The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ian Lara - Episode 67

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Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

We're joined today, Ian Laura.

Thanks for joining us.

Thank you, brother.

Thank you for having me.

One of the best in the business over here.

I appreciate you saying that, man.

This is really cool.

It's a cool studio.

You got it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Nicholas, how are you doing?

It's a beautiful thing.

I just have a hankering for onion rings as soon as we started.

I've been looking at your shirt and it's kind of oh, and this Fud, yeah, I got a Fud Rocker shirt.

Yeah, yeah, you look like, like, this is a look that I'm like, yeah, I could see you, you want an onion ring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know where it came from, but I know SP has them.

They aren't, they're not bad at SP.

It's pretty hard to fuck up onion rings.

Yeah, I suppose.

Yeah, I haven't had an onion ring in forever.

They're really good.

That was always like the adult fries when I was a kid.

It's vegetables.

Your dad would get onion rings instead of fries.

Yeah.

You'd be like, whoa.

It's so interesting because who was like, let's slice the onion and fry it?

That's kind of like...

Australians.

That was that.

It was them?

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

they made the blooming onion.

And that technology is just...

We can't even conceive of it.

I had a blooming onion for the first time like two months ago.

I missed out, dude.

They made them smaller.

Back in the day, you'd go, I mean, it would be the biggest fucking onion you've ever seen.

Well,

I had one in Abu Dhabi, and it was huge.

So I don't know if maybe over there, they're still doing the big one.

Were you there for the Abu Dhabi Comedy Festival?

Yeah, yeah.

I was there.

Oh, how was it?

It was fun.

Was it all guys like shakes and stuff in the stadiums and stuff?

No.

No, see, that's what you imagine.

But no, it's just expats.

Yeah, it was a lot of

guys that work in Aubi Day.

It was some of that, but it was a lot of just expats and like people.

Oh, wow.

I think the whole point of the festival, they wanted to show people that

we're open to whatever.

So bring on a bunch of comedians to say wild shit.

And it was fun.

It was cool.

No one got arrested.

Huh?

No one got arrested.

Nah, not that I know of.

It was no restrictions.

They was like, do whatever y'all want.

Really?

Yeah, it was cool.

I wouldn't trust that, actually.

I'd be afraid.

Yeah.

I'd I'd be afraid.

I'd like to think that if I went to somewhere and I got in trouble for joke, I'd like to think that America would come to my defense.

They would not.

You don't think so?

No.

If you guys have like a loud voice, like if you guys, I feel like if I called back or if my friends in comedy were like, hey, we got to raise

some ruckus for this guy.

They never...

They won't get anybody back.

You don't think so?

No, who would betray for you?

Brittany Griner goes back.

I mean, yeah.

She goes back to jail, different country.

We get you back.

Yeah, you trade me for, you know, we trade you for granted.

She's about to retire.

I still have some, I have momentum.

No.

Remember that guy that got arrested in North Korea?

That's one of my favorite guys.

Was it like David?

Otto Warmbeer?

Bro, Warmbeer.

He was like a bro that was like, you almost steal this fucking

poster, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

And then they gave him back in a coma, and he died like a week later.

And then they sent us a bill for $2 million for his hospital room.

And the State Department paid it.

Yeah, yeah.

They were like, also, you owe us $2 million for

his hospital bills, and we paid it.

What if it wasn't like one of those countries?

What if it was a more country that we're more friendly with?

Germany?

Yeah, like a country where they're just like.

What I would like to do is I'd go to Germany, get arrested for denying the Holocaust.

The State Department has to get me out, and I just go right back and do it again.

And I'm just.

The Holocaust or just keep denying it?

Yeah, well, you go back and deny the Holocaust.

Oh, okay.

I don't think I could really.

I don't speak German.

I don't feel like I could go over there and be like, guys,

look at these motherfuckers.

I'd be like,

Winas undersanden Sprekenzie.

And I'd be like, yeah, I guess it probably sounds better in German.

Have you ever seen that picture of Danny Green, the 3D NBA player at the Holocaust Memorial in

Berlin?

No.

He took a selfie at the Holocaust Memorial, and he was going like this, and he said, how to do a one-time hashtag Holocaust.

Really?

Yeah, it's one of the.

I know Danny.

You know him?

Yeah, he's from Long Island.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

He played.

I went to a basketball, my school was a basketball power house in Queens, and he went to a basketball power house in Long Island.

So we played against him.

Yeah, that's insane.

It's one of the funniest posts of all time on the internet.

Yeah.

He said, you know, I had to do a one-time hashtag Holocaust.

Have you ever been to the Boston Holocaust?

Yes, I have.

It's like right next to the Union Oyster House.

Apparently, like,

you have like a clam chowder, and you're like, oh, yeah, the Holocaust.

Yeah, yeah.

You just burp.

There's cream on your face.

Caleb said that

homeless guys go there to take dumps in Boston.

I feel like you could say that about any place.

I guess it's a city.

Homeless guys go there to take dumps in there.

Yeah, that doesn't.

Yeah.

Well, the Berlin.

I don't imagine the homeless guys are like, ah, fuck, I got to get to the Holocaust Memorial.

You think they're just there.

Yeah, I think they're just there.

No, I think they're anti-Semitic.

No, the Berlin

Memorial is like a

big gay cruising spot because they're like a bunch of like

like it's these blocks and then so they're a bunch of like alleys.

It's like a

I wonder if in Berlin

open a gay nightclub called Auschwitz and there's showers

and I guarantee you'd get business.

It doesn't matter how offensive it is.

You could be like it could just be called like the chambers.

Wasn't it like bunk beds you can go back to after having gay sex in the showers?

A couple years ago.

There's still claw marks on the doors.

There's still just fingernails embedded on it.

You're outside denying that the club is real?

Yeah, we realized our greatest mistake was not going into the showers ourselves because

that's what we actually wanted.

But you couldn't be gay back then.

Yeah, they were also there in the camps.

Didn't the Bieber, he went to the, he was like Anne Frank.

She's a believer.

Yeah, yeah, he's like, I wish you could have been a believer.

He wrote it in like the guest book.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is so funny that he even, even him filling out the guest book seems offensive.

Even if he just wrote, like, yo, what's up?

Justin Bieber was here.

That's.

You want to get on the email list?

I guess.

Yeah, the Anne Frank email list.

Yeah, I wish you could have been.

Do they have a gift shop there at the Anne Frank?

Yeah.

Do they sell the giant pennies?

No, they don't do.

They don't have one of those machines.

I feel like any kind of, they all have.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like even that one would have it.

Any fucking museum, there's always.

We opened with Holocaust.

This is kind of our thing.

There's nothing really else to talk about.

Yeah, yeah.

What else?

Nothing else is going on.

Nothing's happened.

I spent the last couple of days re-watching all the Matrix movies.

You know, I haven't seen the Matrix.

I love those movies so much, dude.

I watched.

It's been a long time since I re-watched the first one, so I re-watched the first one.

It's amazing.

The first one's great.

but then the second one's really good, too.

Didn't they just have one like a couple years ago?

They did, and I saw it the first half.

I was really into it, and then I kind of like checked out a little bit more.

So I wanted to watch it again, but I was like, you know what?

Why don't I just watch all of them?

And then, so I got like a running start into it, and then the same thing happened.

They got a baby happy.

I didn't hate it.

It's just

too grounded in what life is.

You know what I mean?

Like, that was a criticism of the early mate.

First, certainly the first movie is that it's like, it's basically a children's movie.

You know, it's essentially like, these aren't even really adult characters.

They don't have any kind of complex emotions.

It's all just like, believe in yourself and you can do anything, you know, but then there's computers.

So you're like, you know, industrial music.

