Ep. X03 – TAFS Test Episode 3: Gun Violence

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Sing the song.

Sing the song, man.

I don't want to sing the song.

Come on, sing the song, man.

I did the

it's not.

You can't.

What are you talking?

People loved it.

Well, then they can go to...

They can go to.

No, I'm working.

I'm going to miss because the girl's here, right?

I don't want to see it.

No, we didn't.

Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not doing it for the girls here.

Jordan, telling me what I'm just saying.

I really would love it if you sent it off.

The girl's asking you.

We're already too far into the song.

Come on.

I already missed my mark.

Restarted.

We made this song.

You did?

I produced this song.

It's the new theme song.

It's the new theme song for the show.

Just sing it for the show.

Sing it for the show.

We're going to get like a Delta Blues black guy to sing

the intro music.

I filled in last week because we couldn't find a black guy in time.

On the Patreon episode on patreon.com slash come town.

That's it.

My boy, After the Money.

That's how you know he's a star.

What do you mean, after the money?

Sing on that one?

You're the patron.

I'm sorry to Patreon just to hear it.

Nick, just do it for Jordan.

I'm not, I'll sing.

Maybe

if you want to, you can sign up to the Patreon.

Do it for Jordan.

We're here for you.

I want to hear.

I want to hear right now.

I'm not going to come in.

I'm not going to come in and make myself the star of the Adam Friedland show.

You're not the star.

I know.

But right up top, everybody.

This is a show about me.

Everyone's listening for me.

It'll become a music show.

Do you sing sing about Adam?

Yeah, well, it's the Adam Friedland show.

Let's do it for Jordan.

I'll get it.

We'll move on.

No, no.

Come on.

Come on.

I'm telling you, we got limited time.

Jordan Jensen is here, saving the Adam Friedland show.

What do you mean, save the?

Past episode 104.

We got into an hour and a half long argument about me singing already.

Yeah.

We already did.

It was an hour and a half, give or take.

No, in any way.

What about the outro?

Will we sing it on the outro?

Maybe.

We'll see how I feel.

Can I try to sing it

in the style of Nick?

Oh, he didn't.

You want me to go?

want it to sing.

I didn't want to sing it.

I have a bad voice.

But it's your show.

We'll start it over.

And then I also, what do you think about this?

Getting rid of

the first part of this song

at a certain point.

Once we got the studio, we got to phase it out.

We got to phase it out.

Slowly.

Because you know what, guys?

This isn't Come Town anymore.

We're transitioning the brand.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're very good at that.

Transitioning.

Transitioning?

Transitioning.

Yeah.

All right.

Play this one.

I would just do it.

Okay, so you sing the song then.

You can do it.

It's just you want to maybe want to give it a measure until the drums start.

Run it back, run it back.

I can't.

Unfortunately, there's no way to run it back.

It's a one-shot.

Just start it from the home improvement.

Yeah.

Yeah,

boy.

Count me off.

And go.

We're going down in the river!

We're going down in the show!

We're going down the river!

It's an Adam Tree Land Show!

Nick, just do it.

You do it better.

No, it's a good voice.

No, because then you're building up.

You're building things up.

No, Jordan wants to hear it.

Come on.

Please.

At the end.

At the end.

For my birthday.

We're getting excited.

Come on.

I need to be cleansed of what Adam just said.

No, it's bad.

That was really bad.

She hated it.

It's all right.

We'll go ahead.

You did that so I'd look bad and refresh.

We got a long show today.

Sorry, you haven't been.

This is a new show, The Adam Friedland Show.

Jordan, thanks for coming.

It's on Come Town anymore.

It's not Come Town anymore.

It's more structured.

I'm kind of stepping back into more of like a producer role.

Nice.

Filling in where I'm needed.

Okay, great.

You know, which is last week, singing.

This week, keeping us on track.

I see.

I see.

He's just doing his job, Adam.

He's just doing his job.

Yeah.

Making sure.

For my birthday.

Making sure, look, we got terra chips.

I'm going to be 36.

We're going to eat on the pod.

April 10th next year.

And it's 36.

And now you've got to.

I just want to get a bunch of people.

And

you're going to have a real TV show.

You haven't gone a birthday present in years.

We're pivoting to where Adam bosses you around, though, which might kind of be nice, where he can tell the producer to sing.

But you know what?

He has been bossing me around, and it's given me a sort of a healthy type of stress that's been missing in my life.

Nice.

Some structure.

That's right.

Yeah, to have a boss that's upsetting me, and I complain to the cat here at home.

I'm a nightmare.

Yeah, I'm high

in this place.

Did you do this puzzle and leave?

Are you doing it systematically from left to right?

No.

Crazy.

I didn't want.

I just, I had.

I'm going through the puzzles that I didn't want in here, and that one has a color-coded system for beginners.

So I'm just getting it out of the way, and then I'll frame it, and maybe it'll go on the wall.

Probably not.

Oh, you're not going to be able to do it.

Well, I got all this shit I need.

You can take a look at the art that's going to go on the wall over there.

I got a, my, my, po my Mark Wahlberg poster fell off the wall and shattered.

Oh, I see.

So I got to go.

I got to take all of these things here to the to the,

I guess, Michaels.

And one of them is...

A lot of that is.

Blick.

To blick to blick.

And I don't know if they'll do it because some of it is obscene.

This up here?

Yeah, one of the things like Shrek and he's pregnant.

Yeah, yeah.

Who's that girl that married?

Pregnant with her.

Shut her up.

She's a very good Mario paint girl.

She's very good.

Oh, yeah.

Also, Jordan.

Yeah.

I know you brought up the puzzle, but Nick doesn't like his personal life being this person.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, right.

This is the Adam Freak.

It's kind of Joe.

No, I mean, just in general, he's never like talking about his personal life.

Okay, well, that goes for me, too.

Remember?

Yeah.

What?

What I'm talking about?

Herpes.

What did you say?

HIV.

Oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you said a real thing.

Yeah, a real thing.

I wasn't going to ask.

That's the other thing, too, about the Adam Friedland show.

Literally the entire thing is bullshit.

Okay, great.

Perfect.

So none of the emotions are real, not a single word.

Okay, great.

No, this is...

It's like smarter.

It's like a more intellectual approach to podcasting.

We're trying to ease our way into public intellectuals.

So we're starting with comedians, and by the time we drop the home improvement theme at the beginning, we're going to have fucking

Nina Turner on here talking about.

I would love her.

Yeah.

She'd be a big gut.

Talking about do, do,

how are we going to do it?

How are we going to get the vote to

take the vote to them or whatever the fuck?

How are we going to bring them to vote?

Are we going to get the vote?

How are we going to carry the vote over there?

What are we going to put the vote in?

That's right.

Yeah, exactly.

So this show is a little bit more structured.

We would have like a topic every time,

and we were going to do Animal Kingdom for this one.

But then

we need to have the studio first because we wanted to bring in one of those zoo lesbians to bring in an animal.

Oh, nice.

It is frequently a lesbian.

Yeah,

it is.

Mad Cargo Pockets.

Yeah, yeah.

The Elephant Lady.

Who's the Elephant Lady?

All of them?

The first elephant.

Oh, no, the chimpanzee studying lady.

Remember,

yeah, she was for sure.

Yeah.

Big old dyke.

Yeah.

100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or fuck the monkeys.

And with the same thing.

I think it starts off with the clothes.

Yeah, oh, for sure.

They have no interest in the animals.

They're like, I want something.

I want like a nine and a half inch zipper and big pockets in the front.

And then next thing you know, people are like, do you talk to monkeys, right?

Look what you're wearing.

Animals respect you.

You teach deaf gorillas how to talk to each other.

I will say my mom's a lesbian and she has animals surrounding her at all times.

She hates them, but like wild animals come up to her frequently.

Is she a master of beasts?

She does seem to be a master.

I mean, it really is like her throwing rocks at like baby deer that are just following her around.

It's quite bizarre.

A woodchuck today.

I saw her today.

Three woodchucks were surrounding her on a job site.

She was trying to get them away.

Yeah, it's like Ace Ventura if Ace Ventura was ate pussy, you know.

Wow.

What is it about carpet munching that animals respect?

I'm not sure.

Maybe an authoritative figure that's also maternal.

You know, that's why I follow my mom around.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

So we can't do Animal Kingdom.

Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's not visual enough.

But maybe when we do, we can have your mom and her chipmunks come.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I would love to have her on.

