The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Mike Recine - Episode 45

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Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

Welcome to Americana.

Please press your selection, followed by the pound sign.

Now it's funny.

You can kind of tell Joey Diaz is like full of shit if you listen to him for like five minutes.

Are we talking shit on Joey Diaz?

Joey Cocky Diaz.

Come on, man.

Friend,

one of my favorite angry DMs from anybody ever.

I've I've said Joey Cocka Diaz a million times, and I don't know anything about Joey Coco Diaz.

I don't know, I don't, I can't tell you, I've never really, I know what he sounds like, but I've never watched anything.

You know, it's just a funny name to say Joey Cocka Diaz.

The idea that somebody, that A, somebody would be named Joey Cock Odd Diaz,

or that we knew a Marcus Doodoo Brown.

Great guy, great guy, great guy.

Shout out to Marcus Doodoo Brown.

He made even better by the fact that he went by doo-doo.

There was a comic in D.C.

also named Dookie, which is her last name.

Yeah, so

I say Joey Cock Diaz all the time.

Somebody Diaz me once, they would go, you would never say that to him.

To his face.

All right, the show has started.

We're leaving all that as

well.

Mike wants to fight Joey Cochrane.

You know, Diaz.

And that Skanks Fest, it's going to happen, right?

I was just trying to impress you.

You got him

in the cage.

You're going to cage fight him?

No.

Apparently, Mike wants to fight him.

I didn't realize we were rolling.

No, no, we are rolling.

We're rolling.

I already started the stopwatch, and I have the Snoopy face on here, so it's very hard to get to the stopwatch.

He already did.

He said, welcome to the...

Sorry.

Welcome to the show, guys.

Once again, it's the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

I hope hope that gets back to Joey Coco Diaz, and

I hope I have to have a sit-down.

You got to parlay with him.

You've been calling me your...

I can't.

I can't.

I can only do ancient Korean.

That's as close as I can get.

He's like, what did you call him?

I look like a poo-poo guy.

What the fuck is coca?

I don't know.

That's cool.

He's like, he's like, I like cereal.

Let me tell you something.

I like cereal, not doo-doo.

I'm cuckoo.

I'm cuckoo.

I'm cuckoo.

I'm not caca.

What are you saying about me?

I got peepee.

I'm not a fucking baby.

No.

I like cocoa.

I like puffy cereal.

Chocolate.

I'm going to teach her something about respect.

Is he even, he's not chocolate.

How does it work in the Latino Hispanic community?

Latino.

What do you mean?

I think it's whatever, yeah, whatever cookie or cereal you like the best.

Oh, okay.

Joey Cookie Crispy.

What would yours be, Adam?

Fruit Loops.

Oh, nice.

I never got into Fruit Loops.

No.

I wasn't really allowed to cereal growing up other than plain bran.

Okay.

Yeah, that's kind of why I have this personality.

Yeah.

I ate a lot of honey nut Cheerios.

They're good.

Just polishing off the entire box.

Yeah.

Like before mom gets home.

And she's like, god damn it.

That's supposed to last through the week she just ate eight bowls of cereal we went to coffee

you fucking piece of shit were you just sitting here in the dark yeah yeah yeah watching judge judy eating

watching four episodes of judge judy and her life

yeah no

even

the couch smells like shit because you're farting on eating too much milk sprilled milk on it

i put my milk shirt on

So you were quite fat growing up?

Yeah, I think so.

And Nick, you were fat as well, right?

And you were gay.

I still am.

Still am.

Yeah.

Is that what you were?

No,

I was gay.

Yeah, I mean,

I think most child prodigies are gay.

Speaking of, dude, this kid I saw outside was amazing.

I already told you guys, but

probably the worst child I've ever seen in my entire life.

New York City kids are pretty bad.

This was shocking.

Because normally I'd feel bad.

If you see a kid that's like poorly behaved, they're like, ah,

they're going to regret being mean to their grandma later.

But this kid was just, you can tell even as an adult, he's going to just be a monster.

But it was, it was, it was like, I don't know, because I was walking behind them.

And it looked like it was their brothers maybe.

I don't know their relation.

Older one in the front was like maybe nine or ten.

And then the one in the back, maybe like six or seven.

And he looked like he had some kind of like intellectual disability because he had croakies on and they were kind of crooked.

And he was like literally doing the

doing that movie.

Jerry Lewis.

Yeah, and then they had there was an older woman taking them somewhere

and

she was carrying the younger one's backpack and the one in the front had his own backpack on and he's like this is the stupidest plan ever

and then she's like she's like well I'm sorry you know and I guess it wasn't her mom she's probably employed by yeah by them right

usually it's a West Indian lady no this was like an older white lady.

And then he's like, He's like, Why?

She's like, Your mom said to take you directly to the park after school.

He's like, And we can't even go home to drop our backpacks off.

And then he goes,

She's like, And why isn't Jacob carrying his own backpack?

And then she goes, Well, do you want me to carry your backpack?

He goes, No, I want him to carry his own backpack.

He should be carrying both of ours at this point.

She's like,

I'm like, oh man.

I forgot.

I tried to make eye contact with him, not in a mean way.

The child?

Yeah, just to be like, hey, people can see you doing this.

My father used to yell at unruly kids at tables next to us at restaurants.

He'd be like, control your child.

He'd like yell at the parents.

Yeah.

How old are the kids?

Like eight-year-olds, nine-year-olds.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

It's an interesting choice.

Control your child.

I can't imagine doing that.

Because it always, even I don't have a kid, but I could, it looks like hell.

And I'm not being anti-child, but like when you see somebody suffering, it's like,

why would you do that?

Control your kid.

It's like, do you think that they haven't tried?

Yeah, right.

You think this is like happening in a vacuum?

I don't know.

Have you tried to

hit him?

No, no.

It is.

It's crazy to hit a little kid, but also I can imagine they say something so disrespectful.

They say stuff that's disrespectful.

And they're disrespecting you with your wife as well.

They're like talking to my wife.

They're like collectively treating you like shit.

Don't you think that's up to my wife?

What really bothers me is when Deb will be like, yeah, tell daddy to leave us alone or something like that.

He's gay.

Who?

He's gay.

He's gossiping with your wife.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And guess what?

He feels that.

When she brings him in, when she's pissed at me and she brings him into the.

But also, if he's fabulously gay and you're very does he seem gay to you?

No, no, he's just here.

He's cool.

He was playing with guns.

What do you think?

What?

My kid's gay.

You don't know if my kid's gay.

I mean, he's from New York, so he's probably gay.

Yeah.

He's bigger than he looks, so it's like you think, you know, I was thinking maybe slow or something.

But then he told me he's two and a half.

And I was like, oh, I thought you were seven.

He's pretty big for two and a half.

He's a big boy.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he's he's a good kid.

We should.

I think it might help.

You probably shouldn't take the take the propeller beanie off of him.

I don't think that that's helping.

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the kick me sign that you know on the stroller

people shoot me.

Shoot me,

um, yeah, what I guess, like, I don't know, like one time I was really talking shit to my mom, and she it was the only time she hit me, but she slapped me, and then she became so horrified that she'd done that, that she started crying.

And I remember I just hugged her, and I was like, I deserved it.

I was a piece of shit.

I'm so sorry, mom.

Do you remember what you were saying to her?

I was probably like,

he was like, this is the stupidest idea ever.

I can't explain.

Why can't we go home and drop off our backpacks first?

I don't want Stephen.

Stephen should carry his own backpack.

Would you want me to carry your backpack?

This woman was so exasperated.

Yeah.

It would be cute.

She's so worn out listening to this kid because, you know, he's like that probably every day.

I'm hoping I caught him on a bad day.

Right, right.

And now this poor kid, now it's just

800 million people watching this.

They're going to find out who he is.

Exactly who he is.

And his parents are drinking.

There's a guy on Reddit right now.

They're like, got him.

Got him.

Here he is.

This is it.

It's PS118.

I found the yearbook.

I called up, pretended to be an eight-year-old.

He's getting shipped off to gay conversion.

Actually,

I'm a pedophile, and I have access to a secret network.

We have a database

all of the children in the world.

And I cross-referenced.

I said, children with backpacks plus Fifth Avenue and I found him.

