EP. SNT – Sneezing

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Yeah, thank you.

And we're live.

And we're live.

Welcome to the Adam Freelance Show, the Wednesday episode going up for free on feed.

This is it.

And if you like spending money on the show, you can go to patreon.com/slash T-A-F-S.

And if that's not enough for you, you can come see me at Phoenix in Phoenix this weekend.

Phoenix, Arizona at the

Stand Up Live, I think is the name of the venue.

We got a hustle to move those tickets.

Phoenix, Arizona, I'll be there.

And then next week, I'll be in Minneapolis at Acme Comedy Club.

That's where I'm from.

You're from Acme Comedy Club?

Yes.

You haven't sold out those shows yet?

The shows, none of my shows sell out anymore.

Yeah.

I mean, the people that wanted to see me went to Austin.

They all drove 15 hours to go to Austin.

And

now I'm struggling.

Yeah, they drove.

Buy those tickets, folks.

Come on.

If you're listening to the show right now and you live in anywhere close to these two cities, buy the tickets.

Phoenix.

Thanks, man.

Phoenix.

Why would you not buy the tickets?

Phoenix is really nice.

That's really nice.

That's no sense.

If you are a fan of the students.

See, you're coming in hot on this one.

I'm a little hot on the microphone, I think.

I think we've got to turn that down a little bit.

No, you're actually

perfect.

Adam, how are you?

I'm not sick, that's for sure.

You know, Nick, I was walking over to the studio from my apartment today.

Yeah.

And

you walked here from your apartment?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's actually not a bad walk.

It's a nice walk.

It's a nice walk.

I'll tell you something.

Any walk in New York City is a nice walk.

I really fully believe that.

Even the walk of life.

That's right.

Well, that's one of the best walks.

What about the walk away from the World Trade Center after you've escaped on September the 11th, 2007?

Speaking of walking, I saw something insane happen this morning.

I was in the coffee shop waiting to get coffee, and there was a woman in a wheelchair in front of me.

And she was talking to the baristas, and

she was explaining to them.

They were like, how's it going?

She's like, I don't know, kind of having a rough day.

I went outside this morning and someone had stolen my ramp.

To get in and out of?

They took her ramp.

You know who did it?

Who?

Skaters.

Why would they do that?

So they can do tricks off it.

What do you think?

Not just kind of.

I'm telling a tragic story.

That's heartless.

I'm trying to find a comedy in it.

So I was walking over to the studio and I.

You know, you don't sound good for you telling me I'm sick this whole time.

This is how I sound like on the radio.

You sound gravelly.

Oh, that's my voice.

So I'm walking over here and I see an

ostensibly homeless man sleeping on a very large, like, soft, plushy white couch.

It's like a crate and barrel couch.

Oh, really?

It's like

it's nicer than anything in my apartment by far.

And I'm looking at that and I'm like, geez, that's a nice couch.

And I've wanted a couch for a while.

And well, you got to be homeless now.

Well, he kind of has a better situation.

Then I call Adam because I tell him I'm coming over.

Well, you sit down on the couch next to him and make the call.

Yeah, you make the call.

And I say, Adam, it's Stephen.

How are you?

And Adam says, he sounds terrible on the phone.

He says, I'm

just waking up from a nap.

I don't know what's up or what's down.

He's been sick for a day.

He does it literally every month.

He does this.

I go, I missed the memo.

Yeah, he gets everyone's.

I'm not sick.

I didn't say that I was sick.

It was nap time.

You can't tell that he's sick because his normal state is kind of slouchy.

Called him 45 minutes later.

Still sick.

Still nappy.

I got a text just now.

It says it's from the IRS.

I bet you it really is that.

Let's call him up.

Let's get Vikram from the IRS on the phone.

Well, it's not from a phone number.

It's from.

Do you want me to read their email address that they sent me?

This is always amazing content.

The phone content.

Yeah, the phone stuff.

The scam likely.

Yeah, well,

I think that that really is the IRS.

So yeah, so but but to go back

Stephen.

No, no, you're not.

As we have our friend Stephen Grew, it's often mentioned on the show.

Also editor of all of our video content.

The phone should be able to tell you if someone's fat.

That it's surprising that technology hasn't gotten to that point.

Yeah.

You know?

And then it says ham likely.

It's of a big fat self.

That's good.

Adam, are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm feeling great.

I've never felt better.

I was kind of reluctant to come in here after I talked to you on the phone.

You don't sound good.

I feel great, dude.

I started feeling a little bit tired yesterday.

And then Nick, I called Nick.

He said he was also feeling tired.

I was definitely like, I woke up yesterday and my nose was like

not congested, but you know, when your nose just hurts.

Yeah.

And then

like I slept it off, and then I feel fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm back.

It made me sleep enough.

You know, because usually I only sleep like four hours a night.

You got the sleep you needed.

Yeah, I got a full eight hours sleep.

I wake up.

My face looks fine.

My skin's not all fucking pallid.

You're good.

Yeah.

And then, you know, it's like this, I used to have this every night, and now I just never get that kind of sleep anymore.

So you got to get sick all the time.

I don't know, man.

I just want to sleep.

Maybe you can have like a terminal illness or something.

You'll

just be healthy.

You'll get eight hours a night.

Yeah, I'd prefer not to have a terminal illness.

Well, a lot of people say life is a terminal illness.

And a sperminal illness.

That'd be nice.

HIV.

That'd be nice.

Anyway, so yeah, I'm not sick, Stephen.

I didn't want to step on any toes there, though.

You guys were locked in.

What does it look like to watch?

I've never seen you do this.

What does it look like?

It's very exciting.

To watch two geniuses of their craft podcast.

You guys couldn't look like you're phoning it anymore.

We're not phoning it more.

You're not phoning it anymore.

You're like yawning over here.

You're sick.

Well, I've been working all day.

Yeah, and I get sick all the time.

It It doesn't count as sick anymore.

It's you're just common.

That's just your state.

I'm just sick, bro.

I don't have COVID.

Don't worry about it.

How did

you see could one guy be?

I did have dinner last night with

my girlfriend's grandfather.

How sexy could one guy be?

Boy, I'd like that guy to fuck me.

Spit in my face, bend me over, and call me a girl.

Boo!

Boo!

Sing the song normal!

Ain't life a kick in the pants?

Is that what that is, or no?

Am I wrong?

No, I don't know.

I wasn't.

Is it Frank Sinatra?

It sounds like it.

I don't know.

Is that what the song is?

I don't know.

Yeah.

You know, they called him the chairman of the board.

Carrotop.

Carrotop.

Yeah.

Well, Carrotop was originally in the Rat Pack.

You know that.

It was him, John Lovitz, Frank Sinatra.

They had,

what was his name?

William Hung from American Idol.

She bangs.

They had,

what was it?

The little boy Ricky Martin raped.

The little boy Ricky Martin raped his nephew.

He denies that.

He denies it.

He denies it.

Well, why would he say, yeah, I did it?

I'm Ricky Martin, and no one can stop me.

He denies it.

I just want everybody.

No one will ever stop Ricky Martin.

The Prince of Puerto Rico

He's from Puerto Rico.

He sure is.

I didn't know that.

He's a treasure.

Treasure of the island.

They love him.

They call him the Jester of Tortuga.

Why'd you look at me like that when you said that?

He thought it was going to crush.

He thought you were going to be like, Adam, that's the best thing I've ever heard.

You made a funny joke earlier on this episode, but I forget it.

I forgot what it was and we blew over.

We're three minutes into this.

Yeah, I think you made a good one like three minutes ago.

