Ep. MCM – Lonely Teardrops

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It's the Adam Friedland show.

It's the motherfucking Adam Friedland Show.

Welcome to the show.

You mind taking the game down a tab.

Down a touch.

All right.

Touch it down.

How's that sound?

Why don't you come touch me down real quick?

I'll touch you down.

I'll touch you up, brother.

Stacey, you and your friends, I saw you.

Who's the big girl you're friends with?

She's got titties now, or is she just fat?

Oh, the big girl, Destiny.

You're in sixth grade now, Stacy, so I'm going to tell you something.

Your friends are going to start getting titties, and

you can't bring them around me.

I know I've been a good uncle to you so far, but

if you bring, even the fat ones,

You bring them around to me,

I'm going back to jail.

And I can't, and it's going to be your fault

yeah how you doing my name is Cletus and I recently found out I have borderline personality disorder yeah I'm a messy bitch

my name is Cletus I got bored I love I do art I went to SVA and I got borderline personality disorder

and if you dump me I will kill myself yeah well if you break up with me I'm gonna cut myself and it's gonna be your fault and the police are gonna see the marks and they're gonna come they're gonna send you to jail that's right

yeah they

You're listening to the Southern BPD podcast.

That's a good character, dude.

A redneck with a redneck ardho.

A redneck ard hoe.

There's two things I love in life.

Coors Light and the Red Scare podcast.

Trying to be like Dash and Anna.

I actually don't, I can't tell you a single thing they've ever said on the show.

Just a 55-year-old man stopped eating.

I listened to, I'm 82 pounds now.

I'm 82 pounds.

And when I walk down the street, my knees, they collide, and it sounds like empty coconuts falling down the stairs.

Kind of a hollow clunking noise.

And everyone, everyone,

at least every gay man and every other emaciated woman in a five-mile radius, they hear the noise and they say, listen to how beautiful that woman's knees are.

And I say, surprise, bitch.

I'm a street man.

I'm fucking, I'm the Dallas Buyers Club of BPD Arthos.

Is your friend Matthew McConney showing up to a bar?

I got this via intravenous means, not from gay sounds.

I'm still a fucking cowboy.

I'm still doing the radio, the rodeo.

Like,

brother, you got anorexia.

Fuck you.

I ain't a fag.

I just like hot Brooklyn podcasts.

I'm not a fucking, I ain't a fucking freak.

Yeah.

He's just in the

hospital bed.

You just hear Anna being like, yeah, well, actually, the Uyghurs deserve to be murdered.

Yeah.

Actually, the Uyghurs deserve

the Uyghurs, as a mother, I realize now that the Chinese basically

have a maternal instinct to murder the Uyghurs.

It's more of a sort of a postpartum depression, and that's the way in which they want to murder them.

And then he's listening to it, and then fucking Jared Leto is the Druid Queen.

He's like, Ooh, are you listening to Red Scare?

He's like, Get the fuck out of my room, you fucking queer.

I'm not a fucking fan of gay.

I got

lost weight because I got borderline personality disorder from the rodeo.

A fucking bull kicked me in the head so hard that I cut myself when women break up with me.

I don't have fucking, I'm not fucking gay.

I just like a podcast.

God fucking damn it.

Oh, man.

I love that guy.

And then the next scene, they're just in bed together listening to Red Scare.

Hey,

Dosha and Anne are kind of idiots, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think they know what the fuck they're talking about.

But I still like listening to them, anyways.

They're funny.

They just go there.

So what's your deal?

You got BPD2, and that's why you're anorexic?

No, I have AIDS.

No, I have full-blown AIDS.

Oh, my God.

I got it from being a rent boy on the streets of Dallas.

Honestly, work.

That's kind of like,

that's iconic.

Well, it's retro.

It's iconic retro.

It's kind kind of iconic.

I feel like I'm hanging out with Andy Warhol and his friends.

You're kind of serving.

Yeah, you're serving.

I have to serve.

I used to be disgusted when I met somebody with AIDS, and now I'm like, where did you get that?

Oh, my God.

Where did you get it?

Where did you get those AIDS?

You got to go on Depop now to find AIDS.

Oh, my God.

I don't even know how you get it.

AIDS are expensive.

They're putting prep in the White Claws.

Down here in Texas, they got PrEP in the White Claws.

I don't even know how you would get that.

I'm just trying to have a BPD girl summer.

Yeah, my name's Cletus.

I'm a BPD art hoe.

Shreveport.

I'm a BPD art hoe from Shreveport, and I'm the only fucking one, dude.

You want to talk about a lonely existence?

We don't even have a coffee shop.

There's a Valero.

I hang out next to the coffee.

You have to go to the gas station.

I go to the gas station.

I hang out next to the coffee machine.

And I fucking just side eye people.

That's the liberal bastion of Shreveport.

Yeah, Yeah, I'm like, ooh, nice clothes.

Where'd you get them?

This gas station?

They're like, what's your fucking problem, queer?

It's like for the last time, I'm not queer.

I have borderline personality disorder.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Where are you going?

I'm going to kill myself.

You better not leave this gas station.

I'm going to fucking kill myself.

Oh, I love that.

He's like a roughneck on like an oil tanker.

An offshore oil rig.

Yeah.

That guy rocks.

You they were on the last episode they were saying Kyle Rittenhouse is the ideal male.

I agree with that actually.

So what are we talking about today, guys?

Welcome to the Adam Freelance Show.

Cleaners, thank you for joining us.

Oh actually we have big guests today.

I don't wanna

I don't wanna talk.

What are you doing, dude?

Sorry, I was responding to

a friend about a wiring question I had.

Yeah, so guys, we're at the global corporate HQ right now.

Things are looking good.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Do they think we're fucking with them?

I don't know.

I don't give a fuck.

They don't believe.

They just got a five-minute classic riff.

That was a great riff, dude.

Yeah.

I really try to, you know, let you go run with the ball on that one.

Oh.

You were juking people

in the winter.

You're also sick, too.

You showed up today and got me sick.

Right before I go to Nashville, Tennessee, to perform at Zaney's Comedy Club, where I'll be this Friday and Saturday.

