Ep. X011 – TAFS Video Test 2

Ready to take advantage of an incredible deal at Mazda?

September is the final month of eligibility for federal $7,500 electric vehicle lease cash on the new Mazda CX70 and CX90 plug-in hybrid.

All Mazda current inventory is unaffected by new tariffs.

See your local Mazda dealer for details.

$7,500 electric vehicle lease cash offer expires at the end of September.

Don't miss out.

$7,500 lease customer cash good toward 2025 CX70 PHEV and CX90 PHEV when leasing through Mazda Financial Services.

Lease customer cash can be be combined with other public offers, including lease incentive offers.

Lease customer cash cannot be combined with APR or other customer cash offers.

Lease customer cash is not redeemable as cash or cash back option.

Lease customer cash is only available on approved credit.

Not all customers will qualify for credit approval or offer.

Limit 1 discount per customer per vehicle.

Lease customer cash offer only available in the United States regardless of buyer's residency.

Void or prohibited.

Apply within the lease structure as a capital cost reduction.

Lease customer cash is only available on participating Mazda dealer's current inventory, which is subject to availability.

Offer ends 9:30-2025, and you must take delivery prior to the expiration of offer.

See participating Mazda dealer for complete details.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

Video episode 9, Patreon, video episode number 1.

Test episode.

Video test 2.

Video test 2.

Barger.

This time, well, I don't know when the.

You might be up now, so maybe talk to the camera.

Oh, I'm talking to the camera, okay.

Yeah,

this is a whole new world for me, actually, right now.

My eyeliner should be like a little bit up.

Because if you're looking directly in the camera, it creeps people out.

We'll figure this out later.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to...

You can say it now.

You're on.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show.

I'm your host, Adam Friedland.

The date, what is it?

August 3rd 2020.

I'm your producer.

And you're my producer, Nicholas Millions.

Guys, it's the Adam Friedland Show, ladies and gentlemen, and we're live here from the Matrix.

No, folks, it's CGI, computer-generated imagery, a trick of the camera.

It's fake.

But let me ask you this.

Is it any more fake than the absolute clown world that we're living in now?

Because

we must be living in a fake circus world if Donald Trump is walking free.

Donald Trump, the mastermind behind the greatest and deadliest attack on American democracy, the grand plot to destroy America, the rape of the Capitol, the racist insurrection of all insurrections, a crime so grave and broad, it makes the Holocaust look like a, like, I don't know,

okay.

It makes the Holocaust look like common shoplifting.

It's not.

What?

What's the problem with that?

I don't know about that copy.

Okay.

If you haven't been paying attention.

Sorry, so just so we're clear, well, and again,

we got to start.

I know.

Yeah, and

obviously it's my fault.

I'm the one that's writing it wrong.

But just so I know, because I'm not, you know,

I just need a telepro.

If you hold it.

It's not a complaint, but, you know, if I could get...

Oh, I think.

Where is it?

I got it.

I got it.

All right.

It's not a complaint, but if you could give me, if you could air this feedback, because we finished recording and then you leave.

And I stay here and I clean everything up.

And

if you had notes for the next time, you know, like, hey, don't talk about the Holocaust.

It seems like we were talking about the Holocaust.

I know, but at this, I'm saying in that,

we're saying that the Holocaust is bad.

Yeah, but I feel like we should move on from the Holocaust.

Not culturally, but as a reference point.

What would you, if you wanted to say, because look, it's your show, it's your voice.

You want to express how bad the January 6 is.

Is it worse or better than the Holocaust?

Well, you said it makes the Holocaust look like common shoplifting, so that actually diminishes the.

But that's how bad January 6 is.

Yeah, but I don't think it's worse than.

Okay, let's keep going with the Hololes.

Okay, I'm sorry.

All right, for now.

I don't have to apologize.

I don't want to know.

From now on, I'm going to say the Holocaust was the greatest crime, the greatest thing that's ever happened.

Is that what you want?

Not the greatest thing that's ever happened.

Quite the opposite.

It's like the sliced bread of crimes.

Is that what we're going for?

In terms of crimes, it's the greatest thing.

Sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

But it's not the greatest thing in general.

It's the worst thing.

It's the World War I of crimes, basically.

I don't know about that.

Why?

Okay.

Let's keep going.

Well, I'm saying, if you think about all wars, World War I, probably the worst.

Yeah.

So the Holocaust is the World War I of

in the way of crimes.

I don't know about this shirt also.

But you picked it out.

That was your shirt.

Well, I just, I don't know.

I was excited in the store, but I don't know.

I didn't realize it was a notorious BIG shirt.

Yeah, it's a different picture.

Do we have clearance for that?

We might have to get the editor to make him white.

All right, let's

change all of these to Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Do we have clearance for that?

Yeah, of course.

She's public domain.

Once somebody dies, they're public domain.

He's dead, too.

Well, you get into a weird territory in terms of owning a black person.

I might want to reason.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

You're bringing that up.

Yeah, that's true.

All right.

Especially if you're going to lecture me about

the Holocaust as if I'm not like, you know, like I know,

I've heard of people that have died.

I went to the museum, so it affects me as much as it does a Jewish person.

I don't want to.

Okay, I just want to work on it.

I walked through the museum.

The emotions that you can access as far as the Holocaust is concerned.

Yes, I may be just some Irish fucking faggot or whatever, but I wouldn't say that.

I've been to the Holocaust Museum, and I had an emotional connection there.

In the gift shop, they sell little passports of the victims.

You like that part?

I did.

I thought that was cool.

It's like you're Jason Bourne.

You can open it up.

You can have eight passports.

I thought it was really cool.

Yeah, you could do that.

You could show a Holocaust

at the border.

I died in the Holocaust.

Actually, my name is

Daniel Finkelbaum.

I was born in 1919.

My name is Masha Rosenblum.

Yeah, exactly.

And my father was upset that I was leaving the secret annex to go learn how to read at the library against his wishes.

Yeah, exactly.

And now I've killed all of us by trying to learn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was all her fault.

Okay, so

should we go back to the monologue group?

Don't worry, because we must be living in a fake circus world if Donald Trump is walking free.

Donald Trump, the mastermind behind the greatest and deadliest attack on American democracy, the grand plot to destroy America, the rape of the Capitol, the racist insurrection of all insurrections, a crime so grave and broad, it makes the Holocaust look like common shoplifting.

Okay, let's just move on.

It's a test.

This isn't the actual show.

We don't have the set yet, but you can't see where I am.

Okay.

So

just, guys, we haven't bought a teleprompter.

We bought two.

We tried with the iPad, but then he couldn't see it from this side of the room.

And if you notice, we're in the smaller room because this is the one with the green screen.

Right.

This is the second room where we film remotes, sketches.

Anyway, okay.

We don't have, we will see.

Okay.

So I'll go from the last century.

Okay.

Maybe you try the line.

I'm not going to be pushy, but try the line one more time to see if

I thought that would be the big deal.

Donald Trump, the mastermind behind the greatest attack.

This line is sort of the Holocaust of the monologue because it's the best part.

Okay.

All right.

I'm not going to take that bait, but okay.

We'll just continue.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Donald Trump, the mastermind behind the greatest and deadliest attack on American democracy, the grand plot to destroy the American Capitol, the rape of the the Capitol, the racist insurrection of all insurrections, a crime so grave and broad it makes the Holocaust look like common shoplifting.

I don't know if that's a guy.

Okay.

Okay.

Now,

okay.

Now, if you haven't been paying attention to the January 6th hearings, I don't blame you.

