Ep. 006 – Lesbian Law

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Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show the Wednesday episode.

A lot of work going on around the studio.

We have a new friend over for our fireside chat series.

You want to say hello?

Hey guys, what's going on?

You need me to introduce myself?

Oh, I did say you want to say hello.

Do you want to say hello and introduce yourself?

Yeah.

What's up, guys?

I'm Aiden McCluskey.

How's it going?

Nice.

So you said there's a lot of work that's been going on.

What's some of the stuff you've done today?

I think I'm sick right now.

I know.

I'm just asking.

Why are you doing this crap?

I'm just asking.

Why are you pulling this crap right now on the show?

You know what happened.

I got to the studio and literally fell asleep for four hours today.

Okay.

And then I woke up and I had sweat through my shirt and sweatshirt.

And I didn't tell you this.

There was nothing on the couch.

Okay.

There was a little bit of sweat on the couch.

That's all right.

I am going to, right after this.

Do you fuck your girlfriend on that couch?

Like nothing here.

Why?

I don't know.

I'm just asking.

Is there a cum stain on there?

No, I just, that seems like the kind of move.

No, we have an apartment where we live together.

Okay, all right.

I don't know.

Maybe you would do like a, I'm a businessman now.

Yeah, and then take her to the studio.

You don't do anything like that?

Well, I did do them.

I didn't do it on the couch.

I did do the move where I

swept everything off Nick's desk, including the iMac Pro.

As you should, yeah.

And then I threw her down onto it.

There you go.

And then.

It's surprising that that desk can hold a combined 180 pounds.

That's true.

Yeah, you didn't look like you were in good shape when I got here, dude.

Yeah, I've been feeling...

I mean, I don't know if you could hear my voice, but I feel like I've knives.

No, I don't normally sound like this.

Yeah, you do.

No, I feel like I have knives in my throat.

And like, I think I started feeling that way about like an hour or two before Jordan got here on

Monday.

Jordan's sick now.

She's got a fever.

She is?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's going.

Everyone's sick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everyone, everyone in New York is sick right now.

What is

whatever?

This is for we've talked about this a lot, but like, why for like the last two years we get sick every three weeks?

It's because everyone was inside for two years and nobody got sick for two years.

Yeah.

So your immune system's like

your immune system's like any other part of your.

It's funny because like all there's all these processes in your body that kind of like work hard and do stuff that don't really seem to line up with like my personality and how I am.

Like I don't do shit.

The immune system's the only thing that's also my personality where it's like, oh, I'm not fucking,

I'm not fucking working today.

Yeah.

I'm doing nothing.

Yeah.

I'm off the clock.

Yeah.

A virus?

We'll deal with this later.

Yeah, whatever.

We'll wait until this is fucking

in every organ.

Yeah, wake me up when it's cannabis.

Yeah, wait till it's pissed.

I take a piss and I can't see the bottom of the fucking toilet box.

Wake me up when it's full-blown HIV.

Yeah.

What is RSV?

That's what babies are getting now?

It's baby AIDS.

It's baby AIDS.

Yeah.

It's feline AIDS for babies.

Well, that's because they've made

the Democrats.

They've made the baby sluts these days.

Yeah.

The babies are they've been too slutty.

They go to Harry Styles concerts and they get DP'd and it's just it's not.

I can't figure out Harry Styles.

Why?

He dresses and shit or what?

I just don't, like, what is he doing?

What is he doing?

He's doing what a million people have done before him.

He acts gay to get pussy.

Yeah, I mean, he's making the game easier for guys like me and Adam.

Oh, do you do that?

I don't think you act gay to to get a girl.

You don't have a fur coat on right now.

What do you mean?

That's just a fleece hoodie.

Yeah, like a fleece.

But no, I mean, that's not animal.

That's not fur.

No, it's not fur.

You're wearing a fleece.

No.

It's so funny.

It's my gay cousin gave it.

Our friend Aiden.

Oh, your gay cousin gave it.

Yeah, that's pretty gay.

What's your gay cousin's name?

Andy.

Gay cousin Andy.

Gay cousin Andy Cohen from Bravo television.

Long Island.

Yeah.

Anyway, but

it's so funny that you think just a fleece hoodie is gay because you're from Minneapolis.

Yeah,

you gotta you gotta be in this city a little bit longer to find out what real gay is, bro.

Yeah, yeah, what is gay in New York?

It's just everyone.

Yeah, no, but I mean, how like honestly make a guy in Chelsea be like, wow, that guy's gay.

Gay in New York is being a straight guy.

Wow.

Straight in New York.

That's insane.

That's a cool.

It's a Zen thought I had.

The zinc's doing its work.

Thanks for the zinc.

Yeah, no problem, man.

You took zinc?

Yeah.

He keeps zinc in his

zin snus pack.

Yeah, in the Zin pouch pocket.

Yeah.

I always do vitamins.

You have a nicotine.

What is it?

It's a snus pack.

Yeah, the zin pouches.

Yeah, a nicotine salt pouch.

It's healthier, yeah.

And vitamins.

And vitamins and my keys.

That's kind of the Midwest.

Everyday carry, dude.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

There's an Everyday Carry chat.

I love that.

I got to get back into that subreddit.

The Everyday Carry subreddit.

Yeah.

I feel like our sports.

Just got just like software engineers being like, look at my fucking keys, dude.

Look how fucking good my keys look on my desk.

Well, I know it's not an ad read right now, but our friends over at Ridge Wall, they have this keychain thing where you can fold them all together into a tube.

I bet you those Everyday Carry guys are probably really busting when they see that shit.

Yeah.

I bet you that gets them real wet.

Or you just carry a Zen

pop.

Yeah, or you got a fucking tin of Zen or plastic.

You carry everything in there.

Hell yeah, brother.

We got to get into Zen so we stop vaping on the video episodes.

I've quit vaping a million times, but you bring that shit around me.

You bring that shit around me.

It was fine when it was just like, I could sort of manage it when we were just doing the podcast and it was like, you know, just this joke that we would launch a talk show.

But now I have to see this motherfucker every single day, all day long.

I haven't been vaping all day because I'm not feeling well.

Yeah, but usually it's very good.

Do you have a zen though?

Yeah, it's your partisan.

It's healthy.

Yeah, it's better for you than it is.

It's good for you.

That's what they say.

I heard it's healthy.

Yeah, it's really good for you.

So, and you were recently on

the road with Nick.

Yeah.

In San Francisco.

How were the shows?

The shows were really good, man.

All sold out.

It was pretty sick, man.

Yeah, you did great.

I was the worst part of the show.

You were.

You did great.

Oh, thanks, man.

You were the worst, but I did.

You know, the the Arab guy that looks like the Philly fanatic.

That's the opener?

That was the host?

Yeah.

I didn't want to say it to his face because it was mean, but

he said that the first night in the Uber bag.

He has, they have the same

body.

I got to see him though.

Like, you know, like, if he's got a mascot-style body?

Well, you know, like, you know, when they did a silhouette of a cartoon character, like, what cartoon character is this?

And

like, indistinguishable.

They have.

Yeah.

That's so funny.

Did you want to say it to his face?

I don't know the guy that well.

Oh, you chilled with him this weekend.

I know, but you could have slipped in a conversation.

I felt like

it seemed like it probably would have hurt his feelings.

What I would have done is, like,

you're bringing Aiden out on the road.

You're giving him a lot of opportunities.

I would have been like, well, Aiden was saying that you look like an Arab version of the Philly Fanatic.

What do you think about that?

First of all, I didn't say an Arab version.

He looks like the Philly Fanatic.

Yeah, I said you look like a caliphate version of the Philly Fanatic.

The Caliph Fanatic?

The Caliph Fanatic.

Yeah.

No, you did well.

No,

it was a great weekend.

Yeah, you're being so hard on yourself, dude.

Every show is so.

He's so annoying.

Yeah, it was so.

Now he's like decided he's bad at Santa Protocol.

People were lined up out into the, you know, they were waiting to see you.

Yeah, well, afterwards, they want to ask questions about Adam, which I'm happy to answer.

What do you tell them?

What was it?

You know, they're like, what happened with Dasha?

And I go with, you know, I had to go in all the details and stuff.

And,

you know, I mean, the usual meet and greet kind of thing.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you're.

That's why people pay for tickets, is they want the inside school.

They want the hot gossip.

I'm glad you're getting the truth out there, dude.

I can't help myself.

They know my eyes will roll back into my head, and I'll just autistically catalog every detail of Adam's program.

December 4th.

You read from your police log.

And then Bonnie came out, and Adam and Bonnie spent two days together.

That had nothing to do.

First of all, that's not true either.

Yeah, they spent two days together.

That's not true at all.

They took a picture in his house.

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

They were in love.

You want, like, here's the thing, it's like, did I love you to Bonnie?

Yeah, that is true.

I did say that.

Yeah.

There you go.

Yeah.

She was like,

this is my I love you.

I hope Sonny's doing all right.

I hope so, too.

No, you don't.

You don't care.

What do you mean?

I don't care.

You were about to have.

Who's this Bonnie?

This is whatever, bro.

Okay.

Some girl came to my house and took a selfie, and then it became a controversy on the internet.

Because it's like celebrity gossips for like celebrity gossips for literally the biggest fags on earth.

People that are like, oh my god, Nick and Adam.

