The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 23

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Hello, I'm about to record.

Just don't answer the phone.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I gotta, I can't talk.

I'll call you later.

Okay, bye.

Just don't answer the phone.

No, he

had like medical tests yesterday.

Who cares a fuck about his medical tests?

I hope he dies.

All right.

What do you mean, who cares a fuck?

I said, who cares about his fucking medical test?

Who cares?

Hello, and hello, and welcome.

The leg, too.

Hello, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the podcast.

It's Wednesday.

If you guys haven't checked it out,

go ahead and check out the new episode of the Adam Friedland Show talk show.

Please, Chet Hanks, tell your friends,

subscribe to the YouTube channel.

That's probably the most important part.

Don't just watch it.

Please subscribe.

And look, you can say, look, I don't really like the show.

They can say, I don't like the show.

Well, guess what?

There's never new episodes.

So it costs you nothing to fucking.

You get an email once every seven months.

Yeah, it doesn't cost anything, guys.

Just do it for us.

Yeah, don't be a fucking inbox prude.

Yeah.

Think about how much we do for you.

Just do something for us for once.

It costs you nothing.

Subscribe.

The more people subscribe, the sooner we can move to a model where...

Where we don't have to have Patreon anymore and we can fund this shit,

not like PBS.

So that's the real goal here.

Because PBS is whack, dude.

I'm not fucking...

I'm not Elmo.

I'm not four.

We're not fucking babies.

I'm not four years old.

We've made it clear plenty of times.

We're not fucking babies.

I'm not a four-year-old monster.

And we're seeing a lot of comments on Reddit about us being babies, and it's just it's yeah.

What is it with the monsters?

Huh?

They have these free, like

the cookie monster and stuff.

They for kids, it's a little scary.

What the hell are you talking about?

But Sesame Street.

Why are you talking about Sesame Street?

You brought up Elmo.

No.

Ginsberg.

Is there a way?

I'm thinking about it.

We can go into cameras one and two with the lab receivers

and then just use uh

audio follows video for the switching?

Or do you think that would be dumb?

Because that might that might damage uh if there's a lot of crosstalk, I think maybe that would be bad.

Or what do you think?

Uh, no, people love our crosstalk.

We're famous for it.

You're not listening.

You're sitting over here talking about Cookie Monster.

You started a new thing after Cookie Monster.

Okay.

Now look.

Now look.

I didn't make you do that.

I didn't make you do that.

Now look.

No, I've been, there's a thing in there.

Look.

No.

Now look.

Anyway, guys,

October 27th and 28th, laughs.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up, Nick.

Stop it with...

No, this disgusting.

It's a way.

Who's ready for the worst show in the world?

No, shut up, shut up.

October 27th, 28th.

Are you ready for some shit?

Seattle, Washington.

Shut up.

Shut up.

October 27th, 28th.

Seattle, Washington, Laughs Comedy Club, Adam Friedland.

You can check out his great new Cookie Monster.

Shut the f-

I love you.

Anyway, guys.

He's ready for 45 minutes on Cookie Monster.

I have a good bit about Cookie Monster, actually.

What is it?

That he would have gotten diabetes

if he wasn't, that he's blue because he has diabetes.

Because his circulation is all fucked up?

That's actually pretty funny.

Cookie Monster used to be red.

Yeah, he should be red.

But his entire body needs to be amputated from diabetes.

Remember when they tried to change Cookie Monster to vegetables?

Did they?

Yeah, it's like.

Who's that?

Michelle Obama did that?

Probably.

Fucking bitch.

Why does she hate fucking candy so much?

Yeah.

I don't understand why conservatives don't ever go after people for their most obvious flaws.

They say, oh, she's actually a man.

Well,

what about the war on candy?

How about this?

Yeah, she's trying to ban birthday cake.

She wants kids to have fucking celery on Halloween?

Oh, but she's a man.

Come on.

It's right in front of you.

It's just like what the Democrats did with Russia Gate.

It was all right in front of you.

You didn't have to say that Putin was having sex with Trump, you know?

It was all right in front of us.

Well, none of this is going to be a problem when we have President Nikki Haley.

I can't wait.

I really hope she gets the nomination.

Why do you keep talking about Nikki Haley?

Because it'd be very funny.

Well, she's just some lady.

I know, but to watch.

Because they're going to do the Barack Hussein Obama thing with her Indian name.

Oh, she's a she's Hindu, right?

She's Hindu.

Her real name is Stinky Haley, I think.

That's pretty good.

Hmm?

That's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I'm kidding.

I mean, she looks like she smells very nice.

She oh my gosh.

She smelled good.

She smells probably.

It looked like it smelled good in there.

Yeah.

Like a a flower shop.

Alright.

You can say something.

What do you mean?

You can say you can.

Okay, Nikki Haley smells good.

I don't know.

I said it in a black accent.

Anyway, sorry I didn't tag the.

It looks like she.

She looks like she smells like a.

Someone has a kid that I want to get back.

I had an Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile whistle.

Yeah.

I don't know where I got that thing.

Hmm.

It looked like the little.

Did you maybe get picked up by the mobile?

No, never.

And then

I had seen it several times.

And then that was the last thing you remembered, and then you ended up

in some sort of industrial parking lot, and you only had a whistle on you?

I saw it several times on

the Jersey Turnpike when I was a kid.

Yeah.

And that was always big.

Did a solitary tear fall down your no, it was very exciting.

Yeah.

Especially the first time when you're like, what the fuck?

That car's a hot dog.

Yeah.

You know what they should do?

They should have that car, they should use it for that pornographic website bang bus.

You know, that's kind of more,

you know.

It would make sense if they.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They should let the little Japanese guy.

drive it and see what kind of

See what happens

See exactly what would happen if yeah, that'd be good.

Yeah, what's the deal?

He doesn't compete anymore Joey Chestnut does but he doesn't compete Yeah, I don't know.

I told you I think it was maybe it was even last year at Skanks Fest.

I had some conversation with no it was 4th of July this year.

I talked to Ryan Long and he was telling me everything about competitive hot dog eating.

