The Adam Friedland Show Podcast – Episode 7

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Hello, and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

I'm joined here.

Just talk for a second.

What?

Just talk for a second.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.

I'm Adam Friedland, your host.

I'm sitting next to Nick Mullen, my friend of 12 years and my colleague, business partner.

12 years a friend.

Yeah.

Well, to me, it felt like at times a slave

okay just keep talking okay what's going on I'm checking just I'm doing

oh sorry sorry sorry I mean we we could have started after I just start no it's apologies

okay I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

folks next weekend Nick will be in San Diego California at the Comedy Co.

is that right yeah

at the American Comedy Company.

Yeah, Thursday through Sunday.

And then this weekend, I will be in Irvine, California, not far from San Diego, at the Irvine Improv Thursday through Sunday, the 8th through the 10th.

Come on out.

It's going to be great.

I'm sure it will.

You think so?

I'm sure it will.

I'm sure your shows will be great too.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's just, you know.

I mean, there was no weekend.

This one is rescheduled.

Well, I guess that gives me time to do this.

But we have to update the review of the

Black Magic camera.

This one won't turn off now.

Who are you blaming?

What?

I like that my policy is I don't touch wires or buttons because I probably would have broken it at this point.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I guess we need something more durable.

Probably.

Uh-huh.

Some kind of.

Does that company that makes Toughbook, those laptops, do they make cameras?

For like

Toughbook?

Otter Box?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do they make a...

The classic Adam Bit saying a thing in a way.

People say things, Nick.

Saying things in such a way.

What do you mean in such a way?

Panzones pizza.

Oh my god.

I ran out of shirts.

I bought it in Portland.

Is that the place?

Panzones?

I didn't...

No, it was in a thrift

store.

I was looking through through for

pizza places last night on Seamless, and there's a place called Pinis Laugh for Shadow.

Pizza.

Have you seen that?

No.

Did you try it?

No.

I've never tried Pina Pizza.

Maybe that's the big sausage pizza place.

You finally found it.

Maybe it is.

What's going on with you?

Me?

Yeah, you got like a personal crisis going on?

Yeah.

What's up?

A lot.

Just go ahead.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me.

I don't really want to divulge specifically.

No, just go ahead.

It was all really capped off with uh what happened to my dog and thinking i was going to lose my dog shout out to the girl who lives in bethlehem connecticut and i guess knew who my dog was and uh saw it on the town facebook page and looked for my dog i really appreciate that there's good in the world um they got this this tucking controversy at at uh

target there's just going on i think that that that they're like i'm just saying it feels like people are are at odds with one another and I went to Target the other day because I was like, am I, is there something going on at Target that I'm not aware of?

You know?

And.

Is there something I'm not aware of?

Like,

is the Pride display different than it's normally been?

You know, this is New York.

They're not hiding anything here.

Yeah.

And

it seems like the same as it's ever been like targets always had they've always done that pride and then mannequins of some big gals too i remember when that was new yeah i said it on the show and that dropped i remember i said it on the show before but if if if like if i had if i didn't have the internet and i went into target i remember because target had the fat mannequins before anybody else did they were at the forefront of that yeah and if i had gone in there not knowing anything happening on the internet i would have seen that and been like i mean that's fucking

funny, but that's mean.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'd be like, that's, come on.

That's fucking mean.

Right.

You know?

Because you didn't realize it could be.

Well, to me, outside of the context of like the cultural criticism or the body sizes, any of that, the goddess is a place where we have fat mannequins.

If I see that,

that somebody like and I remember I was like, even when I was like 17 or 18, trying to, before there was any kind of fat acceptance movement,

I remember being like, yeah, it's weird that you can be

like, you can't be racist, but you're allowed to just shit all over fat people.

They're kind of like the Jews of body size.

Yeah, I guess.

There's a lot of fat Jews, too.

The fat Jewish.

The meme aggregator.

That guy.

Yeah, that guy.

We've ever seen that guy.

He's around.

Is he?

I just see him walking down the street.

Yeah.

He has a ridiculous haircut.

Anyways,

you ever think like Subway Jared was like, look, I can't be a fat Jewish pedophile.

He's like,

I got to drop one.

And he lost the weight.

And he's like, it would have been nice if he dropped the Jewish.

Yeah.

It would be even better a story about a big fat guy.

Or maybe Subway Jared's story, he was always regular size.

And he was like, I started going to Subway instead of jacking off the child pornography.

Yeah, it saved him.

Yeah.

And then he's in all the commercials because he's like, this was me.

And it's him surrounded by like old computers.

And he's just covered in like cum cum and like my little pony stuff.

We should celebrate.

And then he's like, But instead of jacking off the child pornography, I started walking the subway every day.

You're like, hi, Jared.

I'm even allowed near the elementary school again.

They took me off the list.

The list is mean.

And then he gets canceled because we find out that they've been hiding from the public that he's gained 400 pounds.

Subway Jared arrested for gaining 400 pounds.

And that's how you know.

Yeah.

But

that's kind of a claim that you can never believe.

what I stopped looking at child pornography.

Why?

Because like it's a Shane Vader said it.

We believed them

They them really?

Yeah, that was they're back out there.

They're back out on these streets.

No, cuz when when they got canceled

she whatever the fuck.

I don't know.

That was the funniest thing.

Yeah, they got canceled our main trans advocate on on Twitter

got canceled and uh yeah, what they said was that they weren't a pedophile.

They just liked posting child pornography and

chats to bother people.

Oh, as a troll.

As a troll.

Oh,

that's a step too far.

Even the Joker.

The Joker would not.

Even Adolf Hitler.

Yeah.

They'd be like, that's classless.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It really is the worst thing you can do.

What?

Look at child pornography.

Fuck a kid.

Jack off the kids.

Yeah, there's got to be something worse, I think.

But it's like an illness of their brains.

I think, how about maybe pushing a guy with Down syndrome into a volcano?

But that's not a lovely child.

Yeah, but luring him up there, being like, we got.

It's pretty bad.

Yeah, it's going to be awesome.

We're going to Disneyland.

Oh, like, like, planting bait?

Where's Mickey?

Like, doing like a Hansel and Gretel, like, no, this is Magic Mountain.

We're almost there.

Just keep going.

Okay.

Yes, I'm really excited.

Because Republicans are just

Him just sort of falling in.

Then the steam.

And people are like, what have you done?

I just got really sad thinking about that.

Well, at least I didn't jack off the child pornography.

They're going to be like, this is worse.

People will be like, what do you mean?

At least I didn't jack off the child.

I'm just saying, in terms of a cohort in society, that's the worst kind of person you can be.

The pedophile?

I don't think that there's like a group of volcano pushers,

pushers of mentally handicapped handicapped people.

What I think, I'm more progressive than anybody, I think is,

you know, and I don't really know the state of it, but if they are doing reassignment surgery on children, just give the penises to pedophiles instead of putting them in the garbage.

The leftover.

Yeah.

Well, in the Jewish religion, you have to bury it, actually.

They could just have a little coin purse that they open up, and there's a little penis in there.

And it just makes them smile.

Yeah, and they look at it on the bus, and then they put it in and zip it back up.

And then someone's like, where did you get that?

And And he's like, From the hospital.

Yeah.

From the government, from the government.

From behind the hospital.

And you can't get mad at me because it was in the garbage.

Oh, he's like a raccoon.

He was like searching for it.

Well, they would have to do it.

I feel like one man's trash is another man's trash.

As a matter of policy, if that is going to help.

There's not a more apt use of that expression than

giving children's penises the pedophiles.

I don't know what it is.

It is a treasure.

I think that's a good idea.

It is a treasure to them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It would be really sweet.

Did you ever see that Louis Theroux, like the

like the people on the sex offender registry, like the living in that group house in LA?

You see that one?

Mm-hmm.

That like old sweet man that just couldn't stop jacking off in front of ladies.

He was like, he gave this like impassioned speech where he was like, and

and I I just looked at my penis and I was just ready to chop it off.

Because like I ha it was the only way that I could conceive of like,

uh you know being normal again yeah and then uh yeah and then over the there was like a Chiron or whatever and it was like uh two weeks later he was I remember as a kid I saw something that was like

might have even been Jenny Jones it was some like talk show about people that have um

I don't know if you would call it a fetish because there's like there's there's things like

There's certain fetishes where it's like so removed from sexuality at all.

Like a giant woman.

Yeah, like a giant woman.

A lot of the DeviantR stuff, you know,

like

You know, people that jack off the cartoon characters feet, but it's like, do they even jack off to it?

It's like, here's me going, they draw pictures, they draw childish pictures themselves, and it's like, it's, it's, uh, and it'll be on a holiday.

Like, it's a Chris, it's Christmas.

So here's a picture of me getting milkshakes at the diner with Mario's feet.

You know, and it's like,

well, you're saying that they found a community?

No, I'm saying you're not even

slowly close to listening to what I'm saying.

You're saying that there are people that have fetishes that couldn't exist in the material world.

No.

No?

No.

It's not even clear.

All right, sorry.

I cut you off.

I'm sorry.

You're saying your own thing.

I'm just having a bad week, man.

Then talk about it.

