The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Rufat Agayev - Episode 58

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Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

How's it going, guys?

Nick is on location right now.

He's actually working on something pretty cool.

I know I say this all the time.

I should have said that to the audience.

Nick is not working on something pretty cool.

But guys, I am joined.

Actually,

the guest this week on the premium podcast,

he said, you need to have this guy on the show.

Literally.

Sam Talent.

Oh man.

Sam Talent co-sign is a big thing.

This is Rufat.

Say hello to everyone.

Rufat Agaia.

Hey, how's everybody doing?

I feel like you thought too much about your outfit for your first Adam Freelance show.

No, I just wanted to do something a little more spicy.

You know what I mean?

It's like...

I don't know about spicy.

Do you have a tackle vest?

It's the white man bulletproof vest.

Do you have mollys and

zans in there?

Did you ever sell drugs?

I've only done wheat and mushrooms, and I just got little jokes.

You've only done weed or mushrooms and mushrooms?

No, I meant sold them.

Nah, I've never sold drugs.

I got into Christianity way too early in my life.

Really?

You're straight edge?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Pornography.

Evangelism.

Example is pornography.

Oh, that was your one advice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How could you not?

It's tough.

Yeah, I guess so.

I was really into it.

There's no, like,

yeah, there's no stopping.

Do you have you haven't stopped since?

Nah.

I think

trying to.

Yeah, until I can suck my own penis, I don't think I'm going to stop.

That's pretty much what I'm working towards.

Yeah,

Sam was like, yeah, you got to have Rufot.

He said he saw you in Denver opening for Joe Perry, and he's like, he's like, who is this guy?

That's a big cosign, dude.

Sam is a man.

That's a big cosine.

Sam is him, man.

Like when you told me that, I was like...

You're geeked off at that?

I was a little geeked because

he's one of the few people that I like, I watch and I'm like, shit.

Yeah, you know, you covet.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, okay.

And I need to, I need to level up now.

I need to, I need to rid myself of all worldly, you know, fun and activity.

And I need to get no pussy actually until Sam Talent sees me.

Yeah, that makes, I think a lot of the time I'm like, how sad I am that Patrice is dead because he would have loved me.

I would have been his favorite.

I'm pretty sure.

That's every new comedian or like every comedian's worst thing that they could do for their comedy is try to be Patrice O'Neal.

Why is that?

Because

to be Patrice O'Neal, you have to like experience all the things that he experienced.

Life on the inside.

Be shaped like him.

Have the same voice.

There's so many different formulas.

Spiritually, I feel like I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you can't, you just, you ruin yourself.

You try to trying to be him.

Yeah.

You know, spiritually, I think the way I talk about women on stage is pretty much.

I do word for word Patriot Spitz, actually.

You know what?

I got actually called out at the comedy store by Ari Shafir and Joe Rogan for

doing that thing about

how there was an African guy named Kulu in the audience.

I was saying, I hate your name to him.

I was like, Kulu.

Have you heard that bit?

Of course.

That was on like,

I don't know what album it was on, but it was like, it was like, it was a crowd work thing.

Yeah, he went off.

He's the best ever.

He went off.

Dude, it was so.

Mike Racine and I, I think we're in

Nashville.

And they have those like,

it's one of the worst places in America.

It's like.

Really?

Yeah, it's like...

Why did Taylor Swift move there?

She's a racist.

Well, no, it's like New Orleans.

Like, I want to do New Orleans, but like, with less jazz people, you know?

I don't want the jazz people messing up.

You don't want jazz?

No, I think I meant black black folk.

Yeah.

They don't want jazz style people.

So it's like

just the absolute fattest bachelorette parties.

Just like you see these you see these just

fucking Vince Wilforks walking around.

But one of the things they do is they have a tractor trailer and then you just they they literally go on open top tractors

and do do like a booze tractor thing like listening to Get Low by Lil John.

They literally

move these women with farm equipment.

They need industrial farm equipment.

But Racine and I were joking around

about renting one of those out and just the two of us somberly listening to best of Patrice O'Neal on women.

Just like

on the street loud, just using the sound system to listen to Patrice.

To just to elephant in the room or something.

I do want to say, guys, I haven't been on the regular episode in a while, but I so I haven't gotten a chance to plug my tickets for this weekend in Vancouver.

Tomorrow I will be in Vancouver, British Columbia, and I've sold about 11 tickets over

17 shows.

Someone on Twitter was like, What if I buy all the tickets and then don't show up?

And I was like, Yeah.

Oh, he's gonna Drake you.

No, he tried.

No, he

I was like, Yes,

buy all of the tickets who did Drake do that to recent

recent he did it to 50 he did it to 50 cent or 50 cent did it to somebody

50 did it to Jairu and it was like a statement over man yeah they these guys they need to they need to squash I love I love that uh that Milwaukee Bucks halftime show that he did who Jairu was fucking with him what happened he got booed he was just like

He didn't get booed.

It was worse.

He didn't get any.

Have you ever been to Milwaukee?

No, I think we were talking about it.

It is, it is like a.

Joe's a big-time fan.

Really?

What's his favorite?

It's like a.

It's like segregated.

Like, one block you're like in Williamsburg.

The next block, you're in

like Chief Keefe Chicago Wild Hundreds.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't realize it was like that.

I thought it was like beer and Bratwurst and like, whatever, fat people.

Nah.

This is a dick.

Kyle, the guy from the Black Lives Matter, the shooter.

This is a...

Yeah.

What's his name?

Kyle.

Rittenhouse.

Rittenhouse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't need,

I feel bad even saying the name.

That's so

Durham.

I don't care.

I don't say his name.

I don't care what the court says.

Kyle, I'm going to look at the camera.

I think you're a bad boy still.

I think you should have a good time.

I'm going to win it back.

I'm going to redeem myself and give you a deep-cut Milwaukee person, Cuckoo Cow.

Give it up for Cuckoo Cow in my projects.

Who the fuck did that?

You didn't watch BT in the mid-90s?

No, we have an audience of racists.

Oh, okay.

What do you think?

Well,

of course, I know who Cuckoo Pooh is.

Cuckoo Pooh.

Yeah.

Cuckoo Pooh.

In my projects.

I am the Walrus.

He's a

Milwaukee rapper.

He is.

And what does he rap about?

How he's in his projects.

Oh, my word.

You're a former rapper.

But you only rapped about Christ?

No, no, no, no, no.

I did

a whole career for the devil.

I started.

You stopped with Christ rap.

Yeah, I stopped with Christ rap.

what kind of stuff what were your bars like when you were a christian rapper um

they were you know i i here here was my thing i was always like i'm a cri I'm a rapper that's Christian not a Christian rapper yeah I'm a business man I'm not a business man I was trying to be cool you know I was like yeah I was I was trying to infiltrate the world like my big thing was I wanted to like get Kanye saved and then

when it came out Jesus walks No, I know.

You knew he was Christian.

No, but like I wanted to make him like evangelical, like,

you know,

just

how are you going to do that, killer?

Kidnap him, like Borat style.

No, the ending of Borat, I always forget, it's so funny when he puts a sack over Pamela Anderson and he robs.

Okay, so

back in my country, back in that day, that was a problem.

Oh, yeah.

So, so Rufa is also half Armenian, half Azerbaijani, and half.

That ain't white to me.

But that's kind of, it's a beautiful thing.

It's like you're half Palestinian, half Israeli.

They hate each other, right?

They, yeah, but they're, you know, they got similar customs.

And they were.

People forget they were friends.

They were, you know, they lived amongst each other during the USSR, so they weren't always so mean to each other.

But you think as a half-half, you could go to the border and just do your set and maybe just bring.

Why?

Just like you get that.

I'm in a weird place where, like, Azuris get mad at me because, you know, I

or not all Azeris, but they get mad at me because, you know,

I stuck up for, you know, the

Armenians that got displaced during this past thing.

Kim Kardashian is fine ass, like those kind of people.

They ain't all like that, man.

Also, Kim Kardashian's half.

She's not fool.

Oh, so you...

Come on.

You're not trying to claim her?

I'm not saying I'm not trying to.

Jews try to claim someone with one drop.

Who?

