The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Johnny Pemberton - Episode 64

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Do you have anything to plug, by the way, before we start the show?

Dates?

What are their guys' names?

What are their guys' names?

Their guys' names are Sacramento.

His last name is August 28th.

And

his brother is San Francisco, and it's August 29th.

Stop with the...

You're doing alternative LA nerd melt style?

Comedy?

Nerd melt style?

What are you doing?

Nerd melt.

You're doing one of those like purple American apparel front zip hoodie styles.

Oh my god, these are old, bro.

Do you remember that style of comedy?

I guess so.

I don't know if that isn't exactly the same style.

It's 10 years ago.

Maybe more.

Maybe 15.

Wait, who's the

zip up, though?

Because I feel like.

It was like the Pete Holmes era.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nick and I talk about this a lot.

The like you do

that.

Oh, okay.

So I had four pizzas, like you do.

The kind of sing-songy.

I sort of accidentally forgot malube.

They say that?

I left malube at this guy's house.

Really?

Yeah.

That's a Pete Holmes bit.

No, it's not actually.

It's some comedian.

I can't remember their name.

Pete Holmes.

It's definitely not.

It's from Crashing.

It's in that scene.

When he leaves Maloob at the.

Malube.

So I guess I kind of made a little mistake and kind of took a poop in the ground.

Really?

You know what I mean?

It's like, it's that, right?

The whole like

sing-songy.

Hardwick style.

Yeah, hardwick style.

Talking.

this is older than ten years ago.

Your dad's calling.

You gonna put on speaker?

Put on speaker.

I'm doing the show.

Gotta put on speaker.

What's up with you?

You alright?

With Kamala?

Yeah.

This is great.

to say that

they should be expecting a honeymoon for Cormilla and that she would go ahead in all the polls

not to worry about this because Trump nurtures or was looking forward to fighting as an underdog.

That's it.

So Trump's guy said he's going to be losing and then he'll he'll win?

Well, obviously, they say that

they're Trump's guys.

He's paying them.

They're not the experts.

They're like the guys that work for Trump.

Dad, it's Brat Summer.

We're fine.

Kamala's going to win.

It's Brat Summer.

Are you being a Brat right now?

Oh, that's cool.

Bye, Dad.

All right, bye.

Oh, my God.

They're so happy.

The parents.

What did he say?

He said, there are developments.

Developments.

He said, Trump's people say that Kamala is about to go up, but that he's going to come back and win.

I don't know if that's a development.

Trump's people say that Kamala is going to go up where?

In the polls.

Oh, okay.

Go up in the polls, but Trump's still going to win.

But your dad is like, is he a Trump?

At the Comedy Mothership, she's going to go up.

He's going to go with the Mothership.

Ooh, that would be a good.

She needs to be a good dad's MSNBC.

Right.

He's like an old school.

Your parents are like that or no?

No, I've never, they're not Trumpy at all.

Not even a little bit.

They're MSNBC.

They're not even like.

I don't think they watch MSNBC.

They probably, I don't even know, actually.

Do they have TV?

They do.

I think probably CNN.

Yeah, CNN.

Yeah.

They're happy right now, the parents.

They're happy, I I think so.

Probably my dad's happy.

I don't know about my mom.

My dad said about Kamala.

He said, first time he's felt joy in six months.

Really?

Yeah.

He said it's Brat Summer.

Does he actually say it's?

Does he know what Brat Summer is?

I don't know.

Apparently,

my sister said he

explained it to my grandma on the phone.

It's not real.

It's like a marketing thing, right?

Just like a thing where...

Yeah, it is a marketing thing.

I've been saying that.

I looked it up online, actually, and all I could find out was something about you wear a sunblock, and you go sit at these green tables.

Brat Summer?

Yeah, it's part of Brat Summer.

You smoke those skinny cigarettes?

That's part of Brat Summer.

You know what it is?

It's just being mean to your boyfriend.

And then they're like, oh, it's Brat Summer.

Oh, I thought guys can be Brats, though, right?

No.

I think they can.

No, girls, can you?

No.

No, I'm telling you, I think they can.

I mean, you don't know, I don't know, but I think that I know that guys can be a brat.

No, they're like, oh, my mother says you're a disappointment.

It's Brat Summer.

Oh, okay.

They say stuff like that.

It's like being crazy, maybe sleeping in.

When are you going to make more money?

It's Brat Summer.

Oh, right.

I'm sleeping in.

Yeah, yeah.

I cheated on you.

It's Brad Summer.

I've got a stain on my shirt.

It's Brat Summer.

Yeah, yeah.

Girls do be doing that.

I'm not going to flush.

It's Brat Summer.

Yeah, girls take massive ones these days.

They don't always take it.

And then they just brat it.

I'm going to text you a picture of my shit.

It's Brat Summer.

Do girls do that for you?

Not for me.

No, I'm married.

Fans do that.

Yeah, fans.

That's what it asked for.

The fans?

Send me pics of your largest.

If you're a chick out there and you take a mat, a big old stinky, send it to Johnny.

Oh, by the way, welcome to the show.

It's Johnny Pemberton, everybody.

Having me, audience.

He's promoting his date with a guy named Sacramento.

Sacramento and San Francisco, yeah.

Wow.

Yep.

They're very cool.

What are they like?

They're pretty cool.

You know, they've had a lot of changes over the years, but

what do you mean?

San Francisco has a homeless problem?

San Francisco's had that's historically a big issue there.

I guess what else do they have going on?

They got a lot of weather issues, right?

Like when it's hot here, it's cold there.

Yeah, yeah.

What is that?

It's just the old.

When America zigs, they zag.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I haven't been there in a long time, though.

Too many hills.

I don't.

Yeah.

I haven't been there forever, actually.

And poo-poo on the street.

I have stepped over poop there.

Yeah.

Drug paraphernalia.

There shouldn't be poo-poo on the street.

Unless it's dog poop.

I don't know.

It's the richest country ever.

They can't just be like, oh, it's his identity to poop.

It's the richest country anymore.

I don't think it is, right?

Who's richer?

Uh, like, what's it called?

Um

Qatar.

Qatar.

Qatar.

Not Qatar.

Kat Qadar.

Qatar.

Qatar.

Qatar.

Cutter.

Cutter.

It's really an

yeah, Qatar's fucking bigger, man.

Cotter?

Yeah.

Are they like a sad girl?

What do you mean?

Cutters?

Oh, yeah, it's Cutter.

Are they like, I gotta get out of this town?

You can't cut there, though.

That's not.

Everything's illegal there.

Really?

Yeah.

No, that's legal there.

I mean,

not in public.

You would never do that in public.

Of course, because you can't be messy like that in public in Cutter.

Super clean.

Then don't name your country after depressed girls.

Cutter.

Cutter.

Cutter.

What about

UAE, right?

They're more rich, aren't they?

What's that?

United States of America?

Arab Emirates.

Oh, okay.

Your enemy?

UAE?

Isn't that where Dubai is, right?

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, I love Dubai.

I'm a huge Dubai guy.

Why is it there?

I don't know why it's there.

They're like, oh, we're going to...

Have you been there?

No, I don't want to go.

I've been there.

It's like 150 every day.

Oh, yeah.

And all the roads are straight.

There's like no city planning at all.

It's really weird.

Like, all the roads are straight, and you can't see anything because the billboards are.

They probably planned it to be straight.

Well, I think they didn't plan it because

the sheik gets to decide.

You went there to do stand-up?