Yeah, so that's what but like literally Nick and I have discussed about how like we're starting this new show now.

We want to create more of a

more of a wall between our personal lives and the show.

And Nick is just, as you can tell right now, just completely incapable of it, of

not saying it's good, though.

It brings people out.

They want to know the show.

This is a motivator.

That is not what brings them out.

This is a motivator to get us out of the picture.

That's the meat and treatment.

Well, I agree.

A quick Adam Friedland show update.

Let's hear it from our executive producer, Nick Mullen.

The producer has come in.

He's cleaned up the storage room.

And

what's that?

Continue.

Yeah.

We still need.

We're getting the sound proving has been ordered.

So this comes in,

and then we got to get

the other shit.

That was a great update, Nick.

Okay, what's happening right now is we have a producer, and then right now we are interviewing different talent bookers so that we have our calendar full of guests.

And we'll have at least three months.

We hired a journalist to turn Adam into

Charlie Rose.

That is actually a true thing, unlike everything else Nick has said prior to this.

We bought shelves.

We hired a producer.

That's true.

No, no, everything, but that was all true as well.

Saying, I love you to bother.

Oh, so the personal stuff that...

I mean, for those playing along at home, that's none of that was true.

I like the collar setup you got going.

That is very Charlie Rose.

Half out, half in.

Wait, Charlie Rose is a dapper man.

You know what I want to do for all the interviews?

He never had a hair out of place.

Is when you introduce guests, and we'll do it, and

we'll block you in a way where they can't see it but uh I'll do fake book covers for every guest you bring on

and then you can introduce them as the author of uh

because I got to justify buying that photo printer

other than just the one uh the one book

oh yeah that's a great idea yeah thanks

so every guest will have a book every guest has a book yeah there you go only doing authors I'm just thinking about how like we were talking yesterday Nick about the show and he was saying about how we how we sh

was too much exposure to our personal lives.

And then in reality, I was just thinking about it through again, and it's literally just my personal life.

So far, yeah.

Literally, he had girlfriends,

we didn't mention their names for years.

It was just like, literally, just every aspect of my life.

I was smart enough to keep my relationship.

So you were saying that, like, you want to like

you want to capture this in some sort of creative way, but it's just literally like something that I've had to experience.

Well, that's every free show.

Yeah, exactly.

Aiden gets it.

Yeah.

This is why I bring this guy in.

How much is he paying you?

I'll take you out on the road, Aiden.

I'll take you.

It's weird being

Guantanamo Bay too.

It's weird being in the position now where you take people out on the road.

No, it's good.

It's good being good to people you

comics you like.

That's how the business works.

I took Caleb out to Boston.

I love that guy.

Very funny.

Yeah.

You know Caleb?

What's his last name?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Fuck.

I guess we don't know.

I guess we'll get that.

We'll figure it out.

But he's a good guy.

Yeah, he's a pretty good guy.

I met him

a couple times.

But he's around your age.

We should set you guys up on a play date or something.

That would be nice.

How old are you?

23.

Nice.

Yeah.

What's that all about?

The Jordan year.

I mean,

a lot of up and downs, you know?

I'll be 24 next month.

But I don't really know where we're going with this.

No, just, you know, Nick and I are over the hill now.

We're just old now.

We're old men.

We're just trying to talk to her.

No, we're just trying to live vicariously through you.

Yeah, that's true.

You are

killing myself with Chinese chemicals.

Yeah, we're just trying to live through you, brother.

These are good.

The elf bars are good for you.

I heard someone...

Someone I was talking to yesterday, his sister-in-law got lymphoma.

From what?

Vaping.

What?

What?

Yeah.

What do you mean, she got, they know that?

Yeah, she just went through her first run of chemo.

But she got it.

How do you know she got it from vaping?

She got it from

Puff Plus.

Puff Plus.

That's a good thing they don't.

Do you know that?

Yeah.

God damn it.

I don't want to get fucking lymphoma.

No, that's like the worst one, right?

No, I mean, they're all pretty bad.

I don't know that.

Are you thinking leukemia?

No, I thought lymphoma was a pretty bad one.

Isn't that the smoking one?

Is it?

I have no idea.

I didn't know you get lymphoma from vape pens.

I don't know.

Should I call him and see if I misremember that?

Yeah, get him on the phone.

Of course, dude, it's Chinese crap.

Yeah.

Dude, my friend, my friend, he owns a vape juice company, and they just had a call with the FBI.

I'm sorry, the FDA.

They just had a call.

Now Nick is looking up WebMD.

He's not going to be listening the rest of the show.

Yeah, you should.

You're so gay with all your fucking stupid quirks.

I'm not looking at it.

No, you're stupid.

Oh, my health anxiety and stuff.

You're more of a Jew than I am.

I'm literally not.

You didn't want to leave with the lymphoma stuff when I offered you this when I first got there?

I don't know.

That was anecdotal.

You know, that wasn't.

I listen to journals of medicine.

I don't listen to some guy being like, oh, my family's really sad because.

I was like, listen, leave your anecdotes to yourself, sir.

What is that?

Oh, yeah, my friend just had a, he has a juice company, a vape juice company that they've been running that the FDA is shutting down.

And they just had a call with the FDA.

And my friend would say to me,

he's like, listen, I'm just trying to sell poison to children that's highly addictive.

Can you get the fuck off my ass?

What did they say?

No, he obviously didn't say that, but he was retelling the story.

He was like, why can't they just fucking leave me alone?

I'm trying to sell poison to children that is highly addictive.

What's he think about it?

Does he vape?

Yeah, of course he vapes.

Well, that's far.

He stands by his product at least.

No, I think he...

I don't know if he...

No, they sell the juice that you put in the real pro rigs.

You put in the real...

Yeah.

That you put in those fucking

mods.

The suitcase mods.

The ones that the Hmongs use and do tricks with and stuff.

The Hmongs.

Well, that's another Minneapolis reference.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Not a lot of Hmong.

We don't have Hmong out here.

No, not a Hmong in this world.

So

what are your biggest issues with them?

I have no issues with them.

They're very hard-working people.

I thought you were saying that you didn't like them.

No, I just know that they love vaping.

Have you seen Grand Arena?

It's a good movie.

Yeah.

Those kids are Hmong, aren't they?

Yeah, they're Hmong.

But it's Hmong with an H.

Yeah.

But it's silent.

As far as I know.

I don't know.

Have you ever chilled with a Hmong person?

I don't think so.

Really?

I have a few.

You should have, when you were up there over in Minneapolis, you should have.

I don't know, dude.

I think I got to go get a check for lymphoma now.

I shouldn't have said that.

You shouldn't have.

It's got to be.

Whatever, bro.

Be an adult, dude.

The world is horrific.

Just hear horrific things.

And then just be like.

You're going to have to be living.

You just, yeah, I'm just going to fucking

keep chilling, doing my thing.

I figured it was worse for your heart, I guess, than it was.

No, you're putting shit into your lungs at high volumes of shit.

I guess it's not burning.

Is that the difference?

But what is it?

What it is, is it's

glycerin, vegetable glycerin.

I'm done.

No more vaping.

I'm done.

I've decided.

Because

Caden's

brother's wife.

That's all I needed to hear.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'm glad I helped Nick.

I can't say the same.

I'll probably still keep vaping, honestly.

Keep doing your thing.

Yeah.

like you said, you just.

I don't even enjoy it, though.

It makes me feel fucking sick, dude.

It makes me feel fucking disgusting.

Yeah.

I feel fine during the day until I start vaping.

And then the second that starts, I just feel like fucking dog shit.

I'm like, God, I get like fucking like, just, I'm sweating.

I mean, the minute I got in the door, I offered, and you're like, oh, yeah.

I can't resist.

There's no way to do it where it looks cool.

It's just such a, it's, it's, you don't look pink and green.

Yeah, this one's like for girls.

This is like the one, Elf Bar.

This is like marketed for little girls.

It is, yeah.

It's like the strawberry shortcake of apes.

It's like if you read like nylon mag.

That's nylon mag.

I don't know.

It was like a magazine that like girls that thought they were alt would read.

I think when they were like 12, yeah.

How long ago?

I don't fucking know, dude.

Adam's favorite magazine.

No, it's not my favorite.

You okay?

No, I'm fucking sick.

You know this.

Yeah, me too.

We're all sick.

With lymphoma.

We got the zinc, though, so you're good.

Yeah, the zinc.

That's all I needed, dude.

Pair it with the magnesium, it'll be fine.

What is zinc?

It's a metal?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

I got to take metal.

To feel better.

To feel better.

And you're trying to tell me that apes are bad.

Yeah, right.

Why would this metal be good for me?

I don't go bite metal.

I don't go put metal in my cereal.

Anyway.

So, um, so you were recently extorted by lesbians.

That is true, yeah.

That is a great story.

I'm in the midst of being extorted by lesbians.

Oh, they're still trying to extort you.

Well, I think when I get back I have a court date for because I didn't get approved for the one restraining order.

Lesbian court?

Yeah, something along those lines, I'm assuming.

I think they have a different judicial branch than all of us.

Yeah, yeah.

They have different laws.

It's like marathon law.

Yeah, lesbians.

Yeah, lesbian law.

But yeah, being fucking extorted by two lesbians, I can't say their name because then I'll start getting in trouble.

