The Adam Friedland Show Podcast – Episode 8

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Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

You know the deal?

It's Adam Nick.

Let me say the date.

What?

Let me say the date.

The 14th of June 2023.

This is the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

Big day here at the studio.

Can't say why.

Yeah, don't.

Just don't.

Just move on, dude.

I can't move on, dude.

All right, we're doing the podcast thing.

I know.

I have to look up the reads.

You were sitting here watching soccer on your phone while me.

I wasn't watching soccer on my phone, actually.

I was...

It's already 1 p.m.

We're starting hours late.

How is this my fault?

I'm not saying it's your fault, but don't get on me for looking up the reads.

We made hours late.

We had.

You're like, come on, we're doing the pod.

Hours late.

We went to a corporate event.

There's reasons why.

I understand there's reasons.

It's like you do this thing where you bait me.

What I do this thing.

You bade me into this thing where somebody's at fault and you imply that I'm at fault.

I never said you're at fault for anything.

You think that any statement that another person

is an attack?

I'm on my phone pulling up the advice.

There's plenty of times where you're just ad messaging.

Okay, anyway, guys.

Pulling up the ad every time when the show is.

He's my best friend.

I love him.

Okay, so.

Pulling up the ad copy for the show.

Okay, great.

We could have done that and then said start.

You go after me in such a way as to imply that I'm the one dilly-dallion, never minding the fact that right before the cameras are starting, I'm working.

I'm working.

It was a big day.

We have to swap this lens.

I know, I know, no.

It was a big day, guys.

We were having a big day.

It was a lot of nervous energy here in the studio.

We had a couple couple things.

We had to go to a corporate vendor earlier.

Potentially an offer has been made out to the biggest celebrity, one of the biggest celebrities in America.

Now you're shaking your head.

You just, what is it?

Now I'm texting.

Why are you texting now?

Because I feel like it.

We agreed we weren't going to talk.

We're going to be professionals about it.

We're not going to talk about it.

That's all I can think about.

It's all I can think about, Nick.

I can't think about anything else.

Yes, you can.

It's hard.

It's just.

Pretend thinking.

My heart has been racing.

My heart has been racing since that happened.

Pretend thinking about it.

And it's a good thing, guys.

Just so you know, don't be worried about Nick and Adam.

It's a very good thing that happened, potentially.

And

my stomach has been in my throat.

Pretend that thinking about it.

My penis has been in my body.

Continue, sorry.

No, go ahead.

My balls have been.

They're ovaries now.

They're.

Pretend what?

Good.

You're about to give me good advice.

No.

You give great advice.

No, I don't.

Yes?

No, you don't.

Absolutely not.

Okay, so wait.

Are you chewing on this?

Why are there teeth marks on the vape?

Because my dog used it.

You chew on them.

Okay, maybe just don't use someone else's vape.

It'd be disgusting.

And then, where is it?

Give it to me.

This is mine.

No, this is somebody like

power situation.

No, it's not.

It's mine.

I brought the.

What does mean it's a power situation.

Yes, it is.

It's all power.

It's not power.

Yeah, you're

always be selling Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross.

That has nothing to do with power.

That is.

Yes, it is.

It's all about power.

No.

The salesman, the

mark.

Salesmen are employees.

That movie is about working hard and traditional values.

It's a pretty straightforward movie that's about

if you work hard in life, you will be rewarded for it.

That movie is about masculinity.

Yes, it is.

Well, I didn't get that from it.

Well, there are no chicks in it.

Exactly.

Exactly.

What?

Well, if it was about masculinity, it would be guys just getting pussy constantly.

It doesn't happen once in the movie.

That's a good point.

See, you do give me.

There's no suggestion.

That's not advice either.

It's like advice on what the movie is.

My opinion of what Glen Gary Glenn Ross is.

I will try to remove this from my mind.

Go ahead, talk about it.

You want to.

We don't have to.

You've been begging me that you want to talk about this before the show.

Begging.

And you're telling me you can't think about anything else.

I'm just really, it's just, it's just...

I fly out 9 a.m.

tomorrow.

I'll be in San Diego at the American Comedy Co.

tomorrow, Friday and Saturday.

Please come out.

Go ahead and check that out.

It'd be nice.

I got cousins out there that haven't seen me too.

Me too.

My uncle's,

I guess, I used to call it like a memorial service.

It wasn't a funeral per se,

but it'll be nice to see them.

Yeah, I have family there, too.

Actually, I haven't seen them since like right at the start of.

Where in San Diego?

I don't want to dox them.

It's not a dox, just hand it.

Chula Vista.

Chula Vista.

Yeah.

There are a lot of auto malls.

There's like an auto mall there.

All of Southern California looks identical to me.

They all have outdoor malls.

Yeah.

The brief period I went around with them while they're showing me around San Diego, they're like, so this is like fucking,

you know, I'm like, this looks like anything.

You can probably drop me anywhere in LA.

It all looks some parts of San Diego that are very unique.

It's like when I do, we do shows in Orange County, people are like, well, this is Orange County.

I'm like, I don't fucking.

That's how I grew up.

Everything looked like where the improv is in Irvine.

It all looks identical.

That's exactly how I grew up.

It's a fucking like a packed sun surrounded by palm trees.

Yeah.

Brand new sidewalks.

They spent all their money everywhere.

It's a fucking sidewalk.

Everything's new.

It's all brand new.

My dad came to visit me and he was like being like a snob about how the sidewalks are uneven.

He said, I guess your neighborhood hasn't gentrified yet about Fort Greene.

I was like, you're such a fucking loose.

No, they made the sidewalks 200 years ago.

Yeah.

It used to be.

You live in a real city.

You would ride on the back of an indentured servant.

So you didn't really have to worry about the sidewalks.

Yeah.

Because they'd carry you.

Like a a mongoloid, like a big mongoloid.

There'd be a houseboy.

No, I don't think they gave them jobs back then.

Because they didn't have...

Mongoloids?

Yeah, they'd throw them in jail.

Because until, no, I mean it.

Like that in the 1800s, if you're born in 1890 and you had an intellectual disability, you got put in jail.

And that didn't really change until roughly.

It was actually Thomas Edison.

Because he invented...

you know, movies, essentially.

And then once theaters proliferated, there was jobs for them.

Oh, ticket terrorists.

Yeah, terror in the thickest.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so that, but wasn't it like a home for the profoundly

is that?

I never understood.

What does the word profound mean?

It's just a good adjective.

But it just means what?

Like, damn.

Wow.

Yeah.

My man, fucked up.

Because it's like if somebody has a profound thought, you know.

Yeah, it's a eureka.

Yeah.