I did, like, years ago.

For who?

Some weird tour that

was all at these expat clubs.

It was the first time they ever did this tour.

It was me, an Irish comedian, and a Scottish comedian.

And

it was not very good because

they forgot to promote a bunch of the shows.

And no one came.

For the first show, there was literally no one there because they didn't promote it at all.

So you were at the Burj Khalifa, top floor.

Yeah, top floor.

Zero audience.

Dangling on a little special extended stage.

Why do they do it there?

It's too.

They're like, we're going to have the biggest building of all time.

And it's 150 every day.

And it also doesn't have plumbing or something like that.

The plumbing is super fucked up.

They forgot.

They forgot.

It's brat style.

That is brat style.

It's very brat.

It's very brat.

That is very brat.

I watched a YouTube video about it.

About how they have to have trucks take all the shit away from the place every day because the plumbing doesn't work.

But that might just be.

What?

It might be like...

That's not real.

I watched one of those David.

I'll Google that later.

Google it.

What do I Google?

Pooh Pooh in Dubai?

Google Burj Khalifa shit problems.

Brat Summer.

Brat Summer?

I bet you a girl designed it.

Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Girls never think about plumbing.

I don't think that would be the case there, though, right?

Why?

I don't think you're allowed to design.

It's true.

I don't think you're allowed.

It's really true.

Girls aren't allowed to design.

Not there.

Ladies, start your engines.

You remember that, Hillary?

No, was that a thing?

When Saudi Arabia

permitted women to drive for the first time, she tweeted.

You said that?

Ladies, start your engine.

I miss her.

We got to bring her back.

i mean where is she where is she the right now right now yeah you have any idea i don't keep tabs on on hill i don't know probably like can coon or something you think so i think she's having senior frogs she bratting she's doing like a like body shots oh my god she's being a brat she's being a brat like bill's letting her out out the uh what is brat summer like being a slut

I don't know.

Are we about to have a slut president?

That'd be so sick, actually.

I think Kamala is too buttoned up.

I know.

I wish she was sluttier.

Because she wears like the...

What was that video of her coming off the airplane a couple years ago?

You know, she had like her, it's like slow motion.

She had some sort of like, she had dunks on or something like that.

Or she had like Timberlands.

I don't remember what it was.

It was years ago.

It was like a, oh, check her out.

She looks so fucking, she looks so cool.

She's got cool shoes on.

Come on, dude.

She's dialed in.

This isn't like an Austin-style no-holts barred free speech.

What are you like, oh, she wears Tims?

She can't be the president?

That's not what I said.

I would love it if the president wore Tims.

I would love it too.

Yeah, we should.

People were making a big deal of it.

People were making like a big, they were making a big deal that she was so stylish.

Really?

Yeah.

So that means she's not a slut?

I think so, yeah.

All right.

I'm thinking that brats are not.

You know, I don't know.

No, brats are.

I don't know anything.

I don't know anything.

What mooging is and like

rizzing or whatever.

I don't fucking know.

You know.

People speak in gibberish.

You know, because you know.

I don't have any idea what that word even.

I never even heard that word before.

It's what babies talk about.

Mooging?

Yeah, they inherited like a world that's dying.

So then they have to be like

Mooging?

I don't know.

Mooging and Rizzing.

I've heard Riz is short for charisma.

Okay, fine.

That's what I know.

Alright.

I think it's when you fuck your computer.

Mooging?

Yeah, it's the new type of gay.

They're like, we fuck computers.

Yeah, yeah.

And all their dads are like, just be gay like your dad.

Just be regular gay.

Now you fuck computers this generation.

I can't stand you.

I don't know.

I think that's what's happening.

Yeah, you have Gen Z.

I have it?

Yeah, your kids, right?

I don't have any kids.

I think you have a 19-year-old.

Oh, no.

No?

You said that to me before.

I definitely didn't say that.

Yeah, you said, I went to the Moog convention with my 19-year-old.

Oh, like the

keyboards?

Oh, Moog.

I don't even know what we're talking about anymore.

Neither do I, because I just don't know any slang anymore.

What are we going to do?

I don't care.

Is that going to be.

Are we going to hear that?

No.

I couldn't quite hear that.

Say it again.

If Moogie Mooging is like being looking better than other people, it's like looks faster than she's gonna be.

Being hotter.

Okay.

What about the rest of the the words?

Uh, Richie is charisma.

Uh-huh.

What else?

Uh and I sent you that picture of Kamala that he was talking about.

See?

Look at your texts.

Look at your texts.

What'd you Pete?

No, you didn't.

What do you see?

Let me see.

He didn't send me anything.

Maybe you're on an airplane?

You might be on airplane.

Mooging.

Who?

Mooging.

All right.

I don't even know.

I definitely do not know.

I'm trying to be not know anything now.

That's my new.

I love not knowing anything.

I want to go straight word of mouth.

Yeah.

Like, only know stuff.

Gossip.

Just pure gossip.

Be a gossip.

pure like only find out about stuff if someone tells me yeah and otherwise i don't know yeah but that's really hard to do that now well you got to be at like a bar in the middle of the day like a cheers style situation where everyone like yeah you just start a bar it would be cool It would be cool.

You turn the podcast into a bar, and it's always rolling.

And you just cut down the best of the conversations from the day.

And it could be like a little bit informative, you know.

You have like some news bites, a slice of life.

A slice of life.

Yeah.

You meet interesting characters.

Yeah.

How do we, yeah.

Yeah.

I would be into that.

I'd watch that.

Oh, cooking segment

at the bar?

Yeah, because you got to have a kitchen at the bar, right?

So you have small plates.

Small plates.

Oh, like a gastro pub.

I think Brad Summer is about small plates.

Okay.

Small plates.

Tapas.

Not flushing.

But it's not called Tapas.

It's called Small Plates.

Small plates.

Because Toppas is communist.

That's gay.

Yeah, it's something like that.

Yeah, Brad.

It's all that.

Yeah, yeah.

Small plates, not flushing.

That's all I got.

It'd be funny if her name was Charlie IDF.

Charlie IDF?

What does IDF stand for?

United States of America.

I don't know.

IDF.

Independent dance.

No, intelligent dance fucking.

Intelli.

Do you remember IDM?

Oh, man.

I love IDM.

I heard some IDM in a store the other day, and I was like, oh, man.

You felt smart?

I just felt good.

Boards of Canada.

You were like.

Boards of Canada, Evacs.

Remember Evacs?

No.

What about DJ Shadow?

DJ Shadow.

That was pre-IDM.

Trip Hop.

That was Trip Hop.

Trip Hop.

That might have been

Acid Jazz.

Oh, my God.

Acid Jazz.

Let's talk about this.

What do you want to know about Acid Jazz?

Music.

I can go.

Okay.

Say it.

Give me a freestyle?

No.

Okay.

How about scat?

Have you ever scatted before?

That's like where you talk.

It's like gibberish, you know.

It's like speaking in tongues, but with jazz.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's tough.

I saw this guy on the corner covered in shit, scatting the other day.

Really?

He was a scat?

He was dumb.

And I'm like, oh,

he's probably out here covered in poop with all these backpacks because because he's a scatter.

He's a scat master.

Yeah, yeah.

He's the scat man.

Would you say he was a little scattered?

Yeah.

He was a bit scattered.

I'm crushing.

You're crushing with the Pete demographic.

Do you want to do an ad?

Yeah, I was going to say ad stop.

Yeah.

