The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 33

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Welcome to the Adam Freelance Show podcast.

I just want to quickly mention our friend Kenny DeForest who passes away yesterday.

It's a really tragic loss in the comedy community.

Why?

He's our friend.

You're just going to make fun of it?

I'm not making fun of it.

You said I want to quickly laugh at.

I said recognize.

Oh.

You take everything I say in such bad faith.

I said I wanted to quickly laugh.

Even if I was laughing at it in private, would I on our podcast that's listened to by dozens of people, would I say that about Kenny?

I would quickly mock it.

What I heard was, before we get started, I'd like to quickly mock the death of

our friend Kenny.

Yeah.

Okay, maybe I misheard you.

I don't know.

Really sad news.

I just read,

it's pretty, I was just saying to Nick, it's pretty rare in the comedy community for someone,

I mean,

literally no one had anything bad to say about Kenny.

And it was always, he was my next-door neighbor for a while.

He was.

Did he move back into that place?

He was there temporarily when he got back from L.A.

If you came to the shows in Salt Lake last year, Kenny was the guy performing with the bald guy.

The bald guy.

That was a fun weekend.

Yeah, he was driving cross country.

Yeah, he was driving cross country and then me and him were like chilling that week and we were like, oh, we'll do stuff and there's just fucking fuck all to do in Salt Lake.

It is the worst place in America.

Yeah.

Yeah,

we went to like a Vietnamese restaurant that I guess was in, it was in a neighborhood that had like

chain link fences.

Like that's what seemed to be bad about the neighborhood.

And then then it's the bad neighborhood.

The lift driver was like a, like, you know, like

a smash mouth type of guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, let me tell you something.

They will jack you up here.

He's like, I don't know where y'all are from, but you are entering one of the most dangerous areas in Salt Lake.

And it's like, first of all, this is like the United States of America.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think there's like a single neighborhood that's just completely a no-go zone at 10 o'clock in the morning.

No.

Yeah, it just doesn't.

It's not, you know,

I don't say Africa, but you know, a place like what I would imagine Africa to.

Yeah, we'll say

southern Lebanon.

It's not east Berlin.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

It's not like you, yeah.

But

yeah, we did that and then, and then, yeah, there was like nothing else to do.

It is so, it is, yeah, it's bizarre there.

I remember you look on Google Maps and I was like, it was that weekend I was alone.

I didn't have a hook.

Yeah, he was was moving cross-country, and he's like, I was like, trying, it was like, we did one of the nights of the shows, and I was like, can I get a ride back to the hotel?

He's like,

I'm like, what do you mean?

You're not going to give me a ride back?

He's like, I just don't know if there's room in the car.

I'm like, well, that is impossible that there's not this motherfucker literally, like to the brim.

Yeah, passed the entire car.

I squeezed in there, though.

It would be cool if you just rode on the side.

Like, it was like, yeah, no, but like, the dash was filled.

He had the entire car.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, when I was in Salt Lake.

So where did he move?

Did you see him after he got back to New York?

Yeah, well, he moved back.

Yeah, he moved next door to me for a while.

And then I think he moved elsewhere because I think,

yeah, whatever.

But

yeah, when I was in Salt Lake, someone got arrested at that show.

At my show.

The Wigger.

There's a guy, yeah.

I was telling a joke about Whoopi Goldberg, and then he was like blacked out.

And then he said something, and I was like,

you know, shut him down.

And he's like, you just ignorant.

He said, like,

you're like talking to me and you ignorant.

Somebody brought a gun to the show, my show in Salt Lake.

Just

for protection.

She brought a firearm and then left it at the club.

Somebody stole it.

Somebody stole her gun.

They had to like check the security camera.

She had

a permit, I guess.

I don't know.

The manager told me that.

They were like, yeah, this lady called because she

man i am not looking forward to going back out on the road yeah i'm starting oh by the way guys i will be in tampa florida on the 19th and 20th of january so if you're in

you're doing side splitters i'm doing side splitters that's a that club's awesome i hear it's really fun yeah i hear it's really fun tampa's cool too i did immediately this you'll you'd like you'll like tampa yeah what well it's trash i feel like it's vegas with the coast uh i i like we only

really like one afternoon we went down to the what is it Ibor City?

What is it?

It's like a Cuban area.

It's like where all the Cuban immigrants move.

So that's where there's like bars and kind of

you know like fun stuff.

But for the most part, it's like I just you know, my move is I'll just get the I'll go in a hotel tonight and see what's near the club.

So I was just at a holiday inn.

Same one that

What's his name?

The comic that talks like this

he's friends with jim norton he was on used to be on opi and anthony all the time jim florentine i can remember his voice but not his name same one he what how you doing what he was at the holiday analytics he was at the other side spoilers and then we were all at the same hotel oh cool yeah no i'm excited about uh going there i'm gonna go with caleb so

It's much better just having a friend on the road.

Yeah.

It sucks being alone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just, but whatever.

Yeah.

So if you guys are in western Florida, the Tampa Bay,

the Tampa St.

Petersburg area, please come on out.

January.

It'll be nice also not being in the cold.

But

yeah, yeah.

No, that guy got arrested on my show.

But the crowds and so like were also very weird too, because you could tell that they're, they were all Mormon.

They all left the church.

But so they're like just drinking beer but they still have the same sensibility like in terms of naughtiness they'd still be like oh you know um so you couldn't go like you couldn't go too blue with them but uh i kept getting applause breaks when i was because like i would talk about I remember I talked about like growing up with Mormon people and I was like, yeah, and their moms were just like somehow 24 years old and like the hottest woman you've ever seen.