Shannon and Laser.

It's close.

Yeah, I mean, that's the sort of energy they bring.

There's the one that's not entirely lesbian when she gets a few drinks in her, and the one that's

mopping off some D.

Well, she'll start offering massages to fellas.

That's probably

the other one

probably doesn't take a liking to that.

She's encroaching on the Hmong territory.

Right.

This is Hmong land you're on right now.

Hmong business, yeah.

So speaking of online sports betting,

there we go.

We're going to get back to the story.

I don't have my phone on me, dude.

You don't have your phone on me?

I'll go get it for you.

Why don't you tell Aiden about my books?

Just give me the fucking.

Do you like sports?

A little bit.

I bet on basketball occasionally when my buddies send have me picks.

My boy Garrett, he'll shoot me.

He's got a system.

Yeah, he's a little bit.

He's got it down.

He won a grand, like, last week on 50 bucks.

On 50 bucks?

Yeah.

What was the bet?

Just a bunch of over-under bets on players.

A parlay.

Yeah, I think so.

See, if you want to go back in a time machine, you can make even more money than that.

With my bookie.

Mybookie.ag.

So, mybookie.ag is a platform where you can bet on games.

And not only can you bet on the games prior to the games, they have live in-game wagering.

So let's say you made a real dumb shit bet.

At the beginning of the match, you realize you've already lost.

They have constantly updated odds, and you can place bets.

Make it all back.

Make it all back in one

hell.

You can't use the ABS.

You can just

go for it all.

You can really, you're like, I fucked it.

I spent money that I don't have.

Now I'm going to borrow money from my mother.

Right.

And I'm going to spend money that she doesn't have.

And I'm going to get it all back.

And everyone in my life is going to, everyone in my life is going to be like, you know what?

Yeah.

You were all right this whole time.

Even though you vaped too much, you were all right.

Anyway, so they not only do they have sports betting on NCA football, NFL football, NBA, Major League Baseball, next season when it's back, NCA basketball.

They have betting on all this crap, but they also have,

you can bet on ponies.

They have tournaments.

Yeah.

I don't know what's going on, but Joey keeps sending me the updated copy, and it's a.dat file.

What's a dat?

I don't know.

Isn't that an audio format?

Virus or something.

Joey keeps sending us a fucking virus.

So shout out to Joey.

I gotta take this hoodie off, man.

I'm fucking overeating here.

Okay.

Keep going.

So

so, uh, they also have casino games, slots.

You like to play the slots?

You like gambling?

A little bit.

I don't like it.

I like to live in Vegas.

You lived in Vegas?

Where?

Yeah, I lived in Vegas.

You know, I'm from there, do you?

No, no, no.

I moved out there to stop drinking.

You know, I'm like Mr.

Las Vegas, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All this, right, yeah.

I moved out there to stop gambling.

What the hell?

Why to stop drinking?

You fell in with a bad scene.

Oh, it's just Wisconsin scene.

A bunch of homung lesbians.

As you do, yeah.

As you do.

You go on to thirsty Thursdays with the humong lesbies.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Lesbies.

Mybooking.ag.

They got prop bets.

They got spreads.

They got fucking

fucking matcher deposit up to $1,000.

It's NFL week eight.

You know what that means.

A lot of money to be made.

So he sent it to you.

No, I'm mi I'm I'm doing my job.

That's great, dude.

That sounded awesome.

That sounded like it was from the paper.

I'm I've been a professional broadcaster for six years.

Well, semi-don't get it twisted.

Just because I'm overheating and I have lymphoma, it doesn't mean that I can't do much more.

I'm sorry for saying that, dude.

Anyway, so we go.

Oh, they have casino games, slots.

You play poker,

whatever the fuck you do at a casino.

And if you put in our promo code ComeTown or Come Town20.

Come Town.

No, it's T-A-F-S.

If you put in our promo code T-A-F-S, you'll get a special sign-up bonus

deposit.

You'll get up

So if you put in $18 million, you're getting $18 million right back.

And guess what?

You can cash out immediately.

That's a free $18 million.

And that is what I like to call

can't lose.

So my bookie promise.

Yeah, can't lose my bookie.

Who's booking?

Guarantee.

My bookie.

Yeah.

Meaning your bookie.

Who bookie?

My bookie.

Is that like a black guy?

It's from their ad.

It's from their ad.

No, it's actually a white guy that talks like he's black.

Yeah.

Nick.

And the character is me.

What's wrong?

You have lymphoma?

No, I'm like overheating.

It's really hot in here.

Yeah, it is.

It's toasty, yeah.

We had all the radiators fucking plugged so they wouldn't make noise.

Also, we came in here like three weeks ago and the fucking place was just flooded.

This was flooded?

Yeah, the fucking road.

The studio was flooded.

It was broke, yeah.

We had a flood three weeks ago, yeah.

God damn it.

Maybe a little bit longer than that, but maybe a month ago, yeah, yeah, month or two, just uh, yeah, we've had a lot of it's been a real smooth ride, anyway.

But, um,

yeah, so go to mybookie.ag

it's a good place.

Put in promo code Tafts.

Is the $18 million really true?

No, it's a thousand million.

It's true.

Yeah, but it's free to get anyone's

fucking depositing $18 million at an offshore sports betting website.

I mean,

even $1,000, you're already rolling pretty high.

That is pretty hot.

Yeah.

But they have a team of experts that work for them that

really

are really good

at

making a sports betting website.

Nice.

That's how you know you can trust them.

You do UFC on there too?

Oh, they got UFC.

They got UFC?

You ever throw out all your spices and just start over?

Sometimes Sometimes there's like they get like a film on the outside of the spices.

There's just way too many fucking spices.

It's not a film.

It's because you cook stuff and

the steam.

Well it carries some of the oil, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

And then that just settles on all the shit.

You don't clean your kitchen, so that's what that is.

I thought you just said you got deep clean.

I did.

I'm saying him.

He's got it.

Yeah.

I have my

deep clean, but now I'm looking at it and

I got too many spices.

You don't want it it right now.

Yeah, when am I going to use white pepper?

You never know.

White pepper is good, dude.

It's very strong.

It's very good.

It's very strong.

When's the next time I'm making macaroni and cheese?

Maybe tonight.

Yeah, that'd be good.

I was watching a bit of that, the hoarders show.

Love it, dude.

It's such a good show.

It's a great show, dude.

Addicted to bullshit on TLC.

Yeah.

Intervention's a good one, too.

Yeah.

I got a good clip of this lady.

Let me see if anyways.

I sent it.

Just fucking just one of the hoarders' ladies.

It's somebody's mom.

Uh-huh.

And fucking the host of the show realizes that the mom's just been like overdosing her insulin, like on purpose.

And

yeah, she just says to the mom,

what did she say?

I've been trying to commit suicide for a while here.

That's what I'm hearing.

You've been trying to commit suicide for a while here.

Yeah.

That's my vibe.

Just on TV.

Yeah, so you've been trying to kill yourself lately?

Yeah.

What is it?

She's taking too much insulin?

Is that what she's doing?

Yeah, taking too much or not enough.

Insulin lowers your blood sugar or raises it?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

No clue.

I don't even know what blood sugar is.

Dude, it's amazing how much sugar

straight up.

But that's done.

I don't know so much stuff, dude.

I don't even understand periods.

Still, straight up.

Periods.

Yeah, I don't really get it.

It's not blood.

I don't believe it.

It's walls.

They say it's walls.

Look, the doctors have no idea what comes out of a woman's pussy.

There's all these fluids leaking out of the water.

They're talking like...

I don't know what you don't know, it's fucking blood or pumps.

There's white stuff sometimes.

We just don't have a name for this fluid.

Yeah, it's a white thing.

Yeah.

Discharge.

Yeah, they're like,

well, it's not calm and it's not pee.

It's like, okay, maybe it's a girl-specific fluid.

The doctors haven't even said what squirting is yet.

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying.

There's no...

That's literally the point I'm making.

Well, there's a lot of different fluids that come out.

Okay.

It is pea.

It is it?

Is it?

Sometimes it fucking smells like pea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's pea.

It's yellow.

It's delicious.

Yeah.

You got yourself with that one, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you ever drank pea?

No.

No, I can't say that I have.

Not even one time?

No.

Neither have I.

Cool.

So.

I thought you were going to say, yeah, to fit in, because you're with two cool, older got kids.

I'm like, yeah, totally.

I drink pig.

Yeah, I drink PM.

Y'all drink PM too.

And then we would have been like, fucking, you loser.

Not at all.

Does this feel cool to be on the Adam Friedland show?

On the Lymphoma episode?

The Lymphoma Elf Bar episode?

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody's sick and tired.

So tell us more about these punk rock lesbians.

Oh, right.

The lesbian.

Shit, yeah, we're getting back to the lesbian.

He was telling us this story before the show is very good.

We should have probably saved it for the show so it would be like the first time we heard it and then you get our real responses.

But I didn't know it was going to get so good.

Yeah, so I used to live with these two lesbians, like a couple, and I was giving them money for the electricity, and they were taking my money in my other room at Ira.

This is like 40-year-old black dude that does comedy.

A four-year-old black dude?

He's a four-year-old black dude.

I thought you were saying there was a four-year-old black guy with a Jewish man's name that did comedy in Minneapolis.