But I I guess that, like, if someone's profoundly

like autistic, I guess it's like the non-verbal, like, can't function kind of,

not the, like, I'm just rude to people, kind of, yeah,

there are levels to this, you know.

Anyway, I won't mention it.

I'll defer to you.

You know, I trust you.

You've made a lot of good calls that I pushed back on that I,

in retrospect, was like, Nick, you got that one right.

We have a play in motion.

A what?

A play in motion.

There's a play in motion, right?

And I'm a big blabber mouth.

I'm

a giant gossip queen.

I want to tell my friends that listen to the show about it.

But Nick is quite correctly telling me to sack up, be a man.

Not be a man.

There's none of that.

It just says wait and see.

Yeah, but if I was like, here's what you're doing to my mom.

Life is a chessboard, right?

And so you're saying rook rook the E7,

you know?

What is that, castling?

I don't know.

Castling?

Rook the E7.

I don't know how to play chess.

But let's, so you, I know that you say, you know, rook the E7.

You say the number.

You say, rook the E7, right?

And now then you go like this.

You can hit the clock, and then you go like this, and then you see what happens.

What you're doing is you go, rook the E7.

And then now your next move is to turn around and go, see, here's why I did that.

Because if I do that, then he'll move here, and then I can do this.

But what you're doing.

And then they just hear everything and they go, okay, well, I won't do that.

I'll do it.

You're thinking about the psychology of the.

Who are we playing against?

God?

The world.

The world.

It's a vampire.

We're playing against death.

Yeah.

Yeah, on the beach.

Life is.

We should really got to get into Andrew Tate stuff.

Dude,

I watched a ton.

like a month and a half ago.

I agree with life is a chess.

99% of it.

Life is a constant game of chess against death itself.

That sounds good.

And now, do you want to be the king or do you want to be a pawn?

That's the first question.

And if you have to be a pawn, do you want to be one of the white pieces or one of the black ones?

I go black every time.

Because it moves first?

No.

Does it?

Yeah.

Black goes first?

I think so.

Chess is very progressive.

The queen is the most powerful.

Well, I think

they invented chess before they had black people.

No, I don't think so.

Well, in Europe, they didn't really.

Like, the black people they had back in olden times were like

Moors.

Well, they were like

the Gladiator's Friend, if you've seen that movie.

Yeah, yeah.

Digimon Honsu.

Yeah, yeah.

Digimon Hansu.

Yeah, Digimon Hans.

No, Digimon Honsu.

Yeah.

All the black guys back then, they were like shiny and eight feet tall and they could blow magic.

And wise.

Yeah, into your face.

And wise.

Right.

And at the perfect moment in the...

And the only clothes they wear, they would have a bunch of chicken bones on a necklace and then they would be wearing a single flip-flop as a cod piece.

And

so

it wasn't racist back then.

The world.

It was still a vampire, but it wasn't racist.

And

you know, so my only point is when they invented chess, I think we turned the AC off a little too early.

It's hot in here.

I'm going to turn it on and then Ginsburg.

Yes, sir.

Can you let us know how much this deteriorates the audio quality of the podcast if I have the AC on?

Sure.

I'm burning up.

I feel like I'm covered in pitch.

Yeah, I think that's why there was a little bit of acrimony up top.

It's not acrimony.

I can't even open my fucking eyes.

No, no, you were like, oh, I'm checking the reeves.

You're such a doofus.

That's not acrimony.

What do you mean?

It's not acrimony.

This is what I mean.

You're the most acrimonious guy I've ever met.

You're like accusing me of stuff.

That is an accusation.

Yeah.

Oftentimes you claim that I'm accusing you.

Can you bring this to the gym?

Hell yes, dude.

Just fucking the biggest water bottle.

Just doing two sets.

Yeah, just like no wait.

Yeah.

Just the bar.

Yeah, in the Pilates.

In the modern dance class.

Yeah.

Just fucking.

Go to Barry's boot camp.

It is pretty badass.

Yeah.

We were trying to get the Guinness World Records on the show.

Look at that lotion thing.

Mr.

Joey was working on that for us.

I think we, how's that sound, Ginsburg?

He'll roll it off, he says.

Dude, we got a real pro

in the edit.

Yeah.

In the control room.

We love our boy Adam Ginsburg.

So I still haven't played the new Zelda.

I don't know if that's happening anytime soon.

And I am not sure that I'm particularly happy about that.

Yeah.

What's the new one?

The Desolation of Smallud?

Tears of the Kingdom.

That's good.

You know why?

Because they've made queens too powerful.

Well, that's what you learn from chess, is that the most powerful is the Queen.

Yeah, how do you get...

What's like the posture?

Should we just get cigars?

The ace.

Look, a lot of this.

I'll tell you, you know my emotional state.

I got to do with I'm being,

I have, every, you have to do a special.

I'm, I, my heart is not in stand-up.

I don't, you know, I look, I'll just be honest.

Okay, yeah, yeah, we've discussed.

And maybe some of that is like cowardice or whatever.

Being a baby.

Yeah, being a baby, fine.

All of that being.

I'm the biggest baby I've ever remembered in my life.

But I guess it's like,

you know,

it feels like trying to chase something, you know, it feels like being behind the eight ball.

I'd rather just do something

different, because that way you can't really fail.

If you do something different.

I don't understand that you can.

What?

You can do something different.

Well, that's what I mean.

But

my point is,

I see this is you interrupt so much.

I have a very simple point to make.

And then even setting it up,

I was just telling you that you're

still doing it.

I'm encouraging you.

You're still doing it.

You can't receive encouragement from a friend without thinking that it's an attack.

You can't listen to more than three words in a sentence.

You don't understand people.

You don't.

You can't listen to four.

You made it to four words that time.

You don't understand people.

I love you.

You made it to four words that time.

And then I get caught up.

Tell me more about

your Kampf.

Tell me a little bit more about your Kounf.

I get caught up

just trying to get through the initial statement.

Do I encourage you to say that you're capable?

You said

that you're capable of doing something different and that you're yeah you're i was encouraging you and then you assume that that is an attack on you it's bizarre no not even close you know why because you think that we're at the chessboard right now i want to i want to tell a story about go tell the story this is how i'll be like i have a story about going to the ferrari dealership right and i'll say and i'm like oh i want to tell a story and i'll say so i was at mcdonald's the other day and then you'll immediately be like what mcdonald's no you'll be like why would you go to mcdonald's when you can go to burger king you're saying wait, you're in Dulawa now.

And then I'm like, I'm only saying I went to McDonald's so that I can say I went to the Ferrari dealership.

And then you'll get, you'll fucking drag it out.

You're like, you hate McDonald's.

You hate, you're always checking.