Fucking Paul Newman, I think.

He's Armenian?

No, Jewish.

Oh.

He's Armenian.

That'd be cool.

What's your...

What you guys are fighting a war over cell phone kiosks or something?

No,

no.

Have you ever seen that video of, I think they're Armenian dudes that went to join ISIS.

Like they were like LA gangbangers.

I gotta pull it up, dude.

They went to join ISIS.

They were like shooting sideways.

They were like crip walking and shooting sideways.

Wait, Pete, can we pause one second?

I'm sorry, dude.

You got a P?

Or you got it?

It's right here, bro.

That's so embarrassing.

What?

You dropped the

dun terra.

I need my Baba.

I need my Baba.

We have my Baba.

Okay, we're gonna start.

Alright, yeah, I'm gonna find you this video.

Alright, find me the video.

Yeah.

Armenian Isis

LA gang

bangers.

Dude, it's really funny.

I think they're yeah, they're like, we in Syria, homie.

Homie morning.

Fucking

Usante and Amigas right there, homie.

Can I see?

Let me represent myself, homie.

Square for from that Gizo President?

Homie, Son Valley gang, man.

It's fucking wine up from Western Army and Power Gang, homie.

Still, Puro Surreño's putting it down, you know, homie.

And Middle East, homie, in Syria, still gang back.

Yeah, I have nothing to say about it.

I have nothing to say about that because I don't know who, you know, I don't want to

be found.

That's just visibility.

Yeah, no, I'm,

I don't, I have nothing.

Those are the things that

are very cool.

If you get one, if you get one guy,

yeah, I'm not sure.

You're like, okay, we may take it this far.

Like, people where I'm from, like, when they threaten you, they will do it, you know?

We're in Florida?

No, just like from around the Caucasus.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, but we're really far away.

Were they going to come over here?

I mean, they could, man.

Take some shots at some Caucasus.

Take a shot at someone over there.

Who, me?

Yeah.

No, I'm good.

If you have like a village idiot or someone that you don't like, probably over there.

I haven't been there in a while.

Is it Borat style?

That's what Americans think about everywhere that, like, that.

We just assume borat.

They think we're like, but but think about

think about every movie that you see like somebody that's like kind of like that.

They're always like a sex trafficker or they kill John Wick's dog.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

We never could do anything.

Or like not even the main sex trafficker.

They're like one of the first to die.

Exactly.

It's like sex trafficker number two.

They give it to like the like Russian guy.

But then how come you guys don't get any sex trafficking shit?

Because we're doing you guys do it.

Because we're doing it.

You guys are the best at it.

Because we

because we make the movies, you understand?

Oh, yeah.

You get it.

How can you traffic and do the movies?

Well, we're not going to put it in the movie.

We're not going to be like, Little St.

James, the Island, the movie.

That's a little bit too close.

That's a little bit on the nose.

Right?

We're going to be like, oh, yeah, it's the Rufot style, guys.

Yeah, yeah, it's

like John Wick.

I will have sex with your dog.

Let me...

John Wick.

Damn, you might imagine.

John Wick, we have sex with dogs.

He, like, like, you combine John Wick with Taken, and he just sex traffics the dog.

Well, is that his dog is being fucked?

Yeah.

Have you ever seen the movie?

He takes it to, like, little breeding places.

Have you seen the movie?

The Paul Schrader movie where

hardcore

off the Adam Freelanche show.

No, that's.

That's Paul Scheer.

That was a good show.

I loved Human Giant.

I tried the other day to find a sketch from Human Giant.

I could not find it on the internet.

My favorite sketch was when Human Giant was coming out.

Shout out to those guys.

Was when the guy's at SeaWorld and his girlfriend goes up to the tank and they're like, we need one volunteer.

And he's like filming and his girlfriend is like, me.

And then the

shamu gives her a kiss.

And he's like standing there.

He's like.

What the fuck?

And

he's like, I saw you back there with him.

And she's like, it's just a whale.

Like, he's just in a show.

He's like, yeah, whatever.

Like, and then, yeah, he, like, breaks up with his girlfriend.

There's a really funny part where he buys McDonald's fileo fishes and he starts punching the sandwich

because he's because it's a fish sandwich.

It's what?

It's very stupid.

I like the, I like the jingle one.

You know, where the dude tries to act like he knows the jingle to the song, but they're like, oh, you're clearly making this up.

Then they see the, on the commercial.

Basically, I like, I like.

Shout out to MTV's Human Giant, the sketch show with Aziz that launched Aziz and Sorry Script.

Yo, I loved Aziz back then.

I thought Rob Hubel was the star of that show, though.

I always thought that guy was the funniest one.

He was the white guy.

Okay, not bald.

All the fucked-up teeth.

That's Paul Schrayer.

He looked great.

That's Paul Schrader.

Yeah, yeah.

What were we talking about?

Paul Schrader.

Paul Schrader, well, I mean, you're a big fan of the Adam Friedland show.

You would have seen the last episode of the talk show.

Whatever.

I see.

I mean, I've watched every single one.

Are you more of a fresh and fit guy?

I've watched every single one of your Black Sent stand-up sets.

I've watched every single one of your AAVE stand-up sets, and you don't want to watch my beautiful talk show.

My Jewish-style empathetic talk show.

Anyway, that's wild.

Paul Trader is like, he's a filmmaker, but he made this movie about a guy who lives in Wisconsin and his daughter's on a class trip to San Francisco and then she leaves to go fuck and he has to go to to SF to get his daughter back.

Oh, so it's like

artistic.

It's taken but less martial arts.

Taken really took it to the next level because it was like that movie needed martial arts.

Taken took it.

Because that movie was more like, did you fuck my daughter?

That movie was more like

just an angry

man

just getting sad that pornographers are drugging and fucking his daughter.

Oh, yeah.

But yeah, yeah.

Had it had karate.

And she was in San Diego?

San Francisco.

San Francisco.

That's not even a good porn scene.

It's a yeah, but maybe it's a tier B, right?

Maybe.

Well, that's it.

Yeah, I don't know, but

are you big?

You're like an IMDb of porn?

No, I'm just saying it's like Miami and LA are the two big ones.

Who are your top five MCs of porn?

You got Mia Khalifa?

Oh, you took it.

Who are the ghosts?

No, I'm talking about...

You know,

there's like

black porn stars that rapped, though.

So

I'm not good.

I like a yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You gotta follow the guys.

You have to

follow the guys.

You gotta follow the guys.

Not like in no gay stuff, but it's just like you know when the scenes are gonna be good.

Like, I'm a big, like, fan of classic black porn.

Really?

Big fan.

When did black porn introduce the

full naked, but still having Jordans?

It's not always Jordan.

Sometimes it's there's a sneaker, but there's a sneakers aspect to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I just, I never understood the younger.

Taking that community.

Showing your feet is like a sign of weakness.

Really?

You can't show feet.

Thank you.

That's why we have a black guest on the show today.

I'm learning all time.

See, that's why.

Bad time.

Okay.

Yeah.

Is it for grip?

I always thought it was for grip.

So you could hit Baba.

Well, that's.

It's anyway.

So we want to tell you about Babel.

Just speculating about

ebony.

That's a good excuse for speculating about ebony, poor doctor.

Why ebony, too?

It's such a

it's a lovely anyway

the best way to learn a language?

Immersion.

I'll be in.

I'll be in fucking Vancouver, British Columbia this week.

Do they teach you

how to speak stuff?

Yeah, they teach you how to speak stuff.

How much stuff do you know how to speak?

Russian.

Russian.

Just Russian.

Give us a couple bars.

Can you rap in Russian?

Nah.

Yes, this na Adam Friedlanski show.

The Friedlanski show.

Got a leather jacket, Wilson's leather.

Premium grain leather.

Yo, my dad just

married a woman from Russia.

Like, He kind of brought her over here.

She a good woman?

I took them to a baseball game, and she was like, why is there so many Mexicans here?

Come on, man.

Come on.

She can't come over here.

She can't come to my country and say that kind of thing

to

the best people that live here.

I know.

Okay, but if it's not in the cards this year, you can still learn the language.

Okay, pardon the rudeness.

