Ep. 012 – TAFS OKC

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Don't treat me like a fucking asshole.

Yeah.

Look, I'm a reasonable person.

Yeah.

Until you're not reasonable.

Until they push you.

Okay, well, all of that was recorded.

So

whatever.

Ian's talking tough.

Talking tough with Ian.

Welcome Tough, Walking Tough.

Talking a real tough.

Talking Tough with you.

Welcome to Talking Tough with you.

I'm Ian on a co-production with the Adam Friedland Show.

I'm your host, Adam Friedland.

It's Friedland?

I've always thought it was Friedland.

You say it the other way.

I'm not a fucking diva about it.

Let me just make sure.

You're just a diva about everything else.

No, I'm not.

Okay, so yeah, the original.

This is the original.

Is it your diva, Adam or Ian?

What are you talking about?

I'm a diva.

Well, you came in and you were like, I have to push my meeting back to 4:30.

Yeah, well, I have a 4 o'clock meeting that I'm pushing back to you.

Guess what?

By meeting.

You're fucking Angelica's mom from Rugrats.

Yeah.

It's a tattoo appointment.

Tattoo appointment.

Okay, it's a tattoo appointment, which is a meeting.

A tattoo appointment you refer to as a meeting?

Very

wow, wow.

Very self-important.

I didn't think you guys would get back to my timeline, so I said meeting.

Anyway, guys, just like the Adam Friedland show.

Let me start the show.

Let me start the show.

Let me start the show.

Welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

I'm your host, Adam Friedland.

Today, Nick is off this week, and I was up till 3:30 getting out the last episode last night, so I am fucked right now in my ass.

But joining me, the original cast of the Adam Friedland Show.

This is correct.

Yeah.

We are the original kings of comedy, the three of us.

Boys are back in the town.

The boys are back in town.

So I thought while Nick was out this week and while

I could have

fun with some boys, I get the original cast back together, a little reunion concert for everyone.

I love it.

You guys like that?

And just like the last chaos.

You can't smoke in here.

You can't smoke.

You can't smoke in here.

You can't.

Dave, Dave, tell him not to smoke.

That was a goofy.

Ian, did you meet Dave?

No, who's Dave?

Dave, come out here.

Dave.

Dave, come out here.

You got to meet this guy, Ian.

He's very important to us.

Thank you.

Give Dave the microphone.

Okay, yeah.

So, Dave, this is Ian.

Ian with it.

And Ian, Dave has to do anything we tell him to do.

So have fun.

You know, he's got nice long hair.

He's a cute young boy.

He's a happy trick.

This is my homosexual friend, Ian.

I was doing sexual.

Yeah, he's

homosexually fluid.

So I just wanted to

you can smoke in here if you want.

Can we?

Yeah!

I'm fucking told you, Adam.

I actually don't know.

We might

smoke in here.

I don't know about the

rules.

I've smoked in this building before.

I did a photo shoot in here.

The guy let me smoke.

Yeah.

They have different offices.

They do this fucking photographer.

Also, we've smoked in here before.

I've smoked outside.

We've smoked when it was completely open.

We have fucking flats in here now.

We have a set now.

Yeah, that's true.

We smoked out the window, and Nick doesn't know about when we smoked in here.

No, no, no.

No, one cigarette.

One cigarette.

All right.

Fair.

And we all have to ciph it.

Yeah.

This is what I'm doing because it's when daddy's away.

When daddy's away, the kitty cats will play.

Yeah, Nick is off this week.

He has come into the office six times, despite being off.

And brought in a chair he found on the street.

No, it's a nice chair.

He found an Eames chair on the soft pad Eames chair on the street.

Good on it.

It's got a rip in it and a homeless guy with some fucking

dope in his arms.

It's not a rip this whole time.

It's paint, actually.

I would get it checked for bed bugs.

Call Roscoe.

Yeah, whatever, dude.

I'm not afraid of bed bugs.

Have you ever

had a bunch of dogs?

No, no, no.

We can't have three bogeys going at once, bro.

All right, fair.

Fair, fair.

Dave, bring the air purifier out here.

Dave, air purifier now, you fucking twink.

Wow, so this is...

I like having this is completely off the rails.

Kind of like our episode of Be and Ian, if you remember.

Being Ian with Jordan.

Patreon.com/slash B Ian pod.

Sign up.

It's so much fun.

We're having a blast.

And you know what's funny?

Adam is a legitimate millionaire, and I go, can you get me a banana?

Uh-huh.

No banana.

What I have for you guys?

Sandwiches.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Slippers.

When did you ask me?

He's a millionaire, but he's not your slave.

When did you ask me for a banana?

Yeah.

When did you ask me for a banana?

In the text.

Red.

I was in therapy.

I told you.

I had therapy at at one no no this is at like two now what do you talk about in therapy adam yeah today i talked about i just honestly i used to talk about my family i haven't talked about my family in like five months i literally just talked about the show okay yeah the show yeah i said i was like today it was and you say the show's going very well and i love working with nick mull and everything no right now we're we almost blew it like four times what do you mean we've had so many false starts yeah like the show is like and like literally like you you guys know you guys are my friends like we made a public statement that we were going to make a television show, and we have no idea what to, we have no idea what we're doing.

We're fucking idiots.

I think you're figuring it out.

I think you're building something.

I think you're building something big, you know?

Well, yesterday we had and we're honored to be a part of it.

Yes, a loaf of bread takes a lot of lives

to build.

Okay, we don't have to talk.

We talk enough about the fucking herky-jerky nature of this show.

But yeah, we very quickly launched a show once we had the set, and we were like so excited by the set, we thought that the audience would be razzled-dazzled by it.

And then we kind of realized this.

This is like, you're gay.

They suck.

You guys suck.

You're lazy millionaires.

Well, here's the thing.

No, okay, may I be a millionaire?

Let me say something.

May I say something?

Oh, yeah, you should say something.

What?

I'm not a millionaire, also,

not even close.

So, yeah, but we'll be able to do that.

Someone knows, man.

Someone we know might be.

But I'm a specialist.

May I say something, Adam, as a friend?

Yeah.

Also, we're not making a lot of money right now.

We're like spending all our fucking money.

How much money do you make a month?

We've spent, bro.

How much do you make a month?

Everything that's left over.

Literally, everything that's left over.

We spent over like $200,000 at this point.

Uh-huh.

Just on the money.

How much did you make this month?

I have no idea how much.

Patreon went down.

Oh, it went down.

How much?

How much does it make now?

It went down like $10,000.

You should go down even more.

You should go to Offer Smokes pod.

Yeah, Patreon slash podcast.

So the BetterPodcast.

You got a comedy podcast.

Yes.

B and Ian.

B and Ian with Jordan, the better podcast.

Patreon.com slash B and Ian.

Because no one listens to the show anymore.

So head over to B and the show.

The show is the button.

And patreon.com slash Alfred.

AlphaSmokes.

It's an incredible show.

Keep your money somewhere else.

Yeah, really.

People that'll do something with it.

There's children.

Actually, you'd be supporting a child if you

need it to my Patreon.

And with my Patreon, you'd be supporting two children, me and Jordan.

Oh, yeah, that was good.

We need more children.

Yeah, that was good.

The heart of it.

Here's the thing.

Wait, wait, here, here.

I I love.

