Ep. 008 – Albonquin Round Table

What if Juliet got a second chance at life after Romeo and Juliet, created by the Emmy-winning writer from Schitt's Creek and Pop Music's number one hitmaker, playing October 7th through 12th at the San Jose Center for the Performing Arts.

It's the Adam Friedland show.

Today is

Wednesday.

The

what is today?

What are those probes?

What probes?

Oh, those are lav mics.

But they're wired lav mics.

Lab mics.

Oh, mics.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got to get the sound figured out here.

And check, check.

Okay, I sound okay.

We have to get the sound figured out, and we need lav mics, but this company offered to send all the sound equipment for free.

So that's including those?

Well, those I bought just shoot something, and then it sounded bad anyway.

My headphones are a little loud.

All right.

Which one?

Let me.

How are yours?

Mine are perfect.

Is that good, Mike?

Yeah.

He's better.

Thanks.

It's the Adam Friedland show.

Adam is on the mend.

I was a little worried.

Are you sick?

Yeah.

No way.

You're always sick.

You guys are always sick.

Dude, he got worse.

He got, yeah, he took a turn for the worse.

He got really fucking sick.

Wait, like from the last time I was here?

Yeah, yeah, because he was already, he had the same thing I had, which was like, I guess, RSV or, I don't know.

RSV.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What does that stand for again?

Real sexy vagina.

Kids have it.

Yeah, I was going around doing that all week.

I was saying, yeah, my daughter's got RSV.

A real sexy vagina.

It is good because I've been in with RSV as children.

Yeah.

Because my kid had RSV.

Yeah.

But yeah, but who got mad at that?

I guess people with ugly vagina kids.

Yeah.

They're like, hey, not all of us are so lucky, pal.

Not all children get RSV.

My daughter is four years old.

She's got fucking four and a half inch beef curtains.

She's waiting until those puberty hormones start flowing down there.

She's going to be trish.

You won't be able to tie her shoes.

It'll be so bad.

I'm sorry.

She's just going to walk.

It looks like she's got a tennis skirt on, just taking a shower.

Jordan, can we get your levels?

You sound a little.

I'm sorry.

Am I too loud?

No, no, I can't figure out which one.

It's because I'm pulling the mic in order to laugh.

Is that you?

This is me.

This is me.

This is me.

So,

yeah, so no Adam on the Adam Friedland show once.

He's really at home at just being a drippy Jew?

Yeah, I was worried about it, but then I talked to him today, and he's, I mean, he sounds like shit, but he's at least responding to text again, and he's awake.

He always sounds like that, though.

Yeah, that's the thing that's hard.

He's like, uh-uh, I feel

he's like, I'm like, 100% better.

I was on the phone with him the other day, and he was like, he was like, I'll give you a back massage.

And I heard

not to Maya.

Oh.

And I heard Maya be like, no.

Yeah.

Can you imagine what that feels like?

A back massage from Adam?

Just earlobes rubbing up the earbud.

Yeah, it feels like mice being born on your back.

Just a mother mouse laying

a pregnant rat laying fucking baby rats on your back.

Just turning over and over onto itself with more and more penises piling up.

Yeah, and then still the squeaking.

The slower honey?

The squeaking noises still.

I'm like, what's that?

He's like, it's the noise, my bones.

Finger joints currently.

My finger bones sound like honey.

When I touch essentially honey, they make

the mom's tail just like kind of flapping side to side as its pussy gets torn by 12 baby rats.

Just like flip, pop, pop, pop.

There's this weird fucking trolley breight crawler just slapping me.

Maya, just stop.

Just get off of me.

He's disgusting.

Huh?

Yeah, he's disgusting.

I hope he gets better.

I was worried.

Really?

Yeah, because I didn't hear from him for like two days.

Because like you said, he is always kind of sick.

So when he's sick, it's like this might be the one.

Yeah, he's wet all the time.

100% wet inside and out.

I've been sick a fucking lot this year, but it's just from going on.

Yeah, well, it's from going on the road.

Is it the road?

I think so.

Because other people don't have this.

But I didn't get sick for like two years.

My theory is we have long-haul COVID.

I think you have it too.

I might have that, but I also think I didn't get sick for two years because of lockdown, and I was like, I'm superhuman.

But everybody else is living the same life as us, and we are sick every other week.

Do you have anyone in your family who

I know a lot of people are sick?

A lot of people are sick right now.

I like that.

A lot of people.

Maybe it's the babes.

You got to eat a raw clove of garlic every day.

That's the secret.

My uncle did it.

I swear.

I had fucking 400 on them.

You're beautiful, Mike.

No, it just bothers Nick when people are fat.

He gets really mad.

I get it.

My mom, too.

She can't handle the big fat fatties.

She gets upset.

He's a fat maul goth, drove her up to wall.

Did you think that was more maul goth than fat?

No, the fat.

I could be

her woman.

You're like, mom, you just hate me because I'm fat.

She's like, no, you're a loser.

Any pictures of you when you were fat?

I can't take it.

No way.

They're all burned.

It's like I'm a trans woman.

That's my dead.

My dead name.

Your dead weight.

I was fat in high school, too.

I was in middle school.

In high school, I was a big old slow.

We were all fat.

This whole crew was.

You weren't fat.

I was.

No, no, no, no.

I was absolutely fat.

I'll never believe it.

No, I wasn't.

You're like Mark Norman says he was fat, where you're like a chubby, like maybe you had bitch tits for a day.

No, no, no.

I was like type 2 diabetic.

No, I was like 5'1 and probably a 170.

I was definitely fat.

That's fat.

For like two years, yeah.

Pretty chubby.

no my parents my mom left and then my dad didn't cook food so we just go to wendy's every single fucking day and then my dad had like a sound my dad's felt like me now and he would look like this and he would just you know i mean every single day like it's funny because he has diabetes now and he doesn't know what to do because he's just never had to like learn nutrition at all so a couple years ago he's like yes that's switched from soda to juice you know he just doesn't yeah but when i before that when i was a kid yeah he would just he would like, every single day have a six-pack of beer and make a fucking ice cream sundae and not gain weight.

He was just fucking, you know, yeah, my dad would give us the fruit cocktail for those things, just in the can, take the thing off, drink the syrup at the end.

Yeah.

That was the meal.

Yeah, I do a whole can of pears.

Yeah, the can of pears, totally.

The syrup, yeah.

And the friendly.

That's the way like Russian royalty would eat in like the 1800s.

Totally.

Yeah.

They're the only people with access to grapes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Went to the cold room to get it.

So the dream was to have a.

I wanted to have, we were going to shoot this episode and get a black lady.

Yeah, do you know how hard it was to get me hitting up every black lady I know and not being able to be like, do you know any other black ladies who could do it?

Like, I couldn't say that.

I just say stuff like that.

It doesn't matter.

I can't do that.

I said we should have got Alex English, but Nick was like, no.

Yeah.

He said no.

I think it has to be a black lady.

He is a black lady.

No, but it's got to be like a.

I'm telling you.

Like more.

What about Sam J?

She would never.

I said, like, lady yeah right carolina would be good

who's carolina carolina theresa i don't know you hit up yamanika i hit up yam she said she would she

started it in my mind miss cleo right you know imagine the show i think dulce would be better because people are and the chief from carmen san diego we only bring on the same guests over and over again so you do the adam friedland show and then neither me and adam are both gone and it's me miss cleo mike racine and shane gillis you know dulce got mad at me once at the comedy cellar because i ate her food i've seen her do that she

She went downstairs to do a spot, and I thought she left her food.

I thought she didn't want it anymore.

And then another comic, who I won't mention who they were.

You can mention it.

Say it.

Well, Rosebud, she was like, you should go eat that food.

She goes, why?

I was just kidding.

Because here's the thing.

She goes, you should go eat that food.

So I ate it.

And then Dulce comes upstairs and she goes, who ate my food?

And I'm like, I did.

No, I ate your food because I thought you were gone.

I thought you left.

And she was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

And she starts yelling at me.

Dude, the same thing happened.

And I was like, and I almost, I was almost like, Rosebud told me to do it.

Yeah, yeah.

But I didn't.

But I didn't.

I didn't give her up.

