Ep. 267 – I said yep

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This is unreal.

Holy fucking shit.

Just one I said.

The bright side.

This is the best thing that's ever happened.

No, he's never, he doesn't have a chair anymore.

There's no chair.

Yeah.

Oh my fucking God.

Can you imagine how bad if he was still in the box and he had shit on the chat?

His shit on the box.

He shit on the chair.

Guys, the best thing that's ever happened on this spot.

Okay, so clearly Adam shit himself.

Adam shit himself.

Adam shit himself.

Shit all over the chair.

I had to to get him.

He's wearing hoffers while he's wearing white pants.

That's what makes it even better: is that he's like, I'm going to dress like a painter, and he took precautions.

This is the thing.

If I were to ever wear white linen pants, I wouldn't check the weather report to make sure that people couldn't see my dick if it rained.

Right.

Which is what Adam did to prepare himself

to preempt any kind of embarrassment.

He shit through linen pants.

He shit through linen pants and then shit on the portion.

On the chair.

He squirted.

There's literally a little puddle of diarrhea on the red camper chair that Adam usually sits on.

He shit himself clean through his pants.

Also, Adam, when you get in the shower, there's a jug of soap on the floor.

Adam,

there's soap on the floor.

That jug on the floor is soap.

There's none in the shower.

Clean your ass and hurry.

The podcast has started.

Put your fucking clothes in that trash bag.

I swear to God, if I go in my bathroom and there's shit anywhere,

if there's fucking shit anywhere, I'm going to lose my mind.

I don't know why I don't hear the shower on already.

Yeah, what is he's probably still shitting?

He's probably shitting again.

Also, what the fuck, dude?

It's

complete liquid.

He squirted just shit waters right through.

And how did it make it through?

Clean through your underwear, pants, and almost through the camper chair.

I hate him.

I fucking hate him.

He was like, oh no, oh no, oh no.

You had no warning you were going to shit.

I can't wait to ask him about all this.

Incredible, folks.

Straight up shit himself in white pants.

In white pants.

Which he wouldn't do at home.

No.

He has to do here.

No.

He has to do here while looking at like Rihanna means.

We were all having a good time having lunch.

I was eating my salad.

You were eating your Jack Lynx beef jerky and half of Adam's trail mix.

And all of a sudden, all we hear is, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

And you saw the shit out of his ass?

He was in a chair and so we did shit.

He's holding his ass.

And he's like, no, I didn't shit.

Another classic, that's the thing.

You ask him, you're like, Adam, did you shit yourself?

And he'll go,

no.

I don't think that I did.

And he's making his lying face.

Yeah, yes, yes, the pensive.

The classic.

Yes, I know exactly.

Because he always breathes through his nose.

He goes, and he looks up.

He does, like, he has like the most obvious tails in the world.

Absolutely.

No, I know exactly the face you're talking about.

No, I didn't.

Like, he's trying to solve a math problem.

I don't believe I had sex with that woman.

Well, that's not a lie.

Yeah.

That's not.

That wouldn't be the rare time he wouldn't be lying.

No, I did not fuck that mentally ill woman that's brought a gun to the show.

Adam fucking shit himself out.

It's honestly so awesome.

Adam's the one who shit himself clean through his fucking pants.

Right.

Wearing pants.

Not even wearing shorts, not free balling.

He's got underwear, pants, still shit right through it.

Yeah.

And his shirt, too.

And he's carrying that chair

with him.

That chair is forever sullied.

There's literally shit on it.

I mean, it's disgusting that we have to fucking

work

all the way with him.

It's not going in my trash outside.

No, it's going in his personal trash.

It's going his car.

Yep.

To be taken home and put on the wall.

That's right.

As a reminder of his weak-ass little asshole.

I guess that's what happens when you get your shit blowed out.

Yeah.

You know?

Right.

When you've been sitting on a fire hydrant all day long.

Dude, he's still shitting.

I don't hear the shower.

Adam, are you still shitting?

What are you doing?

I'm putting all this stuff in the trash.

Oh, okay.

He's cleaning up.

He's putting the stuff in the trash.

Remember, it doesn't touch anything but the garbage bag.

Don't forget the most important part.

I don't want my things touched.

You got.

Do you think he dribbled shit on the floor?

Of course.

You can't even manage fucking bringing an ice craffe across the room without spilling it everywhere.

Disgusting.

No, stay in there.

Why are you already wearing a towel?

What do you mean?

I lost my ass.

You were wearing a drink.

Did you get in the shower?

of course i got in the shower we didn't hear you didn't hear the shower running

your hair is dry your hair's dry

i know it doesn't feel good you should shit yourself bro but you're lying about having taken a shower why would i lie about that you think i would shit in my ass Yeah,

why would I lie about that?

Well, here's what I don't understand.

Why did you take a half shower?

Why not just take the full shower to clean my ass up?

Okay, but do that, but then also take the full shower.

In case you accidentally got...

Come on.

What do you mean?

Of course it's embarrassing.

You shit yourself.

But this is your most famous stand-up bit is shitting yourself.

That's true.

I have a bad stomach, you know that.

It's not embarrassing so much as it is

on brand.

You're taking that towel with you, too.

Okay, I will.

In fact, everything from the bathroom is leaving with you.

Oh, yeah, go get him some shorts.

Yeah, I guess I'll get you shorts, but take everything other than my fancy clippers.

Everything out of the bathroom's got to go.

All the books he has there, the magazines, all my magazines, the Q-tips.

Come on, man.

All my copies of Soldier of Fortune and Foreign Affairs are going with you.

Oh, fuck.

I'm going to go find shorts.

Go get shorts for Adam.

Oh,

put your shirt back on.

What's wrong, Adam?

What do you what did you shit?

Come on, go get him some shorts.

What do you mean?

Talk in the microphone.

Yeah, you shit yourself on the chair.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is this feels bad.

It feels really embarrassing.

What did you eat, bro?

I don't know.

What'd you have for breakfast?

Fruit.

Fruit?

Oh, fruit and what else?

Oatmeal?

No.

No.

Yeah, I used the soap.

In the pump.

That's empty.

What are you talking about?

I cleaned my ass.

I trusted that he cleaned his ass.

This feels really bad.

Dude, it's okay.

You shit yourself.

I really.

I'm not saying this for sympathy or anything, but

I kind of want to cry a little bit.

You were wearing white pants, too.

I know.

I just got the white pants.

What the fuck, dude?

What the hell?

What happened?

I haven't shit my pants in like three years.

Well, there we go.

It had to happen now.

It had to happen now.

Which is good.

It's good that it happened this way.

This is just my life.

Yep.

Look, man.

