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Ladies and gentlemen,

the latest

right-wing fascist comedian,

Adam Friedland,

Zionist,

racist also

number one

America's most racist comedian no that's not true

we take these topics and we get down to business ladies and gentlemen Adam Friedland

hello

welcome to Cometown no this is Adam Friedland show it's I don't know about what I don't know why it has to be my name I don't know it's Nick and Adam it's the it's the no I told you, I'm moving back into a producer role.

I'm working the board.

I'm doing the, I told you, if I'm sticking around, I'm producing the thing.

I told you what, I told you how it was going to be.

I don't know.

I mean, I think just, you know, this is, it's the Dark Alliance.

There were three, and now there are two.

And the Dark Alliance creates a brand new, different product.

It's a different thing.

Okay.

You can't.

Look, you can't.

Listen, we can't look back.

We can only look to the back of the bag.

You know what you're doing with this?

You know what you're doing right now?

What?

You're chasing waterfalls.

I know.

I have to look to the rivers and the lakes.

That you're used to.

That I'm used to.

And one of those

is,

you know, that's what that whole song's about.

Yeah, that's true.

The River Jordan.

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Well,

welcome.

Nick, this is, I guess, the first episode of the Adam Friedland Show.

Yeah, this is 101.

Actually, I'll tell you what.

I got COVID.

You're testing negative, but you're sick.

My girlfriend also has COVID, which is leading me to believe that there's something nefarious going on.

What do you mean?

In the background.

I don't know.

You guys both have COVID, but I don't.

Yeah.

And I don't understand.

CDC is saying gay men are getting monkeypox.

Maybe there's a thing where the new COVID you only get if you're

if you have like brown eyes.

I don't know.

My girlfriend has blue eyes.

Well, maybe that, maybe she's an exception.

I don't know about that either.

Honestly, last week or two weeks ago when I got food poisoning, I looked up monkeypox and I was like, maybe I got it.

Yeah.

And apparently there's like lesions on the asshole.

So

I don't think monkeys, monkeys really love doing just wild stuff with their asshole.

Really, it's true.

It's funny because it's like monkeys are so similar to us from an evolutionary standpoint.

But the one area in their universe where where they're like, let's try something different from the humans, it's always asshole-related.

Yeah, well, we took that from them.

We have normal assholes that are hidden behind cheeks.

A monkey's whole posture is set up to show off its asshole.

They're proud of the birds, yeah, swollen constantly.

That's a secondary sex characteristic for baboons, is the male has a big, juicy, red asshole.

Right, and that's what gets him pussy, I guess.

Yeah, right.

You can go to the zoo.

You can go to the Bronx Zoo right now, by the way, folks.

This show is brought to you by the world conservation society yes it is uh the adam friedland show is a proud sponsor of the world conservation society this is actually true this is actually an old school type of hollywood conservative show

where we're environmentalists we're like teddy rosa folks we're environmentalists we're anti-war uh-huh we're pro we're pro-drug use we're isolationists we're isolationists um this is like basically what john wayne was is that what he was i have no idea i have no idea i have no idea either.

Yeah.

What Ronald Reagan was before he went into politics.

He was a cuck, basically.

So it's more like a cuck style.

Nancy.

Nancy, could you just come out here right?

Somehow that started auto-playing on my YouTube

when I was trying to fall asleep when I had a fever the other night.

It's Ronald Reagan's debate with Jimmy Carter in 1980.

Were there any highlights or anything like that?

No,

it was a very stupid debate, too.

They're like, Mr.

Reagan, can you clarify your foreign policy?

And he's like, well, I don't know exactly what my foreign policy is.

I just know what Mr.

Carter has said about it.

And I can tell you that

what any policy should be, any good policy, is the number one issue should be world peace.

Yeah, it's like a beauty pageant.

Oh, that's cool.

And the use of force should only be a last resort and only in the instance that the United States of America is under threat.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

I could vote for that, honestly.

The gip.

Yeah.

I don't know.

And then he won and he tanked the economy or continued tanking.

He tanked the economy.

Yeah, but he got the hostages out, though.

That was the big thing.

He continued tanking the economy, and then he still won anyway.

So people, everybody's saying that Biden can't win again.

Just wait.

Wait until you see how good they get at rigging the votes this time.

Yeah.

We're going to have to do it because the girls are going to make us do it.

Because of Roe v.

Wade.

We're going to do that.

Mike Lindell is going to need two pillows to sleep after that shit.

Once Biden gets once his ass is up, this is going to need three pillows.

Yeah, so we just, we both got COVID.

We were both at Caroline's this weekend.

Thank you for it was actually Norman.

Norman, I'm pretty sure had COVID.

Yeah, Norman Wilkerson from who was visiting.

He stayed on my couch.

He had COVID.

I thought you said you got it from Tim Dylan.

I asked Tim.

Tim said he's better now.

Tim just had a mild cough.

Norman's been very sick, but he's been testing negative.

Uh-huh.

So maybe Norman fucked my girlfriend?

Maybe.

I don't know.

This shit's annoying.

'Cause I can't take a lift over here.

I had to give up my parking spot to drive him.

I know.

You're fucking like you freak out over losing a parking spot.

That's the reason to have a car.

I just wanted an opportunity to signal to the listeners that I'm a good guy who did not take a lift over here.

Despite having the fake Wuhan disease.

Despite the fact that you pose no risks to the driver's life.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, it literally is just a cold.

I know.

Yeah.

And it's literally something we're going to have to get every six months, I guess, at this point.

Which I kind of did with colds, anyways.

I think that's what a cold was.

Yeah, it's just a new kind of cold where you're like sicker for one day, yeah, and old people.

People are like, What about long COVID?

It's like, what about the odds that I'll kill myself anyway?

Yeah,

exactly.

You know, that's pretty high, too.

Check-in mate there.

What about, yeah, what about inflation?

What about what about white men losing their power in this country?

The real pandemic, yeah,

And I know what you're thinking.

You said you were just going to be a producer.

Why are you possibly?

It seems like

you're taking an active role as a producer, kind of a Dick Cheney-style role.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

Kind of,

but also kind of just in the center this time.

But that's what people wanted.

I don't know what my foreign policy is, actually.

In fact, I don't even know where I am.

Nancy started seeing a psychic that apparently, once he had like full-blown dementia, was making like state decisions.

Really?

Yeah.

Like the Greek system.

I don't know.

What's the Greek system?

They had an oracle that would make it

kind of an oracle at Delphi situation.

A mentally ill person.

Yeah, just some guy huffing methane.

Yeah.

Yeah, some guy outside a jam band concert just doing ice-cold patties.

I'm glad we can disparage the Mediterranean cultures now.

Yeah, I know.

We really had to hold back last time around.

Trapped in that prison of not being able to besmirch Mediterranean cultures.

Well, you know, we were all been holding this show back for years.

It has.

It's true.

Yeah.

But this is a different show by the way.

The olive-coated hand.

The Adam Friedland show.

Let's listen to that intro song.

Yeah, let's hear it again.

Badass.

Thanks, man.

Where'd you get that riff?

Marsh Marin?

No, I put it all together myself.

You made the riff?

Yeah, I made this whole thing.

You played the electric guitar?

Yeah, I played

an electric guitar today.

I went to the Guitar Center

with the coronavirus.

Like royalty-free music loops.

Yeah, I want to get a nice little.

It's like

that dick don't work kind of conservative style radio show you know where it's like you can't fuck your wife anymore, but you got a boat.

