Ep. 295 – clapo cheeks house

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2016.

Where it's like, what's the Trump presidency going to be like?

You should get the audio from that show, Mansors, on Spike TV.

Before

Adam forced me to kick the

power correctly.

Yeah, I'm really sorry about that.

I'm sorry about that.

Well, you were pissing me off.

You've done a couple faux pas.

You pissed me off.

Well, I said.

I was just

third week in January, but to the fans who we care deeply about,

we're not pre-recording a bunch of episodes again.

We've had some sponsors drop out.

So we're the CEO of Thursday Boots.

I'm just going to tell you the facts.

I'm not saying anything about causality.

Wait, that's the one we lost because we did that extended read about raping children in their factories.

I thought it was a Holocaust.

It was a combination of the two.

But we were in talks to renew for this year.

Three weeks ago, the CEO gets the booster shot.

Oh,

and he goes

completely.

He was beaten to death by his boyfriend in a domestic violence.

You guys do with that information what you want.

We're just putting it out there.

I'm just telling you what the facts are.

We never said the word method.

I never said anything about causality.

I'm just asking.

I'm not even asking questions.

Yeah.

Well, I'm pissed off at Adam because we have our good friend Felix here as a guest.

And I said, Adam, why don't you sit on the camping chair and let Felix have the big chair?

He's got his shoes off, his hands and his pants.

My hands and my sweater.

He quietly talked Felix into sitting in the chair.

He was like, let me get you a chair, Felix.

Every time we've had a guest thus far,

is this a chair?

No, that's the new chair.

That is the new chair that I bought for Nick to replace the one I should have.

Was it this same type of chair?

It was the same type of chair.

It was the same exact type.

No, no, this one's a little bit more padded than the one.

Oh, okay.

Then I probably won't shoot.

Like, that's usually.

Let's AP fact check whether this one's a little bit more padded.

It is.

I feel it's comfortable.

Like, I don't feel like this was pawned off.

You don't need to be a diplomat.

Listen to the man.

Nick, listen to the man.

Listen to the man.

Stop leading the witness.

Stop leading the witness.

I'm just saying, our guest is over here.

He's alert.

He's kind of fucking upright.

This man, you are lounging.

You're the most comfortable man in this room.

I don't need this chair.

I can sit over there.

I was placed on this chair.

No.

Pulling threads on this side.

I've been placed on this chair.

And look, pulling threads on the street.

Normally, it's fine.

Enjoy the chair.

I like to see you comfortable, but I like to see our guests more comfortable than you.

We want you to be comfortable.

We just want you to be self-aware of the discomfort you cause everyone in your life.

I am to some extent.

To a certain extent.

And look, me and Nick always sit on the couch.

I'm happy being on the couch, too.

I've been placed on this chair.

No one.

I was on the box.

I was on the camping chair.

I pooped the camping chair.

Yes.

I was on the box for a while as a punishment.

Yeah.

I did my time.

Listen, guys.

And you're a change, man.

This is not, it has nothing to do with our normal seating arrangements.

But when a guest is here, I think it would be nice to give them the big chair.

That's all I'm saying.

For the future.

We're probably going to be here.

We didn't have any of the other guests sit here.

When Ian was here, when

GAPS was...

When Ian brought that bicycle with the weird seat to sit on.

Yeah.

It was that going up and down the double dairy.

Well, I guess it's because

you set it up preemptively.

You know?

You must have.

Oh, I must have.

You were aware.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let's run the tape on that.

Let's run it.

Well, there is none.

It's a race.

That's neither here nor there.

What's done is done.

Felix is in the camping chair, and we're very happy to have you, buddy.

We're happy to have you.

It's been, I think this is the first one since the pandemic.

Wow.

The first one I

think so.

I think it's a good one.

Yeah, no, because we didn't do any like in 2020.

We did one in a different was it in your apartment, Adam, the last time we had Felix on?

I don't remember, no.

It's been too long.

It's definitely.

Yeah.

It was a different place, wherever it was.

I don't remember The Jackie Chandemic.

Okay,

I love you.

That could be construed as being anti-Chinese.

I just panic because Felix's shit is not recording.

Oh, it isn't?

Well,

the master track is recording, and that's the one that gets used anyway.

Okay.

But this one, in case.

So just be very careful to not say the N-word.

That's fine.

Because it's very difficult to strip it from

the master.

No,

different rules than regular Chabo.

Yeah, on Chabo, it's interesting because I just did an episode, and that's how they warm up, is they all say it like

the sound of music.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they never say it on the episode, which they get out of their system.

Yeah.

But we went over an hour, and I could see Will shaking because he really wanted to say it.

Yeah.

Will's Parkinson's.

I mean, there are a lot of secrets to the show, but it is, I mean, it's a Parkinson's show.

We all met.

Did you all have Parkinson's?

Yeah, we all met in Parkinson's rehab.

That's sick.

You beat it?

I did.

I mean, you'd see that Will's relapsing.

He's just, you know,

he likes going back to get Parkinson's for the attention.

But I don't really feel that way.

Like, I'm having you guys edit out when I say I have Parkinson's sometimes.

This is definitely getting edited.

Yeah, check the time set up on the.

And so you're saying Michael J.

Fox, he's an addict.

He was an addict, yeah.

Is he dead?

He died, yeah.

Really?

Yeah,

he passed away.

I didn't know that.

Like five years ago, I think, right?

It was one of those things where it's like,

just real quick, Michael J.

Fox.

Yeah, yeah, just absolutely.

Yeah.

Thanks for sneaking that in there.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I'm wondering, if two people have Parkinson's,

if you're fucking a girl and you both have Parkinson's,

and you're shaking, that must feel good on her clit.

I don't know.

It's like a vibration.

I haven't tested it personally.

It's something to think about.

I'm sure at some point, based on family medical history,

I will be able to try that out.

I think I'll let you know.

Let me know when you get to that.

That is not funny.

That's not cool.