I'm not going to talk about it.

Don't make me fish for a bit.

No, no, no.

Continue.

Continue.

Continue.

Talk about the fetish things.

We could do a lot with that.

Well, the point isn't that

it's at what point this, where is the distinction between fetish and just bizarre obsession?

You know, like if there's no sexual element.

Maybe I'm just being like pedantic, but.

Well, isn't that the distinction that it makes you come?

No, because there's a gray area in between.

Like I'm saying, with these drawings, it's like I don't think these guys, you know, it's like they don't jack off to it.

It's like...

He just sits around drawing himself going on dates with Mario's feet.

And then they go play laser tag or something.

Yeah.

It's like, I don't believe that guy's beating off but if an observer would read it as necessarily kind of sexual because what else would it be?

Someone trying to escape the real world and imagine his best friends with Mario's feet.

In such a particular bizarre way, you know?

Yeah.

And

I'm sorry I was going to mention something else, but

I did really.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Because there was something else I wanted to say because this might just be, I was going to call it a fetish, but it's probably not.

It's probably just a bizarre sex.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

No, watching like talk shows.

Oh, Jenny Jones.

Yeah, it might have been Jenny Jones.

I don't think it was, though.

It was some, maybe like a primetime special or something about people that were obsessed with, like, they had to have a limb amputated.

They felt that they had a limb missing.

And then they like sort of did like a semi-reenactment, you know, like dramatic reenactment of this guy that cut off his own fucking leg above the knee.

knee and uh maybe it was below I don't know I mean this was

30 years ago

and he had a he like just they tied a tourniquet tied his leg real tight until it was like fucking purple and then he just set it up on like a piece of plywood and got a circular saw and just cut through his fucking leg with a circular saw

and then it's like why is this on TV

it's freak show yeah why it's like 600 pound left you know it's a little different than 600 It's a spectacle, no?

It's mental illness.

People like watching freak shows.

It's like a 600-pound mannequin.

I'm going to start.

I'm going to do everything I'm going to get.

Get all the business licenses or whatever and just make the fat.

Just aim for the fat.

Like Howard Hughes.

I'm making the biggest.

It's the fattest mannequin anyone's ever seen.

I'm loving that.

I think we should do a couple like...

To testify in front of Congress.

Now, Mr.

Hughes, these mannequins are too fat, wouldn't you say?

You're like bleeding from scratching yourself because of your obsessive compulsive disorder.

Uh-huh.

That movie is...

America wanted fat mannequins and I delivered it to him.

It'd be cool if we went to China and we tried to like source the suppliers for the fattest mannequins.

I would love to go on a business trip to China.

Well, they should have Guatemalan mannequins too.

Especially human mannequins?

At Kmart.

No, like just the size.

Small.

Small and stocky, you know.

Like 5'4 ⁇ .

Yeah, to wear the like, you know, Spider-Man tie-dye t-shirts.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

Because that is kind of who's

going for the party Spider-Man t-shirt.

Yeah.

And the woman.

You should have like a like apartment complex slut mannequin for like the Cookie Monster pajama pants.

Yeah.

And like a wife beater.

Yeah.

Apartment complex slut.

Is that how you talk about women?

It was kind of a little bit hardcore.

Why'd you have a bad week?

Me?

Yeah.

It was just like a bunch of

crummy things that, you know,

crummy things happen.

My sister got in a bad car accident.

It was really worse.

It was just three weeks ago.

No, it was the beginning of last week.

And then my dog.

And it was the anniversary of my mom's death.

That's something.

That's real.

There's just like a lot of stuff that happened.

You know?

Would you do anything for your mom?

I did like a Jewish prayer, and you light this candle.

Is it a special candle?

Yeah, it's a special candle.

Do you have to go get it, or is it just the holder is special?

You know, menorah is

a candle that lasts 24 hours.

Because you should just put regular candles in it.

It's a candle that lasts 24 hours, so you light it at the beginning of the day, and then it's supposed to last all day.

Did it?

I didn't really track it.

You didn't?

You just gave up.

You lit the candle and you said that's enough.

It's not about the candle.

It's that it would make her...

It would make her happy that I said the the spell.

And how would she feel if she knew that you just didn't even you went out and you special.

That's not the woman she was.

The special candle.

No, she would be like you did even be bothered.

You did the spell.

You're such a good boy.

You can't even be bothered to see if it lasts 24 hours.

No, she was like, you did this spell.

You're such a good boy.

I'm so proud of you.

I love it.

It sounds like she made too many excuses for you.

No, she didn't.

No, she didn't.

The whole point of the thing.

That was pure love.

The whole point of it.

That was pure love.

The whole point of the thing is a 24-hour candle.

No, that's not the whole point.

The whole point is remembering remembering your loved one.

For what, 15 minutes?

I just mentioned it.

And then it's the candle's job.

I mentioned the gear to you.

Yeah, it is the candle's job.

You're transverse in the candle.

What's the gear?

The gear is the candle.

You're fixating on the gear.

It's the spiritual.

It's the Richard gear.

Yeah.

It's spelled the same way?

Yes.

Yeah, so there was that.

So can you put the candle in your ass and it'll burn?

Yes.

Yeah.

And my mom would have been touched by that.

You know, it's like they create a little bedroom scene for the gerbil you have in there.

Do gay guys really do that?

No, it's something that people made up about Richard Gere.

I thought that's a gay thing.

I think that's the reason he had to convert to Buddhism.

I think that rumor to beat the gerbil ass out

destroyed him.

I think like he thought he was the coolest guy in the world.

To start a rumor that good that like you literally are it's chasing you the rest of your life.

And it was it was the brother of the cookie monster pajamas girl.

It was some guy in fucking Ohio that was like, yeah, that guy fucking shoves gerbils in his ass just a fucking liar a guy drinking rockstar energy drink right just an absolute liar yeah pre-rockstar energy the big gulp era the hell yeah big gulp filled with absolutely miller like absolutely yeah gray area sexual assault yeah yeah classic ohio that's who started that's who started the uh yeah that was that i told that was that thing i used to say about my dad telling me about catherine the great uh-huh about how that was a rumor that's still around it was just started by some french gay guys who were like, oh, is it?

I heard that beach of fucking horse.

That's a great rumor.

Is this year different than other years?

How many years has it been?

Three years.

Three years.

Oh, that's more recent than I thought.

I guess with the pandemic, it's...

It was just hard because, like,

you know, my sister got in that car accident.

It was just like a hard week.

And, you know,

I just love my family.

It's just...

Sure.

It's sad.

It'll always, like, it'll always be painful.

In what way has it changed, though?

Is it a different...

I think the shock of someone not being there, you can deal with.

Like, you can adjust to that.

Like, three seats instead of four.

And I think it's kind of a nice thing, but the pain just...

What do you mean it's a nice thing?

It's almost a nice thing that you're not about...

You don't have to heal from the pain.

That experience just becomes part of who you are and you understand life in a different way.

So it's not a matter of like waiting around to like, oh, I'm going to feel better.

It's just like a, like a, I don't know, maybe I'm.

We're doing this.

We're having deep, deep chats again on the show.

Well, what do you want to talk about?

No, no, I like it.

I like it.

No, I enjoy it.

We don't have to talk about it.

No, no, I'm not criticizing.

It's not deeply personal.

It's not.

You're a very intelligent guy.

I value your...

Now you're patronizing me.

No, I'm not.

I don't know.

Go ahead.

It's just, it's interesting.

I don't know.

It isn't.

It's something that you're never prepared for.

Did you do the candle thing last year?

I think I skipped last year.

I did the first year.

And did you skip it because it's like, I can't deal with it.

No, it was just like sad that my sister was like very,

it was very like a, you know, a matter of like a foot and a half from her like,

you know.

What?

She was like going through an intersection.

She was going through an intersection and she got T-bone.

No, I'm at.

Oh, so

I was kind of just like, you know, like...

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so it wasn't like you couldn't bring yourself to do it last year.

No, it was just like thinking about your family and appreciating them

and just like, you know, feeling fortunate that we all have each other, you know.

Yeah.

I don't know.

She would be proud of me if

she saw me doing the little spell, she would be proud.

The spell?

Yeah.

Do you think she would be proud of the show?

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

She was always trying to make me.

Well, folks, it looks like my work here is done.

No, that's not true.

But no, she was always.

Good luck to you.

Good luck to you.

She had no friend.

She couldn't process comedy

uh like in terms of bits like she does she just like didn't listen but she was always like why don't you wear like

it's certainly one trait

you inherited what i get for my mom is my inability to listen to people or understand bits

no she just

okay She wouldn't listen to any of the words on the show if she watched it, but she would see that I was wearing a suit and it would make her very happy.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She'd be like, you look like a nice boy.

That's kind of everybody's parents.

Everybody, it's so sweet.

I mean, not everybody's parents.

Yeah.

A lot of people are like doctors that save lives.

If you're a comedian and you find success, your parents have to be like, yeah, I saw that you're

seems like things are going well for me.

I can't.

That new Epstein chunk is

right, yeah.

Everything you're going to say.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's a video of you trying to suck your own dick that has two million people.

What a reference.