And then I was like, yeah, they were all married to like gay guys.

And every time I'd say that on a show, it would get an applause break.

But I had no idea that like pretty much like it's a, it's a down low brother type of community.

And that is like apparently like a consistent thing in their whatever.

But they're great people.

I love Mormons.

I grew up with a ton of them.

And

well, rest in peace, Kenny.

Rest in peace, Kenny.

Hit by, and it seems like he's avoided it.

But the worst part about dying while riding a bicycle is that you're then memorialized as a cyclist.

That has to become your entire identity.

Are there headlines about it?

I haven't seen it, but that's, I always, anytime I pass by an intersection, they're like, a cyclist died here.

And it's like, well, that was probably just a guy riding a bicycle.

Yeah.

You shouldn't just

go to work.

His identity is cyclist, that he's part of your weird, dumb bicycle community.

Well, it's still, also, you're like imagining he's wearing the outfit.

You know, you're right.

The outfit.

He's wearing the stupid outfit.

But there's also, too, it's like, that's like a punk thing.

It's like being, that was like a New York.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It doesn't really exist.

It's a 60 guys, yeah.

Well, that was just New York hipster in general.

But like, yeah, like cycle at the guys, the guys get really angry about like the bike lane.

Yeah.

You know, but at the same time, they're also like, get the fuck out of my way, pedestrians.

Like, you don't really care about anybody's safety.

You're just.

Yeah.

It's the second person I've known that's actually died on a bike in New York.

On a bicycle, yeah.

It's not worth it.

No, scary.

Yeah.

Too scary.

Yeah, I guess I don't really know the details of what happened.

My friend Chris sent me a video.

You know Chris.

Yeah, so he was just taking a video.

Yeah, he's just taking a video outside of the window of

his apartment, and he's like,

yeah, a dump truck ran over an old lady.

He's just like, he's just filming.

Why was this impulse to grind?

I don't know, but he was like filming it and sending us a video of them like cleaning up.

Crazy, man.

Yeah, they set up a like a like a like a like a tent area, like a like cordon coordinate off and then they

investigate, they bring a crash investigation team.

The other bike accident,

the first one, the guy I knew was a garbage truck.

Who was that again?

It was this guy I knew from

before college.

No, you told us that.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, it's horrible.

You know, and not to bring myself into it, but my car, while it was parallel parked, and hit by a Hasidic bus.

So, you know, I feel like I can empathize a little bit with the cyclists of the city.

Also, the Gazans.

And the Gazans, probably the Gazans as well, and all victims of genocide.

That's funny, so they just stole your car.

So the Hasids destroyed your car.

They caused a lot of damage.

Destroyed my car.

And they had their own insurance company come and take your car, and now they won't give you your car back.

No,

Volvo got my car.

Okay.

And then they sent it to their collision center.

Because you have a lease, so Volvo takes the car.

So Volvo took the car and then they sent it to the collision center.

And now the Khasid

insurance company has not sent out a claims adjuster.

So it's just sitting in

Tuckahoe, New York.

My car.

And it's been a month and a half.

It's, yeah, pretty crazy.

Anyway,

enough of this death talk.

What about life?

Nick and I actually had a very nice night last night, just to catch you guys up.

We had a tremendous.

What is that?

I don't know.

It says it on the knife.

I got to drop these off down.

Hopefully that Victor Enoch store is still.

The flagship?

You can just take

these to

the Swiss Army knife store and then just give them to them and they'll send them off to get reconditioned.

Really?

Yeah, and they just send...

They basically, I think they just send you a new knife.

Do they?

Yeah.

I would imagine that's something that you would get into doing yourself.

Reconditioning?

No, you have.

After all these years, you still have no idea.

You don't really know me at all.

What do you mean?

That's not something I would do.

You tried to resurface a cast iron pan once, and then you got heavy metal poisoning.

Yeah.

So that's kind of a similar kind of move.

Well, I didn't try to resurface.

I remember you're like...

You're re-seasoning the pan, but you can just take a...

I should have used a better instead of just like a

95, like or the painter's mask.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a rest.

You're like, I have metal in my lungs.

Yeah, I was like sneezing black afterwards.

It was pretty disgusting.

Yeah, no, but I saw a friend of mine actually go to do the same exact thing.

Yeah, just put a,

like, whatever those, like, I guess they're called like

a Rolox pad, or you call it, or...

Like it's basically a scotch bright pad on an angle grinder and take down the, like when you get a lodge cast iron, and then just take it down real smooth and then reseason it with like better oil.

But I saw him like literally about to make the same move.

I'm like, you better

put a respirator on.

Well, it didn't go my lungs just had like black snot.

Oh, yeah, black boogers.

Classic.

Yeah, man.

So anything else to report?

We have to work this weekend, you and I.

Well, we always have to work.

I know.

The work doesn't end until

Don Lemon wants to buy the show.

That's what he said.

He said it's the finest.

I don't want to get a cart before the horse here, but there's talks of Don Lemon and Hassan Piker teaming up to buy the Adam Friedland show to launch a new network.

Kind of like an alternative media network.

Lemon.

Lemon and Hassan.

Yeah, yeah.

That is kind of a dream team, if I can imagine it.

The Lemon and Hassan News Network.

Yeah.

It kind of covers all demographics.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got Don Lemon fans, you got Hassan Piker fans.

You got the news fan.

They're Elvis.

Yeah.

And they're both doing Elvis impersonations the whole time.

