Ep. 264 – The horns of charles

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So I look over there.

I look over here,

and there's, you know, walking into the bar, who do I see?

Who's that?

A Chinese guy.

No.

A rabbi.

A Jew.

Jew yeah fucking different Chinese different type of Chinese guy a different type of Chinese guy okay

and then uh

so so far we have a rat two Chinese guys a rabbi and a Jew Jew couple of Jews rabbis and two Chinese guys yeah and fucking

the

three Jews so there's three Jews two Chinese guys two Chinese guys and they're all in this big fucking argument Yes.

You've walked into the bar and you see this.

You know what?

It's two Jews.

Two Jews.

Two Jews.

And

one of the Jews.

There's

two Jewish rabbis.

Okay.

And two Chinese guys.

And the Jews are standing across from each other.

And the Chinese guys are next to the Jews.

And

the Jews are saying to you, like, $20, you want this?

$20.

And he's pointing to the Chinese guy.

Right.

And there's a Chinese guy next to him.

And the other Jew's like, I can't afford it.

Maybe $10.

And he's trying to haggle down to buy a second Chinese guy.

And I'm like, fellas, you can't be selling Chinese slaves in here.

Right.

This is a bar.

And the look on my face when I realize that it's not two different Chinese guys.

It's one Chinese guy and one Jew is selling a mirror

to another Jewish guy.

And there's no Chinese guy?

There is a Chinese guy standing next to the one.

Is he friends with the Jews or is he just around?

Just looking at the Chinese.

He's just there.

Okay.

He's just there.

And there's a Chinese guy, and his reflection appeared to me at the time.

He's another Chinese guy.

To be as complete.

I didn't want to be racist.

I assumed there were two Chinese people.

And the Jews were just selling mirrors.

Selling Chinese.

Selling a mirror to one another.

Right.

Not Chinese slaves.

And this was at the bar.

This was at the bar.

It's an old joke.

It's an old Navy joke.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, my grandfather would tell it.

Right.

When he was in the Navy.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

What do you think they would do to a couple of Jews and a Chinese guy if they caught him at a bar back in the day?

Back in the 1940s?

Yeah.

Well,

you've heard the term bar backing.

I have.

A lot of people don't know where that comes from.

Where might that be?

But a barback tip, what does a bar back do again?

I think they're like the bus boy of the bartender.

Yes, they bring the dirty glasses back to the dishwasher.

Basically.

Well, when it used to, it used to, the word term used to be buck breaking.

Uh-huh.

And they would get,

you know, a younger

man kidnapped from Africa.

Right.

And his job would be to shadow a bartender.

And get and to learn how to become more of like a Lenny Kravitz-style black guy,

like an affable sort of bartender.

In the South, you know, because everything was slave labor,

all the bartenders were slaves.

So they had to teach them how to listen to their barriers.

They all had the bar back.

And they had to learn how to become.

And so you're going to be like, what's wrong with you, mister?

Yeah, and then you can say, well,

what does this have to do with what they would do to a Chinese guy and a Jew?

Chinese guy and a Jew back in olden times.

Sometimes you didn't have black people.

Yeah.

You had to settle for Jews.

Well, no, that was still illegal.

In fact, most of the slaves were owned by Jewish people statistically.

And that's the thing a lot of people aren't talking about.

A lot of people aren't talking about that.

And that's why, thankfully, we have the Chinese to do the math

to show us that

that was actually the case.

Right.

Because think about it.

Here's the thing that's true about statistics.

Yes.

And finally, we're having this conversation.

Because in terms of absolute numbers, yes, more white people are killed by the police than black people.

But what's more, the black people are only 12% of the population.

Exactly.

So that means that 100% of the people being killed by police are black.

That's not exactly how that works.

But it's sort of, it's something like that.

It's close.

Yeah.

But in terms of absolute numbers, it's yes.

Same way in the South, yes, more white people own slaves.

But statistically.

The percentage of Jews.

The Jews were paying less.

They were hacking down per slave.

Per slave.

So in terms of dollar value spent on slaves, in terms of non-cheap value,

in terms of real,

it's the Jewish people's fault.

Slavery.

Yeah.

And that has something to do with buck breaking.

And because

can I tell you what?

They would say, they would go, why are you breaking my buck here?

You're breaking my buck.

You know, I give you a dollar, you're saying $1.50.

It's like, well, then this change, and then I have to buy another slave to carry the change back to the bank.

Right, right.

You're breaking my buck here.

Oh, because I would have guessed.

And then they say, you know what?

Maybe I'll open a bar

and teach them to be bartenders.

And that's the story of...

That's cheers.