That's up to you.

You won't tell.

You won't tell the correct analog about how you hate McClinton.

That is not the correct analogy.

It's exactly what it is.

The correct analogy is...

That happens all the time.

The correct analogy is to say

that

you're incapable of something.

And then I tell you as your friend, you could do that.

The only point of that.

You could.

You are powerful.

You are talented enough.

The only point.

And you're like, how dare you attend?

The only point of bringing up.

Oh, my heavens.

Oh, my heavens.

The only point of bringing that up was to make the point that I would have no problem doing Andrew Tate stuff and we should turn this show into an Andrew Tate thing.

You don't even let me get anywhere close to that territory where I'm making an analogy because I...

Only because you objected to me saying, you can do it.

That's not what happened.

That's what I said.

That's not what happened.

I said, do you understand that?

Maybe it wasn't the time nor the place for you to interrupt.

You understand, like, communication is about like two different people.

It's not about just you talking to someone.

It's not about just you talking to someone and you having to say the thing you have to say.

You understand that it's an exchange of ideas.

Communication is also built on sentences.

You understand that it's an exchange of ideas.

What information is being exchanged?

I didn't even get to relay the idea.

You were giving a preamble and you presented a fact.

And I said, I countered that fact by saying, yeah, of course you could.

You said, I can't.

And then I said, of course you could.

I didn't say I can't.

First of all, I'm doing the thing.

So I already know.

So I don't need...

So great.

And I don't, I mean, whether it's good or bad, it doesn't matter.

The point is, is that in doing a special,

it does feel like,

and whether it's rational or not, that I'm doing something because I think that I'm supposed to for the benefit of my career, which I don't like doing.

In the same way that I don't like having to print business cards or fucking do any of these things because it feels, I'll tell you what, it feels desperate to me.

There feels like there's some kind of desperation and I'd like to avoid that feeling so chasing something that seems like

like in search of like some kind of

like mainstream success now you can say fine all these things that the source of that is like my own you know cowardice or whatever fine or I'm being a baby or I'm being afraid fine

self-doubt and everyone self-experiences it

yes fine it can

be fine that's fine fine whatever the reasoning for it is but if the end result is that I still feel like, or

again, whether it's rational or not, whether I should feel that way or not, it leaves me feeling desperate trying, even doing stand-up itself, because it's like I'm trying to, like, it feels like, oh, I got to do this thing because, frankly, you can make money right now, you know, or like this, this is like a thing that you have to do because this is like the right career.

Making a living, it's making a living, and you know, I mean, regardless of what kind of money money you make, you'll still feel exactly sure.

And it's, it's, but in

all right,

the point is, engaging in a more mainstream thing that I wouldn't feel bad about because I'm fascinated by it is actively trying to do like Andrew Tate.

If we could do like

just some bullshit advice show and all of the advice is garbage and it's just chess analogies, I would have that

and doing it sincerely.

Well, I guess maybe I'm not.

It wouldn't be sincere.

I know.

There's no way.

That's the reason, I guess.

Is engaging with it in that way.

So how do I lower my respect

for

a potential stand-up comedy special to the level where I can just engage with it ironically?

I think.

I don't care.

I mean, I'll do it anyway.

You'll do it and it'll be awesome.

Well, whether it is or it is.

You're like an incredibly talented stand-up comedy.

I just, I only had to.

You've been doing it most of your life i was only trying to make this distinction that's obviously not clear about but what you're expressing is self-doubt and i think the easiest way to grapple with this i would do ted talks for your special no for something for the show

just doing stuff like that even honestly getting business cards i would order a hundred thousand business cards

i know but now that years ago i'll tell you when i was like we knew the bowser one when i was like 20 21 years old and i was a a comedian, and I was like, just I was a feature act, and I didn't know how to get to the next level.

The next level was like constantly

disappearing and becoming more elusive.

And then you have people being like, well, you need headshots and business cards.

And a website.

And

you know.

god damn well that is not going to do anything

you know it's not going to do a thing to have business cards and a website

but you do it and it's like

yeah it's like you have those guys that are at open micers that have a hundred different professional headshots.

And most of them don't want to do it.

They know it won't do anything.

I think that they think that it is doing something.

Yeah.

I'm more in your mindset where I'm like, oh, that stresses me out.

It does.

It stresses you out too.

It stresses me out.

Because it makes you feel desperate.

It makes you feel like...

Yeah, it's just, ugh.

Like, you know, like you're scared.

A different type of scare.

It's beyond that, but it's also just like, and I experienced what you're expressing is like it's being told to do something.

You know?

I don't think it stems from like a problem with authority, really, because if there is no authority, nobody's like telling me you have to do it.

No, but I think that if this is like a standard or something like that.

The decision to do it, it is, when you think about it, it makes it more humiliating.

The decision to do it is mostly based on like

fucking like the market and like, you know, the economy, what makes sense.

You put a special out, maybe it'll get you some more ticket sales, you know?

And it's like, I hate that.

I hate thinking about like oh if i i hate feeling i'm scrambling i think i would think about it in the in the sense that you're you started when you were 17 years old this is half your life you should put a special out you've dedicated so much of your life to this and like i honestly really i mean it's okay what

if you haven't but like this you've been doing this for half your life all things all things yeah i said this if money just for the record i was cut off money is no just for the record if money was not a question right what would i be doing would i be touring

Probably not.

You know,

but I would be here and I would just be working on this full time.

Yeah, I love working on this.

This is way more fun.

This is, I was, all that time I spent was so that, I mean, not so that, but.

I feel the same way as.

We're finally in a position now where

you can do what you want.

And then, like, trying to get there, you think it's like, you know, they're talking about like making it or something or like getting to that point where it's like, okay, now you can.

And, like, you expect to feel some kind of like, like relief where you've like passed through some threshold and now you can operate in this territory, being able to do what you want.

But the reality is, unless you have like endless money, then it's like, okay, now once you're there, you have to like fight to not be sucked out of it.

I think that like

Everyone projects things that they want like goals and stuff and the second you get it It's just it's never gonna there's no making it.

There's no like finally being fulfilled.

I think it's just like, like, if you, if you wanted to be on SNL or something, like your whole life, right?

Yeah, and then you finally got it within three days, it would just be your, you'd have to go to work.

I mean, I'm, I'm, I'd say this would be your job.

It wouldn't be like, this is the thing, but this isn't like a job.

This doesn't feel like a job.

This doesn't feel like a fucking lucky dude.

I know.

We're very lucky.

I know, but it's not like you get the luck and then it's just

then you have we have to like fight to maintain this thing.

We are, which is, I know I'm it's just whining, but we, but we literally are, dude.

