Ep. 314 – im gonna im gonna

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Why am I echoing?

Why are you echoing?

Darry, is that stop it?

Talk.

Hello?

It did stop it.

Yeah.

Okay, let's get back to the.

So, folks, this

which one is Adam?

Check, check.

He is, I don't know, three?

There you go.

That fixes it.

That should fix it.

Yeah.

So, folks, this is kind of the companion piece to the premium.

We just literally recorded seconds.

We're going to try and start rolling immediately, like, not even, you just stop, stop, start.

Stop, start.

So, you're at Papa John's, you take a pizza home every night.

Oh, yeah, because we're having a conversation about Adam said that.

And you're going to want to go to the Patreon, patreon.com, come town to get part one.

We should start doing this.

Yeah, yeah.

We do release part two for free.

Yeah, part two.

Part one.

Part one.

If you want to see how we got here, how we got here.

Because I tell you, literally 30 seconds ago, we were talking about the Evaldi shooting.

And now we've landed on, is it normal to eat an entire large pizza pizza?

Which I think it isn't, by the way, it was a medium pizza, which has been covered.

Dude, I've never gotten...

First of all, they should call that shit a diet pizza.

That's a diet pizza.

Not a medium pizza pizza.

No, it was so small.

That's I'm on my Weight Watcher stuff.

Yeah.

I really, because Papa Johns fucks you in a way that, like a.

I don't want to step on his bit, but Rameen Naser used to have a bit about how they call it a personal pizza.

Yeah.

You know, like the joke was like, yeah, going to a pizza hut or whatever.

He's like, can I get a personal pizza?

And they're like, what do you want on it?

He's like, it's personal.

But it always thought after that, I always thought it was such a funny name.

Ramin Naser, check him out.

I don't even know if he does comedy.

Check him out.

Aparna had a joke that said any pizza can be a personal pizza if you're sad enough.

Which, you know, is true.

Yeah, but you know what?

Fuck Aparna.

No.

She's nice.

I have no problem with Aparna.

Another DC.

Look, honestly, we were part of a hilariously.

A lot of people from that, from DC are doing

a living.

I remember, because, yeah, I mean, I guess I like started with Aparna to a certain extent, but

when I met her, she got stung in the eye by a bee

that week, so her and her fucking eye, like mine looked the other day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just swelled up real bad.

And, you know, I've known Aparna for fucking 20 years.

Yeah.

Whenever I think of her, my mental image will be that like fucked up eye thing that happened to her.

Yeah, the first time I saw, I didn't even meet her.

I was like an open mic or trying to get into comedy, and I went to good old Kurt Shackelford's Topaz.

Yeah.

And it was like her, Hampton, Seton, fucking Nick Turner,

Jason Sines.

How's he doing?

Is he better yet?

I think so.

Yeah.

Did he get his legs back?

I don't know.

But he looks better.

I don't know.

Yeah.

What was I going to say?

But yeah, anyway, whatever.

The point is, back to the Papa Johns.

Enough reminiscence.

Let's go back to the Papa John's point.

Papa John's,

you were out of the.

I was shitting.

And by the way, folks, I was shitting in Adam's bathroom.

Adam decided to take shots at you and say that.

And by the way, you know why?

Because he's not following the golden rule.

He shits in your fucking apartment all the time.

I have to because of an emergency.

He's mad.

I'm shitting.

And by the way, that's not going to be the first shit of the day.

He is going to get a couple shits in his bathroom.

Oh,

you wonder.

Look, you know me.

You know I'm conniving, manipulative.

There's always a plan.

Of course.

Always a plan with you.

But in the end.

Geyser sucks a.

I have everyone's best interests in mind.

I see me.

You're the benevolent.

I see me.

You're the philosopher king.

But at the end of the day, there's a plan to make sure it works out for everybody.

Everybody gets their piece of the pie.

Right.

And I'll tell you this.

Fucking Adam wants to do the show at his house now.

Yep.

You know me.

Normally, there'd be pushback at the same time.

Of course.

It's absurd.

We do it at my house.

You got to bring the equipment over.

You didn't hear a word from me.

Not word one.

Not word one.

Yeah.

And I'll tell you why.

You notice that us doing it here happens to coincide exactly with me finishing around the antibiotics.

It is a war zone in my gut right now.

Oh, yeah.

And it will be for months

until this yogurt works out.

And if you think he takes bad shape, I might even, I might even, he's not even in the room now.

He's not.

I might literally fucking find the most expensive chair in here and just

shit myself.

That's true.

You owe him one.

Yes.

You do owe him a shitted chair.

It's all with the bad bacteria coming coming out of me.

None of the good.

The good ones are all there in the bacteria.

Yeah, they've been sacrificed so you wouldn't go blind.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Now you got nothing but

that kind of bacteria.

Exactly.

Anyway, so you were in the bathroom.

So I was in the bathroom.

And you know what I will say?

He's got a nice setup.

Yeah.

Nice bathroom, nicely decorated, a lot of stuff.

A lot of good.

I got to say this.

Adam knows how to live.

You got to upgrade your toilet paper, Nick.

I don't shit at your place much, but Adam has you beat toilet paper-wise.

You got the one ply.

You're living too good to have the cheap toilet paper.

I will say pillowy toilet paper.

I've always been a one ply guy.

But, you know, my entire bathroom is disgusting.

There's beard hair everywhere.

Cat piss on the floor.

That's what I'm saying.

Take a little note.

Try and get a little of the good life.

You deserve it.

Anyway, I'm shit.

And I would have liked a wet wipe.

Doesn't Adam feel like the guy who would have wet wipes?

Yeah, you know, I've been using them on my eye.

I got special eye wipes, and it feels like changing a baby's diaper.

gonna wipe my fucking eyelids now.

Your eye is like a little girl's little baby's pussy.

You know, I think I said that.

I don't know if I said that on the show, but it's weird because it's like, you know, like you get, you get old, you get into your 30s and everything just fucking falls apart.

And

like,

you know, when you're younger, you're like, yeah, you know, you can't keep like...

Like, I just think hangovers get worse.

Of course.

You can't keep partying the way you used to.

And it's like, short.

Like, that's out.

But then there's all this other stuff.

Like, you got to fucking wash your hands after you go to the bathroom.

or you'll go blind.

What?

What?

I can't eat an entire eye.

I used to shake off

shit particles.

Like it was nothing.

Literally, dude.

I used to get like fucking eye infections all the time.

I feel like it would just, you know, my eye would hurt for a couple days and it would go away.

Yeah.

You know, and then it's like, it's crazy because in frontier times, it's like, I would have just died.

Yeah, you'd be so dead.

I would have been dead from an eye.

You had a dumb big-ass eye in your casket.

Yeah.

You'd look so stupid.

Like

the guy from...

Wasn't there a video game with a little skeleton guy, and he's got a big eye?

I don't remember.

It was like a PlayStation game.

If one of us is going to come up with that, it's going to be you.

Yeah.

But anyway, I will say that shit did rocket out of my ass.