It's got everything you want.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it just feels great to finally get the recognition because it's been eight years of this, of us being in journalism and media.

And,

you know, we were ignored, I think, by the mainstream for too long you know and I think now like kind of we are walking on the shoulders of giants or you know and

you know open invitation to to if we're close we're pretty close to going mainstream we're pretty close to mainstream yeah yeah I think so which would be devastating for a certain type of

I think it's starting to devastate them I think it's starting to dawn on them that we are...

We're basically Huda and Kathy Lee.

Do you think one of them is going to kill your girlfriend?

Why my girlfriend?

Well, you know, to get revenge on her for

making the Adam Friedland show mainstream.

Well, it's.

Because she's the one the entire time that's been like, you need Neil deGrasse Tyson on the show.

Yeah.

You need to have news guys on the show.

Well, it's been her family in general.

Yeah.

They're like, you...

They're like...

I've been saying we should interview Gravedigger.

The truck, yeah.

The truck.

And I made the arrangements to get it through the door.

Yeah, my girlfriend has been a massive obstruction to a lot of your more out there ideas.

But I think that, like, I don't know, I feel more.

I said we should do a Where's Waldo episode and fill the screen with hundreds of nude men

that look exactly like

us.

Yeah.

And the audience has to find Find Us by the Penis.

By the Penis.

Yeah.

Find Us by the Penis.

Find Me by the Penis.

The latest Martin Scorsese movie, Find Me by the Find Me by the Penis.

Find Me by the Penis.

Yeah.

Have you seen that show in HBO now?

Find Me by the Penis?

Yeah, there is literally a Find Me by the Penis dating show, a British dating show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, The Find Me by the Penis dating show.

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I don't know.

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Where does it say?

I don't know.

But I don't know.

I'm a little worried that the copy with the pronunciation guides are only sent to us and not all of the podcasts.

Yeah, because they're like, that's the illiterate podcast.

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Hmm, so it's the holidays coming up.

You got Hanukkah is almost over.

Yeah, thank God.

I've seen these pictures of the soldiers going to places and like doing Hanukkah in Gaza, like on the rubble, yeah, on the rubble, it seems kind of anticlimactic to me.

Hanukkah,

Yeah, they're like go to like Buena Battle and then do Hanukkah.

Yeah, I mean, they've been doing that kind of stuff since the beginning of the war.

They did like gay flag.

But it's all it's kind of anticlimactic, you know what I mean?

What did you think they were going to do?

Like sacrifice like a parade, like a gay big parade, like bomb bomb.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, like Patton rolling into Parma or something.

Some John Philip Sousa.

Yeah.

A guy with a baton going like...

and the big fuzzy like British Buckingham Palace hat.

Instead of just like spinning a top on the ground and lighting a candle.

Yeah.

Or being gay.

Or getting gay, engaged to each other.

Yeah.

And not being able to get married.

That's the funniest part.

That they don't have gay marriage in England.

In Israel.

In Israel.

Yeah, it's illegal.

It's illegal.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They're just posting the pictures of them getting engaged.

But they're getting engaged to not get married.

Right.

That's not even a good lie.

Yeah.

What's also, it's dumb because it's like, I don't understand.

Like, that's obviously for a Western audience.

But it's like, they're too far gone.

It's not like

anybody on the left is going to be like, oh, I had no idea.

There were gay people in the IDF.

It's like, oh, my God.

You know what?

Bombs away.

Yeah.

Because that's not going to reach anybody.

Yeah.

All it does is alienate their evangelical base.

Exactly.

I had no idea that this whole war, they just wanted to play Dreidel.

Yeah.

That's now they're cool.

Yeah,

it's pretty stupid.

Honestly, it's just like it's a little rude.

It just makes it.

I mean, obviously, killing entire families is quite rude, but just then doing that is just a little bit like

it's, yeah, it's just for other Jews to be like, yeah, that's right.

It's night six of Hanukkah.

Yeah.

Which isn't even important.

And knowing Israel at this point, you're going to find out that none of the guys in those pictures are actually even gay.

Yeah.

That's the next level.

They don't even use real.

That's a false flag, gay marriage.

It's crazy how lazy they are.

I mean, I guess they have a, you know, a supposed war to fight, but

a lot of it is really lazy.

The propaganda.

They're like, look at this video of a terrorist saying that they they want to kill all of us.

And it's just like a still image of Jeff Dunham and that pub, the

Ahmed the terrorist.

They're like, this is a guy in Palestine.

This is a Palestinian man saying what he wants to do to us.

Wasn't he?

He was a skeleton.

Ahmed the dead terrorist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Damn, that was a really good bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who are his other puppets?

I don't know.

It's funny, though.

I get to this point, and like, Jeff Dunham is my hero, literally.

He's had a great life, I would imagine.

He's like, look, I don't even have, I don't have to write bits.

I just do a dumb puppet and go on stage.

Yeah, yeah.

I might try that, dude.

I might get a puppet for when the tour starts.

For touring starts.

You can get 40 minutes out of puppets.

I was thinking about bringing a keyboard on stage and getting into like musical comedy.

Oh, that's cool.

You just say one joke every 45 seconds and then it's just like

walking around on the piano.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, yeah,

And then pussy.

And that crushes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't even have to be a good parody song.

Maybe I'll bring this thing on stage.

That's pretty funny.

Yeah.

I could just do like a science show for kids.

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to call CA right now.

Tell him, make the shows all ages.

I'm bringing fucking

chemicals.

You're doing volcanoes.

Yes.

Volcano type of stuff.

Yes, yes, yes.

