The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Lev Fer - Episode 53

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Good afternoon, evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

It is May 10th,

which is a

little late.

Is May 10th?

Is that a special day?

I think it's when Mexicans stop being hungover from May 5th.

Cinco de Mayo.

I think that's it.

Is that a drinking holiday for them?

Or is that just...

I feel like that just got co-opted by...

I think that's every day.

When you take the train home, it's just Mexican guys getting hammered after construction gigs.

Everyone takes a train home or just you.

No, like whenever I, like yesterday I'm on the train, I see like these Hispanic bros just passing out, like holding fucking beer cans.

Everybody talks about how awful the train is.

Yeah,

I don't really experience that because I feel like I take the train at normal commuter hours

and you don't see any of that.

And all the people that complain, they're like, oh, the train's filled with homeless people jacking off and there's shit everywhere.

Yeah.

It's like, well, you're riding the train and jacking off and shitting everywhere hours.

Yeah.

It's like maybe if you weren't a fucking degenerate and you like were at home with your family at 3 a.m.

Well, if I get on the train at 10 o'clock, there's like people openly shooting heroin at my stop now.

10 a.m.

10 p.m.

Oh, okay.

But somebody told me, they go, that's how you know it's a safer stop.

What do you mean?

Like, say, because safe now means the police aren't there.

Depending on who you're talking to, safe means police are nowhere to be found.

If you called them, they wouldn't show up.

You think that's safe?

That's how

some people see the police as the.

No, I hate it.

had this thought like my fear is one of these junkies is going to stab me with a fucking heroin needle but then I realized they'd never waste heroin like that well all they don't really need to waste the heroin to stab you with the needle but also on top of that you you probably wouldn't even know if I got stabbed with a needle you're saying I'm so fat I wouldn't know no they're hypodermic needles there so you wouldn't like you probably wouldn't even realize

I would feel I would definitely feel that that's why it's like

you know I feel like people are assassinated constantly yeah I don't think heart attacks are even real.

I think it's just somebody's.

I feel like we've both had heart attacks in our lives.

I know, but I think that was done to me by

Stop Rose.

I think Stop Rose.

What caused his?

He shot me.

He didn't have a heart attack.

No, I'm kidding.

That's what I'm saying.

Why would I have a heart problem, but not him?

Yeah.

It's, it was part of, I said something he didn't like about grease and fucking big grease.

Big Grease tried to show me that.

Cocaine versus mayonnaise fight you guys are having cocaine versus mayonnaise.

Who's going to stop who first?

We should have, instead of the Adam Friedland show, that should have been the post-comtown show, was cocaine versus mayonnaise.

By the way, I love the idea, too, that Stav is just at home eating mayonnaise.

That he got that size from fucking mayonnaise.

Just trying to eat like mayonnaise.

Not even good meals.

Yeah.

Just mayonnaise off a spatula.

Out of the jar.

Just stress eating.

He's like, that's my kryptonite.

It's fucking jars of mayonnaise.

By the way, fucking Invasion of Rafa begins and Adam Friedland, nowhere to be seen.

Nowhere to be seen.

But also, welcome Lev

Fair to the show.

And this is crazy because

I have like a Berenstain Bears thing with you because we met, I don't know, what, 10 years ago or something?

Yeah, a long time.

And I could have sworn for six months that you had a different name.

What did you think of it?

That it was like a different name on show.

Something as dumb as your regular name.

You thought it was Lev Halkis?

Well, like Riv Rop.

Maybe I was confusing you with Lil Rel.

I think I was.

Very alike.

Now that I thought about it, well, it's the same amount of letters.

Yeah.

Blackness.

Yeah, I just, in my head,

I would do that.

Like, this is why I don't think I'm

racist.

I have, like, my head will just sometimes...

Like, I don't want to remember things, and it'll do it with people where I'll be like, ah, this is the same.

This is the same person.

Like, you're like, I'm not racist.

And then people are like, you know what?

I'd be like, Rena Flora?

Yeah, a little Rel.

Lil Relfer.

Yeah, well, no, I remember I moved to Austin, and there were two female comedians.

There was multiple female comedians, but Ruby Collins and Carrie Lendo, who are both white women with brown hair

for seven months.

It was like, that's the same person.

And I knew that couldn't be true.

Like, I had heard both names, but even at 20 years old, 19 or whatever, I was like, these are interchangeable.

I mean, is there any chance they're both still doing comedy?

I think Ruby,

no.

See, yeah.

So what?

I don't learn a female comic's name until she's on Netflix.

They were both funny.

It's just it's Austin had a culture of it's a lazy town.

Yeah.

You know, Austin was, Austin was sort of spoiled, I would say, back then.

Yeah.

It was shocking.

Like, if you had done comedy literally anywhere else and you went to Austin, it's it's like people with like five, ten minutes that have like two TV credits, like half the scene.

Right.

You know, they would just get things.

Austin would send somebody to.

I did, I did New Faces.

Yeah.

And it was just because I was an Austin guy that year.

It's not like I was a good comic.

I was, they kind of gave me a wink and a nod this year.

Austin gave you a wink and nodded.

No,

JFL.

The city of Austin gave you a nod.

What do you mean they gave you a wink?

No, like I did the fucking nod.

You're either booked or you're not.

I did the audition the first round.

This isn't like

you're on shore leave in the 1940s.

They fucking

yeah.

Oh, wow, man.

I did the audition.

Maybe I can get a date with this.

The Booker lady was totally into me.

Who's booking it now?

They have like a fucking panel of people who really know comedy.

Yeah, because it used to just be Jeff Singer.

Yeah, and then he did his funniest bit of all time.

Oh, yeah.

Yelling the N-word at a bar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pretty great.

But I did the audition, had a hot set.

The lady who was like watching came up to me the next day and was like, my boyfriend was talking about you all night.

And you were his favorite.

And obviously we'd love to have you for the next round.

And when you get to Montreal, do all this shit.

She was giving me all that.

And then I was like, oh, shit,

this might be the year.

And then I was talking to Schultz about it at the fucking seller.

I was like, yeah, I'm trying to get this JFL thing.

Literally.

10 hours later, they're like, this is bankrupt.

Yeah, it's also, it's worthless.

Yeah.

It doesn't do anything.

I know.

Yeah.

But you still want, like, if that's completely gone, you never got that fucking validator?

No, if I could go back and give comics advice 10 years ago, if I could step out of a time machine and they'd say, like, what can I do to get, you know, like a TV spot?

I would just say, buy Bitcoin.

Just buy.

Just, that's it.

That's in here, Ruby.

There's no other, that's the best advice you could give anybody, but probably still now.

It's funny how that's always been a thing where if you're an idiot and you look at Bitcoin, you're like, I should have bought it.

Yeah.

And then, but that'll continue for for the rest of your life.

It's going to be worth a single Bitcoin is going to be worth $80 billion.

When I'm like 50, and I'm going to be like, ah, fuck.

Yeah.

I had a friend.

Back when it was a billion.

I had a friend in high school who he was like the nerdy kid.

He invested all of his time and money into building computers that could mine like Bitcoin, essentially.

And when none of us, nobody knew what the fuck that was.

We were all just like even 4chan kids.

We didn't know.

He's probably like owns a fucking island somewhere right now, just being a pedophile.

I guess what I would like to see is how many people have actually cashed out.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I never, I've never, I'm always living in debt.

I'll never have the.

There's also just like the

like,

there's got to be multiple people that are living awful, just terrible middle-class lives.

Yeah.

That have a USB drive somewhere.

Fucking somewhere.

That is just like they're just, they haven't slept in 10 years.

Every time it goes up, they breathe a sigh of relief when it crashes.

But then every time it goes up, they're just like fucking vomiting.

It's just something that they had, like back in college.

Yeah.

They graduated.

I thought you were going to say that have like a USB drive that's like lost somewhere.

That's what I mean.

It's lost somewhere.

Yeah.

I'm not meaning they have a USB drive filled with child pornography.

Yeah.

She's like, he's like, where is it?

He's like, she's like, I flushed it.

They were going to find it.

Yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

We needed that USB drive.

Instead of a girlfriend, it's just you.

It's your fault.

What?

Because you're acting it out?

It's because you're absent-minded and disorganized.

And then this very basic thing is the reason your life sucks, Dick.

You had a fucking get-out-of-jail-free card, and you just misplaced it.

You're speaking directly to me right now.

Oh, dude.

I played poker till 8 in the morning

online, just losing money.

Well, it's funny.

I was just talking to Pete about that because it was supposed to, we were scrambling to get the, we have to get the episode out this week.

Yeah.

Jordan Jensen, I think she's sort of the go-to.

Yeah.

I say, hey, can you do the podcast?

Microcene's going to Europe.

Okay.

Which, I don't know why he just doesn't say Italy.

Like, we're supposed to pretend he's going somewhere else.

He's doing fake dates.

Oh, I'm going to Europe.

No, you're going to go overdose on fucking pasta.

