Ep. ZIT – Bite Town

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Don't look at my dick.

What happened?

You lost your microphone?

Oh, no, Papa.

Oh, no, Papa.

Folks, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, the weekly show.

While Adam looks for his microphone, he somehow can't find it even though it's attached to his head.

I have both microphones.

This is my fault.

I'm sorry.

I should.

God damn it.

Now it's stuck to me.

What the fuck?

My whole goddamn life is just wires.

Wires fucking driving me insane.

It's stuck.

Quick, quick, quick reminder, everyone, to watch The Plumber.

The Peter Weir movie.

The Peter Weird movie.

The kind of movie that...

Did you get it?

He made it worse.

He made it worse.

Sorry, sorry.

No, you're okay.

Don't worry.

Well, Adam gets his microphone untangled from the headphones.

Folks, I'm in Houston this weekend at the Houston Improv

Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

The ticket sales are not going well, which it's actually not your guys's fault.

Turns out that

they only sell tables, so you have to find a friend.

Maybe there's some sort of buddy meetup.

Maybe this is a chance to find your lover,

your sexual lover, or hire an escort.

Hey, do you want to go to

the Nick Mullin stand-up comedy show where he's doing Subway Jared bits still in 2022?

See his classic Harambe bit.

See a whole hour of Harambe the Lion,

Subway Jared,

Dominic Strauss-Kahn

era material from when I quit stage.

2010.

I've been on tour for six months now.

Wait, March, April, May, June, July,

August, September.

Fuck, seven months, eight months I've been on tour, and I've produced a big fat fucking zero in terms of new material, but

I'm a good hang.

Afterwards, you know, we can

chat.

Maybe you'll meet your lover.

You'll meet your lover.

After that, next weekend I am in Phoenix, Tech, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona.

Phoenix, Texas.

Phoenix,

they should make, that should all be one state.

Texas, Arizona.

New Mexico.

New Mexico, Nevada.

Oklahoma.

New Mexico, Nevada.

Forever I always thought that was bullshit, that those are two different places.

They're not even bordering one another, yeah, but they're the same.

They both start with Anne,

and I got a lot to say about that.

If I don't mind if I don't mind if I blue chew, maybe we get some more information about blue chew coming up a little bit later.

That's exciting.

That's exciting.

Stay tuned for that.

Why the hell do people say see a later alligator?

Yeah, you know, they um

yeah, good go ahead.

Why don't you go ahead and try that to an actual alligator?

Yeah, good luck, buddy.

Good luck, buddy.

Paul Myers live.

Go ahead and try saying that to an actual alligator.

I look at him and I say, pal, why don't you try saying that to an actual alligator and see where that gets you?

A one-way ticket to

Byte Town, pal.

That's where you're going.

In fact, I think I'll be playing Byte Town next week.

Oh, geez.

Hope the crowd's better than this this one.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's good.

Geez, I hope the folks over at Byte Town are a little bit better than you guys.

That's pretty good.

What else do we got, folks?

You see, Dominic Strauss-Kahn is in the news.

Dominic Strauss-Kahn's back in the news.

Dominic Strauss-Kahn's back in the news.

He was the former leader of the World Bank who got arrested

for molesting.

For molesting an African woman in a bathroom.

I don't know what's worse, that that woman got raped in there?

That's probably the first time she's seen a bathroom in her entire life, folks.

I'll tell you,

on the ground?

You know, who couldn't wait to get on a plane from Africa here is that lady.

And then the last thing she said was, See you later, alligator, but she meant it for real because she was never coming back.

The jungle is filled with alligators.

She was never coming back to the heart of darkness, the dark continent.

Black Africa.

They used to call it Black Africa.

Do you know the original title of that book was Fart of Darkness, and it was about how stinky the Congo was.

No way.

Yeah.

No way.

Yeah.

It's crazy some Polish retard managed to write a book.

Yeah.

I didn't think they had books there.

In Poland?

Yeah, I thought they only had tubed-shaped meat products.

Kielbasa.

Yeah,

Polish people.

How about that?

They're very red.

Polish people?

Yeah, from alcoholism.

They get very red.

Do you ever go up to Greenpoint and

see those those fuckers up there?

They got skin heads up there.

Do they?

What's the time stamp?

I don't know.

Okay.

I gotta keep, for the ad reads, I gotta keep it.

Keep a little...

I'm feeling good, dude.

I took my vitamins.

It's necessary.

Now that I'm a vegan,

I have to take those fucking vitamins.

Do you need iron and stuff?

Iron you can get from spinach and broccoli and stuff.

They don't put iron in, at least the multivitamin I've used forever because it's easy to get too much, I think.

And then you get heavy metal poisoning?

Yeah, you become

Rob Halford.

Oh, sick.

Yeah.

He's like, I think I got heavy metal poisoning.

They're like, no, it's HIV from being a homosexual.

No, no, no.

It's heavy metal poisoning.

It's heavy metal poisoning.

It's from doing too much hard rock.

That's one of my bones.

That's one of my bones is messed up.

I'll jump his bones.

I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

I might just be a British moron for the rest of the time, whatever.

I didn't realize that the British moron was Rob Halford.

The homosexual lead singer of Judas Priest.

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

How do they say it?

Is it like that?

They say sang.

Sang.

Sang.

Let me tell you something, son.

Let me tell you something.

Don't son me.

Don't come to where I live and try to son me.

Yeah.

I'd like to see them try to sun me.

Just reading about this.

Reading about blacks.

I found out they're doing this in New York.

They're doing this, sunning each other.

Why don't you come down to Australia and try and sun me, see what happens

later, Alligator?

That's what I'll be saying to you.

Yeah, first they let the blacks in, then you stalk it and sunned.

Yeah, that's why we have to close the border.

What else is in the news?

I tried to fuck a guy, but I'm straight.

Rob Halford is back in the news.

I have the pin.

Rob Halford is back in the news.

Yeah, folks.

Well, guys, also, I want to wish all of our Jewish listeners a very meaningful Yom Kippur fast.

