Ep. P01 – The Adam Friedland Show Podcast

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Privacy starts at the source.

It's the Adam Friedland Show.

It is December 28th, 2002,

and

we are live.

Let me get the timer going here.

Okay.

And Adam is out for the week.

He is in South Africa.

It's just me, joined by Jordan Jensen,

recently back

from an interesting family situation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So if you want to, you were just talking about this off mic for a second.

And then, I mean, you don't have to, you don't have to tell this story, but I said, let's turn the recorder on.

We chatted for a minute.

I said it was Christmas and I went home, where in which I saw my stepbrother, who notoriously I've had sex with.

We're not really

much.

Oh, see, you kind of blew the load, so to speak.

Everybody knows this.

Everybody who knows.

Yeah, everybody knows this.

In fact, you know what's kind of fucked up?

What?

Is I so one of my moms, my biological mom, knows she's always known, she kind of knew that,

you know, it was like a, it was actually a Christmas, like many, many years ago.

And did you guys get stuck in the chimney?

Yeah, I got stuck in the chimney and he had to help me.

Like a three-year-old niece coming downstairs.

Santa's here.

And they're like, that's not Santa.

Stay away from the fireplace.

That's not Santa.

No, yeah, I got stuck in it like it was a washer.

And he had to pry me out.

Using his dick.

Using his dick.

Like you're scooping fucking peanut butter out with a knife.

Yeah.

Just popping you out of there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, but his other mom didn't know, but I think his other mom has gotten it because she listens to our podcast where I've talked about it many times.

Yeah.

But there was no

acknowledgement of this last night where we were all together.

And he was there and I was there.

He was very attractive as he always always is.

Yeah.

It's funny because you say that, and it's like, and people get angry at this, but as a heterosexual man, which very few people believe, as soon as you say he was very attractive, I just imagine James Bond.

I imagine Sean Connery.

No, he has like a skater punk, lots of tattoos.

He has like a very, he's very wiry.

I'm just imagining your white trash house and fucking Sean Connery in a tuxedo.

I like that you're imagining that.

It's good to see you again.

Yeah, I like that you're giving me the benefit of the doubt.

No, he's like, he's like a trash GED.

Okay.

Works construction that my mother taught him.

Yeah.

I think James Bond has a GED.

No, I don't think he does.

He's Scottish.

Isn't it James Bond's backstory?

Is that he's like a Scottish mongoloid?

He's just got mongoloid.

Yeah, he's got like a mental disability, doesn't he?

What?

I don't know.

I don't really watch.

I've never seen any movies.

You obviously do know.

I haven't seen any of the movies.

But you just gave like a full description that I've never even come close to hearing about.

You know something.

Yeah.

No, I'm pretty sure that's the backstory of James Bond, that that he was like ward of the state because he was a mental invalid

what yeah to who and well that's the whole like plausible deniability thing is like they would hire mentally disabled people to be spies during world war ii because if they got caught they'd be like no that guy's a fucking retard he's not

making this up no no no what is a mongoloid technically i've always i've always imagined it as like sasquatch with you know a full retardation it just means down syndrome but uh interestingly enough where the term and i've i've told this before on the show, but where the term mongoloid comes from is in the late 1800s, there's a man named John Langdon Downs who was a social scientist prior to that even really being a thing.

You know how science, when science was new, you just need to be like a guy with like a top hat and you're like, well, I'm a scientist.

And a couple glasses.

Yeah, right.

I'm going to smash this rat with a hammer for like an auditorium.

He used to be able to just do surgery.

No, they used to do fucking surgeries like it was destruction derby.

You could just get like a woman from the orphanage and be like, Let's see if we can cut her pussy out and keep her alive.

And then it wouldn't work.

I'm just describing the opening scene from the Nick.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Did you cut her pussy out in the nick?

Yeah, he tries to do, he tries to like save a woman because

he's like inventing C-sections or something.

Right, right.

And he's like, I'll make an insertion here and remove the baby, and then we will keep the mother alive by vivisection of the pussy.

And, you know, I don't.

But he's all fucked up on drugs or something.

Yeah, and then he kills her and he's like sorry

and then the theme song plays yeah and the people in the balcony and i'm like you sold me this is the best show i've ever seen

um

but no so there's a man named john langdon downs and in i guess psychology or whatever it used to be that was like uh it was like none work basically to go work with like uh the mentally retarded because and this is back this is back in the days when calling them retarded that was the pc sweet thing to do yeah right that was like you'd be like you'd be like like oh i care about retards they're like oh what you mean morons you mean idiots they're like please retards those that used to be like the nice term back then that was retard because they were mentally retarded because they're mentally retarded right right yeah they would know they would call them morons and idiots first of all we have to stop changing every every 14 year old knows this you know what it's when i started stand up that's when intellectually disabled came out and i was like who's going to say intellectually disabled you know because it's like they're not intellectual.

I'm intellectually disabled.

Yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right.

Intellectually disabled.

Yeah.

It's way off.

I don't know.

They are literally retarded.

I mean, that is the perfect word.

They are physically retarded.

That's what's going on in the brain.

Yeah, right.

But the

make a retardant retard.

Yeah,

but intellectually disabled seems to have stuck.

And now I say it, I guess.

Like if I'm talking to one of them, I go, oh, so you're welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

You're intellectually disabled, by the way.

And they would say, yes.

And they go, yes, of course.

What about?

That's actually how I got the job in the first place.

We had James Bond on the show a couple weeks ago.

So that's kind of...

Do you remember James Bond?

No, no, no.

He came in?

Yeah, we had, yeah, James Bond.

Nice.

I'm pretty sure it was James Bond.

Who was that little melted man that you had?

We had two of them.

I don't know which one.

The man who looked like when you take sand and you make a drip castle?

There was two of those guys.

What?

Yeah.

One of them is the trumpet guy, and the other one is Gene DiNapoli, the Elvis impersonator.

I don't know which one is which, but I'm I'm going to have to say solid trumpet guy is the one I'm talking about.

This man is, even if he never touches a trumpet, he's the trumpet guy.

Doug Levison, the trumpet man.

But let me finish this saying real quick.

Yeah, and I'll get back.

I'll get back because I got a funny story about him, and then we can go back to you fucking your family member.

All right, we're at Langston, which is a perfect name for this.

For somebody who participates in incest, it's surprising you don't know more about the mentally disabled.

Yeah, I know.

I caught my stepbrother Googling geniuses who fuck their relatives after that.

That's like having unprotected gay sex all the time time and being like, What's HIV?

Yeah, what is I've never heard of?

I wasn't getting pregnant.

How do you get HIV?

We're not related by blood.

My mom married the mother of the hot kids.

Yeah.

And then I, you know,

banged on finally.

You live together.

They're in the other house.

I saw him fuck his girlfriend a million times, walked in on it.

He gave me weed, got so high, you know, then you're getting high for the first time around a person.

That's a bad thing.

You just fatly peering through the door with the girls.

I was so fat.

I was so fat.

Just watching him fuck his girlfriend.

That's what's crazy is that he fucked me knowing that I used to be that.

That's what's nuts.

Yeah.

That's disturbing.

Yeah.

Well, good for you.

Thank you so much.

John Langdon Downs was a scientist in the late 1800s who went to work with the mentally retarded.

And, you know, that was nobody wanted to do that job.

But he spent a lot of time with them.

And then he wrote a paper called The Ethnic Classifications of Idiots.

And his theory was that mental retardation is caused by race mixing.

Like in like some

some

point earlier in your lineage somebody race mixed and then that produces specific types and so he had three the negroid type of mentally retarded person and basically back then all science was based on like political cartoons or like you know different you know like like phenotypes or whatever is if people would draw cartoons a goofy black guy who's also retarded this is the yeah yeah uh so negroid and mongroid was the other one so the theorem is that if you have down syndrome it's because somebody fucked a chinese person way earlier in your family's lineage, and then those genes manifest.

Because their eyes are little like that?

Yes.

That's why they thought that?

Yeah, that's how easy it was to be a scientist.

That's still what we're doing.

We're still doing that.

Yeah, and then that guy got like the Nobel Prize.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

It's like, you know, I'm going to get in trouble for this one also.

But everybody talks about climate change.

And I'm like, are you sure we're not just doing mongoloid again?

I was reading the, my mom will kill me with it, the National Geographic today, and it was like, this is a whale fin that uh has been you know this whale died of natural causes but it is said that some whales have died from the earth heating up yeah and it is like none i read all of it and none of it was like this well what's crazy to me is like like and this is not this is a joke but also maybe you're not you know they've but you know because like a couple years ago it's like bill gates who's like i'm gonna make a machine to control the weather and people are like aren't billionaires dumb he thinks you can do that it's like he thinks what that people can control the weather isn't that the whole theory behind fucking climate change?

Is that we change the weather?

Oh, wow.

Like with that.

Yeah.

So

now who's the fucking mongalloid?

Look at that.

That's a very interesting thing.

Yeah.

Is that a bit?

Are you going to make that a bit?

No, that's my, these are my actual thoughts.

I don't know how to do comedy anymore.

I've just

said that.

My brain's just like,

we change the weather.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they don't register as jokes to me anymore.

It's just my brain being like, yeah, that's it.

That's the way, that's things work.

Well, you're well, you're accidentally shifting the thing as opposed to having intentional effects.

Nobody's out there just throwing trash on the ground, being like, I'm gonna heat this bitch up.

You know what I mean?

That's it, friends.

Yeah, I'll be here just to make, just to write all that.

Well, that's why I now have my annoying point.

I go in the comment sections, I make, I make, yeah, I go to New York Times, I'm a prolific New York Times commenter.

Oh my god, this New York Times woman called me.

I think she wants me to talk about Louie.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want to hear a voicemail?

She sounds incredibly New York Times.

Yes, yeah, for sure.

Great.

Say something while I load it.

Okay.

I'm just doing like Chinese news.

Beijing markets were

suppressed today by the news.

And also, a very important thing to know is that I've been dodging her.

Just keep that in mind.