Yeah, it's just that was big.

It's 99.

Yeah, and it's like, oh, what if there was a secret world you could get away to where you have superpowers or whatever.

The fourth movie is the only one where they introduce this like concept.

You see fucking Jada Pinkett Smith's character, Naiobi or whatever.

The premise of the fourth movie is that the machines have, in the third one, Neo has to sacrifice himself because Agent Smith, the bad agent, has like turned into a virus and he's taking over the Matrix and the machine city.

And Neo, being his opposite, can neutralize him.

So he goes to the machines and says, look, I'll destroy myself and Smith, and that'll create some kind of equilibrium.

And then we can have peace between the machines and humans.

And it's not this either-or, you know, one side wins or the other.

And then the premise of the fourth movie is that the machines end up having a civil war due to limited resources.

They fight each other.

They fight each other, and so there's the humans, the humans and the machines, and then there's the machines and the machines.

And they're on one side, and you know, there's like a new thing.

And the machines have rebuilt Neo and Trinity under this new matrix where they keep them kind of just out of reach of each other.

They've erased their memories, and they see each other, but Neo is middle-aged.

He works at a game company.

That sounds pretty good.

It's the one where it's like it actually deals with life and like human emotions.

And when Neo gets brought out of that Matrix, he meets Jada Pinkett Smith's character, who's now old because it's supposed to be 60 years.

He's only aged like...

She says to him, you know, you guys, they free him, and then she puts him in prison right away.

And he's like, you know, that's not fair.

And she goes, yeah, well, neither is aging, but you don't hear me complaining.

And it's like, you know, no matter what, even if the Matrix were to be real and you could escape it, you're still going to get old and everyone you love is going to die.

And so are you.

And so, and with that one, with the fourth one, it's like, now you can't have that.

And then also this, like, wow, you can believe in yourself and do anything.

You know, it's like, no, now I'm just sitting here as a middle-aged man.

And I'm, um,

now you've now you've taken me back out of the movie in the way that it did give me something.

Yeah, it just should be a baby movie.

It should be a baby movie.

It's like the babe, the cartoon Spider-Man are better because it's they're just it's just a baby movie it should be a cartoon yeah yeah wasn't there a black isn't that the black there's the black one of course the miles morales

that's that's what's funny too about the matrix because the original matrix is already pretty diverse they went they wanted will smith to play neo yeah i heard that but he didn't understand the script i didn't understand the movie oh the original matrix yeah like and especially imagine in like i watched it and i was like i don't know imagine when they they put it out in 1995 when like most people didn't even have dial-up internet yeah was it 95 or was it i thought it was well they wrote the script in 94, but the movie was finished.

The movie came out in 99.

99.

I thought.

So probably people were reading the script in 1995 when

Pepsi didn't have a website.

And you're like, yeah, they dial up into this Matrix.

I mean, it would sound like nonsense.

It wouldn't, you know.

Will said that's the movie that he regrets turning down the most.

Yeah, in retrospect, because now you can understand it.

But I, I, I mean.

Why, because she cheated on him?

No, because it made

Jada was fucking around on.

No, no, no, it just made a billion dollars.

I guess

it's funny because you watched the original Matrix and it was already a pretty diverse movie.

It was supposed to be Aaliyah.

It was supposed to play her role.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

They have that Switch character in it, too, who's

supposed to be just this androgynous, you know, like no gender thing.

So it's like, it already has all these elements.

So you go through the movies and it's like they can't add any more.

There's nobody else to add.

They prevented it.

And so by the fourth one, the diversity you're getting is just bad haircuts.

It's all driven.

drips.

They can just add like just the shittiest haircuts you've ever seen in your life.

Movies are so weird.

Acting is weird in general because you watch stuff and then you're like, this is bad, right?

Like this is bad acting or whatever.

And then when you're in it and when you're in entertainment, like you get auditions and I'm like, I could just do the bad acting.

Like I could do with bad acting.

Yeah, yeah.

Like great acting.

That's what I say.

Aim low.

Yeah.

I mean, I told you it's all about.

I'm like, I can do this role bad.

Yeah.

How you guys book it.

Yeah.

So just take me.

It's supposed to be bad, right?

Yeah, like I can, I can play this bad.

Sometimes I was just on the phone when I walked in.

My age is calling to me.

Sometimes I get sent an audition.

They're like, a Dominican stand-up comedian from Queens.

I'm like, I could just do this bad.

Like, I could just be that.

Like, at the very minimum, I live the life this way.

Yeah.

But it's always what they think is it, not what it actually is.

Right.

It's what they believe it is.

Yeah, most of the auditions you get for like comedian stuff, they want like, they want this.

What do you think the idea of like a UCB guy from like 2010?

100%.

You know, but all those guys are in prison for rape.

So they can't get the actual one.

So they send it to like regular comedians.

And it's like, I don't have a purple hoodie and pearl snaps.

I don't know what to tell you.

And men.

Dude, it's so walking into an audition room and having like execs tell you what a comedian is is hilarious.

When you're like, I live this every single day of my life.

Comedians don't act this way.

Yeah, I just started taking my clothes off and they're like, we don't do that anymore.

Yeah, they're like, that's hard.

It's all girls here now.

It used to be guys that make you take your clothes off.

Come on, we have ladies now

having to explain to a thing, like this corky guy, like most comedians are not that.

They're just like regular people who are actually pretty dark.

It's also funny to see that it's all guys that look like you, too.

It's all

versions of yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if I prefer that because sometimes I'll go where it's that.

Like, I'll get submitted for a row and it's like everybody looks like me.

And you're like, all right, so you're just looking for a look.

But then sometimes I'm like, they're looking for like a 6'4 white quarterback.

And I'm like, am I just auditioning to fill a quota?

You're playing the Brady movie.

Yeah, I'm like, I gotta, I gotta learn these lines.

If you're just gonna book Tom Brady, just give it to him and say, I audition.

I went to an audition, a VO audition once, and it was for anybody that can do a Homer Simpson impression.

Yeah.

And it was awesome because it was just me and a bunch of Homer Simpsons in a room.

Just a bunch of guys, hey, how are you doing?

Oh, no.

It's hilarious.

Sometimes your agent,

you know, they're trying to work, whatever.

They try to convince you.

They're like, you know, they don't know.

They're like, they don't know exactly what they're looking for.

I'm like, in the scene, it says they're looking for a Tom Brady type.

My acting is nowhere near.

You could do it.

No, no, come on, bro.

To convince you.

You could do it.

Like, we're not going to go with the 6-3 gay quarterback.

Have you ever seen

allegations like that?

Multifacial.

What's that?

Vin Diesel's short film multifacial.

No.

It's just, it's him playing an actor, but it's him going to auditions and having to play like, because nobody knows what race Vin Diesel is.

So he goes to one audition, he's like, let me tell you something, homeboy.

You know, and then he's an Italian guy, and he's like, you know, different.

He used to be in porn.

I thought it was that.

He did?

I thought multifacial was from his early gay porn.

I think he may have.

He was his race on paper.

Like, what do they say?

Or they just don't say it.

I don't think they.

He's Drake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's only ever, like, it's like one of those, you know how people be like, I'll never tell anyone what my sexuality is.

And then it's always, they're just straight.

You know what I mean?

It's always like, I think it's always those guys that are like, they're like, oh, I don't think it's anybody's business.

The last one I went in for, I was like so nervous, but it was all like adrenaline.

So I was like, like, extra, and it was like all these actors, they looked like me, and they're all like nervous betas.

And I'm like, look at these fucking.

And one of them is like, oh, I love the show.

And I was like, that's right, dude.

I'm

a famous person, right?

And I was like feeling myself.

And I was like, oh, it's real funny.