Did you do this in public for fucking ugly people?

Don't break their looks into it.

You shit through your pants.

You know what these people are going to do to me?

They're not going to do anything, man.

They're going to have a good laugh.

They're going to have a good laugh, okay?

Now relax.

Nick's going to get you some shorts.

I should have gone to law school.

You should have gone to law school.

You would have been fine.

But.

Just, please, Nick.

Look, all my shorts are in storage because it's

Nick's getting

Nick's getting his shorts out of

That feels really bad.

Folks, in the meantime, why don't you go to stavi.biz slash tour?

I'm coming at you real soon.

You know, I'm going to be in Poughkeepsie this weekend.

I'm going to be in fucking Connecticut this weekend, the B.J.

Ryan's.

And then I'm going,

starting in the summer, we got fucking Portland, Seattle, Denver, fucking Utah, Salt Lake City.

I just added New Orleans to the mix.

Boston.

It seems to be all I can find.

Cleveland.

Put some khakis.

Nick is handing.

Nick is handing Adam some khakis.

Thank you.

I need to go to a gastroenterologist.

And also buy some tea.

Listen, if you ever shit yourself, go get a t-shirt from Stavi.biz2.

Yeah.

Don't forget to.

God, that's so funny.

Good guy.

This is honest.

I don't know if he's acting, but he seems more pathetic.

Oh, he's acting.

You think so?

He's proud of himself for shooting his pants.

That's the thing about Adam is

he's like a healthy narcissist.

He's a narcissist without any kind of self-loathing.

So he does something like this, and he's like, isn't it cute that I shit myself?

That's so human.

Meanwhile, he'll leave and there's just guard.

He'll forget the chair.

But the most infuriating thing is that he'll also leave his empty iced coffee cup sitting on the floor.

Yep.

Which you would think after.

Which is the culprit.

Yes, of course.

It's the iced coffee that really did it.

How's it feel, man?

How do you feel?

I'm going to put my shoes on and take the chair out.

Yeah, no, no, hold on.

That's not.

There's a guy that comes by who has to make sure the garbage is sorted, and I'm friends with him.

He's like the landlord has him come by.

And

there's not going to be a bag of clothes filled with shit in the garbage.

So

what we're going to do is when you leave, you'll take the chair and the clothes.

I don't have a chair anymore.

You don't have a chair?

But listen, that's your fault.

It is my fault, Jim.

How about this?

Where's the box?

Return to the box.

You can take the chair with you and then bring it back and you can sit in the chair when you get it.

As a reminder.

As a reminder.

I'm really embarrassed right now.

No, you're not.

I genuinely am by.

But to get this, you got a free pair of pants out of it.

Because I'm certainly not taking those back.

Yeah, they look good on you, honestly.

I didn't realize you and Nick were the same size.

It's kind of nice.

Get the box, Adam.

Time to return to the box.

Well, you can sit in the chair for now.

Just take one of those old newspapers.

No, leave that there.

Take one of the old newspapers, put it down.

You can sit on the.

Just put the

newspaper down.

Look, the old newspapers are right next to it.

We're going to get through this, but put like three or four

newspapers in there.

What is this?

The Financial Times?

The Financial Times of London.

You're a socialist.

There's in there, dude.

There's more open already.

I know.

I'm opening one.

All right.

Fuck, man.

This feels really bad.

No, it doesn't.

No, I'm being serious right now.

I'm not doing a bit.

It's okay, Adam.

Everybody shits theirselves.

I mean.

Just look.

We need you to rally.

No one shits themselves on the radio.

You didn't.

It was right before, but we had a good time laughing.

That's not true.

That's not true at all.

A lot of people shit.

George Norrie famously shit himself in 1994 while doing a broadcast with Bob Lazar.

You hear that?

Yeah.

What's that?

Are they cool?

No, they're both faggots.

God damn, dude, that was awesome.

Like, we're in your house.

I know.

He's literally three feet from a toilet.

We weren't out and about.

Yeah, he got.

I said, stop, emergencies.

He's like, oh, I got to go see a gastroenterologist.

It's literally him being too comfortable in his life.

The gastroenterologist is going to take one look at you and said, you should be a little bit more anal retentive, literally.

And

I have

to do it.

And Freudly.

Put more

newspapers.

Put an elimination diet and figure out what it is that gives me such pain.

You should start with cock.

It's not cock.

You know that.

You should do a sub-limination diet.

Buy new ones.

I can't.

Where am I going to find those fucking pants?

I got to look them up online.

Yeah.

It's easy.

Okay, I get myself.

Super easy.

I'm such a fucking loser.

You can use that.

Use that top, that hard piece of cardboard.

It's got some book in it that somebody sent me that I don't want.

Okay.

So you can put that down as a seat.

Yep.

And then take that with you when you leave.

Take the book out?

No, just leave it and put that down.

Put that down and now sit on it.

Or maybe one more.

No, that's fine.

Like that.

Okay.

Can I be honest with you guys?

Yeah.

I don't deserve the chair.

That's true.

Get back on the box.

Don't sit on the box.

Because you might have still shit on you.

You might shit yourself.

I'm not going to shit myself.

Well, look,

30 minutes ago, we would have said the same thing.

You can't trust you.

You understand shit on yourself.

Now, everywhere we go and every show that we do, we have to...

Like, if we go back on tour in Australia, we're going to have to tell the flight crew on the plane this guy is shit.

He's a shit threat.

They're going to have to make an announcement.

This man's a shit at liability.

This doesn't have to be a bad thing.

A little boy who has a babysitter

who wears diapers.

Oh, that's true.

Actually, we don't have to do any of that.

We'll just get diapers from Adam.

Which, if you recall, I bought for him years ago.

That is true.

Before we did a show,

we tried to do a TV show that Adam immediately got bossy about and was like,

My character is the star.

And I was like, well, I don't want my friend to be embarrassing.

Audience decided my character was the star.

And shit himself on the show, so I'm going to get him diapers.

And you acted like that was some kind of insult.

When clearly now, Nick is vindicated.

The thing about the person on this podcast that has revealed himself to need diapers is you, Adam.

Vindicated about you wearing diapers.

Yep.

Vindicated about fucking coronavirus being fake.

Vindicated.

He's on a win streak, folks.

Yeah.

The next thing I said, those Chinese dragons, actually,

it's like just like 12 guys.

Well, I think that's well known.

Yeah, now.

Now it's well known.

So for a while you were really scared of that.

After somebody got to the bottom of it by taking a peek to see if the dragon had a bigger dick than me.

And when I saw the inner machinations of...

You're like, what the hell?

It's 12 Chinese guys?

It's fucking a bunch of Chinese guys.

