Ep. 309 – can u smell it

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You're not allowed to participate.

I was doing my own

thing.

No, no, I was doing my own

thing.

I was about to falsetto, but I felt like it was a little bit of a double-time.

Adam, however, he had to get his little piece.

He had to involve himself in a way that he shouldn't have.

Anyways,

this is going to be,

we just said we made the mistake.

We had Nick Rocheford through for the last one.

For this Sunday, upcoming on patreon.com slash come town.

And it was so nice of him, him and his wife, to come by that took him out for a big lunch.

And now I

feel like I'm having a stroke.

Oh, yeah, podcast post-lunch?

Yeah.

It's rough, man.

Yeah, yeah.

No, above my eye, it's just like I'm being stabbed in the fucking.

It's like there's, you know, what do you call it?

A knife?

Yeah.

Yeah, knife jabbed in there.

Jamel, you haven't done the show in years, huh?

It's been

more than one week since you looked at me.

Yeah, so it's this thing has really just completely deteriorated.

Adam's going to look at his phone the entire time.

No, I was trying to do something.

Oh, yeah.

He was trying to do something.

I didn't know you were saying

that my mistake.

I didn't realize Adam was trying to do something.

You were the last nigga playing Candy Crush?

Yeah.

I was the last N-word playing Candy Crush.

He wasn't just looking at his phone.

They're making a movie about it.

He wasn't just looking at his phone.

He was trying to do something.

The last black man

starring Tom Cruise.

Are you saying I'm the last to play Candy Crush?

There's not a single other on earth playing Candy Crush right now.

It's just me.

He's got an untied do-rag on it.

He's got the flaps out.

Not only do I find out I'm a, but I'm also the only person playing Candy Crush right now.

It's a double whammy.

I'm alone in two different ways.

Executive produced by Dan Snyder.

Yeah.

Come on now.

Dan Snyder, rebranding himself as Dan Sch.

Dan Sch.

He's like, now no one can cancel me.

You say my name, they get fired.

I was feeling somebody that some girl,

scientific American, congratulated some like German woman who won some award for her science.

And this poor bitch, she's Viennese, and her name, I don't even know if I can say it.

I don't know if I can say it.

Her name's Anna Schluternigga?

Oh, no.

Yeah, Jamil, can you read it for us?

Wow.

We really hacked the system.

If my little brother listens to this, Nick didn't really say it.

He was hitting the beeps.

He was just having fun.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Read this.

Go ahead.

Read this to us.

Let's see what we got here.

Thanks, Jamel.

Please, for us.

Congratulations, niggas and

Scientific American is reporting on your success.

At Comms Fizz,

2 Vienna.

Time for Ions.

Hidden particle interactions exposed by niggas.

No, No, I don't say that.

Peeling layers of graphene.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, the rest is who's.

Yeah, we don't give a shit about that.

But yeah.

Look at this and look at this woman.

Anna, and that's her last name.

Her name is Anna Niggas.

Not spelled different.

Not spelled different at all.

It's just Anna.

I can't even, if it was like, you know, because I would say it if her name was like Anna, Anna, like Nigas or something.

That would be fine.

Sure.

That's just straight up.

Yeah, there was even an H in there.

And it wasn't N-I-G-G-A-S.

That is her name.

And she's from Germany.

She's like an important scientist.

She's from Austria.

How did this family survive the Holocaust?

How the fuck were they looking at the roles and they're like, yeah,

we'll let the go.

Wait, so she's German.

Yeah.

Oh, so I thought she was like probably a Southeast Asian or something.

Wow.

No, wow.

Yeah.

There's two types of Austrians.

Yeah.

Those are from the Black Forest.

You know that Chris Rock joke?

Yeah.

Yeah, they're always trying to mess up.

That Hitler joke.

You know that Hitler joke?

It was a Hitler joke.

You know that Hitler joke.

Yes, two types of Austrians.

Damn, this thing tastes weird.

What is it?

It looks like a little lemon poppy.

It probably like lemon poppy, but it tastes like they put fabuloso in it.

Really?

After I already stress ate half the fucking thing.

Those are the gifts from Rushford.

And

come on the pod.

Okay,

I love you.

You know this song?

Is it a Jackie Chan single?

Okay, I love you.

Okay, I love you, Jackie Chan.

Yeah, you'd really like that song.

Is he wearing a white tucked man t-shirt in the video?

What's your name?

What's your name?

What do you do for a living?

I am a German scientist.

And what's your name?

It's Anna.

Fucking

doing crowd work with Anna.

PhD student at TU Vienna researching the interaction of highly charged ions in 2D materials.

Congratulations, nigga.

Yeah.

I mean, that is just

that's unreal.

Yeah, what does it mean?

Yeah.

Where does it come from?

What is the origin of it?

It's a family name, Jamel.

Wow.

That's crazy.

Look, you can click more about Anna.

Wow.

Well, fuck, man.

How y'all been?

I've been all right.

I've been doing great since I found out about this lady.

Yeah, yeah.

Nah, that'll change a whole season.

I'm doing well.

Jamel and I are chilled this weekend.

Yeah.

We had a wild one.

Speaking of niggas, can we talk about how disappointed Adam is that I'm dating another white woman?

Not another white woman.

He was so upset about it.

He was worse than that.

I wasn't upset about the fact that she's white.

There's another detail you're leaving out.

What was it?

Because I have to look at my friend's Instagram story and say, oh, Seder, Night 2, and I'm like, oh, they got him.

Yeah, man.

They got him.

Yeah,

I don't want this life for you.

Adam's all for interracial dating, as long as it's not a Jewish.

The Jews.

I don't want this life for you.

You got to be careful around those people, Javel.

And then Shorty saw his picture.

She was like, did we go to camp together?

Yeah, of course.

No, I don't think.

We probably did.

He probably gave me a dry hand drop.

The

counselor Anna.

Come on, man.

I wonder, there had to have been, if she's Austrian, because it's like, you know,

it's not like, you know, these people have been there for thousands of years.

There's got to be a whole family of them.

You know, it's not like it's just.

Oh, yeah, there's generations.

Yeah.

It's a family name.