But it's so fat up in both of your parts.

No, but I think Rosebud told her that I ate her food.

So Rosebud snitched on me.

Rosebud's a scumbag.

She's a fucking scumbag because she snitched on me, but I didn't.

She didn't snitch on her.

You snitched on her.

No, she told, I think she told Dulce.

I think she went downstairs and was like, Senator, Dulce was there.

She said, who ate my food?

And I said, it's so funny for you to eat left.

That's fat of you.

And And then for her to be like, she could just order more food.

She could just order more food.

Why don't you order more food, Dulce?

That same thing happened in front of me, but it was Val, the manager, ate some of her food, and she flipped out.

She flipped out?

Yeah.

Stop leaving food around.

I mean, she bought nachos, put them in the center of the table, and then hopped out.

Hope she gets stuck in a fucking revolving door.

You hope Dulce gets stuck in a revolving door?

No, or a bowling ball return.

She's a mean lady.

She's a mean, mean lady.

And fat.

That's how she gets home at night, is the bowling ball return.

I don't really think

that you said it.

I don't know.

I was going to say that.

She runs on the outside of her and runs her all the way home.

No, her roommate's just watching TV and you hear her bowling.

No, it's just funny.

It just comes in this little circle.

Sorry, my roommates.

Yeah, that's going to get back to her, huh?

The first noise you made, you also had like fear in your eyes, like the roommate would.

Well, I'm afraid of those.

I was performing.

Yeah.

And I felt bad about eating her food because I was.

Little number 16 house ball

coming up to shoot.

You know, I was like, we had a conversation about, you know, you not liking wa wasting food.

Remember that?

Remember that conversation that we had?

And I was like, but I'm sorry.

Did you order more food to make up for it?

I forget what I did.

I think I offered 20 bucks or something.

Yeah, it's like when you're a kid and they're like, hey, finish

all your food.

There's starving kids in Africa.

And then you see somebody, you're like that, and you're like, are they?

Fuck.

Really?

Can you point them out to me?

No one's laughing at that.

Just let me know.

No one in this room is laughing at that.

They're all laughing at it.

No one in this room is laughing.

Somebody else say something.

None of us.

Can you call them up, quick?

None of us are laughing.

Can you get him in here?

None of us found that funny.

I was laughing thinking about something else, actually.

Yeah.

Wasn't that.

Oh, geez.

Leaving me hanging, and I'm just trying to keep the Adam Freeland show going for another week.

Yeah.

That's all I'm doing.

One more week.

I don't mean.

No, I mean, you get the next week and the next week.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Well, we did an episode yesterday.

Keep the ball rolling, as they say.

We did an episode yesterday.

You don't have to yell at me, Mike.

I'm right here.

I'm not yelling.

Okay, go ahead.

We did an episode yesterday, the three of us.

We felt really good about it afterwards.

And then

the comments on Patreon, people didn't like it.

Who?

So Nick.

The three of us, who?

Me and him, and the three of us.

Oh, okay, okay.

Yeah.

And nobody liked it?

People on YouTube apparently.

I guess people on YouTube.

I think people like it.

Why are you reading the comments?

Yeah.

They just fucking eat it.

I made a comment today that a guy said, you look like a wooden door,

the wooden door of my closet in my apartment.

Somebody said it was funny.

I kind of like it.

I did like it, but you can't read the comments.

You look like the wooden door in the closet.

The most frequent comment I have to say is

like, for some fucked up, demented reason, I have no idea why I can't imagine because I'm brain damaged, I'm attracted to you.

That is the most common one.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like I've been dropped on my head so many times that for some sick and disgusting perverse reason, I find you slightly attractive.

That's what they say?

Yeah, so many.

I'll screenshot them.

I'll make a collection of these ones.

It's something along those lines every time.

You're always surprised they're attractive.

How old are these people that say this?

I don't know.

What do you think?

Older than than you?

Younger?

Both.

Both.

Younger, I think, actually.

Younger.

Why do they have to qualify that they're attracted to you?

I don't know.

But then I posted a thing making a joke about that and the amount of dudes who were like, I agree.

Like, they didn't even realize the joke that I was making.

You don't get it because you're not like ugly.

Yeah, you're not ugly.

I know, but I'm not.

You're just a female comedian.

Yeah.

And therefore unfuckable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally.

But it also, I mean, it also, they don't want to be like, you're attractive because they know that I'll be like, you're a little bitch.

You know what I mean?

So they hit me with the.

What about you, Mike?

What do you get?

What's the most.

the comments?

Yeah.

I don't look at them as much.

Mike's a faggot who chews gum on Mike.

Yeah.

People are saying on Patreon.

Yeah.

You don't chew gum.

You have imaginary gum in your mouth.

No, he was cheaper.

No, he was chewing gum.

He's right into the microphone.

Oh, I always chew gum too.

But you have an imaginary gum chewing tick.

Yeah.

I love it.

Really?

I didn't notice it until my friend Harry was like, Microscenes

imaginary gum in his mouth.

And I was like, holy shit, that's a real thing.

Yeah.

That rolls.

I also have erectile dysfunction.

And you come quick.

Yeah, and I come quick.

Yeah.

Just a soft dick that coughs up come too fast.

Yeah.

Two minutes into trying to get hard, you come.

Yeah.

I come with a soft dick.

You're trying so hard to get hard and then you bust.

And I bust.

Yeah.

That's what they say.

Well, Deb, how about a back rub?

How about an Adam Friedland-style back rub?

Just your bones breaking upon impact.

As he touches her back, each one of his bones breaks.

He breaks all five fingers.

Yeah, Maya loves it when I rub her back.

If you're Mike Maya, be like, no.

Have you heard?

I don't think it's a terrible thing.

Have you ever heard Mike's Adam Friedland impression?

Go ahead, Listen.

This might be the worst impression of all time.

No, it's not.

This is like Sagalow

level bad.

Okay, let's hear it.

Sagalow?

He has the shittiest impressions, and he delivers them with the utmost confidence.

It's true.

It is true.

We were sitting at Skanksfest and he's like earnest.

I don't think he's joking around.

He could have been because it was hilarious.

It was very funny, but he's like, he keeps like pitching impressions that he can do and he's like, I'm Patrick Stewart.

That was too good.

That was too close.

He was just saying, I'm Patrick Stewart.

And every impression was him just saying the name of somebody.

That was so funny the other day when you were talking about just a normal person off mic, nothing going on.

And then you just slow, you were like, I was like, what happened with so-and-so?

And you're like, well, he said, and you like started turning your body into him.

And I was like, you you don't have to do this.

And you're like, I have to do that.

I do, yeah.

Your face started like shifting.

Godfrey was on my friend Robbie's podcast, Young Guns, and he was telling a story about Shaq calling him up and be like, I got an impression for you.

It's Obama.

Hey, I'm Barack Obama.

Nice.

Here's my bane.

Oh, I was born in the dark.

It's just Shaq every time.

Oh, yeah, that's the one Sagal impression that's good.

I was born in the darkness.

But everybody can do that.

No, it's bad.

Let's hear your Adam.

Well, I don't want to do it on the spot.

I don't think it's that bad of an impression.

Let's do it.

I think Nick's mad that I'm making fun of his friend.

I am mad.

Yeah.

It's honestly, it's kind of offensive.

You don't want to come here and take shots at Adam while he's sick and he can't even fucking defend himself.

Let's hear him.

Even less so than he normally can.

All right.

I'll work it in later in the episode.

No, dude.

I don't want to do it now.

Why not?

Ian's Christopher Walken is the worst impression I've ever heard.

What's that sound like?

He's like, I was like, just go like two mice.

And he was just silent for a while and then yelled, mice!

And like, scared the shit out of me.

Mice!

He's hanging out with regular car reviews now.

With what who?

The regular car reviews, guys.

Who are those guys?

Click and clack?

Yeah, Click and Clack.

Remember Click and Clack?

Of course.

And then Clack died.

Alzheimer's.

Click had to keep fucking clicking.

But he can't just beat Click.

You can't just beat Click.

Some fucking old white man from Boston and Click.

Click is that.

They were the best.

I loved them growing up.

I can't believe Ian did that gig in PA.

He said to me he wasn't.