You really got into your shit for Yom Kippur this year, huh?

I promised my mom I'd go.

That's good, dude.

I'm happy for you.

As long as you don't revert to Zionism,

I'm fully fully on board with this new Jewish, even more Jewish Adam.

I'm going to go more Jewish, more religious.

Go back into my spirituality, which I was never really into.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was more into,

you know,

more into music.

I think that would be good for you.

Yeah, maybe it'd give life some meaning.

Give life a little bit of context.

Maybe stop worrying just about myself, you know?

Yeah.

Start seeing myself as part of something bigger.

Who knows?

Or maybe I'll just.

Maybe we could have like a rabbi on for one of the video episodes.

We could get that

guy.

What's his name?

Rabbi Shuley.

That guy that goes on TV.

I think he's a scam artist.

Yeah.

He had a show, I remember, it was called Shalom in the Home.

I tell you, if they had that guy around, they'd have to rabbi shoe me away from all the pussy that he'd be bringing in here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he likes them his yeah he likes them his whole crew

yeah

his whole crew of uh of bitches

real yum some yum kippur yeah

yum yeah

there's a lot of jewish holidays now that we have to go to b h all the time they're they're closed all the time they're constantly closed for another holiday well once a week they're closed for the sabbath

and then yeah b h is closed today for yum kippoor yeah it is that is very fun like they saw Christmas and they're like, what if we do it all the time?

What if we had a million Christmases?

What if we just had Christmas every week?

What if we had Christmas, but it was just more boring and didn't involve, you know, what if I built

a tiny house outside of my house and we eat conch chocolate in there?

That's the funniest one.

Yeah.

Suck it.

Suck it.

Yeah.

That one's funny, and then their Halloween was pretty funny.

Do you feel honestly though?

Do you feel good about doing the Yom Kippur stuff?

I feel like my mom would have liked that I went.

Did you feel like connected with her or somebody?

No, I did not.

Well, they do a prayer for if you have a dead parent,

they do something.

That's really nice.

I stayed in the room.

Everyone else has to leave.

If you have an immediate relative who's dead, you stay in and they do the thing.

And I felt like that was good.

I wish I could have some kind of spiritual connection.

Unfortunately, all I got is my gadgets.

You got your wires.

I got my wires and my gizmos.

Yeah.

And sometimes

Nick has them crossed.

Yeah.

You know?

You got your wires crossed, pal.

He gets his wires crossed, pal.

You ever notice how people say,

don't get your wires crossed?

Yeah.

Pal, show me one guy who hasn't done that.

I got a drawer at my parents' house where I live filled with wires, and they're completely crossed.

Yeah, they're just jumbled up.

So what are you saying?

I have schizophrenia.

I'm a schizophrenic guy that does comedy for some reason.

All right, next joke.

Next joke.

Bite down.

You see me next week in Bite Town.

Yeah.

I'll get you a one-way pick of that bite.

What's that story you have about him talking about the Orioles?

Oh, yeah.

He was on the podcast.

And EJ's landed.

Yeah, shitting on the Orioles and two guys just casually leaving the bar.

Oh, that too much for you?

Get them, Tom.

Boom.

Get them.

Oh, and speaking of Tom, fans stay on him about coming on the show.

Apparently, he's going on a big podcasting tour.

He goes on the Chapo Trap House podcast.

You know, I listened to five minutes of that on the plane.

I couldn't tell them apart.

It was like five Tom Meyers sitting in a room.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And now I have to fucking, they have to boast to me, oh, we had Tom on

about mom tires.

Yeah, that'd be sick.

She's like, y'all want some, y'all want some Michelins?

How you doing?

My name's Sandy.

I'm 832 pounds, and I sell used tires.

I sell them myself personally.

I'm mom tires.

That's the name of my business.

And I'm also gay.

Yeah.

My tire.

A riddle, bitch.

Honey.

Just a riddle.

Just a riddle bit.

I'm just a r a riddle bit.

I'm just

23 and me.

Chinese Tom Myers being like, yo, why do they call him the riddler?

It seems like this guy's the same size as Less of them.

Yes, that's good.

He's about the same size as rest of them, but they call him the Riddler.

I was thinking they should call him the normal size guy.

Yeah.

The guy that's the same size as everybody else.

I guess that's what the question marks marks are for.

You see him and you're like, yeah, this guy's riddler than the rest of the guys.

And you look at him and you're like, no, he's not.

And it's like, what?

What the hell?

And that's what all the exclamation points are for.

You know, they got a new Riddler coming out.

A new movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's playing the Riddler?

It's trans.

Really?

And the question marks are, what are the gender identity?

Really?

Yeah.

The genderlist.

The genderless.

On TBS.

The genderless.

The genderist.

The gender.

I solve crimes.

Yeah.

He just shows up at the crime scene.

And I know what you're thinking, folks.

What even is that?

Like,

he uses the power of men's logical thinking and women's intuition to solve crimes.

He solves crimes with his fake tits and his giant cock.

Yeah.

That'd be cool.

I'd watch that show.

Yeah.

What would you do while you're watching it?

Would you masturbate?

No, they wouldn't show that on network TV, but they'd imply the giant dick.

You know?

And they wouldn't show Nip.

But they'd show everyone getting horny for the gender mentalist.

The gender mentalist.

He's got mubergendas.

He does?

Damn, now I feel sick again from hitting that vape.

I think that's the problem.

Yeah, probably.

I wish that thing wasn't around.

It's not good for you.

It's terrible, and I quit, and then,

you know, like just getting work done all day, just getting stuff done.

It's hard not to do a little bit.

Yeah.

You should get a wife that you can beat.

I'm not a wife beater.

Yeah, but that seems like a nice way to polish off a good day's work.

I'm a wife ignorer.

Yeah.

That's my.

I wish you'd hit me.

Yeah.

I wish you'd hit me because at least you acknowledge that I'm here.

Literally, yes.

That's one.

That's every relationship I've had.

That's the problem.