How much of this should I read?

I don't know.

Yeah, you do.

I don't know.

I don't know how to read.

It's a personal endorsement.

You have to do this.

Do it.

Okay, I'll do it.

Okay.

Okay.

I can pipe in.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, why don't you pipe down?

Okay.

Or pipe in.

Talk about your experience with hairy shaving products.

I've been shaving with hairy practically

my whole life.

Really?

You can't grow a full beard?

As a man?

Not a full beard.

I can't either.

I can get like, you know, this past year I had to grow out for something, and it was the longest I've ever had.

I had like a big old goatee.

Bin Laden movie for a movie.

You got cast as Bin Laden?

Cast as young bin Laden.

Young Bin Laden.

The ABC reboot of really?

Yeah.

What was that?

What was he up to?

It's Dan Rather is flying to meet Bin Laden, Young Bin Laden.

Yeah.

It's called the, it's like Young Sheldon, but Bin Laden.

And then I play Young Bin Laden.

Is funny or no?

Oh, it's very funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how do you get into the character?

With the Harries.

Harry's.

I would

just look at the razors and stuff stuff and be like, I can't do that.

That's haram.

Yeah, it's haram.

Okay.

Describe the look of the packaging and the razor.

Fucking sick.

Sick.

Okay.

How does it look in your bathroom?

Looks fucking ill.

Okay.

It looks like brat in there.

How do you like to keep your facial hair in the quality of the shave?

I like to have my shit tight and tuned.

I like to keep my shit tight too.

Kim Michael really tight.

Yeah.

Perfectly faded to a zero.

it I'll get a tune-up from time to time with my guy but who's your guy if my guy

Caliendo Caliendo yeah Caliendo's not available I'll do a personal I'll tighten it up with

a personal tighten up with Harry's if I can't see Caliendo I'm going Harry okay it's fucking sick honestly

and how does hairy fit into your shaving routine what makes for a great shaving experience for me I have a huge fish tank right a huge saltwater tank and I have that in the bathroom.

And the mirror is behind that.

So I'm looking through fish when I'm shaving.

And with the Harry's, it just is like, it fits in with the vibe, the vibe of what I've got.

It's like a chill vibe.

The fish eat your...

No, it's the tanks in front of the mirror.

It's a very thin tank.

So the fish can swim.

They've got a lot of space.

They look like in the mirror shaving through the fish.

But it's set up.

Have you ever seen Tank Masters?

Yeah.

It was on that.

So it's not, it's like

the web episode.

It's a web episode of Tank Masters where they have, they do like a smaller, it's just a five-minute webisode of Tank Masters where they set up my bathroom tank.

And the fish have a tube they can swim into to go into the main living room tank.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I feed them, they come into the tube in the bathroom, and it's a very thin tank, so the flat fish,

the angelfish, can pass into there.

Yeah, yeah.

Angelfish.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

I bet you they're girls, right?

All they have to do is.

They're actually hermaphrodites, I think.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

They got them both.

They don't pick a sex until like six or seven years, I think.

Really?

Because of woke?

They have no concept of that.

They're woke, I think.

Yeah, they're

what's it called?

Stop getting ripped off with hairies.

You get a shave that's a cut above the rest.

Get started with a $13 trial set for just $3.

Wow.

That's very specific numbers.

That's basically nothing.

It's basically nothing.

Honestly, what can you get for $3 these days?

I'll tell you what you can't get is a cup of coffee.

Yeah, that's true.

Not from these wokes.

Not from anybody.

Because they woke it, so now it's over $3.

Yeah, because they went woke, so they're broke, so they got to raise the price.

If you ain't broke, you woke.

Yep.

I hate broke people, and I love...

You know how woke people are always shitting on broke people?

What's that slang?

What's the rhyme?

If you go broke, then you're probably woke.

No, it's the other way.

If you're woke, then you're

um.

It's a joke to be broke.

Just be woke.

It's a joke to be broke, so just be woke.

Yeah.

Let's try that again from the top.

Okay, you want me to do the whole kind of just read it?

Okay, let's read this again.

Guys, get started with a $13 trial set for just $3 at Harry's.com/slash TAFS.

That's Harry's.com slash TAFS for a $3 trial set.

That's nice.

That is a great deal, honestly.

I agree.

Yeah.

So, how long have you been seeing Caliendo?

Just a couple years.

Really?

Yeah.

You know Paul Riser?

Mad about you.

Yeah, I don't know him personally.

Have you worked with him?

No, I haven't, but he hooked me up with Caliendo.

He did?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where is he at these days?

Paul Riser.

Yeah.

I don't know.

We don't talk.

We're not buds.

Really?

Yeah.

Because we got, because Ray Romano came back for the Irishman.

Oh, that's right.

In my mind, you had Ray, you had Riser.

If you had the double, oof.

Who's the other guy in that era that was kind of the same guy?

Jason Alexander?

Yes.

You had George.

Yeah.

You had Ray, Riser, George.

There's a third guy, though.

Who's the third guy?

Kevin James.

No, because he doesn't fit.

He's not New York.

He's king of.

He's Queens.

Yeah, but that's not.

Where do you think Queens is, brother?

You're right, it is.

But you know what I'm saying?

It's like he doesn't have the same.

he's got lighter hair he doesn't fit in he's like a big guy he's a working class have you ever seen here comes the boom here comes the what the boom I've never even heard of that what is it it's the Kevin James MMA movie you serious it's how old is it very good what do you mean it's very good it's great who else is in it

Joe Rogan is in it he does like the announcing for the MMA right who else is in it it can't just be those two other actors I don't know I forget

Probably, I don't know, one of the best directors.

Like Marty?

Marty who?

Funkhauser.

Marty Marty S.

Oh, my God.

We're in so much free association.

But the Irish man.

You know, yeah.

No.

I watched it recently.

Comes the boom.

How old is it?

I don't know.

15 years?

Look it up, Pete.

That old?

Who made it?

Caliendo.

I've got a blind spot, I'll admit.

I have a blind spot.

For what?

Movies?

A lot of movies, yeah.

Yeah.

But I also have

a not.

I don't know.

I have a weird.

There's a lot of movies I haven't seen, but there's a lot of ones I have seen that people haven't seen.

Oh.

Okay, that's cool.

So I've got the blind spot versus a spot that is too much stuff.

Yeah.

Because you're always like watching weird stuff.

Nah, not really.

Because like Rat Race.

Rat Race?

What is that?

You've never seen it?

No.

Oh, it's one of the best movies ever.

I don't know.

15 years?

years?

Here Comes the Boom was from 2012.

Okay.

Great year.

And it was directed by Frank Cordarachi.

Galiendo.

He directed Click and The Water Boy.

Okay, so pretty much the best movies ever.

He's made.

Yeah.

This guy's fucking.

So the guy that made Click, Water Boy, made this movie, Here Comes the Boom.

Who else is in it?

Wedding Singer?

It's a Sandler guy.

It's a Sandler guy.

It's a Happy Madison guy.

Oh, then I gotta see this, because I like...

Henry Winkler.

I love him.

That's right.

He's the music teacher.

I'm a Henry Winkler fan.

Me too.

Me too.

He was great.

Yeah.

He was great in Barry?

In Barry.

He was the best part of that Barry Way.

That show's really good.

It's really good.

I hear he's got a huge cock.

You're an undecided voter?

Yeah.

I don't know who to choose.

I'm waiting for someone to...

You know what I'm going to do?