Guys, we want to tell you about Babel.

What's the best way to learn a language?

It's immersion, right?

So you came to America, you were immersed.

Immersed.

Yeah, and you kind of, where were you?

You were in south central Los Angeles.

No, you were in Erie, Pennsylvania, east side.

So you have an Eerie.

Oh, you're on the east side, though.

On the east side.

I was in Los Elizabeth.

I should have known you're east side.

East side of Erie.

So people from Erie, they know.

Guys,

what's the best way to immerse yourself?

It's with Babel, guys.

One in five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list before they die?

Like a bucket list?

That's a sad.

I want to have a threesome.

I want to have a MFF threesome.

I want to learn a new language.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I learned Austrian.

Austrian isn't a language, dog.

It's German.

Come on.

These guys are fucking racist.

You should know that.

I was trying to reach out.

If that's you, make 2024 the year.

You finally check it off the list with Babel.

Fast forward to the end of 2024.

Think of your goals.

What can you do right now to give yourself the best chance of succeeding?

If you learn a new language, you absolutely should get Babel.

Guys,

be a better you in 2024 with Babel.

The science-backed, science-backed.

They got Fauci on it.

The science-backed language learning app that actually works.

Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors.

That's what I would do.

I get a sexy girl from the country.

And I'd fall in love with her.

Nah, don't do that.

Why?

Come on.

But it doesn't matter if we speak the same language because we speak the language of love.

She speaks the language of green card

citizenship.

And she's going to be a little bit more.

And I'm taking her

family over here.

We go shopping.

Because my dad is kind of broke, so she just came over here to face more oppression.

Really?

She came over here for a poor guy?

Yeah.

Damn, she's a real idiot, that girl.

Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language.

I actually got an app that I thought was going to help me speak the language, but I just met a lot of guys to have sex with on it.

Dua Lipa?

No, it was called Grinder.

I thought it was a language app.

I thought these guys were language tutors.

I was paying them thousands of dollars, and I was just getting my ass fucked.

Wow.

That's crazy, Adam.

Pete didn't laugh at it, so then I felt bad.

Now he's laughing.

Where is Nick?

Where is Nick?

Okay, we'll be right back, guys.

Oh, I got to tell you something else after this kind of that I did today.

I feel Nick told me on the phone before this, Nick told me that I am an absolute psycho for doing this, and I thought it was a cool idea.

So I'm going to tell you after this.

Okay.

Guys, let's go to the fucking product code.

Guys,

here's the special.

And it's a limited time deal for our listeners.

Right now, you can get 55% off.

That's a fucking huge deal.

That's crazy.

That's a huge 50%.

They didn't have to add the extra 50%.

As an Armenian

Azerbaijani and a Jew, the 55%.

I mean, that's big.

They have lost their minds.

Right now, you get 55% off your Babel subscription, but only for our listeners at babel.com/slash T-A-F-S.

That's get 55%

off at babble.com/slash T-A-F-S.

That's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash TAFS.

I need that actually for the second one.

Yeah, there's a couple other ones.

So I got an eye exam today.

I've needed one.

Eye exam?

Yeah.

They hit you up with the...

No, no, I just went for the letters.

Things have been fuzzy.

Guess what?

My prescription didn't change.

Just

my lenses

had become cloudy because they were old.

Really?

Yeah, I just too much.

You've been

in the strip clubs.

I just went for the dirty glasses.

I went to the eye doctor for dirty glasses.

I'm an idiot.

First of all, okay.

But I've gotten Google alerts for near me in Brooklyn, an eye doctor named Dr.

Adam Friedland.

So I'm like, next time I go, and I've forgotten a couple times.

I was like, damn, I got to go.

Bro, it's not.

So Nick called me today and I was like,

hey, I'm at the eye doctor.

He said, happy Shavuat, which is the Jewish holiday today that he saw on the calendar.

What is what it was?

He's a real suck up, that guy.

He's been sucking up.

No, but

then I was like, hey, I'm at the eye doctor.

I found an eye doctor named Adam Friedland.

He was like, there's actually,

there's something wrong with you.

It's not that exciting when you meet somebody that's the case.

I'd never met one.

I've met

one.

I've got two father guys.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, back in the...

Oh, here.

You met them here?

They were one to

me back to his apartment.

We had drinks.

Really?

It was cool.

He's like an entertainment lawyer for HBO.

So he's doing a lot of work.

What?

There's a powerful one.

There's a powerful one.

This guy was just an eye doctor.

But then the other one was a spectrum guy.

He came to fix my internet.

I was like, yo.

Oh, I thought he was like autistic.

I was like, yo.

I thought he meant autistic.

He was a Jew, though.

There's a...

We got Jew.

We make the Jews live in the mountains where we're from.

We send them up to the mountains.

That would be awful.

Huh?

That's like the opposite of a Jew.

The mountain?

Yeah, we just...

What am I going to do?

With the winds?

Yeah.

And the eagle ate my wife.

Eagles keep swooping down and eating my children.

On a mountain?

Yeah, we make them go to the mountain.

That's horrible.

You make them go to the mountain.

That is so fucking like...

No, but you know, Azerbaijan.

Is it like 1634 over there?

No, no.

You know, Azerbaijan

gives 40% of Israel's oil is from Azerbaijan and all the and the respect.

Respect.

And guess what?

The weapons that Azerbaijan used, you know, against Armenia were from Israel.

That sounds good.

Sounds it's crazy.

Sounds pretty good.

Yeah.

Well, you got to hear both sides.

And then Iran supports Armenia.

Okay.

It's a whole lot of people.

They're friends with both of them.

That's an Adam-style country.

That's a me-style country.

What?

Just like also being friends with Iran?

No, no, no.

They're not friendly.

Iran supports.

No, I'm saying I'm Azerbaijan.

I suck up to Israel and suck up to Iran.

No, no, no.

Iran doesn't like.

Oh, I thought they were hedging their best.

Armenia.

No, no.

The Adams country is going to go with the winner.

You know, it's like, I'm going to suck up to both of them.

Okay, all right.

Whoever nukes the other one, I'm going to be like, I was rooting for you the whole time.

I was just telling the other guy I was friends with him, but it was bullshit.

It was a lie.

I've been talking shit behind his back this whole time.

That's a my diploma.

That's like Kissinger.

It's kind of a Jewish-style diplomacy.

I think it would be dope if you would be the next prime minister

of Israel?

Yeah.

I don't want to go over there.

They're not funny.

Have you ever seen it?

Have you ever met a funny one?

Have you met one funny Israeli?

I'll go on the record saying this.

I have not met a funny one.

Man, what's the point of being?

Why are you nervous about that?

What's the point of being Jewish if you're not funny?

I used to work.

I used to work.

The army?

Going to the army?

No, no, no, no.

But look, look, look, look.

But that's the opposite.

What they do, what they do, my mother would literally kill me if I went to the American, the United States Army.

We don't go to armies.

But over there, they go to armies, and they're not funny.

Well, I've worked.

It's the opposite.

I was a waiter at this Israeli lady's restaurant, and she was in the IDF, and

I wasn't a good waiter.

I wasn't a good waiter.

But she would be like, see, this is the problem with you, you Americans.

You don't go, they don't force you to go to the army, and that's why you don't have any character.

That's not a jewish thing to say and she didn't know she didn't know i fled a war and i was like how does holding a

song to a child give you character now you're a fucking draft dodger i'm on her side what do you mean played a war me you're a coward

don't tell girls that i was then you ran away i wasn't seven i wasn't a fighting age people in africa fight at people in africa fight at five all the time

you wanted me to be a child soldier that's so crazy it's crazy when you see them wearing couldn't because i was it's crazy when you see them wearing.

My mom was the end, like the end of me.

They're wearing crazy NBA throwbacks.

Like 2001.

They have a Rafer Alston jersey.

Whenever you see

militias in Africa, they got

the clothes that were donated and found their way to Africa.

Yeah, they got a New York Knicks.

They got a meta finals.

They got a meta world peace.

They're wearing a shirt that says World Peace while they're killing someone.

While they're

involved in a bloody child war.

Not funny, actually.

Not funny.

Anyway.

here's my point, okay?