It's from a long line of niggas.

And they had to have been around during World War II.

What if they changed it after World War II?

For what reason?

It was a good thing.

Just to be like, we're sorry.

Yeah.

This is how you know what side I'm on.

Yeah.

We're actually part of the good guys.

We're the sorriest.

Just to

search that.

And that's what I'm looking for.

They got a manor?

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

They got schnitzel in there.

Probably, yeah.

This is a hotel.

Good water with the lemons in it.

Yeah.

Niggas love that shit.

Look at this.

So this one says fam in it, too.

Gastoff Kraner Vert Fam.

Beep.

Regionale Coochie in dieser.

And there's a Coochie?

Yeah, Regionale Coochie.

Dog, this sounds like a joke I heard on Def Jam.

Mm-hmm.

This is a Damon Williams classic.

Look at this place right next door.

Penis in House Styrer M.

Kaiserwald.

Penis in Arkendorf.

Mm-hmm.

Show is.

Where else is my penis going to be at?

Lanoch is a municipality and district of Deutschlandsburg in the Austrian state of Styria.

And then, where is it?

Lanoch.

Let's see.

I saw something in here about the mayor.

His name is Joseph.

Joseph.

Coonberry?

No, Joseph, also the N-word.

Oh.

They got a mayor in the family?

So

they're a powerful family.

Yeah.

They got scientists.

They knew Archer Duke Ferdinand.

Now, this was the culture that Hitler was fighting to preserve.

Let me read this review right here.

You got to read that out loud.

I should read it.

Nowhere but niggas.

The food was outstanding.

Service was out of this world.

And these niggas really know how to cook up a meal.

That's not real.

Jeez, I swear to God,

that's all TripAdvisor is.

That's a top review on TripAdvisor for Gastoff Kreiner View.

These niggas really know how to cook up a meal.

End of sentence.

That's crazy.

There's only 209 people with that surname.

And look, they're all in Russia or just in Austria.

There's nothing else.

In Eastern Europe, there's this big break where all these guys.

They're in Russia, too?

Yeah.

Wow.

I guess down here in, was that Brazil?

Oh, yeah, sure.

There's a lot of them in Brazil.

There's a few niggas in that.

Yeah.

This is hilarious.

I wish I had known about this before.

There you go.

Restaurant.

Restaurant niggas in Austria.

That's a Jay-Z song.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're going to escape to one song and one song only.

I'm glad this came up.

This is a great way to just phone in the rest of the episode.

Yeah, we got to coast off the rest of them.

I think we got it.

Yeah, I think we got it.

That's a one-take masterpiece.

The clan of Austrian niggas.

Oh, wow.

This is something way different.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's okay.

I can't get SoundCloud to work.

Damn.

This is by Congo Beats.

And it's just a bunch of...

It looks like, you know, West Africans with sunglasses.

Yeah.

And then there's police cars.

There's Ford Explorer police cars on there.

Like, but they're real tiny.

Yeah, and then what's that on the fringe?

Diamonds.

It's framed in diamonds.

That's cool.

Cops and diamonds.

Africa Trap Tape Volume 1.

And there's drink.

There's purple drink around the volume one.

Yeah, that's good.

No condoms.

No condoms.

Uh-oh.

Okay.

Howdy, I'm the sheriff of Latvia.

That's this is something else.

Now we've just we've gone completely off track.

It's spinning.

Moving on, I guess we're going to talk about uh the netflix uh

tanking in the stock market that is huge it's huge where are they at today let's take a look let's see where the markets open is because they won't let people share passwords yeah they don't want you to steal your grandma's password anymore this ain't your grandma's pussy your mom your mom netflix netflix changed their slogan to this ain't your grandma's pussy and they thought that would be a bold move and it completely is bad tank their stock the nasdaq wasn't having it No, they did not like that very much.

Tokyo markets.

Just get ready till when China wakes up.

No, this is bad, dude.

It dropped.

It dropped like way overnight, but it hasn't even recovered at all.

Now it's just like bleeding slowly.

Yeah, this is bad.

We got to buy low on Netflix.

Yeah, what does that mean?

Where's Carol Baskin on this?

Susan Baskin.

Yeah, they got it.

Baskin and Robbins, the shareholders.

Baskin.

I mean, truth be told, I never even really fucked with Netflix.

Yeah, Netflix sucks, dude.

They just bought a bunch of content, and it's all like

everything on Netflix.

There's never been a single Netflix show that's actually good.

It's just shit that you're supposed to watch so you can have conversations about it with other people.

Yeah, you've never watched Tiger Cook.

Nobody's active.

Nobody's emotionally engaging with Netflix content.

They're thinking about talking about it later at work.

Yeah, Squid James made me upset.

I don't want to see 100 Koreans get bucked down.

Fuck Korean people, dude.

If I was the CEO of Netflix, that's the direction I would say, I would be like, look, fuck Korean people.

That's really

this ain't your grandma's pussy.

We're taking Netflix in a new direction.

We're bringing porno back.

And yes, we're calling it porno.

Ooh, big boxes?

None of this sex worker bullshit.

These are sluts getting their pussies fucked out.

Getting railed.

Maybe we pay them.

Maybe we don't, bitch.

It's coming in the mail.

This ain't your grandma's pussy.

This ain't your grandma's pussy.

You know what we need?

Is a mascot.

Netflix doesn't have a mascot.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, they need it.

I'm thinking a big, like, a pit bull wearing a vest and he's got an uncircumcised dick.

And he's having sex with a slutty woman.

I got a woman.

He's got a

Korean woman.

And she's drooling.

He's bent over.

The dog's not.

Yeah.

And the dog's name is Roscoe.

The Netflix dick's piped down

dick dog.

Damn, you just reminded me of my boy Dickum Down Doula.

R.I.P.

Dickam Down Dulla.

What happened to him?

He was the door guy at this open mic.

Oh, I thought he was a doula.

Oh, he didn't help women give birth?

No.

His name was Abdullah, but he went by doula.

Okay.

And he called himself Dick'em Down Doula.

That's funny.

Hey, you having a baby?

Let me help.

Is it mine?

No.

Let me help you.

A doula, what is that?