And it keeps, it keeps getting better.

The show is going to get better.

If any of you are like a billionaire and you could give us a hundred million dollars

so we could just not worry about money and we could just do this show all the time.

That would be a starting point.

Just a gift.

Yeah, a gift of a hundred million.

Not alone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And none of it will go, it'll go to the purse for the show.

Yeah.

We'll take a quick salary of probably what, $750,000 a a year for each note.

We'd get a big publisher's clearinghouse check, right?

Yeah.

It would arrive at the studio.

It would say, you're a secret admirer,

what did you say, $500 million?

$100 million.

Let's go $500 million.

Let's say $500 million.

We get $500 million.

Within 20 minutes...

you would complain about the amount of taxes you have to pay on a gift.

No, I wouldn't.

Yes, you would.

First of all, I've never...

You'd be like, oh, fuck.

It's not even a real $500 million.

No, because...

no now we're broke again i would not yes you would yes you would never done i know you why would i do that i've never done that

because you see the negative in everything no you don't that's such an unfair yes you characterization no i don't right into the show uh if you think nicknames is the negative in it whatever no you're slandering me yeah come on whatever i don't see the negative in things yes you do you have to be honest about stuff That's

the reality.

When I say Adam, Adam, maybe...

Realist is the same.

Maybe it's being a pessimist.

Maybe we don't need to spend $5,000 on Ubers a month when the show already.

And I said yes.

So that's not me being negative.

I didn't say that was being negative.

So what is negative?

You created a hypothetical situation and said I would say something.

I'm the one that presented this.

I said this would be a perfect solution is if we had $500 million.

That would be ideal.

And then you're telling me that I would say...

I'm just saying if you aspire to something and then it becomes the reality, then it just becomes normal that's what I'm saying the the problem I don't think that I mean the problem is is aspiring and saying that's what it's going to take instead of just like the process no that's that's a separate thing that's that was the point I was you're talking about the emotional process of creating something realizing it that is separate from what I'm talking about I'm strictly talking in material terms where it's like

you know like yeah if there we if we if like could look we have the benefit of doing everything independently so we don't have to answer to anybody right we don't both

like the great freedom that you have if you work in the entertainment industry somebody else is writing the checks but it's also going through their legal department and their producers

and practices yeah all that shit and also you know it's Comcast or Viacom or something.

What I'm saying is there's a third option which is how things work during the Renaissance where somebody with a billion dollars gets the Demeticis.

Yes, that's what we need.

A patron.

We don't need patrione.

Those

We need an Italian guy.

There are patrons, but we do need an Italian guy.

Yeah.

And so that's our Andrew Tate advanced.

We need a powerful Venetian shipping family.

That's our Andrew Tate advice for today is you got to make sure you find your own Medici family.

That is really fat ass to be drinking out of that.

Yeah.

Does that make that probably feels good?

Drinking out of a giant drug?

Yep.

Yeah, anytime I feel like a cartoon character, I feel better.

Yeah.

You like it when things are not the size that they're they're supposed to be?

Well, they don't have consequences.

Yeah, you can get hit in the head with a hammer and you don't die.

Yeah.

Yeah, you run into a wall that's painted like a

like a road.

Yeah.

You become a pancake and you just pop right back up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, how are you feeling?

Um,

yeah, it was a lot of nervous energy today, but good.

But good in general.

Two good things coming up.

What are the two?

Oh, the other, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I guess I kind of grouped everything in the same category.

Yeah, I don't feel, I feel momentum.

That's all I care about, is feeling a sense of momentum.

If I feel a stasis, then I get stressed.

Yeah.

But if I can, I mean, even if I'm convincing myself that there's momentum, then...

I feel stable.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just want to be here working on this.

Yeah.

I don't really want to do it.

Other than go to the gym.

We can get a squat rack in the utility room.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe we'll work out together once a day.

Okay.

Don't take pics.

No, I won't.

Thanks.

Yeah, no problem.

Did you delete that picture of me?

Which one?

You know the one.

No, I have to keep that.

Because you disrespect me.

I don't know.

I mean, and I've not shown it to anyone.

You have shown it to people in company.

While you're there.

While I was there.

You haven't texted.

No.

It's not a...

No one has ever seen that picture outside of...

You know, like when you're, like, falling asleep and you think of that one thing, and you bolt awake, you know?

Sometimes that picture.

Well, there's a way to change that.

Get my body big.

Yeah.

I want to get my body big.

That's the next step.

Yeah.

That's what Andrew Tate would say.

What does he say?

I don't know.

He says a lot of shit.

I just don't.

I don't understand how he's still making videos in prison.

Yeah, I don't get if he's in or out.

He's in prison for doing Epstein stuff, but they still let him tweet.

Sex trafficking?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's like, every day is a mountain that you have to kill.

We can make that up so easy.

Yeah.

That shit is easy.

But what it is, is communicating to guys that don't get pussy how they should be a man.

I think that's...

No, you go a different direction.

You have to tell people it's okay to bitch and moan constantly.

That's a much better way to live your life.

Just complain always about everything.

Yeah, I agree.

And then you're, you know,

still is a cup of water.

But no one's going to listen to me if I'm doing Andrew Tate if I don't have muscles.

You have to be a guy that's jacked that's constantly like, I don't want to go to the gym.

Yeah.

And not doing the like, but I have to, because that's what motivation is.

Just being like, going to the gym fucking sucks.

It sucks.

I hate hate being jacked.

I didn't want to wake up today.

Yeah.

Yeah, we need to normalize whining.

Yeah, being a baby?

Fucking, yeah.

I don't give a fuck.

It feels much better just fucking just bitch.

You know, I'm the biggest baby in the world.

I love it, dude.

I love constantly just fucking complaining.

We dress like babies.

I went to the grocery store.

They have 500 types of cheese, but not the sweetest cheese bread that I wanted.

And I didn't realize I wanted it until I looked at the cheeses.

What is that?

And I was like, I can't fucking believe this.

I'm like, I don't know.

I'm going to get a candy bar to make myself feel better.

I deserve it.

I did.

I did deserve it.

Yeah.

It was like a homeless person outside.

Or, like, I'm like, oh, I guess my problems aren't that bad.

And I'll give him a dollar.

And then I'll say, well, now it's time to complain about the fucking cheese.

Yeah.

You gave him the dollar.

I at least spoke

in this guy.

I'm not going to complain to them.

But in my head, I can go back to being like I didn't even get my fucking cheese bro you're not even gonna believe this

just going up to

yeah no I wouldn't I wouldn't do that yeah

do you ever do the thing I was on the train today and a guy that was like asking for money walked by and I didn't have any money so I didn't give it to him And then a lady was like, oh, here you go, sir.