There's no big green scaly cock.

There's no dick.

What the hell is this?

What the hell is this?

This tastes like a regular Chinese guy's dick.

This isn't a dragon's penis at all.

There's no fucking armored ball sack that I can fucking bounce up and down on.

I'm trying to suck a big lizard's dick here, pal.

And all I got is eight Chinese guys to suck off.

I could just do that any day.

It doesn't have to be Chinese New Year for me to do that.

Now I understand what the fireworks are about.

You guys are really funny.

Adam, look, man.

You know when we get those emails that are like, I've been in a dark place in my life?

No, those go right to the garbage.

Yeah.

Just like the books you sent me, which

are used as a diaper for Adam.

Any gift you send, Nick, will be used to block Adam's ass from emitting any more shit on any of our stuff.

If I may.

You may.

Go ahead.

You have the floor.

People are like, I'm suicidal.

My parents are divorced.

It turns out Adam's puicidal.

That's right.

That's good.

Because he shit his pants today.

And we can't stress enough.

He literally shit his pants.

I just got those pants yesterday.

And this thing.

But

he's like, he can't help himself.

But

this is my moment to shy.

Right.

My emotional turn.

My star turn.

I swear to you.

You have no shame.

I swear to God.

You don't.

You don't.

You're pretending to be embarrassed.

You don't know what embarrassment is.

I swear.

It just makes you, it's a cute thing for you to be humiliated.

You're like, isn't that endearing?

I shit myself.

Everyone goes, oh, Adam.

Yep.

I haven't done this shit at all.

Well, not me, pal.

I'm going to steamroll right past it and talk about Chinese dragons.

Well, that's what I was trying to say.

And you can maybe, if you want to figure out a way to contribute to that.

Yep.

That's what I was trying to say.

What?

I feel like those suicidal guys when I'm listening to you do that, hey, I was trying to suck a dragon stick.

Right.

It did make me feel good.

It made you feel good.

Escapism.

Folks, today's episode is brought to you by the movie Joyride with Steve Zahn and Paul Walker and

that bitch.

I just thought about it a second ago.

I've never seen that movie.

It's great.

You'd love it, dude.

Really?

If you were on drugs.

Who's the bitch?

What's her name?

It's like mimi so uh sobel sobelesky sobieski sobieski yeah so she used to be around back in the days when i remember that name but i don't remember what she looks like

mimi bobies bobekski my phone is in the poop bag

you put you shit on your phone well all my stuff is in my pockets of the poop pants why don't you take it out you fucking idiot now i've remembered that i have to

huh did you shit any more after you shit yourself yeah I went more in the toilet, obviously.

Unbelievable, dude.

So you had fruit for breakfast.

What did you have for dinner last night?

I had fruit and I had

an egg.

This is the thing that's crazy.

He gets mad at me when I come over and just start smoking my pipe in his house without asking.

Yeah.

It's true, Adam.

It's crazy that you somehow have evened the score with all of Nick's rudeness that he does at your house.

That is that the score, it is a million to zero.

I don't know, man.

Shitting?

A million to one.

Shitting in his...

Of all the disrespectful things Nick has done, going and coming in, eating puffins by the handful of loud ass.

Disrespectful.

I had an accident.

Having any snack.

I had an accident.

Any snack.

I had an accident.

And you come here, and I've been on your side of this whole thing.

I had an accident.

I'm always like, damn, Adam, Nick owes Adam for that one.

Nick is the dickhead here.

Somehow, in one fell swoop, you completely even the score, and now Nick has another, what, five more years of behaving that way.

certainly I mean I may stop the snacking but definitely not smoke in in the house

that will not be smoke in my house it stays for like five days

you shit you shit on his furniture bro okay it is a camping chair it's still a fucking chair he owns it's but can you admit that it's less bad than it if it were his sofa.

Absolutely, I can admit that.

But the fact that, okay, you shit on something he owns.

Yes, and this is the thing.

It's like, whoa, why do I have to sit on a box?

Why do I have to sit on a chair?

I wasn't working on it.

I was doing it territorially.

You know why it wasn't on a sofa?

Because you're not allowed on the sofa.

I thought, honestly, I thought, wow, this is cool.

Maybe Adam will get to be on regular first.

This is a story of my life someday soon.

Is that I have to be the villain.

Right, right.

That I have to be

the guy that sees the world for what it is before anyone else does.

And they say, that guy's an anti-Semite or an asshole.

I'm like, just you wait, pal.

Just wait.

This wasn't broad stuff.

I wasn't unfair to Adam in general.

I think most people can agree it was solely this weird chair.

It was solely the chair thing.

It was the only time you've ever been unkind.

And they say, why?

And I'm like,

I say to them, like, the Oracle from the Matrix, Chad,

I can't tell you that.

And they're like, why are you talking like that?

I'm like, the Oracle from the Matrix.

You're like,

are you alright?

I'm like, I have an emotional disability.

It makes me.

I like acting kind of gay and weird because it bothers people.

Right.

It makes me uncomfortable more so than them, but I know it makes

it making them uncomfortable.

They're like, they imagine themselves acting that gay, and through some kind of weird reversal of empathy, it makes them want to kill themselves and me.

They want to stone me to death.

Yep.

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Adam Poop, the chair.

No, see, this is what I mean.

You can't try and co-opt it.

No, he's just trying to scoot in there and be like, remember when we were paying attention to me?

I'm not doing that.

We're doing an ad read, Adam.

Come on.

I'm trying to get some money here.

You think people are going to buy these

chewables?

Buy these chewables?

We actually don't.

We actually don't because I lost track of which reads we were doing and forgot to invoice them.

So, yes.

Technically, we do not get paid anymore.

They pay us zero for the

sort of a monopoly-style bank error in your favor, right?

In their favor, kind of a thing that could not have been preempted by any degree of organization on my end.

It's fine, buddy.

Well, then maybe they can send us some free dick pills.

You see this giant box that's covered in tape with an arrow on it?

Yeah, that's pointing up.

The files are in there.

Yeah, nice.

That's all of my accounting stuff for the last year.

It's a bunch of pieces of scrap paper, half of which have just the Slayer logo drawn on it.

Pretty cool.

Yeah.

That's still my move.

So there's no

in-doctor visits.

No in-doctor visits, no inpatient conversations, no psychological testing to see if you can stand trial.

If you are intellectually capable, sound mind and body.

Sound mind and body.

You can handle an erect penis.

The sound and fury of your mind demanding that you fuck whenever you see a woman.

The power overbecomes.

And you black out, and then it's too late.

You've already done the deed.

It's almost as if a demon has taken over.

There's no test like that.

Are you writing this down, Mr.

Police?