Yeah.

Okay.

She's like, yeah, I want to know why.

Sorry, I've been a little bit out of touch.

I was still hoping we could chat at some point.

Maybe next week I will follow up with the tech.

Probably easier.

Okay, yeah.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Bye.

She says she's been out of touch.

That's some stupid Jedi.

NPR shit.

Just celebrating what?

Fucking news Christmas?

Christmas for news people?

What?

She's been, oh, yeah, she's been out of touch.

She's been

celebrating.

Reporting on the Santa's.

Yeah, exactly.

I think she wants to, you know, trick me and be like, well, how's comedy since the pandemic?

Yeah.

And I'll be like, oh, it's going to, you know, and she'll be like, did Louis jerk off in front of you?

They're all snakes, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

They're all snakes.

And

journalism attracts the most vicious kind of people because no matter what they do, as long as they're typing, they can justify it as being like, oh,

this is for some sort of greater good.

It is 100% bad now.

All of it.

Everything's crumbling.

Jordan Peterson works for Ben Shapiro.

Did you know that?

I didn't know that.

No, but fuck both those guys.

That's crazy.

He was like a philosopher.

He was like a.

He was just some shitty college professor.

He wasn't that shitty.

I saw him debate.

He was actually kind of smart.

Now he's just falling apart, sobbing all the time.

Zizek, who's like,

that thing was a clown show.

Well, they were just two opposing things.

But they weren't even opposing.

It was like just they couldn't even agree on basic terms.

Right, but Peterson was good at.

Zijek speaks in complete gibberish.

And I thought Peterson was doing a good job.

translating what he was saying.

He was.

He did have.

I mean, he's like, he did help a lot of incels make their beds.

He had points before, but now he's really, I mean, ironically, he's like a trans woman now.

I mean, I know he's against it, but he's like sobbing all the time.

He's like slowly morphing into an old lady.

It would be very funny if he was like, actually, I'm trans.

It might happen.

He's made quite a little bit.

And then everyone's just wasted the last five years getting mad.

Yeah.

Just at one crazy person.

There's been a lot of paying attention to crazy people over the last 10 years that kick up.

I got sucked into this whole looking into like,

so there's the D-trans community, which is like now at sort of like a turning point.

Like D-trans, there are people that were trans or got like SRS and now they either regret it or something, and which has to be real.

You know, there have obviously some people that

that's just the way things work.

I would have been though.

I wanted to be a boy so much when I was like 13.

Yeah, there's, there's got to be, statistically, there's got to be some people that shouldn't be getting SRS that are, and I'm not going to get into a bigger argument about kids or whoever should be getting it but everybody feels the same

there has to be and then for a while it were like a couple of years ago you know like

I remember like looking into it and there's you know like those people would be suppressed by at least trans people online or you know like online mobs because it like delegitimizes because obviously conservatives are going to latch on to that and say see people regret it they shouldn't be getting it even though it's statistically a small amount.

But then you can say, okay, well, statistically trans people in general are a small amount or whatever.

But now, within even the D-trans community, there's re-trans people.

People that are, yes, yes.

There's D-re's.

There's D-re, re-re-d-transitioned people.

No way.

Yeah.

There are people who are like, okay, I want to be a boy, and then like, fuck that, I want to be a girl.

And then they're like, no, no, no, I actually want to be a boy.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like, you know, the Dr.

Seuss book where people are putting stars on their stomach?

Like, it's that.

But I I saw on Twitter, on Twitter, there's, and I don't, like, I don't even know how to not misgender.

For the, at the time of this writing, she

like posted a posted a poll and it's like, should I retransition?

And it's like, they're just going to Twitter and like an Elon Musk, yeah, Twitter polling

to see if they should get their new genitals removed and put it back on the other, the old hormones from before.

And it's, it's,

I don't know, I don't know.

It's the same.

I mean, that is the same mental illness as the women.

I mean, I have friends whose lips are becoming these insane, gobby, insane, inflated mouths.

And they just keep being like, I hate it.

I'm waiting for the Botox to wear off.

And the next time I see him, it's twice as big.

I think it is a similar thing.

I think you get addicted to transforming.

Yeah, I mean,

look, I mean, there's probably, because you want to be careful to not say that trans people are just mentally ill.

You know, this isn't.

A lot of them are mentally ill.

This isn't 2019.

You know, you can't, you can't say things like that.

But yeah, I mean, obviously

there's a certain type of mentally ill person that would be attracted to the attention you would get online.

Only not because of like changing your gender is like a crazy thing to do, but because right now, if you're a crazy person and you want attention, you can do that online and you know, you'll get attention for it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I mean, I also think that there's a lot of women who don't feel like the, they don't feel like inappropriate they don't feel like a woman They don't feel attractive enough to be a woman So then they just become a man because you can look like a piece of shit and there are a lot of men a lot of men who don't feel like an appropriate who don't feel masculine So they just transition to be a woman so they can be who they are.

Well, interestingly enough, I guess looking into it, I think the majority of the people detransitioning are

FTM.

They're women that became or they're

yeah, women are very impulsive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I think it's i don't know maybe it's i would say it's more of a passivity thing because you go to it you're like i i like wearing boys clothes and now they're like looks great let's put you on puberty blockers and cut your tits off my my friend started taking tea and they started getting like an angular face and they're like this is cool and then they started getting like a little bit of fuzz on the top of and they're like this is cool and then their clitoris started getting hard and weird and they were like absolutely not and they immediately stopped taking it and went back yeah so what you're saying is we just need to cut women's heads off.

I'm saying let women have mustaches and we're fine.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's all I'm saying.

Well, it's saying that most of the problem is in the head area.

It's they want their faces to be different and it's also their dumb brain making them make all these stupid decisions anyways.

Yeah, just get rid of it.

If we can find a way to cut women's heads off, that would be perfect.

I think that's the solution to the problem in general.

I think that's it.

I think we figured it out.

The guillotine.

I'm going to be like a right-wing guy that likes guillotines.

It's pro-guillotine.

Yeah, just joining in those twitter threads being like it's the guillotine for these guys remember when there was the head transplant did that ever happen i don't think so i think that's like frankenstein or something

you don't you remember that when there was like the scientist who was like we're doing a full head transplant i think did they try it or something i remember the face transplants are still relatively new right where the chimp ate that woman that seems to be all their fours for people who have have chimps

that's really true yeah i feel like there were multiple or live in florida is it weird that those stories and it's not with any other animal but i hear those and it makes me want to go tear a chimp's face off.

They're close enough to us that I'm like,

look, they drew first blood.

Like, if a tiger mauled somebody, I'm not like, I'm going to go kill a tiger.

But when I hear about those chimp stories, I'm like, I'm going to go rip a chimp's hands and face off and see how they like it.

What?

I just don't feel that way at all.

Oh, all right.

And you saying, is it just me?

I'm sure there's people out there that can relate to that.

Yeah, no, I do get it.

It's because they're masquerading.

This fucking nice lady, yeah, she's fucking, she took care of this chim for six years, buying him fucking Oshkosh and birthday cakes.

And then what?

She has a friend over one time and he gets jealous.

He thought they were dating.

So he rips her face and hands off.

It is crazy.

It's like something about a driveway or something.

Yeah, yeah, they were in in the driveway.

Her friend's on the phone the whole time.

I had that 911 call where she's like, oh, God.

She said, no, he's got her.

He's got Travis.

No.

I forgot about that.

No, it was her friend.

It wasn't her.

It was her friend.

Her friend came over.

She's like, you know, you know, too.

She's like, I got to go see this bitch, Meredith.

She's got a monkey.

She's a monkey.

She's not doing well.

Her husband left her for a fucking 19-year-old, and she got a monkey to deal with it.

But, you know, I'm just, I'm just, I just need to show my face.

I just need to show my face and,

you know, make this lady feel a little bit better.

Did the monkey rip her hands off?

Yeah, they do that.

They rip your hands up.

Yeah, they do.

They rip your face and hands and genitals up.

Stop.

How do they rip your hands off?

They're that strong.

They just fucking

rip your hands right the fuck off.

I forgot that it was her buddy came over to see her and then her chimp got jealous.

Everyone

thinks they were dating.

I saw a monkey in a restaurant once, and the guy was like, this is my seizure monkey.

And I was like, what does that even mean?

He was like, he calls the cops if I have a seizure.

He calls the cops.

But then I was like, what does he say to the police?

What does he say?

What is it then?

What?

When the police picks up?

It's just like 911 operator hears monkey noises and the whole SWAT team assembles.

And they're like, all right, guys, body cam's off.

Let's go.

It's time to get to work.

It was such a small monkey with a stupid diaper.

It was insane.

And he got so mad at me for asking that.

And he didn't answer.

And I just like stood in front of him waiting for anything.

And he didn't tell me.

Was it an Italian guy?

Did he have like a little accordion also?

No, I feel like the monkey was like fucking with him and was like taking pens out of his pocket and they get like a little baby.

I kind of get it, the wanting to rip the gym's face off.

Yeah.

Yeah, I forgot that he ripped her.

I forgot that the buddy came over.

That's so funny.

Oh, God, she's, he's got her.

That would be the most embarrassing thing.

Like, besides ripping the face off, like, showing your buddy, it's like showing your friend your like dog, and they like keep pissing all over.

You know what I mean?

That's like, or when your buddy comes over and your parents go stop showing off in front of your friends.

Yeah, that's kind of why I don't.

I'm not, not that I have anything against dogs, but dog owners are the shittier kind of pet owner between cat and dog owner.

Because the dog owner, they'll bring their dog over, and the dog will just fuck up your house and they're like, hey, bud.

And they just think it's cute.

And it's like, this isn't your son.

Like, you could could have left your fucking dog at home.

They just get used to that level of embarrassment.

A chimp ripping your buddy's friend's face off is your kid asking your unpregnant friend if she's pregnant.

She's just a fat lady.

That's the equivalent.

Yeah.

When your buddy has a kid, and they're like, Why do you sound like a boy?

