Listen and follow along
Transcript
Hey guys, cooler temperatures are rolling in and as always Quince is where I'm turning for false staples that actually last from cashmere to denim to boots the quality holds up and the price still blows me away.
Quince has the kind of false staples you'll be wearing non-stop, like super soft 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at just 60 bucks.
Their real denim is durable and it fits right and their real leather jackets bring that clean classic edge without the elevated price tag.
What makes Quince different?
They partner directly with ethical factories and they skip the middleman.
So you'll be getting top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.
Guys, a lot of people have been asking me what's different about me recently.
I've lied to some of you.
You know, I said I'm going back to the gym.
That's not happening.
I said that, you know, I got a fucking bangs.
That didn't happen either.
What happened is I've been wearing Quince.
And more specifically, I've been wearing their 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.
Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.
Go to quince.com slash T-A-F-S for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.
That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash t-a-f-s.
Free shipping, 365-day returns, quince.com/slash tabs.
Start your journey toward the perfect engagement ring with Yadav, family owned and operated since 1983.
We'll pair you with a dedicated expert for a personalized one-on-one experience.
You'll explore our curated selection of diamonds and gemstones while learning key characteristics to help you make a confident, informed decision.
Choose from our signature styles or opt for a fully custom design crafted around you.
Visit yadavjewelry.com and book your appointment today at our new Union Square showroom and mention podcast for an exclusive discount.
I'll get the levels right.
Well, we have to restart.
Fidel Blast Hole is what we have to do.
Come on, man.
I wanted to.
Oh, my bad.
Yeah.
You
take start over.
No, it's all right.
I mean,
I don't want to risk.
Oh, I guess that's true.
This comes out before.
I don't want to risk.
Yeah.
Well, guys, so we're continuing our two-far series.
You want to echo what we're talking about.
Why is it echoing?
It keeps doing that.
Let's let that.
I hate my voice.
I hate my voice.
You.
Don't play it up.
Just talk normal.
It's bad enough.
You guys have to listen to this?
Yeah, why is it every time you reset make it?
For me.
For me.
keep talking, Adam.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
Hello, hello.
Keep talking.
Hello, hello?
Hello?
Alright, go again.
Check, check, check.
Alright, that's good.
Okay, okay.
Give me a normal
voice.
You sound awesome.
We've done this a million times.
No, we haven't.
It's been a while.
First of all, we've done it like nine times in five years.
Remember that song?
It's been a while
since
you see a pussy.
What I like about this is it makes Adam interrupt himself.
Right.
Now you know how it feels.
I actually get interrupted more than I do.
I do interviews.
No way.
No, they actually actually study.
Yeah, there was a Jewish guy who listened to the show.
He's like, Adam, I made this spreadsheet to prove that you were the one that was.
Why does he have to be a Jewish?
He just was.
He's just saying what happened.
I'm just saying what happened.
Well, what you describe about other types of people.
No one can understand what you're saying.
What?
What?
It would behoove you to be quiet.
Stop it.
Stop this.
Check, check.
No, come on, come on.
Put him in the box.
Put his ass in the box.
I can't even sort of make out what he's saying.
Please look at the rock box.
But Adam, we have all your favorite things in there.
Jars full of cum.
Jars full of cum and pictures of man.
Pictures of men.
Dildo's covered in shit already.
A pre-shit stamped.
And shoved in his ass.
What did we tell you about singing from the box?
We take away a dildo every time you sing.
What was the thing with that, like, my top five rapes?
Who were we making fun of?
I don't remember.
Who are we making fun of?
I don't know.
Somebody should write like a listicle about like.
Jesus, really?
No, she wrote a BuzzFeed article about like sexual assault.
Huh?
I don't.
But I do.
But we did, like, the fucking.
This is off mic, but like,
my top five rapes or whatever.
I don't believe that's the title of the article.
It wasn't the title of the article.
That was
a TED Talk, Adam.
Is that what you said?
I can't hear you.
You're in the box.
It was a Ted Talk.
You hear me?
He gave a TED Talk top five rap.
Sucking a penis until it gets hard.
Those are a few of Adams.
Clapping my butt cheeks and holding me down.
Calling me ma'am and slapping my face.
Putting a gun to my head and making me wear lipstick.
Running a train on my face and my ass.
These are a few of my favorite news, babies.
Wow.
Feels good.
It's June, guys.
Good morning,
penis and sucking cock.
I believe this is the last week of my tour.
I believe I'm in Philadelphia this weekend.
If there are still tickets available, go buy them.
If not,
I assure you I don't say that.
What are you saying, Adam?
You're in the box.
Okay, okay.
You're not enunciating.
Let's give him, instead of the box,
we'll put him in the birdcage.
Hello, hello?
No, no, come on.
Take the echo off and just make him sound like weird.
Is that good?
Fegman pussy.
Fegman pussy.
Ew, ew, disgusting.
Fegme pussy.
Oh, that's fucking gross.
Staff rose?
Figme pussy?
Dude, what are we listening to?
Red scare?
Is this the red scare podcast?
You do sound like a dumb bitch right now.
No.
Joseph McCarthy?
Dude.
That guy was fucked bitch.
He was gay.
Really?
I think so.
That's why I did it.
He was gay.
He was fucking from listening to Red Scare.
Yeah, he turned him gay.
That makes sense.
If he was a gay loser, he probably was a fucking fan.
You sound awesome.
Now this is cool.
Tell us some truths, Adam.
Act like you're a fucking spiritual guide.
Okay.
That was Psyche.
He took it away.
Give it back.
Here's the truth for you.
Yeah, this is awesome.
I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.
No, you're not.
Yeah.
I'm ready, sire.
Yeah.
Fuck my ass with truth.
My penis was so small that it made the woman look smaller.
I knew it!
I knew it!
I was lying.
I'm vindicated by the truth teller.
Wow, they don't even know what that means.
What that means.
Guys, you're going to want to go to Patreon.
This actually is a payout off.
It actually is.
It's a callback to a future episode.
It's a callback to an episode that's happening Sunday.
This is part two.
We like to release the part twos on Wednesday and part one on Sunday.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
I'm gay
I'm gay
I'm gay.
I'm gay.
I'm gay.
I'm straight up.
I'm straight up.
I'm straight up.
I'm straining.
I'm strained.
I'm straight.
I'm straight.
I'm straight.
I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight, straight,
That's awesome, that's awesome, that's awesome, that's awesome, that's awesome, that's awesome, that's awesome, that's awesome, that's awesome, that's a cosmetic cosmetic
toss, got it, got it, got it,
so
That was really good shit, honestly.
That was tight.
Yeah.
Anyway, what the fuck were we talking about?
I don't know.
Fidel Cash would get pussy.
Dude, that's awesome that he did that.
He's a roof.
Oh, I saw.
Adam,
you were taking a nap earlier on
last Wednesday.
Last Wednesday.