Yeah, it is like it's like

I saw that video.

Who's that?

That got that big fella, Bobby Kelly?

Is that his name?

And he's got a dildo going through his zipper in his pants and you're sucking the dildo like it's his cock.

Yeah.

I heard you sucked Lewis J.

Gomez.

Yeah, you know, I'm really not, I'm kind of out of touch, but it seems like things are going well for you.

I think it's...

I like think back to like when I told my parents I wanted to be a clown, and it really makes me cringe.

When you told them that?

Yeah, they were like absolutely right.

They were like, just go to law school and like we're like an immigrant family.

Just do something

secure.

To be fair, you would have been the worst lawyer of all time.

I would have been so bad.

You would perjure yourself constantly.

No, no, no.

I think I would litigate because I would have been into the theater of it.

But if I was doing like contracting...

I'm not really bad at it.

I'm so sloppy.

You'd be sitting there in jury selection, leaning over to your client and being like, I think they want to have sex with me.

No, I would have, no, I would be like fucking Johnny Cochrane, razzle-dazzle.

You're like, no way you're going to be like, these guys are love, they're going to love me, dude.

And then you're just bomb, and then somebody would get the death penalty.

That's not true, dude.

And forgetting the return library.

I do like a razzle dazzle Johnny Cochrane kind of thing.

No.

I'd do like a black church kind of like rhymes and like, the glove don't fit, you must acquit.

So sick.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You don't think so?

No chance.

Why?

I don't think you can do anything other than this.

No, because I understand a jury of my peers.

They're not watching for the laws.

They're watching for the show.

You don't understand anybody.

That's what makes you particularly suitable.

I think you're projecting.

I think you're projecting.

No, it's I.

I love people.

What do you mean?

I understand people, for sure.

No, a good interviewer doesn't understand people.

That's not true.

Joe Rogan is the biggest empath in America.

A good interviewer is somebody that goes, they take a specific thing and they ask a specific question.

But what what the

general question is, is explain basic human emotions to me.

And then somebody does it in a seemingly specific way.

That's what Charlie Rose was doing?

Yes.

Yeah.

That's what Ed Bradley did.

Now, when you were writing a book, what did it feel like

to write a book?

I mean, it's like.

You're not wrong.

Yeah.

You're not wrong.

I never saw it that way.

That's why AI is going to take over.

I just saw it as schmooze.

Every human interaction is entirely formulaic.

Everything is already written.

It's over.

No, not us.

What?

Not us, dude.

We're one of a kind.

No.

You can easily replace us with AI.

Not us.

You just have to make the AI slower.

That's the only problem.

ChatGPT types too fast.

If ChatGPT

could respond and take a break every three seconds and cough or pick its nose, you're done, pal.

I'm not done, dude.

I'm sorry.

You said it previously that there's there's no way that it could mimic my intrinsic mediocre

affect.

Yeah.

Yeah, you have to be aiming for a different kind of mediocrity.

How could a computer mimic that?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I don't know.

Impossible.

Yeah.

How could a computer mimic the mold dog?

Pretty easily.

No, I don't think so.

No, I have a pretty formulaic approach to everything.

You know what?

A computer could mimic the Come Town podcast?

Yeah.

Like the mashup characters.

Well, even the setup of the show.

I mean, everything is.

That's the other thing, too, is everything is just, well, whatever.

Go ahead.

No, I don't have a point I want to make.

I don't care.

I'm just fishing for some kind of conversation.

But am I not obliging?

No, it's nothing.

It has nothing to do with you.

It's like I have nothing to say on the issue.

So they found aliens yesterday?

I saw that.

And you know what's funny?

I was going through the, those, flipping through the channels last night, and I wanted to hear about the aliens, just because it's comforting.

It's nice.

Yeah, it's the type of news for, like, that, you know, and it is, people say it's a distraction, but it's more like a, it's an effective distraction.

Distract me with that.

I don't give a fuck.

I think people need it bad.

Right, exactly.

I think society needs that bad.

Yeah, right.

And I saw Cuomo.

The News Nation show and I'm like, well, he's probably talking about the aliens.

That's our boy.

I put it on.

It's like I hit in the the show had already started, and I turn it on, and as I turn it on, he's sitting there, and he goes, aliens.

Did he crush it?

Yeah, his show is like

the new show is folks.

We love it.

Dude, I'll be honest with you, I didn't really watch because I didn't get cable until the pandemic.

And at that point, CNN was just, it's all just COVID bullshit.

I don't care.

You know, like, yeah.

And then nobody's watching full news programs.

So I can't really compare as if I've watched whole episodes of his old CNN show.

The new show is much better.

Well, I was watching it during COVID because I was back home with my parents, and they were just religiously watching.

No, it's just he's like, He's like, Look, if it's nothing, tell us, stop not telling us whether there's aliens or not.

He's my best friend, yeah.

He brings a guy on the ground.

I think they should tell us about the aliens.

So sick.

That's what the news should be.

Are there aliens?

Give us the damn answers.

Yeah, yes or no?

Yeah, drop the shit.

Yeah, Isn't Biden like pro like

X-Files like releasing alien shit?

That was like one of his platform points.

Or was it Hillary?

Maybe Hillary was.

One of the two of them were like pro like declassifying Area 51 shit.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't understand the motivation with any of that.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

What does it matter?

Like, is that...

Because, like,

it would make everyone feel awesome.

How many many votes is that going to get you?

I think it's more altruistic.

I think it's more.

Can you imagine being alive in the fucking moon landing 1969?

Well, I'll tell you that.

It would have been so awesome.

This is probably what it is.

Obviously, with January 6th, I mean, you can blame Trump, but a lot of that's like buttressed by this QAnon thing.

And I still don't know what QAnon was, whether it's like just...

an individual or a couple of people having fun and it like grew into this big thing.

The theory is this naval intelligence.

Yeah, or it's yeah, or it's something deliberate by the government, you know?

That makes sense.

Either way, it's like, you know, if you recognize that like the power conspiracy theories now have, especially like when everybody that lived through 9-11 and was young enough to be like susceptible to loose change, you know, is an adult, like conspiracy theories do have like real measurable power.

Right.

So how do you like

take that back and then also take that power back and then also like nullify it and the easiest answer is like you start with the UFO guys UFO guys make Bigfoot real all of these things because like now it's this sort of like bizarro world where you can like

gain credibility by engaging in conspiracy theories so if you have people like in the center on the left or people live in the world of like you know supposed truth or whatever engaging in these things it shows their willingness to ask questions that are inherently absurd.

And by doing that, then maybe, you know, it's like if you can overwrite like QAnon stuff or right-wing conspiracy theories with like a large popular belief in something like aliens or Bigfoot or whatever.

So you're just, you're.

It's like drags noise.

It creates noise.

But what

if human beings found out we're not alone?

That would be awesome.

And if we were alive for it.

That's what I mean.

So it's working on you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Of course.

Yeah.

If I was alive when they landed on the moon, I would have thought that was the coolest shit ever.

I asked my dad, I was like,

do you think the moon landing was fake?

And he like almost started crying.

He was like, if it is fake, it would like really hurt.

Because it was so awesome to be like a fucking kid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that people, like, shit seems really sad.

People seem very lonely.

Yeah.

And there is a professional.

I don't think we don't have effective

liberal conspiracy theories.

It's like they're all directed at Trump, and that didn't really, I mean, aside from like a couple of like theme accounts on Twitter.

Yeah, nobody cares about Russia game.

I mean, a lot of people did.

Now it's a war for conspiracy.

Everyone that watched Maddo did.

It's a private war for like these conspiracies.

If Biden can make himself the UFO guy,

in some people's minds, that adds credibility to him because it's...

I know what you're saying, and you're probably right, but I'm just sick of being so cynical.

I think it would be so cool.

If what aliens were real.

If we've found aliens while we were alive.

But we have cool shit here.

Like what?

Like, whatever's at the fucking bottom of the ocean or what the fuck is an octopus?

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

We already have whatever people are like.

Their brain is their entire body.

It's their entire body.

And you can cut off their arm and their soul.

They're doing fucking like tool laser shows inside of their body at all times.

They're on the real

like pyramids and like fog machines.

Yeah.

And all this shit.

And then all they're doing is like eating crabs.

they're using all of that they evolved all of this stuff i don't buy it that nature would evolve all of these systems so that this thing can be like oh fucking

oysters if a fucking spaceship came down and landed on earth it would be fucking sick yeah but you don't care about octopuses now you can go right now to the aquarium and see i watched the fucking south african guy who the octopus terrorist no the documentary on netflix about the guy that he teaches octopus no he goes swimming every day with an octopus.

What I really do.

He experiences its death.

You want to talk about

media being dead.

What I would love to see is a remake of radio, but instead of a mentally disabled African-American man, it's an octopus.

It's one of those just fucking trippy octopi that has lights and stuff.

And then it's the manager of the team.

The hell is wrong with that boy?

He's just in a tank.

So it ain't right with that boy.

And it just, yeah, it gets one of the footballs.