You're putting Mentos inside of a diet, Dr.

Pepper.

That's always a fun pivot, too.

Yeah.

When you go from...

Why don't you just learn magic?

When you go from bad boy entertainment to children's entertainment.

Family.

Yeah.

Family stuff.

Louis Anderson did that.

It's like when the punk, the punk rocker.

Louis Anderson was a closeted

rapist.

He was.

Yeah, he was a homosexual rapist, and then he pivoted to children's entertainment.

He did like a bad boy-style thing, and then went into life with Louie.

And he changed, he stopped being a closeted?

No.

Oh, so he was that the entire time?

He was that the entire time.

Okay.

Or like Jimmy Seville, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Alright, so are you saying that...

You ever think the guy that plays Oscar the Grouch is like the only one of the Sesame Street guys that isn't like a pedophile?

Why, because he's grumpy?

Well, and yeah, he's got to be surrounded by this shit, and he can't say anything about it.

What implies that he's not implicit?

He's like Serpico.

How do you know that he's the only one?

Because of his attitude.

You think he's the bad one.

The rest of them are having like a hoot nanny.

It would be funny if they hired a real homeless guy to be the puppeteer.

Yeah.

His life actually did suck.

And he was bringing reality to

the character.

Well the puppeteer who played him.

He was a method actor.

So he spent years.

He lived on the streets.

Years living on the streets.

Yeah.

In the garbage.

His

legs are filled with fluid.

Really?

Yeah.

This should give Oscar the Grouch like a

like an Aver X jacket.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

He should have like a drug problem.

Yeah, he should have some Birdman lugs on and Aver X jacket.

Yeah.

Duct taped lugs.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Underwear made out of newspapers.

Yeah.

He should

get like get into like a

like a bum fights maybe with other

This is cool.

It's like if it was a gun I could fucking shoot you directly in the face right right now.

Today's episode is also brought to you by...

Yeah.

Lucy, guys.

Lucy, look at this box.

It says cool

for cool stuff inside.

Cool for stuff inside?

Cool inside stuff for...

Cool stuff inside for, and then there's the shipping label with our address on it.

And then for

Nick Mullen.

And that you're showing.

At the Adam Freelance Show.

yeah and guys look at these the address that you just put on camera that shows where the studio is and the

and the suite number and everything we'll run that again

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Lucy makes tobacco-free nicotine for people focus better, think deeper, chill out smoother,

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Oh, look, I found a use for this thing, too, is you can get the chocolate off your knife.

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Today's episode of the Lucy Tobacco Gum, or not, sorry, not tobacco, nicotine.

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and use promo code T-A-F-S for 20% off from free shipping.

And now we're back to the show.

So, Nick, you got your chocolate off of your knife.

I did.

Yeah.

And how many chocolates have you enjoyed today?

Huh?

So it was your birthday yesterday, Nick.

Yeah.

Do you have any special birthday memories?

From yesterday?

No, from yesterday.

Yeah, we went to, we got Korean barbecue.

We got Korean barbecues, right?

And someone outside said, happy birthday.

Yeah, as we walked out, I told the guy, he said, oh, it's you guys.

And I said, tell him happy birthday.

Yeah, I've been looking back on the year a lot.

I think it's the end of the year.

Yeah.

And it's been, you know, there's been a lot that's happened this year.

You know,

we've done a lot.

We've been embroiled in controversies, multiple controversies.

Yeah.

You know, we've gotten in and out of

love.

There's going to be, there's a paradigm shift happening.

We're about to enter a deep period of peace.

You think?

Yes, civilly.

I think we'll reach a.

There's going to be, because, you know, a lot of America is divided right now.

And I say this coming from like some kind of like spiritual inner well that I have.

Yeah, he's not talking about partisan politics.

No, no, I mean, I am talking about partisan politics.

Oh, you are.

But I'm saying my insight as to why things will get better stems from a feeling that I have because I'm usually right about these things.

I was right about Bitcoin.

I was right about

piece of grape.

Yeah, no, I don't even mean stuff like that.

I mean, like, more just sort of from the hip predictions with zero knowledge.

None.

You know what?

Another thing?

I said starter jackets would come back.

And I was right about that.

The show Where You Can't Bust,

that became a show in real life.

Bust House?

Yeah.

Well, I don't mean bits.

I mean, bits are...

I mean, it's a real thing.

It's not even a real thing.

That's me saying a joke and then somebody else coming up with the same joke.

That's not a prediction.

It wasn't a joke.

No, it's a television show.

Okay, but

it's meant to be funny.

But

that's not a prediction.

Okay.

Those are ideas.

Sure.

There's a big difference between ideas and predictions.

It would be one thing if I had invented Bitcoin and then Bitcoin became a thing, then that would be similar.

But I didn't invent Bitcoin.

You were right about it.

I believe there is from the same

prediction zone in here that brought you Bitcoin and starter jackets coming back, I think there's going to be an era where it'll be the end of it.

And I don't think it's it you hear a lot of people say pengu they talk about pendulum swinging.

I say the pendulum will finally lose momentum and will enter a period of deep stagnation where things won't get better, but they won't really get worse, and

how ineffective it is to care one way or another about certain things will no longer matter because

everything's divisive.

For some reason, I just feel like we'll find one group of people that's sort of responsible for

a lot of the problems.

And it seems, it might at first seem like they're not

responsible, but they are.

And once the world figures out, oh, it's actually

these guys, we've all been fighting for no reason, but just it's this type of

certain type.

Yeah.

And then we'll have to.

You're, of course, talking about racists.