We all look the same.

And they were like, ha, ha, ha.

And it was just me and one other guy left in the room and i just like can't stop talking and i'm like i was like you ever been like you ever been in like movies and stuff he's like yeah yeah a bit yeah and i was like have you been like the main guy in a movie i didn't like i don't know why i said main guy it was like obnoxious he was like

yeah i guess but like you wouldn't have seen my face And I was like, oh, so you're like, you're in cartoons?

And he's like, no, um, he's like, I am SpongeBob SquarePants.

No, he was like, um,

he's like, no.

I'm SpongeBob.

He's like, yeah, you know,

you know, the Planet of the Apes movie in the theaters right now.

He's like, yeah, it was the star of that.

What?

He was the star monkey?

He was the star monkey of the light.

Yeah, and I was like, oh, fuck.

The monkeys.

Of course, they're professional actors.

The monkeys sound way too real.

I thought, because some guy was like, I love the talk show.

I was like, oh, I'm like.

Oh, I got this.

You get put into these rooms where people are like, yeah, I'm actually the star of the new Planet of the Apes.

Yeah, and they're not

like collateral show.

I was like, why am I here?

Yeah.

I auditioned for one thing.

Well, like, this is one of my early on auditions for a TV show they were making, and I got a call back.

I think I got three calls, like, it went down to like the end, I guess, and then it went to Ludacris.

I'm like, why did you know?

Did you know Ludacris is five foot one?

That's why we were here running.

Yeah, no, he's not five one, but he's short.

Yeah, he is short, yeah, he's short.

Everyone's short, not me.

No, no, I'm six foot.

I'm six, two, dude, six, four.

How's the weather down there, bro?

Is this what your fans believe?

I'm a 3D guy.

I'm a wink.

You ever had an audition where you really wanted to get it?

Because some of you did it.

That was the first one I wanted to get.

You were like, this would be cool?

I was nervous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but it was like obviously a professional actor is going to be.

No, Philip Seymour Hoffman's son got it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You don't stand the shot?

No.

Just a complete win.

Absolutely not.

What has he done other than the licorice pizza?

Other than licorice pizza?

I don't think so.

Anything.

Maybe.

Maybe Maybe he's done something.

I just did one where I was supposed to be Tracy Morgan's son.

I was like, I really want to do this one.

The homosexual that got stabbed?

No, not that one.

The other one.

Okay.

The stray one that became a large one.

Stabbing your gay son.

That was just

crowd work.

That was just crowd work that went south.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, fucking, I laughed.

I laughed.

You seen Baron Trump?

That boy just keeps going.

Yeah, he's like six tons.

We got to get him in our league.

We gotta get him in this league.

We gotta get him in the character.

I think he's non-verbal.

Well, I think he's like changed.

Like, I think now he's like a Playboy, I think.

Is he?

I think so.

I thought he was just, I thought he, like, could teleport and live on Mars and stuff.

He has swag.

I had no idea.

I'm going off old pictures.

Yeah, he goes on adventures.

Yeah.

Yeah, nah, he's changed.

Also, I'll mention this.

I will be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv.

September.

You go to my website, you can pull it up, but please come out.

There's still plenty of tickets available.

That's September

September 17th and 18th, I think, or maybe 20-something, 21 through 23.

But there are tickets available on my website, and then I'll be at the Lincoln Theater in D.C.

and then the Wilbur Theater in Boston the next weekend.

Those are available on my website.

And then, so you said we're at what, 17?

Yeah.

Okay.

Also, yeah,

we added a fourth show for London on the 21st of September, so there are tickets now available for that.

Have you done London before?

No, it's my first time.

Yeah, great comedy city.

We saw it.

They keep adding shows.

It's nice.

Congrats, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it a great comedy city?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

I would say probably.

Because most of the stand-up you hear from England is like doo-doo.

The people there, they just love it.

It's like,

if you think that trans people,

like, stop it and then it's like it's not bad it's not a bad bit yeah no if you against jk rowling maybe stop it yeah they just make good points they don't make they don't really do

good points are are good too you know they're not funny though no no but they're good points well they they work i guess yeah yeah if everyone thinks it's a good point yeah that's a good point that's a good point yeah it's better than nothing it's better than not funny and no point yeah and uh everyone disagreeing right yeah

There's that.

You ever met that comic who thinks he's making a great point?

Yeah, see, I love those guys, dude.

Because for the most part, they never really go past the open mic level.

Some of them, you know, now I feel like it's a little easier to like, you could sneak in now.

Well, maybe, I don't know.

Because you could just make clips on TikTok of whatever and convince people.

Bad points.

Yeah.

Convince people that you're a good comic.

They'll come out to see you so you could finesse your way out the open mic scene.

But that's hilarious.

When somebody thinks the guys that would like hold court after open mic, you know, and they would always have like fucking five, ten, like, just mentally disabled guys, you know, listening.

Worst bodies ever.

Yeah, just listening to one guy

wearing like a bow tie and like a newsie cap being like, you got to make yourself undeniable.

It's just like, I'm like, I can't.

Please tell me.

Dude, I remember that guy.

Yeah.

Who was in Open Mic for like eight years, so you respected him?

I don't wait those guys so much.

Well, I never respected them.

I guess that's the success of Kill Tony is it just like platforms those psychopaths.

It seems so.

It seems so.

People love those psychos.

I had a friend.

I'm waiting for a guy to go on the show with a gun and actually shoot Tony Hinchcliffe to death.

And then when everyone's mad, he's like, what?

I had a friend.

Do I win the gift card or not?

Where is the Outback Steakhouse gift card?

Do I get to beat Shane?

I'm dying to try this bloomin' onion I've been hearing about.

You hear, sometimes you hear, like, you'll hear, I have friends who, you know, they're like, oh, I want to go on kill Tony.

And I'm like, but what's your thing?

Like, you're just going to, you're just going to do a bit.

Like, you're not going to act like you're, you know, like what?

On the spectrum or homeless.

Like, you got to have a thing.

I'm going to shit my pants.

Yeah, that's good.

See, you tell me that.

I'm like, okay, that's good.

What else?

But that's my thing.

Shit, then what?

That is my thing.

You know, because the shit will work for the minute, but then when you do the interaction, you got to do something else.

I told you, I talked to that kid on Friday who was at MSG for seven and a half hours, waiting to hear his name, and he didn't hear it.

Yeah, shout out to him.

That guy's committed.

He's like, I would have bodied it, though.

Yeah.

I get it.

I like the confidence.

Yeah, at two years in, I think I would have thought if you gave me a shot at Madison Square Garden, I would have bodied it, right?

That's like the thing when you're a beginner, you just don't know anything.

So you're just like, yeah, put me up in front of 15,000 people for a minute without context.

What would you have dropped two years in?

What was your early early act like?

No, I had, I feel like I always have perspective in that sense.

Like, I didn't even leave an open mic till I was like two and a half, three years in.

I had no interest in like performing in real shows.

I was like, I'm not ready.

Yeah.

I had that perspective.

Scary, dude.

Yeah.

And I also had no one to offer.

But I think if somebody would have offered and come, I would have done it.

Yeah.

I mean, how could you not?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just just, you just, at the beginning, you got to believe that you're really, really good.

You got to believe that you're the one.

Yeah.

It's only like people who've been here for years that are like, oh, no, this is terrible.

I made a horrific choice.

There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

You got to be undeniable.

You're dropping gems, dude.

What will really bake your noodle later on is, would you still have knocked it over if I hadn't said anything?

I think I remember the guy you're talking about.

The guy with the newsboy cap at the creek.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's very specific.

That guy used to drop knowledge.

You guys did open mics together?

Yeah.

You popped pretty early.