He's doing something.

He smoked too much fish somewhere.

Yeah.

It's like an MF Doom sent, like fake.

He's got like fake micro scenes out there.

He's going to hear that and get mad.

He's probably not going to Europe or Italy.

You think it's easy to talk about autism in London?

Let's put it this way.

If Microcene posts anything

trying to demonstrate that he's anywhere but Italy, it's all lies.

He's doing it just to make me look like a liar.

But I know Mike.

Usually I have Jordan come by, and then Jordan agreed to do it and then texted me very early this morning that she

miscalculated her time.

She has to fly somewhere.

Oh, okay.

Not Italy.

But she had to fly somewhere.

So she.

She sent her to tail, scene.

So I asked you at 7 a.m., and then you tell me, yes, I'm still up from the night before.

I can come do it now at 7 a.m.

or I can sleep and we can do it later.

Yeah.

To which I said, please go sleep.

And I said three alarms.

I'm like, because I always miss podcasts.

I've missed like Shane's pod twice.

I'll just be sleeping till 6 p.m.

Yeah.

And I'll answer the text eight hours later and be like, you still doing it?

But I was talking with Pete about this.

Why are you going?

He said, this is a regular.

Sorry, Pete, for doxing you, by the way.

I don't think it matters.

I don't think people.

I think we're post-uh

interest level in the show being like, oh, a name.

Let's let's research everything about that.

Let's fucking get their social security number so we know more about the lore of who Pete is.

And, you know, like, what kind of, what kind of mayonnaise is Pete like?

You know, it's not, uh, we're not at that level anymore.

But the, uh, uh, why do you do that?

Why do you go to bed at a.m.?

I don't know.

I just uh

it seems like it's a stupid comedian thing.

It's when I stop it seems like it's a very stupid, like, well, you know, I got

my spots all night.

Like you're an ER doctor.

That's how I justify it.

It's but it's don't.

You're let what time, what is the latest spot you could possibly have?

I got a 1.15 tonight.

So go to bed at 2.15.

That's crazy.

By the time I get home, it'll be like 2.30 or 3.

No.

It'll be at least.

Don't you live in Midtown?

Yeah.

Yeah, you live in Midtown.

So you live fucking a 10-minute walk from the comedy.

You think I'm walking it?

So even a five-minute cab.

You're off stage at 1:15.

You're off stage at 1:30.

Go home, brush your teeth, and go to sleep.

First of all, I don't brush my teeth before bed.

Then go to bed even earlier.

That was a trick.

That was a trick to get you to admit that you could be in bed even earlier.

No, but by the time you like unwind, by the time you use water from the show, use one of your Mando wipes to remove.

Use your body wipes.

You get home.

You take a quick body wipe, shower.

You can fall asleep an hour after a set.

Yeah.

That's psychotic to me.

Yeah, I can fall asleep whenever I want.

I need to smoke a cigarette.

I need to fucking relax.

What I can't do is stay asleep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My least favorite feeling.

I've slept in between shows on the road.

Really?

Sometimes, because I'll go say hi to people.

Usually there's not a lot of time.

Yeah.

But

I've I've had some nights where it's like, God, I'm wired after sets.

I'm fucking, but I hate when you go to sleep at night and you wake up in the middle of the night and it's still dark out.

I fucking hate that feeling.

It makes me feel like I'm completely alone in the world.

What do you mean?

Like, you go to bed, you wake up, you know, you can wake up to piss or something.

It's still pitch black outside.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

That just like gives my brain an awful feeling.

I hate it.

So you mean if you go to bed at like 2

at 2 a.m.

Yeah.

And you wake up at 3 a.m.

and it's dark out.

Or like 4 or 5, that'll keep me up.

I think I'm scared of the dark.

Oh, really?

I think that might be what it is.

That's interesting because my entire life, nothing has been more depressing to me than seeing the sun come up and I haven't gone to bed yet.

Oh, I love it.

It's comforting to me.

I see the sun come up and I'm like, ah.

Fuck.

No, that really, that makes me feel like a piece of just an absolute.

Hey, when I see the sun come up, I'm like, thank God no nuns are prowling around my bedroom at night.

No, it's not.

I've been watching the nun movies.

Oh, those are good.

They're pretty good.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't tell if I re-watched the conjuring or I saw it for the first time.

It's a banger of a movie.

Yeah, it's good.

It's a banger.

They're like all they're all Burger King.

They're all like just fucking fun.

That's a, I mean, I'm not going to go after you for that.

No, what's your take on Burger King, dick?

That's insane.

You don't like Burger King?

No, but just like having, what is it called?

Like synthesia, where you like, like, people can like hear colors.

Yeah.

To be so fat, you watch the conjuring and you're like, oh, this is like Burger King.

I'm making a fucking example.

I'm saying it's like comforting.

It's garbage.

But it doesn't like...

But I think I hear lettuce.

As opposed to the Exorcist, which is McDonald's, obviously.

You're just a movie reviewer.

Well, I know, but I mean, it's just, that's insane.

That's an insane thing.

It's not that crazy.

People got it at home.

They know what I mean.

It's a whole fat to be, I guess.

Yeah,

I mean,

I'm just saying, it's like junk food that's comforting.

It's like easy, you know.

Look, I've already destroyed one friendship by going by going too hard.

I love it.

Everybody can live their life however they choose.

I love that story you told of me and you did like a duo set at the stand one night.

And I remember, this was like right after the pandemic.

Oh, that was so funny.

Yeah, there were pictures of that show, and you were like, I look so fat.

And I was like, I look like Brack's dad.

I'm just like, I am like a miniature person.

But I remember it hadn't hit me like how fat I'd gotten from the pandemic.

Like, I hadn't really, I hadn't accepted it.

And then I was looking at the photos.

I was like,

somebody's camera's fucked up.

Like, there's no way this is like what I look.

And I was literally genuinely asking, is this really what I look like to the world?

And you were like, you got a real kick out of it.

You were like, yes.

And Bonnie was like, no, you're not that fat.

It's okay.

Well, it's a picture.

You know what I mean?

It's like.

I bet your fucking cameras are going to make me look fat here, too.

Actually, these are surprisingly surprisingly, like...

What's that?

Yeah, they're slimming, and they're also, like, they make you feel kind of, like, proportional.

I don't know, because I'm on the other end of the spectrum.

Yeah.

I take pictures with people.

You're starting to come over to our city.

Even people I think I'm the same size as.

I'll like take pictures of, like, I'll talk to them, and we're seeing eye to eye.

And then I take a picture, and it's like, what am I, like,

it doesn't even look like a child or a short person.

It looks like somebody outlined me with the lasso tool and then just short.

Cropped you in, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like you and the rock.

This weird, like they had to edit like a billboard or something.

Like flat standard.

Like the billboard went out and they're like, oh, fuck.

We forgot to add the doctor.

How tall are you?

I'm five.

Is this public knowledge?

I don't want to blow up your spot.

Well, because here's the problem I have because I am short, right?

So I don't care.

Like, I don't give a fuck what my height is.

I'm not like measuring myself at home.

The only reference I have to what what height I am is

when I go get a physical, which now has been close to a decade.

Yeah,

they measure you and they tell you what height you are.

If I stand up completely straight, I am over, I'm 5'8.

That's not that bad.

It's not that bad.

But I also walk around slouching all the time and I'm never fucking.

Yeah.

So you're 5'8 and a quarter.

Well, the problem is because

if I say I'm 5'8, you get a bunch of people, men in between 5'7 and 5'10, they get very angry.

Yeah.

Because that is like a war zone height territory.

No, I mean it.

They all just.

What's your shoe size?

A 9.5 or 10, depending on the.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then I got small hands, too.

Are we just doing a physical freebook?

No, no, no.

Look,

put your hand up to mine.

Well, I guess your hands are kind of small.

I'm kind of small, too.

But, yeah, I mean, I have like a, I feel like I have like a.

Maybe it's dysmorphia.

I don't think it's dysmorphia.

Because people tell me I have dysmorphia.

Yeah.

But then I'm also fat.

And I'm, so I'm like, well, do I.

I don't think you're fat, but I love that you're slowly creeping over.

I don't know.

You're going to snap and do a disciplined thing.

I've been fatter than this.

Yeah.

I think it was when I was 27, I got, I told, I told you, I got up to 195.

Yeah.

So that's 20 pounds heavier.

It's about 25 pounds heavier than I am now.

I've never been that light in my adult life.

195.

195.

That'd be like.

If I could get down to 250, that'd be like a dream.

Yeah.

That'd be amazing.

Yeah.

Well,

dear God, please don't ever let that happen to me.

I remember.

Dude,

dear, sweet Lord Jesus, please allow me to remain a tiny cartoon guy.

Nick is the worst person to do stand-up in front of when you're fat because you'll just see him like on the side of the stage in the wings.

Look how fat he is.

I remember like one time.

Oh, I got a kick.