They're hard to stomach.

It probably makes me feel as revolted as Stormy Daniels did when she saw Donald Trump's penis, which she refuses to say is small for some reason, but we all know it is.

In fact, she doesn't even have to say it.

I know my penis is bigger than Donald Trump's.

It's pretty good.

I don't know.

That's an applause, not a laugh.

I'm going to do a lot of this kind of stuff.

You should feel yourself.

Yeah, I've got to start feeling myself.

Getting used to the camera.

Okay.

Sorry, one second.

Okay.

I'm not saying it's big, but it's definitely bigger than his.

This is more your speed, penis stuff.

Penis stuff.

We'll make a note.

Less Holocaust, more penis.

Center left, besides the anti-Semitic line.

The hearings wrapped up last week with the select committee taking a break on the issue for the summer, because I guess

something as important as democracy can't wait until beach season is over.

That's funny.

Sorry, my finger.

We're going to have to pad the rafters this one.

I feel like this manoeuvre is going to be

padded.

It's not a very good one.

We're going to sweeten it a bit.

We shouldn't have pissed off that Tucker guy, I think.

Yeah, well, he's going to be a little bit more.

I mean, he was calling

more sound

stuff.

This is about as good as it gets.

We're going to find our voice.

Don't worry.

This is a test state, though.

Okay.

And the latest development is a bombshell, folks.

And then

we'll have like a.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that note's going to the editor.

Okay.

He'll throw all that.

Okay, cool.

Alex Jones has accidentally sent all of his text messages and emails to opposing counsel.

And now they're being requested by the committee, which can only mean one thing.

Alex Jones is about to go to prison for life.

And that could not make me any happier.

Which brings us to today's theme, folks.

Spite.

Spite.

Spite.

Puts put a little you want spite.

Is it really that bad to be spiteful?

I'm not out here trying to be a good person after all.

I'm a progressive, woman-minded and sexually conscious, rape-hating liberal.

I love gay people.

I love trans people.

I'm not supposed to have room

in my heart.

Wait, room in my heart.

Oh, for spite.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not, it just says I'm not supposed to have room in my heart.

Maybe that was a Freudian slip.

I don't think you have room in your.

Go ahead.

Keep going.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But often I find myself fantasizing about getting revenge on people I've never even met.

Some things I'll never.

Some things I'll just make

Some things I'll just make them up whole.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

This is a clumsy.

I'm sorry for that clumsy read

go ahead yeah I mean sorry if you don't want to do it we can I don't know okay we're already we're already at 12 minutes for the monologue but we don't have a guest this time so I feel like it's uh we got to pad things out with the monologue we're gonna have to pad we're gonna have to pad

Dan really carried the show on Sunday

at patreon.com slash come town for now.

Okay.

If you want to check that out, we had a lot of of fun.

Also, coming up two weeks, I will be at Irvine, California, the Irvine Improv.

I'll be there.

We are trying to move these tickets.

I'm either having Mike Racine or Brandon Mordell open.

I forgot.

That's fun.

I forgot who I requested, but please come on out, folks.

I'm going to want to check that out.

The Irvine Improv in Irvine, California.

Tickets are on sale now.

You can check my website.

You can check their website.

You can check my social media.

I'll be posting about about it on social media.

That's a place you can find it.

Tell your friends.

Irvine Improv.

Irvine, California.

It's about 45 minutes away from Los Angeles.

It's in the Orange County.

If you're in Los Angeles, you want to come to a comedy show, drive on down 45 minutes outside of Rush Hour.

Easy.

The shows are, what, seven, eight o'clock?

That's driving down there,

you're getting the tail end of Rush Hour at most.

You'll be in the streets.

Maybe you'll be a little bit pissed off from driving, but

you've driven.

And it's done.

It's over.

Now you're ready to laugh.

And when you're driving home, rush hour is over.

You've forgotten all about it.

So it's

the Irvine Improv in Irvine, California, August, within the window of the 17th through the 22nd.

I can't remember the exact dates.

Go ahead and just to be safe, block off that whole period.

If you're a Los Angelino, you have access to a large network of your Latino family or your underground midnight club car racing friends.

Tell them about it.

I want the vibe of the show to be like the beginning of Fast and the Furious.

They're hot girls.

Right, yeah.

I want a Korean girl with a tiny hat turned sideways and a wife beater.

And she's

calling everyone the N-word.

I know she says it.

She not only says it, she embodies it.

She's the kind of person that they made that word for.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

At the Irvine Improv.

All right.

Irvine, California.

Check it out.

All right.

Back to the monologue.

Some things.

Oh, shit.

It locked.

Okay.

Some things.

I'll just make up whole cloth.

I think there was an extra word in that sentence.

That's why it was good.

Probably.

I mean, I just wrote it.

You just wrote it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll think of a man.

You know how long it took to get this fucking thing up on the bottom?

It took a long time, folks.

Yeah, okay.

Never mind these goddamn cameras.

Yeah, I know.

We spent a lot of money.

And the lenses from Ukraine don't seem to be that good.

This one's kind of fucked up.

That one's fucked up.

Yeah.

We're going to have to fix that for the next one, folks.

Anyway, I'll think of a man driving a big truck with dark clouds of smoke pouring from his chrome towers, and I'll imagine myself getting into an altercation with him, finding myself surprisingly agile in combat, removing his pants, and exposing his small penis and balls to an audience of my vegan LGBT and Indian Uyghur friends.

My therapist says this is a spiteful mentality and that it's bad, but honestly, it makes me happy.

And if it makes me happy and results in me voting correctly, what's the harm in it?

So today on the Adam Freeland Show, we discuss spite.

What is it?

Oh, sorry.

Spite.

What?

Okay.

Fuck man.

Can we just retake this?

Can we retake the whole thing?

No, why?

Because I fucked up the monologue again.

Do you really want to do the whole thing over again?

I mean, I just, I can't fuck up the monologue every fucking episode.

Do you seriously want to redo it?

I don't know.

What do you think?

I think it's fine.

You think it's fine?

Yeah.

Alright.

If you want, I mean, you can hate the monologue, but what's...

It's just embarrassing that people think that I can't read.

Trust me, they want to see the learning process.

They want to see you.

Okay.

You know, I'll tell you, I got a trick.

After this, I got a trick that we're going to figure out how to make this work.

What's that?

So just power through, finish the monologue up, and then we'll get you going again, and then we'll take another shot of the monologue.

Okay.

Write it on the fly.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, cool.

So today.

So today on the Adam Friedland show, we discussed spite.

What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Oh, it was an ellipse.

No, it's absolutely dot dot dot.

Nothing.

I think the ellipse is after the nothing.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Absolutely nothing.

That's the way we ended the last one.

The theme of the last one was war.

Yeah, and then I said, what is it good for?

War, spite.

Absolutely nothing.

Nothing?

Question mark.

So today on the Adam Freelanch Show, the theme is spite.

What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing?

Yeah, like that.

There you go.

Okay, so

you're upset about

it.

It's my bad.

Oh, it's alright.

The writing wasn't there.

That's fine.

It's not about the writing, dude.

It's just embarrassing to fumble through these monologues, and this is something we want to institute on the new show.

Do you want to start writing the monologues?

I mean, I can, I can, yeah, we can write the, you know, I can write them, I can send them to you, you can punch money.

Yeah, I thought, yeah, I didn't know you, I thought you didn't want to be doing anything other than just on-camera stuff.

No, I mean,

this is a collaborative experience.

Okay,

I want to collab.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, if you want to write the monologues, yeah, we'll

do it.