It kind of slimes onto the field and gets one of the footballs and then all of the jocks start beating it with broomsticks yeah look at this freak and Ed Harris is like leave that boy alone yeah he's like

what's your name son and he's just not talking

no but he he has like telepathy telepathy octopus home and his his mom's like they they say they ain't know they know what's wrong with the boy he just light up a bunch of different colors they say he ain't got no central nervous system

his whole body is a brain So you saying he's as smart as we are?

Well, it ain't like that.

But if you cut off one of his arms, it'll still go find crabs to eat.

You know?

That would be the movie.

That'd be a good movie.

Yeah.

Nick.

They're like,

you're ruining the football team because you're too obsessed with radio.

He's still named Radio.

OctoRadio.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Wait, is he in like a tank that they wheel around?

Or does he exist on like the dry land?

He can breathe.

he can breathe yeah he can breathe air and he walks on all eight i think he's just sort of like gooey kind of

like the way you're easy they're like no

the way you move around we've been doing a lot of body work recently what have you seen a change in me after all of our body work no not at all

what were you gonna say can i have the thing

You watched every episode of Deep Space Nine.

No, I actually haven't.

I've seen maybe two or three seasons.

Okay,

you've watched so much Star Trek.

How sick would it be?

I'm not a Star Trek guy anymore than I'm like a

fucking.

Let me think of another show.

Simpsons.

No, because I'm definitely a Simpsons.

You're more Simpsons.

Absolutely.

That show is very important to me.

But I'm a Star Trek guy to the same extent I'm a,

let's say,

beyond belief fact or fiction guy.

Actually, I've seen more of that show.

It's not possible.

There's thousands of episodes.

I mean, there's hundreds and hundreds of episodes of Star Trek.

There's probably

100 episodes of that show.

No, it was on for like seven seasons.

Was it?

Yeah.

Is that the one with John?

It's with

Commander Rice.

It's just Star Trek.

It's not Josh Brewster.

That's just the Star Trek, dude.

It's not.

That's just Star Trek.

First of all, originally, it was

James Brolin.

That guy's a hot man.

No, not Josh Brolin, James Brolin.

Silver Fox.

Double-A, B, Beep, MCO.

AAAV,

AA, Hawk Hawk, VE.

That's a Streisandsman.

AA, Hawk Hawk Hawk, VE.

And

they do brakes, transmission.

You can do a full car.

What, like, have sex with it?

Yeah.

Tranny.

Mm-hmm.

Tranny.

Do they still say has tranny been canceled in the automotive community?

I have no idea.

Go look at the forums.

Go check the forum.

Go check the Reddits.

No, it's too much work.

I get what you're saying about conspiracy theories, but like

I wouldn't put it on the same level as something that just

life is sad and confusing and conspiracy theories give you you explanations and tie them up with a bow and it makes people feel better

but it's not the same as a fucking alien landing yeah I mean there's an idea

on taps people use fucking uh

conspiracy theories to turn away from like the injustices you're like complicit in either under capitalism or because you live in a country that bombs the shit out of other countries saying oh well it's aliens or the Illuminati or whatever I mean you know my my uh friend was telling me, I was talking to Max, his brother is now queuing on, and he got radicalized because Matt Grainig was on the flight logs.

Oh, really?

Of Epstein.

That was like the first domino to fall in his mind.

But like, what's Epstein doing with that?

I mean, it's like, that's the thing.

It's like, you know, it's supposed to be this whole CIA blackmail thing.

Yeah.

So what?

Epstein, he goes on the plane, then he says, make the Simpsons shitty.

to take that away from people.

Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

Yeah, right.

It doesn't make sense.

Make Bart fucking say that globalism is good.

Yeah, maybe that's maybe that's where his.

Don't have a cow about globalism, man.

Yeah.

Is that, yeah, that there was like a political agenda to The Simpsons.

He felt lied to his whole life.

He's clearly covering up for some deeper trauma or something.

You know.

But it is a really crazy thing to like get you started on Alex Jones.

Yeah.

Is The Simpsons.

Feeling like

the integrity of The Simpsons is called into question.

Yeah.

Which

is funny in the context of the South Park Simpsons did at first thing.

Does everybody blame South Park now for

creating libertarians?

It is kind of the perfect show because both all political bands can read into every joke as like

that like identifying with you know conservatives and liberals watch that show and they identify with different parts.

Yeah.

It's kind of a genius honestly.

Yeah.

I mean,

at this point, I'm so nauseated by all of these conversations.

I would rather just be in a giant political prison.

Like a gulag?

Everybody's in prison, and you can't talk about this stuff anymore.

Yeah, it sucks.

But one of those Norwegian ones where you get PlayStation.

Yeah.

The like uh

the child mass killing prison.

Yeah, does let me see if Andrew's Brevik.

Does he have PlayStation 3 yet?

I think they like keep him two generations behind

to give them hard time.

Andrews Brevik PlayStation 3.

Oh, PlayStation 4.

He got four?

Yeah.

So he's playing Blu-rays.

Yeah, so he was demanding PlayStation 3 in 2014.

He went to The Hague.

Yeah.

He demanded the replacement of a PlayStation 2 with a more recent PS3 with access to more adult games that I get to choose myself,

as well as a sofa or armchair instead of a painful chair.

Other inmates have access to adult games, so I only have the right to play less interesting kids' games.

One example is Rayman Revolution, a game aimed at three-year-olds throughout the 35-year-old convicted killer.

Yeah.

He gets a weekly allowance of $50.

Um

yeah, does he have PlayStation 3 yet?

I thought you said he had four.

Alright, twenty sixteen.

Rule in his favor.

Yeah, so the court ruled in his favor.

Um

okay.

does he have just get to whether he has

extended his silver reserve.

What's the source on this?

I'm giving old PlayStation the mass killer is torture, says New Yor Norwegian court.

You're kidding.

uh no I'm serious oh they gave him an Xbox 360.

Oh that's that's shit.

Yeah, but he's playing Halo

Um I'm gonna send him a PS5.

Come on dude, don't say that.

Why?

Because he's a bad guy.

But that's what Gandhi would do.

He killed kids.

Gandhi would send him a PS5.

Would he?

I think so.

Gandhi didn't like Muslims.

Is Anders Brevek Muslim?

He killed Muslim kids, I thought.

I thought he killed like immigrants.

DSA people

really I thought so yeah, I think there were little kids at like a immigrant summer camp Yeah, I don't know who cares it was fucking ten years ago

You know what I mean?

No.

What do you mean though?

I think it's maybe worse than pedophile.

I feel it's bad when the government does it, but if it's just some guy that wants PlayStation 3.

This is why I'm more scared than A.

You're not talking about the murder of the kids.

You're talking about the playstation thing oh no i'm talking about the m the murders

yeah no if i mean

you know when it's state does it it's an injustice but if it's just some guy that wants playstation i mean yeah don't do that but after ten years it's like he's and then he's like ps5 secure he's rehabilitated because ten years with playstation two

you realize like oh

I shouldn't have killed those kids.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I'm playing Tony Hawk 4.

This sucks.

this sucks if he gets out of jail i guarantee you i can play dvd i guarantee you he's not a threat to society

i mean it why did he think that's why did he do it because he was a mean guy anders brevik reason

reason it's pretty crazy like uh how much people have just forgotten steven paddock Like, I don't have like a conspiratorial bent, but that was just never explained.

And people just forgot about that 10 minutes later.

What?

Paddock.

Oh, Steven Paddock?

Yeah, it's like...

I don't think people forgot about it.

But what was the explanation?

I think it's just fucking like there's it when it happened in particular, there's nothing really juicy about the story.

It's not like he was like some explicitly right-wing guy.

He's sort of just a mystery.

He doesn't have much of a presence and he does the crime.

It's like the crime itself is sort of remote, even though it was...

This grand thing.

It was the biggest mass killing in American history.

Yeah, I know.

But it doesn't have like a political or racial bent.

There's nothing to really report on.

What are they going to do?

Say, oh, we don't know why he did it over and over and over again.

Well, just, I don't know.

It feels like people moved on pretty quick.

Not the conspiracy people.

What is why Biden should have cancelled?

They say it was an arms deal.

I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

You know what I think?

I'm going to figure out why Steven Paddock shot up the guard.

I would support that.

It was the aliens.

No, you know what I, you know what I think?

I met an alien.

Ailian Gonzalez?

He's my friend.

I think

he was trying to whack Bilzerian.

Pretty good.

Biden will Zero line.

His eyes get...

Somehow he raises his eyebrows and his eyes get tinier.

Have you ever voted for the president?

What do you mean voted?

Did I vote for Biden?

You mean?

Did you ever vote in any general election?

Yeah, of course.

Obama?

No, I did not vote.

In 2008, in

2016, I voted for...

I did not vote for Hillary.

So, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

You voted in the primary?

I didn't stand in the general election in that year also.

And I think the last time I voted for...

I wrote in Harambe.

I voted for Howie Hawkins, I think, just to throw my vote away.

Who's that?

Like a rockabilly kind of guy?

Oh, the Green Party.

Yeah.

It sounds like someone that died on a plane with the big bopper.

Yeah, yeah.

Howie Hawkins.

You're thinking of Herbie Hancock.

No, that's a Jazz Fusion guy.