He's like really in on

the drama of the comic.

Yeah, I'm like, do you actually follow this?

Yeah.

I mean, I don't want to take shots at it.

I don't want to take shots at another comic, but kind of knowing about hot dog eating, that's a little sus, no?

That's a little, that's a little.

Is it?

It's a little gay.

You know about hot dog eating?

Yeah.

I know about porn.

Straight porn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's all I know about.

Yeah.

Hot dog eating, you know?

Come on.

I ain't going to watch another man

throw some glizzies.

Suck on a little something special.

It'd be great if you entered and then you make it to the finals and then you just sit there sucking on the hot dogs.

You just

yeah, you like train so you can win the prelim.

Just get to the televised event.

Yeah.

So every time they cut to you.

Fourth of July, Cody Island.

Yeah, so you're just sucking on the hot dogs.

It's an abomination.

You bring great disrespect and dishonor to the hot dog eating.

I know.

I would love to ruin a.

Does Kobayashi just cut his stomach open after and let the hot dogs fall out?

Yeah.

He has a katana.

Yeah.

When he loses, he just fucking, and then all these hot dogs fill out.

He goes to the suicide forest.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm glad we dropped the bomb so we can be chill with them again.

And they can come over here and have the most base hits of all time.

Does Ichiro have the record for that?

Sure.

I don't know.

He's pretty much.

I'm not a saber metrics guy over here.

Well, no, hits isn't saber metrics.

I'm not a fucking.

Why do you call it saber metrics?

Swords.

But what does that have to do with swords?

Is saber stand for something?

They're just trying to make math cool, dude.

Yeah.

Math can be cool.

Well, it's not cool.

I think with sports, math got really cool because there were a lot of

non-white people playing it and they like, and then white people covering it.

Yeah, we do the math for the black guys.

So, no, no, they just are all out in the court like, I don't know how many points I have.

They don't want to say that, like, I can help you.

They don't want to say, like, together we're a team.

You score the points, and I know the numbers.

Uh-huh, exactly.

But they don't want to act like that's two points.

Like, the, the, the, the math journalist guys like don't want to accidentally say that someone's like a bum or something.

so that they use the math they just make shit about math

and it's boring now it's boring to like learn about like these stupid equations i want to see a guy dunk you know what about saying this guy's does beautiful dunking you know i'm about the beauty of the game not the freaking

not the freaking

Well school, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't make sports into fucking school.

I'm sorry.

What if they were cool examples of math?

I was never any good at math.

Cool examples of math?

It really pissed me off when math became shapes.

Geometry?

Yeah.

Why?

What the fuck is this?

That's not math.

Shapes are cool.

Math is numbers.

Shapes are, that's like art or something.

That should not be a part of math class.

Yeah.

Fucking triangles.

Triangles are cool.

What does that have to do with math, though?

Because

it's 180 degrees.

No.

No matter how.

It's applied.

You're applying it.

No matter how they are, it all adds up to 180.

You're applying math to shapes.

That's what geometry is.

It's not math in and of itself.

If that's the case, then why don't they just do applied math the entire time?

You learn two plus two?

Okay.

Let's look at two pairs of titties.

Well, they do that.

They say that, you know, if I have three cookies and you have zero, and you eat one of my cookies.

That's just word problems.

You don't actually get to eat the cookies.

And you rudely eat one of my cookies.

how many cookies do i have left i don't know i disagree with that policy i think we should uh disintegrate the department of education i think that's what the republican party was talking about right yeah yeah i mean they've they've always done that yeah i love when they talk about eliminating departments yeah they're like we don't need this you remember uh rick perry he was the first doe guy i think he was like get rid of department of energy yeah and then there were like five and he couldn't remember which five there were yeah we need an election but the department of energy don't they do they do like way more shit than you think.

It's not just like they like dispose of nuclear waste.

Yeah, but they also,

weren't they the ones that investigated the origins of COVID?

Energy?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, they had the definitive report.

Really?

Why is that energy annoying?

I have no idea.

That's why we got to

focus.

We got to disintegrate these departments.

I mean, honestly, it's like, if you had a president like Andrew Yang, I think a lot of people would die.

He He was trying to use math, though.

He was the math guy.

Well, he wanted to use computers, not just math.

He was like,

let's revamp everything.

Well, computers are made out of math.

You get a tech bro that just gets rid of all the chaff.

What's chaff?

Like just extra.

Oh, I thought that was a minority group.

Chaff?

Yeah.

I thought you were saying something racist.

The guy getting rid of all the chaffs.

I don't know.

Okay, go ahead.

You yourself used that word.

What?

You yourself used that.

You thought that was a racist term.

A week ago, you said, I don't want any of this chaff in the Delta Sky Club.

So you're saying you don't want black people in the Delta Sky Club?

That's your public term.

I never said chaff.

You 100% did.

No, I said, I don't want those people.

I didn't say chaff.

And the O in those, I kind of maybe elongated a little bit.

But you don't know what people I'm talking about.

This is the kind of people you want when Delta, when Delta doubles back on their decision to ban rightfully somebody who simply paid a credit card fee into their Sky Club lounge, when you, this is who you're letting back in, an avowed racist.

I never said in a race way.

That's oh, sorry.

We're reversing our decision.

It wasn't a race thing.

I just like white man said that I don't want any black people in the Delta phone.

No, I never said, no, I said that I like to relax, and it's a very relaxing environment.

And you can never relax.

What are you, a Scott Adams guy?

Why?

Isn't that his like

phrase?

Yeah, doesn't the Dilbert guy say that?

You can never relax.

He goes, never relax around blacks.

He said that.

I think so, dude.

He goes hard.

It rhymes too?

Yeah.

Well, you know, it's like a, it's kind of like a cartoon.

Oh, I thought you were going to say rap.

No.

No, he doesn't do rap.

He does, he does office cartoons.

Yeah.

You know, my dad is like, um, he's changing his course on my, my, uh, his attitude to my career.

He's now taking a more

telling me what I need to know kind of thing.