You know,

I'm going to become a chimp guy, and then I'll go over to people's apartments and bring all seven of my chimpanzees when I come over for a visit.

Yeah, with little angel wings, little party monster angel wings on.

I've given them all Molly.

And I'm like, let's get the party started.

They're like, this is a fucking, this is a seder.

Why'd you bring seven gay club kid chimpanzees to my seder?

I hate that they can't see the movement you just made with your arm.

Let's get the party started.

Like here, like there's a door that's just going to open behind you and all the gym stuff will come in.

i forgot did that happen in florida or some guy ate somebody else's face off around that time on bath salt yeah yeah that i think that happened too there were those zombie people in florida i really hated that era of people being like well here goes florida it's like you can probably find stories like that in every state

yeah florida did have a lot of cannibalism happening in one particular year though i feel like yeah i guess so people just love to hate on florida not even like florida but i feel i feel you know i always i feel the need to defend it I thought it was hack forever until every single show I've done in Florida was, I mean, the worst festival I've ever done.

I hate people love side splitters.

Really?

I'm going, I'll be at Tampa and I'll be at side splitters.

Bad club?

I, that guy, first of all, my like go-to spank bank is that guy because I go in, he hates me immediately.

I have no idea why.

I'm like, where's the green room?

He's, I was like, do you guys have a green room?

You masturbate to him because he checks at the end of the week?

Yes, because he goes, he was like,

yeah, we have a green room.

And then he just didn't walk me to it and I just had had to find it he's mad because I didn't put side splitters on the website

and then at the end of the thing I was on the phone with somebody and I was like this dude fucking hates me

and then at the end of the trip he's been mad the whole time he's like this big guy he was like coming to my office and I like walked in he was like shut the door and that moment I was like is the are me and this dude gonna fuck and now that is my like go-to is a dude who hates me he's like shut the door you're gonna get punished for not putting this on your website so I hate that guy but also every time when I see him, I'm like, Yeah, I've jerk-offed you every night.

Really?

Mine is: I'm playing a giant organ, and I'm surrounded by chimpanzees wearing

spanking their bottles.

Yeah, they're screaming, and I'm playing fucking Bach on a giant organ, and the organ's sucking me off.

Yeah, it uses the woo-woo-woo!

There's a tube, yeah.

One of the one, there's one note I press that sucks my dick on the organ.

The organ sucks your dick or the giant dude?

The organ does, yeah.

I'm not a fucking freak,

I'm not some fucking weirdo.

Yeah.

Oh, but you were talking about voicemails.

That little trumpet guy, he, you know, he did the show.

That guy.

Yeah, we pay people for doing that.

Tell Adam that he'll end up looking like that if he doesn't fix his posture.

Oh, Adam knows.

You've told him.

Dude,

just the stills, like, I'll tell you, the funniest part,

just the stills from the Adam Friedland show, watching Adam interview people, is much funnier to me than the the show itself.

Yeah.

It's just seeing Adam all like crumpled up.

Why does he crumple like that?

I don't know because he's just he's got no bones, dude.

We shot

a little thing the other day and he had to take his pants off and he just has

it's like a like a like an aunt's ass.

I want to see his ass.

There's just no, they've never produced force his legs.

They've only been used for walking.

And have they walked very far?

I I don't think so.

What is his parent?

What do his parents look like?

One is just Gumby?

Yeah, kinda.

Yeah, I guess.

His dad's a little stockier than he is.

Shorter.

Shorter.

Stockier.

And his mom is like...

His mom looked like him, I think.

Just a wisp.

Yeah, kinda.

Huh.

Pretty lady.

Rest in peace, Evelyn.

Oh, she did die.

She did pass away, yeah.

And he's with his dad now in in South Africa.

Does his dad have a South African...

Can you do South African?

South African?

Yeah, but not right now.

Is that what he sounds like?

Is that what the dad sounds like?

Yeah.

It's good to see you, Addie.

Wow, no way.

Yeah, he's like that.

He sounds like that?

He yells like wild thorns.

He's always screaming.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's probably why Adam's always whispering in the low vogel vry.

Yeah, because he doesn't want to sound like that.

Oh, wow.

Interesting.

But he's talking about voicemails, that trumpet guy.

So he did the show, and, you know, we pay people for doing the show.

It looks like somebody took his spine and pulled pulled it through his ass, like it was connected to the top of his head.

It looks like he doesn't have a spine.

That's what I mean.

Like it pulled down and crumpled him into a he looks like a mascot for pants.

He looks like fucking Dockers was like, we need a fucking cartoon character to advertise pants.

And he would wear the pants, but his face would be out of the crowd.

It's just a talking pair of pants.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

But the,

so that guy, he did the show, and

Dave, the producer, he like, all the invoices go through Dave now, and he just prints them out puts them nicely on my desk and i cut the check from there rather than me having to go through my email looking for invoices and um who's dave dave's new no yeah dave's the producer i don't know if you met him or not oh i saw him in the video with that gun that you point around yes is that gun still there yeah it is but i've i've rigged it up to the spotlight so wherever i point the gun the spotlight points did you need something to hold on to so you use the gun What do you mean?

Did you need a swivel point so you're like, I'll just put this gun on it?

Or did you like think this is?

Oh, no, I I mean, I just did that as a joke.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, no, we were just, I was just bored, it's pretty good, yeah.

No, I mean, fucking around with those C-stands and arms is fun, it's like an erector set,

and you can just slide the gun in and then it pincers down on it, yeah, yeah, it just clamps down.

You can go play with it if you want to.

I do want to play with it, yeah, we'll do that later, we'll set that up, but anyways, Doug, he uh, Dave tells him, you know, like he leaves, and he's like, oh, yep, check's in the mail, we'll have that sent out to you, you know, um, shortly.

And, like, like the next day, Doug is leaving Dave voicemails.

It's like, when you do business with somebody, there is an understanding that there's only one thing that matters and it's cash on the barrel.

And we had an agreement and my father was a litigator for 50 years and he's starting, he's like talking about suing us for not paying him in a timely manner.

First of all, everything's like net 30.

But like Dave just didn't tell me.

He was like, yeah, like Doug's like freaking out or whatever.

And I'm like, what do you mean he's freaking out?

He's like, you know, he's like, I told him we'd pay him.

And he's like he played the voicemail for me i'm like look this guy's insane you gotta like

how long did you make him wait i didn't make him wait at all as soon as i found out i called him and i just zelled him the money but but i had to talk to him on the phone and he's like he's just he is nuts he's and he lives in new york what is he he lives in a little house yeah i guess he lives in battery park dave went and picked him up oh who lives in battery park that's crazy yeah i mean i think he's like independently wealthy or something i think it's you know he's is he gonna be mad that you talked about him i don't think he's gonna listen i don't think he knows what show he did i have a lot of people who owe me money right now.

I have Louie owes me money, the Vice People owe me money, and Corden.

No money given.

I actually owe a lot of people money, but my printer broke.

You're pretty good with paying money.

Yeah, right now I can't because the fuser on my

cheap Amazon laser printer I bought 10 years ago.

It broke.

And instead of buying a new printer, I've just completely disassembled that one.

And I'm like, oh, I'll just fix the fuser myself.

What's the fuser?

A laser printer has a, there's the toner, which is like a wheel with like

sort of like a, like, like, it's just particles.

It's ink like particles that are just adhered to it.

And then there's the drum, which is like, I guess like some sort of like photoelectric charge in it.

Yeah.

That that's like this, the, like what it gets pressed that that is like sent to, I guess, cells or something on the drum that like sucks the ink off, the toner, and then that presses onto the paper.

And then the final step is that goes through another two drums that are heated and that like melts the ink onto the page but it was wow crazy you just order that off amazon that whole contraption no i just ordered a laser printer off amazon years ago yeah

well that's a it's a printer i know but it's just crazy that all of that just gets shipped to your door but it's just a that's just what's i know you just it just was a lot going on a lot more than i thought in a laser printer yeah what did you think was happening i don't know just

Just printing just kind of a some sort of light going across the page ink shows little Keebler elf writing it with a pencil.

Yeah, yeah

doug levinson is in there i don't know what i thought i thought color ink just dipped into something and got stamped on can you open the back door my pants are caught in the in the feed tray

excuse me

why would you brain immediately keebler elf

what's that why did you have keebler elf so fresh on the mind that that was the first thing to come out

just a little keebler elf well because they're tiny living trees i mean what would fit in you know what there's only a hand There's maybe three things that'll fit inside of a laser printer and do the work.

A key bore elf, a Lego man, a gremlin.

What else?

A Smurf, maybe?

What else?

How big is a Smurf?

I would imagine they're...

I have always pictured them very tiny.

Want a borrower to get in there?

For the borrowers from that movie?

No.

What?

With the big fat guy from Roseanne?

Little tiny people under your.

It was a great movie.

Don't watch it, but it was a great movie.

It's a movie about Adam's stand-up act.

Why?

Because he steals material.

Oh, I see.

Does he?

Sort of.

Yeah, sometimes.

Just snags it?

From you?

From other people.

You know, yeah, in general, I guess.

I heard that Lawrence guy stole one of his closers from somebody.

Lawrence of Arabia?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I heard about him.

Yeah.

I don't know his first name.

Mark?

Mike?

Mike Lawrence?

Ma Mike Lawrence?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Is he even still doing stand-up?

I don't know.

Mike Lawrence, like last I because, you know, I mean, he was a comic.

That's all he did, but then he got into writing and then he moved out to LA and got married and had a family.

Now I think he just wants to write TV shows and have a family.

It is crazy when you see comics at a certain level have a kid and it just is like you watch just like a death receipt over their life that they have to deny to people.

I mean, some people work that way.

That's what we tell ourselves because we don't have families.

No, but some of them you really see.

Yeah.

You really see them.

That's my favorite game is sitting around with my sad friends drinking, and you look at a guy who's like smiling with his wife and kids.

And you're like, what a

piece of shit.

Look how fucking this guy hates his life.