I was at the stand the other night.

Zach and Miko having to sit down for a four-minute set.

They had to bring a special chair on stage.

It's called a wheelchair, Nick.

No, it's not even a wheelchair.

No, no.

Can you imagine him in a wheelchair?

Just immediate blowout?

What's that?

What's the John Travolta movie?

Blowout.

What's the premise of it?

I haven't seen that one.

You haven't seen it.

Anyways, real quick,

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Look, man, I'm not, unlike you, this is, I'm winding down.

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I brought it up on another show, but I did a podcast with Lewis once, and he was like, what my age is now?

I'm 35.

I'll be 36 soon.

And Lewis said, I feel like I have one hot left in me.

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And I was like, Fuck, I hope I don't ever get to that point where I just, I'm like, I can only not be a fat piece of shit one last time.

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He's got to fucking get it back in gear.

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I feel bad kind of throwing him under the bus, but because he is newly, it was like he just, his relationship just ended.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

Yep, that's it.

That's good on that for that one.

Anyway, so Lewis walks up to this

ass young female comic, and you just see like the wheels, the gears spinning, and he goes, Yo, I'm like, sorry, look up for like disrespecting your art.

Like, I just never knew you were so good at this.

Oh, my God.

Like, right, like, what fucking three-year comic is I gonna fall for that hook light and sinker?

He just fucking hits DeRosa's playbook on all of them.

That is, that is down bad.

That's down bad.

We got to get.

She's about to be on Skank Fest.

Oh, really?

I'm sure.

Yeah.

But that's not really.

I mean,

you know, anyone can get on Skanks Fest.

Yeah.

Can't they?

I think you got to get it approved by a panelist.

You just have to smoke enough, like, you have to hit the giant bong.

There's a bong contract.

You have to go Kratom receipts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You do Kratom, right?

I do.

I don't know what the fuck Kratom is or does.

That's kind of a a secret.

I've been keeping that a secret.

No, it's not really a secret.

I do sometimes, I'll do, like, I'll take a handful of them before

shows.

And what does it do?

It just, it's like mild.

It's like the world's shittiest fucking Percocet, basically.

It takes the edge off a little bit in a way that, like, and I had to quit drinking again.

I stopped drinking for like nine years and then started again really when I started like, because I it's funny I think about it and it's like oh well I've technically been doing stand-up for close to 20 years yeah but I mean the last decade I was barely doing it and you know like since because come town was ending I didn't know what the fuck else to do it's like it's not like I can go get a job I was like oh I guess I'll just try to extract as much money as I can out of this dying audience the idea of you getting like a normal job is the funniest thing yeah well I was I was like this backlog of this catalog that you have I think you can now I think we're posting.

Now that, like, I don't think after, I think, like, the Israel thing kind of put a stop to, yeah.

Like, it's now that's done.

Yeah.

Right?

It's like, you think it was Israel that took like PC out?

I don't know if it took a PC out, but things are in such like a contradiction now.

Like, it's the thing that has broken sort of like where the lines fall and all this culture war stuff.

Because I thought it would last forever.

When COVID happened,

like, COVID kind of like broke my mind where I'm like, oh, I just got to not participate in any of this stuff yeah yeah because

you had Trump in office and then the vaccines were coming out and he's like they're great I love them I want to have sex with them and fucking you know I mean this is I don't even roll this story out everybody's familiar with it you have like Democrats and fucking and the other one you know you like people on Twitter that are like the big lib accounts being like I'm not taking that fucking vaccine then as soon as Biden's in office it's like well if you don't take the vaccine you're a fascist or whatever

You didn't get vexed, right?

Yeah, but I mean, I was, it's, no, I didn't.

There's a lot of things I don't do.

I didn't brush my teeth either.

So, but the, the, the thing with, with, with that, it's like, and this has nothing to do with the vaccine.

It was just very much that it's like, okay, so now chips seem to just be falling wherever they met.

Yeah, yeah.

And like, but now with this one, it's not, I mean, you kind of see them trying to do it, but it's like it's this polarizing issue, and now it feels like it's breaking up.

There's like a realigning

happening where,

yeah, I don't think.

I don't think people are going to get canceled anymore.

And I'm not very good at like

A, thinking, but B, definitely articulating whatever thought I have is.

But yeah,

I don't think there's going to be the wherewithal for...

I don't, because it's like,

what have I done?

Fucking Indian accents?

You know, like, who's going to fucking

whip up a shitstorm storm to get me fired from

whatever job?

I don't even know.

I don't know.

Just the idea of you working at a Staples

while you're managing.

I was in the back office of the Season 16.

So I would try to get a job for one of these fucking or do startups still exist?

I'd be like, look,

I'd be like, look, I know everything about podcasting.

Hire me as a consultant.

And then I would just take their money.

I would continue grifting.

Yeah, yeah.

Just not from a beloved audience anymore.

I'd figure out a way to do it from investors.

But

I'd take a couple of kratoms.

Because the thing is nice about it is it does take the edge off before going on stage, but in a way where

it doesn't slow me down.

And

drinking does.

If I would get drunk before show, I'm like, I just do shittier.

You think you do better.

I hate drinking before it's up.

Yeah.

Because

it's very hard not to see the...

And maybe it's because I like spent a long time just as a feature act or something, but it's very hard not to see the entire process of stand-up as something that's kind of like confrontational.

Yeah.

You know, and because like the reality is for the

majority of people, they paid money because they want to go laugh and stuff.

Right, right.

And you want them to laugh and you want everyone to have a good time.

Yeah.

And like, you know, it's like, but

just to get in that mindset of like, okay, well, if you can really appreciate that, then there should not be any pressure.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like, there shouldn't be anything to like worry about.

Oh, you mean for you, like, as a performer?

Yeah, yeah, for me.

But it is always like, oh, well, these people

want to see you fail.

And, you know, I just hate, like, dude, you know, that, like, if I've had a couple drinks and I'm like talking to somebody in the crowd or something like that, I just feel the fucking gears going so slow.

And like, like, where I would have a line sober, I just want.

I'll just be like, yeah, anyway.

And I'll just blame them and be like, you're fucking boring.

It's like I'm just a hammered guy on stage.

Yeah.

I hate that.

Yeah,

I can't do crowd work at all.

No?

No.

I feel like, don't you put out clips?

Kyla might.

It might be recorded, but I have to just check out all that shit.

Yeah, yeah.

I fucking, I hate all that shit.

Yeah.

Also, I will be at,

I think it's sold out now.

There's not an opportunity to add shows, but I will be at Helium in Philadelphia next week.

There's tickets left for the, I think there's like maybe, maybe about 10 tickets left for the Thursday night late show.

Um,

and then, yeah, so come out to that.

That'll be fun.

That's, that's a fun,

fun club to do.

I don't know.

I just hate, I hate getting in the weeds with stand-up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh.

Watch any good movies lately?

Huh?

You see any good movies?

The Conjuring.

Everything comes back to the Conjuring.

Yeah, and then I watched something else.

We watched something.

I saw Civil War.

I watched that.

I haven't seen that.

Yeah.

Did you like it?

I did.

Yeah.

And then I

feel like I successfully avoided a lot of the,

it seems to be...

I feel like that movie, without having really looked into much of the,

what's it called?

Like discourse.

Yeah.

It seems like something like that is like a movie called Civil War

right now is doomed from the start.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, like you're going to get just people online that are like,

well, you better not get it wrong.

You know, like you better, you better think the Civil War looks exactly like it does in my head.

Right, right.

As someone whose entire value, personal like self-worth is tied up in this idea that I spend all day long diagnosing societal problems on Twitter and then I have no real actual, I can't do anything else.

What are the two sides of the movie?

It's like Texas and California have teamed up against the united states but it's not really clear and it's like that's not really the point of the movie to make any kind of like yeah clear political point it's just like it's supposed to be how it feels as an artist to be in a world where there is it feels like there's a civil war there's all this contention there's these two sides and you're simply just a like a voyeur

And

like, what does that feel like?

And how do you represent that with images?

And that's all the movie is.

I feel like it reminded me a lot of,

like, I feel like if John Carpenter had directed it and scored it,

nobody would be complaining about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It feels a lot like Escape from New York.

I just watched, he did the thing, right?

He did.

Yeah, I just watched that for the first time.

It was fucking great.

I hate sci-fi.

I've been putting off all those, and I just watched

that.

And what's the An Alien?

for the first time.

Oh, the first one?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good movie, too.

Good movies.

Alien 2, I did not like.

No, they got another one coming out.

Oh, really?

I think.

Right, Pete, is that right?

Yeah, there's another alien coming out.

Yeah, it's coming out this summer.

Is it about the migrants?

Yeah.

Yeah, see, I like those.

And that's the other thing.

There's been like

a

because I liked Prometheus and Copy.

Me too.

Yeah.

They were fun.

I enjoyed the backstory.

It kind of like this whole thing.

I love the idea that, like, oh, there's a fucking weird muscle man race that made the alien Aaron Burke.