And he called me up after the chat episode came out and he said,

he's like, why don't you start?

I don't understand why you don't start rapping.

He's like, you could make money off of this.

And I was like, well, we did it for the show.

And he's like, no, on your own.

I love that.

I love that when people.

My dad was yelling at me to rap.

People see you do something and then tell you the thing you did back to you as if it's a suggestion as to what you should be doing.

My dad's being a little bit of a stage mom right now about tabs.

Yeah.

Like, I've got some really good stuff.

He's telling me I'm not taking rap seriously enough.

The thing you already did.

I already did it.

You should do that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I invented it too.

It's my idea.

Shout out to

my pops.

Very funny, though.

Yeah.

Oh, at Ginsburg, you said Fume is first.

Fume, guys.

Not Fume.

Fume.

Fume, guys.

Get together.

I need help with this every fucking time.

No, the paper.

The paper.

The paper.

Pick up the box.

Give me the paper.

You hold the box.

I'll take the paper.

Please read the digital.

Okay.

Pardon me.

Got it.

Okay.

Today's episode of the Adam Friedland Show Podcast, regular podcast, is brought to you by Fume.

And that is F-U-Oom Laut.

Umlaut.

Umlaut U-M.

It's not Fume.

It's Fume.

Fume.

Which reminds me of Nikki Haley.

But the more they tell me, I can't call it Fume.

I want to call it Fume.

Yeah, oppositional division.

How about this?

Fuck them.

You buy it.

You don't?

You can call it whatever you want.

God fuck them.

We appreciate whatever.

What's the trans notes?

Because that's a violation of consumer protection laws if you buy this you can go around your house calling it whatever you want and if the company tries to insist you can't call it foom once you purchase a thing well they're gonna have to have a talk with you yeah but in a paid ad

we can't call it that but you call it anything you want you can call it anything you want it's called fume it's uh it's a great product it's a great it actually works it's the world's first diffusive device well you may have seen us do copy for this before Adam actually took it home with him.

I did not take it home with me.

He has a bad habit of stealing both lightning cables and sponsor products that we need to do our job.

Another crime

and taking them home.

Yet again,

false accusations.

I'll tell you, I don't know where the fume went, but I guarantee you where it's not.

In the Delta Sky Club, because Adam is not allowed in there.

That's certainly one place you don't have to check.

Until the end of the year, I definitely am.

And

once they reconsider their policy, I'll be back allowed next year.

One place you won't have to check for the missing fume is in the Delta Sky Lounge.

But if you were in there, you could use it.

Because I tell you what, it's not a vape.

It's not

smoke.

There's no chemicals.

It flavors the air.

It flavors the air.

Sort of like a glade plug-in for your brain.

For your mouth.

Yeah.

But instead of...

For your taste buds.

Instead of overweight, you know,

premenopausal flavors that Glade has, like

Steven Woods or a little bit too much lemon, they have fun ones.

They have fun ones like...

They have grapefruit, pompe le mousse, if you're from France.

White cranberry.

I've never had one of those.

It's called grapefruit pompe le mousse.

Nope.

Well, I was just saying the French word.

Oh.

Maple pepper.

Does it even say pompe mousse on there?

No, but I'm in La Croix.

They say pompla mousse.

Raspberry lemon,

orange vanilla, and oh my god, crisp mint.

I'd like to make a suggestion to the fume company that maybe if you're trying out new flavors, how about Arnold Palmer?

That'd be good.

That'd be nice.

Mint julep, Arnold Palmer.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Just sit down on the porch.

I can't remember.

I think the maple one I like the most.

Maple pepper.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyways, what it is, maybe we can give me the box.

Just the top.

Just the hat.

So, and you can't really see it here.

Again, I'm sorry Adam did take it away.

No, I didn't take it away.

Adam took it home to use.

But I wish I did.

I wish I did.

He did, and I guess it's been effective.

And we can't say what exactly it's been effective at, but let's put it this way.

You haven't seen me doing.

It's very hard to break bad habits.

And action that I'm holding the box.

Sorry if this cut ends up being a little rough for you folks at home, but Adam,

Adam,

Adam

transcended or

trespassed onto the do not say list.

I doth protested too much.

Okay, so where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Bad habits are hard to break, and one of the ways to break a bad habit is by replacing it with something else.

And fume can help you do that because it promotes good habits by I'll just get into it.

What it is is it's this

tube thing here.

It's got a little heft to it.

I guess the tip, I don't know whether that's aluminum or

some sort of metal.

It's aluminum

and it's got a heft to it.

It's got a nice wood body.

Yeah and then there's like a barrel and then a thing where you put these slugs.

I guess you call those.

Cores.

Cores.

They're called cores.

I think they call them turds.

no they don't well and you can twist the barrel to adjust the airflow which is nice it doesn't say don't don't say turds

okay i think so you can put what some of the some of these turds inside the barrel

you wait look every fume comes with a

a little a flavored turd

and then

the um the name of the turd the official name of the turb is to be determined but oh look at that actually i can't we didn't open any of these This one's way better.

Orange vanilla.

I wish I had it now.

I think maybe you don't even need it.

Let's see if I can just do it with my hands here.

I don't think that's good.

I don't think they like that.

Whoa.

Yeah.

I'm getting some of it.

Yeah.

I'm getting some of it.

Once again, if you're just joining us, Adam took the cube home.

No, I didn't.

He lost it.

But I wish I did.

He wishes he did.

And yeah, so there's a wooden barrel.

You pop this fucker into the...

you pop the turf.

You take this fucking, you take this guy, this piece of shit here, and you open it.

Take this crap.

And you put this fucker in there.

You put that cocksucker in there.

You put this in the cocksucker in there, fucker.

And then, no, it goes in.

And I wish it was here because it's got this very satisfying spring action.

And it has like, yeah, it has like clicking.

It's like a click.

It's like loading a weapon.

You put the barrel on.

At the end of the barrel, there's a choke on it.

Yes.

And you can adjust the airflow.

The choke has like a ratcheting action.