No?

No.

No, no, no, no.

You're talking about, is it what kind of.

I think we'll have to wait until the actual terms come.

I mean, you know, I'm kind of doing like a Long Island Medium thing thing here i don't know your your dead son's name i just know so you know it'll be one it's like a jimmy i'm feeling a gym if i is there a jimmy or a jerry or something so you so so we okay so let's just recap jerry does anyone out there not like

somebody named jerry that's what i'm saying but that's not a group of people oh you're doing you're doing what the long island medium does okay but you're so you're saying it's gonna be john edwards

crossing over with john edwards okay so Do you think that's real?

Do you think mediums are real?

I think there are people that have a connection with the spiritual world, for sure.

Especially John Edwards or the Long Island medium.

A lot of people

who watch this show know

one of my only sources of media input is the reality series Seven Little Johnsons.

Yeah.

which I watch a lot of.

You get the news from it or it's just entertainment?

Both.

You follow social trends oh yeah really you're like oh yeah people are into that song nowadays i saw it on seven level have you watched the show at all you saw me the clip of them on the ropes course it's amazing the show is amazing yeah it's good because it's a family of dwarves and the show's been on for eight years now and it's every single episode they just do like a like a summer camp activity yeah and then the dad ends up breaking something and then they have to pay somebody to fix it it's like that's that's every episode they'll do like a talent show they're like well yeah yeah exactly they're like, we're having, we're doing, we're doing, we're doing limbo.

What is it called?

Limbo bar?

Yeah, limbo.

Limbo.

Yeah, we're doing a limbo bar.

Yeah.

We got a limbo game set up in the front yard, and then Trent's going to try and

repair the grandfather clock in the living room.

And then he burns down the living room.

The fire department has to come and they have to hire a professional clock repairer.

And

he's like,

Why is the dad so clumsy in this little person show?

I think the issue is because they're also southern.

And I think the...

So he's like a good old boy.

Yeah, well, I got the impression.

This is rude, but because we do want them on the show.

But I...

Careful.

Yeah.

You get the sense he's one of those southern guys.

It's like, well, I'm the dad, so I'm good at stuff.

Yeah.

And then...

But he's also...

has a

disability that makes it harder to do no things.

Yeah, I don't think that that because it's never like,

look at the, yeah, right, exactly.

All the good tools are on the top shelf.

I don't know.

Look at all those knives on the top.

One of the first episodes, he's like making furniture for the living room, and he's just getting chairs, like

chairs from the dump,

and then just screwing casters into the bottom.

But he must put, I guess maybe it could be, yeah, it could be

the way it's edited, but he's just filling the bottom of the thing with drywall screws going into,

you know, like what?

Into wood.

Yeah.

A lot of times, I mean, it's not even wood.

It's just the

what's ever is underneath

an office chair.

Okay.

Yeah.

So what is that?

Like ABS plastic?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

And so he's just he's just tossing screws in there.

Yeah, while he's explaining to his daughter's

sex.

Did is there is there a Birds and the Bees episode?

Yeah, I think they have to.

How old are the kids in the show?

Well, the show, like I said, the show's been on for a long time.

So they go from young to old.

They have two.

You see'em grow up.

They have two biological children.

But I guess having biological children is like the the mom almost dies every time'cause she's the size of a baby anyways.

So she's much smaller, yeah.

Yeah.

So like they'cause they you know, they don't they come out The birth canal is smaller, yeah, I imagine.

Well, their bone their skeletons are.

So like her legs legs have to, you know, like her whole pelvis has to separate, I guess.

Anyway,

so then they have three adopted children.

And they adopt also little little children.

Little people, children.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe the producers are kind of like kind of in.

Yeah, there's one where the dad says, we're going to chop down a tree in the front yard.

There's a tree in the front yard.

They're just imperiling this family.

Well, yeah, he's like, you know, I don't know.

They do like a sock hop and then he's like, I'm going to chop down the tree in the front yard.

They have a nice house.

When the show starts, they don't.

They bought some old house to renovate.

And so they're all sleeping on the floor.

Really?

Yeah.

And they're like, the no work has been done renovating this house.

And then I think they got the show was a hit.

And so they got money from TLC either through merchandising or something.

Because then shortly after that,

they become rich off the show.

Their house is nice now in the currency.

Are they Christ-fearing?

I don't see them going to church.

They don't go to church.

They're not religious, evangelical.

No, yeah.

But

what was I going to say?

Oh, yeah.

So there's an episode where he goes to chop down a tree in the front yard.

And then what ends up happening?

Because his day job is he's the groundskeeper at a local college.

He is.

Yeah.

So he's like, you know, I mean, I do landscaping I can I can I think I can manage chopping down a tree

and what happens is he

sets his car on fire and then the fire is blowing yeah how

well he has his wife put the truck in like

reverse to pull the tree and then it's just sitting there and he's the pedals of the car like yeah they add

they add bolt they add their own bolts he drills a hole in the

into the pedals and then so they have like pedals are like stilts they have stilts built into the pedals

and then I guess it's just sitting there and the transmission heats up and cars trucks parked in a pile of leaves and that oh classic and then they have to hire landscapers to come out and cut the tree down and then they go new car shopping yeah yeah so how is he a landscaper professionally huh I mean how is he a landscaper professionally out of college Well, I imagine they just put like a big propeller beanie on his head and he kind of walks around the lawn.

Maybe a jet pack, perhaps.

Yeah.

A propeller beanie with

kind of inspector gadget style.

No, he doesn't fly.