I forbid him from doing it.

I thought that guy was going to rape.

No, no, no.

Wow.

No, Brian's a sweetheart.

I hope they had a good time together.

You can't really rape Ian.

What would it sound like if Adam raped Ian, huh?

I think it would go something like this.

Hey, I'm gonna rape Ian.

That's his Adam if you're gonna go.

What?

That was him.

That was Buffalo Bill.

It puts the lotion.

Is she a great fat person?

That's not the worst impression.

This lotion slaps.

This lotion slaps.

Yo, I don't rape.

I don't like this lotion.

Maya, give me the lotion that slaps.

I need the special lotion that slaps.

What is today?

What the fuck is today?

The 23rd?

The 23rd of November?

I did it all.

I did the impression on it.

You did two words.

What?

He doesn't have a low voice.

He doesn't.

All right, let me work on it.

Let me workshop it.

Can you do Microscene?

You've done it before.

I've done it before, yeah.

Something like, yeah, I mean, it's just.

Yeah, it's just a little.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No,

I've got like a really bad

I've got like a really bad Adam Friedland impression

Can you do it for us Mike?

Yeah, it's like

oh

Wow, you're moving your body like him

keep going.

Sorry.

Oh, no, I'm on the screen.

No, come back

Yeah, no, it's okay.

I just don't want to do

I just don't want to do my Adam impression right now.

That's really good, actually.

That's what you look like.

Yeah, it's not a lot of people haven't.

Few people have been able to impersonate me actually.

Holy shit.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Wait, you can do it.

That's good.

All right.

Your impressions are good.

I suck.

Mine suck.

I'm a faggot.

Okay, fine.

What do you want?

Yeah, my Adam sucks.

And I'm a fucking loser.

You didn't even do the impression.

No, because

I was just...

Mario, let's go to corner beast rolling.

Mario, maybe we can get a homework and get massage.

And I can wear your skin.

I can put my dead ass lotion on your skin.

All right, what's give me something for Adam to say,

Maya, you want to watch Ted Lasso

or sit around all night watching Ted Lasso?

I heard it's low-key good,

Buffalo Adam, dude.

So, that's my Adam impression as Adam.

Yeah, so my Adam impression is basically: it's just it's Buffalo Bill, but he's giving Maya a massage.

What is this?

What is that?

Movement.

Yeah.

That's what you look like.

Yeah, you're very talented.

This is hurting your feelings.

You're very talented.

How do you know?

Have you watched it and studied it?

To be spent like seven weekends on a rootie, huh?

No, it's a thing.

It's a thing that happens.

Some people can just have mimicry brains.

He's good at impressions.

I mean, you've got got that skill he's good dude your tony soprano oh this is why we had to have him on the show you got to hear this dude listen listen to his fucking tony soprano this is unreal are you talking about christopher wow

we were trying

give him give him a second to like because i know you're on the spot i know you you probably just do it at home on your phone but give him a second to feel himself tony i can do carmella no this is this is it unreal listen what the fuck are you talking about carmela she's unbelievable i'm trying to think of something to say we were trying to do i was trying to do indian tony, but I was trying to get it right, like accurate Indian, while keeping it a good tony.

Like, I have to start as normal tony.

Don't be nervous.

Just have fun.

Yeah.

Listen, what the fuck are you talking about?

Listen, what the fuck are you talking about?

Wow.

You have the fat man voice, the breath.

Yeah.

It's like, this is like

chasing chicks, you know.

All right, now do an Adam Friedland impression, the hardest impression to do.

Dead ass.

I don't know.

I've never tried.

Yeah.

Not as hard.

I can't even imagine something you would say.

I can only imagine that.

It's hard to fade.

He's both, both, both, like, he's very, he's just, he's like fluid.

He's like just a fluid that seeps around.

You can't, you can't, you can't contain Adam.

Long-drawn

words.

Oh, my, my Adam impression is not good.

Yeah, this is Adam.

She's not Adam.

What are you guys talking about?

I have to call Maya.

That one's much worse.

It's worse?

Yeah.

You feel better now, Mike?

Now I think, yeah.

I don't know.

Does that make you feel better?

This is my microcene.

I'm not good at impressing you.

Neither of you fucking shout like that.

Don't shout.

It's me, Adam.

I want to fuck my wife's friends.

My wife's friends are hot.

Yeah, I saw a woman on the train,

and I think I have to get a divorce.

Can you do Indian microscope?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I won't go fuck my wife's friend, but what do you bother?

Damn, this feels like doing calculus.

It's really hard to get

different impressions at once.

It is.

And I mean, if it comes out naturally, sure, but just fucking, yeah.

I'm trying to dial it in.

It's different.

You kind of do the idea.

I was sitting around my apartment for like 30 minutes trying to do Indian toning.

It's so hard to keep up.

Can I start sounding rough?

If you can do tony that well, just do regular toning.

Yeah, don't go crazy.

You don't have to get spicy.

You got shit on your mouth right now.

Me?

You kept fucking.

Yeah, a big piece of food right there.

He does not.

I know I I used to.

He got it off.

He got it off.

He never did.

He had a fucking thing right there.

I used to impersonate.

You know that guy?

You know, that guy, Rojo Perez?

That's a really good way to deflect if somebody's being down on you.

I wasn't.

I was.

I was shit all over your fucking face.

I was being complimentary.

It's a very good Tony Soprano impression.

Did you bring that from home?

Did you bring that?

Yeah.

That's disgusting.

Take the label off.

It's not even, just

get a real water bottle.

Pull that label off.

God.

Yeah, you're not supposed to refill those.

It's easy.

a diet.

What is that?

Cranberry, pineapple, diet, 5% ocean spray, gallon juice.

This is what homeless people do.

You're drinking water.

You're getting full of your own piss.

Out of a tennis ball.

You carried around as your little baby.

Real quick, we've got to talk about mybookie.at.

Thank God.

Do it in Mike's voice.

Please do it one more time.

Yeah, so

I don't really have any money to gamble, but that's not true.

I'm doing fine.

Actually, you owe me

thousands of dollars.

Yeah,

I've got over $1,500 in accounts receivable right now.

The shrugging is so good.

I love you.

That's why I want him to do it because I want there to be two of them.

Yeah, you understand?

Yeah.

My bookie.

Come on, give it to me.

My forging bookie.

Does it feel good?

My.

I hate to fucking my bookie.

My bookie.ag.

You ever see that movie Joyride?

It's got Buffalo Bill in it.

Really?

Yeah, he plays like a trucker, a serial killer, a trucker.

I've tried to make a joke out of the line, is she a great big fat person, but people don't remember that line.

I remember that line.

That's the best line.

She's a great line.

Great big, fat person.

You don't know what pain is.

That's the best line in the movie.

Wow.

That was so good.

You don't know what pain is.

Okay, so mybookie.ag, the sports book.

Let's just look at the menu on the website, dude.

Here's some of the

different

links you can click on on the navigation menu.

Sportsbook, Casino,

Robert De Niro.

You want to fucking gamble or something?

Hey, okay.

Racing.

Every time somebody does a De Niro, their face disappears into the back of their fucking head.

Just delete their whole face.

I look like I have Down syndrome.

I could have it.

You don't know.

In the licking of the

meet me, Robert De Niro.

Here I am.

Come meet me.

Deposit, contest, VIP.

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Let's go to the FAQ, the frequently asked questions.

Aries Spears' impression of Shaq was good.

Yeah, I remember that one.

It was really good.

How to deposit?

That's probably a big question.

Look, myboogie.ag is the premier offshore sports betting website.

What's AG, might you ask?

Does that stand for

an Asian country or maybe something in the Caribbean?

No, it's Switzerland.

So you know it's legitimate.

I have no idea what you're selling.

I couldn't begin to ask.

MyBoogie.ag is a sports betting website on the internet that sponsors this show.

And they've been trying to call me for days.

I tried to open this in Boston to bet on a sports.

Oh, really?

With sports?

Well, they got a casino now.

Jordan Jensen betting on sports.

What would that sound like, folks?

Can you do it with someone?

Go ahead, Ryan.

What you have?

Can you do it?

Yeah, what would that sound like?

What would that be like?

Why do you always say things as a question?