That's just like a wet nurse, right?

It's, yeah, I guess so.

Show is.

What is a wet nurse?

No, wet nurse is.

All of these taste weird.

I think maybe I got COVID again.

Really?

Yeah.

COVID's back.

That's the last 10 minutes.

Yeah.

The BA.

What is it?

They stopped doing Roman or Greek letters.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

The new variant.

Oh,

they gave it new names?

Yeah, yeah.

Because it was offensive to Greek people.

Yeah, yeah.

We can't take these Corona Romeos.

These bullsheets.

The Romeos, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Romeo.

They're giving it, they're doing, they should do hurricane names, honestly.

Like alphabetic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Angela.

Angela, Andrew.

Bernice.

Variant, yeah.

Yeah.

And it's a loud type of hurricane.

Variant Urkel.

They got to have it.

You realize there's going to be a Hurricane Urkel at some point because they run out of names.

Yeah, Herkel.

Yeah.

There's got to be a hurricane.

And the local news are going to have to say, Did I do that?

Did I do that?

Is what people are asking in the aftermath aftermath of Hurricane Urkel.

As you can see the wreckage behind me.

It leaves this family homeless asking, did I do that?

Your son was killed in the storm last night.

Yes.

Does it leave you asking, did I do that?

Like, what are you talking about?

The show family matters.

Stephen Urkel.

Stephen Urkel, the hurricane's namesake.

Why are you doing news voice to me?

You're only supposed to do it to the camera

dude that would be really sad first hurricane in chicago in 112 years

yeah followed by hurricane lara

liara

can i just have a piece of pussy hurricane urkel was was chasing hurricane lara's path Carl, I just want a little bit of

pussy, Carl.

Get out of my house, Zergle.

God damn it.

You can't fuck my daughter.

Go home, Steve.

You know, it should have been Steve Harvey instead of Steve Urkel.

That would have been much better.

Yeah, but he had too much sauce.

He's like, that's too hard.

Yeah, exactly.

Harvey is incapable physically of calling.

He's not.

I was like,

Steve, you're three years older than I am.

My daughter is 17.

He's a pedophile.

That's the family matters, too.

I saw

the Netflix Reebles.

Yeah, Netflix Rebel, the Family Matters.

That's how they come back.

Come back harder than ever.

I saw a Steve clip the other day.

It's like Steve Harvey imparts wisdom for life.

And he's like, if you're a man, you need five different kinds of suit.

A black suit, a brown suit, a tan suit, a blue suit, whatever.

He names five suits.

You need three different shirts.

He's like, a white shirt, a light blue shirt, and then some other shirt.

And he's like, that gives you 75 suit combinations.

Okay.

All those jackets go with all those pants go with all those shirts.

It's just like people in the audience clapping and nodding.

Suit science, man.

It's important, don't

but it's so clear he'd like given that lecture before,

and like, but it was like, yeah, uh, like wisdom for life imparted by Steve, Steve Harvey.

You gotta get one of them dress shirts with

the funny collar.

Yeah, with the one, the pins that pin down.

The one joint.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

I mean, he does raise a good point.

We should be wearing suits right now.

Imagine he saw this podcast taking place.

He'd be disgusted by our presentation.

Paul, bro.

I'm going to start dressing like

a merchant marine that's been...

What's it called when they turn you into the navy?

You just have to be a part of the navy.

Oh, you.

You got a name for it.

Yeah, I forget.

Yeah.

It's not conscription.

It's like...

It's a name.

You're debuggered

during the Napoleonic Wars.

I'm going to dress like one of those guys.

You get sexed into the Navy.

Yeah, I'm going to try and dress like an 1800s British sailor and smell as bad as possible.

I'm going to start pissing myself.

That shit are cracking Williamsburg.

Yeah.

You'll get more bitches.

We saw a very cool Japanese guy dressed like a Hasidic Jew one time on CNN.

And we're like, this is, what is this guy?

It's clear that he was just like, this is cool New York style.

That he like this

thing.

The slickest Japanese guy you've ever seen.

He's never been angry or depressed once in his life.

Yeah, he's just even keel.

Yeah, his mood is just nutted.

He's been in a just-nut mentality for 30 years.

For 30 years.

It was very cool.

And his friend that he was sitting with.

And then they pay for it because then they turn 31 and then they get hit with a literal tsunami of depression and they fucking have to go out in the woods and hang themselves.

Yeah, yeah, they have to go to the Suicide Forest.

I mean,

that's their magic school bus over there.

There's a Suicide Forest.

And Miss Frizzle takes him out there.

Yeah.

It's a field trip, technically.

Yeah.

That's how I've always soughted the Suicide Force is the Japanese version of their that's their magic school bus.

Who was the Urkel on Magic School Bus?

They had a little kid that everybody hated.

Arnold.

Arnold.

Arnold?

Yeah, I think it was a.

No, I thought it was Carlos.

Carlos.

Oh, yeah, Carlos.

Carlos was the main guy, though.

He was just sort of the class clown kind of.

Carlos was always trying to fuck Miss Frizzle.

Yeah.

And then she was like, Carlos.

It was a sex scandal because she was like,

yeah, she was fucking the thir thirteen-year-old Carlos, and she had to she had to go behind the bars.

Everyone was trying to dap up Carlos, though, for getting pussy off an adult woman.

I mean, for sure.

But you don't understand the mental toll that it took on him.

Well, he was in a large intestine having sex with an adult woman.

Yeah, I searched in Miss Frizzle Nude, and here's a video.

Miss Frizzle from the Magic School Bus.

And it's just a fat lady fingering herself under a table.

Hell yeah.

You can't even see that she has red hair because it's under a table.

But it's oh, I guess, I guess, you can.

I guess at the be the beginning of the video,

Arnold was like the Jewish one, I think

for sure

who looked like Miss Frizzle's kid.

All right, so I trust you guys, just be nice.

Thanks,

just cuts to under the table.

Oh my god.

Does Miss Frizzle even wear that dress?

No, she wears a purple dress.

Actually, I'm looking at pictures of the cartoon.

She's kind of hot.

Miss Frizzle from the cartoon?