There are still tickets available to every show.

Please come out.

Please

send your friends out.

And, you know, tell people to fucking come or whatever.

That's right.

And then let's get this tour over with.

And then

we can really, we can make movie magic.

Let's start making art.

Yeah, and guys, I did wake up sick this morning and yesterday morning, but I will be all better this Saturday.

I think there are a few tickets left to the Crocodile in Seattle and Mississippi Studios on

Friday at the Crocodile in Seattle, Saturday.

Portland, Oregon, Mississippi Studios, I think there are some tickets available to the late show on that, guys.

Come grab them quick.

You know, it's going to be a fun one when I'm back in New York.

Me and Raylene, we started, we out of a motel room, we started a place where other southern BPD art hosts can listen to our Red Scare Patreon feed.

So we all pool our money together to afford the $5 a month to buy

Anna's child

Russian baby formula.

Yeah, baby formula with nuclear fallout in it.

I'm raising my child on nothing but fish's pussy juice.

Who funded the Institute for BPD Southern Artos?

Was it a certain tech oligarch, perhaps?

Elon Musk?

No, the gay one.

His boyfriend.

What's the Raylen?

The Ray Lean of

Tesla?

Yeah.

Silicon Valley Buyers Club.

Yeah.

What's the other one that they say funds all that stuff for nefarious purposes?

The Greek guy?

No, the gay guy.

Not the Greek guy.

Oh, Peter Thiel.

Peter Thiel, yeah.

Peter Steele, your girl.

Peter Steele, your man.

Dude, he's doing this.

Peter Steele, your man.

Peter Thiel, your man.

Ooh, you better not bring him around, Peter Thiel, your man.

That's what his name is.

He might Thiel your man.

His name's actually Peter Steele.

People don't know that.

It's just gay.

It's just a gay accent.

Oh, man.

I don't don't understand

where that they say that guy is funding all these projects to undermine the left.

I don't really understand that.

You know what I think?

I think the left undermines itself.

I agree.

I heard they had this

absolute clown of a guest on the Chapo Trap House podcast.

Anderson, as you know, I was brought here by Peter Thiel.

He said, I'm trying to take down Donald Trump and I'm going to get Eugene Carroll on the case.

Eugene Carroll here for Werthers Originals.

There's nothing I love more after being raped by the president than sucking on a nice piece of hard candy.

And I've produced this commercial entirely on spec, and I've sent it to the Werthers Original Company in the hopes that they'll give me $32 billion,

which I need, to build a rocket ship.

So I can fly to the moon

and then, I don't know,

and start a a rape colony funded by Peter Thieu girl, Peter Thief

by the thing I said 30 seconds ago.

Yeah, the thing next said 30 seconds ago, yeah,

damn.

I thought this, I thought it was gonna be, I'm gonna actually run out of steam in the next 10 minutes.

That's how the last one went, too.

Come in hot, and then I've been.

No, it's fine, dude.

We have a big guest today.

I've been, oh, oh, yeah, right.

What is his guest?

Oh, yeah, I guess I got to keep some in the tank for that.

Yeah, we'll keep something in the tank for that.

I'm excited, dude.

Now that I got now that I got a local source for all this speed rail, we're doing a lot of dolly shots.

We got a lot of dolly shots coming in.

This place is going to be so fucking sick.

I know we did that on the premium episode.

By the way, folks,

if you're listening to this, you want to support the show, go to patreon.com slash T-A-F-S.

It's only $5 a month, and you get all the additional content.

For $15 a month, you get your name and the credits.

And for $25 a month, you get your name and the credits in an even bigger font as an executive producer

or a regular producer i forget whatever it's a bigger font

yeah and then there's also supplementary stuff you know i put the script on there

producers and associates anybody i had i had a book giveaway which somebody won and i gotta mail that out oh what's his name say it on the pod i forget it was something like indian or something yeah yeah which i'm pretty sure is just uh

it's just a white guy doing a racist character That's rude.

Can you believe that?

I don't know where he came up with that idea.

I think he's trying to copy.

You met like an an Indian guy going to Blockbuster and he picks up Taxi Driver and he's like 30 minutes into it and he's like, what the fuck is this?

Who the fuck is this guy?

What the fuck is he talking about?

That'd be a fun thing to be like an Indian comedian being like, y'all, they got a movie called Taxi Driver.

Guess who they putting it?

A motherfucking white man.

He's there's one part I liked which is he found the baby girl

and he wanted to protect the baby girl.

Yeah, that that I d that that's the best part of Joker is when you find out that he's just stalking this woman.

He's just crazy as an apron.

He imagines he has a.

I love that.

I got to rewatch Joker.

I only saw it in the theaters.

Yeah, that should be a good thing.

Matt Crispin was laughing too loud for me to appreciate.

He was scaring those black women.

Yeah, they were like, what the hell is he on about?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That must have been a weird experience for them.

To see that.

To see that, but then have that guy turn around and you see Matt Christmas.

You have no idea, no context.

matt crispan laughing yeah like max cady

yeah exactly they must have they must have felt like they had gone into the south in the 1950s yeah they were like we made a mistake smoking a big-ass cigar

it would be great if at some point she was like excuse me we're trying to enjoy the joker movie could you please keep it down

people say this movie is based

can you please can you please pipe down for a second

you're always ruining our movies

Rated R.

Rated R for black women.

Rated O-U-R.

Hour.

Yeah, rated our.

Rated for.

Just like a girl's trip, and then the trailer ends, and it's like rated our

for us.

Rated for us.

Rated hour.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah,

so, folks,

I hope I don't have coronavirus.

I don't think I do.

Damn, if you gave me corona, if I got corona again from you.

Shut up, bro.

You can't complain about corona if you don't believe in corona.

Yes, I can.

That doesn't make any sense.

Why?

Well, if you don't believe in God and you're like mad about the Catholic Church pedophiling children.

Yeah, but then you don't think that the Catholic Church actually knows that God exists.

Well, obviously God exists because they keep getting away with it.

That's true.

God's really hooking them up.

God has to be like, I'm out of ways to prove that I'm real.

Let me just let all of my guys violently rape children with zero consequences.