It takes so little to dox a kid these days.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It would be cool though if you had like a distant gay son that kind of left you alone so you could watch the game and stuff and then he only wanted to chill what when he like wanted to talk shit about the wife.

He'd be like, the bitch is at it again.

He'd be like, she is a bitch.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

She is like that.

Yeah.

You won't believe what the bitch is up to now.

Yeah, the relationship is very different because it's like like you gotta you know you gotta make him happy it's almost more important to make your kid happy than your than your wife well for i'll tell you for a two and a half year old he's he's pretty chill from what i'm saying and he's pretty smart too he knows all the colors uh-huh he knew what construction was yeah he knew how to use a gun

that's all just races black yeah right yeah yellow he knows construction races and weapons yeah so that seems like he's jason bourne yeah yeah basically he's yeah you're gonna train him as an assassin yeah yeah yeah pretty cool did you have a favorite Ninja Turtle growing up?

I, no.

I actually didn't even really like Ninja Turtle.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Michelangelo.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I would watch the movie.

Uh-huh.

You know, but I was more, I guess it's like, and it's maybe like, I'm not going to say a spectrum thing, but I would watch the movie because I was a fan of New York.

Oh, yeah.

I was voting for New York City

when watching the TV.

It's a love letter to New York City.

Basically, yeah.

It's a very much...

New York looks beautiful in that novel.

It does, yeah.

Yeah, especially the scene when.

Where are they?

They're in like an antique shop that burns down before they go to April's country house.

Oh, okay.

In the movie.

I didn't see the movie.

You haven't seen The Teenage Mutants?

That was my first exposure to it.

It was that.

The cartoon would come on, but I never really, there was no cartoons I even liked.

I would watch The Simpsons when I was a kid, but then it was like, there's sometimes I would watch the Saturday cartoons because it's like, oh, I guess I should be doing this.

But none of them I really enjoyed.

Interesting.

Yeah, it wasn't.

It was like, I used to.

Not even like Rugrats?

Well, no, I just said

that was Nickelodeon.

On like basic television, you got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

That one I remember.

There was a show called Eek the Cat that I think was on Foxbox.

Life with Louie.

Yeah, Lil Louie Anderson show.

What was that about?

But it sucked.

I remember watching it.

I'm like, this sucks.

He's just like a depressed kid.

All of those shows sucked.

Yeah.

Garfield and Friends I like, but I don't know if that was on Saturdays.

The afternoon cartoons cartoons I liked as a kid.

Okay.

Batman.

Batman Anime Series.

I love that.

The Saturday morning when they had like recess.

I mean, recess was good, but.

They had an X-Men.

That was after Men.

X-Men was good.

No, that was.

X-Men was on in the 90s.

That was early.

That was after 100.

We're all the same age.

It's not like these were different eras.

I'm 63 years old, actually.

What does Benjamin watch now?

He watches like YouTube shorts.

I feel like, yeah, the cartoons now, he watches weird computer-generated shapes with African accents.

He watches YouTube shorts.

Like

Crowdwork Reels?

Yeah, he'll ask for my phone and he'll like.

Copy baby.

Yeah.

He thinks it's for babies.

That's cute.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you play the new Schultz?

You're right.

Adam taking shots with Andrew Schultz.

Let's go.

No, let's clip this one.

Michael, let's chop this one up.

Adam Friedland taking shots.

The only shots I want to take are with the LMFAO.

Listening to their hit song, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots.

Wait, can I see that?

I think that has the copy on it.

Yes, it does.

Good.

For today?

Yes.

Oh, perfect.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

Yeah, okay, good.

No, you got to do this one first.

Sorry.

No problem.

Keep speaking.

You were saying something.

You were taking shots at Andrew Schultz.

I don't need that smoke right now, dude.

I don't need the, I don't want to.

Listen, we're all coming together.

I think you should, dude.

I think we're all part of a brotherhood.

Here's what I want to do: a big fight, right?

You, Andrew Schultz, and then I'm on your shoulders, and Akash is on his.

Oh, chicken fight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would love to just me and me and Akash going at it while riding.

And I'm like, I need more support.

You got to twist your hips, Adam.

You're crushing me.

My fucking, my punches are landing.

I'm barely putting a dent in this.

That'd be sick.

No, we like Akash.

Akash rented the show.

Schultz, not so much.

Adam's got a lot of negative.

I don't have any problems with anyone.

Adam has been.

I was just trying to think of crowd words.

Adam, before this one started, you should have heard the things he was saying about Joey Cocka.

You wouldn't believe some of the opinions this man has about

Andrew Cockawt.

I don't have problems with anyone.

I just want to make that clear.

You're calling him Andrew Pee P.

Schultz.

Oh, yeah.

You're calling him that.

Yeah, yeah.

Pee P.

Schultz.

Your name should be Joey Cockadas.

Adam Cockadas.

You're Adam Cockado.

I like it.

Anytime you get a nickname, it feels good.

I remember you about that time in 1987.

I shit my pants.

At the store.

We went to Cece's Pizza, and I took a dump in my pants before we even hit the the buffet line.

I said, I'm going to pre-game this week.

So I shit myself on the way in.

Yeah, my ba mitzvah.

Yeah, you should have seen my bomitzra.

I was at the Torah.

I got diarrhea all over the Torah.

The rabbis were crying.

That's God's love letter to man.

And you told you trade.

I know it looks like a big piece of toilet paper.

Today's

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this one looks like Ian put his mouth on it already.

Yeah, yeah, don't don't don't.

You know where that mouth has been.

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If I had a phone call with him last week, I talked to him last week, too.

How's he doing?

Ian's like just like, it's like Kurt Metzger, where people will be like, how's he doing?

And it's like,

as bad as he's always been doing.

Your fume comes with just as bad as he's always doing the same kind of weird.

Right.

You know what I mean?

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He's phenomenal.

Your fume comes with an adjustable airflow dial and is designed with movable parts

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Adam likes to play with a fad spinner.

What's that?

That's your gay.

That's weird.

I got no idea.

It spins up.

That's a little bit.

I just wanted to say it.

We all know what

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Man, this guy's gross.

This guy looks like you can use a fat fat.

You guys are so intriguing.

I look like you could use a fadet.

We all know what that is.

It's a five-foot-two homosexual that spins on your penis.

Guys,

the taste, the third time I tried it, it was more

flavorful than I expected.

It feels

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Not getting any smoke.

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Yeah, and you can't say that either.

Sorry to fume.

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Because it's not vapor.

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It's just what it is, it's it's uh, it's like an all-natural air fucking uh infuser, like you know how you get, like, uh, like this is to

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Oh, okay, you're right.

I'll drink lukewarm tap water right right yeah and live to what a hundred yeah like a japanese woman in the mountains no thank you you know i'm doing the best that i can

you know guys i was really surprised

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yeah that's nice yeah yeah and and uh the shape was phenomenal i i was like i i didn't expect how good the shape would be And I felt cool when I was using it.

I wasn't expecting that.

It hit my lips and it made me feel cool.

So that's the most important thing to Adam: feeling cool.

Yeah.

Feeling cool.

Atchant spinner.

Come on, guys.

Adam Cockado.

What if it's a Toy Story?

And Adam is Andy, and he puts the slinky dog up his ass.

And Andrew leaves the room, the slinky dog is like.

I was sharing yesterday about breeding stretch wieners.

Like a wiener dog that's even like like twice as long is there a way to do that

uh yeah so like this and then people ask me like what do you do i'm like i breed stretch wieners it's kind of what i think the knobs are wrapped around yeah yeah yeah i i have i have a puppy mill that makes stretch wieners

Well, just a mental image of like a wiener dog this long taking a dump because it's like it's just this part would tilt.

Yeah.

It's the whole thing stays the same and then this part just tilts down a little bit.

Yeah.

You could wrap it around your shoulders like a boa.

Yeah.

I was also thinking about a turtle.

I said this earlier.

I texted Stav, he didn't text me back.

I don't know what's going on.

And that it's I don't I don't understand why,'cause this is tailor-made for him.

But a turtle that uh

it's it evolves in such a way where there's no holes for the arms or legs or the face, there's only a hole for the penis.

So it's just an immobile shell that gets horny sometimes.

It's just it's you're in the forest and then you you just, you're like, what the hell is that?

A turtle?

And then it's just, its penis just comes out.