Yeah, she's a little wacky, but she's kind of hot.

She should have definitely given Carl.

Carlos and I were in love.

He touched me in a way that no man my age has ever touched me.

Oh, yeah.

They were like, they did have like a BK Kids Club vibe where it was like every race,

Jewish kid, Asian.

No wheelchair, though.

They ain't had no wheelchairs.

No wheelchair.

No,

because it would have been impossible to get him on the bus.

You'd need one of those hydraulic lifts.

And yeah, and when you're in a large intestine, you don't got time for all that, man.

We got to get on the stock.

We're already shooting.

We got to run back to the bus.

And he's like, come on.

This isn't a handicap accessory.

We got T-cells chasing us right now.

We're investigating HIV.

Get the fuck out of here.

This is fucked up.

Oh, my God.

The white blood cells are like

they're getting their shit beaten up right now.

Oh, I guess that is Miss Frizzle Dress.

I found it on sex.com.

Nice.

Miss Frizzle Cosplay.

Why wouldn't you check that immediately?

Sex.com.

Just typing this out.

That's where all boys learned about it yeah i thought sex.com was was closed

why is there a gizmodo article the kids of the magic school bus ranked

yeah who is that for how dare they that's weird i don't know what the fuck this is apparently there's a there's a lot of these miss frizzle posts and it's always big women was miss riszzle thick no she think she might but she wore a big ass dress she might have been thick under the dress oh yeah I didn't I never really let my imagination run wild like that.

Because they didn't, you couldn't have a fat butt in the 90s like that.

She was persecuted.

Damn, on this ranking, they gave Carlos the last spot and Arnold the top spot.

Carlos was a Latina, right?

For sure.

He was like a spicy Latina.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big caliente.

He was like, Miss Frizzle, you're so stupid.

Miss Frizzle, that's so fucking stupid.

Stupid.

Fucking bitch.

Miss Frizzle, sled, sled, sled, slip, slut-ass, miss Freezel.

Fucking slight.

You know, something like that.

Yeah,

something like that.

Trying in there.

Well, folks, you're probably wondering, have you seen the Batman movie yet?

Have you guys seen it?

I haven't, man.

I waited at least a year and a half before I watch any movie.

I respect that because you don't want to wade into the discourse, dude.

You want to have your own independent opinions.

Yeah.

I want to be free.

It's too fraught.

I did see it.

I think we've talked about it.

Oh, shit.

What are we talking about?

I thought you were going to do the read.

What were we talking about?

Super specioso.

Super speciosa.

Why don't you go to the website and tell them a little bit more?

Jamel, have you ever enjoyed the substance known as kratom?

Mm-hmm.

What did you think?

Crazy kratom.

What do they call it?

It's kind of like a muffin with cream cheese frosting, right?

No, it's not.

No, you're thinking of a croissant.

Oh, okay.

My bet.

I think you're thinking of a Danish.

No, this is a natural powder from Southeast Asia.

It comes from a leaf.

And you can get it in three different formats on superspeciosa.com.

You can get tablets, powders, capsules, and tea bags.

They had different strains, and because it's Vietnamese, it's got fucked up names.

No, actually, it's just called Kratom Powder.

I want the banana one.

Look into it though.

This floods are a red bali.

Red Bali.

A green mayang da.

Oh, Nick was not lying.

Anyway, this shit is.

Why would you use or buy super speciosa?

You know, that's it.

That's their language.

Yeah, that's, yeah.

Anyway, why would you buy super speciosa?

And the reason you would buy supersonic.

Nobody knows what type of Chinese they are.

Oh, is it me?

Okay, why would you buy super speciosa?

Why would you buy super speciosa?

Because you deserve the highest quality products you deserve some a little treat before you kill yourself so do they strive to give you that every step of the way you get a 30-day guarantee if you're not happy neither are they they're actually pissed it pisses them off i will say this and according to the fda this is not a claim made by the company or even me no one's claiming this but if you're trying to get off heroin this is the better option between this and like methadone or suboxan or whatever oh what because this is also it's highly addictive it's really bad for you and the withdrawals are just as bad, if not worse.

Yeah.

Yeah, but the...

But it's legal.

That's the point.

And you can buy it from your favorite cum podcast.

And it's also legal.

That's all we need.

They have the most trusted quality in the game.

They subject their products to the strictest quality control standards.

In the industry, every batch is thoroughly inspected and lab tested for impurities and contaminants.

They ship fast.

If you order by 2 p.m.

Eastern Standard Time, they ship the same day every single day, except on Sundays, because they in church.

We also have several different expedited shipping methods.

They have friendly customer service.

People fucking love this shit.

And this is the kind of shit that you need

to get pussy from Grundy.

You go to like superogx.com or something like that.

Right?

No, you go to superspeciosa.com.

No, it's either getsuperleak.com or superogx.com.

I think superspeciosa.com also works.

Okay.

Because I'm looking at it right now.

Look, we started working with these guys before they even knew what they wanted to name the company.

That's how it did.

They started off with a product that they knew was fire

and then they didn't figure out any of the marketing or branding.

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Okay.

What are you watching?

Miss Frizzle Porns?

Yeah, just looking at

pornography on my phone.

I think every third episode at this point, we just start watching porn on our phones.

Well, I started off with the Netflix thing.

I was doing the Netflix guy.

That was good.

I liked him.

This ain't your grandma's pussy.

Yeah.

You guys, I'll be in Raleigh, California, Raleigh, New York.

North Carolina.

North Carolina.

There you go.

Raleigh, North Carolina,

June something.

Also, a lot of people have been asking me about the merch merch.

She'll be out in the next week and a half.

I check out either Twitter or Instagram.

You go to the bio, and you can find tickets to see me live in Raleigh.

We're going to get those tickets moving.

I'll be in Raleigh and then Portland.

I think those are the next dates.

And then Caroline's on Broadway.

And then who knows?

I think after that, Chicago.

I will be doing, I will be returning to the Lincoln Lodge.

Lincoln Lodge.

Okay.

That's where I started stand-up.

At the Lincoln Lodge?

Yeah, well, I've been trying to get this bid off where

I'm trying to convince niggas I'm from Chicago.