Well, I moved here and they would only put me up at the stand because Patrick liked that blog I had.

But I kind of moved here feeling like I already had failed at comedy and I just wanted to live in New York.

But I was friends with Soder and Mike Lawrence and

I guess Patrick also.

So they would put me up and then I would just bomb at the stand.

But didn't you get new faces like a couple years ago?

I got new faces when I was 22.

Yeah, that's crazy.

But it didn't lead to anything, you know?

Oh, it never does.

Yeah, I know.

It does, but

it does to some people.

Well, it doesn't exist in the same way.

New York kind of like

New York changed sort of the playing field for me.

It's like I saw there was all these other opportunities, there's other things that I could do, and then I started writing.

You're from Austin, right?

You could say, yeah.

I mean, that's what gave me my career as Austin more than anything.

I mean, like, Cap City, they would book me.

They bumped me up to feature pretty quickly.

Yes.

And then Rich Miller, who owned Cap City,

he was doing all the feature booking for Helium, which at that time was only Philly and Portland.

But then they got me in in San Antonio.

I mean, I did one weekend in San Antonio, and then they said I could never work that club again.

That's the dream.

Way every club once.

Not because of my act, but because they had one show where there was like eight audio.

Have you done LOL in San Antonio?

No, that's a big room, though.

It's a big room.

There were like maybe eight to 12 people there.

It was one table.

They didn't come together.

They were kind of scattered around.

And I went on stage after the host, and I was like, Jesus Christ.

And then I said to them, I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry they didn't just refund you your money.

I don't know why we're even doing this.

Well, you disrespected them.

They got mad at that?

The owner of the club was there when I said that.

And he's like, oh, this guy doesn't have the right attitude to work this business.

He's deniable.

Yeah, so I'm deniable.

I am deniable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's one thing you don't think about when you start where you're like, oh, at a certain point, people have to want to see me.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah, I have to have fans.

Yeah, you just think that, like, get fans.

Yeah,

no one, no one, no one tells you that.

Yeah, you just think that, like, you just get better, and then people will see how good you are.

Yeah, right.

It's a meritocracy.

Yeah, and they'll just be like, I gotta go see this guy.

Yeah.

And then you're at, I just did the you doing the Irvine.

That's a huge room, too.

It's too big.

I just did the improv, the Milwaukee improv.

It's like 450 seats.

The improvs are all huge.

They're insane.

San Jose is like a theater.

Yeah, San Jose is.

It was a converted theater.

theater that was a sad weekend for me really i was like uh yeah i didn't get anyone up on the top and i thought i was my uh career was over i'm feeling a real failure because it was so big you guys literally have fans though yeah but like we didn't not and me and him see i i i stopped doing stand-up because like i felt like i did everything that i like i i didn't see myself getting better right you know i felt like i i maximized my own potential and then from that point on it would just be writing more jokes but like whatever it takes to be i'm not likable you know i'm not like i'm never gonna be a household name because i'm not like charismatic and people don't like me right and they're never going to so i can is that true at all or is this something you just think about yourself it's true and he's not likable no way and so i everyone i know loves him you know he's the best maybe comics but like regular people yeah you have a liking

here's the thing almost anybody almost anybody can go into a grocery store and like have a kind of exchange with the cashier where they both kind of laugh about something something and be like, Well,

you know, like this, these coupons never expire, whatever they say.

Anytime in my life I've ever tried to do that, people have been like, What are you, what are you talking about?

Well, I mean, look, but that's

red is like conflict.

And like, there's nothing conflict.

I'm not going to debate.

Look, I'm not going to debate on your charisma, but you do have a thing where you're unapologetically yourself, and people do gravitate towards that.

People enjoy that.

No, and yeah,

let me just put it this way.

That's how it felt.

Whether it's true or not, that's how it kind of felt.

It felt like if like going further, I would just sort of like write jokes.

And then other opportunities came up when I got to New York.

And then it's like, oh, there's like writing stuff.

There's other stuff you can do.

Ultimately, all I really want to do is just be funny and then find like new and different ways to do that.

I want to laugh.

I want to laugh at things.

And even just making things happen.

That's why the internet back when no one knew who I was, I could go on Twitter and pretend to be somebody or stir up an argument with people.

That was fun to me because like it's like you're making something funny happen and um so like I kind of just see I was like you know and then that led to the old podcast and that was fun you know

and then uh that was the first the first one you started what the the old when you say the old podcast the come town the cometown yeah yeah we were doing that it was like okay this is like a new way to be fun yeah I remember when you guys started that yeah

and then and so I kind of just sort of fell off with stand-up because I didn't really I like struggled to see what I could do like with it that I couldn't do with like other stuff.

And then Adam just stopped because he was making money and he just wanted to hang out.

He was an incredibly lazy guy.

Yeah, he's just a lazy guy.

Yeah, one of the most.

But I feel that maybe you don't know this because you just live life as you.

So you don't experience you from the outside.

You experience it from the inside.

But like every time that you're around, I feel like people are in a good mood.

Because they never see me.

Yeah.

Because I don't come around.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Maybe, maybe that's the thing.

You withhold.

Yeah.

You withhold.

So when you come around, people are like, oh, I'm not going to be able to do that.

If you say his name three times, he shows up.

People get excited about a white tiger.

Yeah.

Because it's not around a lot.

If there was a tiger at the club eating people every day, you'd be like, I don't care what color it is.

Yeah, yeah.

But

blacks only.

You say to yourself, though,

you're not at the club trying to like.

I've thought about that the other day.

Like, if I were black and I lived in the segregated South, I would like, my thinking would be, like, if they had segregation, I would just start opening places and be like, it's blacks only.

No whites allowed.

Blacks don't like just do this thing where I'm aggressively leaning into segregation.

There's a white guy just walking down the street.

He's not even walking anywhere close to your barbershop.

You're like, I'm sorry, sir, it's blacks only.

I look like you were trying to come in here.

No whites.

Blacks only.

Just be really annoying until you're like.

So

if you were a black guy in the segregated South, you would just be a white guy.

You'd You'd be a white guy to white guys.

Yeah, you would just pretend you were white.

Yeah, to them.

But then you just do it the other way.

You'd be racist to white guys.

There would be nothing they could do about it.

They're like, we need a law that says that

no more segregation.

They're like, well, God damn, fuck.

You know,

that's what I, that would be my civil rights hero.

Yeah, I wouldn't go to a restaurant and like be like, you can arrest me.

I'm having my chili.

I would be like,

we're going to make better chili, and you're not allowed to have it.

I would lie.

I would put a menu out front, and the names would be crazy.

And then I would have other black people come in and be like, be like, that was the best gondolaba I've ever had in my life.

I think, I think it's the most delicious food I've ever had.

And they're like, what the hell is gundalaba?

And you're like, sorry.

Gundalaba.

It's blacks only.

You're never allowed.

You can't have it.

It's like chocolate.

I think black people will come and be like, this dude's too radical, man.

I get the glasses.

You know, I'd wear the suit.

He's too, man.

He's a black.

He's too black.

I want to go to the white restaurant and just chill chill out.

I'd also changed my name to Morpheus.

Wait, so what was the longest you took from stand-up, both of you?

I mean,

over the last, like, certainly, I didn't think I did a single set for like three years.

Really?

After, yeah, like, yeah, for a long time.

Until Chicago.

I was with me.

That was like two years.

What'd you do in Chicago?

Which one?

I did Lincoln Lodge.

This was like

three years ago now.

But yeah, Nick was like, right before he went up, he's like, it's been three years.

I was like, really?

Yeah.

Well, because there was a pandemic happened.

I had a tour planned, and the pandemic happened.

I didn't go on stage.