Sorry.

You make more money than you deserve.

And here's the thing: you have a lot of money.

Things are good.

Things are great.

The fact that you can spend $200,000 in this economy.

He's got a young girlfriend.

I just have an old wife.

Yeah, he's got an old wife for tits or saga.

No, they're great.

Like, I literally do not talk.

I literally do not talk to you.

Please follow my wife on Instagram.

Jesus Christ.

She's on the next episode of BEM with Jordan.

Yeah.

And baby Benjamin.

It's going to be a barn burner.

More people.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Let's see.

I fucked her on Sunday.

No way.

Really?

Let's hear about that.

Good for you.

Adam, may I say?

No, let me finish.

First of all, like, when I talk about this in therapy, it's not about that.

It's about the fact that, like, we, like, it's there is so much fucking to do, yeah, and we don't know what we're doing.

It's, it has nothing to do with money, dude.

Honestly,

I just want to do a good job.

Yeah, so

what are you doing actively to make that happen?

Start a schedule, wake up, put a list of goals,

what you want to do for the budget.

What the fuck up?

Look, when you're presented with solutions, you don't do it.

Instead, you want to complain to a fucking therapist who's just like a friend you pay for.

You want to complain to your two poorest friends.

Yeah.

Ian, like, listen.

And, may I say something?

Oh, my God.

You're in a great place.

Listen, friend.

You're in a great place.

You guys are making money.

You're blessed with $200,000 to put to this studio.

You're well liked.

You're well-liked.

I'm not complaining about it.

Dude, it honestly, like, the thing is, it's literally has nothing to do with that.

The anxiety is, is that we just, like, literally, like, I'm working really closely with my friend.

We're together, like, when he's not on the road or I'm not gone, like, we're together fucking seven days a week here.

And there's a fucking, like, huge emotional aspect to it where it's, like, half the time we think it's all falling apart and we think we've fucking failed.

And, like, it's just about, like, you know what I mean?

What's the worst case scenario?

Like, if this thing fails, what's the worst case scenario?

Failure, it's not, it's not, like, honestly, and it's very bourgeois to say this.

It's not about the fucking...

If it was about the money, we'd just keep doing fucking Calm Town.

Yeah.

Right?

But, like, it was, it was like, I don't want to put out a product that's not good.

It felt like shit after a while.

Yeah.

Like, for the last, like, two and a half years where we were just like, this is just something that we're doing that we like, we really, our hearts aren't in.

And now, like, actually committing yourself to trying after, like, after your brand for six years was like, we don't fucking care.

Fuck you.

You know,

that is like

changing that perspective and actually like trying to like you know, and then just like seeing fucking these fucking some of these clowns being like, How hard could it be to make a talk show?

I can do that, you know,

you know, that's that's the kind of shit that's like just may I say that's to my earlier point, you know, it's just a lot harder to like care about what you're doing.

That's that's what I'm saying, and like legitimately, I will say this publicly: Nick and I legitimately do care about this, and we want to do a good job.

Clearly, look at that.

Whenever

you're can I just say something, yeah, yeah, You say you care, care about the product and what you're doing rather than what the people think.

No, no, no.

Let's just get back to doing some good riffs.

What about the men's warehouse?

And the guy's like, you're going to like the way you look.

I'm gay.

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah.

And then if he was retarded, he'd be like,

the retarded men's warehouse.

And then if he was Chinese, he'd be like, you ain't going to recognize it.

Right now at the retarded men's warehouse,

two suits for $500.

I'm going to get so much pussy.

Suits may be larger because you can't grow fast by bead, and it does not come with a helmet.

There's

killer stuff right there.

Come on, let's get back to it.

Yeah, let's get back to doing what we love to do.

The riffs.

The original.

The riffs, the bitch.

What I'm saying is, don't let other people influence it.

No, it's not that.

Why do you put a pause on it?

People love you.

We're not putting a pause on it.

Like, last night's episode, I think, is the best thing that Nick and I have done.

And, like, we worked really hard on it.

And I was at our editor's house.

You got a lot of your plate.

I was at our editor's house until fucking 3:30 last night, waiting for this shit to upload to YouTube.

And then they're like, we both run podcasts.

We know how it is, man.

It sucks.

But you got to look at it.

I'm not complaining.

That's what you've been complaining.

I want to restart this episode right now.

No, I'm really pissed.

I think it's been good.

I'm fucking pissed.

I'm not a part of men's warehouse.

I'm going to be upset.

No, I'm really.

No, it's just like Nick and I actually now have decided to care about what we're doing.

And it is like, that is a real shift, like mentally.

It is.

And being vulnerable, it's tough.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And then it's just like we do.

We really want to do a good job.

And then we realized, you know, we hit a wall a couple weeks ago.

We're about a month ago where we realized we're like, we can't do this, the two of us.

Like, we need infrastructure.

Like, we have Dave here now.

We have a fucking, we have a researcher that's like doing all the interview prep for us now when we have guests.

That's great.

You know, like, and then we have like, now we have like DPs and like people that are coming in and we have grips and like people that are actually coming in to do it so that we can just get back to the risk.

Because like Nick and I, for a while, Nick and I were just trying to do everything on our own, and then we were like, we're going to fucking kill ourselves.

Well, you can, I said, you can hire me to clean the studio if you need to.

Hey, it's cleans.

Did you see?

Look how nice it is.

A dumb man knows it all.

A smart man knows when to say, I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about, dude.

You're going to get a fucking ska tattoo in 20 minutes.

Why you have a fucking money?

You already have a ska tattoo.

Yeah, you're going to go get a tiny titanium.

You're going to go get another Ska tattoo in 20 minutes.

Me and Jordan are getting matching wolf tattoos next week.

Jesus Christ.

You need to do stuff that bonds you together.

Just get married.

Yeah.

No.

No, no.

Nick and I are like, we're working really well together.

It's just like, you know, like...

Are you?

Yeah.

Like, we're like, I'm.

If you and Nick got married, do you think it'd make the relationship?

I wouldn't.

Never in a million years.

That would be the show.

It would be a Chuck and Law Camp sitcom.

Adam and Nick are married, and it's you guys in the house.

And Adam's like, Nick, are you going to eat?

I worked really hard on this meal.

And Nick's like, I'm too busy looking at numbers.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

I mean, that's the thing.

Adam, you didn't clean my race car.

Adam burning the roast again.

Nick beats him back.

On this week episode, Nick and Adam deal with domestic abuse.

No, no, no.

I'm really happy to be.

to be working with Nick.

I was built to be a wacky neighbor.

I can be your wacky neighbor.

Yeah.

Some time to change it.

Hello, Adam.

Let us just make this.

It's really fun.

I mean, like, zoomed out.

And, like, it must be so annoying for you guys to even hear this.

And I feel embarrassed even when I talk to my girlfriend.

Why are you talking to the crowd?

Talk to us.

I'm talking to you guys.

I'm saying the two of you.

It must be really annoying for you to hear this, but like.

No.

No, no, no, because it's just like.

What else am I going to do?

Sit with my thumb up my ass?

I'm here.

We're having to do it.

Your thumb is like, literally, do you see it?

He has literally a fist in his ass right now.

I know.

Incredibly,

waiting around for us.

Hold on.

Now it's up to the elbow.

Yeah.