What are you talking about?

Now you're criticizing me at work.

I bring you to work.

Criticism is typically negative.

No, but the way you're, it sounded like a critical compliment, you know?

No.

I'm saying you made a really good joke, and I can't remember what it is.

No, thanks, brother.

Yeah.

What do you got going on the rest of the night?

I thought we were hanging out.

We are hanging out.

I thought we were, too, but you came in and acted.

It seemed as if you get this over with and get out of here.

Yeah, he was being real, Hollywood.

Yeah.

When he walks in here.

Well, I've never been asked to do a podcast before.

You've done this podcast.

Well, you did the old one.

Yeah.

I've never been asked to do the Adam Friedland show.

Yeah, welcome.

Thank you.

Honestly, I really appreciate you guys bringing me on the show.

Does it feel very different?

It does.

It's really nice to be doing it with you, too.

You like it kind of like that.

Look how close we are to

being done.

The folks at home really don't know what I'm looking at right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, they really don't know what I'm looking at.

Yeah.

It is,

there's a surprise in store for them.

Yeah.

It looks amazing.

Thank you.

I really have no idea.

I said this when I walked in, but it smells great in here.

Yeah,

I think it smells good too.

Jordan was worried about it, but she works with these chemicals all the time.

She?

Yeah, it's like, well, that sounds like it's going to be a you problem.

Yeah.

I'm just a guy enjoying one cigarette.

I'm one of those kids.

I I like grew up, I like to sniff 409 and

a hoffer.

Cleaning product.

Yeah.

Men's asses.

Okay, Adam.

You can get a little high off of that.

I did not say that.

He's a little big in his britches.

Why?

Over the Adam Friedland show.

Well, yeah, of course.

How could I not be able to do that?

He's taking shots at everyone now.

We've got to reel it in.

Adam can go at me.

And I love him.

It's okay.

This is like a don't feed the animals at the zoo system.

Listen, if there's a show called Seinfeld and you made a billion dollars off of it, how are you not going to piss in homeless people's mouths?

How are you not going to be the king of comedy?

It is a new you.

Has anyone ever called you Slimefeld?

Of course they have.

Okay.

And it hurts every time.

Coffee is a good thing.

You're like a boneless Seinfeld.

You're like a gooey Seinfeld guy.

Well, the truth is he didn't have bones either.

What's the ghost in Ghostbusters Ghostbusters that just eats all the food and then shits it out immediately?

It starts with an E.

Slimer.

Slimer.

It starts with an E.

Starts with an E.

Yeah, it's Slimer.

Yeah, the Slimer.

Oh, I did figure out a way to fix my posture.

How?

Exoskeleton.

Oh, that is cool.

Get a new body?

Like the Super Soldiers of the Future.

Yeah, I get like a mech suit.

They have that now, where they make these mech suits for soldiers, and it's like, why don't just make a robot?

I don't understand why some poor kid from Oklahoma has to sit inside the mech and then get kidnapped and have his day sold.

Yeah, it's so great.

He should lose a job.

What do you mean?

To a robot.

He's losing the job to a robot, anyways.

Yeah, but he gets to go to college now.

Yeah, you're right.

I guess I'm bad at the DSA stuff.

You lost your way.

Damn.

What is that?

What does that stand for?

DSA, Democratic Socialists of America.

You couldn't come up with a funny answer?

No, but Stephen might want to learn about socialism.

You know, I can give him a pamphlet or something.

You couldn't do a joke on the comedy show?

We've always made jokes about it.

Dick Sucking Association.

I mean, it's done a million times.

So I came in here really excited to digest association.

That's way better.

Was it?

The guy,

I can't believe I didn't tell you this.

When I woke up from my nap, I said, I got to wake up.

Got to walk outside, walk around the block, wake up.

I got a milkshake.

They have these damn peach milkshakes

over at the Chick-fil-A, right?

Okay.

They go down for a milkshake.

I'm trying to do

an anecdote on a talk show.

It's good.

Okay.

They said...

He's the host of the show.

It's like Conan sitting there, and he's like,

the laces in my shoes weren't, you know,

they were kind of afraid.

So I went to get new ones, and then there's just like Dermot Mulroney sitting there, just blank-faced.

Yeah.

Just clashing.

He's like, I thought I had to.

Hey, I thought it was coming on here.

I thought thought it was here to

pinch a proposal.

I don't know one Dermot Mulroney.

I don't even know how to say his name.

What is it, Dermot?

Dermot Mulroney is a nice thing.

What has he been in?

I don't know.

Dermot McDelritt and then Delrit Dermalon.

There's Dermot Mulroney.

There's three Irish guys that have names like that.

Dermot Mulroney, Dermot McEllery, right?

Dylan McDermott.

Dylan McDermott.

That's who I have.

There's Dylan McDermott, there's Dermot Mulroney, and then Ed Burns.

Was one of of those guys in line in front of you at the peach milkshake?

Okay.

It says, so I guess when you're a franchise owner

at a Chick-fil-A, they call you an operator.

So they say

this is the franchise operator.

And it says on the receipt at the Chick-fil-A, this

Chick-fil-A operated by Joshua Balls.

I swear to God.

That's why they call it a peach milkshake because he puts his nutsack in it.

Joshua Balls.

Regular milkshake.

The man's name is Joshua Balls.

That he dips his peach in.

I didn't know if you would do it, but you did it.

Why would I bring that story up on a comedy podcast unless there was a great

story now?

Yes.

But it says operated by Joshua Balls.

That's what I liked.

Let's hear your story.

Well, after I called you and before I called you again, I stopped over at a bar just to get a Guinness.

I like a Guinness after work.

Yeah.

Classic, man.

Full bar.

And it's, you know, big bar.

Did you go to Repeater McAnis?

No, I like that bar, though.

You showed me that.

Mickey Anes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you went over to McAnis's.

Yeah, what's this place called?

Anus Mickey's?

That's a good bar, though.

You really showed me a good bar.

Yeah, it's a good bar.

I went to Old Town.

You ever been there?

Yeah.

That's a good bar.

You took the Old Town Road.

And

I got a Guinness, but it was a full bar, right?

So there's nowhere to sit.

A lot of chicks.

exactly so i ended up right behind this blonde chick oh i like it and she's in a stool in front of me

que tipo de uh oh mama

yeah and um que tipo de bitch and um age please

i'll tell you in a second that's part of the part of the story

and i'm um trying to give her a wide berth you know be chivalrous well she she's giving birth at the bar no i'm just trying not to like it's a crowded bar and i'm not trying to like crowd her while i order my beer

Normally, I put a penis to the penis to thigh.

I didn't want to do that, at least not yet.

I didn't want to go there yet.

I wanted to at least get my beer, get a couple sips in.

So, anyways, I sneak my arm in.

You ever do that move?

You sneak your arm in between the two people to just be like, I'm here with a $20 bill.

I want to get a beer.

Eventually, the bartender notices me.

I get my beer.

And I'm sitting there sipping it for a minute, and her companion, he leaves to go to the bathroom.

Oh.

And I'm thinking, this is maybe my chance to strike.

The condor.

Yeah.

The condor, the pussy condor.

Would you believe it?

She kind of swivels in her stool.

Oh, my God.

When I'm kind of looking her way, and that blonde hair just kind of moves out of the way, and I just see a five o'clock shadow, 60-year-old man.

And

I look at him, and I go, hi, my name's Steven.

And he looks at me and he goes, Joseph.

Joseph Balls.

Really?

Well, the last part, no.