Which I'd like that you're in the tin can.
Yeah.
I saw Den of Thieves.
You've seen that, right?
Yeah.
That's cool.
It was awesome.
It's about how the cops are also a gang.
Dude, Gerard, how good was Gerard Butler in that movie?
He's badass.
Dude, he's so fucking sick.
He's so bloated.
He looks horrible.
Yeah.
It would have been cooler if he had sick abs like Lee.
No, no, no, no.
No?
No.
He needed to look like that.
He needed to look like a guy who used to be fucking ripped and was fat as shit.
Now.
Yeah.
And they got my guy from the wire.
I think it's true that's like a real thing that like the LA County
Sheriff's Department.
Yeah.
They have like pieces of shit.
Yeah, they have like they have like fucking
Los Lobos.
Yeah, yeah.
Los Locos, conquist I bet I bet you there's some conquistado conquistadors.
If I was a part of a racist ass organization, I would call myself the conquistadors.
Mm-hmm.
If I was a part of a gang, I'd I'd call it the Nick Haters.
Why?
The bust queefstadors.
Why would you call it the Nick haters?
Because there's this guy, not Nick Mollin, but a different guy.
Dude, I have been such a good friend to you.
I have done nothing but build you up.
But suck his dick.
I mean, yes.
He does suck your dick every day.
No, he does.
You haven't told that to people.
That's disgusting.
Also, coming up this Sunday,
Sab claims that a woman actually sucked his penis.
Oh my god.
Oh my fucking god.
Where did that say?
That's such a
sock.
That's such a
lesson.
That's a nested nested nested nested nested nested nested nested nest
Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus General Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Venus Velocity Velocity Velocity Velocity Velocity Velocity Velocity Velocity Velocity
Damn, I love making electronic music.
It is actually legitimately fun.
Yeah.
It's cool.
You ever fuck around with like a synthesizer?
No, but I want to.
You should get one.
I will, dude.
Do like a little analog synthetic playground.
That's what you should do with your time off.
Of course, he will.
I'm going to come back with a fucking EP.
Dude, I'm telling him.
Adam plays guitar.
Norman's old.
And we're going to start a Synth band.
That's awesome.
Yeah, we're going to start a band.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Just say jump.
Yeah.
Go ahead and suck.
Suck my dick and Bonesley on pretty tiny bones.
Do we have anything to talk about in this episode?
No.
I want to talk about.
Oh, what about Road to Perdition?
Have you guys seen that movie?
I remember it being boring.
Revolutionary Road.
It was good.
It was good.
You're stupid.
You ever see Revolutionary Road?
Yeah, Michael Shannon.
I saw it.
Michael Shannon.
Yeah, he really stole that scene.
Yeah.
What scene?
Psychedelic.
He's in one scene.
By living their lives.
They're gay with each other.
He's in one scene.
He won best supporting actor.
Wow, good.
Because he crushed it so hard.
Yeah, that's awesome.
Where he plays like a guy that's crazy, but maybe he sees the truth.
Ooh.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
That's a fucking interesting kind of guy.
I'm going to see Top Gun on Wednesday.
Hell yeah?
Pretty excited about that, guys.
Why Wednesday?
I saw the Nick Cage movie.
It sucked.
Yeah, it's not good.
Really?
It looked kind of fun.
It's exactly what you think it's going to be.
It's like if a Chuck Norris meme was a
basically that.
It's like fucking cashing it on the Nick Cage thing, which I gave it kind of room to, you know, it's like if you're making like Nick, if you're like observing Nick Cage now, you're late to the fucking party.
That's true.
You know, and
but you think maybe they can do something with it, but it's it's there's nothing there.
There's literally nothing there.
People are kind of sucking it off like it's good, I think.
No, they're stupid.
It's people being tricked into thinking it's good.
It's not good.
I think people like the trailer, but I think once it came out, everyone was like, it doesn't do anything.
What's the what's the plot?
Nick Cage.
People are like, oh, there's a movie where Cage plays Nick Cage.
It's Nick Cage.
He's Nick Cage.
He's struggling.
He needs like a
big.
And it's sort of like, you know,
his struggle between fucking, you know, like there's another Nick Cage.
He's like fantasizing about another version of him.
And I guess it's him from what's the first movie?
Valley Girl.
No.
Maybe it's supposed to be like
sucking Arizona.
You know, about being like, he's like, you know, he's like, you know,
I work for a living.
I make movies.
It's like, you know, it's like he's not being selective with roles.
He's up for a big role.
He doesn't get it.
He's alienated his ex-wife and his daughter.
Then this guy invites him to Majorca.
I don't even remember.
I was already kind of checked out at this point, but invites him to Majorca to stay at his villa.
And then the guy turns out he wrote a screenplay and he wants Nick Cage to be in it.
Meanwhile, the CIA is like, this guy's a drug dealer.
We need Nick Cage to spot him.
Go undercover.
Go undercover
but then he's like i don't think this guy stole the president's daughter and then i went to the bathroom for like 30 minutes yeah were you thinking of uh national treasure no it turns out the guy's a nick cage super fan it's like he didn't really kidnap the president's daughter something about your feet and uh calves are disgusting
yeah i don't know what it is i'm wearing pants right now but i just you know what it is it's like you kind of in my mind i read you as a woman
and if a woman had feet and hairy legs like that I hate to say my this feet especially in my mind I read you as the ugliest woman I ever looked no you don't I'm a man
I'm clearly a man even though I'm a fat man
but you
have a woman's body
you have a woman's body bald ass woman
I'm I have a forehead
I go to Wellesley No.
I go to an all-women's car.
That's not me at all.
You, on the other hand, weigh as much as a woman, but you have feet like a man.
I'll give you that.
You have a man's feet, but you have women's legs, but they're handles.
They have cankles.
I have cankles.
That's the answer.
I don't like my ankles, and you're now calling them out on the podcast.
I didn't know everyone.
I didn't know this was a point of ankle.
I wish I had a slender ankle.
I didn't know this was a problem for you.
I got them from my mother.
She was a beautiful woman, but she had also the same ankles.
Really?
Yeah.
That's a shame.
It's not.
It's fine.
I mean, they're worse than that.
I will say Nick's ankles are better.
He has a slimmer leg.
Yeah, when an ankle comes down,
you're right.
It's like fuck it up.
I hate it.
Yeah.
And literally, you do.
Now, let's not get crazy.
There's plenty of women that look like you.
Don't pretend there aren't.
Which women?
Name one.
Thank you.
You couldn't name one.
I don't know them.
You make accusations.
You couldn't name one bitch.
Plenty of librarian bitches look exactly like that.
There are a lot of women that look like you.
Not really.
Like the Drew Carey show, bitch.
Not really.
She doesn't look like me at all.
Yes, she does.
You just keep talking about fat people.
If you mean there's plenty of fat people, yes, that's true.
Okay.
I'm just saying there's plenty of bitches that look like you.