I'm mad now.

You're mad at me, though.

I'm mad at me.

You're just looking for a reason to.

I think it's like,

you know, it's like when a Southpaw fights an Orthodox fighter.

Yes.

I don't know about fights a lot.

Well, like, it's like a pitcher.

It's like a left-handed pitcher versus a right-handed batter.

Like, that's what you want.

Of course.

It's the best matchup.

It's Parkinson's, non-Parkinson's.

Right.

Because, like, what do girls like the most?

They like, like, just

short.

Short, like, omnidirectional, shitty, like pumps like yeah really eight per second yeah

of course yeah but if you both have it you sink up and she's not feeling she's not feeling the point of that which is the friction right right right that's true it cancels out two shaky motherfuckers cancel out that's true only if they're on the same wavelength that's true if they're on a different one then they're extra shaky that's the whole problem though they're only on the safe wavelength when they're twins

it's the only time that happens so okay so twins can't fuck each other.

Not everyone else with Parkinson's.

Venus is different for people with Parkinson's.

Venus and Serena Williams, God forbid they ever get Parkinson's.

They're not twins.

Twins.

Venus is older.

Venus is older.

I thought they were twins.

No, they're just both black.

Whoa.

Are they?

Adam.

I thought they were planets.

That's why Nick was saying that racistly.

I've never said anything racist.

You thought that Tia and Tamara and the smart guy were all

triplets.

Triplets, but they're

waiting.

Who's the smart guy?

Taj Marrow or Maori or Maury.

What the fuck are you even talking about?

I don't even know what you thought, but who's Tia and Tamara have a younger brother who was in the show smart?

Roger?

No, not Roger.

Not Roger.

Roger, who got raped, right?

Didn't he get molested?

That was a little Bow Wow.

Oh.

On the set of Tokyo Drift.

The best rumor, the best post-9-11 rumor after the dancing is rallies was

that

Bow Wow was being raped at the Twid Towers.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, just of that era.

It was like, I think it was based off of nothing that his bodyguard raped him.

Yeah, well, I remember that.

Which I believed wholeheartedly.

I believed until this moment.

I thought that was fact.

No, it was some guy like you or me.

Some like, you know.

Who just said it.

Yeah.

Some hero.

Yeah, yeah.

Somewhere in the context.

Came up with a really good job.

Didn't B2K get molested by somebody?

Because we know all about white boy band molester or Lou Perlman, but there's got to be a black Lou Perlman somewhere.

Eric Adams.

Eric Adams molested B2K.

Ty who

is.

I guess he was a cop.

He could have just arrested their tour bus and then fucked them all.

And what were they going to do?

Nothing.

There's nothing they could do legally.

I'm mad we never got that John Madden bus.

Although there might be a chance to get the actual John Madden bus.

Yeah, he's dead.

Show some respect.

John Madden insists on being buried in the bus.

That would be like a fucking like King Tut.

That's his fucking pyramid is the bus.

He fills it with fucking other play.

Al Michaels has to do play-by-play.

He's encased alive doing play-by-play while John Madden does color.

That would be sick, dude.

And they're still putting his name on the games.

That's a little weird.

It's a state.

It makes them sick.

After he's dead.

Yeah, it's a ghost game.

Yeah.

No, it's sort of like a nightmare before Christmas.

It's like Luigi's Mansion.

It makes you wonder if there's going to be songs in the new one.

Really?

You're wondering that?

Yeah, it was his Halloween.

Makes you wonder if

folks, you go a little something like this.

You kind of wonder,

what is this going to be like?

The freaking Nightmare Before Christmas with John Madden?

Just me at the stand in a week.

Yeah.

Sometimes I wish that John Madden was calling play-by-play on Tinder dates.

Yeah.

Oh, we got a stinky pussy right there.

Right on that one.

Not Chinese enough.

There's a valley.

There's a valley you want to be in.

Click over to Chinese, but then there's a weird toothy kind.

The freckle toothy kind you know what i mean

before it comes back to the good stuff

yeah dude that's good that's a good chunk john madden yeah john madden halloween and tinder dates chunk that's a funny word isn't it folks

everyone's being really nice about him dying of course

he was like a joke i thought everyone made fun of him what

I'm not I'm not you're pissing me off for real on bad TV they made fun of him I was joking about him.

Everyone said that he was so boring.

I was joking about the chair.

I'm sad he died.

What you're saying right now is fucked up, and I'm pissed off at you.

I'm just saying that people didn't celebrate him in his life like they should have in his death.

He was the best.

Just like you and Kobe Bryant.

You eulogize a man that you despise.

Look, but when he was alive, it was fun to hate on him.

You loved him dead.

You love him dead.

I do.

I don't love him dead.

I wish he was alive.

But he's dead.

And you're loving him.

He's one of the greatest.

Hey, Hey, how are you doing?

I'm John Kratom.

Ah, fuck.

I'm not saying we should have.

I can't believe this shit's legal.

Why don't you save that for about three minutes?

Selling Kratom?

There's so much you can do with that one.

Oh,

that's a little fucking preview, folks.

You might be hearing from John Kratom in a couple minutes.

The possibilities for that one are endless.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, damn, Felix.

What's up, man?

What'd you have for breakfast today?

Let's do a day in the life, Felix, breakfast.

Go.

Because

I had a fucking Gawad bacon, egg, and cheese.

We had sandwiches.

What did you have?

I had two pieces of toast and an espresso pot.

Classic.

Two toasts.

Just a little butter.

Very, very

Philip Marlowe.

That's fucking sick.

That's like an efficiency, 1940s efficiency apartment breakfast.

You got to smoke a cigarette with that, too.

Smoke a pipe, do your chest problems, have your two pieces of toast, take a look at the globe, and just say, damn.

Yeah.

I like, yeah, no, it doesn't matter how

embarrassing or fruity your lifestyle is.

It doesn't matter if you have three monitors.

As long as you do that, you roll out of your Murphy bed.