This is the tiny.

Is someone there?

No, this penis just comes out of the shell.

Can I fuck it?

Can I fuck you, please?

And then you leave and it just goes back in.

And then it probably dies of starvation within the first year of its life.

Yeah.

Right.

Where have you been?

You haven't been in the forest, have you?

It's none of your business, Dad.

Is that turtle cum all over your face?

April O'Neill, get down here right now.

There you go.

That was my favorite ninja turtle.

Is the one that's just a penis.

The one that's just a shell with a cock that comes out of the hole.

Yeah.

That's the one that Splinter bought from the store originally.

Yeah.

Well, that was dinner for the...

That's actually the plot of Kung Fu Panda 4.

There's a turtle that just as penis comes out.

Okay.

The panda's like, so this dude's like fucking a penis.

Yeah, so this dude's cock is just coming out of it.

I can't really do that.

Guys, I just want to get this out there.

Jack Black follows Adam on Instagram, and I've been asking, you got to ask him

on behalf of me

if, well, I'll just say I can't wait to see Kung Fu Panda 4.

I'm excited.

I did two last night.

You did?

I watched two.

How was it?

It's good.

They're good movies.

Are they?

I've seen the first one multiple times.

So I watched Kung Fu Pana 2 last night.

You like the first one?

I love the first one.

I took too much Kratom, and then I woke up this morning to a text message.

Go ahead.

You should say this, though, because it's fun.

Oh, yeah, I woke up to a text message.

It's like,

good morning, Nick.

We received your inquiry about opening a blimpy franchise.

Good.

We don't have any here.

Yeah, I didn't think you were going to be able to do it.

You would whack out on Kratom, but I didn't think they did.

I guess I inquired about opening the Blimpy for you.

And now some guy named Alan is texting me.

I didn't know it still existed.

There was one in downtown Parker.

I've been saying it because we went to see Shane at Radio City Music Hall and they had Jersey Mics in the green room.

Podcasting gives you brain damage.

And now it's like you just find yourself say, you just talk all the time, but your brain shuts off.

And I saw Jersey Mics and I'm like, well, you know, Shane's got a lot of money.

I want to tell him.

And I'm like, brother, you know what?

You want to know what I would invest in if I just, if I just made $80 million doing stand-up?

It's fucking Blimpy's coming back.

Just think about it.

Subway kind of knocked them out of the game.

And it was mostly Blimpy's fault because they went, Subway just focused on the subs.

Blimpy had good subs.

And then they did a bunch of retarded stuff.

They were like, oh, we're doing, like, they were having

weird recipes and things other than sandwiches in restaurants, yeah.

Or like soups and stuff?

Stuff like that.

And then they were also, they just didn't have any control over their franchises.

So some of them were selling like pizza and Chinese food.

They just didn't like, you know, like maintain.

But yeah, and it's like a post, and then Quiznos went away too, but Quiznos went away because.

But Quiznos was cool when it came out.

But they had a horrible franchise.

They had a horrible franchise model.

They like fucked over.

Anybody that got a Quiznos franchise got fucked over.

Got fucked over, yeah.

Because the company was a vendor, also.

Whereas other, like, if you have Subway, it's like Cisco brings the food or something, and then you get, you actually, because of the franchise fee, that you get like a deal

because of Subway's relationship with them.

Whereas Quiznos, it's like you had to buy the food from them in addition to paying the franchise fee.

Yeah.

But anyway, my brother had a catering job with a guy who owned Quiznos, and they were like waiting tables together.

Yeah.

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Back to your brother.

This is good with if you got autism.

Yeah, that's what they say.

So fortunately, no, it was literally designed that way.

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels nice in the hands.

I don't know if I love people telling me I have autism.

I might have it.

I tried doing a bit for a while about how I've never been diagnosed.

I've just been accused of it.

Accused of it, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And which

means your parents missed it.

You know?

I don't like that.

How is everyone autistic these days?

That's not.

I think, yeah.

They're not.

Everything is autistic.

No, it became, it's an extension of like

15 years ago and people go, oh, well, I'm a nerd.

And it's like, no, you just like the Batman movie that everyone saw.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not a nerd.

Right.

Everybody likes you.

Nerds sit around like fucking eating their own pimple juice.

That's what a nerd is.

That's not you.

You're just like a guy that's not particularly attractive.

Right.

You're not even ugly.

You just have breasts.

Right.

You're talking about me?

I didn't want to go there, but

Joey, Joey Titty DS.

What are some other fun names?

I don't know.

What the fuck does Coco mean?

I don't want to find out.

Yeah, I know, right?

It's like a

Joey Donkey call, you know what I mean?

He's not the coolest of girls.

Yeah, well, his baby died.

He started finger painting.

Is that true?

Like, no.

In sign language.

Like a gorilla.

Yeah, I got the name because after Robin Williams died, have you ever seen that video of Coco the gorilla reacting to Robin, the news that Robin Williams died?

Oh, yeah, they tell her.

Which also don't tell the gorilla.

Yeah, like I'd say it's so cruel.

It's really like, you know, that man you met?

He's dead.

You know?

And then, like, it's like, it's like, woman sad.

Like, really upset.

Right.

They were good friends.

They were, yeah.

Wow.

It would be fun to have an eight best friend, though.

Like Michael Jackson did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that lady tried it, but

the lady.

The lady that got her face ripped off.

Yeah, by Travis, the chimpanzee.

Because a lot of people have chimpanzees, but my understanding is you have to get rid of them when they turn like six.

Yeah, they become murderers.

Well, they get to a certain age.

They're like, wait a minute, why am I wearing fucking overalls?

Like, I'm a grown man.

Yeah.

Sort of.

I mean, I can't.

I'm an idiot.

I'm basically a fucking

ward of the state here, but I mean,

I know I have more self-respect than to be carried around in a fucking baby born by this infertile woman.

I think they're the only

strong.

Yeah.

I don't think chimps are super strong so much as humans are super weak.

Because we evolved to

do this, the podcast.

This is the ultimate.

We're at the peak.

I know you're joking, but

this is probably the best year of my life.

It is true.

And it's funny because it's like, you know, people get mad at like capitalism and stuff.

I love it.

Which is, it's probably bad, but it's like,

you know, I mean, it's better than, you know, I watch a cat lick its own asshole.

It's like, I don't have to do that.

You know, it's like,

I,

that's nice.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Even the guys that wrote the Constitution, they didn't have toilet paper.

I mean, they were fucking.

Is that true?

Probably.

Yeah.

I don't know.

When did that start?

1983 or something?

Well, that's why they had slavery.

That's why

they had toilet paper.

It was cotton back then.

Yeah.

all right, so they were just making it,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

The people that they stunk,

the best people to be are podcasters in the year 2024, right?

That's why it was so hard to end slavery, yeah, because you didn't get our toilet paper.

I do feel it's like it's upsetting to know that, like, no matter how much,

like, and I'm not, I mean, I do okay,

but like, even if I was making Blimpy franchise money,

I I couldn't I will never be able to ride a Zeppelin across the Atlantic no they're never bringing them back

I couldn't I couldn't go I'm like I'm like well folks off to the Empire State Building I've got a big Hitler balloon to catch to London yeah like that's like that that is the pinnacle of luxury to me yeah it's taking a four-day trip

no it took it took four days to go it was like a boat yeah yeah but it was like luxurious but there's yeah there's no better way to fly yeah yeah that's awesome.

Can you imagine Tim Dylan on a blimp?

I'm telling you, you got to be serious.

You got to take a blimp.

Taking pictures of a bunch of people.

You got to post on Instagram.

Yeah, I tell him, yeah.

No,

I was just talking to Quinn Territory.

You know, I got a day.

You got to take a blimp.

She went away.

You got to go.

Tim Dylan and Ray Comp dying of all these things.

I told Ray, we're taking a blimp.

Like, there's something wrong with those blimps.

There's three blimps and they're all going down.

They got two blibs.

Oh, my God.

What are the odds?

What are the odds?

It's three blimps at the same time.

Oh, my gosh.

That would be fun.

So they retired the Goodyear?

No, that's...

Do you really want to get into it?

I mean, you've explained it before, but I wasn't listening.

All right, so there's rigid airships.

Listen up, everyone.