At least if you hit me, we'd be closer.

The amount of times I've heard, it's like you're not even there.

Yeah.

I just wrote that in the thing I was writing.

Oh, the thing you were writing.

Yeah.

It feels like you're 1,000 kilometer away.

Folks, are people still doing postcards?

Old letters right there.

Everybody can read it.

Yeah, it's true.

What if you wrote on there, hey, I'm gay, don't tell anybody?

I hope nobody sees this.

I hope nobody sees this postcard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll try that one out in Bite Town.

Bite Town next week.

Yeah, I'll be in Bite Town Four Nights at the Comedy Lodge.

Yeah, I'd like to see you try and say that to an actual alligator, pal.

That's a good joke.

That's a good joke.

There was this nerd that I went to high school with.

I probably said this on the old podcast.

This is not a nerd besmirching podcast.

I'm not going to talk shit, but he was.

Hometown may have been a nerd-besmirching podcast, but the Adam Friedland show is pro-nerd.

There was this kid written.

This is a wire and gizmo show, and when that's not happening, guess what?

It's fucking Yom Kippur, pal.

It's Sakkat.

It's Rosh Hashanah.

What's the other one?

Passover.

There's another one.

Simchat Torah.

Simchat Torah.

You know what?

That's the one where they get drunk.

You're supposed to get drunk.

On Manashevitz.

You get drunk on shots of potato vodka.

What are some of the other Jewish holidays?

Shminiat Seret.

And that's Toyota Truckathon.

Yeah, that's Toyota Trot.

Toyota Truck Month.

And they're losing their goddamn mind over there.

Yeah.

It's fuckathon at the Toyota dealership.

Come on down now and fuck Larry, the finance manager.

It's Toyota Fuck Month.

Show your pussy to Larry and he'll fuck you.

It's fuckathon.

It's Toyota Fuck Month.

It's Toyota Trans Sales Event.

We're trying anything.

No one's buying buying these cars.

Are you trans?

Please buy a car.

If the bank's allowed to be gay, why can't Toyota be gay?

It's true.

Come on down for gay trans Toyota Day.

No money down.

There's going to be

a car dealership to a Pride Month event.

I'm sure there has been.

Zoom, Zoom.

Zoom, Zoom.

It's Mazda Pride event.

Oh, yeah, there was this nerd I went to school with named Richard.

They're always, they always have their full name.

You notice that?

Gay guys and nerds.

Dick.

Yeah, Dick, a nice straight guy named Dick.

Yeah, but they're either like they're all Christopher.

Richard.

Yeah.

And Richard was a nerd, and he said all of high school that he had a fiancé and that it was Wiccan.

And then

probably huge tits.

Yeah, she probably.

Nothing like a Wiccan girl with huge cold tits.

Yeah.

She's a yeah.

They're just tastiest.

They're poorly circulated.

Yeah, they got the blue veins.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They have veins like a penis.

You pull them out.

Yeah, you pull them out.

You're like, Jesus,

are you using a walk-in freezer for a bra?

Why are your tits blue?

Folks, have you ever noticed that these Wiccan girls have cold tits?

Yeah, I'll be trying that one out in Byte Town next week.

So he had a bumper sticker that said,

don't be mean to dragons

because you'll end up getting burnt damn.

I did a fucking number on my back

on those wires.

Yeah,

dude.

I'm sorry, man.

It's all right.

Nick is killing himself for the show.

I did it the most.

And guys, listen, the studio is looking pretty right.

Next week we have our second install.

We're pretty fucking excited about how things are coming along.

And if you want to support the show, you want to support the,

you know,

whatever's going on and what we have planned, we're looking at next month.

It's going to be the official launch of the new Adam Friedland Show.

So, guys, you can go to patreon.com/slash T-A-F-S

and you can subscribe.

You get twice as many episodes.

You get exclusive video content.

There's a couple videos up there right now that we've already done.

We have more in the works right now.

So, go to patreon.com/slash T-A-F-S.

That was a little plug.

The Adam Friedland show.

Steven said he started a podcast called the Friends and Guys podcast.

He's like, stay tuned for Fags episode one.

I love Steven.

We got to have Steven on the show more.

Yeah, he was on the show that one time without.

Yeah, I know.

But he got afraid to talk.

Yeah.

He was like, yeah, Adam, I feel like I didn't.

I really blew it on the show.

Yeah, people, it takes a while for people to.

You got to turn off the

forget that anyone's listening.

yeah.

You know, you got nervous at Sirius, I could see it in your face.

I got nervous, but I warmed up.

No, you know, I was, it was just there's something more about going into a studio and you know it's live, yeah, and you know, there are cameras, those heavy doors that close, heavy doors, yeah.

No, it was just like I was uh thinking, I was like, wow, this is like when I was watching Howard on E jacking off to the blurred titties as a youth.

I was like, Now, now I'm now I'm a pair of blurred titties.

This is huge for me, but uh, you know, know, I think I got during the

second block, I think I felt a lot more comfortable.

At first, I was a little shook.

Folks, you hear this song, Blurred Lines?

Yeah.

This guy's talking about when it's okay to rape a girl.

Geez, it makes you wonder, Robin Thick, does they mean thick-headed?

Yeah.

What a freaking moron.

Yeah.

To write a song.

You got to be a freaking idiot to rape.

It got me thinking, I'm going to start writing a song, and it's called Can I Eat Hillary Clinton's Pussy?

And

I'll be in the studio all week recording that one if anybody wants to talk to me after the show.

Imagine the song version of that.

Hillary.

Yeah.

She locks in the room.

She's got an old cunt.

I wanna lick it.

I wanna suck it.

You know I'm Tom Mars.

Can I suck suck you?

Can I suck you?

You know, I want that old cone.

Let me suck it.

Just let me enter from the bottom of your drapes that you wear now, the $10,000 drapes that Hillary Clinton wears as clothes.

It's true.

What is she?

She dresses like fucking like...

like in like sci-fi when she dresses like kim jong-un but she dresses like she dresses like a north korean in sci-fi when there's like a religious leader, there's like a premier that's also just like the Benny Jesserin.