You have your toast and cigarettes.

It doesn't matter if you're using an espresso, like one of those devices that was made just for MILFs.

Yeah, of course.

You just get in that two pieces of toast.

Oh,

it's gotta be gay.

Yeah, it is.

It is noir.

To be a private detective now.

Oh, my God.

Because you, like, wake up and you smoke a cigarette and then you look out the blinds and then you just Google.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just look at someone's Twitter.

Yeah.

Yeah, their Instagram.

Yep.

You never run into like some sexy, evil woman on LinkedIn and

to spend a day trolling through some dumb Indian bitch's tweets.

Makes me miss the war.

At least then you could feel the bullets whizzing past your head.

Now the years go by.

I will

go ahead.

No, no, I just wanted to talk more about

how cool the evil evil noir women were.

I love watching noirs because it's like

the whole job is not getting pussy from insane bitches.

And I would have failed spectacularly.

I would have fucked every single daffy.

Well, it's not to not get pussy, it's to recognize that you get the pussy, but they're they're also trying to get something out of you.

Right.

So you never give it to them.

Yes.

You got to smack them up a little.

The end of every noir book is, and I still hit.

Yeah.

But I still hit, bitch.

Noir guys were probably the only people allowed to get pussy in like the 1910s, 1920s.

Or I guess 40s.

What do you mean allowed to get pussy?

Well, like, that wasn't a lifestyle, right?

Like, people weren't really getting a lifestyle.

No, yeah, I think people were getting a lot of people.

In the 30s, people were getting pussy.

Oh, absolutely.

I thought everyone was a family man in the 30s.

What are you talking about?

People had to be listening even in colonial times.

Yeah, interesting.

This is the way they write about it is like, and

I spent Morrow with Esther's wonderful flower.

Her cunning.

Yeah, yeah, her cunning.

Meanwhile, it's like their fingers in the ass.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

You don't got anything flappers or getting fucked?

Imagine you go on a date with a bitch in

1780, right?

Okay, I'm listening.

You get back to her place, it takes four and a half hours for the both of you to get undressed.

Right.

It's like, what are you going to do?

Just steal a couple of smooches and hit the bricks?

No.

I don't think so, pal.

You're raping that lady.

Like, stop.

Yeah.

Think about this.

Like,

if people take all these podcasts and, like, your posts and, like, like, like, your stand-up, your body of work, like, 100 years after you die, and they write about your life using, like, primary and secondary sources.

Sure.

Or, like, for any of this.

I don't want to.

No, no, either way, yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

They're going to be like, wow, people back then were 380 pounds and 5'4.

Okay.

275 and 5'7.

Thank you very much.

Back in the day,

everyone was bald and toothless and three months.

I have hair and I have all my teeth.

You're not getting pussy.

And I am getting pussy.

Thank you very much.

They wouldn't think to like make a note.

of, oh, someone you fucked three times over two weeks.

Right, right.

You just, the last thing you said to each other was, oh, I'm thinking about going to the parquet court show.

And then you forget to reply and you're like, oh, I would look stupid if I replied three days later.

It makes you wonder.

It's like probably everyone in the middle ages was like a, they were like 6'2 and they were fine.

But then there was just like three or four guys that are like, can you believe this shit?

Yeah.

Look how fucking gay I am.

I got no teeth.

I don't know how to read.

And people are like, wow, this is the guy.

I guess I just thought everyone got married in the 40s.

They all were wearing suits, but you're right.

I guess what it was, it wasn't respected or they were thought of as like the dregs of society to get pussy.

Some people.

And then I guess you cheated.

You cheated on your wife relentlessly.

Well, yeah, it was like skipping.

Especially in the 50s.

That's why you got a secretary.

It was like skipping town.

Like, you know, if you got arrested for any crime back then, you're just the dumbest piece of shit in the world.

And if you couldn't get a job, even dumber.

Because you could just go to a new town and say you're a doctor.

Yeah.

Do that forever.

Yeah, that's sick.

Keep cheating the same way.

Like no one can go to your Facebook.

But like everyone did it, but it's just like they're not gonna,

you know, like.

Yeah, what's your wife going to do?

Use the car she's not allowed to drive to follow you into the city

on your lunch.

You could go 10 miles and just fuck a woman that would never interact with anyone you know.

Yeah, absolutely.

That's so awesome.

That'd be like a different game.

Yeah, like all these airline pilots pretending they're quitting because of the vaccine mandate.

The reality is, is like the Me Too movement did more damage than the airline.

They're like, what?

I'm just not supposed to fuck some Thai bitch while I'm at work.

Getting bins.

Oh, man.

Pilots, really.

That's like fucking an alien.

If you lived in New York, you fucked someone in fucking Kansas.

Yeah, everyone respected a pilot.

And everyone respected pilots.

They were probably, they were getting so much fucking gashola.

The best thing is,

you know, like when we're all gone, the thing they're going to use to write about our lives, because they will write about us.

That's so funny.

Because we're on the right side of history.

Yeah, on the right side of history, we support the science and all that shit.

The primary source they're going to use is like the longest and

most mutually wrong arguments you've had with girls over text.

The shit where it's like, oh, well, I didn't seem excited, Maybe because I woke up early so I could see you.

It's like pages, like gigabytes of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And back then, you couldn't, like,

you know, it cost actual money to send a letter.

Not now.

Everything was off.

I see what you're saying.

Everything was off the record.

Yeah.

Like, you wouldn't.

I think.

We have no proof of them getting pussy, but they were getting pussy.

You would have to love fighting with women so much to do it over the recording.

Telegram.

You're right.

you fucking dumb bitch did

fuck you bitch

would you would you do i think i might do it i'd be doing some letters yeah i'd be writing some letters i hate fighting really i really do i have trouble picturing you doing it a lot

huh i have trouble picturing you doing it a lot i don't like to fight yeah well no you do fight but you fight

honestly i'd like i think about relationships i've had where it's like there's there's two kinds of ways people fight there's people that like grew up in those quiet dinner households where everyone's mad at each other.