And that has to prove.

There's got to be somebody that's like,

well, okay,

then that proves it.

Prove it.

Yeah.

That really proves it.

Because really, no one else can get away with it.

Yeah, I think that's what Thomas Aquinas was writing about.

Thomas Vaginas.

Thomas Vaginas.

What is in the news, guys?

We're having a slow day here at the office.

I'm not having it.

You've been sleeping.

I've been working.

Yeah, I know.

You got that speed rail.

We're excited about that.

Then we're going to get the lights next.

And then

we're going to get the stage.

Yeah, floor's got to be cleaned and polished, waxed.

Are we going to have a cleaning crew come through?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got them come through this weekend or not?

Yeah, next week before they drop the stage off.

It's sick.

This will all be cleaned.

The floor is spic and span.

My friend wanted to go do

like a pre-light, just rent a bunch of shit and then see how it looks.

And

I think, no, we just go spend the money.

What do you talk about?

We get as many lights as possible.

What's a pre-light?

Where you rent the lights and you bring everything in and you light it to see how it looks.

And then once you know how you, then that's your equipment list, then you go.

That sounds like a responsible way of doing it.

responsible yeah brother my middle name is irresponsible it sounds like you want to get like the stuff that they made irresponsible jones made the batman begins with um you want to light up gotham city well i kind of want to put a bunch of expensive big lights in here

and then you also see the lights and then so people can see that uh

yeah we got lights

for like one second an episode we'll we'll have just some sort of dolly shot or something right Right.

That way, when people are like,

get lights, get real lights, you go, oh, yeah, and then you zoom out, you somehow have that for the one

for the press, for the one guy, yeah, for the one guy.

Looks like I'm gonna be going back to stealing the show,

yeah,

yeah, I'm going back to stealing the show,

yeah,

and uh, guess what?

That guy.

I love those guys.

Yeah.

Those guys are rule.

We should also get a boat in here I think too.

What do you mean?

Like p part of it should be like

on the stage?

No like in the other

section in here we should have like so sometimes we have like a yacht like scenes

with a green screen behind it?

Yeah, but we get the we'll cut a boat in half like a 50 foot boat.

We'll cut a 50 foot boat in half and then

we can do scenes where we have all of our friends And it's like, ladies and gentlemen, we could do the

Jack holding Rose.

But I'm also a businessman.

We also have to have really expensive.

Meeting the Adam Friedland show has been the greatest journey of my life.

Are you doing Christmas?

Christian Bell?

No.

Who are you doing?

I don't even know.

I've done Australian so many times pretending to do British.

Now I can't do them separate.

Yeah.

We better get the show started before we lose.

We lose your powerful skill of impersonation.

What was I going to say?

We have to.

I had something to say.

Fuck, guys.

I'm sorry I'm so slow today.

I really hope I'm not sick, and I really hope I don't have to cancel these shows.

But you should buy tickets because I'm not going to be canceling the shows.

And if I have the coronavirus, I will not be telling Alaska Airlines.

No, what I was like, oh, yeah, what I was going to say is since we're going to have to, the next step is staffing up, right, after we have this all set up.

I think a good idea for us

would be to

hire those Venezuelan migrants in Martha's Vineyard.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, what do you think they're doing there?

They're like, oh, Mr.

Obama.

I want to see Mr.

Obama.

They're like, I just got a full Bineard Bines outfit.

I love the Bineer Bines.

I love Bineard Bines.

Do you know where Barack Bobama lives?

I want to beat Barack Boba and wear my Bimier Bines to Bine Mirror's house.

Bobimir?

I love Barack Bobimir.

I love watching the past game this weekend.

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Suddenly, I've been hit with a wave of nausea, and I'm about to projectile vomit.

Dude,

I think I got you sick.

Come on, you fucking cock.

Because my fucking horror girlfriend got me sick.

I'm getting started, and then what?

Then I go home by myself, and I'm just sick on my fucking couch by myself no she can take care of both of us yeah well she better you won't have to go to fucking nashville dude have you when's the last time you have to go to nashville i have to go to fucking see i don't know

the shows are booked i gotta go do it i gotta go do it and i was sick in irvine i'm like i i just keep what the fuck is going on with our lives and nobody got sick for like two years and then

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I've never been to that.

Dude, it's one of the worst places.

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What's it called?

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Guys, I'm fucking not doing so hot.

Now I'm really hot.

Are you hot as well?

No, I'm feeling better.

I'm going to go work out.

Okay.

Alright, hopefully.

I'm going to work out and then I'm going to go.

Yeah, convince myself I have a crowd roll.

Maybe figure out, maybe go on another

boring date.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been doing a lot of that.

Now now I'm just so bad at it because I do it all the time.

I just take people out to dinner and then I'm like, yeah, that's what you fucking do.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Was that your first question?

Yeah, and then I go, all right, well, it was nice meeting you.

I leave.

I like to ask them if they're wearing a wire.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just don't.

I don't.

It's kind of unfair.

I shouldn't do it.

I think I just do it to try and strike some work-life balance.

Like Bats Your Life is just meeting

women who you don't like.

Yeah, and then I go to dinner and then I

go home and you're pissed.

No, I'm not pissed.

I just leave.

And I'm fine.

I'm like, all right, I did it.

I did it.

I did the thing you're supposed to do.

It feels real real.

I did the thing you're supposed to do.

No, it doesn't feel like an accomplishment.

I just did something other than

other than focus on my gay ass little projects.

Yeah, I got some.

Yeah, I got a couple little gay ass projects.

I got a couple gay ass little projects.

Yeah, you know, I I got a couple of gay ass little projects.

I love projects.

I love activities.

Have you ever had a gay ass project you're working on?

Well,

um,

okay, so what what the fuck?

What the what are we talking about?

Okay, so Donald Tramp, Donald Trump, let's see, Toronto Dump.

Let's see.

One second.

One second.

Oh, okay.

What do you got?

You got something?

Mm-hmm.

One second.

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Okay, so

it looks like we're in the middle of an inflation crisis, right?

We got an inflation crisis, folks.

And the Fed is getting even tougher on inflation.

They're getting even tougher on inflation.