I just went to an acupuncture with a guy who doesn't have kids, and I was like, I need to have kids.

Yeah.

I mean, it was bad.

He's like this old Jewish man.

He was like,

I laid down.

He's just putting needles in your pussy.

He's putting needles in me.

He's like, he's literally being like, he's doing muscle testing.

So he's asking me, he's like pushing on my arm, being like,

are you insulin, allergic to insulin?

Are you allergic to grass?

Are you allergic to whatever?

And then he just starts skipping ahead where he goes, is she allergic to anything in book number one?

And I'm like, who are you talking to?

And he's like, your inner intelligence.

And I'm like, I haven't read that book, dude.

Your inner intelligence?

Yeah, my inner intelligence.

It was crazy.

And then he starts telling me about how this 34-year-old just dumped him because he doesn't want to have sex with him anymore.

And he's like 60.

something years old.

And then he was like, I never had kids, but you know, there's so many things I would miss out on.

And I was was like, Yeah, like this craft that you've perfected.

Yeah, that's crazy.

I feel bad for that 34-year-old woman.

I know that guy just rolling on top of you at 7 a.m.

Do you want to have sex?

Yeah.

She's like, No, he's like, Well, off to stabbing people all day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Off to my stabbing job.

Yeah.

You can fix your sexuality with needles.

Real quick, I want to mention this episode is brought to you by the good folks over at Ridge Wallet.

Ridgewallet.com, promo code ComeTown or Come Town20.

I'm going to take a look at their website here.

They got a lot of

fuck.

You just have empty weapon holsters behind you.

Oh, yeah.

If there were weapons in them, I would feel better about it, but the empty is kind of.

There's a knife around here.

There's a couple of guns.

Upgrade your everyday carry with the slim, durable, and guaranteed for life Ridge Wallet.

Now with the key hider.

Also, the thingy they got.

And they got, oh, they got this.

This is a little caterpillar yellow.

Oh, nice.

nice tell them to send one 24 karat gold uh oh it's not yellow it's gold and it's next to a ring that is that does look gold so that's kind of that's weird photography that's very sure but I actually like their website a lot when I had that t-shirts to shop which will be coming back just I'm going to do a test run and sell the remaining stock of the

That

ah real monsters guy holding his balls over his head instead of his eyes.

That's what I think Ian looks like is that guy.

Oh, really?

He looks so much like that monster with the eyes.

Well, he looks like Nigel Thornberry.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yes, he does.

Yeah.

Remember, Donnie?

What was that?

Was that a racist thing?

Remember, Donnie?

Doug?

No, Donnie, their little like feral child.

That was like,

I don't, I never watched the show.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Personalize it.

Make it your own.

You can get stuff on here.

This guy got Roman numerals.

That's pretty cool.

What is that?

113

mm.

What is that?

2013?

Right?

MM, 2013.

113, 2013.

What's happening?

What's the significance of that date?

No, look.

It says personalize it.

Personalize it.

That's his date.

That's the date he wants.

With Roman numerals?

113, 2013.

What happened that day?

1

yeah, January 13th.

This is, again, folks, this is a read for RidgeWallet.com.

It's somebody's birthday.

We're

what, in 2013?

You're buying a wallet for a seven-year-old?

Oh, maybe.

January 13th, 2013.

It's for somebody's anniversary.

It's the 13th day in the Gregorian calendar.

British troops captured Fort Peter in St.

Mary's, Georgia during the War of 1812, so that's not it.

Okay, here we go.

What happened on this day, 2013?

The Golden Globes.

It was the day Daniel Day Lewis won for Best Actor.

Oh, that's sort of a weird coded sort of message.

That's cool.

Famous des Russi Surte, Indian cricketer, who's an Indian slow lefty,

did a hatch.

Are you reading something?

Yeah, this is all, these are things that happened on January 13th, 2013.

What is slow lefty, like a Native American?

Like a retarded communist.

Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

The guy was like, I just think healthcare is a human right.

But he's Indian also.

um so he died

yeah um

yeah let's see music charts historical figures

this is a pretty shit website what happened in the fucking news god somebody commented on my video thing no thank you necessary all right

do you remember that no that was the first time i did come down and you i told a story about this little

Down syndrome girl who came up by me

no thank you necessary I completely forgot about it and somebody just randomly commented it it was such a little easter egg yeah okay so on january 13th 2013 egypt overturns mubarak's conviction and india arrests six for another gang rape i love that headline india

india arrests six for another gang rape

yet another indian gang rape look at that guy look at that guy's face it's like a smear now that's an indian slow lefty if i was yeah yeah left side slow um at ridgewallet.com too by the way you can get your indian gang rape wallet customized to You can get a customized

wallet to commemorate the arrest of six for yet another gang rape in India at RidgeWallet.com.

A lot of gang rapes happening in India.

Yeah, they got watches now.

These watches look nice.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

How much is that watch?

Let's see.

Shop now.

I try not to say any of the prices on the show.

Well, you can tell me in Roman numerals.

It's okay.

XXIV.

Challenge accepted.

Yeah.

XXXLIV.

Three.

No, no, no, hold on.

XXX

L X X I

oh fuck hold on no wait hold on X X X

X C

what's C

wait hold on

no no no I did it wrong so

C C C what is C it's a hundred oh okay yeah so C C C

IC

395.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's too much.

That's why I don't read the prices.

But no, look, they got watches.

They got pins.

They got bags.

I wear the backpack.

They sent me the backpack.

I've been using it for years.

How much is a wallet?

The wallet, it depends.

My wallet is a paperclip right now.

It's a problem.

Yeah.

No, the Ridge wallet is great.

I love the Ridge wallet.

I use it every day.

I use the the backpack every day.

This is the best travel.

I pack all my shit on there.

Um, you know, I travel with that.

I go to a weekend on the road, I get everything I need: one extra pair of underwear,

fucking Caro's LBJ biography, yeah, no toothbrush.

That's it, that's everything I need.

Yeah, it fits in there, yeah, nice, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They got a lot of these.

We got the Royal Black, gummetal, carbon fiber 3K,

forged ember, All right.

Yeah.

Forged Pacific, red carbon.

Let me see forged Pacific.

Porridge Pacific.

Okay.

Yeah, they're good.

I like the carrot gold one.

I like them.

You know, I'll just email them and see if they'll just, I can, I can hook it up for you.

Hell yeah.

Because I had a bunch of them.

Microcene would ask for them.

Microcene like hounded me for a Ridge wallet.

Really?

Yeah, he was like, yeah, can I get one of those wallets?

You know, and I gave it to him, you know, but it was always like, are you, I'm by your house if I could come by and get the wallet, like that kind of.

Wow.

And then I gave him the wallet.

I only had a couple of them, and I was giving the family as gifts and stuff.

But, you know, whatever.

I like Mike.

I'll give him a wallet.

So I gave him the wallet, which I wouldn't even.

He gave it to somebody else.

I wouldn't even mention this.

No.

I think he threw it away.

No, he did not.

And then he goes on stage talking about how much he hated it, and then he disparages me by name for giving it to him.

No, he does not.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah.

That's a mongoloid.

Well, hold on.

Because I'll say this in defense of Ridgewallet.

The reason Mike hates the Ridgewallet is because it reminds him he doesn't have any fucking money to put in there.

Yeah, yeah.

It does have a certain width to it.

Yeah, right.

He can't handle that.

He needs a shitty old wallet that's filled with pictures of other Italian people.

He needs a wallet that is contained by more just wallet.

Yeah.

That's all that's in the wallet.

He needs something that gets as fat as he does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With fucking receipts.

Yes.

With

receipts, he thinks.

We should just call them Mike Receipts.

Yeah, yeah.

Elizabeth and Mike Receipts.

Yeah, I gotta pay.

I might have to Venmo him after this this because I owe him some money.

I can't get that printer going.

But anyways, ridgewallet.com, use promo code ComeTown or Cometown20.

You get some kind of discount, shipping, something like that.

I am interested in these pens.

I got a lot of pens.

Yeah,

lots of different kinds of pen.

Our ad person gave me AirPods.

Oh, yeah?

Isn't that crazy?

That's crazy.

Right before Christmas, perfect gift to give to somebody.

I kept them.

Patreon, which, by the way, if you enjoy the Adam Friedland show,

we're branching out into YouTube.

We got Kyla posting clips on there because a lot of people don't know this is a talk show now.

And there's four or five episodes you can watch that are on the Patreon.

They're so good.

You can find clips of the show on YouTube if you'd like.

You go to youtube.com slash the Adam Friedland show, I think.

There's some on there.

But if you want to support the show, go to patreon.com slash T-A-F-S and sign up.

There's multiple tiers because

right now, I think the only benefit to signing up, I mean, you'll get to see the links where they're posted immediately, but

also

you can get your name and the credits.

Oh.

Yeah.

Because somebody rips them all off and puts them somewhere else.

There's got to be a way to incentivize the thing

more in line with the credits thing.

People will pay money on your Patreon if you put up clips that you don't put online of your stand-up.

No, I'm not putting my stand-up on the Patreon.

Okay, what if you put bloopers?

Yeah, I guess we could do bloopers would be great.

Honestly, I have no idea.

I would pay for bloopers.

When we made $200 on the Come Town Patreon, I was like, I don't know, this is what?

Yeah, I don't have any sense of what.

Why are you doing this?

Yeah, it is crazy.

And then to think that it grew to where it did, I mean, it's like, I don't get it.

I don't understand anything.

So one of my moms was like, should I get the Patreon?

People will criticize me about the show.

They'll be like, Nick has no business sense.

It's like, yeah, no shit.

I'm not a fucking businessman.

Yeah, the tears and everything.

They're like, we need to organize tears of Patreon.

Yeah, I'm not going to sit around and be like, hey, Bill Gates is really bad at doing impressions of Indian people.

That's not his thing.

That's not the thing that he does.

It's kind of fun, though.

I said I would bleach my asshole on the Patreon.

Yeah.

I would bring the camera crew in, not to show my asshole, but show me getting it bleached.