Kathy Bates, you look like?
No.
Again, just a fat lady.
You're just naming fat people.
Okay, how about this?
You look like the fucking bitch from Blossom.
You look like Lena Dunham.
Again, just fat.
Don't really have a similar face.
You have basically the exact same look.
Not true at all.
You know who, Nick, who you look like?
Tom Cruise.
Wow.
I don't really look like Tom Cruise.
I'm dividing and conquering right now.
You can conquer my dick and balls.
You can divide my dick and balls and suck them both individually.
I'm starting to look like an old woman.
I look like I have breast cancer.
You don't.
You look like an old man.
No, I look like a fucking
camera.
I'll get a little bow for my head and I'll put it on.
You'll see.
I've got too much facial hair.
I've been doing that at home.
I've been wrapping the towel around my head and being like, don't cry for me, Mr.
President.
Just to see what it looks like.
You'll do that for hours just to to see what it looks like.
Just out of curiosity.
There's nothing further than that.
Don't cry for me, Mr.
President.
It's not even a song.
Don't cry for me, Argentina, and happy birthday, Mr.
President.
That's good.
Don't cry for me, Mr.
President.
Just brain parasite.
Just fucking just all the holes in my Swiss cheese brain.
You're sussy.
Just fucking all these legions and just
a melting pot of references that have no relationship to each other.
I'm incapable of fucking any kind of like any kind of actual thought.
It's just noise.
It's just fucking constant noise.
And then I spew it out, and then the absurdity of it for some reason makes me laugh.
That's good.
Yeah.
I think it's funny, dude.
Yeah, pretending to be a woman with breasts.
You're saying goodbye to the president.
Don't cry.
You're a woman that used to fuck the president.
And you want to let him know.
I'm gone, but don't cry.
Don't shed a tear.
I'm sorry I called you the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
That's okay.
It was really good.
It didn't really bother me.
But I could tell my comment.
I don't care if it bothered you, but I just don't want to be that kind of friend.
I guess we've got to do these faggot-ass reads.
That's what I was asking.
If we had to talk about anything.
Oh, that's what you meant.
I don't know.
Super speciosa in Blue Chew.
Super Speciosa.com, Adam.
You want to pull it up on your little phone?
I don't have my phone.
Your little cricket gay boy phone?
No, I don't have a cricket iPhone 11.
Your little butt plug phone that they have.
You do have a phone that goes up your ass.
No, I don't.
Super Especiosa, huh?
Yeah.
Is that the Kratom?
Yeah, it is.
Super Kratom Leaf is from Southeast Asia, Indonesia, or something.
Really?
Yeah.
And it makes you feel damn good.
And this website, Super Especiosa.
Superspeciosa.com/slash Come Town or Come Town 20.
Moving on.
They have capsules.
Well, what I like about it is that it's a lab-verified, clean, and safe GMP compliance.
Yeah, if you go to the smoke shop, you get kratom.
You don't know who's touching it.
Super Speciosis is an American Kratom Association GMP-qualified brand that has been verified to meet strict GMP quality standards by a third-party auditor.
Our selection of kratom capsules for sale features popular white, red, and green vein kratom strains.
Basically.
Encased in gelatin-free, 100% natural plant-based capsules.
Wow.
No little piggies had to die.
There were no fucking horse ankles going fucking wild.
Why'd you have to say horse ankles?
Why'd you say ankles?
Just got something about after we talked about my issues.
Something in my eye line just told me to look to say the word horse ankle.
I'll tell you what's in my eye line.
Fat stomach,
fat guy.
A couple of fat balls that are about to be down your throat if you don't fucking watch your tone is what's in your eye.
Get super special.
Get super literally.
So basically, listen, this company, Super Speciosa, they have a plantation in Southeast Asia that's run by American expatriates.
They are all there.
That are all there for just getting you eye on Kratom.
They're not doing nothing else on their downtime.
Listen, they're just running a plantation.
Don't do not check out where they spend their money.
And they are on the porch of the plantation that says, I am Wilton in this heat.
Can you do me a favor?
After you're done doing the read, can you go fill up the Brita thing?
It's full.
Okay,
when you're done with the read, can you fetch me?
Can you fetch me some water, please?
Can you fetch it for me?
No.
Go fetch.
No.
Fetch it.
Fetch it for us.
I have to piss you.
Maybe I'll fetch some water.
No, I want Adam to fetch us some more.
Why do you want me, sir?
Don't cry for me.
Mr.
President.
The towel.
Yep,
wearing heels.
Oh, dude, I just let out a noxious fart.
Then I'll go get water.
Oh, that's fucking cool.
Yeah, well.
Well done, Stop Ross.
Ew.
Okay, anyway, guys.
Kratom is inexpensive.
Well, this is all relative to one's personal budget.
Keep telling us about it.
Kratom is oftentimes less expensive than alternatives like heroin and can usually be purchased in larger amounts at a discount.
Speak on that.
Kratom is widely available.
This green leaf has grown tremendously in popularity over the last few years.
Once upon a time, it was only available in specialty shops, but that is no longer the case.
And get this, no insurance required.
This applies to all natural products.
Cream can be purchased at a good value without insurance.
This makes it more accessible to many Americans.
Without insurance.
That's a great selling point right there.
Yep.
I agree.
It's a controlled substance, folks.
It's a fucking controlled substance.
Oh, I just got a text that the Philly shows have all sold out.
We're adding Sundays.
So this weekend, if you're in Philadelphia, please buy tickets.
Hopefully those they probably won't be sold out yet.
Um
but what week is what is today?
Wednesday something or other?
Today is Wednesday next week.
Today is Wednesday
the fucking eighth.
Oh wait.
Is that no.
Is that right?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, so I still have oh, so I'm in Providence this weekend.
Buy those tickets.
And I'm in Philadelphia next weekend.
Anyway, let's hear about this Kratom shit.
Ah, fuck Kratom, dude.
It's over.
So they got tables.
I immediately feel better after drinking a bunch of water.
They got pills.
Isn't that so funny, dude, where you're like,
I was eating it?
Shut up.
We're talking about it.
We're talking, dude.
Sorry.
Staff of yourself.
The point I wanted to make is, isn't it cool how good water is sometimes?
I kind of want water.
The doctor says I've cancer of the breast disease.
The breast disease.
So anyway, kratom is a fucking, you know, water thing.
But I drink a lot of water, dude.
I drink like fucking six liters of water a day sometimes.
That's pretty sweet.
Do you measure it in the
metric system?
That's how the bottle's labeled.
Four of those essential bottles a day.
So go to fucking.
So the human defense of pants in the metric system.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to fucking take a hammer and flip it to the nail removing side and fucking dig it under your fucking kneecap.
Oh, okay.
How many meters away will I be standing?
That's a good question.
Yeah, well, I'm metering my fucking anger, and I'm going to stop doing it at a certain point.