He just walks and it cuts the grass.

Oh, okay.

Also, it's quite sharp.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is there...

I mean, if I was that size, I would, you know, as a younger man, I would.

Why do you keep trying to be rude to these people?

I'm not being rude to these people.

I'm just, I'm interested.

You're making cheap jokes.

I'm not taking cheap shots.

It's first, if you start this episode off,

I did not mock Kenny.

No, I didn't.

This is fucking tragedy.

I did not mock Kenny.

You don't like Kenny because he's tall, and you don't like these people because they're shorter than you?

I never said that.

And I don't dislike that.

This is what happens when people are 5'8 ⁇ .

I don't like, I'm not 5'8.

You're 5'8 ⁇ .

No, you're literally, you are.

Then what are you

if I'm 5'8?

We're not talking about me.

So that would make you even shorter than me.

What height am I?

5'7 ⁇ .

No.

6.

Nope.

5.

Huh?

5.

I'm 5'4,

which is the good.

5' Here's the danger zone.

5'7, 5'8, 5'9.

Yeah.

All evil people.

Underneath or above?

Pussy.

Getting pussy.

Yeah, you're fine.

Money, power.

Have you ever met?

Have you ever met like a 5'3 or 5'4 guy that seems angry about it?

Never.

The bagel boss?

He was mad about bagels.

No, I think he was mad about women on dating apps treating him because he was was five times.

He was mad about bagels and he had to make it about something else because he didn't want to be.

Danny DeVito, on the other hand,

he didn't want these anti-Semites having even more fuel.

No, the bagel boss was mad about women asking for your height on social media.

The story about this teacher in Georgia is awesome.

Who is the teacher?

I think I'm going to remember him.

It was in high school.

It was a Jewish teacher.

He was in middle school.

Wait, wait, can I ask you a question?

Hold on.

Can we go back?

Because we changed subjects to the Seven Little Johnstons.

And

I found it interesting to hear about that show.

I'm going to check it out.

Warner Robbins, teacher, accused of threatening to kill a student over comment about his Israeli flag.

Yeah, he threatened to cut a kid's head off because he put up an Israeli flag.

The kid said he didn't like the flag.

He put up an Israeli flag in his classroom, and the kid said, oh, that's offensive because they're killing Palestinians.

And he said, you motherfucking piece of shit, I'll kick your ass.

I should cut your motherfucking head head off.

He said it to a

middle school kid, a middle school kid.

Well, maybe the kid did something else that was bad.

You know, you got to hear the context.

Everyone's making it about this damn war.

What if that kid

slept with his wife or something?

You don't know that.

It was a girl.

Oh, it was a girl.

Well, what if she...

He said he would kick her fucking ass, slit her goddamn throat, and drag her outside and cut her head off.

Oh, that's bad.

Yeah,

that's not good.

Wait,

can we backtrack for a second, Nick?

Because, you know, are you there?

Yeah.

You were saying you're 5'7?

No, I'm not.

First of all,

you know what height I am.

I don't have to brag about it.

Everyone can see what height I am while I'm sitting in this damn chair.

It's not.

You know, the society is so high up.

Well, let's just think about the guests we've had on the show.

Chris Cuomo.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson, 5'7.

No, he's not.

He's 6'3.

No.

6'3.

You can look at the pictures of you standing next to these people.

Chad Hanks is 5'10.

Chad Hanks, 5'6 ⁇ .

Easy.

5'6' 5'10.

5'1.

5'6' and you guys next to each other, and you're down here.

He's maybe a little smidge, like one inch tall.

No, no, no.

No.

Who else have we had on the show?

Doug.

Doug's 6'4.

He's stretched out, yeah.

If he stood up straight, he'd be 6'4.

But he has better.

I can't stop thinking about him holding his penis and a urinal.

Like what that looks like.

Imagine he can, I mean, just because of proximity of

how small his upper torso is, he can self-suck.

Let me put it to you this way.

I can do a standing self-suck.

He's on a first date with a girl.

He's like, yes,

my memba is

quite nice.

Anyways, what were you saying?

Something about the Seven Little Johnstons?

Well, before the...

This is the Seven Little Johnstons podcast.

Well, okay, Nick, before you mention them,

we segued into that

by referencing Long Island Medium and Jonathan Edwards Crossing Over.

Oh, yeah.

And then what was was said before that is you feel like 2024 will have a paradigm shift where we're going to reach some sort of utopia.

Not utopia.

We'll not be able to do it.

Some sort of things will be

called be bad, but there will be placidity.

There will be placidity.

Because

and and I just wasn't clear on what you were

suggesting.

I mean it's just you said that there will be a group of people that is blamed for all of society's ills

and then once those people are exposed then we will heal right

um and what's going to happen with them what do you mean well we're going to expose their corruption and and

we're going to expose

their their lies and then what happens no not even what we'll still they'll remain in power and we'll be powerless we'll just know who

who's to blame

so what how is that going to help anyone

because then you're talking about the jews you're talking about the jews right now yes you are yes you are you're being i feel like it's a little bit a little bit coded i feel like that entire rant was a little bit coded it's a return to feudalism is what we're what i'm

so you're saying that we're gonna be a class that is sort of and so who are the lords huh who are the lords i don't know i just say it's based on a feeling but you said it's gonna be one group of people one group of people who will who have

sealed themselves off in sort of a castle that's unreachable and society will recognize itself correctly as outside of the gates.

So no longer are we trying to fix the kingdom from within because the kingdom never existed in the first place.

We're out in the fields.

Yeah.

Paying some sort of land tax.