That's Abe Saperstein,

the founder of the Harlem Globetrotters.

I did not know that.

Yeah.

That's huge.

My guess would have been that the Navy guys would have fucked the Jew and the Chinese guy in the ass.

That's what I would have thought.

I had no idea there was all this complex history.

There often is.

When you explore history, everybody's looking for a simple story.

Right.

Everyone's looking for Occam's Razor.

Yeah.

Which, by the way, I used to shave my balls.

That's not how, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

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The

what were we talking about?

Slavery?

Chinese Jews.

Chinese.

History.

History.

History.

History is a very good topic for a podcast.

Yep.

And that's kind of the pivot we're going to start doing.

This is now.

We actually found Dan Carlotta and we made him suck our cocks at gunpoint.

And today is the history of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Yeah.

My favorite image with the Harlem Globetrotters is

I thought it'd be really funny to

take like a video of the Harlem Globetrotters, you know, and it's like,

Day Out at the Fair is the name of that song.

Day Out at the Fair?

Day Out at the Fair.

It was, it's, there's actually lyrics to it.

Interesting.

It's like a jazz song before, and the lyrics are, you know, it's like the ice cream song.

They're extremely racist.

If I believe it, yeah.

Well, my idea was.

We're out at the fair.

We spot a couple of fellas up to no good.

Up to no good.

Got a little fight, and my mom got scared.

Said, you're moving to Bel Air.

And then I got to Bel Air and it was filled with Jews.

And there's a black man, they're my natural enemy

because they pit me against the other races.

They use me as a cudgel to beat over the head of the white man.

And that, yeah, and then they use that for the harmless.

I would have to say, in probably the 30s,

that's actually probably considered progressive

to think of, to see that.

Yeah, probably.

what what I thought

what I thought uh

oh wa so my idea with the Harlem Globetrotters Harlem Globetrotters was actually originally a black and Chinese

it was like the whole setup.

It was uh

there was a Chinese

the part of the play was that it wasn't the Harlem.

Because they're not from Harlem, they're from Chicago.

A lot of people don't know that.

That's used to me as well.

That's actually true.

Really?

Yeah, the Harlem Globetrotters are from Chicago.

They had actually never played in Harlem Harlem until 40 years after the team started.

Wow.

Yeah.

Until the 1960s.

But the, yeah, it was originally, this part is also true, a Chinese thing.

Yeah.

And it was called the

Arlem Globetrotters.

And it was a Chinese guy, and he's like, oh, I can't see.

I'm too Chinese.

I can't see Arlem Globetrotters.

And

he's wondering if they're Globetrotters.

Too dark.

So it was originally

a group of, I guess, still black guys that were just globetrotting, not basketball, or they are basketball players.

Yeah, whatever.

Sure, sure.

But the

Arlem Globetrotters.

And he's wondering.

And so people would buy tickets to watch this man try and figure out if they're globetrotters.

Well, yeah, then they'd be like dunking on him, and he'd be like looking for his glasses.

His feet were bound, bound, so he'd be kind of stumbling all over the corner.

Right, right.

And be setting picks and shoving them to the ground.

Yep, yep.

It was kind of like a fun little hate crime sort of thing.

That's fun.

That is fun.

Yeah.

But it was Chinese-owned, so they were making all the money.

Yeah, just like today's current NBA.

Right.

That's right.

That's right.

Fucking Chairman LeBron

sucking off Mal's bald little nuts.

So my idea, to go back to what I was saying about the Harlem Globetrotters, is I I thought it would be really funny to intersperse a

five black guys-on-one white woman gangbang with the Harlem Globe Charters music.

It's like in the middle.

You could very easily add that music to pornography, and I don't know why that hasn't been done.

I think it would be the funniest.

That's very funny.

Yeah, yeah.

We're out of the fair, we're spotting a couple of the guys up in the good.

Now we're in Ball Air.

We're in Bel Air, man.

We're bashing some Jews.

Uncle Phil.

Get me my shot.

Uncle Phil

doesn't have enough of that hood stink in him to say anything to these people.

He's trying to keep quiet.

Without me, Will

from West Philadelphia, I can say what I want.

What are they going to do?

Send me back to Philadelphia.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm an anti-Semite, but it's more of a Philadelphia thing than a black thing.

I just happen

to be black.

No, it's Seinfeld.

I'm from Philadelphia.

I hate Jews.

I'm tiny Jews.

And Jerry, anti-Sein,

Semitefeldt.

That's good.

Yeah.

Take control of the media.

I'm the one that did it.

I'm the one that

did Gaza.

I did 9-11.