But, you know,

it was an overall good shooting experience.

And I will say,

one Papa John's pizza is not too much.

Adam's out of his mind.

He's out of his mind.

Yeah, I would say, well, he was just just trying to take shots at you while you were going.

Well, we'll wait until he gets here to really.

Yeah, I'll tell you what it is.

He's got the confidence of coming off and running two episodes himself.

He's like, I don't need these guys.

Yeah.

I don't need these guys

who turned me into the poo-poo man.

What do you think about just letting Adam do the podcast?

I pitched that idea to him, and he's like, I don't think Stav would like that.

I'd love it.

Yeah.

I'd love if.

In fact, if you guys just want to do the podcast starting, you know, in a week, you let me know.

Dude, I told him.

I was like, because he's, you know, he's like worried about what's going to happen.

I already said it.

It's like,

I'm built to fail, baby.

Yeah.

You know, there's there.

You love it.

I don't love it.

I may hate it.

But

you got it.

You can't deny your nature.

Yes, you can.

I'm like a little, like, I'm some kind of like weird little bioluminescent cretin at the bottom of the ocean.

I don't even know what daylight looks like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've just got my little light, and I can't help but

shine it and see the dark path in front of me and know that it'll never be any different.

But, yeah, no, he's like worried about what he's going to do.

I was like, dude, we'll just, I literally will change the Patreon.

Patreon.com/slash Cometown, by the way.

Slash Cometown.

Also, Raleigh, June 9th through 11th.

Please buy tickets.

Portland, the week after that.

Weekend after that.

Both, Helium.

Good nights, Raleigh.

Helium clubs.

Great clubs.

Great clubs.

Go see it, folks.

Let's buy tickets also.

Go see the show.

Carolines.

I've got to start pushing Carolines, too.

That's the weekend after that.

Okay.

I have no idea how those tickets are.

They're all so good.

It's fucking New York City, babe.

Now I just want to get this shit over with.

It's been so stressful trying to sell these tickets.

I just want the fucking tour to be done with it.

I can't wait for the tour to be over.

My fucking nine-month-long tour concludes in Philadelphia and Rhode Island.

But more importantly than that, this Sunday, June 5th, 8 o'clock Eastern, 5 Pacific,

my first special, live at the lodge room, full hour special.

I think it actually clocks in about 54 minutes.

But it's going to be, it's fucking, it's out.

I've worked very hard.

I'm out.

I'm out a nice amount of money.

Please watch it.

I want.

And for those of you who have seen my, it's on my YouTube channel.

I post every day there.

I post some fucking crowd work clips.

This is all material for the most part.

There's maybe 10 minutes of crowd work in there, but for those of you who've been wanting to see actual thoughted-out jokes, it will be fucking.

Actual thought-ed-out jokes.

Actual thought-ed-out jokes

that I've done planned for.

Just crushing with crowd work and being like, anyways, where was I?

Where was I?

Oh, right.

How come they got two windows at the drive-thru?

Yep.

Why don't you think about...

Yeah,

fucking asshole.

I'm thinking I'm about to get my food at the first window.

And now what?

This one's for the fucking money?

And they got another one for what?

Fucking sucker.

Are you all selling crack in there?

You got a fucking, the money can't.

You're the same guy can't exchange the money?

It's too complicated now.

And that just continues for 50 minutes.

And then I'm like, so anyway, anybody here ever see their fucking grandfather's penis?

McFlurry, what the fuck is that?

It's like, they make it sound like a fucking snowstorm, but it's fucking ice cream.

It's ice cream with a little Meminems in them.

Why?

If it's supposed to be called that, why don't they fucking have a snowman on the fucking outside?

Oh, God, it's so fucking true.

Anyway, there might be.

Thought it out jokes.

June 5th.

Thought it out jokes coming out.

There is actually a chunk about Baltimore.

You might hear that voice on my debut special live at the lodge room.

Go fucking watch that.

You just stop recording.

You're furious at me.

You're like, how dare you burn that material?

Dude,

the McFlurry is my closer.

How dare you burn the McFurry?

No, they're just going to hear like two abrupt cuts.

And it's like you going into that, and then it's like,

so yeah, Adam, why did you say pizza?

I ate too much pizza.

Yeah, yeah.

And then Adam just responds, as Ian finance, Ian's here.

Yeah, no, I was telling him, he's worried about, you know, the future.

I was like, dude, look, fucking December 31st, 2022, we changed the name of the show to the Adam Friedland Show.

And fucking, that's what you get from now on.

That sounds awesome.

I'll change the branding.

And it's Adam, and he can keep all the fucking money to himself, whatever he wants to do.

You really don't want any of the money, huh?

Well, if I'm not doing anything.

I'm going to need my piece.

If I'm not doing any of the work, no.

You know me.

That's my mentality.

Yeah, that's it.

You don't do the work, you don't get paid.

I don't believe in

you built the show.

Anyway, whatever.

Adam's not going to take the Adam Friedland show.

If I'm not doing it,

I'm not doing it.

Well, that's very magnanimous of you.

Adam Magnanimous.

That's the way the world should work.

No.

I'm taking the hit because everybody else should.

Adam will have to kick up to me

as part owner of the Adam Friedland show.

As executive producer, I will be needing my cut.

What's your cut?

I don't know.

Where do you start in the negotiations?

Keep it.

75%.

75%.

What do you think they'll come back with?

Three.

And then we have to meet in the middle.

Yeah.

The fucking Adam Friedland show, that would be awesome.

Damn, he said he needed five.

He's been gone for fucking quite some time.

Yeah, he's been gone for 12 minutes.

That's all right, though.

You know, we got, what do we got?

Three more minutes until the ad?

Yeah, no, that's fine.

Anyway, does your nut nut ever hurt and do you worry about that?

No, no, sir.

It happens all the time.

I would not worry about that.

Unless it gets hard and starts growing, then you got nothing to worry about.

Okay, good.

Even if you find like sometimes you can get like a cyst or something, but like, you know, it's

really.

But you should also, I mean, you have insurance, like, go to the doctor.

Yeah, I'm going to go to the doctor, get fixed up.

Has it been hurting for a while?

No.

Just every once in a while, I get a nut pain.

Yeah, you know, honestly, it's probably just sitting the wrong way.

Yeah, having two heavy nuts.

Yeah.

Two heavy nuts threatening to rip out of my test to my ball sack at any moment.

When I switched over, we had a I'm not going to say it because they didn't ring up, but we had a clothing sponsor.

Right, right, right.

I have been wearing nothing but their clothes since they sent it, but they don't really offer very much support.

I had to get used to letting my

nuts hang again.

Oh, that's interesting.

Right now, I am wearing more hangy boxers, and perhaps that's the problem.

Yeah, because it's like they're being tugged on, basically, and

the wires got weak.

I need to firm up my fucking nut wire.

Thought it out jokes.

June 5th, YouTube.

YouTube Baby.com slash stavi baby.

Slash stavi baby.

Go do that shit.

Go see us live.

And then buy Adam's little t-shirts with his little paintings on them.

