Ep. XXX – Just A Little Chat

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It's the Adam Friedland Show.

Hello and welcome.

And I'm your executive producer.

And we're doing this one since we're already editing video,

I figured, fuck it, why don't I start editing the audio also?

So

I'll just do the whole intro thing later.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll add it.

That's true.

It'll be the first time I've ever touched one of these audio files.

With With the exception of when I've gotten, I've like said your whole social security number.

An address, yeah.

Yeah.

Actually, you know,

I know all his information.

Really?

I'm a producer.

You know all his social security number?

I don't even know my social security number.

Well, you know, I paid these guys for years, so I've made oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, you have to do it.

You guys know my EIN and my social security number.

Yeah, E-I-N, Social Security number, blood type.

Yeah.

I don't know my blood type.

What's EIN?

I have his whole genome mask.

It's for your business.

I got his 23andMe.

Yeah, what did it come back as?

Yeah.

It actually turns out I'm Blazian.

I found it.

100% girl-ish.

Yeah.

It was fine.

I remember seeing an ad for 23andMe at one time.

They got like the most mixed-race person they could possibly find.

It was like

one of those light-skinned freckles.

A dark-skinned Chinese person.

Basically, it could be.

Looking at it, I mean, it looked like one of the new Muppets.

You know, the ones where they got wild colors.

Yeah, yeah.

Like they're neon and shit.

It's like Elmo's cousin with HIV.

Yeah.

And so what was the ad?

It was just a picture of it.

It was like 26% Norwegian and fucking...

Which is funny because 23andMe, that's just for white people.

It's only white people to find out how white they are.

Exactly.

Yeah.

There's a whole genre of YouTube videos of white people finding out they're just white and then crying and making a video

because they're upset that it's like, yeah, you're just some French fucking.

I prefer that than the people I know who found out they're like a 16th percent crow Native American and then like move to a yurt because of it, you know what I mean?

And like adopt that as their

personality.

Do people do that?

Yeah, I know people who are like, I knew it.

I could feel it.

I don't like Liz Warren.

You know, I was never like a Liz Warren stan.

That's huge.

Not for her politics, it's just she's like, like, just she's clearly like in a relationship with her dog,

which that's fine if white women want to do that, but I don't think it should be like normalized.

You know,

it's weird.

Well, it's weird to like show kids that, you know, like I don't know.

I don't want my kids seeing that.

I don't have a problem with it, but like

the children don't need to be groomed into dog fucking by people like Elizabeth Warren.

Yeah, I don't think it's wrong.

And

yeah, when she got shit during the campaign for being like,

I'm a red man myself.

I've spent, my uncle used to come by with a peace pipe, and we'd blow clouds all over the teepee, you know.

but the thing is is like if you've and I've made this point I feel like on the show on a different show not this not the Adam Friedland show but like you're oh you're from upstate New York is there like there's there's like it's not like were you about to say I'm from Vermont no I thought you were just from the Midwest because it's like the the the upstate New York is like the midwest basically kind of western New York Western New York is the midwest buffalo is midwest you get out there and they have the accent

oh we're going to a bar we're going to a bar later yeah it's like just stop speaking it's weird because the women have flat.

It's like they talk like this where everything's real flat, but then the men have like rolling oars where it rolls over like this.

Dude, after a weekend in Buffalo, I was like, I wish I was deaf.

Buffalo is fucked up.

It's a fucked up place.

I still hear it.

It's a really offensive accent.

It's just not.

There's no diction.

They're not saying anything.

And

it's just like they're going like,

and you're supposed to be listening to it.

Someone there told me they're like, yeah, apparently it's one of the clearest, easiest accents to understand.

You know, and it's like that's that's what you have to say good about Buffalo.

It's like, we talk okay,

we don't have any fucking jobs, but we talk okay.

How come as soon as you cross over into Canada, it's just immediately gone?

That accent's gone, healthcare.

Oh, those are the people they can all go to a speech pathologist for free as a five-year-old, whereas everybody in Buffalo, they just there's one there was one retarded guy who became mayor a hundred years ago and he ruined it for all of us.

I think they also have nuclear fallout, too.

From what?

The GE fed the General Mills

fucking planted.

They all got Lucky Charms poisoning.

Yeah.

They have FAS from fucking marshmallows.

Yeah, it's a sad place.

I lived there for three months and I was blacked out the entire time.

100% of the time.

And I would like become lucid for a second and be like, absolutely not.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

it's like spiritually just winter there.

It is, yeah, totally.

Like the post-holiday winter.

People were like

February 2nd as every day in fucking Buffalo.

Yeah.

They had snow that was like eight feet tall and there was this press conference and they were like, Do you want to?

They were taking questions, and the mayor was being like, Nobody go outside, people are dying, people are dying, and then somebody was like, I have a question, and he was like, Is the bills game gonna happen?

And the mayor was like, Yes, you fucking retard.

Obviously,

yeah, what are we gonna do?

Cancel the Bills game?

What are you?

A fucking retired.

I will say, funniest women ever come out of there.

Yeah, really?

Yeah, because they're haggard, they're fat, and they're covered in thick makeup, and they're like nasty

they all look like they all look like a november pumpkin yeah yeah and they have like yeah they have like torn up knees from just like blowing dude just being like i'll fucking blow this guy i don't give a damn did you see right on right on astro turf yeah i probably mentioned it before but there was a craigsless misconnection from a buffalo bills game once where it was like you sat next to me and my boyfriend at the game and then when my boyfriend went to the bathroom you took my hand and I gave you a hand job,

and I never got a lookout at you.

But if you see this, like, I was the woman who jacked you off at the Bills game.

Yeah, that rules.

That's what Buffalo girls are like.

It's great.

I took care of a girl who was paralyzed in Buffalo, and she would get drunk.

I would strap a whiskey thing to her neck, and so she could suck the alcohol out of me.

She would get fucked up.

And she had to, like, I had to control her chair, and I was wasted.

And I had to do it.

She drunk drove herself into that chair?

She no, that's the crazy thing.

No, it was just like a cyst that cut off her circular or whatever, her whatever that's called.

That's cool to know that that can happen.

That's cool that that can't be.

I'm glad I was.

I'm glad I know.

I just convinced Nick he has that.

Oh, great.

Yeah, I can feel it already.

Whatever, Nick, we did a tour of Equinox.

We did.

We're doing okay.

I was having like health anxiety this morning.

I was convinced, somebody said that I had a brain tumor because I was dizzy from, because I switched to veganism, so I still don't know.

I'm like, my blood, my vitamins are probably all fucked up.

Why did you switch?

Because of that movie?

Yeah.

Ethical reasons, I guess.

Environmental reasons.

No, not environmental, just like factory farming and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's when I don't eat meat, and it's because of that, which feels gay, but it is.

Yeah.

I don't care if they factory farm a chicken.

Uh-huh.

A chicken, I don't care.

A chicken's not a guy.

A cow is a guy.

A cow is a whole guy.

A cow's a dude.

It's because of watching Instagram videos of them getting brushed.

A cow is is someone.

Basically, every fucking dairy farm in the United States, it's like, you know,

like a cow being born.

And they're like, oh, what is going on?

I was just driving my car, but now a truck cut me off.

And now here I am.

What is going on?

I like the beginning of the sentence.

I'll watch it.

I just realized that autistic people have the end of the sentence where they go, like, they'll be like,

what is going on?

They do that.

They do that.

Yeah, we're going to go get some lunch.

Yeah, they do stop up.

That's who invented stop up.

Stop up.

I thought it was Jewish women.

No, I think it was children.

Children.

Stop up.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I would hear that a lot as

a child that lived to annoy other people.

Yeah.

A lot of my child.

And then being like,

what?

I wasn't doing anything.

Yeah.

Don't.

No, the autistic one is like this little moan at the end.

It's like, uh,

it's gross.

Yeah, it sounds like part of a nine-inch nails song.

Yeah.

Nasty.

So what was I saying?

Oh, yeah, Liz Warren.

Liz Warren gets.

No, I'm fine.

It's a lot of years older.

Once you're in your 30s, it's like, you know, if you don't drink enough water, you'll collapse in the middle of the day.

I had like a meltdown at the cellar because Kyle Dunnegan.

do you know Kyle Dunnegan?

Yeah, I like him.

I'm a huge fan of him.

Yeah, and he, like, I watched him come in during my set, and I got like so terrified.

And I was like, this is fucked up.

I was like vertigo-y, yeah, but it was fine.

I also, in movie theaters, if the, if there's like any music that's like this, oh,

like that, I'll just faint.

You don't like it.

I'll faint.

I literally will faint.

I've seen physical response.

I've been in four theaters.

I fainted on a plane recently.

Yeah.

From my shy meal on old, that movie, Old.

Really?

Yeah, I fainted and came myself.

From that scene where the guy's nose is bleeding?

No, and she has the tumor.

Oh, okay.

And they cut it open.

I hated that movie.

It's a bad movie.

I mean, I only saw half of it because I passed out, but if there's the music paired with gore, yeah.

