The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Kerryn Feehan - Episode 59

Level up with the new Crypto.com Visa Signature Credit Card.

It works like other credit cards.

Simply swipe, tap, or spend in store and online to earn attractive crypto rewards.

Spend in dollars and earn in crypto with the new Crypto.com Visa Signature Credit Card.

Learn more at crypto.com/slash cards.

Credit card offers are subject to credit approval.

Crypto.com Visa Signature Credit Card Accounts are issued by Commedity Capital Bank pursuant to a license from Visa USA Inc.

Visa is a registered trademark of Visa International Service Association and used under

The guy you were with refused to sit in first class?

You were with a loser.

You were with a real buster.

And he refused to sit in first class?

I did.

I wasn't going to ditch him.

And that relationship worked out?

No.

So they banned Lewis from first class.

What did he do?

I knew it was Lewis.

I know that they took

Lewis like six years ago.

This was very recent.

All right.

It was recent.

It was Lewis.

So you left Lewis in coach.

You're like...

Lewis would have found a way to hurt me if I did that to him.

Not physically, like emotionally.

Thank God.

Can you imagine sitting on a plane and you look over and there's Lewis and he's playing like

pup rescue crossword puzzle on the back of the seat and it stops working and then he starts like losing his mind he starts screaming he's getting mad at like a at like a little like what do you call it like a maze like a kid's maze he wouldn't get mad at the game he would he would feel good about himself that he's he's

dominating this child's game right yeah but then it would stop working it would shut off yeah and he would and then he would have a i can't even picture lewis like in a middle seat yeah

Okay, welcome to the Adam Fleet Show podcast, everybody.

Guys, it's Friday.

Welcome to the Adam Freedom Show podcast.

Karen, say hello.

Hey, everybody.

Thank you for having me.

I have a special to promote.

What is that?

No title, no date, no platform.

Karen, you're looking rather crispy right now.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That's like really mysterious.

You know,

I just saw it.

You name a special Nothing Special.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Norman had the funniest name for a comedy album, a fake one because he said okay comedian.

Yeah, that's good.

That's badass.

I like it.

That's badass.

You were insulting me?

You said I look crispy.

I'm just saying, it's summertime.

Like, Nick and I probably look like ghosts compared to you right now.

Yeah, well, I go outside.

We don't.

We're in a windowless kind of studio.

Yeah, you guys have sun protection on inside right now.

But you're Irish?

Black Irish.

What does that mean?

I think that it means that we were the poor Irish people who were like the serfs that worked out in the fields or that that's that what it means black Irish black Irish means or that we were invaded by the Moors yeah the Spanish there was a Spanish shipwreck

just one yeah these naked wet Spanish men just showed up and then took our women and and they well people were like I don't know what to do with these guys I guess we'll suck them off yeah

I guess we'll suck them off I guess we'll fuck these Spanish and now that's yeah maybe like 25% of the population.

Really?

So that's the tan part.

Yeah.

Because my girlfriend's

complexion, she's half Irish.

She's half Irish, but her complexion is very Irish, and she's terrified of the sun constantly.

Yeah, nobody should be afraid of the sun.

It's really good for you.

Vitamin D.

No, you'll get cancer.

No, you're going to get cancer.

We're all going to get cancer wheat, seed oils, and stuff, but I'd prefer melanoma than any type of gastrointestinal cancer.

It's the good one?

Yeah.

I prefer, I say fuck cancer personally.

Babe again, dork.

What do you mean?

It's good for you.

It's good.

It has stuff.

What?

Stem cells.

You think you're vaping in new cells?

Why do you think I look so young?

I think you're just young.

Because I'm ripping baby candy for

after you get a bad test, you rip it after school.

Vape flavor.

My favorite?

Like

the babiest one.

Bubblegum?

Like mother's breast.

Mother's breast.

Mother, yeah, titty.

Yeah.

Yeah, is that a isn't that like an herb?

Mother's breast, mother's milk, maybe breast of mother's breast of mother,

some breast of mother if you have

cancer and it's like where's your mother you just dab a little on your chest?

I'm gonna get you some breast of mother.

No, you don't need the medicine.

I was laughing the other day.

Who was I laughing with?

Oh, Stephen.

About the idea of like

a homophobic, like kind of new age parent.

You know, like their son's gay, and they're like trying to fix it with like crystals and like burning incense.

We're going to get you some St.

John's warm.

Like,

we can fix this.

Here, quit, you got to try this.

It's colloidal silver.

It tastes like semen.

I feel like that, like, new age parents want to ASON.

That sounds good.

You guys are doing great.

What?

Don't be.

Were your parents hippies no

no

what'd they do uh my dad was in sales my mom's a special ed teacher uh-huh they were just like you know from massachusetts very hardworking what'd he sell my dad yeah people say that they go oh my dad did sales yeah it's like that's such a broad

that could mean anything he was

a lie

yeah he sold the people a lie wow freaking regional politician regional textbooks for colleges so he would travel up and down new England in a day.

My dad would like drive to Maine and back in a day.

And he really loved us.

He wouldn't have any affairs.

He would come home.

You could tell he didn't.

You don't know that.

I don't think he did.

You have no idea.

He cheated on you.

You have no idea.

I'd like to see the documentation on that.

It's also

a textbook salesman.

Who's like fucking that guy?

He's not a Spanish shipwreck.

My dad's like 6'2.

He's very handsome.

He cheated.

He did.

There's two things that either happen.

Either your dad's hot and he cheated on you.

Yeah, okay, he's hot.

Or he's ugly and he's one of the, he's like, I never.

When you're living in a Buick filled with textbooks, filled with math books.

And I always stayed loyal

to my family.

Oh, you know who I'm going to fuck?

That guy sleeping in the parking lot of a red fan.

Surrounded by Algebra.

Willie Lohman.

Yeah, broken man.

I used to, like, I wrote a poem called My Sisyphus or like My Willie Lohman or whatever about my.

It should have been called Breast of the Salesforce.

Yeah, breast.

Breast of my daddy.

When I was in college.

Can we hear it?

Do you have it?

No, it was a long time ago.

Were you a poet in college?

I took a poetry college.

So you were a regular beatnik.

Yes.

In the 60s when I went to college.

And what do your parents think?

You were

trying to shave my armpits.

Throwing crap at the GIs coming back from the war.

Human feces.

So this is sort of the inspiration for your comedy special: your father cheating on your mother.

Right, the trauma.

While driving around.

Yeah.

He had like a big van, though.

Oh, a big van.

Oh, so he could fuck in the back.

Maybe.

He had a bang bus, you're saying.

Yeah.

Your dad.

Actually, both my parents had vans.

Yeah.

Both did a lot of cheating.

A lot of cheating, the folks.

You can get away with a lot in the Toyota Sienna.

For real, though, where is the special coming out?

I don't know yet.

They didn't have a Toyota Sienna.

Did they?

Yeah.

I don't know why.

How old are you?

I'm old.

Oh.

How old is the Toyota Sienna?

Hmm.

Is it that?

I think that's what it was called.

No,

Previa.

Previa is what you're thinking of.

But I think the Sienna was out

like at least 2000.

There was a Sienna.

It's that long ago.

You're telling these stories.

We're probably close to the same age.

I'm imagining the 1950s.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, what the hell is this?

Yeah, Karen's childhood.

I'm sorry.

Don't you mean a horse and buggy?

What do you mean, Toyota Sienna?

How do you know he was cheating if you were to be?

You were busy churning butter.

You mean a Studebaker bear cat?

Of course, an old mobile cutlass supreme.

So you used to go to Lover's Lane?

Pulled up and go,

used to go out to the makeout map.

Non-verbal nurse.

Yeah.

Did you ever get pinned by

get a Letterman jacket from a guy?

No?

No.

By Archie?

What was going on?

They were all getting finger blasted to like finger-popping doo-walk, basically.

They're like, and then he kissed me.

And that's a great song.

Yeah.

And then he kissed me.

And then he pissed on my mess.

And then they they said, you can't.

They said, come on.

Come on, sister.

This is Nashville.

You got to clean it up.

The church is right down the strait.

Who, the Spanish Moors, we're talking like that.

That's exactly a Spanish Moor accent.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

what do you call this place?

I look

you might as well suck me off.

I ain't got no clothes on.

It blew off when the ship

went asunder.

Wow.

So, what's new with you, besides, you know, special?

What's going on?

The fans want to know.

I just watched a pretty good documentary.

Okay.

Tell them you love me.

Pad.

Bad to astronauts.

No.

It's about a woman.

I like guessing.

What?

I want to guess.

Sometimes I just want to guess.

Somebody will say something.

What is it?

I don't know, and I say, let me guess.

I'm often very wrong.

Guessing's fun.

It's one of those pedophile things.

Kind of.

That's half documentaries now are about kids getting molested.

I I don't want to, it's nasty to me.

It's a bummer.

Do you want me to not tell you?

What if it came out that NASA had a big pedophile problem?

With like the monkeys?

But like a movie like Spotlight, but then they're like the astronauts.

Everybody needs, look, how many, you know how hard it is to find a guy that can do math and jump around underwater?