Yeah, it was a punchline.

You met the inventor of the peach milkshake?

Yeah, it was a guy.

You met the operator on a sex play.

Joseph Balls of

Joshua Balls.

It was Joshua Balls.

I've got a bad memory.

Well, it's fine.

Don't worry about it.

I thought the punchline was great.

It's like Joshua Tree.

I thought the payoff was incredible.

Wave a tree.

It's a big paragraph.

He really wasn't.

It's an old fucking guy.

It was an old guy.

I really thought it was a woman.

He was was behind to look like a sexy man or a sexy lady, I mean, let's go lady.

Let's go lady.

I'm sorry that came out.

Waiting for the train yesterday

in the morning, and

this woman walks by, and she's like, nice-looking lady, clean, you know.

And in my head, I'm like, you know, why can't I date somebody like that instead of like,

you know, somebody with schizophrenia or,

you know, I don't know, just somebody.

Someone who thinks that the government's trying to kill them.

Yeah, you know, like crazy people or whatever.

Then she's she's got like an iced coffee and the lid drops on the ground.

And then she looks at me and she does this, like, oh, geez, you know, I'm like, no, it's, it's probably fine.

It's only like a half second.

She's like, yeah, should I risk it?

And then what I said, I was like, yeah, who gives a fucking shit about anything?

Nick, why did you say that?

That could have been a meat cue.

I led too much, too much me in that.

Oh, my God, Nick.

You could have, you could have

blew it.

This woman just winces.

You could have got her number, gotten, met up for a drink or a coffee, and gotten like five minutes into the date before doing that before doing that yeah it's true you cut you just blew it yeah no i just cut out a 20 years

good morning i'm going to kill myself

what's going on how you feel

i feel fine yeah you know but it's just we all we're all i feel i feel great i feel not sick for sure

yeah

we're all okay you know that's how it should be yeah

Yeah, I guess we are.

We watched Michael the other night.

John Travolta?

Yes.

He He plays an angel.

Who directed that one?

Do you know?

John Travolta.

Oh, really?

Actually, God directed it.

Yeah.

It was Nora Efron.

Nora Efron wrote it.

She didn't direct it.

I think she did.

Really?

I think she did.

Wow.

So you guys get together after work and just watch movies?

No, during work, actually.

Yeah.

You think I sound sick, Adam?

It's part of work.

It was a business expense.

You may sound a little sick.

Really?

Yeah, but it's probably from your lifestyle of fucking 65-year-old men with women's hair.

That reminded me of,

we had a joke once called the Joe Trans joke.

You ever heard that joke?

Yeah, I think you've run this one, Bob.

We're not going to do it.

You love this joke.

No, no, no.

You're on a comedy podcast.

You're not a comedian.

You want to tell one of your jokes.

You want to try it out.

You've got to have a bit for a while.

Please.

You love this bit.

I honestly don't know.

It's really not that good.

Continue.

Okay.

No, no.

Why would you say that?

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

I'd rather not now.

So we used to have.

Right now I'm looking at two guys looking at their phone.

No, I actually have to pull up the reads for this week, so I've got to take a look at this.

Adam's just chatting.

Can I read it?

Yeah, once we get into that.

I guess you can read it.

I've never gotten to do that.

I would love you to read it.

You sound a little insincere, but I really would like to do that.

Oh, we got some great partners.

You know,

I'm a big sports guy.

I'm hoping that after the read,

it's like halftime and we come out and have a real good game plan.

We'll do some halftime adjustments.

Coach Spolstra stuff.

And we really, really bring it.

Yeah.

We'll maybe play you at the four.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of some other stuff that's been going on in my life.

Well, how about you guys?

That's not your job.

You don't have to do that.

Yeah, you're the guest.

We could ask you about it.

We're supposed to come up with a lot of people.

To be honest, I forgot I was on a show.

I was just trying to talk to you guys.

That's how you get in the zone.

There's got to be a lot of just chilling until it feels like just hanging out.

And then that's when you're ready ready to broadcast.

Yeah.

So,

you have anything more in this Joseph Balls guy?

This is Joshua Balls.

Joshua Balls.

It's a great name.

No, that's pretty much all I got.

But, you know, he probably overcame a lot growing up.

Yeah.

He became a business owner.

I think if you own a Chick-fil-A franchise as busy as that one

in Manhattan, New York,

he's probably doing quite well.

What kind of guy is that?

I think Mrs.

Balls is pretty happy with him.

Nice.

Big part.

It was off the mic, but it was very good.

Oh, yeah, man.

That's cool.

I haven't seen you smile like that in a while.

Hey, look, it's the simple things in life.

I should have tried that with that lady.

Check this out.

I think you did just right.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was a fucking shit.

Have you ever met a

girl or guy on the train?

No, I creep people out, dude.

It's a hard venue to

start that kind of conversation.

Well, I'm never, when I'm like out and about, I'm so fucked, I'm like gone

that if I'm presented with like a like a situation, I mean, I can't even talk the fucking like,

you know, like I'm at the store and they're like, do you want a receipt?

And I'm like, no, do you?

You know, like, I don't, like, I'm not thinking.

My brain doesn't work, you know.

So

if a woman's like,

hey, nice shirt, I'm like,

you're,

bye.

Sorry.

I don't know how to handle this.

I tell her nice,

nice tits.

Nice breasts.

That happened to me once when I was walking to your house back in Bedstein.

And I heard that.

And then you wandered around

for another hour.

You were very excited about that.

She approached me

and was flirting with me, and I totally dropped the ball.

and then I told Adam the story and he's like

you got to find her.

And I just wandered the neighborhood for like two hours.

No, but it was during COVID.

She saw Stephen

and then she took her mask off.

Yeah, yeah, and smiled at him.

She said, speak to him.

Speak to me.

Which is basically like showing your breasts

back in those days.

Yeah, yeah, I saw her.

Back in the day.

Never found her.

Never found her.

Never found her.

You should have put one of those Apple tags.

Yeah, that should slipped one of those into her pussy.

Yeah, I'll make my bitch wear an Apple tag and a pussy.

I'm sorry.

Could you put this in your...

Could you slide this in there?

I'm not going to say it twice, but you better put this in your page.

I need to find you again.

Yeah.

Maybe she's listening right now.

Today's episode is brought to you by my bookie,

folks.

Adam,

what's going on?

Nothing.

You're right.

No.

What was that?

I just had like a

nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Mybookie.agoo.

Folks, sports is happening like crazy.

Like fucking crazy right now.

The NBA season's about to start.

We got the MLB playoffs and NFL seasons going on right now.

I don't have enough fucking time in my week for all these sports.

Steven, how about you?

I can't tell if you're acting or actually reading it.

I'm not reading.

I'm just talking about my experience.

Yeah, we've both experienced a lot of sports out there.

We've both experienced this website.

Yeah.

But

I'm not satisfied just watching sports.

I want a little bit more action.

More action than the gladiators on the field sweating on each other, grabbing each other, and competing at the top of their physical,

whatever,

peaks.

You just made me think of something.

Can we pause?

Whatever.

Real?

Yeah, mybookie.com or mybookie.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We'll get back to it.

Continue.

Continue.

Yeah.

Really quickly.

My friend's got a father that's a little sick, and he was like in the hospital.

Yeah.

And he called him today at lunch, and he was talking to him, and

he was talking about how he got this bath from one of the nurses, and he described her as like the perfect woman.

He was like everything he ever wanted in a woman.

And he described her as like an American gladiator/slash MMA-type fighter.

And then he started talking about how she was.

How is the slash necessary?