I kind of like.

He does this too.

Like, when you're talking, he's like.

Yeah.

He's watched a lot of videos on how to behave around people.

Yeah, that's right.

I have.

I know you have.

The other day I told you this long saga and I watched you go.

You were like, it sounds like that's really difficult.

And I was like, very good.

You know, it's funny when I went to petting him.

Jordan keeps touching Mike's legs bored of me.

But you didn't even pet him.

You didn't pet him like an animal you're familiar with.

You pet him the way you like pet a goat at a petting zoo.

When you're like, am I supposed to be touching this battle?

I'm way more affectionate with goats.

I pet you like I'm allergic.

I just don't want you to get upset later.

I don't don't want the long text being like, you stupid bitch.

Does he send those?

No, I don't know.

No.

Come on.

Stop.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So they got a casino.

They got a live casino.

Jordan just doesn't answer you when you reach out.

I answer Nick.

Yeah.

She answers Nick.

Yeah.

She doesn't answer you.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

You don't get a response to your 2 a.m.

text?

No, I don't.

Just thinking about you.

Yeah, just wanted to check in and see.

My wife's been asleep for a couple hours.

Yeah.

Check in.

You balance it out, though, on the Instagram DMs.

One will be like, you look beautiful.

And then the next will be like, have you gained weight?

What are you doing to me?

All right, we got Bagarat.

We got Blackjack Europe.

We got Blackjack Live.

We got Blackjack Classic.

We got Auto Roulette, European Roulette.

Blackjack Europe 2, Blackjack Classic, Blackjack Baltic, Blackjack Russian, Blackjack Latin.

What the fuck is it?

These are the games, the casino games.

It's just racially.

No, no, no, you're just saying Blackjack a million times.

Nobody.

We got Blackjack.

What's that?

Yeah.

This is just between us.

Blackjack.

Brecojack.

Yeah, so they got a live casino.

They got racing.

NFL, there's definitely shit going on with the NFL, and I'm sure they want me to talk about that for sure.

What, with the Jets punt return or whatever?

The Jets punt return, that's a big thing you can bet on.

At mybookie.ag.

They got racing.

The Delta Downs.

It's my favorite.

That's a horse.

The Delta Downs.

That's my favorite special forces down syndrome.

Charlestown races and slots.

Finger Lakes.

Horseshoe.

Did you throw racism in there?

Huh?

What did you just say?

Charlestown races and slots.

Racism slots.

Yeah, that was the joke.

It was in West Virginia.

You're in the Charlestown races and slots.

Racists and slots in West Virginia.

I was going to say earlier, when I went to my senior prom.

Well, real quick, mybookie.ag promo code T-A-F-S.

Check it out.

They'll match your deposit up to $1,000.

And I think there's something else you get out of that, but I don't know.

Yeah, so when I went to Senior Prom, I bought a DVD off eBay of like how to dance.

Did it help?

No, not really.

It was just like how to like two-step.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

Your dad comes in.

He's like, I'm going back to Italy.

When people act like men, they've ruined, they've ruined my boy.

Look how they massacred my boy.

Look what they've done to my beautiful boy.

They turned him into a fag.

You know, something like you might get prom just two-stepping alone.

Yeah.

Well, what were you doing at prom?

I didn't go to prom.

Yeah.

Nice.

He was combing his one hair.

Until I was 20.

He was just

wrapping his one hair

around like a Cinnabon.

He's just like a black school bus driver.

He's just got.

Yeah.

Not on my bus.

Fucking the front Cinnabon.

Until I I was 20, I had hair down to my ass crack.

I had really long hair.

I remember.

I was on Twitter.

Yeah,

yeah.

I've known you on Twitter since

2011.

2011, 2012, something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was a big boy, big, fat, long-haired boy.

Yeah.

Then what happened?

I got sick of not getting pussy.

So you shaved it all off?

Well, I started to, like, my hair went back, so I had to shave.

I didn't have a choice.

Did you have long hair and balding at the same time?

Briefly, like

three or four.

It wasn't that bad, but then I saw a little bit.

Did you have those glasses?

I only got glasses like four months ago.

Oh, okay.

I started getting gray pubes at like 24.

Gray pubes.

Gray pubes.

Yeah.

I have a gray streak, one gray streak, but they said it's from trauma.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, really?

Like, if it's peppered around, you have gray hair, but if you have one streak, bro.

Is that real?

That's like

real?

That's what they say.

Who says?

The internet.

The internet.

X-Men.

Yeah, they call it a shock, right?

A shock.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that what that's from?

Like a shock?

Because you got shocked.

Because you haven't blasted.

Yeah.

because they told me that there was a there was a kid that I got.

Nick's got 17 streaks of gray in his hair.

Like a nine-year-old with a bunch of gray.

Well, no, my mom told me, you know, she's like, when kids like that, they have that, that's because of trauma.

It's because they got molested.

And so then anytime I see that, I know there was a guy, Will, in D.C.

that did comedy.

And a funny guy, you know, back in the day, but he had a little gray patch of hair.

Anytime I'd see him, I just think about him being raped as a child.

Yeah.

Because of that patch of gray hair.

You see a nine-year-old with a shock of gray hair.

One time, I really helped my son out today with that information.

Yeah, because you told me, what's his name?

Yeah, the Vidal Igo.

Yeah, the Vittle Igo.

Yeah.

And it's like, man.

Maybe I noticed that recently.

His backpack was stolen with his headphones, laptop, like all this expensive shit.

Naked pictures of him as a child.

So he got reverse molested.

Yeah.

And he got a, and his whole eye, all of his eyelashes turned white on one side.

It was crazy.

If I ran the government, it would be mandatory we would take naked, we'd make child pornography of every American citizen, and then it would go in a vault.

And if you broke the law...

Wait, if you broke the law pornography relief.

Yeah, it would go out there.

We would hand it over to the pedophiles to jack off.

So you may think, oh, I'm an adult.

I could never be molested.

Think again.

Yeah.

And the movie's called Think Again.

Yeah.

And there's no jail.

We abolish the prisons.

We get rid of prisons.

Ocean's 12 about like Tom Pearl trying to sneak into the vault and and break in.

I don't know if we can revisit Tom Pearl on this one.

I think we covered Tom Pearl.

Who's Tom Pearl?

Oh, boy.

You're going to have to subscribe for Patreon for that if you want to know who's Tom Prime.

Subscribe for Patreon.

We really had a good time yesterday.

$5 a month gets you an episode about Tom Pearl.

Yeah.

The episode that we had a fucking blast doing.

Never fun.

Like ours.

One of the most fun hours of my life.

What was the

criticism of this?

This is a shit eating pedo.

It's a guy who eats shit.

He's a meat.

It's this southern guy.

Look, I'm not going to go into that.

But I'll tell you.

And if you want to hear more, you can check out the Patreon.

He sends me this fucking video of this guy.

It's a TikTok of this guy in Georgia who eats his own diarrhea.

That's insane.

He's always uploads fetish videos.

But he's got this.

No, it's on other websites.

He sent me the most horrifying TikToks I've ever seen.

Yeah, people like.

What about Adam Friedland eating his own diarrhea?

What would that sound like?

Right now, that's happening as we speak.

Yeah, I can't.

I'm so full.

This is fucking.

I can't eat another bite.

It's so funny that he's just going to go.

a Elizabeth, who sounds like Buffalo Bennett.

I ate my own diarrhea, and I got really sick.

Maya, help me finish this.

I can only eat two or three spoonfuls.

I can't have another bite of this fucking diarrhea.

I am so full.

Maya, put this in some Tupperware.

Is Tupperware enough for this, or should I just toss it?

It's really fucking good.

Maya, I'm so proud of this.

This will be good tomorrow.

This will be good cold.

My, Mari, we gotta save this diarrhea.

I'm gonna box it off.

Put it in the freezer.

It just sits on the counter.

You can defrost it for a week and a half.

My

complaint.

My, you think that diarrhea is still good?

My,

you think the diarrhea is still good to eat?

Answer me.

I hope you guys are having as much fun listening to this show as we are.

I'm liking it.

I've like three, again, three times today.

I've gotten to tears just laughing about Tom Pearl again and again.

It's really funny.