There's no test like that.

And then they explain to you that

literally everyone that's arrested comes in here and tries this.

And there's no such thing as getting off on insanity.

And I say, but what if I did this?

And then I'm doing the pencil

the Joker pencil move.

You know what?

Yeah.

That was the first time I've seen that one.

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But Viagra and Cialis are for boomers.

Right.

This is the shit for millennials who are now old enough that their dicks don't work.

All the Zoomers that listen to the show, I guess what you do is like ironic Catholicism and

Twitch streaming.

Yeah, you have a trad girlfriend.

Basically, you're holding.

Is that really that many kids?

Is that still happening?

They're all aspiring to be like one or two cartoons from 4chan.

That's my impression of understanding of Zoomers.

One, they're all mixed race.

And two,

they're all trying to be just, yeah, drawings.

MS paint drawings.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I can't believe people are fucking being religious, and that's like...

That can't be that many of them, right?

I'm getting more religious.

Are you?

Yeah, Greek Orthodox.

Don't even try it, pal.

Why?

You don't.

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Yeah, yeah.

And listen, because they're chewable tablets.

In Italy, they call it chialis, probably.

Chiales.

Chialis and Viagra.

Yeah.

That blue chew is American made, not like that Italian bullshit.

That's right.

Not like Viagra and Siara or the settings.

U.S.

motherfucking A.

Happy Fourth of July, by the way, folks.

Fourth of July, go celebrate by getting yourself some chewable tablets that are

hard as shit.

It tastes good, by the way.

It tastes really good.

It's kind of a blueberry kind of.

Well, it tastes like a Smarty.

Yeah.

Maybe even a little sweeter.

Ooh, I might go trick-or-treating this year.

You should, dude.

Jay.

You should, bro.

What is it, July?

Just me, clearly a grown man, 6'4.

I don't know, but

25, just trick-or-treating.

4'6.

Yeah, but you have a car, and it's fast, so you could hit multiple neighborhoods.

I could.

Yeah.

Just from my car.

And you're sprinting.

With a megaphone.

Yeah.

And a big fishing net.

Put it in the net.

Put it in the net.

I have a really good costume.

You can't see me.

My costume is a robot.

I'm a robot.

I'm out here trick-or-treating for a black kid that was killed by the police.

Yeah.

Can I have his candy?

He would have wanted it.

He's in the car, actually.

He's immunocompromised.

I'm out here collecting candy for Tamir Rice.

So, how do you...

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Are you racist?

You're in black phases.

Oh, okay.

So I guess you're too racist to give me candy.

I'm the ghost of Woke Past.

This used to be all right.

Al Jolson was, was, he was one of the first

boop to know what was up.

Yep.

Very fucking true.

Yeah.

I'm the ghost that says boop.

Very fucking true, in fact, my friend.

Is anyone winning out the corner?

Should we do the promo code?

Yeah, what's the URL?

It's go.bluetu.com slash come town.

Go there instead of the promo code because I think the promo code is Cometown, but I like the

way just

going to be a bit more.

So, the convenience of writing in a long time.

I don't want to pipe shit in.

My dick is soft.

Right.

That's true.

I've had that fucking problem a lot.

You got to go where your dick is going to get hard.

He wants your dick hard.

I'm not asking these questions, man.

Come on, man.

I'm not answering these questions at all.

I want my dick soft.

When my dick is hard, I'm going to look in the mirror and I'm going to look at my dick.

And when you look at my dick, and you understand that I got to suck a dick to even get it hard.

Right.

So fucking true.

That's called Constitution of

America's law.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, sir.

Not fucked in my ass.

I got fucked in my ass.

Come over here so I can suck your cock.

Jack, you got that right, Jack?

My man's got...

How big do you think his penis is?

Joe Biden?

Yeah.

It's probably a nice.

Six and a half?

No, bigger than that.

You think seven inches?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Interesting.

Definitely bigger than that.

How tall is he?

Joe Biden?

6'1 ⁇ .

Okay.

I don't know.

I just guessed that.

I'm saying

6.5.

How did Hunter's dick look?

I didn't look at the picture.

I didn't see the picture, actually.

I saw it blurred out.

I couldn't find the one.

He's got a nice dick.

I've seen it.

He's got a nice dick, but it's offset by his like Karen body.

He's got like a mom, like a kind of droopy.

Don't people say that's dad bod?

No, it's not a dad bod.

He very much has like the middle-aged mom that just got into like depletion exercise.

Right.

Like I'm taking care of myself by eating a lemon a day and running 18 and a half miles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I've never felt, I really feel like I've detoxed because I'm shitting and pissing myself everywhere I go, and I'm detoxing.

Yeah.

He's got that kind of body.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

He's like from crack, I guess.

It's drooping, but the thing that's drooping is in shape.

Yeah, he looks like

you know that picture of like Khrushchev on vacation?

Not Khrushchev, Brezhnev.

The Brezhnev swim trunks with the telephone.

Sounds like a picture of Brezhnev.

Oh, yeah.

He's in an indoor pool.

Yeah, I don't know where he is, but it's Brezhnev on the phone, and he's got swim trunks on.

It's like that if he lost weight.

If that guy went on a diet and didn't lift any weights.

But the cock is good, you're saying, though.

Biden?

Hunter.

Oh, Hunter.

And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Yeah.

I feel like Biden's got a big, big job.

I think he's probably got a honking cock.

I change my honk.

I'm going a seven and a quarter.

Hunter's got what I would call sort of like a workhorse.

What do you mean?

Stocky?

Like

he's like the point, like kind of like a point man cock.

So like a stocky six.

Like a

stocky six.

It might be a little bit longer than that, but it's like he's got like a, you know, like a, you know, like a.

He gets the job done.

Gets the job done, but not in a way where it like just gets the job done.

You know what I'm saying?

It really gets the job done.

Well, yeah, it is very knocks out of the park.

I'm going to sit with Workhorse because that was the word I chose.

That's what I meant.

That's a good one.

And now I'm being pressured to

you're putting me on the defensive to explain what I meant.

Which I don't like.

I get it.

I get it.

So I'm just going to

intellectually and emotionally, I'm just going to put my head

back under the dragon

and suck off another Chinese.

It's called the Under the Dragon mentality.

And it's a part of an eight-cassette self-help program.

That if you call in the Come Town,

if you call in the Come Town, hold on, let me pull up our number again.

Let me see what our number is.

Can you pull that up

quick?

It's impressive also to go along with the workhorse thing, to agree, Nick, that he could be on Smack and crack and still be horny.

Well, he's probably got so you want to talk about dick pills running through your system.

Yeah, definitely.