And I'm going to be the meter, and you're going to be the maid, the pal.
Oh, the meter and the middle.
Oh, Mr.
Europe over here.
Mr.
Europe.
Classic story.
Using the metro of the meter and the maid.
Yeah, when the meter made, you suck my fucking dick.
No, it didn't.
Yeah, well, it's kind of.
I thought you're the meter.
I'm the meter.
So the meter makes him suck.
The meter's dick.
They call me me the meter man because that's how you measure my dick.
That's cool.
One-eighth of these.
That's still huge, dude.
That's nasty.
You're bad.
You're
off.
Fell off.
Wait, let's see the king.
Let's see if it's one eighth of a meter.
Fuck, dude.
It's still big.
Fuck the
one-eighth of a meter in inches.
Well, meter is close to a yard, right?
Yard meter about this.
4.9.
All right.
4.9 inches.
4.9.
That's so big.
It's 4.9 metric inches, you'd be literally.
No, no, don't even try and gaslight me.
Your dick is less than 5 inches, which is still small, but I would like to have called it smaller.
I would have liked to say 116th.
But you live, you learn.
You live, you learn.
Sounds like the hammer is going to be getting a lot of work.
I'm going to put the hammer, I'm going to flip it and put it up your ass handle first.
How about that?
Anyway, Providence this weekend, Philly next weekend.
My special is already out.
Keep watching it.
Keep telling your friends about it.
I'm trying to get fucking 100 million views on that bitch.
I need to make back $40,000 in YouTube revenue.
So it's a tall order, but I would like you guys to watch it.
And I hope you're enjoying it.
And superspeciosa.com, promo code ComeTown or Come Town20.
We're not sure.
But you're going to get that.
It's good.
It's made by expatriated Americans Americans living in Southeast Asia.
Who are always some of the most trustworthy or not sketchy guys at all.
Who are really on the up and up.
You know how all the Americans in Southeast Asia are never hiding or running from anything.
Yeah.
So, yeah, that's that.
Go see go buy Adam shirts.
Go see Nick on the road.
I'm going to take a piss.
I will be in Ross.
Sorry, did we say getsuperleaf.com/slash come town?
I think we did.
There are shirts, but guys, they're also.
Hold on, shut up.
Promo code ComeTown or ComeTown.
I did say
that, Dick.
Thank you.
We said that, you fucking shirt.
Now we're going to do
my reads.
We are selling shirts,
and I am selling signed limited.
I don't know why I said faggot in such a venomous way.
Yeah, we'll get that.
I apologize.
We're going to blow that up.
I apologize.
Let's get that trending on the internet, folks.
Maybe for a while we can hate the good boy of the show instead of the kind, sweet woman with breast cancer.
Mr.
President.
I'm selling signed limited prints also on the website.
So you can go get those.
Anyway,
let's start the show.
We did the read.
Let's start the show.
Raleigh, North Carolina, Good Nights, June 9th through 11th.
Tickets,
few available.
I think that's what Lewis told me to say.
A few tickets available left still.
I'll be in Portland the 16th, whatever the next weekend is after the 9th through 11.
Look at the calendar.
I'll be in Portland.
After that, the weekend after that, I think I have that one off.
And then after that, I will be at Caroline's.
No, you know what it is next weekend?
Caroline's on Broadway, 23rd through the 26th.
Woo, boy.
Check that show up.
Fuck.
Damn.
Ow.
What was that?
From the water?
Yeah, it just burped and like.
You drank too much too fast.
You drank too much water.
But it's good.
It's good for me.
It makes my chest pain stop.
Yeah.
Which those just fucking continue on
all day long.
That's true.
I don't know.
So, what else is new?
You coming to Funny Moms tonight?
Mm-hmm.
Very nice, brother.
I have to take a nap.
I really fucked up earlier today.
I feel really bad about it.
What are you fucked up about?
No, you know what I did.
I forgot the date of something.
Oh.
The date of your transition surgery.
I know.
It's the third time.
I'm going to have have to reschedule and transition
backed up.
It's the thirty-five-year anniversary.
No, it's you can't transition the day you're born.
Mm-hmm.
No, you can't.
Is that what you did?
No.
Yeah, from being a bitch.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm so spicy today.
Can you accept my apology?
I mean, I don't even give a fuck.
It's any more you don't.
What do you mean you don't give a fuck?
I don't listen to a fucking word you said.
I'm not listening to a word you're saying either.
Yeah, you are.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
You decided.
You decided to have a little attitude with me.
But come on.
Come on, man.
We're just mixing it up.
That's why the people like the show.
We're missing Savros right now.
He's taking his fourth shit in my toilet today.
Good.
I hope he destroys your toilet.
Why?
I hope he uses your girlfriend, all your girlfriend's makeup.
He puts it in his ass.
He makes his asshole look like Mimi Bobek.
Trying to wipe his ass.
I hope your bathroom looks like a fucking war zone at the end of the.
Stop, are you putting on my girlfriend's makeup?
For real?
What'd you say?
Yeah, he's using your girlfriend's expensive nipple lotion.
Her million-dollar nipple lotion.
I told you not to bring that up on the punk.
Her expensive nipple lotion.
I told you not.
She made me buy it.
It seems very expensive.
Is that what she's doing?
Those are the things you do for love, brother.
Yeah.
So, what's going on in in this trial of Johnny Depp
and
what's her name?
It would be funny if this trial ends and they walk out of the courtroom and fucking Johnny Depp walks right up to Anne Brahe and just choke slams her on the ground, just starts slapping the fuck out of her and everyone's like, yeah!
And
no one is on her side.
Yeah.
Everyone's like, fuck her.
Even the girls.
No, that's not true.
That is absolutely not true.
There's There's a whole crew of women online
that
are like, this is insane.
We're watching the entire world gaslight a woman who's the victim of abuse.
What?
Siding with the ability.
No, they're convinced that Johnny Depp's hoodwinked the entire media and the courts into believing that he's actually the victim.
Because he's the man with power, and there's no way Ember Heard would do any of that stuff.
But I'll be honest with you.
I have not paid attention to any of it.
I don't give a fuck.
It's like the
pseudo-retard culture has elevated what would just be like some celebrity gossip bullshit into the realm of like,
you know,
why would everybody give a fuck?
Because people are retarded, because everything's like drenched in like fake academic language.
So now this isn't just like two retard millionaires slapping each other around and suing each other for amounts of money that no one will ever see
in their lives.
To like, oh, well, this is about toxicity and victimhood and all this.
It doesn't mean anything.
Yeah.
I disagree.
Of course you disagree, you little catty bitch.
What's your point, Adam?
I don't know.
With your gross ankles.
You dude, fucked up.
Shut up.
Honestly, I find your feet so unappealing.
You don't.
And the thing is, that's coming from my heart.
You calling me fat.
You calling me fat was retaliation.
I know you don't mean it.