Yeah, he died on the plane also.

No, he didn't die.

No, it was Richie Valens.

It was the day the music died.

Yeah.

Richie Valens' name always reminded me of...

Buddy Hawley.

Richie Valens' name always reminded me of that tube that goes from your balls to your penis.

What is it called?

You know what I'm talking about?

It's the one they cut when they do a vasectomy.

It's well, I think they they

like put a clothes pin on it.

They cut it or something.

I think they just

you can get your ball tube back.

Because they sew it back together.

Seems very delicate procedure.

Yeah, that surgery is good, no?

The tube is called what?

Fast deprons.

What?

Fast deprons.

You just knew that, Adam?

I did.

It's called Boz Luhrmann.

Boz Luhrman.

He's the name of the tube.

Herbie Hancock is still alive as well.

Yeah.

Wow, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that.

Howie Hawkins, though?

You know what's something that upset me?

No.

This isn't really of a concern anymore.

I thought the green top Ben and Jerry's ice creams were the vegan one.

What are they?

Just style.

Something different.

They're like environmentally conscious?

No idea, but they're not vegan.

I haven't had ice cream in a while.

You should get some ice cream.

We should do it out there.

Especially this week with, you know, the anniversary of your mom's death and stuff.

What?

You should.

You should have got an ice cream.

Do your prayer thing, but get yourself ice cream.

It's embarrassing.

I talked about this.

Why is it embarrassing?

Because it's very.

It's private.

No,

people hate you and they think you're like a

bug.

And you want to humanize yourself.

Look, we don't have a choice.

Republic figures, one way or the other.

Everything's already been taken away from you.

You have no privacy.

You might as well.

Some people have privacy.

Not you.

What about Harrison Ford?

No one knows what he does.

He just chills.

Yeah, I think because he's too old.

I think they just keep him in a casket.

No, I think he's not shooting.

He's doing another Indiana Jones movie.

Yeah, it's about to come out.

Yeah.

You excited for it?

I'm just getting over my mom, really.

Yeah.

But after that, I'll be ready for some anti-risk.

Are you going to go see the Barbie movie?

Of course.

I thought we're seeing it together.

Yeah, I'm going to sit there the whole time and be like,

gay?

Yeah, fucking, yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

I don't even.

They got this wrong, dude.

This is fake as hell.

That's such a weird thing that girls were obsessed with, Barbie.

What do you mean?

It's like, you know, like, I remember when the fat Barbie discourse started like 10 years ago.

Mm-hmm.

It's like, it'd be like, well, I was a little girl, I just wanted to be Barbie.

And it's like, does Barbie do or say anything?

It's just a doll that has stuff.

Yeah, but she's like a hot chick, hot blonde chick from California.

I think that was the impression.

impression.

Well, here's that she had like a boyfriend and a dream house.

And a convertible dollar.

I never understood it.

It seemed like it was just a doll with blonde hair to me.

Yeah.

Indistinct from any other doll.

And then what sold that for me is, did you see the Down syndrome Barbie?

I did see it.

You would not know it's a Down syndrome Barbie unless it said Down syndrome Barbie on the bottom.

Yeah, it was bizarre.

It would just be Barbie.

It was just a different looking Barbie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Barbie already, so one of two things.

Either they fucked up the Down syndrome Barbie, or Barbie already had Down syndrome the whole time.

Or they're sexualizing the barbarian.

And I believe the latter rather than the former, considering her name.

Down syndrome Barbie?

No, Barbie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense.

You don't meet a lot of Barbies these days.

You don't.

And it's not because of the doll.

It's because it's a

disabled name.

Also, Klaus Barbie.

Yeah.

The butcher of Lyon.

The Nazi.

Well, wouldn't you kill people too if your name was Barbie?

Yeah.

He's probably getting shit his whole life.

Klaus isn't good either.

Yeah, Santa Claus?

Yeah, right.

He's a

He's l he's learning his name.

He like learns German.

German babies, they they don't speak a word until they're four and then they're fully fluent in German.

Yeah.

So he's like, Okay, it's my fourth birthday.

I can speak now.

And they're like, oh, well, they have to tell you your name.

And he's like, okay,

what is it?

And they're like, Klaus.

He's like, ah, fuck.

Like Santa Claus.

Like Santa Claus.

That's the ah, fuck.

Well, at least maybe my last name is cool.

And they're like, it's Barbie.

And he's like, no, what?

I'm going to.

Now I have to be the butcher of Leon.

They will know me as the Butcher of Leon.

I have to kill the rest of the people.

I will be the king of Leon.

They're like, you don't want that name either.

It won't take a long time to make sense.

But you don't want to be the king of Leon either.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Butchers of Leon.

The Butchers of Leon.

Your sex is on fire.

That was such a funny band.

Yeah.

The Butchers of Leon.

That might be the single funniest lyric.

It's funnier than I'm Sexy and I Know It.

It's funnier than Shot, Shot, Shot.

Your sex is on fire.

Your sex is on fire.

Yeah,

it's what like a 47-year-old manager of...

Radio Shack says to a prostitute.

To a Kmart prostitute.

My impression was like a guy with a massive dick that had no concept of the female orgasm.

Uh-huh.

And that any bust after like four pumps.

You would listen to King's DeLeon.

You would just imagine huge cock.

A huge cock, four pumps, rolls over, your sex is on fire, goes to sleep.

Yeah.

That kind of guy.

The funniest.

The kind of guy that I aspire to be, honestly.

The funniest was, do you remember, what is it, Buck Cherry?

Yeah.

You're a crazy bitch.

Yeah, when that song came out, it was like, because you know, like conservatives that complain about how there was no like nuance in rap music or whatever, you know, and they'd be like, rap songs are just like, get your pussy out.

Let me make my penis hard and put my penis into your pussy until I come semen onto your uterus.

They're like, how is this a song?

Yeah.

But like, Buck Cherry was when that invaded white music.

And

they didn't have a problem with it at all.

Because that song is just fucking...

yeah, you're crude.

That song is fucking fucking crazy, bitch.

It's crude.

It's fucking

crude.

You're crazy, bitch.

But you fuck so good.

You're on top of my penis, and I can see you on my penis.

And I bust my dick.

And they're just like playing it at the barbecue, the 4th of July barbecue.

Yeah, with families that are there.

Yeah, your son.

Bug Cherry does not like.

Yeah, your son Crudd and Doorknob are running around.

It's their sixth birthday.

Yeah, pretending they're smoking sparklers, like cigars, and just inhaling fucking mercury but it doesn't matter because your wife drank throughout the pregnancy let's get that buck cherry song on

so good yeah

i think i think it's you can drink during pregnancy yeah you think that well i there's that show the tlc show like i didn't know i was pregnant until i shit out a baby on the toilet one day shit babies on tlc shit babies and they're always like she drank and coming up throughout the pregnancy but the baby was born normally i shit a baby did you see that fucking that video video?

That girl in New Mexico?

Who?

Some girl in New Mexico, it was like a month ago, and it's like fucking like like a cop necklace camera with the body camera footage.

And it's already in a hospital room.

The police officer's standing there and there's a girl in like a hospital bed and her mom's there.

And the fucking doctor's in.

She's like, okay, so I'll just be blunt with you.

It's like we found a dead baby in the trash can in the bathroom.

So basically this girl went into the hospital with like back pain She's like knew she was pregnant.

She's like 18.

She hid it from her mom or something and then she went to the hospital with back pain and then she like went into labor and just like went into one of the bathrooms at the hospital gave birth in the bathroom and then killed the baby and like put it

in the trash can and then put a fresh trash can liner over it so it just looked like you know the trash can was empty

and then she came out of the bathroom like 30 minutes later and there was just like blood and shit everywhere so they sent a janitor

send a janitor and clean it up

and

the janitor uh finds the dead baby so they tell the hospital staff they hold her in the the room they call the police because you know it's murder i guess

and uh

yeah the video is like jarring because it's like you know it's like the girl doesn't really understand the severity of what she did she doesn't register it doesn't register yeah it's like oh this thing came out of it she's like yeah it just i killed it yeah

which uh

you know.

Well, I thought when you said body cam, I thought you were going to say the cop

shot her and the pussy.

No, yeah.

The copper actually doesn't really say much anything.

Yeah.

Because they can't do anything.

I mean, they're just patrol officers.

You got to wait until a cool detective comes in.

He's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

What'd you do with a dead baby, Tuts?

So, blah, say, blah.

Didn't want the kid.

I saw that dead baby.

It was a femme fatale.

Why don't you skip it to the fire department?

Why don't you just bring it down to the fire department?

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

I can be an old old timey.

40s.

You don't really need any credentials to be a private eye, right?

Usually they're ex-cops.

I think you need a mustache.

Mustache?

A polo shirt that you tuck in to your fupa.

Yeah, you need a belly.

Yeah.

And a fat upper pussy area.

Yeah.

And an office.

Basically.

Fupa investigation.

And you need horizontal blinds.

And it has to be raining out of the corner.

Oh, that's the old old school one.

The new school ones are like they have like a better call sell office.

Right.

They're basically a glorified dog the bounty hunter.

Yeah.