Because

I got into a fight with the Bronx Zoo over COVID protocol stuff.

I thought you were a member.

I am.

And that's why I got, you know,

there's a zoo in Prospect Park.

I had no idea.

There is.

I heard a screaming, screaming noise.

And every time I ran there, I would hear just this,

and I couldn't figure it out.

And then finally, I walked up to a guy who was working behind a fence.

And I was like, what is that?

And he was like, he's just wanted it as being It was a retard.

It was insane.

And I was like, there's a zoo.

And he was like, yeah, over here.

And I was like, oh, I haven't been.

Oh, I thought you were at the zoo and then you heard a sea.

No, I was running in Prospect Park and I heard a sea lion screaming.

No idea there was a zoo.

I mean, I thought it was, you know, like a child being raped.

I got my hopes up, really.

Yeah.

Would that have excited if you saw that?

A child being raped?

And just to shake shit up, the monotony of life.

Just being brutal.

Edgy, kind of.

Yeah, yeah, I'm being edgy.

She's saying fucked up crap.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's not the kind of show that's.

Oh, I see.

I see.

I see.

Okay.

All right.

So it's not.

Some messed-up crap happened this week, I guess, with the shooting, which kind of saved our asses.

Yeah.

What was the shooting?

What are you talking about?

What?

I don't read anything.

I told you it's a public affairs show.

What happened?

Yesterday in a suburb of Chicago that people on Twitter wanted to make sure everyone knows that it's not Chicago.

Jewish.

Yeah.

It's a Jewish.

It's the North Shore.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Highland Park.

Highland Park.

Highland Park is the name of it.

There was

an Italian-American Wigger

who shot up a boy named Robert Cremo III.

Shot him up.

Shot him up.

Shot a parade up.

Oh.

Mass shooting AR-15.

Yeah.

Wow.

So that saved you guys?

Thank God for that.

Well, now we didn't have anything to talk about.

Yeah, we were kind of stuck on the animals, and then we're like, we can't do it until we have video.

Yeah, yeah.

And then we're like, what the fuck else do we talk about?

So the topic for this episode is going to be gun violence.

We're going to tackle it.

And we got Nina Turner.

Well, I might just do an impression of Nina Turner, I guess.

I think that's sufficient, yeah.

Yeah.

Because we can't get her yet.

She's like, y'all.

Y'all.

I can't.

I've only seen her tweets.

Yeah.

They're mostly that, right?

A lot of snaps.

A lot of snaps.

Girl.

Stop playing with the guns.

Yeah.

And

so she'll come on and say something like that.

And then

maybe

we can get another white rapper, another Italian-American white rapper to give maybe Cremo's side of the story.

And this is on the Animal Kingdom episode.

No, this is the guns episode.

Are you not listening to each other?

I think you should put them together.

You know what was very funny yesterday?

I was watching the news,

like CNN, and after the shooting, and they had like Wolf Blitzer, and then because it's 4th of July, they had 4th of July shit planned.

So it cuts to Don Lemon,

and they have not thought at all about what they're going to say about this shooting.

He's like, yes, tragically, there was a tragedy,

but Americans are not going to let this stop them from dreaming of today's

birthday of America, and we're going to celebrate it.

And it is a tragic day, but here's Pitbull

doing Tinder with Lady Gaga.

Wow.

And then, yeah, just

no way to transition.

And then they just go to Pit Bull, and Pitbull is doing the same thing that he's been doing for the last 35 years.

Wow.

Bleak.

Yeah.

But I love Pitbull, honestly.

Pitbull's great, but he's an institution.

Yeah.

I mean, what do you say?

Yeah.

Is that why they canceled a whole bunch of fireworks and stuff?

Or was that COVID?

Like, I was in Ithaca.

Surely it wasn't because somebody got shot in Chicago.

We're not doing that.

Well, that's some Ithaca shit that would happen.

Yeah.

Well, I mean,

is upstate New York like that?

I think

it's a liberal.

Long Island cannot.

They love tragedy.

A lot of upstate New York is MAGA, though.

Don't tread on me, Flag.

Yeah, yeah, totally.

Not Ithaca.

No, no, no.

Very much the opposite.

Long Island would love a mass shooting to ruin the 4th of July.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That would make.

I bet they're really upset that that didn't happen there.

It depends what part of Long Island.

Definitely.

In Ithaca,

we were like, oh, hey, we were all at a 4th of July party.

And I was like, hey, 4th of July.

And everybody was like, I'm not feeling very patriotic.

And I was like, we just made all this food, though.

And they're like, yeah, but fuck America.

And I was like, I need to, I hate all of you.

Really?

Shoot this place up.

Yeah, yeah.

It's very limited.

They couldn't eat because they were remembering.

They were eating, but they were like, it just happens to be the day.

But fuck, fuck America.

It's very much that way.

You know, yeah.

Were they pro-England, maybe?

No, I'd say pro-like

Denmark.

You know what I mean?

Denmark had a shooting, too.

Did they?

Denmark had a mall shooting on the 4th of July.

Trying to copy.

That's copying that in the monologue.

You were going to say there's something rotten in Denmark.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

It's the body of a four-year-old outside of the mall

at whatever the mall where the shooting was.

I guess his body is rotten.

It's decomposing.

I was shot.

He was at the Syracuse Mall, and he said the guy, the booker of the Funny Bone in Syracuse, was like, we just had a mall shooting two days ago, and he had all these American flag things.

And then he locked me in his office and tried to convince me to be super pro-gun.

And he was like, I was like, Yeah, I just don't know how I feel about it in New York.

And he goes, Well, where I come from, we have these people called Hill People.

And I was like, Oh, yeah.

And he goes, But then we also have these people called, he was like, They live up in the hills.

And I was like, That makes sense.

And then he goes, But we also have these people called feral people.

And I was like, What's up with the feral people?

And he goes, Oh, they're uncivilized.

And I was like, What?

The hill people are debutants?

What the fuck?

Yeah, it's just hill people, but they've got like a

like a like a like a top hat with the hat, the top open like a can.

Yeah, or their whole head just is a cone filling the hat.

Yeah,

that's pretty cute.

Yeah.

When you said you locked the door, I thought that was going to go in a different direction.

No, sometimes you've got these bookers at clubs that just want to chat.

So they're like, come to my office, we'll settle up.

And then they write the check in super slow motion while they tell you their life story and why they hate their wife.

And then they try and come on you.

But that doesn't bother me.

That's what

goes out of work.

Did he try to come on you?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

If I was there, I wouldn't let that happen.

That's really nice of you, Adam.

Thank you so much.

It's kind of like Mark Wahlberg talking about 9-11.

That's why it's Adam Friedland Show.

Yeah.

Okay.

Adam, have you ever been cummed on in comedy?

In comedy?

Maybe we'll do...

Looks, we'll scrap mass shootings.

Yeah, that's about

sexual assaulting.

We have this long ass.

I've got plenty of those.

You can maybe maybe tell some of your stories, Adam, about being on the road.

Look, it's been

a long path to get here to be a late-night host.

I know there's kids watching, and they think, I want to be Jimmy Kimmel, I want to be Conan O'Brien, I want to be Adam Friedland.

And they imagine in their mind, you know, it's a 12-year-old boy, you know, you're cutting up, you're the class clown.

You think, I'm going to be that one day, and they think, well, I go to college and then I'm on the show.

But no, it's years of being raped.

Lots of rape, yeah.

Raped in nightclubs by men and women.

And yeah, yeah, maybe you want to tell some of those stories.

Well,

every time I went to the police, they laughed at me.

So I don't know.

Just if you promise to

not belittle me or make fun of me, me?

It's a safe space.

Okay.

I'm the producer.

Why would I belong?

I'm all here to gas you up.

I was Margaret Chod.

Gas you up, collect the paycheck.

That's it.

I was Margaret Cho.

Maybe do a couple of rapes myself.

You know, who knows?

No, no.

Okay.

Fingers crossed.

That's a trigger warning.

I was Margaret Cho's opener.

Margaret Choad?

Cho.

Oh.

She's a Korean-American stand-up comedian.

That is recently.

That is not the first time I've made that mistake.

No.

And

it's to her face several times.

I've mad.

You called her that?

I've misheard her every time.

Because you had some inkling that she did some things to me.

It's because she's shaped like a choad.

I think that's why.

Her body and form is shaped like a toad.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I thought choad, I didn't realize it it was a penis thing.