So, if you want to call, if you want to call in to Cometown, you can order myself help series, just dial 410-338-1098

or write us at 3800 Hooper Avenue, Baltimore, Maryland, 21211.

Oh, wait, hold on.

Yeah, call it.

Contact us by calling 410-467-3000.

Yeah.

That's right.

That's our number.

Yeah.

Wait, no, hold on.

Adam, stop mouthing things.

Adam's mouthing, I shit myself again at us.

Come on, stop it, man.

410-338-1098 and say, I want this.

I want to live under the dragon.

I want to live under the dragon.

That's what I was talking about, I think.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

It's very funny.

What do you don't even know what we're saying, dude?

I know.

I got it.

Once again, Mr.

Pretendy.

Mr.

Pretendy.

Pretendy, there's no shit in his ass.

Now that I'm in a vulnerable place, can I admit something to you guys?

You're going to show up with a bag of shit

in your hand.

You're going to be shit.

A literal bag of shit.

Stop it, please.

And

your chair that you have to take with you.

Coming through the house like a woman that's just finished shopping, and like laughing already to your girlfriend.

You're like, it was so funny.

I shit myself at the show.

I think it's cool.

No, I don't think he's going to.

I honestly think it's going to be a week.

I might lie.

I might lie to her.

And just like, not telling me that.

We're going to be talking about it.

On Monday night,

you won't be able to contain.

He will.

Yes.

It will take a couple days.

And when he finally does, he's going to tell, like, it's a charming anecdote.

I feel really.

But I think for today, especially because she got him.

And I'll be dead.

And I want you to know how that'll do.

be dead by then.

Over my dead body.

Hopefully.

Hopefully, that's exactly how it goes down.

Yeah.

Hopefully, that's literally how it goes down.

And that, and then I'll keep the Patreon going until people, I won't post an episode, but until people unspeakable, people don't notice five bucks a month.

No.

And that's,

and you know what?

That'll be a nice little retirement plan for me if you guys do that.

And that would be nice.

Can I admit my

thing?

Yeah.

My moment of vulnerability?

Sure.

I always felt like the being from Maryland thing, like you guys, it seemed like you share a really nice thing.

Shut the fuck up.

No, and I've always been like, you know, I wish that I could be part of it, you know?

Well, you can't.

I worked in Silver Spring for

we're not even friends.

We're sort of like professional rivals.

That's right.

It's sort of like Nikki Lauda, whoever the fucking other guy is in that movie.

Oh, from Formula?

Rush?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm the hot one.

I'm the hot one physically, but I'm the guy who's better at driving also.

No, so you combine the two characters.

You don't do that.

And yes.

I'm the hot one.

The guy who's played by Thor, I love Thor Ragnarok.

That's the guy I am.

I don't care if he loses.

That's the guy I am.

I haven't seen the movie.

I'm the guy that's hot.

No, you're not.

And also the one.

You're the one that's better at the fucking driving,

but not as hot as Thor.

No.

First of all, I was the one that even came up with the analysis.

And I was going to actually say it, but I didn't know the thing at all.

I was going to say Formula.

You're in a different movie called Crush, and it's about the orange soda.

And it's delicious, and I'm drinking something.

My dick's like bike.

It's about the reason you don't have a chair on this show.

I'm on the fucking sofa thinking for you.

Exactly.

Because, God forbid.

That's the other thing, too.

That was also part of my clever game.

As I say, oh, well, Adam, you can't have a chair or be on the couch because

Stav needs to be on the couch.

Nice try.

Privately, me and Adam had a conversation.

I was like, can you imagine what would happen if he sat in the chair?

Don't even try it.

I'm not interested in the chair.

And I sat on the box a couple times to give our friend Adam a fucking respite.

If I move the sofa back, you'll notice there's a big X that says fat.

Why would it say that?

Because there's

a reinforced steel all the way down through the bottom of the apartment.

Yeah, there's a beam.

I destroyed the apartment of the people who live downstairs to put the beam in.

And they said, what are you doing?

And I said, one of my friends is morbidly obese, and the other shits himself.

I thought you put in a

there's a Roman column right underneath where you're thinking.

It's a Greek column.

What do you mean?

It's a Greek column.

Well, just

like, you know, why don't you say that?

Our understanding of history is Roman culture has to prop up Greek culture and legitimize it.

Not at all.

Don't do it.

In history, otherwise, no one's going to be able to do it.

Why don't you show yourself again, Chief?

That's me.

Huh?

Shut the fuck up.

Why about that?

Because you called it a Roman column.

Stop, I'm going to your country.

When?

After you go.

Oh, after?

You couldn't have come at the same time?

We could have been a bad person.

No, it's my dad's birthday.

I can't go at the same time.

I'm there a couple weeks.

Well, I might be there at the tail end.

All right.

Well, then we'll go.

And I'm going because I want to understand.

Here's something you can understand.

And it's not copying.

It is copying.

Well,

where are you going after Israel?

What are you telling you?

Israel.

You're going to L.A.

I'm going to Israel.

And you know I was born there.

You're not from La Saz.

That's copying.

You're not from L.A.

I was born in Santa Monica, St.

John's Hospital.

It doesn't matter.

Come on, bro.

St.

John's Ward for the Criminally Homosexual Infant.

Why would my mother give birth?

Because of the tests that fucking showed that's where she should be.

She took a test and they handcuffed her and they were like, we need you to fucking

give birth here.

I almost died that day.

The day of my birth.

I don't care.

What do you mean you almost died?

There were complications.

As a baby, he was so allergic to coming out of a pussy.

He touched the pussy, he was so gay.

That's true.

He tried to hang himself with the umbilical cord.

Because some of his mom's pussy got on top of him.

They had to spank him when he was born, like they do with the baby, but it made him come.

And we're like, well,

I don't know if he's going to be able to handle life.

Well, it's cool that I could come as a baby.

He actually has the Guinness World Record

of being the earliest molested baby.

And

the second he got out, he was molested.

No other babies had that.

I'd like to see you.

But he got so hard.

His dick was almost a half centimeter.

Yeah, you just be nice.

I'm actually in the pennis book.

World records book for having the biggest dick in the world.

No, you're not.

You're absolutely not in that.

It's my record book.

I'm in there for it.

Fuck you.

I don't care.

You can just start your own record.

The pennis book of world records.

And the only record is with the biggest dick, and I have it.

And the records are closed.

We are closed for submission.

Good day.

No more.

In fact, we're putting you down as most annoying person to call.

Yes.

We're putting you down as biggest faggot.

If you're a big faggot, you can check out

Cushy.

Cushy Dreams.

Yep.

If you're a lot, any type of person can check out Cushy.

It's cool, cool, too.