That got canceled, and then I didn't really do anything.

Yeah.

But stand-ups, fun.

Especially now, because that was the other thing.

I took a bunch of time off, and then

going back on the road, there was like ticket sales because nobody had seen me.

That's the good thing.

And then the second year, it's like the ticket sales because, okay, we saw this guy.

Now you have to start building an audience people to come see you like kind of year after year and once the ticket sales started to fall off it's like then it made it where I can just do stand-up because it's like this is just fun yes you know yes and then in the last year I've actually like I still like you know it's like you get on a plane and I want to do it but then the actual shows I'm enjoying they're good yeah

I think that's the thing that people when you start selling tickets I don't think Why would we realize it, but you sell some tickets and you just think that you just have to consistently be on the road?

Like, they'll never get tired of you, like, it's just gonna be a consistent climb.

For some people, that's how it's been the last two or three years.

For the last two or three years, yeah, but I've heard some people say the same thing you're saying, where it's like, well, now it's slowing down.

Like, yeah, I'm coming to the same city too.

I think, and now, and also too, having toured, because I never really toured as a headliner, you know, so like now I have a good idea of what the clubs are and which ones are fun.

And like, going forward, I think I'll only

probably just like hit the clubs that I like, yeah, you know, and and and just stick with those and then try to be mindful of like you know, markets and stuff.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

You know.

How about you?

How long did you take?

I mean, I guess there was COVID too, but then I'd started a little bit before Nick.

I'd started again.

Yeah.

So, yeah, but it I guess it was like around two years at that time.

Yeah.

We always had that weekly show, so I'd like but yeah, I wasn't like on the road consistently until the last couple of years.

Since I started, I started 13 years ago.

I've only to I took maybe two and a half months off and that was during COVID.

That was the only time like that was the only time I took a I started 13 as well.

gotta, you gotta really love anything you do in life, you gotta love it, though.

Yeah, you know, and it's like, if

you don't have that, even if it's like partly like, you know, okay, well, it should just be for my career, then it's like, it just becomes a drag.

It does.

I could see that.

Sometimes I envy the guys who's like, I don't love it.

I'm just good at it.

So I do it.

You're like, oh, that's nice.

Also, pretty much every single comedian will recognize that playing a small, intimate club is more fun than a big venue.

Yeah.

I don't think there's anybody that like disagrees with that, really.

Yeah, I've never headlined my own huge like theaters things, but the times I have worked with like some of my friends in it, I'm like, this seems cool.

It seems rock star.

So I don't.

Okay.

Well, there goes my point.

No, no, but I'm actually around you, big theaters and stadiums.

It's actually not.

I think stand-up-wise, I could see that, though, obviously, stand-up-wise.

Performing for.

Actually, yeah.

Actually,

100 theater.

100?

Nick, are you.

Come back.

He's taking another break from it.

Just

tell him you're doing a bit.

Tell him it's not cool.

I think we have ads to read out of it.

Okay, we want to talk to you about Mint Mobile.

Which Adam uses, by the way.

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I've been loving it.

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That is true, Nick.

But I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks.

See, I hate that.

The couple of times I've done that, I said, this was not worth it.

I've got third-degree burns.

Yeah.

But for a great deal.

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I have PTSD.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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That is a weird name.

It's like sort of like a London name.

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The longest part of the process

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No, I've had that longer.

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Oh, he owns Mint Mobile.

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and this is the next one okay and we're back I'm going to try and get into baking tonight, I think.

What are you going to bake?

Well, I've had a stand mixer for years.

I don't really use it.

And every time I see it, I'm like, ah, I should be eating cookies and stuff.

Maybe I'll do like a Matrix-themed I play the Oracle and I make cookies and I'm also Neo and I can have

just a conversation with myself in my apartment.

Just like you're on a play date.

You can see why she likes you.

It's just

schizophrenia, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not very bright, though.

It's my special time alone.

And I have 30,000 calories worth of homemade cookies.

Well, I'm gluten-free now, so I can't have that crap.

You know that?

Why'd you go gluten-free?

I think I'm allergic.

My skin's clear now.

I think it was beer this whole time.

It would be awesome to redo the matrix, but when Neo wakes up in the pod, it's just stav,

right?

And then when he's on the ship, they don't give him clothes.

It's just bald.

He's naked in his penis there, and he's like, This is what I look like in real life.

Yeah, this is the real you.

You used to be Keanu Reese.

They're like,

Yeah, I mean, we didn't know until we took you out of the pod.

And then they go back in, and he looks like Neo again.

He's like, yeah, well, this is what you think you look like, I guess.

Yeah.

In your mind, this is how

this is what you think you look like.

And then he's like, put me back in the matrix.

In the matrix now.

He's naked.

They never get him clothes.

He's still wet.

He's just like mucus.

He still has the goo underneath the goo.

He's got like a newborn baby.

Yeah.

He's got placenta everywhere.

Yeah, he just keeps eating it.

He's always like eating some of the goo.

So, Ian, you're from Queens.

Yes, sir.

Oh, cool.

Does that ever make you feel gay?

Queens?

Yeah, because it's called that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like if I was from.

You know, everyone's laughing.

If I was from like Homo's, a place called Homo's, you know, I'd be like, well,

I should never look at it like that.

Yeah, I'm from gossips.

Well, I was born born in brooklyn that's kings that's lesgay that's kings yeah it's well that's gay to you lesgay oh lesgay yeah it's les gay no kings that's awesome that's where i live

but then you chose to move to queens yeah i moved to queens when i was like in a teenager my family they moved me there oh it was their choice yeah yeah i love it i love it i like it i think this is a dope borough and kevin james uh everyone respects him there because of king of queens yeah he still has his his uh monarchy a lot of those uh i remember i used to to watch King of Queens.

A lot of the neighborhoods was like around my neighborhood that they showed.

Was it accurate?

Yeah, I mean, it was filmed in Los Angeles, I believe, but they were just showing.

I pitched a show called The Sting of Queens, and it's WCW Sting.

Just in Queens, yeah, and then it's the same show, and all the other characters say stuff, and he's just staring at them with the mask or no mask.

Yeah, the paint face paint.

He's up in the rafters staring at them.

Yeah, he works at UPS still.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His wife's a Scientologist.

Yeah.

How about the Kings of Queens?

And it's Steve Harvey.

Cedric the Entertainer.

Cedric the Entertainer.

D.L.

Hughley, Bernie Mac.

Just living in Queens?

Yeah, same show, except all four of them take turns playing Kevin James' game.

Yeah, they should.

They should.

No one can tell because they can't tell black people apart.

All the white characters.

I know Stings is like the same guy.

She's like, we just talked about this five minutes ago.

Steve Harvey's just dropping his microphone.

He has a microphone, like Family Feud.

He's just dropping it.

It's a sitcom, but he's talking into the mic.

Yeah, he has a microphone.

And still, somehow, everyone realizes that DL Huguley is the worst one, even though they think it's the same guy.

They're like, he's just off that day.

They're like, what's wrong with you today?

The same guy?

We missed the other.

I think the other one.

He's the worst one.

I think so, yeah.

I mean, they're all the other three are

the best ones.

I mean, especially Steve.

The real.

Coincidentally, he's the only one still doing stand-up, really, D.O.

He's the only one touring stand-up.

That's true.

Steve has too many jobs.

Yeah, he quit stand-up like five years ago.

We got to get him back.

But he's also like,

I think he's like 75 years old.

He's like up there, yeah.

Yeah.

He's like late 60s for sure.

Yeah.

He's an institution, that man.

Steve Harvey?

We love him.

Love Steve Harvey.

It's crazy that people do stand-up that long.

Like, Rich Voss is still touring.