Yeah, he's going to

fucking five guys that are qualified to go to the moon.

You need to find a guy that's very good at water polo and then for some reason also calculus.

And spinning.

That's a big part of it.

That's a big part of being an astronaut is, you know, let's say one of the lights goes on in the spaceship.

How you get it to turn it off?

Probably understanding what you're doing.

Yeah, quantum physics.

Probably getting out the pencil and paper

and doing some long division.

That's the way to solve a problem.

I never understood that, why the astronauts have to be good at math.

Well, that's the whole thing about it.

I think we should be sending bodybuilders up there.

Well, Armageddon, they sent drillers.

I know.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the oil.

They sent real men up there.

Yeah, oil rig guy.

And then people like to point that out like that's a logical inconsistency.

No, like, why didn't they just teach the astronauts how to use the drill?

What, you mean nerds?

Yeah, nerds.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, boy.

I don't know who had a whole...

Have you ever seen one of those guys

with a picture on the wall?

There's no way that they're getting a...

They're drilling a hole into a comet.

They had to put nukes inside of a comet.

That's

the drill.

Yeah.

There's a famous clip of Ben Affleck on the DVD commentary being like, we need our guys up there, not the astronauts.

Yeah, it's very funny.

Bruce Willis's daughter, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nev Campbell.

Yeah.

Liv Tyler.

Liv Tyler.

They're the same.

Same bitch.

The same woman.

Yeah.

Bruce Willis.

Another NASA conspiracy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, NASA made all the same type of bitches.

That was one of their secret projects back in the 50s.

Yeah.

I mean, is that like a thing anymore?

Like, who's NASA bitches?

It's funny they sent one teacher up there and the teacher sucked so bad that she died.

That's how much these teachers suck.

I'm sorry.

You're talking about the Challenger disaster?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

It's a little uncouth.

I thought we were going hard right now

against these freaking teachers.

What's her name?

Sally?

Sally Ride.

Sally Ride.

She's got a ticket.

Did she blow up in the.

She blew up because she tried to give the other guys homework.

No, what's the other one?

Because both, this has happened twice.

There was the Challenger and the Columbia, right?

And it was teachers both times?

I think both times.

Were they asked?

I think Big Bird.

No, they were just regular.

Wasn't there one where they sent Big Bird up and it exploded?

But it's Big Bird.

Anytime they do a gimmick booking.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Anytime someone like,

they have like a nepotism booking.

Yeah.

That lady Sally Ride was, you know.

They sent a lot of monkeys and dogs and stuff.

Well, that's clearly.

They did that first.

Russia sent a dog and we were like, well.

And then they're like, next wrong woman.

Yeah, monkey.

We're going monkey.

It is funny that they went dog, monkey, white man.

Yeah, then broad.

You know, that was kind of woke of them.

So,

if you think about it, yeah, we're low.

Starting at the bottom and working our way up, and you go dog, monkey, white man.

I think that's

well, that speaks a lot to every

other.

It's kind of, you know, NASA in the 60s was like, there's, look, if we send a monkey into space, and then right after that,

a black lady.

I mean, people are going to look at it outside.

The streets are burning.

We can't do that.

They're rioting.

Get Buzz.

What's his name, Buzz Lightyear?

Lightyear.

Neil Hamburger up there.

Neil Hamburger.

Yeah.

Get those guys.

We need Buzz Lightyear.

We know white men are trash.

Let's get them up there with the dogs.

Yeah.

This is one small step for a white man.

One giant leap.

For white mankind.

That was beautiful.

I told my dad, you remember in high school they were like, it's fake.

The moon landing?

That had a moment.

There was like a Fox.

People still say it's fake.

I don't know.

That's nerd.

Fox Primetime, one of their big primetime specials was The Moon Landing was fake.

We found aliens.

They would do conspiracy stuff.

Yeah.

And when I was a kid, I loved that.

When it was like, I would be getting ready for it.

It would be 8 p.m.

You know, I'm like, oh my god.

Fox has it.

This is the world premiere.

They're letting everyone know they found an alien back in the 40s.

And Magic Secrets Revealed was another one.

Yeah, they did a bunch of those.

Yeah.

But just snitching shows.

But yeah, I remember I told my dad, and my dad, like, just tears welled up in his eyes.

And he's like,

if it didn't happen,

I wouldn't want to know.

It was such an amazing part.

It is like a big own of the boomers that they didn't even get to watch that.

Like, if I said that to him, I was like, dad, it's fake.

He'd be like, shut the fuck up.

No, it's not.

They still got to watch the president get killed.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We haven't had shit like that.

Where were you when JFK got shot?

Yeah.

They all know.

Where was your dad?

The book depository?

Yeah.

The book depository.

What was it?

Sepository?

He was at the book depository.

That's actually what they would call his ass.

His dad was actually.

Yeah.

He'd drive around and they'd go, Here comes the book depository.

And then a bunch of hot Tom Finland guys would just go to town.

Yeah.

It's time to return some periodicals.

My dad got hit hit by nuns a lot.

He grew up in South Boston, like Dorchester.

And the nuns were just, they were vicious.

They would walk around the neighborhood, beating everybody up with their rulers.

They did.

They would hit him on the knuckles.

They locked him in a cage once, up on the roof.

My dad was a bad guy.

You go to Catholic school, always describe it like they were in Matilda.

Yeah, they were in Vietnam.

Yeah.

They were in the shit.

They were locked in a cage.

Well, you know, they had that mean teacher.

Yeah, yeah.

You know.

I don't remember.

Yeah, no dinner for you or something.

something and then you get out and you're like billy joel's trying to fuck you immediately billy joel is trying to convince you to suck his dick because you don't want to die or only the good die young yeah yeah so suck this dick

i like to imagine that billy joel that like in that song he's his current age yeah so he's 40 he's 80 million years old

and he's like come on virginia let me since he's talking to a 12 year old don't let me

that's a yeah that's bad.

Yeah, so that song's right.

That's what it is, right?

He's trying to trick a Catholic, young Catholic girl.

Into fucking.

He's trying to sodomize and deflower a young Catholic woman.

How are you inferring sodomy?

That's what I like to infer.

If you listen to that song, it's in the lyrics.

It's regular hymen breakage.

I don't think sodomy is.

I'm seeing unsolved mysteries when you do this song.

Is that a real thing, the hymen?

By the time they realized what the lyrics were about, Billy Joel Joel had already raped 17 more young girls.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Billy Joel,

that's a good impression.

Why'd they give the Hyman Unsolved Mysteries theme song?

It's like, it has such a sick, like, groove.

It reminds me of the X-Files theme song a little.

I mean, they're both, they've both got a similar, right?

But you can, I challenge you to listen to the theme.

I'll be able to differentiate for sure.

I don't remember

and not kind of like get into it.

Yeah, Yeah, get wet.

Yeah, it's got this like, but

I can't do it.

I don't know anything about music.

I want to hear it.

It's just, it's cool.

It gets you going.

You're excited.

I haven't listened to new music in probably 30 years.

Did you ever feel like those shows kind of left you not satisfied, though?

Because they were unsolved.

No, they solve a lot of them.

They go like, oh, by the way, remember that.

Oh, yeah, that's at the end, right?

Bitch that was murdered two weeks ago, we found her.

They throw it up at the end.

this dumb bitch should just want

yeah it's after this you gotta

yeah it's the

it's very miami wise they now do x-files

that was like more like uh yeah that one's kind of like new age what do you call it like uh well music's like kind of atmospheric or space there's music terms for pure moods

there's music terms for it

Are we at 12 minutes?

Okay.

Adam, why don't you?

Are we not supposed to swear until then?

No, we just.

Are you going to do an ad read?

No, Adam, stop this.

Because

you're going to get a copyright thing.

Copyright infringement when we have to do that.

No, it's X-Files.

Today's episode is sponsored by Lucy.

By Lucy.

Guys, here's the deal.

What's your favorite Lucy flavor, Nick?

The apple one.

McDonald's apple pie.

That's a good one.

How about mint?

How about berry citrus?

How about espresso for the Italians?

It's 100% pure nicotine and always tobacco-free.

Available in pouches, gum, and our favorite, breakers.

Do you know about these?

No.

They have these

like snus packs, and you break them, and then you get a fucking blast.

Blast of nicotine.

A blast of some blasts.

More blast.

I think there's more nicotine, but it's also like additional flavor.

It's like a camel crush.

Yeah.

Which we've compared compared it to before, and they have not complained.

So I think that's a big thing.

I think that's legal.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know what?

Because you would think other cigarette companies would have stolen the camel crush idea.

Yeah, why?

Only Camel does it?

Because I think they have a patent on it.

Really?

You have to wait until the patent expires before you can make the same thing.

That's how it kind of all shit works.

They give you, like, they give.

Like, I think patents are supposed to, like, the idea behind them is that one company invents something and then they get get like a 25-year-something like running start on dominating the market on that.

And then afterwards, everybody's supposed to be able to make it.

So the technology is too new.

The crush technology is

unbelievable.

I don't know shit about any of this stuff.