I think everybody should bleach their asshole white.

You should get it airbrushed by like a Latina.

Like what?

Like a

Miami?

You know, like

Elmer Fudd with like a fucking beanie and a pendle ticket.

Oh, like put the bleach only in special words?

No, initially I was thinking just painting the asshole white with an airbrush gun, and I was imagining like a Chola doing it.

Oh, like a paint, car paint.

And then, yeah, now I'm imagining Elmer Fudd.

I'm imagining them, like,

shit painting

off the like, you know, dark purple asshole color, revealing the white baby pink.

Oh, like, power washing.

Power washing my asshole.

to have Tweety Bird or something.

That'd be cool.

Yeah, that would be cool.

I was laughing.

Imagine a professional VO actor, but like all he does is like fart noises.

Like he makes the best fart noises.

And so it's just some schlubby guy in like just like a shitty white Joe Boxer t-shirt and like gray sweatpants.

The professional.

Yeah, but he's got like a scarf on.

Like he's like from the neck up.

He's like Lee Camp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Little fedora, and he goes into the

VO office and they're like, so good to see you again, Mark.

He's like, hey, how you been?

He does warm-ups and stuff.

Right.

You go in the booth and they just have a very expensive microphone.

He just pulls his pants down and puts his asshole directly up to it.

Oh, and he's the far cy out of his asshole.

Out of his asshole, yeah.

And then an engineer being like, okay,

really good, really good.

Let's go again.

And

can you slay it again?

I'm sorry, but let's go again and

maybe like

you know, like we want a little squeak, we want one squeak and then a long,

yeah, and that but like think about like you're you love Cheerios.

You love Cheerios while you're you know like you're so excited to eat the Cheerios that you're shitting yourself.

Got it, got it, got it.

Okay, we'll go again.

Hi, this is Mark, and I'm shitting for Cheerios.

Shit to believe.

5'7, Brooklyn, New York.

Yeah.

Wait, hold on.

Wait, what was that?

That was your impression of a fart.

Yeah, yeah.

That's actually because I just scooby-doo-doo-doo-doo-dozed three days with my mother who farts in vowels like that.

It is in, I will hear her downstairs and it's like,

it's crazy.

And the only person I know who farts like that is my roommate, Mike Roland.

And one time I had them in the house at the same time and they were having full conversations through farting.

I couldn't get up because I was laughing too hard the entire time.

It was one was downstairs, one was upstairs, and they were just

there's something wrong with their assholes.

That is truly disgusting.

They're splayed.

There's something wrong.

There's some way that they're washing their assholes or they're sticking their fingers in.

There's something is spreading it, and that is what's coming out of them.

It's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

I was a kid.

This is how fucked up my brain is.

I used to wonder if other races farted, like they had accents out of their asshole, also.

Yeah, like Chinese people would be like,

you know what I mean?

Like,

you have like a

you know, like

um but no, that's not what do a Mexican one what would the Mexican one mean?

And the black guy

It's just DMX.

Yeah.

Hey, that's good for me.

Oh, boy.

It's just little jungle.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

It's just Chris Tucker being like, Do you not understand the words that are coming out of my ass?

Yeah,

it's good.

Yeah, it does make you wonder.

Like, Curtis Mayfield probably had nothing but squeakers.

Oh, for sure.

Oh, Curtis is here.

Curtis, is that you?

Curtis, get in here.

I don't know.

Shit, you went to Taco Bell.

That's so good.

My niece is ripping ass now, and it is the funniest thing because her ass is that they have this little dog and this little girl and the dog girl will just sh fart right on the dog's face.

It's the best.

And just what?

The k the dog feels disrespected or the dogs?

The dog's like ears go back just a little bit and it's enough to have me just down on the ground.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's really, it's funny when you can elicit an emotion of like offense from an animal.

That's always the funniest thing in the world.

Like managing to like I could sometimes I'll be able to say something to my cat that'll like get her and she'll be like shocked and insulted.

And I know she can't understand.

I was telling my mom about how funny it was that you live in this apartment that was like crazy at one point, and you with your spider brains in there, but then you just had the most delicate, sweet butler woman of the cat.

And she's like so dainty.

She's like a cat that your like sweetest aunt would have.

And you're such a crazy person.

And I'm like, what is this cat is amazing?

What's her name?

You're like, doesn't have any name.

No, she just lives there.

She's the best.

Yeah, no, she's a good cat.

Yeah, it's winter.

but it's like you're her cat.

She spends, she looks abused now because she spends in the winter, she spends all of her time just in one tiny corner.

Why no, because she's so cold.

Well, there's a pipe, yeah, I don't have a thermostat.

The downstairs neighbors control the heat.

You can't feel, yeah.

I mean, there's nothing I can do about it, but there's always a pipe for the thermost, like the radiators.

Yeah, I know the pipe, the danger pipe, yeah, the hot the one that has killed babies in New York before.

Yeah, so she just sits by that all day long.

You should get her a little bed.

Did she have a little bit?

I did.

I put a little cushion down for her, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

All right, so she can sit by her danger pipe.

Or so they say

they're fucked up.

The pipes are fucked up.

All right, so you had sex with your stepsister, right?

No, not.

Oh, oh, oh.

You think it's fucked up to have sex with it?

What if you're not?

As late as you told me.

Like, you said, because I was like,

it would be better if I was 13.

I would imagine.

That's when you make a mistake like that as a 13-year-old.

No, you think about it forever.

You lit, and then you, you know, you come to age, you get attractive, then you're you're not a Molgoth anymore.

You think that's fucked up?

Yeah, I mean, well, look,

if it's you're fucking Sydney.

What if somebody's like, I'm in love with this person, and we found out what the word cousin is.

The cousin thing's fine.

That's how that's first of all.

They're blood related.

That's the story of Europe.

That is a story.

We wouldn't be speaking this language right now if it weren't for people fucking their cousins.

I'm convinced that there's some sort of incest going on in Missouri.

That's the thing.

People used to disparage West Virginia or Arkansas by saying that they're like cousin fucking states.

And it's like, oh, I'm sorry that they carry on the tradition of the continent.

What am I supposed to laugh at them next for?

Listening to Mozart?

You can't do that.

That's like if I went out downstairs to that black dude who's in the front hallway, put a chain around his neck, and I was like, what?

What?

You want me to stop doing

what we've been doing?

Why?

Because it's slavery?

Yeah, because you're saying that because it happened long, long ago when people couldn't travel to a different family's house, that it's okay for hicks no they would arrange it they would have wars over it i mean all the royal houses were based on cousin fucking what do you mean what that's what would maintain the order in the continent forever is they would arrange marriages between cousins oh i see you're saying that something that is so repugnant now was something that was like a mark of yeah yes yes yes yes did you have but the

I forget the document, the guy who does this, I can't even believe it's his job.

He just goes and interviews fucked up people.

But he went to like an incest house, like a a really hick one.

And it is the most fucked up shit I have ever seen.

I mean, it's a whole family.

One of the guys is so inbred that he just can only mimic the dog.

Like every time the dog barks, he barks.

It's crazy.

And by the end of the episode, he like talks a little bit, but then the more that the guy probes, the more he starts turning into a dog.

It's really fucked up.

And he's a product of incest?

Oh, yeah.

They all.

What's the name of it?

The guys are like hanging out of their heads.

It's a book and it's a film.

Roses in the Attic

about the incestuous brother and sister.

I don't know.

I will watch it.

That's like my.

Is it?

No, Flowers in the Attic.

Flowers for Algernon?

There's the ballad of Jack and Rose or something where dad fucks his kid.

What, from Titanic?

Yeah.

Roses in the attic.

Yeah, it's Roses in the Attic, I'm pretty sure.

Flowers in the Attic.

I always think it's surprising that more brother and sister don't do fucked up shit.

Like once you get to puberty and you just know that dude over there has a dick and you have a vagina, how does that not happen more?

It probably does happen more, and people don't talk about it, and they just.

Wait, hold on, is there incest in this?

What am I thinking of?

Am I just I'm thinking of, maybe I'm thinking of the blood of the volsongs.

What's that?

It's a short story by Thomas Mond.

Oh, he's great.

Yeah.

That has incest in it?

That, yeah, Blood of the Volsongs.

But why do I think

Flowers in the Attic?

Both in their puberty, while their twins are showing you

Oh, yes, no, sorry, Kathy and Chris develop a, so that it's about orphaned children that live in the attic.

And a year later, Kathy and Chris have both entered.

You're going to get like horny off this, I know.

Totally.

But a year later, Kathy and Chris have both entered puberty.

While the twins are stunted from inadequate nutrition and lack of sunlight, with no other outlets, Kathy and Chris develop a romantic and sexual attraction toward each other, though they do their best to deny their feelings.

The grandmother catches Chris staring at a half-dressed Kathy and punishes the children by cutting off their food supply for over two weeks.

While the children pray, their mother will reappear in time to save them.

On the verge of starvation, Kathy and Chris decide to escape, but the twins don't find help.

But before they go through the plan, the grandmother begins to bring food again, including a rare treat of powdered sugar donuts.

Constant illness, year passes.

Oh, here we go.

Yeah, here we go.

One night, Kathy discovers her sleeping stepfather and kisses him.

When Chris learns of the kiss, he rapes Kathy in a fit of jealousy and rage.

So that's like,

you know, that's right up your alley.

That's great.

It's rape and incest?

Yeah.

What's it called?

Flowers in the attic.

Yeah.

I'm going to be

watching that with my flower in my attic.

Tell you what.

Damn.

Rape with a bro.

I mean, that's ideal.

Yeah.

That's everything you want.

Just having to read that.

I feel like I'm going to have a fucking stroke.

Just because you had to read?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm getting like hot flashes or something.

It's hot.

It is hot.

It is hot.

It's way hot, and

everything, I just, I don't know how to layer properly.

So I'll wear like...

I think he's taking off a fleece and I'm revealing a just completely.

I'm completely nude.

What is that?

What do you have there?

It's just a sleeveless t-shirt.