And those, the old way, but actually, what happened was the reason the Hindenburg blew up is because at the outset of the war, the United States had in

Ohio, in Akron.

That's the only thing I know about Akron, is they had the reserves

is they had the reserves of helium.

And

helium elsewhere was very expensive, so they would use hydrogen as the lifting gas.

in

the blimps, which is like explosive.

And so helium, which was like, I think it's inert.

I don't know what inert means, but I think it's like much safer.

So, if it had just been American ships, it wouldn't have been as much of a problem.

But we wouldn't give helium to the Germans.

And then, so, yeah, the Hindenburg is filled with hydrogen.

There's probably a way to make them much safer now, or it wouldn't be an issue.

But after, like, when they just kind of sailed,

when those things explode, I mean, it's like, that is a spectacular catastrophe.

Led Zeppelin.

Yeah.

I mean, that's like, that video is fucking insane.

So,

but how many people were on that?

Probably like 15?

About 100.

Okay.

I mean, that thing was massive.

Yeah.

The Nazis were on it?

Like, like, it's like, no, not Nazis.

Well, I guess, yeah.

The pre-war Nazis.

Everybody, yeah.

Pre-war Nazis.

Where they're like, you know, like, they're like, yeah, I mean.

I hate Jews, but I'm not going to.

Seems like a lot of people.

I'm not going to fucking

list.

I'm just just going to ride on the blimp.

That seems okay to me.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, blimp-style Nazis.

Pre-Holocaust anti-Semitism, when it's just blimp rides and

smoking a cigarette at dinner, I think that's fine.

They had a lot of style.

Yeah, that's okay,

I think.

And then Hitler just fucked it all, went overbling.

He went to, yeah.

And he didn't even like the blimps.

No, yeah.

Yeah.

We're bastards.

Okay, that's the real casualty of the whole thing.

The blimps.

It would be awesome.

It just, I mean,

look, sorry, I don't mean to be like woke or whatever, but it just pisses me off knowing that

black women will never be able to.

Like, that's just an experience that they won't get to have on this earth because

of mistakes that white men made.

And they're not ready for that conversation.

They're not ready for that conversation.

And they're not ready for that conversation.

Thank you.

Speak on it.

Maybe that's how you get blimps back.

Yeah.

You convince enough.

Monique.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You convince

speak on it.

That would be, I would be.

I would love if we could turn the Adam Friedland show into something like Oprah, and then we could get an audience of nothing but like very, like, pre-menopausal black women.

And like, I come out, like,

everyone, just a quick announcement:

we've built a ZL1 Graph Zeppelin, and we are taking you all on a trip to Paris right now.

There's a blimp outside.

Let's go.

Oh my god.

Yeah, I would love that, dude.

I would love to spoil them.

Spoil the queens with the hair salon in the sky.

Yeah.

No turbulence.

Doesn't happen.

Doesn't exist.

Nothing.

Right.

Just coasting on a cloud.

Right.

To the Eiffel Tower.

To the Eiffel Tower.

It goes from the Empire State Building to the Eiffel Tower.

That's so sick.

That's so sick.

Unfortunately, to have that as an audience, that's one of the demographics I do worst with,

is older black ladies.

I get yelled at constantly.

It is very funny watching that happen.

They really don't like me.

And I don't say anything.

When I walk my dog around,

what do I say?

You're just

self-awareness.

You're always saying stuff, and then they hear it, and then they're like, fuck this guy.

It's not like they just look at you.

What do I say?

Well, you don't, you like, you have no live.

I don't know.

You have no spatial awareness.

You bump.

You have a comedy thing, right?

Go ahead.

Okay, well, that one time where you flipped off that black lady driving in front of your house.

I thought it was Stav's car.

There's a black lady just driving down the street.

Hold on, Stop.

Stop is arriving late.

And it's this woman.

Yeah, and then she rolls down the window.

That's an oddest mistake.

I thought it was Stop's car.

And I did like a, huh, here, here he comes.

And then it was an older black woman.

And then I said, sorry, what did she say?

Yeah.

She's like,

fuck you.

And I was like, I'm sorry.

What was the story in her head, though?

I've lived in Bedstock for 60 years.

and it's always been fine.

And now this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought you were my friend.

This transplant.

This guy's just giving me the finger.

And I live here.

Not today.

Yeah.

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

If I could find that lady and take her on a Zeppelin ride.

Yeah.

And the sad thing is,

people hear me say stuff like that and they think I'm

being sarcastic or mocking them.

And no, I mean that 100%.

I've believed everything you've ever said.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's a man.

Dude, a girls' trip, fucking blimp?

You keep the compromise, you keep the swastika, obviously.

Sure.

That has to make you keep that on the side of the blimp.

I don't know why that gets shot down.

It doesn't have to be the military.

They're back.

They see a blimp with a swastika.

At this point, what military?

I think almost every military in the world would be like yeah

sure all militaries like the nazis sure you know what i mean that's a good point there's no military that's like every military has a unit

if the place every military has a unit in the keyboard like right where they're like actually yeah the ss was sick dude

i guess you're right yeah

i don't know if you have to keep the swastika though after what they did necessarily

well it used to be like a tiny one.

How small?

Like, you know, like not really.

Did you see it from the ground?

No.

Oh, okay.

But

if you flew next to it.

Would the ladies see it?

If Tim Dylan's blimp passed it.

Well, his one obviously had a big one.

Yeah.

His would have the biggest one possible.

Oh, man.

But people talk about, like, they say air travel used to be a lot nicer.

Before the fourth deregulation, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd wear a suit.

The flight attendants were hot.

It also used to like just

be incredibly expensive.

Sure, yeah.

And it also wasn't nice because I think the planes were way less comfortable.

Yeah.

There was more space, but then they were just bouncing up and down all the time.

You had to stop in Greenland on the way to England.

Yeah.

Okay.

It wasn't that good.

Okay.

But the flight attendants gave pussy.

And they were called stewardesses.

Right.

Apparently.

Now, what's a job for hot women now that is going to be eventually outsourced?

You know, maybe in 30 years, like all the Hooters' waitresses will be

personal assistant.

That's all going to be Carl from The Simpsons.

Once The Simpsons generation gets a little bit older, they can get their own personal assistants.

They're like, Yeah, I want Carl from The Simpsons.

Okay.

That's that character's name, right?

Harvey Feierstein plays him.

Remember when Homer gets an assistant?

Homer gets a hair transplant, and he has hair, and so they promote him.

Is that like a moment?

No, it's way earlier.

Yeah.

Harvey Feierstein.

Yeah.

He's a good actor.

He's a good actor.

Yeah.

Homosexual.

Is he?

Yeah, most actors are.

Right.

Actually.

Yeah.

For pay, they say.

It makes sense.

Gay for pay.

Gay for pay.

What would your price be?

Did we say, I'd say that?

I was saying that.

I forget where I was saying that the other day, but I swear I think you tweeted it.

Oh, yeah.

What did you do?

Just

describing myself as gay for pay, because I think it means I like money.

I was like, he's back.

It's funny when

Kyla does your social media.

I just text her that shit, and then she'll send it off.

Oh, really?

Yeah, so I don't even know.

Well, because when she does it, she'll be like, hey, guys, please buy a ticket to my show.

Yeah, she put, you sound really nice.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah.

I'd love to see you there at the show.

Well, she has to do it.

I had to, like, literally, I had to hire Kylo because I will waste my life in the DMs.

Oh, shit.

With people being like, fucking idiot.

That's not season two of the sentences.

And I'm like, look, asshole.

yeah

the second year first of all what is a season even

i'm like fuck you going through their page your sister's dead so fuck you how about that yeah

nice funeral asshole i bet that's odds that someone's your parents address very quickly what's that nick nick's very good at like uh the internet he can like i don't know where this started this happened with because like a friend of ours had an issue where they're he like emails me he's like i heard you're very good at finding information online and i'm like well no i don't know who told you you that.

But there was an email, there was like a threatening email that had been sent.

And so, like, I looked at it and I noticed that after every period there were two spaces.

And so, I did like an Encyclopedia Brown thing.

I'm like, oh, this has to be a screenwriter.

So, I gave them that information, and they figured out who it was based on that.

Wow.

And I was like, oh, that's cool.

Yeah.

I feel like a detective.