Wait till the last minute.

I'm a wait-and-see guy.

I'm a wait-and-see guy.

And I'm going to talk to people in line and get in trouble talking in line because you're like, you're not supposed to talk in line about it, right?

Yeah.

Because it's campaigning at the ballot box.

Yeah, you go to jail for that.

Yeah, you get in trouble.

And whoever said,

imagine going to jail for talking.

I'm like, why are you in?

I mean, go to prison.

I'm in prison for.

What'd you do?

I'm campaigning for Trump at the ballot box.

Yep, it's true.

I'm in prison.

The wokes.

They're putting you in jail for liking him.

Fucking jail.

Your grandma's going to jail.

Let her throw away the key.

He asked me.

Why?

She's because she wore a Trump hat at the ballot box.

You know what I do?

I wouldn't let her.

You know what I do?

What do you do?

I wait for someone to win, and I was like, I fucking knew it.

That's what I do.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Dude, I told you.

You like the Leonardo DiCaprio meme?

How about this?

Ready?

What is it?

Oh, where he's watching TV.

That's That's funny.

I knew it was going to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's Riz Stott.

You know,

he's going to connect with the Leo D.

What does he do?

He's pointing to TV.

Yeah, because it's like he's looking at.

Is he looking at someone?

Is he looking at himself?

He's watching his own scene from the TV show that they shot earlier in the movie, Monster Total.

Yeah, he's seen so many movies.

Great film.

Yeah, yeah.

Great film.

Wonderful.

Great film.

Great film.

Tarantino.

Tarantino.

I love him.

You ever worked with him?

I haven't.

Who made the movies you've been in?

You need to list all of them?

The directors.

Well, I mean, there's a bunch of different directors.

Okay, let's list them.

I think it would not be good just to say their names.

No, no, brag.

No.

Why?

Because it's not a brag.

It's Brat Summer.

No, if you don't brag, that's bragging.

Is it?

Yeah.

If you're like, I don't want to say, if you're like, I don't want to say, it's James Cameron.

No, because honestly, I don't even know.

You never learn the director's name.

I know all their names, but what am I going to do?

Like, just be like, it's this guy and this guy and this guy.

So, what's the name?

No.

You have their number?

I may have some of their numbers, yeah.

Which one?

Oh,

I don't know exactly.

I got probably a couple good ones.

Okay.

I probably got a couple good ones in there.

Who's the best one?

That's objective.

That's obviously.

Do IMDB Johnny?

You can't do this.

Why?

Because this is

looking at it.

Looking at MDB.

I'm proud of it, but that's.

So you were in.

You're getting the weeds there.

Brett Rattner?

I have never worked with Brett, no.

No.

He's in Director's Jail now, right?

Isn't he?

What is Director's Jail?

Director's Jail when they won't hire you.

Have you ever heard of John?

Never heard of that?

No.

That's like an actual term.

I hear it's worse than real jail.

It's a Hollywood term.

I hear it's worse.

Yeah, yeah.

Real jail.

Don't drop the soap in director's jail.

Oh, God.

You don't even get

it.

You don't even get soap.

Because you can't afford because they won't hire you.

Really?

I think he was in director's jail, maybe.

I don't know.

Who puts you in director's jail?

Netanyahu?

No, it's like the guild of producers, sort of.

It's like a, it's, you know what it is?

It's a, it's an unspoken thing.

It's like a secret.

All right, go.

Your anti-Semitic rant.

Continue.

Unspoken secret.

Unspoken secret cabal of people who are.

What's a cabal?

I don't know.

Cabala Harris?

Yeah, I would say that she's probably a part of it.

It's like, you know, the Bohemian Grove?

No.

You part of the Bohemian Grove, right?

Me?

Yeah.

No?

You know what it is, right?

What is it?

Come on, now.

What is it?

The Bohemian Grove.

You know about the Freemasons?

No?

You don't know about them?

Free?

It's not Freemasons.

You had me at free.

Yeah.

I love Freemason.

It's the best joke about Freemasons I've ever heard.

You had me at free.

You had me at free.

Yeah, yeah.

So, what are they doing?

Masons locked up?

They're out there doing.

Mason's like a rapper.

That's where he came from, yeah.

He was the first person to break free of the Masons.

Who's it?

Like a white kid?

It's a bunch of white, white.

I don't know what it is.

I'm sick of the fucking Mayo.

The Mayo?

Apparently, white people?

They love mayonnaise.

Do they?

I like a dry sandwich because

I'm not white.

When's the last time you had a dry sandwich?

Oh, I would never be caught having a mayonnaise sandwich.

How dry are we talking about here?

Oh, my God.

Uh, toast

with a piece of toast in the middle.

A bread sandwich.

Just plain bread on bread?

No mayo.

What about some uh some turkey, sliced turkey?

Some lettuce, tomato, pickles.

That's all pretty dry.

If you're not putting mustard on, not putting mayo, it's dry.

No.

Too spicy.

You just want just the pure mayo.

Why do they say that white people love mayo?

Mayo's delicious.

Yeah, it's great, and everyone likes mayo.

And they say salt is too spicy for white people.

Who's they?

They said white people say salt s salt too spicy.

Are you white?

I don't even know anymore.

I don't know.

I've never known, honestly.

Really?

Yeah.

I've got 23 and me.

Did you really?

Yeah.

You know what I got?

I got 100% that bitch.

Ah, come on.

Did you really get it?

Yeah.

What did it really say?

No, I would never get it.

Because the government knows about your DNA.

I might kill someone one day.

I don't want my DNA.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have your parents done it, though?

Killed people?

Yes.

Have their parents done?

A lot of people.

Done 21 and me?

No.

we know what we're going to get.

What are you going to get?

100% Ashkenazi disgusting.

Doesn't that break down a little bit?

Is that really just one thing?

Oh, yeah.

Allergies-wise?

Yeah, maybe.

What about grass, milk?

Do you have anyone in your family?

Sees colitis?

What?

Ulcerative colitis?

Probably.

Although you don't know anyone for sure.

Tay-Sachs.

Tay-Sachs is a...

It's a Jewish.

Is it really?

Yeah.

We have our own thing.

Ulcerative colitis is too.

I think it's like what is that?

It's a bowel disease of the large intestine.

And everyone wants to be mean to us when we're dealing with this.

They want to say, oh,

you run the government.

If your stomach was bad, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

Or more like if you ran the government, wouldn't your stomach be bad?

Exactly.

All that stress.

That's kind of a chicken and an egg situation.

Yeah, and I can't have those together.

Because if I do, ooh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Who's your favorite Jewish person in the world?

You.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm not the best one by far at all.

My favorite Jewish person.

You're way better.

Well, God.

So you probably don't like him.

I love him.

No,

just be honest.

You could say it now.

I could say it now.

Yeah, you saw this Columbia protest.

We could all say.

What Columbia protest?

I don't know.

The one that the kids ran out of the middle?

That was like the news before the election came back.

Yeah.

They were like having the, everyone was like, like, the kids are protesting at a college, a war.

This has never happened before.

They were really up in arms.

And then we remembered that the election was happening.

We had to have a nerd shoot Trump.

The nerd.

Do you think there's anything weird with that assassination attempt?

Well, it was a nerd, of course.

Right.

It was kind of a deGrossian style.

It's always a nerd, isn't it?

Is it always a nerd?

Oswald was kind of a nerd, right?

If he

was a bit of a nerd.

He was a dork.

He was a rifle dork.

