The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Jordan Jensen - Episode 54

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Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

We're joined by Jordan Jensen.

Nick is on assignment right now.

He's in Kabul, Afghanistan.

Do you know what's going on over there?

What's going on in Kabul?

I don't know.

It's too complicated to even explain.

I don't even know.

Do you know

anything about war or anything like that?

Do girls.

Girls don't like like like wars or anything I like war.

You do?

Yeah.

You have like a favorite war?

I mean, it's everybody's favorite.

World War II.

I don't know.

No, that's a that's that's like ba that's like a basic bitch.

No way.

Everybody loves World War II.

Every Karen says World War II.

I mean so many people died.

No way.

U.S.

Civil, dude.

Every oh, yeah, that is a good one.

To be honest, low-key, one of my favorites is cold.

I think cold is hilarious.

Cold?

Cold War.

Yeah, but it's not an actual war.

Yeah, but it's so good.

Just Just a bunch of, just a bunch of this.

You know?

Yeah.

I like that.

Yeah.

I also like the one that's going on right now.

Did you see that show, The Americans?

I tried to start watching it recently.

No, I've just been watching The Wire.

Oh, yeah.

Really, really makes me want to say the N-word.

It makes me say the N-word.

That's what you're taking away from The Wire.

I can't stop.

The first season?

Are you kidding me?

I got on stage after watching it.

Like, I watched it in the window, and I was like,

Because me and Jake are just running around

watching it.

You're running around watching it?

Or

like on on the subway watching it?

You're going to be the character.

Every time they say the M-word, you laugh on the train really loud.

You're like, that's funny.

Did you guys get a load of this?

I hold it up like this.

That's so funny.

I saw Django once

when I lived in DC in

an all-black movie theater, and I got nervous when Leo was saying it.

I know, he said it hard.

Everyone in the theaters was dying of laughter.

Everyone thought it was really funny.

That the racisms were very funny.

So I was like,

so then I started laughing along.

I said it.

Everyone laughed.

No, everyone.

This black guy got on the train yesterday and he got on.

He was like, all right, ladies and gentlemen, ready?

And I was like, oh, here we go.

And then he proceeded to do

the most moving

modern dance.

He looked like a street rat, and he did like the most moving modern dance about, the song was about love and you're getting your heart broke.

It was unbelievable.

He had like a boombox or something.

Yeah.

It was a mate, and it was like he was doing all that.

Yeah.

Really?

It was incredible.

He kicked an old lady in the head or something.

He didn't do that.

They got rid of Showtime, Showtime in New York City.

I haven't seen one of those in years.

What's going on?

Do you go to Prospect Park?

Yeah, like nighttime, usually between the hours of 3 and 6 a.m.

Yeah.

And just kind of

in the wooded areas.

Yeah.

There's just homeless men who are allowed to live in the men's bathroom areas.

You got to get them out of there.

Oh, in Prospect Park?

Yeah, like in little coves.

I think those are homosexuals.

No, they're homosexuals.

The joke I was making was that I was cruising in Prospect Park.

Ian goes to the park for that?

Ian used to cruise.

He has a cruise face.

It's really intense.

What's the face?

I can't do it, but I make him do it to me because it's so crazy.

He like walks by and he does this look that's like it's crazy.

He like walks by and he goes like i can't do it it's like it's like

no no no no no it's like it's like

i can't do it i can't do it as i is

no he doesn't it's something with his weird eyes that make you it's like it's sweet but it's also like we could fuck it's crazy ask him to do it say to your cruising face it will make you be like yeah let's go to the woods right now that's crazy it's not gonna make me want to it will it will i'm telling you i'm not i'm the last person on this planet that would ever fuck ian and his cruising face makes me want to become a man so that i can fuck him You're the last person on the planet that would fuck him.

100%.

If you're the last, I'm the second to last.

Really?

One time he, I remember

he said to us that he considered himself an eight and a half.

And we, I think, I know.

I just remember how hard Stav laughed at that.

I remember Stav just

like shaking and dying.

He did Stav's podcast recently, and he said something like that, and Stav had to be like, you're just mistaken.

It's very sweet that you feel that way, but you are mistaken.

Yeah.

But it's great.

I told him this before, but he looks like Chuck E.

Cheese.

He does.

He looks like Chuck E.

Cheese.

He looks like Austin Powers.

No, not at all.

Yeah.

I look more like Austin Powers.

No way.

He has that, yeah, bait.

Like he has that weird sexual constant and the teeth.

His teeth are.

I guess like spiritually looks like he's Austin Powers.

Dude, he dressed up as Austin Power for Halloween, and I was like, you have arrived.

This is how you should always be.

I watched the first one recently, and I really, my girlfriend turned to me and she said it herself.

She's like, I really didn't realize how much of my personality I've based off of that.

It's one of the best movies.

I was kind of the Austin Powers kid in elementary school.

Did I ever tell you that story about my friend went to college with a guy named Austin Powers?

No.

That's amazing.

I got his driver's license.

Can you imagine that guy's life?

Like, the first movie came out.

He's like, it's going to be six months of, yeah, baby, yeah.

Then I'll go back to normal.

Austin Powers 2 comes out.

He's like, okay, first of all, they can't keep the the magic going.

It sucks that he has to say.

If you met a guy named Austin Powers today in 2024, like a vein would pop up on your forehead to keep you from saying, yeah, baby, yeah.

100%.

Do I make you horny, baby?

I wouldn't let the vein appear.

I would just start saying it.

He'd fuck him.

I wouldn't.

He would fuck him.

Totally.

I fucked him because his name was Austin Powers.

There's a lot of people that are blowing comics on the road, and I think that they're doing it because they're like, I blew this person.

Because it was Austin Powers?

No, but that reminded me of it.

Like, there's a lot of my friends being like, this girl just offered me a blowjob.

Like, there's a lot of women being like, I'll suck your dick.

I won't have sex with you.

But then they'll blow the person, then they'll be like, I blew whatever.

Head only.

Head only.

Like a collector's tote.

Yeah, that's happened to me before.

Really?

Yeah, but I said,

actually, I'd rather just go down on you.

Nice.

While you call me the Kaysler.

That's because you're a beautiful lesbian.

Just kidding, dude.

I would never do that with some stranger.

Disgusting.

Wait, but isn't that normal?

Like, someone is like performing and is fairly successful, and then a girl wants to

swab them off.

No, I've never had that impulse.

I've never seen somebody in the argument.

You've never gone to a Bon Jovi concert and you're like, I would really like to suck that man's penis.

No, I've gone to a concert and been like, I'd really like to date and then eventually marry that man and procreate with him.

But I've never been like, I'd like to blow him.

You'd like to just decide, are we doing Thai or Chinese tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You'd like to get into an argument because you had a dream the night before.

Dude, I just did that the other day.

Oh, shit.

Why do they, why do you, why do you think that's a good thing?

It's so hard to make you.

You guys are so mean in the dreams.

You're so mean, and you always cheat on me.

You always cheat on me when I'm dreaming.

And then I wake up and you're sitting there, and I'm like, you suck.

You were just so mean in the dream.

And you're always unapologetic in the dream.

You're never like, you're never like, I'm sorry, I did this thing.

You're always like, I don't care about you.

Does every girl do this?

I think that's a lie.

I think it's like you guys are just saying.

It literally happened three days ago.

What did he do in the dream?

He was like, i walked in on him

making out with a girl and she was being all clamory and like

no just some random girl on the staircase i know what it's from and then i was like was it from the time that he was making out with a girl in the staircase no i just it's because it what it is is it's my own girl he cheating on you it's my own shit like i do fucked up shit when i feel threatened in previous relationships like i'll feel threatened and then i'll like develop an emotional affair with somebody and it feels skeevy so then i think everybody's doing that to me.

But, and then in the it's always like this.

It's always like, well, I guess we're not dating anymore.

And I'm like, what, really?

And he's like, yeah, sorry.

I just don't want to.

But that also is.

You broke up with him in the morning?

No, no.

In the dream, it's always like that.

It's like, well, this girl's sucking my dick, so I guess we're not together anymore.

Oh, he dumped you.

Oh, that's a gentleman's thing to do.

That's a gentlemanly thing.

I always have dreams that people I love are like, I don't care about you.

Really?

I used to have that dream when I was a kid that I was at a gas station.

My parents

were walking in front of me, and then they just kept walking faster and faster.

And I kept, and then they left me.

Oh, yeah.

I always had a dream as a kid that I was

stuck in a car that was moving.

Like, I was in the back seat, and then I had to climb into the front and drive the car.

Yeah, I have the dream where the brakes don't work.

Yeah, a lot.

What is that?

That's got to mean something.

Yeah, yeah.

I was saying this to Nick a couple of years ago, but dreams often for me are like that I'm going somewhere, but I never actually get there.

Like,

yeah, I don't really ever have sex dreams.

I have a dream where it's like I'm like in a car with a chick, and she's like, Let's go somewhere and fuck.

I'm not that idea.

Yeah, and then you have to go through the drinks.

I don't think there's like rabbits in a dream and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, I've had sex with a dream.

I had a wet dream.

You did?