I feel like Encyclopedia Brown.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, it's hard to

hard to solve mysteries.

Usually.

Yeah.

yeah, and that's funny when you know you realize that like

You could just per pretty easily murder somebody right.

Yeah, it doesn't cost very much too.

I think it's like fifteen hundred dollars really yeah, it's cheap.

That's why it's so funny then you watch movies like the transporter and you're like oh this guy would have a Toyota Corolla

I'll drive all the way to Lisbon and I'll whack him

for 25 bucks.

a sniper rifle?

It's like doing a weekend.

How about this?

Yeah.

Doing a one-nighter short.

Yeah, yeah.

You let me give you a blow-y, and that'll be that.

I'll consider that payment.

I suck your dick.

I'm gay for kill.

Gay for hits.

Gay for hits.

Gay for hits.

Statham's also a homosexual.

Did you know that?

Is he?

Yeah.

Well, Cat Williams talks a lot about him taking a lot of shots.

Yeah, yeah.

Andrew Schultz.

Right.

And he's homosexual too, right?

Andrew schultz no absolutely not yeah come on dude you're calm what are you worried

you've been talking so much about andrew schultz and why are you saying that

why are you saying that

you were like dude 1v1 dude i got 1v1 me and him i would wreck his ass dude you've been saying basketball yeah you've been just going off about how much better basketball you are than andrew schultz

And you were like, why the hell, why the hell can't I talk like that?

Well, I think like that, but I can't.

I would never talk like that out loud.

In my brain, it's just Wu-Tang.

Right.

In my brain, it's just, uh, I'm like, uh, you know, dead ass

dead ass this.

Um,

no.

So they're remaking Twister.

Do you see this?

No.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How you feel about that?

I don't know.

I mean, it's like the first movie is like, I mean, it's can you possibly fuck that up?

Yeah.

Could you possibly do a bad job of remaking Twister?

Yeah.

I was never really into, like, natural disaster movies.

Although, I guess they remade Roadhouse.

That just premiered with South by Southwest.

Oh, okay.

With Jake Gyllenhol?

With Jake Gyllenhol.

And it's the same director as the original.

And I don't know.

I guess I'll wait to see it.

It's going to be on Amazon Prime.

But how do you make it in 2024?

Because it's such a goofy story.

It's a goofy story.

But then the Baxter, this one, I guess, to like updated, he's like a former UFC fighter that killed his best friend in the ring.

Sure.

And it's like, that seems too dark.

Yeah.

Like, I don't think, like, if you were trying to get over that, you'd be like, well, time to beat people up at bars.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

That was a specific era, right?

Because like the 80s, you know, there was Cocktail.

He's a bartender.

There's, that was a big part of those high-concept movies is you pick any, you pick a mundane task, and then it's the guy that's the best in the world at it.

And somehow, like, and sometimes he's so good at it that it's going to stop the USSR.

You know, like, it's.

There was that Stallone truck driver movie movie

where he was also a professional arm wrestler.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's all part of the like Jim Cotta, Iron Eagle, over the top, you know, kind of like domain of guy who's who's so good at something that, you know, he's, it's, but it's, you know, shit that nobody would ever.

It's like, oh, he's the best at Rubik's Cue.

Right.

And we need you to go to Russia because there's a nuclear device

that has its puzzles very similar to Rubik's Cue.

And you're the only person that can solve it.

How would they update those today, though?

Like, what, like, sex change

surgery guy?

Like, he's the best penis maker in the world?

I mean, I can't.

Yeah, what would it be now?

Fucking trans?

In this world culture.

In this world culture, what would you transition?

In this world culture, like, you know, what you're doing.

Yeah, how would you even make over the top now instead of a troll?

You couldn't make that today.

So, ladies mad.

You couldn't make that today.

You couldn't make that today.

You couldn't make that today, actually.

With the Democrats.

With Biden.

Did you see Biden's Save the Union?

No.

He got through the sentences and stuff.

Yeah, they said he was on something.

They pumped him with something.

But he was kind of crushing it.

Yeah.

What happened?

Him and Marjorie Taylor Greene went back and forth.

They fought.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Apparently, she gives pussy.

That's crazy.

She gives pussy.

It's crazy that, yeah, that somebody was at CrossFit all sweaty and seeing that and being like, oh, dude, I got to fuck that uncooked chicken nugget.

She is so dunk.

I got to get a piece of that.

This fucking, this chewed up dog toy, Mr.

Potato had.

Can you imagine how pissed she fucks?

You know, she'd like fuck angry.

Yeah, yeah.

She'd be like, ah!

She'd like growl at you.

Yeah.

She'd ride big pissed.

Yeah.

Because that was the story, right?

She's like, had a husband, and then she'd cheated on her husband with some like...

It's a CrossFit guy.

Yeah, a CrossFit guy that was also like a Derek Chaveen style cop.

And then they, and then they, like, I think they opened their own CrossFit and then she was like, well, I'm going to run for Congress on like the

1820s South Carolina platform.

There was her and then there was the what the girl that owned a gun.

See, I like her though because she's

just.

She's like a mom.

She's like, yeah.

She's beautiful.

Well, she's not a mom.

No.

She'll get caught like giving her boyfriend a foot job in a bowling alley.

And then go to Congress the next day and be like, what?

She's just disgusting.

Yeah, she was getting her TV touched in a play.

Did you see that video?

Yeah.

I love that.

No, that was one of the controversy.

Then her husband got arrested for showing his penis to children.

At a bowling out.

But like aggressively.

Like they were like, are you still using this?

She's like, hell yeah.

He's like, well, peaceful.

I'll show you.

I got a number 13 ball right here.

That's funny because you hear that somebody shows their penis to some teenage girls.

But it's like, what's the story?

What was the lead up?

He could have been threatening them in the way that a baboon will

threw poo at the kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You threw turds at them.

Yeah.

Yeah, so we're at a bowling alley.

And I start flipping out.

I'm throwing poo-poo.

Yeah, that's how we got it.

Yeah.

How'd you know I throw cock?

It was cosmic bowling.

I couldn't see anything.

So I started throwing poo-poo all over the room.

I see this.

I see this like ripping real piece at you.

Yeah.

I must have thrown like 15 gallons of caca at these teenage girls.

I used to take

15 dumps a day.

Wow.

That's odd.

That's amazing.

The man is the king.

Just believing all of that.

Joey, you've done it again.

I used to take 15 dumps.

This is great, brother.

And I'd name all of them.

I give them all names.

And if they start off, I'd think about it for a while.

Like the first one was Diego Martino

Sanchez.

So that's why they call you Jelly Cock a Diaz.

It's crazy.

Because

he has a very identifiable voice.

There's like people that just have that kind of, it's like a certain tonality that you hear, timbre that he has.

It's like him.

I feel like Ed Burns kind of has it.

Luke Perry kind of has it.

There's a way their voice kind of like resonates through their skull, you know, that they all share.

But I haven't heard anyone.

Well, Tim's impressions never sound like the guy.

That's why they're so funny.

Yeah, he does a character.

His Alan Finn impression is like the funniest.

Yeah, which actually, I think Tim actually, Aaron Berg was the first one to do it.

Okay.

He stole it from the king.

And now I'm probably going to have to say Alan's going to hear this.

He hears everything.

He does.

More so than anybody.

Yeah, he's going to be like, you're going to have to delete that.

You've made a lot of enemies.

I've got the

that is a very funny character.

To take it there, yeah.

If you know, Alan Finn is a guy who he's ethnically Russian, but he does not have an accent at all.

He's from Queens or something.

And he was Tim's old roommate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Tim and Alan, Aaron Berg would do an impression of him.

Aaron started it.

He'd be like, hey, Mr.

Berg, how are you doing?

Such beautiful evening.

It's just not how he sounds at all.

I don't know what makes it so funny.

How do I perform at Stand Comedy Club?

How do I perform at such beautiful clubs?

Yakov screwed up.

Tell me, please.

I was just talking to somebody about Yakov the other day.

What a move.

Didn't you just go to Branson, Missouri?

Just pick a fucking town, and you're like, yeah, I'm going to be the king of this shit.

Well, that's...

Branson's like Vegas, but it's for like old people.

Isn't Vegas for old people?

Yeah, but Branson's like clean.

It's like...