I love that that's that's who we've already become Yeah in our in our mid to early 30s

So are you following this January 6th commission stuff?

January 6th.

We're now going to okay, so you know what I'm telling you what the scrap 101 this is no longer episode 101.

No, it's not

what we're doing now We had plans that have been scrapped that we've had Corona thing got fucked up so this is production production meeting number two.

We're not even saying that as a lie.

Yeah, we're not.

We had to push back the plans that we the plans that we were excited for this week.

Yeah, we do have plans.

So this is another plenary commission.

We were going to say should we go through the monologue today or just say fuck it and

we'll go next time when everything's set up right

because usually should we say what it is what we're planning or no?

Should it be a surprise?

Well, I think somebody's going to call the police if we

can happen.

You don't have to do a joke about how we're going to do an illegal thing

Oh, that's right.

That's with the countdown humor that's yeah, you know what fuck it no more irony now.

This is a fully sincere show.

Yeah, it's true.

But the problem is we're going to listen to songs that make us cry.

Reagan, if you ask me what my actual opinions are, I have to tell you, I'm not sure what my policy is.

I just know bad things that people say about me.

I just know what the criticisms of me are, and I lean into them.

Yeah, you're kind of fueled by that.

it.

Yeah, I just I know how to set the tone for the Republican Party for the next 40 years.

Spite is a powerful motivator.

We'll use my charisma to win the office based on nothing, force the Democrats to become the real racists,

and then we'll just focus on being as evil as possible.

Did they lock Trump in the car?

Is that what's coming out?

No, he tried to hijack his own limousine.

Yeah.

And he couldn't get the door open?

Well, that's what Cassidy Hutchinson said.

Who is that?

Perfect question, Adam.

Who is that?

This lady comes out of nowhere.

She said they tried to lock.

Here's one of my monologue jokes I recognized.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear it.

Well, you'll have to say it.

I'll say it first, then you do it to your voice.

They'll say it's copying, but I'll do it.

I wasn't

producing the show.

All right.

All right.

Let's hear it.

Cassidy Hutchinson said that Donald Trump tried to hijack his own limousine.

A story so unbelievable that some folks are asking: was this a stretch limousine?

I think that's pretty good.

Perhaps.

Yeah.

They're stretching the truth.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Thanks.

Wait, who was she?

She worked for Trump or something?

Yeah, I've been calling her Butch Cassidy.

I haven't seen this lady, but if she disagrees with the president, she must be a lesbian of some sort.

If she disagrees with the true president,

for starters, we'll call her a lesbian.

The president that God gave us.

While insisting that women like Sarah huckabee sanders are gorgeous she is quite the quite the lady can you imagine having sex with her sarah huckabee sanders yeah oh my god imagine what her eyeballs would be doing

like a felix clock

just

bouncing around

just getting absolutely mopped off it's like yeah imagine how fat her eyeballs would look like you know when you get an extra ball on a pinball machine and they spit that shit out and then they're both fucking

she's just googly-eyed, sucking your dick.

What the fuck?

Imagine her hands.

Yeah.

Imagine her fucking fat hands wrapped around your cock while she's bopping you off with her eyes protruding.

Yeah.

That's actually pretty shocking.

Does she have fat hands?

She seems like she'd have some pretty fat hands, kind of Augustus Gloop style hands.

Who is this guy?

Think about this guy.

This guy.

Do you see him right here?

The Ren is too damn high guy.

Yeah, what's he doing?

I don't know.

He's testifying before Congress.

Why are we still talking about Trump?

We just got rid of fucking Roe v.

Wade.

That's my take.

Enough is enough.

What is that car that he got locked in?

The beast?

Is that what they call it?

He got locked into a car?

Yeah.

What's his story?

I don't know.

He tried to get out of the limousine so he could kill pence, according to this bitch.

But he's in that, yeah, he's in that fucking.

I don't know.

I guess they put on the kid locks on the back.

So he can't get out of there.

That's the only thing that saved John Rambo slash Donald Trump from murdering Mike Pence with his own hands.

Was the fucking child lock on the back of the bottom?

He wanted to take the car to go to

the Capitol riot by himself.

Sorry, hold on.

No, no, I've got another

what is that?

Just bullshit.

More bullshit.

Just more bullshit every day.

Anyway, guys, I don't fucking know, dude.

So, yeah, he was in the beast, and apparently, like, the Secret Service just locked him in while he was trying to get out to help the mentally retarded people descending on the Capitol.

Well, what did he think was going to happen?

He was going to go there, and then he would, like, lead the charge into

his big ass going up the Capitol steps.

That would have been amazing, dude.

They should have let that happen.

They should have let it happen if only for the historical paintings of the event where you see his just the wind blowing and his big ass.

It would have been like

just his big ass, like in oil.

Just Ben Garrison painting that fucking huge oil.

Washington crossing the Delaware

with a bunch of people.

Incredible.

Yeah.

Why'd they stop that, dude?

Stop him from what?

From From killing Mike Pence, who's hiding in, like, a bathroom.

Were any of those nooses functional, the gallows that they brought?

I didn't know about the nooses.

I don't know.

There was that one picture of the nooses outside.

Honestly, I shouldn't have.

As the producer, it was my job to watch this January 6th shit.

Honestly, I've been...

knocked out and then uh yeah we've had yeah i've been watching i've

i've tried to start start Yellowstone and I text you actually I had COVID when we did the the the last production meeting.

Did you?

I had COVID on Sunday.

Yeah, I was sick on Sunday.

Yeah, I remember that.

You're like, I need to get home.

I feel like shit.

And then we did the show.

Yeah.

And I was almost fucking I was like sweating.

Yeah.

And then

that was my day yesterday.

I had that one day after you.

I was like sweating out in bed and sleeping all day.

Yeah.

And then the day after that, that's when I was like, oh, fuck.

I was like, maybe it's coronavirus.

I got, I had that, and then I was like, and then my girlfriend tested positive, and then I was like,

I was like, I better get into Yellowstone and ignore the clear signs that both Nick and my girlfriend got it and what that could mean.

And Norman Wilkerson, for that matter.

Kind of a devil's three-way between the two of you.

Yeah.

And my queen.

Yeah.

Really?

Well, Norman's testing negative.

He is.

So far, it's only me and your girlfriend.

Well, I don't believe it.

What?

He came to New York, dude.

Well, he's saying that maybe he gets a different type of test in Virginia.

Maybe they have Virginian tests.

That's true.

Just come in a pack of cigarettes.

Yeah, that's true.

Marlborough, Philip Morris style.

They love smoking down there.

You know who I saw in Portland?

Who?

Blake?

Our old friend Blake.

Yeah, a good time.

Is he off of crack?

He's off of crack now.

Yeah.

But still smoking and drinking.

Well, I guess if you can cut out the crack, that's a good middle ground.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is his body looking better?

He looks exactly the same.

He has the funniest body because he's like, he wears cut-off shirts

at the sleeve, like he's a strong fat guy.

Yeah.

But he's got a fat torso.

Yeah, he looks like Homer Simpson.

Kind of weak arms.

Yeah, right.

He doesn't have it like he's like, oh, I'm fat, but I also do CrossFit.

Yeah, right.

But he has that aesthetic.

It's pretty funny.

Yeah, it's a great look.

Shout out Blake from page 99.

So I guess we should get into it.

We've done enough chit-chatting.

We need to figure out what the plan is for the Adam Friedman show.

I know.

So number one, guys,

and this is going to be,

if you've made it this far and you're like,

why is Compton different?

Why isn't it the same show it was?