Defupa investigation.

My name's Michael DeFupa.

I was a police officer for 25 years.

I feel like you'd be very good at it because you're very good at the computer.

I'm not very good at the computer.

You can figure out IP addresses.

I don't know, I can't.

I don't know what you mean.

You've done it before.

No, I haven't.

Yes, you have.

No, what are you talking about?

I've seen you at work.

Find an IP address?

What do you mean?

There was a fella harassing a gal, and you got all the information.

You just Google their name, and you can get their fucking phone off.

You're good.

You're good.

You just Google somebody's name.

That's it.

That's it?

Yeah.

They could have done that themselves.

And actually, I didn't.

First of all, I didn't Google a name.

I know what you're talking about.

You're talking about.

Alex's friend.

No, no, I thought you were talking about that person harassing, what's his name's girlfriend.

Who?

This was fun.

I was proud of myself.

Yeah, I've seen you.

Why are you downplaying?

Because that's not computers.

This is more of an encyclopedia Brown thing.

What did you do?

That guy was sending emails to

so-and-so's girlfriend.

I don't want to go into details.

And Sean, well, fuck.

Yeah, no.

They asked me if I could help.

And I don't know why, probably because you told them I'm good at computers.

He's the best in the business.

He's a big boy.

But, you know, so you look at the email, it's clearly like a fake email.

They set it up just to send these harassing emails.

But I noticed they put two spaces after the period.

Writers,

screenwriter.

Only a screenwriter would do that.

So I said, okay, well, it's got to be somebody in the right screenplays.

And with that, they figured out who it was.

And I was like, yeah, that's that's that millions of mine's mine, all my encyclopedia brown shit.

That's a detective.

Yeah.

You detected that.

It would be fun.

I had to deliver divorce papers one time to stake out a house to do it

for like 25 bucks.

And that was, that felt cool I just sat I sat I parked up the street and I watched her there was did you eat no

no I just I think I smoked cigarettes in my car and I listened to mob deep so sick in the fucking rear so sick I waited and I saw him I popped out for 25 bucks came up behind the bushes I'm like oh hey so-and-so you're like yeah I'm like you've been served I'm sorry oh you did it politely yeah I mean it's horrible no I think you have to do a prank this woman's like she's being divorced sucks oh you did it to a lady yeah yeah yeah no.

Well, she was, I think she was like cheating on the husband or something.

Oh, so she deserved it.

So, whose side were you on?

I don't know.

My landlord's, it was my landlord asked me to do it.

How was he involved?

She was involved because

I owed her rent.

So you had 25 bucks.

She was involved because I was an alcoholic and I needed to pay my rent.

And you were 25 bucks short?

No, she was just like, I got a job for you.

I was struggling at the time.

That was nice.

Yeah, yeah, it was nice.

You can go ruin somebody else's life.

We can make a movie, I think, about that.

A process server.

There was a movie with Matthew Perry where he's a process server.

Really?

Yeah, what is that fucking movie?

But then he falls in the...

The whole nine yards?

Matthew.

Maybe it was the whole nine yards.

No, that's about a dentist.

He plays a dentist in that.

Serving Sarah.

Was it good?

I'm sure it was.

Well, it has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Okay, but you can't trust what they...

I wish we could get Matthew Perry on the show.

I mean, it's going to be that hard.

Elizabeth Hurley in it, too?

She is.

What?

Back in the day, she was a 10 out of 10.

You hate it.

You got to stop that.

That's just guy talk.

Yeah, but you're middle aged.

That's just guy talk.

If you're middle-aged, you can't talk like that anymore.

What are you talking about?

Because then you turn it...

You remember when we were young and there'd be old guys who'd be like, wow, what a sexy piece of quarters, or you know, like, she's a real pocket of change.

We're just embracing, we're embracing that.

No, don't be that guy, you have to be a just that's just what a guy is.

Fine, maybe for you.

You can be that if you want.

I'm going sexless, I'm gonna grow Foo Man.

Repressed, no, not repressed.

I'm retired, bro.

No way, dude.

Dude, and now I'm above wisdom.

Elizabeth Hurley, all the chicks that were on Tool Time, the girl hosts on Tool Time.

Bindy.

Bindy Irwin?

Bindy Irwin was the Tool Time girl.

Who's it?

Kathy Ireland or something?

I have no idea, dude.

I don't know.

Alyssa Milano.

Yeah, it's weird if you.

No, she looks fun.

Who?

Elizabeth Earl.

That's current.

Well, I'm just saying, in that film, Bedazzled, she's unreal.

What's that about a woman that puts jewels on her pussy?

Um.

The king and I?

No, Bedazzled.

God damn it, dude.

What?

Yeah, I thought you said what was.

I said, what is that?

The movie where the woman puts jewels on her pussy.

Bedazzled.

And then you said, what, the king and I?

I thought you said, what was the movie where the woman put...

I'm sorry, man.

It's embarrassing.

What?

Not listening?

I was listening.

You didn't enunciate.

No.

Basilica de Guadalupe.

Yeah.

Did you get that there?

Or is that another thrift shop hunt?

It was just in my car.

Someone left it there.

Someone left it in your car.

I think a homeless person slept in my car a couple of years ago.

Really?

I thought rats were fucking in your engine.

Well, that happens.

I mean, yeah, they probably do it in your car too.

Really?

Yeah, in winter, they go up into the engine and they nest it there.

And they have sex.

I don't know if they have sex.

They don't.

Why does everything have to be horny with you?

Don't, don't, don't pathologize.

I'm not pathologist.

Why does someone say rat fucker?

I went to my car

and

the seats were pushed forward and like all the shit for me.

Was there anything taken?

Nothing.

And there was money in there too.

That's nice.

Yeah, they didn't take anything.

And then it just

smelled like body odor.

But my car's not comfortable to sleep in.

No.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe it was the only car.

It was basically a two-seater.

Yeah, it was the only car that was open.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What if he had sex?

Again.

I was just, then I was.

No, you said it.

I was pulling your chain.

You said it, and then you remembered.

And that's a double strike for you because it's...

No, that would have been the third strike.

No, because it's too...

No, I said that Elizabeth Hurley used to be sexy back in the day.

It would be strike three.

And then the rats were fucking in your thing, and then

the hobo was fucking in your life.

I say two strikes.

It would be strike three on the sexual pathology, and it would be strike one on joke stealing for the day.

What joke stealing?

It's an old school where homeless people have sex in the guy's car.

They have orgies in the car.

I don't think.

I think that was about a Big Mike and the Boys.

Thanks for the game.

Oh, that is Adam McKay.

What is that?

What movie is that?

The Other Guys.

The Other Guys.

It's such a good movie.

Thanks from Big Mike and the Boys.

Yeah, yeah.

The Homeless Guys.

They have Homeless Guy orgies in his car.

They keep doing it.

That is very disrespectful.

I'm sorry for bringing up sex, dude.

I don't care.

I mean, we don't have to be a man.

I'm easy breezy.

You think I'm becoming like I am easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl, dude.

You think I'm becoming like a like a like a

like a boomer?

Yeah, well, not a boomer, but.

Like a dad?

Millennials are becoming old, and there's no one to even find a charming because they don't have children.

Now they're just old freak shows

saying weird shit like

your sex is on fire.

You're gonna be saying that.

So what are you saying?

That I

do you gracefully age

into that?

Or do you cling to youth?

Which it sounds like you're doing.

No, I'm picking a better type of old guy to be.

What do you want to be?

Like weird hobbyist.

Like sex?

Model trains.

Like sex with them?

Something model train adjacent.

That's not generationally apt.

So I don't know.

I don't know what my thing is going to be.

I'm sorry wildlife conservation I feel that would be the dream honestly bird watching no not bird watching if I could just sort of like publicly respect elephants

you know what I mean make videos I'd be like they're our biggest friends they really are they are they're so cool yeah they're really nice

I really like that their ears do this when they run they're so cool yeah it is they go so far they remember where they're going.

To already be that big and then still have big ears even in relation to how big you are.

Big ears.

They got to be like as big as us.

Yeah.

They have big ears and a big nose and then in the elephant's mind they're like, well, it just looks big because I'm so big.

And everyone's like, it's the opposite.

I don't know, pal.

It's the opposite.

Yeah.

They look smaller.

They look smaller because you're

a fucking dodo with a trunk and ears that size.

Pathetic.

Yeah.

But we don't tell them that.

We're friends.

They know.

They're smarter than you.

They cry, which I would too if I had to hang out with Indian people that much.

Okay, fine.

Nothing.

Why would you cry?

Go ahead.

Just leave me hanging.

Well, there are different types of elephants.

They're African elephants, too.

And I'm glad you didn't opt for that version of the.

If we had moved all the elephants to Texas, I don't think they'd be crying anymore.

They get drunk off pumpkins.

Did you know that?

What, like fermented?

They bury pumpkins and make alcohol pumpkins.

Yeah.

So sick.

And then they eat them and they get fucked up.

That's kind of chill.

Yeah.

I love that.

Yeah, it's goth, too.

It's goth.

Yeah, they love Halloween.

Yeah.

They love Jack Skellington.