I thought it meant Chinese toad

the first time I heard it.

I thought it was like a stage name she was giving.

No, I think it's her Korean name.

I'm sorry, Margaret Chod.

And I haven't been to Montreal since.

That was the last time I was invited there.

Oh, to JFL, huh?

To JFL, yeah.

This industry.

I didn't realize I was on a hot mic that was piped into the PA system in front of the entire

state of comedy,

you know.

Yeah.

Howie Mandel was on stage talking about germs.

Yeah, washing his hands.

Yeah.

He's like, this 2014 said there's a pandemic coming.

We're all laughing at him at the time.

We're like, this bald freak.

Yeah, you're gay.

Margaret Cho comes up to me.

Choad.

Yeah.

And I was.

You were bringing her up onto stage.

Well, we were just standing next to each other, and I just saw kind of an Asian woman in my periphery, so I started putting

my shrimp tails, which I had collected.

I've been eating a bunch of hors d'oeuvres.

I didn't realize she was, you know, the talent.

And so I just sort of fish, I was just dropping them into her cleavage, thinking she had a plate or something to collect garbage.

Or as if that was her.

That's what they say.

Yeah, well, you know, I mean, she's there.

I thought she was service industry.

She's like, excuse me, what are you doing?

And I was like, I'm done with my shrimp.

Yeah.

And she said, do you know who I am?

You can go now.

And I said, Of course not.

I'm just some, I'm, you know, I'm just, I'm not even supposed to be here.

And you haven't even turned your head to look at her at this point.

You're just looking, still looking, still dropping.

Well, I didn't know if she had a husband, then that might be against the rules.

Yeah, yeah.

And she said, I'm Margaret Cho.

And I said, and it was one of those moments where, you know, there's like a dead silence.

Right, right.

A pregnant pause.

A pregnant pause for Howie Mandel because he's bombing.

And so he's finished bombing.

And I just say, I'm sorry, Margaret Chod.

Chod.

That's good.

And yeah, I mean, you could hear a Pin Drop.

And Pin Drop, that was actually the name of her cousin from Korea.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

She said, yeah.

I said, oh, Pin Drop, it's you.

Yeah.

That was the best Indian comedian that year was Pin Drop.

You could hear Pin Drop.

Pin Drop was,

he was in the green room putting his dot on.

He was getting his dot ready.

He used to have this great

thing.

Yeah, he was.

Yeah, was it the best thing he could see?

Yeah, Pin Drop.

Oh, South Asian.

It was JFL.

Pee drop.

Pin drop.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, gotcha.

Pin drop.

How are they related, though?

Pin drop jip jap.

That was his name.

He was the best Indian comedian at JFL that year.

Oh, he's like a wigger kind of Indian.

Well, yeah.

He had this great bit where he would put, you know, they have the red dot on his head.

He would put a black dot up there.

Yeah.

That's hilarious.

That's pretty funny.

Yeah.

And he's like, he's not raising.

He's just a dot.

But how big can the dot get so far?

It's Regina.

You know, it's very funny.

And it turns out the answer was immediately because he got, yeah,

the French Canadians do not take kindly to

people from the colonies.

Oh.

That's what it was.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

He was beaten to death by

shoeless court jesters, basically.

Really?

They just barefooted those

French-Canadian goons.

Anyway, I was Margaret Cho's opener for

about three years.

And

I went through a process of psychic and sexual trauma

that

I guess will haunt me for the rest of my life.

This might be too.

Is it true what they say about

sideways?

Yes.

That's what you're going to ask?

I thought maybe that would be like a nice probing kind of question.

Does it look like the eyes?

I think that's what we want to know.

Is it the same as the eyes?

Come on, man.

Just answer the question.

Yes.

Okay.

Keep going then.

All right.

But it doesn't matter.

Let's get those terror chips going.

Oh, it definitely matters.

Crack those tarot chips.

Okay.

I need a stressy.

This cat.

She's alright.

The cat's alright.

So, Margaret Cho raped you with her sideways vagina three years.

No, it was never penetrative.

But, yeah, I would be sleeping.

And she had a certain fetish where she would crawl into my bed.

I'll just open those fucking chips.

I'm sorry.

Produce her to the rescue.

Yeah, thank you.

That's why it's paid.

I'm like, female.

I haven't used these hands.

Well, it it is really difficult.

It's like a prank bag.

Yeah, it's difficult.

That is very difficult.

And I'm going to just tear the bag.

I saw you watching me tear it, and I saw you getting all OCD about it, and I was like, look, it's not going to go.

That's the only way to do it.

It is.

We went sideways.

That's why they call it tear up.

We went sideways like a certain other bag of

Margaret Joe's pussy.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the movie with Paul Giamatti and Thomas Hayden Church.

I always thought it was when I was a kid, my big joke when that movie came out.

I was like, yeah, it's about Sandra O's vagina.

That's That's pretty good.

She is in that movie, she's in the movie.

Yeah, it is pretty good.

Wow, that's gold.

That is very good.

I was a funny kid.

He started early before I got raped.

And then you got to be a different kind of funny.

Yeah, that's a good movie.

I just watched it again recently.

It's a great movie.

When the fat guy has his

body pressed up against the side of the car, you know, when he's chasing him down.

So funny.

Yeah, when he fucks that wife, the waitress.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And his penis.

You don't get your own.

Very funny penis.

Penis.

Flash out.

Penis is a great bit.

Yeah.

They've kind of

done it as much.

I was thinking about doing that.

We do, I could just play the zoo lesbian when we get an animal or something on the show.

And I put the shorts on, and I have my cock hanging out of one side of the shorts and then my nuts hanging out of the other.

That's funny.

That's funny.

And that would be my big bid is on the animal.

You want these, Adam?

I mean, I'd like some.

They don't.

Okay.

Yeah, please.

Anyway,

after a show.

After a show.

I thought this said tarred.

Yeah, it looks a lot like tarred.

Yeah.

It's a solid tard.

All right.

I'll just say that.

Also known as Malanga and Dasheen.

The white ship.

Who the fuck is reading this?

And they're like, oh, let me find out about the types of potatoes.

Being a tard.

I just found out about the Down syndrome on Sports Illustrated.

Just found out about it.

Yeah,

The Victoria's Secret.

I thought it was Sports Illustrated.

No, she's not.

It's both.

It's Iceland.

Yeah, she got Sports Sports Illustrated.

I have no idea.

Blew my mind.

She's dating Tyga, the rapper.

Oh?

Yeah.

There's a judge, actually.

It's gone to the Supreme Court.

Can she technically consent?

It's a question.

Well, that's like, can you rape your wife who has dementia?

Which is like 100% yes.

Oh, I never saw that.

You didn't put out your whole marriage, and now she has dementia.

But it is kind of beautiful to give her that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now that she's willing to receive it, find Finally, it's really sad.

Now, here's a question about the Sports Illustrator girl.

Yeah.

Sideways?

No,

well, the eyes.

Yes, is it like the eyes?

I know, I know.

I'll go back to the original question.

Mongoloid.

Is it similar to the eyes?

Okay, all right.

The small almond glob.

We're trying to do a public affairs episode.

How about this?

We do an Animal Kingdom episode, and we bring out a lesbian,

and they've just got a guy with Down syndrome with a chain around the screen.

Don't work.

Don't work.

Oh, you wrong for that.

You wrong for that.

Just saying, and then.

What if?

What if.

What if, yeah.

Nobody's doing that on television.

No one is.

That's true.

Sorry, I had a couple of tarot chips, and I got a little.

hot.

If anyone's seen a Margaret Cho show, she puts everything into her stage performance.

You're thinking of Bobby Lee.

No, I'm not.

Okay.

They have a very similar act.

They go up there and they put a diaper on.

They just speak in the nonsense gobbledygook the whole time.

You both do that.

Who is the Asian guy who, when Rudy Giuliani was on Mass Singer, was like, fuck this.

Who's that guy?

William Hung.

Dat Fang?

Nope.

Oh.

Joe Coy.

No.

Was it?

He's the biggest comedian in America.

The guy from the Hangover.

Oh, Dr.

What's his name?

Fauci.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Dr.

Ken.

Ken Jong.

Yeah, Ken.

Ken Jong-un.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

That was it.

Oh, yeah, that's who it was.

Yeah, it's him.

I wanted to talk about gun violence.

Okay, anyway, if you've seen a Margaret Cho show, she puts everything into her performance.