He doesn't stop being funny.

Jordan,

I'll send it to you after because he's just like mild-mannered southern guy.

And the first video, he sent it to me.

It's just the way he talks is he's like, I can't wait to eat my diarrhea for you.

I hope you enjoy watching my diarrhea.

Yeah.

And then he eats diarrhea.

And he has my body.

Yeah.

Because he's full.

He's full of diarrhea.

That makes sense.

That actually tracks.

If you were like, I've been eating diarrhea for the past 18 years.

And he's 100%.

He suffers through like that.

He suffers through eating.

Guys, I got to come clean.

Not Italian.

I'm a diarrhea eater.

Diarrhea is an Italian word.

Yeah.

I've got to go home without diarrich.

I'm going to go home and cook up a big bowl of diorich.

Everyone knows that.

This guy, Seth Pomeroy, in Nashville, was like want to hear the most italian two words together miniature pony and i've always remembered miniature pony

that's very italian miniature pony miniature pony yeah

that's pretty good you think that's good Chris Cubis told me a story about a guy that

I don't can't remember it exactly, so I might be fucking it up, but an Italian guy you knew who tried to get like quesadice or whatever, which I thought was Spanish or something, some like Italian thing on his body.

But the tattoo artist fucked up and just put cheese dice.

like just cheese

it was in the language yeah yeah yeah i bet that happened so much he just had cheese dice tattooed on his body

what did he want i don't know i can't remember it was like i guess it's what is it like like is that something in quesadich quesadich but isn't that fucking in that spanish quesadich quesadich quesadiche is like

isn't that like how do you say in spanish yeah my italian last name It's called Como Sidich.

What?

Como Se Diche?

Maybe Como.

Maybe it's Como Siddeche.

Como Se Diche bag it's called.

Como Se Diche.

Yeah, I can't remember what the fuck it was, but all I remember is some guy ended up with a tattoo that says cheese dice.

It's good.

Yeah.

And maybe it wasn't even an Italian word.

Maybe it was just a retarded Italian guy that got a tattoo that's a dish.

Look at Zagalo's tattoo.

He has one that's supposed to be a...

Homo succ diche?

I don't even know what an octopus or something, but it's a huge dick.

I mean, it's crazy, and it's on his bicep.

It's like a hideous.

It's supposed to be be an octopus.

Yeah, it's like a pirate octopus or something, but yeah.

That sounds like pretty.

And your man had a joke about Joe DeRosa.

He goes, your tattoos look like the paintings that the girl at the zoo makes when her kid dies.

Nice.

Have you seen Bobby Kelly's?

It's just all Chinese art all over his body while he's looking like a little Buddha?

Because this is like a late Chinese.

That was like a late 90s thing.

Yeah.

I mean, there's koi fish all over one bicep.

I mean, yeah, it's nuts.

There's just a Bobby Kelly with a Chinese menu tattooed on his back.

Yeah.

He's a fan.

I think Karen Feehan made that joke on the the podcast, so I'm not trying to hate on you.

I just remember that.

What did Karen Feehan say?

A Chinese menu.

No.

She got a Chinese menu.

Just the same joke that Sam made.

Oh, okay.

Just wanted him to know that.

No, thank you.

Are you even Chinese?

Should we get dim sum again?

Remember when you burst into our dinner, sat down and sat down and said, I don't really like dumplings.

Well, get the fuck out of here.

He's like a really picky eater.

Are you?

I went to lunch.

He said that, and I didn't believe it.

And then

I ate the stuff yesterday.

But you're one of those guys, you eat anything in a bodega, but you won't eat any vegetables, right no i eat i eat like i eat greens because i have to for my house yeah but like i don't like them but a picky eater can just be like a disgusting human being you know what i mean i mean i it's like how vegans can just be like people who eat like packing material with sugar in it that's me yeah that's not you you don't do i've been chewing on cardboard lately i've been trying to sharpen my teeth on cardboard

i think i might become a rat also You're halfway there.

You're close.

I'm feeling that.

I'm kind of like a rat guy.

Adam is mice.

I'm rat.

Yeah, any sort of varmint.

Anytime somebody says varmint, I'm like, I identify with whatever that word is.

Yeah.

Someone tried to insult me once and say that I'm like a flamingo.

And I took it as a compliment.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

They're awesome.

Why would they say that?

What would the insult of that be?

If I was any animal, that's what I would be, a flamingo.

That's not offensive.

Because it's gay?

Because they're gay?

I guess.

I don't know.

Do you know what 100% of them agree?

Huh?

100% of flamingos are gay?

Are they?

Yeah.

Then how do they make more flamingos?

They're just a different type of bird that turns pink.

They produce with women, but they mate for life with same sex.

Interesting.

It's not true.

That's a completely made-up fact.

There's no way that could ever be true.

I guess I'm a flamingo, huh?

Interesting.

My brain just ignores the fucking thing.

I like that.

Yeah, that's one of those things.

Flamingos are one of those things where I'm like, God, it's not fucking real.

Because you're like, they're like, you know why they're pink?

It's because they eat shrimp.

And it's like, a person with Down syndrome told you that.

There's no way that's true.

And then you look it up, and it's like, yeah, because shrimp aren't even pink

in the water.

They didn't turn pink until you cook them.

So, why the fuck would the flamingo be pink?

So, that's fake.

That's not why they're pink.

Does that just mean flaming in Spanish?

That's what they saw when they saw those things?

They're like, oh, this thing is real.

It's really fucking gay.

This is the gayest fucking bird I've ever seen.

These are the fucking gayest bird I've ever seen.

The Mexican guys who live outside my house, I think they may be actually home.

Like homeless people?

I don't think they're homeless.

I don't like.

They're always there.

They're blackout drunk and they get loose shrimp and cook them.

They don't cook them.

That does sound pretty homeless.

It's like steam coming out of the radiators in the subway station, and they put wet.

Oh, they cook shrimp on it.

They're not cooking.

They cook shrimp on sewage.

Yeah, 100%.

It's crazy.

Even Tom Pearl would be like, that's fucking

health code violation.

He really eats his own shit?

Like two girls, one cup, stuff?

Much worse.

Much worse.

Guys, you're going to get sick from eating like that.

How am I not allowed to say white trash on TikTok?

But those videos.

That's what I said the last time.

It was like a teaser video.

It was just him.

It was like him editing to a rowboat with romantic music.

And he's like, I'm going to eat my own diarrhea for you.

I hope you enjoy watching me do this.

I've been waiting to eat my diarrhea for a long time.

And it's in the video.

It's funny.

He says, I never had diarrhea before.

And I took that like he never produced diarrhea.

But what he's saying is he's, I've never eaten it before.

Did you watch him eat it?

They showed me a little bit.

Yeah.

The most shocking part, I said this yesterday, but the shocking part was the color of the diarrhea.

It was like peanut butter color.

Jordan, I tell you, it's weird because he hadn't seen it, but now he's, you see the first one, it doesn't make you laugh, but the more you get into it, it made me laugh, it becomes funnier and funnier and funnier.

It doesn't make you gag?

It does.

When I watched the first video, I was like, I was, like, I said it before already, but I was like texting people.

I was like, I feel like, I fucked up, dude.

I don't like, it made, really fucked with me.

Why do you find this, though?

No, it's just unsettling.

Someone uploaded on TikTok.

It wasn't vile.

It was like 200 likes on TikTok.

Why did it go right to you though?

Because you have a weird.

My algorithm is like to show me freaks.

It just shows me the most disabled, most fucked up-looking people.

Because he decided to get pussy.

So he started, he changed his algorithm to get more freak videos.

Yeah, that is the way to do it.

Oh, it just sent it right to you.

Some guy's eating shit and they're like right off to say it.

You gotta see this.

It was him talking about eating shit.

Nick found the actual video.

The actual video, and I watched it.

How'd you find it?

I googled.

But then I found a YouTube day.

Someone uploaded like five of them.

I used the Google website.

On YouTube?

Yeah.

They're just up there for like three months.

All right.

I think we might have to pull it up.

And then it'll fuck with you.

But then a day later, you're like, I got to go back for more.

Because your brain strips out the diarrhea eating stuff.

It's honestly a testament to the power of the human spirit.