I'm going to go back to this point because I think that this is really a good perspective.

And I don't know if anyone's saying this.

Serving your country.

Overrated?

Just the term.

No offense, Pete.

Well, I guess her thing is like, how can you serve customers in my restaurant if you haven't served?

Serving your country just sounds gay.

What are you going to suck?

You're sucking your country's dick?

Oh, let me serve you.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Thank you for my service, Adam.

What did you do?

He's a Navy SEAL, actually.

Oh, he's a Navy SEAL?

Yeah.

Oh, so he's deep in Doctor Network.

He was...

I don't know if I could say this, but he was

raid on bin Laden.

Did they give you...

Did you ever take LSD?

No, they tried to bait me before they raided on Bin Laden.

He did.

They tried to give him LSD before they raided Bin Laden?

It's so funny they crashed the helicopter on the way to Bin Laden.

One of them transitioned afterwards.

One of the SEAL Team 6

is trans now.

I like when I hear stories about the more obsessed,

not obsessed, oppressed classes or people in our society when they're like on the brink, like they do evil stuff.

One of my favorite things is the Lockheed Martin float at the Pride Parade.

Yeah.

Like that's just a good like

irony.

Anytime the CIA Twitter account says happy Martin Luther King Day or the FBI,

they like killed him.

I live for that.

Can you imagine the bitch ass FBI is like telling your wife that you're getting pussy?

That is such a bitch ass move.

Yeah.

Just let me live, dude.

Yeah.

Just live.

Let me rock.

You really didn't support that statement either.

No, I'm just trying to stand up for Martin Luther King getting pussy.

He deserved it.

He was a great guy.

Yeah, I don't disagree.

You know who else?

You know who they ratted on?

That was clean, though.

Tiger.

Tiger?

FBI told Elon that

he was fucking forced.

Yeah, I think

America does feel threatened by Tiger infiltrating golf courses, right?

I don't know about that.

No, he just acted too much like a good, like, people don't like authenticity.

That's That's what people like.

So Tiger, Tiger, everyone was like, He's such a good guy.

And then we found out that, oh, a rich guy also is getting laid, right?

But like, Mike Tyson never pretended to be a good guy, and he's in the Hangover movies, even though he savagely raped and beat Robin Givens.

But now we're like, oh.

Well, I think he beat.

But I'm not like trying to stand up for, you know.

Mike Tyson?

Rape.

You know, I'm not.

I'm just saying that, like,

society was more willing to forgive Mike Tyson but felt betrayed by Tiger.

And it's because, like, uh, they felt like, oh, you lied to us.

Yeah.

You told us you weren't getting pussy at the Waffle Hut waitress, uh, whatever, parking lot.

Yeah, nah, that, yeah, people, we, we want Tiger was my favorite, dude.

Because we're obsessed with, like, you know, the reality Truman show,

you know.

Good point.

Good point.

Did you say that in your set that Sam Town?

I'm surprised he even liked my stand-up.

He's one of the best, dude.

That's so sick.

I know.

I do think that's really sick.

Because sometimes I do get self-conscious.

I'm like, when people first see me, do they think I'm just like, yo, what's good, everybody?

No, but you're good.

Your jokes are good.

Yeah.

You're great.

This guy's a great writer.

Give me some of your Christian bars, please.

Well,

I don't really remember them.

And the Jews put him up on the cross.

No, it's a Jews' fault.

Well, I did go to the Charlie Ward basketball camp, and he was he was on some anti-Semitic shit was he yeah I mean

everyone is I got Reggie White's autograph.

Yeah, I was do you remember when Reggie White got honored by the Wisconsin like state assembly after he retired and anyway he did something really Christian?

No, he was like he's like

like Asian people they can make a TV out of sticks And he's like Mexicans you could fit like 400 in a house.

And they were like, they were giving him like, like the state of Wisconsin was like, thank you for like all your your sacks for the Packers.

And he was like, white people only care about money.

He was just doing deaf comedy, Jim.

He was just like,

it was like shocking.

It was very funny.

Yeah.

He wanted to be Patrice, bro.

That was his.

It was the Patrice effect.

He wanted to be Patrice.

Yeah, it was the Patrice effect.

We're too skinny to be, you know.

We can't do the Patrice stuff.

It's not about the body.

Although, there's nothing funny about a skinny white guy.

Yeah.

Right.

A fat white guy.

That's hilarious.

Stav, he just looks great.

I got.

You're just ready.

I have a comedian from Las Vegas that I want to show you, but I don't want to.

I was on another podcast before this, and I don't want to, like, you know, I don't want to make the scene hot or make fun of anybody, like, you know, publicly.

I don't want to, like, shame nobody, but I'll remind me to show you afterward.

Was it?

Yeah.

Come on, just do it.

No, I can't, man.

I can't.

I can't.

Why, but you did it on someone else's part.

No, no, no, and we took it off.

We took it off.

You took it off?

Yeah, yeah, we took it off.

It's bad.

Like, that's not my thing.

I don't want to start beefs.

I'm very hateful.

I did a mic once in Vegas when I was first starting stand-up, and there was a guy.

They have this thing, the Star Trek experience,

where you go in and people are dressed like they're on the Enterprise or Kling-Ons or some shit.

And some guy came from his job dressed as an alien, and he was like, Yeah, so,

you know, big deal these days is illegal aliens.

Which ones?

The ones that are for me?

Because I'm an alien.

Oh, yeah.

He was doing all alien jokes.

But I was like, I asked him, I was like, did you put this on for the open mic?

The 5 p.m.

open mic?

And he was like, no, I'm just coming from work at the Star Trek experience.

Living in Vegas must be foul.

I mean, I was just there in high school.

It's pretty.

No, it's like Florida, dude.

It's like Orange County.

Shout out to Tarkanian.

Did all the houses in your neighborhood look the same?

Was it where they like tracked housing?

That's how I grew up.

Where are you talking about in Florida?

Yeah, in Florida.

Nah, in Florida, I lived in a really beautiful neighborhood.

Like, the south side is like a historically black neighborhood because of Jim Crow.

Like, who is he?

Huh?

He was a guy.

Running back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He set the record for rushing

all-American.

All-American.

Yo, Jim Crow.

that boy could run the damn football.

Who was Jim Crow?

Just a lot of red.

I was wondering, was he good in the red line?

Was Jim Crow the white guy or the black guy?

Was it a white guy named Jim Crow or a black guy named Jim Crow?

They say he was made up.

Oh, it's a character.

It's like Larry the Cable guy.

Like they say, like they.

Yeah.

You know, the Larry the Cable guy laws that were a big problem in the South for a long time.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, people had to get her done, and uh

racism getting done.

Yeah,

huh, we got an ad, guys.

You ever try to break a bad habit and it felt like you're climbing Everest in flip-flops?

I know you masturbate a lot.

A lot.

Yeah.

I've tried to style.

Is it a lot, or are you saying it in a stand-up comedy way where it's like you probably beat one time?

I think because

I went through so much trauma, and I have two parents that have been divorced together five times each.

So a total of three times.

Wait, they got back together five times?

No, no, no.

I'm talking about they both got five divorces each.

Oh, okay.

So like I just, I've probably, since I was a young age, I've used masturbation as defluential.

Did you went to all the weddings?

Nah, not all of them.

How many did you go to?

Probably like

a lot of them, they just stopped having weddings after a while.

And they would just, I would show up at the house and be like, oh, you're married now?

Did you have any, like, like,

your dad get any MILFs?

No, because my dad's always been into, like, really young women.

Like, 20 years younger than him, always.

But, like, around your age?

Adult, though?

Adult.

No.

I'm just saying, so a sexy younger stepmom.

Yeah.

Perhaps she gets caught in the dryer.

It wasn't, I hated them.

That's, I think, that's the thing.

Like, I wasn't.

I think you really missed out on, you know.

On, like,

that shit is hack, bro.

So you just saw her.

Oh, you watch, you watch Stepmom Porn and you're like...

This hack.

This is hacking.

It's hack because they don't know the true pain of actually having a young stepmom.

Oh, for me, I watched that because it fulfills a fantasy of where my parents actually did get divorced.