She's dripping from head to toe

with sweat.

Oh, okay.

So after a show, she would take her clothes off and her panties also, get fully nude.

And she would hand me her panties in my mouth.

And then she would say,

She would put them with with her hand into my mouth.

And then she would instruct me to hand wash them in a sink.

And she would make me crawl back to her in the hotel with her clean panties.

Yeah.

And

she would constantly tell me that they weren't clean enough.

So I'd have to keep going back and forth between the bathroom and

her on the bed,

you know, wearing cucumbers over her eyes and one of of those mask things to open them up, or would it?

She just likes the feeling of having normal eyes for a second, you know what I mean?

Just round.

She just

moves and

dudes.

This is a public affairs show.

Yeah.

She cut little holes in them so she could

see out of it.

These are public questions.

I mean,

I guess that's a public.

William F.

Buckley did,

to my recollection, 17 different episodes on Asian People's Eyes.

Did he?

Yes.

What was his conclusion as a classical conservative?

Yeah.

My My guest tonight is Margaret Cho, comedian and author of the book Who Ate All the Dog.

Thank you for joining us, Margaret.

The cucumbers.

What's that about?

Margaret,

what are the cucumbers about?

Do we...

What?

Bluetooth?

Okay.

Yeah.

Bluetooth?

Two minutes.

I got it.

I got it, baby boy.

I'm producing this motherfucker.

I had such a Bluetooth.

Yeah, you can give us a testimonial in two minutes.

Okay.

Yeah.

Did I do that last time?

I don't think.

I don't think I had done the Bluetooth last time.

No, you were on a table.

Certainly not on the Adam Friedland show.

Yeah.

No.

We should do it.

One of you should take it while we do the podcast.

I don't have any here.

Sure, but you should do the Bluetooth.

You guys should rape me with Bluetooth pills.

You guys should get me drunk on tarot chips.

Okay.

And then rape me.

Have you used it?

Of course.

Yeah, I was like addicted to it for a while.

All comedians are addicted to it.

Like an entire year just on cocaine and Bluetooth.

I'm sober now.

Yeah, I'm sober now, too.

But trying to come on Coke, impossible.

Is it like that for men?

Trying to get hard on Coke.

What are you talking about?

Well, I don't have a dick, so.

Oh, yeah.

It's hard to get

an erection on cocaine.

Oh, yeah.

It's real hard.

It's real hard for women to come on coke.

Once you get an erection.

It's truly an evil drug.

It is.

It's fucking disgusting.

Yeah.

I got really addicted to the fire.

It's fine for men into cold.

The first five minutes, maybe.

Yeah.

I would love to go bowling.

Yeah, it's so fun.

We should go bowling somewhere.

On Coke.

On Blue Chew.

That'd be sick.

I used to go bowling almost every day in Cedar Park, Texas.

It was during Happy Hour.

They had $5 all-you-can bowl.

Wow.

So we would just stay there for three hours and get fucking trashed.

I got so into Coke and bowling that I have my own ball that's at the gutter.

It's there.

Wow.

They keep the ball down.

Do you have one of those clear ones with a skull inside?

No, that's from the movie Mystery Men.

Yeah, it's badass.

Yeah.

Which is weird.

You couldn't make that movie today.

You couldn't make that today.

You get a bunch of fucking...

Sorry, but you get people, like trans people showing up, wondering, and they're like, okay, well, Mystery Men.

It sounds like this is going to be about me, but

it's a bunch of fucking bowling bullshit.

It's about Pee-Wee Herman.

Pee-Wee Herman and Dane Cook are in this.

Was Dane Cook in it?

Dane Cook is in the movie, yeah.

Wow.

Did you guys see my remix of Jordan Peterson's yelling on Twitter?

You saw Jordan Peterson doing the

fuck.

And then I remixed it.

I really don't know.

Nothing's wrong with me.

I do.

It's pretty good.

Well, I didn't see him yelling.

I also don't know.

You're doing content.

I don't understand how he continues to, like, he persists as, like, a cultural thing.

Well, that's the problem, is he is like.

He is like a very intellectually savvy person.

He's very articulate.

He's very educated.

And then he comes out and just has a full hissy fit and a three-piece suit.

But that's what he's been doing.

Yeah, I mean,

I think he's that's the whole thing.

He dresses up like Mr.

Conductor to go on Joe Rogan.

He's like, fat women are disgusting.

And people are like, you look like a fucking faggot.

And he's like, stop.

And now that's his career.

Yeah.

Oh, brutal.

Watching him read from the prompter.

His angry.

You can't have reading something angry from a prompter.

It doesn't look right.

Yeah.

It's just him being like, and fuck this institution.

Fuck this institution.

Yeah, it's really.

Do you think Hitler used prompter?

I don't.

I think he was motivated by the real, true, God-given love of Jews.

I mean, hatred of Jews.

We gotta get.

We gotta kill all of the

Jews.

Yeah.

No, that's what I mean.

You gotta be activated by it.

You gotta be bad.

You gotta be bold.

You gotta get it.

You gotta

Tracy Chapman is our musical guest tonight on the Adam Friedland show.

I would love to get Tracy.

That would be amazing.

Does your mom like Tracy?

No.

I thought Tracy was a man for

you.

Tracy, you're here.

I thought she was a white man.

I got to ask you.

I've always imagined, does your pussy look like a big tray of brownies that hasn't been cut yet?

That's what I imagine.

And I just got to.

I'm getting your mind going.

I got to ask.

I'm thinking, I'm imagining your pussy and a big 8x10 tin of just freshly cooked brownies.

Am I close?

Yeah.

Am I any closer?

Is it like that?

All right, forget the question.

Margaret Cho.

Margaret Cho.

Yeah.

You ever meet Margaret Cho?

Did you ever fuck Margaret Cho?

When you're driving around, you're going around your fast car, just picking up trim.

Just picking up trim and shoving it in your big brownie box.

Today's episode of the Adam Friedland Show is brought to you by Blue Chew.

BlueChew.com, folks.

If you love sex, you'll love Blue Chew.com.

Yeah.

It's a website where you can buy

that help get your dick hard.

This was the thing about the old show that I got in the habit of completely checking out

during ad reads.

And I'll just look at stuff like this.

Look at that.

What a great still.

Oh, beautiful.

You remember him?

Tony Little.

Look at those not little breasts, those perfect breasts.

Do you know who this guy is?

No.

This guy was a fitness, like,

he would advertise the gazelle freestyle.

Oh, that guy with the ponytail.

Oh,

I love that guy.

That's a good man.

Yeah, but his life story is amazing.

Because he was like a fitness guy, but he just, like, he would have, he has, like, the worst luck in the world.

Like, he'd finally get like a

commercial fitness guy job.

And then he got hit by a bus.

Nice.

And then when he was recovering.

Yeah, then when he was recovering from that, he accidentally sat down in like a tub of acid in his friend's garage.

How?

And like burned his ass in the side.

No, he was doing some

acid ass play.

Yeah.

And he got in too deep.

Yeah, and then got like spinal meningitis.

And he kind of invented being trans or like this power trans look.

Yeah.

Anyways, Blue Chew.com, Tony Little's Blue Chew.com is a

Blue Chew.com.

Let's go here real quick.

There's this guy, and you already know about Blue Chew.

You said you got

one a go.

You gave one a go.

I didn't take one.

I would like to take one and see if I get the, you know, the pebble clit or whatever people talk about.

Oh, wow.

Nobody's ever said pebble clit to me.

No, I think a woman would get wetter probably.

No,

a little kidney stone.

I think you get a little kidney stone.

Don't you think it would send the blood to my clitoris?

Maybe.

I think I don't know.

Does it send gorgeous?

I don't really know.

It has to send blood to your dick because when I, the dude that I was with took it and it was like a dildo.

I mean, it's like a rock-hard

metal

mechanical creature that arises, that comes into the room, that enters the room.

And you're like, hey, we didn't invite you in here.

That's what girls like?

No, I wasn't that into it.

No, we're doing it.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, it was great.

I've came a thousand times.

Yeah.

It came over and over.

And you're asking, does it work on the sideways kind?

And the answer is yes.

Come on.

All right.

This is the read.

They want us to give them the facts.

I'm sorry, dude.

No, I shouldn't.

Look, I need this job, at least for the next six months.

I need it for longer, probably the rest of my life.

However, you want me to do the reads, I'll do them.