Right.

And they do that, like,

I just don't know what to do.

Like, that kind of bullshit.

I got to drink my money.

Which is awful.

And then there's the kind that's like...

gives your life vitality that's fine.

That's like, who the fuck is this bitch on your phone?

Right, right.

And you're like, some bitch, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The fuck.

Yeah.

And that is easy to deal with.

Very easy.

In fact,

it helps things.

Right.

Because people say what they mean.

Sure.

Rather than privately retiring into these feelings that they think have way more emotional depth than they do.

Right, right.

Because no, you're just spiraling.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess I also haven't been in that many serious relationships where like, you know.

And I say this with authority as someone that has had numerous types of failed relationships.

Right, right, right.

That all fail for the same reason.

Yeah.

But my inability to handle it in different ways.

Yeah.

Stop.

Yes.

You don't even...

This is the biggest tip I can give you.

Please.

I'm not.

Here comes the big tip.

Yeah.

In you.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I don't have it says.

He's having sex.

Yeah, I get it.

I got a pretty big tip, actually.

Michael Gaskin on that.

Michael Gay sex.

But I'm listening, Felix.

I'm trying to get life advice from my friend Felix.

I know.

I was just getting.

Getting money there.

Doing my job.

No, if there's an opening, he has to take it.

Of course.

You don't like, look, you don't have to be in a committed relationship to fear to fight.

Like, you can do it with pretty much any woman.

And you should.

That's true.

Like, I'm not, I've given up.

That's the whole point of bureaucracy.

So regular citizens can go in somewhere and for two hours be in a relationship with a large black woman.

You go to the post office, you say, well, the fucking tracking thing said it was here.

She's behind nine panes of bulletproof glass eating a fucking Popeye's box.

I guess I like why I look forward and it ain't here.

Yeah.

It ain't.

I don't know what to tell you.

I've streamlined all my relationships where.

Well, real quick, though, sorry, but oh, yeah, it's John Kratom.

John Kratomiosa.

What I want, fucking.

That's Rip Torn now.

It's my flawless Rip Torn.

It's actually just

Tim Dylan doing

when I want kratom.

Super speciosa raw leaf.

Pure kratom engineered by nature.

Wow.

Wow, engineered by nature.

Yeah, so it's not a lably kratom.

That's awesome.

It came from a bat, pussy.

This is, oh, yeah, this is the best kind of shattered pangolin.

GMP qualified vendor.

Our kratom meets American Kratom Association standards for good manufacturing practices.

And you know that's a very strict governing body.

Made by nature, perfected by us.

Well, hold on a second.

That's pretty encouraging.

Hold on a second.

It sounds nice.

Just like cigarettes, our kratom is made originally from a plant.

No, it doesn't sound.

That would be awesome.

Just like the powerful cocaina plant in the jungles of Colombia, our kratom is originally grown by what

will be described in the future as slaves.

Since 2016, we've been perfecting but not right now to be clear certifiably reliable ways to bring you kratom as it was intended unaltered untouched uncompromised

um and you know that's true because it tastes like shit that's right it does taste like that you feel like you are eating dirt like you're eating yeah nature and but luckily they have capsules also so if you're not into the dirt thing i'm always kind of a dirt guy you know i've never been that like let's put the mushrooms into something else kind of thing oh i love it i dude in la i had mushrooms i put them in the middle of this like cream-filled donut.

It's awesome.

I just eat them.

I had a fucking

cup of coffee, and then I had my lunch.

But

yeah, super speciosa.

I had an eighth of mushrooms in a donut.

Some plano place in Eagle Rock that Jamel told me about, and they were really good.

But what I love even more than that is super speciosa.

I just found a cool thing on their website.

Stop, you might like this.

It's an article called Kratom Craves Breakfast Recipe Edition.

So these are Kratom.

Yeah, these are

a little Kratom on your toast.

So the first recipe is Kratom overnight oats.

That sounds nice.

And then they got a Kratom acai bowl.

These are for the athletes out there.

They have recipes on their website.

Kratom protein pancakes.

They got recipes, yeah.

Full recipes.

I know they listen to these ad reads, and I don't know how much overhead it would incur, but you should really send those recipes out.

They should sell a book.

Right.

But there should be like a.

They should do a sample recipe that comes with an order or whatever.

They should give us Kratom pancakes to eat on live on air.

I don't know about those just because the protein pancakes are fucking...

That's the biggest mistake.

What a fry.

Are they not good?

They're not good at all, dude.

Every two years, I like buy some

because I forget.

There's the one with the bear on the box.

That's the worst one.

It is the worst one.

A bear would never eat those.

Even the box itself looks inedible.

And I know that you can say that about a lot of boxes, but

if you were to eat boxes.

Oh, so you're not even saying the vibes, the box puts it.

Yeah, it's like you're saying the physical box

looks like you don't want to eat it.

Right.

Interesting.

But it's not true with super speciosis.

It's not true at all.

And when I said I don't know about the pancakes, I meant I do know about the pancakes, and they're some of the best pancakes I've ever had.

I felt like I was at IHOP sitting down with my good friends Bob Evans and Louis Simmons from Westside Barbell.

And we were getting fucked up on Kratom with John Madden, who can't stop talking about the nightmare before Chris

because he's dead.

Adam, do you have something you want to read?

Yes.

Or, I mean, remember and say of your own volition.

Yeah, something I want to remember is that the URL is get superlead.com slash come town.

And the promo code is Cometown.

Really?

Yeah.

That's really cool.

I think it's a good idea, like, if you have a family, like, if I have, in the next few years, I have kids, this is something I'll do.

I'll be making them, by around the time they're five, around the time I get them the boosters and stuff.

I will be, like, making them create them acai bowls and pancakes and stuff.

Not protein pancakes.

Is it acai?

It's acai or a.

A sai?