I blamed it on the Zaudies.

Yeah, something like that.

Welcome, everyone, to this is Nick and Stav's Day Out.

Yeah.

No, Adam.

We went and got ramen.

Got ramen.

We just ate an entire box of Milano, double bar chocolate.

Without Adam here to make us feel bad about our bodies because he weighs 92 pounds,

we went off.

Adam's in Costa Rica, probably eating like

a cracker made out of compost called like

mom's mom's cracker mother cracker the mother cracker mother cracker of Gaia

and it's made out of dog shit and

there's a one one sprig of rosemary on it and and like skin shavings off like an Indian woman's foot yeah nice and he's like it's actually really good it's actually got a lot of umami it's got a lot of

money.

Uh fucked me here.

And before we really start to get cooking, I want to tell the good people of Rochester, New York, to buy tickets to see me at Carlson Comedy this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

I'm there, five shows.

Buy some fucking tickets.

Once these are all sold, I can announce my whole tour

coming up.

Maybe check stavi.viz.

Carlston, New York was at like,

uh-huh, Will.

Yeah.

Will, I'm a faggot.

Will, um,

I'm wearing, like, prep clothes.

Yes, exactly.

And it's like, damn.

It's not unusual to get fucked inside your ass.

Damn, Carlston.

Damn, Gina.

Damn, Gina.

You know what I watched yesterday?

Big Mama's House 2.

Damn.

Should I get all of Martin on the DVD offset?

Without question.

I don't know why I haven't done that yet.

Martin rocks, dude.

Yeah.

I love that the Martin logo is just now like,

it's now, like, it's, that's just like the

symbol of pan-Africanism.

Like you throw in shirts, it's like, 400 years, no reparations, no.

And then it's in, like, the, like, you just expect to see Martin Lawrence's face.

Yeah.

I'm trying to see Brahman.

Remember, like, remember the later seasons of Martin when they had the little like Martin animation?

The little weird animation.

That was fucked up.

That was in the weird anchors.

It was kind of like the PJs.

It almost looked like the PJs.

But there was no reason for it.

it it's like well that's not on the show no

yeah it was just stylistic to say you know we've got it we've got a budget now yeah we're going we're moving on up yeah

damn dude

yeah it's a pretty good lunch you guys missed out on it

um i was thinking it'd be pretty funny to go to um

what's that pizza spumoni gardens

and be like i'm full but now i'm thinking about it and it's like I would love to just have one more slice.

Yeah, a Spimoni Gardens.

Yeah,

I'm quickly approaching Gokey.

I'm going super sane right now, and I fear what I'm going to do when I get home.

You know,

like, I've been shaken out of a slum, I've been awoken out of a slumber with our lunch and our eating of these cookies.

Well, I quit smoking this week, so I figure

might as well kill myself a different way.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, because the thing is, I've already gotten in the best shape I could possibly get.

Yep.

I've done the diets,

and

you still feel like shit.

You still want to kill yourself.

So it's like,

why do anything?

Yeah, you don't have to.

You're in a good enough shape where you could just, you could live your life eating like shit one day, eating good.

back and forth being fine.

Well, I mean, the key is to you get what you really want to do is like change what you want to align with like what's probably best for you

rather than being a constant cycle of abstaining and then binging or whatever.

Right.

But,

you know, who am I?

The fucking Dalai Lama?

That's not going to happen.

But I'm going to sit fucking cross-legged and go, um, yeah.

No.

What am I?

A couple of guys walking into a bar and one of them is actually a mirror.

Yeah.

That's not you.

Yeah.

You're a regular ass guy.

There was a guy that there used to be this like

a contest in Austin, the funniest person in Austin.

There was a guy that that went up and did it one time, and he blanked halfway through, and he started telling some bar joke that he was clearly making up on the spot.

Oh, no,

like

it was like clear that that's what was happening, yeah, and so meandering and so bad that when he finally got to the punchline, which was absurd and nonsensical and didn't make any sense, he got like a standing ovation.

What

that's hilarious.

Did he win?

No,

no, he lives here now, and he's an extra on like every cop show.

Nice respect.

He's been doing that for like 10 years.

I actually heard you won funniest person in Austin because you showed everyone your penis.

I did.

And everyone was like, they're like, that's the biggest clown I've ever seen.

No, no, no.

That's not it.

They're like, that's not what happened.

Yeah, I'm thinking about what happened now.

I actually know that that's not what it happened.

No, I'm a musician.

I just checked the Austin Daily Chronicle.

Yeah.

And it had world's smallest but funniest penis.

Oh, you're doing Austin.

Wins Austin.

Oh, you're on your way to the store.