But I can't help it.
I can't help it.
I just fucking fat.
I told me that you're fat.
We already established.
You're not even fat.
My dick is so small.
That's from three weeks ago, I believe, or two weeks ago.
Maybe last week.
Sunday.
This upcoming Sunday.
Yeah, or tomorrow, yes.
We have no idea.
I love this.
It is awesome.
This is fun.
We honestly should just completely scramble how we fucking release these and fuck with people's brains.
We should really do it.
Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you when they'll be released.
It's probably 24 to 48 hours after the due date.
And then fucking, there'll still be people leaving comments like,
can't even fucking be bothered to upload it.
That's right.
You're absolutely right.
That's right.
Then, fine, then I'll delete my subscription.
See you later.
All right, later, buddy.
Bye.
Could everybody else do that too?
And one day you won't have this anymore.
That's true.
I can't wait.
Bring it on.
Let's put it this way: bring it on to
back boogie electric boogaloo.
I remember the name of that movie is.
I'm Horny.
Who's this a picture of over here in your living room?
I don't know.
My girlfriend's brother gave it to me for Christmas.
Adam's boyfriend.
I think he's like a poet,
Ukrainian poet.
Shevchenko.
Sheva?
Not the soccer player.
Not the soccer player.
That guy rolls, dude.
That guy rocked.
He's a coach now.
Oh, really?
What was his first name?
Andre.
Was it Andrei Shevchenko?
Yeah, fucking kid.
He was the king, dude.
Yeah.
He was an AC Milan.
Yep.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, did you watch the Champions League finalist off?
You know, I did not.
I watched it.
I couldn't figure out how to get it.
My TV's been fucking up.
Really?
Every time George leaves, he sets up all the fucking
streamings.
Yeah.
Because I got a projector.
It's a Paramount Plus.
That's who I have.
Who was showing it?
CBS.
Oh, really?
They have Champions League now.
Wow, that's pretty cool.
Yeah.
It was a
strong display by the goalkeeper, Courtois.
Courtois.
Who saved
a million shots.
Basically
won it single-handedly.
Nice.
Pretty cool.
Did he get the fucking MVP trophy?
Man of the match, I believe it's called.
I think he was man of the match.
He should have been if he wasn't.
He's great.
Good for him.
Yeah.
And then the winning goal was Vicinius Junior
for Real Madrid.
Vicinius.
And then the assist was Fedi Valverde.
Vicinius Jr.
sounds like a fucking uh
Roman Emperor.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
It's weird.
They're all like
in Brazil, they're all named like that or like Fred Anderson.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Remember Caca?
Caca, yeah.
Caca.
How do they get a first name Anderson in Brazil?
And then they have like 500 other names.
Yeah.
De Roberto, de la.
Yeah, like every dead person in their family.
Yeah, so they have a hundred names, and they all just get to go by one name.
Yeah.
That's why I still love the original Ronaldo, that fat, donkey-faced motherfucker
with buck teeth, bald, fat,
just a six-scorer.
At the end of of his career, he was just
Retaro Dolodo.
Retaradolado?
Yeah,
that's good.
Retaro.
And then fucking Cristiano Ronaldo came through.
Yeah, but he's from Portugal.
Yeah, I don't understand why people complain about.
They say, like, you know, about
racists or whatever, dragging people behind trucks.
Yeah, why do they complain about that?
Well, I would love to just, like, on a nice day, like, have a rope attached to my ankle and just, like, maybe, like, three or four miles per hour, just kind of slowly be dragged through a field.
Uh-huh.
Well, I guess, I don't know, the burner, the grass burn.
That's why you go slow.
Three or four miles per hour.
There's rocks.
I could go out to Prospect Park right now, and you could tie me up to the back of a truck
and just drag me through.
I don't think so.
I don't think that would be fun.
I think I'd like you to go.
I don't think that would be fun.
You would need much more lush grass than what's available.
Maybe put a little blanket down or something.
Okay.
Or you know what?
Like a carpet.
You know what?
I might do that.
Magic carpet.
Here's an idea.
A little idea for a business.
Like a toboggan.
A little idea for a business.
You get like a
Persian rug, you know.
You use ropes to tie it to the back of an F-150.
You take the F-150 out to Central Park, and then you charge five bucks.
Kids can sit on the rug, and then you just fucking floor it.
Yeah, do like a magic carpet, right?
Would they have any restraints to keep them on the ground?
They can sit on there.
They finally fall off on the grass.
It'll be fine.
And so you're thinking you're going to drive an F-150 kind of through the sheep's meadow or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, you know, like strawberry fields or something.
You get a raptor.
With inflation, you can charge $20 a pop, dude.
That's fucking so true.
I figure you go out there every day during the summer, you make enough money.
Suckberry Fields more than the penis.
Yeah, you probably make fucking $7,000, $8,000 million a day.
That's so true.
Never work again, dude.
Sorry, I said Suckberry Fields.
You need for a penis.
You probably need like a permit or something.
And that's when I point to my
suckberry fields.
Permit?
pain.
Yeah, I got your permit right here, and I point to my Let's Go Brandon bumper stacker.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
Do you not like the Beatles stuff?
I could take him or leave them.
You think they're just okay?
Oh, I just didn't know Strawberry Field was just like a little ass packs and stuff.
Does Brandon Mordell still do stand-up?
I believe he does.
If you're listening, you should go to his shows and yell out, Let's Go, Brandon.
No.
No.
I introded him.
Now five guys are going to do that.
I introduce him.
Tell them not to.
No, no, he does a joke about it now.
And I introd him on stage.
I said,
let's go, Brandon.
And he was mad?
And I was like, for you guys.
And you stepped on it?
The gayest comedian in America.
Wait, I thought you said you were introducing Brandon, not yourself.
He was.
He can only think about himself.
Please allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Gay.
Your next comedian is G to the AY.
That's pretty cool.
Your next comedian is Adam Friedman.
Your next comedian is me.
It's me.
Whoa, what are we listening to?
Red Scare over here?
What, are you talking about the McCarthy hearings?
Yeah.
You know, I like that movie that George Clooney did about McCarthy.
Good night and good luck.
You know,
Hannah's kid is already fucking three years old.
No way.
Yeah, isn't that crazy?
It's not three.
Yeah, he's three.
He just turned three.
I don't fucking care.
You're gendering the kid?
He's a boy.
He?
His name's Eli Jr.
No, it's not true.
Yeah, it is.
That's not true.
No, I'm just trying to quietly, I'm trying to just sort of fuck with your mind to make you think more time has passed than it has.
They call me the Time Bastard.
The bastard of the dick.
They call you the Dick Bastard.
Didn't we do that bit, the Time Liar or something?
No, we did the Bastard of Buildings.
Oh, yeah.
That was great.
No, but we did the Time Liar.
We called Adam the Time Lastard.
No, we called him the
Cheese Faggot, yes.