Oh.

Yeah.

You got step parents?

Did you have step parents?

No, unfortunately, they never did.

But

what is wrong my dad brought them

in the past.

Well, my mom's dead now, but uh, and my dad took impeccable care of her at the end of her life, so I was really

my dad would never do that.

That was that was that was a wait, that was actually

no, it was real, but

yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, give it up for his dad.

You were trying to go with the like, what's wrong with them,

but

I would have loved it if my dad brought home one of these MILFs, you know?

Okay.

We got a fume.

Let's cut the.

We got a fume.

So, have you ever tried to break a bad habit and felt like you're climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops?

We know you've tried to.

What's the longest

you've stopped on your bad habit of touching yourself?

When I was a Christian, I once went 30 days.

30 days?

Nothing.

No.

Wow.

Yeah, 30 days.

Till I had a.

But you're not like.

Till I had a wet dream in the middle of a million.

You're not a chronic masturbator.

You're not like on a train in a fucking dust.

No, no.

So you're fine.

You're probably

like religious.

Just don't feel bad about yourself.

You're a beautiful man.

And, you know, we've been there too, Rufot, especially.

And here's a breath of fresh air.

It's fume.

It's not about giving up, it's about switching up.

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He has the fume, he put a flavored core in it, and fume uses

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flavors instead of electronics.

It's not an electronic tool.

Actually, give that a spin too, the wooden part.

It's got a good weight to it, and that's a satisfying noise, right?

It does function in a fidget kind of spinner sense.

Exactly.

And instead of harmful chemicals, they just use delicious flavors.

So what you're doing is you're just flavoring your air, baby.

Flavoring my air.

Imagine like a glade plug-in, but like a

like a blunt.

Like a

like

I'm hitting the glade.

Yeah, exactly.

It's like a glade plug-in, but a blunt and hitting the glade, which is, I think, a sonar is.

Is that allowed?

That's allowed.

I think you can say...

Hitting the glade.

You cannot.

It says do not say that it's a glade plug-in.

You're lying.

That's like a blunt.

They said the owners of fume do not want people to associate with glade plug-in flavored blunts.

The taste, the first time you tried it, you just tried it for the first time.

Was it more flavorful than you thought?

It's good.

It was fresh.

Yes.

And that is the maple pepper flavor, which is like not a flavor that you would even have come up with.

They came up with that for you, and it's maple and pepper

for the first time.

It's like Dr.

Bronner's toothpaste.

You know?

Where it's like, is this working on my teeth?

No, it says

you can't bring up any other brands.

No, they don't like Dr.

Bronner's because it's like, what am I supposed to read this whole fucking bottle?

I thought I crushed, but you were just coughing.

No, no, not the coughing.

No, the coughing is bad.

And also,

the Dr.

Bronner's thing,

I thought that would do better because it's like, you know how they have all those words.

But you weren't listening.

You were just thinking of fucking...

Your brain

was just like, that's a shit I don't like.

I was trying to give you a bunch of your brain was

no, I was trying to give you a good like a snitch and that's that shit I don't like.

I'm not trying to interact with you.

That's just what's happening in your brain.

I'm trying to be a good guy.

Well, you know what's happening in my brain.

Yes.

You know what's happening in my brain.

There goes my hero as I look at you, dude.

And Sam Talon's hero as well.

Okay, guys.

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It's real wood.

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All right.

That was one of the most efficient ad reads we've ever done, right, Pete?

Pete, how does it feel to be watching incompetence on this level?

When you were in the Navy,

the gay one.

When you were in the Navy,

you know,

who's your boss?

The Admiral or something?

No, the Seaman.

So what would your seaman have said about such a herky-jerky Ad-reed?

I'm sure you wouldn't have been happy.

What's the thing?

You got to scrub the deck.

Scrub the poop deck?

No, that's a little on the nose.

Wait, what's the thing at the Naval Academy, you have to climb like a giant cock?

They oil it up and you gotta climb it and it's incredibly gay.

So at the Naval Academy, but what's the first year?

The first years are named what?

The plebes.

The plebes.

The freshmen, they have to climb an oiled, like basically

George Washington module.

Yeah, it's basically just a

phallic.

They have to climb an oiled phallus, and they have to get on each other's shoulders to touch the top.

Damn that.

And that's how you join the fucking Navy.

No, I mean, for real, though, shout out.

More people need to start joining the Coast Guard.

Why is that?

Because it's like they don't really send you to war, they'll just send you to like a little disaster era.

What about the war of man versus shark?

You know,

what about seeing someone

get ate up, get bit up?

You know, did you hear Trump's shark thing this week?

No, no, no, what's Trump's shark thing?

He hates sharks for some reason.

He told Stormy Daniels, he's like, I'd never give money to any organization

that supports sharks.

He hates them.

But he was at a rally and he was like,

he's like, I've often thought of something, probably because of my connection to MIT.

He said it.

Like, as if, you know, like, this is a real intellectual.

Yeah, yeah.

This is a real, like, fucking Schrodinger's cat.

He said, if you were in a boat that was sinking and it had an incredibly powerful battery.

I heard that.

I heard.

Would you, first of all, I heard that.

He thinks that you can electrocute the entire ocean.

And then he's like, he's like, I'd rather the electrocute.

He's like on a Tesla boat, right?

He hates sharks.

He made Stormy Daniels watch Shark Week in the hotel and said how much he hates them.

What's something that you've made women watch?

Like, what's something that you're girls who sopranos?

Yeah.

Sopranos?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Every time.

And I watch it with the girls.

I start dating someone that I haven't seen it.

I go through all of it.

And I'm like, that's what it's, I like, look at her and I'm like, that's what the game is all about.

I'm like, you know,

the whole thing with them?

All 88 hours?

Yeah.

Damn, that's a commitment.

No, no, I mean,

is it your way to like indoctrinate them?

No, I just think it's like,

I mean,

I watch Sex in the City with girlfriends.

I do it.

I do the other way.

I just watched Fleabag with a woman.

Was she a slit?

No, no, no, no.

Was it Flea Bag is the British lady?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Phoebe Bridgers.

Phoebe Bridgers.

Yeah, yeah.

And did it work out?

Are you guys still together?

Yeah, we cool.

You're cool.

We cool.

We like, we're in the, we're in, like, a, maybe, like, a grayish area where we're figuring things out.

Uh, let's figure that.

Let's, let's figure that out right now.

You want to figure this out?

All right, all right.

So she made you watch this fucking girl show.

I got to watch more girl show.

So you already put the work in on that.

Yeah, but

now she's right.

Now she's like, I'm not sure about you.

No, no, no.

I think it's like right now I'm just trying to figure out, you know, with like my heavy touring schedule.

You know, Sam Talent, ever since Sam Talent found out about me, I've been getting a lot more road gigs.

This is big for you.

Yeah, I mean, especially today.

It's big.

Yeah.

It's going to be crazy.

You know, you planned your big closer also after the third ad that we have to sell.

Yeah.

I have.

You have your big closer prepared for the end of the show.

Big closer.

So you told this girl that you're a rambling man.

You can't.

No, I didn't say all that.

I'm just trying to figure out.

I feel like.

How old are you?

36.

I've been in.

I'm 37.

I think at this point.

I've been in some relationships.

I've been in some relationships.

My neighbor said this.

My neighbor's son, who's a gay man,

he told his mother.

She's like,

sentence is so funny.

My neighbor's son, who's a gay guy, was telling me this the other day.

No, he told his mom.

He's like a wise,

like a backer pant style.

Rufot always got a girl.

He always got some woman around.

It's like Brian Fellows, Safari Planet, Tracy Morgan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He always got a guy.

He's like hijacking, hide your wife kind of guy.

Yeah, and I'm kind of gay.

Other kinda.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

And I took that personally.

Like, oh, maybe, like, maybe I don't always need to be like in a relationship.

You know what I mean?

Like, maybe I just need to chill out for a second.

I need to reconnect.

I need to reconnect with myself.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I need to give my Guys, I hope you guys appreciate this.

Oh, because they're all in cells.

I'm going to give you a

price right now.

Why do you have to feel bad about that?

They don't have.

First of all, they're not going to like it.