Right, yeah, exactly.

Just in communion with God.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's how she sees herself.

I'm the high priestess of fucking month.

Hello, I am Reverend Mother Hillary.

Yes.

Yeah, we're going to have a big month.

We're actually asking Hillary Clinton's permission to do gay month at Toyota.

Oh, man.

Here at Fuckface Toyota.

We got to watch her

show where

she learns how to be a comedian with the french clown with the well the french clown is a clip from it but it's hillary and chelsea clinton learning about comedy

i think we can watch it and then learn about comedy too what we gotta do right now let's hear it is we're gonna have to

we gonna have to talk about

my bookie my bookie my bookie

five years ago i had a stroke and i've been living off disability which wasn't enough to actually keep myself alive.

So I figured, fuck it, I might as well gamble my disability checks.

So I've been going to mybookie.ag

and placing

money lines on, what are you pulling up?

The website?

Mybookie.ag.

Folks, the NFL season is in full swing.

The Raiders are one in three.

Guys, you can bet on fucking sports at fucking mybookie.ag

and the full website is mybookie.ag don't put the f-word in it.

Guys, they have a sports book, they have a casino, they have racing.

You can deposit money, you could deposit Bitcoin, you could deposit your seed.

They got contests.

Let's see what their contests are nowadays.

Oh, they got a My Bookie Super contest.

Think you know about football?

Pick five games against the spread each week and earn points for the wins.

A battle for for huge cash prizes all SZN long.

I don't know what that means.

S C N.

Oh.

Oh, it's a cool way of spelling season.

Oh, Mr.

Guer Chinese.

Oh, black life.

Chinese is a fuck.

If you are Chinese, you're a fuck.

If Japanese, you're curved.

If Chinese, you're a fuck.

At my market.h.

They got another contest called Survivor Contest.

That's where...

Survivor.

Who remembers that TV show?

It's still on TV.

A lot of fun.

You know what else is on TV?

The Simpsons.

It is.

It is.

What happened to that damn Jeff Probst?

I had a weird moment the other day when I realized that I'm the age now that Homer Simpson was when The Simpsons started.

Is that right?

I'm doing 33.

33.

Yeah.

I'm the age now that Homer was when The Simpsons started.

That's good.

Got me wondering, what's next?

Am I going to turn into a cartoon character?

Am I going to get a big gut and I should start drinking duff?

Beer?

Guess you folks aren't television fans.

I guess we don't have TV owners in here.

Guess we don't have TV owners.

I met a girl the other day at a bar.

She told me she doesn't have a TV in her apartment.

And I said, so how do you watch TV then?

She says,

I don't.

And I said, well, then how the hell do you

I said, fuck you.

That's pretty good.

I don't think it's nice to talk to women that way, Tom.

By the way, tomorrow at 9 a.m., we're good on the floors.

So after we wrap this up, we've got to move everything over to the equipment room.

I got you.

So they can.

And then I guess I'm going to have to.

Let's do it.

I'll get those outlets put in now because I'm not going to be able to bring that ladder

onto the floor.

after.

All right, cool.

Or at least I'm not going to be able to drag it all over the fucking floor after.

Okay, let's finish this My Bookie.

Yes, yes, yes.

So they got the My Bookie Super Contest, the My Bookie Survivor Contest.

Are you a survivor?

Prove it.

Pick one team each week.

Straight up, no spread.

If your team wins, you move on to the next week.

If they lose, you're fucking out.

You can't pick the same team twice.

How long will you survive this winner-take-all contest?

And they have another one called Squares.

Get hyped for every quarter of action with squares.

Select your NFL or NCAAF.

What's NCAAF?

That's black

fags.

What's up, man?

We're the black fags.

Oh, that's the NAAC.

We're a biker gang.

Yeah, we're the black fags.

NCAAF squares.

Isn't that one of the New Zealand rugby teams?

All black fags.

The black facts.

Oh, no.

The black facts.

Yeah.

The black facts.

Squares on the game board and choose the score.

Winners get paid every quarter.

Terms and conditions apply.

Guys, you go to fucking mybookie.com, you sign up, murder.ag, you sign up, you get your bonus.

Okay,

they got these great contests.

They have live betting.

They have casino.

They have races.

It's like a day at the track with the ponies.

Let's see who's coming up.

Oh, Delta Downs.

What's going on over there?

They got a bunch of southern arslers.

In race one at Delta Downs, I'm going to be picking

my boy Sam.

Oh, Heavenly Trump.

Heavenly Trump.

He's a 15 to 1.

He's on the outside.

He's in the 11th gate.

All right, guys.

So go to mybookie.ag.

You put in promo code ComeTown or Come Town20.

You get all this fucking free shit.

You get free money.

You get free everything.

They got the best odds.

You don't need to download an app.

you just do it on your browser.

They have live in-game wagering, and it's on all fucking sports.

So go to mybookie.ag, promo code ComeTown, ComeTownSway.

Thank you.

MyBookie.fag.

MyBookie.fag.

Wow, it's crazy.

You could bet on preseason basketball, but those games aren't real.

What do you mean they're not real?

Well, they don't like, it's not like a, they're competing.

They play their starters for like 10 minutes.

They don't like uh they're not trying to win you know i realized the other day if you take the word letter p out of the word competing

what do you get comeding

nice yeah that's true he's like i've finally written a joke

It took 35 years of stand-up comedy, but I...

I accidentally happened upon a joke.

I figured it out, folks.

Folks, let me ask you something.

You're at home.

You're showing your penis to your wife for the first time.

She's spewing a bunch of tie gobbledygook.

You're 15 Budweisers deep,

and the thing won't get hard.

What do you do?

You wait seven minutes until the Blue Chew read, and you go back to this.

Let's go back to it.

Yeah.

Damn.

Okay, well, good.

I'm glad now that that guy emailed me back.

It's like,

good.