Yeah, you yeah, what's up?

My name, Ira.

Was that what Hmong is?

That's what Hmong is.

I didn't know this whole time, so I was waiting for her.

That's what Hmung is.

It's a four-year-old black man with a Jewish guy's name.

Anyway, so yeah, so they were taking your money and Ira's money.

Yeah, and spending it on booze and drug whatever they were spending on it.

Dental dams and fucking

renting nanet over and over.

Tarps

for all those squirting and stuff.

Hospital bills for when they beat the hell out of each other.

Yeah, they used to wrestle up there.

Yeah, I mean, the domestic abuse rates among lesbians is really high.

They were fighting all the time.

Yeah, they're like worse than cops.

Is that true?

Yeah.

They do.

Can you imagine dating?

No way.

You're getting your head.

You're just waking up to just a fist just every moment.

No alarm clock.

You're just getting punched in the face every single fucking day.

Yeah,

he said he went to a wedding

cops.

For two lesbian cops.

Oh, my God, dude.

I can't imagine what that home life is like.

Were they like into Punisher stuff?

You know what they call that?

I don't know.

Janet.

Arena 911.

Thanks.

Sorry.

Recognize that.

That was pretty good.

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

Because Janet Arino is a famously ugly woman.

People said, were you some sort of lesbian?

From the Clinton administration.

Yeah.

You don't remember Clinton at all.

You weren't alive for that.

No, that was like before my time.

Wow, it was pretty sick to me.

That's the thing about life.

You just keep getting older and

then you turn into a guy with dated rep.

I remember being like 22 and there'd be like older comedians that would be talking about like Charles in charge.

Yeah.

I'd be like,

what are you doing?

Why are you talking about Scott Bayo?

You're gay.

Yeah, you're gay and that's not funny to bring up.

No, that's us.

And everything out of my mouth is like Jenny Jones.

Yeah, yeah.

We're like, yeah.

Yeah, I'm talking about Rude Jude still.

I still make Rude Jude references.

What are you, Ellian Gonzalez?

Yeah, right.

Remember El Niño?

Yeah.

Fucking talking about El Niño.

You know about El Niño, my boy?

The names you just listed, I'm lost.

El Niño?

No.

One year the weather was different.

They were like, it's because of El Niño.

El Nino supposedly shouldn't have gone away.

It's just people just don't talk about it anymore.

Yeah, there's an El Niño every couple years.

Yeah, but we just don't talk about it.

That was like a huge thing.

What was it?

It was hotter outside or something.

It was more rain or something.

It was rainier.

And they were like, it's El Nino.

They were like, there's a new thing.

How long ago was this?

In the 90s.

In the 90s, bro.

You don't know any of this crap.

The president got a blow job.

Yeah.

I mean, I know that, but that's from Taku Venner.

We're going to tell you right now.

You watched Talky Vetters.

We didn't start the fire, dude.

We didn't start the fire.

That's right, brother.

The world's been burning since it's fucking started turning.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what are some other dated references that we can say?

Spice World.

Spice Girls.

Do you remember them?

Oh, I know the Spice Girls.

Yeah.

The Macarena.

The Macarena, you remember?

I remember plenty of weddings, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

They're doing Macarena at weddings.

At lesbian, lesbian.

Cob weddings, yeah.

You can exchange your vows.

I fucking love you so much,

bitch.

Fuck you.

I love you, bitch.

I love you too, bitch.

I can't wait to fuck later.

They have to put so much emphasis on it because it's just.

Because it's just third base.

Yeah, they're just fucking...

Yeah.

Fuck.

Were they big gals?

The one was.

The one was a big.

A big hookup and Matata we got here.

Just roll it through.

Remember that reverend?

Pumba.

Yeah.

Or was it Timon?

I don't remember which one was that.

I think it was Timon.

You remember Sham Wow?

Yes.

Yeah, I do that.

That was 2000s.

He was a kid for Sham Wow.

Sham Wow.

That guy beat up.

Punch the hooker.

Yeah, well, he got his ass beat by a hooker.

She bit his tongue.

Yeah, Tybo, Billy Blanks.

You don't remember Ty Wow?

I don't think I do.

There used to be a workout craze that was just karate.

It was a black guy.

It was just a black guy that was teaching fat women karate.

No.

tybo yeah his name was billy blanks he was a jack black dude this is pretty cool this is like a vhs tape yeah yeah he sold his tapes for 57.99 three easy payments it's a pretty good deal and he's like i'm gonna get you i'm gonna teach you karate winning in the cash flow business i remember my favorite infomercial there was this like weird guy with this like pristine goatee yeah that would like it was in some infomercial for like just like a pill that makes you shit normal who billy may is no that was OxyClean.

That was OxyClean.

Yeah, but it was this guy with this fucking little goatee.

And he'd be like, you know, he's like, he's like, I would help my little girl, my daughter, go to the bathroom.

And I remember looking at her feces.

And it was like, how is this massive turd coming out of such a beautiful little girl?

And I thought something was wrong with her, but he's like, well, it turns out

she's the one that's right.

I'm shitting too small.

So I'm thinking, like, how much shit is left in my ass?

And they set it up like he's on the news.

You know, it's like an infomercial.

So it's like a fancy.

Yeah, it's like a, yeah, yeah.

Right.

I've seen those.

And it was like, yeah, for some like pill.

And I can't remember any of the details other than I'm like, oh, it's the feces guy.

That would come.

He would talk about his dog.

Wait, so what?

It was a pill that would make your shit bigger?

Yeah, it would make your shit bigger.

What?

Yeah.

When was that?

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

The 90s, dude.

You miss a lot of it.

You stay up watching network television after fucking.

I miss a shit ton, dude.

After

11 p.m., it's just infomercials until 5 a.m.

Jesus.

Yeah, I do remember.

And there was nothing to do.

So you would just sit there and watch infomercials.

Yeah.

You missed the Atlanta Olympics,

96?

Dude, I'm going to go watch Richard Jewell when I get home.

That's a great movie.

It's so fucking.

You know, there was a bombing.

Oh, the one that

what the fuck is it?

Richard Jewell.

Yeah, but the guy in Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood, did the movie about him, right?

Yeah, that's a good movie.

It's a good movie.

It's amazing.

It's a really good movie.

It's a really fucking good.

Damn, all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's about a man who just got swept up in

an innocent man.

John Hamm's such a piece of shit in that movie.

He's really good at just picking up.

I told you I saw him.

I told you I saw him.

Me and my girlfriend ate dinner at the bar.

He was sitting right there.

And she got, she's so annoyed when I get excited about that.

I was like, it's Don.

She starts squirting.

It's Dawn.

She starts releasing.

No,

I was the one squirting.

I was like.

I'm just a vape coming out of her pussy.

No,

she isn't vape.

I was like, it's dawn.

I was like, it's really him.

She's like, shut up.

He can hear us.

And I was like, I'm whispering.

He's like, I can fucking hear you right now.

Yeah, I can fucking hear you.

I can hear everything you're saying.

Dude, he's so cool.

He looks great.

Yeah.

He's, wow.

He's so cool.

He's Fletch now.

You know that?

They brought back Fletch.

Oh, did they?

Yeah.

A movie that never needed to be brought back.

So, Adam, what are you doing this weekend?

Oh, by the way, I'll be at Magoobi's all this weekend.

I tried to cancel the shows because the ticket sales are, once again, abysmal.

Why?

I don't know.

I think it's just a bad market.

Baltimore?

Mm-hmm.

Timonium, Maryland?

Yeah, Timonium.

Isn't there like a big Baltimore market?

Yeah.

For comedy?

For Come Town?

I don't know.

We talked about Maryland a lot on the old

show.

But that was always Stobb's thing.

Stop was always branding this as

a mid-Atlantic show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I try to make it.

Now this is a Jewish Las Vegas show.

Yeah.

The Las Vegas kid.

The Las Vegas kid.

Adam's Jewish, and I'm the king of Las Vegas.

No, that's not true, dude.

You're not even from there.

Anyway, so these lesbians, they were stealing your money.

Right.

Back to the lesbians.

Yeah,

let's get to the bottom of this.

They were taking...

So Coco and Ding Bat are stealing your money.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

So they've taken our electric money, using it to buy whatever.

And then our electricity just continually keeps getting shut off for like days at a time.

So I finally just move out

and

they start sending me like, you owe us 200 bucks.

You owe us like 150 bucks.

They never had the same numbers.

And then they left me alone for like a year.

And then like recently.

They must have gotten strapped for cash because they started harassing me even harder.

They started showing up to shows with like this ringleader lesbian who like got me into the apartment.

Who's the ringleader?

Like at a circus.

Anytime you hear a bunch of keys on a carabiner, you start getting PTSD.

A little bit, yeah.

That's scary, man.

I'm sorry.

Wait, so the ring, who's the ringleader?

Describe, just describe this galaxy.

The key ringleader.

She's this big lesbian, walks around with a cane.

She's fat, you know.

She's got a cane.

Well, yeah, she's big.

She needs a cane.

Yeah.

And kind of like the what's that guy for the band from the 90s?

Popper.

John Popper.

Yeah.

Blues Traveler.

Blues Traveler.

Oh, that's a damn good band.

Oh, see, you know a lot about our culture.

Blues Traveler's been around.

But didn't he have a cane?

You want to show you?