Well, finding out he was a powerful.

I mean, Adam Friedland watching Tom Pearl eat his diarrhea.

What would that sound like?

Also, his name's Tom Pearl.

He says his full name, and it's his real.

And Nick sent me his official Florida sex offender because he's a pedophile.

Yeah.

Watch his child.

He's pedophiles.

Watch his child.

He'd be a lot more easy to root for if he wasn't a pedophile.

Yeah.

I don't know.

That makes it better for me almost.

Like,

he's so much funnier that he's like punishing himself.

Yeah.

He's like a bad guy.

He's not a good guy.

Well, you know, don't don't.

I don't want him to be a good guy.

I would never see a shit eater and be like, oh, at least he's a good guy.

No, what he is, he's the South's version of the Joker.

That's what the South Carolina, if you put the Joker in South Carolina.

Dude, I just did Houston and a guy said the N-word three times while I was on stage and got dragged out by bouncers and what like he was trying to summon Candyman?

Red rum.

He was saying it and then he was talking shit.

His phone rang.

I took the phone and I was like telling his brother on the phone what a piece of shit he was.

And then the brother talked to me and was as retarded as he was.

And then this woman stood up she was like i was supposed to be there but i got caught up saying the n-word and huh the best thing is he wasn't saying any they were both just like oh the n-word and you couldn't understand anything and then just got a stack of papers with the n-word on it and he's like

a lot of work tonight

let's go boop kind of sound like yeah kind of sound like boomhauer saying the end i can't can't really do the bit but you're like

n-word imagine boomhauer doing that it's pretty nice it's crazy

and then the bouncers pulled him out one woman stood up was like Fuck you, you Cajun idiot.

And then this other girl stood up and was like, Fuck you, you bitch.

I'm Cajun.

So three people are fighting.

I'm on stage.

The bouncers pull him out, and then they all hold him down and take turns

beating the channel.

I'll teach you to say the N-word, pal.

I'll come back to the improv saying that N-word.

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He even took one the other day and his dick didn't get hard.

Really?

Yeah.

Isn't that crazy?

That's how gay he is.

Well, then that means he doesn't have

this shit as if you have like a physiological problem.

Blue chew?

Yeah, I think so.

I thought it was a mental problem.

No, these are like vasodilators, I think.

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Oh, okay, this stuff is boring.

This is kind of stuff I...

Yeah, you're trying to sell some dick pills.

We got

an important filing cabinet for this information.

It's the fucking garbage can.

Time to chew.

Oh, here we go.

They got an ad.

We'll just play their ad.

Fuck it.

Okay, there's a there's a guy and he's walking around a playground.

That song.

They should have a little black petty coming.

Yeah, this is where this is like.

This sucks.

Yeah, the visual.

There's an old man and he's

taking his wife to McDonald's.

I thought there'd be words in that, but it's just a guy at work and a girl's texting him, come fuck me, papa.

And then

he quits his job to go, fuck her.

And he grabs his Bluetooth, which is on his desk at work.

You know, it's a member of the shit.

He's just out on the open at his desk at work.

He's got his Blue Chew out.

Questions, look here.

What is Blue Chew?

Are the treatments offered?

FDA approved, yes.

Yeah, what is Bluetooth?

Does it say what happens if a kid takes it in there?

No.

No, I can't imagine it would be good.

Stop wondering that.

Stop wondering that immediately.

They'd be coming to you.

Do they say how big a little kid's dick can get if they they take it?

What happens if a nine-year-old dick?

What if you have a little kid's dick?

Then how big does it get?

What happens if a nine-year-old?

What if I have a tiny little baby dick and then I take blue chips?

This is actually cool information.

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On the fact, the entire time we've been sponsored by them for years.

I never even saw this.

It says, can I use a different pharmacy?

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Anthony Camilla's pharmacy?

Yeah.

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Sorry for saying olfaming goes you're gay.

I really hate when people do that, when they just lie.

Oh, that's right.

But anyway, I'm going to be clear with everybody.

I'm not okay with that.

I don't know what that means, but I'm assuming.

No, I really don't like it.

I really hate that.

Go pick up Blue Chew at your local pharmacy, which I don't.

Where did you think he did?

I thought that they sent it right to your door to you.

Oh.

Yeah.

But you can also go to a pharmacy if you want.

I would love that.

If I could just go to Dwayne Reed and get the Blue Check.

Pharmacy.

Speaking of Woe, Black Betty, I'm tired of them.

Speaking of who?

The woman who works in the pharmacy?

Good afternoon.

My name is Woe Black Betty.

You know, that's on Woe Black Betty.

Just pharmacies.

Every time it's eight 900-pound black women in front of you, just losing their mind at a little Indian woman with a hijab on.

They're not Indian.

They're something else.

They're Middle Eastern.

And what are they getting at the pharmacy?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

They're not getting whatever it is because their EBT food stamps won't cover it.

Y'all told me Lizzo's clothes were prescription.

And

I should be able to get them here.

Okay, yeah, Bluetooth.com promo code T-A-F-S or Cometown or Cometown20.

I can't remember what it is exactly, but it's definitely one of the three.

And we're back on the Adam Friedland show, late night chat.

I can't wait until this fucking talk show is going, dude.

What's up?

You're late for something?

It's not late.

Yeah, no, it's not.

Usually I'm here late, but it's not late right now.

Yeah, it's late for me.

Is it?

Yeah, I've been trying to do,

I'm trying to make this more of a morning, because I'm a morning guy.

It's crazy.

I wake up at 7 a.m.

So I'd prefer to be in here from 8 a.m.

to 5 p.m.

and not, you know, start the day late.

You wake up at 7 a.m.

I wake up at 1 p.m.

No, I wake up early.

That's kind of what.

Yeah.

That's good.

It's a good way to be.

I wake up and I have to run outside to catch the sun.

Do you know what I thought it was?

Because I did Magoobies over the weekend.

I was staying in the hotel and I never thought, like,

I forgot that you can draw the curtains at a hotel room.

Yeah.

So I went in there and they had the blackout curtains.

I drew the curtains.

I slept till 11.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and I blackout the curtains every day.

I was like, oh, I thought I had insomnia.

And And it's like, no, it's the sun.

I'm just waking up when the sun comes up.

The sun is cringe.

Yeah.

Totally.

But I do like the morning.

I'm happier in the mornings.

I haven't fucked myself up with vape pens and coffee yet.

I get stuff done.

It's like, yeah.

I fuck myself up with the vape immediately, scrambling for it.

Literally, dude.

I wake up.

I'm like, no vape today.

And then.

It's bad.

We have to stop.

Zins.

I have Zinns.

What are Zins?

Those things that you put in your gum that give you nicotine.

That's what we should do.

Oh, just a different drug to to look at.

No, this is bad.

This is the vapor in your lungs and shit.

It's not good.

Yeah.

It didn't seem like the least bad, maybe nicotine.

Yeah.

My friend who works for Big Tobacco was like, these are the problem in Europe because everybody's doing them because they don't fuck you up.

So that's what we should do.

Well, I think the move.

Oh, you know what I did?

I went to a gas station, I got like a 2.4% pen.

And then I was on my friend Norman every weekend.

That guy used to smoke fucking like two packs a day for like 35 years.

And he switched the vaping and he started off with like the 10%

and then just kept lowering and lowering until he was mixing in the 0%.

Yeah, if I had the 2%, I would be opening the vape juice and drinking it.

You know what I mean?

I would get, yeah, I would get my 6%.

I used one of the vape juice.

The 2% went all weekend, and it's very unsatisfying, but it's enough that I'm not like, you know, and then I come back here and these are just floating around the fucking office.

But yeah, I really don't want to.

I'm going to start dipping, I think.

It was so much easier to quit smoking than it is to quit this shit.

100%.

Smoking was easy.

And that was supposed to be the hardest thing in the world.

Everybody was like, it's worse than heroin.

I was like, it's fine.

Yeah.

It's totally easy to do.

I don't stink all the time.

I don't have to go outside and be cold to do it.

This.

I'm just like in bed with it, snuggling, holding it, waking up.

I fall asleep with it in my fucking mouth.

I don't know how people dip.

It seems so.