Dave is going to talk to HR and

be like the weasel man was fisting his ass.

Can you, can you?

It's Dave's fist.

It's Dave's fist.

Yeah, no, no.

I mean, like.

Have you ever seen fisting videos where they're literally punching an asshole?

And it's like,

no.

No, I watch like, you know, like BBWs and do you subbed any OnlyFans?

No.

I go into an OnlyFans

hay-hole where I like blackout.

I see someone.

Yeah, yeah.

Can I see your feed?

Yeah.

Sometimes I'll look at my credit card store and I go, wow.

I've seen OnlyFans before.

It kind of sucks because they're.

I mean, it's like, I can't judge.

Here's a seven.

It's basically what we're doing.

It's basically what we're doing.

What?

OnlyFans?

Yeah, it's just like podcast.

Oh, dude.

It's just crowdfunding your asshole.

You got to see this dude I followed named Lil Baby Anthony.

guy.

Yo, he.

Oh, we thought you had like normal OnlyFans.

I do.

Here, ready?

Alex, she's a girl.

Nikita Kanika.

He's a big fan of the dad.

Wait, wait, wait, just show me.

Jordan Rain, hot Asian.

Lil Baby Anthony, this motherfucker.

All right, let me just scroll.

What's up?

I just want to see the UX.

Dude, nobody takes a dick like Lil Baby Anthony.

He literally cum falls on the floor.

He scoops it up and puts it in his butt.

He just loves to please.

Yeah.

Oh, it's a man?

Yeah.

This is something that's

sort of jammed out in like an Atlanta glory hole, but he only does black guys, so I mean, trying to work on his face.

He didn't have that 50 years ago, but he's.

Yeah, I think he's on hormones, getting tits.

Oh, he's like, dude, watch one of the videos.

I'm scrubbing it.

It's just

look at that.

What are the fellas do this?

He goes

that dark chocolate dick.

Mmm.

Check them out.

Yeah, so on this episode, we're watching Gay Porn with Ian.

This is what Ian jacks off to, and then he goes and reads the New York Post.

Yeah, and then he's like, yeah, he reads like,

he watches this and he's like, but what about black on black crime?

He's like, you know, this video reminds me of black on black crime, actually.

The video that I just jacked up.

Yeah, that is black on white crime.

I know.

Look at that.

So this lady is just a hot Asian girl.

It's a boy, Lil Baby Anthony.

No, Jordan Rain.

I'm looking at it.

Oh, Jordan Rain.

She's a hot Asian girl.

She's a squirter.

And

here's the thing.

Why do you pay money for that?

You can go on pornhub because I like to support women.

Are you friends?

It's nice to support the individual person.

It's nice to go straight.

Have you met these folks?

You know what they do for a living?

You kind of

wait.

She posted this guy can't even get a bone or something.

I know.

They shame him sometimes.

It's hilarious.

Lil Baby Anthony goes, uh this guy comes over every week he comes quick so i have him lube up my ass to come for the other guys and i'm like good plan baby anthony yeah that's that's that's funny

look at that right all right who's this

Alex.

Let's see her thing.

She got fat nanners.

Dude, look on the side.

The only reason, okay, the only reason to get this, right, is if there's a girl you sort of know.

No, no, no.

I don't want to do any girls I know because I don't want to.

Oh, I found out what her boobs look like.

No, no, you're not supposed to know what your friend's boobs look like.

Nah, but she's not your friend.

No, I'm not saying it's a girl you sort of know where you're like, I can't just ask her.

Look at this.

Here's a big girl.

So this is a big girl.

She's a big fatum.

She's a fatum.

So you're like into all different things.

Dude, my dick is a United Colors of Betanton.

It's not Betanton.

What is it?

Bennett.

Benetton.

Whatever.

This girl's not even hot.

Yeah, how much money do you get?

This bitch.

Wait, so if you support B Ian,

no.

Yes.

Patreon.com slash PE and Pod so I can be a paycheck to love PG Anthony.

Oh, this lady.

Look how long this lady's balls are.

Oh, dude, that's Supreme North.

She's actually a prostitute, and I got to a place one time where I was going to get her, but I didn't.

Her balls hang low.

Okay.

Why'd you say it like

that?

Why do you say it like pain?

Why do you say her balls hang low?

Because look at them.

I send them in my first chat.

They're the saggiest balls I've ever seen.

She has really long balls, this lady.

Yeah.

See, you find fun stuff on there.

You know?

But I don't know.

I'm not going to comment on.

Go for it.

Her face isn't that nice.

That's okay.

If you didn't comment, that'd be messed up because now you're commenting and you're treating them like a human.

Ian's like, wow, I love jacking off to this girl.

I just just hope she doesn't play sports.

I hope she doesn't try to play sports with the women.

Or I'll be really fucking upset.

I'll be really fucking upset.

But not in a girl's bathroom, you man.

You better not teach my kids.

Yeah.

Wait, so then you, then it's just like regular buff guys sucking a penis.

Who, Jalen?

Jalen.

Yep, I knew it was Jalen.

He does a thing where he puts his camera at the base of his dick.

So like it's very, you can like see inside the guy's dog.

I love how he's

talking about this like these are all his Pokemons.

He does a special thing.

I'm trying to poke them on.

He's trying to poke them on.

Very good.

I think that was a big joke in

stand-up comedy in the 90s.

Yeah, it's hot in here.

We dress it up.

We make it hot so you know so chicks will be.

You got to take her clothes off.

Hey, I wore a shirt just for you guys because you guys are Sopranos fans.

Yeah.

Tony Soprano.

UK into the mic.

Steely Dan.

Yeah.

Double.wonderful on Instagram.

Shout out.

That guy's great.

You're friends with them.

So, okay, so the more you scroll down, the more it's just gay guys.

It's like he is like lying to himself.

He just has like hot chick, like three hot girls at the top, and then they start getting balls, and then it's just guys.

You literally see transition.

It's like, no, mom, I'm just jerking off to women.

It's like you're literally lying to yourself.

It's

a transition feed.

It starts out as hot women and then some guys and then trans at the bottom.

Wow.

I mean, for some guy that's not into it, you sure.

I've never been holding my phone for a long time.

No, no, I'm just looking at all the girls.

Millie.

Look at her.

Millie is Lil Baby Anthony.

Oh, he looks like a girl in this picture.

I know, it's hot.

You know, when you see like an old picture of like Paul Newman at a civil rights march and you go, wow, like that guy was so cool.

He's like so ahead of of his time.

That's like the equivalent of like a guy who fucks trans women now, I think.

That's me.

Yeah, that's you.

Fucking since I was 19.

You're Paul Newman.

I'm Paul Newman of trans.

Yes.

You've been hooking up with a trans girl since you were 19?

I have been

vocally

out there publicly normalizing dating trans women.

Uh-huh.

Trans.

But you've never been in a relationship with one.

Yeah.

Oh, you have?

I've dated trans women.

But most of the girls I've met that you've been dating are

cisgender women.

All right, let's renew this description.

What do you say?

Women.

Huh?

What?

Most of the.

I've never, when we, since we've been,

but I've dated trans women before, and currently right now, I'm talking to a trans gal, and she

is a fan of the beer.

I'm a trans woman's podcast.

This guy's got a fat ass.

He's got a boyo.