Well, movies hit different on planes because of like cabin pressure and stuff.

Yeah, and that's why you cry.

Yeah.

So you're like, fucked up.

I vape so much on planes.

I do.

It's so bad.

People know.

It's not a cool look in general.

I set off the alarm in the bathroom.

Did you?

With a vape.

Aren't they like, that's a $500,000 fine?

You're going to Guantanamo.

My brain was like, I don't have anything, dude.

I don't know why it went off.

Your plane's fucked up.

I farted.

I farted, sir.

It's my pussy.

From my pussy.

My pussy's rotten.

My pussy farted.

Go ahead.

Show me for having a rotten pussy and see what kind of article that gets written about.

Go ahead.

He knew I was lying.

He angrily stood stood at the front of the plane and went, nobody's allowed to vape on the plane while only making eye contact with me.

And the whole plane looked at me and I was like,

There are no vapes allowed on the plane.

An Indian airline pilot, you don't see that very often.

Well, yeah.

That would not instill a lot of confidence in me.

Why?

They're not.

Why?

They do a good job at Uber.

Yeah, but they drive real aggressively.

Yeah, so you'll get to LA first.

You should say the Indian plane is landing, and behind you, you just see another plane just like blowing up, just crashing and blowing up.

A plane with a horn for some reason.

The guy's like standing on the wings.

We have landed.

It stresses me out when they go.

They go by the cabin.

It's got those beads.

The beads all over the chair.

It stresses me out when they find those trains.

I love when they have the tiny magic carpet hanging from the rear view.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool.

That's cool.

Because I just want some carpet.

I have lots at home, but some also I'll drive I have somewhere.

In case.

What if my hand has to sit down?

What if I want to put the carbohydrate down on the dash in my hand?

It's got to be a praying thing, right?

Like they just do that and they're like, okay, you're good.

Every two hours while driving.

Oh, their fingers are finger.

They have their fingers bow.

Yeah, I love you.

I love you.

Muhammad's like, yeah, that's good enough.

Just don't draw me.

That's fine.

That satisfies the every five hours requirement.

Just don't ever draw a fucking picture of me.

Praying, I love you is so funny.

I love you.

Oh, Kisha.

I miss you every day.

I love you, God.

I love you, God.

Oh, my God.

Have you guys seen Zarna Garg?

Oh, God, what?

What's that?

Zarna Garg.

What's that?

She's the Indian woman at the cellar.

No, we're not seller, guys.

We're not comedians.

It is full, the thickest Indian accent you've ever heard.

Will she crush?

Speaking of which, I will crush

at the Irvine Improv August 18th through the 20th.

Tickets are still on sale now.

We're running out of time here for you guys to go buy tickets at the Irvine Improv.

When does this come out?

This comes out today.

Oh, God.

Please buy tickets to Albany for the love of God.

I'm going to kill myself in Albany.

I'm ready to die, and that's the place to do it.

Is there even a club there?

It's the funny bone.

It's a mall.

That's bad.

Yeah, so buy tickets.

What kind of mall?

Buy tickets to the Albany show,

and when's that?

This weekend.

This weekend.

And hit up the Orange Julius before.

How are ticket sales going?

I don't know.

I haven't asked him too scared.

Yeah.

But I hope that they'll just, if it's bad, just collapse it into one show.

I mean, I opened for Dusty there, like, I think last year, and he had a hard time.

And that was after Netflix, and he, like, sells out.

Yeah.

I mean, just a dusty show.

Buffalo was rough.

Like, I was like, you know, I've been on the road a little bit.

Like, after the first shows, Austin, I was like paranoid, but they sold out pretty quickly.

And then Boston, I was worried about it, and it was fine.

And then Raleigh and Portland, like, didn't move at all

until a couple of days before.

And then those all sold out.

And I was like, oh, thank God.

Like, they were selling out day of.

And then Portland, same thing.

It was selling out day up.

So I'm like, oh, maybe I'm fine.

And then Buffalo wasn't worried about it.

And I got all of the, I mean, I sold maybe 100, 150 tickets each show, and it was like 350 capacity.

So now I'm like back to being worried about it.

And Irvine's a huge fucking room.

It's like $490.

Oof.

Wait, how was

Raleigh end up being okay?

Yeah, Raleigh was great.

Because it's a great club.

I was just worried about the market in terms of how many tickets I could sell.

People always do the day of thing.

It's aggravating.

They did that to me in Louisville.

It was zero, and then it was like everybody bought them.

Yeah, it makes sense.

Honestly, I mean, if I was going to something, I'm like, I'm going to get my tickets three months in advance.

No, I would expect that out of these guys.

Yeah.

They need to get their iCals in line.

I put a Facebook clip up and boosted it because that's what Dusty said to do.

And I was like, here we go.

This is great.

It's going to go out into the ether.

People get tickets.

Middle, you know, Albany, New York people, and it's like four views or something.

I'm like, what the fuck?

No, that shit is all a scam.

What do you do?

All of the advertising that anyone has access to, like anyone,

if any fucking dickhead in the world can approach like a company and be like, can I promote this?

then it is guaranteed to be useless as far as conversion is concerned.

Like the only advertising that's effective, like if you can get something on TV or like a real ad campaign.

And I'm basing that on nothing.

On no information that I have.

People do.

Do people have publicists?

I don't know.

I spent a little bit of money on Instagram advertising for t-shirts, and

it did nothing.

It did absolutely nothing.

Yeah.

People, just people that don't know Comptown didn't want to buy an Andre Steakhouse t-shirt.

The Richard Gere Museum shirt is a good shirt.

That is a great shirt.

I got plenty.

That was the only one I paid for.

I like the New York Times one.

And the Sopranos one was good.

Oh, thank you.

you.

That was awesome.

Yeah.

I wanted to do a shirt, and this is not Irvine.

What?

No, nothing.

Say it.

No, I'm not saying it.

No, because you're going to.

Irvine Improv is the.

That'll be interesting to see how that sells.

Irvine.

Where is Irvine?

Irvine's like, I guess 45 minutes south of L.A.

Yeah.

Oh, I did that with Lewis.

Yeah.

Lewis JCK.

Lewis JCK, yeah.

God, can you imagine how much that guy would rape?

Oh, my God.

He'd get numbers.

He'd do numbers.

Rack them up.

He'd rape and then he'd do Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

But after this, I've got to be on the road like every weekend until October.

So I'm worried it's going to be like

I go on tour and I'm making no money for two months straight and then coming back here and having to like

get this thing off the ground.

You'll do it.

Honestly, I can't.

You're going away every weekend.

Are you coming back?

I picked up, like, CAA is booking me.

So, oh, yeah, no, I'll be like, I'll be out of town Thursday to Sunday to do stand-up and then back here, and then this is like

a full-time job basically.

Now, at this point,

50 minutes Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday,

15 minutes, 50.

Well, an hour, yeah, yeah.

But twice a night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Usually, it's five shows, usually.

It's like a normal club around.

Crazy.

Why?

Because I've just been doing Saturday, Sunday an hour.

No, I just did eight shows in Chicago.

It wipes me out compared to doing the cellar where it's like 15 minutes three or four times a night.

You know what's nice about doing this?

This is the first time doing Adams show.

It's the first time I've had like anything close to a real job in like seven years.

And because it's like, you know, I mean, I get here at like 8 a.m., 7, 8, and then just handling like phone calls.

Really?

Phone calls.

Pointing at stuff, telling people what to paint, what.

Delegations.

Yeah, I think going back to doing something that has regular nine to five hours and then doing stand-up you forget as a stand-up comedian that it is the laziest easiest job in the world yeah totally so comics are like dude five show that that really wears you out it's like work a mcdonald's drive-through for one day yeah that's a real job do it once no it is true yeah when i was doing carpentry i would do comedy and i'd be like this rule this is the best and now i'm just like i'm used to going to the cellar doing two 15 minute spots eating and going home so now i'm like two hours are you kidding me

stand-up for that long i remember being like like a young comic.

You see like headliners and they'd be like, when they didn't even bring the fucking, they didn't bring, I asked for ranch dressing with these fucking French fries.

And you're like, you have like the, this is the dream.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're complaining about ketchup.

Like in the green room.

You just fly around doing nothing.

Yeah, it is.

And then you just talk about yourself for an hour.

Yeah, right.

And then it takes maybe two months of adjusting to that lifestyle.

And you're like, can't they get another fucking, can't there be an Ottoman in here?

I'm trying to put my feet up.

Dude.

One time I was in this,

I always think about this when people say riders, we were in this room, me and Louie, in Atlanta, and it was, I swear to God, zero degrees.

I mean, it was the coldest room we've ever been in, and we were like bundling up, grabbing like pieces of furniture.

And he has that, he has that in his rider.

No, and I went up to the guy and I was like, dude, what's going on?

Like, this is fucked up, and we're here for like five days.

And he was like, I thought Louis likes an ice-cold green room.

We were like, no, dude.

And he was like, so embarrassed.

He like lost his mind.

He was like, I'm so sorry.

And then cranked it up.