No, no.

I'm reading.

I just told you.

I'm reading the Austin Daily Chronicles.

The wish game today that you got today.

No.

The Austin Daily Chronicle that has been in the newspaper for a year.

It's from you.

No, it's from

you were there.

No.

It's the Austin Daily Chronicle

covering the comedy section.

Flipping to the comedy section.

The only papers they had were Office Space and fucking Slacker.

Those are the two.

No, I'm looking.

When I lived there.

That's not true.

You just were too drunk to know.

No.

I just went to the microfiche.

I was one of the only guys in Austin that actually read the news.

That's not true.

But anyway, I was at the

Austin Daily Chronicle.

I'm reading it, and it says right here, Nick Mullen, crowned funniest person in Austin for one of the most minuscule penises ever seen.

One woman in the audience asked, is that a man's penis or is that half of a steamed muscle?

Well, for starters, you're holding the newspaper upside down.

I'm not.

Hold on.

So you had to correct it because you were holding it up.

I'm showing.

I was like,

know that noise?

That's the classic

turning the paper around noise.

I'd recognize that noise anywhere, apparently.

Especially a Texan newspaper.

And you know what?

I was holding it.

I actually just changed my mind.

I was holding it upside down, but I'm really good at reading upside down.

Yeah, because you kiss guys like Spider-Man.

No, I don't.

No.

Because you had a date in the rain.

So why would I have to read?

Even if that's true.

Let's say I do kiss guys like Spider-Man.

How would that help me read upside down?

Because you have to read the instructions on their zipper to remove that.

And you said kiss, not suck off.

That's a type of kiss.

And by the way, if I was gay, I would have, and I'm not, by the way.

I guess technically it's a type of kiss.

I will concede that sucking cock is a type of kissing.

Fine.

In the spirit of building.

Building some kind of, what's the word I'm looking for?

Common ground.

Like the artist R.I.P.

Prince famously said I'm going to tongue kiss you on your other lips that's true

but a man's penis is not another set of lips he meant a woman's pussy no and honestly that's the kind of kissing upside down i would do by the way because i don't kiss my boyfriend upside down because i don't have one yeah but if i was gay i wouldn't need instructions

because i would know how to suck cock intuitively yeah so check mate pal you had did win you did win because having a little dick in austin no no well then it was just it was over for you as soon as you proved you didn't know how to read the newspaper.

Excuse me.

Once again, Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes, though.

Yeah.

You're sucking it.

It's your penis, dear Watson.

It's in my ass.

Yeah, well, that's no, but you're

Watson.

I'm not

sure.

You're Sherlock Holmes.

What's on that guy's pants?

What's that tiny crumb?

Probably from his big fat lunch on his pants.

Oh, it's his dick.

No.

that's what Watson his pants

I'm not Sherlock or Watson.

I'm a different guy.

His tiny crumbs.

I'm not involved in that kind of shit at all.

That's the kind of shit you're into.

No.

I mean you're Sherlock Holmes though.

No.

And what's on your fucking mouth is Watson's penis.

I'm sure.

Lock your door, bitch.

I still have a gun.

I can wait.

I can wait as long as I need to.

You're that guy, too.

You're both that guy and Sherlock Holmes.

I can wait as long as I need to get to put a gun directly in your face.

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That's right.

For too long have we been sucking these websites cocks?

Too long.

I went to MacWeldon.com right now and they have, look at this this is cute they have a little accessibility button down on the bottom in case you're a fucking retard

so seizure safe profile let's turn that on turn that on so you can so because they do a lot of flash animations with vision impaired we're gonna turn that on cognitive disability program turn that on big time

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You're going way too disability.

What if you click that?

This is not retard safe.

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This is perfect.

I think we just found a better way to

do the ad reads.

Come on.

Do something, blind website.

I mean, I don't understand how this is supposed to possibly work.

It's still a website.

You would still have to click the thing.

Well, doesn't it just, if you're blind, want to describe shit to you?

Yeah.

Here's a piece of underwear, and you can see a guy's hot cop who's gonna

adjust the website to be compatible with screen readers such as jaws nvda voiceover and talk back

well that's fucking gay screen reader software is installed in the blind users computer and smartphone because they're too stupid to is that what the mac weldon website says well it's i think this is just uh

this is just the uh penis

So that's just Google?

This is just this is like this is probably some like fucking thing you just add to your website's code.

Gotcha.

And then it like, so I don't doubt they wrote all this.

Vision impaired profile.

What do you think of this?

What if instead of a mouse, a traditional mouse, there was a dildo that you sucked on?

That would be cool.

They tried that.