I have nothing left, dude.

I poop my pants on the internet.

I can't.

That was Come Town.

I know.

It's a different show.

What am I going to do?

I need T A F S

and I need your friendship.

Discuss Tadafi and Teladafi.

What is that?

Great question, Jordan.

This is an extra service they offer as you can talk to the Blue Chew people about

these two Muslim guys that came up with the company.

Really?

Saddafi and Tadafalah were the Muslim brothers that actually came up with the Bluetooth.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not going to say anything negative about that, but I'd like to.

Good job.

Thank you.

The Muslim Brotherhood.

What's happened with those guys?

They're still doing their thing.

I always imagine it's like

a Mario and Luigi type.

The Muslim bros.

One's a little taller, a little faster.

Muslim Bros A bank.

Yeah.

Like a plumbing company.

Yeah.

The Muslim Brotherhood.

Who did they kill Sadat?

Sadat?

They killed Anwar Sadat.

Who's that?

He was the president of Egypt, I believe.

Really?

I thought it was Dalseem.

No.

Dalseem's Indian.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, he's stretchy arms.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's kind of cheating a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When you play, like, you stay away and you do stretchy arms.

Yeah.

Pissing me off.

I just remember pin drop.

Anyway, so

at bluechew.com, you can talk to one of their licensed medical providers.

No awkward visits to the doctor.

You do it from the safety and warmth of your own home, right?

They prescribe you sildenophil or tadalafil.

You got it just like a, you do a video conference.

I prefer to wear like a fun, like I wear like a guy fox mask and I tent my fingers.

You did that?

Yeah, when I meet with them.

And they still gave it to you?

Yeah, they'll prescribe anybody anything.

Really?

Yeah, in fact, when you're talking, these are doctors.

So you can always ask.

They're probably going to say no.

But you can say, look, as long as I'm here.

Can I get some coat?

Can I get some DepiCote?

Oh.

You try to get oxies off them?

Yeah,

let me get some

Xannies, some beans, Perk 90s.

You know?

Yeah, a couple of tabs.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get it.

Goses.

I'm trying to get it.

I just saw Boz Luhrmann's Elvis.

I'm trying to get it.

Dude, it's so good.

I would liked it.

I would go again with you.

In the end of his life, he kind of turned into a Korean woman.

Elvis?

Oh, on Elvis.

Yeah, totally.

Look at some of those last performances.

It's like, is this Elvis Presley or Margaret Cho?

I have no idea.

KD Lang a little bit.

No?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does your mom like KD Lang?

No.

Oh, okay.

She likes Bruce Springsteen, and that's it.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Oh, cool.

Anyway, you go to this website, promo code ComeTown or ComeTown20.

We're going to get that

changed to

Adam Friedland.

Oh, he does look like a Korean woman.

Look at that beautiful lady.

Welcome to the next level.

You saw that movie, didn't it?

Wasn't it annoying that the cotton ball in his lip the whole time?

No, it was great.

It wasn't distracting?

No.

Tom Hanks sucked, but the rest of it was great.

This is a song that I just recorded.

It's an old song called Unchained Melody.

He's panting.

Wait, this is

just a second.

Oh, this is his final performance.

Is he at the piano?

Give my fingers caught and put in

keys.

This is me on the last episode of Come Tech.

Yeah.

Just play the

Gene Donapoli video.

Dude, this is just like Keith Rob guy from the office, black guy from the office?

Craig Robinson.

Craig.

Craig Robinson.

This was him the other night at the VU.

Truly.

He had another buddy with him who had the name of a different.

It was was weird.

But he was like,

help me down into the piano.

And somebody had to lower him down to the piano.

And then he played, yeah, he played for like an hour and a half panting.

Like this

into the micron.

Maybe he also saw Elvis and he's trying to go a Margaret Show route.

Yeah, you're going that direction.

Anyway, if you go to bluechew.com, you put in promo code ComeTown or Come Town20, you only pay $5 shipping and get your first month free.

If it doesn't work out for you, you cancel.

But I think it's going to work out for you.

You're going to get your dick hard, and you're going to satisfy ladies like

Jordan.

Yeah.

Or any other.

I was just satisfied just by the sheer structurally.

It was a structurally sound object.

Do you like it bendier?

Well,

kind of like one of those human dicks.

We're selling.

You're selling tires.

You like one of those air machines.

Like a lot of car salesman things?

Yeah.

Doesn't everybody?

No, I don't know.

I don't know.

No, I'm telling you, this thing was, you really could do some damage.

It was like this.

Truly.

You guys know you've done that.

Make that noise too.

You guys felt like it was a part of your body when you did it?

Speaking of part of your body, I had FaceTime sex the first time.

Oh, yeah.

How do you, have you done that a lot?

Yeah.

Okay, if I'm holding the camera down on my stomach, right?

No, no.

No, no, no.

You have to set it up

where you can, like,

you know, do the, like, spread the sushi, that kind of thing, for the fellow.

You have to set up the camera.

Yeah, you have to, like, brace the camera and then, like, freestyle.

I just had it aimed at what I was doing, and then I was looking at what he was doing.

But the way that it was set up, it looked like I was jacking off.

Now was this a pandemic thing?

You just showed your own hand?

I did.

No, no, I showed.

Yeah, it was my own hand, exactly.

But then I was.

But the way it was set up, because he was jacking off his dick, it looked like it was me jacking off a dick.

Serious, talk about dysmorphia.

Really made me feel like it was spooky.

But am I supposed to show my face or my vagina?

No, the whole package.

No, I can't do that.

I'm not going to set up a fucking Zoom meeting with my guy.

You know what I mean?

I'm not going to

do an audition taste.

You set the phone up, and then you do like a little.

And if you're a Margaret Joe, make sure it's in landscape.

So Cometown or Cometown20 at Blue Chew.com.

No awkward visits to the doctor.

No awkward visits to the pharmacy.

It gets sent to your house, discreet packaging.

You get your day card, and they taste great.

Like Flintstones kids.

They do taste good.

Yeah.

I do it for the taste.

I ate a whole thing of Flintstones vitamins once when I was like 10.

Me too.

I love the taste.

My mom called me.

And that's why you're so tall.

A lot of people at home, they don't realize you're 7-2.

Yeah, 7-2.

All Flintstones.

One overdose on the table.

But I was like a huge fat kid.

And I ate like a tub of these things.

And my doctor was like, she's good.

Dude, when you do the upstate, you probably just take you to the vet.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My fat daughter ate too many Flintstones vitamins.

That's what the doctor said.

Like, your daughter will be fine, but you also need to go work on this.

Yeah, you need to take her to the dog hospital.

I don't think we treat children like that here at St.

Jude's.

Bring her down to the zoo.

Take her to one of those brownie pussy dykes they got down in the zoo.

Yeah.

She'll set the girl straight.

Yeah, anyway.

Are you still doing the ad right now?

Oh, yeah, it's over.

Yeah, the ad's over.

We're back.

We've got to have more discreet commercial breaks, I think, when we get the show going,

especially as we transition to video,

it's going to be more of a talk show.

Here's what I want.

When we have the talk show, we have the set come up, and I'll do this as the producer.

But for each one of the objects, remember that we're all going to the lobby thing?

Right, right.

So I'm going to get a foam rubber costume of all the products.

And I'll come out and I'll do a song and dance number as like a Blue Chew packet.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

And I'll be like a Blue Chew packet, but I'll also take a Blue Chew.

And your dick will come out of it.

My dick will come out of the suit.

It'll be like a

little confetti.

I love that.

You'll put a little curtain, and it'll come out of a little curtain in the suit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we'll get I'll get another guy who's in a dick costume, a big dick costume.

Your boyfriend.

And I'll be the Blue Chew, and then they can fuck me in the ass with their dick and come out of the dick costume.

And then it's like there's no better relationship than the relationship between your dick and Blue Chew or whatever.

Two men in college.

It has to be 15 minutes long.

Fucking through holes.

That's pretty good.

We've got to find someone to make those suits, though.

I thought we were going to talk about gun violence.

We are going to talk about gun violence.

We've still got the second half of the show.

We haven't even gotten in the monologue yet.

Yeah, you're going to like our monologue.

We put a lot of work into it.

Okay, cool.

We tried to this afternoon, but then

I had too many walnuts and got into Mario Golf.

Yeah, that happened.

Walnuts leads to the business.

What was that with the recycling earlier?