You can go there.

Well, that kind of guy could be cool.

A big faggot and a cool guy.

Yeah.

Hey, in my book,

what?

Sorry.

What are you saying?

In his book, that makes you a cool guy.

That makes you a cool guy.

And I agree.

Yeah.

But what I really agree on, even more than that.

Hey, zip ahead.

Come over here a second.

I got something to tell you.

You're trying to get high off fake weed?

Well, I got the perfect website for you, you fucking dragonface retalk.

Okay, yeah.

It's cushydreams.com.

Now for gooks.

All right.

What's the character?

I don't know.

It was like an old time.

He was on a roll.

Like an old-timey TV commercial.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But I ran out of the safe ones.

Right.

Hey, Shovel Face.

You're looking for...

Safe ones?

Huh?

Are those the I think it's all relative for Nick?

Those are safe.

Hey, hey, Ritod.

Yep.

Hey, Ritod.

Come over here for a second.

No, that's what it is.

It's the Sham Wow guy.

Hey, camera guy.

Come over here.

Take a look at my fucking penis.

Look at my cock.

Does this look weird to you?

Do you think this bump should be here?

Wow.

Clean off your car, suck my fucking cock, fuck me in the ass.

It's that simple.

It's that simple.

Put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger.

It's that simple.

It's that easy.

Billy Mays here for my penis.

Billy Mays here for getting your dick sucked.

For Oxydick Sucks.

That's pretty cool.

OxyCushy.

For OxyDreams.

OxyDreams.

Dude, I would love OxyDreams.

Yeah.

Ah, fuck.

But

instead of it not getting you fucked up, it gets you incredibly fucked up.

Uh-oh.

Someone's got to shit again.

Yeah, watch him shit the new pants.

That would be so awesome.

Yeah.

He shits through your fucking cups.

Now he's going to use, he did this on purpose so he can use this as an excuse anytime we're doing the show to go to

go to the bathroom always for whatever reason.

Yep.

Oh, look who's back.

Why'd you leave?

Why don't you guys talk about Cushy Dreams for a second while I go get my coffee?

Cushy Dreams is a fantastic product.

I love it as a product.

It's safe.

It's effective.

How about a website for Adam called mushyjeans.com?

That's good, and it works.

And that was quick.

It is good.

You're fast.

Yeah, Cushy Dreams.

You're not going to get out of this by complimenting me.

I know your game.

It is true.

A compliment of mine has never worked on you.

I know, because I know what you're trying to do.

What am I trying to do?

You're trying to...

Curry favor.

Yeah, exactly.

I would never curry favor.

Which, look,

the problem is that shitting your pants, awful.

That sucks.

Even if it weren't embarrassing, which it's honestly in your 30s, it's really not that embarrassing.

It's just sort of a sneak preview of

what life is going to be in your 70s, which is going to happen faster than you could ever.

Remember being 15?

Think about how long it...

Now think about how long ago that was.

That's how soon you're going to be 70 years old.

I just feel like.

It's going to move that fucking quickly.

And you're going to be shitting yourself.

And your hole is going to be looser and looser by the day.

I just feel like

if that's happening when I'm 70, I just hope that I have a wife and a loving family

and you won't.

And I won't.

And that's how I feel right now.

You'll have a baby.

You'll have a strong Senegalese baby.

That's from the other side.

A strong Senegalese wrestler babysitter.

And that's when,

folks, that's a little preview of the Patreon.

It looks like somebody has gone to the bathroom in their pants again.

It's time to get beat up like a sissy until you

make white people out of your penis.

Yep.

And that's a little foreshadowing of our Patreon episode that you're going to want to check out at patreon.com/slash.

Yeah, Adam just dressed up like Jussie Smollett, getting beaten up by two giant Nigerians.

He's like, not my nannies.

Those guys fucked him too, right?

Yeah, they did.

That's awesome.

Anyways, CushyDreams.com is

honestly...

Hustle, energy.

You guys talk about it real quick.

I love Cushy Dreams.

Listen, we've joke around a lot on this podcast, and we're very rarely sincere.

But I want to take a moment to be extremely sincere about this beautiful product that I love so much.

What product we use?

I do use it.

I truly do.

Because, look, I'm trying to leave a healthy lifestyle.

You know, I'm the 20,000-step bastard.

You know, I'm trying to trim down a little bit before I go to Greece, hit the the fucking beach with my titties looking gorgeous.

When I smoke regular marijuana, I'm eating everything in sight.

I'm wrecking my diet.

What I love about Cushy Dreams is it has none of the fucking, it doesn't have the psychoactive parts of marijuana.

It doesn't make me eat like a fucking asshole either.

And when Stav goes psychoactive, that's when he really loses control.

I go insane in the membrane.

Right.

And psychology style.

Cushy dreams is something that you can maintain control of.

I maintain total control of my body.

I have, you know, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I have never shit my pants on Cushy Dreams.

Some people with weak constitutions shit their pants sober.

What I'm going to tell you, though, what you want to do is go to fucking cushydreams.com.

And look, they got all kinds of different types of fucking CBD, high-quality CBD.

And this shit is lab-tested, by the way.

It's the highest, fucking, goodest motherfucking quality shit there is out there.

So

you can get different types.

You want to feel up, you want a little pep in your step, get hustle, get energy.

They also got hybrids that are more of an Indica variation, which is what I tend to get.

I tend to wind down

beautiful cushy dreams, a body high.

Yeah.

Okay?

I'm smoking that shit.

I'm drinking a fucking diet cream soda, and I'm calling it an evening.

I'm winding down.

And I like the little half-gram joints.

They got little packs of those.

They got full gram joints.

They even got three and a half gram tints, tins.

And again, folks, this is CBD flour.

This is CBD flour.

High-quality, premium, CBD bug.

And it's the kind of, then let me say this.

If Shachari Richardson was fucking Sakari Richardson.

Shi-Shikari Richardson.

Sakario Richardson.

Shakario Richardson, she's Benicio, a really fast, hot black girl, but she talks like Benicio Del Toro.

If she was smoking Cushy Dreams, she would be in the Olympics today.

I love Benicio Del Toro.

A guy that's...

What's the promo?

He's been in a bunch of shit.

CushyDreams.com slash Cometown.

I think.

Promo code is Cometown.

Or Cometown20.

I think it's probably Cometown, and you get 20% off your next order.

So enjoy that, you little fuckers.

What were we saying about Benicio?

It had its moment in its past.

No, it's just.

No, no, no.

I'm not even being bashful here.

It's just that there was a shot to take.

Came and went.

I feel like we've been having a good one.

We've been up to the caliber.

I loved when Benicio Del Toro fucked

what the fuck is her name?