Right.

Look, kid, grow up.

Yeah, grow up.

Shit changes.

All right?

Yeah, people leave.

Sometimes your stepdad finds some better pussy and leaves.

And then you got to deal with your mom's new stepdad.

We didn't even get a new one, though.

I know, I'm saying Come Town was the original stepdad.

That's true.

The new stepdad is the Adam Friedland show, who doesn't hit you or fuck your mom in the living room.

He's a Democrat.

But he's,

yeah, he's the psychiatrist on the Sopranos.

Peter Bogdanovich.

Yes.

Middle feed psychiatrist.

No, the fucking.

Remember, like

the teacher or something?

Yeah, she like almost almost cheats.

Oh, the guy from Columbia.

Yeah, yeah.

Or no, the teacher from Anthony's school.

Yeah, that guy.

Yeah, that guy.

That guy.

So that's what the Adam Friedland is.

He's still

Italian, but he won't get his hands dirty.

Come Town was Tony.

So imagine the Sopranos.

Come Town was

not a good pitch.

I don't think the audience would like that.

Adam Friedland shows like that.

I don't think the audience would like that pitch.

Let's see a whole show about the guy from Anthony's School.

The guy who almost got pussy off of Trump.

Why don't we have a whole show about that?

Uh-huh.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know if

that's a very strong pitch.

Here's what's going to happen, folks.

You guys might be fans of certain shows like the Tim Dylan show, the Joe Rogan experience.

That is the pivot that we are going to make.

We are going to make a pivot to a studio and a video-based podcast, yeah, not something that you can listen to on an iPod.

No, we will be getting a studio for real.

We will be getting a studio and we will be building a set that will look very similar to you.

So, you're going to say,

How does that make the show any better?

And the answer is, it doesn't.

It doesn't, no.

But when you use YouTube and do that, apparently, there's more money to be.

Apparently, you can make a lot more money that way.

And so, as you

ride the dying horse off into the sunset.

I don't know if it's dying.

I think it's just it's just coming out of the closet

Where's my thing?

Who is coming out of the closet?

The horse.

I don't think

I don't think horses do that.

Yeah, it can be.

I don't think horses have sexuality.

I think they only fuck humans.

They only fuck white women.

Well, they fuck the male or female humans.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think there's that one guy that...

I've never seen horses fuck.

I'm pretty sure they're all artificially inseminated.

I have seen horses fuck.

They mount each other.

Oh, where?

On the reservation?

Yeah, on the reservation.

That your family owned.

No, you don't own that.

They have their own tribal laws.

Yeah, but I mean, they, quote unquote, they own it.

Right, yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah, the Native Americans own this.

It's so condescending.

They elect a chief.

His name is Mordecai.

Reservations have got to be the most condescending, insulting form of

sovereign land in the entire history of the world.

Yeah,

we say, listen, we took away the whole country.

We'll give you a little bit.

Yeah.

And you can sell any type of fireworks that you want.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you can have casinos and you can drink yourselves to death.

Yeah.

You can get diabetes.

You can get a foot chopped off.

Hey, can we have a reservation in Central Park?

No chance.

No way.

Where's it going to be?

At the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

That's right.

The hottest place in the United States.

Yeah, we're going to find a hole.

We're going to find a literal hole.

We're going to give you an arid piece of land that nothing can grow on.

Lining the walls of the mouth of a volcano.

That's where your reservation is going to be.

And you can make fucking wampum purses to sell the tourists.

You can do your gay dances there.

But don't worry.

We'll get really mad if a team names themselves a reference to you.

No, we'll stop that.

We'll stop that.

We're going to cut that out.

Yeah, that would be fucked up.

Yeah.

To make a comment about the color of your skin.

The Adam Friedland Show is going to be be a hit on reservations.

Oh, I think so too.

You got to start thinking about demos.

Have you ever met a Native American?

Yeah, a million times.

Really?

Yeah, of course.

I don't think I have.

Really?

I mean, I don't think so.

I've met probably every Native American there is.

Really?

Well, they come to you in your dreams.

Oh, they do.

That's right.

Yeah.

You're like,

how's it going?

Hey, Nick.

I live in South Dakota.

Yeah.

My name is Raincoat Bubblegum.

Can I have $17?

Would they beg?

My Venmo is Raincoat Bubblegum22.

Can you please send me $17?

Thank you.

All right.

Enjoy the rest of your dreams, folks.

Oh, they just like come in and

broadcast.

Oh, they don't give you like a warning, like an ominous warning about your future or anything.

No, no, no.

They kind of just, you know.

They don't really know how to do that anymore.

They just broadcast into the dreams.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

That sounds pretty badass, honestly.

Yeah.

I don't think.

What do you tell the audience about your dreams?

Oh,

Adam's Dream Corner.

That's going to be.

Pretty bad, you know?

Adam's Pillow.

A lot of nightmares, especially in the last two weeks.

Pillow Talk.

So the first five minutes are going to be.

We're going to do something a little different.

Kimmel,

Conan, they do, what, probably...

Probably about two minutes of monologue.

Right.

We're going to go 15 minutes of monologue up there.

Yeah.

A full 15 minutes.

And

from there we're going to transfer immediately to Adam's Pillow Talk

where you talk about your dreams.

And then we bring on our first guest.

It's a big recurring dream I've been having recently is that I'm in a car but I'm the front passenger seat and a man has a gun.

Yeah.

And he's

it's a forced homosexuality type situation.

And you said that's a dream, not a nightmare.

Well, I think, you know, they're basically part of the same category.

But would you describe that as a nightmare or a dream?

Oh, it's a scary dream.

So it's a nightmare.

A nightmare, yeah.

So

you would say it's a homophobic dream you're having.

No.

It wouldn't be homophobic.

Well, it's quite literally homophobia.

You're describing a homosexual act and saying it's scary.

It's almost more homophobic than calling somebody the F-slur.

No, I don't know.

You're having

subconscious fears of homosexuals.

No, no, it's not a fear of homosexuality.

It is a deep-rooted homophobia, is what you have.

No, the forced homosexuality would be more of a fear of,

I suppose, like a public humiliation.

Now, I don't know why this hit me, but you told me that and how I visualized the dream.

It's happening in like the 1940s.

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm in a Plymouth.

It's an old Buick.

Yeah, a Buick.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, something like that.

Big ass car.

Big car, big, big, big, big bubbly car, big suit, and a guy that's like, you know, the ska.

Yeah.

One of those kind of guys.

And there's steam coming up from the streets.

They're all wet.

It's nighttime.

Yeah.

There's kind of like that melancholic kind of jazz sort of playing.

Yeah.

Kind of that kind of vibe.

Yeah.

I know that dream.

Oh, like a noir

style.

Scary dream.

Yeah.

And the guy has gone and he says, if you don't perform a.

It's James Cagney.

Yeah.

He makes you suck his dick.

You get a stumble out of the car and you run into Humphrey Bogart.

Well, you don't.

Hey, what the hell's the matter, pal?

You look like you just sucked a million dicks.

I wouldn't even say it's a homosexual thing.

I think, you know, rape isn't, I wouldn't classify it straight.

You know, it's more about power, as they say.

But yeah, you know, you're forced into it.

And he says, if you don't fillate me, then

I'm going to crash this car.

I'm going to shoot you in the head.

And so

I disarm him

and grab the gun and I kill him, but the car is still speeding.

There's a cliff

and I have to get on this man's lap and he's still hard to

with his cock outside out of his suit.