She gave him money.

And then in my head, I'm looking at her.

I'm like, well, you think you're fucking better than me?

Do you do that?

Do you get like, do you feel like, oh, this motherfucker thinks they're better than I am?

About a charity.

Well, because I didn't.

Yeah, so,

you know, they're thinking, they're looking, they're like, well, look at this piece of shit.

You know what I do that?

It's not the same thing.

But if I get bad service at a restaurant, if someone's being a dick to me, I'll tip like

30% or more.

Yeah, I'll make them feel bad.

I'll make them feel bad.

Yeah.

See how they like this massive tip.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For doing a bad job.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, if I get like a cab driver, that's spiteful.

You get a cab driver clearly that doesn't want to go to Brooklyn, and then

they also are like, oh,

I don't know how to get there.

And they won't put it in their phone.

And it's like, okay, well, I know how to get there.

I can tell you.

And then they intentionally miss turns and like, you know, do that.

They go the wrong way.

You're going to have to tell them like left here, left here, left here, and they'll blow it and they're like, oh, I didn't hear you or whatever.

I'll still tip them 30%, but that entire ride, I'm thinking, I hope I just violently shit shit my pants all over this car.

See how he likes that?

I hope I just, I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sick.

I'm sick and I shit myself all over the car.

Yeah.

Never happens.

Yeah.

It always happens when you don't want it to.

Hence shitting your pants, I guess.

That's a very

metaphor for life.

When you want to shit your pants to

to Alpha,

a man whose life has been ruined by big tech.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's too much anti-wining stuff going on now.

Oh, totally.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's too, a lot of it is coded as like injustice.

What is that?

Like there's a lot of stuff that's just basic whining that's like now in the domain of activism or injustice.

Yeah, that's the thing is like.

Which it puts this like it really.

It gives whining a bad name.

Well, not only does it give whining a bad name, I don't think it's as cathartic as just straight up whining.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Because then it's like, oh, now I got to do all this fucking activism where you could just be like, excuse me, where's the cheese for disabled people?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's actually cowardly to not just be a baby and to just want to be a baby and then say that it's because you're...

you believe in justice.

Yeah, no, I feel like the anti-baby behavior from a lot of people, because people find it to be disgusting.

They're like, oh, you're just bitching and moaning.

And like, you know, oh, it could be worse.

Or, you know, I don't know, all this.

Like, regular people don't bitch and moan.

They're just like grateful for what they have or whatever.

I feel like a lot of people like that would like to bitch and moan.

But they're like, for some reason, they think you're not allowed to.

Yeah, because

probably their parents told them.

And they're jealous.

They're like, I would love to just fucking cry and why.

I would love to just fucking just bitch and walk.

I love it.

I love this new perspective on life.

We got to write a book about this.

Like a self-help book.

You're a fucking baby loser, and it's time for everyone to hear about it.

Yeah.

And no one respects that.

But they should.

Respect is overrated.

I don't care about respect at all.

It's all about making sure you're comfortable

at the expense of everyone else.

Yeah, I loved.

I remember there was

a woman who took a picture of one of those kiosks at McDonald's.

Oh wait real quick.

Oh, yeah.

Today is brought to you

I'm in Lisbon.

Sorry for the lack of communication.

Ooh

I guess Joey's in Lisbon.

Oh, it's nice there apparently.

Yeah, except for that earthquake.

Yeah

What just the way I was like yeah.

Oh you're laughing at the way you reacted

it was like a stupid thing to Ginsburg was it funny the way he said.

What shut up?

Oh, okay.

I missed it I was looking at my phone Ginsburg was that funny

good guy he's a good guy yeah no he's a good guy he's a great guy works hard yeah

folks summer is coming

okay

are you ready to unveil your beach bod

not yet not yet you gotta get jacked first yeah so your body may look like shit but your pubes don't have to

because manscaped manscaped.

Manscaped.

Manscaped.

Manscaped.

They sent us products that if you watched a prior episode, you would have seen on the show.

We did an unboxing.

Fantastic product.

And then I didn't think about it.

Afterwards, Ginsburg said, Hey, can I just have this stuff?

And I said, Yeah, of course.

And so now he's using it at home.

He's got a big bush.

Yeah, so we don't.

No, no longer, though.

Which means that's a testament to Ginsburg.

You like that shit?

He said it's incredible.

He says it's incredible.

So they have a couple of products.

Okay, Manscaped is here to ensure your body is ready for the wild with their game-changing full-body grooming.

You know, because

I don't like the way it looks when I'm reading off my phone.

Can we switch to camera one?

And then I'll read it to you and you repeat it to the camera.

So look in the camera.

Summer's coming.

Are you ready to unveil your beach bod?

Summer's coming.

Are you ready to sell it?

Summer is coming.

Are you ready to unveil your beach bot?

Manscaped is here to ensure your body is ready for the wild with their game-changing, full-body grooming and hygiene products.

Manscaped is here to ensure that your body is ready for the wild with their game-changing, full-body grooming, and something.

What was it?

What was it?

That was close.

Dude, that was good.

I got far.

Yeah.

Hygiene products.

Grooming and hygiene products.

Don't be the guy at the beach with Austin Powers chest hair.

And if you grew some winter man mitts, the least you can do is make sure they're hairless.

Don't be the guy at the beach with Austin Powers chest hair.

and if you grew some winter man mitts,

make sure what?

The least you can do is make sure you can do is what?

Make sure they're hairless.

Make sure they're hairless.

I'm sorry, it's winter man tits.

Man tits.

Yeah,

I don't know if we want to say that.

That's fucking, that should not be in the

they're like an edgy company.

I know, but

that's a little too spicy for this show even.

Tits.

If you're a man with tits or a woman with tit, whatever.

Whatever you want.

Let's stay away from tits.

Do whatever the fuck you want with your tits.

You don't,

I don't know.

We'll edit it out.

Yeah.

It's time to get ready for hot guy summer by going to manscape.com

for 20% off plus free shipping with the code TAFS.

Okay.

Oh, it's time to go to manscape.com for hot guy summer for free shipping with the code TAFS and 20% off.

And 20% off.

That's a fucking great deal.

And so, i

ginsberg

uh when was the last time you used the the the lawn mower

um yeah i took it home and what was it how was it for you the day you took it home

he said smooth and easy smooth and easy

that's a great testimonial folks yeah Adam used the one that picks your boogers for you

no there's one you shove in your nose in your it's a nose hair trimmer oh I have long.

It's disgusting to have hair coming out of your hair.

Yeah, Adam was using that one.

So we watched it.

Yeah, a lot of men use those.

Okay, but do you like it?