Patricia Arquette in that escape from Dan Amora.

And you could see kind of the side of her ass.

Yeah.

And she was looking rough.

She was looking, she got fucked up for that role.

And I still, I didn't beat off to it, but if it was more extended,

if let's say it was the beginning of a porno and then her tits came out and she sucked his cock, I absolutely could have jacked off to that to completion.

That sounds pretty tight.

Yeah.

Guys,

the events that transpired before the show have distracted us, I feel like, from the most important new

Creators going on strike on TikTok.

No, that's not it.

No, a different black creator.

Who's

finally been exonerated?

The black creator.

The creator.

Billy, the creator.

He's like Tyler, the creator.

Yes.

Who?

Bill Cosby, man.

Who?

You don't know who he is?

The guy from Cosby's show got out of jail.

Who?

He put girls to sleep.

He was a rapist.

Raped them.

Who got out of jail for reasons that remain unclear.

But who is that?

I don't know.

You know, kids say the darndest things?

The Jell-O commercials?

Ghost Dad.

Oh, the guy from Jell-O commercials.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

J-E-L-L-O.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I always wondered why they had that guy on there.

It's like, wow,

I kind of didn't want to eat this shit to begin with, but now.

Oh, so you knew him as a rapist in the Jell-O commercials?

No, I just knew him as a guy from...

I didn't didn't know he raped people.

Oh, yeah.

Well, he's out.

Well, he got out of jail because they said that he didn't do it ever

his entire life.

He's been a great guy.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, all jokes aside,

people are like, what are the odds that 60 women would lie?

And it's like, do you really want to do the math?

Do you want to know?

Because I have the answer.

Statistically, Nick's run the numbers

on that specific question.

And it is?

Yeah.

Computer survey says

100.

1 in 6.

Those are the odds.

That's pretty good odds.

But you know what?

That's pretty good odds.

5 or 6 is even better odds.

You know what also has those same odds?

What's that?

Getting a free can of Sprite when you look under the cap.

1 in 6.

Yeah, so have you ever gotten a free Sprite?

I haven't had Sprite since I was a kid.

Answer the question.

I have not.

You haven't?

I used to fucking hit that shit all the time.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I guess I didn't buy that much of it.

You want to know how mentally

not ill, I would say, but just how my mind works.

I remember as a kid, I would win those free sprites all the time.

Anytime I had a sprite, it was like I looked under the cab and I got a free sprite.

Very nice.

And it would make me mad because I'm like, I'm using up all of my luck now.

Ah, yes.

And later in life, I'm going to be a miserable fag.

No, still on the free sprite train.

The kid wasn't wrong.

No,

I think you did use up all your luck.

Yeah, but no, I'm still very lucky.

That's true.

But I'm like, damn it,

I'm using it all up.

Yep.

What's going to happen when I really need it?

Yeah.

Whenever I lose, I feel like I'm closer to my next victory.

But whenever I win, I feel like I'm closer to my next defeat.

That's the worst way to think about it, man.

I think it's like a kind of a Zen Buddhist way way of thinking about it.

No, it's some Wayne Gretzky shit.

No, I think Wayne Gretzky loves all the shots.

Why don't you just shut the fuck up and play hockey, pal?

Leave the quote doing to the genius.

The geniorati, like us.

Like us, Gorvidal.

Yeah.

The smart people.

Gorvidal's famous quote.

What was that?

Hey,

Zipperhead, why don't you come over here?

I don't think he said that.

I've got a sham wow for you.

Was he alive during the time of the sham wow?

Yeah, he died relatively recently.

Really?

Yeah, like 2011?

I guess that's true.

I remember him older than the other one.

He was probably one of those old guys that was getting young cock.

Yeah, because he said such witty things.

Yeah, like a gay version of you would suck off Corvido.

Thank you for saying a gay version.

No problem.

You've had a rough day at it.

Maybe it was Norman Mailer that died in 2012.

Somebody died in 2012.

I I think it might have been Norman Mailer.

Yeah.

Mailer, you hardly fucked her.

Mailer,

I barely knew her as a female before she transitioned.

That's good.

They're like, I want to get a penis put on me so I can become a man.

And then the doctor goes, Mailer, I barely knew her.

They're like, what?

And he's like, you know, like Norman Mailer.

Yeah.

You're like, what?

The guy from.

What are you talking about?

All All that shit.

They're like, sorry, I was just listening to the pod.

I'm listening to a podcast right now through

a hidden microphone in my ear.

I've got a secret service earpiece.

Yes, I'm the trans doctor.

Yeah.

I heard, you know.

Imagine a world where a mentally retarded man is also gay.

It would look a little something

like this.

That was a good show.

That's a good show.

Imagine a Chinese guy with a very big dick.

And he runs into the gay retard.

And he's elected to be the front of the dragon.

And being a dragon turns him on so much that his dick is hard and pokes through the front of the dragon.

Dragon.

Out of the nostril.

And they can't see which way they're going, naturally, is a dragon, and they walk into a child.

And somebody sees the penis go into the child's ass.

That's cooking.

And now all of the men are on trial.

Now the whole dragon is a pedophile.

Now the whole dragon is a pedophile.

And I think that would go a sinking

like this.

That's awesome.

That would be a really good episode.

Imagine an Indian woman, but she doesn't smell bad.

Whoa.

And so people think she's doing black.

They think it's a white lady doing blackface.

Right.

Because she doesn't stink.

And the whole town goes after her and accuses her of racism.

And she's dragged into the town square, and her clothes are stripped off.

And then they see that her pussy is purple.

And they realize, oh no, it's just a non-stinky Indian woman.

Wow, dude.

That's a fun.

Dude, they are really not pulling any punches on this reboot of the fucking.

This is the one Jordan Peele rebooted.

Yeah.

He's allowed to do it.

It's an unstable.

Wow, that's fucking wild shit, dude.

That really is the edge of the human imagination.

It's the Twilight Zone.

Zock my pain and fuck my asshole.

But um but um

but um but um

but um but um

what if the pink panther was real?

What if it was actually a panther that was pink and he went around stealing art into sneaking places?

Let's take a look, folks.

Oh, that's the whole one.

Yeah, what if it what if the be what if when I saw the movie The Pink Panther, I thought there would be a cartoon panther in it and there wasn't and it made me cry.

It pissed me off.

And it made me cry because it was just a French guy.

So, what if

he the Pink Panther?

Yeah, the French guy was?

No, the Pink Panther was

the thief.

Oh, yeah.

But there is no actual Pink Panther.

That's actually mostly just from housing insulation.

Yeah, I remember that commercial

for the

Pink Insulation.