Yeah, he says,

exactly, yeah.

They were like fucking bodybuilders and made the alien and people.

And we have this shared kind of DNA.

That's cool.

Now, I think about all the movies I've seen, and I'm like, oh, shit, dude.

That's what it did to me.

I got a big laugh during Prometheus.

I was like 13.

We were watching the movie theater and my friend had this really hot sister.

You know that scene where the fucking alien just goes down the dude's throat?

Like, it just like, he basically like deep throats this alien.

I was like, I'm gonna have your sister tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

Huge pop.

That's now that's awesome.

The entire theater laughing.

It was mostly me.

The entire movie theater.

Me and one other friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah, no, that movie, like, and I don't know, I don't know.

When did Prometheus come out?

Was it, Pete?

Do you know if it was Prometheus or Covenant that people shit on the most?

It was Prometheus, right?

No, it was covenant that it was, I think it was covenant that Covenant is after.

Whichever one they shit on, I feel like it's just because it came out at the time of like,

so it was like interstellar and gravity, and there was all of these sci-fi movies that came.

There was like this obsession with like realism and technical accuracy in like 2013 to 2014.

Yeah, and there was, so that was one of those movies that people are like,

How could he take his helmet off?

And it's like, it's a movie.

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

That's you saying that in the theater?

Yeah.

Just enjoy the movie for the fucking story.

The science.

Okay, god.

Yeah.

And then there was all this stuff that came out that I thought sucked, dick.

Like Arrival.

That movie fucking stunk.

I heard somebody talking about this movie the other day.

Isn't it Aliens Pull Up on Long Island?

It's the aliens show up and they have to figure out what the aliens' language is.

And the whole movie, it's like they got these like consultants that were like actual linguistics professors.

And they're like, their language is time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's actually a shit.

It's you as a podcast consultant.

They're like, isn't there language time?

Like, you know, and then people, there's all these articles that are like, you know, we checked it out.

That's actually how the professors think about it.

That would be real if that happened.

But then the movie ends and it's like this gay love story that's fucking at the end.

It's like fucking Jeremy Renner turns to Amy Adams and he's like, you know, the fucking sickest part about this wasn't meeting the aliens.

It was actually, it was meeting you.

That's That's the last line in the movie.

It's just fucking

some dumb shit.

Anyway, I hate it.

She's like, we figured out their language and our love language, Jeremy.

Yeah.

And then Interstellar, the same thing.

But really quick, I would love what it would actually look like if aliens pulled up to Long Island.

Yeah.

How the people there would react.

They would be beaten with

two by fours.

The local Home Depot.

They would be

dragged behind the Harley-Davidson.

Just a trail of slime.

They're Jews.

Yeah.

No, they got plenty of of those there.

Long Island's such a weird place.

Yeah.

It's like Jews and Italians and like they come together over like Billy Joel and like being bikers and and then they love Trad.

They love Sandy Hook.

They love 9-11.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You said Interstellar.

Yeah, Interstellar, which I don't think is a bad movie, but that is also like everyone was like sucking its dick because they got some fucking like professor from like USC or something who's like a like a cosmologist.

Is that the word?

Cosmetologist.

Yeah, he's went to

cosmetic school and he did everyone's makeup.

No, but like, uh, uh, uh, yeah, interstellar.

They're like, fucking, they're like, oh, yeah, that's exactly what a black hole would look like.

I'm like, well, yeah, but it's a black.

Like you're actually watching precious.

I could ask a fourth grader, hey, without even telling you what a black hole is, draw it.

And it would look exactly like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it's a hole that's black.

It's right there in the fucking name.

and everyone was like, Oh my god, because a couple years after that, there's this like shitty, blurry picture of a black hole.

Like, what you would think?

And they're like, It looks just like the movie, dude.

Christopher Nolan nailed it.

We would have to do it.

You hate these, like, science-you know, I hate that shit, dude, because it's not the point of a movie.

My girlfriend, and it was a, I remember, I feel like people had complained about it.

Like, people got it like all nitpicky in like the 90s about like because there's a difference between plot holes and technical inaccuracies.

Yeah, yeah, you know, and like people get obsessed with plot holes and then they erred into

traversing into the domain of technical inaccuracies.

And technical inaccuracies are supposed to just be the suspension of disbelief because we're trying to get to the story here.

Yeah, it doesn't, yeah, it doesn't like Matt.

I don't care if none of like

here, first of all, major plot hole in interstellar, they're like, there's a bug that's eating plants, and so you have to create a wormhole in fucking space to go to another dimension

to move all of humanity.

No.

They just don't have any pressures.

Yeah, exactly.

Figure out how to get...

I'm sure that plant science would be easier to figure out.

Yeah.

Reverse engineering.

And I know they have an answer for that.

Like, you can go online.

They're like, dummy, if you look, the astrophysicist who wrote a goddamn fucking encyclopedia of like how this movie is supposed to make sense explains it the scientist who was me too'd in 96 explained it all actually i didn't know that he raped but yeah sure

my girlfriend's like i think her favorite movie is interstellar yeah and every like when she watches it she like has a full-on breakdown like sobbing profusely like it's because matthew mcconaughey is like just like you can put him in anything yeah you can put him in anything and it's gonna be like you think she's crying because he's hot

not because he's hot he's just he's a good actor and he's like very good even though there's like he's very much doing Matthew McConaughey being sentimental, but it's like honestly, I'm just thinking of it.

I get a little emotional.

Yeah, it works every time.

No, but the scene where he's like watching tapes from his kids and saying goodbye, my girlfriend was in the bedroom crying so loudly, like having a full break.

I like had to come in and turn the lights on.

It's like 2 p.m.

and you're like, I'm trying to fucking sleep.

I've got to be up at work.

I've got to be up for work at 5 p.m.

Which work doesn't start until 11:30.

By the way, you're shitting shower.

And then I finish two hours later, but then I have to go to fucking McDonald's.

Felt like a little bit of a personal barb there.

I don't know.

They deliver now, Nick.

It's just funny that.

That seems like it should be illegal.

McDonald's.

Delivery McDonald's.

I remember you asked me, you were like, Lev, you need to lose weight.

Like, let's go through your day.

What do you do?

I go, I wake up, I call the deli downstairs, and I have them.

I call them.

Yeah, I have them deliver my usual lunch.

Oh, real quick, today's episode is also brought to you by Ridge Wallet, our friends at Ridge Wallet,

looking for the perfect Father's Day gift that's coming up.

I know everyone's thinking about Mother's Day, but Father's Day, just around the corner, so we're doing a big push.

Ridge Wallet, they got a lot of stuff.

I don't have it with me, but

the Ridge

Ridge...

Ridge backpack I have.

I use the Ridge backpack they sent to me.

I've had it for years.

I don't think there's nothing you need to bring

because

we don't have anything current from them.

They sent us stuff.

I've been using their wallet for years.

I feel weird showing.

Oh, yeah.

There's the backpack.

It'd be funny if it was just like a huge wallet.

Yeah, that would be cool.

That would be cool.

I would love to.

Oh, don't steal that.

Anybody listening?

You got to make that, dude.

You got to make a big Velcro.

This is two plates with a color band.

Like a Quicksilver-style wallet.

I know people like this stuff.

Yeah, no, they're great.

And they got luggage now,

which I have shitty luggage I've been wanting to replace, but the problem is I built out a closet in my apartment specifically to fit my carry-on.

Yeah.

And now if I got something that isn't to those exact dimensions, I'd feel like a real fucking asshole.

So

maybe I'll try it out and then gift it to my dad for

Father's Day.

He can put all of his his

trinkets and stuff in the luggage.

He'll be a trinket guy.

i wish i wish but that's the that's the thing that's annoying is old people aren't trinket people anymore yeah and maybe they are maybe i just don't have any more trinket people in life my his parents my grandparents awesome yeah they had just their whole this was just nothing but trinkets like fake stuff i love that when i was a kid nazi flags nazi flags no stuff that looked like it would be something but it's not yeah you know what i mean like i'm trying to think like a cash register but it's just made out of tin and it's not it's like a box it's like a lunch box it looks like a cash register register.

That kind of stuff's fun.

Why do you even have this?

Like interrogating something?

Yeah, why do you even, what the fuck?

Why is that in your house?

You know, shouldn't there just be?

Shouldn't this just place just be filled with medicine?

Should old people medicine?

That's what I keep it in.

Yeah.

Yeah, Ridge Wallet.

They got a lot.

The wallets are great.

They got a lot of everyday carry stuff.

I know that that's like a subculture.

These guys that they're like, check out my fucking knives and my keys.

There's not a smaller dickhead community in the world than the Everyday Carry.

Everyday Carry.

On the description, they're all leaving out and my tiny cock.

Well, you'd think like you would think there would be more guns on there.

Yeah.

But there's actually there's often not a lot of guns.

It's like fucking my Barnes and Noble card.