So recently today,

we had the chairman of the Federal

Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Jerome Powell, spoke, and he said that there are no indications of lowering interest rates until the very least 2024.

Looks like we're going to be raising this motherfucker for a while.

So

I thought we'd have an exclusive interview

with Mr.

Oh, well, we only got two microphones, so I guess I'll leave and you can introduce.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

And remember, this is this joke really only works for about 0.2 seconds.

Okay, well it'll be

it's not going to be a joke.

It's going to be

hold on, it's my girlfriend calling.

Oh, okay.

You might wanna you might wanna handle handle your what do people say, handle your bitch?

Control your bitch?

Okay, I'll see you soon I'm recording.

I'm repeating myself.

Okay, bye.

I see it.

Love you.

Okay, I'm back.

Um

so yeah, it's

Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell.

Yeah.

How did you get?

So you said you got Jerome Powell for the show.

How did you do that?

I just looked him up.

He seemed like he was available.

You looked up Jerome Powell.

Yeah.

So maybe

how did you do that?

It was the white pages.

So you looked up Jerome Powell in the white pages, and you called the first one?

And that's who you got?

Yeah,

he said he works at the Fed.

Okay, cool.

Okay.

All right, so everyone, please welcome Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell.

How y'all doing?

What's up, man?

How you doing?

Thanks for joining us.

Yeah, what's up?

So you say you wanted me to, what, you had me come through?

Yeah, we got a podcast.

A podcast.

But look at the podcast.

But if we're trying to make it an intelligent person,

is this Jerome Powell?

And I said, yes.

Yeah, and I said, you are the chairman of the Federal Reserve.

You didn't say that.

What you said was, is this Jerome Powell?

And I said, yes.

I'm one of maybe 9,000 people named Jerome Powell.

There's only one of them that's a white guy.

And that's the chairman of the Federal Reserve.

And I'm one of the other Jerome Powell.

I'm what you would expect when you hear the name

Jerome Powell.

Per the joke that we discussed.

So now that that's set up,

Jerome Powell,

so I'm pretty sure I did ask you if you were chairman of the the Federal Reserve Jerome Powell.

You sent me a picture of your girlfriend and said I could titty fuck her if I can.

No, I didn't say that at all.

Well,

I looked up you and found the picture and decided that that was going to be the exchange.

Okay, so we both made some assumptions.

We made a couple of assumptions.

You know what happens when you assume?

You get to titty fucking officials.

You get to titty fucking Jewish guys go off of him.

It's fucked up.

It is.

So I guess, Jerome, I guess you're the wrong Jerome Powell.

But I can answer these questions.

What do you want to talk about?

Inflation?

So

we got to get inflation behind us, clearly.

And you know what?

We also need to get behind something else: me behind your big titty girlfriend.

Mo.

And then sexually.

Listen, maybe I can inflate my penis.

Sir, this is a serious show.

This is a serious show, okay?

Okay, go ahead.

So continue, ma'am.

Sorry, I'm eating.

I apologize, John.

Okay, so

we got to find a painless way to do it.

But it doesn't seem like there is a painless way to do it.

Poppers.

Pop.

Oh, sorry.

What were you talking about?

To lower inflation.

Oh, okay.

So you told a press conference in Washington on Wednesday after the officials lifted the target for the benchmark Federal funds rate range from 3 to 3.25 percent.

Let me tell you something, man.

Y'all need to stop talking about the Federal Reserve and start talking about the Federal Deserve.

What do you deserve?

And if the answer is nothing except what you're putting in,

so you're complaining about, oh,

we made the insurance rates bad?

Well, what about your ass?

What did you do?

That's right.

What did you do today?

Right.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Yeah.

You don't even pick up the phone when your son calls.

No, I don't have a son.

And you're mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

This is me at the press conference.

So you're mad about, hold on, inflation?

What have you done?

They got another guy named Jerome.

I only got five minutes.

I'm teaching chess to retards at the park.

Oh, yeah, you play chess really fast.

I play chess fast.

I've never learned how to play the game, but I go so fast.

You go so fast, people think you're really good at it.

So

the SP 500 SOC Index ended near session lows.

The Salt and Pepper 500?

No, it's the

standard and

what's that?

Standard and poor.

Salt and Pepper.

Salt and Pepper.

Yeah.

So why does that

famous RB group salt and pepper?

But why is it 500?

Because that's how long the racetrack is.

Oh,

it's like 500 laps.

Okay.

So

no, I mean,

so

the

so um

so the uh

so there was this guy, Paul Volcker, right?

Yeah, look how big their heads are.

Solomon Pepper?

Damn, they do have really big heads.

They do, they're like DK mode.

Because their heads are so big, guys.

Before you get fucking mad at me.

Before you get mad at me and say, that's not a very centered left thing to say.

What's DK mode?

Uh like Donkey Kong mode.

Oh, you can't say that, dude.

But DK mode in fucking Golden Eye, dude.

Oh.

Shit, Donkey Kong mode.

Shoo shove that whoop.

Shoova Dawb.

Shoova Daw.

So

apparently

Derek Tang,

who's an economist at LH Meyer in Washington, said this is Powell's last roll of the dice.

Right?

He's going all in.

And the higher unemployment forecasts are a fair warning they will inflict pain.

They should just raise the rate to 15% now.

Federal funds rate 15%.

Credit, just tank the fucking economy.

Once all the poor people, their retirements are wrecked and everything, and fucking then we can come in and the people whose job it is to make money, we can come in and clean up.

Yeah.

You know?

What people?

The you know, the people.

The people whose job is.

The people who actually...

The people who actually like the economy.

Yeah.

The people who do the economy.

Why is it that when the economy gets bad, suddenly all of these Johnny come lately's that have no positions, that aren't playing the game, that haven't been been the ones driving up prices to begin with.

Monday morning quarterbacks.

Oh, I can't afford groceries.

Yeah.

Motherfucker, then shut up.

That's right.

Your job is to eat the slop that's produced by me and my friends from Suit Supply.

The guys I met at Suit Supply.

We go to the cigar lounge and we laugh.

We laugh about these

peasants that don't understand positions.

You're a creative elite, right?