Yeah, he's got a little wagon on him.

We're just watching gay boys.

Yee, I'm changing hearts and minds.

No, dude, this gal I'm talking to Maria, she is ha ha ha.

Wait, if you have a you have a crush on someone, don't blow up your spot in public like this.

No one's gonna.

But here's the thing: I got out of a relationship, and

I'm straight up.

I'm dating myself.

I'm doing no sugar.

That's lame.

I'm doing no sugar

and no

fucking or nothing, and I'm actively slowly phasing out talking to people.

Okay.

So

where's that headed, though?

What is that?

Yeah, what's that leading to?

That means you want to get more healthy before you get in

relationships.

I'm on the road every weekend.

I'm out every night.

Married to the game.

I'm doing stuff.

And I don't have time.

And when I have a night off, I don't really want to

be quiet, or I'd rather hang out with my friends.

Folks, we want to talk about Ridge Ridge Wallet real quick.

Ridge Wallet is the

number one.

Special wallet for trans women.

Yeah, it's good for whatever gender you are.

Yeah, yeah, it's not really a boy's wallet.

It can fit in a purse, can fit in a pocket.

They have, oh, it looks like

this looks like a carbon fiber cod piece.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah.

What was a cod piece?

It was like a.

Something you hold on your cock.

But it's like if

you got kicked in the balls, or they were soft.

That's a jock strap.

It was a jock strap.

Okay.

Oh, I got an unsub from Alex with three X's.

Why?

Oh, dude, this chick.

Shout out Brianna.

Wait, wait, okay, so you got...

She's a real woman.

So basically, this is what Ridge Wallet is.

They are a company that

they strip down all of your basics.

Shushed.

He kicked me.

Guys, this is the only reason I have to do this fucking shit.

You do this fucking ad read.

You just kicked me to do your ad read.

No, I kicked you to shut up so I can say this right now.

Shut up.

Go back to talking to you.

All right, do your little thing.

Wow, it's a wallet and it's got ridges on it.

Okay, done.

No,

it is a wallet that strips down your

everyday essentials into their most basic elements.

They have knives, they have benches.

You can juzh up a fucking wallet.

What makes this wallet?

Sell me the wallet right now.

Don't read the copy.

Sell me the wallet right now.

What makes this a good wallet?

So basically, what it well, I'll just describe what it's metal.

Here, I don't have a wallet.

Look, I got a money thing with a rubber band.

So, that's basically what Ridge Wallet is.

So, Ridge Wallet is like, it is a.

So, you're saying you just buy a rubber band instead of getting the ribbon.

I didn't even buy it.

I got it from my deli guy.

Yeah.

So, sell me on Ridge.

You could get a free rubber band.

So, basically, what it is is that it's a front pocket wallet.

It's a front pocket wallet that you can keep your car.

Don't waste your money, folks.

Everything in there.

Go to the deli.

Ask for Ali.

He'll give you a fistful of rubber ball.

Folks, save your money.

Go to Ian's Deli.

They're giving rubber bands out over there.

I'll stop, Courve.

Shout out, Ali.

He gives you cigarettes for nine bucks a pack.

It's your one-stop shop.

Use promo code Ian

for rubber bands.

And take that money you saved on the Ridge wallet and go to OutforSmokes.

Go to patreon.com slash outforsmokes.

And $5 a month gets you a bonus episode every single week.

Because I have to read the copy.

No, no, no.

We'll stop.

I have to read the copy.

Sell me the ridge.

It's a front wallet.

Yeah, so basically, so you keep your cards and your cash in it, and it's made out of metal.

That's what it is.

It's basically, they changed, they stripped down the wallet

into its basic essentials.

Mike uses the wallet.

He got it from Nick after they said.

Yeah, yeah.

Show.

Well, if you use promo code, come down your way.

Here's my Ridge wallet that I use every single day.

No, no, no.

It's a great wallet.

Yeah, it's a good, yeah.

And

I love it.

It's small.

and it's metal.

It's small, it's metal, it's good.

But they also have bags, knives, pens.

And Adam, you have a ridge wallet.

I noticed you have a ridge wallet backpacked, right?

I have a ridge wallet that you carry child pornography in.

I have the commuter pack.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Okay,

I have the ridge commuter pack.

It's great.

Yeah, so go to ridgewallet.com, promo code come town.

Basically, they strip down your everyday essentials or your everyday items into their most essential elements.

It's It's a huge company.

They have fucking ads on the Super Bowl now.

We've worked with them since the beginning.

And they have accessories, all this shit.

You can personalize your shit.

You could get it, I guess, engraved with the name.

Now, the Ridge backpack, how much child pornography can you fit in that thing?

How many DVDs?

If you have a hard drive,

you can put like a million.

Oh, right, right, right.

You heard it here for me.

You're saying the Ridge Backpack can carry multiple terabytes of child pornography.

You're hating asses.

Promo code Come Town.

Listen,

we have fine corporate partners, and you guys are.

We've said worse things than

you guys could come up with.

Don't worry.

I don't think they're going to slam by ourselves.

I bet they love it, though.

Yeah, I don't think they listen.

Who knows?

Go to Ridgewall.com.

Promo code Come Town.

Come Town's one of your tasks.

I don't fucking remember what it is, but it's great.

You're going to love it.

You're going to love the way you look.

I guarantee you.

I'm fucking retard.

Ridgewater talks about.

Let's come back to that bit.

You're here.

Sell me a suit.

I'm paying retard.

I'm a wedding.

No, no, come on.

Enough with the, you know, we have a lot of fun on this show, but we want to get back to what Ian wants in life.

So you tour too much in order to

tour enough.

Your dream is.

So your dream is.

So you think that there's a trade-off between

Ian Comedy stardom and being with a lovely

person for the rest of your life.

You know why?

Because it's hard when you have to leave.

And then, yeah,

you know, it's hard to leave.

And then they go, I love you.

I love it.

I like to leave.

Yeah, it's kind of nice to leave your family.

I'm going to go ahead and

feel bad as if I'm letting them down.

So there's like a lot of guilt tripping in relationships that you're sure.

I'll be leaving my family this weekend.

I'll be at the comedy scene in Foxborough, Massachusetts for

Saturday.

When's this coming out?

I just want to get some tickets.

This will come out probably today.

Wow.

So this weekend.

December 8th, I'm headlining the Pittsburgh Improv.

Thursday, December 8th.

Come on out.

Gonna be fun.

And January 11th to 12th, Denver Comedy Works.

Philly Helium with David Tell.

Oh,

I'd love a nice weekday show.

A little weekday one-nighter.

Dude, fly out and make a little money.

Dude, in January, I'm going January 11th to 12th, Denver Comedy Works.

I got off Friday going to go skiing by myself, take myself out.

And then the next day I got Fairfield Comedy Club.

You want to do it?

Yeah.

Yes.

Next what?

January 14th.

I'll be in the middle of the year.

Fairfield

that weekend at Sisyphus Brewing Company.

Hey, Indianapolis.

I would love to see you on the 13th and 14th at Sisyphus.

That's a really good club, by the way.

Sisyphus?

Been there, yeah.

Like the guy rolling the

hill on Pornhub.

Sissyfish.

I would like to get to a point in my career where I'm not embarrassed to say the venue names that I'm playing because a lot of them are kind of silly.