And I have to sit it's disgusting, but I have to get to the pedals and I keep reaching for the pedal, but my foot isn't isn't the

my leg isn't long enough.

So I have to dip beneath the wheel.

And the more I try to reach the pedals, I still can't reach the pedals.

I realize there are no pedals and then the car's speeding towards the abyss.

And right before we go over the ledge,

I wake up.

Yeah.

So that's like one of the dreams that I've been having.

Just to clarify, this is also in the 1940s.

It is in the 1940s.

So it's like...

You know, the big jaw.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like,

show us the brakes, pal.

Yeah, kind of a road to perdition.

Yeah.

Where the hell are the brakes in this car?

Well, I know he's dead.

I'm just trying to find the brakes myself.

Oh, okay.

He has his cock out.

He's his head has a hollow point uh bullet wound.

So this is a continuation of the first dream.

Well, yeah, he's trying to force me to s suck him.

I thought this was the second dream.

No, it's all part of the same dream.

I don't actually suck him.

I'm terrified.

And then I wrestle the gun from him.

What are some other dreams that you have?

Maybe we can interpret those.

I mean, you didn't really interpret this one.

Yeah, I said you were a homophobe.

It's not homophobic, it's about

humiliation.

You're a homophobe, which I can't relate to, but you like the 1940s, which is something that I think is, you know, it balances out the homophobia.

It makes you an alright guy.

Are you a therapist?

I tell you.

40s, pretty cool.

Pretty cool.

Homophobia, maybe work on that.

Kind of a zoos.

It's not homophobic.

It's okay.

All right.

Rape.

Interesting.

Not wanting to be raped.

Hold on, let me get my notebook.

No,

stop writing.

Stop writing.

Why are you writing right now?

I don't know.

I'm i'm writing down remember to to watch rave donovan you dvrd the i'm talking about is it a good show i don't know i'm just writing down my these notes are for me they're not for you i thought you were interpreting these dreams i know but i multitask i'm listening to you i'm also trying to make sure that i i don't forget to watch yellowstone tonight i started yellowstone oh you started yellowstone

and did you start it i started i watched the first episode months ago did you yeah yeah it's kind of like a mini movie it's like an hour and a half um Yeah, it was all right.

There's Native Americans in that.

There are Native Americans in that.

There is a reservation.

Yeah.

It's probably kind of why you brought it up because it's in your subconscious.

And that's where dreams come from.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, I thought it was going to be a movie or a TV show about

an Asian American who is also Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Oh, I would have thought he would be a pothead.

No, no, no.

No, just

sorry.

R.I.P.

Compton.

No, no, we can we can still do that.

That's what people like, dude.

That's what people like.

Just do it.

Just do it.

Just give it no, come on.

It's the Adam Friedland.

No, it's not the Adam Friedland show.

No, no, Nick.

Adam Friedland, Asian Stone Cold Steve Austin in three, two, one.

Camera.

You're on live.

My cause

stone cold says so.

Costone Cold Seso.

So he's he's very meek, you'd say.

I wouldn't say that Asian people are meek.

I was just trying to affect a Chinese accent, which people like on podcasts.

Sure, but is that how stone cold as an Asian man would sound?

No, he'd be brave, just like stone cold Steve Austin.

So then do that.

Okay.

How about you come down in this ring and I open a can of whoopas?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How about instead of snakes, his arms are just chopsticks?

How can I send you to

how about there, but each one of his arms is one of those big soup spoons they give you?

Those are good spoons.

I like them.

I have some.

Well, they kind of look like cobras, too.

Yeah, they do.

Kind of like the Texas rattlesnake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I mean, his arms are chopsticks.

Did Stone Cold have snakes as arms?

He did.

Remember, that was like a promotional thing.

He would have cobras as his arms.

Oh, yeah, that's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, he would flex and his arms would turn into cobras.

He's a pretty cool guy.

But if he was Chinese, he'd be even cooler.

Yeah, yeah.

So, how about this R.

Kelly sentencing, Nick?

Yeah.

What is it?

Is there like a John 316

that's like

that's Chinese?

Yeah, like dog 1997.

Whatever the Chinese zodiac is.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

You're the dog.

Maybe

we could do like

what other things was he into?

He'd shotgun beers, right?

Two at a time.

Yeah.

But instead of beers,

they'd be

hot and sour soup.

Yes, sure.

Pijo.

What's Pijo?

I think that's beer in Chinese, if I remember correctly.

Really?

That's just what came to my head.

Do we have any sponsors today?

No, sir.

We've lost all the sponsors.

We have?

There's advertising contracts for Come Town.

This is the Adam Friedland show.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

I ran it by the sponsors.

I said, no, no, we're not paying for that.

We paid for a different show.

Wait, the sponsors left us?

The sponsors have all we have to go back to Cometown, dude.

No, we can't.

Why not?

You got to make the Adam Friedland show.

It's a brand that we've built over six years.

I'm moving on to a new project.

I'm the least popular member of Cometown.

And this is going to be bigger than Cometown.

I've gotten emails

belittling the fact that my mother has died.

Yeah.

There are people out there.

Your dad's an asshole.

I don't know why he'd email him.

He didn't do it.

He was my father.

No, it was people that I assume listen to this show.

Uh-huh.

Jay Leno.

Hey, you want to make fun of me, you little faggot?

I heard your mom's dad.

Yeah.

I'm firing this off for my Ferrari.

Now you're doing a thing that I would typically do, which is brag about a celebrity that likes the show.

You know?

Yeah.

No, this just happened to be a dead week as far as ads go.

Everything dries up in the middle of the summer.

Yeah.

It's tough for ads in the summer.

Well, it's not tough for ads in the summer.

It's that

there's nothing to gamble on.

There's baseball, right?

Yeah, but nobody gambles on baseball.

What are you, like a guy from the 1940s driving around forcing people to suck your dick?

What are you, Mo Green?

You're trying to fix the Chicago Black Sox?

Well, this is where you would have a guest on, so I don't know.

Like, you know,

I'll do you a favor.

I'll come out of the I'll come out of the locker room.

Okay.

No longer in a producer.

So this is

not episode one.

This is still a plan.

So this is going to be a drive room.

Until we don't have coronavirus,

then

this is.

You're lucky we're even doing this, pal.

All right.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

But some of us are paranoid about the future.

Would you describe yourself as such?

I'm not.

Would you say the future is a man in a zoot suit

pulling up to you and asking you to get in the car?

Is that your interpretation?

And you don't know what yeah.

I don't think a dream is supposed to be taken later.

Because the security of the distant past, which is Come Town, represented by the nineteen forties, is now approaching you in a way that seems familiar at first.

Yeah.

But the next thing you know, you got a gun to your head and you're forced to suck dick and you're hurtling towards the abyss and you're waiting for the nightmare to end.

Yeah, the abyss is the end of.

And the only way

the only way for it to end

is for you to let it end and

find something new born out of it.

That's right.

Which is the Adam Friedland show.

Which is the Adam Friedland show.

I think I.

Which will be completely different.

You're 35 years old.

I know.

I am.

No more Asian stone cold, Steve, whatever that was.

Whatever that racist thing you just went into.

Yeah, it was unnecessary, and it would be hurtful to a lot of people.

We're not doing that.

Probably the most, it would be hurtful to the most people.

Lord knows I contributed plenty to that during my time at Cometown.

But you know what?

I'm a worker.

That was the job.

You work hard.

I got the job done.

This is Hollywood, baby.

That's true.

Drop it.

I'm done with it.

That's true.

I'm a turncoat.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter.