I want to collab.

Yeah.

I think it's collab.

I think it's one of the Indian holidays, so most of the

room is out for the next.

I know.

I know.

You know, I mean, they rented an elephant, so

they're going to be busy.

Yeah, but they'll be back to work.

Yeah, they'll be back to work.

But to get you more comfortable,

we need to just, this needs to feel natural to you.

So why don't you, why don't you give us a little bit of your stand-up?

I don't want to do stand-up right now.

I don't want to do stand-up right now for an empty room, and you are just one man's look at no.

I don't want to do that.

I think that's

embarrassing.

I think it's not only...

I don't want to do that.

It's not only what the audience wants.

I don't want to do that right now.

It's what you want.

No, it's not what I want here right now.

I'm trying to point to your heart, but I don't want to.

It's right here.

It's here.

Stop it.

That's where it is.

That's not what I want to do right now.

No, I want to

do what the show is.

This is an exercise, dude.

It's honestly, we're not going to burn any material.

I know you're on the road a lot.

You're working on new stuff.

We're not going to do anything.

I've been on the road since February.

Well, you're going out, and

you're going to want to be the best comic.

That's a different thing.

Everyone's saying you're going to release

the best YouTube special anyone's ever seen.

I thought we were going to be able to do that.

It's going to get 2.6, let's say, 9 million views.

And everyone's going to love it.

So don't worry about the new material.

Let's do some of the older stuff.

This is what I need to practice, folks.

I need to get better at fake laughter.

Not that I'll be laughing fakely, but I've seen your act.

So I'm familiar with the jokes.

That's the only reason I wouldn't be laughing.

But I need to practice fake laughter because that is my job as a producer.

I shouldn't be letting you sit here and you struggle through this monologue because I know I've seen it all.

It's really a struggle.

So I need to...

That's something.

I hadn't read through it yet.

Your hands look kind of swollen.

Have you been using heroin?

No.

For years?

Why is it swollen?

Oh, I don't know.

Why'd you point out my hands?

You know that I have an insecurity.

I don't know.

They look like edematic, maybe.

What do you mean, edematic?

Like

edematous.

What does that mean?

Like there's an edema.

Like you have an edema and they look like they're filled with fluid.

Oh, I have not been using heroin.

Thank you.

Okay, yeah.

Unless you've been giving it to me in those pills.

No, I think it's only from

using intravenous drugs for years.

No, I don't know.

Pills just keep you sharp.

I don't shoot.

Everybody takes them.

I don't shoot up.

Okay.

All right.

I'm just asking.

So

let's do some of your.

Why don't you?

How about this?

We'll figure a bid out for you.

We'll write you a new hour right now.

Okay.

And then, and then don't even think about it in terms of monologue or top of the show.

You're just doing stand-up.

Okay.

So, what's something that's happened this week in your life that you want to kind of Seinfeld out?

I've

been getting into washing my hands with cold water.

How's that?

Is that good?

I don't know.

It's maybe a little condescending, but it seems condescending.

You're going like this, too.

I don't know how to fake that.

That's good.

There we go.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Cold water.

Yeah, cold water.

Come on.

Yeah.

Come on.

My whole life, I've been washing my hands with

hot water.

It feels like you're cleaning better.

Sure.

But in this heat,

I read that.

Now I'm bringing out my hands again.

It's the opposites.

What is it?

I was washing my hands.

When it's cold out, I'm washing my hands with warm water.

When it's hot out, I'm washing them with cold water.

Cold water.

What the hell is it?

Yeah.

Opposite day?

Yeah, what the hell?

How's that?

That's good, right?

Yeah.

Don't you feel more comfortable now?

Not really.

No.

No.

This isn't.

Next bit.

What's the next one?

Sure.

Get some buttons open.

I'm just opening it.

No, it's open.

What's the next thing that's going on in your life?

So what's the premise with the cold, the sh the kitchen sink, the washing your hands?

Well, the premise is, yeah, it's that now that it's hot outside,

I prefer washing my hands with cold water.

Sure?

Yeah.

And when it's cold outside, it feels better washing your hands with hot water.

Right.

And there's a sign.

You don't have to open up the water.

I got it.

Don't worry about it.

I'm doing my job.

Okay.

So what is the premise?

What is the actual joke?

Is it that you're just washing your hands with cold water?

And that's relatable to people?

Well, yeah, it's relatable with this heat, I think.

Because it's hot out.

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels like

what it feels like is like,

you know, you don't why the fuck the w why are we washing our hands?

I guess we should mind the Kurz words.

Why the hell are we washing our hands with fucking

hot water in the goddamn summer?

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

It's dead of winter, you're eating fucking ice cream?

That's that's that's yeah, that's what I was getting at.

Let me ask you this.

How the fuck the Eskimos wash their hands?

What, with just cold water?

Why don't you drop the whole thing?

How about like they gotta be the dirtiest motherfuckers on earth?

Exactly.

Do you think they're boiling a pot of water every time they take a shit?

Fuck no.

They're wiping with a dead fish and going right back in the ice hut.

What do they call it?

An igloo?

Yeah,

why is that the one word we know of Eskimo?

We just found out what the house is.

We don't got names for any other shit.

What else?

It's like the other thing that

fucking

whatever, the John Smith of the Arctic showed up to the Eskimos and he's like, hey, I guess we'll do a diplomatic thing for five minutes.

What do you call that thing?

Well, igloo.

All right, cool.

Well, give us your women.

Did we steal their women?

For sure.

Get that fucking, that hot blubber pussy.

Because you know they got the hottest pussies, probably.

Eskimos?

Yeah.

They got it.

That's got to be five.

That's probably where they wash their hands.

Well, it's that, and then

they all fuck the same women.

And

say that that's what you're saying.

You go out.

And then you eviscerate a fucking sea lion in the middle of your igloo, and then before you eat, you wash your hands in your wife's hot pussy.

And your hot, yeah, hot pussy.

And then your friend.

Her antibacterial pussy.

And then your friend friend sleeps with her.

Yeah.

And then they're like, now we're brothers.

Now we're brothers.

Yeah.

How do they know in Eskimo world the difference between regular brother and guy that fuck the same hot pussied Eskimo?

Imagine you're on stage.

You're on stage in front of an audience.

You're on tour.

That's the Adam Friedland show tour.

This isn't kind of, yeah.

2023.

All right, yeah.

Someone else.

On stage, yeah.

They're like, yeah, how do they know?

How do the Eskimos know?

And you're a professional comedian, you have to answer the question.

I guess siblings would have the same parents.

That's true, but that's just sort of an accurate answer rather than being like a joke thing.

Yeah.

You could say something like, how do you know,

how do you know when to stop?

fucking jacking off because you your body produces no calm, sir.

Oh, you have to go back at them.

Yeah, you imagine these at like a crowd work.

Yeah, because that's the big thing now: these crowd work videos.

Yeah, they're cool.

We're gonna get you some cool shoes.

We're gonna get you some cool shoes to wear.

We're going to get you cool shoes and we're going to get you a TikTok account.

You could be a guy with cool shoes that does crowd work.

Yeah, that was a good idea.

I think that would sell.

It's going to do well, dude.

You got a lot of these guys, a lot of these assholes doing crowd work.

You don't have a lot of them wearing women's

shoes.

That's the thing.

You want to make it a comedy now.

You got to have cool shoes.

You got to have a really cool shoe.

Because when we were talking about this,

a lot of these comments, they're like,

what kicks are you wearing?

You got to wear a ticket.