What's the most embarrassing comedy club name?

Well, there's a club in Des Moines that I'm also doing in January.

I always keep forgetting to plug dates, so I guess I'll do it now.

I'm at Zane's Rosemont, January

19th to the 21st.

Helium in Philly, January 26th to the 28th.

Nice.

Pittsburgh Improv,

February 3rd and 4th.

Providence Comedy Connection, February 23rd, 25th.

It's crazy we're all doing so well because just yesterday I wanted to kill myself.

Good night.

I saw that.

What are you doing?

Zaney's on Instagram.

Portland, San Jose, Austin, and Irvine all in 2023.

But guys.

Good for you.

Are you going to take Raceem with you?

I'm going to take, yeah.

No, actually, I'm going to take...

I'm going to take

one of those folks I saw in your OnlyFans, probably.

If you legit got Lil Baby Anthony to open open for you, I would sit front row.

Dude, that's really funny.

And he just does what he does on OnlyFans on stage.

Just a bunch of like.

He buries Adam.

Adam can't follow it.

Yeah, a bunch of couples who just wanted to have a night out or just like watching it.

They got a babysitter.

I thought we were here for a comedy show.

Yeah.

He's scooping coffee.

He's drinking coffee.

All right.

And you guys, are you guys ready for your headliner?

Are you guys ready for Ian Finance?

You all got, you're like, God, what the hell was that?

Oh, fuck, man.

Yeah, no.

Go see us all on the road.

Yes.

But we want to talk.

And also, I might say patreon.com slash B and Ian Pond.

Okay.

Patreon.com slash Outfor Smokes.

And patreon.com slash the Adam Friedland Show.

Yes.

Or is it still called Comtown?

T-A-F-S.

T-A-F-S.

How did you change that from Cometown to Taft?

You just write them in.

I think Cometown still works, though.

Oh, that's good.

Do you guys do merch?

No, not yet.

We will be doing merch.

Nice.

That is in the works.

Dude, people love you guys so much.

I bet you could, like, sell like hair or something.

Or even if you sold like a...

like like a cardboard cutout or like a size chart because people are always like how tall is these people these people get a lock of Nick's hair and then be like, This hair sucks.

It's not thick enough.

This hair used to be better.

I tried eating it.

It tasted horrible.

They have such bad attitudes.

Yeah.

No, no, no, but

I like them.

They're real nice.

People are real.

I tried putting it up in my ass so Nick Mullen would be close to me at all times.

I water it.

I want a little Nick Molly.

And now my asshole itches.

You know, I like when they give

iced coffee in these kind of cups for some reason.

No, I don't like that because I like these kind of cups.

Have you been to that place, Brooklyn Ball Factory?

You're talking about Pets Brown.

I go to the coffee's great.

I go there.

Masha is amazing.

They are such fucking dickheads.

It takes forever to be able to

do it.

And I can't, your words are not mine.

No, it's all in

Japanese.

Where is it?

What place?

Brooklyn Ball Factory.

It's on Montrose.

Dude, a luncheonette opened next door.

Baby Blue's in the forest.

I think I saw it.

Great.

I think I saw it.

I was there at Slostav the other day.

It was so fun.

Shout out Costos.

That dude, dude, he gives me free meals.

He's a sweetheart.

And if you guys have a problem with anything Ian said, now you know where he eats lunch.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Come out.

I am.

Dude, come on.

Here's the thing.

I love my neighborhood because all the little shopkeepers I become friends with, give me those stuff.

And then I bring them little gifts at Christmas time.

It's so nice.

I got a new laundromat.

Guess what?

They're getting stuff.

Yeah.

Ian brings them bobbleheads.

Ian bobbleheads.

My own merchant.

Ian Ian.

All right, I guess.

I'll be right back.

What are you talking about today?

It is a gay man who comes and I give him a cigarette, so he leaves me alone.

He skips around my neighborhood.

This used to be a working-class neighborhood.

Now

he's this freak coming.

I give him a rubber band so he would leave my store.

My daughter, I want her to stay away from the rat man.

Oh, here comes Chuck E.

Cheese.

Here he comes.

Look at this animatronic band man.

Stay away from daughter, stay away from wife.

Please, if you must rape, choose me first.

Please, please,

please.

I went through hell where I come from.

What's the worst you could do to me?

I saw the people I love the most murdered in front of my life

so I can move to this country and have Chuck E.

Cheese rape in my family.

Rape me instead, rape me first.

I will go down with this sheep.

I will throw my hands up.

Oh no, we are out of rubber bands.

I got it.

He comes for rubber bands again, please.

Oh, here we come in, Chuck E.

Cheese.

Oh, it's Chuck E.

Cheese.

Please

please go go to Chinese restaurant this time.

Please.

Please.

I close my doors.

I lose money.

No more merch, please, no more.

No more merch.

He asked me to listen.

He asked me to listen to Ska.

He's the Chucky Cheese man.

Oh, no.

He tortured me.

He tortured me.

I'd rather take Serbian mercenary.

I miss the war.

I miss the war.

war.

Oh, the war

was so good.

I have seen skin melt off my child's eyes.

I have seen unspeakable acts.

Please.

But Chuck E.

Cheese man.

Take the cake.

My dream is for the daughter to go to college.

I bust.

She cannot beat the Chuck E.

Cheese.

Is the Chuck E.

Cheese?

The Rat Man.

I see him in my dreams.

Oh,

how I miss the death squads of Slomotan Milosevic.

Oh, please.

Please.

Please, I come to this country for the Chuckich.

Please put me in a shallow grave.

I got into it with my pharmacist Vivek the other day about getting the booster.

Oh, yeah, that's cool.

What did he say?

He said, please, Chucky Cheese.

Get the booster.

Please, I swear.

I swear it has booster in it.

I swear the whole neighborhood asked me to put something in a syringe and say it's a very good thing.

It was a hepatitis vaccine.

Yeah, actually.

No, no, it's a fucking

kill.

The neighborhood saying, please, Vivek.

Please, Vivek.

Tell him he needs booster.

We give him...

What is it?

We give him?

What is the

poison?

Ricin.

Rice.

We give him ricin syringe.

Please, this is this our own.

You must take the vaccine.

This is the 12th plan we've come up with

that's fucked up to get rid of it.

We cannot kill him.

Rat man cannot.

Rat man can't die.

We cannot kill the rat man.

I call over.

All the merchants in the area want to kill.

I have a cousin.

I have a cousin I'm we must raise money to bring cousin over they call him exterminator

he will kill the rat man

please please the rat man

that's pretty good huh

can you tell nico is good

Can you tell Nico is good that I did good reef?

I did good reef.

Guys, I'm really excited.

I'm honestly,

I know I've been

lamenting about the show, but I'm really fucking stoked about the last Patreon episode we put out.

Yeah.

Patreon.com slash TFS.

It's honestly the best thing Nick and I have ever done.

The cold open is like, we got these anamorphic lenses.

I mean, Nick goes manic and then disappears.

I'm like, where are you?

And he's like, BNH, I just spent four, I just spent $8,000.

And I'm like, Nick, we have to, like.

And I'm just like, okay.

At this point, I'm just like, great, dude.

And I don't even look bad in the eye.

Now it's like, feels like like the Joker.

Like, we're lighting money on fire.