Oh, okay.

Really?

Because if you're from Chicago, in L.A., you just instantly make 15 more grand.

That's how you get it.

We moved here.

They all moved to L.A.

They all moved to L.A.

And we're sick and tired of that.

Yeah, we crushed those guys.

We edged them out.

We edged them out.

We got the Chicago crew out of here.

We put ketchup on all their hot dogs, and they were like, what the hell is this mean?

Well, you know what?

It's kind of, we were like the Rudy Jill.

We cleaned up New York.

It was run by these Chicago.

We got rid of Clark.

We got rid of Clark and Kenny, and we fucking, they're in jail now.

Yeah.

And they're doing a hard time.

And it's not like we replaced them.

It's not like we replaced them with our crew.

I ran those guys out of town, and then I quit comedy myself.

Yeah.

Smart.

No one gets to be able to do it.

I'll put an end to it.

It's like how Harry Potter ended.

There's no good.

No, I mean that.

I single-handedly did that.

I moved to New York, and now there's not a single good show in the middle.

Kicked him to the curb.

Fucking think of it.

Except for Funny Moms.

Come on, everybody.

Every Monday.

What was it?

Except for the first Monday of the month.

They've been great recently.

Oil Face Larry's.

What was that place when we moved here?

No, there was a place in the East Village.

That was the big.

Oil Face Larry's was the big show.

Fucking Knitting Factory.

No, there was a revision.

Not revision.

You're thinking of Open Mic.

So I'm talking about the big shows.

Camp.

No, the place on Second Hot Soup was a big show.

Whiplash was a big show.

Cabin.

Cabin.

That's the the one I was trying to discuss the other day.

Cabin.

When you moved here, that was the show you wanted to see.

Yeah.

Oil can Harry.

That was what it was called.

I don't remember that.

That was a big show.

And I came here and I said, we're going to clean this town up.

And all of the shows are gone.

Because that's the thing about

Chicago is it's a corrupt place and they're a corrupt comedy gang.

Yeah.

Now it's run by the daily crime machine.

Now you can do one of 87 shows at Two Boots Pizza.

You can figure out how to be a club comic.

I came here and I destroyed the old scene once and for all.

Well played, sir.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know how he did it?

He started gossiping.

He got in there and he started gossiping immediately.

I said Kenny raped Clark.

Oh, shit.

I started the rumor.

We've talked about Clark and Kenny in two straight episodes.

I started the rumor.

They're good guys.

I played basketball with Kenny like a month ago.

Well, you know, he raped Clark Jones.

I mean, I just found out, sir.

I just found out.

I don't know what the dude said.

I was surprised as a Chicago guy.

You've never heard of it.

Man, you know, because I just stayed to myself when I was out there.

Where were you from?

You're north side, south side?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was over by the lake.

Westside, east side.

Yeah.

Eastside.

I was on the side of the lake.

On the side.

West side of the lake, east side of the city.

Exactly.

Is the whole crew, the whole, like, those three guys are all out in LA now?

Yeah.

Will Clark and Denny?

Actually, I don't know where.

Carl Clark is in Chicago.

Yeah, Clark.

But then there was like Megan and Lisa.

They were also in Chicago.

What's Lisa up to?

I don't know.

Last time I noticed,

yeah, she was being canceled for something.

I can't remember what it was.

She was on MSNBC saying Bernie was older.

It was Bernie, but then immediately after that, somebody dug up her tweets from like literally like six weeks prior that was like, if you're Chinese, get the hell out of the pet store.

I know where you're in.

It was like fucking just horrific.

It was like Kurt Metzger had been writing her tweets for like years.

It was like, uh-oh.

Look out.

Here comes a Chinese lady trying to navigate the parking lot.

Something happened.

Beep, beep, Magellan.

Well,

she shouldn't have come for Bernie.

Yeah.

And then she was like, I've grown a lot since April.

I've changed.

But she weathered that pretty well.

I think you can't get canceled ever.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I mean, cancellation doesn't really exist.

It's like, are you in this

work group or are you not?

If you're writing for three different fucking sitcoms,

you're not going to get canceled for anything you say, for sure.

You have to rape.

I think those people have to rape.

Meanwhile, if you're like, you know, a guy that's like

friends with anyone that works at the stand or whatever, if you've like the Scott Chaplin got fucking canceled for having gone on a compound media show.

Oh, he went on Gavin McGinnis.

Because the booker, the guy who books the stand, like, was just asking people to go on there because he was booking Gavin.

He didn't know who Gavin was.

No one knew.

And it's also, you do, like, you do whatever you can.

You know?

Yeah, you're a comic.

You're like making zero dollars.

You're like, yeah, I'll do the Nazi power hour.

Yeah, Comedy Central took the roast away from him because of that.

They were like, oh, we can in good conscience.

Very funny comedian.

Which it's like, I wish I could know the names of the people that made the decision, that decision at Comedy Central.

And then

figure out a way to hurt those people.

Not physically, but make sure that just what kind of two-faced spinelessness it takes to fucking like a guy that's worked for 10 years on something to take that away from him because it's the one year in your entire life where you're pretending you have some kind of professional morality.

Yeah.

Oh, and you became good.

Not if you went on, not if you went on Gavin's show.

Yeah.

He was just like the guy that sold vice.

It was like before he became a Nazi, right?

Yeah, I mean, he was like a misogynist or whatever.

Like, who the fuck cares?

I did, uh, I did Edie Amin's podcast.

Did you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What was it called?

It's a cooking podcast.

Yeah, he's it's a cooking podcast.

Eating Amin.

Eating Amin.

Eating Namin.

Namin.

Eating Namin.

I was going to say, the only cooking podcast I know is Carl Hess's.

I think he's like a fan.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, he does.

What's it called?

Again, Yelling About Pate?

I think that's it.

I haven't seen that guy in forever.

Yeah.

He's on LA too, I think.

Yeah, well, he's always been in LA.

He's always been an LA guy.

They did that Last King of Scotland.

That was a makeup for the Last Samurai, probably.

They were like, we gave gave The Last Samurai to a white guy.

We're going to give Scotland to a black guy.