Land tax, right?

To Bowser.

And then we can be free to be animals.

To be animals.

Yeah.

No, I mean we're still going to have to work our land.

No, you can just steal whatever you want.

That's gonna be the other thing, too.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you can just go in places and take shit.

It'll all be like San Francisco.

Oh, my God.

Like Target, San Francisco?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

That's pretty nice.

Next time I go there, I should have tried that.

I should have tried shoplifting while I was there.

Because I'm pretty sure it's just straight up fucking legal now.

Oh, because they have a progressive DA?

Yeah, I think you can just steal shit in San Francisco and they can't do anything.

Really?

I'm going to do that.

Next time I'm there, when I'm on the road, when I do cobs again, I'm just going to steal the entire time.

Can,

as a countermeasure, can a shop owner have like a mousetrap or something?

Like to so you can steal, but you're going to get

and you put Venus disposable razors on it.

Yeah, you put

tampons,

Venus razors,

women women's degreed underarm,

My doll.

What time do you have to go to the airport?

Now.

You'll be back tomorrow?

Yes, tomorrow night.

Which airport are you going to?

JFK.

Worst airport.

You got to go now.

Yeah.

All right, guys.

Thank you for watching the show.

Well, I mean, we're not done yet.

You have to go to the airport right now.

I'll stay.

I'll finish the show.

Oh, okay.

How many minutes do we have?

Another 10.

10?

So, should we?

I don't know, 10, Nick.

Nick, I don't know if I could do 10.

I mean, you just basically just kicked me out.

No, I didn't kick you out.

No, I just don't want you to be late for your flight.

I won't be late for my flight.

Well, let's wait.

Just come back.

Come back.

Don't

ten minutes, Nick.

I don't know if I could do that without you.

I can't do this without you.

Wait, wait, wait.

JFK

Queens,

59-minute drive, Nick.

Yeah, but I gotta go find the cat.

I know, so it's not good.

Do you want your chocolates for the flight?

Did you Nick

did you check in?

No.

On your phone?

You can do that in the cab probably.

What airline is it?

Are you doing are you doing Delta?

I didn't tell you to leave.

No, I mean we can do another 10 minutes.

I just I thought the show was I thought it was at an hour.

Why would you think that?

Because I thought we started at half past.

So it's 54 minutes right now.

54 minutes?

Well,

I could just

say bye for you before you

go on your journey.

Did you pack like a lunch or something for the?

No, I didn't pack anything.

I didn't pack anything.

Do you have I lost my gloves?

You did?

I think maybe they ripped my house.

It doesn't matter.

Anyways, don't worry about me or my commute.

I feel like you're

treating me.

You're publicly treating me as if I can't get to the airport myself.

No, you're a big boy.

I can do things myself.

You do things by yourself all the time.

You don't need me.

I think I'm going to shoplift next time I get to San Francisco.

Do they have a source of I'm going right now to shoplift in San Francisco?

You're just no, I think they just completely decriminalize shoplifting.

Really?

Why?

I don't, I'm under that.

I'm clogging up the court system.

Ow.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Well,

yeah, I mean, I think you can get anything you want.

Have you had any of these chocolates?

I had two of them.

I had the white chocolate one.

What does that mean?

I had nine.

You had nine chocolates?

Oh, my God.

You're like Kathy.

Yeah.

Ack.

Yeah.

Can't stop eating.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's not probably not a bad idea to like, once every, you know, maybe fiscal quarter, you do a shoplifting trip to San Francisco.

You know, you hit all the stores.

Yeah.

Then you come back, you bring like a kind of an empty check bag.

Yeah.

Not a bad deal.

Well, there's one of those in those shoplifting compilations.

There's one where a guy's stealing and somebody's like, why are you doing this?

Why are you doing this?

And the guy goes, it's San Francisco, bro.

He says, because it's San Francisco.

Because it's San Francisco.

That's kind of a good line.

Yeah.

It's Chinatown.

Yeah.

Yeah, forget it, Jake.

Yeah.

So it is legal there?

I think so.

We should look it up.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I hate California.

I don't like it either.

I fucking hate the West Coast, dude.

The whole thing sucks.

From Canada all the way down to me canada is part the entirety of canada is part of the west coast oh you're the west coast starts at toronto so you hate alaska yeah

alaska down yeah and then toronto over yeah

i really don't like anything outside of new york and philadelphia i like miami no

i like montreal No,

Mexico City?

New York and Philadelphia.

I've never been to Mexico City.

It's nice.

I got to start spending time in South America, Central and South America.

You should.

I remember you just went there.

You got robbed.

I told you, I love Puerto Rico.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Puerto Rico is I've never been there, but I hear it's called.

Puerto Rico is amazing.

Yeah, it is.

Well, there's just not really anything there.

It's an island.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like you go on vacation.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed if I'm in a place.

Like I'm like, I'm like overstimulated and I feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm like not connecting enough with what I'm looking at.

And Puerto Rico is just hot.

Like old San Juan is like New Orleans feels more exotic than

Puerto Rico.

Than old San Juan does.

Old San Juan feels like a like you know sometimes like an amusement park, they'll be like

the 20s area, you know, like a jazz age kind of area.

That's like old San Juan feels like part of an amusement park.

It's just like

a hard rock cafe in an old looking building.

Yeah.

one of those kind of places.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, you know, I think I just mentioned this on Tim's show,

like in Puerto Rico.

Like in Puerto Rico.

Because, you know, Lewis doesn't go to Puerto Rico really.

He goes to Puerto Rican.