Yeah.

I don't know if I'll ever get this store back up.

I'm working in a print shop because they offered me like a shit deal, kind of.

I'm sure you could find it.

The deal itself was not bad.

It's just that I was like, they wanted me to be locked into a contract for two years.

And it's like,

I gotta roam.

Yeah, I need the ability to get up and leave.

That's what I ran into with the last print shop.

It's like, you can't, like,

promises me nothing.

Never, never,

what's the fucking thing?

That you can't drop everything when you feel the heat around the corner.

Heat, yeah.

You know, that's what you got.

That's that's how you got to treat the print shop.

Yeah.

By the way, speaking of heat, I saw Den of Thieves.

You ever see that?

No.

Oh,

I'm fucking scandalized.

You have to see it.

It's good.

It's incredible.

Maybe I'll just.

Gerard Butler is insanely good in this movie.

Dude, he has...

That guy rules.

He's a guy that was a shitty actor.

Yep.

Got hot one time.

One time.

And mostly.

He ripped for $300.

Mostly it was computers.

Can you imagine being the fucking computer nerd dork that has to make those guys look even hotter and get more pussy?

Yeah, and you're just like,

you just clock out at your fucking CGI job and drive back to your fucking apartment.

You're like, I'm going to work for Pixar Studio apartment, yeah.

I'm going to make stories that

inspire children.

You've been putting fucking abs on some drunk, bloated, millionaire actor to make him look good on it.

You've been removing his ball hairs that keep slipping out of his speedo.

And then you go back to Studio City and your fucking Toyota Turcell

and order another entire large pizza for yourself.

Eldis recently purchased a used Toyota Turcell.

Awesome.

That's the car, dude.

What kind?

I don't know.

I don't know.

What year?

I have no idea.

It's cute, though, and it's funny because it's such a little car, and he's the biggest motherfucker of all time.

He's just in his car hunching.

It's the boy that laughs at everybody.

It's the boy who fucks.

But yeah, Gerard Butler fucking rules.

And you know what?

This has inspired me to go into more of his filmography.

I think I'm going to check out the Olympus has fallen.

You've got to get into the romantic comedy stuff, too.

You got to watch P.S.

I Love You.

Is he in that?

Yeah.

Awesome.

What else?

Law Abiding Citizen might be the first one I check out.

That looks fucking sick.

He's in that movie Gamer.

Remember the predecessor to Ready Player 1?

Yes, yes, yes.

Ready Penis.

Ready Penis.

But that's a really good one.

Yeah.

No, oh, yeah.

No, he goes off.

He's sick.

Adam.

Dude, you'll love it, dude.

If you love Gerard Gerard Butler, this is honestly the best Gerard Butler performance.

He's drunkish.

He's clearly fucked up.

Because

he plays obviously a rogue, dirty cop type guy who's

hard living.

And

he clearly is getting fucked up.

Everything about him is just post-production.

He's this slovenly, drunk, fucking Scottish moron

who's not good at acting.

Dude, he is so awful.

He's He's bad in like the perfect way.

Yeah, I mean, and then he just gets like literally with 300, literally, just through all these filters or whatever.

I mean,

yeah, because Zach Snyder is a closeted homosexual, he looks awesome.

They just fucking, yeah, like everything is just processed.

Actually, you know what?

I'll take that back.

Zach Snyder is not a closeted homosexual.

Zach is like Evan, where it's like just those muscle guys that love other guys' bodies in a truly heterosexual way.

Yeah, I'm like that.

Yeah, you and Evan probably were text each other guys with their shirts off.

Yeah,

yes.

But anyway, yeah, so shout out to fucking Jar Butler.

Shout out to fucking Den of Thieves.

Truly a fucking masterpiece.

Yeah, anyways, you were in the bathroom, Adam's taking shots saying large pizza is disgusting.

And all I was saying is that when I worked at Papa John's, every day

I'd make myself a large pizza, I'd take a couple extra garlic cups, definitely take way too many of the pepper and chinis.

Yes.

Take that home, hit the beer store, get a 40, drink an entire large pizza.

What was your 40 of choice?

Well, I was a teenager, I drank a lot of sane Ides, and I think when I was older, I switched over to something a little more mild, like called 45 or Old English.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Were you ever a Mickey's guy?

I've drank Mickeys, but no, I've never met.

The only kind of 40 guy I was, I liked Sane Ides because they had the most alcohol.

Right.

You know,

to be honest, I did most of my 40 drinking as a teenager.

Of course.

As an adult, you kind of, you know.

Yeah.

That's embarrassing.

Yeah, absolutely.

You get a pair of tall boys instead.

Of course, like a gentleman.

Yeah.

Like a fucking.

Yeah, I was a Cobra guy for a while.

That was my.

Just because it looked sick.

Steel Reserve.

Steel Reserve is the one that would.

That was a little much for me.

So my most fucked-up vomiting at parties happened because of Steel Reserve.

Yeah.

Because I think that was actually the most alcoholic one.

I was under the impression that St.

Ides was because it was disgusting.

St.

Idees tastes like cat piss.

Nah, dude, I fucking.

That's nice, though.

What was your toppings of choice?

Well, I would make myself like

a barbecue chicken pizza with pineapple.

That was usually my favorite.

A little sweet.

Yeah.

Mr.

Sweet.

Something to balance out the St.

Ides.

Yeah.

Yeah, Adam doesn't really know about traps.

I mean, he...

I'm curious to know

what the treat meal was at the Friedland household.

Yeah.

You know?

I mean, he talks about McDonald's.

And by the way, I have the bag here

to check what time he ordered it.

Oh, perfect.

8:51 a.m.

This is so funny that he's like, I need five minutes.

Yeah.

The episode's almost halfway over.

He got a sausage, egg, a biscuit, a chocolate shake for breakfast.

8.51.

Probably got here by 9.

Would have been nice to have been asked.

I forgot I had to look up the reads.

Oh, yeah, what do we got today?

I don't know.

Let's see, Drive.

Google Drive.

Come town.

No, that's wrong.

That's

okay.

Fuck.

Damn, I gotta.

Oh, I also have heartbreaking news.

What happened?

The

Pizza Hut in Dundalk is closed.

Oh, no.

But there's a Pizza Hut now in Bedsty.

But is it a sit-down?

Or is it a window operation?

I don't know.

It's on Lilo, we're just like, what's the read?

I don't know.

I guess we'll do a free advertisement for the Pizza Hut.

The free advertisement for the Pizza Hut.

I was on Are You Garbage recently.

I love those guys.

And we were taught, we got heated about Domino's v Pizza Hut.

Well, they're different things.

That's absurd because they're different.

I know.

It's not in the same category.

I know.

And my argument was the highs of Pizza Hut will never be matched by Domino's.

It's like this.

So, Subway, blimpy, same genre.

People try try to do like Subway versus Quiznos, and it's like they're different types of restaurants.

They seem similar, but they're completely different.

Yeah.

You know, Subway, Blimpy, fucking.