Fantastic.

Yeah, so Manscapes Nose Thing, which comes in

the performance package 4.0, Adam.

Say it.

Manscapes Nose Thing, which comes in the Performance Package 4.0.

Which is a kit, right?

Yeah, it comes with the Essential Lawn Mower 4.0.

Say it.

Comes with the Essential Lawnmower 4.0.

Waterproof cordless body trimmer, and a ton of other liquid formulations to round out your grooming routine.

Waterproof...

What is it?

I wasn't listening.

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Okay.

I wasn't really listening.

I'm sorry.

You can even trim an arrow pointing to the promised land if you're bold enough.

You can even trim an arrow pointing to the promised land.

I assume that's your genitalia.

Yeah, what do you do that on your lower back?

I don't have enough hair.

Oh, okay.

I just have a tattoo of an arrow.

Yeah.

And it says the promised land.

It says the promised land.

And there's a speech bubble around it, and there's Samuel L.

Jackson's face.

Yeah.

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Yeah.

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No one likes nose hairs.

So their package also comes with the Weed Whacker 2.0.

That's Adam's favorite.

Yeah.

That's what I put up my nose.

And you also get two free gifts, the Shed Travel Bag,

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Wow.

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Wow.

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Trim your chesticles with the besticles.

I thought chesticles were breasts.

Breasts.

Breasts.

Yeah.

I guess it should be

trim your testicles with the besticles.

But

you could do both.

Yeah, you could do both.

Bear tech.

We live in a brave new world where you could do both.

It's a great company, guys, and we encourage you to put in that promo code TAFS.

Tell them Nick and Adam sent you.

Okay?

They're great.

They stand by their their product.

Great customer service.

We have a testimonial from Adam.

His balls, he used the deodorant.

I mean, they could do everything for that area except for give you a better penis.

Well, I guess if you trim around the base, it looks a little bit better, so they can give you a better penis.

And I like to tape the pubes to the top after.

What do you mean?

Like give me like a toupee.

Oh, like a toupee.

Yeah.

So you use like a like clear tape.

I really I'm done with the penis stuff on on this show.

Yeah and like overt sexuality.

I hate it.

Yeah.

I really hate that shit.

But that's what these guys like.

They probably like different.

They don't know what they like yet.

We got a show though.

We'll find.

We're going to get them on board with whining.

I think they like that.

Yeah.

I think they like that.

Dude, complaining is awesome.

Complaining is cool.

Don't let any don't let Don't let these rich fucks take complaining away from you

and whining and pitching and moaning.

Why is it, why are they allowed to, but not us?

The people.

We the people.

Just fucking do it.

Just be a bitch.

Just constantly complaining.

Just say, do you know who my father is?

Not even that type of complaint.

I mean, like, the real,

like, oh, great, it's fucking raining.

And saying that to people

while they're all,

everybody's outside.

Everybody's being rained on.

Just my fucking luck.

It's raining.

This always happens to me.

Just in a crowded room.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just in the towers, morning of September 11th.

Oh, great.

9-11.

Just my luck.

People are screaming and calling their family.

I knew this would happen.

I better not find out someone ate my lunch in the break room.

Yeah.

Terry, this is all your fault.

Yeah.

Who's Terry?

You know, another lady at the the office.

Terry Shiva.

Yeah, it's Terry Shiva.

She's like, she doesn't say anything, because she's Terry Shiva.

It's a shame she wasn't in the building.

It was sort of two birds, one stone situation.

Yeah, I guess.

I wasn't knowing it.

I was nodding it.

It would have been great if Terry Shaivo

died in 9-11.

Let's look up Terry Shaivo.

What do you mean?

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

I'm eager to

accomplish what we want to accomplish for the rest of today.

Yeah.

And I'm eager for

this weekend and next week.

This is crazy.

When you search Terry Shiva, what comes up is Terry Shivo, insurance broker.

That's good.

I like that.

We should remember her as how she lived.

We shouldn't remember her at the end like that.

Oh, her real name was Schindler.

Did you know that?

Why'd she change it?

I think she got married.

To a guy with a very similar setting last name?

Yeah,

Teresa Marie Schindler.

That was

her name at birth.

Yeah.

Huh.

If I was a doctor in that wing, I'd be like, okay, time to take a look at Schindler's list.

Yeah, that would have been funny.

Yep, you're in a coma.

Yeah, yeah.

Guys, you see, I'm about to do my Schindler's List joke.

Guys, you gotta get in here.

Yeah.

Nurse, get in here.

It's weird that they call it a vegetative safe.

Yeah, like, I always think vegetails.

Yeah, they should call them dead meat.

That's what they are.

Right?

Like, if you see somebody fucking.

They're not dead.

I know.

Yeah, why vegetative?

Like a.

It doesn't make sense

Any good shit on Terry

She was in a motorcycle accident is that what happened

No, she had a heart attack if I remember correctly from being uh bulimic really

that's sad

Poor Terry those were my first stand-up jokes What was it?

Because she got she had a heart attack from being bulimic and she wound up and it was when the the feeding tube was taken out.

Oh, that's what she would have wanted?

No, well, I said at least she died doing what she loves, starving herself for attention.

And then we get a big goose egg at the open mics.

Be like, ooh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd be a kid.

Because people didn't know about the bulimia thing.

Yeah, it's like a fact that's not widely known.

It's like, it satisfies you, but like, you had no concept of an audience.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Those are the best jokes.

Yeah.

Just the ones to entertain oneself.

Yeah, and her husband wanted to kill her or something, and her family didn't?

Yeah, he wanted to remove her feeding tube, and then it was a fight between the husband and the family.

And the husband won, right?

Public opinion and activism.

Yeah.

Did he get

he just uh I mean it w he would be a dick if he divorced her in the vegetative s uh state.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

People people wouldn't take too kindly of that.

Oh, wait, no, it was the husband versus Congress.

Was it what?

The state of Florida?

And then, no, I think it was in Pennsylvania.

I thought it was in Florida.

It's crazy.

That story always shocked me that it was such a big deal because it's like, isn't this, how is this situation different than every other

person?

Every other person in a coma.

Well, she wasn't in a coma.

She was just, she was like, like, wasn't she?

Or was she in a coma?

I think she was, she was like completely

like yeah but they said like oh her eyes are like you could tell she's there and then the doctors are like no she has no brain activity yeah yeah

um

yeah

14 appeals let me just do yeah so

um

a woman in an irreversible persistent vegetative state what does that mean

I don't think it's a coma.

Post-coma unresponsiveness.

So she came out of a coma, but she was she was vegetative.

And patients with severe brain damage are in a state of partial arousal rather than true awareness.