When I went went to Skanks Fest last year, on the plane with us was like

two of those like

British kind of, they were Scottish women that were like,

I guess you call them slags or whatever.

Sluts.

Yeah, but like just like with the,

you know, like just disgusting, you know, like

a clown.

Yeah, just like really like a like a stereotype, you know, that I've only ever seen on like the internet.

And I was like, seeing them in real life, I was like, whoa.

Where is our site at?

There he's sitting down here.

And I was like, oh, my God.

This is like a creature.

You know, when you go to the zoo and you hear birds and you're like, they're that loud?

That's how loud this fucking thing is.

This is a beast.

Yeah, that's what it was like.

Seeing like a sand crane in person.

Yeah, it is insane.

They controlled the planet.

The British disgusted.

The Scottish didn't.

No, the Scottish.

Oh, they were Scottish.

I forgot.

Yeah, they're just now getting fried foods.

No, they only only eat fried foods.

Okay, sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

That's all.

Oh, apologies.

I'm sorry.

Apologies?

I apologize to you.

No, I apologize to you.

I apologize to you, dude.

I apologize to you.

I apologize to you.

Do you know that Scottish joke?

My dad's favorite joke?

No.

What Scottish joke?

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones say, hey, you, get off of my cloud.

And a Scotsman says, hey, McLeod, get off of my you.

Get off of my you?

A female sheep.

Yeah, yeah, female sheep.

Is that a thing that they

think they're like stereotype is that they fuck sheep.

Fuck sheep.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Disgusting.

Yeah.

Have you ever considered an animal?

Like, fuck sheep.

Yeah, you do that bit about a horse with a nice ass.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Yeah.

It is funny.

Like, yeah,

when you see a horse's ass and it's big,

you guys make it a big thing.

I remember, I would hear you do that bit all the time, and I have no idea what you're talking about.

Because to me, a horse doesn't have an ass.

What do you mean?

But you see,

they don't have butt cheeks.

It's just the end of the horse.

Yeah, they should with the end of them.

Yeah.

But it's not like they have, it's not like, I've never seen a horse where I'm like, oh, is that a horse from Brazil?

But when you're checking out an ass, it's like,

I don't think that's a good thing.

That horse got a BBO.

Yeah, I don't know.

But the the horses must be attracted to each other's asses.

Well, they must be attracted to the whole package.

They're like, oh, wow.

It's got such a long face and veins, face veins.

Look at the flies in her eyes.

Huge guy.

Yeah, do you think female horses are like...

You don't think they're like,

I'm a size queen.

They probably evolved that way.

But you don't think that this part of the horse is what gets the other horses going?

This thick.

That doesn't really look like...

That's not like an ass.

it doesn't look like an ass to me.

But everybody says horse is ass.

Like,

well, I guess I won't do the bid.

I guess I'll retire.

No, you can do the bit.

It's funny.

I'm not saying don't do the bid.

I laugh at it.

But I don't know.

It doesn't look like an ass to me.

Okay.

It looks like the back part of a horse.

It looks like a drumstick.

Yeah.

Yeah, but look, it's like thick and round.

Let's look up Randolin's ass and compare it.

Because that's like...

Who's Randolin?

Oh, that girl.

Yeah, she's got it.

I don't know.

I think I know what you're talking about.

Look, that looks like an ass.

Like,

somebody is probably turned on by this.

It sounds like you are.

I mean,

look, this is an ass.

Come on.

It is true that when you hear that there's a guy named Mr.

Hands that's fucked a horse, you assume that.

Where does Hands come from?

There's his name on the forum.

You assume that he's fucking the fucking.

One of those asses, Randler.

Okay.

That's Nick's

ex-girlfriend.

She's my ex-girlfriend, dude.

Yeah.

It's funny if you got divorced and that happened to your wife.

I would be like.

You see her at a parent-teacher conference.

You haven't seen her in forever.

So, what have you been up to?

You look different.

You look different.

She's like, oh, is that your girlfriend?

She can't fit through the door.

We've been seeing it

I'm actually doing great myself

that's fake all right no it's real yeah yeah she has like some kind of she was on Tosh.0 okay she has like some kind of medical thing okay

I mean it's insane yeah

is that does that like do anything for you what do you mean

do you find that attractive?

I did back when I had a libido probably 20 years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

And now I'm like,

I'm like, you could DVR four movies on Fios now.

That's the only thought I have.

I got Kung Fu Panda 3 on DVR waiting for me at home.

Is there something else we should talk about?

What's that?

Well, Kung Fu Panda's funny because he doesn't really like train.

Oh, yeah.

Wait,

just discreet about the ad read.

Is there something else we should talk about?

Is there something else we should be talking about?

Is there another, maybe, secret?

Do you have a secret?

Doesn't it sound like I'm gossiping about everything I say?

You do gossip a lot, and you lead with your always interested.

I say if it's a gossip.

Yeah, but you love telling.

I'll say, like, do you want to get Chabot for lunch?

You're like, look, it's fine.

Maybe you want to get Chabola.

It's always fine to...

Yes, you do say things like you're gossiping.

And it's fine to gossip.

It's fine to talk shit.

It's even fine to be like, is hyperbolus a word.

I'm gonna say hyperbolic, hyperbolic in in in the things that you say

no, it's a little crazy.

I just had three slices of pepperoni pizza

pizza,

pretty good, pretty good.

No, but God's punishing me for defending you because that's what I'm doing right now.

No, no, you're not doing that, you're

if anything, backhandedly, maybe defending me.

I don't know.

I don't gossip.

Are you having a heart attack?

My heart's not over here.

No, I have indigestion from eating three slices of pepper and...

Where's your heart?

Your heart's here.

Oh, interesting.

And it probably might not even be indigestion.

It's like the, you know, the little muscles in between your ribs, intercostal muscles.

I'm getting cramps and that shit all the time because I have terrible posture.

Yeah, me too.

I'm never going to fix it, I feel like.

I'm too old to fix my posture.

How do you fix it, though?

It's like you never know you're doing it.

Why not?

I've seen pictures or like when we act and stuff for the show and I'm like it's disgusting it seems like it's so easy to fix I look like I shouldn't be allowed near a school

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Did they up that?

Huh?

$1,000 for the bonus?

It's pretty fucking big.

When was the last time you saw the great mouse detective?

It's been a while.

I watched it like maybe three years ago during the pandemic.

It's really good.

It's good, right?

There was some woman recently I was saying looks like Radigan.

Okay.

And then

I know

who?

Wasn't it my girlfriend's friend?

No.

Oh, never mind.

No, she doesn't look like Radigan.

You said her.

She looks like the gremlin from Hair Power.

She's very nice.

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Radigan kind of looks like

a dummy thick goth Latina.

I love dummy thick Latina.

You know, like, yeah, yeah, Dummy Thick Goth Latina is like Radigan's look.

So I was thinking about somebody, and I was like, yeah, she looks like Radigan.

And then I remembered that I had not seen Great Mouse Detective in a long time.

The scene where all the bad guys are drinking that pink wine looks like so much.

Awesome scene, dude.

And the Radigan does a song.

His mandatory gay villain everyone suck me off song.

Yeah.

Like everybody has to talk about how fucking awesome I am.

Oh, like the Gaston song.

The Gaston song is the best example.

Kung Fu Panda 2 has one.

It's a gay peacock.

That's the bad guy.

Yeah, and he has like wolves that all worship him.

So sick.

And he was like, I killed your parrots.

Peacocks all that has to be the gayest animal.

Even if you get pussy, you're still kind of gay.

You're still kind of gay.

You have a big, like, you're, like, show showy.

Yeah.

You're kind of musical theater vibe.

Yeah.

All the Disney villains are very, like, queer-coated.

Yes.

It's kind of funny.

Jafar.

Yeah, Scarlet.

Star.

Yeah.

It's weird that that is now just a uh it seems like it's like a public domain bit.

What?

Like pointing out that the Disney Rollins are dead.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, I feel like James Odomian is the first person that

just did that as a bit.

But then I've seen other people just say it.

Sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I guess because it's so true.

I'm not sorry.

I'm not calling you out or anything.

No, no, no.

You're right, though.

It is.

A lot of people have said it.

Yeah, but I'm not saying it like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm making a different remark about why is that?

Nobody's like,

wait a minute, that's a James Domian thing.