But it was like, do you think that Louis rode in?

Like, I want the green room to be zero degrees?

It's crazy.

Why would who would do that?

I don't know where.

Also, where was the mist,

you know what I mean?

Like, what happened?

He was like, that's just what I heard.

He likes.

You can see us suffering.

Louis Eskimo.

That's who they thought it was.

Yeah.

That's a different guy.

Ryan Hannah?

Yeah, that's a different Louis Eskimo.

Louis Eskimo.

I want a a rider.

What's your rider?

Do you have a rider?

No, I don't.

I don't know.

I mean,

yeah, there's nothing.

Just get through the weekend, I guess.

So I can get back here and

we can pretend to have a TV show.

I just want to get to the point where I can say no punishers in the green room.

No person that's going to sit there and talk to me for an hour and a half about

comedy.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I love talking about my process.

Oh, my God.

I love drifting off to sleep while somebody's talking in the green room.

Just be like, right.

Right at them with dead eyes.

Totally.

Just having sleep apnea at them.

And they're like, totally, dude, I'll let you do your thing.

I'll see you later.

No, yeah, no, I hear you.

But yeah, I'll chat with you after.

The worst is like for us, like when a local comic is like, hey, great to meet you.

Beep, beep, beep.

You know, and they say, like, all of the bad words, and we're like, why?

Because they want to prove that their N-word lord worthy

of the words.

I met some

kid in.

I was like chanting.

I was like, you don't talk to someone this way.

I met some kid in Penn Station.

He came up to me in Penn Station and he was like, dude, meet me.

And he's like,

he just has like a wet mouth, you know, like the way like a five-year-old does.

His lips are wet.

Yeah, Dan Natterman, totally in the middle.

Like a guy that's dealing with chapped lips in the middle of summer.

Where he has like the ring of red around it.

27 years old, and he's like, Me and my friend always talk about what I would say to you or what we would say to you if we ever ran into you on the Long Island Railroad.

That's like what, yeah, yeah, I don't know why that that was the scenario.

That's something people wonder, yeah.

And then he goes, and he goes, and I, I, what we decided is I would you would just sit down next to you and just say fag it and then say nothing else.

And I was like,

great,

cool, awesome.

We've really made the world a worse place.

That's what this new show is.

We're trying to atone for our sins.

Anyways, he's a nice kid.

He's nice.

He's a nice guy.

I'll let you do your thing.

I'll get out of here.

You're right.

Thank you for saying hi.

I don't want to discourage anyone from saying hi.

My problem is I hate to be touched by women.

Women are so touchy.

Oh, me too.

I hate to be touched.

They'll be like, oh my God, I need it.

And they'll climb into my fucking mouth and I'm like pulling them off me.

And I feel like I can't.

And they put your hands through your hair like a shampoo.

They do.

They do.

Or they'll be like, I love your.

And I'm like, just take it.

You can have it.

Whatever you like.

It's crazy.

Or there's this one.

Can we be best friends?

That

the hostility that it elicits in me is unbelievable.

Can we be friends?

I'm like, no, I 100% no because of that parade.

Like, what is supposed to happen after that?

It's crazy.

Like, you both just sit on a couch and don't say anything and watch fucking the Decades channel.

Or they're like in a living room.

What do you even do with friends?

You go to Sweet Green?

Yeah.

Yeah, you go to Sweet Green, but they want to trip on mushrooms with me.

One guy in Vegas, like,

bum-rushed me on stage to, as I got off stage, like, ran at me to try and do mushrooms with me because he was on mushrooms, and the security just, like, crossed, when I clotheslined him, and he, like, fell over and was on mushrooms, being like, I just want to do mushrooms with her, as if I was going to be like, come on, buddy, the faster you run.

Yeah, we had a guy in Chicago.

Somebody Nick and I were there.

He was on acid.

He just casually tried to approach the stage.

He tried to get on stage.

Nick invited me on stage.

They took him out.

They took him out.

You've been at Lincoln Lodge.

It's like a hundred people in there.

Kyle was just like, no, he didn't.

We're all sitting right here.

Yeah.

So he got like escorted out, and I guess someone went outside for a cigarette.

Like 20 minutes later, there's just a picture.

He went across the street to another bar.

And they beat him.

The bouncers kicked the shit out of him.

There's a picture of him just face down on the ground.

He was like being arrested by the colours.

Yeah, the cop showed up and he was like, just fucking kill me.

But it's like a white guy, so they're like, do you need help?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Do you want us to call your parents?

He wanted them to like George Floyd him, I guess.

Yeah.

That's like the comic who lost his mind recently.

Ian with that guy.

No, not Ian.

The other one who kept like...

We'll talk about it.

Ian does that also.

Ezra Miller, the flash.

Tries to get in trouble?

No, he loses his mind.

And he's like, if you George Floyd me, it would fix every problem in society.

Politics have gotten so much stupider.

He sent Adam the funniest text this time.

Oh, my God.

He sent me a text about your podcast.

And he was like, hey, man, I'm really sorry.

Like, I thought it would be really funny to have a baby there.

But, you know, I'm really sorry that the show became.

And he described the episode we did as a dystopian nightmare.

And I was like, you don't know what that word is.

The only thing dystopian about it was watching Racine hate his child.

That's what was freaking me out.

I was like,

yeah, that kid's cute, man, Ben.

That kid rules.

Racine just being like, just stop it.

I don't think he should be on Ian Fiden's podcast, though.

I think that is maybe...

I'm not going to call CPS on Racine, but I don't think that's good.

No, him chugging that liquid death and playing with the taser gun.

I was like, this is not good.

Real quick, we got to talk about...

Today is the 10th?

The 9th, I think, right now?

Maybe the 10th.

Doesn't make any sense.

Oh, yeah, no, it's the 10th, yeah.

Sorry.

So we got to talk about superspeciosa.com.

Oh, let's talk about it.

Supergetsuperleaf.com, I think, is still the website.

We're four minutes late on this one.

Damn, we haven't had reads in a while.

During the summer, I guess it slows down.

With advertisements?

Yeah, there's nobody, at least our sponsors, nobody.

Like, I book all the

I would do like annual contracts.

So I'd book everything in November.

And then I'll leave like, I left like a blank spot in the middle of the summer, and I was like, that's all the way in the fucking summer.

And then you forget as you get older that it's like time is just.

Yeah, I've been doing that.

I'm buying plane tickets where I'm like, I'll buy it when it comes.

And then it's here and it's $8,000.

Yeah, I haven't bought a ticket to Irvine yet.

And I might have to...

Dude, I booked, I was like, I asked Wardell, I was like, do you want to feature?

And he was like, yeah, totally.

And then I saw him last night and like,

you know, I was like, you're so, just like a casual, like, you're still good to feature, right?

Like, expecting the answer to be like, of course.

Because he's like, oh, yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you.

No.

I'm like,

what the fuck?

He's like, yeah, I can do like a guest spot on Saturday.

And it's like,

you were booked the middle the whole weekend.

So I might fly Racine out there because I really don't know anyone.

Oh, yeah, I'll fly Racine.

You asked Jamil, too.

I guess I do Jamil.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, I'll bring Racine.

Yeah, Mike needs to work.

Yeah.

It's just as expensive to bring Mike.

Why?

Well, he brings all his fucking pasta sauce on the airplane.

Oh, yeah.

And that's like an additional like $3,000.

And you can't check it because it's like medicine.

It's prescription.

He has to have it on his person at all times.

And he can't get through TSA.

He can't bring liquids on the plane.

He has to learn that important time.

If he doesn't have access to the marinara for two hours, he starts growing like a giant curly mustache and accordion music starts playing.

And he starts trying to make dogs.

His hairline just goes back further and further.

Yeah.

Okay, get super or superspeciosa.com.

I guess they've abandoned get superleaf.com.

Okay.

Here's the thing I love about this company is like, so they buy a bunch of reads with us and they cannot figure out what they want the name of the company to be or what

it changes every time.

It changes all the time.

So it's gets it's super speciosa raw leaf.

T-R-D-M-R-K.

What did it used to be?

Trademark.

I don't know.

It used to be getsuperleaf.com.

It was also super OGX.

So it was super organic, super OGX, get super leaf, Leaf, Super Speciosa.

And then they would send emails.

They'd be like, oh, yeah, so can you just not say website?

They're like, stop saying super speciosa.

Say

get super leaf.

But now their website is super speciosa.com.

This is how you know this shit is good because these are the most incompetent businessmen in the entire fucking world, but they're in business because their product is basically it's drugs.

Is it like kratom?

Yeah, it's kratom.

Because of some sort of agricultural loophole.

Pure Kratom engineered by nature.

The thing is, is that the war on drugs only existed to put black people in jail in the 1970s.

That's right.

So they made all the drugs illegal.

And then they realized white people were doing a lot of the drugs also.

And now it's this blatant hypocrisy.

So they're like, we're not going to, they'll never make any new drug illegal.

How about ablasian hypocrisy?

Yeah.

Anyways, Kratom from getsuperlief.com.