Guys, you can get these breakers, these goddamn breakers, in four milligrams or eight milligrams.

And they have great flavors like berry, citrus, espresso.

The pouches go all the way up to 12 milligrams.

That's for the badass.

That's for fucking

psychos.

I'm going to try out this place.

There's a place you can get B12 shots on 6th Avenue.

I think I'm going to.

You're going to enjoy it.

Get it right in your ass.

I always worry about getting HIV from those places.

Yeah, but if you go to an expensive place, you're fine.

Just don't go to a van.

Anytime I go to the doctor, they're like, we should do blood work.

I'm like, in what?

Fucking give me to who's in the room next door.

I know exactly what you mean, sir.

If you're not a pouch guy or gal, Lucy Gum is available in 246.

And set yourself up with a prescription, milligram, sorry.

And set yourself up with a prescription.

Have Lucy delivered straight to your door.

No more weekly gas station trips.

And I love that.

I'm going to the gas station.

My weekly gas station trips.

I don't care what they say.

It's here to go see my friends.

Yeah.

I can't wait to hang out in the gas station aisle, too.

Watch the game.

Watch the game.

Play Play my numbers.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got banned from all the bars in town, so I kind of just hang out.

Gas station playing kids.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

Next to the beanie babies and the starter floor.

Catch me there, dude.

Catch me there next to the Playboys.

You know, personally, I like to throw in my Lucy during a midday slump, maybe at the golf course or post-coffee.

Get an extra buzz going from that.

So, guys, here's the deal.

Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy.

Go to to lucy.co

slash tafs.

That's just CO, not C-O-M.

And use promo code T-A-F-S to get 20% off your first order.

Lucy offers free shipping and has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind.

That's lucy.co

and use code TAFS to get 20% off and always free shipping.

Guys.

Oh,

and here comes the fine print.

Lucy products are only for adults of legal age,

and

every order is age-verified.

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

Ain't that right?

So, guys, check out Lucy.

It's great.

Thanks, Lucy, for your support of our program.

I love nicotine.

Pussy.

Pussy.

Pussy.

Pussy.

You love nicotine?

It's such a funny way to say it.

Pussy.

Pussy.

Pussy.

I remember

that pornographic actor, Gary Pussy.

Gary Pussy.

I love those Gary Pussy.

Oh my god, 48 hours.

When you see Gary Pussy,

that's Nick Nauty.

Oh, I'm going to kill myself.

I thought it was Gary Pussy.

I cannot live with myself.

I found out my favorite Gary Pussy movie 48 Hours.

He's a very different guy.

my childhood ruin

childhood

ruin I'm gonna waste my money getting those guys into the most expensive therapist in New York City the Home Depot guys just sending day laborers to the most yeah to like a f f f a thousand dollars an hour yeah so Jessica Jewish

Rubenstein

yeah it's just it's just Barbara Streisand she's doing talk therapy now no one knows about this she's did she has her own talk therapy practice, just having to talk to Juan Carlos and Miguel.

Yeah,

why do you think you like Looney Tunes so much?

You're a grown man.

Head to toe, Looney Tunes.

I understand that Tigger is cool, but there's probably something else going on there.

Are you an animaniac?

Yeah.

What is it about

a denim Winnie the Pooh jacket that excites you?

You can't not buy it.

You have to have

your friend for Winnie the Pooh Jack.

Carlos, I think you were molested.

Carlos, Carlos, there's a 100% chance that you've been molested multiple times.

But the big question is,

what is inside the Spider-Man backpack that's the size of half your body?

What's inside that?

Abogado.

I know, tools.

I know there's tools in there, but tools don't take up that much room.

There's got to be something else in that backpack.

And a backpack is kind of a metaphor for the things we carry from our childhood.

Where did you even find a Kmart in New York City to buy the Spider-Man doing a kickflip through flames?

Yeah, kickflip Spider-Man t-shirt.

Where did you go to get that?

Because you must have sought it out.

You know what Freud would say about that?

I Carumba.

I Karumba.

He would say something along those.

Caliente.

Her non.

Let me stop you right there.

I know this is inappropriate, but I feel like I'm in love with you.

And I think we have to stop right here because it's time for me to ride your face with my Jewish pussy.

Jessica Jewish.

I don't know where I am.

I would say they should remake Prince of Tides where the romance starts between Barbara Streisand and Nick Nalty, right?

Like in the beginning of the therapy session.

So he's already dating her and like, you know, being a father figure to her son.

He's like, I was raped by a couple of guys who broke out of a prison.

And then she's like, Never mind.

I think, you know, this thing has run its course.

We can work with this.

Maybe we take a step back from the relationship, perhaps, and you stay away from my son.

But I told him how to throw a football.

God damn it, why can't I?

I was lying.

I was just trying to spend more time with you.

That's what I was doing.

I thought you were Gary Poosie.

I had no idea it was Nick Nulty.

I feel lied to.

You guys do good Strizan.

Oh.

I live it.

Yeah.

Baby.

Yeah.

My mother,

every one of the Jays, moms, like,

that's their hero.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why, though?

What does she do, really?

I don't know.

Does she do anything?

It's so crazy.

Hasn't she, like, won every award?

Isn't she like an egot?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I didn't mention my mother is a gay man.

Oh.

Yeah, she's a 75-year-old gay man, so she loves Streisand.

She loves dabs.

It's kind of great.

Like, they are the most loyal consumer base.

Like, when gay guys decide you're iconic, they'll be with you the rest of your life.

I feel like that kind of gay is dying out, though, right?

The Barbara one?

Yeah, sort of

the lame.

You know what I mean?

I feel like that type of gay has been so co-opted by

straight people in general.

Well, no, there's a shift in the theater fan.

The gay super fan of things.

Well, those guys survived.

Those are the heroes.

They survived the plague and stuff.

And they watched all their friends die.

The real cultural shift in gay, this is a working theory I have, is it shifted from

talking like a Jewish woman to talking like Valley Girl.

Right?

Okay.

Yeah, that's the kind of the and I don't know when that exactly happened, but after Clueless.

It might have been after Clueless.

Do you have a gay guy in your life?

Yeah, my favorite fitness instructor.

And he's like, don't eat.

He's like tough, though.

He's like, don't eat.

He's like from North Carolina.

He's like.

Oh, yeah, they're all John Cena now.

Yes.

He's like fucking jacked farmer gay.

Yeah.

Wait, who's this?

Sorry, my brain just shut off for a while.

That's okay.

Homosexual.

We're like people are talking and they're like, you know, you understand all the words, and then for like just two seconds, it's like,

it's Charlie Brown teacher.

Glendale, California.

Yeah.

Armenians.

The Glendale Gallery.

You got the Galleria.

Great mall.

It's beautiful.

No, I was thinking about you said the Valley Girl thing, and it's like, it's crazy that California shopping.

I mean, that's like a, it's like a, like, culturally a bombshell goes off in the fucking 1980s in that mall.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

The AIDS crisis?

Well, no, the linguistic implications

of

just people, like girls in that mall saying like every 30 seconds.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

And riding the crimson wave.

And then it explodes.

What does that mean?

That's the kind of shit that in a million years will cause wars.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

I think it was probably Fast Times, too.

Yeah.

That propped.

Yeah, but the accent predates Fast Times.

Yeah.

It's Southern California.

No, but it's Glendale Galleria.

That's where they invented it.

They had a Ground Zero.

Ground Zero.

Yeah.

I'm going to start despairing.

I'm going to create a protocols of Elders of Zion for

the girls who hang out at Glendale Galleria or did 30 years ago.

Yeah, those women are now like 65 years old, too, which is crazy to think.

Those girls that were like

going

culture girls.

15 in 1985.

I think you're probably

because she was in your mid-50s.

That's old, though.

Yeah, but that's not.

You see 50-year-old women all the time being like, oh my god, stop.

I love it.

And they're just weathered and they have lots of bangles.

That's the difference.

Yeah, they're just, there's always like shh, shh, shh, shh, just like they fucking sound like somebody trying to steal from a vending machine.

Yeah, they move janitor sneakers.

They move loud.

Yeah.

It's like, is a dog walking behind me?

Yeah.

What was I going to say?

Nothing.

no no no i had something

when you were saying something you were like what are you guys saying and then we started talking about glendale no i want to talk about the morale

it was a worthwhile departure i don't disagree i made my i made that genius point

about like wow dude isn't that crazy we all talk like this now because of fucking just because of some dumb bitch in 1982 i totally paused i grew up with a lot of those guys like orange counties but you got to think if that didn't happen, if that didn't happen.

I grew up in Vegas.

Maybe no Hezbollah.

No, no war at all.

Yeah.

Yeah, no Israel.

Wiped off the map.

Had it not been for that goddamn wall.

That might happen.

The big war is coming, dude.

Oh, my God.

I can't wait to figure out what side I'm going to support.

I'm on the fence.

That's my

goal to war.

We're $80 trillion trillion in debt.

Debt?

Well, they're drafting all the...

Well, so they say that, like, 70% of the men in this country are not fit for the draft, but they're drafting them anyway, right?