But we did get these anamorphic lenses, which are like, it's super widescreen.

And it's only because he read one comment somewhere that was like, the aspect ratio is off.

So he just got lenses that are like, the image is like this wide.

I love it.

And it looks like, and we got it lit.

This guy, our friend Connor, who's a fucking...

He's fucking incredible grip.

And it looks like super red.

It looks like fucking good time.

It's like awesome.

And our friend Connor shot, he's like an incredible DP.

Dude, that's awesome.

Yeah.

You guys had fun on it.

Yeah, we had fun.

And now that we have people, like, we realize we're like, Nick has to be kept away from the buttons.

Because he got obsessed with the buttons.

Right.

And then, like, we, we're like, we just have to, we, we need to riff, dude.

We can't have you, we can't have you doing the buttons.

Yeah.

But yeah, it looks really good.

People on

this.

Okay.

But yeah, no, but it, that, that was, like, really fun.

We were doing it.

Can you give me a job on your show?

Please.

Please.

Please bar Ratman from building.

He asked me.

He asked me, come on,

Bing is

in.

He asked me, come on.

And

being tasered in both.

He says, it's funny.

He keeps showing me gay porn.

He says, watch gay porn.

Get taser.

Get taser on being in.

We have Lenny Dykstra on last week.

Please.

No, but it's cool.

And then we had Mac DeMarco on this week.

Do you know Mac DeMarco?

Is that the guy with the underwear?

No, that's Mac Weldon.

Oh.

No,

he's a very popular indie rocker.

He was on Fallon last week.

He's a rocker?

He's like the last indie rocker in the world.

Oh, okay.

No one cares about indie rock anymore, but he's like the last of the Mohican.

He's the last samurai.

That's what they call him.

But yeah, no, he's super funny.

What songs has he done?

He's done a bunch of songs.

He had that album, The Salad Days.

Have you heard that?

I know Mr.

Threat Salad Days.

Well, so, yeah, so he did Nardwar.

Nardwar!

And Nardoir got Ian Mackay to write a note to say, actually, I

did something called Salad Days First, and you're a copycat.

No way.

That's awesome.

Dude, Nardoir is a shit.

But you'd like Mac, although he stopped smoking bogeys, he was like a big bogehead.

What's a bogey?

A Stogie.

A Sig.

Sig.

Stogie.

I thought Stogie's.

Or cigars.

Someone says you want to go smoke a Stogue.

I say you want to go smoke a butt.

Yeah.

Mac DeMarco, Chamber of Reflection.

Yeah.

He's good, dude.

And he's a pal.

I met him at a wedding, actually.

This shit sucks.

Yeah.

So here I am doing everything I can.

I gotta.

Please, he say he listened to music to leave to recreate the day before he was raped

at 13.

He tell me every day that that man tells me about his rape.

He says he was just a boy.

Goldfinger on the radio.

He ended up playing Warzone with the guitars from Goldfinger.

How cool is that?

Sick, dude.

I saw there's a band I saw that is just a covers band that only does Tony Hawk Pro Skater soundtrack songs.

That's hilarious.

Oh, yo, have you ever heard of the band Drug Church?

They fucking rule.

They got a podcast.

You should do it.

I think you guys would be great on it.

Anyway, Drug Church covered Mighty Mighty Boss Tone Someday, I suppose, which is my favorite Mighty Mighty Boss Tone song and in fucking reps.

That's cool.

You want to hear it?

No.

No.

All right.

Come on.

It's my show.

The Ratman, come on.

He said, listen to Ska.

He said, I was 13.

I put on real big fish.

And then he walked in the room.

He said he was an adult.

He said I could trust him.

He said, Ian, we need to practice more your baseball.

It's the Ratman.

He's going to talk about his rape again.

Oh, hello, Ian.

How's it going?

Please.

Please just buy something.

Please, the Ratman.

Anyway, yeah, yeah.

No, he's like, he was great.

He's a great.

He was a great guest.

Guys, check it out.

Check it out on patreon.com slash tafts.

Actually, are we fucked hold on a second?

We've been having so much fun.

I think

we're all right.

So, yeah,

you thought the episode was over?

No, I dude, you're recording.

Oh, you're allowed to wrap up.

Yeah, we are recording.

I have a second.

Oh,

I have a second.

Okay, Blue Chew.

So, your death card.

Oh, another thing that we use

doesn't work.

What are you talking about?

I fucking ate up a bunch of them.

One time it didn't work.

The other time it was nice.

Okay.

You had a bunch of them?

I don't think it's advisable to have them.

Whoopsies.

I get it.

My ears get hot every time I've taken them.

Really?

Yeah, I don't know why.

It's like the sides of my head feel.

I don't know.

But anyway, it's great because you have a man.

If you love sex, you'd love BlueShoe.com.

They go there.

You talk to one of their licensed medical providers.

You can consult.

They have sildenophil tadalophil and whatever the other one is.

It's good.

Do you feel like your erections are kind of inconsistent now with your life?

Yeah.

I feel like mine are like super inconsistent.

Honestly.

We talked about this on BE and what you order.

Yeah.

Patreon or conversation.

What do you mean?

Inconsistent.

Like sometimes I'll be like, oh, this is great.

I'm so hard.

And then sometimes I'm just like, well,

if you're spending some time alone with yourself, you know, I can beat off.

I've been

studying

to jerk off at night, like, oh, I'm going to do that.

And I'm so tired.

I get home.

I I lay on my couch, I undo my pants, and I just fall asleep.

Yeah.

And then I'm like, because you work so hard.

I don't even think I feel like I don't even want to jack off.

I don't even want to.

I don't even want to jack off.

Jack off.

Okay, so

you go there.

No awkward visits to the doctor, no awkward visits to the pharmacist.

They send.

That's right, folks.

No doctors are involved at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They send it to you.

They literally give your age and address.

They send you drugs.

They send it to you in just a second.

I was just told you're not supposed to take multiple packages?

They send it in discrete packaging.

Discrete packaging.

So your bitch wife won't.

Jesus, Adam.

I don't have a wife.

Racine does.

I'm not saying his bitch wife.

I'm saying the listeners who are definitely all married

and families.

So, yeah, you go to bluechew.com, you put in promo code come town, come town20 taps, some shit like that.

They have sildenophil, tadalophil, and vardenophil, which is what's in La Vitra.

It's La Vitra.

It's a lady that Ian was with last night.

Oh, yeah, nice.

No gimmicks.

You could cancel at any time.

No more waiting rooms.

No more time-consuming doctors, in-person visits, no more judgment.

Quality patient care and prescription treatments do not have to be inconvenient or expensive.

All plans include digital physician consult, RX-only shootable tablets, monthly refills, and medical support.

Pills have it worked for you.

Bluetooth.com offers shootable.

Basically,

a lot of men have trouble swallowing because they're senior citizens.

Not me, but chop.

Oh, nice.

Because you're gay.

No, not, asshole.

Because you're.

Swallow women.

Because you're just Ian.

Yeah.

I'm just Ian.

Yeah.

I like that.

Yeah.

If someone's like, you're gay, say, I'm Ian.

I do.

I don't like the label bisexual because I do what I want when I want with who I want.

You know what I identify as?

Ian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you identify as a man?

Yeah.

But that's a label, too.

So why?