You know what?

You can just say whatever.

It's like, like, no one, no one knows.

And what is it?

It's a berry?

It's a berry.

A berry that gives you energy?

Yeah, it, like, helps you recover after you work out anecdotally.

Yeah, it does anyway.

Are you still working out?

Do you have a gym again?

Yeah, you're an equal.

I'm just wearing a baggy shirt, but I'm going to the gym a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, you look awesome.

Thank you.

I'm honestly fighting.

I'm salivating.

I'm trying to suck you off.

All right, so there's some, I just wanted to remember some mandatory benefits that we have to reference.

And that's that super specially.

You just add it off the top of your head because you love them so much.

Just spitting this off the top of the dome.

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Also, I saw on their website, this is kind of cool.

They got a

homepage, by the way.

They have an article that says how to buy Kratom with an ACH, ACH e-check.

So basically,

what you do is you put in your routing.

I can't have a debit card.

Yeah, you put in your routing and your account number.

Wow.

And then...

And people say Obama did nothing for us.

Yeah.

And that's huge.

You want to give everybody ACH checks to buy Kratom with.

And you could also buy with cryptocurrencies.

That's awesome.

What the fuck are these ape thing?

I can't keep

JPEGs that people buy as NFTs that are getting stolen.

It's awesome that they're getting stolen.

People have them in their crypto wallets and then they're here.

That is funny.

I thought that joke.

I spent $80,000 on this ape cartoon.

No, there's no joke.

These people think that these things are actually good.

It's really funny.

It's a pyramid scheme.

And people are getting their shit stolen from their wallets somehow.

You know, I wasn't going to just from the hip say NFTs are bad because I don't understand them.

I don't understand the argument about them using too many computers.

I don't know what that means.

I don't either.

But they look so gay that I just am running with it.

When I published Chinese Barney for a modest $2,500

and received zero takers, I thought this community is poison.

Honestly, it's toxic.

You need to plug Chinese Barney on the show.

I'm sure you can get $2,500.

I don't even know.

I don't know how it actually.

I learned enough to make the thing and put it on the website.

Nick is selling Chinese Barney right now, guys, for free Ethereum.

I don't know how to collect the money.

But you've got to get it on.

I think there's like a crypto wallet?

I have that.

There's an exchange.

Isn't it like linked to the thing?

To the marketplace?

Yeah, do you put it on like OpenC?

Open C is

literally, I took an hour to figure out how to turn Chinese Barney into.

People didn't know that it was comedy genius Nick Mullen.

They thought it was just a racist.

I think it's Bonney.

They just thought it was a regular racist thing.

This is a struggle.

The regular racist that likes baby shows.

The Jimmy Fallon paradox, where it's like, nobody will accept me as a serious artist.

I think it's got to be a joke.

And it's like, no, what if Barney was a Chinese fella?

That's so fucking funny.

Can you imagine?

Well, a Chinese dinosaur.

Who is a Chinese dinosaur?

But also,

he's still Barney.

Right.

And you can't say it's racist because...

You could.

No, you can't.

Because what is racism?

I think in this case.

First of all, you have to be able to answer that question.

In this case, the eyes is what makes it racist.

But this is he's a dinosaur right so he's existing for

chinese people so he happens to have eyes that a chinese guy would have and because of the limits of our language there's no other way to it's that's what a t-rex right they call him the king of the dinosaurs yeah am i supposed to believe that's actually a king that they've got a society right

No, of course not.

No.

So you would understand as a rational, functioning adult that's not, you know, say this racist, that's racist, this racist.

You'd say, okay, it's a dinosaur that happens to look Chinese.

And furthermore, he's working with children who can't understand

things outside of that lens.

Right.

The easiest thing to tell them is like, look, don't worry about it.

At this stage in your life, you have to just believe he's some, you know, rice paddy, bug tooth, you know, gobbledygook fella.

Okay.

Well, I think that's when we really start getting into the racist.

But no, when you're older, we explain that it's just a way for me to make money off cryptocurrency.

I think superspeciosa.com.

I really, I think you could make like

the promo code.

I do, I do.

Promo code Come Town.

Come Town for 20% off.

What were you saying, Felix?

I think Nick could legitimately make like a five-figure amount off that.

Like if he's plugged it

in.

Yeah, no,

there's some fucking moron that'll buy a fucking Cometown NFT for sure.

Well, what I'm doing is Curious George, but with a big old donk.

I like that.

That's my fungi believe.

It's so funny how the, like, why is it just those fucking stupid monkeys?

Well, it's funny too, because it's all ripped off of like the gorilla's artwork.

Yeah, it really is just shittier versions of that.

That was a good band.

Bomb.

Bomb, bomb bomb, bomb, bomb.

But what did.

Is there actually a legitimate argument as to why NFTs are bad other than it's just gay?

Well, I do think they use some kind of, I don't know.

I think

they look stupid.

Like, culturally, it could be bad because it's the idea with them, right, is that, and this is like a half-understood explanation, so I could be totally wrong.

But the blockchain proves ownership, right?

And the thinking is, you know, I've seen it.

What about the cockchain?

Nice.

That cockchain.

I would like one of those.

I could also do that.

It's like...

My mistress controls my cock.

In the future,

everything will be owned by someone that's linked to a blockchain.

They prove their ownership through the blockchain.

Everything goes by something.

Isn't that just like a slippery slope argument?

It's like, there's no evidence that NFTs are going to,

first of all, not only

be anything more than what they are now, like everything else in crypto that never evolved past

just a dumb money-making scheme, but beyond that, like ever fully encapsulate and make worse the problem of intellectual property to begin with.

Well, the argument for it is that

if profits keep declining, if you keep running out of things to make money off of, you just increase rent-seeking behavior in existing things.

So it's like, you know, okay, we're not inventing anything.

So the new thing is that every JPEG or every GIF, like you can own the GIF of Drake clapping and you make like 0.09 ETH when some like dumb shit posts it.