Yeah.

He was like a sharpshooter.

All those sharpshooters are freaking dorks.

Really?

Even Chris Kyle.

No, I don't know.

Yes, he was.

It was Chris Kyle.

He's one of the biggest pussies ever.

Yeah, it's true.

That's not the same as a dork.

I didn't say that.

Yeah, he was a dork.

Just kind of a.

Of course, I did.

Oh, you seen the theater?

Of course I did.

Yeah, me too.

Really?

Yeah, I really did.

I went and saw it with a friend, and it was

that was a Clineswood joint, right?

It was a Clineswood joint.

Yeah, yeah.

Was it a Clineswood movie?

Yeah.

God.

It said a lot.

One of his best.

Yeah.

You worked with Clint?

No.

Have you?

You have.

No, I have not.

You have?

Have not.

I think it's too late.

Really?

I think I would have if I.

No, he's still making movies.

I know, but you know what I mean?

I think it's.

They let him.

He's like 70 million years old.

Yeah.

He might be 90.

Is he 90?

He is old.

He talked to a chair at the Republican.

He had 17 years ago.

Longer.

Yeah.

Maybe it was like 27 years ago.

At least.

He was so old that he talked to a chair, and he's still making them damn movies.

It was a good bit, though, the chair bit.

So funny.

I would have done that.

I've done that with a stand-up at Nerd Meld, actually, that bit.

Really?

Yeah.

And what did they say?

They fucking laughed.

They didn't say anything.

Like you do.

Maybe don't.

It's almost Borat.

It's like Borat Light.

You know what I mean?

It's kind of.

My light.

Yeah.

They were copying Borat.

That's what I said about the nerdist crew.

It was the Borat.

This is Borat.

Borat.

Well, looks like I got to get out of here because,

I don't know, I can't even think what to.

Me too?

Accusation.

That was like a heavy, like.

A lot of boys in the nerd comedy space

were catching cases.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think back.

I forget.

Think about how predatory like you do is.

Can you give me some pussy?

Like you do.

You know?

Oh, yeah, I guess that's true because it's that.

What do they call it?

What girl could resist that?

To resist a guy who's just so pathetic that he has to.

I don't know, but I kind of gotta like.

My dick is.

Link, get you.

Do you wanna have sex?

Said no one ever.

Looks like you're pretty hot.

and oops, my dick's hard.

Oopsie Daisy.

You got a boner.

Yep.

And then the girl's like, you're doing borat.

That's borat.

Ding-dong.

My boner.

My boner.

My bone.

I can't even do bonat.

How many guys' wedding vows did my wife during the wedding vows?

Oh, my God.

There have to be like...

It's got to be videos like

early viral videos.

On the planet Earth,

I'm going to say 500 men have done a my wife

during the wedding.

And then they dance out.

Guess what?

They're all wearing Converse.

Yes.

That would be fucking shit.

Tom's shoes.

Tom's.

Tom's.

Oh, Tom's.

They're wearing Tom's.

The whole grooms party is wearing Tom's.

That would be so cool.

Doing My Wife.

Let's look it up right now.

And they dance in.

Maybe they could dance into a song.

It would be like a funny song.

Wedding.

It's going to be a good vowing.

Vows.

I got a feeling.

Okay.

And you sing it to your wife on.

the side.

Husband quotes Borat in vows.

Here we go.

Oh,

the priest does it.

Do you take, do you lawfully take, you may now kiss your wife?

When the groom said this earlier in the wedding day, anything you want to say to your future bride?

I hope we have a lot of sex.

Oh.

A lot.

He said not.

Not.

I don't like that as much as not.

Dude.

But why would you say not?

Because you do want to have.

He just said, I hope we have a lot of sex.

Not.

Nath?

That's isn't that a Bart Simpson joke?

No, it's when he's learning jokes.

He learns a not joke.

I'm pretty sure that's Bart Simpson, right?

The whole like saying not at the end.

That's old as hell, right?

You don't know, do you?

I don't really know more.

Yeah, I don't really know movies.

Yeah, I don't know movies too good.

Wait, second.

Thank you.

Johnny, you take a crack at this.

Where do you get a pants like that?

It's nice.

Searsucker.

This isn't Searsucker.

You should know.

This is a Searsucker.

This is not Searsuck.

It's kind of an I've been working on the railroad style.

Searsucker is kind of an oshkosh bagosh style.

Kind of oshkosh bagosh.

Kind of fun.

But I would just say that

you into nicotine at all?

I love it.

You would probably love 100% pure nicotine that's always tobacco-free.

I hate when it's spiked.

Yeah, when they got tobacco.

I hate when they cut it.

No, I want

fentanyl.

You're going to love Lucy.

Because Lucy, it's not like everybody

that's owned by Big Tobacco.

They're like a mom and pop.

Really?

Yeah.

You know, we could trade this.

It's like a.

a.

If you're not a pouch guy or gal, Lucy Gum is available in 2, 4, 6.

And set yourself up milligrams and set yourself up with a subscription and have Lucy delivered straight to your door.

So basically, they have gums and pouches, guys.

What's your favorite flavor?

I like no.

Known?

None.

None.

None.

They have no.

It's not good for the ad.

They have none?

No, they have great flavors.

They have great flavors.

You use the highest strength.

Of course.

Was it 12?

Yeah.

Or 16?

That's what Chris Kyle actually used to use on the rain.

He was loosed up.

When you throw in your Lucy.

Ooh.

When I throw my Lucy, it's about to get juicy because these flavors are

off the chain.

Such as super strawberry, big old grape,

chewy morning coffee, midday slump at the golf course.

It's about to get Lucy.

I hate the midday slump.

I hate midday slumps.

At the office?

I hate it.

I'm not getting my numbers.

My boss is mad that I'm not hitting my numbers.

It's breathing down my neck.

Right.

No, it's even worse than he.

Oh.

She.

Oh, my God.

Kamala style.

I need a

Lucy slump.

Girlfriend.

You had a flavored one?

What?

You got a flavored one?

Lucy?

Yeah.

Of course.

I love the flavors.

And I like it when it's 12 milligrams.

Oh, my God, yes.

In a pouch.

Apple ice, wintergreen, mango, espreeso.

Espresso.

Why is this a nicotine routine that you can feel good about?

I don't know.

Would you tell me why it's a nicotine routine I can feel good about?

Because it's mom and pop.

I got it from an old couple.

It's mom and pop.

It's like a bed and breakfast style.

They're forced to work, stay there.

They have to talk to a boring old lady.

My son looks a lot like you.

My son died in the war in Iraq.

And I'm like,

your son was a baby killer.

Okay?

Family fire.

I'm glad.

Dead.

Okay?

After

Bush,

original Bush.

Yeah, take that, Bush.

Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy.

Go to lucy.co

slash T A F S and use promo code TAFS to get 20% off your first order.

Lucy offers free shipping.

But how's Lucy spelled?

L-U-C-Y.

Right.

It's like a person's name, not like a like.

Not like a Lucy.

Yeah, like it's Luce.

Yeah, no, L-U-C-Y, like a woman's name.

They know what they're doing.

The mom and pop know what they're doing.

Lucy offers free shipping and has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind.

That's lucy.co.

Use promo code TAFS and get 20%

off and always free shipping.

It's Lucy.com.

It's Lucy.co.

And here comes the fine print.

Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, and every order is age-verified.

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

That's kind of cool that I got to do that.

Like a disclaimer on ads.