No, a lot of them are like, bro, I'm wearing women's.

You need a baggy shirt, tight-ass fucking pants, cool shoes.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you just do cracks.

Rips with a lot of rips on them.

And I tell you, there's nothing spiteful about that.

There's nothing spiteful than

spending $200 on dumb shoes to

make fun of TikTok comedy, but whatever.

I kept the receipts.

No, yeah, I kept the receipts, too.

I'm going to be

returning.

The receipt keepers.

So I guess it's not that spiteful if you keep the receipts.

Yeah, no, it's not.

We're just bringing different looks to the audience right now.

Yeah.

And it's kind of like, you know, I'm on,

you're over here.

Right.

Normally when we've been doing this six years, we're like huddled.

Yeah.

It's kind of a weird dynamic.

If I seem awkward right now, I'm kind of getting used to it.

Well, there's going to be video.

Everybody's saying, if you want the video, you're going to have to go to patreon.com for this.

Slash Cometown for this one.

And that's not because we're being dickheads in terms of like what's free and what's not free, even though you will get the audio of this for free.

It's because we got a fucking strike against this immediately.

On YouTube.

On YouTube.

The first Adam Friedland show episode we put on there.

It got content striked for something.

Yeah, well, you were saying

the virus was.

But then other people take it and they just re-upload it and they don't have an issue.

So somebody like at YouTube, I guess, has a problem with Adam Friedland.

But

until I know what's going on with YouTube, because once you get three strikes, you're fucking done.

So I don't want to get a second one before we can even get this thing off the ground.

So for now, we start a new channel, start off.

Yeah.

Clean slate, zero strikes.

Right, for now you want the video to this, you're going to have to.

It's going to have to be on.

It's going gonna have to be on paper.

But when we have the setup, we reveal the actual show.

This is a camera test.

Yeah.

Then

we will be switching over to YouTube.

Yeah.

To a free model.

Yeah.

We'll make sure to put the Go Bananas logo, just the stage, up here for this whole thing.

Really?

And then we'll call this the Adam Freeland Crowdwork Hour.

Live from Cincinnati.

Yeah, this is going to be a spiteful crowd work show.

But this time with a role reversal, where now the audience

has the tight pants and the cool shoes.

Yeah, comedian destroyed.

Comedian destroyed by a guy wearing really cool clothes.

By a man wearing bike shorts and women's shoes.

Where'd you get all this shit, huh?

Where'd you get the nice clothes?

You certainly didn't buy them where I bought my clothes.

I bought them at H ⁇ M.

Where'd you get that?

At a dumpster outside of the Salvation Army?

No, about the colours.

Where people throw stuff out?

This is is the biggie smalls line.

This guy looks like a finance guy and a computer programmer.

Fucking...

They went to San Francisco together and they said, give me the...

Let's just have a baby, dude.

This guy's like a mashup between...

Everyone was laughing at me.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, guys.

Come on, what do you don't laugh at him?

You're paying to see me.

Are you here with your girlfriend?

No, my girlfriend's at home.

Ah!

This guy's here alone.

Are you kidding me?

I'm a here.

You came to your own traveling to do it.

You came to your own comedy show alone?

Well, I wouldn't bring my girlfriend.

I mean, like, this isn't really what our relationship is about.

Yeah.

We just live together and share our lives outside of this together.

Very much so.

So what's going on?

What's the movie review corner?

This is Adam's movie review.

I just saw.

I just saw Nope.

Oh, did you?

For real?

I saw Nope.

How was it?

Tell me about it.

Tell me about Nope because I don't understand what the movie's about.

I saw Get Out, and so now I think every movie that comes out is like, it's Ghostbusters, but about how fucking black people can't get a damn job.

Is that the premise?

Engage with me.

Tell me.

No, no, no, no, I don't think.

So tell me what it is.

It has a job.

It's about black cowboys.

It's black cowboys.

They live in the inland cowboy.

One of the cowboys is George Floyd or something.

There's always a...

No.

I think it was more of a metaphor about technology.

It was a metaphor about technology, but black technology.

So it's like blackberry people.

It was just black tooth headsets.

Blackberry people.

But you know what I mean.

No, I think...

Okay, listen.

No, yeah, okay, so the film is premised that there's a guy that him and his father run a horse business.

Have any of their favorite technologies like lasted the test of time

Cadillac El Dorado well I was going to say eight tracks

Bluetooth headsets Blackbird extinct extinct I mean I guess all gone is not Bluetooth heads like they were like I love Steve Jobs like they weren't you know they weren't full on with the Apple Bluetooth technology has been just incorporated and into white technology yeah but I mean this you know I guess the AirPods are the AirPods are just Bluetooth headsets for white people and so we're like Bose head you know whatever Yeah, but nobody walks around with a set of Bose fucking Circle Moral headphones on taking a phone call.

I have.

Really?

Yeah.

Talk to my son.

You just look like an air traffic controller.

Yeah, I just walk my dog, take a phone call.

Yeah.

I'm listening to music, get a phone call.

Yeah.

Like that.

I saw a guy with

an older black gentleman with

the McDonald's drive-through headset.

Yeah, Janet Jackson.

Yeah, the fucking like the Logitech,

like playing free computer games.

EverQuest 2

headset, walking around, having a conversation.

Playing Modern Warfare.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, who the fuck is he talking to?

It's got to be just another guy with one of those headsets.

100%.

Yeah, yeah.

He's probably piped into it.

He probably figured out a way to like dial into his drive-thru job.

And he's like, bro, I don't even got to show up at the McDonald's anymore.

He's just taking orders.

Yeah, taking orders.

That's a smart

man.

Please move on down to window number two.

And he can just go about his life.

Yeah.

That makes sense to me.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

So Nope is about these, this guy and his father, they run a horse, they like they run an animal thing for Hollywood.

So they're like horse trainers, and they bring horses in for production.

Yeah.

And then his father dies mysteriously.

There's like a key that like

there are a bunch of like, whatever, a bunch of shit falls to the ground and uh kills his father so where is it coming from and then uh what they realize is like over this valley that they live in central like inland california let's i'm gonna you don't have to redo it but yeah at a certain point we're gonna have jordan peel is gonna come on the show yeah oh well then i like that movie yeah and uh you need to set we're gonna play a clip from the movie and you're gonna have to set it up let's can we get adam surrounded by steven can we get adam surrounded by black people for this section i don't know about that we're gonna have Jordan Peale on the show so you need to imagine this is his audience it's not his audience everyone likes get out

Stephen can we get black and white people surrounding Adam all types of people yeah

Chinese just get a fucking get a kind of a United Nations kind of yeah yeah general assembly kind of

sure get a fucking Apple commercial put it on behind them the point is is that we're gonna have Jordan Peale on he's sitting where I'm sitting or he's sitting over here somewhere.

Yeah, but I'm going to get a bit of a single.

He's got a beanbag chair or something.

And

what I want is you're going to set it up like Charlie Rose.

Imagine you're Charlie Rose and you're trying to get people hyped about it.

And maybe I'll do maybe I'll do the voice.

Maybe I feel now my.

I got to be Charlie Roseman.

Do you have to be Charlie Rose?

You have to be Jordan Peale.

Okay, I'll be Jordan Peale.

Yo.

Yeah.

Jordan Peale, thank you for joining me today.

Ain't no damn problem, Playboy.

Filmmaker, sketch comedian.

Who's on first?

One season member of the show Mad TV.

Jordan Peale joined me.

Kim Peel, much better show, by the way.

Very good show.

Yeah.

Very good show.