I'm trying to think of other sandwich places.

There's really not that many sandwiches.

Jimmy John's.

Jimmy John's.

It's sort of there.

But Quiznos is in, like, their whole thing.

It's not like you don't go to Quiznos.

They have a lot more.

Let me get this.

Let me get that.

Like, you fucking, they, like, these are the sandwiches.

Right.

Quiznos don't fuck around.

Yeah, they don't.

Yeah.

And Pizza Hut, same thing.

It's a sit-down restaurant.

Papa John's, Domino's, Gaddy's, God.

What the fuck is Gaddy's?

Gaddy's was another chain.

They're all built on the same model of, like...

I will say Pizza Hut, I believe, made a pivot towards being more of a fast food place.

But at the same time, I just think their crusts are a next-level situation.

Yeah.

Although, apparently they switched to Frozen.

So, look, I'm interested to check out what they're doing.

My bookie.

MyBookie.

Folks, myBookie.penis, if you want to bet on the NBA Finals, which, by the way, that's the only way to watch these finals because it's Celtics versus Warriors, two of the fucking just truly, I mean, how do you root for either one of those fucking teams?

The fucking Celtics, asterisk after asterisk.

The Nets sucked dick.

The Nets sucked Dick.

No, they had no one.

Kyrie and KD played like shit.

Giannis was by look.

Middleton's in that series.

Kyrie, more like Kai, get a refund.

Kai get a refund on that contract, you know.

Middleton was out.

With Middleton, the Bucs beat the fucking bitch ass Celtics every fucking day of the week.

And then they face a Miami Heat team.

Tyler Hero is out.

Kyle Lowry is a shell of himself.

They're starting fucking Max Struss.

Kyle, allow me to get my money back.

Thank you so much.

Jimmy Butler's dick is so hard.

He takes it to seven.

And they're a Jimmy Butler three away from potentially losing in the last second.

People sucking these Celtics off.

They're fucking lucky cocksuckers.

Same thing with the Warriors.

They've faced the Nuggets that have been missing their two best fucking players all fucking season.

And you can bet on this in my book.

And you can bet on all this, by the way.

This is all on mybookie.ag.

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You get your dick hard.

And the Warriors, then John Morant gets hurt, okay?

The Suns fall apart.

That was the one hard team they were going to have to face.

Chris Paul fucking melts down.

Devin Booker shows himself to be a bit of a fraud here.

He's going to have to prove himself in playoffs of the future.

They lose to Dallas, a Dallas team that's ahead of schedule, that, unless Luca's playing heroically, is not going to fucking beat the Warriors.

The Warriors get a lucky fucking path to the finals.

The Celtics got a lucky path to the finals.

We got two fraudals.

They should call this the NBA fraudenals,

not the finals.

The fraudulent.

The fraudenals.

And either, but, and San Francisco can suck my dick.

Boston is a dog shit city.

At myboogie.

At myboogie.ag.

I can confirm all of these beliefs by betting on these games.

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You're going to have to bet on my battle.

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Million-dollar prop bets.

They got million-dollar props.

They got prop bets.

They got the super spread.

Does Jason Tatum.

You can bet.

Did Jason Tatum shave his penis or not?

You can bet on all that.

At myboogie.ag, the premier, only still legal and in-business sports betting website that is still advertising on New York podcasts.

Right.

And that are the only ones left not getting all their money from Peter Thiel.

That's the thing.

People are like, I don't know this week.

Not going to go into it, but fucking saying, oh, they're all funded by Peter Thiel money.

If Peter Thiel is listening, I will absolutely do that.

Sell us to sell us.

You give me fucking $10 million, Petey, I will fucking, we will do one more year of this show.

Every day, say that student loan debt is the responsibility of who, you know, whatever.

We'll say, fuck student loan debt forgiveness, fuck healthcare, whatever dumb psycho bullshit you want us to say,

done.

10 million money.

It's got to be a fat check.

Yeah, 10 million minimum for me.

You probably want 10 easy.

10 million also.

Adam will.

We'll do it for 30 grand.

Yeah, Adam's dealing with it.

Adam just wants another bar mitzvah, frankly.

You throw Adam a bar mitzvah with a fancy money.

Adam

mitzvah, yeah.

You get him a clown, you get him a DJ, putting a fucking ignition remix.

He's good.

He's set.

He's good on that, but we will take that.

How dare you fund Red Scare before you fund this show?

Is he funding those dumb fucking?

I have no idea.

I have no idea.

Frankly, I don't even really know who Peter Thiel is.

Well, the thing is, any fucking gay loser loves that show, and that's who Peter Thiel is.

He's a fucking weird, self-hating gay guy, so of course he likes that show.

And if he wants to pay us to not say these things, we won't say him.

We'll say he's cool and he gets pussy.

Yeah, I'll say it.

And then, you know, whatever.

Peter Theo, we'll put you back in the closet.

We'll fucking stuff your ass back in there.

Yeah.

That I saw you getting pussy in a completely organic way.

Right.

I won't even bring it up.

We'll let enough time pass where people won't remember this.

I'll call you the master of pussy getting.

I'll say I fucked a girl who fucked you, and she said your dick was awesome, and you made her fucking splooge over and over again, and that you're really not gay and not evil.

I'll say all that stuff.

I literally would do anything.

Yeah.

Anything.

And what I would do.

To have an escape from this that guarantees that me and the people I care about are taken care of.

And you can bet on that at mybookie.

Mybookie.ag.

Mybookie.ag.

Use promo code ComeTown or Comtown.

Use promo code Teal.

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Use promo code ComeTown.

You get something nice, a nice little offer.

There is some good shit to bet on.

I'm not going to lie.

The NBA, betting on basketball is fun.

Football is still far away.

Baseball regular season.

I mean, you do got to be a little bit of a degenerate to be betting on regular season baseball.

But hey, I'm sure some of you just, your wives just left.

You need something to keep the pain away.

Yeah, you can just go race rats somewhere.

Yeah.

Listen, Formula One.

Everyone's getting into that shit because that Netflix show.

You can bet on that.

Bet on whatever the fuck.

Bet on whether Lewis Hamilton is getting pussy tonight or not.

He's a cute kid, that Lou Hamilton.

What else?

So anyway, mybookie.ag.

Uh, fucking bet on it.

Fucking spend all your money.

Guaranteed.

You will win.

Guaranteed.

That's the fucking my bookie.

Yeah, guaranteed to win.

You will win if you bet.

And if you don't win, that's your fault.

You did something wrong.

But it does have the guarantee.

And you get a nice little amount of fucking, they match something, they give you a little bonus.

Look, go.

Fucking bet there.

Don't be a fucking dumb asshole.

And fucking bet.

You know, what are you going to bet with a fucking bookie and get your legs broken by some fucking marinara-stained whop fingers?

No.

Go to mybookie.ag.

Mybookie.ag.

There's some cool guys over there.

Okay, I think we did the read.

What do you think Adam is doing?

I have no idea, but no.

What could he possibly be doing for this long?

This is absurd.

It's crazy.