Well, she's like a bodybuilder slash muscle lady.

Yeah, she was muscular.

And she was slathering him down, and he got into it.

He's like, she grabbed him.

She's grabbing his.

The perfect woman.

The perfect woman.

And I didn't mean to interrupt.

No, no, continue.

But that's.

I mean, that's basically the story.

It's a guy in a bathtub, and a muscular nurse rubs soap all over his nude body.

And he couldn't get a heart on, but in his mind, he was coming all over her.

Because he's too too sick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's really sick.

That's life, man.

Can you imagine

at the very end?

I can't even imagine taking a shower,

let alone having somebody else clean out.

I don't do it enough, the showers.

Whenever I do it, I'm like, I got to do this more.

How often do you shower?

I don't know.

Probably not every day.

Probably four times a week.

That seems okay.

You should do it every day, I feel like.

You can do whatever you want, Adam.

I know.

But like, when I'm in there, I'm like, wow, I should do this more often.

Well, then, do it more often.

This is great.

Yeah, but like, you got to go, you got to go to the bathroom and take your clothes off.

You got to go to mybookie.ng.

And you got to be alone.

And check out the spreads and prop bets.

I think I miss being, you know, I'm scared.

I'm afraid to be alone.

There are a few better life decisions than getting into sports gambling.

That's true, Stephen.

I honestly think it can bring a lot of entertainment to your life.

That's right.

And that's why I do it.

You could bet on anything, anywhere, anytime, and you could double your first deposit.

Plus, a $10 casino chip.

When you go to mybookie.ag, they got a sports book, they got live betting, they got a casino, and they got racing.

You don't need an app for it.

It's a website.

You can pull it up on your damn phone.

They got a mobile view so you can use it on your phone.

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You can bet with Bitcoin.

You can get 150% casino bonus up to $750.

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They have casino games, table games, live casino,

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Are you a loser?

Small dick?

Why are you looking at me?

Why are you looking at me when you say that?

No, he's just asking the audience.

You function as the audience.

Yeah.

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Bet anything, anytime, anywhere.

Wearing anything.

Wearing anything.

That's true, because it's a website.

Yeah, you can see home

wearing it.

I want to, honestly, I do want to thank, what is it, mybookie.com?

I want to thank my.ag.

I've never done one of those, but I want to thank you.

My bookie.fag for supporting the show.

Thank you.

I want to thank them for that.

I wouldn't be here without that.

Thank you for thanking them.

Yeah, because it's a.

Just that they noticed your show

and would do that to me, if I were you guys, that would mean a lot to me.

It meant a lot to us.

That was sweet of it.

It meant a lot to us

to do such a thing.

It was really nice of them.

And they picked us up.

They chose us out of nowhere.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

We were just plucky upstarts.

We were just kids with a dream.

I'd appreciate it.

We were just kids.

Just fags by Patty Smith.

Yeah, we were just fags.

You ever read that book?

Just about a couple of fags.

That's the book I like to dry my leaves in.

You ever do that?

Like

you get like a flower, you pluck it in the summer.

You press flower.

You press a flower, and in the fall it's dried.

I like to use that book to do that.

Adam's book, Just Yids.

Yeah.

How's your Jewish holiday season going, Adam?

No, it's over.

It's done?

Well, it's too coat right now.

I was walking over here.

All my stories are about walking over here.

I'm walking through Union Square.

Let's hear it.

But 20 people walk by these Jewish guys that have like the, what is it called?

The Lulav and the Etro.

Yeah, and and they're waiting for a Jewish guy.

And they like 20 people pass by them, and then they see me, and they're like, oh, sorry, are you Jewish?

How do they know?

How do they know?

Yeah, we were talking about this on the show.

They asked everybody.

No, the 20 people walked by that they ignored.

Yeah, how do they know?

Do they ask you?

Stephen, once or twice they've asked me.

When I had that huge beard, they asked me.

When I had that huge nose, they were asking.

When I was wearing the big nose and I was dressed up like them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Clenching my money.

Jews are in the news right now.

Jews are in the news.

Jews are in the news.

Here we go.

This is my favorite segment.

There's a lot going on.

Kanye West has said the thing we were all thinking.

No, Nick.

Oh.

So now Kanye West is done.

Black excellence has finally gone too far.

Jews are in the news.

What do you think of all this, Adam?

Well, at first I was shocked, and then I was scared.

The Jewish music producers who have exploited blacks for 50 years have finally said, whoops,

as Kanye West has gone off.

Yes, he has gone too far this time.

This is the first time he's ever gone too far.

They're all currently gathered on David Geffen's yacht sailing to Israel.

When I heard the Kanye West statement, that slavery was a choice, I said, that's a little off.

But we can have a second.

chance.

Let's hear him out.

When I saw him put on a Make America Great Again hat,

I said, I think this is a symbol of hate.

This is scary.

But you know what?

Let's just hear him out here.

Everybody deserves a fourth chance.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

But then I heard that he wants to go DEF CON 3 on the Jewish community, the global Jewish community.

And Stephen, that's where I wanted wanted to draw a line in the sand.

Sure.

To say, Kanye, if you cross over this line, you know what's going to happen.

We're going to use white phosphorus

in a refugee camp in Gaza.

No.

That's not funny.

That's not funny.

That's not funny.

That's not funny.

A lot of stuff in poor taste on this one.

Yeah, that's not funny.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Well, here's what I want to say.

I'd like to talk to him.

I'd like to swash the beef.

I'd like to use this show and this platform as a place where we have a diversity of voices that are celebrated.

And I'd like to invite him on my show to talk to me, to talk to Nick, who I'm sure will be an impartial mediator.

I should get into debate moderation.

We should have you debate people on the show.

I think that'd be not a bad idea.

Yeah.

Yeah, just say, so Kanye, you said that you can't be anti-Semitic because black people are also Jews.

But you're also saying all these bad things about the Jews.

Are you saying that black people are bad also?

As an impartial third here,

I guess what I'm my takeaway from this entire debate is to mean that both blacks and Jews are bad, if I understand you correctly.

What if we got rid of all the identity and all the

in a Dr.

Seuss sort of way?

Yeah, and we're all just kind of like, you know, outchia.

We're all out here.

Ouchia.

Ouch here.

Ouchia.

And doing our thing.

Yeah, I'm out.

And I'm out here.

Yeah, I'm out here.

And we're just hanging, banging, and having fun together.

Yeah, come by.

Yeah.

Not happening.

Yeah, I think that's a great idea.

You know, and I would like this show to transcend race.

I'd like when people come in, walk in this studio for them to check their race at the door.

Not just race, though.

That's the point.

Not just race.

No, just race.

Just race.

No, and gender.

I'd like us all to be maybe put on full skin suits.

Or like, yeah, like what Kanye West has been wearing at fashion weeks and stuff like that.

Like those

black stockings.

Nick, Nick and I have been keeping up to date on that.

We know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I'm completely lost.

I was sitting here wondering if I was having a stroke because there were words coming out of your mouth, but...

Oh, I didn't know where I was going.

I kind of started on that.

I was

kind of hoping that I was going to be able to do that.

I just quietly retired into thinking about soundproofing options for the other side of the room.

What do you think we're going to do?

I think maybe we'll egg crate up on these walls.

Yeah.

Because that echo is significant.

No, but I think also when this comes down,

this will absorb a little bit.

Oh, that's your opinion?

Yeah, that's my professional.

You know, he's entitled to his opinion.

I'm trying to talk really close to the microphone to limit it.

Yeah, no, this is how we're going to limit what?