Yeah, The Last Samurai, which originally was titled The Last Ching of Chongland.

But that was the title of the game.

They wrote it.

He didn't write.

That wasn't the title of the last The Last Ching of Chongland, and then they had to make Last King of Scotland to make up for it.

Adam's gone.

Yeah, what happened?

Adam's calling up all of his Asian ex-girlfriends to apologize to them for that joke.

You're going to hear something in two weeks.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you mean, Adam?

What happened?

Just don't turn on your phone.

Adam, what happened?

Come on.

The pod's going to get a little rough the next couple of weeks.

Yeah.

The last changing of changing.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

This cat is killing me right now.

Nicholas, I think maybe I will learn karate.

I wish it wasn't funny.

What?

But it is.

The last ching of chongland.

That's funny.

That's very funny.

Yeah, this is funny.

Unfortunately, hilarious.

This is just funny, man.

Yeah.

I can't can't believe what's his name wrote that movie.

Who?

Cheech Mirror?

That fam?

Joel Kim.

Oh, Joel Kim.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, man, you got to get it back, man.

You got to get it back.

Comedy is hard.

Comedy is hard.

The opportunities are so few and far between.

I'm telling you.

We really demean ourselves.

Why'd you say Joel Kimbooster?

I don't know.

I was just trying to think of an Asian comedian.

He won't like that.

He's not a good enough friend of ours that you can say that.

He's going to hear that and he's going to be like, fuck Adam.

For writing The Last King of Scotland?

Yeah, for saying he wrote The Last String of Chon.

Oh, I mean,

I wasn't fascinated.

You just burned a bridge.

That fancy

call out.

You just burned the bridge over the River Kawai.

Damn, son.

Come on, man.

You know, it's...

You know,

I work in this business.

I barely know the Chicago guys enough to say that Clark

raped Clark.

Yeah, he was just there when it happened.

That's what he's allowed to say.

I'm a very casual

case with those two guys.

I barely know them.

That other guy is going to be like the president of Hollywood at a certain point, Joel.

Joel?

Yeah, he's going to run the entertainment industry, probably.

Why do you say that?

Oh, now you're kissing his ass.

No, I'm kissing his ass.

Because he's going to find out.

He's going to hear through the grave rine that Adam Friedland said that he wrote.

Stop saying my name like that.

I'm the one who's going to have to see that.

I've never said my last name on the pod before.

You're doxxing me right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's fucked up.

Everybody already hates me.

I don't have to worry about shit.

No one hates you, dude.

Everybody hates me.

That's not true.

You know who I heard listens to the show?

Ellen.

That's another one of these stories.

Ellen DeGeneres.

Yeah.

Ellen listens to the show.

She's a big fan.

Yeah, after she, she, Ellen got canceled.

Ellen got canceled for

just being a bitch.

I love that shit, dude.

To be a man in the entertainment industry, you have to rape like 50 people before you lose your job for a year and get an $18 million severance package.

Yeah, a good one.

Ellen Degenerate.

Ellen DeGeneres raised her voice during lunch at a PA.

They're like, she's done.

Fuck this bitch.

Get her out of here, sir.

The toxic work environment.

What did they say, though?

What was she doing?

She was like being mean to interns?

Yeah, she's just a fucking like a

Hollywood person.

She's just, yeah, she just drives people.

Yeah.

She's just doing what Scott Rudin does.

She's doing probably what Jon Stewart had a reputation for at the Daily Show.

Was he doing that at the Daily Show?

Yeah, just being a guy that cares a lot about his product and like, you know, he's got people that work for him.

And he's like, you know what?

Demanding.

Demanding, yeah.

Which, like, honestly, it's fine you know it's like it's a creative thing that's the thing there needs to be like because the reason like hollywood protected a bunch of rapists is because it is this weird intersection between like art and business and for art it's like you do have to make some kind of like exceptions for people's idiosyncrasies you know if somebody is like an artist to a certain extent if this was like you know a factory and there was a boss like abusing employees because it's like we got to make X amount of you know cardboard boxes by 3 p.m.

Then that would be fucked up.

But if it's somebody that makes something that's like unique and a creative project, if you choose to go work with some fucking artist, then...

If you got a DJ, if you dance in your intro,

come on, man.

It's not like a normal employee.

She's an institution.

Yeah.

Ellen, I would let you hit me.

I'd say somebody being yelled at to get what the daily show used to be is worth it.

You know what I mean?

No, that's fair.

You want a workplace where everybody's paid fair and no one gets yelled at and and they clock out at five and they follow the union rules and you can watch like

current daily show.

Yeah, the current daily show, the Amber Ruffin show.

People show up, they write their three jokes, they go have lunch, they collect their fucking three grand a week, and they good for them, honestly.

Yeah, fuck it.

I mean, whatever.

If you want a job, you got a job.

That's the job.

Yeah.

But you want to

really be the only thing in the media holding

fucking

these Iraq war mongers

to the fire, holding their feet to the fire,

then it takes Jon Stewart yelling at you.

Yeah, he's got to yell at a couple interns

to keep Dick Cheney.

I honestly do not care a fucking thing about anything I just said.

I'm just trying to kill Tom until the next action.

No, he sounded good, honestly.

He was one of Rolls.

I don't care.

I don't care, dude.

Yeah, that's it.

That's what I mean.

I got to abuse Adam so I can come up with sort of opinions like that that I don't feel that doesn't reflect anything so we can just get right to talking about what was it again?

The Netflix stock prize.

Nope, the

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Oh, my preschooler loves Blues Clues.

It's like your preschooler shits itself.

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What do you mean it loves it?

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Is that the New York?

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What's the story, Wishbone?

Did you read that in a book?

Did I do that?

Is what people are saying after Hurricane Wishbone Urkel.

Devastated

the Florida panhandle.

I was going to go with

Gavilston.

Gavleston?

Galveston.

Galveston.

Galveston.

Galveston.

Yeah.

What you remember it is there's a gal wearing a vest.

She's got a vest on.

She's like, how you doing?

I'm a slut.

Yeah, I was about to say,

I'm a truck-stop whore.

She's a piece of trash, meth, slut.