So even when you're just sitting there,

you can do it as like a fidget spinner.

Yeah, it's nice for people to have like a kind of a need a tactile kind of

Yeah, you know what I would do

if I had it because you know how it spins put a bunch of electrical tape around the end of the barrel

like six seven eight nine ten eleven and then the end of that make a huge ball of the rest of the tape and then you could spin it around real fast

and it's got some weight to it too because there would be the ball of tape yeah and you could spin it around

and that's what i would do this one's nice that's a good suggestion you know and and guys that the point of this is have fun with it okay you know like nick has his own electrical tape idea you guys can come up with your own ideas with these and write into the show and tell us what's high these things are highly customizable every part of this can be written on i mod mine out i i mod my crap

i mod my turnout and um

And well, it does have an interchangeable barrel design.

So I'm assuming if you go on their website, they have other barrels.

Yeah.

Personally, I would like one that had like a skull.

That'd be badass.

Yeah.

And folks, the guys at Fume are innovating all the time.

Yeah.

There's a magnet at the end of the Fume Labs.

There's a magnet at the end of the mouthpiece.

Oh, it's steel.

It's not aluminum.

Oh, that's important to know.

Yeah.

There's a magnet at the end of the

and that holds the barrel in the mouth.

So there's no...

Let me see if I can just do this.

Not as good as the barrel, I'm sure.

It's not as good as not as good as the barrel.

And this is what happens when somebody takes home the fucking, but that's a testament to how good the thing is.

Because I tell you, we got a lot of sponsors that send us a lot of fucking garbage.

And 90% of the time, it goes right in the trash.

I'll say this right now.

This is the best product we've ever received.

Never spoken about.

This, yes.

Yes.

And that is, I got good.

I swear to God.

I got good shorts a couple of years ago.

And I'll tell you why they were good, because they had pockets to put my fume in.

Really?

I could put my fume in my pockets and my shorts that I also got for free.

Yeah.

It's innovative.

It's an award-nominated device.

Ooh, what award?

The Nobel Prize.

Wow.

Let's give it up for them.

Yeah.

Okay.

Instead of electronics, fume is completely natural.

Instead of vapor, fume uses flavored air.

And instead of harmful chemicals, fume uses all-natural, delicious flavors.

So you get it.

Instead of bad, fume is good.

It's a habit you're free to enjoy and makes replacing your bad habit easy.

Your fume comes with an adjustable airflow dial.

That's like the choke thing

at the end of

the barrel, the tube.

Yeah.

I explained that.

Yeah, it's the thing with the click that's very tactile and a satisfying noise.

It is very satisfying.

Yeah, the noise is great and it feels nice when you feel the little click.

I will say though, it feels like it is like a weapon.

Yeah.

You know?

It feels like I should be able to use it to hurt somebody, but you can't.

And you know what else?

You guys, when you open your core pack, if you have a little something stuck from lunch in your teeth, you can.

Well, I tell you what, get a fume.

If you're a Reddit guy, get a fume.

Just drop that sucker in your pick on Everyday Carry.

Next to your tiny little lady's gun.

Yeah, yeah.

Your tiny gun,

your fucking Jurassic Park watch,

and

your fume.

And your fume.

Yeah, and then your little knife and your magnifying glass.

Yeah, and your picture of your nephew.

Yeah, do that.

Okay.

So stopping is something we all put off because it's hard, but switching to fume is fun and easy.

It is fun and easy.

It's fun, and it's easy.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get that.

Because I forgot to restart.

I have to keep track of where we're at in the episode.

Hisbury, where are we at?

He doesn't know because we had to cut out.

Okay, so we'll

account for two minutes.

Using the fucking.

Hisbury, where are we at?

No, I didn't.

Shut up, Nick.

25.

25?

Okay, good.

I don't understand how you slip up and do that.

These are nice people.

They make a nice product that helps people.

Don't and you're calling them.

How many false?

Come on.

One of the most horrific words.

You know, it's just, it's exhausting, guys.

It is exhausting.

Yeah, the re-accused.

The real wood and the shape are.

You need to talk about how beautiful the real wood and the shape is.

Oh, my God.

I don't know.

I mean, that's.

It is, but it is.

The shape?

The shape is.

I think you're trying to set us up here.

Yeah, yeah.

I won't talk about the shape.

We're not talking about it.

I'm not even going to go there.

I was on board with all this, but you know how I feel about shapes.

Yeah, but wood, too.

Yeah, wood.

That's fine by me.

Wood is fine.

Wood is a fun type of applied medicine.

Carpentry?

One of these

shapes?

No.

But one of these psychos out there could edit it where you say you like wood.

Yeah.

The wood of it.

Well, I tell you, I love using my fume.

It makes me feel so cool.

It is really cool.

When I go down to the Halloween store, and I clock a shorty just covered in self-harm scars, and I cruise past with my fume, And she's like, who's that guy?

And I say,

I'm the reason you haven't killed yourself for real yet.

Yeah, I actually took the fume

out for a spin over in Dimes Square the other day.

And I got a hell of a lot of pussy off of it.

Yeah.

And compliments, too.

Yeah, in Dimes Square, one of the coolest.

One of the coolest neighborhoods in New York City.

I'm still not sure what Dimes Square is exactly.

That always confused me because I lived in that neighborhood neighborhood for years.

No, you lived in.

And it was just Chinese.

No, but that was you lived on Allen.

And Bowery and Canal.

It's on the other side of the Manhattan Bridge.

So it's two bridges?

It's two bridges.

Oh, okay.

But it's no, but it's like that park or something.

What?

The Seward Park?

It's like that triangle thing, I think.

All right.

I don't even know what the fuck dimes is.

It's supposed to be.

It's a store?

No, it's like fucking like hot girls.

Like dimes.

That's what I always thought.

Oh, like tens out of tens?

Yeah.

They should call it mid-square.

Yeah.

They should call it five-square.

Yeah.

They should call it nickel square.

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Just thinking about that.

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And

yeah,

I think we're good

on

that.

Yes, so hopefully amazing.