And he could be like, hey, I'll call you in 40.

Like, that's the other thing.

We're going to take a break.

We're not going to do three in a row.

We're going to take a break, probably get a little lunch.

Well, even though my guts are pretty fucked up.

Yeah, I kind of just want a coffee and we'll roll into number four.

I'm good with that, bro.

Maybe I'll get some toast.

It's a beautiful day.

I don't know if we did the allergy corner yet.

Are we talking about it?

Let's talk about it.

Did you take any allergy medicine?

Because when you walked in here today,

your eyes were leaking.

Now that I'm back and inside the air conditioner, it's a little bit better.

You do look better, but when you fucking came here, when you texted the thread, you're like, is anybody else's allergies bad?

I thought you were being dramatic.

And then you came in here, eyes looking pinker than fucking fresh pussy,

nose drooling like Adam's asshole when it smells a big dick.

Yeah.

But now you look better.

It is good.

My allergies always come across with cough.

I was a big coughing kid.

And then I started taking Claritin, I believe, or Zyrtec.

Zyrtec cleared that shit right up.

But I used to pretend I had like a chronic condition trying to get out of school because my allergies were so bad.

And it worked, honestly.

Really, you got out of school for allergies?

Well, I was coughing like crazy, and then they took me to a bunch of specialists, and they're like, yeah, I think your son is a fucking con artist.

It was kind of sick, actually.

That's awesome.

I got out of, like, how did that work?

I've never had a

guy that did the allergy test.

Yeah, I took a big-ass allergy test.

I really wasn't allergic to shit, except like, you know, regular seasonal allergies.

But

I had weak-ass little bitch-ass lungs growing up.

I had asthma, and then

they were very affected by allergies to the point where I was honestly non-stop coughing, unless I took Zyrtec or Claritin or whatever.

But before they knew that, dude, I was doing it up, trying to get out of school.

I was like, I'm sick.

Did you know anyone that called in a bomb threat ever?

I always thought that was awesome.

No.

To be that bold?

I never did.

I knew a kid who pulled the fire alarm.

That was also awesome.

That was sick.

He got literally expelled.

Those guys, those guys, they end up in bad kid Valhalla.

100%, dude.

The kids at like second grade, the teachers sit down in your seat and they're like, fuck you.

You're like,

oh, dude.

Like, damn.

Yeah.

Somebody's getting beat at your house.

Right.

I'm like over here just putting glue on the desk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, I'm breaking the rules.

Drawing a smiley face on the desk.

Yeah, writing in the book.

Yeah, yeah,

drawing a little dick in the book.

Yeah, right, exactly.

But like, if anyone saw me, I'd be like, oh, I didn't mean it.

Well, this is just pointing at the retarded kid.

He did it.

He drew it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right.

No, but yeah, the fuck you to the teacher kid, just fucking blasting that and then leaving the school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking walking through the school.

Kicking his desk over.

A fucking nine-year-old that just like goes to McDonald's by himself.

just like gives the principal a finger and just fucking has a fucking full, not even a happy meal, gets himself a McChicken.

Fucking heroes, dude.

Awesome.

Yeah.

And all those guys, they, I mean, they go to jail.

Jail quickly.

Fucking yeah.

Within years of that.

Very rarely do they make it out.

But they're also like getting pussy like 11.

Yeah, right.

They're also just like

getting pussy to completion and having like a son.

Just nutty.

Having like a 19-year-old girl for the first 11.

The first time they ever come is just into a pussy.

You don't even know what it is yet.

Damn, dude.

Those guys were heroes.

They let the one kid, I was in the fucking little, I was in the little smart class.

They would just pick

five people that weren't retarded

and put them in the...

Actually, we were actually next to special ed.

It was, you know,

the fucking little fucking, whatever it was called, gate.

But one kid was so bad that they took him out of regular and just like let him play Oregon Trail in our little, where we had, we had the one, we literally had three computers in my fucking broke-ass school.

Shout out to John Rura Elementary School.

Damn, I think I broke his chair.

Good.

What kind of computers were they?

They were fucking.

They were the ones with the little green shit.

Yeah, but do you remember what they were?

Were they Apple IIs?

No, but I remember that the printer literally had that like.

Every printer had that.

No, the little fucking...

The dot.

The circles.

On the sides.

Yeah, every printer had that.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't remember.

They were all spooled that way.

But anyway, they let this fucking kid just play Oregon.

In the one U computer, he got to just play Oregon Trail if he didn't say a curse word or try or hit a teacher.

And I was like, what the fuck?

I remember being in third grade and being like, wait a second.

This cocksucker just doesn't throw a chair and he gets to play video games all the time.

Was that that?

They weren't quite that old.

They were probably a generation after that.

This is probably 95.

You know, 96.

I'm seven.

Wait, so like that maybe?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes, exactly, actually.

Really close to that kind of thing.

Yeah.

And the one we were allowed to play on was just text-based games.

There was no like,

there was like, you know, there was no

fucking like little

bison you could shoot.

Austin used to have.

Oh, you know what I did, too?

I sent, I don't know if I'll get a response, but, you know, because the show is ending at the end of the year, I sent sent an email to the Office of

Curatorial Services or whatever at the American History Museum, seeing if we could donate the soundboard and the recording equipment.

That would be fucking awesome.

That would be amazing.

If they could have, like, you know, to 2020's podcasting.

It's like the soundboard from Come Town, which is next to Archie Bunker's chair.

That would be amazing, dude.

That picture they took of us outside of Funny Moff years ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come town.

That sounds bad.

Well, it was.

It was.

It was.

We didn't even read the email.

Yeah.

It went right to the trash.

It went right into the garment.

The soundboard is in the garment.

Of course, we are not accepting it.

Yeah.

But you just said that.

Someone is going to offer to pay you $50,000 for it.

I hope so.

Peter Thiel can fucking buy it.

PD.

Straight.

Good guy.

And I'm going to tell you, when I was a little kid,

I would go to the American History Museum.

Have Have you ever been there?

Yeah.

Did you go there before 2007?

Yes.

It used to be awesome.

That was like the best museum in the country.

And then they closed it for a long time to renovate it.

And

they just took shit out of it.

They renovated it and didn't add anything.

They used to have an Information Age exhibit that was awesome.

They had fucking, you know, like old tube fucking computers and shit, like a whole wall.

I'm always fascinated by those gigantic computers that have like less power than like a fucking Tamagotchi that they were like going to space with.

It's like insane.

Well, that's because

what the technology was is like

the

processor you have all these like little like

the electron gates that function as like transistors, basically.

That's what all-off one-zero bits are.

But it used to be like a fucking actual like tube.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So something that was like this big

is now like microscopic.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, so that's why that was like.

So it went from my dick to your dick.

If you're looking back at history, yes.

Yeah.

If we're talking about like

starts.

No, we're looking at

my dick.

We're in the early computers.

We're looking at retrospective.

The current computers are early dick.

In a sense that we're looking back in history, so we're yes.

We're looking at it from starting at history and going to today.