Now there's a deadline so I have to get all this other shit done and then we're done done done done done what do you mean with the room the like all the prep stuff is done then it's just then it's just shit gets dropped off light it you know what I mean yeah this is the last thing and then they that's the last thing and then and then lights us out yeah also too I gotta block out one more of these windows so I'll do that I can do that tomorrow I can they they're polishing the floors they're gonna I don't know I really don't know about the floors but I imagine they'd buff them and then they're gonna lay down like some kind of oil-based fucking

like.

So, will we have access to the unit tomorrow?

We'll be sliding around.

They're going to just do it.

He's coming to 10 a.m.

You're not even going to be awake.

No.

You're going to be dreaming about Jewish heaven.

I'm going to be dreaming about next year.

Did you make a brisket?

No, that's for Rush Hashanah.

Rusha Shana.

What do you say at all lazy?

Rusha Shadow.

Roshijana.

That's for Rusha Shadow.

Because Jews are tired.

Y'all, I'm tired.

Jews are tired, y'all.

I'm tired, y'all.

Yeah.

What do we got coming up?

No, you don't eat for this one.

Halloween.

Did we want to do something spooky for Halloween?

Of course, we want to do something spooky for Halloween.

A bunch of dead bits.

We're going to do this.

Yeah, what we're doing is we're going to go to the bit graveyard.

We're killing the show for Halloween.

Yeah, we're going to murder the show.

Yeah.

It would be funny if we just never.

Came out with the show.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah it's coming dude there are three guys who are like i know it it's coming it's coming i hope we can at least do some of the other stuff i want you can call me a fag you can call me a kike but if you call me a goddamn liar

actually i've i've lied plenty of times i've lied so many times

you can also call me a liar i guess but i'm not lying about this one thing yeah the show is coming out and i mean what we also need to do because look we do have the the premiere episode with a big guest, but we got our big celebrity guest

with over one million Instagram followers.

We need to hit CAA to

just fill the calendar up.

I know.

I talked to them.

Also,

John could actually probably help with that.

I think.

Jim Norton?

Yeah.

Well, he just gets New York.

He just gets Ian.

No, no, they have big guests that go on that show.

Yeah.

Well, we need a producer.

Like Dermot McEllery or

Tom Skarrit has been on the show.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Huge.

We could have Diane Lane on the show.

Oh my god.

Dude, she's so hot.

Kira Sedgwick.

Diane Lane is so hot.

We got folks.

I'm sorry.

I used to want to fuck this show.

First episode of TAFS, we've got Kira Sedgwick coming on.

Kira Sedgwick from

musical guest Chinese guy featuring Dracula.

Yeah.

Kira Sedgwick from Chin

the Genderlentalist.

The genderlentalist.

Yeah, they got this show Bones.

Folks, I watched it.

Guys, they got this guy, David Boreanis, in this damn show,

Bones.

There's not a single skeleton on the show.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess the people have skeletons in them, but then you could call any show

bones.

In fact, I was saying they should call every show bones except for The Simpsons because those are are cartoon characters.

That's the only one where they can't use it.

Hey, how about Family Guy?

Yeah.

How about Family?

Who else would we want on the show?

Folks, write in.

Tell us what you want.

It's also two.

I want to get.

We want Tom.

We want Tom.

We want Tom.

Guys, get in Tom's messages.

Tell him the offer stands at $10,000.

I'm going to figure out a way to get it where we can have people call in and it just pipes into the studio.

I'm so hyped on that.

We could do

a Dr.

Drew Loveline.

Yeah.

What we need is we get the switchboard because at some point doing live shows would be cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we should we should figure out how to do that.

You're right?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

You're coughing?

Yeah, just a little cough.

It's dusty in this damn place.

Damn, I'm excited.

Now that I know, now that I have a deadline and I can go back out there and keep getting work done.

Now I just want to.

How much shit do we have to move?

Was that?

We don't have that much shit.

Not that much shit, but we got to get all the tape off the floor.

And then once everything's moved.

They're just doing it in front of the flats, though.

Yeah, once everything's moved, I want to just get these.

I've been intimidated by

doing...

Folks, I know you guys think I'm a moron, but I'm not stupid enough to touch electrical wires

unless I know exactly what I'm doing.

But I think I

don't know what I'm doing, but I think I got a handle on it.

I just need to throw outlets on those two pots.

Up top?

Yeah.

That's great.

And then we're going to be plugging shit into the ceiling.

Yeah, so you can plug the lights in up there.

Yeah, that's great.

And then also I should clamp down.

You know what?

I guess maybe I'll just get some like heavy-duty felt.

And then if we need to, because I will have to get up there to move lights around once we get the DP in here.

So just put that under the ladder.

But are the ladders going to fuck up the new floors?

That's why you need like felt or something to put the...

Oh, it felt on the bottom.

Yeah.

Oh, I got you.

I got you.

Guys, we're getting new floors.

I'm excited.

What else?

What else?

So I work at 7-Eleven, but you know what that means means I'm half Indian, half Japanese.

What's he up to?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

My girlfriend doesn't have keys, so she's going to come meet here.

Oh, she's coming here.

Yeah.

Damn, I have to piss so bad.

you can we can pause.

You can go pee.

Do you want to just try to do five minutes on your own while I go piss?

Yeah, let me see.

Why don't you make up a monologue?

I'm going to go piss.

I'll be back.

Monologue about what?

And, folks, I don't have a bladder problem.

I just drank a gallon of water.

You drank it in the store before he checked out.

Because I was thirsty all day.

And I was working and I didn't think to drink water.

But I got to piss now.

I'll be back.

Well, Nick said make up a monologue, but I'm going to interpret that as

not knowing about

the monologue.

Not knowing that it's a comedy monologue for a talk show.

I'm going to do a dramatic monologue

from a play about Greenwich Village in 1981.

Greenwich Village, 1981.

A plague has descended on me and my friends,

The queens,

the fags, the gossips,

the fairies,

the butt-boys,

the sailors, the bikers, the leather daddies, the subs, the doms.