Yeah.

Jordan Peale

is releasing the new film Nope,

which is in theaters all over the country.

Jordan, the film speaks to a lot of our

modern condition, much like your other pictures.

Sure.

Is that not correct?

Yes, but I think you forgot what the purpose of this exercise was.

Oh, is that I had to toss a...

No, you have to set up the movie in a way where you're actually excited to talk about it, kind of like not in a lackadaisical way, just describing the movie to me, your friend Nick, who

doesn't give a fuck what the movie is about in my personal life.

I can just go look it up or I can go see the movie if I want to.

For the sake of the audience, audience.

Remember, we're in show business now.

What do you want to get a couple more of these buttons open?

Okay.

You know, do we need the

do we need the do you need the bump?

Of what?

Drugs?

No, I don't want to do drugs.

It's embarrassing.

If you need it, it's not the 1980 show.

No,

this will be funny.

This kind of vibe.

Okay, but we still have an audio.

This is primarily an audio format.

Folks, I know you're at home pulling your damn hair out, saying, just tell us what Nope is about.

I know it's not going to be funny,

but tell us what it's about so we can move on to the next failed bit.

Yeah.

And

we can feel better about burning ourselves out trying to figure out how the cameras work on it.

And how to get the...

And then go shopping.

Yeah, well, you know, I had to go shopping.

Okay.

My next guest is Jordan Peale, who joins me.

He's just released his.

Let's go ahead and we're going to cut right to the

and I'm not doing Charlie Rose.

I'm Charlie Rose's producer.

Yeah, my brother.

Colonel other Charlie.

Curly.

The milkman.

Curly Rose.

It's Charlie and Curly.

Curly Rose.

It's Cully.

C-U-H-L-L-I-E.

Cully.

Cully.

Cully.

This is my brother Cullet.

And I get pussy.

And he gets the pussy.

Don't mistake me for some non-pussy-getting.

Okay.

You know why they call us Rose?

Because ain't enough.

You can't press the pedals hard enough trying to drive to Pussytown where we live.

Yeah, that's right.

The gas pedal.

There's two pedals.

The gas, that takes you to Pussytown.

That's where we live.

The brakes, that stops.

That stops the car.

Right.

At your house, at the non-pussy gate house.

But the rose pedals, that's the gas.

That's how you get to

pussy city by this point.

Population.

Population.

Every bitch you've ever met.

At every bitch.

I've had her.

I've had her.

I've had her.

She's been mine for an evening, sometimes in the afternoon, sometimes breakfast.

Yeah.

What's the earliest you ever fucked a woman?

4.15 a.m.

at the Greyhound Bus Depot in Austin, Texas.

Oh, I guess I guess.

Homeless woman outside.

Technically, 12.01, right after midnight.

I've had sex.

That doesn't count.

That's still nighttime.

But it's the earliest.

Okay, whatever.

Regardless.

I'm thinking about getting a manicure after this.

I feel like women don't let me put my hands in their bodies anymore because of how dirty my fingers are.

Yeah, you should.

And I don't know how to clean them.

Well, you could get a nail clipper.

I'm just going to start using nail polish.

Now that that's okay, I'm doing that.

Instead of washing my fucking hands, every time I'm trying to clean them in some Eskimo bitch.

Yeah, that's right.

She's saying, you got to wash your hands before putting your hands in my pussy.

And I said, well, what the fuck do you think I'm trying to do?

Do you want to use a gutted halibut?

Yeah.

Give me that whale blubber.

Give me some.

I've got to get in there.

I need to get in there.

Thank you for just repeating the exact thing.

Yeah, they're repeating that.

Yeah.

Just saying.

Same.

Same, same exact.

Same thing.

Yeah.

Why don't we do this?

Why?

You can sit right here on my knee and just be a vengeful.

I'm just going to sit on your line.

Okay.

All right.

Maybe one of these days.

Okay.

Anyway, so yeah.

Oh, my next guest is Jordan Peale, who's releasing his third picture.

Jordan Peale, recently out of prison after doing 20 years for murder.

I don't know if that's the same guy.

Maybe that's just a look he has.

I don't know.

I don't know.

He's

a pretty normal guy.

Spent 15 years on Death Row.

Falsely accused

of murdering

two little white girls.

A dead man Hawkins.

Dead man Hwalkin.

Falsely accused of murdering two white girls.

Let me ask you this.

Your next movie is perhaps going to be Star Trek, but with like a green mile element?

Yes.

Oh, I'm Jordan Peele.

Sure.

Now you're Jordan Rose.

What's going on?

I'm Charlie.

I'm Cully Rose.

You're Jordan Rose.

This shirt's just not pretty.

And I'm Charlie Peel.

Okay.

So I'm Charlie Rose, but I'm a black filmmaker.

And I'm

Curly Peel?

You're Curly Peel.

And I'm your brother.

And we're brothers, but in the Eskimo sense.

And that's how we got the last name Rose, is because we fucked so many women.

Yeah.

We've had them.

We stole their flowers.

Yeah.

Virgins.

They call me Andy from Toy Story.

Why is that?

Because every bitch, they have my name tattooed on the bottom of her foot.

My name's Cully, but all the women I make them get.

I thought I was Cully.

But I'm...

I'm pitching lines to you, it's Cully.

I got you, I got you, I got you.

They say, my name's Cully, but they call me Andy from Toy Story.

That's correct.

Because every bitch I've had, they'll make them tattooed myself.

I've had them all.

They all have Buzz Lightyear written on the bottom of the bottom.

They all got Buzz Lightyear written on the bottom.

Go ahead.

What?

What were we talking about?

I don't know.

I mean, I hope Steven can do something with this.

It's on you now, Stephen.

Steven, we're dying.

Steven, you got to save the Adam Freeland show.

Okay.

You think it'd be cooler if I...

No, only I can wear that headphones cool because I got a hat.

I got a cool hat that I'm wearing.

This?

Yeah.

I can't really hear you.

Maybe.

We got to figure out some kind of...

We should get little secret service things to your things.

I was thinking that right before we started.

Yeah.

With a wire.

A little pigtail wire.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That'd be so cool.

We'll wear them around New York City.

And we can be in the same room together.

It'll be just you and me.

And I'll say, go for Nick.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I'll say,

what do you say?

Go for Nick?

Yeah.

And I say...

Adam to two.

Switching.

Switching.

Switching.

Switching.

Go for Adam.

Go for Adam.

Okay.

So what are we here to talk about?

So yeah.

Jordan Peele's movie Nope.

Yeah, Jordan.

And remember, the theme of of the show is spite.

I'm doing like a visual thing, so

you got to be spiteful in your actions.

Okay.

Do we have any ads?

No, no ads this week.

Come on, keep it going.

Show business.

You're on stage.

You're performing right now.

The cameras are supposed to put more pressure on you.

I know.

I hate to do a tough love thing, but

I'm used to it.

You got to bring it together here.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Who the the fuck is this calling me?

Pick it up.

I can't.

This is the watch.

You don't take phone calls on your watch?

No, it's fucked up.

I got water in there or something.

I was taking an Epsom salt bath, and I think I fucked up the microphone.

Why'd you take the bath?

It's good for my legs.

It's good for your legs.

Yeah.

What else is good for your legs?

A cycle.

These boots.

These boots are made for fucking.

That's what I'm going to do.

That's what I tell women.

They say, why are you wearing gay clothes?

Yeah.

Are you a gay man?

I said, Come here, I'll pro I'll show you who's gay.

And then I don't get hawed.