My fucking

timepiece.

I should go on there and just post a.

I'm a blade to sharpen the Barnes and Noble card.

Because I do carry a lot of weird shit on me.

I'm a drinket guy.

I've got little rocks and stuff.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you have on you right now?

Nothing.

I'm keeping it light today, but I do have a green rock I carry around.

You carry a fucking rock.

You literally carry kryptonite?

Yeah.

Who are you worrying about letting me get rock?

Apparently this year, Chinese is bad.

Chinese zodiac is bad year.

Yeah.

So you're supposed to carry green rocks.

Somebody sent me red underwear, and

I don't like the way it feels on my penis, so I don't wear it, but I carry it with me.

I don't know why I have pictured full lace.

Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.

I'm wearing a red thong right now.

Wearing a red thong and I have a jean.

So the god of China likes me.

So the Chinese god.

Nick, we got into a senior red thong.

That's got to be a crazy,

a crazy god.

With the Chinese god?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think the goddamn mindset.

I have no idea what their theistic religions are like.

Aren't they like kind of atheist-y?

I think most of them are like a Buddhist or every Asian religion I've ever read about is like some something basically similar to Buddhism.

Yeah.

Where it's like

it's like, you know, it's like, oh, the river and the mountain.

It's like fucking...

Like, yeah, but isn't there a guy that lives in the sky?

They're like, no.

No.

No, it's just.

He live over there.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly what they say.

You don't live in the sky, jackass.

Yeah, right.

Oh, that's a cool.

That's a cool version of Chinese guy.

You're doing like

90s Chinatown guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Watch salesman.

Yeah.

Fake watch salesman.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, asshole.

Why don't you come over here?

I always loved that.

When I lived in Chinatown, because it's a very unique, it's a very, it's New York Chinese guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Which a lot of people don't know.

Little mean.

There's a good example of it in the English dub of the movie Black Mask.

Do you ever see that?

The Jet Lee movie?

No.

Damn, I don't know how I missed that.

I've seen all the Jet Lee's.

Romeo Mustafa.

That's a classic.

The one.

The one.

The one is where it kind of was the end for Jet Lee.

Yeah.

Because that was when he started.

When he started speaking English, you were like, oh, this guy's weird.

You didn't like him personally.

When he was speaking Chinese, I couldn't tell.

When I saw him speaking English, is he even Chinese?

Yeah, he's Chinese.

Is he?

Yeah.

What did you think he is?

Italian?

I thought Mike Christine was visiting him.

Yeah, yeah.

He's going to hang out with Jet Lee.

Yeah.

What a legend, Jet Lee.

Yeah.

Wait, how did we get to this?

The Jet Lee thing?

What were we just talking about?

I don't know.

Some other movie.

Black Mask.

Black Mask is cool.

I had a thing on this.

I don't remember where we were, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, Black Mask is cool because the villain in the movie is some

Chinese John Lennon.

Really?

Yeah, he's like a Chinese guy with fucking long hair and cool sunglasses.

I like the Japs and Koreans are great at making a cool protagonist in a movie.

Yeah.

I feel like Korean kids dress cool as fuck.

They are cool.

Yeah.

Cool people.

Even though they have that weird, that fucking like they have lesbian haircuts all over them.

Yeah, yeah.

They got lesbian haircuts and black outfits.

Yeah.

I got to get a haircut.

And I googled cool lesbian haircuts.

Because I thought about it.

I wear these dumb pants now, and I feel like my personal style is going in sort of like a Missy Elliott direction.

I always say and I like I think I mean it would be very funny to just start

like just fucking culturally appropriating like hip-hop lesbian stuff

like just as me.

Like I just look I'm me but then I'm like, well yo, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just walking into

like comedy clubs and playing music like this shit doesn't bang in the club.

Just whatever, every like I'll just follow Sam J around and every time, whatever, the next day, if it's Monday, I observe Tuesday, I'm wearing the same clothes she had.

Just immediate 24-hour turnaround.

I'm dressed exactly the same.

And then just do it all the time until it becomes a problem.

I always say you're asleep.

And they'll be like, what are you talking about?

Literally, what are you talking about?

Those are my shoes.

I'll lie about it the way Adam does.

What are you even talking about?

And then you present him with photographic evidence.

And then he goes, it's one outfit.

That's the very personality.

Yeah.

You show him.

You show him photographs of, you're like, no, it's a pattern of behavior.

There's 15 outfits.

And he's like, what are you even doing right now?

I'm like, okay, but hold on.

You said it wasn't true.

So I guess that's where it started.

That was the original point.

Why do you push people away, Dick?

Me?

I don't push anybody away.

I don't think there's a single person I've ever pushed away.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think other people have bad behavior.

I myself have bad behavior.

Yeah.

You know.

I always say your aesthetic is like cool pedophile.

You said, but what does that fucking mean?

What does that mean?

Who?

Who's the cool?

You're like.

But what is the reference in your head?

Because that would have to mean like, were you

tested by somebody that looks like this,

who is cool?

There's not like, you don't say that and people are like, oh, yeah.

No, he's just like the.

I other night and people laugh.

He's like the, because you said the word pedophile and it's a comedy club.

Yeah.

Because people, because they're just fucking apes down there.

Yeah.

And they're programmed to just, you say, like, what does this guy do for a living?

Fuck kids?

And people are like, ha ha ha.

Because comedy is dogs.

Don't lean in on me.

Because comedy

is a bag of tricks.

Yeah.

That should be put out of its misery.

I don't know.

That's sort of a mixed metaphor.

You look like the kind of, you know, like if those YouTube pedophile hunts, like when they pull up on you, I feel like you wouldn't come off looking that bad.

You mean like to catch a predator?

Yeah, you'd have like a whole Pokemon collection with you.

Yeah.

Like it'd be condoms.

I'm like, well, brother, I always have a bag of condoms and Sprite Rewix on me.

You got nothing there.

Like the comments would be like, not for nothing.

If he wasn't there to meet a kid, this guy would be pretty.

I don't know why any of them just don't, like, as soon as they hand him the chat, be like, why don't you explain this?

Be like, oh, I'm sorry, I can't read.

Like, is that a problem?

You can read it to me, but no, I don't, I don't have, I've never learned how to read.

Yeah, how did you get here tonight?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I got no idea.

But I know one thing, pal.

I've never used a computer in my life.

And I've never had sex either.

In fact, I only kind of jack off to the idea of fucking grandmas.

So yeah, it sounds like you got nothing on me, Mr.

Chris Hansen.

I would try to fuck Chris Hansen.

I would just do the Uno.

Just try to really charm him once you're in the chair.

Be like, more like Chris Hansen.

I'm like, look, I knew this was the only way I could meet you.

Send all those pictures of my spread asshole.

Yeah, Chris,

of course I knew what this was.

And yes, I'll have a seat on your cock.

If that's an option.

He's like, why don't you take a seat?

He's like, why don't we grab lunch?

Yeah, listen, I came here, Chris, to pitch you on a show, Idea.

It's me and you, and we're dating.

It's a reality show.

It's called Pedophile Fiancé.

Presumed innocent in a court of law.

Listen, can I just go home?

Can I just fucking go home now, please?

That show is good.

The best is always like on that show.

I don't know if it was the entire time or the later seasons when they were like, Our decoy comes out to meet him in the kitchen.

It's like, I don't know if that's necessary.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think you need

a decoy child.

You know, it's also, what does that do to me?

Because the decoy is always 24 years old.

If I'm sitting at home and I'm like, oh, this girl's kind of hot.

And then what?

Then I have to feel bad about that?

Because then what?

And then what?

This is your best friend.

What if that poor girl who was the 24-year-old decoy on

To Catch a Predator?

How is she going to have a normal relationship now in her life?

Yeah.

When she gets involved with somebody and they're like, what do you do?

And she's like, oh, I'm a pretend child that pedophiles want to fuck on TV.

She's like, hand me that pigtail wig.

So men that are attracted to me, they're attracted me because they want to fuck children.

And you're like, yeah.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

I don't think that would deter a single man, honestly.

It wouldn't.

It's just Lewis.

Like, wow, that's awesome.

So it's called to catch a predator?

What's that about?

It's about predators or something.

Wow, that's cool.

So you got a hat?

What's that?

What is that?

Like a baseball hat?

It's a new podcast on gas.

Yeah.

Wow, that's so funny.

Hey, you want to do Skanks Fest?

You want to do like your decoy thing?

Skanks Fest?

We could do like the decoy show at Skanks Fest.

Anyways, you want to come to Jamaica with me?

You want to go on a drink?

Damn, all my shit's dropping.

What is falling out of you?

What What is that?

Like a tape recorder?

My big, cool, big bird pants aren't very good at holding stuff in the pockets.

I put this on.

I get this problem too, but this isn't new.

This has been my whole life.

You ever put your dick away before you're done pissing?

No.

It happens all the time.

Like, the piss that's left in my dick doesn't come out

until I put my dick in my pants.