Is that your first one?

No, we've done it before.

Yeah.

Have you tried them?

Lucy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How's your personal experience?

Pretty cool.

It's good, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I got a lot of respect.

A lot of respect.

Are you going like espresso?

I popped an espresso and then

just the respect started pouring in.

From others, or you got respect for?

Just around my neighborhood that I gentrified my neighborhood.

I walk around my pit bull.

Oh, that's right.

You mentioned it.

You know, I say, this is my

neighborhood now.

Do you upper deck or lower deck?

Four.

One, two, three, four.

Oh,

I saw it on the Nelk Boys podcast.

God.

Do you do twelves in each, or do you do like different strata?

Different strata and then I do mental math to add it up.

Ooh.

Yeah, yeah.

A little fun math activity.

Is it all four divisible by four?

I don't fucking know math, brother.

What do you do?

You do LA comics with your nerd-style math comedy.

You start

talking about numbers.

No, I'm a free speech style.

You're LA.

Marvel Cinematic Universe.

I'm free speech.

I'm free speech.

No, you're like, oh, when the Superman was.

Don't bag the phones.

We're talking real shit.

Really?

And you're like, don't bag the phones.

Just don't tell me what to say.

I'm not telling you what to say.

I'm telling you who you are.

Okay, who am I?

You're the guy who's

different than me.

I don't want to know.

Really?

I'm free speech.

I'm free speech more.

Yes, I am.

You're more free speech?

Yeah, I think you should be able to say anything.

Okay, Green Glen Glingwald.

Are you

Gen Greenwald?

I don't know movies.

I don't know movies.

Glenn Greenwald, Glenn Ross?

Glenn Greenwald, Glenn Ross.

And

he loves dogs.

Glenn Phoebe, Glenn Ross.

They're remaking Glenn Garry Glenn.

Glenn Chandler Glenn Ross.

They're redoing Glen Garry Glenn Ross.

With not with Matthew Perry.

He passed away.

Nope.

They're doing it with Matt Perry.

I think about him a lot.

Matt Perry?

Yeah.

Why?

Because society, it was our fault.

Yeah, we failed him.

We did.

We cannibalized our geniuses.

We love them so much that we squeeze them until they have to do ketamine in a hot tub.

Yeah.

I feel bad.

For

Matt.

We killed Chandler.

Yeah.

Did you watch that show?

Friends?

Yeah.

No.

Seinfeld.

I did.

Seinfeld.

You can watch both.

No.

Friends?

No.

Oh.

Seinfeld.

I didn't like Friends.

It was a bunch of rubbish.

You know what?

It's trash.

Trash.

A bunch of trash.

Seinfeld, Seinfeld better.

Friends.

I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons as a kid.

Really?

Yeah, I also wasn't allowed to watch...

What channel was it?

God, definitely not The Simpsons.

Porn.

Yeah, the porn channel was not allowed.

We didn't have the porn channel.

Yeah.

Did you have the porn channel?

You did?

Yeah.

You know about the magnet on the TV?

You don't know that, do you?

About putting a magnet on the TV?

This is an old, this is an old, old thing.

What happened?

You put a magnet on the TV to de-scramble the porn channel because it used to be scrambled.

No, no, that's a thing that people used to do.

I could have done that.

I don't know if because for years I was just watching that scribble-scrabble, trying to see if maybe one second I get a tit.

But you get the audio.

In fact, the audio is pretty.

The magnet thing can't be real.

It's actually upsetting.

No, it's very real.

I've wasted years.

I think you have to have a special magnet, though.

It's not just like any magnet.

Don't lie.

I'm not lying.

I'm not lying.

I'm very real.

Pete.

I'm Googling it right now.

It might be urban lore, but it's something that I was told as a very young boy growing up in Minnesota.

You didn't try it?

I think my friend tried it, but we maybe had the...

God, this is so long ago, I can barely remember.

Yeah.

This is a very long time ago, but I think.

It was one of those beating off sleepovers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, the crackers.

You know how crackers be.

Remember that at the game?

You ever played crackers?

What's that?

Too spicy.

You've heard of crackers.

Crackers, too spicy.

What is crackers?

You never heard of crackers?

You're like Midwest.

You do crackers.

It's like the duck.

Oh, yeah, where you come on a...

Everyone comes on the crackers, and the last person to come has to eat the crackers.

That was something that was told to me that people do.

I think people don't actually do that.

I think they've never actually done that.

Could you imagine actually doing that game with your other athlete friends?

You know, you're going to be...

In the locker room?

Yeah, because you were.

Snapping towel, playing crackers.

Snapping the towel.

You hear about the towel snap that pops some guy's testicle bag open?

No.

They told us this when I was a young lad that

you shouldn't do snapping towels because

some person one time got snapped so that sounds right.

It sounds true.

It sounds right.

This doesn't sound like a lie.

I mean, that's one that as a 37-year-old man, I'm like.

It's probably true.

Yeah.

The testicle got snapped because that thing is like, it's like a, you know, that's a

big, that sound that happens, that's because this breaking sound barrier.

It's like a whip, right?

Yeah.

So someone got hit in the testicles with that whip, and it was so sharp that it fucking opened up their goddamn testicle.

Really?

And their testicles fell out.

And so we were told not to do that.

And they put it back?

I don't know.

It's like Pandora's box.

You can't put it.

Yeah, yeah.

I bet you can't.

I bet you can put put it back.

You got big doctors that can get it back in there.

You put that shit in ice quickly.

You can get it.

You have to roll it back up.

Because that's what they said.

It's so funny.

So that sounds like the Darwin Awards.

Remember that?

Yeah, that's when someone dies.

In a funny way.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no death is funny.

I don't think so either.

I think no death is funny.

Everyone's like, makes jokes, especially in my scene, the kind of free speech stuff.

Free speech alt.

Yeah, everyone's like, oh, ha ha ha.

Like Park Slope Free Speech Alt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What about is it like a Bay Ridge kind of thing, or is it more of a...

No, no, no, no.

I would never.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's not like a Gay Ridge.

Park Slope.

I go to the food co-op.

Stop naming places that I've heard.

Yeah.

Midtown East.

Oh, Midtown East, yeah.

Midtown West.

Upper, sort of an Upper West side free speech.

They don't have free speech there.

They don't, do they?

No, the Jews don't.

It's too expensive.

It's too expensive.

Yeah, it's not free.

It's free if you can afford it.

Yeah, it's true.

They lie.

That's my saying.

They lie.

It's free.

It's actually expensive speech.

That's what I call it.

Because I lost my career because of it.

You did?

Yeah.

What happened?

So I wouldn't call it free speech.

I call it fucking expensive.

How did you lose it?

I just

told it like it is.

Was this

like on a stage or was it at a...

The mothership.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

So it was really special.

I was like, Comedy Mothership, Take Me to Your Dealer.

That's what I have a hat that says that.

Yeah.

It's like a Rasta hat.

It says, Take Me to Your Dealer.

We used to live in a good country.

Yeah.

That used to be like great stuff.

It used to be Prime Joke.

Just take me to your dealer.

Now it's Fentanyl and Riz.

Also, aliens are politicized.

Yeah, it's true.

It's true.

Aliens used to be cool.

Aliens used to cool.

And now it's Mexican guys?

Not even that.

I'm not even talking about that.

Yeah.

Don't get me started.

Oh, I thought that's what you meant.

No, I'm talking about like extra.

So you're saying they're flooding over the border?