I'm like, Yes, it's'cause you you're actually you're busted.

Now give me your take your shoes off.

I'm writing my fucking name on it.

I'm writing Randy on the bottom of your foot.

Not buzzed like

they call me, you know, they used to call me Sid from Toy Story'cause I cut women up and rearrange their body parts.

Really?

I make a per I made I'm making a perfect woman in my house.

What what's the what's the feet?

The feet are from uh

ancient foot-binded Chinese.

Chinese tiny.

Yeah.

How small?

Well, they were kept in their bonsai feet.

They kept them in thimbles from when they were an embryo.

They use chopsticks to insert a thimble into the mother's pussy.

Wow.

And they encapsulate the feet in the first trimonster.

Wow.

So when the baby comes out, it's got little thimble feet.

Wow.

And they just

stay on there.

Really?

Until the woman is ready to be fucked at age 12.

Feet come off, delivered to the husband.

Bubble wrap.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah.

Okay.

They call me Wikipedia Rose.

What kind of legs?

Huh?

What kind of legs?

Yeah.

Chopsticks.

Chopsticks.

Yeah.

Chopsticks, embryo feet.

Yeah.

And then there's just a big, sloppy Mississippi torso.

Mississippi torso.

No,

but not even.

Not even so flat-chested but fat that it just looks like another stomach roll.

Right, fat, but like not even with nipples on the front.

Yeah, no.

Flat ass.

No ass.

Pankhill ass.

Pankhill ass.

What kind of pussy?

Eskimo blovers.

Just our body looking like a cartoon pile of dog shit.

Just like, you know,

like a baby's stack of teething rings.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

That's what the body looks like.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

Okay.

And what kind of head are you going to do?

Like the brave little toaster?

But as a as a girl?

But the whole head of the the whole brave little toaster is a head.

But she's got like a bow on it or something to show that it's a girl?

No, no, no.

But it's r highly reflective, so you can look into your own eyes while you fuck her.

Like the brave little toaster.

Yeah.

Is that what happens?

And then after you come, bing, toaster's ready.

Guess right.

Guess she's having a nice grilled cheese sandwich.

That's right.

Me.

Yeah.

Andy from Toy Store.

You can't really make a grilled cheese in a toaster.

You can when it's a fucking Eskimo woman.

When you put the cheese in her pussy.

When it's that woman and you got your cheese in there.

Oh, you put the cheese in her pussy.

The pussy comes out and you suck the cheese into her pussy.

You put the bread that comes out of her brain

and then you stomp on her fucking...

That's smart.

You stomp on her pussy and then the guess who's got a grilled cheese sandwich.

I guess staying on the theme of spite,

do you think it's capable or you're capable or anyone's really capable of forgiving and forgetting?

Forgiving who?

The

person that you're feeling spiteful toward.

No, it's his job to apologize first.

But like, what if you did something wrong?

I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm just going to continue to take shots by silly wardrobe.

All right, all right.

I'm going to continue to take very subtle but specific shots.

Let's use the

example of the Holocaust, for instance.

That's right.

Yeah.

So

people say never forget, right?

But is it possible to forgive?

Forgive?

Yeah.

Hitler?

Yeah.

Or the country, Germany.

Did you forgive Hitler?

I mean, he's not really around, so I don't have a chance to forgive Hitler.

I see what you're saying, though, because sometimes now when these Nazi hunters are like, we found another one, and it's like a fucking 105-year-old guy.

It's like, bro, chill.

He's a corpse.

Chill.

You're still mad about the Holocaust?

I don't know about that.

I mean, I think you have to, you can't forget, right?

Yeah.

So that's what I was driving at, right?

You can forgive.

What?

But you don't necessarily have to forget.

You're some guy who's not going to be able to do that.

And maybe if you forget, it's a bad thing.

They cleaned the bathrooms at Auschwitz, and you got out.

You're living your life now.

If you have an iPhone, you shouldn't be going to jail for doing the Holocaust.

You know what I mean?

What if he was the Joseph Mengela of Holocaust?

They got all of those guys.

What if he's the worst janitor?

Every time they find one of these guys, what if he's the Holocaust of janitors?

What if he's the Mengela of janitors?

Yeah.

Do you think they're people with Down syndrome that worked in the Holocaust?

No, they put them in the camps, dude.

I think that's a myth.

They put mentally retarded people in the camps.

For sure.

I don't believe that, dude.

I don't like.

They put homosexuals, gypsies, Jews, political dissidents,

all of the ones except...

Like, I can't imagine, like, even Nazis when they're like...

They're like, oh, get in the train.

And a guy being like, okay, here we go.

You know, like, and them not being like, okay this is too far this is wrong yeah right because how is that your like political anime you're blaming that guy for the fucking post-World War one economy you think it's his fault that's why

that's why Germany is is fucking having trouble no it was because he oh what he ate too many cookies no it's about eugenics

right it's about eugenics it's about cleansing the cleansing the fatherland how about just all imperfect non-Aryans how about just look we're gonna kill all the ethnically unclean people people, but ladies, I know you're not going to do it, but don't fuck that guy and have a kid with him.

I don't think that it doesn't make sense.

Right, and it is kind of the same logic.

It's the same logic of that sketch that you wrote about the guy who sees his infant come out as mentally handicapped and then thinks that that man, that his wife has been cheating, right?

So if you put a mentally handicapped person in the camp, you're not cleansing people from having that recessive gene or whatever that causes mental retardation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

Exactly.

I see what you're saying.

Yeah.

So you think that the Nazis would have never put.

No.

I think those guys didn't even know World War II was happening.

I think they were just, they were put in like the

theater next to the one from Inglorious Bastards, and they put on fucking cars too.

And they just sat in there and they're like, oh, wife,

they're having fun, yeah.

Yeah.

Or they were doing janitorial services at Auschwitz.

Yeah, at Auschwitz.

I think that they had the prisoners doing that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's got to suck to be the Auschwitz guys who've got to clean the toilets and stuff.

Yeah, but you get like maybe in an extra food ration or something.

I think that's like a means of

trustee.

Yeah, of

collaborating a little bit.

Yeah.

If you know what I mean.

Are you getting looser?

You feel better on camera?

I mean, just standing here the whole time is not what the show is going to be.

yeah it is no it's not where i'm going to stand here i'm going to do the monologue that i've read before yeah you know i'm going to say it professionally i'm glad to hear that you want to you want to write the monologue from that i don't want to write the monologue i want to collabo on the monologue you know okay well i mean i've asked you for weeks on end it's like you know if you have if there's topics or something you want to talk about we can agree on a show topic and then we can like write something in the same room yeah just get it i'm familiar with what the copy is let me know how you

airdrop it to me on my phone and i have to read it off the notes app Let me know how you.

Well, look, I tell you, Friday, Verizon is going to be here.

They're going to install it.

We're going to have internet.

I'll get the printer in here.

We'll be able to print it out.

I got a monitor.

We'll set it up.

We'll get a TV.

Yeah.

We'll get the whole thing.

TV is every wall.

We blew through.

The cribs.

We got to wait until the payout this month.

Blew through all the money on wardrobe and cameras.

I know.

So

we get the printer.

You're going to have the monologue.

Next month.

Lighting, set.

Lighting, set.

Month after that, crew to operate all this shit so that you know we can actually do the show.

And hopefully, the timeline will be a little bit compressed.

Timeline will be compressed.

I, I, I don't think it'll be three months, I think it's gonna be I'm gonna have to go out of town.

I'll be in Irvine, California.