New signature reserve, 1.5% MIT, 25% off.

Oh, Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

It is Kratom.

It is Kratom.

It is Kratom.

Oh, I did Kratom one time and I vomited all day.

I vomited like black.

Yeah, you threw it out.

Yeah, yeah.

I did it one time and I vomited highly.

Have you guys ever done

like a lot of opiates?

No.

You get used to that feeling.

The dizzy.

Yeah.

When I closed my eyes, it was euphoric, but as soon as I opened them, I was like,

Yeah.

It was all day.

Yeah, if you ever get into like OxyContin or whatever, you learn to associate that feeling of nausea with like, damn, I'm getting fucked up.

And then you just like feel good.

So, yeah, one of the first couple times I drank Kratom and it made me sick in that way.

I was like, this is good stuff.

This is good stuff.

I'm like, I feel great right now.

That's like people who smoke weed and they have panic attacks and they're like, this is great weed.

I'm like, how the fuck?

Yeah.

It's like one of your eyelids is shut and you've ripped out all your hair.

Our Kratom meets American Kratom Association Standard for Good Manufacturing Practices.

That's weird.

Made by nature, perfected by us, since 2016.

So these guys, they've been in business six years.

So that's how you know that

if they were doing something illegal, they'd be in jail by now.

So you'd be sure of that.

Do they send it in kilos?

My roommate gets it in these kilo bags.

What's in these little brown, like sustainable bags?

It makes you feel good about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's really.

Oh, I shouldn't say negative things about it.

You can.

It doesn't matter.

It's quite addicting.

Yeah.

Well, that's the thing.

Look, they don't want us to say any of this stuff, but

it's drugs, basically.

So

they'll sell themselves.

Yeah.

That's why it's like, you know, they have a marketing guy there that knows that.

That's why he keeps changing the name of the company.

So he can be like, I got all these big ideas.

And they're like, he's doing it.

The Ian of

the Ian of Super Organics is doing it.

Somehow making the Kratom powder popular with people.

And it's definitely because of the name and all the different cartoon playing

websites.

I really like

their resource center on their website.

They got tablets, they got the tea bags,

powder, powder, capsules, capsules, fast shipping, friendly service, trusted quality, 30-day guarantee.

If you're not happy, then neither are we.

We want to make your experience as satisfactory as possible.

30-day money-back guarantee.

You know, they got some reviews on here.

Look, this shit is good.

And it's insured.

Our latest blogs,

the facelift, this describes what's going on.

The facelift that your Kratom products deserve.

It's been six years since we launched Super Speciosa and shipped our first order to Nick in Strongsville, Ohio.

Nice.

Shout out to you.

Thanks, Nick.

He will probably.

There's a cry laughing emoji.

He will probably never see this.

Yeah, of course.

Who's reading the blog?

Well, time to check my favorite blog.

He will probably never see this?

Yeah.

Thanks, Nick.

He will probably never see this.

Sad emoji.

It's cheesy to say that it feels feels like it was only yesterday.

It does.

Well, yeah, you've been fucked up on Kratom for years.

This person is fucked up on Kratom.

Who's writing this shit?

Andy.

Andy at Super Speciosa.

Andy works there?

And he works it.

It looks like there's another guy, Sergio Santana.

He's just hiding little tabs on the menu table to put his secrets in.

I mean, this is.

After moving and expanding into three different warehouses, adding dozens of like-minded individuals to our team, shipping dozens of like-minded individuals.

I like that.

Yeah, we share the same philosophy of drug addiction of going through withdrawals when we stop this.

I hear the withdrawals are very chill.

Yeah.

They are very chill.

That's what I hear.

Yeah.

This might be the scariest thing we have ever done is rebranding.

That's the scariest thing.

That's what they said.

Is that what he said?

Not putting out, not investing a bunch of money into a

thing that might be illegal.

A jungle drug question.

Yeah, right.

The thing that like poachers take before they go kill an elephant at 2 a.m.

To desensitize themselves to the blood.

Yeah.

But anyways.

Rebranding is the scariest thing.

Right.

No, it's good shit, though.

It's good shit.

Whether you're an ivory poacher or Nick in Strongsville, Ohio.

Yeah.

A guy that's got addicted to Kratom because he's trying to resolve a powerlifting injury because that's the only job that's left in Ohio is being a guy that lifts weights for moneylifter.

After I blew out my L1 through 17

deadlifting, trying to get a cereal company sponsorship.

Trying to forget what happened in Iraq.

Yeah.

Now I'm taking kratom all day long from getsuperleaf.com.

What's the rebrand for?

Just, I have no idea.

Without further ado, this little snapshot is a preview of our refresh look.

Oh, here's what they did.

The bags look the same, but now they're colored instead of brown.

That's cool.

That's cool.

I'm going to write, I hope they don't listen to this.

I'm going to write an email

being like, you know what?

Fuck you, guys.

I've used your Kratom for years, and I expect a brown bag.

And this green shit you got now?

Mm-hmm.

No, it's good they got rid of the brown because the brown is bodega cretom.

Yeah, it's like

Brooklyn roasted coffee beans.

Yeah, Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I only get local beans.

Okay, anyways, yeah, getsuperleaf.com, promo code Cometown or Cometown20.

We'll have to get that changed to T-A-F-S20.

I love how they claim that the Kratom will both stimulate you and sedate you.

It is accurate, though.

It stimulates you to throw up everywhere, but then if you lay down, it's quite...

It doesn't help you stay focused during the day.

I mean, that's what they claim.

I think when we first lose this, when we first negotiated the ad reads with them, they described it as like taking a Percocet and drinking a cup of coffee.

But then they were like, you're not allowed to say that.

Yeah, yeah.

So we'd psych.

When my roommate tries to chill on weed,

he starts doing kratom so that he can work out and focus and write.

Yeah.

Nice.

And I have like PTSD from hearing the kratom, like

him like mixing it.

Because after he takes it, he just becomes like a robocop.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And you can't approach him because he is in it.

So it does do focus.

But the one time I did it, it was, I mean, I was like tripping.

When I lived with Felix, he would drink that.

She was the first person I knew that was drinking kratom constantly.

And then he would like spill it.

This big, very messy guy.

Yeah, he would spill it.

And then they would just, it would be like, did the cat drink its own piss and then throw up somewhere?

What the fuck is this smell?

It's like vitamin urine plus, like

I totally forgot that for the first four years of this podcast, we had a cat throwing up every episode.

R.I.P.

Ernest.

Ernest, good guy.

Amber Frost's old cat.

Oh, probably the best cat I've ever met in my entire life.

He was like 28 years old or something.

He was ancient.

He was so old.

His eyes were all fucked up.

He wanted to die so bad.

He was just hanging on.

He'd scratch his ear all the time, and he scratched it so bad that he cut a hole into his ear.

He scratched his ear off.

His ear would just be bleeding all the time.

He'd be sitting there and he'd like rub up against you and just leave blood all over your fucking.

He was honestly Nick's best friend.

Yeah, that cat was awesome, dude.

Yeah, but he was like a dog.

You know, you'd see him at the

doorway and be like, come here, boy.

You know, and he'd fucking

run over like a dog.

An ancient cat.

Ancient cats are scary because they feel slightly mummified.

When you touch them, they're like cold

and bony.

He wasn't bony.

He was fat as shit until he died.

Oh, wow.

He used to sleep on the windowsill under the plants.

I had a great picture of him where one day it was just like a nice sunny day.

He was on the windowsill and he threw up and then fell asleep.

He fell asleep with his head just gently in the pile of vomit.

I was like, damn, Ernest is drinking again.

Yeah, he was a good boy.

No, I got sad that Ernest is dead.

So, Nick, we said the promo code, the website.

We said the promo code we said.

The website, the read is.

The read is done.

The read is done.

Go ahead and buy this shit.

It's awful.

Yeah.

No,

it's great.

It'll keep you stimulated and sedated.

Well, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

Did you do the Adam Friedland show or you just did Come Town, I guess?

I think she did Adam Friedland.

The first one.

Maybe the first one.

Nick's apartment.

Yeah.

This is the podcast for the week.

Yeah.

So what video is on Patreon?

Audio is on Patreon?

The goal is to eventually just have it be all video.

But for this week,

Adam Adam's going to go see his dad for his birthday this weekend.

In Vegas?

Yeah, so he's flying back to Vegas now.

So we didn't really have time to put together a video thing.

We're kind of like...

We went hard this weekend.

We're starting to plan the next video thing right now.

Yeah.

So we just have to

work our way up to a regular release schedule.

But because everything's in flux with like the studio.

Yeah, everything's got to be built and get people in here and get stuff done.

It's like

we're trying to release as much content as possible.

The bare minimum is keeping to the audio release schedule because that's what people were like promise and what they pay for.

Was Gillis video?

Yeah, Gillis was video, but that was their podcast.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

So,

you know, just to figure out how to use this kind of transition period in like a fun way and like a creative way.

Right.

And some updates for the audience.

We're getting a lighting grid this weekend.

Very exciting.