You're not even thinking about it.

But there's no way to, there's no actual like

there's no like existing infrastructure to do that.

That's just basically slow thing.

Right.

Yeah.

So why the fuck these people are they buying these fucking ugly ass mobiles?

So it's it's like the it's the

sort of just like intellectual implication of NFTs of like what isn't even really possible yet to make that and also just like the electricity usage of like you know Bitcoin farming and all that shit.

But it's I mean it's it's also like everyone everyone does everyone takes a flight where they could have like taken a train for six hours or some shit.

There's an argument to be made that everyone's making like it feels like if one if you're if it falls into that like and yet you use an iPhone probably doing that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyways, now whatever.

So they're they look fucking stupid and only dorks that don't get pussy seem to like them.

Whoa,

they make a lot of money, I guess.

I don't give a fuck, dude.

Because it seems like that would be perfect.

That's why people are in

OnlyFans shit.

If you just NFT your fucking dorks.

I mean, again, it's the same problem with rights management or whatever, because the value in that is the image itself.

Whereas the NFT thing is like no one actually thinks this ape has value, and also it's like it is just like it's not, you're not paying for the privilege to look at it.

Anyone can do that.

Right.

You know what I mean?

You're paying for the privilege of making your profile picture on Twitter.

That's what you were paying for.

I mean, it's just, it seems like another, like, grasping at straws, ways to, like, validate the crypto space as having literally any utility whatsoever.

Right.

And it doesn't.

And it's another.

Because that was the thing with like Ethereum blew up in price.

And it's like, okay, what can you actually use Ethereum for?

Right, because there's no more fucking Silk Road.

Yeah, well, there's crypto kitties.

And it's like, what the fuck is this?

It's fucking Neopets, but it takes nine hours to find out that your cat died.

Yeah, I mean, basically, what will happen with crypto and all this shit is like, just a bunch of rich guys will have stolen more money from dumbasses.

Yeah.

And then it'll just stop existing, probably.

There are three things I think it's like legitimately can be used for, and like, one of them you can't really do anymore.

One of them is like an inflation hedge, which, like, yeah, okay.

Right.

Um,

but that's not really like using it as a currency.

Two is,

you know, like when we did a like fundraiser to like

for shit in Palestine, these three organizations, or two of them were in Palestine.

It's really hard to like send money to people in Palestine.

And I was thinking like, okay, if I should have went through the trouble of doing all this, but then you have the same problem because

they have to

that guy with the beard walking through the rubble and the flies everywhere being like, for the price of a goofy ape number 37.

You can sponsor some sickly malaria fucking child.

Yeah, he's trying to get a child.

They're destroying their ability to reproduce and not have autism.

He's trying to give the Israelis a bored ape so they turn the electricity back on.

But and the third one is, yeah, buying drugs online, which you can't really do anymore.

I do love the art of it being, you know, this whole thing, and the preeminent example of it is a bored ape.

Can you imagine?

It's like a monkey.

Right.

It's stupid and then it's bored, too.

Right.

Yeah.

That is fucking bored.

But it's also a monkey.

Yeah, whatever.

It's fucking gay.

But I don't know.

I mean, I'm only defending it because I got back into buying DVDs.

DVDs are cool.

You can watch them.

I'm worried the people.

Well, you can watch NFTs.

You can watch them.

They're not good.

You can use it as your PFP.

That's pretty cool.

And then other people can copy, paste it, and use it as theirs, and you get pissed off.

I don't think they're actually getting mad, though.

Are they not?

I think it's like a

conscious choice, either like individually or like

all crypto millionaires are just like fucking some

like like uh uh uh like filipino guy that made 800 billion dollars by accident that he can't cash out and then he bought like 19 suits and he's like now i'm a ceo

yeah it's always guys who are like one left turn away from like they'd still be working at Geek Squad.

And now they're like writing books about the optimal workday.

What the fuck, Dean?

Yeah.

But I do think it's like they want to be screenshotted.

They want like, yeah, they, they like want a guy who's still arguing about the 2016 primary to be like, this website's free.

And it's like a guy freaking out, but he's knowingly playing it.

Everyone's scrollingly playing everything out now.

Similar to declining profits,

there's declining attention profits, I guess.

Of course.

Yeah, it's not.

Yeah, I'm with you, dude.

That shit is fucking.

That's why you got to get off the internet and just fucking

smoke some fucking weed.

Watch Michael Mann's The Insider.

Maybe perhaps take a pill to make your dick hard.

Get pussy.

And sometimes the only way to do that is with a pill to make your dick hard.

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Maybe technically.

Technically, I shouldn't even be taking these drugs because it kind of even hurts a little bit because of my foreskin.

Can I say something just between the fellas?

No.

With this, like, oh, like, oh, fuck me, me, heart.

Like, that thing is like, when you actually do like a that kind of sex,

I got 15 to 30 seconds in me.

See, that's where I'm lucky because my heart gives out before anything else.

Really?

Yeah, I need a breather at being fat as shit.

I pound and then I'm like, one second.

Oh,

I literally, actually, literally run that type of sex.

I run out of breath on the bottom.

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I've been

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Then she says something that shows that she watched porn at too formative an age and is asking for something she doesn't actually want.

She's asking to be like punched in the mouth.

Take my dick out because I'm like freaked out.

Then we can go on rock hard and we can go directly into the argument.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you put on Ronin.

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And here's the thing: Blue Chew is a that helps women in an argument because if a man has a Blue Chew erection, all the brain, all the blood isn't at his brain, It's at his dick.

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Yeah, you take the Blue Chew.

You thought it was going to be a nice night.

She starts yelling at you.

And then every time the notification sound on your phone goes off, your dick gets a little bit harder.

She's like, look, you're programmed.

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It's from the Blue Chew.

When you, even if you're alone, even if you're not lucky enough to have a woman to argue with, which, like, you know, God has a plan for you.

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Right, right.