The echo.

Oh.

No, it's honestly.

No, the microphones don't pick up.

Look, the podcast is dying.

The podcast isn't going to be a thing for much longer.

Thanks for having me on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're here to kill it.

These are the last days of the meeting.

Very soon.

Very soon, this will be.

I was so honored when I got the call.

I tried to play cool, but I was hoping that

we were just maybe potentially.

I thought you said you were too damaged in your personal life.

Potentially a single week away from the debut of the Adam Friedland show.

Oh, potentially.

Is that right?

Well, yeah, by Monday, this will be done.

Like, everything's done.

No, that's not true.

Then we need...

Who's going to be just a business?

Wait, then there's this.

What?

No, then we need sound.

Yes, we do need sound.

Yes, that's great.

I know I was coming to a preparation.

So slightly three or four weeks away from the permission.

That's fine.

Again, folks at home.

You're going to get laughed.

Folks at home, you've got to get to wait it out.

You've got to wait it out because what they have in store for you is special.

Also, go buy tickets for Nick's upcoming show in

Phoenix, Arizona.

And folks in Minneapolis, come on, come on out.

I know.

You're a native son of Minneapolis.

Yeah, I'm from there.

You got to come out and support Nick.

Minneapolis, very lazy name for a city.

Why?

Indianapolis, same thing.

Oh, right.

It's Indiana, and this is Indiana Papalis.

It's Greek.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, it means Indiana City.

Texas has a Texas city, which is probably even lazier you named.

That's a good name.

It's a good word.

Texas City, Texas.

I guess Oklahoma's got an Oklahoma.

New York, New York is like that.

Yeah, never thought of that.

Let's go through some of the capitals, state capitals.

That's always a case.

Sacramento, California.

Watch Adam go.

This is the case.

Carson City, Nevada.

You got Phoenix, Arizona.

Washington.

Washington is Olympia.

Okay.

Nevada.

Carson City, I just said it.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry.

Let's go.

Delaware.

Dover.

Okay.

What are some other states, Stephen?

Do you have?

I can't think of a single one.

Delaware?

You said Delaware.

Dover.

Dover.

Rhode Island?

Rhode Island.

Providence.

West Virginia.

Charleston?

West Rhode Island.

No, West Virginia is.

Could you believe it?

I'd rather be talking to Joseph Balls at the bar right now.

Yeah.

It's Joshua Balls.

Yeah.

Well, we're finding it.

How many fucking times are you?

We're trying to find Adam's voice, you know?

He's picking his nose.

You pick your nose so often.

Yeah.

And then he either wipes it on my house.

You asked me how many times he was.

He was at my house.

It would be better if he just ate it.

He was at my house.

He just picks his nose and then he's always wiping it on his pants.

He's at my house.

He's picking his nose.

I go, how often do you do that?

He goes, all day.

And I go, what do you do with it?

And he's like, we either wipe it on his pants or eating it.

I'm like, how old are you?

What?

It's just not a normal thing for you.

Yeah, but you know what isn't normal is being honest.

Okay.

And at the end of the day, I'm going to do that with my friends.

Okay.

Showers three to four times a week and picks his nose all day, every day.

Yeah, because I don't have the shower to clean my nose.

Mm-hmm.

Because his finger right now is just like held up.

It's ready to go.

What have you got in there?

In what?

My nose?

Yeah.

What have you got in yours?

Quite a bit.

Yeah, me too.

Why is it that the bigger they are, Stephen?

You know, you've got nothing in common with me.

You've got quite a big nose.

You know,

that's the catchphrase of the guy over Chick-fil-A.

He says, the bigger they are, the Joseph the balls.

The Joseph the balls.

People ask me how I own how I've managed to buy my own Chick-fil-A.

Josh, the bigger they are, the Joseph the balls.

He said, Joseph, or Josh.

The bigger the nose?

What were you saying?

It's kind of oftentimes the harder to breathe.

People with these damn small noses seem like they're breathing great.

Is that wrong or is that right?

Well, this is the only nose I have, and no.

This is all I know.

How is it breathing up there with that thing?

Pretty good.

Yeah.

You have a bigger nose than Adam does.

I got a big.

He's got a bigger nose than my father.

I got a big fucking nose.

Yeah.

I took a picture of the two of them.

Would you ever think that's a good idea?

I used to think my dad had the biggest nose of all time.

I did it bigger.

Yeah, yeah.

I broke it multiple times.

How?

Just being me.

Wouldn't.

One time it was very young, and

a larger kid jumped off the playground and fell right on my nose and busted it.

Damn.

It was a fat kid?

I didn't want to say it that way.

No, you didn't want to say fat.

That's like a that's what happens.

With cartoons character.

After he's hurt you, you still don't want to call him.

You got a phone call before him that said ham likely.

And then a fat kid.

But yeah, I'd get it bigger.

I'd get anything on me enlarged.

Really?

Yeah, of course.

I'll tell you what, I'm an asshole.

Right now, one

probably, it would have to be the size of a, like an exercise ball, lobster claw.

Elbow down.

Yeah.

Giant

red claw.

You want a lobster claw for a hand?

Yeah.

How would you...

Because I don't know how to talk to women.

Imagine if that woman saw me waiting for the train and I had a giant lobster claw.

She'd start.

That's a conversation.

Yeah.

You know how to talk to women.

I've seen you talk to women before.

And she'd be like,

are you like a lobster man?

I'd be like, well, yes, actually, I am.

So you'd have one head.

It's funny that you asked.

I am, in fact, a lobster man.

What are you doing later?

I'd like to go out with you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hopefully not the red lobster.

I love lobster.

Yeah.

And then I just start pinching her.

If she says no, then I just chase her around the train station pinching her.

She can't get away.

There's a giant claw.

Nick running around the subway harassing women by pinching their ass with it.

That's pretty cute.

That's a lobster claw.

It is a that's a meat cute.

yeah but you're only pinching her because you have a crush on her

like in kindergarten anything goes if you have a crush on somebody yeah you can do anything yeah that's true you can call them and be like i'm gonna i'm gonna murder you i pitched the idea numerous times saying that i wanted antlers on my head and you tell other men that and they're like why you know that's like you have any idea how much pussy you'd get if you had fucking antlers on your head and anytime you tell a woman that you know like what if i had antlers they're like oh shit

they get wet yeah totally So you really do know what girls want.

They want a guy who has antlers.

You could hold on to him.

You act like you don't understand women at all.

I just said I don't know how to talk to them, but I don't know how to talk to anybody.

That's true.

You know,

Chinese people.

Well, how would you sleep in a bed, though, if you had these massive antlers?

Well, I would put the lobster claw under my head and use that as a pillow.

Well, first, you would be

the lobster claw is hard, so it wouldn't fuck up the antlers, wouldn't fuck up up the headboard.

Yeah, that's not bad.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

Just going to just going to meet that bitch's family.

They're like, so what do you do?

I'm like, I got antlers.

And a lobster claw?

They're like, oh,

okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got on the train.

I pinched her.

Yeah, you're hard to sleep with slaughterless.

It might be hard to sleep with all the women in the bed with you.

That's true.

There'd be so many of them, there wouldn't be room for the antlers and the claw.

And then the next move,

Bottom half of my body removed, replaced with the bottom of a spider.

Oh, like Wild Wild West.

Yeah, but that's that's just that's a big steam thing.

I mean like just oh you wouldn't want it to be a steampunk.

You don't want to be like a centaur but spider legs.

Oh you'd want it to be more like fuzzy like a tarantula.