We're going

to hell with all that.

Yeah.

You know, damn it all to hell.

Damn every bit of it to hell.

This show is about...

The Adam Friedland show is going to be a show that does what all the other shows, all the other

comedy shows could not do, and it's going to stop Donald Trump.

Yeah.

It's going to stop fascism for once and for all.

And for once and for all.

Yeah.

The proud boys are marching, the oath keepers are surrounding them.

It is literally not a coincidence that the day that once we even just start talking about producing the Adam Friedland show,

January 6th hearings start turning a little bit south for the Trump camps.

I don't know if you've been paying attention to this.

Up until this point, basically, every testimony has said that Donald Trump did nothing wrong.

Yeah.

And then we they know.

They know we're coming, so they need an excuse.

That's right.

They know you're coming.

I'm coming, and I'm using facts and logic.

Yeah, so we gotta

have guests.

It's gonna have to be guests because that's gonna be the new format.

We're gonna have guests.

It's gonna be 15 minutes of monologue.

Yeah.

Then we're gonna talk about your dreams for a little bit.

We're gonna interpret them.

Dreams or scary dreams.

Oh, yeah.

Which other dreams?

Do you have any other dreams?

Because we can certainly discuss that for a second.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm a little bit embarrassed about the first one that I shared.

Well, go maybe the second one over with Debia.

I'm with my girlfriend.

We're also in a car.

And she's saying that

she's hot and bothered.

She wants to find a place.

She's wet.

She's wet.

Yeah, and she wants to find a place for me to take her to make love.

Right.

And so we're in the car.

We keep trying to find places really hot.

The AC has broken.

Yeah.

Right.

And she's berating me me because of my driving.

Telling me that I drive.

Oh, you're driving.

I'm driving.

That's interesting because in this...

I pictured you and your girlfriend as like babies in the back seat.

No, that's not.

No, we were not babies.

No, I was an adult.

And you're being driven around by a babysitter.

No, no.

You're both too

Muppet baby, very tiny.

And my baby girlfriend wants me to have sex with her.

Yeah, but you guys are just so small.

You're both in diapers, but you're so small that, you know, you're like both the size of of like a package of peanut m's on the back seat yeah you know like that size each one of you and there's a monstrous kind of uh far-side 1950s woman babysitter driving the car yeah you only see her ankles yeah kind of like muppet babysitter just big ankle just big blue cheese ankles with varicrose veins all over them yeah thinly covered by a gossamer pair of stockings yeah

Just spilling out, just fat spilling out of just very pointy, scuffed up.

Why don't you tell me what my dreams are high-heeled shoes okay I am I'm interpreting okay keep going yeah so then she says she's hot right here she's like I'm I'm happy I went to have sex she wants to have sex yeah so I tell the babysitter to find a place to have sex yeah right

she's driving around it's getting hotter and hotter in the car

my girlfriend keeps berating me for

not being a man you look out the window not knowing you look out the window but you have to climb up the window and you can't see the road because you're so tiny you can only see the horizon Yeah.

You can't see the road.

Yeah, yeah.

And

yeah, we're like, we're driving around trying to find a place.

And

we can't find a place.

Finally, we like,

we're like in the middle of the desert, right?

We stop at like a like a roadside diner.

And I said, will this do?

And she's like, I guess.

And

I was like, well, where should we go?

We can't go in in the diner.

She was like, just take me to the bathroom and fuck me.

You know, and fuck me like a man.

I said, I take her.

But you're a baby.

Yeah, but she wants me to be a man.

And you're surrounded.

The diner is filled with like same Muppets baby style things, just cowboys.

So it's cowboy boots and stirrups, but then their dicks are hanging down

between the boots.

And they're just kind of slapping in between the boots.

Yeah.

Shuffling.

You're holding your girlfriend tight, trying to make your way to the bathroom with her.

Yeah, we're like our foreheads are getting as we crawl towards the bathroom getting slapped by the dangling massive cowboy cocks.

We're trying to avoid the boots and the

you know the what do you call it?

There's a droning sound of like a warship or something, like these massive engines.

Yeah.

You know, like

it gets louder and louder.

And you look outside and the babysitter is getting fucked on the back of the car by one of these cowboys.

And the sound is like, you know, it's the sound of war.

Yeah, it's it's an there's an industrial noise, kind of the sound of war machines.

Yeah, it's very like a racer head kind of David like.

You're looking out the window, and there's it's like the tint of the window.

It's turning more and more red as you're looking out the window.

Yeah.

And you have to turn away from it because it scares you.

So we're in the cowboy diner.

We're avoiding the cocks.

I'm barely holding onto her, but

I have her in my grasp.

We finally get to the bathroom.

We swing open the

cowboys-style doors.

Saloon doors.

Saloon doors, that's it.

But you walk under them because you're babies.

Yeah, we're babies, so we don't actually have to swing them over.

We sneak underneath.

And in the bathroom is my entire family.

Yeah.

They're all morbidly obese.

They're all fat.

Yeah, they're fattish.

And they smother you.

They come around you, they make a circle around you, and they start smothering you.

And they say surprise.

Yeah.

Right.

And there's birthday stuff.

They have birthday stuff.

It says happy birthday.

It's the 1940s.

And it's the 1940s.

Yeah.

They're wearing suits.

They have a big birthday cake.

They're very fat.

It's the 1940s.

They're massively fat.

Yeah.

And there's jazz music playing off of a phonogram.

Sure.

And it's crackling.

It's kind of eerie a little bit.

Yeah.

And

she still wants to fuck, even though my entire thing.

And the record machine, that's what scares you.

To be clear, up until this point, no part of the dream was scary.

Until you get to the record machine.

No, there's something off with the entire dream.

But the record player crackling.

Okay, no, the entire thing has been.

What's playing on the record player?

There's like a, you know, like a.

Name an artist.

I don't know.

Benny Goodman.

You know, Benny Goodman was a homosexual.

Was he?

So the first part of the dream you describe as

scary

is also the only part related to

no,

it has nothing to do with homosexuality.

It's about me and my baby girlfriend.

Being babies.

You're afraid of 1940s homosexuals.

There is something spooky about them.

Kind of a Miller's crossing.

So it might not be that the homophobia itself is

what bothers you, but the implicit dishonesty of old-school homosexuality.

Yeah, back when they called them punks.

Well, yes, it was just sort of coded and you had to be an artist of some sort.

Maybe that's what you really don't like is artists.

It's true artists.

Yes.

They scare you.

Yeah, they do.

They do.

Because what you want is these...

sort of inverted artists, which are the out-of-the-closet homosexuals that have no talent whatsoever but bank on their homosexuality.

I don't know about all of the out-of-the-closet artists.

To sell them as a...

I don't know about every single out-of-the-closet.

There are plenty of talented out-of-the-closet artists.

Well, I'm just telling you your opinions.

Okay, I'm not saying

no, I didn't say that those were my opinions.

That's interesting.

Let me just jot this down.

No, what are you writing down?

Stop writing down.

I'm just I'm just writing down Chinese Stone Cold Steve Austin.

That's something to remember later when I watch Ellis done.

Yeah, that's true.

That would be

that would be pretty funny.

So yeah, so I get to the bathroom, my entire family's there, She still wants me to go for it.

But I say, you know, I don't think it's appropriate with my entire family here.

Yeah.

You know,

it's clearly my birthday party.

Uh-huh.

And how old are you turning?

One?

I don't know.

It doesn't say a number on the cake.

I assume that it's my birthday party.

Yeah.

But then another boy walks through the corral doors.