He's Puerto Rico.

He goes to Jamaica.

He does.

Oh, because he likes Zaganja.

I don't even.

Well, does he?

I think he likes.

I mean, I guess Legion of Skanks is just branded as, like, a weed.

Kind of a weed, kind of new metal kind of stuff.

Yeah, energy drinks and

weed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kratom weed energy drinks.

Yeah.

I guess so.

It's sad, man.

It's crazy.

We're middle-aged now.

I think like

it's like

what do we do?

We just keep fucking being this kind of piece of shit.

Children.

Children, yeah, just man-child, childish bullshit forever?

Kids.

And then people are like, oh, why don't you settle down and have a family?

I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll get right on that.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I need to find someone that would agree to do it.

Yeah, what do you

get rape

into a family?

Yeah, right.

And that doesn't even mean they're going to like you or you're going to do a good job at it because you're so fucking immature.

Yeah.

You could probably do a good job at it.

I think all that requires is money.

Yeah, but sometimes that is such a leg up.

It's all that matters.

I mean,

99% of being a good father is having money.

It's like that.

That will take care care of 99% of it.

Yeah.

And then 1% is learning how to pretend like you're listening.

You don't even need that.

You know how people love their dad and they're like, dad, look what I did at school.

And they're like, oh, wow.

Yeah.

That's it.

All right.

That's all you got to do.

Yeah.

I'm on pills.

Yeah.

I'm on opioids.

No, yeah, I guess it really does require money, but I still don't think that,

I mean I've I've become more financially stable in my life than I was younger but I don't think it's really translated into

respect

respect from who pretty much everyone I know yeah it doesn't trend people respect you less yeah because they're like oh look at this rich pussy

it's even more pathetic yeah yeah

but whatever it's not like I had respect in the first place no no no but I desired it

it's not like I didn't lose anything, you know?

It's like now that people already didn't like me and now they don't like me for a different reason.

They don't like you more.

Yeah, they don't like me more.

Yeah.

I guess that's worse, but it's kind of the same.

Yeah, I guess it's.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

I guess we're not just not going to grow up because.

No, you have no choice.

That's the thing.

It's not like people are like, oh, well, millennials and, well, it's yet to be seen with Gen Z, but like, oh, millennials are trapped in permanent adolescence.

And like, well, that's a that's like a like a physical impossibility.

No, but I think it is kind of like a.

I understand what they mean, so don't argue.

It is kind of a lot of the

don't pretend like I'm arguing with the sentiment because I'm not, so don't just reiterate something that I already understand.

my point is is that

that you're only 13 to 19 once

so therefore well you're physically going to age and die

so

like there's it's it's to pitch to frame permanent adolescence as like simply immaturity rather than like you know well you're paying like the victim there isn't a society that has to tolerate man children.

It's the person that's like cruising towards their deathbed.

You know, like.

It's going to be so sad when people

we know

are

on their deathbed.

Friends of ours have.

We have had friends die of cancer already.

Our friends are dying.

A friend of ours died this year.

We have a perfect 90s playlist for them.

With a perfect

show them their favorite office comp bloopers compilation.

I'm just trying to think of like what

is kind of a

an in indicative of millennial arrested development

kind of the I don't fucking know

yeah I mean I think it's more than that but there obviously there are cultural things that you know indicate that as well

like the

yeah let's listen to spice girls

you know, like we did when we were 11.

I'm letting you have the final word.

You could have bailed me.

I really do.

I couldn't.

Maybe we'll start growing up like after

maybe a Monday.

Maybe Monday morning.

We hold each other accountable.

Mutual accountability.

I don't know.

I've gotten back into playing GoldenEye, so I don't know if that's going to happen.

That is what I mean.

Yeah.

Okay.

Bringing an N64 to your friend's deathbed.

Yeah, right.

So we can play Goldeneye.

We literally have

one here.

We have a Nintendo 64 here.

So that's kind of what I mean.

That's what I was looking for.

Instead of Office Blue Park, and for years, people have been like, you should have a kid.

Yeah.

Say that to me.

And you're like, I got every game on N64 because I got this little card from Ukraine.

Yeah.

I'm sure it'd be easy.

I'm sure it'd be fine.

It's probably not that hard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you can, like, give it clothes and food and stuff.

No, but then you had, like, if your wife you can't make your wife do everything i don't you the only reason i don't think i can is because i have a cat and i still see the cat as like a roommate basically

i take care of it i'm the one that feeds it and cleans the litter box but i still see the cat as like we're on equal footing well i'm not sure that icy wouldn't just

rip a baby to shreds.

Yeah.

I'm not 100% certain.

Also, you're infertile, too.

That's good.

That's not true.

Yeah.

That's not true.

It is.

I've caught mad body.

No,

we've got you tested and it's a heavy shooter, bro.

You just have menstrual or estrogen.

No, no, I bucket.

They said your estrogen level is too high.

No, that doesn't have to.

It doesn't mean you don't shoot buckets.

They said you have a problem where you keep getting yourself pregnant like a flower.

It just means that you're sleepy and you have

sensitive nipples.

You're like a plant, basically.

You just keep self-pollinating.

Your Your sperm keeps going leaking through the membranes into your ass.

And I'm getting pretty, I'm impregnating now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really?

That's what the doctor said to me.

I brought you a doctor while you were asleep.

Anyways, that's the Adam Freeland show for me.

Thank you.

Have a good fly, bro.

Gina, I'll see you.

Okay.

Good luck with the car.

Yeah, I think it can be easy.

Oh, John, if you like it.

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