Yeah.

They love.

What do you call it?

Ichabod Crane.

Remember, we went to...

I always forget her name.

The pumpkin palette?

Kathleen Turner's house?

Yeah, I do.

And then she had that picture of her with

she murdered an elephant.

I think they were sleeping.

I'm pretty.

She's the

That was the funniest day.

I'm just thinking about that.

Do you think she took a picture with a sleeping elephant?

I don't think she's the killing type.

All right.

She's not like Don Jr.

and Eric.

Those guys go to Africa and kill.

Do they, though?

Yeah, they get on a plane, they kill, and they go back.

I don't know.

Maybe they get a head.

They seem like the type of

like weird mutant aristocracy that like the like French dandies where they can't really do anything.

They're useless because they're inbred.

Yeah, they would just stay in bed.

They're not.

They're new money.

They would stay in bed all day.

Yeah.

Like the Habsburgs.

Louis XVI.

Yeah.

They couldn't feed themselves.

Yeah.

They pooped their bed.

Yeah.

They were just babies their whole life.

Yeah.

That sounds awesome.

Yeah.

Because your parents are.

I would love to be a mentally retarded Austrian king.

You're the king.

Yeah.

That's.

I think that's

the movie.

I don't want to wear bigger jewels anymore.

They're too heavy.

They had like a weird nose and chin, right?

The Habsburgs?

Yeah.

Because of inbreeding.

Yeah, they had to look like that.

Yeah, and then imagine being the painter hired to do that.

You got to make it look better.

Just monster, yeah.

You're like, you're trying to work with it.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And if you fuck it up, they kill you.

Yeah, right.

You get executed.

You go to fucking jail.

By this like 75 IQ guy who like can't wipe his own ass.

Habsburg disabled.

How come you never see like disability activists claim them?

The Habsburgs?

Yeah, be like, look what we did.

We were kings.

Because they were kings.

They was kings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, Charles II of Spain.

He's the one that people show this.

Let me see.

It's such a funny look.

He looks like

that one actress from Garden State.

Where she makes him a shirt.

He looks like that old Jewish thing.

Personal details.

Let's see.

Usual Spanish drinks.

Just get to the part where he's.

I wonder if he's mentally disabled or not.

Renal tubular acidosis.

What is that?

I don't know.

He had herpes.

Oh, everyone knows.

But he's born with herpes.

And he also had hydrocephalus.

What's that?

Water on the brain.

Oh, he was literally a waterhead.

Yeah, he had measles, chicken pox, rubella, and smallpox.

He also had rickets.

Do you remember that episode of Simpsons where like Mr.

Burns had every disease?

Yeah.

And they said it's the three stooges.

So you're saying I'm indestructible.

Oh, no, even the slightest breeze could be indestructible.

Great job, so funny, yeah, great job.

Look, Omer, that's why your robot didn't work.

So he had every disease and he lasted long enough

to be the king.

This is confirmed by a 1691 report submitted by an envoy from Ismail Ibn Sharif, Sultan of Morocco.

Okay,

yeah, there's not this doesn't just straight up say that he's

disabled.

It's weird that there was never

nobility with like uh like a Down syndrome

You know you'd think there would be one painting

Yeah, I guess.

If you Google it, I imagine there's one.

Here we go, Reddit.

Were there any aristocrats slash royals born with Down syndrome?

Or tried to Google this?

Down syndrome, I'm not sure, but there are a few candidates for mental retardation.

Although with limited information given to due to lack of knowledge, much harder to distinguish.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, I don't know.

Children's ability.

The king's got to be a pretty, like, obnoxious guy, because, like, his entire life, every joke he's ever told is crushed.

Wow, when you go to Quora now, it just has ChatGPT answer instead of people.

Really?

Yeah.

They replaced those guys.

Those are really obnoxious guys, the Quora guys.

They're like Elon Musk reply guys.

What's the answer?

Yeah,

they're mad mentally handicapped people.

Yeah.

You know what's crazy that fucking people with Down syndrome, their life expectancy went from like 25 years to like 65 in a matter of like 10 years.

But the amount of people with Down syndrome has dropped precipitously because of prenatal testing.

They're like going extinct.

So I guess like yeah, the negligent or the parents that didn't want them in the first place aren't just abusing them anymore.

I guess it's a better life, right?

Do you know if you're one of the 65 guys?

I actually didn't know about this until recently.

There's something called mosaic Down syndrome.

Have you ever heard of that?

No.

Where you only have

some of like only some of your genes have the extra chromosome and you're more functional they're like some of them have like normal intelligence you just have like the physical manifestations of it like patent there's like a there's like a uh an like a what is it called like when a student like a grad student teacher in spain who has down syndrome he like gives lectures yeah and he's like oh just like everybody else I mean, he speaks Spanish, so I don't know what the fuck he's saying.

Maybe he's French.

He's French.

Yeah.

And it's like, and then that adds to it, too.

Like, if he wasn't, if he wasn't French, he would be like a genius.

Being French probably takes more weight.

It's held him in a way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's kept the regulator on it.

Yeah.

It's a language just created to describe cheese and prostitutes.

I feel like

that's the like having that disorder, but actually having normal intelligence is like a great deal.

Because people are always going to be nice to you.

You can opt to go to lean in one way or the other.

Yeah.

People want to party with you.

Yeah.

Anytime you fuck up, you just be like, come on.

What do you expect?

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you had that face, like imagine, like try a BuzzFeed trying to write an article.

Like, let's say Maddie Healy head down syndrome.

Right.

And it's like Maddie Healy's horrific comments about Ice Spice.

And then you see the

picture of him.

Nobody's going to get mad at that.

Sure.

You know?

Yeah.

They're going to want to party with him.

Would they?

Would they?

No.

Okay.

No.

I agree.

You know what I was thinking about watching again last night?

I didn't.

I ended up, I've been in this, like, just

keeping everything to a small way.

I rewatched K-PAX.

It's bad, right?

It's really bad, yeah.

It's really bad.

I mean, it's like laughable.

Yeah, yeah, it's awful.

Yeah.

The whole premise of the movie is that if you deal with like severe psychological trauma, then you get visited by an alien that takes over your.

That movie's bizarre.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's wild.

And you, like, in retrospect, him being connected to it, there has to be some sort of nefarious psyop.

Yeah, right.

Why is that?

He's making a movie about somebody that's so psychologically

tormented that they become an alien from another planet.

Don't trust it.

Yeah.

Don't trust it.

They're like, cut, cut, cut.

And he's like, I'll be in my trailer with an eight-year-old boy.

He's making K-Packs.

Should we get him on the show?

Kevin Space?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd love to.

But I don't want to, like, rehabilitate monsters.

But we are bad guys.

We're not bad guys.

I want to drill into the pathology of the monster.

Yeah.

I want to be like Jody Foster.

How would you do that?

By saying the word pathology in a silly way?

No, I'd put on a pants suit.

I'd be like, Dr.

Lecter.

Yeah.

Hi, Dr.

Elector.

Dr.

Lecter.

Hey, Kevin Spicy.

Hey, Kevin Spicy, Dr.

Lecter.

Hey, Kevin Spicy, Dr.

Elector.

Keep going.

Watch your fucking bullies.

What else would you say is Starling?

To Kevin Spacey, Dr.

Elector?

Mm-hmm.

I give my credentials.

I went to Harvard.

It's nice to meet you.

How does Kevin Spacey talk?

Oh, that's.

Kind of like that.

That's an interesting way to put it.

I can only do him in

the House of Cards.

Yeah, but that's him doing an act.

You're not doing him in House of Cards.

You're doing a Southern accent.

No, the Southern aspect aspect of his personality.

No, no.

What do you mean?

That is such an insane.

All your characters are pieces of yourself.

No.

Yes, it is.

Oh, I can do Kevin Spacey in House of Cards.

I could do Sasha Baron Cohen in Borack.

It's also your fucking Paula Dean impression.

It's your Colonel Sanders impression.

It's your fucking Foghorn Leghorn impression.

I could do Mike Myers in Austin Powers.

What?

Let me hear your Kevin Spacey in House of Cards.

And that's when I knew that my plan.

No, it sounds like that.

We're pulling it up.

That sounds like I knew that ultimate power.

It's a seven-year-old black woman.

It doesn't even.

That's the character.

House of Cards.

What's the character's name?

Frank Castle?

No.

No, that's the Punisher.

Is that the guy's Mouse of Cards?

House of Cards character.

What's his name?

Miss Yvette.

Dean Castle.

Miss Yvette.

Francis Underwood.

Francis Underwood.

And I knew I would have my revenge.

All right, Frank Underwood.

It's very bad.

I'm on the spot right now.

It's the kind of thing when you're alone, you're in the.

They say we get the leaders we deserve.

I'm Paula Dean, and I'm in the center.

No, now you're showing.

Now you're going to lean in.

Do your best.

Do your best.

They say we get the leaders we deserve.

pause

they say we get the leaders we deserve not even same same exact thing no same exact thing

let me just get one dude yeah he's hard to do he has a very distinctive voice but yeah yeah

i can't do it i can't imagine what it sounds like

i'm from another planet I'm from another.