Oh, the bag was stuck in the trash can.

That was a little, that was excessive.

I lost my temper.

You did?

Yeah, yeah.

If the bag gets stuck in the trash can, and then you lift it up and the whole garbage can be.

He was slamming the trash can down, and he was saying, God damn it.

I got into an almost physical fight with a homeless man on the street outside the cellar for like the third time this month.

Did he pretend he was from the future?

He pretended that he had one bad eye.

The other one was like glassy and

cum-colored, but I wasn't buying it.

You know what I mean?

Oh, so he was completely blind.

He's like, No, I'm just, I only got, I'm only blind.

He was like, Oh, I'm blind, and I was like, You're not blind.

And he was like, I can't see anything.

And I was like, Shut up, you piece of shit.

You know what I mean?

One of these people pretending to be blind.

Oh, so yeah, so he had, he still had the other eye, but he was pretending he was blind.

Yeah, he was pretending he was like homeless and blind, you know, really downtrodden by life.

And I was like, You can't fool me.

Well, then what you say to that guy immediately is you're like, Well, I'm a homeless black woman, so I got bigger problems.

Right, right, right, right.

I should have said that.

If he says, You're not black, then you say, Ah, you've fallen for the Sphinx's gambit.

Yeah, I'm from the future.

So if you're going to write that down,

if you can see me.

If you can see me, and you know I'm not.

Oh,

yes.

You're like, you think you got problems.

I try to get it.

I have a birthmark on my forehead that looks like a swastika.

Yeah.

And then he can't be like, no, you don't.

Because he's too busy pretending to be blind.

Or I could just go back and be like, I'm actually a blind black man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just hit him hard with the, because I think that would activate him enough.

And then he's like, well, you don't sound like a blind black man.

You're like, that's why I've never been able to find my community.

Right.

I'm like the 52 hertz whale.

Yeah, you can't play piano like the rest of the blind black guys.

Yeah, that must be rough.

It's got to suck to be like a little black kid that's blind.

And then you're like, well, at least I can play the piano.

And then you just suck dick at the piano.

That wouldn't suck.

You suck because you're blind.

You just suck.

Because, you know, that's statistically, it's got to be most of them.

You got to be a little black kid.

You lose your eyesight, and you think that piano is going to be your saving grace.

And 99% of the time, they are just dog shit at piano.

Yeah, it's only been two guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That stinks.

And then you say, well, at least you're not going to be in a fucking gang now.

You know?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe it's, you know, now you can be the data from Star Trek.

I don't know what the other kind of black guy there is.

No, that's Jordy.

Jordy.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Data is super white.

I thought you're the Star Trek guy.

What do you mean?

Just because I'm like a nerd?

Or like I'm an autistic guy?

What does that even mean?

I'm not a Star Trek guy.

You answered your own question.

You do seem like a sort of Star Trek guy.

What is that?

Adam smells bad, by the way.

Why are you saying that right now?

Because I'm sure you're acting different.

Well, I thought maybe she thought it was me that smelled.

Don't call me.

Who's calling you?

My girlfriend.

She loves me.

Oh.

Pick it up.

No.

I keep my private life private.

Shall I?

Why do you smell bad?

Let me get your mouse on.

Because she doesn't want me using aluminum-based

underarm anymore.

Really?

Yeah.

She's worried that he's going to get breast cancer.

Oh, she doesn't want you to die.

On some girl blog, she was like,

you can't do it anymore.

So I have to use this natural crap.

And I smell like shit.

Yeah, you have to wear the real real stuff and it's a thousand percent humidity and like two minutes later i already smell bad and the jewish out of the shower thing also what do you mean jews smell bad what's wrong with you no i wasn't saying anything i was just kidding small penis

it wasn't it was i was trying to yeah yeah okay of course is it the crocs and socks is that the smell not crocs they're keens

no it's my armpits you want to smell them

what if what if she smells them and she's like those are pheromones

a homeless black guy did tell me that one time when i was a teenager.

He's like,

I remember he bummed a cigarette off me.

He's like, you give me a cigarette.

I'll give you some advice you ain't never going to forget.

And he was, yeah, he told me a story about fucking

pheromones?

Pheromones.

Yeah, pheromones are real.

I tried to hook up with a guy, very attracted to him, but couldn't get down with the smell.

Really?

Couldn't do it.

Yeah.

Really?

No, I think that's just people being unattractive because they smell bad.

It's supposed to be the opposite.

He didn't smell bad.

It just wasn't the right.

And when I had long-hauled COVID, I lost my sense of smell for so long.

And I couldn't.

I was like, I think my vagina is broken.

I just can't get into it.

And then when I could smell again, it all came back.

Yeah,

I just got COVID again.

Yeah.

Two times, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How'd it go?

Did you lose your smell?

No, the first time I did for a day, and then the second time it was like nothing.

I lost it for a year.

Damn, that's crazy.

You couldn't smell anything.

Well, it all came when you have the long one, it comes back, but it smells like everybody was like, oh, it's like, it smells like rotten meat when it comes back.

It's all one smell, and it is the smell of like dank, bad pussy is what it smells like.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mom was gone for a day, and then it just came back suddenly and like perfectly.

It was like binary, right?

On off.

Isn't it weird when you lose it, though?

It feels it kind of like going blind.

Why is it weird?

Yeah, I didn't even realize that I had lost it, and then I forget what I smelled.

Then I stuck my nose in a bag of like tobacco, and I couldn't smell it.

Yeah, spooky.

So I didn't realize Marva Cho is all tatted up.

Do you think these are like Yakuza

gang related?

They are.

Because in their cultures, you're not allowed to have.

A lot of cultures, tattoos, you have to be in a gang to have them.

Whereas in America...

You're a Holocaust survivor.

Yeah, in America, you just need to be...

You know, anybody can get tattoos.

I don't respect tattoos.

I'm sorry.

I know.

I hate them.

I wish they were gone.

They're disgusting.

Your parents should have stayed together.

You wouldn't do that.

Keep my pure form.

Yeah.

I agree.

Yeah, I used to do a joke about

after the Holocaust, like, to cheer themselves up, like, Jewish guys just getting a dollar sign tattooed in front of the number yeah that's good that's very good that's very

classic that's funny you always see those the

the trash girls with like the date of their first child that they had when they were four four years old you know what i mean right there and really how does that not offend people yeah it'll be like ninety seven wow it's too close you can't do it you know what i mean

no

i don't know i don't even know what they look like i remember that i remember there was a seventh heaven episode where there's a neighbor that was in the Holocaust and Simon delivers their groceries or something.

And the sleeve comes up and he's like,

why does Mr.

Feldstein have a tattoo?

And the parents are like, well, because they have the wrong religion.

He's going to hell.

Yeah, he's going to

be fipped out.

Do you think Auschwitz was worse than hell or probably the same?

Probably the same.

I've been hearing that Auschwitz wasn't the worst thing in the world.

They had boxes.

We did fights.

I've just been coming up.

People are like,

there were some Jews that could get cigarettes and they were higher up on the totem pole.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, those.

Yeah.

No, capos.

All right, I don't know the fucking colours.

The ones that would snitch to the Nazis.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I also heard that that guy who wrote the book, that he was like a Holocaust, that he was in the Holocaust.

Kelly was a

Primo Levy.

The guy who wrote,

fuck.

Something, Another Man, One Man, something about being a Holocaust and finding meaning because he was in the Holocaust.

It's a very famous You gave me the book.

The game.

No.

A man's search for meaning.

A man's search for meaning.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I recently heard he wasn't.

It was a book that,

and this is more of a come-town thing, but Adam gave me the book and recommended it to me and said it was very good.

Yeah.

You know what I did read is the game.

Neil Strauss is the game.

I have read that.

And that was also from Auschwitz.

It was.

He wrote it there.

Yeah, about Neg and how to get it.

But he really was there, yeah.

How to get his name.

I stole that book from my buddy just because I wanted to read it.

And seeing the shit that he had highlighted was cripplingly funny.

Really?

One of them was like, Enter every room grinning.

That was one of the

Coney Island guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Enter every room grinning.

And now you can be in bar, and you can see people who've read the game.

And you can be like, I see what you're doing there.

Yeah.

I never smile, I don't think.

I've never seen you smile.

100%.

I do it in pictures sometimes, and then I look like a freak.

I've seen you smile.

Yeah.

When we saw that old gay guy at Pride the other day that looked like me at 70.