Yeah.

The saloon doors, sorry.

Yeah.

Older boy?

Younger boy?

He's older.

How much older?

He's about about eight years old.

Is he sexually developed?

No, but he's sexy.

So he's got promise.

You know when...

You know he's gonna be a piece of ass

the kind of boy that you see where you're like when you're eighteen you give me a call okay the kind of the kind of boy that

you have a you have a sign in your house you keep tearing away numbers and it's days till eighteen.

No.

'Cause you don't wanna break the law.

Right.

You're checking to make sure your girlfriend can't hear you.

I don't know.

I don't know.

She doesn't listen to the show.

Yeah.

He walks through the door.

Yeah.

Confetti starts flying in the air.

My entire family starts sharing.

Oh, the birthday wasn't even for you.

It wasn't my birthday.

It was for a different boy.

It was for that fucking piece of ass.

That sexy boy.

You know what else happened during the 1940s?

What happened?

The Holocaust.

That's true.

And in your dream,

you're seeing the Holocaust as a party for you.

You deserve all of this celebration for surviving.

Another sexier boy comes in, and you're like, oh, I wasn't even in the Holocaust.

I'm just a whiny millennial in Brooklyn who's a homophobe.

Yeah, who's making it all about me?

Exactly.

So maybe that's something to take into consideration when you're sitting at home watching Ray Donovan

pretending to be an artist.

No, that's true.

All right, next dream.

Well, I don't know.

Now I'm going to have to remember.

Or we could move right into the guest segment.

What I was going to do for this, because, guys, this is what we call in the biz, we call a test show.

So this one normally wouldn't air.

You'd just go do it at like a...

Right.

At like a community college.

I went to the test show for Colbert.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That wasn't.

You would say it's bad.

I don't know.

I was excited about it because,

you know, we were getting Colbert back.

He hadn't been on TV in a while um the the guest was Bill Cower yeah former coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers yeah who I think was also the CBS football analyst so they he was in the family so they got they got him to be the big guest yeah and then they I was watching I was like this is a little off I don't know if this is the right format for old Steven

But yeah.

Well, so like I was saying, it's a test show, and the real show will have real guests, but the test test show, you bring your guests out.

Normally, we're running way behind schedule here, so we're at 47 minutes, and this would ideally all be happening in the first 15.

Right.

We do the monologue, dream analysis.

15 minutes of monologue, dream analysis, and then we bring in the first guest

who is somebody that has to sort of offer like a counterplay.

A counterplay?

I thought

they do like an anecdote.

No, they have to bring in somebody that...

So with the dream analysis, we discover something about you that you didn't realize.

Yeah.

You know, that's the...

Well, I'm afraid of 1940 South Home.

Too many entertainers today try to ingratiate themselves to the audience by,

for lack of a better word, virtue signaling.

Or sort of appealing to whatever collective morality that people think that we have now.

We're not doing that with this show.

We're going straight deep into your subconscious, and we're revealing something to you and making...

You and the audience at the same time see the humanity in it.

Okay.

So we're helping you to understand yourself better at the same time that the audience does.

And then we bring in a guest.

It'll be very difficult for booking because all of this will happen on the fly.

That has to offer like a like sort of like a counterpoint.

Right.

Or some sort of like, you know, yin to this gang.

So in this one, we find out that, you know, I mean, like we just did the dream analysis, that you're

feeling sort of like insecure about yourself, like you're a fraud of some sort, that you're, you know, not really an artist, that you're actually just a 1940s homosexual.

Yeah, I would say that's probably

the correct analysis.

The best guess there would be Bruno Mars.

That would be good because he has a kind of a classic.

Classic look.

Look, yeah.

He's not actually gay.

He's kind of timeless.

No, he's not.

He's not.

Yeah, he's not.

In fact, he's really cool.

Yeah, exactly.

And it's also not really the 40s.

No, it's not the 40s at all.

So you bring Bruno Mars.

But if he was in the 40s,

Bruno Mars, you'd sit him down at the table, you hold up his album.

He wouldn't have seen any of the dream analysis part.

That's important.

No, no.

He hasn't been watching the show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've kept him in a soundproof.

Yeah.

And then you sit him down and you say, Do you ever have nightmares that you're being orally raped in a car in the 1940s?

Or a man was trying to, but you

wrestled the gun away

and shot him in the head.

He'll say, Excuse me?

And you'll be like, is that what Uptown Funk was about?

yeah we could do that have you ever met uh

have you ever met kanye west we could ask him that too yeah yeah

um yeah kanye west is a good example well i guess it's you know it's your show who do you want to have on for one of what's the what should the theme of 101 be

i think the theme is i well if we're going away from the irony

the the theme should be

middle age healing healing and middle age yeah which is not really ever possible right We can agree.

Healing doesn't exist.

Yeah, it doesn't exist.

No.

Calcification.

That's what exists.

Your body just.

Yeah.

Buildup of collagen fibers.

Yeah.

I think that's probably thick skin.

Yeah, but thinner than it's ever been before.

But it's not enervated.

It's dead.

Dead tissue buildup.

Dead tissue buildup.

Yeah.

But hey, tell you what.

You know what that is?

That's a callus.

You know what you need calluses for?

Make fucking music.

to be tough oh beautiful guitar and lots of instruments yeah that's true you gotta have you gotta have some of that built up that'll be worn out you know that's the most beautiful part of that glenn campbell uh

documentary the what about alzheimer's yeah

which is what when he just like the only thing he can remember how to do is play guitar yeah it is really beautiful that's great dude yeah

and you'll never have that because

i didn't actually have you're a nineteen forties closer You're a 1940s straight guy pretending to be gay

to trick everybody into

something.

To think that I'm an artist.

Next up, issue number two.

Japan needs to bring back the rising sun flag.

Oh my god, so badass.

It's a fucking amazing flag.

Chad Muska used it.

I don't care if it's if it's...

You know, it's funny how

people like, they can't understand why in Taiwan they have the Hitler Cafe with the swastika or whatever.

Yeah, I still, I don't really understand it.

Yeah, well, it's like, but that's what the rising sun is here.

Like, they're like, that was a fascist government.

Yeah, but it's Asian fascism.

That means nothing to me.

No, we don't care at all.

Like, they were actually really racist against the Koreans.

I'm like, oh, damn.

Yes.

That's sad.

Oh, that sounds

rough.

Like, it sucks.

Yes, yeah.

That's why we like the rising sun for sure.

Well, it's just a cool, it's just a cool flag.

It is badass.

Korea's got a dope flag also.

Korea does have the Pepsi one?

Yeah, it's like a Pepsi yin-yang.

Generation Korea.

Yeah, it's pretty badass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pepsi let them use that.

Yeah, that's cool.

Dude, coronavirus sucks.

It's really frustrating, too.

It's funny, like, because this is, I feel like it is, you know, it's funny, just a couple weeks ago, I was like, corona's coming back.

And now.

You did say that.

Yeah, it's but no one cares because Trump's not the president.

Is that right?

Yeah, no no one's going to give a shit.

And it's like, it's also going to be, if you look at like the and I can't remember, but if you look at like the Spanish flu, like it was bad one year and then people stopped giving a shit for like two years and it came back and that's when it killed.

Like everyone else.

And that's when everyone died.

Yeah.

And it's like if you think back to those times, especially if you're like, you know,

I don't know.

It doesn't matter who you are.

But you look back on like, you know, like think about like times like that.

It's like the 1920s.

Everyone has like Spanish flu, all these people dying and dying in war.