I remember the insulation because my dad obviously was a carpenter, and I spent a lot of my time as a child at Home Depot.

And I got pissed off when

I saw the cartoon, but there was nothing else kind of entertaining.

Yeah.

I did want some insulation because of it.

Yeah.

So the Pink Panther's the Thief.

Oh, yeah, because the Inspector is, what's his name?

I thought

the Pink Panther was the diamond.

I don't fucking know.

No, the Pink Panther's the thief, I think.

But wasn't there a cartoon of the Pink Panther?

It was a cartoon because specifically because children were upset.

Right.

That you thought it was a cartoon and it wasn't.

Yeah, I remember my parents showing me that and beat, and I was fucking pissed.

Suck on my dick.

And balls, I cannot see them at all.

What if the theme song to the Pink Panther was actually about sucking my dick because I'm gay?

I'm fucking gay.

That is, that would sound.

Because I can't.

Something like this.

Fuck any girls.

What if you could see Winnie the Pooh's penis?

What if in the cartoon.

What if he wasn't where he still wasn't wearing shorts, but he had a little yellow cock

that was visible at all times.

And he would still say things like, Oh, bother.

Oh, bother.

Oh, bother.

But you could see his pinky.

And sometimes it would twitch.

And sometimes when he sneezed, it would move up and down.

What if Winnie the Pooh at a certain point he became hard?

What if Winnie the Pooh and Piglet were in a years-long gay relationship with each other?

I think it would look

little like this

on the twilight.

Oh, Piglet, suck my cock.

Oh fuck me fuck my ass, Piglet.

I'm gay.

Oh piglet, let me suck your curly little penis.

What does piglet sound like?

Yeah, I like that.

Fuck my ass, sweetie.

Imagine Star Wars, but instead of choking people, Darth Vader made people nod in their pants because

He would jack them off

force.

What if Darth Vader used his magic powers to make a woman's boobs show?

That would be cool.

That would be cool.

And

we saw that.

And we got to see them in the theater.

Then we saw it in the movie theater.

And then he fucked them.

I think it would go like this.

That kind of peaked with the Chinese guy dragon.

You know what, though, man?

They may have peaked there, but all of them were solid base hits, at least.

Yeah.

I agree.

That's one of those things where had I been a younger man or a straighter man.

Imagine it was this podcast, but it was actually four years ago.

But it was three years ago.

Before...

And we still sort of gave a fuck.

Before...

Well, I can't even really pinpoint.

It was more of a gradual thing.

Before the Malayas settled there.

Before

you realized there would never be an answer.

Then this bit would be anywhere between 20 to 80 percent better.

Even the novelty of the search wears off, and you're like, who cares if there's some meaning to life?

I'm sure it would be gay anyways.

I'm sure even if I figured it out, it would be fucking gay.

It wouldn't be anything cool like gaming and getting pussies.

It wouldn't be those things.

It would probably be some faggot god shit.

Yeah.

Or traditional values or

caring about other people.

And I say nuts to them.

None of that sounds fucking cool to me.

All of that sounds like bullshit.

Imagine a world where the meaning of life is eating pain pills and getting your dick sacked by a Chinese.

Now that would be fucking awesome.

In a place called the That Shit Rule Zone.

The fucking awesome zone.

The guy light zone.

Imagine the world where every bitch is Johnny and she has huge tits.

Imagine a world where every woman has big, huge-ass tits.

Even their pussies are small.

And you're Darth Vader.

You can jack their pussies and see their tits, whatever you want.

You can beat off to it.

If you pull it, you're allowed to have a gun and make them suck your dirt.

And none of the other guys are Darth Vader.

No one else is.

You're the only Darth Vader in the Darth World.

And also, as Darth Vader, you can fly.

You can fly.

You can fly, and you get all three of the what-if superpowers,

Flying Stop Time, and your Darth Vader.

You're Darth Vader.

And you can go to Daven Busters and use as many fucking coupons as you want.

But you still get the...

There's still, somehow, there's a value to the tickets.

Even though you have unlimited.

It's unlimited, but you still feel like you are.

You still get the gratification.

And also you're on heroin.

But it doesn't fuck you up in any way.

It doesn't healthwise.

It still feels good.

There's vitamins in the heroin.

And they put vitamins in the heroin.

And also

you've got a bunch of chimps that are an army of loyal chimps.

There's a bunch of chimps that rip people's hands and faces out

the second they cross you.

And they're like, Rock, keep going, stretch.

Rock, stretch.

We don't have an episode.

Just keep saying things.

Just keep saying things.

And then it's like, it's 21 minutes and 50 seconds.

He's like, well, I bet you'd like to see that one, but we're out of time.

Wouldn't that be fucking cool?

And then they finally open the Fortune Cookie.

And it's the Social Security number of his dead aunt.

Oh, what?

That allows him to claim the money to finally get the surgery to make his penis out of metal.

And now you have a metal.

And now his penis is metal.

Next week's episode.

Thank you, folks.

Thank you.

We forgot to other the tape of the episode.

We don't.

Just describe it.

Just keep saying

about it.

Maybe you'll learn something.

To avoid ladies' voice.

And the bitch is like, oh, I don't know.

I don't want to suck a medal.

What if women had a shell like a crab and you had to crack it open to get to their pushback?

But there was only one

giant pair of pliers left.

And you had to fist fight a different kind of thing.

And you were also like a crab and you had a big claw.

And you just want to jack off, but you can't because you've got a big claw chop your cock off it would crush your own so your only options are rape and you have to

cutting your dick off while jacking off

that would be fucked up huh

the guy light zone

In the fucking cool ass motherfucking zone.

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

We get pussy.

We do drugs and we get pussy.

Imagine getting roadhead in a monster truck.

And the dick suck is so good, you run over 15 cars and kill a bunch of people.

And you think you're going to jail, but the judge is cool.

The judge is like, hell yeah, brother.

The judge is Darth Vader.

And he lets you off for being so evil.

Being fucked up.

And then the Joker is your friend now, too.

And then you hang out with

both the Joaquin Phoenix and the Heath Ledger Joker.

And they say it's actually cool to watch my little pony

in the twilight.

And no one calls you gay.

And no one thinks you're a fucking loser.

Imagine being able to play Nintendo DS in the girls' locker room while they get undressed.

And they can't see you because you're invisible.

And you can have sex with them also.

On the Twilight Zone.

Fucking Twilight Zone.

That's awesome, dude.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, if you want to hear about this episode of the Twilight Zone, check out patreon.com slash come town.

That's right.

Or come.town to buy shirts.

That's right, folks.

And that's it.

That'll do it.

Yep.

Happy 4th of July.

Happy 4th of July.

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