You know what I mean?

Like, there's certain things that everybody can just.

It's a Berenstein's Bears kind of situation.

No, that's completely different.

It's a little bit of a Berenstein's Bears.

He just doesn't really understand what stealing Jokes is.

I think it's

the Mandela effect a little bit.

No, it was a Mandela effect.

I didn't steal.

I didn't steal.

There's two types of black people.

It was a Mandela effect.

Yo, at a different timeline, Adam wrote that.

What is

what is the Mandela effect?

Is that people thought he was dead?

People thought he was dead.

Yeah, people thought he died in jail.

Oh, okay.

And it was like 50% of society thought he died in jail.

They have like memories of it.

Like dying in jail?

Yeah.

And it's like the Berenstein Bears.

It's Baron Stain.

It's Baron Stain.

Yeah.

Which I could have sworn, you know, it was with an E.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then people think there's a movie with Sidney.

Well, it's because what the fuck is Baron Stain?

That's not like.

What's Baron Stain?

Yeah, I mean, that would make sense because it's like, yeah, the name is stupid.

Yeah.

It's not like people thought it was like the Bergdorf Bears.

Right.

It's like it's a name that shouldn't exist.

Right.

But

is there a chance that our teachers were like spelling it wrong?

Maybe?

The Berenstain bears?

Well, I don't...

Were they writing it down?

Yeah.

They taught that in your school?

Yeah.

No, here's, you know what I think it is?

Honestly, I think about it because it's like most of my consumption of Berenstein Bears, Berenstain Bears, was before I knew how to read.

That was like a thing that they like you would like in first or second grade.

So it's like early reading.

So it was read to you.

So you would just hear it.

You were never actually reading the name Berenstain Bears.

So you would just hear Berenstain Bears, and then it became Berenstein Bears in your head when she learned what Jewish people are.

When did you first learn what Jewish people are?

I'm trying to think about, like, yeah, like learning about the Holocaust and how I, because I told this story before.

I can't remember if it was the Holocaust or the siege of Leningrad, learning about it, but like either when they liberated the camps or the siege ended and the soldiers came in and they had a bar of chocolate that they gave to like that.

And I remember being a kid being like, damn, that must have tasted so good.

That's your big takeaway.

Lucky.

No, literally, just jealous.

And I'm like, can you imagine how good that life is?

Oh, chocolate?

Okay, and Nick will do his presentation on it today.

Nick's going to give his book report.

I made a chocolate diorama of Auschwitz, but I accidentally ate half of it.

And then they did.

Just marching little chocolate people into the into the into the office

in front of the glass.

And pulled a bottle train up and little chocolate in it.

And then they died.

You're right.

Uder did use chocolate diorama.

I begged you to look at my phone.

I begged you.

I begged you to look at my phone.

Yes, very good joke.

What a funny show.

I guess I'm a jokes thief myself.

Yeah, aren't we all, though?

Yeah, but I wasn't calling you out.

Mike.

No, that's true.

It's all right, dude.

Yeah.

But I think we all do it.

You know, we all borrow from each other.

From The Simpsons, certainly.

Yeah, yeah.

Or we all go, oh, the situation, you know.

It's like,

I feel like you and I have very original premises.

Because they're all just like...

They're all just like borderlines.

What about my premises?

Like what?

What's your biggest joke, would you say?

I don't know.

What do you close on?

I kind of love all of them

on

the crisis actor.

Which one is that?

I don't want to say it.

It's going to my special.

I can't burn it right now.

When I went to theater community.

Wait, wait, wait,

wait.

It's original.

You've heard it a million times.

Would you like to describe it for us?

No, I'm not.

Mike's heard it.

What?

You know that bit I close on.

What?

The Christmas character.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that an original premise?

It's pretty original, yeah.

Thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

I got it.

I got it.

That's not bad.

There was a time when Deb would be like, you know, I think Adam's actually my favorite stand-up of the three.

Between Nickstov and

what, when they gave her an epidural during the 80s,

I was in the hospital doing my act for her.

I was doing some.

She almost died giving birth.

Yeah, I go down to the OBGYN and do sort of a Patch Adams thing.

Yeah, the doctors wanted to put her to sleep, you know?

I'm sort of like a Patch Adams, but in the masectomy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm kind of a volunteer Patch Adams.

But she does like your stand-up.

Ooh, well, thank you.

And she said, one time she said, I think Adam's my favorite stand-up.

Wow.

But yeah, she's...

That's insane because you're also a comedian, and that's your wife.

She's probably just being a bitch to you.

She's like,

who's the worst comedian Mike's friends with?

She's like, that guy's good.

Yeah, there's like, there was like,

I don't even know who.

I mean, I'm sure he knows, but somebody's, you know, story about...

Fucking Lewis.

Was Lewis married?

No.

Remember James's mother was?

Would say that Nate Bargatzzi was her favorite comic.

Meanwhile, we were like dating.

Yeah.

It's very funny.

It's a lot of pressure, though, to be your wife's favorite comedian.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's why you go to date.

She don't want to be comedy.

She hates comedy.

My girlfriend hates comedy.

Really?

Yeah.

That's how I know she's the one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She doesn't like going to see me do comedy.

That's good.

She doesn't have Instagram.

Yeah, because I feel like you couldn't respect someone that thought comedy was good.

If they're a comedy fan, it would be the biggest turnoff in the world.

Right.

Yeah.

I'd be like, what are you, a fat guy?

What are you an ugly man?

You got me.

She pulls off the mask, and

it's a Gilden Heavy triple XL hoodie in black.

She's the mandatory comedy fan hoodie.

Wait, what's the mandatory comedy fan hoodie?

A Gilden Heavy quadruple XL black hoodie.

It's Gilden Heavy.

Gilden Heavy is a brand of t-shirt blanks.

Blanks, yeah.

But they're formless.

It's just like heavy canvas.

It's like the kind of, it's the material you would hide a tank with in World War II.

It's just like thick, you know.

So if you're you're like, if you want to just cover your disgusting body with a fumigation tint,

you get a Gilden Heavy.

When

I was printing t-shirts, I had the brand I was using, they were like sort of like more of like an athletic fit.

And I would get a lot of angry messages.

Yeah.

They were like, I look like a giant nipple.

We're the fat shirts.

You know who your audience is.

Yeah, every time I printed a t-shirt, small, it was the only one that didn't sell.

Yeah, I think I sold like one small t-shirt

for girls.

Yeah.

Some guy ordered like a 4XL from me.

And then

he never left me.

He just died.

I'm just stuck with with a, yeah.

Do you have merch?

A blanket.

Do you have merch?

You know, I sold t-shirts like last summer.

A smart merch move is you do the t-shirt rollout.

You only sell seven XL.

Yeah.

And you only print 10 of them.

7XL.

You put them up for sale.

And then once you see the shirt on an episode of My 600 Pound Life, you release all the regular.

That's pretty cool.

You make a shirt that

fits.

the fat is people so fat that they get on television.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

yeah because then it's like they're really not buying your merch they're buying the only shirt that fits yeah there's like six of them yeah right right they can only wear yeah exactly a bed sheet with holes cut in it or an adam fridland show shirt

can you imagine somebody sitting there in dr now's office just wearing

wearing it wearing an adam fridland painting shirt yes Yes, absolutely.

I will stick to the diet 100%.

I've never been more committed to anything in my life.

Just feet turned in.

Just flip-flop, turned sideways.

I'm gay, my dick is small.

You're fat and your shirt is ugly.

Okay,

your shirt is a fancy.

Fancy fancy you're wearing.

And then you just drive all the way back to Ohio in a giant crock.

Yeah.

You have a crock with wheels.

He always wants them to stay in Houston to meet their weight.

Well, they have to.

They have to a lot of times to get like a hotel.

Yeah, yeah.

I watched more of that show than anything else.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nick loves that show.

Yeah.

That one in Seven Little Johnson.

One time I was like hammered.

It was late at night and Nick put it on and it started stressing me out.

Yeah.

I was like, come on, dude, we're too drunk for this.

He's like, no, you gotta see how fat this guy is.

Yeah.

This one's good.

There's a clip going around.

Somebody, he was like, you're not eating the vegetables?

And the lady was like, I'm kind of a picky eater.

You're not a picky eater if you're at 600 pounds.