Yeah.

And they're just some Johnny come lately.

Johnny come too early.

So Johnny Come Quickly.

Johnny Come Quickly.

Puffy Before Puffy, the genius of Herbie Love Bug Azure.

Sometimes I worry that

this show has to be terrible because we'll just laugh at...

I'm just reading a headline.

How is that a real headline?

Puffy Before Puffy, the genius of Herbie Azure.

What was the headline you saw about?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I was looking at the...

The Chinese mice?

Alex sent that video of the fucking mice fight or the rats fighting in the snow.

Oh, those look like cute little mice.

They're like baby rats, I think.

Are they?

I think they're baby rats.

They're so cute.

Because they're dark.

Yeah, but it syncs up perfectly with this kung fu movie.

How many other mice are there in that soup?

I think the other ones are all dead.

And that's why, look how long the tails are.

That's why I think they're rats.

They let them die?

They put them in the soup alive?

I think so.

I think they just eat them like that.

And here's the thing.

You know what's funny about this?

Looking at this, the soup looks disgusting even

with not even the addition of the rats.

What's going on in the Chinese mind that you're eating that?

And you're like, this is missing something.

Oh, I know.

Live rats

baby rats live baby rats is what the that's the missing ingredient in this fucking thing but yeah looking it up and what's the hell the sun article the disgusting moment captured in which chinese man dips right it's like first of all how did the news even get that video you know that's like some chinese home movie like imagine like we live in the country let me we live in the emergent super superpower but for years our culture has been neglected and it's like your girlfriend just takes a video of you like fucking having chicken nuggets.

And then the biggest tabloid in China is like disgusting moment hideous Jewish man enjoys processed chicken snack.

Watch as this fucking pig

eats disgusting food.

Disgusting moment.

And then you're like, wait a minute, I'm on the fucking news in China?

All right, we got another writer's packet, Nick.

Uh-oh.

We also have another ad read.

Oh, shit, let's do that, and then we're going to go through Phil's writing packet.

Your friend, Phil?

No, Phil Smitten.

Phil Smitten?

I don't think it's real name.

But these are really good jokes.

What's the read?

Oh, I saw.

I thought you were about to say something.

Let's see here.

Diet smoke.

Diet smoke.

What if it was that?

What if it was Japanese Parliament?

Diet Smoke.

Why is it called that?

Is it?

Yeah, isn't it?

The Diet isn't it?

They're called that?

I don't know.

All right, folks.

Diet Smoke has Delta H,

Delta H and Delta 9 THC.

Gummies,

CBDs, vapes, drinks.

They got it all.

And guess what, guys?

It's gonna fuck you up.

National Diet, Kokai, is Japanese, Japan's bicameral parliament.

It's composed of a lower house called the House of Representatives and an upper house, the House of Councillors, Shujin and Sanjin.

And elected under parallel voting systems.

Damn, I want to go back to Japan.

Just bowing at people constantly.

You were just calling people gay.

No, I wasn't.

Yeah, you were being like, you're fuck you.

I didn't do that.

Yeah, you were.

I didn't do that.

Don't besmirch me.

You're touching people.

I refuse to be besmirched.

Yeah, how you doing?

My name is Besmirch.

My name is Besmirch.

Y'all sell bes merchandise?

How about besmerchandise?

And it's shirts that are like, yeah, your wife's a dumb bitch.

How dare you?

Yeah.

How dare you, besmirch?

How do you besmirch my fat bespitch?

Bespitch.

My b wife

anyway guys most people are familiar with delta 9 tc

and

cbd products but these days other cannabinoids are seeing more fame and curiosity delta 8 thc is one of these cannabinoids in the top list of faqs everyone's did you step in dog shit or something or did i i keep getting whiffs of like dog shit

me maybe it's me maybe i shit myself did you actually I have something in my.

Yeah, you got dog shit all over your shit.

No, it's not.

Anyways, what are we talking about?

Diet dog shit, is it?

Diet dog shit.

Yeah, so basically, people have been smoking dog shit for years.

The Chinese guy that's like, hey, did you hear they got diet dog shit now?

Excuse me, do you have any low-calorie mice?

I'm trying to watch my figure.

I was wondering if you got any diet rats.

yeah

yeah I'm just gonna get a small

some Chinese guy riding up on a fixie and he's like looking at a menu at a place he's like yeah I'm a ratitarian so I can only eat vegetables and rats

I'm a misotarian

yeah I ride a fixie basically I listen to Red Scare and I eat

borderline personality disorder disorder I got borderline personality disorder and you're saying don't you need a personality before you can have borderline personality disorder?

That's a joke.

It's weird.

All these Brooklyn women have borderline personality disorder,

which you would think someone would need a personality first before they could even get it.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, take that, you fuck.

Take that, you fucking dumb sluts.

Take that.

If you're living off the fucking J-train.

Oh, my God.

If you're living off the J-train,

that's got to be a sad character.

It's like the woman who's the girl version of us you know like a girl that's like now just in her mid-30s that's still living in bushwick and is like do i just keep fucking people i guess do i just yeah what is she gonna do

do i just what is she gonna do do i just keep i've i can't get any more tattoos well the only way i can get more tattoos is if i get fatter so i have more skin the tattoo so i'll get fatter and i guess i keep fucking people and then

and then i guess

yeah if i threaten to kill myself if people break up with me they're just gonna be like all right well, maybe you should.

Yeah, maybe actually that would be a good idea for you.

But what are they going to do?

And I guess the girl version of this is only fans.

I mean, the male version of this is also pretty bad, but we're rich now.

Yeah, I'm saying if she wants to make money and maybe try to.

Can you imagine

if I was doing shit like this, still trying to get stuff off the ground?

A lot of people are.

I know.

A lot of people are.

I don't know how.

I mean, I don't have any self-respect as it is, but

if I was like, yeah, I'm doing a show called That.

Imagine trying to explain trying to do the Adam Friedland show

to people.

Like, would you have the...

I would feel like I would have maintained it even now, even though the show is, you know, people listen to it.

When people are like, what are you up to?

I'm like, I don't know, man.

I don't know.

We're building a studio.

Yeah, it's fucking.