Is it a band?

Yeah.

Which band?

It's InSync.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you remember that?

I see the guys, yeah.

Yeah, Joey Fatone.

I was a big Joey Fatone fan.

I was a huge Lance Bass fan until I found out he was gay.

That kind of destroyed my world.

Yeah.

It can really fuck you up.

Why?

I used to drive.

I felt dwelling with my mom.

The fucking F-350 with dually's covered in Lance Bass.

You did not?

Yeah, covered in Lance Bass stickers.

How old are you?

13.

Old?

I started driving early.

I passed the test early.

Oh, okay.

I was driving it, like, I started driving when I was eight, and then I got my learner's permit when I was nine, like way ahead of everybody else.

And then they can't give it to you if you're not.

Yeah, no, I did.

I proved it.

And I had, yeah.

So when I was...

You showed them your your dick look at this when i was nine years old when i when i was nine years old yeah the head covered in pubes just

reverse pube situation and i'm like

have you ever seen anything like this

give me a drop of slice just pull your dick up help

i need i need an f-350 but dually's and i covered it in lance bass stickers and a bunch of racist stuff also yeah yeah it's like the only thing i break for is taking a break from be my wife to say say racist stuff, pal.

And then I found out Lance Bass was gay, and I donated the car to Israel.

Oh, to ISIS.

No, to Israel.

Oh, to Israel.

Check cars for kids, yeah.

Oh, nice.

That's really nice of you.

Yeah, Lance Bass now.

They like him.

They don't know he's gay.

Oh, Lance Bass.

Lance Bass.

What about the guy who don't, his car got taken, sold, and ISIS had it, and his car company was on the side of it?

That was a real thing.

That's news to me.

And somebody somebody saw it on the news and was like, fuck you, Dave.

I want to get a job on CNN or Fox News.

I want to do ISIS.

Primetime anchor, and then after every story, I go, that's news to me.

That is pretty good.

That's going to be my catchphrase.

Yeah, the catchphrase.

Ian was convinced he had a catchphrase in that hot dog suit, and he kept trying to make it work.

It was wild.

Ian's got to be the dumbest guy we know.

Truly, I mean, of all, like, in the world of comedians, which are pretty dumb people, Ian's got to be the dumbest.

I'm also realizing I am very dumb.

There's some word I was trying to write the other day, and I was like, this is drawing.

I wrote drawing with an L like nine times.

Drawling?

Yeah.

It was nuts.

That's all right.

I make mistakes like that all the time.

I think we might be stupid.

Yeah, we're stupid, but we're not like, I'm going to get a hot dog costume and say cowabunga.

And that's going to be, that's going to be my ticket out.

I can't tell if I'm stupid.

Some people are like, like, you're so smart.

And then other people are just shocked at how dumb.

Yeah, but the people that tell comedians that they're smart are like, that's

barely functioning,

you know, like people.

I know.

Somebody came to a show and they're like, that was genius.

And I was like, you have to

do more stuff.

Right.

You're like, what do you do for a living?

They're like, I watch the security cameras at Shoppers Food Warehouse.

Yeah, totally.

Do you catch anybody?

Never once.

Not once, but you, you're something.

Yeah, you're a genius, so.

I'm trying to.

There was another stupid thing that I did.

I can't remember.

No, I think I'm getting dumber by the second.

I mean, even trying to, I was trying to read that National Geographic, and it was so tough.

It's just pictures of titties.

It's just pictures of seals and titties.

What do you mean you tried to read the National Geographic?

I just, like, can't focus on reading things that are, like, information.

I mean, I can read nonfiction, but if it doesn't pertain to something I'm interested in now, I can't do it.

I'm like an older person.

I mean, I can only read nonfiction nonfiction at this point.

Yeah, fiction, I feel the same way, but I have to be interested in the non-fiction.

I've been reading the

I started that Caro LBJ series

and he's like amazing.

I wish I'd read it years ago.

What is LGBT

lesbian, bisexual, and all of that?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.

That's what I thought you were saying.

Yeah, what is it?

He's the 37th president.

Oh, now you're doing the whole thing where you're eventually going to get into World War II and then you'll be.

No, World War II is for fucking losers, dude.

People really love it.

Guys that like World War II are not into history.

Yeah, it's just an easy soap opera.

Yeah.

It's just a very easy thing to follow.

People were like, I mean, dude, I saw a Vietnam veteran on the train today, and he had a prisoner of war pin missing in action, and he just was the coolest looking dude I've ever seen.

Just this gnarly black guy wearing all black, nice clothes.

And then he was just next to this gooey, autistic

fintech

monster.

And it bummed me out so much.

And I could see this black guy just looking at this guy.

And he's like, he's like holding his phone.

And he's like, you know, if he was, because black guys can get away with stealing valor.

They can do it.

No, you could see he was like proud.

Like he had like other badges and it was like a veteran.

The video I want to see is a Uyghur veteran calling out a black guy for stealing valor.

A wigger veteran.

Like a wigger white guy.

Who's truly a veteran?

Who's actually, he was in Iraq.

He's like, yo, son, my friends died in Fallujah.

And now you're going around looking like this.

Bro, that ain't cool with me.

I don't think they're veteran wiggers.

We'll find them.

We gotta find them.

But that's what when I have my British satirical television series, that'll be our sketch.

That's so good.

The guy yelling at the legless black guy.

Yeah, we thought about it, and it's like, you know, because.

The irony, I see.

The irony of it is you go

this man, and he's acting like he's a Caribbean.

What is going on with the white World War II veterans?

Where are they?

I think that now, yeah, there can't be that many of them left.

The black guys last longer.

That's why you see way more of them.

World War II black guy veterans?

You mean Vietnam?

Vietnam black guy veterans.

Vietnam guys are still alive.

Where are the white Vietnam veterans?

I think they all were.

I've seen them.

I've seen them.

They were in Vegas.

They were all bikers.

We would point at them and go, Nick Mon.

That was a fun thing.

Oh, those guys.

Yeah, those guys.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, I had so much fun.

My memory of that weekend is that I sat at Dick's for 12 hours.

You did, was it?

Yeah.

The bartender ripping on you.

We had the one server who couldn't make fun of you because I think he was a fan.

No, I charmed him.

But you wanted to feeling true.

Dude, I talked to you.

I talked to like Adam,

I don't want to put him on the spot, but we'll talk about girls.

I know, but like, you know what I mean?

We'll talk about girls.

And he's like, isn't it like, it's like hotter to trick a woman into sleeping with you with your personality?

And me, never.

That's just dating a woman.

Well, that's charming people.

And I'm not a charmer.

I'm not like a, I like to put in no work.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Outright with it.

Yeah.

Like, do you want to date?

And they're like, yes.

And then that's it.

Another autistic person.

That's perfect for me.

But he's like, you know, you want, you know, like, to like charm somebody?

Like, you know, that you know that you like you like attained something or got something.

That's the way he describes it.

And I don't have that instinct.

You don't have to do that.

You're not Adam.

But you don't have goo bones.

Going to dick's last resort and charming the waiters so they can't be mean to you.

That was crazy.

He would short circuit every time.

He'd be like, you little,

and then finally, when we paid the check, he was like, all right, you guys, thanks so much for coming in.

You guys enjoying the festival?

Yeah, yeah.

No, just being like, you're doing an awesome job, man, the whole time.

Just buttering them up until they can't do it anymore.

That was so funny.

And somebody put that cat,

the thing on an Asian kid and had some Asian slur on it.

Yeah, no,

it just said Asian slur.

It said something like that.

It said something like that.

Yeah, it was crazy.

I'll find the video.

That was nuts.

And then ours was like, our pussies are huge or something.

The place rules.

Yeah.

I love Dick's Last Resort.

Every business.

There should be that.

There should be a Dick's version of every business.

I just found you in there just sitting at the bar, and that woman was just throwing plastic cups at your face, your dead face.

Yeah.

That was the height of the laryngitis, too.

Laryngitis, one of your eyelids was coming down.

That whole weekend, I sounded like a black-eyed asshole.

That's how bad the laryngitis was.

Yeah, your voice was fucked up, but you could do Alec Baldwin.

Can you do it still, though?

No.

I mean, I can approximate it, but I was Alec Baldwin for like two weeks.

That's great.

I love when I lose my voice and you get the Tara Reed slot voice, you immediately become a whore.

I've never had it.

That was the first time I ever had it.

Oh, wow.

I think I never saw a slot.

Well, I was.

I love Dick's Last Resort.

No, I can't do it.

That was good.

This restaurant.

No, I can't.

There's like something else.

It was just further down in my throat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This restaurant has raised over $150 million for retarded people.

Yeah, it's just not there.

There's like an extra.

I need to hear his voice.

I need to hear his voice.

Put that coffee down.

Coffee's for closes.

What a crazy fucking career this man has had.

Alec Baldwin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love him.

I don't care that he murdered that lady in cold blood.

He was doing a bit.

Yeah.

It was a good bit.

It was funny.

Let's hear him.

Oh, his eye.

He's got eye pockets that are really.

You don't keep coins in them.

Look at those eye pockets.

Yeah.

I mean, I look like that now.

That could be a while.

There's all kinds of civil litigation, and

I thought there were a number of misconceptions.

Oh, okay.

It's a little more effeminate.

Yeah.

Well, he's trying to be warm and apologetic.

You know,

civil litigations.

I was wearing a diaper at the time.

And I don't think that has been taken into account

in a lot of the reporting about

the incident.

What did he do?

He fired a blanketer?

Yeah, he fired a gun.

But it really, from what I've read, I mean, we've mentioned it on the show plenty, but it really doesn't seem like it was his fault.

There was like, I guess, like some PAs or something took guns from the set and went off set and loaded live ammunition in them and were like shooting cans.

Oh, yeah.

And then a gun wasn't properly cleared when it was brought back on set.

That's Ian.

That's Ian's future.

Yeah.

That PA who puts that.

Ian, you've ruined my life.

You're doing the inner world.

No, I'm doing Alec Baldwin.