No, and then I continue to piss.

Like, you know, when you hold a straw, like you do that move?

Yeah.

I guess that's kind of how it works.

So I put my dick away, and then it like lets the rest of the dick piss go.

Your dick's just a prankster.

I guess.

So I piss myself all the time.

Yeah.

Like literally fucking all the time.

And it's been a problem my entire life.

I always.

And with these pants in particular, like today, and I get mad.

I'm like fucking shaking.

I'm like, make sure there's jerking off to get there.

Make sure there's no more piss in there.

And then like every fucking time, I don't know what it is with these pants, but yeah, I get out and it's just covered in piss and it like clings to this and there's droplets and it's it's touching my legs and I'm just fucking just soaking wet and

it's disgusting.

Yeah, that's not cool pedophile at all.

No.

Just a guy covered in piss and the north face pants.

But they are cool pants, but yeah.

They're cool pants.

That's why I got them in yellow so no one knows.

No one knows.

I'm just out here.

Just pissing myself.

Did you get a brown pair?

Yeah.

Well, I don't shit myself.

Actually, I do.

I feel like I'm...

Do you ever like not change your underwear?

Wear underwear that's like a light color.

I know when you're like, like, two days go by, and you're like, so what?

I'm just shitting myself.

I'm just shitting my pants.

I know a guy who's about 500 pounds.

He,

I'm in.

He gets home, takes his underwear off after a day, just hangs them to dry, and then he'll just wear them the next day.

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life.

Imagine how much sweat and skid marking goes into a 500-pound man's fucking boxers and then re-wearing those.

Leaves them to dry.

Leaves them to air dry.

Like his own, like on his neighbor's window.

His own film photography in his crime scene apart.

Yeah,

just a serial killer's dark room.

I swear to God.

My latest victim.

Just hanging out the shitted up underwear.

That's what he's doing.

Is that not insane?

That's disgusting.

That is so, I, goddamn.

But so it's got to be Zachamiko, right?

I mean, who else could it be?

What is this?

It's got to be him.

What is this, a psychic show?

No, I mean, who, who else?

Hey, put the candles out.

You can't say, I know a 500-pound man that hangs up his underwear like a trophy.

I mean,

who else could it be?

It could be plenty of other 500-pounds.

Oh, it's not.

It's one of my buddies from college.

No.

No.

It is Zach, but he did.

It is.

He said this on a podcast I did with him.

I thought that was insane.

He didn't even tell you.

You're just repeating someone else's podcast.

No, I was with him on the pod.

He said that.

I think about that once a day.

Every time I throw my boxers into the hamper, I'm like,

yeah, I got a friend who's actually a gay, conservative guy who he told me a story about.

I don't know.

I don't actually.

I can't quote Tim.

I'm not fast enough because it's after 5 p.m.

and my brain is shut off.

It's very funny that we're meeting at the opposite frequencies of our day.

I feel like.

Oh, no, I'm normal.

Yeah.

I have a normal day.

Normal people are awake.

You're up at 7 a.m.

sleeping in your studio.

I was up at 6 a.m.

And

I came in and I had some work I had to get done.

Yeah.

Which I did.

I took care of.

And I finished it.

I thought it was going to take me hours.

He's been walking around the studio pissing himself since 6 in the morning.

I did.

I woke up.

I finished my work by 9.05.

I thought it was going to take me until about 1.

But yeah, I got it done in relatively short order yeah i was in the zone what can i say and then yeah i pissed myself and then

i went to dunkin' donuts nice i walked to macy's what'd you do there nothing i just walk around macy's i like the elevator there if you guys this is i know this is a new york podcast and this bothers people hearing about new york all the time but the macy's here has an old-timey wooden escalator i've heard about this which i thought was from i'm like oh this must be like the first escalator ever made yeah but no they just like made it it's like a regular they just made a regular escalator like fancy yeah so it's not like an old-timey wooden oh what the fuck yeah in my retarded brain i thought like everything was made out of wood like we all used to live in a big cuckoo clock and they didn't have metal at the time of escalators yeah i'm like and the elevators were wooden and they was a big water wheel that moved them up and down i'm just fantasizing about that but that's not not the case so you walk all the way over to the mall just to ride their shitty elevator?

The Macy's, yeah.

Just go see the escalator.

I'm simple.

This is like an A24 film.

In what way?

Just a guy who goes and visits his friend the elevator.

I didn't put it that way.

That's how you worded it.

I go

my friend.

I had nothing to do.

I had time to kill you.

You said, oh, I'll be back awake at 4 p.m.

Yeah.

You're like,

you said, I'll set an alarm for 4 p.m.

I'll set an alarm.

Yeah.

for 4 p.m.

I went to bed at 9.

Yeah.

I'm fucking here.

No.

I'm everything.

This is like the bastard.

I'm everything you want to be.

Is that your perception of

things?

Of your walkie in Phoenix.

Yeah.

That's a good movie.

That's a great movie.

Yeah.

The whole ending is imagined.

What does that mean?

It's like because they're trying to make you think something, but what you actually thinking ain't even be what you thinking.

You think my inner monologue is Cat Willis?

Yeah, basically.

That's what that statement is.

The ending is actually.

No, because it's imagined.

The ending.

And what about the ending of The Master?

Not this time.

We made it up.

No, it's because...

Did you ever see the movie The Master?

That's just like season 20 of Beyond Belief.

And what about the movie The Master?

The Master.

Don't even do.

They didn't even do the little vignettes anymore.

They just describe movies.

And then Jonathan Fraigs tells you it's not real.

And what about the one with Joaquin Phoenix and Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Not this time.

We made it up.

We made that one up.

We got you.

You ever watch that show?

No.

Beyond Belief, Fact or Fiction?

Never heard of it.

Oh.

Never heard of it.

It's a masterpiece.

Can I tell you what?

The master ending now?

Sure.

He doesn't actually go and visit Phillipsy Moore Hoffman.

It's like a dream.

But you know this.

You don't know that.

No?

No.

It's because he's in the movie theater at the end by himself.

And just in the frame where he falls asleep, right then, a kid is holding a phone for him.

He's getting a call from Phillipsy Moore Hoffman.

But that's the implication there being that's when he fell asleep.

The rest is him dreaming that he goes and sees this guy again.

But he doesn't actually ever go see him.

Wow.

Who's the fucking fat idiot now?

I mean.

Pete.

You're still fat.

It's not like knowing that about the master makes you not fat.

I don't know.

We'll let the audience decide.

You can say, who's the idiot, though?

The fat part remains, regardless of.

Yeah.

I think people are blown away at home.

Yeah, probably.

I guess I just don't really care.

That final scene's great.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

I remembered where we met each other.

We were working at a where did they work?

The passenger pigeon service in Paris during the fucking some gay war.

Yeah, we were gay.

I remembered how we were gay with each other.

We used to suck each other off with the passenger service.

Walkie's just angrily confused.

Yeah.

He's in what, Joker 2 is coming out.

Did you like the first one?

I enjoyed the first one in the theater.

Yeah.

And then I don't know if I actually re-watched it, but just remembering it at home a year later, I was like, I don't know if

that I would enjoy a re-watch.

I hated that movie.

You hated it.

I hated it.

And I watched it in the theater.

And I don't know why.

I was just, I very much was in this paranoia that the theater was going to get shot up.

That's.

It was like my anxiety was.

Yeah, that's dumb.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, so I'm back to Fat Dumb Idiot?

No.

I remember going to see the it was like right after the aurora colorado shooting yeah going to see batman with my girlfriend at the time and she's like well i'm like i'm like scared you know she's like clinging to me it's like first of all nothing's gonna happen you're like don't worry i took my meds yeah well it's like yeah exactly if the theater gets shot it's like then we're just gonna die i don't know like well i can't do anything you're just a joker making i can't do anything if a guy comes in punching people

you're just gonna have to get punched in the face i don't know

I don't know what to tell you.

You know, she's like, whoa, can you?

No, I can't.

I'm sorry.

I don't have, but what do you think?

You really think, oh, there's been a second joker.

A second joker has hit the theaters.

It's actually a great point.

You're not going to really stop anything violent in a fucking theater.

No.

But theaters have that stigma of a shooting might happen.

Them in schools.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which I feel grateful that we grew up in a time where it didn't feel like school shootings were very popular.

Like, I was never worried about that as a kid.

I wasn't worried about it either, but school shootings have been a thing since the 90s.

Yeah.

But like, it felt like they really caught on.

You know, like now I think these kids, they're doing like, they're putting like iron domes in classrooms now.

Have you seen this shit?

They're not putting the iron dome in classrooms.

Israel is sending iron domes into.

So what?

There's like a missile that goes, like, kills a student.

What are you talking about?

No, they have these, like, it's like folds into the wall.

And then basically a teacher unfolds it and it becomes like a room within a room and it's like made of steel She puts all the kids in there and then she lights it on fire.

Mm-hmm.