You were talking about that before the show started?

Oh, I was listening to that rant you were doing.

You said that we got to stop the flooding over the border?

Well, we were in the bathroom.

No, I don't want to talk about what happened in the bathroom.

I was just showing you the towel thing.

Uh-huh.

And, you know.

And I was taking poop.

Right.

And it was one of those where it gets, like, the atmosphere gets wet.

Yeah.

One of those that style.

And I'm like, I wish a girl was here.

Right.

So I could send this to her as payback for all the turds that these broads are sending me.

Brats.

Brats.

They haven't been broads in a long time.

Who's your favorite woman?

Probably

Jackie Onassis.

Really?

What about it?

Style.

Does she do anything, though?

You know, she's got style.

She's got grace.

Just the way that she goes at, she helps her man out kind of thing.

Something like that.

I don't know.

I don't need a lot.

You know, I go by, I'm a vibe guy.

I'm a vibe guy.

And Jackie L, I mean, we talk about vibes.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess if Kamala became the president, she'd like.

Dougie.

Dougie's the next Jackie L.

That's why I'm into it.

Because Dougie's got style.

He's chill.

Can you imagine just all day you have nothing to do?

You're at the White House?

You want to talk about a big dick?

Really?

Dougie?

That's like not a thing Jews do, honestly.

Because normally we manipulate.

Yeah, we like pull the strings, but we don't fuck our way to the top.

Doug might be the coolest ever.

He's doubling down.

He's got that big old cable box remote size dick.

Bill Maher style.

Yeah, Bill Maher style.

Even though he's not on cable, it's funny that he hasn't.

He's got 1.5 Mar.

He's got like a charter communication style, huge,

massive remote that's got that

thing on the, it bows out a bit.

It's just a big old clanger.

Yeah.

Donkey dick, as we say.

That's what the movie Click is about, right?

Yeah, it's about having big dicks.

That would be great if it was just about the size of a remote.

I haven't actually seen Click, but maybe.

I hear it's good.

It's got to be great.

He's got a remote size.

Sam can't lose.

He's got a big old dick.

Just a huge dick, but it clicks when it gets hard.

Have you worked with him?

I haven't.

No.

No, Click?

Sandler?

I haven't worked with Sandler.

Sandman?

The Sandman?

Must be annoying, like, young comics like us coming up in the game.

We meet him, and probably all of us.

Are young comic?

Yeah.

37?

That's not young comic.

I think so.

Young comic.

In comedy years.

Come on.

They're not funny.

They're fucking computers and stuff.

Yeah.

They're like, what?

They're like killing themselves and mental illness.

I don't even know.

I'm so out of touch with all those

younger scenes.

I truly have no idea.

What are they doing?

They're all racist now, I think.

Seriously.

Are they?

Yeah, apparently it's okay to be a racist these days.

But it's like a certain type of thing.

It's wrong, if you ask me.

Oh, it's always wrong.

It's one of the worst things, I think.

I condemn it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's worse than racism?

Our work.

What?

It's just gibberish.

We're just two like fucking hobos at a fucking.

The two of us are talking like we're like around a barrel with a fire in it.

I would love to be around a barrel.

What did you get with the barrel?

I already made that illegal.

They put barrels with suspenders.

Yeah.

With these hobos.

Get regular clothes.

Yeah.

We sound like two vagrants.

I would like to have a sandwich board.

What's worse than racism?

Our word?

Mint Mobile.

I love a great deal.

Wait, this is Mint Mobile.

This is your Ryan Reynolds, my guy.

Ted Poole.

You worked with him.

Haven't I?

Admit it.

I haven't worked with him.

I've worked with the.

He's got Riz.

He's got Greys.

He's like the Riz master.

He's funny.

Have you seen that picture of him with what's her name sitting on his lap?

And he's like, get me out of here.

Remember that?

A couple years ago, he was at a party with

his girlfriend, Blake Lively.

Griffin?

Blake Lively.

Okay.

And they're at a party with Taylor Swift, and Taylor Swift's got a boyfriend.

Oh, my God.

What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall.

Well, you can be a fly because People Magazine was there, and there's a picture.

They're all like lining up this picture, and Ryan Reynolds, this is what he does.

He goes,

because he's like, you know.

He's so bored with pussy.

He's gotten so much.

He's like, get me out of here.

He's like, get fucking too much pussy for me.

He's like, check, please.

Check, please.

Mint Mobile.

Okay, I love a great deal as much as the next guy.

They wrote this for me.

It's anti-Semitic a little bit.

But I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hotels.

Are deals anti-Semitic?

Ryan Reynolds.

Okay, first of all, I think Ryan Reynolds wrote this.

I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals.

Oh.

Feel free to insert humorous analogy.

I think that saying, feel free to insert humorous analogy, that is.

You write the funny thing, Ryan.

I think that's what you're supposed to say.

That's the joke.

That's the joke.

Like Like, when Deadpool kills somebody,

something funny here, writers.

And he jumps on the

lampoon guys, really snapped when they wrote this.

Just to save a few bucks.

It has to be easy.

No hoops, no BS.

Deadpool does say that kind of stuff.

BS and stuff.

Yeah, so when Mint Mobile said it was easy, I fucking hate.

Have you ever eaten crap?

Shit?

Shit, like eaten shit?

Just out of my hand.

I have, and I hate it.

Yeah, that's why I that's why I don't tolerate BS

I do not tolerate BS

crap whenever I'm shopping at Whole Foods I look at the labels and if it says no BS on the label I'm buying the food it's true because they slip it into the food the world slip in some bullshit so when mint mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan I called them on it that's pretty cool called them on it on my mint mobile phone I called them actually but how do do you have the mint before you can't have the mint before you got it?

I don't know.

Pay phone, but they don't have those anymore.

You've got something on your arm, just so you know.

It's been there a while, I think.

It's a piece of detritus.

It's a sticker.

Do you have more gellens?

Shut the f up.

Shut the fuck up.

Let me read this Ryan Reynolds crap.

Turns out that it's really easy to get wireless for $15 a month.

The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold waiting to break up with my old provider.

That's Reynolds side.

You should have Reynolds AI call in for you.

Deadpool.

They should.

We'll go ahead and break up.

This is, that's funny.

If we do that, I don't even know.

What is it?

You know, Deadpool?

That's Ryan Reynolds.

I don't know movies.

And also, I'm not allowed to watch Rated R.

I think it's PG-13.

To get started, go to mintmobile.com/slash T-A-F-S.

There you'll see that right now, all three-month plans are only $15 a month.

That's so cheap for phones.

That is actually a really cheap pay.

So much.

What's the catch?

I don't know.

It's got to be something, right?

All plans come with high-speed data, unlimited talk.

How is it $15?

Talk and text?

And text.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Let me see that.

On America's largest 5G network.

Why is it so cheap?

How did Reynolds do it?

God, he's in the movie Waiting?

Yes.

Good movie.

Great movie.

Okay.

You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with existing contacts.

You can keep your contacts.

They have to.

I bet you you want to keep a lot of those directors.

I definitely do.

Like who?

Like

Jason.

Stop lying, dude.

Say one.

Find out how easy it is to switch to Mint Mobile and get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month.

Oh, it's only three months.

That's the deal.

But what does it shoot up to after that?

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customers on first three-month plan only.

Speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan.

Additional taxes and fees and restrictions apply.

See Mint Mobile for details.

I don't even know what that means.

It sounds like a good deal.

It's a good deal.