What do you mean, not fit?

It's just an age thing.

Physically.

Well, no, I know, but like, they wouldn't be able to do the thing.

Have you seen the people that are conscripting in Ukraine?

They're probably better than us.

I mean, it's like they have radio fucking, like,

like with a slingshot up against.

Yeah, but they're probably in better shape.

They're probably not obese.

I think that's an unfair, crude stereotype about Americans.

It's not unfair.

It's butterfly.

Do we have any butterfingers in the

refrigerator?

Exactly.

In the mini fridge?

I'll have a little bit of it.

Yeah.

You'll have a little bit of butterfingers.

Just a little.

Why not?

You'll let it melt on your tongue.

We got like the you group.

There was like a group.

We had a catered lunch recently.

Whoa, Adam stepped out.

I went to go sit at the table with our friends.

Yeah.

And Adam's seat was the only one available.

I sit down at Adam's seat, and he's like taking, he says, just one falafel, and he's taking, he's eating it with a fork and just taking small bites like it's tiramisu falafel yeah I like to savor you have an eating disorder no you you do no sorry I deflected you projected no you're drunk you're drunk

you're drunk I don't care you're wasting a lot I order butcher boxes you're tearing this family apart

with your false accusation I'm sick of this I'm sick of this crap how many it's called projection grams of protein do you think you get a day

like a healthy amount actually.

I eat really healthy.

Okay.

My diet has been dog shit the last two weeks.

They sell the

goldfish boxes that you can pour.

It's like a giant milk carton.

And so I was pouring it into the cell.

So you pour it into your cereal.

And now I'm ripping the entire.

Now I'm just getting your whole arm.

My arm gets stuck in the mouth part.

And then I have to shake the box of goldfish off my hand.

Like it's a catfish itself?

Yeah, basically.

He's just destroying his apartment.

Yeah, trashing everything.

I've been bringing lamb to the pool.

Lamb?

Yeah.

I've been eating what?

Just in a Tupperware?

Like, I'll get a rack of lamb.

Oh, I make a great rack of lamb.

I do.

Yeah, you're in.

Phenomenal.

He doesn't make anything.

He says he makes stuff.

No, in his apartment, his girlfriend's doing everything.

She's better cooked than me.

Where's the spy?

Nick came over for Hanukkah.

This is one of the most disgusting.

I've said this story on the podcast a million fucking times, but it's not as

goes to make latkes.

Yeah.

And then you get to, you know, you shredded

your potatoes and you fry them.

He drops it.

He's trying to strain it.

Drops the potatoes into this fucking trap in the sink where all the dishwater goes.

Oh, come on.

And then he scoops it out.

No, it dropped into a bowl.

He scoops it out.

He said that to you?

He tried to.

He hates you.

No, it dropped into a bowl.

Okay.

But what was in the bowl?

I was right over his.

Here's the point.

Okay.

I invited Nick to the potato Jewish holiday.

I thought we could share.

I thought we could share it.

I'm like, you're an Irishman.

This is the potato one.

We went over there.

I only went over there to try out the nice Ford Green parking spaces that are free on Hanukkah.

They are nice.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Adam spends

a lot of money on rent.

Sounds like that.

Not that much.

Nice to date a guy to live there right across from the park.

Adam's like, I want people to think I'm a millionaire, dude.

I don't spend that much.

Come Tom was making like $3,000 a month split between three people.

And he was like,

time to get a $17,000 apartment.

I like that about you, man.

I have a benefactor.

Well, Dasha did the same thing.

We were talking about money one time, and she goes, She's always had, like, after you guys broke up, she's always had a nice apartment.

She's ridiculous with money.

I know.

And we were, I was like, I'm not like that.

I know.

I was like having just what I thought was a casual conversation about finances.

And I was like, oh, you just spend everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What about the future?

What's going to happen in the future?

You just keep making more.

No, if she's listening, you got to start thinking about the future.

No, Dasha, you're cool, babe.

Blow it.

Blow it all.

Girl, you got to think about the future.

Buy your dad an Omega watch.

Do you buy your dad things?

Yeah, I got my dad a personal trainer.

I built him a little home gym.

I pay my parents' phone bill.

Oh,

I tried to get my dad to take care of himself.

It's hard.

It doesn't work.

It eventually worked because I guilted him because I started paying for it.

I tried to do that.

I took my dad to a gym.

I'm like, yeah.

I was trying to like, let me buy you a membership.

I'll buy you a membership.

It's so generous.

No, he won't do it.

It's funny, too.

Like, he'll talk about exercise.

And I think I've told this story, too.

But he's like, you know, I mean, I understand.

I remember Tate.

And he'll explain his history of exercise as just going to one

ab workout class once in 1983.

And he's never, like, he's never.

It's actually your transverse abdominals you're going to want to focus on.

And he was trying to like pick up.

And then what he said, he's like, and I went and like, everybody in there seemed like they were already in shape, anyways.

I'm like, oh, this is all a scam.

And he's like, in his mind, people are just in shape, and then they go exercise to lie to everybody.

Yeah, as a brag.

Yeah, to make it seem like, to make it seem like, oh, well,

that's how I have this.

He was probably trying to

spit game at some Let's Get Physical Olivia Newton-Johns style thing.

Song over the tights.

Yeah.

Suzanne Powder.

Yeah, exactly.

Suzanne Summers, too, with the Thigh Master.

I don't even really know what Suzanne Powder is.

I just remember because my grandpa was way fat when I was a kid.

Wait, didn't she have a flat top?

Huh?

My grandpa?

No, Suzanne Powder.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She had like, yes, she had like a flat top.

Because I remember the VHS.

Like, my aunt or something got him a VHS of like thinking my like conservative, fat grandfather was going to like

work your hips

and then turn it off and say the N-word.

Like, like that.

Or just say it at her.

Yeah, but yeah.

But I remember that.

I remember I would look at the box and laugh.

I'd be like, ha ha, this lady looks like Bart Simpson.

Yeah.

She was Jack, too.

She had like big arms.

Tony Gazelle was the other five.

That was the Tony Tail and the Technology.

His infomercial used to make me laugh.

Yes.

He's amazing, that guy.

His life story is awesome, too.

Have you ever read?

No.

Again, another thing I think I've talked about on the podcast.

Years ago, who cares?

But yeah,

he's like had all this fucked up shit happen to him.

He got like hit by a school bus.

And then

while he was like recovering,

while he was recovering, he went to visit a friend and accidentally sat into a bucket of acid.

Stop it.

What type of friend has a bucket of ass?

Was this Roger Rabbit?

He had like a bucket of acid and got severe chemical burns all over his ass and scrod him.

How'd he build his glutes back up?

Well, then, because of the burns, he ended up getting an infection and got spinal meningitis and

went blind.

No, he didn't.

You know what?

He got spinal meningitis, went blind, and then accidentally sat in a bucket of acid.

Oh, that's how obviously that makes way more sense.

Yeah.

Now he was temporarily blind.

Temporarily blind.

Tony Gazzell.

All right, Pete, are we at like.

Okay, let's do it now.

All right, guys, blue chew

um

here's the deal guys

let's talk about sex tony collet and tony gazelle

like you know who my favorite actress is tony gazelle

oh she's amazing uh blue chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as viagra cialis and livitra but in a chewable tablet at a fraction of the cost are you familiar with this product of course does it get do guys disclose or are they hiding?

Disclose?

Are they like, I just need to tell you?

It's like, like, it's HII.

It's like your responsible.

Like, it's unethical to not tell a woman that you had to take a dick pill.

Yeah, like, before we get into it, I just, I just, I've been lying, though.

I had to take a sialis.

I'm juicing.

I think it turns their tongues blue, doesn't it?

No.

It does.

And it tastes like candy.

Yeah.

I had a watch.

It's great candy.

It's great candy.

Also, the ones that are the generic, I don't know what the name for the generic sialis ones are, but they're like, they're good.

They're like one of those drugs I think you're supposed to just take all the time anyways.

For circulation?

Yeah.

It's like a vasodilator.

It's like that.

And what are they called?

Statins

for blood pressure?

I don't know.

Statins, statins?

Yep, sounds good to me.

Stathams.

Jason Stathams.

Jason Stathams.

So, do guys disclose?

Yep.

And what do you say?

Yum?

I say yum.

Give me that blue chew.

Yum.

It's time to get some chew.

I'm going to get that hard dick in me.

Really?

Yep.

That's what girls say?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Make it soft again.

What if a girl takes it?

Is it nice?

I think it turns them.

I've never taken one, but I will, if you want me to.

I think it's good for girls.

It's good for girls.

I remember I watched that.

I think

all it does is act on it.

It doesn't make you horny.

Oh.

It just acts on your

clitoris.

It adds like nitric oxide to your blood.

Okay, so maybe it makes your clit pulse more.

Yeah.

Yeah, it makes all your veins open up.

Have you ever seen that china from WWE's?

She's on Blue Chew?

Well, no, but her clit Taurus was engorged because I think she was on steroids.

Oh.

But I wonder if it works that way with girls in Blue Chew as well.

Because either way.