Are you a Delimitri fan?

No.

Okay.

Screaming Trees?

No.

Dishwalla?

No.

See,

those are the 90s references.

I don't even, I wasn't even in that topic.

Yeah, I'm sure you don't.

No, because you were like hanging out with older kids.

Yeah, well, you were like seven hanging out out with like

smoking stove.

Yeah, smoking six.

Me and Norman Wilkinson.

Spitting on the ground.

Me and Norman Wilkinson hang out when I was in fourth grade, and he was 57 years old.

Norman Wilkinson will be featuring this weekend.

Dude, I got a stack.

I'm bringing in all the Wise Acres.

This is going to be a Wise Acres reunion this week.

Who is this?

You, Norman?

I got Andy Klein coming through.

I got Rob Mayer coming through.

Trying to get Tim Miller to come out.

I want the deep cuts.

I want Basil White.

I want Tom Flood.

Who's that?

The guy, the silent guy?

Tom Flood was severely autistic.

Like the old school autism that somehow doesn't exist anymore.

Like, I think we just

quietly genocided actual autistic people.

Yeah, yeah.

And now it's just, now it's like hot women with 300,000 Instagram followers that are like, I'm autistic.

Yeah.

It's like,

no, you're not.

You have a job.

You have your own apartment.

You're not pushing.

I'm severely autistic.

Yeah.

You're not actually going to push it.

I'm fucking retarded.

Fucking toaster.

Yeah.

But Tom Flood, yeah, Tom Flood, he pushed carts at

like Shopper's Food Warehouse somewhere off Route 7.

And he,

or maybe it was a Safeway.

His acc was like local news.

He would do that.

Yeah, I mean, it was nonsense.

It's like, you know, you couldn't really communicate with him.

He'd see you, and the first time he met you, he'd ask you your birthday.

And then anytime he saw you, he'd just like rattle off celebrities that also had your birthday and what was happening the exact day that you were born.

He could tell you the temperature, like what the weather was.

In Northern Virginia.

Yeah, he was obsessed with

local news.

Oh, local news.

And yeah, one time he went on stage and fucking, you know, it's an open mic.

You have three minutes.

But they would just let Tom do whatever he wanted.

And fucking Tom goes on stage.

I've already told this.

Well, not on this podcast.

Yeah, it's a new pod.

We have a new audience.

Yeah.

A whole new audience.

That is weird.

There's people that never listen to Come Town that are like, what's this Adam Friedland show?

Yeah, that are into it.

I'm giving it a shot.

I met one at a wedding.

Really?

Yeah, he said, my boys are, they didn't even know what come down with.

And they like this crap.

Yeah.

Well, you change the name.

Total rebranding.

Yeah, it's better.

Anyways, we're going to change the name next week, too.

Oh, shit.

We'll pick up with Tom Flood in a minute, and then we'll finish the lesbian story after we talk about Blue Chew.com.

Okay, so Blue Chew.com.

If you love, do you like sex?

Love it.

Well, then you'll love Blue Chew.

Then you love Blue Chew.com.

Blue Chew is a chewable

tablet.

And they got generic versions of Viagra, Cialis, and La Vitra.

LaVitra.

I love La Vitra.

I don't even know what La Vitra was.

I'm going to take La Vitra.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

What is it?

Yeah, well,

it's named after this woman.

Yeah.

La Vitra Jackson.

Yeah, she invented it.

She's like, y'all dicks don't work.

Y'all dicks too soft.

I'm getting in the lab.

I'm making something.

I'm going to get your dick hog.

I'm going to fix you up.

Yeah, she worked out.

Let me get your dick hog, baby.

Let me get you right.

Yeah, right.

Aunt La Vitra's.

Auntie La Vitra.

Yeah.

But yeah,

they're chewable tablets.

It's subscription.

You don't.

If you get them every month, you take them and they get your dick nice and hard.

So let's say you're out on the town with your fellas, getting too drunk.

You know, you're wasted.

But then there's a hottie at the bar.

And she grabs your dick.

She's like, what?

And you're like, oh, I was doing Coke also.

I'm not only drunk, but I'm also on Coke.

And I'm gay.

And I'm adding, adding, but I'm gay.

No, and I'm adding it, but I'm gay.

And

the doctor said that it barely counts as a penis.

Anyway,

you could consider this a golden ticket out of that awful situation.

You take a Bluetooth shootable tablet, and it'll make your head and ears very hot, but it'll make your dick hard.

How long does it take to kick it?

I think it's like 15 minutes.

It depends because there are three different medications.

So it depends on the one you get.

The one that's like.

See, Alice is like literally 36 hours.

You're not hard the whole time, but you can like get rock hard.

The dude after a show in Minneapolis

gave me a dick pill, and he was like, I'm not shitting you.

Your dick will grow in size.

He's like,

take this.

But he was saying purpose.

It was that fucking African guy from iHeart Huckabees.

Yeah.

Just a seven.

The coincidence guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The coincidence.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I haven't haven't seen that movie in a while.

I loved it in high school.

Yeah, it's a movie.

If you're like a pseudo- When I was 17, I was like,

this movie rocks.

Yeah.

I remember watching that, and I'm like, yeah, I get it, dude.

Yeah, I get this.

I fucking get this.

I'm smart enough for that.

I'm an artist.

I get this movie because I'm an artist.

All right.

Anyway, so

you go to this website.

Listen.

Here's your question.

And probably you're like, I don't want to fucking go to a doctor and tell them my dick is like.

It's not going to work.

Yeah, because the doctor's going going to laugh at me and be an asshole to me.

I don't want to go to the fucking pharmacy and have the pharmacist laugh at me and be like, oh, your dick sucks and stuff.

You get to go online.

You get to, from the comfort of your home, meet with one of their online medical professionals.

They write you the damn thing.

They send it straight to your house in discreet packaging.

No awkward visits to the doctor.

No awkward visits to the pharmacy.

Just getting your dick hard from the computer.

Straight to the mail.

Straight to the mail.

Street packaging.

Straight to your mouth.

Straight to your dick.

Awesome.

Straight to the pussy.

That's good, Nick.

Yeah.

They should consider using that in their copy.

Fucking poor micro scene, dude.

Why?

Well, he had a Chicago show tonight.

And

it was like, I guess, Lincoln Lodge or something, but his fucking flight got delayed.

And now he has to cancel the show.

He's just not going to make the poor guy.

Man, that guy, it's just, it's wild how

bad his luck is.

He has the fucking worst luck.

He has really bad luck.

It's fucking insane.

He's got perpetual bad luck.

Yeah, it's

damn.

Yeah, I mean, like,

and he's got these fucking lesbians following him around.

Yeah, the lesbians falling around.

But Mike Racine's a very fucking good comedian, and he's a fan.

He shouldn't have him fly to Chicago for a fucking one-nighter that, like, you know, gets fucking canceled anyways because of Delta.

I wonder what happened.

They beat up another Chinese guy.

Yeah.

They beat him up.

They didn't forget about that.

Yeah.

He was united.

I can't remember which one.

Was it the doctor?

The Chinese doctor?

Yeah.

Anyways, just

describing giant dried mushrooms.

Is it Come Town or Taps?

Come Town or Taps?

It's either Come Town, Come Town 20, or the Adam Friedland Show, or TAFS, or TAFS 20.

So try them all out.

You got plenty of time.

You got plenty of time to study.

Try them all out.

You go online, you get bluechew.com.

Your life is changed forever.

Okay.

Blue chew.com.

Let's go back to this

great story that Anna was telling us before the show started.

Yeah.

So the ringleader, the lesbian with the cane.

Does she have a top hat?

Kind of like a

circus.

I think she wears a bandana because she had cancer.

So I think she was doing a bandana thing for a little while.

Jesus Christ.

The Midwest is fucked up, dude.

She used to run this mic at a cafe that had had no microphone, but you'd get a $10 food credit.

So you're due to eat.

Yeah, so that's how I got linked up with these lesbians in the first place.

Because they were there to eat for free?

I was there to eat there for free.

She was like, if we just start doing comedy,

we can fund our macaroni and cheese, cheese and pussy eating habit.

Yeah, yeah.

The menu says macaroni and cheese and carpet.

Right.

Yeah.

Those have been too much.

Box and macaroni and cheese.

The box munch.

You're like, does this mean the box of macaroni and cheese?

They're like, no.

Isn't that Billy Bob Thornton's band's name?

The Box Munchers?

No.

Is it?

Billy Thornton has a band?

Yeah, the Box Munchers.

There's a clip of

being interviewed on some radio show, and the host goes,

so you're really passionate about music.

And then Billy Bob Thornton is like, why the fuck would you ask me that question?

He's like, would you ask fucking Tom Petty that fucking question?

And he's like, just being a dick about it.

And he's like, well,

no, but

he's Tom Patty.

You know what I mean?

It's like, you're a famous actor.

Yeah.

You're already successful.

It's your side gig.

Right, exactly.

It's not even a side gig.

You probably don't even make money.

Like, I fucking grew up playing fucking music.

I mean, the whole thing, too, is probably, at the time, he was probably method acting for Bad Santa.

Yeah, yeah.

He was still acting.

He was being a Bad Santa in the interview.

He's still just being very good at the thing that he's very good at.

He's being a Bad Santa.

Yeah.