I'm kicking myself that we didn't write that down.
I swear we did that, right?
It was in the grocery store.
I feel like we did it on the show.
Maybe we did it on the show.
I feel like it was the original cabin.
I have to think about it.
It was.
It was our original thing.
My ass hurts.
Adam, I will say the one thing your bathroom is lacking, I could have swore you were going to be a
wet wipes guy.
No.
You need baby.
It's just nice.
No, my ass hurts.
It's nice.
It's not so big, but I need something.
It's not a big thing.
It's a freshness thing.
Sometimes it's nice nice when you've had this shit six times in a morning.
You know what?
You need to fucking relax.
As if you don't fucking diarrhea six times a day if you have even a hint of fucking dairy, motherfucker.
So what?
Okay?
You could use some fucking wet wipes on that ragged asshole of yours.
I just
put my spray my cheeks, put them in the shower.
That can be nice too, but I'm not in my home.
Yeah.
Do it.
Do a it is really nice to take a fucked up shit.
Do a boy break.
Or
go right to take a shower.
That feels awesome.
Yeah, it is really cool.
Wrench the shit right off that hot shit right off your ass
while it's still warm.
Yeah, but it's nasty to get the poo particles in the shower.
You're fucking, you're a bitch.
Okay, you spray down the shower afterwards.
You don't got fucking scrubbing bubbles.
You clean your shower every time you use it.
No, but if I take a fucked up shit in it, not take a shit in it.
If you stick a shit in your shower, I don't shit my shower.
You shit your shower.
I've never shit my shower.
But I have wiped the remains of a fucked up shit.
Yeah.
You know what's really romantic is when a couple is in the shower when you're with your sweetie and you just, as a joke, pee-pee on her foot.
I don't find that to be very romantic.
It's cute.
Not for me.
It's just cute.
I don't find it to be very romantic.
Not like for a sexy, not just a rule.
I would prefer.
I think it makes way more sense for a sexual reason.
No, just as a cute prank.
I don't think it's a cute prank.
Why?
I just don't.
You don't have any imagination.
You really are stealing from me.
Because this, we had this girl.
My thing is imagination.
I do.
I dream.
First of all, I dream to imagine.
Okay, that's my thing.
And second of all, years ago.
Oh, this ties in beautifully.
Because remember the fucking argument we had about titty fucking?
You know exactly how.
You still feel the same way.
You know exactly.
Oh,
then you're not a true lover of pussy fucking.
What did he say about titty fucking?
He said it was stupid.
It was silly.
It was stupid.
And I said he lacks imagination.
Pussy fucking Malfi.
He does lack imagination.
And now he tried three or four years later to flip it on me.
She's just got a cock in between her chest.
Liar.
Copier.
Liar, copier.
Bastard.
Bastard.
You know what's cooler than titty fucking?
Hot dog in the bun, butt fucking.
Not even close.
Yeah.
Get out of my fucking house.
Cheek fucking.
That's so stupid.
The hot dog in the bun.
The classic.
That's not a classic.
It's cool.
It's not, I mean, it's cool for one second.
What do you mean for one second?
Titty fucking?
Titty fucking's cool.
Do you fuck until a Pearl Necklace?
No, but you fucking you're getting your dick sucked.
Have you ever titty fucked until a Pearl Necklace?
I've had w a couple cool situations happen.
You're listening to a couple cool situations.
I'm literally about to start smiling if I think about that.
That was an awesome one.
You wasted your seed
on a girl's titties and mouth, yes.
One of my favorite times.
You didn't do the parts that feel good for her.
What, her pussy?
Yeah.
But if if a girl's not on birthwatch, I'm not busting inside.
Are you out of your mind?
Even if she is, I'm sort of just closing my eyes and quietly imagining.
Unless the pussy's really, really.
Being dragged behind the truck until all this hate leaves my body.
Oh, yeah, that's what it is.
I think it's the racists do it too.
Oh, shit.
No, it's perfect timing.
It's perfect timing to talk about Blue Chew.com.
Is that it?
If you're titty fucking, like a real man, you're going to need to go to Blue Chew.
You're going to need to go Blue Chew.
Use promo code Cometown or Come Town20 to get.
If you have imagination
and like the titty fuck
and love big tits and have been on the record
by loving big tits, you're going to.
And even if you're not, but especially if you're one of those guys.
I'm on the record for
wrecking her blackard and smacking her some
jackard.
That's cool.
Dr.
Jackal and Mr.
Jackard.
Guess what I'm imagining right now?
I'm about to hide my Jackal in her jacket.
What?
Go ahead.
Guess what I'm imagining right now?
I don't know, a man's penis
going into every hole in your body.
A new bear pussy that you have only
a masked man in a big hat using his penis like a sword to cut your clothes off.
That's a wrong guess.
Yeah, really?
That's a man.
That's a wrong guess.
A man with a long, sharp penis cutting your clothes off.
That's rude.
And he's got a mask.
That's not what I'm saying.
He's slicing all your clothes off and his penis and you're like oh stop it stop it stop i have a girlfriend yeah he's like i don't do what that one
that's not what i'm imagining is that what you're imagining no guess him putting him tying your hands behind your back turning you over your fucking little dining room table over there and just his penis instantly turning from sharp to bludgeon and just ramming your hands no then guess what i'm imagining what's that
i'm imagining my funeral.
And you're giving the most beautiful eulogy that anyone's ever heard of, funeral.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's awesome, man.
And what I'm imagining, you say,
is that I'm the single most inspiring man you've ever met in your entire life.
You're off base big time.
You can't tell me what to imagine.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You know what?
I'll take it back.
You have imagination because that's one of the most far-fetched things I've ever heard.
Shut up, bro.
That's realistic.
Honestly, I wasn't even imagining it.
I was predicting it.
It's a prediction nation.
Well, you know what I can predict?
Is that at Blue Chew.com,
I can predict.
You don't have to go to the pharmacy.
You don't have to go to the doctor.
You talk to one of their licensed medical professionals.
They write your prescription for these damn chewable tablets.
That's right.
That's what they are.
And they come in sildenophil and tadalophil, different milligrams, different strengths.
How fucked up is your cock?
The doctor will figure it out for you.
You get different amounts per month.
And if you put in promo code Comes Out or Comes Town 20, you just pay $5 shipping.
From your first order.
First order free, just pay the fucking shipping.
Pay the fucking shipping.
Free dick.
Free cock pills.
Free cock.
And it's awesome to fuck pussy or mouth or tits or ass.
Whatever you want to fuck, you can with these chewable tablets.
No, not kids.
You cannot.
That's a great point.
Whatever you want to fuck.
That's fucked up.
It's disgusting.
You know what I meant.
Yeah.
Blue Chew.com.
You can fuck
any orifice of an adult person.
Yeah.
Whether they be male, woman, or other.
They, them.
Gay, them.
They could be gay thems.
Damn, I love air conditioning.