And if you suck it twice, it's double-clicking.

They tried the trackball for a while.

That was an old way to use a computer.

Remember the trackball?

I remember the trackball.

You'd have to be some kind of genius to use one of those.

You'd have to be like, I'm a commander in a data center.

Yep.

And i'm looking up pornography yes on my 1985 macintosh lisa we did have a we did have a weird macintosh my uh

i guess he was uncle by marriage who nobody liked

pedophile he

he wasn't a pedophile but we're pretty sure he was cheating on

my aunt yeah and uh

he was a little little bitch yeah but he brought us uh an old-ass macintosh and I would just like it had a trackball I believe yeah and I would just go there's no programs or anything on it was like the dictionary I would go and just like read the dictionary on the computer when I was like seven and be like I remember seeing like some print advertisement or something with like a computer with a trackball when I was a kid and I was like I had some like weird fixation on like the idea of like a home office in like 1985.

It was like burned into my head.

But the idea of a trackball and like

just being like the height of luxury?

Not the height of luxury.

I just don't know what it was.

Like having a glass office somewhere in the middle of the city.

Glass.

A glass, fully glass office in midtown, a track ball, and then like a floor lamp, like one of those like steel floor lamps that cranes over and it's like the half.

Yes, of course, of course.

It looks like a street lamp or something.

And I remember even as a child imagining myself as some like disaffected person with like just that computer and a glass office being like, what am I doing with my life?

That's so funny.

It's very weird, yeah, because I mean, like, early.

I don't know, like, when I was like five,

I was like, Yep, that's how it would be.

That's like how Wayne Gretzky, they tell that story of when Wayne Gretzky was like a three-year-old, he would sit, he couldn't speak yet.

He was like two, maybe even.

He couldn't speak,

and he would just, whenever hockey was on, he would watch hockey.

And whenever they would turn it off or the hockey game was over, he would just start crying.

He would piss him, shit himself.

He would just shit.

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Special baby nibs.

Let's at least pay attention to the reed for a second.

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I'm wearing some right now.

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I actually, I have not done laundry, and I accidentally wiped in a lot of my underwear recently.

And he doesn't smell like shit, folks.

By scratching.

And no, I just, I'm due for, I need to buy more Mac Weldon underwear so I can finally throw out the rest of the ones that are shit cover.

All my diarrhea.

Shit rag underwear.

Yeah, I'm wearing a bathing suit right now, actually.

Nice.

I love that move.

I haven't pulled that for a while.

They got the ace sweatpant for a cool.

If you're asexual, if you don't get pussy, you don't get dick, but it's your choice.

For if you're a cool guy, it goes by ace.

He comes in in

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Oh, sorry, infantry is the color of the.

Right.

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Gray Heather.

Total Eclipse Blue.

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True Black.

Chinese Yellow.

No.

Denim Blue.

It doesn't come in that.

Charcoal Heather and Ass Fault.

Ass fuck, more like it.

Gay gay

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The ace hooded sweatshirt.

This looks nice, too.

It's it.

My thing is I have to like snap because I would just wear all the same clothes from one company at once, which is insane.

And I'm tempted to do that with this stuff, but

maybe you should.

No, I can't do it.

You got to mix it up.

No.

You should buy all the clothes and then buy clothes from elsewhere to mix it with.

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Maybe we got some reviews from the hoodie.

It's fits well and is warm from James H.

I like it a lot, says Pengai R.

Joseph M says it fits great.

He loves the sweatshirts.

He's got three of them at this point.

That's awesome.

They're comfy, they fit great, and they look better.

I have been arrested for child pornography.

And I'm going to kill myself.

But what about the hoodie?

From Joseph M.

Jeffrey S.

Four stars, not five.

Interesting.

But then he says, you'll want another one, my new go-to sweatshirt.

Stitching is plenty strong, so hopefully it'll last.

Fabric is surprisingly smooth and soft.

Why'd you give it four stars then, Jeffrey?

You fucking prick.

Fucking womanly behavior from Jeffrey.

Oh, if you read on, actually, it actually says, he says,

only four stars because one of the threads got caught and I was identified by the police and arrested for rape.

Yeah, this is this.

Because they traced me to my

hoodie.

Hood drawstrings are a bit too long.

Get the fuck out of here.

What a bitch.

Move.

Oh, you want your fucking drawstrings lost.

Well, the strings are too long.

The strings are too long that my weak baby arms can't fucking.

How about your?

The strings are too long, your prick is too short.

How about this, Jeffrey S.

Kill yourself?

That would be awesome to see.

And the rest of you, you can go to MacWeldon.com, use promo code ComeTown or ComeTown20.