That's the only one way to find out.

That's what I found out I like.

You're like a big clitted lady.

I like it when it's basically 11, 12 inches.

You can take them anytime, day or night, so you can plan ahead and be ready whenever the opportunity arises.

The process is simple.

Sign up at Blue Chew.com.

Consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days.

That's fucking amazing.

It's changed our lives.

Blue Chew.

I agree.

Really?

What's the best part, guys?

It's done online.

So no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy.

Blue Chew's tablets are made in the USA.

Thank God.

Thank God.

Should we put like a brick,

like a brick pizza oven in here?

Oh my God, that'd be great.

It'd be ready by the end of the pod, maybe.

Yeah, we do a podcast and we make a pizza.

Where does it vent?

Does it need to vent?

I need to vent.

I'm upset.

What's wrong?

I'm just kidding.

So, guys, here's how does it work?

Do you have a podcast, Character?

Yes.

What's it called?

It's called OnlyFians.

Oh, that's nice.

What's that?

Thank you.

But it's also kind of,

it's annoying in the same way that Ian's podcast name is annoying.

Being Ian.

Well, there's all this like it's like a is it called a glissando or like it's

a no idea.

Yeah, well it's like yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Anytime I hear being Ian, it's like somebody's like

gagging the name out.

Being Ian.

Well it's also like if you have a certain death person and you're saying only fians, you could be saying only fans, right?

Like somebody's saying only fans.

Like if you're from California, if you're a British, you're like, I listen to Being Ian.

Yeah.

That's what he's saying.

Picard.

Yeah.

It's Picard's favorite.

Yeah,

one of my favorite podcasts is

Ian McKellen.

The Being Ian podcast.

Being Ian.

The way he's

just so open about his bisexuality.

Yeah, Jordan.

is he's just a monstrosity.

Watching a man destroy himself with ska music and cock disgusting monstrosity.

Revolting.

Every tattoo worse than the last.

The way he just sort of smiled.

The more he smiles, you would think that seeing that, understanding that emotion, would make me feel happy as well, but it's grating.

No.

It makes me want to kill every time I see it.

Every time I see Ian smile, I want to break his neck.

He looks exactly like Chuck E.

Cheese.

You guys could be missing out on the best sex of your life.

So with Blue Chew, men everywhere are excited to see The Postman.

Special delivery.

Special delivery.

I don't understand that reference.

You're excited to see The Postman because he has your pills for your man.

I thought you meant the Kevin Costner movie.

Yeah.

I thought it was like that movie was so.

I thought that was supposed to be some joke that I didn't understand.

No,

every man is excited to see the postman because

when your package has arrived,

your package has arrived.

What happened to Justin Coffee?

He works for FedEx, I think.

Yeah, when you had that joke about working at UPS, he's like, UPS.

Yeah, my official title is Package Handler.

I'm like, come on, guys.

Can't at least be Box Toucher.

Guys, they always say first impressions are important.

What about lasting impressions?

Okay?

There's nothing sexier than confidence, and at Blue Chew, they can help you with that where it counts.

So here's the deal, guys.

We've got a special for our listeners.

Try Blue Chew free with your promo code TAFS at checkout.

Just pay $5 shipping.

That's Blue Chew.com, promo code TAFS, and receive your first month free.

Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.

We thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this podcast.

We love you, Blue Chew.

We love you.

I love you.

Are those

designer sunglasses?

Can I wear them, please?

Your head's probably too big.

It's going to stretch them out, so I'm going to have to say no.

It's my show.

I know it's your show, but they're my sunglasses.

Alright, this is fine.

I don't know.

Do you think his head is wider than mine?

I'm like being serious.

He has a tiny head.

We measured our heads once.

No, until.

Yeah, I'm a bird brain.

Don't put them on over your.

But how am I going to see?

No, no problem.

That's rude, dude.

They're not restricted.

She just said I'm worried your head will stretch my glasses.

Actually, they look pretty cool on you.

Do I look like Kurt Cobain?

I believe you grow up.

No, you look like

an Italian man from the 60s.

You look like you could be a

drug.

No, you know who you look like?

Is in Doctor No,

Dirk Sucklight or Dirk Sucklight.

Nailed it.

What am I saying, Pete?

I don't know about Dirk Sucklight.

No, not the bad guy.

The CIA guy, Felix Light Kuiker.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's his name?

Felix Light Keiko.

I think that's it, Felix Light Leitkiker.

Everything Nick says.

You look like Felix Leitkiker.

Heshy Teschewitz.

Hyman Teschewitz.

Name's Felix Leitkiker.

Mossad.

I mean, S-C-I-A.

It's giving me anxiety.

What?

Because your head's bigger than mine.

It's not that big.

I know, but now I feel like they're going to be loose on my head.

No, they are.

They're looser now.

No, I didn't loosen it.

I've never loosened anything of a garage.

I have an exceptionally tiny head.

Yeah.

All right, whatever.

We want them to be screwed in.

So, how's everyone's Juneteenth?

Do you guys celebrate holidays?

Wall Street

Wall Street not trading on Juneteenth.

Thank God.

Not even baseball campaigns.

That seems wrong.

You know what I mean?

Like, if somehow, like, we had Juneteenth, and like, let's say we reached a ceasefire with the South, right?

And they still had slavery in the South.

And then the North, Juneteenth, was a holiday because that's when we got rid of the North, North, right?

Like, this is as Wall Street taking off Juneteenth is as close as you get to the current modern-day slave owners in the South being like, well, I'm not working today.

It's Juneteenth.

Enjoy my lemonade.

Federal holiday.

It would be disrespectful.

Listen, these people have been through a lot.

I mean, there was a lot of hypocrisy going on.

Let's hear about this.

I'm taking the day.

That's what I mean.

But, like, even the lifeguards at my pool are black.

Everybody in the building had off, but they still had to work.

Yeah.

It's a lot of hypocrisy.

That's what I mean.

I know.

Wall Street shouldn't be taking the day off if there are any black people still working on.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Because all of them

took off.

There's plenty of black people that work on Wall Street.

But

come on.

They have other jobs, too, that they still had to work that day.

It's fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They should have at least got time and a half or something.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Juneteenth bonus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

When did it start?

Like two years ago or something.

It did, right?

There's no people that were like, yeah, you know, like, I was a Juneteenth guy for a long time, like, welcome, but like, there's no one like a hipster about it, no?

No.

No.

Who made it a thing?

Trump?

Two years ago?

No, I think Obama was into it, right?

That was after George Floyd.

After George Floyd.

Oh.

They were like, this one doesn't work again.

And so Trump was like, after what happened to George?

We had, honestly, I'll be honest with you, we had an amazing run with alternate side street suspensions the last

weekend.

No, not in the last couple weeks.

Oh, we had June 15th.

We had a lot.

Then it was Aid.

Then it was June 15th.

What's AID?

Aid

Ramadan.

I thought it was Eid.

It's Aid.

Okay.

No,

he's doing an Egyptian pronunciation.

You're doing a Syrian.

I am?

Yeah, classic.

Classic mistake.

What the hell is going on in Syria?

I don't know.

What is going on?

How is Assad still there?

And we're not like...

But also, he's still wearing suits and just walking around, and we've been trying to kill him for like

10 years now.

The lion of Damascus.

He is the absolute goat.

The man has survived.

I mean,

for like 30 years, we've been trying to kill this guy.

Why can't we get him?

Do you remember that his iTunes top-played songs leaked?

And LMFAO, I'm Sexy, and I know it was number one.

That has to be fake.

I'm choosing to believe it's real.

I mean, the funny thing is, is that people in the middle, like, that could be the thing that makes peace between

the Palestinians and the Jews.

Because they're both LMFAO style.

That's done.

It's not going to happen.

I'm just saying, if next five years, one of them's dead.

It's just.

I'm just saying if they if LMFAO went to Gaza and did the biggest concert ever, did shots, shots, shots, shots.

You don't think Hamas

Hamas loves that.

And so do Israelis.

Yeah, they're good.

If Imagine Dragons win,

you'd like

to now Europe speaking my language.

Really?

I like that guy.

He's hot.

It has to be that has to be the gayest name for a band ever.

Imagine Dragon.

Imagine.

Dragon.

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

It sounds like a Disney movie, but that guy's hot.

Really?

Mumford and Sons is a pretty stupid name.

You know, he makes all the other guys call him Dad?

You've made that joke so many times.

Like, I mean...

The fourth wall crumbling.

It's about four times I've done it.

The last two times has been like, stop it.

Just say it to her.

Don't say it to me like I'm supposed to be.

You know, Mumford.

You know.

you know.

I take everything you say seriously.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

You know that he makes everyone else call him daddy.

Dad or daddy?

Yeah.

It's an abusive

father Mumford.

No, they're like daddy.

Like

you think there's an adult man who still calls his dad daddy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who?

In finance?

Who knows?

No, come on.

Who cares?

Yeah, Karen.

No, but I know there are.

Like a guy that's like, yeah, Karen and I took the kids up to the lakes to stay.

My daddy.

My daddies.

Yeah.

My daddies.