We're all dying.

Who will it claim next?

I moved to New York City for one reason, one reason only,

to be a fag.

Everyone growing up in my small town in Iowa said that I could never be a fag.

I can never be like one of those big city faggots.

I moved here with a stick and a bindle

over my shoulder.

I walked from Iowa to New York City.

And I came, when I arrived,

I saw faggots everywhere.

Boys with handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets, fucking in alleyways, dumpsters, garbage trucks, sneaking out in the margins of society.

And now a plague has descended on us.

Everyone's dying.

Who's going to die next?

They say

that I'm a dreamer.

But I'm not the only one.

It's John Lennon who said that, who's also a fag.

Hello?

Hi, doctor.

What is it?

I do.

Is there a cure?

No.

Okay.

Well, Well, yes.

I've had rough gay trade sex re gay trade.

I've had rough trade gay sex recently.

Okay.

Well, thanks.

Semper 5, brother.

Okay, so what was your story about?

It was kind of a dramatic monologue.

It kind of lost, fell off the, fell off, the wheels fell off the tracks.

But it was like kind of.

Nobody's jumping shit on motorcycles anymore.

You know?

Yeah, Knievel kind of really just was the only one.

Well, he had his son.

Oh, his son.

He had Knievel Jr., yeah.

Yeah, Richard Knievel.

Who liked computers.

He would go, check this out.

And then he'd overclock his Pentium.

So

yeah, I just talked about, you know, it was kind of one of those

Angels in America style AIDS plays.

You know, so I just did a dramatic monologue about growing up in Iowa and t everyone everyone telling me that I could never be a fag and telling them I was gonna go to the big city to be a fag.

And then a plague has descended upon us.

And then all my friends are dying.

Who will save us?

President Reagan?

Is that you?

Reagan, President Weagan.

President Wagon, is that you?

Is that you?

President Wagon.

Are you there, God?

It's me.

Fat titty girl.

Um, folks, if you're like me, your dick doesn't work.

Yeah.

Folks, if you're like me, your dick does not work.

If you're like Nick, your dick doesn't work.

And the only way to fix that is by going to bluechew.sexy.

Guys, in recent studies conducted across America, it was found that all men, or at least 99.5% of men, cannot get an erection.

So you go to Blue Chew.com and it says, have better sex, discover your options with an online provider.

And provider means some bitch on it.

They made you do a Zoom meeting, right?

Yeah, I did a Zoom.

I didn't have to do a Zoom meeting.

I did a Zoom with a nurse practitioner, not a real doctor.

You could include.

He said, I didn't know that.

I demanded a real doctor.

Blue Chew is a dick-chewable company.

40% of Americans hate taking pills.

Blue Chew, they invented a chewable form of generic Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

And it's 100%, what's included is 100% U.S.

licensed medical providers, prescription consultation for saldenophil, todalophil, or verdenophil.

Professional, look, I didn't fuck those words up at all.

Yeah.

That's all it takes.

Vitamins, and my brain's working again.

Dude, you're fucking, you're cooking with cash.

Yeah.

No waiting rooms, no appointments.

Guys, it's probably changed the lives of every single person who's listening to this podcast.

But if it hasn't, you can go online, you can talk to one of their licensed medical providers.

No awkward in-person visits to the doctor, no awkward trips to the fucking pharmacy where they laugh at you.

They ask you not to come back.

They say, come back when you're a real man.

And I say,

you're not even from this country.

And then they say,

uh, fuck you.

So, guys, you don't have to do any of that shit.

They send it to your apartment or home in discreet packaging, like a fucking secret agent.

It doesn't say dick pills on it.

And then you can rush to

the fucking mailbox and hide it from your girlfriend.

I choose my backpack to hide it in.

I have 100 dick pills on me at all times.

And whenever we're making love and she says, why does your breath taste like blue raspberry candy?

I say it's because I like candy and she should mind her own fucking business.

She says, well, I want some blue raspberry candy.

I said, no,

I ate the only one.

Lips like sugar, sugar pussy.

Folks, have you heard this song Lips Like Sugar?

Yeah, it sounds like you'd get diabetes from sucking your wife off if that were a chance.

You ever read Pussy You ever read Hillary Clinton's Pussy So Hard Your Legs Have to Be Amputated?

Here she's going to want to get back at Bill for all that shit he pulled.

Yeah.

Sorry, folks.

That's pretty good.

I was thinking about this fat girl in Byte Town.

Let's just say we got a date with Destiny.

Whoa.

Is that her name?

It could be.

I'll write that down.

That's good.

Yeah, what's your name?

Destiny?

What's your name?

Destiny?

Because I got a date with Destiny.

And she said, no, my name's Michelle.

And I said, well, I got a date with Michelle.

Have you ever been to a stand-up comedy show?

I said,

have you ever seen a man

pursuing a nightmare at 40 years old?

A lot of people pursue their dreams, but some folks pursue a nightmare.

Some folks pursue a nightmare before Christmas.

Yeah, that's what Chris Angel said when I saw him live: that a lot of people follow his dreams, but he followed his nightmare.

He followed his nightmare.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

I like that a lot.

Anyway, guys, you go to blue shoe.com, you sign up, you talk to one of those.

You can't see my book, you use promo code ComeTown or Clayton 20.

You sign up, you talk to one of those licensed medical providers, and they give you your first month free.

All you have to do is pay $5 shipping, and then you can get your day card.

We can't guarantee a girlfriend, we can't guarantee that you'll last long.

You might still bust quake, but it'll get hard as fuck.

That's all girls love.

You're having a hard, old-fashioned penis?

I have hard penis.

She said my penis is small, and I told her, No, it is old-fashioned.

What's going on?

Girlfriend problems?

No, she said she'll be here in 20.

Okay, we'll do it.

20 minutes.

Okay, so

Sarah.

Ah, fuck.

Now I'm like, no, I'm just anxious because there's a bunch of shit to do.

Oh, we just got to move all that stuff.

She'll help us.

Yeah, move the stuff.