Often we forget one of them.

Try it out.

And if it's neither of those, try something else.

Try something else.

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You don't sign up for the Mac Weldon Loyalty Program.

The Melkelweld.

Mackey Meckleberg's Mac Weldon Blue.

The Mac Weldon Blue Ball Special.

There's a lot of blue shit with all these fucking sponsors.

It's hard for me to keep track of who's blue and who's underwear.

You just mean the blue

loyalty thing and then also

another company that we work with who's not purchasing right now.

This is that guy, Montgomery Blue, that I do business with sometimes.

Yep, that guy that sends the guy in the Blue Men Group that fucks you the ash for that.

Yeah, that guy Blue Montgomery sends me that blicker he makes in his bathtub that we give out to fans

to test it out on him to see if it kills him.

That guy.

Yep, Montgomery Blue.

Yeah, there's

Adam Blue.

Adam blew a dog for $20 one time.

Remember when we got $20 from that guy?

Yep.

In exchange for he got to watch Adam suck a dog's dick.

That happened, and he did it at MacWeldon.com.

That is, if you buy enough clothing for MacWeldon.com, you get to unlock that video of Adam sucking off a cockroach.

I'm trying to check the promo code, but every time I click on a thing I want, it says that they're out of stock, which means they're very popular.

Which means you better get to this fucking website post-haste, you fucking idiot.

T-shirts and Henleys.

Here we go.

The Pima Crew neck.

This looks good, dude.

I see.

Imagine.

Love that.

Look at

this handsome model of color.

He does happen to be a black gentleman.

Yeah.

And I'll fuck him just the same.

I see these clothes, and I'm like, man, imagine if I was somebody that could go have a nice time.

So I buy the shirt, imagining I'd be like that guy.

I'm smiling.

And then I put it on, and then I just eat a bunch of tram at all on my couch.

And that's, that's, you know, it's like that.

You can do that at MacWeldon.com.

Promo code ComeTown or Cometown20.

The silver line.

I feel like it's Cometown.

Silver line of anti

guys.

Yeah,

antimicrobial shit.

Here we go.

They got silver in their underwear.

Here we go.

Check out.

Your cock is fucking nestled by precious metals.

What else could you ask for?

$50, you get free shipping.

With the blue program.

No, it just looks like regular.

Wow.

Log in for Weldon Blue Perks.

I just want to see where they put the promo code in.

But you're right.

It's probably Cometown.

I'm pretty positive it's Cometown because I'll tell you this.

I am a customer, folks.

Yeah.

Some people will send us for sure.

Someone call them a bustamer.

I'm a bustomer.

I'm busting these.

I have come inside of these.

I've probably got my dick sucked with Mac Weldon's pulled down around my waist.

I would say four or five times minimum.

Wait, what do you mean pulled down around your waist?

Well, you know, a girl pulls your cock out of your fucking underwear.

But do you know where your waist is?

You like don't have a waist, so you just don't understand the concept.

I have a waist.

Or I guess pulled down around my ass.

I don't know.

Wherever you pull down underwear.

You can't pull down underwear down to your waist.

I guess it is at your waist.

I don't know why we got to be the semantics crew all of a fucking sudden, all right?

No, it's just very funny.

My cock is pulled out of these banks.

The point is, whether they're on my waist or they're under my ass cheeks or right under my balls or whatever the fuck.

I have gotten my dick sucked with, or around my ankles, frankly.

One time recently, I was standing up and my pants and shorts.

I was wearing khaki shorts, were pulled down.

I like to do the move where you pull your shit out from the leg of the pant.

No, yeah, you pull your cock out of the leg.

Well, if you're in shorts, yeah.

Come on, it's too much bunches up.

No, it doesn't.

You just move it off.

It's unzip.

I don't have my legs, aren't fat,

muscular, masculine.

I mean, if you want to call it that, look at these fucking gams, bro.

That's fucking muscle, dude.

Yeah, I guess it sounds.

What it sounds like is somebody that doesn't know how to read a newspaper.

No, I know.

I know how to read the Austin Daily Chronicle, and you're in there.

You're in there from showing people your little ethnic

at fucking Cap City Comedy Club.

Don't say the name of where I did it.

Now they're going to look it up and ask.

And it's going to be real.

The one thing I really don't want to happen is a bunch of people to call Cap City and ask to see my penis.

If there's one thing I would hate.

I think it's closed.

I think it closed during the pandemic.

Then call whatever the box office is for the Moontower Comedy Festival and ask to see my penis.

If people were doing that, I would just be heartbroken.