Hopefully we can edit around Adam's

how many years are going to be

too big.

Adams big no-no.

No, no.

Adam's favorite no-no.

Sorry.

You're all right.

That's for later.

That reminded me, though, something in that.

I wanted to go off on a tangent, but I wanted to get...

I made a mental note.

To pop off.

yeah and now it's fucking gone dude.

I need a personal assistant what was the what was let's let's go back by personal assistant I mean like a a Newton tablet

What's a Newton tablet?

Remember the first like PDA?

Apple tried to make the fucking I remember the palm pilot Apple tried to make the Blackberry like fucking ten years before it came out.

I watched the Blackberry movie on the plane.

What the fuck is the BlackBerry movie?

They made a movie about Blackberry

Go on

They were innovators.

I played Bejeweled 2

one game all the way back from Vegas to New York.

How far did you get?

I played Classic.

Five hours?

It was like a four and a half hour flight.

And maybe I started an hour and a half into the flight.

But one game, I think my top score was about 185,000.

That's like level 18 in Bejeweled 2.

I mean, you have no frame of reference, it doesn't matter.

You're just

acting like you.

Look, if you don't know what that means, then just

I'm just trying to support you.

I don't need support.

I already accomplished something.

Yeah, but like if I was like, I won the Olympics and you didn't know what the Olympics were, you won't be like, wow, good job.

Okay, but at the Olympics, you get a medal and everyone claps for you.

Okay?

You get a reward you get you get recognized for your accomplishment and I wanted you to feel recognized and seen

even though I don't know what that means at level 18

five hours if you think I went rooftop only how far do you think I could get in the city a Spider-Man

if I only used rooftops it's

across an avenue is like is far yeah I know I don't know if I you'd be stuck on one block could I go up though

what do you mean up?

Like up the.

If you start at the tallest building, then you can go down technically and get a little bit farther if you're going across the street.

I always thought they should have a zip line from the Empire State Building tip into the Statue of Liberty's ass.

That would be so cool.

Yeah.

That would be cool.

Yeah.

What's the city fucking doing?

Yeah.

They need to make news.

That would be an awesome prank.

It would cost millions of dollars, but if you set up like a zip line somewhere publicly, maybe even in Vegas, and you get on it and it goes so long you can't tell where it's going, and there's a giant sculpture of Goatsy

of a man's ass.

Pulling his asshole, it's wet in there.

So, you and you don't know as soon as you get on the zip line, but maybe about halfway through, you can see what's coming for you.

And it's getting bigger and bigger.

There's no way to stop it.

Yeah, you just go,

please, into a giant ass.

And you have to, oh.

Yeah.

And there's hoses that just spray

diarrhea.

That would be a good prank.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow, that guy would feel like an idiot.

I'll tell you that.

Yeah, yeah.

And it takes so long to get back that, like, people are in line.

They're getting on the zip line, and there's a guy covered in diarrhea.

He's like, Don't do it, don't.

They're like, Well, who's that?

And they're like,

It has nothing to do with the zipline.

I'll tell you that.

I'll tell you that.

I'm a crazy homeless guy.

Quick, get on the zip line.

Guys, call the police before that diarrhea man comes.

That would be a good prank.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You said how much would it cost?

You said hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Hundreds of millions of dollars, bro.

It's true.

Yeah, it was in a downtown.

That's a massive project.

If you went from Times Square to Harold Square, you set up a giant ass in Harold Square, but it's surrounded by curtains, so no one at the ground can see.

You're the only person I know that goes to Herald Square on purpose.

What do you mean?

It's right next to the Korean square?

Because you go to the Macy's.

Well, I go to Koreatown.

No one wants to go to Herald Square.

You don't get a Korean barbecue?

Yeah, but that's a stop that you get off at.

Oh, oh, no one wants to chill in Harold Square.

No, all right.

That's, yeah, you're, oh, that's so different.

You go there on purpose.

What are you talking about?

There's nothing to, no, I'm, I bet.

No one wants to, that's a, that's the stop that you go to.

You're not going to go to Harold Square to hang out.

You go to Macy's all the time.

I go to Macy's.

You're addicted to Macy's, honestly.

We don't talk about this on the show.

We don't talk about this on the

don't.

Okay.

Herald Square is the stop you get off at to go to Macy's.

It's Macy's Herald Square.

It's a fucking department store.

All right, I'm ready to blow the whistle.

Nick goes to Macy's.

You've been to Macy's.

Once a month.

No, you've been to Macy's probably.

When was the last time I went to Macy's?

You've been to Macy's probably over 300 times.

I'll tell you what.

Since I've, since

in the last maybe,

dude, we're about to start a big episode.

You're like, gotta run to Macy's real quick.

I have to wait for you.

You're not back for seven hours.

You're covered in fucking

makeup.

You smell like a fucking Parisian bordello.

I'm going to pull up a picture of you having makeup put on you at that exact moment.

No, shut up, dude.

That's not a real thing.

Yes, it is.

That is not a real thing.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not a real thing.

Yes, it is.

Because I wanted to go to Macy's and see.

Thank God for Geodel.

No, I wanted to show interest.

I wanted to show interest in

your secret life, you know, and you were like opening up that side of yourself.

You've got to be able to having been to that Macy's.

What are you talking about?

That was the first time and the last time I've been to that Macy's.

And you just go, you're like, oh, we're about to shoot.

My skin is bad today.

I have to have my makeup done at Macy's.

And I don't see you for another 48 hours.

You go into some sort of fugue state.

You just dissociate in Macy's.

Now you're not talking to me.

No, I'm finding the picture of you having makeup.

Great.

Good luck finding that picture.

Whoop, whoop.

Wait, let me see.

Chinese lady talking to you.

No, it's a lady at Keel's, and I said I needed a moisturizer.

Yes, and I took that picture because I was like, oh, look.

I was sending these people.

I'm like, look, Adam's buying makeup.

It's not makeup.

He's getting a makeup consultation.

No.

It's not that embarrassing of a picture.

I didn't say it was embarrassing, but why else would I have this picture on my phone if I wasn't like, what the hell?