I'm going to put that bitch to work.

Move the stuff, get those outlets done.

Which outlets?

Oh, up top?

Yeah, the ones on the ceiling.

And then also thinking about that pipe's loose, so I should at least...

No, that's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Don't worry about them pipes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can do that later.

Yeah.

I'm just trying to minimize.

I don't want to pay to have the floors fucking look nice.

Because they're going to be on camera, folks.

We're not insane making floors look nice for us.

Are we going to have a no-shoes office?

Are we going to have like an Asian family?

You're going to have to wear booties.

I'm going to wear booties.

You're going to wear painter's booties even while doing the show.

You're going to wear a suit with painter's booties on.

That's, yeah, because Nick doesn't want me to ruin the floors.

I don't know, yeah.

Now that I have nice floors, Jesus, I really am turning into just an old queen.

Yeah, literally.

Yeah.

Yeah, Nick put a plastic on their couch.

Yeah.

He doesn't want spills.

I'm just hyacinth now.

She's the best.

Yeah.

It's a great show, folks.

If you've never watched Keeping Up Appearances, we talk about it all the time.

That gets a big recommendation from your boy.

It is a show that both Nick and I enjoyed growing up, and then we found out we were.

I don't know.

You're probably the only other person I know that's watched.

Tim Dylan loves it.

Does he?

Yeah, it was my family show.

We all watched it together.

Really?

My family wasn't even aware of it.

No, just watching it.

Because my parents are from, they lived in England for a long time.

Mouth Africa.

They're from Mouth Africa.

Mouth Africa.

Yeah, they're from Gucktown, Mouth Africa.

Welcome down here.

We call it Mouth Africa.

Because I'm about to mouth Africa.

I'm going, dude.

I'm booking my flights tonight.

I'm going to Johnny Sperronis.

I'm going to see Granny.

She's 91.

It's me.

I'm

going to go to the old Tupac of

Udom's Grundma.

I'm Adam's Grundmo.

Yeah.

And I live here in Mouth Africa.

Nick, you should come to Mouth Africa with me.

We go on Safari, dude.

We'll see like fucking exotic animals.

Yeah, I love it.

Once we get this fucking show popping, dude, we're taking this shit on the road.

We're going on tour again.

Yeah, we are going on tour again.

That is another thing that we're planning.

Up and up and up.

I was talking to our agents about it.

They want to do it.

Look, you guys, we got just

three more weeks of just sort of a lull

while we do some, but no more patchwork.

I know we said this already, but no more just feeding you slop.

No.

We're going to, like, and look, and frankly, I'm sorry, but the podcast days are probably numbered.

I guess we can continue to release an audio version of the video stuff, but we got to have a talk show.

Yeah, we'll have a, I mean, if it's a talk show, we can still release it as an audio.

Sure.

Yeah.

But I mean, we are going to do a lot of, like we said, we are going to have exotic animals in here.

Yeah.

And they will all be wearing painters' booties.

I'm so excited.

I got to be careful, though.

Yeah.

I got to make sure that I'm not having mental illness.

No, yeah.

That's the best part about being mentally ill is that sometimes you'll be in a good mood and you have to go, this could be dangerous.

Yeah.

This could be bad.

I got to be careful.

I can't trust.

The depression, I know that's fine.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, it's the upswings.

Fuck this world.

Fuck this world.

But, you know, and the other thing, uh, I don't want to speak for the Blue Shoe Corporation, but it does cure manic depression as well.

That is a, they're not promising it, but we have plenty of anecdotal evidence.

Do you like that band, Panic at the Dick Sucking Factory?

Yeah, they're from Vegas.

Yeah.

That's the band of my city.

Panic at the penis center.

Panic at the penis center.

Panic at the place where you show

tonight at the penis center.

Panic at the place where you show your penis to your friends.

Yes.

What are we going to talk about before the end of this show?

Yeah, we learned early on that this...

This is a panic monologue about AIDS.

We learned early on that this is not the kind of show that can have zero preparation.

It was nice that we had that for years.

Yeah.

But this is going to be...

Which is good.

That's what you want.

As a fucking, like...

As as a podcast listener?

Not as a podcast listener, but as somebody that makes stuff, you shouldn't, like,

you know, the problem with the old shows is it was, you just phone it in, you know?

And this, it makes me feel bad

when you do that.

Yeah, I know.

And as the standards are going to begin to change.

Yeah.

So it just kind of feels like that.

We were in that mode for a long time and now it's kind of evolving.

Yeah.

It's evolving into something.

Please come out to Houston this weekend, though, because all of the money is being sunk into the show, and I do need just maybe another month where I don't have to just live all stand-up money.

And then we'll figure a budget out.

Yeah.

Fire and forget.

Whatever that means.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, I think we need a

kind of a house bitch, you know.

Yeah, my therapist said that I got to go no contact with my ex-girlfriend.

Yeah.

And I told her, we didn't have any contact for the last two and a half years of the relationship.

In fact, I was the entire time.

She's a fat black woman in prison that I started a correspondence with.

And that's the only relationship I've ever been in.

You never got a conjugal visit?

Yeah, I've never gotten pussy.

Yeah, I didn't get pussy.

She was actually scamming me.

I've tried pussy.

Yeah, I've watched a bunch of shows about, there's that show, Love After Lock Up.

I've talked about it before in the show, but women, like, in prison, will find men and just like smuggle in phones coming up on BBC for people and they'll just make they'll scam them out of money.

People who eat too much cheese.

And then I just can't stop doing it.

I wish I could, but

every day I have to keep eating more cheese.

Lawrence is a six-foot-two rat.

Lawrence is a giant rat from England.

Few people know that half, a percentage of the population in England is just mutant giant rats.

I bet that for so random.

That's totally random.

That's totally random.

Is it random enough for you?

It's totally random.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll pitch that to robot chicken.

Yeah, they could have some action figures do a stop motion thing about it.

I like making fun of robot chicken with robot chicken because it's literally, that's just all I've ever done.

Yeah.