I'll tell you what, folks, if you're desperate for the show to get back on track where me and Adam can just work on creative stuff, I can hire the right people and just focus on producing the show, go to patreon.com/slash come town for now and sign up

for $5.

I also got to pull I gotta pull all the people at the higher tiers you get your name in the credits yes so I gotta pull those lists and send them over to Steven the executive producers I gotta send them over to Steven so he do we get a lot of con conversion over that I have no idea I haven't even checked and then half of them we can't include because their name is like Hank

like Hank

or Jeremy

you know yeah or some stupid joke from the artist like yeah

or Steven

sucks dig off or

Stephen Franklin Mint employee.

Also, I'm a, by the way.

That's one of the guys.

Yeah.

John Jacob Jingle Schmidt.

Yeah.

Adams' boyfriend.

John Jacob.

Jingle Schmidt.

What did you just say his name was?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's my name too.

Yeah.

Can you imagine?

That would be a weird name.

Can you imagine?

This is a new standout.

You're sitting.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Imagine if you met a guy named John Jacob Heimer Schmidt.

And you were like, what's your name?

And then the guy's like, I'm sorry, is your name John Jacob Heimer Schmidt?

Because my name is also John Jacob Heimer Schmidt.

I guess we're just a couple of

Heimer Schmidts.

Or are you of the Philadelphia Heimer Schmidt?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Very interesting.

What is that?

Is that German or African?

You know, it's actually neither.

At Ellis Island, my grandfather was being incredibly annoying.

Yeah.

And they made him that.

My grandfather's name was Bob Thomas.

Yeah.

It wasn't even a hard foreign-style name to say.

Because he kept trying to cut the line.

And he got shithead changed to Schmidt.

But the courts wouldn't let him change the rest of the name.

Every judge was the first to be able to do it.

The DM.

The DM,

I'm sorry.

I don't know if we can accept this,

what is it called?

Like a poll of.

What is it called?

The legal process to change your name?

I don't know.

Like you petition.

Yeah, petition the poll the

poll of the register.

You're unfortunately going to have to remain as Franz

jingle-faced shithead.

Schmidt.

Schmidt.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll change the last one to

call Ellis Island Insolence.

Anytime I think about Ellis Island, I imagine just like a big, like, open prison, but then with all the little shops from the Staten Island Ferry.

Yeah, like a placing in a pan.

And then, yeah, like a fucking

pan quotidity and all the French.

The French sandwich places?

Yeah.

Oh, are you tired?

No.

You sleepy?

No.

It was already five o'clock.

We've been here since noon.

No, we've been here earlier than that.

Yeah, yeah.

We got in this morning.

Did we?

Yeah, I mentioned BNH.

What do you want to do?

You want to get dinner after this?

I can get dinner after this.

Let's get, let's, just for the fans.

And I know, you're tired.

I'm not tired.

We can keep going.

You're sleeping.

I mean, it's just weird that you're sitting right now.

You're wearing women's shoes.

I'm standing up right now on a mark right now in front of the screen screen.

You know, I assume that the structure of the show is that I could deliver a monologue.

The audience.

That's why

We need camera operators so that you can sit down and it won't, you know, you're not going to be.

Because these are set up.

Everything's locked.

I know.

So we're going to have to.

Maybe we can pause and

just.

I don't know how to pause.

We don't, like, we're hoping these things record.

Last time the video.

Keep running it.

Well, we got new cameras for this episode.

Yeah, but you know how it goes.

Yeah.

Are the red lights still on?

Yeah, they're both still on.

Oh, okay.

Well,

what do you know?

What do you say?

What do you know?

Yeah.

So, I mean, here's.

Is there any way with with the green screen we can make it look like I'm jacking off

Captain Picard onto his face?

No?

Okay.

I mean, we don't know yet.

We don't know what it's going to look like.

Hey, everybody.

We're live on Star Trek.

Okay.

You a big fan of Star Trek?

You like Star Trek?

I wouldn't say big fan.

I mean, the guys that are big fans are big fans, you know.

Yeah.

But I'm familiar.

You're a big fan.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

No.

You are.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are.

What am I a big fan of?

Star Trek.

No.

I'm a big fan of space.

Star Trek happens to be a part of space.

You know why I like space?

Yeah.

Because

it reminds me of the possibilities.

Yeah, it's true.

You know?

Yeah.

All right, what's going on?

Why are you so sleepy?

I was just young, man.

Well, what are you sleepy about?

I'm not sleepy.

How about the show?

Tell us about the movie, Nope.

Let's try to get

through.

All right, all right, let's go.

And then you can go home and take a nap.

I don't want to go home and take a nap.

I just, it was a natural.

Reflex.

We don't have any seat.

We have three folding chairs right now.

We don't have anywhere to sit.

I'll go.

My girlfriend's mom is offering us a sofa couch that we can sit, that we can use.

I'll go out right now and I'll get a fucking little doggy bed or something.

You can take a nap.

I don't want to sleep on it.

I'll brush this over.

I've got to get this down to Steven.

He can start cleaning this up, salvage what we can.

Yeah.

It needs to be salvaged.

No, I mean, like, it's going to take some editing.

Yeah.

We'll cut this down to 12 minutes.

Yeah.

We'll do a 12-minute episode.

Yeah, we'll get something.

Our first.

Our first 12-minute episode.

Yeah.

And then, you know, you can take your nap and then we don't have to worry about it.

So tell us about the movie Nope.

Maybe I'll, maybe I'll, maybe I'll, maybe I'll swing the bat here.

Maybe we can get something out of this.

Nope.

Okay, so Nope is a.

Leslie Nope.

That's kind of the opposite, right?

So Karen, White Lady.

Kind of like Karen.

White Lady.

White Lady that's the boss.

That's right.

I bet Leslie Knope, but it's N-O-P-E.

She's like, I ain't coming to work today.

Isn't that what it's spelled like?

No, it's K-N-O-P-E.

Oh, I never read her name.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

So that would be funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's not about her.

That's why I went to go see it, of course, was because I thought it was the Parks and Recreation movie that we've been promised for so long, but it's not.

It's, it's, yeah, so it's about black cowboys that raise horses to be in Hollywood pictures.

So it's sort of like a down low brokeback mountain.

No,

there's no homosexuality.

There's no actually, I don't think there's any romance in it.

Why wasn't down low mountain happen?

Down low

back mountain.

Down low yellow.

Down yellow south.

Down low.

Yeah.

That could be good.

Down low mountain.

Down low mountain.

Down low Winslow.

But mountains aren't low.

Mountains are high.

Okay, but you understand the premise of that.

I understand, yeah.

Maybe it could be like black, broke back, it could be down low valley.

Yeah.

So

white people.

Brokeback steakhouse.

That's good.

It's no rules, just gay.

Just gay.

No rules, except one big guy.

Just big guy.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Outback mountain.

It's like gay Australian guys.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Like it's a restaurant.

Yeah.

Okay.

Outbreak.

Outbreak Mountain.

Outbreak Mountain.

And it's monkeypox.

And it's, well, it's gay, it's gay guys.

Getting games

Brokeback Mountain.

They should call it Outbreak Mountain.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Damn, I need to lasso up my T cells because they're all wandering off the fucking

range.

What's that one?

Monkey.

Anyway.

Okay.

Yeah, so

this guy and his father, they run a horse farm for Hollywood.

They're both black cowboys.

And his father dies tragically and he

basically

through lack of his own charisma and horse getting spooked

loses his

contacts in Hollywood and he's forced basically to just start selling off his horses to a local

Old West simulated town.