That's not a label to give in.

Look at me.

What do you mean?

I'm a fucking man.

So, but, you know, people in a, you know, in a, what do they say?

What's it called?

Heteronormative.

Heteronormative society.

They would assume, they would assume that you're a straight man just because you're a guy, right?

Yeah, but I like jockeying expectations.

You like what?

Jockeys?

Jocing expectations.

I thought that was one of your expectations.

You're not being what people expect.

I thought you followed a small man on

OnlyFans.

I do.

Who did jockey-based pornography.

Anyway, guys,

go to bluechew.com

and shoot it and do it.

And have sex.

Alert, alert, alert.

Get a little extra.

Adams lost it.

Adams lost it.

Okay, what's going on?

That's your heart out?

You have to get your squad.

We have like 10 minutes left, and we're done.

Let's do it.

All right, what were you talking about, folks?

So, there's been an attempted coup in Germany.

Did you see that?

What?

What happened?

Yeah.

25, and they were all like rich people.

They were arrested planning overthrow of the government.

And they all had like millet.

They were like former military members.

What happened?

Yeah.

That's kind of cool.

It's kind of cool.

Someone's playing a storming of the Reichstag again.

Yeah.

What's your

fun fact?

Hitler said that he always thought Mussolini was like his closest friend, like his only real friend.

Really?

Mussolini?

Yeah.

Well, no, I guess he did.

I guess Hitler thought he did.

Mussolini, you think, is a fake friend?

Because Italians wouldn't put up with that.

Yeah.

Right?

Right.

Yeah.

Really?

So he felt like he was lonely.

He didn't trust anybody like Hitler was lonely.

Herman Goering?

Like everybody wasn't his friend?

No, everybody was like kind of using Hitler.

Do you imagine hanging out with Hitler?

Like, hey, Hitler, you want to go get lunch?

Yeah.

Hey, can you co-sign a.

I'm trying to buy a car.

Do you think I could get a co-sign?

Will it be reused to ram into Jews?

Enough, man.

Come on.

Yes,

I'll run some Jews over with it.

This guy, they're saying, is

this guy was known as his best friend, August Kubasek?

Oh, that was Hitler's best friend?

That's what they're saying.

He was an Austrian musical conductor and writer, best known for being a close friend with Adolf Hitler.

Oh, while they were teenagers.

Let's find out about this.

Let's teach the audience something.

He died in 1956 in Austria.

I wonder where he was during the War years.

Warriors?

The Warriors.

Oh, so this guy, I guess, was friends.

They were friends when they were kids.

And then...

Oh, and then, you know, Hitler gave him a job.

He got hired by the Nazi propaganda, or Nazi Party to write short propaganda booklets.

Oh, wow.

That's good when you take your boys up with you.

Yeah, you know, Tosh did

his boys.

Did he?

You know?

Who were Tosh's boys?

His boys from growing up.

He gave them all jobs when Tosh.0 was popping off.

That's a nice thing.

You don't talk about that with Hitler a lot these days.

What is his fucking.

He took care of his boys.

Kanye.

Hitler sent Kubasek's mother

a food basket for her 80th birthday.

I wish you were, Kanye, so we could put a fucking bag over your head.

Oh, I'll tell you off-mic something.

Uh-oh.

Very funny.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, I can't wait.

Maybe we'll say it on Mike one day.

Say it.

No, nothing.

Say it.

Are you getting Kanye on the podcast?

No.

No, we're not.

Dude, you're getting.

Adam just nodded.

Holy shit.

We're not.

We're not.

Dude, that's so funny.

We're not.

Oh, my.

Why are you saying you're not, but you're nodding?

It has nothing to do with the podcast.

That's incredible.

Honestly, it's funnier than that.

And sadder and more pathetic.

Anyway, but

when the tide began to turn against him, I write a note that said, yes, we are having Kanye Zoom on.

When the tide began to turn against him, there's your calendar that says Kanye visits circled.

Hide Adam.

Wait, this is hilarious.

Kanye is going to be here.

Wait, wait, okay.

I'm trying to tell you guys about this.

He's hiding behind a lamp.

Yeah, he's going to be a lamp for when Kanye comes.

Adam, Adam, Adam, get him.

Kanye's like, something smells funny in here.

Adam, Adam, put the lamp on.

Honestly.

What's that that smell?

Can I be honest with you guys?

Like,

it really did.

I heard him saying all that stuff.

It really did hurt my feelings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just terrible things to say.

No, just because it's like I've loved him my whole life.

And then he had that line in Drink Champs when he said, I want little Jewish kid boys that wear my shoes to say, to go up to their dad and say, why ye mad at us?

And I kind of did, like, I was like, why are you mad at him?

Don't be mad at me.

Yeah.

I love you.

I've loved you.

I've loved you.

What did I do?

What did I do?

Write a predatory record contract?

What are you talking about?

I'm a hip-hop head, Kanye.

Kanye, I'm a huge, huge hip-hop head.

You win, I win.

Kanye,

I was saying this to my girlfriend and she just started laughing in my face yesterday, but I was like, I remember when my friend Getachu Abibi

burned the college dropout for me when we were in pre-Calc class in high school.

Why'd he do that?

And she was like, Get a chew Abibi.

She was like, why did you have to include that guy's name?

I remember when my friend.

Yeah, there's this Ethiopian kid I went to high school with.

I still remember his name.

Oh, I thought he was.

Because

he burned me the fucking college dropout.

Oh, I thought you meant burned it, like, set it on fire.

No, he burned me the CD.

Oh, dude, that was awesome.

Copy the CD, burning CDs.

Yeah, burning CDs and giving it to people.

That was so nice.

That's you remember that?

If you like the girl, you say, I got a new computer.

My family got a new computer.

Oh, my God.

Can I burn you a CD?

Every mix CD was just like a love letter.

If only they could listen to the third verse, fourth line, they would know how I felt.

You know, wait, okay, can I tell you more about this guy, Kumizek?

Dude,

can we funny it up a bit?

I gotta go soon.

No, we want to talk about Hitler's best friend.

I think this is interesting.

Wait, you could riff on this.

Even riff on this.

Okay.

Let's go.

So it's 1942, and people could tell that

the tide is turning against Hitler.

And Kubasek, who avoided politics his whole life, became a member of the Nazi party as a gesture of loyalty to his friend.

Isn't that amazing?

Wait, everyone's like, oh, this guy's about to lose.

And he felt so bad that he's like, all right, I'll join.

Like, no, it's good.

No, I like the colors.

That's a great party.

I know I said

I wasn't political, but it was March you do.

That's fun.

That's fun.

These outfits are awesome.

Okay, December 1945, Kubasek gathered a collection of keepsakes given to him by Hitler during their youth and concealed them carefully in a basement.

He's like, Yeah, I always thought Anne Frank was annoying.

Yeah,

I thought she was bad.

And then he was,

then I guess he was sent to.

Hitler made this guy a bunch of friendship bracelets.

Yeah.

What a fucking fan.

Someone's got to.

Kanye's got to write a movie about this.

Like a moonlight, like

a bloody comedy.

Young Hitler growing up in Austria.

And then there's a Jewish guy that's like, your art is not good enough for this school.

I'll give you maybe $2 for this painting.

Yeah, your art sucks, Hitler.

And he's like, I'm going to be mad at you.