Yeah, my favorite part is when they get on the scale.

And then the scale that they have on the show will do this like boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop.

It's like let's bring

the games as the same.

Yeah.

I watched the episode Wheel of Fortune the other day too.

I haven't checked in on that in a while.

That guy, Pat Sajak, hasn't figured out.

You know he like gang shoots the entire year

in like three weeks.

They shoot every episode.

He's like, no, no, Fanna White makes like $75 an episode.

That's what I'm sure.

That can't be true.

She's overpaid?

I've heard she's like underpaid.

Oh, underpaid.

No, I heard she doesn't make very much.

Well, I'm sure it's something like he makes a hundred million dollars an episode and then she probably gets two million dollars an episode.

He loves Trump.

Okay, yeah.

He's big MAGA, Sage I.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He tweets a lot about it.

He does?

I think so.

Yeah.

He's pretty good.

Pretty good one to check out.

I love Wheel of Fortune.

I love the part where like, uh, you know, they'll show you where the million dollars was.

You know, so it's not like, oh, you didn't hit the million dollars.

You're always like, he's just like, he's like, yeah, let's see where that fucking thing went.

That's like 40 years.

It's like, where the hell was that shit, anyways?

Here it was.

This would have been it.

But you didn't get it, so fuck off.

He's got to be like in his 70s.

Yeah, probably.

What about all these guys that hosted the newlywed game show and the dating game?

Like, they don't really work anymore.

Like, Bob Eubanks.

And Chuck Wolverine, like, he's like a big MAGA guy.

I don't think he works anymore, though.

It's the MAGA

game show industrial complex.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They only get

MAGA guys with great voices, great hair.

Yeah.

Yeah, Woolery did a bunch of those.

Yeah.

Those are kind of fun, those dating game shows that my grandparents would do.

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March Madness.

Big, big money.

Thousand dollar bonus.

Yeah.

I used to have to go to my grandma's house to watch Wheel of Fortune in Jeopardy.

I remember one time I found her golf set and I swung it like a baseball bat and I got in big trouble.

Why?

I got hit.

You hit something?

I got hit.

That was the one time you got hit?

No, I got hit.

I think we all got hit, no?

You just said your mom only hit you one time.

My mom only hit me one time.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, she would pay.

Did you break something or just no, I was just swinging it around the you know, I was a little kid.

I don't know.

I was like, I was just trying to practice golf.

Yeah.

But yeah, I got in big trouble for that.

One time I called my brother a motherfucker and he like told, he told my grandfather.

And my grandfather just came in the, I was watching TV and

he just came in and started like beating me with both of his hands.

That's my daughter.

He's just like,

he's just like, ah, and then, but then he left and I was like, I didn't, it didn't hurt because he was so old.

Yeah.

He was just like

Which other was it?

Not the disabled one, the regular one He's a good guy.

But he like snitched on me.

What a bitch.

Yeah.

You're the oldest?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I was like, what was that?

That's the cross you have to bear.

Yeah.

I used to tell my sister I wish she was a guy so I could get better at fighting.

I was like, I would be way better at fighting.

Yeah.

That's the reason.

But she could probably kick your ass.

Yeah, you should be practicing on.

You can't kick mom.

On her than your mom.

I would be surprised surprised if

it's like Mortal Kombat.

You got to go from Adam's sister to Adam's mom.

I feel like Zoe could beat the shit out of you probably.

No, she can't.

Not at all.

Not at all.

I feel like she could.

No.

She has more vitality than you do.

Au joie de vive.

She has a strength.

She has a strength that you don't have.

But you can't, if a man's dead already inside, the depths that I'll go to.

You're not dead already inside.

You listen to like Vanga boys at home alone.

You could not possibly be further from being dead inside.

You should try to fight my wife.

I'll give you permission.

No, I'm her favorite comedian.

Then she won't say it anymore.

Yeah, but you should like to see if or maybe you'll beat her and then it'll confirm her.

Wait, you're going to take a hit out on your wife?

Yeah.

You're going to pay someone to f to fight your wife.

Yeah.

It would be very embarrassing to lose to a woman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's pretty

scrappy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My freshman year of high school smashed my phone into a wall a few months ago.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

She threw it?

Yeah.

Why?

You know, it's just something she found on there, but she like put my phone on there.

She's like, Deb is cancer.

If you look at the speech pathology center, it makes you fire her.

Domestic abuser, rapist, Deb, we're seeing.

Yeah.

Something she found.

What did she find?

Nothing.

It's a drawing of me wearing Mario's clothes and having a milkshake with Sonic.

So you got Microsoft page drawing.

It's me.

It's me.

It's Shrek, and he's pregnant with me.

I've got Sonic's hair.

Mike, why would you have that on your phone?

That's weird.

You're a married man.

You don't understand R.

Mike.

Mike.

I don't know.

He's pregnant with me.

She found it.

She found a Venmo receipt.

I paid $800 for it at a Benjamin's college fund.

She had a gun.

What are you doing?

Stop it.

She didn't talk about it.

She talked about how our mothers are monsters.

She took me to a ravine.

She tried to make a statement.

She took me to a ravine.

We did a mock execution, ISIS style.

She made me dig the hole.

She made me dig the hole.

She clicked the trigger.

No bullet came out.

I put my pants.

She laughed at me.

You ever seen a movie?

It's like Alpha Bravo or something with Sean, Sean Bean?

No.

Who's that?

You know who Sean Bean is.

Bravo 2-0.

Came out in 1999.

Sean Bean plays.

I guess it's based on a true story with these

SAS soldiers that got

kidnapped by the Mujahideen.

And then at one point he's just, I don't know why it popped into my head, but he's just, he keeps saying, I'm just a British soldier.

He has like severe PTSD and he's forced to like lick shit off of a a toilet seat.

What movies?

Bravo 2.

Yeah, Bravo 2-0.

But I just remembered that popped into my head.

I don't know even what we were talking about, but just the mental image of Sean Bean

just

licking shit off of a toilet and saying, I'm just a British soldier.

That's what they do.

Did your mom ever watch fucked up movies and she would describe them to you?

Yeah.

Dude, one of the best things about having a podcast is like, you know, I fucking like there's some things I've forgotten where I could just describe like a rough, which I guess now you can do with Chat GPT.

Yeah, there was a movie I saw as a kid on TV one time,

which now, thanks to some audience member, it's called The Power of One.

But it's just about this boy that has to go to a new school in South Africa and then he gets bullied and they like push him in the middle.

Oh, I remember that movie.

And they all piss on him.

And I just remember the scene of him being like pissed on.

Yeah.

And then, you know, I'm like, well, I hope that doesn't fucking happen to me.

I hope I don't get fucking pissed on.

Yeah, I was scared of going to middle school and people make fun of my clothes.

Yeah.

I thought that was going to happen.

Yeah.

I was scared to go.

I was like, I was like, I was going to go to the sundress and the hat with the flower on it.

I was scared to go to high school because I thought it would be cruel intentions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw that movie when I was in eighth grade and I was like, God, high school's going to be a nightmare.

It's going to be a nightmare.

Yeah, a lot of oval sunglasses.

You have to be rich and fuck your sister.

They're going going to find out my clothes are from the gap and they're going to

find out I'm gay.

They're going to find out I'm

any road dates coming up, Mike?

I'll be in Zane's.

I'll be at Zaney's in Chicago on April 3rd.

Great, cool.

So, yeah, that'll be fun.

And then I got my special will be out on March 21st.

It'll be on YouTube, on the Alphorsmokes

YouTube channel.

I'm very excited.

Very important day.

Everyone check it out.

Guys,

I will be in Detroit this weekend at the House of Comedy with Caleb Pitts Friday and Saturday four shows.

I'm at Charlie Goodnights next weekend in Raleigh, North Carolina.

There's a couple other things to plug.

Dan Soder special.

Yeah, I got

Dan St.

Germain special.

Rodney Danger.

I got Rochester March 11th.

May 11th.

Comedy at the Carlson.

Dan Smaller Special.

Dan St.

Germain Special.

Somebody else asked me to plug something.

Craig Stone.

Craig Stone is a special.

Fuck it.

Why not?

I don't care.

I hope that was hilarious.

Yeah.

Craig Stone's great.

All right.

Thanks a lot, guys.

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