Historically, they started at my dick, big tubes, and now they're at your dick, little microchips.

And you said yes earlier, and you can't take it back.

No.

No, I don't think you're understanding.

If we're saying it's like that, then which it is.

And we are saying that because it is like that.

Mine is sort of, it's more powerful.

It is powerful, but it's so tiny.

It's funded by dark money.

Everything you're saying is true.

It's mostly used by the government.

And it's so big that it's not big.

This is the first time.

It penetrated everybody's life.

No.

And every aspect of society.

No.

So you can't go anywhere without being society.

People are scared of it.

If there's any force, they're scared of it.

Because you're goddamn right.

Because it's too small.

Because it's penetrated every aspect of it.

You can barely feel it.

You wake up in the morning and

get in your face.

It is kind of like the internet and computers because it has penetrated life, but you don't really feel it.

Yeah.

Because

it's kind of just out ethereal.

Whereas, like I said, my dick is a big dude.

Yeah.

You just got to play the hits to get back to the basics on here.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, dude.

My ass is on fire, but I am hungry.

The fat man's dilemma.

Eat more and continue to shit painfully.

That's the move.

Or don't eat anything.

Maybe get a kombucha.

Maybe get a fucking water.

Flush my stomach out.

I'm pretty sure I have hemorrhoids.

I've never really, I just, my asshole hurts.

And that must be what that is.

Because I was straining for hours last night off that.

And for everyone that wants to know what I ate to make me shit like this, part one is coming out Sunday.

Yeah.

This is kind of like Memento.

It is like Memento.

We're going to start podcasting like Memento.

In fact, it's a lot like Memento because Nick wrote, I am not gay on his arm.

Don't suck that guy's dick, no matter how much he says he's your boyfriend.

I would love to get all those tattoos.

Just get a bunch of memento tattoos.

You do not have a boyfriend.

Don't suck Maurice's dick.

Maurice.

It's just like a Hispanic janitor.

Yeah.

Maurice is a great name.

Who figured out your disability and tricks you one out of every three times into the middle of the moment?

Joe Cantaliano just fucking that guy in that movie.

You're my fucking boyfriend.

We're gay.

You're the bottom.

How many times do I have to tell you this?

Look, look at this Polaroid.

If you sucking my dick.

He's like, wait a minute, is that a gun to my head?

And he's like, no,

come on.

And he's like, don't, don't suck

Joey paint.

I can't Liano's cock,

no matter how convincing he is.

Minute, how long of Adam needing five minutes?

Honestly, it's truly hilarious.

We're about to do the second read now in a second.

He's like, I need five minutes.

Whatever, man.

It's honestly nice because it does feel like five minutes.

That's true.

This thing breezes by when Adam's not here.

And he needs a break.

He needs to prepare.

He's in his office furiously writing bits.

That would be

great.

He comes out.

He's like, I got it.

My dick is like tubes from the.

I don't know.

The idea just came to me.

He's got the living room bug.

And your dick is like computers.

And it's an original Adam Friedland thought TM.

Oh, fuck.

Maybe I'll have a bagel with just butter.

That's cool.

You know?

I hope my eyesight goes back to normal soon.

What's wrong with it, man?

You see?

Yeah, up close.

I'll get like double vision.

Interesting.

But yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, I guess I have to go back to the ophthalmologist at some point.

But it'll just like fucking twitch all time.

How long do you have?

Are you done antibiotics?

Antibiotics are done now, yeah.

Nice.

All right, so.

But there's still,

they told me I had to go back or I get a bunch of scar tissue they're going to cut out.

Damn, you're about to have fucking eyelid surgery?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Louis told me he did that.

He went to a plastic surgeon, though.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?

What happened?

He just gets like horrific styes in here.

Really?

Yeah, a bunch of, like, a bunch of.

Ugh.

Yeah.

Damn.

He was like, yeah, I had to get like wipes because I got like shitty Puerto Rican shitty eyes.

Races towards his own eyes.

Yeah, right.

Ridge Wallet.

Oh, our friends are back.

Our homies over at Ridge Wallet.

Ridge Wallet, named after

the condoms that you use for her pleasure.

Ridged.

Ridged for her pleasure.

If you ever want to drive a girl wild, put one of those titanium

wallets in her pussy.

Ridged for her pleasure.

A great company started by a father and son.

I mean, that's Americana, folks.

You know, they started a small, they had a plan, they had an idea, and now they're millionaires together.

Isn't that beautiful?

I love my Ridge wallet.

It's a great wallet.

I

I rocked it for a while.

Now I have the case, the phone case one.

I like the little bag.

It's my little day bag.

Whenever I'm on a little you know, I'm the 10,000-step bastard.

I'm trying to get back to fitness slowly by walking again.

And

you know, actually, you know what?

I'm around the 15,000-step bastard.

I'm not quite 20, because my fucking fat feet hurt and I soak those bitches sometimes.

But I'm the 15,000-step bastard.

And when I'm running around Queens doing errands, and every once in a while I want to keep my keys somewhere, I want to fucking, you know, maybe I pop into a shop, I buy a little pre-cut pineapple as a little snack while I watch NBA play off basketball.

I have the Ridge backpack.

They're not just wallets, folks.

They got backpacks.

They got little knives.

What else they got?

A whole fucking line of shit.

Probably those hooks or those like carabiner shits.

Fuck.

Yeah,

it's awesome place.

I'm trying to remember if they have a promo code or not.

It's either Come Town or Come Town 20.

Let's take a look at the website.

Let's fucking take a look.

Ridgepussy.cunt.

That's the fucking secret line.

If you go to ridgepussy.cunt, you can buy pussy right off their website.

Oh, and look, it's a Father's Day.

No, it's Father's Day.

Father's Day.

They go hard on Father's Day.

I was wondering, Mike, they place their ads.

I guess people buy these for their dads, which you should.

Which you should.

You know what?

I might get one for my dad.

Yeah, they got travel.

They got key cases.

They got everyday carry.

Get one for my dad so you can put his zero dollars in it.

Yeah.

His Panera.

We could all do that for our dad.

His Panera fucking loyalty card.

It's the one thing in there.

Oh, it looks like they have a new red

for AIDS.

Yeah, which I used that was my one of my first

one of my first cell phones was the Red Razor.

The Motorola Red Razor.

Fucking awesome, honestly.

Yeah, they got the red one, or our original durable coating.

Let's see.

Wow, it's ba key cases.

That's pretty cool.

I do like that a lot, actually.

I might go key case.

Yeah.

I got too many fucking keys.

Oh, you got you're on your janitor shit?

Well,

there's three keys to my apartment.

I got my car keys.

That's way too many.

I have two facilities that I frequent that require the gay sex auditorium.

Yeah.

The bathhouse and the gay sex auditorium.

Yeah.

You know about me and my facilities

that I keep.

I like these key keys.

These are fucking you.

I haven't seen these in a while.

Everyday carry.

That's what that means.

Guns.

The problem with this shit is I have fat keys.

I have that, you know, that New York.