When I was making a dream.

Was it when your boyfriend was making making out with that girl on the stairs?

No.

Oh, no, it was a different one.

It was a different one.

It would be funny if you were just had absolutely geysered.

I do geyser at that point.

I do geyser at people being like, get away from me.

You geyser?

No way.

You slide right off the bed.

If I'm fucking somebody and they're like, please don't come near me.

Totally.

100%.

You're fucking me.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I say that on stage sometimes.

You do that?

Yeah.

You stole my You're Fucking Me baby?

I said that my friend said that women always are like, you're fucking me.

My friend said, that's a classic.

And that Adam Friedland said.

And then I'm like, that's because they're bad.

My friend Adam Friedland?

And that guy's an applause break?

Everybody stops.

Everybody freaks out.

Everyone's like, that's your friend?

Yeah, I have two.

I have one that Nick said to me and one that you said to me.

What What did Nick say to you?

Nick said to me,

$6 million was too high of a number.

So why don't you just date a black guy?

And I was like, I said that to you.

No.

Maybe, maybe because everybody fucking says it to me.

Why not?

Because I'm not going to date a black guy because I think white is right.

Don't say that.

Do you notice that John Mayer said that in Playboy magazine once?

What?

He said, I love black women, but my dick is like David Duke.

Yeah, mine too.

I've only ever had sex

with

Irishmen.

Irishmen?

Yeah.

No.

Really?

Yeah.

That gets you off?

Is it the always angry Catholic?

It's the red nose, the bloated.

No, not gingers.

Like stoic.

But they had big red noses from alcoholism.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Really?

It's like freckle people.

Yeah, yeah.

Irishmen are good lovers?

You wouldn't know.

You haven't had any others.

Yeah.

You haven't had any others.

I had sex with one brown man, and I did not like it.

Brown?

Muslim.

Nice, dude.

You should date a Muslim guy.

No, I hate it.

One of my friends is Muslim.

Ismail is Muslim.

And I'm always like, dude, I don't believe you.

I think you're just Harry Pottering about Islam.

Because he starts reciting the Quran to me, and I'm like, yeah, you're just a dork for Islam.

I don't believe that you really believe this.

Oh, that he actually is.

I never believe people when they're really, when they're a practical person with like, he's the most reasonable person.

And then he's like, well, al akhba or whatever and i'm like don't you don't no way he swings at you in muslim in arabic always he always quotes the quran he prays five times a day and i'm like i don't think that you think that you were accidentally born into the right religion i wasn't and you think i'm going to hell also i just don't buy it he was named austin powers so i

fucked him in the bathroom because he showed me his id and it was austin powers people do that people just have hope that Austin Powers.

No, that Austin Powers guy has been, his entire life has been ruined by that, but I hope he at least got pussy a couple times off of it.

Does he look like Austin Powers?

It'd be cool if it was one of those.

No, he's just a normal guy.

There's a guy.

There's also a guy that comes to Funny Mom sometimes, and his name is.

Someone was doing crowd work, and he's like, Yeah,

his name's Tyler Durden.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, that guy.

He's a really nice kid.

His name is Tyler Durden.

His name is straight up Tyler Durden.

That's cool.

Yeah, yeah.

My name is Limp Biscuit.

That's like a.

Tyler Durden Durden is also just like a, that's like a, like a guy, like a,

you know, guys that are too into like a,

I don't know, what can I say?

Like a,

like, Bitcoin or like really into Tyler Durden.

Really?

Yeah, those kind of guys.

You think?

Guys that like, yeah, yeah.

They're like, I want to burn down society.

And I have a, I have a, you know, I don't know where this is going at all.

Do you have any Bitcoin?

No, not at all.

Nobody's putting pressure on me to put money.

I had all my money in checking until

the last couple of months.

What'd you do with it?

Nothing.

You just moved it to saving?

No, I don't know.

They do stuff with it now.

They.

Oh, they.

The Jews.

Yeah.

Madoff.

He's good.

Anyway, Maya's got big tits, huh?

Yeah, my girlfriend has big tits.

Something really embarrassing happened to me yesterday.

What was it?

So I went in for an audition, I told you.

Yeah.

And so, like, I adrenaline pumping, I'm really nervous, you know.

But it's funny, like, you walk into the waiting room and it's all all like it's five guys that look like you, and they're actors, really.

So, they're actors, so they're like thinking about what they learned at NYU, and they're all like, you know, like, like, nervous and like small.

And I'm like, oh, fuck it.

Like, I'm a fucking comedian, dude.

I don't give a shit about this.

So, I was like, oh, it's so funny.

We all look the same.

They were like, ha ha ha.

They all started laughing.

And then, like, one guy comes up.

He's like, Are you having freelancer?

I really like the show.

And I was like, that's, you know, in my mind, I'm like, that's right, dude.

I'm fuck these fucking actors.

Like, you know, like, I'm, I'm important, you know.

And so I'm like, it's you know and then i they call them all in and this me and this one other guy and i'm kind of really feeling myself and i'm like bro you like you've been in movies and he's like yeah i get a couple and i was like um oh like have you been like the star of any of the movies and he's like

i guess yeah and i was like oh some fucking nyus like thesis movie yeah this fucking guy off brown and i was like what like anything i would have seen and he's like no well you wouldn't have seen my face face.

And I was like, what is it, like, cartoons or something?

And he's like, um,

I don't know.

I'm the star of the new Planet of the Apes movie, the one in theaters right now.

He's like, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I just got back from the press tour.

Oh, my God.

Who is it?

So I'm like, oh, fuck, dude.

I forgot that people do this for these guys are professionals.

Yeah, you asked.

Some guys said they like the show, but YouTube show.

I was like, these people are nothing.

And then, like, immediately, like, I'm like, no, but then I I talked to him about, like, being the monkey students.

Wait, he is the monkey?

He's the main monkey.

He's not acting.

He's the main monkey.

He's a Jewish guy with glasses.

No, he's not Jewish.

He's like a very handsome guy.

But the character is a pretty ugly guy.

And I'm like, well, I'm uglier than him, so I have a better shot.

Yeah.

And then, and then I realized, I was like, this guy played a fucking monkey.

He could do anything.

He could do anything.

This guy could be a fucking ugly guy if he wants to.

He's super ugly.

And look who they cast.

He's a really nice guy.

Shout out to that guy.

He's a very nice guy.

They're not going to cast you because they cast that girl as the girl.

Yeah, I don't want to say anything.

I'm not going to get the thing.

When I don't get it, I'll say what it's for, and

everyone's going to get a big laugh.

New planet of the apes.

You got to look at this guy.

He's unreal.

Is he?

You don't know his name.

He's so handsome.

Fume.

You look it up while I'm on YouTube.

He told me his name, but I forgot it immediately.

Fume.

Oh, Fume.

Fume.

Pronounced F-U-M-E, spelled spelled F-U with an umlaut M.

All right, guys.

You ever try to break a bad habit?

And it felt like climbing Mount Everest in flip-flops.

You ever found...

That ever happened to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, we've been there, too.

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That's pretty good.

This is a good copy, I think, right?

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giving your fingers a lot to do, which is helpful for de-stressing anxiety while breaking your habit.

Look at this, Jordan.

Play with this.

I have one.

I played with it today.

Does that satisfy you?

That feeling.

Yeah, this feeling.

And it's nice and it's weighty and it's got a good wood, and it comes in this lovely box.

Just like Pete.

Just wow.

Well, now they know that a 6'9 guy is working with two 5-foot-one men on a podcast.

That's a good pitch for

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Okay, we're back to the show.

Jordan, what do you think?

AP, is a 256

SD card fine for a 4K

camera?

Yeah.

Yeah, how long do you need to film for?

Two hours.

Yeah, if you're shooting in like 1080, if you're shooting in 4K, you might you're gonna run into like you're gonna have a really good question for 1080.

Do you need to shoot 4K or 1080?

4K.

4K, I get a I get 500.

Get a 512.

Get the 512, maybe the 1TB.

Get the 1TB.

You gotta get 1 TB.

Okay.

Cool.

Okay, and now we're back.

So, wait, proportional.

Can we figure that out then?

I'm guessing, I have to see his hands, but I'm guessing that it's like it doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, the hands don't mean anything.

Actually, they don't mean anything.

Is that right, Pete?

Yeah.

It's like what?

Like that?

Yeah.

Right?

Hard.

So that's like, what is that?

Like, four, four,

maybe three and a half?

Seven and a half.

Eight.

Seven and a half, eight.

I'm very good at, I know exactly what your penis looks like.

And there's no such thing as proportional, actually, sometimes.

Anyway, yeah, yeah.

I have a friend that's got like the biggest in the crew, and now he's been having mental health issues.

And he's been like texting us about like, he's like, I'm having a hard time right now.

And like, I text my other friend that's in the group chat, and I'm like, honestly, I can't really take it seriously.

No, my hot friend got cheated on, and I just couldn't feel that bad for him.

I don't care about hot.

If you just like, he tells me all the time.

He said girls have had to go to the hospital before.

Well, that's a curse.

Yeah, it kind kind of is.