And he's been doing stand-up since 1967.

Yeah.

He used to work with Pryor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was coming up with Woody.

50 years.

Yeah, that is insane that people do it that long.

Have you seen The Irishman?

Yeah.

That's sort of just the story of Rich Voss getting started in comedy back in the 20s.

What's the longest you've heard somebody doing it?

Rich Voss, 87 years.

George Wallace, I think he's like 60 plus.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

George Wallace.

He's funny.

Yeah.

He'll still come by.

He's still with like a no-pad and trip.

I'm like, he's Seinfeld's favorite comedian, apparently.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, I don't like him anymore.

I don't like him anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you see Seinfeld crying about Israel?

Do you see that clip?

He's crying.

This is real?

Yeah.

After they killed that woman and her twins, he goes, don't laugh.

It's not funny.

Yeah, McCracken.

Yeah, yeah.

Just stop laughing.

It's not funny.

That video is awesome.

You know what I'm talking about?

Of course.

He did, what was it, the tonight show?

Yeah, yeah.

And Kramer comes on to apologize.

He's on like a monitor.

Yeah.

They bring him in like a fucking, like a Mr.

Rogers.

He comes in on the trolley.

Yeah.

And he's like, I'm deeply sorry.

And then the audience starts laughing.

He's like apologizing court.

He's apologizing like Kramer.

It's also so funny to call two people the N-word and then apologize to David Letterman and Jerry Seinfeld about it.

They should have brought Arsenio back so he could say sorry.

Oh, man.

Yeah, we got to bring him back too, I think.

There should be the original canceled Kings of Comedy where we got Cosby.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

Cosby, Kramer.

I think those are pretty much the only two canceled.

He's blind, too, right?

Yeah.

Is he in jail?

He's touring.

Yeah.

I thought he's blind.

Yeah,

he's aging like a cat.

Doing stand-up.

He's like 90 years old, though.

He's probably incredible, so.

Stand-up.

Stand-up boy.

As a guy, I mean.

As like a person or stand-up.

As a Rizmaster.

He's probably still great with the girls.

Stand-up.

I hear he's pretty good still.

Here's the thing about it, and this is going to get me at a lot of time.

Oh, gosh.

But, you know, he raped raped all these women, right?

And apparently, he was using roofies to do it.

Spanish Fly.

That's my point.

You can't convince me that society thought that was bad at the time if they're calling it Spanish Fly.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

If it was like a black plantation film from the 70s.

He was talking about, like, yeah, you slip him a little date rape drug.

It's like, well, it's right there in the name, Bill.

You know,

they weren't calling it that.

You know what I mean?

I see the point.

I go eat.

I go.

You're saying

to the cool.

I go to McDonald's.

I have a Big Mac, right?

If you change the name to the Holocaust burger, I'd stop eating it.

Sure.

You know what I mean?

You're saying he was doing the speed limit of the times.

Exactly.

Yes.

It wasn't illegal when he...

I mean, it was illegal, but it was like illegal in the way that speeding is.

Right.

You know?

Which who doesn't get it?

Which is just don't get caught.

I became famous.

I bought a Porsche.

I was 120 the other day.

Yeah, stop nodding so much.

What?

I'm yes, Andon.

No, but

you can't that.

You can't what?

I think the name stinks, personally.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I hate bugs.

I'm just trying to put an idea in your head.

Good points.

That's all it is.

When I was like.

Because it's not about what you know, it's about what

you believe about yourself.

That's true.

The Matrix.

The Matrix.

Bagger Pants.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're just dropping

truth bombs.

When I was like single, I didn't have

and I was had no money.

I didn't have enough money to take girls to like.

I was too broke.

So I'd say, oh, I'm going to like come over.

I'll cook for you.

That was my move.

And I'd price like a meal down to like $6.75.

No way.

You was cooking a meal for $7?

Yeah.

Well, a couple items I would steal maybe a little bit.

Yeah.

Steak.

No, no.

But like,

how's your finger doing, by the way?

I just know that.

It's

It's just a band-aid now.

He cut the entire top of his finger off.

There was a viral cucumber salad I saw on Instagram Reels that I tried to make for my girlfriend.

And then I had to go to the hospital from it.

I hope you recorded it.

That's a good clip.

Cucumber salad fan.

It was like he goes, I cut the top of my finger off.

But he lies all the time.

So I was like, send a picture.

And he sends a picture.

It's just gone.

It's just fucking gone.

And then he's like, his dumb tiny hand being held by like this male nurse's hand.

It's just dwarfed by a glove.

Do you want to hear something worse?

When they put the glue on it at the Ursin Care?

That's where you went?

Yeah.

Why?

Where should I have gone?

The writs?

With a missing finger?

It's not a missing.

It's just the top.

It didn't go to the bone.

Listen, okay.

When they put the glue on it to seal the wound,

I released

a yell of excruciating pain.

Like when a cartoon character goes into the women's bathroom by accident.

Yeah.

It was that noise.

Well.

Ah!

Like that.

How did you do that?

Huh?

I found out that what my scream is, is a woman's scream.

Yeah.

Is a high-pitched scream.

The nurse told you?

No, no, I heard myself, my body do it.

Did you address it or you just kind of let it go?

What did I say?

I'm not gay to the guy.

I'm not gay.

You clear things up.

Like, I know this yell sounded.

No, yeah, it was really.

Yeah.

But are you.

I was a cook?

Because you were cooking for your...

He was making cucumbers.

I know, but he said previously that was his movie.

I was using a mandolin.

He cut his hand.

Oh, okay.

He cut his hand using a machine that cuts cucumbers for you.

Okay, but

I would make a spaghetti and meat sauce for girls.

Yeah, that's not expensive, yeah.

Okay, it's not that expensive.

But

turkey overall, I'll cook you dinner.

Ever have spaghetti?

Kraft mac and cheese?

Well, ever have spaghetti.

In retrospect, let me make you a wonderful spaghetti.

First of all, I'm making like a heavy meat sauce for a girl.

It's not like a sex cookie.

Are you from scratch, the meat sauce?

Well, yeah, so I bought ground turkey instead of ground beef.

Oh, and he puts that in Ragu.

Well,

well, in retrospect, like, I was giving girls tryptophan,

and at the time, I didn't realize that I'm making, like, I'm just like, it's like Thanksgiving raiding women.

I didn't, no, I didn't do it.

But, like, yeah, in retrospect, I was like, I was making girls tired.

I was doing like a light Cosby.

I didn't do on anything.

I'm criticizing, but I would do the same thing.

I don't know how to cook, so I would invite women over, and then I slowly release gas from my anus for about two hours until then it's so subtle they don't even realize it.

It just starts kind of smelling worse and worse, but it's not acute enough where they'd be like, what's going on?

And then before they know it, they're just everyone's out like night.

I pass out too.

So we usually come to a couple hours later, the fire department's there.

Is there like a date night for you?

Yeah, and they're like, we're looking for a gas leak, but there's no gas lines in this apartment.

And I say, well,

there's a mystery to be solved another day, gentlemen.

Yeah.

And then I invite the firemen to watch The Matrix with me.

And then you become best friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, and in retrospect, I'm like, I should.

Have you ever considered that a guy like me could maybe be the Neo of the fire department?

Just moving in on the couch, trying to get a job at the fire department.

They're like, dude, that's not how it works.

We haven't got to take a test and shit.

No, I don't think we'll be doing that.

I don't think we'll be taking any tests.

So you feel wrong for giving girls turkey?

I think it's a turkey.

It feels wrong

in retrospect.

It feels wrong.

To give them turkey?

Yeah, it's like

it has a chemical that makes you sleepy.

I don't want to be Cosby 2.0 from a spaghetti and bolognese.