See that one that one's for the fellas.

That one's for the fellas because we've all because we all love the movie Wild Wild West.

Because women are always like, yeah, a guy with the antlers and lobster claw, that's cool.

But the the spider leg guys,

I can't with them.

Yeah, they're toxic.

Yeah,

this would be a toxic trait.

Yeah, you can sting.

Now, Adam, I don't want to get too far away from it before following up.

How was the peach milkshake?

It was really good.

Let me tell you something, Stephen.

It's got chunks of real peach in it.

Really?

Delicious.

And you know what?

Chick-fil-A still.

Still,

they never skip a beat.

They still finish it off with the classic whipped cream and the maraschino cherry.

Did you, can we talk about super speciosa for a second?

I think we can.

And can you pull that up?

Talk about super speciosa?

I'm going to piss again.

I have to do the same, but no, again,

we'll

later.

Yeah, we'll daisy chain it.

Actually,

I think Stephen is the perfect person to talk about super speciosa with.

Stephen, do you know what there's a, there's an item.

It comes from Southeast Asia,

and it is naturally engineered by nature made by nature and perfected by super speciosa okay and this product is called pure kratom

yeah

do you know about this product i've heard of it yeah have you ever do you have any experience with this product i've never done it but i've heard about it what are you talking about

one time you gave me kratom after a night of getting fucked up

No.

And I threw a black.

I've had a friend do it before.

I've heard of somebody throwing black.

He got so sick.

My throw-up was black.

He got so sick.

It was disgusting.

He had to walk home

from the city to South Brooklyn.

Because he couldn't get it.

Was it a printer?

No.

He always throws up on the street.

No, but keep reading.

I don't think that's a good sell for your, you know, we've got to thank them for giving you money.

Stephen, they like it when we talk about our experiences with these products.

Oh, well, in that case.

So you threw up and it was black.

Yeah.

But it wasn't super speciosa, and that's why I threw up because it probably wasn't lab tested.

It probably wasn't the safety,

whatever.

My recommendations.

The policies of the Super Speciosa Corporation were not at play.

And therefore, that's why I threw up black.

Here's the thing.

Why is it super?

Because they do things right.

Since 2016, they've been perfecting certifiably reliable ways to bring you kratom as it was intended.

Unaltered, untouched, uncompromised.

They have green Maeong Da Kratom powder.

He gives you the hard ones, doesn't he?

They have red Maeong Da Kratom powder, which is more of an afternoon body and mind.

Green Maeong, more of an all-day energy.

They're marketing it as

an energy product.

Does that make sense to you, Stephen?

I would highly recommend not

doing too much of that.

Just a little dabbled doobie.

No, he's it.

Stephen, have you ever done white Maeong Da Kratom capsules?

No, I really don't know what that is.

It's more of a morning energy, they say.

They have signature reserve craton powder.

Do you know what that is?

What would happen if I took that is nature's power-up, according to Super Speciosa.

And that's all day energy.

I just realized they haven't paid us in probably a year.

So, why are we doing this?

He just likes making you list those guys.

I haven't invoiced them.

I completely forgot about it.

Well, we got to get our money, baby.

They probably owe us $100 million.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

So we're going to be rich.

We're going to be rich, dude.

Have you ever seen a guy?

At first, I was mad at you, and then I realized we're going to be rich.

Because they owe us interest.

Oh, my God.

The company's probably out of business.

With interest?

Yeah.

We don't even have to do the podcast anymore.

Yeah, but

we don't have to do the podcast anymore.

In a couple weeks, we're going to have the Adam Free Loo.

There's going to be no more podcasts.

Ideally.

In podcasts, we're referring to just the

audio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, maybe we'll release the audio of the talk show.

Right.

Why just to audio?

What's that?

Why just to audio.

And we want to encourage people to move through.

Yeah, you want to just

talk about it.

Podcasting is dead.

It's a dead art quarter.

We started it, and we're killing it.

Yeah.

I want to sit here and get a lot of money.

No one podcasted before.

I want to sit here in this chair.

And we have Sandra Bernhardt sitting where you are.

She got mad at me on Twitter once.

Yeah, and Adam says, so Sandra, tell us about your pussy.

Yeah, tell us about your pussy.

And then the hard zoom in Sandra's face, as close as you can.

She's disgusted by that.

It's just the expression.

She's like, what does that mean?

Or like, your vagina.

Tell us about it.

What do you mean?

What does it mean?

What does that mean?

You fucking know what that means.

I feel like you're parenting.

You guys are pulling me.

Prepare for me to respond to a fake answer.

I mean, that's why I got this guy here, Nick.

He's the enforcer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's that music?

The wedding shop is having a champagne party.

I saw them.

They're going to, I might go.

I'm going to pop over there.

You want to go?

That sounds fun.

You want to go to the wedding dress party after us?

This does sound kind of nice.

I am feeling better than I was after my nap.

Anyway, guys, as Kratom gains popularity, more vendors are providing Kratom products of varying quality.

Find out about good manufacturing practices and all the importance of quality standards at their website.

That's what you can do.

So you can shop by category.

Absolutely.

Crategory.

Crategory.

That's the kind of stuff we need to button up the

chip.

We need to batten down the hatches on those kind of slips.

It's called crategory because it's kratom categories.

We got

that on purpose.

Yeah, we got

for elocution lessons.

Yeah.

I'm going to the same guy that got the page.

Next time you see this guy, he's going to have a British accent.

I'm going to go to the same guy they got for the king's speech.

Remember that movie?

The king's speech.

That's what they call Joseph Balls.

The bigger they are, the Joseph the balls.

It's Joshua.

He really crushed it with that story.

That was the best story I've ever heard.

Joshua Balls.

The peach milk shake story.

I had to get one of those peach milkshakes.

They're fantastic.

Okay, guys.

He was shot by category, okay?

They got capsules.

They got powders.

They got tablets.

They got tea bags.

They got trusted equality.

And they have a certification from

some sort of Kratom organization.

Stephen, you sit on the board of that organization.

That's not true.

The chairman of the board, Keratov.

They call him the chairman of the board.

And the other guy we mentioned earlier.

They subject their products to the strictest quality control standards in the industry.

Every batch is thoroughly inspected and lab tested for impurities and containment.

So you're not going to throw up black like I did that one time in Stephen's bathroom.

Free shipping you get perked up on the plants guys you're gonna fucking love it it's gonna be great for you you go to this website you get what is it 20% off you get some sort of discount off your discount

discount

you get a nice discount off your order you get a nice discount off your order at superspeciosa calm you put in promo code come town cometown 20 something like that and don't be afraid to read their FAQs or probably, what is this, Kratom IQ.

Let's see what this is about.

This is the essential guide to understanding Kratom and the strains.

Much like marijuana, the strains do different things for you.

You know?

You get a sativa.

You get an indica.

Some of these chill you out.

Some of these perk you up.

So go check it out.

That party, the wedding dress party, sounds funny.

Whatever happened to just, you know, enjoying whatever, you know, mood you're in.

Why do you need the...

Why do we need these substances?

Yeah, I don't understand.

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Get a little taste for

the fun times of Cambodian.

Cambodian.

Basically, you're just eating Agent Orange, I'm pretty sure.

Agent Orange.

That would be a fun parody movie.

You know what I mean?

And

he's like, oh,

oh, Dr.

No,

why would you do this to me?

We are the same.

And he's like, I'm sorry, Agent Orange.

What did I do to you?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Agent Orange, but you work for the British government.

But I don't know how I got the job.

Why don't they should get a guy like that?