I was hooking up with a guy, and I felt his penis, and I was like, there's no way.

So I just sucked on the outside of it, like one of those fish in the fish tank.

What do you mean, sucked on the outside?

I couldn't get it in.

Your mouth?

My mouth.

What it is huge.

So

he kind of does walk a lonely road.

Yeah.

Yeah.

On this boulevard of broken dreams.

It's so funny to be sad because your penis is too big.

He is a sad boy.

I'll tell you what it is after the thing.

Really?

Yeah.

Is it in our profession?

Uh-huh.

No.

Yeah.

I don't like that.

I don't like that.

I don't like that.

I don't think.

Like, what's the point of being funny?

I know.

Yeah.

Like, I wouldn't get out of bed.

I know.

I just have delivery uber eats of pussy.

Why is it?

No, but yeah.

Like, why is he doing stand-up comedy?

I saw pornography when I was 13, and they have large, very big ones in porn, and I have a

small penis.

Not a small penis oh okay not a small penis but i thought it because because uh also my penis wasn't you know it oh

anyway i thought you know i'm i'm gonna be i'm never gonna have a wife because i thought that like it's supposed to be a baby's arm and uh you know i'll so i think it's weird that's why we say baby's arms There's so many other things.

There's so many other objects in the world.

Yeah, it's like, why do we have to do that?

Why do we go baby?

Why are we doing that?

Why are we doing that?

Why are we just hit hard every time?

Yeah, yeah.

Or like when you see a baby, you're like, oh, look at that two large men's large penises.

Every time I say a baby, look at those cocks.

Look at those two huge dicks.

They're coming out of that face.

Look at those two monster cocks.

They got four dicks coming out of that face.

A baby's leg.

Look at their leg.

Five, because they have penises off them.

It's inappropriate, actually, to do that to babies.

That's a very fair point.

It is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God, I just found out that

this guy now wants to pee in a diaper and be changed by his wife sexually, and it really upset me.

He wants to, or he does it.

That's their lives.

He wants to.

He wants her to do that for him.

Isn't that crazy?

Do you want that?

He pitched it.

He pitched it.

And wife.

And his wife is beautiful and he's not.

But think about this.

Like, he's been living in pain the entire time they're together.

No.

No, if you have a specific fetish like that, like.

No, he just thought about it too much and then got obsessed with it.

No, no, I think that like he knows that I have this specific thing and this is the only way I can come and it makes me feel like God, right?

And anytime I'm in a relationship, I can't pitch it too early on because she's going to leave.

I have to wait.

Maybe 18 months in, I could say, get out of here.

No, he needs to correct his perverse sex.

Now it's in his wife.

He's not his mouth shut.

I mean, I don't think anyone should have sex.

I don't think anybody should have perverse sex.

Just relax.

I'm actually very happy.

At this point, I'm completely over.

Do you have sex a lot in relationships?

How often are you supposed to have sex?

I'm very hungry.

How often?

You're very hungry?

Yeah.

Just currently.

Yeah.

Do you want me to order Uber Eats?

No, it's okay.

What do you want me to get?

Shake Shack?

No.

Okay.

How often?

The nice thing about it, if you live together?

No.

You want a sweet green?

Yeah.

What kind?

I want the hummus crunch salad.

So you.

Wait, let me ask.

This podcast is just going all off the road.

I'll get you.

Pete, I apologize.

I love Pete.

You guys don't know Pete.

Pete's the best.

Pete protected me from a crazy lady recently.

Really?

Yeah.

Did we already talk about that, Pete?

No, I haven't been here with you.

Maybe we did.

Who was it?

Was it like another

crazy stalker lady tried to bum rush me after as a city?

That sweet green was the first thing.

I never ordered sweet greens.

That's so scary.

Yeah, scary.

The hummus?

Pete, you want anything?

Yeah, can I get the

whatever the kale Caesar thing is?

James Caesar.

Okay, I got you.

Kale Caesar.

Order order.

Guess what I have for lunch, Pete?

I got a Peter Luger's burger randomly.

My car went over the Williamsburg Bridge, got a flat, so it's been in Williamsburg, and I was across the street waiting for the tow today.

And I went alone.

I felt like a businessman.

The hummus?

He wants Kale Caesar.

I want hummus crunch.

I'm looking.

Um,

God,

you know, those days you just don't want a podcast?

Hummus Crunch.

I really appreciate it.

Order two of the kale, and I'll pay you for it for the person who's coming.

Sebastian Maniscal, go.

I saw him go up in LA.

He's incredible.

I know.

He's really good.

I think he's the best.

Anyone who's told me their problems and I find out that they have a monster,

it just makes me mad.

Yeah, but the thing is, sometimes the monster can feel like you can't live up to the expectation.

It's how I feel about Maya and her tits.

I'm like, I don't respect any problem she could ever have.

What do you mean?

You have cancer.

And I'd be like, but you have a beautiful body, beautiful face, and big tits.

Yeah, yeah.

She could be dying of cancer.

She could be dead.

Well, the only thing is that I'd be like, it's a waste of a good body.

You know.

What a waste of that.

What a waste of the titanium.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

I guess I've there's no escape.

Even my trainer, who's the most ripped hot woman I've ever seen in my life, gets cheated on constantly.

She does.

Just cheated.

I was like, I'm going going to quit because you're saying that.

That's the only reason I'm working out.

Yeah, because guys don't want a ripped woman.

She's not.

She's hot.

She's incredible.

She's got one of those, like, no.

Like,

doing squats, big ass thing?

No.

Can I see a picture of her?

Okay.

It's just one of those days when you don't want to podcast.

No, it's, it's just that, yeah, our attention spans all over the place.

You got allergies.

I got allergies.

I have terrible

brain fog.

Yeah, but also, I just had like, I have.

We can't say anything.

We can't say anything.

We can't fucking say anything.

What are we going to talk about?

Oh, we can't talk about the the war in the Middle East.

Yeah, but what about

there's a lot more.

You want to talk about it?

You don't know anything.

Who is the Secretary of State?

Warren Buffett.

Who is the

head of

Netsen Yatu?

Yeah.

Who's the head of Hamas?

Baghdaddy.

Is that true?

That's the guy that Trump killed when he's like...

Nice.

Yeah, Shane did that bid about it.

What was it?

About how funny it was when he announced that guy's death.

Bag daddy.

Bag daddy.

Well, you do better Trump than me.

We love Baghdaddy.

We love to see him there.

He died like a dog and like, whatever.

Died like a dog.

My favorite Gillis joke is the one where he says, where he's like, the way Trump argues, and he'll just come into a whole thing and then just be like,

your wife has a dog face.

Can you do that?

He's like.

Your wife does have a dog face, though.

He probably wants him to win again just because

he can keep doing the impression.

I want him to win again so the boys are back in town.

That's what I know.

I know.

It was, I mean, like,

I'm so sick of Biden.

I'm not going to vote for Trump, right?

But, like, it would feel fun to do it.

And it's New York City.

He's definitely going to win.

So, like, to do it for fun is a possibility.

Yeah.

Just to know what it feels like.

I've only just said that.

Take that, women.

Yeah.

Well, that's a good.

We all did.

It's never going to get better, whatever.

Yeah.

You know what's crazy is like, it's an election right now, and

no one's paying attention to it at all.

Do you remember how it used to be must-see TV?

It was huge.

When Trump was in those debates with all those clowns and he was being mean to everyone, that was like the best TV show I've ever seen.

Yeah, what's going on now?

People are talking about like the 12-year-old, the people at Columbia in their tents or something.

That's what the news is now?

Yeah.

The kids.

That's not the news.

There's literally a presidential election going on right now and no one's paying attention to that.

No.

It's because nothing happens.

It'll just waffle.

We know exactly what it looks like with Biden.

We know exactly what it looks like with Trump and it didn't affect our lives at all.

I was saying we should just tell them that they both won.

I want somebody to win who is anti-abortion.

Anti-abortion.

Yeah, because they took it away.

They overturned Roe v.

Wade.

Right, but I want it to be illegal for me to get an abortion because I do.

You want to keep the next one.

I just know that I won't have a kid if I can abort.

I know that I won't.

I'll be right back.

So, you want every woman in America to see?

Just me.

I want to walk and do a thing and then be like, So you want a law written just for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had my first lesbian thought the other day.

What is it?

I look like a girl.

I saw a girl at the boxing gym.

And she was so hot.

And I was like, oh.

I thought it was you were looking in the mirror.

You're like, damn, I look like a lesbian.

No, that's every day.

That's every day in my life.

No, I don't have to look in the mirror.

I walk outside.

Wait, you saw a girl boxing.

I saw a girl at the boxing gym, and I was like, oh, I could date that.

Really?

What does she look like?

Me, a little.

Really?

That's a style of a gay guy, you know?

Just two twins.

You just see them, they're the exact same guy.

The problem with lesbians is they do this thing with their voice.

Like, I heard one of them training, and she's like, so how much can you lift?

Like, they do a cosplay as a man thing.

I know that people are going to be like, you're doing that.