And

Yeah, there's like they have like these little like shelters in rooms now.

How crazy that iron dome thing is crazy.

Yeah, I knew a gala gave some do we all have that no one's just shooting missiles at the other country well Israel it the US uses it as like a testing site for like our tech so like they'll send the iron dome there and be like well they're gonna get a lot of use out of it.

We can analyze the data.

We'll know how effective it is for us, et cetera.

They're like a beta tester for us.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Well, nuke is real, folks.

I don't know.

I mean, try it.

Let's see how well the Iron Dome works.

Do you think we got the tech to fucking defend a nuke?

I kind of feel like we do.

Do we?

I think so.

I think the U.S.

because they say the NSA is like 20 years ahead of modern tech, right?

Yeah, but that's the NSA.

That's not like

missile technology.

But just like imagine the fucking like I think all the like the UFOs and all the shit that's happening, like I think that's all just hyper-advanced missiles.

I think it's both the United States and Russia that have missiles now, like warheads now, what are they called?

MERVs?

It's uh he's a Jewish guy.

Yeah.

You got a name MERV now.

Did you just fly a Jewish guy through stuff?

They're like multi-it's like multiple re-entry

vehicle or something, but basically like because ballistic missiles

they go up into space, you know, and then they come down so fucking fast you can't like they're hard to shoot down, but even if you could shoot them down, the new ones now, they'll just like send a bunch of different warheads over like a huge area.

I think they could shoot those down pretty easy now.

Yeah.

They they just see now they have like scopes for rifles to shoot down drones because drones are so popular in war.

It's like an aim bot.

It like fucking auto locks and helps you like just very easily shoot shit out of midair.

They have like literal fucking hacks.

I think it's a matter of like if you have enough missiles any system is going to be overwhelmed.

Yeah, like that's what happened with when Iran,

like they killed that guy in Syria, or they killed those

IRGC guys, and then you know, a couple weeks ago, and then Iran responded and they sent a bunch of like, you know, drones and missiles over.

Right.

And then it was like, oh, nothing got through.

And it's like, well, nothing got through because you had like four different countries trying to intercept everything.

Right, right.

But then stuff did get through.

Like they did hit like, you know, like

an Air Force base.

And it's like if, you know, even Iran, like in that small example, it's like imagine

a country like Russia launching, you know, every fucking nuke that they have at once.

Yeah.

Apparently the nuclear sub is like the biggest.

That's the

real winning game piece.

Because it's like apparently impossible to find a fucking submarine underwater.

Yeah.

It's like so hard.

Yeah.

Just because of how vast the ocean is.

Right.

But I'm willing to bet that we have the tech to like.

I would love to believe that the U.S.

is with all the trillions of dollars we've spent on fucking defense, we could prevent a nuke from hitting.

Yeah, but everything kind of like switched to deterrence at some point.

So like the reality of like nuclear war between like the United States and Russia is probably not going to happen.

Yeah.

It'll likely be India and Pakistan, I think.

Wow.

And then, you know,

what that would smell like.

I was literally, I was trying to not make this.

Yeah, I know.

You can't help yourself.

I mean.

Can you imagine if their smell got in the water?

Dude, if it was in the atmosphere?

If it was in the fucking atmosphere.

No, I'm sorry.

Are you, though?

That's good stuff.

Yeah, I mean, it is funny.

I wish it didn't make me laugh so much.

That's the funniest shit in the world.

Yeah.

Is that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like getting in people.

They're funny.

I love doing this.

I love just pontificate, just sitting here being like, Yeah, it's uh, well, here's

what Israel should do

because you can.

That's like the best part about being an American, is just being like aggressively

just saying shit, yeah, just fucking, and now they're trying to take that away from us.

I don't know, the Jews or something

who's taking this from you, the AIPAC.

They're passing all kinds of laws now saying that if you pontificate,

do you ever feel like you're going to jail?

Because why?

Like, this is such a bullshit, like, job/slash art form,

right?

But not everyone can do it.

Like, why?

Everyone can do this.

Everyone can, but people won't watch it.

They won't.

Yeah.

But do you?

Because they're cowards.

That's, I will say this.

If you don't have a podcast, you're a coward.

Print it.

Yeah, no, I mean, what are you afraid of?

Oh, people might think I'm dumb.

Yeah, get over yourself, pal.

Okay, because then I think they're worried about getting fired from their jobs.

No, it won't happen.

That's the best part.

That's the best part now is because we're post-cancellation.

First of all, no one's actually gotten like

everyone's a millionaire now.

In comedy, not the guy who said the N-word at his office.

That's not podcasting.

That's saying the N-word at your office.

That's what I'm saying, but that's why they can't.

I'm not advocating for that.

Don't say the N-word at your office.

If you don't say the N-word at your office, you're a coward.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

No, I mean, but I'm saying that's why those guys can't do this.

They can't come on and call Indian people smelly or whatever because they're worried about losing their jobs.

No, that's not true.

They're cowards, dude.

They're fucking cowards.

I think if you don't have a podcast, you should have to go.

Mandatory six months in Gaza.

That's a fucking that's a law.

That's a law I want passed.

Yeah.

Is that if you are too much of a fucking coward to have a podcast and shoot from the hip on these contentious issues such as Israel and Palestine and whether or not Interstellar is gay,

you should fucking have to go live in Gaza under Sharia law, by the way.

Yeah.

Which I know nothing about.

It was a word I heard.

You don't think it's weird that all these like new liberals are like very hyper-defensive of a religion that hates them?

Now, when you say new liberals, what does that mean?

Trans?

It means I don't read.

Yeah.

When you say new liberals, because the word liberals now isn't loaded enough, we'll add the word new to it to imply they're even gay.

I'm trying to get them.

I don't know, whatever.

These people

are even more.

Yeah, if you thought they were trans before, wait until you see these anti-Israel protests.

Yeah.

Because these are the most trans people we've seen yet.

And if you sent them to Gaza, they would be, that's what I love when conservatives do that.

They're like,

send these kids over there.

They'll get killed in a minute.

Which I think is good, by the way.

Which I also think rules.

Which, by the way, my only problem with Sharia law is that it's brown people doing it instead of me.

That's what I would say.

All the things that I hear about them doing, that sounds fucking awesome.

I don't think conservatives want that, though.

I don't think they,

they're, they want.

That's the whole premise of like send them to Gaza.

It's like, do you just want violence enacted on these people, which you can just call the police.

That seems to be the answer, is the cops will show up and beat all these kids up.

So you already have it here.

I don't know.

I feel like, man, you see this very differently.

How do you see what?

Well, for one, I don't think

I'm a little more trusting of police, maybe naively.

But for two, I also think when people, I think there are idiots that say, like, send them there so they'll get killed.

I think that's also like a wrong sentiment.

But I think in general, it's like they're saying, like, you're backing a place that wouldn't be accepting of you.

Whereas, like, yeah, but that's that like necessarily assumes that like advocating for for like uh you know speaking up against something you find immoral yeah is a transaction right like

Black people could hate me.

They do.

Black people hate me.

I'm not going to stand here and be like, well, we should bring slavery back.

If slavery was still going on, I'd say, that's wrong.

We shouldn't do that.

It wouldn't matter if black people were like, no, that guy looks like a cool pedophile and we want to beat him up.

It's like, it's still, this thing is wrong on principle.

So it doesn't matter.

That's why I have no problem with people protesting.

Like, you think something is wrong.

You have the right.

Yeah, but it doesn't indicate any kind of hypocrisy or contradiction that a gay person would protest in favor of Palestine.

No.

Just because it doesn't matter what they're doing, like you can say, oh, well, I don't disagree with you.

I wouldn't like you.

I'm just saying, but there is like a divorce.

That doesn't mean that a genocide should be happening.

Yes.

Well,

as a Jew, I can't go back to the point.

Well, that is, hold on.

The G-word.

That is the nuance.

That's the nuance.

The nuance isn't like, well, it looks kind of like, you know, there's sort of a contradiction here.

No, the nuance is that it's like you don't need those people to be, you know, like LGBTQ advocates.

Yeah.

You know, to not want to see people like, you know, blown up or children.

Yeah, I have no problem with people who

are like...

I mean, everybody should

not want the loss of life on any side.

Like, that's obviously.

This is also boring, and this is supposed to be a comedy podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we'll find.

But I will say those people deserve it.

Which ones?

Whichever you decide.

I'd like to get back.

There's just maybe a little

too much stand-up talk for my taste.

And too much.

So I think we'll agree.

Nuke Israel.

And then

that's sort of where

we kind of agree on.

You know, the first...

I'll say this to wrap this topic up.

I love Nuke Israel.

I'm claiming that.

That used to

belong to everybody, but I'm not seeing anyone say nuke Israel and all these protests.

It's all of this fucking from the river to the sea stuff.

You don't like the subtlety?

Well, it's just like Nuke Israel hits so much.

That's like one of the best things.