Also in the beginning of the movie they but again can you can you pitch the movie again as if you're talking to an audience and and you're trying to sell the movie like, you know, like fucking like Charlie Rose does.

Or,

you know, what do you got going on your phone there?

No, nothing.

Nothing.

Yeah.

No, we'll cut this.

No, we won't.

What do you mean?

What do you mean we'll cut it?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Folks, Nope is a movie.

Okay, get to it.

Yeah.

Folks, Nope is a movie by director, Jordan Peel, about gay black cowboys from Australia who have created a simulated town in the mountains where gay sex is seen as straight sex.

Yes, and it's called

Outbreak Steakhouse.

And it's called Who Ate All the Damn Pussy?

Not me.

Correct.

In parentheses, not me.

Yeah.

Directed by Jordan Peale.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Peale.

He's like, thank you, Charlie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Charlie.

That's actually not what the movie's about.

Well, pardon me, Mr.

Black Man.

No, I don't think Charlie Rose Rose would say that either.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he'd be like, oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, did you come here just directly from the prison?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you here from prison is where you're from?

No, it's like, I've never been to prison.

Actually, I'm a sketch comedian, turned horror.

You know who I play pool with every Sunday after church?

The warden?

Maybe he'd like to violate you all the time.

I don't know what you're talking about because I've never been to prison.

I'm an actor and a filmmaker.

Sure, but Charlie Rose doesn't know that.

Yeah, well, he should know that.

He should do his research before he has a damn guest on.

Sorry.

Is that good?

Yeah, that's pretty good.

That's how Tucker laughs.

Yeah,

he does laugh like that.

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Is that how a normal person laughs?

If you're Nancy Pelosi's husband, you can do it.

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

What happened with him?

He got like a DUI.

I think he just does insider trading every week.

No, he got a DUI also.

Did he?

I saw that on Sean Hannity.

How old is he?

Sometimes if you watch Tucker long enough, you start watching Sean Hannity.

Well, it comes on after.

Yeah.

And Sean Hannity after Tucker, it's like, it's like having, Tucker's like having like a, you know, like a disgusting meal that tasted good.

Yeah.

You know, it's like getting like country fried steak or something.

Just something egregious.

Yeah.

Where you're like, oh man, I can't believe I did this.

Nasty.

That was nasty.

Yeah.

It sounded good in my head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like gnocchi, like something really rich and just fucking.

Gnocchi is nasty.

I've never had good gnocchi.

And Sean Hannity comes on and it's like, and here's dessert, and it's like a fucking snack well cookie.

Yeah.

Or something that just sucks dick.

Something that's like

no place being called dessert.

Right.

Every time Tucker ends and that little fucking, that little fat little worm chod man is like, thanks, Tucker.

Yeah.

Tonight, Donald Trump, and he's just still sucking Trump's dick.

Yeah.

Everything.

No, but I thought Fox News is pivoting away from Trump.

Not Sean Hannity.

Not Hannity and not Sean.

I've seen Trump's body.

It's a perfect body.

His penis is human.

He's like in love with him.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then Tucker goes hard.

He's like, yeah, these vaccines don't fucking work.

They're killing you.

They're killing your children.

Yeah.

And then they go to Sean Hannity.

And they have tampons in the men's room.

Well, Nancy Pelosi's husband ran a stop sign.

I can't do that.

Yeah.

Let's bring on the CEO of Pfizer to say why that's bad.

Does he do that?

Yeah, he's like, Tucker's the only anti-vaccine guy.

Oh, Hannity's pro-vax.

Yeah,

Hannity just loves Donald Trump.

That's his only political position, is that he's in love with Donald Trump.

Yeah, and he hates.

He's in love with Donald Trump the way the fucking guy in Beauty and the Beast loves Gaston.

Like that little fucking.

No one.

They sound the same, too.

They have the same voice.

Gaston's boyfriend.

No one fights like Donald Trump.

No one dances like Donald Trump.

No one rubs my little head like Donald Trump.

Yeah, that's Hannity.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, what were we talking about?

I was

on Hannity.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, nope.

You're still universal.

Basically, what it is, is that there's an alien above them, and the alien will only kill you if you look at the alien.

And it's a heavy-handed metaphor for if you look how looking at your screens is killing you.

That's what I've decided the movie is about.

I'm not sure if that's what it really is about, but it seems like that's what he's trying to say.

Yeah.

And by the end of it, I was like, That's that's pretty that's a lame-ass movie.

That's awesome.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Did that seem oh no, I was trying to be authentic.

Yeah.

Genuine.

No, I mean, you think it's awesome.

That's awesome, man.

That's pretty good.

Is that is that how do people laugh?

No.

My laugh sounds terrible.

People don't like it.

I'm like,

something like that.

That's pretty good.

Well, we gotta, we gotta, one of us is gonna have to laugh on the show.

It's your job to say the jokes, my job to laugh.

So I gotta learn.

I'm gonna have to practice laughing.

So maybe that'll be be this weekend at patreon.com slash come town this is probably the last one I have time to do before I hit the road when are you going well I mean before we kind of well no I'll be in town I forgot we moved the schedule to Mondays and Wednesdays I'll be in Irvine California yes but I got to buy those plane tickets I also got to sell the tickets to the fucking show

you're there in two weeks I am there in two weeks yeah

so we got two weeks it's a huge room it is a huge room and if you don't sell the tickets it's like that's like the inn with the improvs yeah So if the tickets don't move, it's like, well,

there goes comedy.

There goes doing stand-up.

Well, you're producing the show.

It's doing very well.

That's fine, dude.

Honestly, it's like that would sort of be kind of like a blessing in disguise because then I can focus on this 100%.

Which I'll tell you, this is the only thing making me happy anymore.

Look at me.

You look great.

You're welcome.

By shorts and women.

Do you think I would have done this for Come Town?

No way.

Never.

No way.

Yeah.

No way.

It was sapping or slog.

Lively.

An absolute slog.

We can have a shit episode of this, and I'm still

fully on board.

I feel it needs to pop.

You know what I like about this show?

This show makes me laugh harder than Come Town, but not as much.

And I think that's good.

The shoes thing was very funny.

It paid off.

I laughed really hard.

Now we can do physical comedy.

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe next time I'll have a dildo strapped in my head.

Maybe I'll just be trans.

Maybe I'll just be a trans woman.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

But I'll stick to it so no one, you know, I'll just, I'll walk right up to the line so everyone knows that I'm lying, but they can't say anything because I'll sell it that much just in case.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

I like that.

I probably shouldn't have said that part.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we can cut that.

We can cut that.

Well, no, you know, I'll just say, like, well, that was part of my process.

Yeah.

That was part of my process.

That's how I don't tell.

Don't tell me how how to

all right folks thanks and then roll credits and maybe we'll maybe we'll get the

maybe we get the music going for the credits so

we have a prevent chat that's written by

you know

produced by that's where your name goes you can have your name here see these all these names flying by right now your name could be right here if you sign up with patreon.com slash content.

Alright, thanks guys.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the US.

Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom piece that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewels behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our Union Street showroom or explore the range at colournjewelery.com.

Your ring your way.

Hey parents, have you been thinking about homeschooling?

Choosing the right curriculum can feel overwhelming, but it doesn't have to.

At the Good and the Beautiful, we offer complete, high-quality homeschool courses.

And the best part, our K-8 math and language arts programs are completely free to download.

Homeschooling can transform your family, allowing more flexibility, deeper learning, and quality time together.

Start your journey today for free at goodandbeautiful.com.