And it becomes very easy to like romanticize it.

Like think that if you were living in those times, it would be sort of like romantic times.

Like you would see the beauty in death.

And now living in a pandemic where that very well may happen, it's mostly just fucking annoying.

Yeah, it's gay.

It's just gay.

It's like it's just fucking

fucking annoying.

Yeah.

Like I, you know, I was sitting like, you know, on the couch last night, trying to go to sleep.

I'm having like hard palpitations.

Yeah.

It's like fucking me up.

And I'm like, God, just fuck this shit, dude.

Like,

I'm not going to have a beautiful moment on my fucking deathbed.

I'm going to be like, this fucking sucks.

Yeah, you're going to be pissed off about something trivial.

Yeah.

Like the show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're in this stupid fucking coronavirus.

It's so stupid.

They should have just ignored it.

It's like, unless, here's the deal.

What happens?

Here's the deal, science.

Unless before this shit happens, you already have the cure.

The cure.

100% the cure.

Shut the fuck up.

Don't tell anybody.

Yeah.

It's just like, oh, well, millions of people will die.

So what?

And millions of people did die, yeah, they will.

That's it.

Fauci has it now.

Did you see this?

I saw that.

Fauci has Fauci took that Pax Lovid, like the Pfizer pill,

and now he's got a rebound case, which is, I haven't paid attention to this Pax Lovid thing at all.

Wait, but that's the pill, that's the COVID pill, right?

It's a COVID pill.

He's gotten the, he's gotten four doses of the vaccine.

He's old as shit, too, right?

He's 81.

He got four doses of vaccine.

He got COVID and he wasn't feeling well, so he took Pax Lovid, which isn't like supposed to be for people with the the vaccine.

It's for like if you're in the hospital.

Well, no, that's other shit.

Paxlovid is just

like an antiviral that

they rolled out.

But I guess it's not really for people who've had the vaccine.

And what happens is it just suppresses the virus for like a week, and then you test negative, and then three days later, you test positive again, and then it comes back even worse.

And like,

yeah, I guess that happened to Fauci.

He's going to die from COVID.

He's going to die, dude.

It's gonna be really funny.

Oh, my God.

Because there's still gonna be people being like, well, he was 81.

Right.

You know, and it's like, okay, but he lived in a bunker.

He got four doses of the vaccine.

He took two rounds of Paxlovid, which is like, it's only authorized for one person.

And he didn't even get to get pussy off of Randy Rainbow.

What a waste.

Damn.

I guess let's just think about that for a second.

And these are things you should be saying.

I'm not popping off anymore, dude.

I don't know even what that shit is, dude.

You can pop off as much as you want.

You know who Fauci is.

I don't know what Paxlova is.

It's in the news.

I thought that's a dessert.

No, you're thinking of Tira Masu.

I don't know, Pavlova.

Anyways, we got to go back to the show.

So,

sorry, folks, ignore my COVID.

Here's the thing.

We're going to have...

So who's the guest?

It's going to be Bruno Mars, some type of celebrity.

We're going to use our industry.

I know what they sound like.

So I'm going to do them, and you can interview me.

We'll practice.

You can do Bruno Mars.

I mean, I don't really know anything about him other than what kind of hat he wears in the song Uptown Funk.

Yeah, but you know enough, dude.

He's Filipino.

I didn't know that.

He's 5'3 ⁇ .

I don't know.

I didn't know any of this shit.

You're like,

who the fuck is Dr.

Fauci?

And you're like, Bruno Mars was born.

No, that's not true.

1986.

I don't know everything about Bruno Mars.

Bruno Mars' favorite food is lasagna.

Just like Garfield, who also happens to be his favorite cartoon character.

All right, I wrote a fucking book report on Bruno Mars.

Teacher being like, that's not a book.

Yeah.

My book report is on Bruno Mars.

Bruno Mars is an inspirational figure because just like an autistic kid trying to get like an A in the class who didn't do the work, but he's like, I did my book report on Miss Stella, our teacher.

Miss Stella is a beautiful lady whose husband left her last year because he didn't know what was

like, stop.

He didn't know what a good woman was.

And even though he's now engaged to

Miss Clarence, who teaches third grade here at this school, and they're very happy together, and she has very large breasts, Mrs.

Stella is still worth her weight in gold.

Mrs.

Stella was born 45 or 50 years ago.

Her phone number is 734-4487.

Dude.

Something like that.

Something like that.

All right.

Do I got to be Bruno Mars here?

You can be.

I mean, we don't have to.

We don't have to do it.

I mean, we could do it.

Yeah, let's do it.

Okay.

So,

hey,

you know, kind of like, what's up?

It's me, Bruno Mars.

All right, let me just watch a Bruno Mars interview real quick.

Just like, you'll figure it out.

Yeah, let me just watch the interview and then I'll do them.

I just need a running star to hear on her.

Hey, it's Bruno Mars.

I'm Bruno Mars.

You're going to be.

I want to be Bruno Mars.

You're Bruno Mars.

No, you got to be.

Hey, how's it going, everyone?

My name is Bruno Mars.

You're Adam Friedland.

I'm Bruno Mars.

Bruno Morris in the Anderson paint.

Interview with Bruno Morris.

So here we go.

Yeah, he's in a band with Anderson.

Yes, Bruno.

Cooper.

24 Magic.

Please welcome Bruno Mars.

How are you?

Good.

Great to have you here.

Good.

Feels good to be back.

It's cold out there.

It's cold.

It feels good to be back.

It's cold out there.

Yeah.

And tell me, it's I mean

having listened to your rehearsal here, it's it's really all about dancing now.

It's dance music, isn't it?

Yeah, that's what music's supposed to do.

So uh we watched your perform and now everyone's saying the new thing is dancing now.

It's dancing, isn't it?

It's not singing anymore, it's just dancing.

Uh yeah, yeah, I guess that makes sense.

What fucking show is this?

What is it?

What does it say?

That's the hardest question anyone has ever asked.

S V T Skavlan.

It's Skavlan T V show tonight.

What it's like a Swedish talk show?

I guess, dude.

Wait, let's hear more.

Make you dance.

So, what I mean, the internet is full of Bruno Mars moves.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, the internet has nothing but the Bruno Mars moves.

We go online, we see video every day.

I click, it says Bruno Mars, new move, new move, new move.

My son, he shows me, he is 37, but he has brain damage.

He has Down syndrome.

He shows me every time.

He says, Daddy, I want to be just like Bruno Mars.

And I say, you can't.

Bruno Mars, very tiny and brown.

You are large.

You are Scandinavian Down syndrome.

Seven foot two, 432 pounds, 8% body fat.

You never believe it.

He has the bone structure of a white whale.

You never Google him?

No, never.

Really?

It says Bruno Mars moves.

Well, if you Google Bruno Mars moves, I don't do this often.

You were trying some?

I did yesterday.

I did yesterday.

And to prepare.

A few moves.

Next day.

I did it to just, I mean,

what I wanted to do was see what are the new moves of the year.

The new.

Well, I'm your guy.

So, yeah, exactly.

So

what are your favorite moves?

My favorite moves?

Yeah, what is the perfect move this year?

The Bruno move.

24 cap.

This is the shittiest interview I've ever seen in my life.

So tell me,

tell me the new dance move.

What are the new moves?

I understand the dance is a physical thing, but I'm going to ask a verbal question where you have to describe a dance to me.

A physical expression of your body.

Yeah.

What are the new colors you are coming up with?

Why don't you just describe the dance to me?