I don't know if they need to know the exact

same thing.

Can we stay at your dad's house when Skank Fest comes?

No.

come on.

Okay,

you could have the Bye Guys podcast stay at my dad's house.

Oh, God.

You could have Miko and Ian at my dad's house.

That's so cool that you're a dad.

What's that like?

I've always thought about you.

I wonder what my dad would make of Ian.

That's such a wild.

That's great.

You should write a book about what it's like to be a dad, you know?

That's like a dystopian nightmare.

I had a crazy idea.

What if we did it?

It's me and you, and we do a podcast

called Adam Freelanche.

It's called Adam's Dad.

And we host it.

It's called Adam's Dad, the gay guy.

No,

it's called Ian Finance.

And you're just on it.

You'll just be there all day long.

It's just your name.

So

you're a host of the show, and it's called the Ian Finance Show.

What we have worked out is

a huge amount of complications is I am basically a regular

every week, if I can do that.

But it is Ian's show.

I wonder.

He sent me the intro that literally had the font that is word art 2003.

You know what I mean?

That's cool.

I was like, Ian, this font is insane.

And he was like, it's Ghostbuster's font.

It's an Easter egg.

And I was like, this is your podcast.

This is not mine.

I'm loving this new era of Ian using words he doesn't understand.

It's sort of like a dystopian Easter egg.

We're using a font.

It's the Ghostbusters font.

You know what the other one I was telling him?

The other one, like, comics used to do?

Because it's like, it's, there's, there's most comedians, their only inputs are things they hear other comedians say.

That's right.

They don't, like, they'll watch one movie a year and they'll be like, dude, I'm really into, like, cinema now.

I saw Guardians of the Galaxy.

Yeah.

And that's it.

That's their one cultural

uptake for the year.

And so there'll be like expressions or turns of phrase that, like, every, like, for a long time, there was like, they would all say, and you know what's weird?

I quit stand-up for like three, four years.

And now that I'm back into it, and, like, I didn't see the the proliferation of everybody saying getting in reps

so now people are saying putting reps in and I'm like this is gay it's so gay what do you mean like you're in the gym now dude it's always gotta be it's always gotta be another thing just doing sets yeah just doing the thing that you yeah I hate when people are like did you get up tonight I'm like shut the fuck up shut up did you get up how many times did you get up yeah did you get up but for a while they were saying like there was a thing civilians well civilians is a classic but there was a period where like comedians on stage is a punchline.

There was a lot of the Brooklyn kind of hip guys saying, yeah, that's real inside baseball.

They would use that to describe literally any kind of

not even esoteric knowledge.

You were saying before Sophie's choice also.

Yeah, Sophie's choice was a big thing.

Most comics don't know that.

Comics would say, yeah, it's like a real Sophie's choice, and they're just describing a choice.

Oh, yeah.

It's a movie about

having to decide which kid they want to kill in the Holocaust.

Yeah.

Are they...

What about the.

What was the other one that I hear people say?

They're like

on stage.

Man, I've been hearing it all the time.

Getting in reps.

Oh, they'll say, sorry for breaking the fourth wall, guys.

That is

all the time.

Most of them don't know.

Yeah, it was funny because

you're like relatively new to stand-up, right?

Like seven, eight years?

Yeah.

Is that relatively new?

I guess.

I think for how talented you are.

Yeah, I mean, you're a very good comic.

Probably one of the top five in the city.

But like the,

I mean, I've been doing, I started in 2005, so I guess, yeah, like seven years is relatively new.

I guess, yeah.

I started 2014, fall of 2014.

What's that?

Eight years?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah.

But I also started and then didn't do the thing that people do where they dabble.

I was like, hooked, and then was just like, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

Yeah, but there's a lot of people like that, and they suck still.

Oh, yeah, because it's like something to do.

Yeah, I mean, what sets people apart as a comedian is like somebody, you have to have like a unique kind of style, and that can't, like, that really can't be learned.

It can maybe be manufactured in a certain way, but like either you have it or you don't.

Joke writing is a thing that you can hone, but like, you know, like what makes somebody like, you know, like you have the potential to be, I mean, I think you already are a great comic, but you have the potential to be like a, like, you know, like, you know, you're established as like somebody that moves the medium forward or does something with it.

It changes the way people people think about being alive and about humanity.

Yeah, certainly.

I don't mean what I've said.

I don't mean that.

What sets people apart is that they have a unique style.

Burr is a very good joke writer, but Burr is also Burr.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you know him as a person, and it becomes a little bit cultist.

Or like Fluffy.

He's got a unique style.

He does the sound effects.

He's Mexican.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

He's got a roller coaster.

Yeah, I love that.

I love the roller coaster.

Does he do a roller coaster?

Like the girl voice?

Yeah.

Where he's like going up a roller coaster.

I forget what it is.

Do you think the Holocaust?

It's about how he's so fat.

Okay, go ahead.

Do you think the Holocaust would have been as bad if they had used roller coasters instead of trains?

Well, they need like a slope aspect.

All the way, like through the Alps, maybe

it could have gone through the Alps.

I went on a roller coaster with Ron on Hirschberg.

That felt like the Holocaust.

Yeah,

in Vegas.

Really?

Which one?

New York, New York?

yeah class

class

yeah not not I'm not scared of that one at all I've done it how did little Sasquatch do on your show the other night he was he's he's so cute I just so cute I just think he's so cute I haven't seen what his online thing but people are like this kid's huge and I'm like there's no way he's cute like he's like got like uh like 14 year old girls that like want to that are like

hi

it's crazy apparently if you look at like Crystalia's social media, he still has that, like children.

Really?

Like, I have a big crush.

Well, now they know they have a chance.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, now they're like, oh, real quick.

If you are old and you're trying to get your dick hard, maybe try Blue Chew.com.

Blue Chew.com.

The one-stop shop.

If you love sex, you love Blue Chew.com.

One-stop shop for chewable tablets

that have the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and now Lovitra.

Is that that right?

You sound like you know a lot about

the current lineup.

This is great.

Somebody's on their P's and Q's.

What is LaVitra?

La Vitra is one of the other dick pills.

Yeah.

So all these companies,

they start a dick pill company, and it's like one real pharmaceutical company, I guess, and then their product goes in the public domain.

And then other companies are allowed to make generic versions of it, I guess.

So La Vitra was the one after Cialis.

It was Viagra, then Cialis.

Yeah, yeah.

What's going on with these hymns stuff where

it makes your hair grow back, but then it gives you anxiety, so they give you anxiety pills?

It's generic Rogan.

Really?

Yeah.

Does Rogane give people anxiety?

The hymn is making your dick soft, and then.

Yeah, well, hymns might be like propecia or something.

Do you remember there was that

advert that, what's the name, Ray Liota was on?

I can't say for sure, but I used to take one of these Cialis Blue Chews,

one of those every day.

And I think it helped my blood pressure.

I know you're not allowed to say that.

Probably more so.

Yeah, probably.

This is an actual pharmaceutical.

It's an actual pharmaceutical.

I'm not allowed to do off-label prescriptions to the audience, but why did it help your blood pressure?

Oh, because

it's a vasodilator, so it makes your veins open up.

That's the way they work.

Oh, gross.

So you just felt more.

Well,

my arteries are probably clogged from a lifetime of being pissed.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, like bad diet and smoking and being pissed.

And now I've done three cycling classes and I'm like, I'm fixed.

Yeah.

I'm fine.

Yeah, I'm zen.

Yeah, I'm good.

Anyway, Ray Liotta was on that Chantix commercial, which is like the medication that makes you like stop smoking.

If you're like a smoker, you take it and like cigs are like disgusting.

But anyway, so it and it works.

But apparently the main side effect is it gives you horrific nightmares.

So every night, so you're not smoking sticks during the day and then you close your eyes and then you're visited by Satan.

like it's just like the skin Laura Peake has a joke about that how she's like you won't you won't you'll have hallucinations where she's like yeah you're not smoking cigarettes because there's a guy crawling out of your oven at you or something like that

yeah it seems it seems uh shout out Laura Peak great comic blue chew doesn't cause any of this no blue chew actually makes your life better and it makes people think you're cool and I think bags are hard to open though I'll tell you what harder than a condom really

no they're not the the bags you know there's like an indentation where you can tear I don't know we were playing with one the other night, and Colin pulled one out, and you could see where it was all, like, torn up from him trying to open it.

He was like, are you going to open the fucking bag?

Yeah, he's like a Hiberian Mongol boy.

These people are retards.

He like barely speaks English.

He barely speaks English.

It's a language he's been speaking his entire life and he barely speaks it.

It's crazy how little respect I have for anybody with an Irish accent.

Even a woman came up to me this other day and she was like, you were a great crack tonight.

And I was like, get the fuck?

Oh, What did you just say to me?

They're the worst accents of all the European accents.

Irish?

Yeah.

It's bad.

Well, Irish and then, yeah, British after that.

And then probably Portuguese.

Yeah.

But I would respect the British.

If somebody was like, you were quoting.

They took over the whole world.

Right.