For that you're like,

that you're like,

why do I always have to have a girl?

Oh, they think that that's.

You're like saying, I'm bragging.

I'm bragging?

Yeah, you're saying, like, oh, I just, I'm bathing in so much puss.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I could be my own woman.

Shut up, Rufot.

It's better.

It's better what?

But then you be with a love.

But you get stuck in these relationships and you don't have any time to breathe in between.

Like, I feel like you're doing more for the person if you take your time.

You know what I mean?

And you don't rush into things.

It's just, it's, you know, this is a good thing.

We should have to have a conversation.

You're 77.

I'm 37.

We have to have a conversation tonight.

Call her right now.

Let me talk to her.

No.

I'll do it for you, dude.

No, it's uncomfortable.

I'll do it for you.

I don't know.

My therapist is teaching me how to communicate and be more open.

I'm very dodgy.

Is it a girl?

Yeah, it's a woman.

I could never.

I thought so too.

I could never, because I can't fully.

No, but my last therapist was a chubby Jewish man.

He was very jolly.

I can't see a Jew either.

And

he turned me into a little bit of a simp, bro.

He was like, oh, these beautiful girls.

Oh, the Goyles.

And it's summertime now, and they're wearing new ass clothes.

Rufat, there are a lot of Goyles in New York City.

Yeah, he made me, he kind of turned me into a simp.

This new, this new.

What wait, how did he turn you into a simp?

Like, because he was like, you have to find yourself.

You have to fall in love.

You have to honor the feminine mystia.

Yeah.

You know, the divine feminine.

Where is this woman therapist?

She's like, nah, your feelings are valid.

What if she's trying to get you not to get with chicks because she's trying to

get stuck in a

dryer?

And say, I can't get out.

My friend, I would not mind a Soprano situation in my life.

Oh, Jennifer Melfie.

Yeah, but a Melfie situation.

So she's, how old is she?

I don't know.

But she is like a little bit older.

Like she'd be like, yeah, you know, back in the days.

Back when I was in the 90s.

Oh, really?

She throws that around.

She's like a back in the day style.

Yeah, yeah.

1993, Golden Erette.

Hip-hop.

Nas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ilmatic.

No, I mean, I can't, if it's a girl, I'm even a little bit going to.

So you think I should just keep hopping into different relationships?

my grandma touched my bicep

last time I saw her and I found myself flexing just even it was my grandma she's 93

like I want to still kind of impro impress girls yeah so I can't fully

even if it's a nasty disgusting old woman not my grandma just someone else my grandma beautiful

batty

no she's 93

I mean yeah she's fire but like was she batty back in the day

no no no oh

Oh, my bad.

I wasn't supposed to say anything.

Okay, I'm just saying.

Sorry.

Sorry, she was a baddie.

Damn.

That's crazy.

I don't know.

How do you answer that question?

Like, you see pictures of them when you were young, and you're like, oh, you know.

Like, I looked at pictures of my grandma and I was like, oh, grandma clap thick.

You would clap it?

Grandma likes the thing.

I saw a picture of her parents, like, young, and it was a handsome man and a big old girl.

And I was like, I was like, that, I was wondering, was that people in your family?

I mean,

she was a strong woman.

But I was wondering if there were different beauty standards or if he just liked it like that.

Oh, an Armenian?

No, I'm not an Armenian, dude.

I was looking at my great-grandparents.

I was your great-grandmother because I know, you know, our women are.

I feel like, yeah, if you have to do farm stuff, you get thick.

You need an oxen.

Yeah, he was going back to the borax stuff.

I feel like

back in the old country,

that was a.

You couldn't go for some art hoe You couldn't go for some some girl on Adderall.

I'm on ketamine.

Shut up.

We have cows that need attending definitely you know and and these eagles keep swooping down and attacking us because you're a Jew in the mountains maybe

no, but I think yeah, so I have to see a guy because then I could tell a guy I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking loser.

But a girl, I'm like, you know,

I'm just trying my best.

See, I have like a much easier time talking about religion.

I can't see a Jew to a

Jew either.

Okay.

No, I get that.

My current guy, he's like 10 years older, and he said he's Catholic.

He said, one of the first sessions, he's like, I noticed you talk about being Jewish a lot.

Stop it.

And he's like, it's never positive.

Yo, it's dead to that shit.

No, he's like,

it's never in a positive light.

And I think a Jew would just be like, yeah, of course, it's terrible to be self-defense.

Yeah, we hate this.

Yeah, but a Gentile is like, oh, yeah, it seems like you, it's always a negative statement about being Jewish.

A Jew would be like, of course.

Yeah.

I wouldn't wish this upon my greatest enemy.

That's what I like.

That's one thing that I like about the Jews is I like the neurosis.

I like the like self-introspection, kind of like the self-hate.

I like that.

That's like the thing that I loved about Jerry West, how much he just was like angry.

He died.

Yeah, it killed him.

Apparently, it really did kill him.

Apparently, he was upset about that show winning time.

He was very upset.

He was one to say.

I don't know if he was actually that big of a dickhead.

He was.

Was he?

Yeah, he had a bad anger problem.

I don't know.

These guys haven't watched sports.

They're only just racist.

They don't know about sports.

They don't know about hip-hop.

They don't know anything.

No.

Just give us some bars from Christian rap.

It's a crisis because men are criseless.

We grab Mike Devices to save the unrighteous.

So you were more like a lyrical song.

Yeah, I was lyrical miracles.

It was like a boom-bap kind of 1990s.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're taking it back.

We definitely taking it back.

Yeah, I was yeah, yeah, I was backpacked.

I was like, I grew up in the backpack generation.

Do you think it was the greatest story ever told?

The story of the Christ?

But isn't that story just told everywhere?

You know what I mean?

But is it the best.

I just don't think it's the best story.

It ain't that good.

Boogie Nights is better than

Jesus.

Some guys.

Ridge Wallet is even better than...

Oh, shit, I love Ridge Wallet.

I can't get enough of this crap.

Or not crap, great products.

This is, yes, Ridge Wallet, they've been big supporters of our show.

Am I allowed to hit the fume while we're doing the Ridge?

Of course.

It's a great product.

Ridge.

No, not condoms.

Are you a Magnum guy?

Me?

I like the Magnums.

Really?

Yeah, back in 1990.

You don't get Magnums now?

Well, I know you're hitting it raw, but I'm just saying, if you were, were you

magnetizing?

You're magnetizing?

I haven't had sex in seventh grade.

What?

Yeah, I was one of the first.

You had sex in seventh grade?

I had sex in fifth grade.

Yeah.

With all the, every single girl.

I believe it.

Dude, I remember in sixth grade, two kids had sex, and I went home and cried.

Because I was like, we're just kids.

I hadn't hit puberty yet.

I was like, why are we now?

We're doing sex.

I was like, I don't even have pubes yet.

Yeah.

Were you tracking it?

Were you tracking the

cycles?

Yeah.

I want to know when I was.

I swear I was tracking my ovulations.

Yeah.

Guys,

I was tracking

whether I had pubes for so long.

Oh my god, I was so late.

I was just clocking it, bro.

I just clocking it.

Full bush, like 10th grade.

But the moment I even got some hairs, I was like, yes.

I was so happy.

I was like, I went back and listened to the whole Slim Shady LP.

I was like,

I got

a hairbrush.

I did a little Lenny Kravitz action with my thing.

I was sagging.

You put a scarf on it?

Yeah, I was at front sagging.

My mom was like, can you put your pubes away?

I was like, sorry, I'm a man.

Tommy Hill figure

briefs?

No,

Kirkland signature.

Let's talk about Ridge, guys.

Jesus Christ.

We're being sloppy with these, aren't we?

Pete.

Pete, don't tell Nick.

And also, everyone watching, don't tell nick and uh come to vancouver this weekend they launched ridge the owners of ridge with the simple belief that we could make wallets better two kickstarters and over 10 years later and over five million wallets later we're still starting every day with that same mentality only now it is to improve all items you carry every day so basically you know the ridge wallet yeah so it's like uh it's basically you know i walk around with a wallet i got the pocket constitution in there you know i got magnums that I've been saving since seventh grade

the last time I smashed.