But

they literally act like they're like being a guy.

yeah they talk like that and it is cringy to me yeah and i think if you think it's performative

it's insecure it looks like it's a lot of how to like communicate with pit bulls they do know my mom just got two pit bulls they do know how to do automotive repair

you know

they do yeah they do have the respect of it they're masters of animals and beasts yeah why do they why are they so good with cats i don't understand why

there's something yeah i sent my dog to uh my dog can't be around other dogs, and my dog, my friend, was watching my dog while I was out of the country, and he was like, Yeah, I dropped her a doggy daycare yesterday, and apparently she, she was great.

And I was like, She, I thought she, no, she'll go on a murder spree, she'll kill everyone there.

No, and he was like, No, there was just some lesbian that was like, Ow!

And then she was like a good dog the rest of the day.

Was it in Brooklyn?

No, it was in Connecticut.

Oh, he has like a wood shop up in Connecticut where

he I forget that you have a pit bull.

That's so crazy.

Yeah, I know.

I have a murder weapon is she a murder weapon she's very sweet she

I told I've told this story before but yeah when I first got her

I had vague fear yeah yeah I felt I you know I'd never had a dog I just like did it like a it's crazy that Nick has a cat and you have a pit bull

yeah I'm like a guy and he's like a girl

but not in waking life I just like get met her on the street and I adopted her and I've never had an animal before I was like you met her on the street spur of the moment like manic pixie,

like,

oh, I'll take you home.

Yeah, I had roommates and stuff, too, at the time.

Wait, you met her on the street because she was homeless, or you met her on the street because they were putting her up for adoption in, like, a cage?

She's a homeless teen whore.

Yeah.

This guy on the street was like,

hey,

I just bred her at my grandma's house,

and

now she has nowhere to live.

God.

And I was like, nowhere to live?

And then she was depressed also because she just had her children taken away too early.

How old was she?

Sh she was, uh, they bred her in her first heat.

So basically, she got her first period and they knocked her up.

You know what?

She's got big nips.

She had long, like, distended nipples from breastfeeding.

They've kind of shrunken a little bit.

But so she was like really sad and depressed.

But she was so sweet when I got her.

And then I was on a walk with her and I was like, oh, yes.

Like, I'm so I'm such a great guy.

I've saved this whore from the streets.

And then she got in this

like gory fight with another pitbull like in Clinton Hill, which is like a Hillary woman neighborhood.

Yeah.

And like there were just like Karens like surrounding it, like make it stop.

Like do something.

There's blood.

Blood.

Yeah, yeah.

And then this, yeah, there was like a bagger vance style.

There was like just a ghost, like a like an old black man who just appeared.

Nice.

And he's like, he's like, you got to put a stick in that dog's ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That happened to my pitbull.

My pitbull growing up attacked a dog and a guy drove by and went, put a finger in its ass, and then somebody just did it.

And she was like, and stopped.

You think if, like, two guys are outside a bar and they're like ready to go?

Dude, 100%.

Put a finger in one of the bro's asses.

Immediately going to stop.

And he's like, sorry.

Did she stop?

Did somebody put a stick in?

Immediately.

Was it a stick?

I put my tongue.

Actually,

okay, good.

That's really nice.

Humane.

Yeah, yeah.

They weren't even fighting.

So, yeah, but like, so then I was like, now they're going to put her to the death penalty.

Yeah.

But I guess the other people were like,

they were chill about it.

But yeah, so she can't really be around other dogs.

But until she met this lesbian, and the lesbian was like,

yeah, can communicate with her.

I guess lesbians are kind of pit bulls to some extent.

My dog just hung out with two pits.

He's on the show.

Hello, I'm doing the podcast.

What's up?

You got the car?

Yeah, I'm in your car.

All right, thanks, brother.

Is that guy fucked up on drugs?

No, no, no.

No, he's not fucked up.

You want to talk to him?

Yeah.

This is my friend Jordan.

She's a very funny comedian.

Hi, Jonas.

What are you doing Adam's bidding for?

Does he pay you?

Um, I'll get something out of it.

Are you sleepy?

I'm sleep.

Yeah, I'm fucking tired.

Is it because you have allergies?

He's a good guy.

No, but I have some.

Yeah, I do have like the throat thing.

I keep thinking I have a lot of things.

I have the throat thing too.

I didn't smoke any cigarettes, but I feel like I did.

I did hit the vape a lot last night, but I do think it's the pollen.

Yo, where are you watching Knicks?

Where are you watching Knicks?

Where are you going to watch the NYX game?

What do you mean?

Tell Adam with him.

That's why I'm

at the crib.

Adam's wearing women's socks.

They're not women's socks.

Those are women's socks.

He needs a ride.

All right, yeah, we'll drive out after.

What are you guys doing?

We're recording a podcast.

Come to the side.

This is the worst, dude.

No, it's too far.

He's sleepy.

Jonas is sleepy.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Bye, Jonas.

I love you.

That's my brother, dude.

I've always wanted to bring him back.

He's really nice.

Yeah.

He's really good at basketball.

All your notifications are covering up Maya's tits in this.

Oh, no, okay.

Oh, she's...

Yeah, my background is...

Your girlfriend?

Her breath.

I just want to be in a relationship where I'm the background of the guy.

Never.

No?

Would never.

Why, but.

Would have a picture of me getting shot in the eye.

Really?

Yeah.

Because it broke the screen.

It broke the glass.

He would have a picture of me getting sh raped to death by eight apes.

I don't think he would.

Because that would bring him joy.

I don't think he would.

He would have a picture of

you spreading just this.

Have you ever sent one of these in a picture?

Oh, no, I've never sent it in a picture because I'm always worried it's going to come back to you.

You've never had a guy send you a text, Send Sushi?

Is that what you say?

I don't ask for that, but that's what I would say if I wanted one of these.

You would say Send Sushi?

Send Sensushi.

I wouldn't say that.

Okay.

No, I'd say send a cheeky tasteful.

Does anybody say sensushi?

No, I don't think so.

I think I just made that up.

My friend did.

I was like...

I like sensus.

We were at a bar and he was seeing a girl in L.A.

and she sent

a video of her masturbating for him because

we were here.

Yeah.

And he wanted to.

And I saw it over his shoulder.

And I was like, it was.

Is that a cheeky tasteful?

It was the least titillating

sexuality.

It wasn't good.

Was she being too hard on it?

It was too gynecological.

It looked like a pap smear.

Well, you got to pull it back to 1.5.

Yeah.

It was actually, it depressed me.

He's like, and he was like, I don't know.

It was very nice of her to send this, but I'm not,

you know it's kind of rude i've seen so many of those on my friends phones it's my favorite thing to look through the dms that girls just send like just just

super ian gets narnar

sushi slams ian gets narnar sushi slams he gets uh from ladies yeah wow so he says that he's a homosexual and then girls he's not gay dude he's not gay no he's not he's not gay maybe that's but that is kind of predatory a little bit no to say you're gay when you're not gay Here's the thing.

If I say he's not gay, he yells at me about how gay he is.

If I say he's gay, he yells at me about how straight he is.

So

he has gone on a date with men before.

He did enjoy it.

It is true.

He went on a date.

Like, he went mini golfing with a guy?

He went sex sushi.

That's not a date.

That's more of a.

No, they got Chinese food.

They got Chinese food?

Yeah.

Kevin, I think his name was Kevin.

They didn't go to the mini golfing and the guy wrapped his arms around Ian and then they putt together?

No.

Because they just had to to do the quick.

They're men.

They're not interested in growing a bond with one another.

Yeah, yeah, that's suck each other's dicks.

That's what girls do.

Yeah, girls.

But I feel like it's so accepted now in society.

Like the guys, like before there was like it was okay to be gay, like they were like really just, it was in like dumpsters and like alleyways and stuff.

And now you could just be like a, you know.

Now you get like a fucking prime time Emmy for word or something.

Yeah.

I remember growing up with lesbian moms and having people be like

grabbing other servers and pulling them in.

I remember going to summer camp and all my friends staying up till 5 a.m.

when my mom was going to pick me up so they could see a lesbian.

Like it was totally crazy.

Like the zoo?

Like the zoo.

And my mom would be like, what's up?

Maybe that's why they're good with animals.

Maybe, yeah.

Because everybody's poking at them.

Because everyone's like, look at the.

My mom was a vet.

The first time I heard the word, I was a little kid, and my parents were listening to NPR and they said lesbian.

And I started crying and because it sounded like an alien.

It sounded like a lizard alien.

That's what I thought it was.

Lesbian.

And oh, it does.

And they were like, why are you crying?

And then I said, because they said something about like

lesbian,

like

the lesbian movement or something.

And I'm like, are they

going to come to Earth?

It sounds like a monster.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I cried when I watched.

Lesbians are ascending.

You know what I cried?

I cried when I watched Dumb and Dumber when I was a kid.

Why?

My parents rented it for me and they went out to dinner.

I was with a sitter.

When they give the little boy, the blind boy, the bird and it's dead and he's petting it and he says, pretty bird, I just

started weeping as a little kid.

I felt so bad for the kid.

I didn't know that the bird.

I don't care about the bird.

Because I'm a lesbian, I care about the bird.

Oh, you are.