Ask if it's true that Nick won Austin's funniest person for

the smallest nick anyone's ever seen.

If people were calling up Moontower incessantly and asking that over and over again,

boy, that would just sour my nuts.

That would make me so piping red hot.

But yeah, go to MacWaldon.

Did we finish this?

I think so, yep.

All right.

Go to MacWeldon.com and check out penis code ComeTownPenis.

Mm-hmm.

Thank God we wrap that up.

Yeah.

Without Adam here to,

you know, tap on his watch to let us know that we're running out of time.

Well, to let us know that we're running out of time.

That he has to get to the story about how somebody complimented him.

Come on, Cat, it's your chance to be on the podcast.

Meow.

I've really only heard this bitch meow a couple times.

Meow.

Yeah, I mean, she is pretty loud.

Come on, bitch, say something.

For the listeners at home, we're holding the microphone up to the cat.

This is now a cat podcast.

Yep.

For all the fat women that fucking

won't leave us alone.

Yeah.

We get nothing.

We get emails.

And it's just this show, the audience is 98% fat women who sing along to Hamilton.

Begging for more cats on the show.

Yeah, they're like, I would have liked it if it was more ham.

Right.

I loved it.

It was great musical, but there wasn't enough ham.

I thought there was more ham, and I thought that I feel feel represented in the word ton

that appears in the end of it.

Dude, we should go see in the heights.

I'm going to write a musical called Ben Franklin, Big Fat Bitch.

And it's just a musical, but Ben Franklin, you cast like a

you know, like a Lindy West type.

Mm-hmm.

He would be a fat woman.

Yeah.

It's gender bending.

Yeah.

It's like inventing shit is my passion.

Getting pussy in France is cool too.

I love it.

How about a kite?

And there's a key on the top.

The key touches electricity.

And then I learned that you can use electricity to make a fucking piano.

And I.

And the Constitution is fucking.

That's when we passed the law of 1887 that said that you have the right to get your dick socks.

Dude, they hit this is so gay.

I know, dude.

I know it's like, I shouldn't still be mad about it.

It's passe to call it gay.

I know, but god damn, dude.

It is fucking annoying.

Have you ever heard of the Declaration of Independence?

The greatest minds of

the Enlightenment coming together to create democracy.

Democracy.

Everybody is.

The founding fathers can suck my little dick as far as I'm going to do it.

Except for taxation.

Taxation is good.

Taxation is sucked my penisation.

Taxation with the representation makes me fucking pissed off.

What are some Hamilton songs?

Let's just go through.

We'll just rip on Hamilton.

Oh, yeah.

Alexander Hamilton sucked my fucking little dick.

He pulled out my penis and he sucked it.

Oh, here we go.

In the Heights original motion picture soundtrack.

We'll do that.

Nice.

Okay.

I would listen if there was a lot of time.

Lights up on Washington Heights.

Up at the break of day.

I wake up and I got this little punk I gotta chase away.

Pop the grape at the crack of dawn.

Sing while I wipe down the awning.

Hey, yo, good morning.

Ice cold, Piragua, fight chocolate.

I can't listen.

I am Musna Vien.

You probably never heard my name.

Reports of my fame are greatly exaggerated.

Exacerbated.

This just sounds like Hamlet.

I mean, it is Lynn Manwell's little quick ramble.

From the single Greatest Place in the Caribbean, Dominican Republic.

I love it.

So this is kind of racist.

Right at the beginning, it's...

You're saying it's better than Haiti?

Yeah, he's a DR supremacist.

There's also like a surprising dearth of

Latinx of coloria sassa in the movie.

That's what I've heard.

So it's colorist.

I've heard it's colorist.

Jesus, I'm jealous of it and beyond that.

Ever since my folks passed on, I haven't gone back to the DR.

So he hasn't been back to the DR since his parents died.

God damn, I got to get on that.

The milk has gone bad.

Hold up just a second.

Why isn't everything in the fridge warm and tepid?

So I guess he's...

He owns a bodega.

So he's a landlord.

Yeah, so the premise of the

yeah, he's a landlord.

And AOC has called the AOC's press office.

It's like, she's coming by.

She needs to have Oyokomo Va on

when she goes in there to order her chachito.

Yeah.

And if Oyokomo Va isn't on, then guess what?

Donald Trump's going to become president again.

And it's your fault.

And it's your fault.

And he's going to making faggot Sesame Street songs for NPR liberals illegal.

You'll have to be a fucking substitute drama teacher again.

Yeah.

It would be funny if there was like a Guatemala,

a Guatemalan guy that did this kind of shit.

Like with man, Lauranda had been Guatemalan.