Why is Adam dragging me to Macy's CD?

Yeah, I want to change the subject of pictures of me.

To get makeup expressions.

I want to change the subject of pictures of me on my phone, on your phone.

That's the last picture of me on your phone phone you'll ever show.

Every time you try to take a shot of me.

Don't, don't,

don't.

Every single time.

Why?

It's nothing to be embarrassed about about being obsessed with Macy's.

Very funny.

It's a classic.

It's a store in Penn Station.

Right down the street from Macy's.

Yeah, but that's, you go there on purpose because you need to go to Penn Station.

You got to go catch a nick game.

You got to

catch a train.

I'll tell you this, I am very confused by

the new Moynihan train hall.

What?

It's so nice.

But I don't know when I take a train, I don't know where I'm supposed to go.

You have to wait for the board to tell you.

And they don't tell you until like 10 minutes before the train leaves.

It is really stressful.

I will say that.

You're in that big hall.

What are you looking at?

Pictures though?

Yeah, I'm looking at pictures of the girlfriend.

I'm looking at the garage.

I parked my car.

I'm looking at pictures of you.

I'm not looking at pictures of you.

I'm going to find pictures of you.

Let me see.

Faces, suggested faces.

Nick, ahead of my girlfriend.

Great.

Most beautiful face I know.

That's a cute pic.

Anyways.

Oh, the day we went to hatch.

No, shit.

I've just gotten this.

This, I guess, was next to Macy's, too.

I saw this fat guy wearing a swastika medallion on the train oh that guy's around people see that guy i know i think he's from queens he is yeah i took this picture and then he was in the new york post like a month later i'm like oh yeah that guy that guy's like it's funny how the guy's like i'm that's i'm proud to be a fucking funniest part about new guys got pride that's the funniest part about the way new york is represented in the national media because it's like you know if you're a conservative you think this place is just a crime-ridden shithole yeah because it's but there's eight million people that live here and then also but on the New York's nice It's well, yeah, it's relatively nice, but then it's like such a small town like the dime square thing.

That's like 10 people

I think we know most of them.

I think it was just articles people were writing.

It's just articles.

I don't think it was a real thing.

It's not a real thing.

Yeah, yeah.

It's just fucking articles.

Yeah.

And then, you know, like the flooding.

Like you see all these videos online, and I was worried going.

I didn't see any flood.

I did not see any flooding at all.

But I think Bed Sai and like my neighborhood, i think we're a little bit up yeah and uh what was the other thing in guanis it was very it was like that during the during the riots in 2020.

what's that i would see it online people are like oh they're burning down the city and then i would just drive to the you know into manhattan to go to work it was nothing nothing yeah yeah

I have a suggested slideshow of pictures of you that I'm going to look at on my phone.

All right.

Turn the music down because we're going to start doing read here in a second.

But yeah, this guy and then also that fucking crazy lady when I was an extra on Blue Bloods that was going around accusing people of rape.

And then she was in the New York Post like two years later.

I remember that.

We were out of the country, right?

I think so.

Yeah.

You're in Australia and you're like, I know that lady.

Cornerstore Caroline, yeah.

Cornerstore Karen.

Cornerstore Caroline.

This was pre-Karen.

Was it?

Yes.

She was the one that said the boys backpacked touch

four-year-old black kid.

Can we watch that video?

Yeah.

So to catch you guys up, Nick was an extra on Blue Bloods, and he met this crazy woman who's like, uh, who's like,

interrupted a conversation.

Wait, you could tell the story.

It's not my story.

No, you can tell it.

I don't know.

She interrupted.

She's like, who are you talking about?

He raped me.

Footage of.

Oh, yeah.

So we're sitting in Holding, which is this tiny little room.

Yeah.

And there's two guys quietly talking to each other, two old men.

One of them's like, well, my friend Andrew, uh

andrew miller or whatever the fucking guy's name was yeah he was telling me and she goes oh andrew miller and then and he's like uh yes and she's like yeah i know him he raped me

and then he's like andrew miller the editor at uh like whatever he's talking about she's like ah maybe it's a different guy

exactly yeah yeah and uh yeah she had these aviators on and a leather jacket a couple years later she was in the new york Post.

I think we were in Australia when that happened.

Maybe Canada.

No, we were in, yeah, October 16th, 2018.

So, what that would have been Australia, Australia.

Yeah.

Footage of a New York City woman falsely accusing a black nine-year-old boy of sexually assaulting her has gone viral.

Can we just listen to a little bit of it?

Because

I think we need to blow the whistle on the way these Karens are acting.

No, I want the cops here right now.

Because his backpack touched her, right?

gonna stay right here.

I'm gonna stay right here.

Listen up, folks.

Listen up to it.

I'm telling them to listen.

The cops on a black lady.

I get it.

Yeah, they're videotaping mental health.

Yeah.

You remember me, right?

That's me from school, right?

That's right.

The sun wrap my ass.

She decided to yell and stay here.

So I'm going to stay right here.

Let's make it go violent.

No.

No, not her.

No, no.

She's calling police on a black hole.

She needs to go home.

My phone number is 646-484-8620.

Yeah.

She's putting her phone number in there.

I love how she waves the camera.

There are officers down the block.

They want somewhere.

No one wants to touch your flat ass.

That's a good comeback.

Folks, listen.

Anyways, we live in a big city.

Today's episode is brought to you by my bookie.ag.

Adam, take it away.

Okay, guys.

We

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I think this is the wrong one.

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Whoa, Sally.

Sally Ride was the teacher that died?

Yeah, that's that song Mustang Sally is about the astronaut that died.

The teacher that got blown up?

Yeah,

ever listen to the lyrics of that song?

It's crazy that they send a teacher up there.

Like,

teachers suck.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what's she going to do?

What's she going to fucking teach the moon?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking yell at the moon for not doing its homework.

Give fucking astronauts.

Yeah.

Why?

Because she has to.

They should have called it the mentally challenged or

because sending a teacher on that mission was retarded.

My book's not AG.