That was that wasn't a Pride.

It was outside of Carolines.

But it was during Pride.

I got him with the best that you I've ever gotten.

It was crucial.

I mean this guy, just this like, this frantic old Jewish guy with stringy I mean he looked like Gaddafi and like fucking like a pink tight like accent like you know when like a 70 year old Jewish guy is like I got a personal trainer It was perfect.

And then the gym clothes they buy, just like that kind of like real loose,

kind of flowy Lululemon thing.

And he had a little purse with them.

He wasn't even like, I mean, it was like, I don't even know if he was gay.

He was just like, he was like, he's just testosterone.

He's described like a Jewish Floridian.

That's what I'm hearing.

No, it's like when you hit a certain age as a Jew,

your testosterone has been gone for decades.

You transcend gender.

Yeah.

Nathan Lane in the Broncage kind of thing.

Yeah.

No, no.

No, that's too femme.

That's too performative.

It's just like

you're neither male nor female.

Yeah.

You're almost there.

You're already there.

I'm kind of, yeah.

What did my lesbian friend say about you?

That you were a transitional guy?

That you were a good person?

I said that to her, actually.

But she did.

I love her.

She got back together with that cunt, by the way.

Why?

I know.

It's crazy.

Why?

I don't know.

I'm really upset about that.

I know.

I'm really upset about it, too.

It just happened today.

Oh, my God.

I really crushed it with a lesbian guy.

She really liked you.

She hits everybody.

She cheated on on her with a woman that worked.

Lesbians hate me, and we became best friends.

Also, speaking of homeless, when I was trying to give that homeless guy the wings, you were trying to stop me.

I really get in fights with those homeless men a lot.

They drive me nuts around the cellar.

I'm telling you, I got into almost a physical fight with two in one week.

It's not good.

Why?

Because

they get too close to you and then you're like, hey, could you back up a little bit?

And then they come, like, he was just reaching in for the food.

I can't stand the touching.

Nobody should be touching.

It's like get the cellar if you get off stage and people try to do the good game, good game, high five.

I'm like, get your disgusting little grubby ass.

It's gross.

Yeah.

You get an air horn to blast.

I would love that.

I would really, really love that.

That's a great idea.

Well, because they're blind, so mace does really nothing.

But an air horn.

No, mace makes them stronger.

I've tried it.

But the air horn is a great idea.

A little baton, just take him right out of the knee.

Yeah.

Man, an air horn is good.

Yeah, I got into a fight with a guy who walked up to me.

He just took a phone call basically on my body.

We were just outside, and he just went, hello, and he was right next to me.

I was like, what are you doing?

He had a phone?

He had a phone, yeah.

He answered it, and he was like, hello.

This guy wasn't homeless, actually.

And I was like, dude, you're just going to be that close to me.

And he was like, yo,

my woman will come down here and kill.

And I was like, you are nut.

And then I started screaming at him.

And then he said, he goes, I'm going to spit on you.

And that's what I was like, oh, I forgot.

You surely will do that.

And then I ran away from him.

Jesus.

The spitting.

That's like it.

I kind of always wanted to be one of those guys that picks a fight and and then has my muscly girlfriend beat up women.

I'm like, I just get drunk.

I just didn't get the logistics of this guy.

He's going to call his girlfriend.

He's like ass, baby.

And then a big muscle woman comes up and beats a woman up.

I'm like, that's right.

We can make that happen for you.

Yeah.

And then she carries me.

Like a Julia Vince type.

Oh, I forgot about Julia.

Do you know Julia Vins?

Who's Julia Vince?

We'll pull Julia Vins up real quick.

She has like the face of a doll.

She's this Russian.

The body of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yeah, Russian people.

Oh, Karen Feehan.

Yes.

Karen Feehan does not look like this.

No.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Karen's pretty fucking jacked.

Not like that.

Yeah, Karen Fahrenheit.

Does she have to take testosterone to get there?

I'm sure.

I'm sure she's irradiated.

And this is like only Russia could produce something like that.

My sister's kind of like that, actually.

Is she?

Yeah, she looks like that a little bit.

That's scary.

Yeah.

Whoa, that's not real.

That's photoshopped.

What?

She's got got to be on tea.

No, look at her tiny little head.

How'd she do that?

Creatine.

I guess, you know,

they just got weird genetics over there.

I'm thinking about getting on tea myself.

My other

friend is thinking about getting on tea.

Because he's sleepy all the time.

Yeah, he's sleepy all the time.

Yeah.

I never sleep.

I can't sleep.

I never I have insomnia.

I haven't slept in four days.

Yeah.

Yeah, you start to you start to feel like you're tripping all the time.

Yeah, no, I mean, I sleep like four hours a night.

It's like a real problem.

I've tried everything.

I'm like up to like three muscle relaxers a night.

It doesn't do anything.

I tried a hardcore, like almost like a rooflet the other day.

I actually got good sleep last night, and I just actually,

you know, usually I'll go to bed and I'll turn the lights off because I think you're supposed to do that.

Yeah.

I stayed on the couch and I just watched Better Call Saul until I fell asleep, and I fell asleep at a normal time.

Yeah, because you weren't thinking yourself to death.

Yeah.

Well, I don't really stay up thinking.

I just, I mean, I do, but it's like not like anxiety or anything.

No, I don't know how people can do the like the on your market set, it's sleep time.

Like when my buddies will do that, like if I'm not.

I used to be able to.

I used to be more active.

I would, I would, like, uh.

Even when I run six miles every day, I still get sleep full and so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not worrying or anything.

It's just

you're just up.

It just doesn't, the switch doesn't hit.

Yeah.

What does help?

If you take Nyquil, Nyquil is the key.

No, but you feel like shit the next day.

They have Z-Quill without like all the medicine.

Yeah, I take that too.

Sometimes it's fun to just be sleep-deprived, and especially doing stand-up.

It feels great.

It's like I'm fast on stage.

Oh, so.

I crushed so hard the other day when I was in sparkly zone, almost passing out.

You do great because you don't care, and you're like, this is a dream.

That guy's a lizard.

Who fucking, you know what I mean?

Like, everything's.

It's like doing stand-up on mushrooms sometimes.

If you get the right dosage, it's good.

This is not real.

Gun violence.

Yeah.

I mean, we kind of burned the whole

99.

Look, there's already people saying, I don't know about this Adam Friedland show.

No, I mean, last time they were talking about getting a studio.

Now they're eating terror chips on the streets.

No, we're going to get a studio.

It's going to be a proper late-night talk show.

Yeah.

Intellectual, mind you.

I was thinking more morning show.

I was thinking Hoda and oh, that's good.

Yeah, Kathy Lee.

I was saying,

we want to do the show 9 a.m.

and you're drunk off wine already.

Yeah.

You know,

you're a drunken Persian bitch from Westchester.

Yeah.

And you drive down to Midtown drunk every morning in your S-Class.

I would love that.

And you get a DUI every day that they let slide

so that you can do the Adam Friedland morning show.

That's my goal in life.

Wow.

To marry a powerful woman and then just be on Xanax all day long.

Yeah, just in

a rich woman.

Like to be Doug,

the wife of

Kamala Harris.

Yeah.

And then just be in bed all day.

It'd be tragic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's probably what he's doing.

Old school telephone, like that red telephone right next to you.

Oh my god, it'd be incredible.

Yeah.

That's what I'm gonna do.

I can imagine you with your

dick and balls tucked back like shockingly easy right now.

Like I can, it's crazy how much I can pick up.

No, every time I've done, like, a face app of me as a lady, it's no, I don't imagine that.

I really am just saying you with it tucked back, with your legs slightly crossed.

I really, it doesn't

buffalo build.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Buffalo build.

Yeah, my little bits.

No mental dynamics I'm having to do.

Yeah.

Really easy.

No,

we'll stop.

I'm going to do it later.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm not going to do it for you.

You're not going to do it.

Okay.

I'll show you the

other side.

I'll show you the bowl of fruit.

Oh, okay, okay.

I'm not going to show you the front.

Okay.

That's for my girlfriend.

It's too intimate.

So,

should we do like the monologue?

We can go through.

I don't know.

I think it might be too late for we have to go to Andy's.

Do you really have a monologue prepared?

Yeah.

We had a whole monologue, and like

we wrote all day for this.

Did you really?

Yeah.

I don't believe you.

Yeah.

Oh, we did.

I can't tell what's this here and what's not since here.