You can, everyone, we all do the same thing, right?

We just type in the names of girls and watch stories on Instagram.

And if it's hot, what do we do?

We spasm our hard cock and our track pants.

Like, it looks like a dog having a nightmare.

Yeah.

We send it to all of them.

You can't do that with a soft dick.

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Do you crop your fat out?

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I don't need to do that.

You can see my penis very well.

No, I mean, crop it out.

No, I should.

Everyone who fucks me knows what they're getting into, Chief.

All right.

That's one of the good things about being unapologetically myself sexually.

You know, I don't have these body hang-ups.

He's doing him.

These whores love this fat ass.

My question was about photography, not psychology.

Yeah, how do you do?

You know what I mean?

So let me go from underneath.

I'm not going to show you, but I'm just going to look at it.

You can't go from underneath.

Why?

That's cheating.

Yeah, it's terrible.

No, it's not.

You can see where God fused everything.

You can see where the body is imperfect and this thing that just sort of forms.

Underneath, you can make it look way bigger than it.

I'll tell you exactly what it was.

I'm holding my dick.

I unzip my jeans.

There's a little pointer on a board.

Walk us through it.

Walk us through.

I'm looking at the picture right now.

And, you know, I have gotten fatter over the holidays.

So it is kind of like a top.

It's painted like a candy cane.

But you can see my stomach.

You get some belly.

You see my stomach.

You even see the fat around my cock.

I'm not gonna hide, I'm you know, whatever.

Well, that's impossible.

You can't hide that if you're a cheater, you just press your hand down.

She's like, looking, she's looking at it.

She's like, Is this a picture of you fucking a woman backwards?

Picture of you putting your dick backwards in the water.

So, I'm wearing some nice jeans, green jeans, and some black underwear from a different sponsor that I'll talk about maybe next episode.

And you know,

I'm just coming over the top.

My dick is hard as hell

and you have it in your hand i have it in my hand a little bit yeah you have a thumb on top i have you know what it's actually just kind of i'm just kind of guiding with my thumb yep yep that's you can that's the optical look yeah you gotta push the pupes down but i had to mash the i had recently push and just trim your pupes i had recently trimmed my pupes so i'm not i don't have what do you mean you don't trim your pup

but you have a phillips uh one blade uh oh no no i lost it get another one they have them in cvs or they're cheap.

You don't trim your fucking pupes, you animal.

Is there like it?

It doesn't matter.

I guess I don't have to.

I have a girlfriend.

Your beard grows real fast, but yeah,

you don't like yourself.

Can I be real with you?

She doesn't like it because it's prickly.

I've heard that.

Not all the way off.

No, you say all the way off.

Even if it's trimmed, even if it's trimmed, you don't do exactly that.

She says that it's prickly.

I got rid of all my shit one time, and the fucking

itchiness and pain when it grows back is unbearable.

Oh my god, yeah, no, it's horrific.

I thought, like, I don't know what I thought.

I thought I was being like courteous by doing it.

No, no one liked it.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

You're trying to be polite, especially.

Yeah, I was

like, I don't know, what if they don't like this?

But then you forget, like, women, like, we don't even send dick pics for it's for us, it's for guys, like, women.

Because it's nice, a girl being like, yum, or whatever.

Right, no, right.

Like, women jack off to it.

No, they just.

Women jack off to like

a memory from 13 years ago of like a mean geometry teacher.

Like, the shit women jack off to is like, they're like, tell me what dress to wear.

And you're like, wear the silver one.

Yeah.

And then it's like they're sexual.

They don't care about

so many women have told me that they don't get horny for my cock at all.

No,

and the problem wasn't taking Blue Chew chewable tablets.

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I shaved my chest and my stomach last year, and then when I gave up on that, the growing back was unbearable.

Yeah,

it's there for a reason.

Like wearing shirts when you have like less body hair than you're supposed to wear, it's just, it's a new feeling of discomfort you didn't know you could have.

It's awful.

God put that there for a reason.

Yep.

Yeah, it's been weird getting back into shaving my face even.

I forgot how fucking uncomfortable it is.

You bringing the beard back, Dawn of the Beard.

I don't know.

We need another pandemic.

I do want to say this.

I also want to mention this, folks.

My dick, hard and unhard, will be in Las Vegas on the 27th through the 29th.

I'll be at Wise Guys.

I'll be in Sacramento the following weekend, the 3rd through the 5th.

And then Houston on the 16th, Austin.

I'm at the Creek in the Cave the 17th through the 19th.

And then I'm in the Addison Improv on the 20th.

San Francisco, Vancouver, St.

Louis, Chicago, fucking Burlington, Vermont, Charlotte, Nashville, Atlanta, Toronto, Providence, the 2022 tour, and then Philly and Washington, the D.C.

Improv to close out the first half of the year.

Going home.

Stavi.biz for tickets.

All the tickets should be up now.

And yeah, buy some tickets, see me on tour.

And the special will be out probably in late February, maybe early March, some shit like that.

So, yeah, folks, come fucking see your boy and buy my calendar as well.

We got the Stavi Baby 2022 calendar.

It's looking gorgeous.

It's not too late.

It's not too late.

When you knock out 11 months, you still need the calendar.

You wake up at 1 p.m.

You can get a calendar as late as March.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And I'll be selling them at the show.

I have some dates coming up,

Chicago.

With what guys?

His name is Chicago.

His name is Chicago.

Chicago and Boston.

Chicago and Boston are going to double team you?

Yeah, the two fellas, Chicago and Boys Town.

That's nice.

You're doing the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago?

Lincoln Lodge in Chicago, but the date might get moved for

Omicron?

Omicron.

When are you going to be there?

I'm there pretty late.

I'm in there in March.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm not going to book anything until

the shit's done.

Because we still,

and apologies if this happened to you, but I don't think they returned most of the money for the Australia tour.

Oh, my God.

What?

They just kept the fucking money.

Wow.

Wow.