She's a bad.

She's muddy.

Fuck.

Disgustingly fuck in a port-a-potty.

Yeah.

And that's how you remember the name of Galveston.

Guys,

huge news that we have yet to discuss.

Adam's gay.

I'm gay.

Real?

Well, we've discussed it.

Is that why you need 34 dick pills a month?

Yes.

My girlfriend makes me physically ill.

The sight of her is repulsive.

And let's be fair, she is a dog.

Yeah, she's an absolute

worst straight.

She is a burning trash fire.

That is a disgusting woman.

Woof.

She's just, she's my best friend.

So, um,

my best friend's wedding.

My best friend's wedding.

Great movie, Julia Roberts.

Yeah.

Great movie.

Julia Roberts.

What happened to her?

She's not in movies anymore.

She got raped.

Okay.

All right, sorry.

That's what I heard.

Guys, huge news.

Kenny strikes again.

Kenny, stop it.

Kenny doesn't deserve this shit.

It's hard to talk with that delay.

He's a great guy.

Sorry, sorry, Kenny.

Sorry, Kenny.

Sorry, sorry, Kenny.

Dude, they were like an ins when we moved here.

I don't like the echo.

As long as I have my voice still invited to

the basketball game, I don't care.

Thank you, Kenny.

Thank you, Kenny.

Folks.

Stop, stop.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear it, Ben.

Is this what they're listening to?

I apologize to the audience.

Has Bluetooth ever hit y'all and been like, hey, stop fucking around and sell the pills?

No, they asked us to go farther.

Stop it.

Stop.

Stop.

Just turn this off.

Stop fucking around.

We got to get these fucking dick pills off.

Everybody, dick soft in Brooklyn.

They may have asked that at some point, but I don't really check the email.

Yeah, no.

Smart.

I don't know if they paid us or anything.

Can you

turn my voice back to normal?

Why?

He's too far away from.

He can't.

He can't.

That's what people want: they want more Adam on the show.

Yeah.

They do.

A lot of people have been asking.

I've been asking for that.

Nobody got more Adam.

Today?

Today?

I can see myself.

I can master myself.

Why do niggas be like,

people who listen to y'all show are like, everyone thinks they're the producer of the show.

Yeah.

Every fan is like, oh,

they're all comedy experts.

The EQ is off.

And there's a guy that got fired from a grocery store six years ago.

And he's like, if Adam said two less sentences, the show would be an optimum performance.

Well, I used to get people that would like fucking

people that would give me advice.

Some guys would be like drunk at like 3 a.m.

They would DM me and be like, dude, what you got to do is you got to, and they would like tell me which direction my career should go.

Yeah.

And it's like,

you're like a skateboarder.

Yeah, dog, you already like the show.

You're a guy that just skateboards.

What do you mean, this is what I need to do?

You listen to the show on the computers at the library.

Yeah, man, enjoy.

Just have fun.

It's next to a homeless guy watching Miss Frizzle porn.

Yeah.

Which is that guy is doing like a more honorable thing.

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And all of their licensed medical providers are sexy women.

Good afternoon, sexy.

That's what I say to her.

My doctor, every time I see her, I say, good afternoon, sexy.

And they took my health insurance away.

You got canceled out of health insurance.

I got canceled out of health insurance for saying, hello, nurse.

Bugs bunny style.

For doing a Bugs Bunny style bit to

the woman at City MD.

I didn't know they could take the health insurance from you.

Damn.

You got canceled for anything.

And it's so funny just the fervor.

i i have to i look at twitter sometimes and it's like this has to be 95

just bots there's no way that like i i i refuse to believe that that that many like americans are like we should get this guy all of his bank accounts closed and his wife should leave just people that just so viciously want to see somebody's life ruined over like a video of them drunkenly like cutting in line at mcdonald's at 3 a.m and then getting into like a fight where they already humiliate themselves yeah and then yeah and just happening to say the last Ching of Chonglin.

Yeah, right.

I still can't believe Joel would do that.

It's like, are people really that vicious?

They're just waiting for an opportunity.

It's like

what everyone who hates police, it's like the same, it's what you think a police officer is.

The guy that's just

begging to use his gun.

You know, I mean,

I guess, yeah, the answer is yes.

Yeah, most of the time.

Everybody is just a cop.

Yeah.

Not me, though.

Not me.

Not me.

I'm a victim of brutality.

That's blue chew.net.

Blutality.

Yeah, that's what every time after you bust inside of a girl,

after taking a Blue Chew,

you say, Blutality.

There's actually, Blue Chew is like a cop.

It was originally.

It's cops.

It was a Blue Lives Man.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah.

It was a bunch of cops who retired and then started their own boner pill company.

Shout out to our guys over in the fourth precinct.

Respecting cops is the gayest type of subculture, though.

Yeah, I agree.

You know, troops is fine.

If you want to support the military, that's fine.

But the guys that are like, just, you know, the cop, my cop family, we back the cops.

I really love copies.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's fucking

weak.

Yeah, it is funny

to be that kind of guy.

But you're just doing it to be contrarian.

Are you?

I think so.

It's because it's just like, well,

Black Lives Don't Matter.

It's actually cops.

But cops literally never.

Cops literally never do they never help actually.

They never do anything.

And you know that because all of their like PR after like, you know, people really hate the cops, it's like, well, meet the one cop that's doing the fucking nay nay with a four-year-old whack kid.

Or like crossing up a kid.

Yeah, he's good at basketball.

Like, well, okay.

His gun in his holster.

Maybe he should be in his job solving a crime.

Yeah.

Maybe you could do that instead.

Right.

could at least be a crossing guard.

Yeah.

Why aren't they all just crossing guards?

Crossing guards are great.

Are those cops, though?

That's what I like about New York.

I think those are like old blacks.

New York racially segregates the good cops from the bad cops.

I mean, it's not that they're like good cops, but like

the Bangladeshi guys with the clothes that don't fit.

Those guys are all parking guards.

They are like parking enforcement or crossing guards or whatever.

It's like a different, it's a whole different type of cop.

And then they have.

They're dickheads in their own right, but they're not evil.

They are dickheads when you're right there about to move your car.