Yeah, every Mormon man, probably.

They say daddy?

I think so, yeah.

Because daddy girl, they're adult daddy women.

They're like, daddy.

Did you say gay men?

I said Mormons.

Oh.

I think gay men might call their dad daddy.

Mitt Robbie says daddy still.

Yeah.

Every man in the south.

My daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My daddy did.

Oh, I guess no country for old men.

All black guys?

Yeah, I was seeing that.

I don't know, actually.

Yeah, old daddy.

Do they say that?

Yeah.

Yeah, my dad, my dad.

No, that's daddy O, I believe.

No.

They say that kind of thing.

In New York, they say father, and then

it's like they have a very specific.

With the black community?

The black New York accent when they say father, it's always my father.

They always say it like that, right?

I don't know.

My father.

I've never picked up on it.

Yeah,

it's like one of those words where it's like the pronunciation seems like it's from like way back.

Yeah, it's like Boston Brom.

Right.

Yeah.

It's like old school.

It's like from the pilgrims.

Occasionally you'll like hear, I feel like in New York, bio people say one word that's like, what is that from the 1600s?

The way they say it.

I think they just mush words together sometimes.

All right, let's not go there.

Okay.

Fall.

It's not that kind of podcast.

No.

I think it's more more just like a lack of subject-verb agreement sometimes.

I don't even know what that means.

It's like we be in here.

But that's a habitual bee.

They have a name for that.

Oh.

Habitual B.

Yeah, you ever see that?

Yeah, is that?

That's what they call that.

It's a good use of the word.

B.

Habitual B?

That's what they call that.

The black version of B is called a habitual B.

It sounds like a conscious style of lyrical rapper.

Habitual B.

Yeah, yeah.

It's when you use the word B to describe a persistent state of something or like a pattern.

Like women be shopping.

Women B shopping.

That is true.

No,

we have a tendency to shop.

Yeah.

Or women too.

It's imprecise.

It's stupid.

Yeah.

I don't care.

B,

we should be able to take that.

I think that's on the table.

We'd be podcasting.

Yeah, we'd be podcasting.

We just everyone just took Juneteenth seriously for two years.

B should be on the table.

We're not going to go to the, we're not going to ask for too much.

We can't get greedy.

But B is fine.

You know, y'all,

I guess Southerners.

Southerners have had y'all for a while.

Florida has y'all.

Everybody in Florida says y'all.

Ow.

How about Juneteenth?

I hear that all the time, too.

We're getting into the days.

You think about big teeth?

Just a guy with huge teeth.

He's like, Finally, a holiday for me.

They're like, no, Gary Poosie.

It's about slavery ending.

And he's like, oh, I guess I'll just fucking kill myself.

Ron White.

Did you do anything to celebrate it?

We're doing June.

Yeah, I watched.

Well, I went to the pool in my building, but I watched that documentary that I wanted to tell you guys.

Oh, yeah, tell us, please.

It's called Tell Them You Love Me.

And it's about the astronauts.

No.

No, it's about pedophil.

No.

Wouldn't it be crazy if NASA had a big pedophile problem?

Can you imagine that?

That would be funny.

Wait, tell us about it.

Have you guys heard of facilitating communication for non-verbal people?

Of course.

What the fuck is that?

Like, you've probably seen it.

Sounds like some girl stuff, dude.

No, you probably communication.

Like, say somebody has, like, severe, like, cerebral palsy or, like, something, they're, like, non-verbal, and, like, their, like, facilitator will help them, like, push the buttons on a keyboard.

Or, like, Annie Sullivan.

Yeah.

So, this one.

that's pretty much what she did.

I almost called

who's a blind deaf girl?

Helen Keller.

I almost called her Harrison Ford.

Your brain is your brain's mush.

You're done.

You know that lady.

Anyone's seen my car cage.

You know that lady from Star Wars?

I couldn't tell.

So this woman was convicted of molesting.

You know what said.

You know the irony of that?

I knew it was a molest.

It's always a molest.

Sounds like Helen Keller?

Kill.

Chewbacca.

And that's why he's the king, folks.

That's why he's the fucking king, those guys.

See, you guys think you say, oh, that's your brain breaking down.

No, that's meaning.

There's a joke there somewhere, and your mind's working on it.

And it's like, here's a riborette.

And now, so now it creates these bridges to other worlds where anything is possible.

I appreciate that.

I'm not entering early stage dementia.

There are no plaques in my brain.

The only plaque in here is the one on the wall that says never stop dreaming.

Yeah, and we have a JD power.

Never stop dreaming, and also no Ians allowed.

No Ians.

No Ians.

No black Ians, no white Ians.

So this lady was molested these sick people.

Well, here's the thing.

Why do girls like this stuff?

Girls are always

found this fascinating.

Why is it fascinating?

It's horrible.

The concept of.

Don't you like it when things are nice?

Shut up, bitch.

You watch that shit also.

I don't watch that.

Everybody likes it.

No, I watch sports.

Really?

What sports?

I don't like watching.

You watch Pickleball a lot.

Did you watch The Jinx?

No.

Yeah.

Yes, you did.

I didn't watch it.

I listened to Serial when I was moving

10 years ago.

Okay.

That's the most true crime I've done.

Oh, I did America Murder.

Oh, that was so true.

The Stephen.

The Renox.

God, I have to turn away.

Can you

smell my crotch?

Well, when you just brought it up,

is that what it is?

I feel, I'm so embarrassed.

Yeah, I'm chafing.

Is it chafing?

It's chafing, and I'm like, I think the skin is rotting

because I got gained like 20 pounds.

Let's do some aquaphor down there, maybe.

Well, I didn't know.

I was.

Huh?

No, gold barn is bad.

No, I got, yeah, I put lotion on it.

Pete sounds well-versed in chafing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I chafe all the time.

Okay, the thing with the facilitator communicators, they did these experiments.

They would show the facilitator a picture, and then they would show the nonverbal person a picture.

And then the non-verbal person would type the picture that the facilitator saw, which is like.

Oh, mind meld?

No, like empty mind, and the facilitator is just like guessing what they're thinking.

Like, they're just right, like, there's no thought going on.

But this specific guy, shut up, Nick.

This specific guy.

Sounds interesting.

No, I want to hear.

Why a fucking child?

He took a college course, and he read a book that the facilitator did not read and he wrote an essay on it.

So that makes me think like he did have a brain.

And the lady said he seduced her with his words.

But he also had sores on his back for her raping.

Wait,

the disabled guy molested the facilitator?

No, the facilitator raped and went to jail.

Oh, okay.

He's been a raper.

He's like, he's like, so what's the surprise twist?

Yeah, there's no twist.

It sounds like there's no twist.

It sounds like it's just awful.

No, she wasn't handicapped.

And then it gets to the last episode of the documentary series, and they're like, and that was awesome.

Yeah.

That's awesome that that happened.

His mom, the non-verbal guy's mom, was really mad

that she was like,

I was changing his diaper, and I could tell that he got raped.

Wait, it was a little kid?

Oh, no, it was a guy with a diaper.

And you felt good after?

How could she tell?

Because it was replaced with a thong?

This isn't a diaper?

What

sparkly thong?

What the hell happened to my non-verbal adult son?

Because the lady was so like, yeah,

like he used to be.

And you're like, are you fucking crazy?

Is she hot?

She was like a six.

She was like disabled.

Not guilty.

Now I'm listening.

Why didn't you start with that case on the diagonal?

You're saying that a six did that?

Yeah.

All right.

That's in play.

All right.

A six felt someone a little bit above mid.

Well, that's what I wonder if.

That is my dream to be a non-verbal

bediapered

invalid.

You really told that story the wrong way.

It should be called the man's dream.

Yeah.

Should be like

the coolest guy ever.

The name of the documentary.

But imagine, like, she's holding his hand and he's like typing out, I want to make sure you're on your breast.

I bet she is.

Yeah.

But is she saying that or is she thinking that?

Oh, it's like a Ouija board kind of thing.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

I Ouija would.

I Ouija would.

I Ouija motherfucker would.

Like an airplane.

I Ouija would.

She peeled and got out.

Thank God.

So she's out.

Thank God.

Oh, she left her family for the guy.

She not on my birthday.

She left her husband.

She was married with kids.

That guy.

What?

That guy.

The husband.

What?

That husband, he's got to be.

That's got to hurt.

Right.

Yeah.

Then the husband does it to get revenge and he does four million years in prison.

Yeah.

He's like, oh, so if you're going to do it, then I'll do it too.

I'll find the non-verbal girl

and being executed by knives.

Stoned to death.

We're turning into a giant blender.

That's a two-tier justice system for you, folks.

Suicide violence.

That's why we're out of here.

That's why we're marching.

Okay?

Because a woman

is allowed to rape a mentally disabled person, but suddenly when a man does it, now it's a big problem.

No one's saying this.

No one's saying this.

Now it's a big problem.

Yeah.

Why?

What's the difference?

Because this goddamn Me Too situation.

Can you

explain the difference to me?

I can't.

This lady is a puppeteer for people that can't move.

I can't see a difference.