Vinny Beetle, if you're listening, we want you to send the money back.

Also, I don't know what happened, but I had a tour lined up in March of 2020 that I had to get canceled.

And I don't know what happened with that ticket money.

Okay,

I'll be there March 11th and 12th then to answer your question.

I think I'm going to be there in February.

Oh, now it's the next show.

Anyway, boys.

Well, last show.

The one before the show.

Last week.

I'll announce it last week.

Yep.

And you just got to have to get that over there.

I do.

I'm excited to go.

I haven't been to Chicago in a while.

I do fuck with your little town there, Philip.

I would love to.

I wish I overlapped with you guys when you were there.

You guys have been doing it a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've missed you guys by a week off.

There's a couple of times.

I've been there.

I don't do shit.

I just have done the shows and I just go back to the hotel.

I think the last

visit the Jussie crime scene last time.

The last time I was there, yeah, I just sat and did my taxes.

Nah.

If I have a good-ass time when I'm

there, if you guys all have shows and I come back,

I'll like make my mom have, like, just open up all the guest lovers

and

we'll have a dinner party with my mom's friends.

I can't wait tonight.

Does she have any slut friends?

We'll do a little southern pool.

I would love to get sucked off by one of your mom's friends.

Dirty whores.

They were born in 1951.

That sounds awesome, dude.

Have you ever seen Pusse before?

My mom's friends, if you were listening to this, I'm not.

They are listening.

They are.

They're definitely listening.

Diane Felix said he shaved his penis.

Remember when we used to do that?

You were curious about fucking the flapper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love the idea of old people only listening to the entertainer.

Yeah.

It's the only thing they listen to.

Get your pussies out, girls.

It's fucking season.

Those were the days.

You know how you like, you were saying, like, it's like anxiety-provoking to book things now?

Yeah.

Our next tour is entirely the South.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Like, if it's already booked.

It doesn't even matter.

So, like, yes, it's open for business.

It's in late.

That's why I want to do a southern tour.

You should.

Nothing's going to close.

Yeah.

Florida, Texas, forget about it.

No one gives a fuck down.

President DeSantis, if you ask me.

It's just a guy drinking kerosene out of a 32-ounce big gulp being like, I ain't taking that vaccine.

I love the idea there are listeners there.

They're still like, they're still our listeners, but they're like, just like, they've never worn anything but overalls.

Yeah.

Toothless bumpkins.

I'm sick of these guys.

I'm sick of these fucking chuds, dude.

Yeah, but they're dressed like that, but they have little circular glasses.

Yeah, that's the only difference.

They're just the DSA guys of like, of like deliverance.

They unionize.

Yeah, we should all get to share the boy pussy we rape.

One of my favorite

one of the times I was getting like dragged on social media is there's some like fat DSA guy in the south that was like, how am I supposed to explain Come Town to my 50-year-old black organizer friend?

It's like, you're not.

Yeah, it was a post that was like,

really?

She was like this 80.

53-year-old black woman had never voted, and I like culture register.

How can I explain this to her?

And it's like, how are you?

She's 83.

Are you going to explain podcasts?

Yeah.

What the fuck are you doing?

Why would she need to know about this?

It's like, how am I going to explain hentai to her?

It's like, yeah.

My mom has 83-year-old friends, and it's like, and then we just tell her, oh, he has a radio show.

Exactly.

The appeal then is like, what he's calling for is for people to just say the show is bad on Twitter.

Right, right.

It's like, you're not calling, you don't want anything.

What do you want that?

That's the call to action.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is people need to say the show is bad.

What a fucking loser.

We do that ourselves.

If you're listening, you're a fucking loser, but the show is bad.

Too many hints.

I forget the guy's name, but I remember he looks exactly like Otto from Beetlejuice.

Nice.

I don't remember what Otto was like.

I'll pull him up.

Glenn Shaddux.

Nice.

That's a cool name.

Glenn Shaddux said bad stuff about your show.

Yeah.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Damn, dude.

Fucking losers.

Why do you...

This guy.

Let me see.

My man.

Oh, he's cute.

Oh, he does look like that.

That's kind of what I was expecting.

That's what I was imagining, but with fake dyed blonde hair for some reason.

I think

this is the year that I do a really shitty bleach blonde job.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Just to

further obscure my age.

It would look funny about it.

I might disagree.

It would look so fucking stupid.

It would look really stupid, but also bad.

I want to do that.

I was honestly thinking about doing it

this year, but I was like, ah, nah, the long hair is enough.

The zoomer.

The hair looks good.

Thanks, man.

Maybe what will happen is if I become a beach bum, if I go to Greece for a long time.

Well, you got to do as soon as you get the little ponytail, get that and then eyeliner.

Hell yeah.

And like a dangly earring.

I'm getting an earring for sure.

You should get some beads in your hair.

Like an white girl that just went to church.

Absolutely.

I'm going to go to Greece for like, I'm going to go to Greece for a month.

I'm going to come back with just dyed blonde hair with fucking beads in it and the fucking earring.

I'm going to look awesome.

I'm going to gonna be so tan i'm gonna be gone at least a month maybe six weeks i'll be in greece this year oh i love i love it dude

sisterhood of the traveling pants yeah literally we should just do a summer i want to go dude we should do a summer

sew down and you guys just come for a week because there's this there's a place near athens that uh george's family goes to that's a cool little town and we could like rent like a fucking mansion i really want to go and just fucking hang for a week yeah yeah we need an Epstein Island.

We could get that.

I would love that.

There's a little island.

One for adult ones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It's like I know.

I know what everyone's thinking.

Yeah.

And it's like, why can't you just fuck them in Brooklyn or Manhattan?

I don't know.

You guys need something to do.

Yeah.

It's a little project.

We build our own little temple.

We get a balloo to fly us in one of those aquatic planes.

I would love a balloo personal pilot.

Yeah, that'd be sick.

Yeah.

Well, join us at at patreon.com/slash

comfort to find out.

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