A plumber once told me he knew the guy that cured

the Indian that cured Billy Bob Thornton's cancer.

Really?

I didn't even know Billy Bob Thornton had cancer.

He was a Native American?

Yeah,

sorry, Native American.

Well, no,

it was like he went to a sweat lodge or something.

I can't believe that.

They don't even know how to cut hair.

How fucking they cure cancer?

They don't even understand saddle technology.

Yeah.

Wait, so what?

So he knew the guy and he was just like, yeah, he said that there was this

Indian doctor in,

I think, northern Minnesota or northern Wisconsin that

helped his wife's bone cancer go into remission, and he was like, and he cured Billy Bob Torton's cancer.

Wow.

Yeah.

And it's real?

Allegedly, but the dude, he and I were fitting pipes with all the windows shut, and he doesn't wear shoes to work.

He wears flip-flops.

So

he was taking with the greatest.

Oh, I thought you meant laying pipe.

No,

at a construction job.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you were talking about.

I wasn't talking about you and this flip-flop guy double-teaming some

lesbian.

We're going to have Microcene back on the show.

And

next time he has a fucking date, you guys need to buy tickets and he needs to sell out.

No more of this Microscene only selling fucking 60 tickets in fucking Chicago bullshit.

Yeah.

So that's on, you get mad also.

I'm fucking pissed, dude.

Yeah.

You can be mad too, also.

He's not doing well, dude.

He's gained hundreds of pounds.

Yeah.

And most of those people that bought the tickets are protesters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anti-Italian.

Anti-Italian protesters.

They think he's Andrew Cuomo.

Yeah.

They got the wrong guy.

Yet again,

another case of mistaken identity.

What are you doing?

Cuomo Brothers doing that.

Cuomo, Chris Cuomo is on some of the fake news.

He's on some channel 1486.

Yeah.

Is it a show called Cuomo?

Yeah, he's on One America News.

That's it.

Yeah.

Is that what it is?

No, that one's like the one that's more right-wing than.

What's the guy's name?

Is like

Dirkberg or fucking.

It's like shy crap.

He's got some weird German name.

Yeah, yeah.

And then he just gets like livid.

He'll find like a tweet.

He gets pissed off.

It'll be like a zero follower account.

It'll be like, it'll just say Donald Trump's gay.

And it'll be like, no, he's fucking not.

He's not.

And I dare you to say that to my fucking face and it's like the news

yeah and they'll try to link us to like what liberals are doing what's the oh man i gotta find this guy again

it's not there's there's that other guy whose twitter is very funny yeah but it's not him it's it's someone else

no it's because like all the people on want american news none of them were journalists Right, they're like real estate agents that got into fucking whose like Facebook lives would pop up during the the election.

They'd be like, I'm fucking sick and tired.

And they're like,

we heard you had 300 views on Facebook Live.

Here's the television show.

You really popped off on that CVS employee for trying to make you.

Real America with Dan Ball, In Focus with Addison Smith, and tipping point.

Tipping point.

Yeah, Steve Bannon.

Steve Bannon's got a show?

He's got a show.

The channel ran a special titled Betrayal at Benghazi, The Cost of Hillary Clinton's Dereliction

and Greed.

The cost of Hillary Clinton, even just naming things they can't do.

They're like, hey, what should we call this Benghazi special?

How about Betrayal at Benghazi, colon, the cost of Hillary Clinton's dereliction and greed?

That's a great title for this fucking.

And then what are you supposed to do?

Be at work, being like, hey, last night, did you catch Betrayal at Benghazi?

The cost of Hillary Clinton's dereliction and greed?

No, I didn't.

Oh, really?

The next time, you should make sure to DVR Betrayal at Benghazi, the cost of Hillary Clinton's dereliction and greed.

I'm sure it's pretty good, though.

Yeah, I gotta find this fucking guy's name, though.

He's talking at him.

Sorry.

Whatever.

It's your show.

It's true.

Wait, Cuomo just had someone on, though.

I saw a clip of his show on TV.

Or on, like, Instagram or something.

Cuomo had, like, a big get on

his fucking.

Oh, Mike, just text me.

What do you say?

I really appreciate you guys coming on the show.

So what the fuck happens now?

He's just in Chicago.

Look, this is going up tonight.

Is he there?

This is going up tonight.

If you're in Chicago, fucking hit up Microcene and take this motherfucker out to dinner.

If his show got canceled,

you have to.

Somebody has to do something.

Life is gay.

Life is gay, dude.

Wait, what was I looking for?

I was looking for a Cuomo, that Cuomo thing.

Yeah, he's just had.

Yeah, he's back on like a.

Sorry, excuse me.

You want to talk more about those lesbians?

Oh, shit.

Don't put it on Aiden to run the show.

I'm just trying to find this clip, dude.

I'm trying to find this clip.

Tell me, I'm producing.

Tell me what you want me to find.

No, you're looking for something else.

No, I can do both, dude.

Oh, it's called News Nation, the thing he's on.

And his show is called Cuomo.

What's this?

Is it on News Nation?

I've never heard of that station before.

Yeah, it's like,

yeah, like some like, I don't know.

Soros-backed propaganda.

Yeah, what's this fucking game?

It's like Sheim Turd.

And that's like his last name is the name of the show.

Yeah, Sheime.

She's like, yeah.

Sheim Turd Nation.

Yeah, it's something.

She'd country.

That's what the fucking guy's name, dude.

Why can't I remember it?

It's like Glenn something, right?

Wait, so two years ago, these lesbians started showing up to your shows in Minneapolis.

Oh, no.

This was like this summer.

This summer.

Yeah, this past summer.

Yeah.

I lived with them a year ago.

And then they enacted, what, like a smear campaign against against you?

Yeah, pretty much.

They started showing up to the shows and

basically just like cornering me and being like, you owe us money.

You need to pay.

Either $150 or $200.

You owe us the money.

And I'm like, avoiding them.

And then I get a call from the angrier of the two, the actual lesbian.

And

she was like, I didn't have her number saved.

So I get this phone call.

I'm like, hello?

And she's like, what's up, Aiden?

You little fucking bitch.

It's a, I almost said her name.

It's so-and-so.

And she's like,

you owe us fucking $3,000.

I'm going to slash you.

I'm like, whoa, whoa.

I'm going to slash your tires.

Slash your tires.

I'm going to show you.

She don't give me $3,000.

So they upped it to $3,000.

$3,000 now.

Yeah.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

And she just hangs up the phone.

And then she makes this big, long Facebook post about Aiden McCluskey.

I think she, at one point, she called me a shyster.

Oh, anti-Semite.

Yeah, even though you're a famous Irishman.

I'm an Irish guy.

Yeah.

By the nose, like, I'm very red in the face.

Yeah.

She makes this.

Or they.

Yeah.

But it's

only at that time of the month.

It's blood, the question mark.

It's blood, maybe, or the walls of something that's inside of a

whatever it is.

Yeah.

Is it the pussy walls?

You know what it is?

It's the back walls.

It's their back walls falling.

I honestly, I think it's it's actually feces.

It's poo-poo.

That makes more sense.

It's a type of feces.

In the same way that squirrel is P, menstrual fluid is just feces.

It's poo-poo.

Yeah.

Squirt is P.

Yeah.

Period is poo-poo.

That makes sense.

We'll spread that.

I'll figure it out.

At the bottom of it all.

Why can't I find this?

And that is what Governor DeSantis wants us to teach our children.

Coming up on crap muraler.

This guy fucking, this guy said Donald Trump sucked.

Fuck you, pal.

How dare you fucking say that to the fucking president, the rightful president?

I love his

letterhead for his memos that he does.

It basically looks like the presidential seal.

It's like from the desk of Donald J.

Trump, former president, you know, like whatever.

But it just like looks like it's official presidential letterhead.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're all going to have to vote for Donald Trump.

We're all going to have to register as Republican.

Against DeSantis?

He cannot become president.

He's not a good guy.

No.

Yeah, no.

We've got to have Donald Trump as the Republican candidate.

Yeah, I mean, even for just for show business sake,

it's just going to be better television.

DeSantis just being mean to Biden.

Although, what we learned, though, in

the Pennsylvania election is that if one guy

is mentally impaired and the other guy's being mean to him about it, it kind of does backfire.

A little bit.

So, if DeSantis is going to be mean

to old Sleepy,

I don't think regular folks will take kindly to that.

They'll be like, I'm retarded too.

You shouldn't be mean

to me.

You shouldn't be mean to Biden.

We both have the same.

You can't.

You can't just.

That poor guy.

You can't just say that.

I just feel bad for Biden.

Look, here we go.

This is the Dark Adam Friedland show on OAN Nights with Chris Boyle.

And it's Adam.

It's Dark Adam.

Wow.

We gotta get Chris Boyle on.

Wow, that's me.

That's me if my less.

Bizarro World Adam.

Yeah.

Let's hear what he sounds like.

Shelbyville Adam.

Holy shit.

Let's see.

Let's hear what he sounds like.

Yeah.

Put him on.

In fake news media that's been tearing our country apart.

Then join me, Dan Ball, week nights on What America News from Dan Ball.

Real America.

I'm a proud patriot with over 20 years.

I'm Steve Suck.

I'm Steve Cum, and I'm the host of Real News.

He's a proud news.

Why do they just have to say real all the time?