You know,

nothing's free.

Mintmobile.com/slash T-A-F-S, guys.

Mint Mobile.

You heard it here first.

You ever got your heart broken?

Yeah, I think so.

Doesn't everybody?

Some people probably not.

Yeah.

Marr.

Marr.

He's breaking the heart.

Marr's breaking the heart.

He's got that huge cough.

He's breaking them literally.

He wouldn't be so smug if he got his heart broken at least one time.

I heard that said about some singer, Leanne Rhimes.

Remember her?

Remember Leanne Rhimes?

Yeah.

I remember this is like 25 years ago.

Let's hear this.

Hearing Reba say,

she's going to sing so much better once she gets your heart broken.

What a bitch.

She was so young.

She was a very young girl when she started, Leon Rhymes.

She was like 14, right?

Yeah, and so she hadn't yet.

She was like, oh, Reba's like, I hope this 14-year-old gets cheated on.

Basically, kind of gross, dude.

It's going to help her art.

Yeah, that's true.

Did it help your art?

I think it helps all of our our art.

A lot of people say, like, art, like, good art comes from a really dark place.

I think they're right.

You know, because you know the first person to say that was

Adolf Hitler.

He didn't just fall out of a coconut tree.

You made that up?

That's a meme.

Who said that?

Camela.

Pamela?

Camela.

What if it was Pamela Anderson?

Oh, instead of Camela Camela Harris.

Yeah, but she's got.

She did fall out of a coconut tree.

You know what I'm saying?

What does that mean?

Yeah, she's got coconuts.

Do you remember the joke about jacking off where you're like, it's just me and Pamela Henderson?

Actually, I never heard that one.

That's a new one for me.

I wrote it.

You were that just now or was it

sitting on that one?

Fourth grade.

A while.

A while.

A while.

I've been.

I took out Malube.

So, what's the best part of being married?

Everything, really, honestly.

Yeah.

It's great

because I like who I'm married to.

And

I don't know.

It's just,

you don't have to worry.

About what?

Anything.

Really?

Yeah.

But what if you lose all the money?

Then you got someone to be poor with you.

My friend,

they had a kid three years ago.

He's three.

And

he's a pretty smart kid.

And he's realized that he he wants to stay up at night So he like realized if he asks a like a good enough question that they'll be like proud of him for being so like uh precocious right that they'll have to answer he's like very like it's an intelligent thing to figure out yeah and the other day they were like putting him to bed and my friend like didn't come downstairs for like an hour and he was like

he just asked um what happens if you lose all your money

what did your friend say to that

he said that

you lose your house, and then you have to move in with your friend, and then you save enough money, and then you get

your own house again.

I think I may have asked questions like that when I was a kid,

but not for the staying up late reason.

It's so,

that is impressive, though.

Yeah, I guess so.

You know?

When do you just say, like,

what happens if you lose all your business?

You don't understand.

Go to bed.

I'll tell you later.

No, that's bad parenting.

Is it?

No, yeah.

What if you say, like, look up on your fucking iPad?

Really?

Does a kid have an iPad?

Do your parents cuss at you?

Not at all.

No.

Really?

Not at all.

No.

I learned to curse on my own.

I did.

You were self-taught?

I was.

No, I feel like I wasn't self-taught.

I think I learned from like musicians, you know what I mean?

Because musicians are so

fucking cursey.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like pirates.

Musicians curse a lot.

All the musicians I knew would curse a lot.

No, no, no.

Okay.

Rewind.

You said musicians are like pirates.

Yeah.

This is a closer.

This is a closer for your act.

I think this is a chunk.

I don't think a chunk.

I think a big closer.

For your hour.

Pick a bit.

Like a big bit, like a fire.

All right, let's work it.

Let's work it out.

Let's work it out.

You mean workshop it?

Yeah, yeah.

Musicians are like pirates.

Musicians are like pirates because

pirates are filthy.

They are.

Musicians are too because oops, soap's expensive.

They love booty.

They love booty.

They do.

Oh, you like money?

Booty's money.

I thought it was

like from Trader Joe's.

Pirates Booty?

Yeah.

That's what the product is, but it's just made of like gold because it's gold, it's cheddar, so it's kind of like colour.

I don't know what the fuck.

I don't know.

I don't watch movies.

All right, let's work on it again.

Musicians are like pirates.

I think you should do this bit.

No, you just said it.

I'm not going to give it to you.

I said it, but I'm going to give it to you.

No, no, no, don't give it to me.

I'm giving it to you.

No, no, no, come on.

I write all my own stuff.

You can't return a bit.

No, I write all my own stuff.

You're not writing it.

You're just taking the premise.

It's a premise gift.

You know.

Hey, y'all.

Okay.

Y'all motherfuckers ever.

This is good.

Okay.

Okay, ready?

Y'all.

Ha ha ha.

And that's the last time I'll ever

watch my parents fuck.

That's the end of a bit.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, let's do it again.

And then she was all like, okay, no, this is the end of the bit before the pirate thing.

Okay.

Okay, so you got to give me a laugh after the punchline.

Here's the punchline.

You're the audience.

We're workshopping.

Okay.

Okay.

You don't have to laugh.

I'm going to laugh if it's funny.

We just want to get the pacing.

Okay.

Got it.

And she was like,

you call that a dick?

Haha.

Anyway.

That's remote control.

Anyway.

Okay.

Let's run that again.

And then she was all like,

I think you got the wrong hole.

Yeah, but anyway, guys, you ever notice how musicians are a lot like pirates?

Ah, ah, yeah.

That's my listening sound.

Wait, hold up.

I was about to do my big closer, but I just saw this fucking pathetic loser in the audience.

Oh, oh, what do you do for a living?

I'm actually.

Have you ever been with a squirter?

You fucking pussy.

What's your job?

I'm a body count inspector.

Body count?

I'm just kidding.

A body count inspector.

I'm an accountant.

I'm an accountant.

Yeah, that's a pretty good job for a fucking

pedophile.

No, I'm not.

No, but seriously.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

That was good, right?

Impressive.

Okay, no, but you fucked me up because I had to go into my crowd work.

I already asked me again what I do for a living.

Hey, what do you do for a living?

Why do you?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Local 26.

Why don't you come up here and do my job for me?

I will.

Okay, if you're so funny,

I don't go to local 26 and knock the cock out of your ass.

That's not how you do it, buddy.

Hey, I don't go to a bad job.

That's not how you fucking do that joke.

What?

That's not how you do that joke.

Hey,

I don't go to local 26 and

knock your giant cock out of my ass.

Hey, wrap it up, buddy.

How big is it?

Wrap it up.

How big is it?

Wrap it up, my white.

Listen, you fucking Zionist.

What is happening there right now is a fucking genocide.

And that's how I get the power back.

All I read is the posts.

That's the guy, right?

All I read is the posts.

Okay,

let me be the guy.

You do the crowd work on me.

I'm going to be the local 26 guy.

Hey, what do you do for a living, buddy?

I don't know, but there's too many many blacks on the jets.

What do I do?

I call into Mike and the Mad Dog, and I'm like, Mike, it's not fair.

There's too many blacks on the jets.

We're taping my sword.

Why do they let all the blacks?

Whoa, whoa, this guy hasn't been vetted.

I thought everyone was.

Jeremy, welcome to Mike and the Mad Dog with WFAN.

Okay.

What do you think about this GM?

All right.

What a show.

Thank you, Johnny.

I love baseball.

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