For the rest.

And then, like, it sounds like a flashbang goes off in Hitler's head, and then you just hear,

can I have a 30% discount on this painting?

You know, Hitler, I thought it was good, but it's not very inspired.

Yeah.

I'll tell you this.

Wait, he wrote a book called

Adolf Hitler, Mein Hugenfrand, Jugenfrand, Adolf Hitler, My Childhood Friend.

We got to read this.

It's like a pop-up book.

Dude, it's so funny to

ride off the cloud of that after Hitler had been defeated.

Yeah.

To be like, by the way, I knew him growing up.

Pretty good friends with

Hitler tell me.

Do you ever want to meet him?

Yeah, I know he's dead, but I can tell you all about him.

Yeah, there was a Jewish guy that was like.

He's just name-dropping Hitler all the time.

I don't know if you know this, but I used to be best friends with Hitler.

That's so funny because Adolf used to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Adolf,

yeah, exactly.

Oh, is it raining?

I remember one time I was in the bunker with Adolf Hitler.

Here's a Reddit thread.

Did Hitler have any friends?

I literally just Googled that.

Yeah, yeah.

Did he?

Yeah, it says one of his known teenage friends was August Kubasek.

Your boy.

Yeah.

And then Alyssa.

And then I guess German, in his later years, as a a politician, there were very few people who were personally close to Hitler in German-speaking countries.

Friends addressed themselves with the informal pronoun do.

Because

everybody was like using him.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like, everyone's so fake, Ryan.

And no, you know what it was?

Everyone's fake.

No, you know what it was?

I just, I don't like drama.

You know what it was?

No, that was the thing.

Catch fake people and drama.

Like, and I'm not, this is no defense of Hitler, but like, he was on meth the entire time, yeah.

Which is like the closest analog we have to that are like like Adderall heads, right?

And those people get so fucking paranoid, especially if you're friends with them.

Like, I've been accused, like, I have friends that have been on

amphetamines their whole lives for like ADD.

Yeah, and those are like my most fucking, like,

impossible friends.

Yeah, they're always like, I'm always falling short of expectations.

Who

he's not, no, no, not at all.

No, he's not ADD.

All right, guys.

That's so funny.

Yeah, yeah.

But he was like, he was on the real world.

He's like, just so you know, I'm not here to make friends.

No, no, but like, that's the thing.

It's like, he was literally on speed.

And so he was like, I can't fucking trust any of these people.

Yeah.

And he was like getting more and more paranoid.

Yeah, he's a fucking dickhead.

Who else was on speed was Kennedy?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Kennedy used to get these fucking shots in his ass.

But there was that guy, Dr.

Feelgood.

Oh, wait, didn't Kennedy have like a degenerative thing that was a bit more comfortable?

He had a back condition, right?

I think.

I think he was injured in the Second World War as well.

Wasn't he?

I don't fucking know.

I don't know about Kennedy.

Was he really that good of a president?

Kennedy?

Yeah.

Well, it was like short-lived.

Not to our guys.

Not to our guys, Mike.

The what?

Not to our guys.

We gave him a fucking election, and then he tried to fucking investigate him.

Investigate us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you talking about?

He's a bitch brother.

He was a bitch brother, yeah.

He was disrespectful to the Costa Nostra.

Yeah, when they got him elected.

We got him him elected.

The relationship between his members and Jimmy Hoffa was pretty cool, too.

I think Kennedy, everybody loved Kennedy because he was openly about God and he was Irish.

You know, Jimmy Hoffa like choked Bobby Kennedy before a Senate hearing.

That's awesome.

Because he showed up late.

He showed up late walking his dog.

Why did everyone say that?

He choked him.

Everyone says that he was such how powerful he was.

Everyone's like, he's handy.

No, no.

Jack was like the most handsome president ever.

He's like hands by the side.

He was like, shit, dude.

He doesn't look good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He looks like crap.

He's killed Marilyn Monroe.

I don't know.

It's a killer song by the Misfits.

Who Killed Marilyn?

And you think Kennedy killed her?

No, I think that's like one of the fucking theories.

But I heard she died from morbid obesity.

Marilyn Monroe?

Shut up.

Dude, you know how I VFO Joe DiMaggio?

Why?

Because he was married to her and then later.

Did he beat her?

Did he?

I think he beat Marilyn Monroe, yeah.

Oh,

never mind.

Yeah.

Well, hey, he was

guessing based on his fucking last name.

Yeah.

Last name.

Yankees or something, huh, fellas?

Yeah, they're running a train on Marilyn.

Yeah, she's, is she, but like, don't people always say she was like, actually, she was, Nick talks about this a lot, but they're like, actually, she was a size.

She was a size.

She was a size 18.

Was she?

Actually, she was just as fat as she was.

Her name was 400 pounds.

Actually, she was 400 pounds just like me.

Actually, I'm just as beautiful as her.

I'm just as beautiful.

Actually.

Actually, my mouth is full, but when I cry.

Try to tell you something.

It's me, Mo.

I'm like a giant.

I'm trying to tell you something.

Oh, here come the Ratman.

This has been fun.

Yeah, it has been fun.

I've enjoyed it.

I thought it was kind of messy at first.

I'm a little bit embarrassed I said all that stuff about the show.

Don't be.

You're being your authentic self.

No, no, it's just.

No, I'm not complaining about anything.

It's just.

No, we're not saying you are.

It is really really funny.

I mean, I realize this.

It is really funny to start trying at 35.

Like, it is a pathetic statement.

And to say that in public is honestly, I'm humiliated even just thinking about what it is.

Yeah, but you know what?

You're doing it.

It's never too late to

do something new.

Yeah.

No, it's been really fun, but we just want to have, like, honestly, we need to get right now.

We need to get a talent booker, so we're just not fucking scrambling.

Who are you trying to get?

We talked to this agent.

I'll take it off mic.

We talked on Friday.

That's great.

That should be good.

Well, dude, these are the ones.

The prices they were quoting us were hilarious.

They were like, so like, how many guests do you want a month?

We're like, I guess, like eight to ten.

And they were like, so at La Carte, it would be about two thousand dollars per booking.

Yeah.

And we were like,

big and I started laughing.

What a racket.

This business.

So it's $20,000 a month.

Dude, you legitimately could DM someone that you want on the show and be like, hey,

I've been doing that.

I've been doing that for weeks now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, and it's also like, we're like selling people on things, like, if we don't know them, we're selling them on something that doesn't really exist yet.

Like, what?

Like, the actual talk show doesn't, like, fully.

I mean, yesterday was an example of kind of what we want to be doing because we had like a guest, we had an interview segment, we had a cold up.

Well, quit living in the past, Ad.

No, no, I'm saying, like, we need to have like something to sell on people.

This is great.

Now you have like a sizzle reel of what you're trying to sell.

That's fucking great.

It's fun.

Things are good.

You got something things are definitely good.

The creative juices are flowing.

No, I'm having fun.

We're having fun.

Patreon.com/slash BEM Pod.

Okay.

Guys, patreon.com/slash what Mike?

Out for smokes, pop.

Boom.

Out for smokes.

Op for smokes.

Boom.

Thanks for listening, and we'll see you on our podcast.

Thank you so much, guys.

Love y'all.

Thanks for joining us.

All right, bye.

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