No, I just thought it was like he thinks the bird's alive.

Oh, that would never bother me.

Really?

I can see a homeless man like folded over dying, and I feel way more bad for the dog that's with him that's like healthy.

I just, I don't care about people.

But the bird, that is sad.

I found out my mom was gay.

I didn't cry, but I walked in and I thought she was being attacked with a weapon, but it was a dildo.

Really?

You saw a woman

using one with her.

A big fat lady, yeah.

A fat lady dildoing yourself.

My dentist, to be honest with you.

Your dentist, really?

Sounds made up, but it's sad.

And they're like, your checkup's on Wednesday.

Yeah, and I had to keep going to her.

I have a friend who has to do that.

She put her hands to my mouth.

He walked in on his dad having a threesome.

Yeah, I've seen my dad have sex so many times.

Really?

So many times.

What the hell is going?

You don't have doors in your...

He used to fuck a lot in a tent if we'd go on a camping trip with this woman named Diane.

I remember her name because his name was Jack, and it was Jack and Diane, Little Diddy.

Oh, wow.

Little Diddy to her in a tent all day.

Male exam style.

And then one time I stayed in a cabin and I stayed in the attic and there was a hole and I would look through and I would see it.

And I was like, what are they doing?

And you're like, dad, you're murdering that vagina right now.

Yeah.

You're absolutely.

He was crushing.

And then I remember at one point he looked up at the hole, so it looked like he was looking right in my eye.

And I was like, dad.

I've said this before, but all of my Latin American friends, like South American friends, have had an uncle who's taken them to a horror house at like 13, and they've all like cried and not fucked.

Yeah, it's really traumatizing.

Yeah, yeah, it must be very traumatizing.

Imagine seeing a woman that age, just, you know, you would see an adult, like an older person, and then just having them be intimate all of a sudden with their crinkly face and too much makeup.

Remember being a kid and seeing too much makeup and being like, there's something bizarre world going on?

Guys, don't know what makeup is.

A woman could be wearing blue eyeshadow, and I don't know that she's wearing too much makeup.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Girls will say, my girlfriend would be like, she was wearing too much makeup.

I was like, I don't know.

Wow.

Interesting.

It's also funny.

Like, when a girl's like, that girl's a bitch, I'm always like, well, she's, I don't know, she has long hair and she's got boobs.

And so she seems pretty nice.

She's got long hair.

I can't, like, tell if a girl is me.

It's just a girl.

Wow.

No, she has long hair.

She has boobs.

That's not true.

You pick up on people's personalities.

No, no.

I don't really, maybe I'm just a massage.

Hot dumb bitches, you don't see the difference between.

Yeah, I'm just like, she seems great.

Oh, yeah, that's infuriating.

I hate that.

No, I want you to run a full analysis on every hot whore and be like, she's deficient emotionally and intellectually.

She's funny.

She's hilarious.

Oh, my God.

That is something.

She's so good.

She's so smart, too.

My guy friends will be like, she's funny, and then tell me something they said, and it's crippling.

It's so offensive.

It's crazy.

Yeah, we're idiots.

You guys are idiots.

We're so dumb.

It sucks.

I wish I was gay.

But it's fun to date a guy because you guys are so dumb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It must be.

It is because you can just

want to do extra damage.

It's really confusing to date a girl.

It is.

It's so confusing.

We're mad all the time.

They're mad at you for not doing something that you, but it's in their head, and you don't know that they want it.

Instead of saying that they want it,

you have to know that they want it.

All of us just want to be swaddled, and we want you to scream into our faces, I love you, and I'm not leaving.

That's all we want.

Just swaddle?

I haven't found that experience.

Because I do that on a first date.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I wear a wire on a first date.

Why do you wear a wire?

Because I record all my sets.

You know, why wouldn't I record all my dates?

You know?

I told you I got a call after the war started from my guys to be like, how are you doing with this?

Wow.

And I was like, my career?

And they were like, no, the war against our people.

And I was like, we really do run Hollywood.

It's so true.

Yeah, but Jews run Hollywood not because it's like that's where the money is.

It started off as like a very shameful end.

Did you invent?

No, we invented Hollywood.

Yeah.

Hollywood was like

you acted, it was low, brat.

My great-grandfather was like a silent, and he was like a scum.

He was a silent filmmaker?

He was a silent film actor because he only spoke Italian.

Your great-grandfather was?

Yeah, he's no shit.

And it was very scummy to be an actor.

So then they were like, well, let's give it to the Jews the Jews.

That's your industry because you guys are scummy.

We couldn't get into the oil industry.

We couldn't get into like,

yeah, like

coal or anything.

So that, yeah, that we went into the new one.

And you did a great job.

Yeah, and you just made it up.

It's like it's like our Palestine, basically.

It's really good.

We made it up.

You did a really good job.

You did a really good job.

We invented it.

You've given, yeah, you've got to do it.

It's basically Palestine for

eating disorders, so much pedophilia.

You should stop eating.

I finally got the Jewish accent.

I was watching that pedophile documentary.

What?

They all talk like that?

Oh, man, I'm not going to be able to do it.

Why is everyone watching this pedophile documentary?

It's nasty.

Come over here, little boy.

That's how they talk.

That's how Dan Schneider talked?

That's how the free, the, is it the Friedmans?

Oh, oh, capturing the Friedmans.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the fucking Hollywood pedophile, the Nickelodeon documentary.

No, that was crazy, but not as crazy as when I went down the Google hole of what Amanda Bynes is like now.

Do you see what she looks crazy?

Crazy.

Why is she looking like that?

Unrecognizable.

You know what I saw today?

What?

Eddie Winslow from Family Matters?

Yeah.

I got this from, I follow World Star Hip Hop on Instagram.

Of course.

He just did a porno with a

trans

porn actress.

That's fine.

Yeah, but he's back in the news.

He's going viral again.

Nice.

Good for him.

Yeah.

Well, Drake from Drake and Josh made a whole music video going, I can relate.

And at one point it pans over because he got molested.

And at one point, it just went over.

But he also did molesting too, right?

No.

Why did he get canceled?

Drug addict?

addicted underage girl underage girl guess what happened to him i just saw what go to his instagram

he's like a he's like a tv star in mexico now oh wow yeah they were like uh vamos like come come over drakey josh from the yeah documentary drakey hosh come come over drake

yosh yeah

drakey yosh come vamos or dan they never say jordan or dan yeah he's like uh just a tv personality in Mexico now.

Since the doc.

The doc did it?

I don't know what did it.

No, I guess.

He made a music video where it pans over to a cream for like five seconds.

Like, it lingers on cream.

And then you look up the cream, obviously, because of how long it stays on it.

And it's anal

like Fissure.

It's anal, like,

rub cream.

Like, when you cut your analysis.

Is that real?

That's real.

Isn't that crazy?

He did music video.

He's a musician.

Literally, the music video, it shows him going into a trailer with an older man as a boy.

Oh, God.

It's so on the nose.

It's crazy.

And then it shows him in a hospital bed and it trails over to cream.

And you're like, is that like sponsoring this music video?

And you look it up and you're like, oh my God, it's butt cream.

I mean, but it is like, it's pretty obvious why that industry attracts pedophilia because it's like people who's like children who are desperate to be famous and whose parents are throwing them into that.

Like, yeah, if you're like the guy deciding which child it is and a lot of pedophile you're like i'm gonna get that job the guy who decides which child goes on lizzie maguire and lizzie maguire when she auditions has to look pretty she has to kind of act like an adult in order to be funny and cheeky yeah exactly you know she has to be like i'm a

adult girl and they're like are you an adult

yeah that's what she sounds like i was watching the news when i was growing up i i never watched any of that crap i watched a lot of it really yeah no i watched

the the news.

You love Drake?

I was in love with him.

For the singer?

Drake of Drake and Josh.

Oh, yeah.

Have you ever looked up Drake's dad?

I don't.

No, I've never seen either.

What does he look like?

No, no, Drake of the Singers.

Oh, yeah,

of course.

Incredible.

Yeah.

So sick.

He's amazing.

Have you seen him rap?

Look up his rap.

His dad, his dad, apparently people are saying that his dad

was

getting pussy off of Drake and it was a little bit not okay

how he did it, or something.

Who cares?

Get to see where you find it.

The fucking Drake and Kendrick thing, it was like, it was just, it was a huge week for white people.

It was a huge week for

Drake Velasquez, shout out, told me that in the wrap-off, or whatever it's called, they didn't even say any faggy.

They weren't even calling each other gay.

It was just like, was it just like analytical, emotional banter back and forth?

No, it got to a place where Drake said you beat women, and then he said that you fuck kids.

Oh, you fuck kids is a good blow.

Yeah, yeah.

That's good.

And Drake is kind of stuck because he can't be like, oh, well, 17 is legal.

You can't.

Yeah, you can.

17 is legal.

You can't publicly.

Jerry Seinfeld.

Yes, you can.

It's crazy, Jerry.

Crazy.

It's crazy, Jerry.

It's crazy.

That was season five of Seinfeld.

That's when that was like must-see TV, the number one show on television.

How old was she?

15?

Like 17.