The point is, your dick prior to Blue Chew was like a wilted flower.
Do you think I could be put in a nursing home now?
That would be sick.
If you dye your hair white.
I feel that worn out and fucking beat down.
It's just not nice.
I legitimately don't understand
how you're supposed to continue doing this from where I'm at now for another 50 or 60 years.
Isn't that insane?
My 60s are a little pushing it.
What?
93?
I wouldn't bet on 93.
My grandpa's 93.
You know, it'd be nice as going to a real rich kid.
His mom lived until she was fucking 104.
Interesting.
Really?
Yeah.
Was she happy for any of those years?
Well, she was drunk the whole time.
She was doing all right.
Yeah, she was literally until she fucking died, just like drinking fucking like pop-off plastic bottled vodka every four years.
She made it 104 from that?
Yeah, my grandpa, too.
That's bad for you.
He fucking drinks Bloody Marys all day long.
That's hell yeah.
He's just old as shit.
I actually do have
some old-ass grandparents.
And he spent, yeah, he spent like the last 40 years just shoplifting.
Honestly, that's the time to do it when you're old.
Yeah, growing up, it would always be go places and be like, if it was something that costs less than like $10, if it fit in his pocket, his logic was like, they don't want to be bothered with
this guy's busy.
He doesn't want to fucking, I'm not going to fucking waste this guy's time buying some batteries.
That's the signboard.
What's your grandfather's name, Mordechai Ben-Gurion?
Yeah.
That would be so awesome.
Nick is so secretly Jewish.
It's hilarious.
You say that because you think it bothers me, but the truth is, the only thing that bothers me is that I have to spend time with you.
No, you know what bothers me is your piece of stink attitude, your smelly ass attitude.
I can smell it all the way over here.
I don't have an attitude.
You got it.
The thing is, Jews and American and regular ass whites are cheap.
Yeah.
The people that fucking let it flow are Eastern Jews.
I let it run.
Yeah, no, I'm not.
Because he's like an old person.
I make it real.
But it hurts you on some level.
I've spent enough time with you.
I've watched you deal with retail employees to know that you do not
so full of shit, this guy.
I think you're both.
He complains over fucking $10 on customers.
He does love to complain on customer hours.
I do not complain about the money.
I complain about the customers.
The principal.
No, not the principal.
I was not going to say the principal.
What were you going to say?
I was going to say the quality of the service itself.
Which is different than complaining about the money.
You charge me whatever the fuck you want.
Jews and white people, no thanks.
You charge me whatever the fuck you want.
He's Irish.
I'm Jewish.
But when
I have to
get fucking internet, I had to climb down a fire escape with a fucking 18-foot ladder myself.
There is no way that you're going to be telling your grandkids.
They know it literally is what happened.
But I'm saying, though, there were certain steps that you made that happen because of something with your vibes and the person.
Folks, we're going to take a little detour here.
I'm going to give you a history of public utilities in New York City.
Yeah, you did this to the fucking guy, and he's like, oh, actually, I can't go.
He's like, I really want to help this guy out with this internet.
No,
Verizon, because they had a monopoly.
Okay, can you beep that out?
What's the time code?
You don't want to make an enemy of one of the biggest telecom companies in this country.
Are you serious?
No.
Man, you're serious.
I don't know who I'm working for after you.
Bluetooth promo code Come Town.
Or Come Town 20.
I don't know.
One of those two.
Yeah.
Verizon, they had a monopoly on all the Twisted Pair.
They own all the copper in the United States.
They own all the wires.
And part of that deal was that.
My thing is, you were bringing this energy to your interaction with whoever worked for Verizon.
I was, 100%.
I think you need to learn about kind of, I don't know, manifesting more pleasant interactions with customer service people.
Because over and over again, you get fucked.
And I'm starting, the more data I have
having a relationship, I am starting to say you were the common denominator.
Thank you.
You were the problem.
Something about your attitude makes people want to give you bad service, which then leads you to be on customer service lines, which then leads you to have
a never have a problem at a restaurant.
Never have a problem with food service.
That's not true.
When?
Do you remember one?
I don't remember one.
Which one?
We were at Hooters, and you asked if there could be more guys working there.
That is true.
I'm remembering that.
You know that.
Right.
You please say that when Ray Hooters,
But like they just like they're wearing pants for the top of the dick that's coming up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just the shaft.
Yeah.
You can't see glands.
But hold on.
I thought this place was called Spalles.
You got plenty of time.
Yeah, it's just an owl with nuts.
The Hooters logo, it's still, there's an owl, but the logo's moved down to his nuts.
It's still good.
The Hooters are gay guys.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
But that was a Twitter account, wasn't it?
Gay Hooters?
Maybe.
That's probably Adam saw that for sure.
No, I didn't.
He's just telling a story.
He's telling a story about when we were at Hooters trying to have a sexy time with girls.
Yeah, we were about to.
Me and Adam were about to close.
Oh, they did.
I was negging the target length.
Adam had his air pilot glasses on.
I was like, top hat.
I was like, you work here?
What are you fucking poured?
What do you pour with?
Do you get molested?
You probably got molested.
I don't have his aviator zone because he just came off shooting his movie Top Gun, which is about a man that gets forced to suck dick at gunpoint.
No, that's not true.
Yeah.
He plays call sign victim.
That is true.
Yeah, but I'm the top.
No.
Yeah, it's a guy who gets to.
No, no, no.
You know, a guy, no.
No.
A guy gets
fucked another guy in the ass as the top.
No, no, that's true.
No, no.
With a gun.
Nope, no, no, no, no.
No chance.
Didn't happen.
Anyways, this will be a nice cruise off.
Verizon only.
And part of the deal is that that all had to be treated as a public utility.
So Verizon had to provide telephone service to every house, right, if they're going to have a fucking monopoly.
In New York City, Verizon has wanted to cut all the phone lines because they don't make enough money off of it.
But they were allowed to have this fucking monopoly forever on the hardware, so they can't.
So Verizon made a deal that if we're going to cut the copper, but we're we're going to install Fios to X amount of...
Speak on that.
And then so what they did is they cut the phone lines, didn't roll out the fucking fiber on the timeline.
The city had to sue them.
They just ate the fines, passed them all on to the customers,
left a bunch of people without phone service.
And then they got sued again by the city.
And then it was like what they do is they claim like, okay,
Verizon is available on this block.
But all they do is roll it out to like somewhere in the neighborhood.
And then it's not actually available in any of the houses because, especially in Brooklyn, they're all closed blocks.
It was all built before there was any kind of public utility easement.
So, there's no way for them to
get into every backyard, you know, to daisy chain new service out to the houses.
So, they'll just label it that way.
So, what I did is I filed a complaint.
I went and I filed myself a little complaint
with the public authority on
utilities or whatever.
And that got something because I waited like two months.
So you filed a tattle.
You did tattle.
Yeah, I tattled on Verizon.