Yeah.

I guess that's a great point.

That's kind of what I mean.

I eat turkey all the time.

If they changed its name to Rape Bird, you won't do it.

Yeah, right.

Who knew?

He probably didn't even know.

He probably thought it was an actual fly.

Now, were these girls getting tired?

I don't remember a girl specifically ever getting tired.

Too many people.

But I remember, dude,

it's just

go there.

A heavy meal for a woman on a dick appointment, I don't think it's a good idea necessarily.

Yeah.

For a girl, like give her like a rack of ribs, perhaps, or something.

Ooh, I'm going to go have a rack.

That is a light.

It's what I would refer to as a light Cosby.

A rack of ribs for a dick appointment is a pretty crazy move.

Yeah, yeah.

You could take a girl at Tony Romas.

You want to keep it light.

Yeah, you want to keep it light.

A salad, a salad day.

A cucumber salad.

A cucumber salad day with a finger.

Yeah.

But it is going to be a while before I get my, it's going to be a flat finger now.

When they do the pig thing where it's got an apple in its mouth, was the pig like eating the apple when they killed it?

I never understood that.

Is it like they give it an apple and then it's halfway through eating it and then they bake it?

Oh, to be nice?

No.

I mean, I've seen this done.

Is it that's how it's like done?

Like it does something to the blood sugar or something of the pig?

Like a pig roast.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like a Hawaiian luau kind of thing.

I've never actually been, like, seen one of those in real life.

Are you supposed to eat the apple?

Yes.

Yeah, barbecued apple.

Yeah, absolutely.

Have you been to one of those?

Yeah, I've seen it created.

The times, I mean,

the apple was not in the pig's mouth when they killed it.

Oh, that's just put it in after.

You've seen it created?

Yeah, like made.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

But you mean, but not the invention of the pig.

No, I was not there for that.

They put the apple in after.

Yes.

Oh, okay.

And then what does that do?

What's the point of that?

I think it's decoration.

Oh, it's a garnish.

It's a garnish.

It's funny.

Yeah.

It's like, look at this pig with that.

He was large, dude.

He was eating it, and then we killed him.

Yeah,

yeah.

I never could eat it like that.

That was too seemed a little barbaric for me.

I kind of like that.

Just digging into the stomach.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, I think it's actually pretty wrong that we eat them.

Out of any of the animals we eat.

Pigs?

I think they're the smartest ones.

They know they're alive.

It's kind of fucked up.

You shouldn't kill.

Turkey's out.

Pig is out.

No, a bird is an idiot.

That's not a guy.

A fish isn't a guy.

No, a fish is not a dude.

Yeah, a fish isn't a guy.

A cow's a guy.

A pig is like, my dog is dumber than a pig.

Really?

Yeah, I wouldn't eat my dog.

No.

Yeah, pigs are smart.

When I did Montreal, I was in the French quarter, and they had a little park, and there was a lady walking a pig, like a Vietnamese pig.

Really?

That she couldn't get it to move.

Like, it was on its leash, and she was like, come on, we have to go home.

And its penis was out, and it was coming, and also shitting at the same time.

See, that's what you do on Kill Tony.

And I walked up, and I was like, Oh my god, a pig, and she just didn't want anything of it.

And I'm like, What's his name?

She's like, We're just trying, I'm just trying to get him home right now.

Thanks.

Oh, that's what you meant.

And then I look down.

You try to have like a normal interaction and shit.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Yeah, no one likes him, man.

It's like, dude, please, I was trying to get my pig home.

Yeah,

he was trying to make a joke, he was trying to raise her.

Yeah, no, that happened.

I've said it too many times on the show.

But I got a pit bull

just on a whim.

And then the fourth day I got it, it was in a horrendous

dog fight

in the streets.

A baby one?

She was like a one-year-old.

Yeah.

She was a little bigger.

Yeah, but

some guy bred fighting dogs

in bedside.

And he was like, yeah, she just had puppies.

She has nowhere to live.

So I just took her.

And then I thought I was such a great guy.

I was like, look at at me, this master of beasts.

You know, like, look at this, like, like, murder weapon that I'm walking around my neighborhood.

And then there was another one.

They got in a horrific fight.

And just like all of like stroller, like, I'm Still With Her, Hillary Clinton, Brooklyn was like, there were just women crying and stuff.

And like, we didn't know how to like pull them apart.

And then just like a kind of a...

like a bagger vance like ghost like old man shows up and he was like he's like yeah you got to put a stick in that dog's ass.

Yeah, and so, yeah, so then I did it, and then he disappeared.

Did the dogs die?

No, no, my dog is still alive.

You just have them?

Her, yeah, she's she's depressed.

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Yeah, so I'm not, I'm not.

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No.

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Why don't you tell a story about how you were wearing Pair of Thieves, and they look so good, you were staring in the mirror at your own ass, and

you were so distracted you cut off your finger and weren't even aware of it.

Yes, I was.

Because the underwear was so good.

That is true.

I was trying to

make a viral cucumber salad that I saw on Instagram reels for my girlfriend, but I was distracted by my own ass.

You're pretty.

But I suffered a horrific and gruesome injuries.

Because of your pair of thieves.

Were there any stitches for that or just they just glued the

glued it because

the skin was gone.

I hope it heals to the inside of your nose because you can't help but pick your nose.

Maybe it makes me an even better nose picker.

No.

Maybe the beast will finally be unleashed.

This guy picks his nose and eats it.

You like to lie, too, right?

Costly, yeah.

Yeah.

Why did you ask it like that?

No, because I remember he said that and I was interested in that.

Oh, no, but it's always like nothing.

It's always like,

oh, you don't look fat in that.

They do look fat.

Yeah, but they look nasty and disgusting.

But that's kind of like nice of you.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just the greatest.

If I was a hugely fat woman, I would say that all the time.

That would be my big joke.

It's just like coming in anytime I put any new clothes on, come in the room and be like, does this make me look fat?

That's not bad.

Yeah, that'd be funny.

If I could somehow be a morbidly obese woman and also a black eye and segregated South at the same time.

I think it's a good plan that you have.

I think that that would have done something maybe.

Yeah, just set up a fake restaurant.

Doesn't have, you have people come in, pretend like, oh my God.

It was the best ever.

Yeah, there's just nothing in there.

It's a slot car set.

That's an interesting point.

I wonder if during those times there was restaurants where you couldn't eat there because of your race, but you felt the food was so good that you're just like, man, can you just give me some of the fries from there?

I'll eat it like at my house.

What do you mean?

Like during segregation.

Like if you were like a black guy who couldn't go out at a white restaurant, but you heard the food was so good that you had like a white friend and you're like, hey, man.

Well, yeah, they would do.

They would have to order from the back window.

So they did sell to the well, because that's what, yeah, yeah.

I mean, they were just, it was segregated dining, but then, yeah, if you place an order, it's like, yeah, only through the back window and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

And they probably ripped them off and stuff.

Yeah, that's unfortunate.

I'm glad that's not that common anymore.

Yeah, it's crazy.

And it's crazy, too, because it's like after the Civil War, they like that wasn't supposed to happen.

You know, it wasn't like the Civil, we'd had the Civil War, and then afterwards, we were like, okay, but still segregation and stuff.

It's like the South just kind of made that happen.

Yeah, separate but equal was like not part of Reconstruction at all.

Yeah.

Yeah, they were like, well, check this out.

And it took like a hundred years to fix it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To this, what, really?

The 60s?

The

late 60s?

Yeah, yeah.

Even later, actually.

Yeah.

Some schools were like reintegrated in the 70s.

Yeah.

I think so.

Yeah.

That's pretty wild.

It is pretty wild.

100 years later.