So it's just a guy with like a heart on a half chub.

He's just being inside.

They're like, whoa, look at that.

You see that eggplant there?

They call that a vegetative state.

Yeah, that's why they call it that.

That's weird.

They shouldn't call it arousal.

You see somebody all fucked that.

I'd be like, that's a horny vegetable right there.

It's still horny.

That's a big old horny piece of broccoli.

Who stepped in?

That was during Clinton, Terry Shaiba?

Bush.

It was drinking Bush.

Yeah, Clinton and Bush.

98 to 2005.

Clinton was Eleon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you remember that picture?

Clinton's like, we're going to try to save Terry because I'm going to...

I'm going to go in there and I'm going to eat her pussy.

I heard she's partially aroused.

I'm going to try and get her to suck my dick.

Terry is a beautiful woman.

Terry can suck my dick.

Well, didn't work.

I'm sorry, folks.

Guys,

she seems to be in a vegetative state.

Can you imagine if that's what he was impeached for?

I think it would be case closed.

Yeah, that would have been a lot funnier.

I think it would be case closed.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember at the time, like, everyone was like, it's his private life and stuff.

But as an adult, I didn't really think.

I kind of, it dawned on me eventually that it was the girl was 19.

Who?

Monica.

Oh, was she?

I thought she was like 23.

Oh, was she younger than that?

Was she older than that?

Let's see.

Monica Lewinsky.

She was really young.

I know it's legal, but.

Yeah, she's only 49 now.

Yeah, she's young.

Then that was, what, 98?

30 years ago, she would have been

19.

19.

So that would be 1993.

Yeah.

He was sticking the cigars up on a 19-year-old girl's pussy.

He stuck it in her pussy?

I think so.

That was like the

cigar.

He farted on her tiths and then spit into her ass.

I think the fart.

He was smoking a cigar and then he farted into her mouth.

Oh, so they didn't really hook up.

And then, well, he was turned around.

I thought he did one of these sexual things.

He was wearing a clown costume.

Was he?

He was smoking a cigar and he kept farting into her pussy.

That's just a,

and then she was queefing it into the phone they used to launch the nukes.

That's just irresponsible.

It's not professional.

NORAD.

Is this a woman's pussy hand?

It's NORAD Command.

Guys, it's a...

Sure, I think it's a queef.

What does this mean?

I think it's a 19-year-old queef.

Mr.

President?

It kind of sounds like a fart.

God damn it, Michael.

That's a fart.

Somebody farted into that woman's pussy and then she queefed it out.

I'm sorry, there's nothing in the book for that.

Here's the sections on farts, and here's a section on queef.

What do we do?

I think we have to nuke Israel.

That's the code for nuke Israel.

My bad.

I did not mean.

Oh my god, I forgot it was that phone.

I did not mean to nuke Israel.

I did not mean to fart into Israel.

I solely farted into her pussy, and she made the decision to queef the fart back into the NORAD phone.

Yeah.

And I couldn't stop her because I was wearing giant clown shoes.

And I had an exploding cigar hanging out of my foreskin.

See, that guy was a jokes, sir.

That guy was a real prank.

Hillary walking in on that?

Him just with the big clown shoes on.

His pants pulled down, just farting in in the reverse.

Uh-oh, did I do that?

What the hell, Bill?

Bill, Bill,

Bill.

We gotta make a sick Donald Trump find out he farted into a pussy.

Everybody knows it knows.

Everybody knows it.

Everybody knows people are saying it.

It's just disgusting.

You all saw the video.

We saw it.

Yeah, scandal.

1997.

97.

She's 49 now?

Yeah.

Just look at that, dude.

That's a woman.

That's not 19.

That's stylish.

Can you fart in my pussy?

Mr.

President, can you fart in my pussy?

No, we're pro-Monica.

Honk honk.

We want her on the show.

We want her on the talk show.

Here comes Clown Bill.

This is a satire.

We're doing satire.

Can you fart in my pussy?

You sack your dick and then you can fart in my Pixie.

And I cleave it on my.

And then can I cleave onto the NORAD phone?

The red phone just shoving up.

Put this in there.

Just jamming the NORAD.

Share.

I want you to, I'm going to finger you until you squirt on this oil painting of Thomas Jefferson.

Yeah, it's so disrespectful to the office to wear a a clown costume like that.

I can't believe that guy.

Ken Starr really fumbled the bag on that one.

He's just got, he's on one side of the Oval Office.

He's got like a tiny bicycle.

He puts his penis over the handlebars and he rides it into her bussy.

Okay, here I come.

Mr.

President, I think you're going to want to see this.

It's a rubber chicken.

Good.

Thank you.

Thanks for the chicken.

Monica, Monica.

You got something else to shove in your pussy?

You know, I think it's disgusting, but you can't.

It is funny.

It is pretty funny.

It's a good bit, but the president shouldn't be acting that way.

Yeah.

Monica.

Yeah, in 1997, Lewinsky started secretly recording her conversations between her and Bill Clinton.

We got to get those tapes.

Wait, I didn't think it was like that.

I thought Linda Tripp recorded talk on the phone with Lincoln.

Lewinsky told coworker Linda Tripp about her relationship with Clinton, and Tripp became secretly recording their television.

Oh, between her and Lewinsky.

Yeah, Linda Tripp was recording Monica.

Yeah.

The president for it, my ass.

Lewinsky submitted an affidavit in the Paula Jones case in January 1998 denying any physical relationship with Clinton

and she attempted to persuade Tripp to lie under oath in that case.

Yeah, but Linda was not about that.

Linda was trying to play her hate.

Yeah.

She kind of looks like a clown.

Linda Tripp?

Yeah.

She's one of the worst-looking people ever.

Yeah.

This is so funny.

This is the photo they use of her on Wikipedia.

Yeah.

Yeah, who would play?

Did Chris Farley play her on SNL?

I don't remember actually.

That was like, I was too young for like I was.

He must have been dead by then.

He died in 96.

He's probably dead.

Yeah.

He died in 97, I think.

Yeah.

Ooh, I just somehow burped up dumplings from like three days ago.

What's wrong with your body?

I don't know.

You didn't digest it yet?

I don't think so.

You're like a bear in hibernation or something?

Yeah.

Um,

yeah.

What were we saying?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Probably some cool wait, so how old was she in 97?

Well, if in 93 she was, what,

19.

That's when it was happening?

No, we were doing the math.

She's 49 now.

So in 93 she was 19.

It happened in 97.

She was 23.

She was 23.

Yeah, I don't think a 19-year-old could be a white man.

Alright, so I was wrong.

I I

well, no, they let they let young.

In March 1999, Barbara Walters interviewed Lewinsky on 2020.