Yeah, I heard that.

That fucking that

the rocket was pretty short.

The what?

They wrote the short rocket up there.

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That was an Onion article like 25 years ago.

Bill Clinton sends the very special forces to Mali for some dispute, and they just, like, sh like took a picture of a plane and just made it short, shorter.

Back when we were allowed to laugh.

Yeah.

Before the fucking fucking Democrats took that away from us.

Common.

Anyway.

Oh yeah, my friend reminded me of that tweet also.

Today I completely forgot about it.

What was it?

Dude, it was the one about a fucking fucking a big girl where he's like, I busted in two minutes.

Her whole body like a ass.

So funny.

Anyway.

Her whole body like a ass.

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Nick, that's insane.

$200 in cash.

You know what you could do with that?

You could fuck your own mom.

I mean, you could.

With the money.

What do you mean, with the money?

Well, you could.

Because your mom is a...

I don't know.

I panic.

A sex worker.

Yeah.

And you hired her, and she didn't know that you were the client.

But you're paying, that's good.

Morale is said to be high among members of the very special forces.

They're going to get mad at us.

Who were flown Monday from Shepard Air Force Base to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, in a squadron of specially modified and

C-130 short planes.

Yeah, upon arriving, the troops are given a thorough mission debriefing by General James Herzog and a butterscotch pudding snack cup.

It's funny.

It's really good.

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This article is just making fun of retarded me.

They just use the military.

It has nothing to do with the military.

Were they going of Mali

Saudi Arabia.

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It's not even like well-written.

No, it's just me.

Guys, anyway,

we really believe in this service, mybookie.ag.

I use it.

Nick, we got a playoff baseball.

Now.

You want to tell us about, you want to tell us about what's going on with your Baltimore Orioles, the team Nick supported growing up?

Yeah.

Well, there's been a...

They got B.J.

Scherhoff?

There's been a scandal because last year they changed the mascot to, you know,

a Native American.

Yeah,

they changed it from the bird to a Native American.

They were racist, but that wasn't the worst part is that, you know, they were expecting the controversy.

So it's Native Americans sexually assaulting a child.

The thinking being, you know,

well, if people get mad, we'll say, no, it's a pedophile.

You can't, you're defending a pedophile.

but

that's backfired.

So they're saying that because the mascot is also

a rapist.

Yeah, you're saying you're glorifying pedophiles.

And the obvious argument is,

well, then we also must be glorifying Native Americans.

Checkmate.

Right.

You can't selectively.

You can't have one without the other.

You can't selectively choose,

you know, which one are.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying to find.

Did you see?

Do you remember that?

I don't want to like

say the headline wrong, but

the one about

let me, I'm just going to Google it because I can't tell you what I'm Googling

because I don't want to get the

I don't want to get the headline wrong, but the thing itself is

the onion article that was

Are you back?

No, I'm not gonna say it Can you just show something that was published

on the onion

Jeez Louise it's crazy that those guys are now like yelling at you about mask mandates and stuff or like about like uh yelling at me no no no like I feel like the guys that were writing those headlines are all like now late night writers who are like,

you know, just like yelling at people about not adhering to mask mandates or whatever.

Yeah, that was like a frustrating thing in like, I don't know.

Yeah, like, I guess a period in between like 2014 and 2017.

There would be people that like, they're like, well, now that I've made my money making racist comedy, I've learned a lesson.

You know, it's like...

It's like the people that used to work at Vice and write like

just doo-doo, and then they all become become like

Punisher Libs.

They write like

I found a guy a while back that was like, I don't know, I forget the article.

It was like somebody that covered craft beer

in like 2012.

Yeah.

That was like their thing.

Yeah.

And then it's like, I guarantee you, this guy's like,

he does something now that's, you know, like.

political or whatever.

And now he covers

like labor issues within craft beer.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, speaking of our friend, our friend Brace.

Yeah.

I'm not talking about him.

Yeah, yeah.

Our friend Brace was a

shout out to the New York Post.

And

take his ass down a little bit.

Maybe

try and

finish him off for good this time.

I mean,

this is just fucking wild.

The picture is crazy.

Yeah.

This was, guess what year this was?

2011.

2013.

God damn.

Obama was the president of the world.

I know.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Wow.

That blows my mind.

Anyway.

You know what's crazy?

Did we finish?

Did we do this?

Yeah, I did, but I hope that...

Listen.

No, let's go through all this.

Let me take it.

Okay.

Oh, tell them about this stuff.

Let's go back.

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Can I blow my nose?

Yeah, I think it's stuffy in here.

It's real stuffy in here.

I started getting really dizzy.

Dude, yesterday I had a fucking awful migraine in here.

You know what I want to do as soon as this wraps?

What's that?

Look up steam cleaners.

I know.

You've been on the steam cleaning kick.

Oh, but our air purifier isn't running.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm like.

By the way, Ginsburg, leave all this stuffy talk in the episode.

Aaron Rodgers' season is officially over, but yours is

NFL college ball.

Is college ball, does that mean all sports or just basketball?

Right now it's football.

Okay.

Do college sports have a season?

What do you mean?

Don't they just play all year while school is going?

No, like football's fall and winter.

Baseball's spring.

So what?

So college baseball, they only play for two months?

Well, it was like in high school.

It's the same thing in high school.

I didn't pay attention to what was going on.

Yeah, because you weren't a jock.

Yeah, well, I mean, I wasn't even really like a student either.

You were on heroin.

I just wasn't thinking.

I didn't do any kind of thinking or observing.

I was like, man, I can't wait until my dick grows.

You weren't at the pep rally.

And then it didn't happen.

I spent three years.

But they said in health class that it's supposed to grow.

The school counselor calls you in.

You're just still looking.

Have you given any thought to college?

We think your son is retarded.

Well, obviously I'm not retarded.

My dick's small.

I'm just waiting.

They're like, son, that story they tell you about retards having big dicks.

It is a nice thing they do.

Yeah.

It's like, that's just something we, that's kind of just a bone we throw them.

They do that to

black people, too.