Maybe I'm dumb.

Maybe I'm an idiot.

Weren't you ladies?

Or Or maybe a brash.

There's a double standard in America.

There's no marches for that.

There's no marches for the man that rapes a menu to see.

After his wife.

After his wife started it.

Yeah.

She totally started it.

This is Tucker wearing jeans, denim shirt, denim tie.

This is Tucker on Apple.

I love his podcasting look.

It's insane.

Because he has a breakout show, and then he has a Western side.

Now I'm just chilling out at home in my sauna that's also a podcast studio.

In his vineyard vines.

Yes, dressed like a drunk person trying to remember Tool Time.

He looks like he's always on Nantucket.

I got to get on that show.

You'll do it.

You'll have to show with him.

Manifest it.

What is Manifest?

I'm sick of this Manifest.

What Manifest It is.

I feel like I would be disappointed if I went to Nantucket because I'd be thinking about the Pepperidge Farm cookies.

Any one of those places, Tahoe.

They are really good.

Tahoe, I don't think I could ever go to.

Milano, I definitely couldn't go to.

Oh, my God.

I ate too many Milanos on a Christmas one time, and I vomited, and I haven't been back.

Yeah, that's what did it.

The Milano cookies.

What do you think it was?

The buckets of cum I had before?

No, I was thinking

you were talking about.

You had cum with your family there?

Yeah, I was dunking them in cum.

Your grandfather, he's a veteran.

He's dead.

In front of him.

He's dead.

He killed himself after he saw you drink that KFC bucket full of cookies.

He survived Omaha Beach, but he couldn't survive that.

The man is a goddamn hero.

It's like a finished toilet paper roll is a straw.

He liberated Europe.

What is that noise?

My God.

Is the sump empty?

What is that noise?

Oh, no.

Karen's drinking a bucket of KFC.

Karen and her cum again.

Her nightly cum.

Remember that

Rod Stewart?

Yeah, it's the best.

You remember that?

What?

So there's a whole like

Prince had his rib removed to suck his own dick.

That became Marilyn Mitchell.

I think it was Marilyn Mitsubishi.

Nah, it depends on, I think, like, how old you are.

You are.

Yeah, because Gen X, for Gen X, it's

Prince.

For us, it's

Marilyn Manson.

Then there's the other one.

Then Richard Gere puts mice in his asshole.

Mice in his asshole.

Yeah, and then

Rod Stewart was at a party and drank two liters of cum.

He OD'd and they had to pump his stomach.

and they said it was two liters of cum.

They said that two liters of semen were in Rod's.

Which is like too much.

Yeah, and I did the math on it at one time, and I like it.

Like double dare challenge, like the whole curve.

It was something like 7,000 men.

Yeah, it's way more than all how to get their cum in one.

It's way more than you think.

Like, can you imagine?

I mean, that would have to be like an event.

Was he trying to cure his throat?

Huh?

Was he trying to, like,

I think he was trying to be forever young.

Oh,

like that guy who keeps injecting his kid's blood.

Who keeps drinking his own son's blood.

I think that's like

that is like there's so.

It doesn't even look that good to me.

I don't understand.

This is how fucked up things are, right?

If you're poor and you like...

Harvest your kid's blood.

You cut your son,

you go to prison for child abuse.

Straight to jail.

You go to prison for child abuse.

Yeah, but if you're absolutely right.

If you're a rich man and you extract it with needles to inject into yourself and then make him talk about it, pose nude with you in the news.

Totally.

People are like, is this guy good or bad?

Right.

But if you just want to suck on your kid's arm, get some fresh DNA, you're abusive.

If you talk about it on a podcast, then

it's not cutting your turn.

Unrelated, but I watched Amadeus again yesterday.

Man, that movie is so good.

It's such

a good thing.

I haven't seen it in a while.

It's just about a guy that's just a bitch, dude.

Salieri?

Yeah,

he's just a piece of shit.

It has nothing.

The movie has nothing to do with Mozart.

No, it's about a guy.

Yeah, just a pussy.

And then they use a guy who, like, it's also just completely fictional.

It's sort of like a libel against the actual Salieri.

But they just imagine this world.

They picked a composer and said, what if this guy just fucking was just a c ⁇ to Mozart?

Just a player hater.

Yeah, and he just didn't like him because he's like, wow, this guy's goofy.

I'm going to hate, I'm going to kill him.

Yeah.

Because he was goofy.

He was acting too goofy.

Like Harvey Milk or whatever.

Yeah, that's what a lot of gay guys acting.

Be acting kind of goofy.

They do be.

No,

there's a scene right where he's going through the sheet music and the no mistakes part.

And

I kind of sometimes identify with that.

Yeah.

I was like, yeah, if you see some actionist.

No,

I wish I I'd ever done anything that's perfect.

Yeah, I feel like a freaking eraser white-out guy.

Yeah, it's fine.

You know, a lot of us bring a backpack with us.

I did.

Spider-Man skateboarding backpack that's filled with all the molestation.

But you wouldn't really be comparable to Solieri.

Oh, because he at least made

something.

It's more like, yeah.

It's the spirit.

It's the F.

Murray Abraham.

People whose work you're reading is Solieri's, and you're like one of the mentally disabled people in the insane asylum at the end.

No, I'm more of like a unit.

You're that guy in the Sienna Boys Choir.

The guy that's in the straitjacket in the end,

saying, I absolve you.

That's you.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll take it.

As long as I'm in the movie.

Yeah, you're going to get a credit.

The ending of that movie is amazing.

It is incredible.

It's just the priest speechless, and he's like, you don't have to say anything.

I love that movie.

Let me just take him to line.

Who made that movie?

Milos Foreman.

Yeah, that's right.

The Man on the Moon guy.

I love that movie.

Man on the Moon?

Yeah, Jim Carrey.

That's good.

It's not as good as Ace Manjura.

I love Ace Matura.

I also love Liar Liar.

That's such a good movie.

For this, you'll pay a terrible price.

That would suck if I couldn't lie anymore.

It's one of my favorite pastimes.

Yeah, I lie a lot.

I've been lying on stage about how much I can bench press.

Have you?

Yep.

What do you you say?

What is a real number versus what you're going through?

I can probably bench press around like s

like with a barbell,

probably like 70, 75.

And I've been seeing like 85.

Is that how you do it too?

Yeah, I do.

So your lie is 10 pounds.

Your lie is 10 pounds?

Yeah, I see it more as like I will eventually bench press that much.

So I might as well.

Are they having you doing bench pressing in the alpha classes?

Oh, that's surprising.

I thought it was all like.

We do Olympic lifts.

I'm working on my split jerk.

That's not an Olympic lift.

No, that one isn't.

But I'm working on my split jerk and my hand clean.

Mm-hmm.

And the other ones, my deadlifts.

These are good.

I can deadlift like 155, 160.

This is how we should have started.

Right?

Yeah.

Talking numbers.

Nick's one of the strongest people I know.

I know.

Yeah.

In more ways than one.

Yeah.

That's really sweet.

That's nice that you guys say that stuff to each other.

Front bench 575 Raw.

Shut the fuck up.

Raw.

Yeah.

575 Raw.

Shut up.

No spot.

685 with a slingshot

in a bench shirt.

If you have your right shirt.

1300 and 15 pounds.

With you with your special shirt.

Yeah.

A special bench shirt.

In a bench shirt, yeah.

Yeah.

And I would need to buy those like red shirts.

Add wrist wraps.

Right.

We're talking 1375

smelling salts.

Now we're at 1580.

We're different.

We're up in the 1500s.

I put a weightlifting belt on.

Yep.

Now, yeah, we're at

about 1730

kilos.

Yeah, I was going to ask, are we pounds?

Are we doing that?

And keep in mind, too, the numbers I've quoted so far are completely nude from the waist down.

Excellent.

I put pants on.

You're going to get a little bit more distance from the bench.

Right.

What are you thrusting?

What's that?

What are you thrusting?

Oh, hip thrust.

Yeah.

I don't do those.

No, it's gay.

It's gay.

Hip thrusts are gay.

It's like, what are you doing, brother?

What are you bore at in the gym?

Women, you're supposed to be hip thrusters.

No, that's all the exercise i do i basically i do a different type of uh box squats where instead of a box i use uh uh one of those dildos

yeah yeah yeah that that attaches and i don't sit down on it i go i go to depth okay so that the tip of the penis just barely touches my ankle okay okay and then i and then i on the way up

and then it's it just it triggers something just primal in me

yeah something man survival comes out and i'm back up

I'm back up.

I broke my hand doing a box jump because I punched it, and I have a screw here right now in this bone.

That happened to you in your alpha classes?

Yeah.

I should be able to sue them, right?

Yeah, 100%.

That happened so long ago.

It happened like last April.

Especially because it's not like

one of these things where they'll just be like, hey, come take a class.

It's not like something you sought out.

You went to the gym to just like walk around,

put on the expensive clothes you bought.

You weren't fucked the instructor.

I was really into that.

And then you found out I was a gay guy?

John Cena?

I actually did end up fucking him, but I was trying to be cute.