They're tax men.

It's too late.

They're tax men.

They're random tax men.

New York has all of these randomly assigned taxes that everybody has to pay through parking tickets or,

you know, fucking.

During COVID, they stopped doing alternate side parking.

It was Bonanza.

It was really the coolest six months of living in the city.

Yeah.

You could park anywhere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was like you're a diplomat or something.

Bonanza and pajamas.

Bonanza and pajamas.

How about that?

Yeah.

That's what they should call Blue Shoes, Shoes, Bananas and Pajamas.

Naming it after Blue Schlues.

It should be named after Bananas and Pajamas.

Now we're talking.

Adam has to do something on his phone.

No, I'm looking up a headline that we need to discuss.

What headline?

Oh, it looks like

charismatic billionaire Elon Musk is buying Twitter.com.

Honestly, that would be good.

Because it's like the feel, like, oh, you know, you got all these

people who were cheating.

Like, if he just went on there and just started banning fucking...

or if he just ruined it, if Twitter needs to be shut down, Twitter should just be shut down.

He should spend $50 billion and end it.

Yeah.

No, I mean, honestly, yes, that's what he should do.

That would rule.

Yeah.

I mean, people.

Or he should shadow ban literally everyone so that nobody realizes your tweets are just like they're getting randomly deleted or fucking

demonstrating.

There's certain people would absolutely lose their minds if that happened.

Yeah, certain socialists,

certain

socialismo comedia, Tanzo.

Yeah, I mean, that's such a...

Oh, God.

People make it into such a big deal, you know, and it's just, it does not matter.

What, Twitter?

Yeah.

Yeah, it really doesn't.

I mean, once you get off, like, social media, it's like,

oh, yeah, there's this, there's a real life underneath all of this that I've just...

been blind to, that I had access to the whole time, that I lived for the majority of my life.

That like I

willingly imprisoned myself.

Yeah, you go to the movies, you see whatever piece of shit they made.

Yeah.

You know, you go to the bottom.

And then it doesn't affect your life at all.

And it means nothing.

You don't have to get mad about it.

Right.

You can just go see a bad movie.

Yeah, they can do it because that's what's in the theater.

You go to McDonald's with your friends.

You go to McDonald's afterwards.

Maybe smoke some weed in the park, you know.

Yeah.

Play checkers.

But then where will I put my memes?

Where will my memes go?

It doesn't matter, dude.

What about my meme?

What about my memes?

It doesn't matter.

What about my video in my I made where I put

I made I put my head on the bitch from Fried Green Tomatoes?

You know what I'm saying?

Where do I put that?

From

Little Green Footballs?

Yeah.

Who was in that movie?

I don't know.

Was it about the South?

Probably.

Fried Green Tomatoes taste really good.

I like them.

Stella Marcus, I think is the woman's name.

Is that her name?

Stella Marcus.

Oh, yeah.

She's a good lady.

Yeah, Janice Sabalba.

I think is the actress's name.

I think her name was Janice Sabalba.

Yeah, I believe that was it.

It's nice because you get to a certain point where joke writing is just

Star Wars episode one reference.

Just turning your brain off.

That's how bad comedy has been.

You can just be like,

what's this guy's name?

Hank?

DeLonzo?

What is this?

Hank.

Yeah, I think this guy's name is Domino's Pizza.

That's good, dude.

That's good to see you.

Like, you think it's bad, but it be really good.

You got something good.

That is good.

That is pretty good.

Hey, Raleigh.

Mid-May, I think, sometime.

Yeah, go see Nick.

Mid-May or June or something.

Buy my shirts.

You're doing that thing that we got emailed about, huh?

What thing?

Yeah, the movie.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not doing it.

Why aren't you doing it?

I don't want to do that.

Come on, be fine.

No, no, no.

It's just one day.

Yeah, exactly.

But I'll be busy, actually.

I have to go to a funeral.

How do you know the person's going to be dead

in three weeks' time?

Who's Stav?

No, the funeral.

It's Stav's funeral?

Stav's funeral was that weekend.

I'm missing Stav's funeral, so I can say one line in a movie.

Wow.

Shameful.

It's pretty fucked up of me.

Well, Jamel, thanks for joining us.

That is an hour, which is all you were promised and all you should expect out of the Come Town.

Shout out to Sebulba.

To be quite honest with you, this weekend's episode, a lot of fun.

We had a lot of fun, Nick.

Nick Roscheford's on the show.

You can go to Patreon.

I almost called him Nick Chandralay.

Nick Chandralevy.

I just thought, yeah.

The Chandralevy.

I always thought that would be a good name for a plantation.

Like a southern.

Welcome to Chandra Levy.

That's pretty good.

And it's just slaves everywhere.

It's kind of, you know, like a Django sort of vibe.

But they're really welcome.

Gentlemen, welcome to Chandra Chandra Levie.

Oh, that's pretty good.

Yeah, and it's a plantation.

All right.

Well, thanks for joining us.

Jamel, you got anything you want to plug?

Yeah, I got all the shit.

It's Broccoli House on Instagram.

Airbuds.

I got a little basketball show.

It's called Airbuds.

And I got a football show, too.

Called Sorry, we love football.

Yeah.

No, we're just saying, if you don't know, the premium episodes, patreon.com slash come town.

There's now probably close to 300 episodes on there.

If for whatever reason you're one of these

people that are like, I just started listening to the show.

That I really don't understand.

I think it keeps

going up.

But I assume that new people are getting into it all the time.

Back in the day when we were young men, this was

more fun to do.

Passion.

Yeah.

You know, we'd had characters and things we want to talk about.

Now we just have families to feed.

Now I just want to go to Bruges.

I just want to.

In Belgium?

Yeah.

I thought by now I'd be at this point in my life I'd be living in the fucking Eiffel Tower making cheese with an orphan boy.

You know?

A couple more years of Dominican Garfield and you're going to get there, dog.

What's Dominican Garfield?

Be like, I.

Hey, Ode.

Hey, Ode, you come in my lasagna assault.

You wear all the lasagna assaults.

Horay.

You know, right?

I am this.

I am this.

I fucking hate Mondes.

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