Yeah.
Fuck them.
I don't give a shit.
It's a family business.
Yeah.
And then you had to, how did you end up with a ladder?
Because I made friends with the fucking dispatch manager at the local office, and I was like, look,
I'm not going to ask, none of you guys are going to come down and climb down a ladder.
It's not safe.
I'm not going to ask them to do that.
I can climb down the fire escape myself.
I went down, I trimmed all the trees, like the branches off the fucking tree, put the ladder over the next door neighbor's fence like you know fence and then the guy came down they got one guy that would at least go down use my ladder climb over the ladder
that was cool but I had to I had to yeah I had to like go do fucking yard work
all right that's who that is good problem solving I'll give you that one yeah
oh fuck dude my guts are rumbling I gotta pee again just we're almost done man I don't know I have to pee so much
because you're gay
because there's pressure on on your prostate.
Your dented prostate.
That could be it.
This guy, it's like a water bottle that's been.
Yeah.
It's possible.
Yeah.
I would have to take a look at your inside your ass to know for sure.
Well,
okay.
Yeah.
Like just a doctor going ready to do a colonoscopy on Adam, and he's like, he looks at it, he's like, hmm, and he goes in the drawer and just gets a camera that's this wide.
Just a big fucking
just some like 1960s hidden camera.
Yeah, he shoots my ass in
70 milliliters.
meters.
I couldn't even say the word.
Wow, he shot your ass in the same size your dick is
7 millimeter.
Pretty 70.
Still very small.
Ultra wide.
Still small.
Still very small.
I'm back.
Still small.
Fuck you.
Still small.
Fuck you.
Nice try.
Nice try.
I'm back, baby.
He got you.
He got you
right at the buzzer.
I needed that one.
I really needed that one.
Your dick paid for feels wrong.
Because your dick is small.
It makes sense.
It makes no sense.
And if you want to understand that joke, tune in to this Sunday.
No, it didn't happen last week.
No, it happened this Sunday.
No, this Sunday.
Patreon.com slash come town.
It's very funny.
Actually, it legitimately is very funny.
We're having fun, folks.
We're having fun out there.
I'm going to go shit at home for like an hour straight.
Yeah, I think I'm just going to go to Urgent Care and ask them to put me down.
I'm going to get a little dog costume and go to Vets and see if I think I did, but that was like year one.
We did that, but
did we?
Fucking bring it back, dude.
Yeah, just going to put a dog costume on, trying to get Vets in.
Here's what I think we should start doing.
Yeah.
Trying to get you.
Anytime we don't feel like doing an episode, we just play the first one.
Yeah.
Of coming.
We just redo it.
Yeah.
Who cares?
I have a question.
If you go to jail, do they let you just nap the whole time?
No, they let you nap because you're the princess.
No,
she needs her beauty rest.
Did you just like lay in your bed and just nap?
You're that gay that everyone leaves you alone because they know you're not.
Oh, sleeping beauty needs her beauty rest.
But when you are arrested, they're going to fucking take advantage of it.
I'm just saying, like, if let's say no one wants to rape you, you could just take a nap the whole time?
Yeah, you just have to go.
They make you go out to the yard and exercise.
You have to go to the yard.
You have to go to the yard.
I think you want to go to the yard.
If I don't want to go to the yard, I just want to keep napping.
I think they'd let you.
What if I just sleep out my sentence?
I think it's possible.
I don't know.
I've got to be honest.
I haven't been to prison.
I don't want to ever go to prison.
Yeah, me either.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, that would suck, man.
That would suck so.
Maybe when I was a younger man, I could handle it.
I don't know, man.
Probably not.
It's so long.
I know.
You have to go for so long.
I know.
It sucks.
A year?
That's so long.
And that's like a light light skill.
In prison.
Yeah, that's a year.
That's a swift one.
People do fucking.
That's a breeze.
People do 25.
Yeah.
I did my time like a fucking man.
I stood up like a man.
I took my time like a man.
Shout out to fucking Phil.
Phil Riotardo.
Phil Leotardo.
Philharmonic.
That'd be a cool name.
The fuck harmonic for a DJ Philharmonic.
Philharmonic.
Well, we did it, guys.
I know you guys, you'd like, they love it.
Let me do like a marathon.
And, guys, get used to this.
We will never, ever again record less than four in a day.
That is my promise to you.
Honestly, today was a fun day.
Today was fun.
Except for that shower that we used to press.
Right, we only had to do you.
You had a regular episode.
I did two episodes on my own.
Thank you very much.
I did two episodes on my own.
I did two episodes on my own.
I did two episodes on my own.
My name's Adam.
I'm not American.
What is that accent?
My name's Adam.
I'm from the country gay place
where everyone is gay, but even in that world, I am the gayest one.
Hey, Stop.
Hey, Stop.
Hey, Stop.
That was pretty funny when I said that, Nick, I'm at a Hooters.
Well, you're doing your best, Stop.
Good job,
you thought that was funny, right?
I did.
I thought it was funny, too.
I did, but you know,
show a little act like you've been there before.
Yeah, right, exactly.
My first time, baby, I'm milking it.
Hand the ball to the ref.
Okay, don't milk it.
I'm spiking, baby.
He wants to print it out, put it on the refrigerator.
God, Jim.
Cool Rancher Real.
Cool Rancher's so good, man.
Fuck.
I wish we could go to a public pool.
I could sit out with sunglasses on.
You could fucking put a fucked up.
KFC bucket.
No.
Oh, no.
I was thinking like summer camp type shit.
A little fucked up sandwich and Doritos.
Public pool.
Fucking bucket of KFC on the shitty park bench.
You're getting stunted.
There's hornets everywhere.
There's just fucking mad yellow jackets.
That'd would be badass.
Remember that?
There was every pool you go to, there'd be like, oh, by the way, there's just bees.
There's bees.
There's fucking killer bees all over the fucking place.
I remember my friend Sammy got stung in the back by a hornet at the public pool.
Fuck, well.
Have you ever been to a public pool and somebody shits in it and they have to like get everyone out and then fish the turd out?
Luckily, that's never happened to me.
I saw that happen one time.
And it's like, it's hilarious because you know who did it.
Of course.
And then that child has to like have that memory memory in their life.
Ruining a hundred people's day.
And you didn't mean to, you didn't want to shit yourself.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Well, you guys are really intense.
You'll be going by.
Today on Hey Culligan, sustainability and better water.
Here, Sam.
Hey, Culligan, I'm really into sustainability.
My clothes, my utensils, my food.
But how do I get more sustainability from my water?
Super question, Sam.
And the answer is an always-on drinking water system from Culligan, which helps eliminate the equivalent of 15 billion single-use plastic bottles a year.
Whoa, that's a ton of sustainability.
416,000 tons, Sam, and we're already on the way.
Let us help you out with a free in-home water test with the local Culligan water expert at Culligan.com.