How about you?

It wasn't a productive day.

No, we had a nice day.

All right, let's give it a go.

Okay, how about you read?

I'm not reading anything.

No, no, no, no.

Our guests will read this one.

Okay.

Oh, you're gonna make the guests do the work?

Yeah, yeah, it's like Norm McDonald.

It's nice.

Read the one highlighter.

Who's Norm McDonald?

Well, yeah, you're Adam.

I'm Norm.

No, I'm Nick.

Computers.

Nuts.

Okay.

Read that one.

Monologue voice.

Weekend update.

Okay.

Is this record or record?

What?

Record.

Record.

Yep.

Okay.

Well, it's not a crazy question.

Okay.

Records sign up for vasectomies after Roe v.

Wade ruling.

In fact, lines are so backed up, it's harder to get a vasectomy than it is to get an abortion.

Yet, you don't see men protesting, which begs the question: are women just being whiny cunts?

That's pretty funny, right?

Do the sound effect.

That's like a monologue joke.

Okay.

The Pope, Won't Me Keep going?

Yeah, do another one.

The Pope dismissed resignation rumors following a knee injury, saying the thought never entered his mind.

When asked for comment, he said, it's going to take a lot more than a dick-sucking injury to get me out of this job.

That's funny.

Okay.

Do another one.

A North Carolina woman was left with a zombie flesh-eating disease after being chased by a skunk.

She first noticed symptoms of the gangrene condition in November, about a month after she had a run-in with an aggressive skunk.

While the suspect remains at large, he was heard fleeing the scene saying,

La Belle Femme, Veluz Vous Couché ave,

pe soie.

It's a Pepe Le Pieu

with a skunk.

That was my joke.

I wrote that one.

Yeah, Nick wrote, I think, all the other ones.

Maybe at the top, read some of them before the top.

Ricky Martin was hit with a domestic violence restraining order.

That's funny.

Details haven't been disclosed, but considering Puerto Rico has some of the most lax domestic violence laws in the country, you know it's got to be bad.

One thing's for certain, she won't be living the Vita Locan.

It's pretty good.

I like that joke.

Are we done?

You want me to keep going?

Joey Chestnut?

We got

more wave size satisfaction.

Joey Chestnut says he's not feeling good after his 15th win in a row at the annual Coney Island Hot Dog Competition.

But said it pales in comparison to how bad he felt last month after winning the 10th consecutive title at the 10th annual Dog Shit Eating.

Why is 10th Annual in there twice?

It's 10th consecutive title.

It's 10th consecutive title at the 10th anniversary.

It's clumsy.

I should have changed it.

It should just say

it pales in comparison to how bad he felt after his win this year at the 10th annual dog shit eating conference.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Did you write 10th consecutive or me?

I wrote 10th annual, and you put in 10th consecutive annual Philadelphia.

No, I tried to say Philadelphia Dog Shit Eating Competition.

Philadelphia is funny.

That's funny for jokes.

Just the word Philadelphia?

Yeah, like, you know, those clowns in Philadelphia at the Philadelphia Dog Shit Eating Competition.

I hear you.

You're not wrong, but I think what you were looking for was Kalamazoo.

Yeah, Philadelphia is funny.

Okay.

Kalamazoo, what the hell is that place?

It said, but where are we?

Australia?

Yeah, it sounds Australian.

Is it not in Australia?

Okay.

No, it's in like Michigan or something.

What?

Is it really?

Yeah, Kalamazoo's here.

Kalamazoo.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

I guarantee you.

I guarantee you they've had a mass shooting in

Michigan.

Yeah, K-A-L-A-M-N-I.

If this is in the United States.

Come on, bro.

What?

It's an intellectual talk show about gun violence.

We're going to have Thomas Sowell on.

I'm going to try and trick him into spelling the N-word on that.

Tim Dylan loves that guy.

Does he?

I think so.

Dude, that guy, Thomas Sowell, is hilarious.

He's the OG Ben Carson.

I mean,

he's way better than Ben Carson.

You go back 100 years, that guy's on talk show.

He's like, black people are actually the laziest.

He's pushing up his glasses.

Being like, thanks for having me on, Adolph.

You know, I actually read a study out of Japan that says that black people, they have the brains of walnut-sized brains.

Yeah.

Oh, Adam was doing research for these.

I see that he has a tab pulled up called Pepe Lapute.

You were googling Pepe Lapute.

I wanted to see things he would say.

Maybe do the first joke, the Scrabble joke, and then we'll end the show.

Scrabble has removed 400 slurs from its official word list, thereby giving

up its title as the world's most racist board game, a title which is now held by Monopoly George Floyd Edition.

That's pretty defensive.

What are these ones that are in black?

These didn't make the cut.

Those weren't finished.

A South Jersey man went on a nude crime spree

to finish it.

South Jersey man went on a nude crime spree, but I don't even know what he did.

He hijacked a car.

We'll get some new ones.

Let me just scroll through the headlines of the New York Post real quick.

Toddler who lost both parents in Highland Park shooting was found under dad's body.

No, Nick, that's not funny.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Irina McCarthy, Kevin McCarthy, and 88-year-old Steven Strauss have been identified as three victims killed when alleged gunman Robert Crimo opened fighting.

None of this.

Cremo, yeah.

Robert Cremo.

It just happened.

It's not very funny.

All right, okay.

The toddler who lost both parents in Highland Park shooting was found under their dad's body.

Oh, wait, here we go.

Here's a better headline.

I'm deeply, deeply sorry, says the uncle of suspected Highland shooter, Highland Park shooter Robert Cremo.

Let's see what this guy sounds like.

Wow, he apologized.

Hour Dane Placco just spoke with Cremo's uncle.

Let's listen into that.

Cremo and Placco.

Paul, thanks for talking to us.

What did you want to say to the people who were hurt, the families of the people that were killed?

I just want to say I'm deeply, deeply sorry for

everyone

that lost their lives and got injured.

From the bottom of my heart,

I'm heartbroken, and

my heart is shattered to hear this.

And

I can't even believe it.

I can't even

believe it.

And I just want to express my...

I think this guy's mentally disabled.

Yeah, it's not very fun.

It's making me feel bad for this.

Wait, that is the shooter?

No, it's his uncle.

Yeah.

He was a white rabbit.

All right, here we go.

It sucks.

New Yorkers face return of alternate.

Yeah.

He's a bad guy.

Okay, read it.

It sucks.

New Yorkers face return of alternate side parking after two-year hiatus.

It sucks, man, said Ricardo Sinclair, 43, an electrician who commutes to Manhattan from Poughkeepsie.

Alternate side parking.

That's what they call land in a dick and Margaret Chose.

Yes.

That's pretty good.

Very good.

All right.

Pelosi.

Oh, here we go.

Nancy Pelosi's husband was arrested for a DUI.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

Speaker, DUI

Cavort at Italian Resort owned by Andrea.

There's too many Italian words in this.

I can't figure it.

Alright, yeah, Nancy Pelosi's husband got a DUI.

You probably think that stands for driving under the influence,

but

doesn't.

It's actually in this instance, it means doesn't understand why his Italian cunt wife gets away with insider trading.

Yeah, it's true.

That's a good point.

And it's woke.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Doesn't

do

what the fuck does DUI stand for?

Doesn't

driving

under the influence.

Doesn't understand

why we got to do the morning show.

It'll be too late.

We got to have three Zinfandels.

We have to meet Andy, too.

And we also, yeah, we got to go meet Andy.

Who's Andy?

I don't know.

Some guy that, some guy, some famous YouTuber No, no, don't say it.

You've said we got to go meet Andy like seven times.

Yeah, we're meeting the boy from Toy Story.

Your show.

Yeah,

we get raped.

We get raped in an alley.

We're meeting Andy from Toy Story.

Margaret Show strikes again.

All right.

You guys have been great.

Thanks for tuning in to

having us.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Bye.

You can check out Jordan.

You got anything you want to plug?

Oh, I got all sorts of shows coming up.

Go to my website, JordanJensonComedy.com.

I'll be at Helium Buffalo all this week if you guys want to come out.

I'm sure those tickets are not sold.

Also, if you want to support the Adam Friedland show, we are getting a studio.

We do have to meet the Toy Story guy.

Oh, I'm at Hilarities with Ian Fidance, and then I'm headlining the next weekend.

Very nice.

Go check out patreon.com slash calm town.

And we'll see you guys next week.

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