But why is the Irish just as soon as they begin to speak, I just want to spit right on them?

Yeah, disgusting.

Yeah.

You need not apply to me.

Bluechew.com, no Irish accents, no.

Blue Chew offers you the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and La Vitra for a fraction of the price and an innachewable form.

Prescribed online and shipped to your door.

Cancel anytime.

No gimmicks.

No lock-in Bluetooth makes getting the treatment you need affordable and discreet.

No lock-in?

What does that mean?

You know I like hanging out with Adam

because I'm worried I have a brain tumor all the time.

And then because I see trouble speaking, and then he's going through a base.

He's like, C-Spot rune.

Tell me what no lock-in Bluetooth

is

new, what's no lock-in Blue Chew?

I read it the right way, but it doesn't matter.

You're the one looking at the words and reading them.

I'm sure the copy is not a good thing.

No lock-in Blu-Chew makes getting the treatment you need affordable and discreet.

No more waiting rooms.

No lock-in means Blue Chew.

No lock-in?

No, Nick, that's not normal.

That's bad copy.

Okay, you're not locked in.

Okay, you're not locked into a contract.

Okay, so they can bad copy.

They can write that better.

It's not me.

I thought it was on contract.

I am

illiterate, but that's on them.

That one is on them.

Okay.

No more time-consuming doctors.

Did you go to Equinox with him today?

I think we were both going to sign up.

I didn't make you go.

You've been asking me for four days you want to go to Equinox.

Because you said you wanted to go to Equinox.

I'm trying to get through the stuff that we got.

If you don't finish the fucking

stuff, we got to hash this Equinox stuff out.

What's going on with Equinox?

What Equinox is going to be doing?

So, Nick, he is refusing to tell me that you're going to be able to do my side of the story.

Because your side of the story is going to.

Okay, but just forever.

I'm not even going to insult you.

I'm complaining about something I felt.

What did you feel?

You felt joy.

I didn't feel joy.

I said, you know, he wanted to sign up.

I said, I'll sign up if you sign up and go to the gym together.

That'd be nice.

Yeah.

But then we're going, the lady gives us the whole thing, and then he's like, well, I got to see if I can cancel my gym membership first.

And we clearly wasted this person's time, and it made me feel like poor.

It's not wasting your time.

You know, like going to a car dealership and and being like can we sit in the Cadillac and being like yeah maybe we'll come back next week and there's just holes in your shoes no I just have to go to my gym how much something is and then you're like I'm gonna circle back I'm gonna circle back no I was like basically I was literally telling this lady I was like I'm rich by the way I'm rich I think you I could come here I could blow I could spend whatever money I want no yeah you're like she's like what's the so what are you looking for like I wouldn't be here this is Nick is like

she's like what are you looking forward to the gym and Nick's like you know honestly mainly it's just spending money that's what I

want you got the money dude I don't want to feel like I fucking can't afford it.

Yeah, I just like Equinox.

Try to make it clear.

We can afford it.

I got the money for this fucking place.

Yeah.

You should do an Equinox or something.

I want to start a life with her.

That's her.

It's like three.

I really do want to.

Both Nick and I want to start a life with her.

I would make her so old.

You can't.

You're going to blow it, dude.

She probably listens to the show.

No, she doesn't listen to her.

Is she a hot girl?

She was a woman that paid attention to us for five minutes.

And she looked at us.

She looked at us.

And she was a woman.

and

she had hair.

It was her job to answer our questions.

You know one of those women with the hair?

Yeah, yeah, with the eye contact.

Yeah, with eyes and hair.

And they say

that they want $300 a month.

A salesperson.

Is it $300?

It's like $200.

I would do it just for the dunk tank, the cold plunge.

Do they have that?

No.

Yeah.

Where?

Some of them do.

It's got to be the most expensive one.

Oh, it's more than that.

Really?

Yeah, it's so expensive.

You could just also just take a cold shower at home.

Why don't you just do that?

But they have an ice punch in the bottom of the bottom.

I love those.

Why don't you just put a fixed bike in here?

I have one at home.

You should put it in here.

I have it at home.

It's a lot of fun.

I wake up early and I do it.

This is a union work site.

We can have bikes and stuff.

You could power something.

Nick didn't even want me to have food in here for a long time.

Well, because he left salad directly.

One time.

It's like a one-strike system, I get.

I forgot a salad on the weekend.

When we recorded the podcast at my house, do you understand how much garbage he would produce within an hour?

It would look like a hamster was trying to start a family in the corner.

Okay, you could just see garbage and throw it out.

It's not that difficult.

And you're like, we don't have a contract with the garbage company.

We got a new relationship on this show, so I'm not going to say anything.

Wild accusation.

Insane.

To say I'm the garbage company.

To tell me that I'm not allowed to have garbage or food.

I'm not allowed to eat food in our office.

That's not what I said at all.

I still have like a Brad said from Ocean's 11th.

I said, if you bring food in here, if you don't mind, until we have a way to throw out stuff, because we have to have a contract with the garbage company.

There's no way you said if you don't mind.

I did say that.

He did not say if you don't mind.

It came out.

No, he snapped at me and he told me I wasn't allowed that food.

It's like Ian Sage.

I said, I was like, I'm going to pick up an order lunch if anyone wants anything.

And then he snapped at me and told me that I wasn't allowed to have food.

I did not snap.

It's a goal of mine to start saying, if you don't mind.

The first time I said, if you don't mind, can you please

take food with you

after if we're once we're done take it with you because it's it smells but i will say it smells like a fucking indian bath in lieu of in lieu of me in lieu of me ordering food here we did go to chipotle and i hadn't had it you had a great time at chipotle it was great i had a great time for you for your chipotle

they got a new chicken it's very exciting and then we went to pick up one

very nice carpet where'd you get that We got it from one of those guys.

Well, yeah, we got it from a Jewish lady who one of those never, never, never has seen a time card or a paycheck in her entire life.

No, she wasn't like that.

She was like, she lived in like a very old, but like,

clearly

nice co-op.

Craigslist.

Anyway.

She lived in a co-op.

No more waiting rooms.

No more time-consuming doctors in-person visits.

No more judgment.

Quality patient care.

No doctors in timing pursuit visits.

What is it?

No more time-consuming doctors in person.

No more doctors in prison.

Literally an hour ago, my neck was itchy.

I'm like, should I get an MRI?

And then I just listened to this.

I said, no more time.

I said, no more time-consuming doctors in person visits.

It's bad copy, guys.

This is, yeah, we were.

No more doctors person in the middle.

We went to Marshall's and got, went to the women's intimate situation.

That's what I figured.

But I wanted to get away from that.

And they got those.

And so to work here where you moved in.

Okay, yeah, but don't get them too dirty.

We have to return them to Mars.

John already spray painted them by accident, so those are.

Okay, can I give them to my girlfriend?

Yeah, that's it.

I should spray paint those black and be like, they're for guys.

Just shut up.

They're guys.

It's guys' stuff.

Yeah,

they have bunny ears, but it's like a guy bunny.

It's a Donnie Darko bunny.

Yeah, it's badass.

It's for fucking guys.

Shut up.

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I'm sorry for telling you to take your food out of here.

No more doctors in prison.

You're right.

This is your office.

You can eat in here.

I'm sorry for saying that.

I accept your apology.

Okay, cool.

Look at that.

And you know what?

It feels nice.

Yeah.

It feels nice.

But just to let everybody know,

I'm not getting into apologizing.

The specific circumstance, I'm not an apology guy across the board.

So if you think I need to apologize to you, you can suck my fucking.

On Monday.

I'm not.

On Monday night.

Oh, my God.

On Monday night.

He was like, they want me to apologize.

And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

We were all there.

On Monday night,

we were disrespected by a bouncer at a place.

We won't say the name of the place, but it was at a comedy show.

And Nick was presented with the option of squashing the beef and just offering

you could have crossed your fingers, just said sorry, we could have moved on.

And Nick really, it was a real Sophie's choice, as they say.

Yeah, real inside baseball.

Real inside basement.

Broke the fourth wall.

Yeah.

It was, I've had that happen so many times.

The other thing was it was a lady bouncer, too.

And, and, uh, she was a cunt.

She was, she was rude.

She shoved me.

She shoved me upon entry.

I won't say where it was.

She shoved you?

She shoved me.

She shoved both of me.

She pushed me.

She literally shook me.

She smacked Nick and she shoved Adam.

Jesus Christ.

No, she didn't deserve an apology.

I walked in and she said nothing to me.

Yeah.

For me, I can literally.

I guarantee you what happened is after our thing, she was like, well, I'm not checking IDs then.

Does she work there or is she subcontracting?

They subcontract them out, I guess.

So that's why they wanted me to apologize because I guess they have a bad relationship.

I don't know if they have a bad relationship, but they were like, we've got got to keep things kosher with the company that subcontracts out the door people.

Well, I guess now we're going to have to start our own security company.

And we'll have nice bouncers.

Napoleon, just get Napoleon.

Yeah, we'll get all just British guys that look like Mark Strong in tuxedos with white gloves.