That is actual television.

It's news, baby.

We promise.

This is actual television.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this is real news.

I don't know.

When you click on Chris Boyle, it's a bait and switch.

It goes to the fucking Dan Ball shit.

Oh, my God, dude.

A host of the new show Nights with Chris Boyle.

Only available through Unamerica News Video On Demand.

A half hour taking a sneak peek behind the headlines, featuring relaxed, in-depth conversations with

pull up some YouTubes of this guy.

What's his name?

Chris Boyle.

O-A-N.

Let's see what this guy is doing.

That's what I would be doing.

Very natural pose.

Yeah.

That's what I would do.

Very relaxed.

That's what it looks like when a normal guy takes his glasses off.

That's what I would do if I was on Conservative Channel.

With Addison.

What's her name?

Weekly briefing with Chanel Rion.

Adam, keep talking.

All right.

No, no, I'm getting this vid.

Just tell me what to look up.

Look up this.

Oh, shit.

It's a video of Chris Boyle interviewing.

Yeah, I guess they only have seven shows.

Yeah, dude.

But they just keep them rolling.

What is the rest of the time?

Oh, you think?

I don't know, dude.

What's the fucking, what's that Glenn Crap Mueller show, dude?

Why can't I fucking remember?

Crap Mueller.

You grew up in Wisconsin.

That's a Wisconsin-sounding name.

Crap Mueller.

Absolutely.

They all got weird names like that out there.

Oh, over at Glenn Crap Mueller's.

We had the Crap Mueller's house.

Oh, the Crap Mueller's had the good Halloween candy this year.

Oh, the Crap Muellers.

Yeah, and

they just they ride around town thinking they're better than everyone else because because Mr.

Crab Mueller is an orthodontist

just judging everyone is McCrab Mueller an orthodontist

I'm trying to think well we just got a dentist's office oh nice yeah in your town in Minneapolis yeah in the Abbott they have lesbians in Hmong but they don't have fucking dentistry they have lesbian scoundrels from what it sounds like wait let's like go but let's go back to the story

so they hit you up.

They say, you owe me three, the number is now $3,000.

If I don't get it, I'm going to trash your shit.

Slash your tiles.

Slash your tires.

Send people to your house.

Send lesbians or something.

Like ninjas.

To your house.

To attack you.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So.

It's so funny to have

that as a group of enemies.

I know.

I was like,

everyone I explained it to, they're like,

like lesbians and i'm like yeah well it's like yeah you are like a me kind of fella right it's like we could like you know

we look like maybe like we're on tea or something like we're like a girl that's like right yeah transitioning a little bit or something i there was someone that came in the green room in san francisco and said ma'am and he said

i was wondering who the uh transgender person in all the pictures was about you yeah about me and i just had to sit there and i was like yep, yep.

Yeah, sure.

Wait, so they said this.

They made all these threats.

Then you

try to take out a restraining order.

So they make all these threats and then they start sending fucking.

I start getting just piles of DMs from people being like, hey, you piece of shit.

You need to pay them your money.

Because you're.

Because, wait, but the Facebook post said that you were like anti-lesbian or something?

I'm not an ally.

You're not

basically fucking over this poor lesbian couple who's just trying to make it in the big city.

Yeah.

Of Minneapolis.

Of Minneapolis.

And I'm this

comedian with a shit-eating grin who's just stealing $3,000 from them.

The number is now $3,000.

Right.

A power bill would never be $3,000.

That's like if you don't pay your electric for five years.

Forever.

Forever.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They fucking create this GoFundMe page with my picture on the GoFundMe Being like, this piece of shit

refuses to pay us our money.

And it's hurting our credit, which, like, to begin with, can't be good.

You know, they're two fucking lesbians in a failed band.

It can't be good.

And

so.

They make the Facebook post.

They make the GoFundMe.

I start getting harassed through these DMs.

What's going on with the eight-year-old comedian or the four-year-old?

Ira?

He's also getting harassed, but they're kind of leaving him out of it.

Because he's a black guy.

Yeah.

That's what I'm surmising.

It's tougher to go after.

It's hard to go after because I mean, on the totem pole, he's a little above the LGBT.

You're a straight white man.

And I'm at the bottom.

You're a straight white man.

I've got nothing.

So they chose me to go after.

So I get all these Facebook posts and shit.

And then I call

a lawyer and I'm like asking what I should do.

And then after I get all this advice, I'm like,

can I make an Instagram post mocking them?

And they were like, that would almost, if you cover up all their names, that would almost be the best thing you could do.

A lawyer said this.

Yeah.

So I was like, perfect.

So I screenshot all their names.

So you got back at them.

Yep.

And I take pictures of it.

You were sick of getting the abuse.

You were like, I'm going to turn the tables on these abusers.

That's right.

Yeah.

This is like a news story that they would have on OAN.

This is like

about how difficult it is to be a straight woman.

All around this country.

Gangs of lesbian women are harassing

innocent, innocent Minneapolis-based comedians.

And then she, one of the threats she uses is

she says she knows Melissa Carey, Jim Carrey's ex-wife as of 1996.

And she's like, that's a big fucking deal.

So she starts throwing my name around to Melissa Carey.

And Melissa's like, we'll get this solved.

No way.

Yeah, she's in the gang now.

Yeah, Melissa Carey's in the gang.

She's in the lesbian gang now?

That's right.

Wow.

So I'll find.

She's like, if you don't fucking pay, I'm going to get Jim Carrey's ex-wife now lesbian.

So she makes this Facebook post, and one of the commenters is Melissa Carey and she sends me a screenshot and says, She's like, now you're in for it.

Yeah.

Jim Carrey's ex-wife.

She goes, Melissa Carey.

That's Jim Carrey's ex-wife.

Yeah, the comedian?

The mask?

Maybe you've heard of that movie.

No way.

No way.

No way.

The mask?

Maybe you've heard of this movie.

And then she said,

send your portion or this will continue and I will not stop.

Let me know when you do.

Thank you.

Oh, and I'm serious.

And then Poe sends me, after she gets the restraining order, restraining order, LOL, thanks for making our lives easier.

You're dumb.

Hey, can you tell the cops I need one?

Tell them about how we paid your gas electric bill.

God bless.

And then sends me a Google image of her and Fortune Femster for some reason.

The comedian?

Yeah.

What?

That's the extorter?

Yeah.

Why and Fortune Fempster?

Well, if you read the whole Melissa Carey text, she's like,

oh, and I actually know a bunch of comedians.

Fortune Femster just did act me.

Probably not familiar with her.

She's way above your skill set.

It's like, I don't, yeah, okay.

Melissa Carey and Fortune Femster, I'm on their shit list.

Dude, you're fucked.

I'm fucked, dude.

You're literally fucked.

So that, yeah.

Once they drop Ellen, you're done.

I'm fucking out.

You're done, dude.

You got to change your name.

Yeah.

You got to move down to Mexico.

I got to go into the Hmong community.

You got to go into the Hmong.

They will protect you.

And they'll help me.

They will protect you.

I'll bring some vape juice from your buddy.

Oh, yeah.

He's got a fucking store remove it.

He's not allowed to sell it anymore.

Perfect.

I'll bring it over to them and be like, guys, I need help.

I think the FDA was asking my friend.

They were saying, like, we want to see you destroy it.

No way.

They want to have someone watch him destroy all of his vape juice?

Insane.

Did he at least make his money from it?

They were like, come on, bro.

They were like, come on.

Just let us sell this poison.

We're giving lymphoma a kids.

That's got him real nervous.

Yeah, he's annoying, dude.

Nick's on the phone in the hallway right now, so I can talk shit.

But yeah, he's mad annoying, dude.

My allergies.

Shut up, bro.

Shut up.

Shut up.

You can't just decide that you have some sort of...

You can just be actually sick or not sick.

Anyway, you got me a little nervous about the lymphoma, to to be honest.

Well, yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I feel bad if I got you nervous because you're a new friend.

But, like,

it's an ant, like you said, it's anecdotal.

I mean, what else was she doing that led to the lymphoma?

It can't just be vaping, right?

She was cheating.

That'll do it.

God will give you that.

She was cheating.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah.

She was cheating and apparently being a real big slut about it.

Well, she's paid in space.

God.

Yeah, that was a God thing.

It It wasn't an alphbomb.

That's what she did.

God.

Right.

God is a woman, obviously.

And she's.

And she's a huge fan of Melissa Carriage and Forge Pempor.

And Forge Femster, dude.

Which is why I'm fucked.

So you're fucked.

So I go to the court and

I file this restraining order.

Which

the craziest thing about it is you can literally, like, I had to show zero proof.

Right.

All my work.

You could just be a nerd.

Yeah.

It could be be a nerd who has a crush on you.

Right.

You could be like, oh, I want a restraining order.

Yeah.

I had to show no proof at all.

I just had to write in my own words what she said to me.

So you could just get anyone to stay away from you.

Yeah, pretty much.

That's the law.

You simply have to lie.

Wow, that's cool.

So I go and then the clerk of courts, when I like hand her the paperwork, she's like, so

I'm trying to understand.

She's like, you have a couple.

And I was like, yep.

And she's like, that you lived with.

And I was like, yep.

She's like,

lesbian couple.

And I was like, yep.

And she's like, and from what I gather, they're extorting you.

And I was like, yes.