I'm not going to sit here and figure it out.

You got it.

No.

I think that was great.

I'm going to build you up here.

Sometimes, no, you can hear when it, like, clicks.

Yeah, but he does have that soft affect.

He does.

He does have that soft affect.

But that's not the voice.

It's like, even if I did, if I talked like that, nobody would be like, that's Kevin Space.

I did.

That's what I was thinking.

No, no.

Yes, it was.

Because I wasn't listening to what you were saying before.

Because I'm a bad listener.

And I heard you do that impression.

Oh, he's talking about Kevin Space.

I can do Michael Myers in the love guru.

Michael Myers?

Yeah.

What do you mean, Michael Myers?

This murderer.

I said I could do Mike Myers in a logo.

You said Michael Myers.

No, I didn't.

Do it.

Here we go.

House of Cards.

Frank saying no.

Enjoy endless possibilities.

Absolutely.

Enjoy endless possibilities.

Yeah, that's a great impression of the Ritz Crackers commercial.

Yeah, that's in my wheelhouse.

I wish I had a new one.

I really can't.

It's how you always surprise yourself, and then you think you're good at it, and then you play back a recording, and you're like, oh, I sound nothing like this person.

What?

Okay, fine.

If I build you up you reject it i don't need if i knock you down you reject it yeah i think you are one step beneath caliendo that's that's what's in my heart nick

is caliando still doing it you can't stop him who's he got now he's he doing now everyone yeah perfect i was always i wish i could just do women now i always just wanted to be an impression he does a hell of a caitlin jenner if i could do that If I could be a combination of like perfect impressions and then Brian Regan, that would be the ideal.

I have no interest.

All the garbage I say, all the shit I say,

all the racist shit.

All this shit, I hate it.

But it's a living.

You know, what are you going to do?

We got bills to pay.

So I don't think it's all that.

Maybe in another life.

What do you mean?

Come on.

i don't think it's all that racist stuff

there's more to it there's pathos what do you mean i don't know i wonder how is there pathos there's real moments like when i said that my mom died this week and i said like richard gere

maybe you could put the candle in your ass what you were doing was you were removing the trauma and the pain with a moment of levity because you're a good friend you're being cool if you were using comedy to heal patch adams style if if after that trauma it was unbearable to you and and then Kevin Spacey went into your body as an alien from

another galaxy.

Like in Kpax.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah, that would be cool, I guess.

I remember, it was weird.

I was watching it.

I kept waiting for, I remember, like, maybe I just made it up in my head that Kpax turned out to be, like, the name of the slaughterhouse or something, or K-Pax meant something else.

And that's just not in the movie at all.

But it's the alien, no?

K-Pax is the planet that he's from.

Yeah.

But I remember thinking that like he puts it together that K-Pax is like

it's like the name of the slaughterhouse the dad worked at or something.

There's something that fucking...

But it was a Berenstein

Mandala.

What?

It was a Mandela.

Mandala.

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

The Mandela effect.

Why do they call it that?

Why is it called the Mandela?

People think that he was killed killed in jail or something.

I thought the whole thing was...

They don't remember that he got out.

They couldn't tell black people apart and they thought he was Morgan Freeman.

Yes.

And that's

the Mandela effect.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They were like, Mr.

President.

And it's just racism.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They call it the Sandra O effect.

When you think Lucy Lou is one of the Berenstein Bears.

Yeah.

It happens.

Yeah.

Happens.

It doesn't feel good when someone catches you.

What's that meme of the Berenstein Bears where there's a family of pandas moving in next door and the dad's like all angry and then somebody just superimposed like Huey helicopters over

like Vietnam?

Like him just having a flashback.

Okay, I never saw it.

I never saw it.

What do you mean?

I never saw it.

It's funny that the Berenstein Bears' dad went to fucking Vietnam and he was in the shit and he napalmed the panda bears.

I'm sorry, what

I don't want the acrimony.

I want part cooperation.

It's a good meme.

Nick?

What?

Why don't you say something?

Okay.

Why don't you suggest a premise?

Okay, uh, here's a premise.

It's funny.

That's good.

That's good.

Premises, Biden, in addition to.

It's crazy.

So the Berenstein Bears, it was...

Here, I'll do it.

I'll handle the new premise that we're talking about.

Okay.

It's written by Stan and Jan Berenstein, right?

And I'm assuming they're a couple.

Brother and sister.

Oh, they're.

What they fuck.

Do you know that they're brother and sister?

No, I don't know.

I don't know.

Why?

Why what's wrong with that?

Alright, hold on.

Now I gotta find out.

Illustrator is best known.

But both workers in Pennsylvania.

Married for 50.

Okay, so they were married, right?

Just to imagine these people, like, writing a children's book and drawing it and then finishing it and putting the final touches and then just like, just fucking.

Just like, being like, I fucking love you.

The one where the bear gets a new car,

just like, fuck you.

Oh my god, I love you so fucking much.

We write these fucking books for babies.

And then doing that for

nine years.

Yeah.

She's like, fuck.

They're having fucking pornographic rich things.

They're just having her pussy.

Yeah.

Just munching.

65 years old.

She's colored pencils all over the bed.

Oh my god, fuck.

Fuck.

Your fucking pussy feels so good.

I love writing these fucking books.

So good after all these years.

The way, bitch, the way you draw that fucking bear gets me so fucking hard.

I can't wait to fuck your ass.

Yeah.

personal lives

I hope they say I hope they they

yeah Berenstein married 59 years still stands death from cancer.

They had two sons Leo and Mike

Mike Berenstein is a writer illustrator has been a published officer six years parents are several bears in marriage

Jan Berenstein died of a stroke on February 24th 2012

It's not as cool as fuck.

Okay, 1967 they wrote a book called Mr.

Dirty vs.

Mr.

Clean.

Mrs.

Clean.

Once again.

Yeah.

Once again.

Call me Mrs.

Bedside Lover Boy.

Lover Boy.

They're horny freaks.

Yeah.

They're horny freaks.

I mean, you can tell it.

You can see it.

How'd you know?

I couldn't see it.

And you think I pathologize everything's.

But I'm right.

But how'd you see it?

What were the clues?

You just have to.

Just show me your two spaces after the period.

The way their names are placed on the cover of the book.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's just something about

it's not centered.

It's off to the bottom.

It's like you can almost see them finishing the work, leaving their mark on it, and walking off into the bedroom to fuck each other violently.

I don't know.

That's it.

There's something else.

There's some other wavelength that you're on.

Because you do that too much.

Tax-wise, marital, but I scared myself when I did Jimmy Buffett.

That one was.

That he was on the hamburger that he was on the plane.

Yeah.

That was bizarre.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

Sometimes you're just tapped into shit.

It's all in the family, lover boy.

But what you're tapped into is people's basic sexual desires.

Yeah, and beat him when he sneezes.

Bedside, lover boy.

Call me Mrs.

It's still in the family.

Office lover boy.

It's still in the family.

It's just like incest ports.

The facts of life for grown-ups.

Mr.

Dirty and Mrs.

Clean.

Be good or I'll belt ya.

How to teach your children about sex without making a complete fool of yourself.

Never trust anyone over 13.

They're freaks.

Yeah.

These people are absolute freaks.

Yeah.

Are they boomers?

Are they like Woodstock general?

They're fucked up.

They're the boomers that like the ones that like this is a problem with hippies is all these fucking freaks imported Eastern philosophy in like the middle of the last century

and created this nightmare version of it where instead of like they don't understand that's why they have to use drugs to to find like ego death or whatever but all this stuff that was supposed about being like dissolving the self and a panacea to the

trappings of uh narcissism or whatever then reinforced the thing and then they all became like sex freak rapists and then there's like you know some well maybe the simpler answer is there was just pussy in it there yeah there was pussy in in all of that stuff but that's that's you know like all of the reason like the 1960s fizzled out isn't you know like the this idea of revolution or whatever that it didn't meet amount to anything isn't like because the CIA was effective in

like like

mollifying all of these things.

No, it's because Americans are too narcissistic to actually see any of it through.

So then it's like oh like you know you can see it now the same thing.

It's like oh good for me I went to a Black Lives Matter protest or I posted a Black Square.

It's like sort of like a

like a fast-paced like

a microscopic version of

if I did acid at Woodstock, that makes me an old revolutionary.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, you know what?

It's like you just went to a party and you got fucked up.

Yeah, and now they're all old and they all have healing crystals and they take fake medicine they buy on the internet and they

and they gave up on trying to fix any problems in society.

Yeah, well they were never trying to fix it.

They never did.

Yeah.

But the original premise was this is a counterculture.

We're going to like...

No, they were looking for like a secular rap.

They just wanted to get fucked up and get some pussy.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

and some of them wanted to write books for children and then fuck each other.

All right, should we finish up?

Yeah, sure.

We got a lot of stuff to do.

Uh, we do.

I gotta go through the edit with Adam.

Yeah,

yeah, and then we have to do the beginning of the thing,

yeah, yeah, there's stuff to figure out.

Okay, all right,

I gotta go to the doctor also.

What's wrong?

Nothing, we have to do that for.

All right, all right,

nope.

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