It is pretty wild.

Speaking of, I watched Remember the Titans the other day.

Yeah.

And that has to be just,

it hits every time.

The way you just see the boys, the town coming together.

Sports is really just beautiful sometimes when it comes to that.

Yes.

Yeah.

And that's in Virginia, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the funniest thing about radio is

they're not really racist, they're just anti-mentally disabled people.

Like, the whole town doesn't have like the most conservative guys in town aren't mad that he's black, they're mad that he's mentally disabled.

They're like,

Like, we can't have this fucking idiot wandering the schools,

he's gonna bring down the learning,

his dick is too big, yeah.

I like that movie.

I know it's.

I haven't seen it in so long.

You reference radio a lot.

Yeah.

It's one of Nick's greatest hits.

I mean, it's like it's designed to be extremely sentimental, but like, if you just give into that, it's like everyone's being so fucking mean to radio for no reason, dude.

If you give yourself brain damage with Kratom and watch radio, you'll feel something.

That's a good Wednesday night.

I challenge you not to.

Even though I know it's Cuba Gooding Jr.

wearing fake teeth.

Be like, where's my mama?

Where's my mama?

And so, Ian, you auditioned.

It's a real guy, too.

What was that process?

I partied with Cuba Gooding Jr., though.

Have you seen Jerry?

I wonder if he was ever friends with the real radio, who passed away, I think, two years ago.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe he's like in a dark place because he misses him.

I would be.

The guy brought the whole goddamn town together.

Yeah, that's pretty.

And then they let him continue to be an 11th grader for 40 more years.

That's not a joke.

They let him just keep going.

He stayed in 11th grade for the

that is so sweet.

Yeah.

It is really nice.

And he'd run out at every game, and everybody in the town loved him.

And they'd go, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I mean about the movie.

It's like if you watch the movie, people are like, oh, this is nice.

It's like, remember the Titans.

But it's also, it's like, it's real.

It's not like there's not a real radio.

Remember the Titans?

Is it just made up radio entirely, if you're like, yeah, it's a mentally disabled guy that everybody's mean to, and then they kind of have to come together.

People would be like, what are you doing?

Come on, man.

And then he has to be in the 11th grade for 40 years.

Yeah, right.

I mean,

the fact that it is real, it's like, you know, you're just.

It's nice they did that for him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who got, who, like, who was the person that was like living there and was like, we got to make this a movie.

This guy's.

Probably everybody.

I mean, it's a great idea.

This bullshit they fucking turn into movies, yeah, especially now, yeah.

That's true, I guarantee you, there was like 50 scripts called like Hillary's emails,

you know what I mean?

They try to make oh, and she has a server, and they're finding out.

I think there's a TV show about that, there's a TV show, HB on HBL, I think.

Oh, yeah, with Sidney Sweeney, I believe so.

No, but that was about the different thing.

No, this was about the week, yeah.

The Comey show, yeah, that's true, yeah.

The Comey line.

Well, that's about that, yeah, yeah, give me radio, That's what I want.

Radio too.

Yeah.

Do you have any upcoming dates?

Anything you want to plug?

Yeah, I'm on the road.

I'm in Levity Live in West Nyack on Labor Day weekend.

Definitely one of the best comedians in New York City.

I'm just saying that.

And I'm in New Orleans at the end of August.

It's all on my website, IanLarlive.com.

Amazing.

Check that out.

Guys, anything else?

You've been to New Orleans?

No, I've been there never for comedy.

Yeah.

I love New Orleans.

Yeah.

I love it too.

Do you do comedy there?

I did festivals.

Okay.

You know, so like bar shows and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember Hell Yes Fest?

No.

No.

Nick and I did it.

They don't have like a club proper.

No, there's no club.

Like, yeah, like I'm doing, I think it's like a bar venue or something.

I don't know if it's still around.

We went.

I dragged him to it, but the abandoned six flags.

That's like one of the coolest things.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

In the ninth ward, yeah, but I mean, at this point now, it's been abandoned since Katrina.

Katrina.

I'm talking about 20 years.

So it might be kind of slim pickings as far as an experience goes.

But we went only maybe seven years after that.

Yeah, it looks like post-apocalyptic.

It was like roller coasters.

We climbed the roller coaster.

I climbed up to the top of the roller coaster.

It was no way.

All the way to the thing.

Yeah, yeah.

I went pretty fucking high up on that.

Wait, but it started swaying stairs?

No, I just went up the fucking

tracks.

Yeah, yeah.

It was like nature is reclaiming it.

Of course.

Yeah, they're like plants growing out of like, yeah, it looks really cool.

Yeah, we went on that, like,

the

ship

put Eric's sister on the boat,

that big boat, and then I just pushed it back and forth, and you got I built up enough momentum that I got that fucking thing going.

Is this wait, but is I mean, is this are we sure it's still there?

Because this was like 13 times.

The park has to be there, because here's what happened, is six flags to build a park, they have to get a lease with the city, right?

So they got a lease from the land for 75 years in, like, the year 2002 or something.

And then Katrina happened, came through, destroyed the park.

Insurance adjusters come by and they're like, yeah, it's going to cost, like, five times more to rebuild the park than it would to like just take the money for what your initial investment was.

Wow.

So Six Flags

just basically tried to get out of the lease.

It's New Orleans, which is completely fucking devastated.

So they're like, look, no, we need the rent.

So they're like, okay, enjoy your fucking eyesore for the next 75 years.

We'll just

have shot, I think, some movies and stuff.

They've used it, I think.

Oh, yeah, that would be a good set.

I guess for an apocalyptic movie.

And is it like gated off or could you just?

It's gated off, but they don't really, I mean, there's a cop that'll just drive to the perimeter, but it's pretty easy.

We just snuck in, yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

I might try to check that out, yeah, yeah.

It's yeah, there's a bunch of like uh, like you could tell it's a kid trying to practice a swastika, he's like getting it wrong, yeah.

There's like a wall of just he's like fucking it up in the future.

I feel good about it because we walked around the whole park, and it's when we got to the end, there was finally a properly drawn swastika.

So, there's like a guy that has a memory of the day he learned how to draw a swastika at six flags.

At the six flags, yeah, but at the abandoned six flags.

Another New Orleans tip because everybody goes to Cafe Dumonde to get a beignet.

It's like a tourist thing.

There's always a big line, right?

But Cafe Dumand,

I don't know if it would be like this time of year, but they have all the windows open up, you know, the kind of floor-to-ceiling.

So it's an open cafe.

You can just skip the line and walk in and sit down at a table.

And the waiters won't notice that you weren't seated by the host.

And so you can just go in and take a table whenever you want.

You don't have to wait two hours in line.

That's interesting, because I always thought that about any restaurant.

It's probably true for any restaurant, but a lot of them they're not open.

Yeah.

So that one you can just skip the fucking line and go in.

Yeah.

And if I was a host, I wouldn't care if you sat yourself.

Yeah.

If I had

a dick, you would do a good job at it.

Yeah.

You bury yourself in the menu when they come up and they say, sir, we didn't see you here.

You go like, oh, but I'm radio.

Do you remember from the movie?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

I can't wait.

I can't wait to have a pen yet.

You're like, sir, this is incredibly offensive.

So you're clearly not radio.

Nick Mullen?

No, I'm radio.

No one likes me.

No!

I'm radio.

All right, I think that's our time for this week.

Can I please just have a beignet, please?

Can I please have a beignet?

I told Ian my scheme.

I do it every time I come into town.

Just don't embarrass me.

Yeah.

I tried my radio thing out.

it worked once before.

All right, guys, thanks for watching today.

Ian, thank you so much.

Thank you for having me, man.

All right, a lot of fun, guys.

Bye.