I bought fake dip once for a video, and even that was just like shit.

It was like black tea.

And it was like a shit.

Jane Gillis gave me a big dip and was like, if you've never done it, you're going to puke.

And I did it, and I loved it.

Did not puke it.

I loved it.

Loved it?

It's amazing.

Yeah.

It gets you fucked up a beating.

It tastes like shit.

No, it tastes like tobacco, which is

disgusting.

Not a bitch.

What about cigars?

Those are kind of fun.

No.

They smell nice, but.

Do you smoke cigars?

Once in a while.

Yeah.

I just can't figure it out.

You should get into cigars.

Yeah.

It's fun.

Like during moving jobs.

Just ashing all over people's stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How was that painted?

Yeah, I'm like a cartoon character.

Was it?

Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah.

Why?

Just wondering.

What did he say?

He said you did a really good job.

Oh, okay.

That's not a very good job for AC.

Would you paint it something for somebody?

Yeah, me and Rufat did a painting job.

Oh, no, it's Rufat's fault.

What?

No.

No, it's Rufat's fault.

No, I think I did fine.

I don't know.

He didn't let me hold the brush,

but

I did the rolls.

Oh, okay.

I did the rolling.

Nice.

Yeah.

He just sent me a picture of you eating a big sandwich, and it looked like you were doing a really good job.

Was it from Defoni's?

No, it was from the Bodega.

It was from the Bodega in East New York.

Oh, okay.

And this guy.

A Bodega in East New York?

Yeah, I guess that makes it.

Bendy East New York.

Yeah, of course.

Scary.

The guy really hooked it up.

Nice.

What did you get on the sandwich?

Just turkey, salami, American cheese, and lettuce and onions and mayo.

I went on the Jersey Turnpike.

It was good.

He made it nice and thick, you know?

I stopped at Subway.

And I was like, I'll just get a veggie.

So I was on the Jersey Turnpike.

Yeah.

They don't have that.

The Veggie Delight?

I used to get it.

But it's gone.

It's off the menu.

You need to order it all at hard.

Yeah, I was like, let me get bread and all the vegetables.

They don't have the Veggie Delight?

The wet sandwich?

No.

Why would I always used to eat that?

But I'll tell you, Subway,

like the wheat bread with just all the vegetables, surprisingly good.

Really?

The smell of Subway, I can't stand.

Yeah, it's bad.

It's really bad.

But it is funny.

The look on this guy's face when I was like, you don't have a vegan sandwich, do you?

Just like, just it's watching just a brain not do anything.

I mean, look like Terry Shaiva.

Just felt like a medically induced coma.

I got really into that.

I'm sorry.

When I was in seventh grade, I was obsessed with Terry Shaiva.

I don't know why.

I wrote a song about it.

I started comedy when that happened.

That's when I started doing stand-up.

It was like the week of the...

I think maybe not the week of Terry Shiva.

I remember it was like the first year.

Yeah.

I mean, it's awful.

Well, so technically she...

She was like anorexic.

That's what happened.

She had a stroke from anorexia.

That's what I thought.

She fell down the stairs.

I remember reading that she had like an eating disorder, that she was anorexic or something.

And she's still alive, right?

She's still alive.

No, no, no.

She fainted, fell down the stairs.

She did?

I don't know, but maybe.

Let's look it up.

I think she fell down the stairs.

Because I'm not going to do this.

I'm going to think of somebody else.

Terry Shivo.

Her pussy got infected.

Terry Shivo.

She's got a really bad yeast infection.

Severely brain-damaged Florida woman who became a national symbol for how to get away from the city.

She became a national symbol.

You could have just said Florida woman, huh?

Terry Shivo.

Vegetable state.

Brain damage, alexa.

She went to cardiac arrest.

Background.

She's an initial medical card.

Not breathing, intubated.

She apparently has been trying to keep her weight down with dieting by herself, drinking liquids most of the time during the day, drinking 10 to 15 glasses of iced tea.

So a lot of fucking liquidity.

No, she was anorexic.

so she was just not eating.

And that's why she had the stroke and she went in, or she had a heart attack, and that was brain damage.

I don't know why I thought she fell on the stairs.

Yeah, so she was like, she was starving herself to be beautiful.

So they took the feeding tube out.

My joke when I was a kid was that she at least she died doing what she loved, which is starving herself for attention.

That's pretty good.

That's really good.

And you were like 16 when you started comedy, right?

That's a good joke for a young kid.

Yeah, no one laughed at it.

No.

No.

I would have laughed out of it.

Because nobody knew why she was.

So I would be like, at least Terry Shivo died doing what she loved.

You know, the copy.

Starving herself for attention, and nobody followed the story.

The monologue jokes will be good.

Because you can give a full setup.

Next monologue jokes are like 2005.

Next week, I'm going to have Adam do all Terry Shiva material.

Yeah.

You hear about this Terry Shivo, bitch?

You guys hear about Terry Shivo.

What I want to know is what are they doing with their fucking skin?

That still looks good to me.

fuck her brain let me wear her skin

Mayer do we stop that diarrhea

you gotta talk into the microphone is the diarrhea in the garage fridge or

Maya where'd that diarrhea go

I wanted to put it on I wanted to put it on my triscuits Terry Shadow is a good reminder that women are beautiful at any size.

Last week, me and Meyer, we froze diarrhea,

and then we sliced it, melted it over.

We made diarrhea quesadillas.

It's really, really funny.

So good.

That's how he used it.

So good.

So you ask Adam about any movie on the Criterion channel.

Hey, Adam,

what did you watch?

Adam, did you see any movie on the Criteria channel?

It's so good.

Yeah.

Yeah, hopefully he's recovering and not eating more diarrhea.

People have diarrhea in the microwave.

Yeah, bulimia is the cause of her infertility.

Terry had gone to the doctor because she had stopped him menstruating.

Yeah, she had eating something.

She stopped him instruck.

Yeah.

Her pussy's fucking do it.

Little pussy, she stopped fucking working.

Yeah, there we go.

Can I still fuck her in the hospital?

Yeah.

I have him on the show every episode, just when we need to hit the Tony.

Yeah.

Tony.

It's Lois and it's.

Fuck you.

Wait, hold on.

Peter.

That's Lois, right?

Petal Lawish.

Tony, I'm not menstruating.

Who else can you do?

What's in your portfolio?

Now that you're a new harmony on the show, let's roll out your resume.

I got to think about it for a second.

Tony.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

It's hard to do an impression on the spot.

Isn't that

the same thing?

Joe from Family Guy.

Great.

Big buddy from Seinfeld, also.

Oh, man.

Can you do Quagmire?

No, that's why I really can't.

Oh, fuck.

I wish I was.

What did you say?

Giggity.

I can't even remember how he told me.

It's just giggity, giggity.

All right.

I really can't.

All right.

What about Stewie?

Can you do Stewie?

No.

Fuck.

I'm really sorry, man.

Yeah, this is.

Man, Mike Roland has the funniest bit about that he'll do Around the House where he's a Cholo who loves cartoon babies and thinks that they're real.

And he's like, That's Dewey Griffin.

He's smart as hell, man.

He's like a baby, but he talks like he's like an adult.

You haven't seen anything.

You gotta say, you gotta see his CIA Latina video.

Oh, yeah,

yeah, it's very good.

CIA, Richard?

Remember this?

Hopefully, that'll be on the show someday.

I don't know if we can put that on the show.

You don't think so?

Why can't you put it on the show?

Well, because

we'll generate stuff for the show.

Yeah, this isn't a platform for you to muscle on your little

tweets, your little Twitter sketches, your little Twinnebagos.

Twinnebagos.

My job is to recycle my material.

We're bringing people on.

You got to come home with new shit.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's just my feeling.

Yeah.

I'd love to just give it to you.

That's all right.

I realized like a week ago that you had a Twitter, that you were a Twitter guy.

I had no idea.

You didn't know?

Yeah, I didn't know.

What did you think he was?

Just some guy who has a broken heart

forever.

Do you have a broken heart forever?

I was a river.

Yeah, he said.

No, I was a little old.

It's a long time ago.

No, we're friends now.

Oh, okay.

It's still broken.

He's saying that because you're here, but he's a romantic.