Shoshana?

She had big old fans, too.

She was hot.

17 is fine.

Yeah, yeah.

But Drake, in this day and age, Drake can't say that.

If it is 17.

Every 17-year-old looks like a fucking cum goblin right now, anyway, because they're all getting their boobies pumped up and their lip fillers filled in, and they all look little.

They're shaped to have a penis inserted.

Speak on that.

Speak on that.

Talk about that.

And then old women are just becoming more 17-year-old looking, and everybody's into kids now.

No one's talking about that either.

All these old women women that are trapping pedophiles they're like i thought you were 12 yeah and she's like no i want to get me a weed out

and he's like you to catch a uh yeah that that's like uh that's the new way they do it yeah yeah catch a catch an old bitch no they all look like peking duck there's two heroes in this world

marcus monroe Who's that?

A comic who can juggle really well who's married to a woman that's 15 years older than him.

I love that.

Paul Rudd, who has just a regular ass-looking wife.

He's a good guy.

Homely, if anything.

Yeah, yeah.

Love it.

I mean, I think that that is a...

Have you seen Pierce Brosnan's wife?

No.

He's got like a...

A bag of shit.

She's a big old gal.

Yeah, but is she like a beard?

Because like Hugh Jackman's beard.

It's gay.

I don't know.

But it is cool when someone has an ugly wife.

It's great.

Yeah.

I don't have that option.

I can't be like a really...

You could have an ugly wife.

Yeah, but I can't be like, oh, it's like, look at that ugly guy with his ugly wife.

He deserves that, right?

I can't be like, look at that sexy man with that ugly wife.

He must have a heart of gold or be gay.

Right.

Or be a gay guy with a heart of gold.

Or she's rich.

I automatically think she's rich.

Or she's rich.

Yeah, yeah.

I go, she's rich quick.

But Marcus Monroe, his wife, has a daughter that's like his age.

That's what's crazy.

Really?

Yeah.

And when a man does that,

it's very strange.

It's a pornographic film.

Isn't that interesting?

He's a hero, but a man doing that would be disgusting.

Would you ever date an old-ass man?

Yeah.

The problem is the breath goes.

The breath goes pretty well.

It really smells terrible.

I remember that from synagogue when I was a little kid.

Yeah.

Those old men would just blast you in the face with just the fucking.

It smelled like poo-poo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would go 50.

You'd go 50?

That's not old.

What about a 70-year-old man?

No, no, no.

You know what I just found out?

William Chatner's 93 years old.

Oh my god, he looks amazing.

I need to see what he looks like.

I need to see how old he is.

All right.

I hate podcasting.

We're doing a great job.

Are we?

What's the guy?

What's Ron White posted a video where he's like, my mom died?

She was 69 years old.

She's not 69.

In the video, he looks 85.

I think he's older than 69.

Oh, his mother is just so drunk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People's looks can really fall off suddenly or they could just like me.

I'm I look young for 37, but there's gonna be a day where I wake up and I'm just hideous.

I just like look like a disgusting woman,

like Fran Lebo, it's basically.

Yeah, you'll get to Fran pretty quick.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna look like a man pretty soon.

I mean, it's already starting to happen, but really.

I'm gonna go full, yeah, I'm gonna age like a Native American chief.

I'm just gonna get square.

How old are you?

30, almost 33.

33 years old?

33 on

May 28th.

Wow.

So are you freezing your eggs?

No.

So what are you going to do?

Okay, the abortion laws changed.

Have you ever caught a body?

Oh, no.

I've caught a lot of loads, no bodies.

I think it might be a spittoon dance.

It's happened twice.

It's happened twice.

Same girl?

Different girls.

Yeah, I just, that's great.

Yeah.

It's sad.

It is sad.

It's really sad.

It's really sad.

I'm really glad that

you had to do it.

It's not like, yeah.

I'm always worried about a whole Democrats, baby.

It's sad no matter what.

Like, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The first time.

Especially if you love the person.

The first time.

Well, if you don't, then you're like, fuck that guy.

I'm going to have my little buddy.

Yeah, I think it's the first time it happened.

I was like in my early 20s.

And we went and we got the address wrong of where the place was.

And we thought it was in the nice neighborhood.

And it was in a not-nice neighborhood.

And I had brought the New Yorker to wait in the lobby.

And they were like, lay that down and we'll cut it out of her.

Yeah, it was all like, it was all black dudes and me.

And I had the New Yorker under my arm.

And it was just like, there were guys with teardrop tattoos that were on the phone with their mom.

And they're like, Mama, that bitch lying.

She said it was like supposed to be $400, but it's like $600.

They said it was cash only, too.

I had to go to the ATM to pay for the murder.

Why didn't you leave immediately?

Hello.

Hey, come in.

Hi.

Welcome to hell.

Why didn't you leave?

Why did I leave what?

To go to a different clinic.

Because we, because, I don't know.

She went into the room.

I went in with my friend while she got a baby chopped out of her.

Sucked and chopped.

It was really intense.

Sucked and chopped.

At one point, she said, stop.

I changed my mind.

And they said, no, we already chopped it all up.

Like, they put it in

what do you call it?

They chop it, and then they sucked it before the pill.

They chop it inside?

Yeah.

Chop it up.

Suck it out.

Yeah.

Sushi style.

It should, it is kind of, it is against Christ.

Of course.

It is a little bit.

It's really bad.

It is a little bit.

It is against God's plan.

It's a little bit against Christ.

It sucks.

Yeah.

I'm for we have whatever the girls want, but it is like it is a little bit against Christ.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know.

Like,

yeah, that's a horrific thing.

Have you heard of this guy, Kermit Gosnell?

No.

There was this guy in Philly who was like the, like, they

there was like a uh, like the FBI bust busted him.

And he was like the, uh, the, the DIY,

like, uh, like, bringer of death.

And he was, like, doing, like, very unsafe abortion practices.

I think also, like, after, like, birth, he was, like, killing them.

I think they, they described the scene that they walked into, and it was, like, horrific.

Like,

placenta.

I'm going to pass out.

Why do we, what is the, what is podcast?

What is the point?

Why do we do, like I don't know?

It makes you money.

So just we could just hang out.

We could just hang out with each other.

We are hanging out.

And then we're just talking about this nasty stuff.

We can't say anything we really want to say.

We're at home and they're like, nah, where is Nick?

Where is Nick?

They're not saying that.

Where is Nick the Jew?

It's the Jew and this and the and the fucking that bitch.

That bitch and the Jew.

They're not saying that.

And he's and he repeated that story.

That story was from, that story was from 2018, May 3rd.

I have it on the spreadsheet.

He said it on Come Town.

Stop called him gay after he told that story.

Why are you turning all of a sudden?

Because I just don't want a podcast today.

I don't want a podcast today.

You don't have to.

I'm an actress now.

I'm an actress now.

What happened with the audition?

I'm an actress.

Guess what?

I had one taste of the Hollywood life going in for one audition.

And now

I've seen what I could be doing instead of this.

Chateau Marmont.

But what about the abortion made you feel this way?

What's the thing?

It's going to be the abortion thing.

It's because we talk about this nasty stuff.

Oh, yeah, you hate the nasty stuff.

I'm just sick of this.

We talk about that.

I thought you hate the nasty stuff.

It's just too gross.

We didn't talk about that.

We talked about the news or something or anything.

Yeah, and it's like still

birthed Gaza, still birth

prolapse anus guy.

And they're like, oh, don't, don't tell me.

Like, it's my First Amendment.

If we were hanging out, we'd be talking about our friends, and we're not allowed to talk about that.

We'd be talking shit about people.

That's all I want to do is talk shit about people.

I know.

Right?

It's really hard.

So let's just talk shit.

Okay, first, Mike Racine.

Huge dig.

NASA people.

Can't even do it.

Ridge wallet.

Okay, let's do an ad for this.

I lost my Ridge Wallet.

They're going to love this.

Okay.

Oh, my girlfriend said it's from Restoration Hardware.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

Okay.

She's trying to get a couch, guys.

And now, like, people know you're trying to get a couch.

That's fine.

I don't care.

This is against Christ.

You make you do nothing all day but put your penis between two giant titties.

You don't do nothing.

Just so that you do this.

Yes, you don't.

Don't do nothing.

You lounge around.

You just went to the Bahamas or wherever the fuck.

I went to Jamaica, and it was because.

Why would you go to Jamaica?

Because I have a lot of respect for what that culture has given me.

You went to Jamaica?

Yeah, why?

I don't know.

It seemed odd.

It's a tropical island.

How'd you like it?

Trump was right.

Shit a whole country.

Yeah.

No, I'm just kidding.

No, it was beautiful.

I love it.

Did you like the patois?

Is that why you went?

Because you got all into the chat hangs?

Yes, I've been doing Duolingo Patois.

And I went there and I was like, ear me now, ear me now.

Nice.

Dispi Adam Friedland.

I did my act.

I got

booed.

And then I did some daggering.

Do you know what daggering is?

No, yes.

No.

It's like the dance, the sexual dancing style they do.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Where it's like just

did you do that?

No.

Read the wallet.

I did it, and I hurt my penis.