Now, the president fodded in your pussy as well.

Did the president fought?

Later, Monica showed me the way in which Bill fodded into a pussy.

They're just like walking.

She's like, yeah, yeah.

They're walking.

She's explaining.

Yeah, she's like, so.

Later, Monica showed me just exactly how the president fodded directly into her pussy.

And he was wearing a clown costume, Berber Walters.

And he was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But what exactly could a clown be wearing where he could remove his pants and fart directly into a woman's pussy?

Is what many skeptics are asking.

Because clowns often wear a jumpsuit.

It's true.

But we went through the White House records and then just stock images of documents.

And it turns out Bill Clinton purchased both the top and bottom to a clown suit with taxpayer money

and then a book from the clown store called How to Fawn Into a Woman's Boosie

while dressed as a clown.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's enough evidence for me.

Yeah, Miss Magazine published a series of articles by writer Susan Jane Gilman, the sexologist Susie Bright, and also

sexologist.

I don't know.

That was the thing that old women used to be able to do, like Dr.

Ruth.

Yeah, like an old, nasty old nigga who's like, I know everything about fighting.

You have to fart in a pussy.

The female orgasm.

Yeah.

It's created when you fart in the pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, the other detail I remember is that he came on her dress and she had to go to the dry cleaner.

Wow, Dr.

Ruth is still alive.

She is?

Yeah.

How old is that lady?

Oh, wow.

She was she was in the Holocaust.

Did you know that?

No.

It says that on here.

And then she devoted her life to fucking.

That's a good lady.

Yeah.

You know,

they live a long-ass time, the survivors, which kind of makes sense because they got through that shit.

Yeah, I mean, you know,

crass, but like weeds out the.

Yeah, the wheat.

Yeah, right.

If they could survive that, then they're like...

Yeah, a lot of them

got over 90, 100.

Yeah.

Dr.

Ruth was in the Holocaust?

That's what it says.

That's insane.

Her father was taken away to Dachau a week after Kristallnacht.

Yeah, during Kristallnacht, the Nazis destroyed her father's dildo shop.

Oh, so it was a family thing?

It was a family business.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So her dad in in Germany sold dildos and wooden

glass.

I mean yeah glass dildos.

Oh he's a glass like a maker.

Yeah.

Glass smith.

Yeah.

We used to have trades back in the day.

Yeah that's crazy.

She's 95 years old.

I'm trying to find out what like her actual degree is here.

That's excellent.

Only one on the phone at a time.

Sorry, I was looking it up, too.

No, I'm looking it up.

Don't worry.

Yeah, she received a doctor of education degree, so she's a teacher.

Oh, sex therapist.

Working under sex therapist.

Can you imagine going to sex therapy?

Yeah.

I can't imagine it.

That's like...

Oh, I have to go see a shitting therapist.

Yeah.

So I can make sure that I'm enjoying shitting as much as possible.

Yeah, the joy of shitting.

Yeah.

Do couples go to a sex therapist?

I don't know what they do.

It's just like a nasty aunt.

I feel like couples therapy, they should just call that hospice care.

Couples therapy?

It's just, yeah.

It's like, has it ever worked?

No.

Never.

In fact, I've

worse?

You get a tat.

I've known so many people to get the person's name tattooed.

The way to say relatively less than a month.

Yeah.

Like, literally, I know like five or six people who have done that, less than a month is over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it's a good telltale side.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would never get a tattoo.

Yeah.

Now, buying your girlfriend Funko Pops, that'll last forever.

That'll keep her around.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got you a Princess Leia Funko Pop.

Yeah.

I passed by the Spencer's gifts and I thought of you.

Yeah.

And guess what I got for later?

Clown costume from Spirit Halloween.

The cigar and oh my god.

yeah, yeah, uh, uh, beer ball, one of those beer funnel tubes.

She's like, What's this for?

It's for farting it, he's like, So I can fart into your pussy, like you queef it out your ass, yeah, yeah.

And then he's like, on in the bed, and she's okay, you got the tube in your pussy?

He's got it on his ass, and he's like, Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

She's like, What is it?

And he's like, Pull the tube out, pull the tube out.

He's like, What?

He's like, I sharded by accident.

Oh,

yeah, that'll happen.

it's always when you don't want it to happen yeah oh I accidentally sharded in the

tube jammed into your she sees you with a clown outfit in the funnel like coming home from work and she texts her girls she's like oh my god he's gonna do it tonight yeah the kids are with grandma we're I guess she's getting their pussy fucking farted in by a clown tonight

Finally, he's gonna do it.

I feel like the president.

I feel like the queen.

I feel like the president.

I feel like a princess.

We're going to role play.

Tonight I'm going to be Bill Clinton.

You're going to be Monica.

I'm going to be Clown Bill Clinton.

And you're going to be Monica.

Monica horrific yeast infection Lewinsky.

Come on, dude.

She was just 14.

No, after your pussy gets sharded in.

Allegedly.

It's never been proven.

That'd be a good name for a James Bond villain.

Pussy Sharder.

Pussy Shard.

Well, pussy sharter.

No, it's for like a bad girl.

It's like the first girl he fucks that turns on him.

Pussy shard.

Oh, what's your name?

My name is Yeast Infection.

My name is Yeasty Infection.

It smells like an auntie Anzen here.

What the hell is that?

What the fuck is that smell?

Oh, sour soul.

Ah, so you've been spending time with the president.

James.

We have a terrible case.

The president of the United States is accidentally shat into the

pussy of an international of Spectre's granddaughter.

Oh, no.

And now to get revenge, he's going to cancel him.

Yeah.

On Twitter.

Yeah.

Premature ejaculations.

shit, one at a time.

Wait, Clinton busted early?

No, I'm reading about Dr.

Ruth and what she does.

Oh, what does she say about premature for the guys there?

I don't know, man.

What does she say?

Fucking, I don't know, dude.

God, Keanu?

Yeah.

You know what I do to stop myself from prematurely ejaculating?

What?

I imagine my girlfriend naked.

Yeah.

I don't really like that term premature ejaculation.

I don't like it either.

Shouldn't girls be proud of them?

I like to maturely ejaculate.

Oh, you think it's immature?

Oh, yes.

Oh, pardon me.

No.

And I've finished.

Yeah.

It should be immaturely.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Pardon me, madam.

Any debate again?

It's dead.

God.

Wait, let's finish up what we have to do today.

What?

All the stuff we have to do.

Yeah, let's do it.

Gizmur, we good?

Yeah, we're good.

Alright, bye.

Okay, thanks, guys.

Thanks, guys.

See Nick in San Diego this weekend.

San Diego.

It'll be a hoot.

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