No, because you're dropping at the end.

And he.

Alec Baldwin.

Is that it?

Is that it?

No?

Don't just lift your head up.

Alec Baldwin?

Yeah.

Because it has like a.

Have you ever heard Curtis Mayfield's ass?

S.

I think it has like a little thing at the end.

S.

S.

S.

Is that it?

Okay, go again because now I'm picturing go again.

Ian, have you ever seen Curtis Mayfield's ass?

Softer S's.

Ian, have you ever seen Curtis Mayfield's ass?

That is good.

That was better.

I think it's quite...

I think it's a little gay.

Yeah.

Have you ever seen Curtis Mayfield's ass?

His ass.

You know, when I was doing Michael Douglas, I had to figure out that he pronounces A's as E's.

Who?

Michael Douglas.

It's not really intuitive.

Like, when you, like, he doesn't go, like, do you want to see my ass?

He doesn't say that.

He goes, do you want to see my S?

I don't know who Michael Douglas is.

What do I have to do?

Pull my pants down and show you my S?

Wait.

Show you my S?

You want to see my S?

You want to fuck my S?

You know Michael Douglas.

Let me see him.

Tell me what he's in.

You want to fuck my ass?

Give me.

Dude, I don't know anybody.

Oh, yeah, Michael Douglas.

Wow, yes, good.

I just found out that the the Foo Fighters lead singer was the drummer of Nirvana.

Had no idea.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Dave Grohl.

It was awful.

I was hanging out with my favorite hardcore band, and it was unveiled that I didn't know that.

Humiliating.

What is your favorite hardcore band?

It was Incendiary.

Oh, okay.

Great band.

And you were, like, humiliated?

And then you had to go run off to the business.

They were making fun of how little shit that I knew.

And they were like, oh, yeah, you don't know that the Foo Fighters.

And I was like, what?

He is?

And they were like, please stop.

And I was like, it's true.

It's real.

The hardcore thing is funny because then halfway through the set, they're like, you know, I'm going to rape your mother and start a revolution.

But then they are all,

they're like straight edge.

So then they'll be like, all right, we're going to stop the show.

And

if you guys want to donate, all of the merch money goes to Briar Patch Little Lamb Farm.

It is great.

And then they go back and they're like, fuck your mom's asshole.

It's nuts.

Were they friends with Dave Grohl?

No.

No.

No, not friends.

Have you ever met Dave Grohl?

No.

Have you met Dave Grohl?

No, no, no.

Why would I meet Dave Groll?

I didn't even know who he was.

I was just trying to ask.

I met Kid Rock with Louie.

Ready for this?

Yeah.

Okay.

I was on tour with my feature, Jake.

Jake leaves

Velasquez.

Oh, no.

Very good comic.

Adorable.

The best.

Have you met Jake Silberman?

No.

He moved here from Portland a couple months ago and he texted me.

But he's like, he's a monster.

Really?

Really good comic.

I've heard his name a bunch.

Yeah, yeah.

But anyway, Jake was like, they were like, we're going to let a couple fans back here if that's okay.

And I was like, yeah, that's cool.

Then Jake left.

Woman comes in.

I think there might have been a little touch of the downs.

I know that I'm sensitive to that, but I really like that.

At the Kid Rock concert?

No, no, no, no, not Kid Rock.

It's my show.

And then she punishes me forever.

She just like talks to me for days and days and days.

I can't get out of it.

Jake comes back in.

I'm like, fuck you for leaving.

I hate you.

You can't leave.

And then with Louie, we're at the Grand O'Opry.

Louis is like.

You know, Bargazzi's there and he's like, I'm going to, I am with Kid Rock.

But then Kid Rock proceeds to bring in like a massive entourage of people.

Kid Rock came in, introduced himself as like Bob or something.

And I truly was like, oh shit, I think I know you as one of the, and I realized I like thought he was like a homeless person I'd like seen before.

It was crazy.

And then he

lives there, right?

Yeah.

And he had this entourage of like women that were like, you'd be like, I think they might be hot.

And then you got close and realized they were very old.

Really scary group.

And I left.

And then.

They just punished.

I mean, they just were, Kid Rock was being like, you talk about politics.

How come you don't talk about this whole thing going on with Trump?

And Louis was like, truly trapped in the seventh circle of hell.

And I abandoned him, and he was really mad at me.

That's not your fault.

I know, but I just, there is a true thing that if you dip out.

Honestly, too, Louis probably deserves to be cornered somewhere and forced to listen to somebody jerk themselves off in one way or the other.

I would rather have somebody rape me in my ass than have all of those people being like, so why don't you, you cover hard-hitting topics and you're standing rough.

Yeah.

But yeah, Kid Rock, entrage of people.

Very strange Ranger.

Very small.

Yeah, I would just, I would try to make it even worse for him.

Like, have you ever considered,

why don't you ever say think like Kid Rap?

Kid rap.

That makes more sense to me.

That's what we should have done.

He probably did do something like that.

Did you have to think about whether to call yourself Kid Rap instead of Kid Rock?

You're doing Kid Rock talking to Kid Rock.

Yeah.

Have you ever...

What was that decision like?

Next time Adam Adam takes a vacation, I'm going to try and get Big Guess.

You can get Kid Rock.

I'm going to get Kid Rock on.

I'm going to interview him and be the dumbest talk show host of all time.

Yeah, but then you're just Z-Way.

I don't know who Z-Way is.

Z-Way

is that is the like, I don't even know what she's doing, if it's ironic or not.

It is ironic, but she just asks questions.

That's the other thing, too.

Now, not only am I old and I don't pay attention to anything, but now all the names are like, I have no idea.

Is this even a person?

Z-Way could have been a robot invented by honda that just asks people questions totally with that i hear that name i don't imagine a gender a race i have no fucking context i think she's like a i think she's like a black woman who's married to like a white guy this is more this is news to me because that was like a blank chet hanks you know chet hanks yes tom hanks's son who talks in whatever it's called he's a veteran yes right and yeah she you know she he goes on he's the best guest that she's ever had because he she was like it's not okay that you speak with with a Jamaican accent.

He was like, why?

She was like, you really don't see why.

And he was like, no,

it's my favorite thing to do.

It's the only thing I do all day long.

He's the best.

What am I going to do?

Be like, oh, I'm ready to do my taxes.

I love when white guys do the black guy doing a white guy.

That's my re-trans.

That's your re-trans.

Yeah.

Yeah, I watched Chet Hanks' videos for so long, but I got on stage and broke into full Jamaican for like a year.

He's like a 32-year-old guy recovering from being a wigger, and he has to relearn how to talk white.

And he's like, well, it's a beautiful day here at McDonald's, ladies and gentlemen.

I believe I'll have the hash browns and a coffee.

A white guy code switching back to code switching.

And they're like, Why are you talking like that, dude?

And he's like,

I'm trying to escape my past.

I live with black guy, white guy.

Black guy comes in, white guy starts talking in full black guy.

Really?

And then I walk in and they both short circuit because the black guy has to code switch to me and the white guy does, but they both know that they were just talking in full black.

I turn into like an 80-year-old when I have to talk to black people.

Like my mom who accidentally said colored the other day?

No, not in that way, but I'll be like, well, how you doing, fellas?

You know,

I become like an old-timey, like a soda jerk guy.

I don't know why.

Because you don't want to go.

The worst thing to do is to slip.

Yeah.

All of a sudden get the.

Yeah, I'll be like, oh, gosh.

Yes, golly.

Yeah.

That's what you have to do.

Well, G.

Willikers.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Heavens, the Betsy.

That's very close to saying the Edward, though.

Yeah.

You'll just slip into that.

You're trying so hard to not talk black that you call me inward.

Yeah.

There's nothing less attractive than when you're dating somebody and then a black guy comes in and they start switching.

You're like, it's over.

I got in trouble for it when I worked at a car dealership.

We had a hotline.

So like everybody's phone in the office would ring.

And whoever got the phone first, that was your sale.

So I got the phone, but they record your calls.

And my boss called me into the office one time.

He's like, I want to play two calls for you.

Okay.

And you, why don't we listen and I'll tell you what the problem is.

Oh, my God.

So they have me in the first one.

It's like clearly some white lady.

I'm like, yes, we certainly do have a CRV on the lot.

And then if you want to come by, we can set up a test drive, no pressure, you know, but it's like pretty aggressively priced.

So, you know, it might go pretty quick.

So if you, if you can come by today, I'll be here all day, you know, whatever.

And then some guy calls and he's like, yeah, I'm calling about the Lincoln Navigator.

And, you know, I was like 18 or whatever.

So I'm like, yeah, I got you.

I got you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

But hold on.

I came into that from like selling phones and selling Nextel phones.

And so I would do that at work because I had to.

That's how you like God sales.

So like I'd like, I'm like, yeah, this is how you sell shit to black people.

But somebody playing back to me.

Yeah, playing back.

That's the meanest thing you could ever do to me.

He's like, this is highly unprofessional.

I'm like, I'm meeting him where he's at.

What a joy to be that boss, though.

Dude, no lying.

When I sold Nextel phones and you get some fucking guy with tattoos on his face, and you go like, look, man, we're all out here.

I would say that.

He's still pronouncing it.

We're we're all out we're all out here dude we're all out here together so i'm not gonna fuck you i'm not gonna fuck you over i promise you this is the deal oh god it's bad i'm not gonna say out you that's not happening managers do it yeah managers will switch with their black clients oh i one of my old managers i heard him pick up a call from what's the black guy's name from curb

um michael jordan jb smoove

oh okay yeah and he picked up the call while i was in the office and i mean this is like a 55 55-year-old Jewish man and dropped fully into Black Voice.

It was unreal.

It was crazy.

Like, what's so smooth?

And I was like, no, we can't.

I can't work.

I can't.

The first manager I ever had, he sent me an email where he used the word ballin.

He was like, he was like, all capital letters, ballin, or something like that.

And I was like, yeah,

thanks for the help, but I don't think we can work together anymore.