But I'm sure they work for those too, folks.

I'm sure they work for those.

That's really nice, actually.

Because it feels like a knife, but it's just keys.

Yeah.

Which is awesome.

And they got little fucking packs, dude.

You want your fucking daily driver kit?

And they got you can match your keys to your wallet like a cute little bitch.

They got fucking pens now.

Oh my god.

You can write out all your fu You can write out your fucking enemies list with a ridge fucking pen.

And then you can fucking.

I would love that.

Although I'm too old for an enemies list at this point.

Richard Nixon had one.

He's older than you.

Yeah, fucking killed him, dude.

That's true.

That is true.

I think that guy died young.

Young indeed.

It is funny that he just had like a whole life after being a disgraced president.

Yeah.

Like he was like, I saw like a picture of old-ass Nixon hanging with like the Jets.

Yeah.

And they were all like, hell yeah.

Honestly, I would love to hang out with the disgraced Richard Nixon.

Wouldn't he die?

Like 93?

He was older than my dick, dude.

He was old as shit.

Nixon.

Death.

I wonder when his wife died.

You think he was getting pussy at like in 89?

When he was 89?

1994 is when he died.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's fucking.

How old was he?

I don't know.

I remember him dying, though.

You do?

Yeah, when I was a kid.

I don't remember Nixon at all, dude.

As a fucking kid.

Richard M.

Nixon, 37th president.

Dies in 81.

81.

Okay.

He looked fucking old.

Yeah, he's Joe Biden's age.

Joey B.

Yeah.

Okay, so he died in 94.

When did his wife die?

Nixon wife death.

93.

So he had a year of getting pussy, probably.

A year of getting pussy.

For sure.

For sure, dude.

Viagra had, had it come out in 94, or was that in 96?

No.

Okay, let's look that up.

No, that was because Bob Dole was the guy.

Remember?

Yeah, but yeah, exactly.

Viagra, I think you're right, 96.

That'd be funny if that's a year you knew.

98.

Ah, damn.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

They patented in 96.

It came out in 98.

So, okay, so maybe Nixon was just getting

maybe he was just getting his dick sucked.

His limp old dick sucked.

This is truly wild, whatever's going on.

Yeah, what is going on with him?

Yeah.

Maybe something bad happened.

I don't know.

And I'm not rooting for it.

Yeah.

But it's possible.

I already have to piss again because I drank all that water.

Well, good.

You can go, man.

Because of my damn allergies.

Can I?

Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

Damn, I got to piss.

So, okay, let's read about Pat Nixon here, folks.

Honestly, not that big of a piece of ass, if I'm going to be honest with you.

In fact...

Look, Jackie Onassis, people talk about her as being really hot.

I always felt her eyes.

There was something weird about her eyes.

But you know what?

Let me look at Pat Nixon young, because I'm seeing her at 80.

That's not when the pussy's ripe.

Obviously, we all know that.

The pussy is overripe at that point.

I'm going to be honest.

Pat Nixon

could never get it.

Her face is too fucked up.

She's got a long jaw,

just a sharp, sharp nose, sharp chin.

I don't really like, I'm not a chin guy when it comes to getting pussy.

I don't want that shit jutting out.

I mean, I suppose it's a case-by-case basis.

Yeah, dude, even when they're really young, Nixon looks hot.

This bitch is looking, I mean, not hot, but he looks good.

She's looking fucked up, honestly.

She looks like the mask.

And their baby looks fat as fuck, honestly.

Which is cute.

I like a fat baby.

Okay, so, yeah, the younger pictures of her look even...

Oh, the profile's horrendous.

This bitch is looking like fucking

the moon.

She looks like Jay Leno.

She looks like the bananas in pajamas.

Okay, so she's out.

Let's see what Ladybird Johnson looked like when she was young.

Was she was she fuckable?

Because you know, you know, what's his face?

Linden.

You know, Linden was slinging cock, and you had a big-ass dick.

Oof.

Ladybird kind of looks...

She honestly looks a little like Linden.

Yikes.

These bitches were trash.

Now I see why everybody did want to fuck Jackie O.

Because it's kind of like the...

It's kind of like, you know,

it was just like an era shift.

She brought us into slightly fuckable.

It's like, you know, how you watch

footage from the NBA in the 80s, and it's like,

no one is that good in today's, in the modern era.

So Lady Bird was a fucking dog.

I'm going through

First Ladies and seeing.

Apparently,

Louis C.K.

and what's his name?

Shane Gillis just did this with the presidents.

Oh, really?

They went through and they said what they could remember.

I don't know if Shane told me that.

Shane told me that they did that on a six-hour podcast.

Damn.

Can you imagine the kind of psycho that would listen to a six-hour Shane Gillis-Louis C.K.

podcast?

That's just too long.

I mean, but that's got to be of all the types of podcast listeners.

The guy that's going to sit down and strap in for six hours of president history

with

with Louis C.K.

and Shane Gillis.

Oh, it's a strange guy.

Yeah.

But you know what?

If you stretch it out over a while, it doesn't sound so bad.

20 minutes here, 20 minutes there.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's not what I'm doing.

I'm going through who's fuck which first ladies are fuckable.

Who was that?

Who who who did uh

okay, we already covered Jackie.

Reagan's wife obviously was superhead.

Jimmy Carter.

Let's look at Jimmy Carter's bitch.

Georgia Carter.

Ju Jumina Carter.

Yeah.

LaShonda Carter.

Rosalyn.

That would be awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

He just has a big, fat, black lady.

Yeah.

J Rosalyn was all right.

She was all right.

Better than the other two bitches, I'll tell you that much.

Yeah.

You know what I never understood?

Oh, I don't know.

That whole, like, Kennedy Camelot thing.

It's like j Both Kennedy and Jackie Onassis are ugly people.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

Compared to these bitches, she was hot, I will say.

Like her immediate predecessors,

she could kind of get, even though there was something off about her eyes.

Yeah.

Both of them.

Kennedy had fucked up eyes.

He was like walleye, dude.

He had one eye all bugged out and went all the other place.

Didn't he get his ass.

Did that happen from being at war or whatever?

He had back pain from war.

Gotcha.

So, like, in private, he was always like, oh, I got to sit down on the

couch.

You got to get on top.

My ass feels like it was blown out.

No, I can't fuck you from the back.

You got to suck my cork.

I or Ick Bin Einer penis.

I do love the whole

penis.

Suck bin ein penis.

Suck bin ein penis.

Germany be like, what the fuck?

He's like, who gave me this copy?

Why is this?

This is not German.

Suck Benine Penis.

Suck Benign Penis.

I don't know why that.

That's really good.

You know, this is giving me strong Dick Musk Bust vibes.

Dick Musk Bust.

I don't know even what that, just walking around Montreal.

Dick Moss Bust.

Dick Musk Bust.

Oh, I think that was Nixon.

It was Nixon, but I forget it was like, we were looking at Nixon campaign shit while walking around Montreal.

Interesting.

We came up with Dick Musk Bust.

Dick Musk motherfucking bust.