No, that's a different girl.

No.

His heart's broken right now.

This guy's an open book.

Your heart's broken right now?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think that's.

Oh, okay.

It's old, Jeff.

The woman's intuition.

They know.

They can't do math, but they can see feelings.

We're going to have him on BNN and we're going to find out.

I'll talk about it there, yeah.

We're going to have you on.

Yeah.

What's he in up to right now?

Is he still in PA?

I don't know.

He's been texting me like a lunatic all day.

He's growing old rapidly.

Yeah.

I mean, it's crazy.

I will send him a text being like, here's what we need to do.

And then he'll send the same thing back to me, repeating my words that he means to send to the editor, but it's to me.

I'm like, so now I know you're just mining my

brain and regurgitating it at me.

Yeah.

Guys like him don't live very long.

The cigarettes has got to stop.

Yeah.

I love him, but I hate that that's part of his brand because it's like, you shouldn't be making smoking part.

Like, it's not, it's so bad for you.

No, my dad did the same thing where he wanted to be like the Marlborough guy.

Like, that was part of his brand.

It's not.

It's just an addiction.

It's a terrible addiction.

But it's not.

They might say it's the brand, but that's like, that's like me being mean to, you know,

I have cancer at like 43.

Yeah, that shit's all genetic.

I mean, somewhat.

It's almost like 99% genetic.

I think that's true.

It is true.

Tim Dylan told me.

Oh, that must be true.

He was like, I got my heart scanned.

My calcium score is zero.

And I was like, is that what?

I'm sure he'll live.

He has no bones.

No, he has no calcium in his heart.

He has no bones.

He doesn't look like he's a body.

He didn't know that it had Tim Dylan.

He certainly wasn't.

I 100% believe that.

I don't have any bones.

I don't have any bones.

That's terrible.

I never really tried.

You got too confident on that.

Okay, I'll fucking work on it.

Listen, I don't have any bones.

Wow.

No, it was on the bottom.

Do longer.

It's a little.

Isn't it a little southern?

Twangy?

No, not really.

Wow, Nick, you're so funny.

Can you do the Philly accent?

That's a really good jordan.

That's a good Jordan, right?

Time is so funny.

It's so accurate.

Oh, my God.

Tim doesn't have a Philly accent.

This always is what it boils down to.

Tim and Tim and Alec Baldwin.

I'm so mad I don't have Laryngea anymore.

That was the best week of my life.

I only spoke as Alec Baldwin.

At the beginning of the episode, you sounded so fucked up that it was like, I was like, I don't know if I can listen to this.

But then 10 minutes in, you like figured it out.

Yeah.

And it was sick.

It's cool, dude.

To sound sound like Alec Baldwin, whenever you lose your voice, it's the best.

I sound like Tara Reed.

It's the it rules.

You sound like the biggest skank ever.

Yeah.

It's great.

I'm going to kill a woman this week.

It drops your voice down to like your sternum.

I don't really feel bad about it.

I don't feel bad at all.

She deserved to die.

Yeah, it's just gone.

What's the movie?

In a world guy, you know.

Was it Rust?

Tom LaFontaine.

Yeah, yeah.

Rust.

A movie where a woman is killed, and it's funny.

It's called Bust.

Let's all laugh at this woman as she dies

this summer.

We're going to have a fucking Alec Baldwin-style death with this massive fake gun.

Someone's going to put a bullet in that thing.

I'm going to lose my mind and put a real gun on the set.

And I say, wouldn't it be funny if I accidentally killed someone?

Did he put a real gun on the set?

No, I think they filled the bad blunt.

It was like a...

Wasn't it a real bullet?

Somebody just show me the roast of him by his daughter.

Amazing.

Incredible.

What I recall reading is that

they had real guns on the set.

There was no live ammunition on the set, but some PAs or something took the guns and went shooting with them and then brought the guns back to set and they weren't checked properly.

So the gun had like, you know, three blanks in it and then one real bullet.

That sucks.

Why was he aiming it at one of the directors and shooting it?

I think it went, didn't it go like past?

He was doing a bit with someone.

Everyone's made the joke, but just the mental image of Alec Baldwin just being like, put that coffee down.

Like, remember Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross?

You know, like, just fucking.

And killing someone by accident.

Doing Glenn Garry Glenn Ross.

If Alec Baldwin had killed Jack Lemon.

Yeah.

Now just wait, just wait, just wait a goddamn minute.

All right.

Well, that'll probably do it.

You guys got anything you want to plug?

I got a podcast.

I got a podcast called Out for Smokes.

And I got some road dates.

Plug the road dates.

All right.

This is like the main thing.

All right.

I got Foxborough.

I got Des Moines.

I got Minneapolis.

I got Chicago all coming up.

They're in my Instagram bio.

If you can follow me on Instagram at Mike Racine Comedy.

Thank you.

Oh go.

Mike Lacine.

Mike Lacine.

Listen to BNEN with Jordan.

I'm in Tacoma December 8th, 9th, and 10th.

I'm on the road with Louis the 14, 15, 16, 17th.

Go to LouisCK.com to look up the page.

Thank you.

Detroit,

Belmore, New York.

BNIN is very good.

I just got the Beabus and Butthead shirt.

It's a really good shirt.

It's a

shirt I'd actually wear.

It is fucked up.

I mean, it's crazy the mania that ensues when you put two sick.

One of the best podcast episodes I ever listened to was, I think, episode seven of Being Ian.

Her story about her dad's funeral.

I didn't even realize it was crazy.

Did you guys do like a traditional Indian funeral with the elephant?

I decided it would be a good idea to have a pig roast in my dad's funeral, and it was a bad idea.

I would love to do an Indian funeral.

What happens in an Indian funeral?

Same as a wedding?

Yeah, I would just do it.

I would just do, yeah, the wedding.

But it's a funeral.

I can't make that Indian joke work.

You got to put a rope, you tie a rope to the elephant's tail and then the other end of the casket, just to have the elephant just

drag the casket to the hole.

Yeah.

You call it the hole?

Like if you're a pallbearer, like you're like, where's the hole?

I think it's the grave.

Oh, the grave.

That's the word.

There is a word for it.

All right, I forgot.

I forgot that.

I forgot that it's called a grave and not a hole.

I want an Indian song.

Is that what it's called?

The hole.

That's like you with the praying thing.

I love you.

They don't say that.

What?

Huh?

With the people praying when you were like, you know how they kneel on the carpets?

I love you.

And I was like, that's not what they say.

And you're like, what?

I don't know.

That's a better.

I like that better, though.

But it's like

so close, but so far off.

I love you.

I've been saying on my TikTok, every live I've been getting, because when you scroll through your TikTok, they show you different people going live.

There's this thing of like people in the Middle East, usually like a grandfather or a dad and a kid.

And they just say, thank you, I love you, thank you, I love you, click, like, like, like, like, like, like, thank you.

They say it over and over, and people just click, like, and send them, like, money.

And I see ones with like nine viewers.

They're just talking to, like, nine people, just saying, thank you, I love you, thank you, I love you.

Have you seen the Will Farrell Bloopers

where he's doing the balls where he's, or my plums?

Oh, it's so funny.

You know what I'm talking about?

And he tries to say recollect, but he goes, recollect, click.

Really?

It's really the funniest thing ever.

Google it.

Some of the best bloopers.

Google Plums.

Go Feral Bloopers.

You'll have a good time.

You got any TikToks you want to plug, Mike?

Just microscopy.

Nick's eyes are just leading.

Microscene Comedy.

Yeah, Microsoft Comedy on TikTok.

I want to plug my thread of freaks in.

I'll be at the Dover Delaweare Public Library opening for a magician at 4 p.m.

next Tuesday.

That's funny to you?

It's a funny visual.

Well, it doesn't sound like a bad gig.

Your hand is still doing the thing as Nagan.

It does the rest.

It doesn't sound like a bad gig.

What is it?

This is like connected to your vocal box.

It doesn't sound like you have to open it.

I guess.

I guess.

I got to work on a mic.

It's like, yeah, it's like how a pigeon can't walk without moving its head.

You can't talk without flipping your wrist.

Like what you're doing.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, thanks, folks.

See you Sunday or Monday and happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

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