When I did the box shop, I like shut my eyes.

I was doing like a really cute little stance, and that's when I fucking broke my hand.

I like going to Lifetime.

I love chatting folks up in the sauna.

I bet you do.

I got yelled at in the sauna for being naked by this black woman.

I talked about this on my podcast.

She came in.

Well, you have the N-word tattooed on your ass.

For sure.

Who doesn't?

I don't.

Oh, I

would never get get a tattoo.

Got the staff involved, came in.

This other woman brought me an extra towel.

Now, mind you, I have a very small vagina and thick thighs.

So when I'm lying flat like this, you can't see my vagina.

She had to like come up, look, and like become disgusted.

She's like, this is so weird.

You're so weird.

A lady peeped on your pussy.

She saw my pussy and then told on me, told the head of the spa to come and give me another towel.

It was like Glenn Quagmire.

I've heard a lot of stories about women's saunas, and it's like it's sort of turned me into a misogynist.

And because I mean, literally, like,

it's red-pilling me more than anything.

Yeah.

Why?

What are they doing?

The men's sauna is

like we're in ancient Rome.

Yeah.

You have to understand.

It's a Bacchanalian sex.

No, well, no, it's not, but it's like,

it's the court of the Emperor Nero.

It's the great equalizer.

We're at the bath.

You talk about people, you talk about business, you talk about current events.

It's a common thread.

You talk about working out.

I have never witnessed anything remotely close to any type of contention in the men's sauna.

No.

Every time I hear about the women's sauna, it's just

it's like about to go reach critical mass.

You know why it is?

In the 80s.

With the exception of Lewis Gomez, by the way.

They'll be happy.

Lewis

Lewis is banned from Equinox because he

quit Equinox.

Well, he tells, yeah, he goes in the steam room.

He's like, he's like, yeah, dude, it was fucked up.

Like, guys were talking and stuff.

And I'm like, that's what the fucking thing is for.

I think there's two different schools of thought.

I think a steam room, I don't know.

I think it depends.

It depends.

Sometimes I do believe the sauna is a place of like quiet meditation.

And if you want to chat, it's not.

That's what the fucking

Zendo is for.

The sauna, you go in there, and you can't, it's hot.

You don't need to meditate.

You're already fucking hot.

I'll tell you why these girls are acting up because after the 80s, they banned peepholes for guys' locker rooms.

And so once they were like, no, no, no,

now they can't act right.

Now they're acting different.

Because we're open a place.

We're not cracking towels in

this gym.

And then

you're just recording women in the locker room.

And then when you get sued for it, you're like, I mean, there's a reasonable assumption to be made that that's what's happening.

Have you seen the movie?

We play it in the lobby.

The movie is playing in the lobby.

They should know.

I remember as a kid, I would see the cover of that movie.

I'd be like, damn, I can't wait to do that.

Like five.

I'm like, when I'm older,

when I'm older, it's going to be awesome.

I'm going to have a secret hole in the women's locker room.

I'm going to look through a hole.

Mom, can I tell you?

I'll just jack off in like a broom closet.

And there's nothing the girls can do about it.

I'm covered in cleaning fluid from all of the janitor supplies masturbating, and I'm going to be just like the movie.

And then you watch the movie and you're like, this sucks.

Yeah, it's not good, man.

It's not good.

No,

it's bizarre, in fact.

Yeah, you think it's going to be like Animal House, and it's not.

No, it's not like that at all.

No, it's just

peeping.

Yeah.

There's still 1980s peepers.

There's a lot of 80s peepers.

It really went out of vogue after that.

But you know what?

Society's like a pendulum.

Peeping's going to come back.

I hope so.

I think so.

I'm trying to get peeped on.

Yeah, have you?

Really?

Yep.

Come on.

That's disgusting.

Disgusting.

You don't know who's on the other side.

It could be a five-year-old.

It could be five-year-old Nick.

Who do you think is the person at fault?

Because I got to a disagreement with someone about this.

He was like, I saw a girl getting naked in the apartment across from me.

You could see through her window.

That's cool.

And I'm like,

you're the problem.

Like, you're looking at her.

She's allowed to be naked.

No, what are you talking about?

It's her fault.

It's her fault.

And she knows that he's there.

No, I don't know.

she probably wants to get married to him.

No,

people do the thing where they're like, ah, they probably can't see me.

They can see you.

Everyone can see you.

They can see you.

If you're in your apartment and you look out the window and you can see things, all that shit can see you.

Yeah, it doesn't bother me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If someone doesn't have like a telescope, they can't.

Me and Felix and Amber lived together.

Remember, there's that couple across the street.

We've been doing the podcast and they would just be like fucking in front of the window

It was a bay window.

It was so cool.

I don't look because I think that's the thing.

That guy was the man.

Yeah, no, I remember that stop would be at the window, like

a fire truck window.

Yeah, but it's their fault.

It's not my fault.

Right, they're not in the privacy of their own home.

It's in the fucking

public.

Yeah.

Okay.

What the hell?

Right.

And he used to do a doggy thing where she would be, they'd both be facing the window.

They were

exhibitioning.

I didn't remember cross-details at all.

Adams, I think.

He sounds like he studied it.

April 17, 2017, dude.

She reached climax four minutes into inner voice.

Still, it's just cool.

He fucked her for 12 minutes afterwards.

It's like 15 feet away from a Malcolm X mural.

I'm like, come on.

Come on.

A little respect.

Spread love.

It's the Brooklyn World.

I love that mural because it's clearly Denzel on the cover.

Yeah, it's not

Malcolm X.

That's who he used to copy it.

I think so, yeah.

I think it's the cover of the.

There's a couple other funny ones on there.

Yeah.

Anyway, any plugs, Karen?

I'm going to be in Akron, Ohio on July 6th.

Nice.

Ah, for what?

The Dirigible Festival?

Yep.

You too?

I will see you there.

Cool.

LeBron James owns a club with a guy called the 30 Something.

What?

The 30?

I swear to God, it's like the 33 Club?

The 30-30 Club?

Maybe.

Well, they used to have the 40-40 Club in New York.

That was Jay-Z.

Yeah.

ESPN on the screen.

So, yeah, I'm there.

July 6th, July 12th, I'm headlining Rodney's Comedy Club in New York City.

If you want to come to that, that would be good.

Probably not going to sell a lot of tickets.

Go check it out, folks.

Nick, anything you're going to be on the road?

Nah.

I'm in hyenas at the end of July.

I don't know.

I want to figure out some way to just tack on a show either before or after in Austin and then maybe like one nighters or something.

Yeah.

Because I really don't like anytime I go down there, it's just I book it for the shows.

I'm like, I'll do the stuff during the day, but I kind of want to just chill and just have a nice trip for a little bit see the cruise

it will be hot just go to Barton Springs I don't really fuck with Barton Springs I like going to Krowsey Springs what's what's it's out west but it's the same thing okay it's a natural spring less populated Barton was no it gets pretty busy now it used to be less populated but but Austin's uh

you know what maybe I'll just cancel the show and not go to Texas

did I just talk you out of it It's going to be hot.

I will be

hyenas in Fort Worth, and that's a fun club.

They never booked me, so I wouldn't.

It's fun.

It's like the setup of the club is the actual space is enormous.

And then the showroom is like the smallest room in the building.

And

it's like one of the birthday rooms of Chuck E.

Cheese.

That's awesome.

Yeah, and the chairs are the same kind of chairs, but that's like the best environment because it's like,

we're just here to laugh, folks.

I like that.

All right, folks.

I'm just here to have some good Christian laughter here tonight.

Wholesome.

Yeah.

All right, folks, thanks for listening.

Yeah.

I'll be asked if I was Mormon.

I said, yeah, I would love some Mormon

in my life.

Yeah.

Mormon.

Yeah.

Because I'm actually, I'm gay, folks.

And it took Christ to teach me that.

And it's okay because if you read the Bible, Bible, the only thing that's actually a sin is fucking the other guys.

You can suck them off.

You can fucking jack off together.

All of that is fine.

Yeah.

I grew up with a lot of them, and I guess the dads were all

seemed like they were gay.

There is no better feeling

than to turning you to just making a Cinnabon with another guy.

You guys curl up, and it's just shit.

I call it a yin-yang.

Yeah.

It's a cinnabond.

Yeah.

That's kind of

a sticky bun.

It's kind of like, and when it's three guys, it's the recycling symbol.

Then we check the Bible and we say, yep.

Yep.

We didn't lay down together.

We fucked completely.

We were standing up.

It's in the tablets.

I did not lay with another man.

I fucked him on a sex swing.

There is a difference.

All right, folks, thanks for listening.

We'll be back next week.

Take care.

Bye.

At Coldwater Creek, we take a thoughtful approach to design, giving attention to what matters most to you.

From quality fabrics to the fits you love to artful details that captivate.

Coldwater Creek caters to your wardrobe in every season, for every occasion, and in every size.

We create comfortable, confident styles with endless versatility that reflect the life you live.

Discover why Coldwater Creek is the sought-after choice in women's clothing.

For new seasonal looks, shopcoldwatercreek.com.