I swear to God, if at this point he tries to sit down and get on.

That would be funny.

If he does, though.

Adam!

Everything okay?

Adam?

It's going to be some bullshit.

He's always going to be a phone call about the Exterminator not coming tomorrow.

He's going to treat it like...

No,

he was supposed to come tomorrow.

Something must have.

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It is funny to be in Adam's apartment.

He's in here.

No, he's not.

Oh, he left?

He left, yeah.

I thought he was in the back room.

I thought he was in the bedroom taking a phone call.

I mean, I just walked by there.

He's not in there.

Is the door open?

It looks closed.

Is it closed?

It's closed.

He's in there.

I think it's cracked open.

When I walk by to piss, I think.

Interesting.

I don't know.

Well, you know.

I don't really know.

Who takes cookies?

Is there anything in there?

No, but I'm thinking.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

I can't yet.

I know.

I'm sorry.

My ass is fucked up.

Can you ask.

An unopened direction?

I thought it was open.

I know, but

what kind of world do you live in where this is possible?

He opened the tapes, but not the Doritos.

That you can have this much beef jerky sitting out.

Well, you know what it is.

He came back early from his long weekend to do the podcast.

Oh, is it Rode Snacks?

I think it's Rode Snacks, but I also think it's just

no girlfriend snacks, just a boy's night.

He comes in, watches basketball, but he doesn't even crack the Doritos.

You know what really hurts?

The whole reason I got that Papa John's pizza is because what I really wanted was a little Cool Ranch Dorito.

Could not, not my grocery store, not at my bodega, not at the other bodega.

Oh, you went to three places?

Went to three places for Cool Ranch Doritos.

It's all within one block, you know.

Grocery store around the bodega from the bodega.

Like you're picking something up for your pregnant wife.

Did I also have breakfast cereal in my backpack?

Yes.

That I bought from the grocery store.

Look, I told you I had a depressive episode.

I needed to fucking, you know, I needed to feel good.

I love that.

And couldn't find them anywhere.

What do we see here?

Completely unopened, large Doritos bag.

I mean, it's like Adam's mocking me by not even cracking them open.

This beef jerky's pretty good.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's real dressed down.

It's just pepper.

Is it chewy?

It's good.

Try it.

You get a piece.

It's kind of shit.

You can always.

All over the country, there's a guy that has a local business making his own beef jerky and taking it to the gas stations.

It's true.

This is good.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Good consistency.

Yeah.

I'd like it

just a little chewier.

Welcome.

Closing up.

That pepper.

Yeah.

Pepper got me.

I'll clean you out, man.

Pollen out of your fucking head.

Yeah.

Here's a good jerky.

That's

Old Trapper.

Yeah.

Peppered beef jerky.

Since 1969.

Naturally smoked.

Yeah.

Old Trapper Smoked Products Inc., Forest Grove, Oregon.

Wow.

From Oregon.

Very nice.

Well, I guess that's where he was in.

It's supposed to be a small local company that's owned by a Chinese.

Distributed by Lucky Shinghua.

Yeah, we're really fucked.

If we go to war with China, will we have any products?

Nah, dude, we're so fucked up.

Nothing.

Like a handful of shit from the other Asian guys.

This country is going down.

Like, I'm sure everyone has felt that way in different parts of history, but

we just.

No leadership.

Fucking a school shooting every fucking day.

No one can get fucked up.

The economy is about to just fucking completely

crater.

And everyone knows.

Yeah.

Literally everyone knows that we're facing like a once-in-a-lifetime, horrific, catastrophic economic event.

It's going to be like, you know, it's going to be the Great Depression.

It's going to be that bad.

People won't be able to afford food.

There's probably going to, I said it before,

there's probably going to be like a big energy crisis this summer, fucking weeks without power.

You know,

that's going to cause like riots and shit.

We're probably, what, a month away from that.

And when it doesn't happen, it's because they knew I was on to it.

Yep.

And, like, we got to change the plan up.

The genius is logged on.

Oh, yeah.

The speculator genius is logged on.

He's on to our plans.

He's going to short the power grid or something.

Yeah.

That's what happened.

You know, probably don't know this, but I was queuing on.

Mm.

You know.

You're JFK Jr.

Yeah.

And if you look, lined up all the cue drops, they end abruptly right when my girlfriend cheated on me and left it.

A lot of people don't know that a lot of people don't know that, yeah.

That is, in fact, the truth.

Yeah,

that's what happened: I was humiliated, and I was like, I couldn't do my art anymore.

Yeah, and I was like, fuck it, I'll just send all these people into the Capitol.

Smart move, yeah.

And if you see, there's a guy in the vents in a guy Fox mask.

Yeah, that was Nick.

Yeah.

Overseeing it all.

Yeah.

What are we at here, minute-wise?

57.

Oh, beautiful.

I know.

I I love it.

Adam, really.

I mean,

I wonder what's going on.

I'm telling you, I know him.

It's going to be bullshit.

Probably.

It's going to be.

It's at least something that could have waited one hour.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Well,

let's begin a nice, long, three-minute wind down.

Yes.

The Cat in the Hat live-action movie.

Never saw it.

It's gross.

Did you see it?

No, I didn't.

I remember, like, you know, like every child, I love Dr.

Zeus, and then every live-action attempt they had.

The Grinch was good.

I didn't see the Grinch.

Grinch was good.

But I'm like, what the fuck is it?

Because Jim carries a cartoon.

Mike Myers is not cartoonish.

He's his own thing.

It was weird.

Like, he wasn't the cat in the hat.

I believe Rosie O'Donnell did a cat in the hat Broadway thing.

I remember because, as you know, as a child, I was a big Rosie O'Donnell fan.

Rosie Hole Donald.

You said all that shit about team sports earlier, and I'm like, like, fuck, I wish there was an option for that.

It doesn't really exist as an adult.

It's tough.

I mean, you can play like rec league shit.

Yeah, but I feel like a lot of those people are

going to pick your own team.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know, man.

I just feel like

what I'm saying is, I want to go this summer, I'm going to go work out with my brother.

I'm going to find a gym and just shoot basketballs.

Yeah.

Just because that's what I used to do when I was 14, and it was the best time of my life.

Wasn't worried about getting pussy.

Pussy was nowhere to be found.

Yeah.

Just hanging out with the boys, shooting some hoops.

Yeah.

I was playing middle school basketball.

I had been yet to be cut from the high school.

You were 14 in middle school?

Or whatever.

13, whatever age I was in eighth grade.

How old are you in eighth grade?

12?

13?

12, 13, yeah.

Whatever.

That's the year.

And it was just going out, hanging out with all the fucking degenerates from Greek Down.

Fat Bill, Little Bill, Bill P, Chinese Sam,

Sam, Bill China.

Chinese Bill.

Bill and a Chinese Sam.

I wish we had a Chinese Bill.

That would have been awesome.

If all my friends were named Bill.

I'll tell you what, folks, you can hear about all of this on next week's premium episode.

That's true.

Patreon.com slash come town.

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