I would just say we're building a studio.

Yeah.

That's the only way.

And people don't even know what that means, but they're like, oh, okay, that sounds sucking.

Yeah.

I feel like the only kind of guy I respect now is a guy that's like, yeah, I don't have a job.

I'm not looking for one.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do nothing.

Yeah, I don't want to.

What do you do?

Nothing.

I fucking live off the state.

I do absolutely nothing.

I sort of wander around.

Walk.

I walk.

Yeah.

The only people I really respect now are just drunks and drug addicts who aspire to do nothing.

Like, if you, I've come full circle now.

If you're a guy that just you go see the Marvel movies, but you're not really even into them, you just don't know what the fuck else to do, it's just the thing to do.

The only news you know about is like the like seasonal menu items at fast food restaurants.

Like, if you were one of the guys that knew a Wegmans was coming to Navy Point, yeah, yeah, people were hyped on that, and that's the only news you have in your head.

Oh, I heard they're good, Wegmans, mad respect, diet smoke, brought

the Japanese government.

Is Delta 8 a synthetic cannabinoid?

No,

Delta 8 THC is a natural cannabinoid, but it is usually produced from other cannabinoids by humans rather than directly extracted.

So basically, here's the thing, guys.

You have Delta 8, you have Delta 9.

They're basically the same shit.

You get high from it.

They have both these things at dietsmoke.com.

You can order them depending on where you live.

You can go to their fucking website.

They got great products.

This shit tastes good too.

It smokes good too.

Actually, I don't know if it smokes.

No, no, they have vapes.

You can smoke the vapes.

You could drink the drinks.

And you could eat their damn gummies.

And they got some great flavors, folks.

Cherry lime, strawberry, mango,

some blue shit.

Blue raspberry, watermelon.

All the fucking colada flavors that the heart desires.

Yeah.

Folks, this shit is good.

You don't need a prescription.

It's 100%

legal, I think.

Made from American grown hemp plants, third-party lab tested for potency and safety.

You get 30 gummies per jar, 10 milligrams each.

Guys, it's going to be fucking good.

So if you go to their website and you click shop now, you're putting promo code ComeTown or Come Town 20.

You can get all that fucking shit.

It's It's legal THC.

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It's non-prescription.

It's hemp-derived.

What the fuck else are you going to do with your life?

What the fuck could you possibly else?

Just go, listen, guys.

What are you going to do with your fucking life?

What are you going to do?

You're just going to watch a fucking Fantastic Beast and

you're going to eat one of these.

Fantastic Beasts.

What do you think that movie's about?

It's about some of those bitches down in Nashville, Tennessee.

He's the DJ at that wedding.

What the hell is this?

The Fantastic Beast?

It's a Fantastic Beast, and where to find him, I guess, at this wedding.

Yeah, that's where...

You guys see that movie?

You see that movie, Fantastic Beast?

You guys, why am I getting booed?

Anyways, here's Maroon 5.

Dude, you're going to see some fantastic beasts.

More like, looking at the bride, I'd say more like Moonfaced 5

out of ten dude you you gotta see them you gotta see these absolute

they got this those things too like dietsmonk.com promo code come town or come town 20.

check them out either one of them they got those things where it's like a like a mural on a wall of like wings like big wings and then you'll just see a line of like 40 women just you know, with like bachelorette party sashes, just drunk at 10 a.m., lined up to take a picture in front of the mural with big wings.

Yeah.

So they can get a picture of them in front of some fucking shitty wall.

Yeah.

It's pretty good, dude.

You should get some Westernwear stuff while you're down there.

And there was a good...

Oh, there's the best bar.

The best bar.

I think maybe one of my favorite bars, besides

Club Deuce in Miami.

Hard Rock Cafe.

The Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville, Tennessee.

No.

They have this bar, this like fucking, what's it called?

It's like a Christmas themed, it's like a double wide trailer.

It's this old redneck who's got a long ass white beard.

And he's like, people, I guess people call him Santa.

It's a Christmas-themed bar in

Austin, also.

La Laws.

I think it's just, it's not, it's barely even Christmas-themed.

That's how it's.

But it's like karaoke.

Yeah, it's like there's karaoke going on.

It's great.

That place is fucking great.

I went there with Mike Racine

and some of the some of the local national comics and it was fun i'm gonna be in nashville actually this year 2023 for what that's not this year to be at zany's next year i guess are you doing zany's yeah

brainies brainies get some hay go get some hay

um

you know people are sending me pictures of this uh 21 year old drunk driver Yeah, that's what that's what La Laz looks like.

Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Do you want to go see these fucking?

Did this guy look like you?

This guy that got pulled over?

Oh, I don't know.

That looks like you, no?

It doesn't look like me.

There's a 21-year-old Florida man.

Fuck off, mate.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Doesn't look like me.

It doesn't look like me.

It doesn't look like me.

Well, I want, you know, I want to be as like a mentally disabled, you know.

Like a guy, you know, he's like a,

you know, they have like a like a like an invalid, a a simpleton that they make fun of on British television.

That's what, that's a career I want.

Yeah.

It's to be a guy.

They bring him on.

They're like, oh, Eric, tell us again, you're saying you went to the shoe store

and you were surprised, you had thought,

you thought you could buy one shoe.

Yeah.

And I'll tell my story.

I said, the price of the shoe, is that for one of them or both of them?

And they tell me it's for both of them.

And so I hand them half the money.

And then they say, What's this for?

And it says, Because I only want to pay for one of the shoes.

And I'll take it, and they say, You have to buy them as a pair.

And I say, Well, I'll come back later.

I'll wear the one shoe now.

Okay, maybe a different scenario, a different scenario for an idiot to be in.

Yeah.

Let me think.

Why don't you prompt me?

And I can be like a bit like a

you're saying these are scenarios for a british a british simpleton

on the show when once we get there we go who's this oh what the fuck are you doing here no don't talk to her that way hi

how's work

i'm doing my podcast he's just dropping in have you seen this yet have you seen what it looks like in here come look at it

and sit and be quiet we'll be done in ten minutes yeah did you go shopping for me for my cold

thanks

thank you.

What did you get him?