100%.

Like, you know who they, you know,

our security company will be is the fucking goons from Eyes Wide Shut.

Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just jack dudes and tuxedos.

Hell yeah.

Do you know the password, sir?

Fidelio.

Yeah.

That's who I want.

Yeah, we have to have a sick password.

Damn, now I'm going to go home and watch Eyes Wide Shut.

I'm going to take an OxyCon and watch Eyes Wide Shut.

Good movie.

Yeah.

I'm reading Nick Bryant's book right now because we've got

Nick Bryant wrote.

I think he did.

The book is just called The Franklin Scandal.

But I had read the Build a Camp book about.

Are you familiar with the Franklin Scandal?

It's a crazy story.

And then I'm sure when he's on, he'll tell it.

But

in the Nebraska.

It's a credit file thing.

Yeah, it's wild.

There was a credit union called the Franklin Credit Union in Omaha, Nebraska, and the head of the credit union, this guy Lawrence King, got caught embezzling some outrageous number, like $50 million from the credit union.

And so the state legislator, they had to put together this investigative committee, or maybe it was already the Financial Oversight Committee or something, to figure out how this guy could possibly have embezzled so much money without, because there's governmental oversight you know yeah so without you know like somebody must have missed something there had to have been something else going on that this guy could steal this much money without anybody noticing so they started investigating there's this one guy Bill DeCamp was a Nebraska state legislator and investigating it I forget the timeline exactly but he finds out like okay this guy Lawrence King he would go to these like kind of like

like like Nebraska social elite like parties and stuff and then he also like was like a closeted homosexual who liked like younger guys so he would buy like you know boys essentially but like got you know like legal still like 17 18 something like that and then investigating more he finds like these children like people who are like 14 who were like yeah I was molested at this party by King and the chief of police and so at first he's like kind of skeptical but he finds like two kids who make these accusations and they don't know each other you know so he's like okay well this is like weird and then investigating it more and more it's been years since I read like the original book book so i'm like i don't remember the timeline exactly but in investigating it it's like okay this involves like the local fbi office like all of these like politicians and there's like too many the stories are like corroborated in a way where it's like you can't like ignore it and so investigating it more and more it's like it blows up in this whole thing involving the cia the george like george bush's administration like franklin will really like fuck with your head if you if you like really get into the story there's all of like this other shit where it's like there needs needs to be some explanation.

But basically, after that.

It just keeps going up further and further to the top.

After Epstein, like prior to Epstein, Franklin was one of those things that you kind of just had to be like, I mean, is this, like, it has to just be a conspiracy.

But Epstein kind of proved, like, basically, the CIA runs like, you know, like, like, you know, honeypot child molestation.

Like, you know, like, essentially, I mean, that's what Epstein was.

He was a guy that was clearly an intelligence asset who was probably just a pedophile that got caught, but they recognized it.

But they were like, hey, if you can bring these people in, then we'll have leverage against them.

Yeah, if you can get the prime minister of Israel fucking a 12-year-old on camera, then it's like, you know, so that's where he has all his money.

These boys are patriots, those young children.

That's what I think they are.

Yeah, I mean, they're essentially the troops.

Yeah.

Every one of them has a Punisher tattoo on their asshole.

And it says, punish me.

It's like an extra piece of the fish.

Punish this.

There's an extra like a finger on the skeleton.

It's biting its lip.

Yeah.

A skeleton finger.

Yeah.

Punish this.

That's cool.

Yeah, so we'll have him on and ask him if

the victims had that tattoo on their asshole.

Yeah, yeah.

Like an American eagle bending over or something.

But yeah, anytime I get back into that kind of stuff, I just want to get fucked up and watch Eyes Wide Shut again.

Is he

the author of the book and he's going to be on the show?

No, Bill DeCamp wrote the initial book, the original one.

Nick Bryan is a journalist who wrote...

like also covered the material.

I don't know if they have problems with each other or something because in reading just the introduction to this, he doesn't even mention Bill Camp by name.

He just says like a Nebraska state senator but considering like the kind of the testy personalities that are in the conspiracy world because you have to be like somewhat paranoid anyways it's like you know it lends itself to being like oh we're working together to fight the government and then at some point like you know they they have a dispute over where to have lunch and then one of them's like and you're the CIA too yeah yeah yeah and then they hate each other yeah and I don't know if that happened but I would imagine this doesn't have to do with Boys Town wasn't there it is Boys Town oh it is Boys Town

yeah I did know about this yeah that's well that's what's crazy about the original book.

He accuses the bishop that was the head of Boys Town of molesting children.

And then it's like, come on, the bishop, and the book was written in 1998.

And then after that, the Catholic Church scandal all came out.

And then that was one of the places.

And that bishop just got, you know, they just moved him.

But,

yeah.

So, I mean, a lot of it was, a lot of the book was like not necessarily

validated, but like corroborated by, you know, like the Catholic Church scandal.

Yeah, I went down this rabbit hole, the Boys Town rabbit hole.

But didn't they name it Boys Town?

Because that's where they put all those boys or something?

Well, it's called Boys Town because it was a boys' orphanage.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, it was.

Run by the church in Omaha.

And those kids were getting molested?

They were.

Yeah, they were being flown to Washington, D.C.

to be raped by George Bush.

Nice.

Yeah.

And

that's a documented fact.

Yeah.

Yeah,

they're a little crusader.

Anyway, this guy, Nick Bryant, has been on Tim Dylan.

Can you imagine I'm on Choppo?

I'm going to suck to be an altar boy because you already got a sing, which is gay enough already.

And then to also get fucked in the animal.

Yeah, and you also have to light candles.

Yeah,

there's more.

Gay shit.

You've got to wear a dress.

You have to swing Sage around or whatever the fuck that stuff is.

You literally have to wear a dress.

Look, I'm not saying if I was in charge of it, and I'm not.

But.

Of the Catholic Church?

I'm going to need to do something after the Adam Friedland show has.

You're going to take on the church?

Well, look, somebody, it's about the lesser of two.

Bannon was trying to do that.

The lesser of two evils.

If I get a job at a CIA and I'm like, let me run the child fucking operation.

No more.

You'll put them in cuter dresses.

Not cuter dresses.

Here's what we're doing.

You're still getting fucked by Saudi princes, but fucking, we're going to ESPN zone out.

Yeah.

Oh, you're going to go

Davin busters.

Yeah, you were getting your ears pierced.

We're going to Cedar Point, dude.

Best coasters in the country.

Oh,

whatever that is.

Yeah, get the Patriots some fun.

Yeah.

Take

shit the kids like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, but this guy's done some big podcast chopo traps.

Have you ever gotten molested at their bar mitzvah?

Yeah, of course.

That's got to be funny.

To get molested, your bar mitzvah is so funny.

Now you're a man.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like while Ignition remix is playing, and you're technically

brought in the back while your friends are,

what is it called?

What was the dancing called?

The grind thing?

They had a name for it.

Yeah,

freak dancing.

Yeah, freak dancing.

That's where

I learned how to freak.

All your friends are freak dancing.

Do you remember that song?

I put my hand up on your head.

We're not dip, we did it.

Yeah, that's that's

that was the track, yeah.

There was like a club Ithaca that they would send us to it.

Like we were 12 years old, a teen club.

Yeah, a teen club.

There's always like a 28-year-old there who'd

have pregnating in Ocean City.

They had like a team

that they'd fill with like suds.

They'd fill it with like soap, like soap bubbles.

Oh, like a foam party.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, they did that with kids?

Yeah, in Ocean City.

Yeah.

He was just put us in the room and turned the lights off.

It was crazy.

And the music on him like the back of a bowling alley, and we would just grind.

Truly insane, yeah.

Freak dance.

Freak dance.

Just get the

angriest boners.

Just like pissed off boners.

Yeah.

Like your penis is angry.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, just like pulsating and like vascular.

Gross.

Disgusting.

It was crazy, but it did have to be.

And it grow with like just like little bud titties.

Yeah.

And braces.

So this is basically what the Franklin scan.

Yeah, so that's basically what they did.

That's mostly the book, yeah.

He's like, we're going to talk for a second about freak dancing.

Yeah.

Why do you keep pointing to this?

Is that a Kindle?

It is a Kindle.

Oh, okay, okay.

Yeah.

I love this thing, dude.

I had never had a Kindle before.

I bought one recently because I had a...

I just used to read on an iPad.

It's bad for your eyes.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

This is cool.

Yeah.

I think you open it up.

It's like how to not be gay anymore.

It's just normal.

It's the table of contents.

So I'm like, don't read it.

I'm embarrassed for two different reasons.

I haven't started it in the type of book it is.

Page two.

Yeah.

So what do you think of our studio?

You think it's cool, Jordan?

It is pretty cool, yeah.

I think the spray, the painter you guys had is.

John Nunn.

Yeah, he's not great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He could have done a lot better.

He did a bang up John.

Does he have any tape?

I think he needs to fit it.

Yeah, he had tape, and then I guess it just, you know, John's a bigger guy.