It's like society is really cruel to them, but we're like, well,

everyone knows how great their dicks are.

The Asian guy that's being forced to work on the railroads is like, what about me?

They're like, oh, get back to work.

You're really, you're smart.

You're smart as hell.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, well, can I be a scientist?

No.

No.

No.

No, you can't.

No, you have to work on

a transcontinental railway.

Yeah, a bunch of you have to die building a transportation system that we're going to just completely abandon.

Don't get me started, brother.

I know.

Don't get me started, brother.

That is, because I don't really...

What a waste.

I don't really...

I do interpret that as anti-Asian racism, the fact that we have to rely on air travel.

We don't respect the tracks.

I mean, they spent a lot of time building it.

You know, are those tracks still in use?

They got all given to the freight companies.

So, really?

Anytime you see freight trains, those all used to be like fucking like that's how you got around the country.

Yeah.

And then CSX, it's like there's four freight train companies.

There's

the one that fucking killed everyone in Ohio.

The chemical one.

The biggest one, there's what is.

Do hobos still go in those?

I would imagine they would.

Are there still hobos?

There's obviously still.

No, but not that old school, like stick and bindle, kind of a, you know, like a like a tie that's like kind of going up.

Yeah, they just don't need a bindle anymore.

You can get a fucking takeout bag.

Clown makeup.

You can get a takeout bag.

Big floppy shoes.

Kind of a clown style hobos.

Big old floppy penis.

Big old floppy penis.

You know how them hobos got them got them big old bangs.

That is so condescending

to say that about mentally handicapped people.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it true, though?

I think it might be.

It might be true.

I feel like it is.

That's why there's no pushback.

Because no one's like checking.

I don't know.

I'm not checking their dicks.

Yeah.

I do remember there was a kid in my gym class in middle school when we had the pull-up competition.

And my man did like,

he did like 400.

I think coach had to make him stop.

he still had strength yeah well they do hit puberty at like four

yeah he was like a man they're like they're like robin williams in that movie jack jack yeah

wait were you there that night that we were watching it like wasted at 4 a.m end of the night it is a demented movie

we were at steven's house during covid like hammered watching it at like 4 a.m and it's it first of all francis ford copula made it Yeah, that's right.

The guy that made the godfather made Jack.

But

it's fucked up.

It's like freaky.

I kind of like, I just remember I was like, I'm freaked.

Like, I'm not handling this right now.

Maybe I was on bath salts or K2 or something, but

what's wrong?

Huh?

What's the face?

Oh, sorry.

I was like spacey.

You are?

I think I'm having allergies or something.

I'm

like, my nose is running.

This studio is,

it's making it's killing us well they're having like a party across the street or the yeah the tech company i think they're having a like they're maybe they're releasing why wouldn't they bring us a plate i dad i was wondering i keep walking they should bring us a plate they see me i'm making eye contact i keep walking by very slowly

and nothing yeah no one why do they just i schmooze them in the hall sometimes all the time yeah I'm like, how are numbers for this?

I'm going to go in and be like, hey, are you throwing this couch out?

Yeah, why did they put their fucking couch in the hole?

If I didn't say no, then I say, well, let me get some of the low main.

They have low main?

I think so.

No.

No, I mean, I feel like they got a whole spread.

Did you say promo code?

T-A-F-S.

I said it twice.

Mybookie.

A-G.

I said that like four times.

Yeah.

Oh, also,

is your chop up?

No, they're waiting on the

mugs.

And then, so we got...

Guys, we have a whole line of merchandise that will be dropping in the next two weeks uh one of the products i had to go to um

i had to go into uh deep south brooklyn to retrieve from a really

from uh from an orthodox journal that text is really funny what text the text from a guy okay well you can just tell them

you can tell them okay so we ordered uh so we will be launching uh as one of our products uh these are beautiful like calf leather yamulkas that are embroidered with the logo of the Adam Friedland Show.

And he, for some reason, the guy that made them just sent, we went through all 500 of them to do like a quality control.

Seven of them were bad, the rest were good.

He sent a picture of like the worst one where like the letters are like curving down.

My friend who runs our merch like sent an email.

He's like, listen, dude, like,

like we're like, this looks, this looks terrible.

And then the, the, the Chased guy responds, he's like, like, actually, these look incredible.

I've never seen anything look this good.

Actually, they look amazing.

Actually, they're good.

There's never been, no one's ever made them.

I'm actually, well, he said he's actually shocked.

I'm shocked at how good they look.

I'm actually shocked at how good they turned out.

So, guys, yeah, we will have to go.

I thought they were bad, but they were good.

I thought they would be bad, but they're very good.

We will have t-shirts, mugs, yarmulkas, and then there are more products on the way after that.

But we, guys, we are very excited with our whole line of merchandise that will be dropping soon.

Anything else?

What else is on the agenda?

Ginsburg, how much more time do we have?

We're at 105.

Mm-mm.

No, we're not.

Oh.

Oh, right.

I forgot to hit resume again.

So I think that's that's it.

I think we're good.

Yes, I think we're good.

That's it.

Guys, thanks for stay tuned.

Please subscribe to the YouTube channel.

That'll help us out.

Please subscribe.

Thank you for all the feedback we've gotten on the Chet Hanks episode.

We are already started on the next one.

It's already recorded.

We are editing it.

Guys, next episode of the Adam Freelance Show will be out in an expeditionary manner.

Friends, show your family.

Show your friends, show your family, show your bitch.

Family, show your dog.

Show your dog, show your bitch.

Get them all to subscribe.

Guys, thank you.

We'll get a new water bottle.

We'll get the air filter going, and we will purchase a steam cleaner.

And then all of these wires are organized now, so those can all be.

Maybe we need to vacuum this thing?

Yeah, well, I think it needs to be steam cleaned.

Steam cleaned?

Yeah.

Nice.

All right.

Thanks for watching.

I also want to bring the steam cleaner home.

Really?

For your house?

Yeah, I think I want to try it on that rug in my living room.

Really?

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted.

Winner, best score.

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It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

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