He's like James Bond, but he's orange.

Yeah.

But I thought they're.

You thought what?

Different color.

What color do you think they were?

Skin color.

Good answer.

Good answer.

That's the kind of shit we're going to say to Sandra Bernhardt when she starts getting a little racist.

Yeah, we'll be like, what color do you think Asians are?

Mm-hmm.

Sandra, you were in the film King of Comedy.

Have you ever

fucked an Asian man?

Yeah.

She'll be like, I'm a lesbian.

I'd actually be curious to know the answer to that.

Is she going to be the first guest on the video show?

Steven, stop giving all the surprises away.

Sorry, I'm feeling sad.

You already told them that we have a beautiful set.

I think Adam got me sick two times in the last three months.

I feel sick.

You were sick before me, Nick.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

No.

Why do we keep getting sick?

Do we have black mold in the studio?

I think you keep getting sick and then you get me sick.

Why?

From what?

I have an incredibly clean lifestyle.

I pick my nose a hundred times a day.

Well, I don't know.

I wouldn't, I would never.

You recently saw Avatar in IMAX.

I did.

How was that?

It's one of the greatest experiences you can have.

Is seeing the 3D IMAX Avatar?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think.

It's so good.

What happens to all the glasses?

That's what I want to know.

I th you put them in a big dumpster.

And then where do they go to?

I think they wash them.

They send them to Africa?

No, I think they wash them, supposedly.

What do they do?

Send these to Africa?

And they give it to the they give it to the kids down there so they can better see the lions coming after them.

I think they do.

Yeah, I'm starting a charity where we get all the 3D glasses and we give them down there to Africa and they put them on and you know, you don't have to worry about the lions as much.

It's like

because you can see them better.

Yeah, I'm the CEO of Tom's Shoes.

My name's Joseph Balls.

Jeffrey.

Joshua.

Joshua.

Yeah, my name's Jeffrey Balls, and I've done come up with the Chick-fil-A peach milkshake and Tom's shoes.

Operated by Chosh.

I was wearing my socks socks around my apartment.

I said, why the fuck can't I just go out like this?

And then I did it and I was like, you know, somebody was like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm saving African kids from the fucking, from the dark nature is what I'm doing.

And they're like, what's your name?

And I panicked and I said, Tom.

Tom Balls.

Because I thought I was going to jail.

And so that was the name of the shoes.

From that point was Tom's.

And are you sending an email?

Now I make milkshakes.

No, I just found this guy.

I just found found this guy.

Let me see a picture of Joseph Balls.

How did you get his name?

It's on the receipt.

It was on the receipt.

Oh, see, he's a power player under 40.

He's doing great, this guy.

When you first said it, I was like, there's no doubt in my mind this guy makes more money than me.

Oh, yeah, this guy's doing great.

Mrs.

Balls.

Yeah, to own a Chick-fil-A in Manhattan, it probably costs a million dollars just to get up and run it.

Yeah.

Joshua Balls.

It's a great, they do a great job.

He's killing it.

They got a lot of people working there.

Yeah.

You could start any business in the world, Stephen.

What would it be?

I've thought about that before, and I have no interest in doing that.

Yeah, but if you had to, gun to your head, you got to start a business.

Restaurant.

Right.

Yeah, it would be a restaurant.

It would be a restaurant.

Yeah.

It would be called Stevens.

Stevens.

Yes.

Stevens.

Stevens Restaurant.

Steven Apostrophe SSS.

And here at Stevens, a restaurant.

Stephen Apostrophe SSS and then Psych.

My name's actually Joseph Balls.

There is no Stephen.

Surprised?

It's all in the sign.

Surprised?

Well, if you want more surprises, why don't you come on in?

Because instead of food, we're serving child pornography.

In the basement.

Yeah.

Dude, I just found his...

How did you know I had that idea, huh?

How did you know I wanted to do that?

I'm clairvoyant.

Yeah.

I don't know if this is the same Josh Balls, but I found another Josh Balls on Instagram, and

his handle is ShredtheNar247 because he loves extreme sports.

He seems like a pretty cool guy.

I didn't realize this was such a common name.

What, Josh Balls?

How did you find that David Sperm?

David Sperm?

Oh, no, that's a name I think.

I think made him up.

Yeah.

That's a made-up character.

He made up a name for a guy.

I'll do that.

I'll sit around and I'll just come up with business cards.

How long does it take you to come up with one of these?

One like David Sperm.

I'm playing by Wake Up, and it's the first thought in my head.

A guy, a real estate agent named David Sperm, and Sperm is spelled S-P-I-R-M.

Yeah.

Good afternoon.

My name is David Sperm.

I'm a partner here at Corcoran.

Yeah.

I did $950,000 in sales last year.

That's not that much.

Commissions, sorry.

Commission is pretty good.

Yeah.

Don't get hung up on the money, Adam.

Well, that's not even one apartment in New York City.

We got things we we got.

But the prices of these places these days.

Yeah.

We're now entering the real estate corner.

That's how we like to close out the show.

There's a lot of people in the finance world that secretly listen to the world.

I learned that the hard way.

Well, we were at that bar.

Yeah.

That guy was don't, well, he said he's not caught up on the show.

Yeah, he's not listening.

You can talk, you can talk shit.

We're not going to say his name.

What happened?

Well, he was a real asshole.

Just

anytime I go to any bar with Adam, guys buy us drinks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Guys buy us drinks.

Yeah.

And we went to a bar the other night and a guy bought us drinks.

Remember when we met Shannon Doherty at a bar?

Me and you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did that happen?

I don't think so, but I wish it did.

Yeah,

that's what I was thinking.

Yeah,

it was a thing I was wishing that would happen.

Because she's.

I'm sorry.

Is she still.

Shannon Blower me.

There you go.

Is she still sexy?

Did she die?

She might have died.

Did she die?

Shannon Doherty?

I think she had a cancer.

She got cancer.

What about Tori's spelling?

Let's talk about Tori instead.

Yeah.

What if her name was Tori Balls?

Everything about that?

And she owned the Chick-fil-A.

And Adam came in there.

Mm-hmm.

And

Tori's spelling, her breasts were far apart.

These low-energy shows like this, where nothing is hitting, like, in a podcast format, it feels bad.

But when this is like a, when we have this set done,

and this is just some bizarre, we only upload the show.

Some, if I could figure out a way to YouTube settings where this show is only available in between 2.45 a.m.

and 3.30 in the morning.

So it's live.

Yeah, exactly.

You can only watch it.

I'll upload it for the red eye.

Yeah, I'll upload it for those hours.

And it's just, it's the three of us.

We smoke cigarettes in here.

We fucking.

It'll be like public access.

It'll be nice.

Yeah,

that's when this show hits its stride.

Steven, she's alive.

Okay, good.

That's very good to hear.

Who were you thinking of?

I was thinking, I think she was sick, though.

But anyways, Adam, you're on your phone more than you're on the show.

I just want to see if this bitch was alive, but it does look like she's not well.

No, I think she's just Irish.

This guy's been looking at his phone.

No, she looks good still, dude.

She looks good.

You just said she looks sick.

The last picture, she looks sick.

She looks sick.

Show the class, Adam.

Let me see the picture.

She looks pretty.

Did you get the iPhone 14?

I got the 14 Plus, brother.

What's that for?

He said he got, he's like, I'm getting the iPhone 14 in case we decide to shoot on location.

Yeah.

Those are his.

So I'm always ready with 4.

Okay.

In case we need to shoot on location, I'm getting the iPhone 14.