It's crazy.

I was like, I'm just done with this.

I love immediate, immediate deal breakers like that.

One time I was laughing so hard on a train with this dude.

I couldn't, because we got in the train, big fat guy wearing a tiny helmet.

And we got on the train, and the guy I was with said safety first.

And I like, I couldn't control myself.

I was laughing so hard.

And the second I got off the train, he was like, I don't think we should see each other anymore.

And I was like, yeah, too shady.

I couldn't.

The guy was wearing a helmet on the train, huge fat guy.

He kept falling asleep and his head would tip and the helmet would hit just the side of the train.

I saw the fattest guy in the world on a

crane.

Yeah, this was months ago.

He was on it.

It was a truck that has a crane attached to it.

And

he was sitting in the control chair on top of the crane.

And I mean, you're going to love that.

I mean, you got to see this guy.

It's unreal how fucking, how fat this guy was.

It's going to take me a minute to find it, though.

So

sorry, everybody.

But I got to show you this on this audio podcast, this picture of a fat guy that Jordan may or may not laugh at and that you guys will not be able to see.

How fat is he?

I mean, I'm telling you, you're going to love this.

You never see fat old people.

That is a real thing.

They die quick.

Yeah, because you're not, I mean, that's like you're really doing damage to your body being fat as shit for an extended period of time.

It's like being on.

Are you fucked a big fat lady?

All right.

Well, I guess not really.

I mean, sort of.

Here, look at this guy.

Where is he?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

He has a fat roll around his head.

Yeah.

No, this guy's easily five, six hundred pounds.

Oh, my God.

And he's plopped up on the highest point of the tallest vehicle in a tiny chair.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

And he's just working these controls and spinning around the whole time.

The chair like moves while he works the crane.

He lives up there.

You bring him food up there.

He's the king.

Yeah.

How did he get down?

I don't know.

I couldn't.

I saw it.

I'm like, this is unreal.

I believe we have the TV show My 600,000 Pound Brother or whatever it is.

What is it?

My 600,000 pounds.

There's a lot of them now.

That's crazy.

My thousand-pound sisters.

There's now the thousand-pound sister.

There's not a thousand-pound people.

Together, they're a thousand pounds.

But even on my 600-pound life, like that was the title of the show when they started it.

And then half the time now they're like, you know, they bring the little doctor and he's like, we weighed you and you weigh 897 pounds and we have to get you down to

700

pounds or we cannot do the surgery.

And but every day you do this, you kill yourself.

Every day you do this, you do damage to your body and you die.

Are you thinking of one particular person?

No, that's how he talks about it.

All of the doctors are like that?

Yeah.

Oh, there's only one doctor on the show.

Do you not know the guy?

I don't watch the show.

I can't believe that people watch it.

Yeah, I watch it all the time.

I love to.

Do you remember the little guy?

And okay, did you watch

what's it called?

Love on a Spectrum?

Yes, but not a lot of them.

Do you know the man who they had in the most recent one who just is a little turd with a little face drawn on it?

He's a little fat round turd.

Ian got him to do a happy birthday cameo.

And what was sent to Ian was just black.

It was just black.

And you could hear a ceiling fan going, and somebody just

there.

We go, Dr.

Dr.

Now's most savage moments.

Hello, Dr.

Now.

How are you all doing?

Oh, my God.

Surviving.

Surviving, huh?

So, is that why you missed your last appointment?

You just have your bypass about two months ago, and when you

were down to 546,

so you lost only nine pounds, it's that.

But Renee has lost almost 50 pounds at the same time.

And she hasn't even had her bypass yet.

Don't what in the world is going on with you?

I guess I'm eating her own things.

You think it's funny?

You have a gastric bypass.

I had a gastric bypass.

To lose weight.

To lose weight.

And you're not losing weight.

I don't eat.

a third what I ate before I asked you.

Okay.

You're asking me questions and I don't understand them more more than you understand.

What are you talking about?

You're choosing to overeat and you think it's okay?

No, I don't think it's okay at all.

So, what is going on?

I guess I'm not eating the right things.

I mean, we gave you the instruction that you need to follow, and you have to follow it.

You played your parts right until you got the surgery.

And now you're playing this kind of game, and you think that's okay.

I'm worried.

This is me acting, too.

That's my line delivery.

You play this kind of game you think it's okay

yeah then we we shoot stuff and in my head

in my head i'm leonardo diaprio and then i watch the playback and it's that it's funny you do this

you do why you do this you do this you do so much this even though you get sad and it buddy do this

what is this funny to you it's not

on saturday and then on sunday come and your ass is inside out adam's a very good actor i was surprised to see.

Yeah, he's getting better, too.

It's good.

Yeah.

I was really blown away.

Both of you guys.

It's fun.

It seems fun.

It is a lot of fun.

What have you done?

What characters?

Just Dracula.

It's you and Dracula?

Me and Dracula so far.

It's nice when

it goes back to you because then you realize how good the acting was.

Yeah, I will hopefully do more characters.

It's a lot of fun.

I mean, it's weird because it's like, you know, we want to do, like, we're trying to transition to video stuff, but it's like you would, it's not like you can't just jump from riffing on a podcast to doing

you did jump though you have good bits in there

yeah but it's like it's a whole new thing you know it's like i mean it's like

you know it's just a completely different fucking thing so we have to figure it out while we're doing it like hardcore makeup

like what is it called no i mean

like anything else it's just a matter of practice you know so the more we do it we'll we'll figure it out but if we could give you prosthetics make you into a a little Down syndrome girl,

that would be incredible.

I don't know.

That's the plan.

That is the plan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to play the copper tone girl, but she has Down syndrome, and the dog is pulling down the bathing suit in the front.

Yes.

She's falling backwards, and the dog's, and you can see her pussy.

That's great.

That's going to be the cold open for next week.

And it'll pause and it'll be like copper tone.

Yeah, copper tone.

Nice.

Yeah.

Is it going to say copper tone or something else?

It's going to say copper tone.

Okay.

We have a deal with him.

Oh, nice.

Well, not yet, but I'm going to show that to him and be like, what do you think?

He'll take it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was always a crazy photo.

Taking Coppertone in a new direction.

People have jacked off to that.

Yeah, of course.

For sure.

Yeah, it's a pedophile.

Little butt.

It's a pedophile company.

Or a little cute butt and the little naughty dog.

The Scotty.

The Scotty, naughty Scotty?

Yeah, a little Scotty dog.

Well, thank you for joining us this week.

We're going to wrap it up.

This one, wow, this is a long one.

And happy new year, folks.

Thanks for listening to the Adam Friedland Show.

If you're still listening to this right now, I still have tickets available tomorrow throughout the weekend, New Year's Eve.

I will be at the San Jose Improv.

Tickets have not moved.

I did not realize how close San Jose is to San Francisco, so I'm sure if you're in the Bay Area and you already came to that show in San Francisco a month ago,

you're not coming to this one.

But if you wanted to come to the one in san francisco and you couldn't

please come out it'll be a good time um i have to throw out the hour i was doing on the road this last year and build a new one so this will be uh it'll be loose might be bad but it might be volatile let's say that yeah that's what you want raymond for volatile we'll try to have fun try and rip something out try to have a like a fun a fun new year so let's get fucking let's get uh

you know let's do right with god let's get right with god i was gonna say fucked up, but I don't want people bringing drugs.

Do people do that to you?

They try to kill you.

People have like tried to barrel onto the stage with a bag of mushrooms.

Yeah, no, don't do that.

Pretty on mushrooms and violent.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Come see me in Detroit.

Where are you playing in Detroit?

Detroit House of Comedy is a bad.

Don't tell me it's a bad.

I only know.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I don't know that club.

I only know Mark Ridley's.

We'll just come out because it'll be fun if people come out.

Come after that in Detroit.

Where in Detroit, is it?

I don't know.

I've never been to Detroit.

Really?

I want to go to a car museum.

I love Detroit.

Really?

I love cars, so I think I'll love it.

Do you?

Yes.

I didn't realize you were a car guy.

What?

I love cars.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

That's why I made you explain how an engine works.

Well, you would know that if you liked cars, I feel.

I mean, I understand engines, but I don't understand all the pistons and all the firings and stuff, but I do love cars.

I've always had cars.

Yeah.

I've had cars that are cool.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know?

Awesome.

Well, yeah.

Your guy picked up my motorcycle.

A giant man.

Chris?

No, a different man with a long pizza ginger beard, huge, like motorcycle dude.

JD?

I don't know, but he.

Fucked up teeth.

I don't know.

I'll show you the picture of him.

Okay.

But Chris was like, he'll be over to grab it.

And then he was like, how many CCs?

And I was like, 250.

And he like laughed.

ha ha ha ha for so long.

And then it was like, he'll just strap it to his back.

And now he's trying to convince me to make my motorcycle into a chopper.

Yeah.

So I have to be like, Chris, do not put gorilla, whatever they're called, eight bars on my tiny motorcycle.

Yeah, let Chris do it.

I don't want to be this person.

I'm already.

I love that guy.

Have you hung out with him a lot?

No, but through text, we're best friends.

Dude, he's the greatest guy.

He's the best.

He's the most affable guy.

He's like the friendliest guy in the world.

We should go and hang out there.

Yeah, for sure.

Because he's there all the time.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Definitely.

He's getting married to that hot lady, Agatha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

I don't, I don't know if I'm going to say their names or whatever.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, they're not comics.

You know, I don't want to like.

Oh.

You know what I mean?

Well, they don't know who it is.

They have private lives or whatever.

They're not in New York.

Leave them alone.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're fictional characters that I made up.

They're both characters Shane Gillis does.

So you can just ask him about those people instead of.

Yeah, go to him.

Yeah, go to him.

All right, guys.

Thanks.

And I have to walk around the stage to turn the recorder off, so I'll do that now.

So there's going to be five seconds of dead air, and then the episode's over, folks.

Okay.

Should I keep talking to them?

You know,

join Patreon.

Today on Hey Culligan, sustainability and better water.

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