Ridge wallet can fit some magnums?

No, no.

Ridge wallet's like, come on.

What are you doing with all these receipts?

Go raw.

You got to strip it down to the corner.

That should be the new tagline.

Ridge wallet.

Go raw.

Go raw.

Well, guess what?

Wallets for too long were designed to hold everything.

I had an NDA in my wallet.

I had an NDA for post-smash.

Post-smash.

NDA.

I'm like, I heard famous guys have these with chicks.

And they're like, I don't even know.

Justin Bieber and JB.

I was like, I've done some open mics recently, so I need you to keep this on the low because I'm starting my comedy journey.

So, yeah, I'm going to need you to sign this NDA.

Yeah, you're doing an artist's way.

I'm doing artists' way.

You got to sign the NDA now.

Wallets for too long were designed to hold everything.

Receipts, gift cards, and anything else you can stuff in there.

We turned,

oh, they turned it on its head with their minimalist first approach to design.

Minimalist and design, those are two words.

You're like, that's Apple.

That's Apple.

That's Apple.

That's the iPhone.

That's smart.

Carry less and live more.

The materials.

You cannot build better quality products without quality materials.

So basically, they have these shits out of aluminum, titanium, fucking the terminator of wallets, carbon fiber.

Guys,

but they have more products than just that.

They have backpacks.

I I use the backpack every day the commuter bag

They have a keychain is the backpack flat the backpack is is it just like a gray material that like you could be in a fucking hurricane and your shit won't get wet.

I shouldn't make that as a claim

guys they have items for travel carry-ons

Guys, go to ridgewall.com use promo code TAFS.

You'll get a nice fat little discount and tell them that Adam sent you.

And it's Father's Day.

Get it for your dad.

Get it for your dad.

Get it for your dad.

Get it for your dad.

He's been bringing MILFs around you and you forgot.

You forgot about

to be erotic with them.

I'm just saying, if your dad...

Ridge.com

slash T-A-F-S.

I'm just saying, if your dad, you know, fell short as a father, there's no better way.

Than smashing

the...

Yeah.

I got morals, bro.

I don't know.

I would, I, I, for some weird reason, yeah, it just.

I think he'd respect you.

He respects me?

I think he would respect you.

That would be like

a move.

He'd be like, listen, you're a man now.

You got a full bush.

This is your Azerbaijani bar mitzvah.

You just smashed my mouth.

You know what?

It hurts.

But I'm proud of you.

Has he ever said that before?

No.

You should try.

It's so sad to see you.

Guess what?

Guess who's not going to get caught hanging around you?

Who?

Right?

The MILF.

After you have sex with her in the laundry room.

She's not going to be like, let's dance.

Do you think we have a laundry room?

You come from a different type of class, huh?

You come from the

washing machine and stuff.

Laundry rooms.

It's just the garage.

So I guess, yeah.

In the laundry room slash garage,

there's oil stains on the floor.

She's not gonna wanna be like Rufa Allah's date.

She's gonna be like, Don't tell your fathers.

He told me that he had he told me he had a big he live in Florida.

I when I say when he say Florida, I think Miami.

I have to come to this shit place, P St.

Petersburg.

It's not even like the movie Spring Breaker said it would be.

I thought I meet James Franco.

No.

And he has he has cornrows and puts a gun I put the gun in his mouth and I suck it like he make him suck like penis.

And remember, also Gucci Mane was in that movie.

Loved Gucci Mane in that movie.

And your father,

he's a bomb and I've been flashing puss at you every Thanksgiving.

What the fuck do I have to do?

If anything,

he would respect you for the first time, Rufat.

But instead, I have to flash teeth.

I have to walk in shower watch you masturbate

Why masturbate when you could have all of these mhm

I Win a war before this Nah, she was I was born in Chernobyl before this I have three pussies

I'll let you hit all three holes Rufat.

This is crazy Rufat which one today

my friend's uh brother

when when I was in college when I was in college my friend's brother.

That was more like torture than riffs.

I'm sorry, dude.

That was rude.

It was kind of rude.

Pete was like, haha, so I thought it was kind of right.

Pete liked that.

Pete's killed people.

Pete loves gross battle style naval kind of comedy.

My friend,

his older brother, when we were in college, he came to visit.

And I was like, what do you do?

He's like, I work at the Tyra Banks.

Like, she had a talk show.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She had a show called Tyra.

Fat Suit.

Yeah, yeah.

Class.

And

was like, I was like, is it funny?

He's like, she's a fucking psycho, dude.

But

they had an episode on ladies with someone wrote in and said, I have two pussies, right?

And then came on the show.

It was like, yeah, like the thing about me is that I actually have two vaginas.

And then people started writing into the show.

And

then they had seven ladies with two pussies.

And the intro to the show was like, before you today?

14 pussies.

She said, you have seven women and 14 vaginas.

Do you remember that intro to the show?

Do you remember that thing on that Zach Galifanakis special where he was like

two pussy?

Yeah, it was very funny.

I'm sorry.

I love that.

It's funny.

Yeah.

Fuck you.

Seven women and 14 vaginas.

14 pussies.

She was like so serious.

She was like staring at the camera.

She's a maniac, yo.

She was crazy, Tyra Banks.

She's still.

I would smash.

Any woman.

Any woman.

Any woman.

My stepmom.

If they consensually, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, respectfully.

Would you smash my stepmom?

I don't know what she looks like.

Can I see pics of all five?

No, no, no.

This do have power rankings.

This would have to.

Come on.

You asked me if I would have sex with my grandmother.

I didn't say that.

I just said, was she, you know, like, was she banging, yo?

Like, back in the day.

She's not my taste.

She's rude.

She's rude.

You know what I'm saying?

She's more of the European girls.

She's the European gals, right?

I don't know.

My girlfriend's like

Italian-Irish

Jewish.

She's like New York.

She's New York-style girlfriend.

Yeah, like she was in the movie Kids or whatever.

No, not that style.

More like the movie Manhattan with Woody Allen.

When she was 13.

She was 13?

Oh, okay.

She was dating.

My hero.

No,

what?

Okay.

Nothing.

I was implying that she had an underage relationship with comedy legend Woody Allen.

And I don't, I regret even telling that that making that statement because he's a legend, and he's not.

I don't, I think he's been treated very unfairly.

He's no Tyler Perry.

What the hell are you talking about?

He's no Tyler Perry, bro.

Has Tyler Perry ever made a movie where

called Manhattan where it's black and white and he has a 17-year-old girlfriend?

Bro, he made Homecoming, bro.

He made

the new movie.

I mean, Medea.

He did that movie with Kelly Rowland.

That thing was pretty cool.

I saw Medea goes to jail in the theaters.

Yeah, as you should.

And it was pretty cool.

I used to watch the

sad, actually.

I used to see the play.

You used to get the DVD plays back in the day.

Really?

Oh.

Yeah, they're pretty good.

You're a cultured gentleman.

What were they about?

They were the same thing.

They just were like, they were going in.

They were really singing.

It was more theatrical.

It was like.

It was like way better than Hamilton.

Way better than Hamilton.

I never saw Hamilton, actually.

I don't like hip-hop.

I was at a wedding recently, and there were like kids, like,

you know, going around from table to table.

Like a TikTok wrist party?

It was a wedding between two people that love each other, actually.

But these little kids were like going around.

They're like, hey, can we do our song for you?

And they were like, he was a bastard, bastard, son of a Hamilton.

And I was like, can you get, I don't care.

That's lit.

They were doing Hamilton for us.

Alexander Hamilton.

And I was like, stop it.

You're annoying me.

Yo, they were pranking me, bro.

You're annoying me.

That's like.

Every time I go to one of these, I just remember that he hasn't asked yet.

I feel so single at this.

And now I have to listen to you bastards rap Hamilton to me.

That's your girlfriend.

I'm just a fucking dumb bitch.

Are you gonna?

Are you gonna well,

everyone gets married?

Even the fat ones.

What's wrong with me?

My borderline personality disorder?

My sex problem?

You've dated BD?

Of course you've dated somebody with BPD.

No?

No.

Damn, I have...