How long were you there?

We don't have to talk about that.

See, we can't even talk about that.

We can't even talk about it.

Were you at a resort thing, or did you stay at like a little Airbnb?

Oh, nice.

I was with my friends from my Jewish friends

from

before.

From before.

From before the screen.

Sorry, I have a bad attitude right now because I'm an actress.

Is it because you're hungry?

No, I ordered you a salad.

No, I told you I had a hamburger before this.

Okay, we can cut all this.

I'm just.

Stop telling him to cut things.

It's going to be two minutes long.

That's fine.

That's what they get.

No, I like the freakout.

That's going to be must-see TV.

Guys, the Ridge wallet.

Ridge launched with a simple belief.

Ridge launched with a simple.

So embarrassing, guys.

Cut that.

Ridge launched with a simple belief that they can make wallets better.

I do like Ridge wallet.

And I lost one.

So, Ridge, if you're listening, please do.

Two Kickstarters over 10 years and over 5 million wallets later.

They're still starting every day with that same mentality.

Only now, it's to improve all the items that you carry every day.

So guess what, guys?

They've expanded their lineup to keychains, pens, backpacks.

I use the backpack, the Ridge commuter bag.

It's very good.

They have aluminum wallets.

They have RFID guards in their wallets.

Guys, they had a fucking Super Bowl ad.

They're only advertising on the show because

they feel bad for us.

Wallets,

no, they've actually been big supporters of the show.

Shout out to Rich.

But wallets for too long were designed to hold everything.

Receipts, gift cards, and anything else you can stuff in there.

I used to have condoms in there.

Well, years before I fucked.

I put a condom in there.

I think I had a condom in my wallet maybe six years before I actually had sex.

It's good.

That's like manifesting.

It's like Jim Carrey's write yourself a million-dollar check.

One day I'm going to use this.

And then I used it,

but it was a kind of more of a solo situation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Practice.

You ever do that?

Jack off into a

condom?

Did you do it after health class?

No?

When they gave us condoms in health class, I went home that day, afternoon, jacked off into it, just to feel like what it's like to

wear a condom.

I think he wanted to put you on mic and give you a voice modulator.

No, no, no.

Do you want to?

Do you do a voice modulator like

we're doing a documentary?

Yeah.

And then Diddy invited me to one of his pool parties.

He told me he wanted me to be a rapper.

I said, I've never even rapped before.

He said, don't worry about it.

Get on the couch.

They turned,

they turned, basically,

they turned everything on its head.

What is it?

I can't even read anymore?

Oh, okay.

Okay.

For too long, wallets were used to carry everything like gift cards and anything else you can stuff in there.

And then they turned it on its head they turned that on its head what does that even mean the copy's bad it is that like break dancing yeah they turned it on its head they turned that on its head it's a great company uh with their minimalist first approach to design so carry less and live more we have a lot of friends that use these microcene uses it huge cock uh you can build

The materials, guys, are solid quality products that and they use quality materials.

Basically, their approach is material first,

which I don't know what that means, but it sounds, that sounds good.

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, it sounds good.

It's good.

Yeah.

You can't feel it also.

You think you're going to not be able to feel it in your back pocket, but you can't feel in your back pocket.

Yeah, it's the micro-penis of Wallace.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what?

Multiple girls have told me that a guy

has brought, no, a guy has taken it out.

And

they're like, they felt bad enough to just let him.

100%.

Yeah.

100%.

You'd be so mean to say, nah-uh.

I've had a tiny penis unveiled, and I've been like, I'm gonna do that's so nice.

Yeah, what am I gonna do?

Get it out of here?

I've done, I've said get it out of here, do a big dick, because then I don't feel bad for you.

One time I had a bad day, and a girl I was dating gave me a two-hand,

and I was like, You don't need two-hands, but it's so

good.

She did it to be nice.

Yeah, that's really nice.

I'm like, that's really nice.

It's awkward when you try and do the two-hand, but they're not a two-hand guy because then you, you know, I have too big of a hand.

I can do a little bit two-hand

if it's a child.

But Ridge Wallet, never mind.

It's a great everyday carry.

So they've taken their innovative design and material approach to create products that you can rely on.

The items you carry every day are your tools for better living and make them something that you can count on.

Oh, look, look, look.

Ridge wallet.

Key thing.

I have a lot of people.

I love this key thing.

I love this key thing.

I hated it when I first got it, and now I really love it.

Yeah, you walk around, you got jingle, jingle, jingle in your pocket.

It's got good

torque.

Yeah.

It's torques.

Look at that.

That's a phenomenal.

You know, I have these keys bouncing around.

Bouncing around.

You know, and when you're sneaking up on someone from behind,

that completely blows your cover.

So you can keep it.

Can I ask you if, is this funny?

Every other culture calls.

Promo code tafts, ridgewall.com, discount, ridge.com, promo code tafts.

Go ahead.

Every other culture calls sneakers.

I don't like when you talk about different cultures.

Every other culture calls sneakers like tennis shoes, trainers, basketball shoes, trainers, and we call them sneakers.

What do you mean, every other culture?

In different parts of America, they say.

We're sneaking up on people.

Yes, let's go.

Yes, it beats the man.

There's something there.

But like, it's not a cultural.

I mean, like, in like Ohio, they probably call it something like, yeah, tennis tennis shoes or something no I don't think it's like that

you know the one of them skiing they're loud oh yeah dude Pete's the best wait what do you say I have a joke about black people that they are loud

okay sorry okay go ahead that they are loud but it's just because white people

I have a joke about black people being loud I apologize and but it's just because what yeah because they are loud they're loud

and it's just because white people have been scheming since the beginning of time and

that's the joke so that would go good with the sneakers thank you Pete.

So, they should learn how to scheme, too.

Yeah,

that's what the sneakers are for.

Maybe if you stop calling them basketball shoes, you quiet the fuck down.

Pete's my biggest fan.

I love this.

Pete's loving it.

Yeah, that's great.

He's loving it.

He's saving me all day.

He's loving it.

I'm doing nothing.

Dude, give him a mic.

P,

you want a mic in the control room?

Pete, is the food here?

Yeah, where are the salads?

enough.

How'd you do?

Do we have enough?

Yeah, we've got enough.

No, no, we'll get like another five minutes.

Five minutes.

And then we can have salads, talk shit about people.

Okay.

Okay.

That sounds great.

Just like Sex in the City, kind of.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you've never had anal?

That's what we're doing on the bottom.

Have you ever seen Sex in the City?

Every season.

Me too.

Multiple times.

Who's your favorite boyfriend?

Burger.

Thank you for asking.

Me, everybody.

She's the best.

No one says Burger.

Burger's the best.

No one says Burger.

Yes, when she hits him in the face with

you, he goes instead of pet.

I hate Aiden.

You know, he's back on the new show.

Yeah, I know.

They had to kill Big because he sexually assaulted everyone on set.

Do you want to know something really honest?

Yeah, go ahead.

Big.

Same exact thing.

No.

Big.

He's a multi-millionaire and he has a driver.

But it's the same dynamic.

What do you mean?

He calls you at night and he's like, hey, kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He's divorced.

Yeah.

He has a driver.

Yeah.

He died on a Peloton.

Yeah.

He sexually assaulted everyone on set?

100%.

I don't see you that way.

I see you as a Steve.

But everybody, you always say if it's an Aiden or a Big or a Burger.

Yeah.

And plenty of Aiden's.

Burger is the best because he's also a writer.

And

he's just like, this bitch is doing

shitty writing about getting her ass fucked and stuff.

And he's probably really good at writing.

And it probably drives him nuts.

Yeah, he was too.

And also, Ron Livingston, what happened to that guy?

Great actor.

Office space, Band of Brothers.

He has a show now.

He has a show now.

What is the show?

It's the show that you clicked the other day that we watched for two seconds and we're like, oh, it's really bad.

Remember?

No, no, no.

The other one, it was two seconds long.

I forgot what it's called, but Burger's the star of that one.

It's called something.

It has like an adaptation cover.

I don't know.

Wait, so she had a dream and then got mad at you from the dream?

You can say it quietly.

No one's hearing you.

Yeah, what is it?

Why do they do that?

They know that they, but they all...

I think it happened to me two months ago.

Yeah.

There's so mean in the dream.

Also, there is some honesty to it.

It knows who they are in your dream, and it is

completely uncharacteristic in the dream.

Because you just watch this person do a thing, and then you wake up and you're like, I can't really deal.

I don't want to talk about this.

This is so gay.

You brought it up and now

he wasn't here to defend himself.

I stood up for you.

I stood up for you.

I know that it's stupid to get mad.

Somebody in the dream do something bad and you wake up and they're next to you.

It's hard to not be like, oh, hi.

It's...

Oh, my God.

You know what I heard recently?

When one person starts checking the other person's phone, it's because they've either already done infidelity or they're considering infidelity.

So they want to catch the other person.

I've never checked a phone.

I've never checked a phone either.

Because anytime I've accidentally seen something, I always find, you know what I mean?

Like anytime I look over in any way, I always hurt my own feelings.

No, I know sushi.

You see sushi?