Instead of having you come out and perform, why don't you just tell me what the dance will be?

What does he say?

Magic in the air.

What was the move?

I don't know.

He did some weird thing with his head.

See, I've never seen that before.

Well, you know, because you do something here.

That's it.

Amazing.

Bruno, you call yourself a student of music.

What do you mean by that?

Amazing.

Bruno, you call yourself

a student of music.

What do you mean by that?

I gotta mess up.

Sorry, that's more of a come-town joke, folks.

We can do come-town jokes.

No, we don't have to.

I had to be able to produce for a rock artist, a hip-hop artist,

all kinds of different music.

So it's my job to study all kinds of music.

So I'm allowed to go into the studio and know what what they're talking about, know what worlds they come from.

So, if I'm a student of music,

I've read somewhere about you that you are the kind of musician that have music constantly in your head.

Yeah, I was like, What the fuck is this?

Take us in,

dude.

We got to bring the Adam Freeland show to Scandinavia.

Dude, they're going to love it.

They're going to love Dream and Alice.

As long as none of the population finds out that we're how short we are, we could be kings over there.

That would be truly a nightmare.

We just can't get photographed from the waist down.

Yeah.

You know what?

Figuring out the conversion to Scandinavian height?

I'm like 4-1 over there.

I'm like a circus freak.

No, I know.

I mean,

I think that they, I think maybe we'd be excited.

I would be absurd.

I could be like Wee Man in fucking Scandinavia.

We have Nick Mullen.

We're going to throw him into the middle.

Are there midges bigger?

They're midges.

It's got to be bigger, right?

They're midges?

Yeah.

I mean, their midges have got to be like regular sized people.

Like 5'7?

They're like 5'5, yeah, probably.

You know how much that would suck?

Just a Norwegian dwarf mogging you?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's so funny.

Damn.

Damn.

I feel like shit, man.

Yeah, I feel...

Fucking awful.

I feel so fucking sick.

But it's mainly just

from talking for

an hour.

No, no.

No, I don't have any of that.

I don't even have much congestion.

I woke up feeling dry cough.

I woke up feeling dizzy.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, you got to tough it out, brother.

All right, let's do an Adam Freeland show.

Let's do the

dry run.

You got 75% of the money.

No, I'm not getting 75% of the money.

How does everyone take us in there?

You don't want to go in there.

No, it's just, it's constant, you know, I'm constantly for this album.

I was constantly thinking about how I could make it better, how I could make the chorus better, different chord progressions, uh, different drum beats.

And now that we're, the album's ready, and I got to perform.

So, he's Filipino?

Yeah, he's Filipino.

Really?

He looks like

he looks like one of those like enchanted type of Indian people.

You know what I mean?

Like Bollywood vibes?

No, like

they had like a secret society out in the jungle somewhere and you could have dinner with them.

Like if you find their temple you could have a suspicious dinner with them.

Yeah.

If you hug him like no, you're not hug it like uh the bad guys from uh fucking Indiana Jones.

No, I know what you're saying, yeah.

Yeah.

The Kali Ma guys.

Yeah.

Like he's got an army of monkeys who kill people for him.

Yeah, here you go.

These people.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Those type of guys.

Good guys.

No, I mean, yeah, no, he's he's Filipino.

I think he kind of looks like a lady a little bit.

Kind of like a

like a middle-aged black woman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm incorrect.

I'm not too familiar with him, but he will be the first guest next week when we got the studio of the Adam.

So what happens after the guest segment?

Where do we go from there?

We have a second guest.

We have a second guest.

So you want to just go regular late night format?

I'm thinking we go guest and then we go back into the dreams, but this time we ask Bruno Mars what his dreams are.

Yeah,

we ask him, what we ask him, like, what

is being haunted?

Yeah, so I had a dream last night, right?

I was in the recording studio, and you know, I mean, I try to, my music has to be as diverse as possible.

I got to work with every kind of artist, hip-hop, you know, soul, hip-hop, RB,

rap music,

hip-hop, you know, I mean, every type of music there is.

But I always worry, what if there's a type of music I've never heard of?

And it's late night at the studio, and they say, Bruno, Mr.

Mars, we got one more client for you.

Say, all right, I mean, I guess I can make another $800 million.

Take one more client for the night and make another solid gold record.

24 carat.

And this man walks in in a pinstripe suit, and he's about seven and a half feet tall, and he opens his mouth, and an entire family from a cuckoo clock comes out.

And they start hurling racial slurs at me.

And they're just bouncing off of me because none of them apply.

You know, because nobody knows what race I am.

So, you know, it's like funny.

You know, well, and I'm dodging all of them.

Yeah.

He's dancing around me.

I'm dancing and

creating all new kinds of dances, swerving in and out of the racial slurs.

Okay.

And finally, the bong

strikes midnight.

They go back into his mouth and his face turns pale.

Pale in the Grecian sense, like the old word, kind of a green, sickly color.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the

last horse of the apocalypse.

And he says to me, I want you to help me make a swing revival album.

And, you know, I'd heard about some of that stuff when I was growing up, you know, like Cherry Poppin' Daddy's.

Or I guess that's the only one I can name for the purposes of his cherry.

For swing revival, yeah, I can't think of another one.

And he pulled out the gun from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the cartoon gun.

Oh, cartoon gun, yeah.

And I said, oh, I know what this is.

You're going to pull an Adam Friedland on me.

And he said, what are you doing?

Why is it called an Adam Friedland on me?

In the dream world.

In the dream world, getting forced to suck dick at gunpoint is called the Adam Friedland.

Yeah.

That's just what they call it.

But no.

He put the gun to my head, and I sat down on the board, and I had the keyboard in front of me and I just put something down.

And what came out was this.

Wow.

This song's good.

And I thought,

what if I became a race trader?

What if I became the first right-wing, fascist, dancing, singing, questionably Filipino artist in the United States?

Okay.

And that's when I decided

I Bruno Mars am going to become the house band on the Adam Freedom show.

Wow.

Okay, what an announcement.

For a price.

How much?

$800 billion.

No, I don't have that kind of money, dude.

Well, then we'll have to find somebody else.

I'll get 60% of Patreon.

You're going to have to try this on the next guest.

All right.

I think we could get a band very easily.

Yeah?

Yeah, why not?

That is a cool song, though.

That song's badass.

That song kind of made the whole episode worth it, honestly.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm happy with how that came out.

But anyways, so that song is a sign of things to come

once this coronavirus clears up.

Stick with it, folks.

If you stuck around this long,

we will be getting a studio.

You're going to have to go to patreon.com for now, patreon.com slash cometown.

Yes.

Sign up for the premiums

so Adam can make it.

Also, do you have any tour dates?

I got some dates.

Buffalo, July 7th through the 9th.

I will be there

at the Helium Comedy Club.

And then in Chicago, I will be back at the Lincoln Lodge

a week or so after that.

And I'll be in Seattle, September 16th, at the Crocodile, and Portland, September 18th, at Mississippi Studios.

And then I have more dates that will be announced pretty soon.

What else, dude?

I'm fucking, I feel like shit.

I'm going to go back to bed, I guess.

Yeah, I'm going to do the same.

I got to drive home to see if I get that parking spot.

Was there anything good in this?

Anything to salvage?

Or should we just delete this?

We can probably just delete it, dude.

Do you want to delete it?

I don't know.

We can talk about it afterwards.

I forgot there was no sponsors.

Yeah.

If we don't have sponsors, I don't really have to post that.

We already said we have coronavirus.

All right.

All right.

Bye.

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