I think every girl, right?

Do you think every girl has

97%?

I mean, I'd.

All of them are like...

I wouldn't disagree.

I'm going to fucking crash this car and we're going to die.

We're gonna fucking die.

And you're like, all right, we'll go fucking fucking, we'll go to

we'll go see the fucking that when I was with that Jewish therapist, I remember telling him, I was like, yeah, my girlfriend like spazzed out on me and like hit me.

He's like, that's what goils do.

No, he was like, he was like sometimes you need to check it.

He was like, did he say you need to hit her back?

No, no, no, but he was like, he was like, that's a problem.

Sometimes

you need to slap a bitch.

Sometimes when she's getting out of line.

A therapist could just give the worst advice.

Because it's like, but

it's a communication that's protected by law, right?

Yeah.

So you could just pass all your tests to be a therapist and then just go in and be like,

be like, I think you should,

you know, I think you should like

to kill someone.

Like, if you're a therapist, like, you know they're not smashing.

You know what I mean?

And they're giving you advice?

That's not what I was saying.

That's crazy.

I wasn't saying if they're not getting pussy.

I was saying they could tell you, like, I think I think you should kill your parents.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think they're the source of all your problems, and you should just murder your parents.

And get the life insurance and split it with me.

And then we can go to Florida.

And there's no state tax.

And it's gorgeous this time of year.

Yeah, you got to get away from that.

We're getting nothing out of that.

What?

Out of the act out?

The whole thing.

It's crazy.

Did the act outs a crazy thing?

We got to go from the ad.

Can we start from the ad?

I'm just dying here.

Let's just go.

Let's just...

Can we just...

That felt bad.

What am I talking about?

I think you should be a serial killer.

I think you should.

Oh.

She shouldn't have been wearing that.

No, no, no.

Come on.

No.

Come on.

Come on.

No, no, come on.

Come on.

Pete, this is...

Let him get hard.

Pete, there's like 300,000 people watching this.

So, Rufa, what was that story about you said where you had two cars that were made into one?

Okay, so like my first car that I ever got was back in like in college, and I remember asking like my mom for a car.

So she bought two Honda Preludes,

and she had the

Armenian mechanic kind of like Frankenstein-ish.

She welded together.

Well, he like

one had a crash on one side and one had a crash on the other one?

Well, he didn't weld it, but he like put like he gutted the parts from the inside and put it into the other one.

And I remember being like, uh, driving.

It wasn't like two cars cut in half into one.

That would have been that would have been better.

Like a fucking

I thought this was a way better story now.

I know.

You just did an engine swap?

I was asking him, I was like, you got any crazy stories?

He's like, oh, my stories are pathetic and sad.

And you were like, oh, my mom gave me a car that was two cars.

I was like, that's funny.

You're on the highway.

It splits down the middle.

The love of your life, she gets separated.

You know, she's on the other side.

Falls, you know, and then you're haunted by that the rest of your life.

Falls off a cliff, a Florida-style cliff.

No, it just, it's.

It goes in the Everglades.

Alligator fucks her.

No, the car broke down in Nashville.

That's like a country song.

That is like a country song.

Broke down in Nashville.

My prayer.

Armenian car.

It only drove up to 50 miles per hour.

That's it.

That's about as sad as it could.

Really?

Because Preludes kind of whip a little bit.

No, but it broke down.

So it wouldn't.

If it hit 50, it just would turn right off.

It was bad.

Do you regret listening to Sam Talon about putting me on the show now?

No, you're my friend, dude.

I like just hanging out with you.

Peter will clean this up.

Pete added some auto-tune to it.

All right.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, dude, just

say some rap stuff, and don't don't leave that in where I say say some rap stuff.

Did you meet Kanye when you were a rapper?

You did?

When did you meet him?

We got into, was living in New York, got into this

Mason Martin, or like a Margella for H ⁇ M party.

And it was like in this little.

I love Calabos.

Love it.

I love waiting on the street for a drop.

But it wasn't even a drop.

It was just like the party.

Oh, so you were on the list.

The actual party.

We got in with like a Given Chi intern.

Okay.

Yeah, I was working at American Apparel at that time, $9 an hour.

You know how I do.

They used to have the,

remember high school?

Yeah, I did a wonderful.

The flyest girls were working at American Apparel.

That's my first job.

Sad in retrospect that they were

being forced to alcohol by a

cut that too.

Wait, continue.

Wait, so Kanye was there?

And what you were like, you were like.

You're like, let me get off 12 bars.

Nah, because he was behind like a rope.

He was behind like a little velvet rope.

And he was speaking to that Jewish guy from

Benjamin Netanyahu.

No, not yet.

Fewer.

From Chromeo, from Chromeo.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A-Track's brother.

He was talking to A-Track's brother.

A-Track was his DJ on the road.

I got a crazy,

what's it called?

A DJ story

from kanye too uh but basically he was behind this velvet rope he was talking to him and then all of a sudden a photographer came up to me and this dude and he was like he's a fucking dickhead man he's he's a piece of shit man and i guess kanye kicked the photographer out of the the little velvet area uh because he didn't he asked kanye who he was So you should ask him for, you already have the vest on.

You should have asked him for his camera, get over the rope, and then be like, give me

do 12 bars.

What would you have done as your best bars for Kanye?

Just imagine this is your one chance in life.

It's like Justin Bieber singing for Usher.

I'm already at that one chance in life.

I'm on the Adam Freeland podcast.

Okay, so do it for the audience.

I'm fucking.

This is your mom's spaghetti moment.

Do it for our audience.

These are big hip-hop heads.

They're not hip-hop heads.

They're racist.

No, they were really into the beef.

They said, oh, Drake switched his flow up three times on family matters,

but then Kendrick ended it all.

And then, how do you come back from saying you're a

you can't say 17 is legal in Canada.

That's not, that's not something you can say.

I don't know why I'm giving them a Jewish voice.

Give them your.

This is, Kanye might be watching.

He likes the show.

He likes, he likes the show?

Yeah.

I swear to God.

If he hears this story, it's a really interesting story you just told him.

He might feel bad that you never got to get your bars off.

I don't want to get my bars off.

Rufa, please.

Okay, let me.

I'm going to give you a shook ones type beat.

Okay.

Give me a shook ones type beat and give me like,

I'll freestyle for you.

No, we got to do it.

And you give me like three topics.

No, freestyle for you.

No, we got to do like a Kanye beat.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to do let the beat build instrumental.

This is going to be great.

Let me see if I got raps.

I might have raps.

I might have raps.

I think I got raps.

Okay, we're gonna do instrumental.

Dude, are you ready?

This is okay.

Let's go.

Uh,

yeah, I did write a little rap.

I'm gonna do the little rap.

Alright, alright, yeah.

This goes against everything I stand for, but I'm doing it for the show.

I'm doing it for the show.

Alright.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm I'm a hater, part of the hatriarchy, calculating parsley.

My current state, I'm based in Bossie.

The dog in me, dog.

I turn into the tin man around Tanashi.

Tim, grab the tool, man, and fucking off me.

I'm with Hannah Gatsby and Charles Barkley.

We smoking CBD up in Nerari.

With the Ouija board, trying to talk to Navalny.

Okay.

Wait, Navalny was the guy that got killed by Putin.

He got killed by Putin.

So that's they're going to learn something and

they're going to vibe out of it.

That's not a bad thing.

I just wrote that.

Oh, I thought I was top of the dome.

I thought you were texting.

No, no, no, no.

I thought you were freestyling

with a text going.

I was reading off the phone like Drake, bro.

Well, that's Drake reads off someone else's phone, actually.

Wait, where'd my fume go?

Oh, I'm going to fucking lose it if I don't find my fucking phone.

All right, guys, it's been a great episode.

I'm in Vancouver.

I'm in Vancouver this weekend.

You got anything?

Where's my fume?

You got dates?

I'm in Richmond, Virginia, July July 12th.

Great city.

Yeah.

The funny bone?

Nah, it's this like new place.

Okay.

I think called Super Boom or something like that.

Oh, I've heard of that.

Yeah, yeah, it's going to be fun.

Go check out Roof Oct, guys.

Thanks for joining us.

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