He colored outside the lines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It seemed like he got a little

tired.

It's just for utility more than anything.

Well, I think the office needs to be fixed.

It soaks up the lights.

Well,

it was funny.

They asked me, they were like, are you going to be using this door?

Because you were just going to paint over it.

I was like, nope.

And then they didn't.

They didn't paint over the door.

Who is John Nunn?

He's a comedian?

Oh, I think think he said he knew you.

He was a

Philly comic, I think, right?

Everybody's like,

I don't know anybody's names ever.

Yeah, John's a good guy.

Is he a good guy?

Yeah, he's solid dude.

He's a solid dude.

He does like Payter.

I mean, the Philly guys are all like, they'll kind of roll together.

They all have like.

But he worked on all that McKeever stuff.

Is he friends with that?

Oh, man.

Tommy Pope and Shane Gillis and McKeever.

Oh, okay, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The evolution of all of that is McKeever and Tommy had like this thing called Bird Text.

I think this other guy, Luke Cunningham, who used to write for Fallon, and I don't know.

I don't know if he's even still, I don't know, I haven't seen him in forever.

But it was those guys, and then, I mean, I guess, yeah, Shane, I met only I met Shane through Dan Soder, but yeah, I mean, I saw him.

Does Tommy have the podcast where he gets you really high and puts you in a closet with him?

No, that's Ian Fidance.

No.

It's one of those Philly guys where you smoke a blunt with him and you see how long you can sit in a closet or something.

No, no, Tommy has one that's just in his apartment.

Does he have a wife?

With Chris.

Yeah, Tommy had one on

Anthony Cumiya's network.

I think he gets people high and puts them in a closet.

Maybe.

That's inappropriate.

I think it's a new thing he's doing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He told me he was starting a new podcast a while back.

He has a wife.

No, he doesn't.

No, he doesn't.

Yeah, not him.

Yeah.

But, yeah, that's a good idea for a podcast like a kidnapping-based podcast.

Like an escape room podcast.

I'm scared of weed now.

Anybody who's

never go to an escape room in my entire life.

No.

And anyone that tells me that they participated in escape room excommunicated.

Yeah.

Well, that's how I feel about burning, man.

Yeah.

That is for, like, if you've never had fun in your life, you go to an escape room.

I knew these dudes who built a giant escape room

complex.

It's just shitty.

I mean, it just, I didn't realize it was just shitty walls and like ticky-tacky things that you move around and you just rip it open and leave.

Yeah.

I thought it looked like it.

It would be funny, actually, now that I think about it, to go to one with you and you just start breaking the room.

Yeah.

Yeah, I just started breaking the room.

I won.

I did it.

I won.

I already escaped the room.

Nick would definitely beat up the girl that works at the front.

Fuck you.

I won.

Fuck you.

I escaped.

Fuck you, bitch.

Yeah, just punch her.

You couldn't fucking trick me.

Rip all the wires out, start a fire.

So when you left the bar the other night, did you see the security guard?

Did you say anything?

No, he didn't apologize.

So, is the door guy mad?

No, he was just like, Can you please ask Nick?

He's like, I know, I know it's

like, here's the thing.

They asked me to apologize.

It's like, I know enough to know that that would not help

for me to have any further communication with Nick.

No, it's just also that your brain couldn't process apologizing

to someone that didn't deserve it.

So, it's in the wrong, yeah.

You were right.

Unless there was a way to get revenge on them in the future.

Then I could apologize.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

And then it's like, yeah, and you knew that all their tires were stuck at the time.

I'm so sorry, said the spider to the fly.

Yeah, for me, it's like,

I will apologize.

I have no principle.

I would be in the Holocaust, and I would apologize to the Nazis.

I'm sorry, by the way, for everything you know that we're doing.

You know, I'm

nobody hates my family more than I do.

But they deserve it.

they deserve an apology.

I mean, if they hate a paper,

if somebody had apologized prior to that, maybe it wouldn't have happened.

No, that's not true.

They weren't asking for an apology.

They wouldn't take an apology.

Let's just put it that way.

Us fellas, we're very willing to do a disingenuous apology at any moment.

I'll apologize to anyone.

I would have apologized to further the fight.

You know what I mean?

I would have been like, hey, I'm really sorry that you must be knowing.

Yeah, I would have looked.

That's what I mean.

That would be my only thing.

I would have been like, oh, I am so sorry.

She's like, just say it short and sweet, you know, say you're sorry.

And I know I would have been like, hey, I'm sorry about it earlier.

You know, it's like, I'm really, I got a busy job.

I'm running here.

I got a lot of stuff to do.

I'm

not just sitting checking IDs.

So, you know,

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Well, excuse me, Mrs.

Black Lady.

I didn't know.

I flipped out at a.

Because there is the whole, like, you're a white person, fuck you.

Yeah.

In Vegas, I was like reaching to get a straw at Starbucks, and this woman was like, say, excuse me.

And I was like, what the fuck did you just say?

And we got into this huge fight about it.

But it was.

I mean, I refused to back down.

I mean, that's the other thing about my life is that I'm just constantly getting yelled at by people.

Like strangers.

Adults thinking they can tell other adults what to do is chaos.

It's really annoying.

It's like in the planes when they tell you to put the trade table on the page.

Did we say promo code ComeTown or Come Town Twenty?

No, we didn't.

So Blue Chew.com.

Blue Chew.com.

Yeah, Blue Chew.com promo code ComeTown or Cometown20.

Come town or Cometown20.

And soon to be Taft's.

My girlfriend's calling me because I have to go to the airport.

She's waiting for me.

She's driving you to the airport?

No, she's coming with me.

Oh, she's going to

Viva Rock Vegas.

She's going to Viva Rock Vegas.

We're taking my dad to see Chris Angel.

That's cool.

No, we're not.

But I'm going to tell you we should.

You get back Monday.

We're going to have a whole show.

We got a whole show.

I'm going to be working remote until Monday.

But Monday, guys, I seriously mean this, patreon.com slash T-A-F-S.

Monday is going to be great.

Very excited.

Well, we've got to make sure that we have the time.

We have to make sure that it's going to be

a lot of fun.

We are very excited about Monday.

But until the ideas are executed.

But tell you what, you can see that this weekend's episode is already up.

This weekend's episode, Monday was the hardest Nick and I have probably worked on anything related to the show.

And we were really,

probably ever.

And we were fucking shitting ourselves.

What if people don't like it?

And so far, the responses have been great, and we really appreciate it.

Not me.

I was scared, dude.

Because it's like

you're putting yourself out there, you know, as an artist.

What did you put out?

What did they see?

We put out like we tried.

we made a video, like a full show thing.

Is it out?

Yeah, it's out.

Yeah, it's on

patreon.com.

Either TAFS, hey, now we get special treatment by Patreon, so I got them to add a couple URLs.

So you can go to patreon.com slash T-A-F-S, patreon.com slash the Adam Friedland show,

or just patreon.com/slash come town.

So you're going to want to go check that out.

Honestly,

I'm very happy and excited about it.

Yeah.

I watched it in bed that night at 1.30 a.m.

on my I have a I set up a projector in my bedroom and I watched the whole thing and I was and Nick and I were live texting each other.

We're like

live texting as opposed to the other kind of texting.

No, writing letters.

I'm mostly a man of letters.

Yeah.

We were watching it at the same time live texting.

Yeah.

No,

I think

we've always had this facade of like we don't care.

This podcast is lazy.

Who cares?

I didn't see it finished until

basically it went up.

Our friend Stephen is editing it.

Our friend Steven's going to be editing the show.

And because of the way Vimeo works, it's easier for him to just upload it directly.

Oh, this was after Funny Moms.

Yeah, yeah, it was really.

We were fucking stressing out about it.

I wasn't stressing out about it.

Yeah,

Nick was more stressing than me, actually.

I don't know.

That's why he couldn't apologize, actually.

Anyway, but folks,

yeah, if you go there, we have a full, what is it, like an hour and 15-minute video.

It's not even a podcast.

Even the two seconds I saw of you unbuttoning his shirt.

No,

that's two.

That's two ago.

That's two ago.

Yeah.

This one's a step forward.

Wow.

This one's, yeah.

Truly, I think

we're showing progression.

I'm excited.

So, and Monday, guys,

we're going to have another thing, hopefully.

I do not overpromise.

It could very easily be

the most fantastic thing we've ever done.

But I'll tell you what, we need, for years, there was zero overhead to this show, and that was fine.

But

it costs money now.

So if you like this show, you want to see how crazy we can get, go to patreon.com slash T-A-F-S and sign up, and we would appreciate it.

And,

yeah, you got to go to the airport.

Jordan, thanks for joining us.

Check out Jordan at Albany at the Albany Funny Bone this weekend.

And I, again, will be in Irvine, California.

Yeah, and check me out in Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles.

It should be up on my website.

Hey, shout out to Justin, who came out to Hilarities.

Huge Come Town fan.

Amazing.

Stayed for my show.

Very sweet boy.

Thanks, folks.

Goodbye, everybody.

See you Monday.

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