No, I said I got one terabyte hard drive purple edition.

No, I don't even have the purple one.

No, maybe she does look like shit.

Put it down for two seconds.

Maybe she does look like shit now.

I'm not going to comment on that.

I feel bad about what I said about Tori's breasts.

I was trying to.

Oh, nobody heard that.

No one heard it.

And everyone was thinking it, Steven.

And that's what people like about you.

I imagine she just has giant nipples.

She's completely flat-chested, but the nipple comes out.

Yeah, the nipple is just her entire breast.

Yeah, it's like a big, it looks like a tuna can.

No, this wasn't a low-energy show.

This is a good show to like, you know, you're working out at the gym.

You put this on on the headphones.

Yeah.

No, I'm telling you, a very sleepy, late-night show.

Yeah.

And then if we could, you know, like, we want to get basically the stars of New York municipal bureaucracy on here every episode.

We'd like borough presidents.

Borough presidents.

Mark Levine.

Yeah.

We get Mark Levine on here and we say, Chinese New Year this year.

What do you got planned?

Yeah.

What's coming up?

Yeah.

What do you think?

How is Chinese New Year going to bounce back from Corona?

Because this has got to be the year.

You've got to make it happen.

I've noticed that there's an intersection.

What the hell is going on with the Java Center?

What's going on?

It's sitting there vacant 90% of the time.

That could be used for homeless people.

And speaking of homeless people, why don't we just kill them?

Mm-hmm.

Mark?

Everything's not good until that last part.

Yeah.

Mark?

Mark, who's your least favorite homeless person in New York City?

Mark Levine.

Kanye says Jews are bad.

15 seconds.

Am I Mark?

Yeah.

I don't even know who that is.

Time's up.

Tony Blankly, the Jews go to bad.

They're bad.

They're bad.

They're bad.

In this industry, we have to watch what we say.

We have to, you know, be out there for.

No, that's not the truth.

In fact, it's quite the opposite.

Why do you say that?

Because we've really gone there.

Okay, and that has only made us stronger.

I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about Mark.

Oh, yeah.

Mark has to.

Oh, they don't call it an industry, though.

What is it?

They say in public service.

In my service, yeah.

In my service.

Public service.

Yeah, they wouldn't call it like

the president would be like, wouldn't be like, I'm in the presidential.

Presidential industry.

No,

honestly,

if we could turn it into that.

The political industry.

If we could turn

you

away.

That's show business.

That's the industry, baby.

If we could turn the Adam Freeland Show into an extremely boring 3 a.m.

talk show about New York City municipal squabbles, Yeah.

That would be a dream come true for me.

Second only to Lobster Claw.

What about Steve's restaurant?

That's your dream.

I know, but I thought you were kind of into it too.

I mean, I'll be an angel investor.

Of course.

With the, you know, with the

child pornography.

How about a guy that sells himself as an angel investor and then, you know, somebody like they comes and do the pitch and they're like, yeah, it's like a B2B network site and I put everything into it.

And he's like, we're going to set you up.

We're going to set you up, brother.

You know, and he's like, okay, great.

Can I have the money?

He's like, money?

No, I'm just going to pray for you, cousin.

I'm going to be an angel.

See, me personally, I was confused.

I got on the wrong flight.

I've been in San Francisco for 22 years.

I don't have the money to get home to Detroit.

And I heard angel investors.

And so this bit is...

I saw that movie.

He's praying for people.

Why is he talking that way?

Because

sometimes.

That's just the way he talks.

Yeah.

Why is he talking that way?

He's a black guy.

No,

let's be honest.

I'll be honest.

He's a black guy.

I had a stroke 15 years ago.

And I came out black.

My parents are from Vietnam.

But I sound like this.

My name is David Tram.

My name's David Sperm.

I'm a Vietnamese man.

He's had a stroke, and he talks like this.

And I'm an angel investor in San Francisco.

Yeah, I was the first one to invest in Joshua Balls.

And now he's the owner of a Chick-fil-A franchise.

Beautiful callback.

Smooth.

I laid up Adam fucking.

That was Tomahawk.

Tomahawk.

Adam, pick your nose one more time before the show's over.

Don't put me on the screen.

And then what are we doing?

Are we going to watch Officer and a Gentleman?

Yeah, that's a great movie.

Because I got no place else to go.

You know that place?

Debbie King?

You ever see Primal Fear?

When I was younger.

When I was younger.

What a shitty movie.

Yeah.

But I like Richard Gere a lot.

He's in that, right?

Yeah, I love Richard Gere.

Yeah, how about Richard Gere, but it's G-E-A-R?

And he's a robot.

What if it's Richard Gere, but it's G-E-R-B-I-L?

That was nothing for me, Steve.

It's just the way that Nick said it was funny.

And he's a robot.

You got to raise your eyes.

You say the dumbest thing.

You got to say, raise your eyes.

And then do a little slip.

You got to be proud of yourself.

You got to side-eye a little bit like this.

You got to go like this.

Stephen, so leaving this, do you have more or less respect for what we do for a living?

Absolutely more.

Okay.

Just so fun.

Yeah.

You've done great this.

I think you've been great.

Yeah.

What do you mean this?

I'm ashamed the cameras aren't on because you look so sharp today.

Really?

Yeah, you've been giving

haircuts.

I'll cut my own hair.

We'll have you back on when the video starts.

I would love to see that.

People got to get a better vision.

They got to drink you in.

No, you'll be a big part of the show.

Look, like I said, technically we could get started next week, but until I got to find a doctor that's going to do this fucking lobster claw thing.

So we want to be on camera until that happens.

We need lights on the camera.

The lights can be done immediately.

There's three different light shops

within a couple blocks.

Yeah, it's great being in this nation.

You guys are right in the thick of it.

You're right in the center of it all.

Yeah.

Right in the thick of it.

No, but really, I appreciate you guys having me on.

I hope it went all right.

And you appreciate our sponsors.

Let's put it this way.

If this had been the episode that we did right after the old show ended,

I would just burn all the equipment.

You know, I'd kill myself.

So you're saying it went.

For how bad the podcast element of this show has been,

unless we prepare stuff,

this is right on par.

This is about.

Par is good in golf, no?

We also got here early today, and we're like, let's do the podcast early so it's not late.

I was so energetic when I first got here, and now I just really have to go to the bathroom.

Adam wanted to take a nap.

And Adam took a nap.

I haven't been feeling well.

Yeah, so he wanted to sleep, and then,

you know, but folks, no, we don't have to make any more excuses.

I'm not making excuses.

And I'm not apologizing.

They had a great time today.

A couple I wish I could have had.

You know what?

But you know, you can't say that.

I had a great time today.

That's what I like to do.

And I'm not sick.

And I didn't have dinner last night with an 85-year-old grandfather of my girlfriend.

You sound better now.

I was tired.

What's that movie where Sean Connery plays a dragon?

Hmm.

Right, Dragonheart.

Dragonheart.

Dragonheart.

Mickey Rourke?

Is he in that?

No, that's a different heart.

Yeah.

What's the,

you're thinking of you're the dragon.

Well, he's in, yeah.

And I think he's in a heart movie, too.

I've got a terrible memory.

Heart of the penis with Mickey.

Yeah, my penis has a heart in it.

I got this disease where my penis has a heart in it, so

I'm fucking, I gotta get a bunch of plastic surgery.

I got the most sensitive heart.

Yeah.

Heart of the penis.

Heart of the penis.

All right, folks.

Hope you had a good time today.

Yeah, thanks.

Phoenix, Minneapolis.

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