You got him cold medicine that comes in a gift bag?

Throat coat?

Throat coat.

The tea.

Throat coat tea.

Don't make jokes on the internet.

Nobody buys shit for me.

I guess it's because I'm an unlikable kind of a piece of shit.

She'll give you some.

I don't want any fucking pity throat coat.

What is that?

Drops?

Echinacea?

Yeah.

Wow, thank you.

That shit was good.

I was putting echinacea in my eyeball when I couldn't get antibiotics.

And I think it

I think that's what actually permanently damaged my vision.

Just go to the office.

We'll be done in a minute.

Yeah.

All right, so we're talking about British Simpleton.

Yeah.

All right, let's let's.

I went to a rental car place and I said, well,

what's the rate for they said, you know, the car costs £117.

They call it, say, 85 quid a day.

Okay.

And I got my pencil out, my calculator, and I said, and uh, and what's it cost at night?

Everyone laughed at me in the place.

So you're being like a Carl Pilkington?

Is that what you're trying to do?

Yeah, I guess.

It's kicked.

Well, now

I'm feisty.

My addiction.

Now you're pissed his addiction to.

I got my pencil and my calculator, and I said, What's it cost at night?

You know.

Yeah, what um

okay, I know I'm I'm trying to think um

you went to the

you went to the bank right

and you wanted to open up an account yeah oh no I went to I went I was on a plane and I was sort of chatting up the guy the guy next to me that made his you know he put the seatbelts on

and he said you know what the hell are these for a seatbelt on an airplane and I said you know in case the airplane gets into a car

accident

and he said well

then you'd be dead you know know, the plane, you mean if the plane crashed?

And I said,

Yeah, but not if it gets into a car accident because some of the time the plane is driving.

And what if a car drops?

Then you're gonna knock the seatbelt.

Yeah, it's true.

And he said, Oh, you're one of those British

idiotic British guys.

I said, I went to a store, I wanted to buy a chair.

And they had this chair, they said, This one's a lazy boy.

And I said, Why is it called that?

And they said, Because it reclines or whatever.

I said, Wouldn't that be a better name for the wheelchairs?

The lazy boy.

And they said, No, because those people, they can't walk, they're making a choice not to.

And I said, Oh, I've offended again, haven't I?

I've done something offensive.

And now you're gonna now the fucking

the political correctness.

It's a bit weird, you gotta mix your own paint when you get it home from the store.

Yeah, why?

Yeah.

They mix it at the store, but you've got to mix it again.

Yeah, why?

I don't know how they can't figure out how to make the paint mix, but you can go to the groceries.

You can go to the what do they call it there?

The grocery.

Yeah.

You can go to the pineapple ninny down on the corner, and they'll sell you, they got peanut butter and jelly in the same can now.

So I said, fuck it, I'll just, I painted my house some peanut butter and jelly.

It's like a jackhandy.

I don't know.

I'm trying to think of dumb ones.

That's good.

Yeah.

Let's just, let's keep going with this.

I like the one about a car.

Getting in a car accident on the plane.

You ever notice how some of the plugs got two of the R's and some of them got three?

Three.

Yeah.

And I said, what is that for?

And they said, it's for ground.

And I said, but it's all the way up on a wall.

And they're like, like, it's a different kind of ground.

Yeah, a different kind of ground.

And I was like, what do you mean?

And it's a ground for the electricity.

And I was like, what do you mean, the ground for the electricity?

And then they tried to explain it to me, and I got a nosebleed and I had to stop listening to them.

It's where we use stuff all the time and we don't know how it works.

You know, like the alarm clock.

How does it know to go off at 6 a.m.?

Yeah.

Because it was a clue.

It's a clock.

Yeah, but how is it?

I guess, yeah.

Have you programmed it?

I guess, yeah, that's how I would know.

But how does the alarm part know it's 6am?

You say you said it then?

But the clock is the clock does the clock.

The clock tells the time.

They're working together, but the alarm is the bells on the top.

Yeah, it tells you the turns.

How do the bells ringle?

The bells.

But what about the bells?

What about the bells?

Why is there two of the bells?

It's because they want to look like ears.

No, because the bells, if they're knocking together, I figured they could save a lot of money if it was only one bell.

That's true.

I went to the store and I said.

But then you'd be like you're getting woken up at a hotel desk.

I'll pay for it, but I'm not.

I mean,

I'll take this, but I'm not paying for the extra bell.

They're trying to charge you more.

They throw another bell on there.

Yeah, why do they have that?

They have the thing at the hotel.

At the hotel desk, the one bell.

What the hell is that guy doing in the back?

Yeah, I know.

What the bloody hell is he doing in the back there?

It's annoying.

Well, every other job, you've got to be at the counter.

But if a hotel, you're allowed to fuck off.

Yeah, fuck off.

You're allowed to fuck off to the back.

Yeah.

And then some guy with the world's most pussy bell in the world.

I went ding, ding, ding, ding.

I went, you know what I did?

I went to the hotel.

I pulled up.

I brought all my luggage in.

The guy wasn't there.

I saw the bell.

I got offended.

I left a note.

I got my notepad out that I do math on when I get into arguments.

And

I wrote, I'll tell you what, mate, I'm going to go to my car.

Why don't you ring the bell when you're ready for me?

And I left a note there.

Ended up sleeping in my car in the parking lot for three and a half days.

Saved myself three nights of hotel stay.

He never rang the bell.

Probably a thousand quid.

I said about 15,000 quid.

I don't think it would be that much for three nights.

48,5 million quid.

And I went on a vacation.

I went on holiday with it.

What do you do?

What do you do for me?

I went to Puerto Rico.

I saw other places where they filmed Fast and the Furious.

I saw the beginning.

I went to La Perla,

whatever the bad neighborhood is called.

And they said,

you know, you can't.

I think La Perla's women's underwear.

Yeah, whatever the fuck it's called.

I went down there.

I went to the bad neighborhood.

And I took pictures.

I was taking pictures for the camera.

And some guy came up and he said, you know, you're not allowed to take pictures here.

They'll pull a gun on you.