But aren't you just doing the same thing that you're accusing them of doing now?

What do you mean?

Like, you're saying, like, shouldn't we be against all death on all sides?

Well, I don't seriously mean Nuke Israel.

Like, I don't.

That's not a serious thing.

I took that hook line at the same time.

It's antagonistic and funny.

And that's what I like about it.

I don't know.

I took that at face value.

Yeah, but

holy guns where people are.

Hold on now, Nick.

Isn't there a

wouldn't you say that that's a bit hypocritical to say

don't nuke you want to nuke Israel?

You said it's so deadpan, even through all of it.

I was like, all right, maybe, maybe, I don't think you actually think we should nuke Israel, but I'm like, this guy might really.

Yeah, I have a reserve affect.

I piss myself.

I'm a tiny guy.

There's a lot of things about me that you should understand by me.

Everything is deadpan.

I don't think, in my mind, I don't think I'm deadpan at all.

Like, I see, like, through my eyes, what I'm seeing is like fucking Roger Rabbit.

I think I'm like, fucking, like, wow, Mr.

Nuke Israel.

That's how I imagine that.

I don't think you come off that way.

Of course I don't.

I know.

I see recordings of myself.

I see how much of like just a weird kind of robotic f ⁇ I am.

And it's, I'm not, trust me, that's not my intention, and I apologize.

I imagine myself to be more like a Robin Williams type.

So when I say Nuke Israel, I'm doing it in the way the genie.

Mr.

Nuke Israel.

Yes, the genie in doing his blackface voice.

Like, oh, man, man, come over here.

Let's all nuke Israel.

You're actually like autistically deadpan staring and getting like angry in your voice.

It's kind of a different affect, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you hear Cat Williams' pansexual joke?

No.

He goes, nowadays, you can like pots and pans and use a pansexual.

That's a real bit from the act.

At one point in the new special, he literally pulls down a PowerPoint projector and he starts playing that video of that blind kid playing football.

You remember that old video?

He's like a 10-year-old kid on a football team?

No.

He's fully blind.

It's like an old, really old viral video, and he just watches the video on a stage in a theater.

And he's like, you could be blind and play football player.

That's awesome.

I like Cat Williams.

I like Cat Williams too, but I mean, you got to see the special.

It's like a parody of stand-up.

Yeah.

Do you not like Cat Williams?

I think he's great.

He's a legend.

I feel like he deserves to, even if it stinks, I feel like he deserves at least one.

Just to do that?

Yeah, why not?

Yeah.

All right.

Fuck it.

I think it's pretty horrific, but

so to the camera.

Say, this is Lev.

This is Lev here.

And I have a message to all the comedy clubs in New York City, nuke Israel.

You got to let this go.

No, I just

said just to see what happens.

Just see what happened.

They got to have one guy.

I'll be on Westside Comedy.

The clubs have to have one guy that's the nuke's real guy.

That's Racine.

Oh, he's already in?

He already got in?

Racine is single-handedly taken on the Hamas issue.

Yeah.

But they're still booking him?

I don't think so.

Yeah, well, that's what I mean.

You got to have one guy.

Like, all of the comedy clubs need to have at least one guy, preferably a straight white man.

Just so we get the message out.

That is just not even like who goes way too far.

Yeah.

Like it's not even like just blatantly anti-Semitic, nuke Israel.

There needs to be one guy like that.

And for Cena, it could be you.

It could be me.

Maybe I'll do it.

Maybe I'll do it.

Then I'll do it.

You should do it.

Then I'll do it.

I'll be the guy.

You're like, what?

I'm being.

I'll be at the comedy seller this week selling my nuke Israel shirts.

Now,

keep this in mind.

I'm the only one that's allowed to do this.

I'm playing that role.

I get to be the guy.

You're like, what?

I'm being Roger Rabbit.

Yeah.

You're like, what?

I'm being anti-Semitic Roger Rabbit.

There's got to at least be one.

Don't you think there should be one?

You know, it's funny.

I was talking to one.

And I don't mean like just booking a Muslim comic that's going to be like, damn, I love rap.

I mean, like, fucking one guy that's just a hardcore Nazi.

I think there are clubs that would defend.

people's like rights to have that.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like just one guy.

The seller pod, they had that guy on who got banned from the creek for doing swastikas on his body.

They had him on to like, he was like, it's a bad thing.

What would you have been doing swastikas on his body?

He did the act.

That was a human swastika.

No, he taped like actual swastikas to his chest.

He took his shirt off.

When you say actual swastikas, though, you say that as if it's not just a shape.

I'm just telling you, he fucking put a swastika on his body, and then he did, he took his shirt off, and then he got banned from the creek.

And then

it would be funny if that scene in American History X where he takes his shirt off instead of just the one swastika tattoo, he was like covered in them like the Riddler.

He just had him.

And he's like, wow.

Riddle me this curve.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, no, I think

I'm like kind of like a dickhead.

I think people think I'm a conservative-ish person.

Yeah, who gives a fuck?

Who cares what anybody thinks?

I agree.

Yeah.

I agree.

Well, I guess that.

thank you for joining us god damn it

yeah they keep my stuff I feel like I pissed you off of these last no no no that's what I mean is people can't people have the wrong read on me yeah it's fucking you're like it was actually the first 10 minutes yeah and it's nothing that it's like I always thought it was a thing with like people reading the old show wrong where it's like you know like we would get into you know like fake arguments or whatever you know I don't know it's just like a disposition It was like the three stooges, basically.

But now it's like all the time.

And then I meet people at shows.

They're like, oh, I thought you were going to be mean to me.

And I'm like, why would I be mean to you?

Yeah.

I think I say it like that.

I'm like, why would I be mean to you?

Yeah.

And I think it's just,

it's literally just I've done too much interacting over the phone or it's like a screen thing.

So you get used to just not really emoting or using your face as much.

I will say this.

Before I knew you, I kind of thought you were like an intimidating guy.

And then when I met you,

I think you are a real sweetheart of a person.

Well, I don't know if I'm a real sweetheart.

I think you are.

Oh, okay.

I think you're a sweetheart.

Well, I will be volunteering down at the

Islamic Education Center.

I'm not saying you're like a child.

They banned all the UN schools.

So somebody's got to teach these kids.

Somebody's got to tell these kids the truth.

Can I just tell you one Rasin story real quick?

Oh, yeah.

He goes,

like, right when the Israel thing was fresh and he was going hard on Twitter.

I remember, like, I s he was at the stand having dinner and I I walked up.

I was like, hey, man, how are you?

And I was like, you're going off on fucking Twitter.

And I was like, I don't want to bring it up and start a fight or whatever, though.

And he's like, he's like, no, no, no, I can talk about it.

Like, I'll be reasonable.

As we're like having a conversation, like, a friend of his comes over with a book on propaganda.

And he goes, hey, Mike, here's that book you asked me for.

And he plops it down on him.

He's like, literally has like a book on propaganda in Israel.

Like, he's like, no, no, no, I can be fair and talk about this right now.

And then he's got like fucking media coming in in the middle of the discussion.

I just thought that was a funny he had, like, a personal assistant that's bringing, yeah, literally, like a fucking guy he works with, just brought him a fucking propaganda.

What was it?

It was it just in it just said propaganda in huge caps

like a cartoon.

I swear to God, it was like a propaganda

ask him about it, it just said propaganda, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just thought that was funny,

but I guess not, yeah.

Well, now I feel now I feel like fucking Racine snuck up and took took that spot away from me.

Because there is always room for one.

I mean it.

Why don't you do that, though?

You're kind of like an outside-of-the-system guy.

Why don't you just,

if you have this vision, why don't you do it?

More of like, oh, like an ideas guy.

Like, that's what I mean.

Like, oh, you should buy Bitcoin.

I'm not going to do it, but you should.

Yeah.

Like, it would be a good idea.

I never take my own advice.

That's my problem.

I got a lot of advice.

I got a lot of good ideas, but I never take my own advice.

So if you're a young comic, I say go fucking hardcore, swastika, neck tattoo,

and then just go down to the cellar and be like, look, do you have, is there anybody that looks like this that works here?

And they're going to say, like, well, I guess he's right.

I guess we don't even have one.

Why don't you come audition at the cellar?

What?

Why don't you come audition there?

Because I bomb.

This is a shitty comic.

I mean, this is a bad comic, yeah.

If you push past this fear, Dick,

it's a great place.

Well, I certainly have to piss and not in my pants this time.

So, we're gonna wrap this up.

Thank you, Lev.

You got anything you want to plug?

Uh, yeah, I got Edmonton in Vancouver this month doing weekends there at the House of Comedies, and uh, a few more dates.

Yonkers Comedy Club in June at the Cellar and the stand, a bunch of New York.

And please follow me on Instagram for the love of God.

L-EV-FER on Instagram.

Well, I had a lot of fun.

Thanks for coming.

I love you, buddy.

Thanks for having me, man.

Definitely appreciate it.

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