That's the kind of of bullshit that I do.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jerry Springer, but he's fucking five million pounds.

Fat Jerry.

Ladies and gentlemen, fat Jerry Springer.

So

you were sleeping with her brother, and her brother was sleeping with

your sister.

I miss Springer.

Is he still on TV?

Jerry Springer.

Yeah.

Oh, I love Jerry.

I used to watch it when I was sick.

When I was home from school, sick.

It meant that I could watch Jerry Springer.

It was the best.

I wish I could earn the respect of black people like Maury Povich has.

I think you're the show, mostly.

I got the demographics information.

Mostly black people.

Mostly black people, yeah.

I think the hood fucks with Adam.

The hood fucks with me, and I got the baddest Chinese bitch on my side.

It's weird that they call it a clitoris hood.

You know, I guess in some cases, it's because it looks like a hood on a sweatshirt.

but in my ex-girlfriend's case, it's because it's been filled with black guys.

I'll try that one out in Byte Town next week.

Yeah, I guess you guys...

I guess we don't have any racists in there.

I guess we don't have any racists here.

I guess we don't have any virulent racists in the crowd tonight.

Does that lady, Lisa Lampinelli, still do the roasts?

They used to always say that she would have a lot of black lovers.

Somebody's been telling me...

That was the joke about her.

Somebody's been telling me there's a dance-dance revolution happening.

Folks, yeah, good luck changing the government with dancing.

You're going to need guns.

You're going to need more

than a couple of dances to get

the...

This is a man whose brain is dying.

These clowns in Congress.

These clowns in Congress.

What are you going to dance at Mitch McConnell?

Yeah.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, they got this game, folks, called Dance, Dance, Revolution.

I get the dance part.

I get the dance part, but the revolution part?

What kind of revolution is happening?

An audience of zero.

A man losing his mind.

Just doing that, that would be a great.

I mean, there has to be at least one homeless guy who's just thinking, who's just doing stand-up for no one.

Just a guy in this subway.

Yeah.

Just observations about life that just are, you know, make absolutely no sense.

A guy who moved here for stand-up who's just literally failed and lost his mind.

How about stand-up momity?

And a woman comes on stage and she's got a big pair of tits and we all drink out of them.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Yeah, that'd be better than regular stand-up comedy.

I think.

That's just like a woman in the 50s.

Yeah.

And she's got a tattoo above each one of her nipples and one says whites only and the other says colors.

That would be racist.

That's just how it was back then.

That's just how it was.

That's just how it was.

White women, they'd have.

She let the brothers drink.

They would have two titties.

She'd let the brothers drink.

They'd have two titties.

And I said, well, which one of them is the colored fountain?

That was my move back in the 50s.

That was your pickup life.

I'd point to, that's,

I point, and I point to a white woman, and I'd say, which one of them's a coming from?

You know, you sound like O.J.

Simpson's childhood friend.

Did you see the documentary?

He's got a friend that's like,

I don't have a TV in my song.

He's one of those guys that'd be like, Juice.

That's when Juice found out his father was gay.

You know that?

What?

That O.J.

walked in on his dad being gay.

With who?

With a guy.

With a guy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, isn't that funny?

That's gay.

And then he kills his wife.

Yeah.

He killed his wife and her lover.

Ron.

Do you think his dad was on top or bottom?

I wonder.

Yeah.

It does make you wonder.

It does make you wonder.

Yeah.

So we got this guy, Jesus Jones.

Now, I get the Jones part.

But Jesus.

But Jesus?

Has he even been to Nazareth?

You know who I think we should have as the next president?

You know those little guys they got outside of the Home Depot?

Because they'll do it for cheap.

That's true.

And with the money we save,

we can explore space together, arm in arm with the rest of the world.

What if they made the president you make like $100 million a year or a term?

You do.

You don't make that much.

Well, I guess you do through like speakers' fees.

Speakers' fees after the fact, but also by manipulating the stock market.

Oh, yeah, you know, playing the picking the ponies in the stock market.

Yeah, I guess you do.

I was just thinking, like, maybe if they paid a lot of money, then

we get a little bit more talent in there than these clowns they got right now.

Kind of like teachers, you know.

That's why all teachers are dumb and they're not.

I'll tell you what, I would love to bust up that fucking teachers' union.

I would love to just get in there, fire all of them, replace them with

guys from the Home Depot park and all that.

Because you know they do it for some people.

No, that's who the Chinese Riddler should call the Littler.

Yeah, that's me, fuck.

It's really funny how little they are.

It is very, they are so little.

Yeah.

And it's funny, too, because in your head, you're like, oh, that's probably because in Guatemala they didn't have fucking milk.

It doesn't make sense.

Every brain makes up some racist reasons.

Stupid shit.

Yeah, it's because they only would have one taco a day in Guatemala.

They couldn't afford tacos.

They didn't have the nutrients.

Meanwhile, I'm a solid at most four inches taller than most of those guys.

And I'm laughing at them as if I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

Yeah, exactly.

They really do make me feel big.

Do they?

No.

You should have hired them to hold your dick.

I should have hired them to.

You want the drywall?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, just come in my car.

Just get in the van.

Just get in the car.

That's Henry Rollins' book addressed to children.

Just get in the van.

Get in the van.

What if...

We should have Henry Rollins on the show.

Yeah, that'd be badass.

He's a vegan.

Yeah.

Me and Henry Rollins are friends.

You are?

Yeah.

Oh, you chill with Rollins.

We don't chill.

We correspond.

Oh, you correspond.

Yeah.

I send them postcards.

And everyone can read it?

Yeah.

That's embarrassing.

Henry, don't tell anyone I'm gay.

I'm gay.

Don't tell anyone.

Some guy at the post office calls you up.

Oh, I heard you gay.

Well, folks, it's about that time.

What are you doing?

You're taking a phone call?

Oh, okay.

Well, folks, it's about that time.

Thank you again for listening to the Adam Friedland Show.

Adam has to go get his girlfriend at the front door.

Perfect timing.

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