They'll kill you if you take pictures and I showed him the camera roll and it was all uh

you know it's a it's a pretend camera for mongoloids

it's for babies

and it doesn't even have server

it's not yeah it's made out it's filled with candy yeah yeah it was a Fisher Price

I wish I could do at least one of these actually funny no I think the car accident with the plane was good what's other things like a British idiot would say

I was on the plane.

I was on the plane and they told me, I need to put my seat back forward.

I say, How's it supposed to go back

and

forward at the same time?

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, yeah.

They tell you to put your seatbelt on and uh

you know some sometimes I don't do it.

And they just

they kind of just drop it.

They don't really give you a hard time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You get pissed when they tell you to.

Yeah, it annoys me too, but I do it.

But I kind of like being securely in the chair.

But that's only'cause I'm a conformist.

They say put your phone on airplane mode.

And it's like, what the hell is that?

They say it turns off all the radios.

I said, I don't even know my phone had a radio.

This whole time I could have been listening to

Mickey and the Mill, yeah?

This whole time I could have been listening to the afternoon drive, Mickey and a Min.

The 95, right?

What's it?

98, right?

This whole time.

You're telling me.

This whole time I could have been listening to sports junkies.

I could have been listening to Mike and the mad dog.

Yeah, I said, my phone, it's not a radio, it's a phone.

I said, Even if it was a radio, how would a radio?

Idiot.

Idiot.

It's a phone.

It's not a radio.

How would the radio even know what time the alarm was?

Exactly.

That's a good question.

How would the radio even know?

What's uh

you know how you notice that you see the drawings of sperm

but when you it comes out it doesn't look like that at all.

Yeah, it's like liquid.

Yeah.

It's like, you know, drawing a hot.

Imagine going to the doctor.

Mine doesn't look like this.

I went to the doctor.

I went to NH.

NHS.

I said.

Mine came out as a liquid.

It's not a little tadpole fella.

I thought I was going to have all these tadpole fellas.

I thought the tadpole fellas would come out, but I wasn't.

But it's just like a liquid in it.

It's a liquid.

It's not fair.

Everyone was not mad at me at Easter this year because I found all the eggs.

And they said that's for the children.

And I said, well,

obviously it's not because I did it.

Yeah, sort of.

If it was just for the children, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

Yeah, it's true.

How would I b would be able to?

There's certain things that are just for children, like going to a tiny door at a play place at McDonald's.

I can't fit in there.

I can't do that.

I can go find eggs any fucking time.

I stayed, I was up ticking the night before, so I would have hit all of them.

Now, children wake up 10, 11 a.m.

They're crying.

My mouth is covered in chocolate.

I love this guy.

Guys,

everybody's mad about inflation.

I said, what's that?

And they said, everything's getting more expensive.

Like a balloon.

And they said, the price has got to come down.

And I said, well, it's just basic.

They say this

it's just supply and demand.

The supply is low and the demand's high, but they forget that that's all.

There's a third thing, stealing.

If something becomes too expensive, then you say, fuck it, I'm not paying for this, and you steal it.

It's not, you worry about the companies, and it's on us to start nicking things here and there.

Then you got to start nicking.

I've been stealing medicine.

What do you steal?

I was on the lorry, the train.

Yeah, yeah.

Truck.

I was on the lorry.

Really, it's a truck.

Whatever the fuck we call the train.

There's an elderly woman next to her.

Next to me, I went to a person.

I nicked the medicine.

And now I've been taking it.

I've never felt better.

You feel good?

I've never felt better.

I think they should give.

Why do you have to wait until you're an old lady to start taking the old lady?

That's a good question.

You start taking it now for free.

Yeah.

And you're fixing the economy while you're doing it.

That's a good idea.

Because it drives down prices of the medicine.

They start nicking.

The old bird, she's got to go back to the pharmacy and say, mongoloids nicked me again.

Nick me medicine.

Then I wanted these mongoloids off the lorry nicked me medicine.

Yeah, yeah.

They do do the lorry drugs.

She said, I'm buying it again, but this time I'm paying half because he got nicked.

And that's how the prices go down.

That's how they go down.

You say, I'm not paying for bill.

I'm only paying for one of the shoes.

Yeah.

And I'm nicking all the medicine off the old burst and driving the prices down.

I'm not waiting on the queen to do it.

I think that you're that the supply is getting smaller if you do that.

Because then there's less medicine for people to buy.

Fuck off.

And I think also medicine is free.

That's true, it is free.

In the UK.

But it's gonna here's the thing.

This is how the economy works.

You keep stealing it, eventually they're gonna pay you to take the medicine because it'll drive the prices down so far that people will say, why even get the free medicine anymore?

It's just gonna get nicked by a lorry monger like

Jerome Powell, real

and they say, oh, Jerome.

They say, Jerome.

How'd you come up with that?

Are you up to your bollocks again?

You up to your nonsense?

It's stealing medicine off the old birds.

That's my plan for fixing the old birds.

I'm telling you, it's made me smarter.

The medicine.

One of these days I'll be able to read a bottle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you don't know actually what kind of medicine it is?

No idea.

But it's all the same.

It's all the same.

All medicine is, you know, they try different things and something works.

And then you say, all right, fuck it.

We'll give it a fancy name and pretend like we came up with it.

Yeah, yeah.

As if it isn't some just fucking fuck off mixing up chemicals.

Yeah, yeah.

Who are you?

Let's try this.

Half the medicine we have came from the Holocaust.

And we're not going to get any new medicine until they do another one.

They had a lot of trials.

A lot of trials.

A lot of errors, too.

Yeah.

A couple errors.

That's why they had to do all this coronavirus.

That's why they did it for trials.

For trials, yeah.

Yeah.

It's weird that they call them medical trials, right?

And it's like, okay, well, let me ask you this then.

Who's going to jail?

Right.

If it's a trial, who's going to jail?

Because it's not going to be me, mate.

It's not going to be me.

I'll tell you right now.

Just the smugness.

The smugness of the check-in maid point that he's just made.

Who's going to jail.

It's not going to be me, mate.

I'm not going back to jail.

I'm not doing it.

Not for far.

All right.

Thanks, folks.

Patreon.com slash TAFS.

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