No, sushi.

The first time a girl ever asked me for a picture of my penis,

I said, really?

And so I just took

a picture, and she's, and I didn't know that.

Flaccid.

Yeah, it was flaccid.

And she said, she's like, you kind of ruined my day.

I was like, oh, I didn't know that.

I didn't know that.

It was

when that technology had just started.

Yeah.

You know?

On a razor?

Yeah, I sent it on a chocolate.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I sent it on a sidekick.

Next tail.

Beep, beep.

I sent it on a, yeah, where you at?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chirp, chirp, where you at?

Yeah, I've never really been, I get dick pics sent to me all the time from unknown numbers, all the time.

Really?

Yeah.

That's

very smart, brother.

Yeah.

It's the same person, and I block him and he keeps doing it.

Really?

Yeah.

What if it's someone you know?

We got to entrap this person.

I've tried calling and being like, leave me alone.

And then I just...

You called the number?

Yeah.

It's kind of funny just to lead with that, just a penis.

Like, eventually you'll be like,

all right.

yeah yeah

okay

fine it happens all the time he said he got my number from tinder a long time ago but then i looked it up and that it wasn't in the history i saw on the street there's a there's a guy uh in a car and he was uh street harassing a girl street harassing i got street harassed today and i yelled at him felt great but it's kind of a little fluffy no i got really mad today what did he say He was like, what's up, beautiful Bubba?

And I was like, stop.

I was like, please stop.

And he was like, no, you want to have sex.

got to do that.

And I was like, what are you doing?

He said, do you want to have sex?

No, but he was just like, he sounded like that?

Just the black nonsense.

You know, just better than this, but better.

You know, just Zadar.

Oh, insults the rice company.

Sorry.

Yeah, there was a guy in a car, and he goes,

He was just playing a saxophone, and I was like, get away from him.

He was playing a saxophone at you?

Oh, just saying black stuff.

Oh, fine.

Yeah, there was a guy in a car, and then he clearly didn't have his bit prepared.

Yeah.

He didn't have his line ready.

He just saw the girl, and he got so aroused that he was like, oh, I got to say something.

And then he just goes, please, please, please, please.

And he kept saying, please, I literally do that.

And then she stopped and she's like, what?

And he goes,

why are you so beautiful?

That's what he said.

And then he drove away because he was so embarrassed because he didn't have anything prepared.

My favorite is.

Why are you so beautiful?

A couple weeks ago, a guy drove by me and he goes, what's up?

He was like, what's up, baby?

And I turned him because his window was right next to me and I went, what is wrong with you?

And then we both were so like jarred by my reaction that we both just started laughing.

And he was like, I'll see you.

And I was like, bye.

This is good.

It is like a little bit like, I don't know.

It's like.

No, because it's never from the hot guy.

It's always from a gnarly dude.

And you're like, I hate that you're even considering me as an option.

I want you to not even see me.

I want to blend into the linens of New York.

I don't want to arrive on your radar.

The batting average of those guys, it's got to be very low.

I don't know.

I don't think it's ever worked.

I have friends who have fucked Uber drivers and stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

A booba car and stuff?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

You know, he was a doctor in his country.

I know.

That's why she did it.

I told my dad I made a doctor.

One of my friends fucked Chloe, fucked a FedEx delivery guy.

Whoa, that's like a

kind of a, you know, like

a porn thing, right?

It's an AIDS thing.

That's how you get HPV.

It's not good.

AIDS doesn't exist anymore.

I'm sorry for saying AIDS.

I shouldn't have said that.

HPV,

that's the thing that it's a very good thing.

Herpes or whatever.

Yeah.

That's so funny.

You have it too.

Yeah, but it doesn't do anything to God.

No, it's really fucked up.

It's because of our fish tank.

If you didn't have a fish tank, that wouldn't happen.

Yeah, I mean, I guess, like,

what was I saying?

Oh, yeah, the batting average has to be low.

But, like,

I don't understand.

Like, oh, I went to, like, I told you, I went to a lesbian bar with two lesbians.

Yeah.

And I was like, let's go to the club.

Yeah.

And they were like, there's just one bar left in New York City for lesbians.

Yeah, the hole, the bottle hole.

The cubby hole.

The cubby hole.

Dude, I got stalked from the cubby hole.

I went into the cubby hole with my gay friends, got a stalker,

and it was intense for a little bit there.

Patty.

At the blaze.

At the cubby home.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I was there and there was another guy there.

I thought I'd be the only guy, right?

And I was like, I was like, I'm about to pay respect to the culture.

And then there was another guy there.

And I saw him.

The second we walk in, he goes up to my girlfriend.

He's like, what's up?

How you doing?

And I was like, here?

Of all places here?

I was like, fuck off, bro.

And I was like, what the fuck is going on?

Like, this happened here.

And then I keep watching the guy all night.

And he's going around.

And at first, he's starting with the lipstick ones.

And then he's hitting up like Mad Ows.

He's hitting up Rapinos.

He's going Madow?

He's like, he's going.

Then he starts going for everyone.

And they're all like, you understand what this place is.

But like, at a certain point.

It's kind of a good move.

Lesbians do require the dick sometimes.

That is.

At a certain point, I'm like, this is the most amazing man I've ever seen in my entire life.

He is doing the right thing because lesbians do crave cock.

and if they're not getting a woman, then they will just do that.

I don't think that's yes, they do.

I dude, I've my moms, they do it.

Not one of them gags.

They fuck guys

occasionally.

My mom, my biological mom, she'll go get some people.

Because they can't have sex with each other.

Yes, right, because they don't have vanities.

No, but like, at a certain point, it's like that guy,

like,

what like what happened?

And then I went up to him again.

I was like, what's what's what?

What are you, like, what are you doing?

Like, I, I'm, like, fast.

I just have to know.

And then he was too drunk to even explain it.

Oh, well, that's true.

But I'm like, is this your thing?

Is getting turned down by lesbians like your thing?

Is it wasted a guy who wandered into a bar and went, so many ladies, profit.

Lesbians.

Dude, the ratio is popping in here.

That's what happened.

Really?

I saw that.

No, there's Woods.

Woods is another gay bar.

What's Woods?

Woods is in Williamsburg.

It sucks.

But I've been there a million times.

But it's for chicks?

Both gays.

Do lesbians even have songs?

Yes, a a lot of set.

Oh, they have gays.

Come to my window.

Who's that guy?

I'll be home.

Who's this?

I'll be home for Christmas.

Crow, whoever crow.

I'll be home for Christmas.

This is a lesbian.

Come to my window.

I'll be home soon.

Come inside.

That's lesbian.

Because gay guys are.

Dixie chicks.

It's like the vibe.

Oh, Dicks for Christmas.

The vibe of that place was so, like, it was so somber.

It was so, like,

I just got to get out of this town.

Like, that kind of thing.

It's dude's tight in there.

But, like, at a gay place, they're like, you know, they're making it rain.

They're like,

gross.

Like, do you believe in life after love?

It's too much.

It's like

a carnival, you know?

At that place, it was like, it was like a...

Yeah, lesbians are sad people.

Oh, my God.

These people don't fucking care.

We have to just fucking talk and fucking.

Oh, my God.

You're flipping again.

What's going on?

All right, let's call it.

Let's call it.

Let's just have salad.

Okay.

Any final thoughts?

Closing thoughts?

No.

I'll be, guys.

I'll be.

I'm starting a solo pod called R.I.P.

Jordan Jensen.

Really?

Yep.

Is Ian cool with that?

He promoted it.

Oh, my God.

Good boy.

Wow.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

You're all alone?

Like Bill Bird?

No, no, no.

I'm not a bad person.

I'm not a good people on, but non-comics people.

It's like psychology, philosophy stuff.

Okay, so keep it a lookout for that.

Another podcast

in comedy.

Guys, I'll be in London.

I think Vancouver made it.

London.

Spokane,

a bunch of dates, and then I think I'm going to do a special in the fall and then

to kill myself.

Don't do a special.

There's too many specials.

Wait.

Don't do a special.

You got to wait.

You got to wait.

Don't do a special.

I've been doing stand-up for 13 years.

Yeah, you got to wait.

What's the point of it?

Do you have to wait?

It's a boom right now.

You got to wait for it to calm down.

A boom in specials?

You think specials are going to stop?

They're going to slow down.

And then I do my special?

Yeah.

When is that going to happen?

Next year.

Next year?

Yeah.

How do you know?

Ari Shafir sat me down and talked to me about it.

Oh, Ari Shafir's nothing?

Yeah.

Yep.

You don't think another comedian telling another comedian, don't do a special?

You don't want it to be stop, Nick, and then you, oh, I have one too.

Wait a second.

Just wait.

Yeah, but what if I have

one of the finest comedy specials of all time?

That's what we all think we have, but the thing is that we don't.

Just wait.

What's Ian's called Live, Laugh, Love?

That's funny.

Wild, Happy, and Free.

Oh, my God.

Keep an eye out for my special.

It's called Pimp Chronicles 3.

Check out Wild, Happy, and Free.

Don't

check out Death Chunk.

What's Death Chunk?

You?

Yeah.

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