And you could obviously tell she's trying not to laugh in my face.

And I'm like,

she's like, it says, here you want a court date.

And I'm like, yeah, I absolutely want a court date.

So when I get back, I think it's at the end of the day.

You're not going to take the fucking abuse anymore.

Well, I'm done.

You're fighting back.

You're going to laughed at.

You're getting laughed at.

It's the plight of the straight white man, dude.

It is so hard.

Tonight on OAN, tonight on Freedland Factor.

There you go.

Anyway, yeah, continue.

So I think when I get back, I have the court case.

I have to go to court.

What are you going to wear?

Probably a baby blue suit jacket.

I'm going to really dress up, you know?

Oh, like kind of 1950s.

Yeah, I really want to rub it in their face.

And like.

You got to dress nice.

You got to dress rich.

Like you have the $3,000.

Right.

Armani, power suit, briefcase.

Slick back hair.

Blotting sweat off my head with a $100 bill.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to represent yourself?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I have all the proof.

It's not that hard to be a lawyer.

No.

I was a legal assistant for a few years.

I think I do it.

Really?

Yeah, it was my passion.

That's really, comedy really took me away from my passion of being a paralegal.

How long were you paralegal?

That was like my job

after college, before I

made

the last one I did was an all-women's divorce law firm.

Damn.

And I was the only man that worked in the office, and it was the best job I ever had.

I bet, dude.

It was so sad.

Family laws.

And they were like reverse sexists because there was another paralegal that was a girl.

I guess they were just regular sexist.

But they'd be like, they were all Jewish women, too.

And they were like constantly going to the bathroom and the doctor just constantly just in and out i'm going to the doctor i'm going to the bathroom like announcing they're going to the bathroom which is so really weird yeah and then it was the office it was tight it wasn't that big of a firm and then they were like um

they were like um they go up to like me and they'd be like adam do you know microsoft excel and i'd be like um

And they'd be like, no, you're a guy.

You wouldn't understand it.

And they'd be like, and then they make the girl, they'd be like, like can you do this because adam he's a guy he can't understand excel that's they like wouldn't reverse sexism totally right they wouldn't under they thought that like

right they so that i got like i don't have to do shit that makes sexism sound so tight it's just like

yeah oh you don't know how they were being sexist to women for me you're just a dumb man yeah you're so stupid as a man yeah so then i'd just like be in the file room like reading people's divorce files isn't that shit crazy dude It's crazy.

It is like the most personal stuff that is like filed into court as evidence.

It is like text messages, like I'm, you know, we've all said crazy shit during a breakup.

Yep.

Yeah.

And imagine like those being like put in as evidence.

It's insane.

Crazy.

I remember one that I had to like

organize for trial.

And in the woman's phone, she had him screenshot.

It was a divorce firm as well?

Yeah.

It was like a family law thing.

Family law, yeah.

And

they had,

or she had his contact information as Sperm Donor.

Yeah.

So I had to screenshot all of Sperm Donor's text messages and organize them and then have her clarify that sperm donor is such and such person.

So like when you go to the court, they have to say like, sperm donor is actually

this person's name.

There were some celebrities

that were represented by my firm damn that I read there

and one of them

You know

One of them was a lesbian very famous lesbian.

And they did both of her divorces.

Yeah, yeah, both of her divorces.

Yeah, she got mad paper too.

I didn't realize she had that much money

really

That's the thing you find out a lot and like

I was a legal assistant in a small town.

So like I was seeing these people out at bars and stuff.

I Like, oh, I know exactly what you're going through.

I know your wife hit you in the head with a broom earlier this week.

Like, I

know that shit happened.

I just have to pretend like it didn't.

And you have to, like, it's crazy.

Family court is crazy because, like, all that shit is the law has to, like, work its way through.

Yep.

Just like people being monsters to each other.

And at one point, they got along enough to have kids and to get married, and then they just fucking, it all falls apart.

Sad.

And they just say the worst shit to each other.

Tonight on Freedland Factor, the American family.

Yeah.

What has happened?

What is Nick doing?

He's on the phone right now.

Yeah, he's still

in the middle of the phone.

In the middle of the show, I don't care, actually.

I'm having fun talking.

Well, it is your show.

Yeah, it is my show.

I'm having fun talking to Aid.

Anyway, but.

Wait, so they laughed at you.

You got the restraining order.

Next week is court.

Yeah, I got court when I get back.

Are you going to do the southern lawyer thing?

The ladies and gentlemen of the genre.

They're like, there's no jury jury here i'm being extorted by these two lesbians i'm thinking you fill the entire gallery i'd love to with mung

these are my mung brothers yeah you gotta you have to have like the frat pull up you know what i mean you gotta have like backup like my uncle died

last year and his his son is in college

and his whole frat pulled up to the funeral To the funeral, and they were all like standing in the back.

All the brethrens were standing in the back to like be there for their boy.

And for me, I thought that was really powerful.

You know, the way and then

and then they made a t-shirt for my uncle for when he was like fighting cancer and stuff, like with this like quote from him.

And all the brethrens were wearing the t-shirt

standing in the back, like stand still holding it down for their boy.

And I was like, that's true brotherhood.

So you got to get that with a mug.

I'll get my face airbrushed out of of the t-shirt.

Hell yeah.

And I'll make all the Hmong.

And in the back, it'll say Team Aiden.

Like

you're a boxer.

Yeah.

Like Team Pacquiao.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah.

Team Aiden.

And they're all in my corner because I bought them the vape juice.

And on one side, yeah, we got to go.

Okay, we got to go to New Haven, Connecticut.

We got to get all my boys' vape juice.

Bring it back.

Give it to these Hmong.

Hook them up.

Get them shirts.

These lesbians are not going to know what.

No, they have no fucking idea.

Go to the mall.

Airbus airbrush shirts.

That's right, dude.

Yeah.

Are Hmongs good at

like

match matchstick match tricks?

I don't know.

In my high school, Korean kids,

I mean, I don't know.

I'm probably, that's just a different type of Asian, I understand.

But Korean kids were sick at matching.

I've never heard of match tricks.

Yeah, they just had to book matches?

Yeah, they'd do like fucking crazy shit with books.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I wonder if this is just

whatever.

All you know is that they like to vape.

Do they drive

those like

cars?

Acuras.

Integras.

Hondas.

Yeah, Hondas low with the cambered wheels.

Yeah, they're like, they like, yeah, like

imports.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, as Too Fast, Too Furious kind of shit.

Yeah, as I've been told, they're called rice cars, but I wouldn't call them that.

I would call them just.

I would call them just cars.

Just cars, yeah.

Rice cars.

They call them ricers, yeah.

They don't even make them out of rice.

Why do they call them?

Everybody, that's what.

Why would they call them that?

Why?

Yeah.

Well, come on.

I mean, this is where you need an issue.

When they trick them out.

Because they're fucking Asian, dude.

And that's what they eat over there.

Everyone eats rice.

Everyone eats rice.

Yeah, I don't know.

All over the world people eat rice.

Why are they saying it's just them?

Chicken?

What is this with chicken?

Only black people like chicken?

Everyone likes chicken.

Everybody likes chicken.

Those aren't stereotypes that I think are bad.

Tonight on Freelan Factor.

My final thought.

Everyone likes rice, and everyone likes chicken.

So you've swung back around.

Now you're on the.

This is like an MSNBC type.

No, it's just like you don't know where I'm at.

Oh,

wild card.

One second, I'm like, the American family, the lesbians need to be controlled.

One second, I'm like, don't be racist.

You know, it's just, you know,

it's like a stossel thing.

Yeah, why?

John Stossel, I remember that guy.

Yeah, he swung both ways.

You never knew which way Jon Stossel broke.

And I'd be bisexual.

I'd be extra swinging both ways.

Oh, shit.

They wouldn't know what to do with you.

They really wouldn't know what to do with you.

I'd be

fucking.

You don't know what comes next, bro.

No.

Dude, yeah, whatever.

How are we doing on this episode?

Nick is gone.

Guys.

I think we're doing all right.

Oh,

we're deep in the episode.

We've done 20 extra minutes for the kids.

Anyway, guys,

Nick's out of the room.

Here's the update.

The update is we're talking to talent bookers by the end of this week.

Once that is in place, then the talk show will be up and running.

I think that we've learned a lot of lessons the last couple weeks.

And it is, to some extent, pretty funny that Nick and I publicly said that we knew how to make a television show.

But guess what, folks?

We're learning how to make a television show.

And what we really appreciate is that you're with us, by our our side, holding our hands, rooting us on, saying, Go, Nikki.

Go, Adam.

We love you.

We appreciate your support.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you, Aiden, for being on the show.

Anything you want to plug or anything like that?

Thanks for having me.

What time is the court date?

Oh, maybe we can get some of these fuckers.

Maybe we get some of these fuckers at the courthouse.

Yep.

Picket lines.

There we go.

That's what we need.

I don't know when the court date.

Yeah.

With like a circle with a cross, like an X through it, but it has a box in the middle of it.

Yeah,

follow me.

I'll post the court updates at AIDS Man109.

Got it.

And it's a very funny stand-up.

I met him on Long Island.

Nick initially met him in Minneapolis.

He was featuring an Acme.

He's a great guy.

You got a big future ahead of you.

Thanks, dog.

All right, bye.

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