Yeah.

And it was like, waking up in the morning, waiting outside of Home Depot.

I'm five foot one.

I'm the tallest of my people.

What am I going to have for lunch?

Probably fucking McDonald's again.

Probably just fucking McDonald's.

I'm probably like 17 years old, but I look 37 because I've got cancer from cutting MDF without a mask.

Earning $15 a day.

God damn, I wish I was dead.

Yep.

My wife looks just like me.

Ethnically, I'm closer related to Winnie the Pooh than anybody from South America.

My wife looks just like me.

My wife looks like me with long hair.

She's basically exactly like me, but with a ponytail.

Yeah, we're the same motherfucker.

And our clothes are for fat children.

When I put on my Tigger denim jean jacket, I know that everybody's laughing at me and my dumbass culture, which ceased to exist, dried up somewhere on the border, crossing, I lost half my family, and now I'm

happily

faggotry.

There it is.

Yeah, happily faggotry.

Engaging gay sex with another guy who looks like me in the back of the day labor and van.

I got my man.

We're doing a little brokeback mountain, except it's more like a hill.

Broke back mound,

broke back slight elevation.

Yeah.

Having gay sex on my vacation.

Having gay sex on my permanent vacation to America.

I came here for opportunity, but all I did was find out that I was kind of gay.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

That would be a muncher.

I would go see that one.

I would love to see the musical about a gay Guatemalan in the parking lot.

In the Home Depot.

In the Home Depot parking lot.

I haven't been back to Guatemala since my entire family was killed by the cartel.

Yeah.

And Kamala Harris told me not to come.

Fuck Kamala.

I'm a fucking.

Jokes on her.

I wasn't going to come anyways until I found out I was gay.

Because he comes here and he realizes that there's women that don't look like his wife.

Right.

He still doesn't want to fuck them.

And he's like, well, I guess I'm gay then.

I guess I'm gay.

I thought the only reason I didn't want to get pussy was because my wife was ugly.

But if she had a cock, I would suck it.

Yeah.

And then, like, the contractor character.

I've done this joke before.

But when you do it on Broadway, the contractor character is like a 30-foot-tall pair of like legs and timber legs that walks under the set.

Right, right, right, right.

Fuck Muppet babies.

Yes, yes, yes.

That would be awesome.

Alexander Hamilton sucked my fucking penis.

Made me suck his dick.

Then I'll fucking die.

Or you do like the Rocky Horror Latino show.

Okay, I'm listening.

And it's like the Dominican Republic.

What happens there?

Can you suck dick?

At the Dominican Republic, we're all sucking penis.

Do that, Ladio.

I don't care where I go as long as I can suck it.

I'm trying to suck dicky horror latino.

I was eating beans and rice,

even though they were gonna fuck me in the ass later.

Even though they fucked me in my venus.

Something about

super speciosa.

Oh, super speciosa.

I love smoking kratom and getting my ass fire.

You don't smoke the kratom you drink it.

I love drinking kratom almost as much as I love drinking cam.

Super speciosa, which they've asked us to stop saying it because I'm saying it wrong, I guess.

Okay.

I guess I'm not doing it the way Lynn Manuel Miranda would say it.

Super speciosa.

They had to literally put it in like phonetics for me.

Okay, true.

Speciosa is pronounced

speciosa.

That's how we've been saying it.

Especiosa.

Speciosa.

Spussiosa.

How about that?

Why don't you call it super pussy give me, sa?

Super give me pussa.

Super Gimme Pussa.

Here we go.

We got a promo code, but we also have a direct URL you can use, get superleaf.com slash Comtown.

Wow.

Have you ever had it?

So easy.

Kratom is pronounced K-R-A-Y-T-U-M.

Kratom.

I guess that's how you spell the pronunciation.

Yep.

Scenarios.

Oh, shit, I wasn't supposed to read that.

Kratom gives your whole body energy, but for some people, it's like coffee for your cock or your vagina.

I love that.

Which, famously, coffee does not work on your.

Well, maybe not for you.

Does it work for you?

I put my dick in there and it sucks it up like an Aardvark.

Yeah.

Super speciosa

could energize you to a lot.

So, anyways, let's just, if you don't know what Kratom is,

it's like some kind of fucking South

East Asia.

Yep.

The spidery part of South Asia.

Yeah.

So China, but snakes and spiders.

There's Chinese snakes.

And kicksboxing.

And that's what, exactly.

Yeah.

That's why the plants are even more fucking awesome.

Their plants are wicked cool because they've got to compete with the snakes and the kickboxers.

Yeah, so it's a type of poison from Southeast Asia that you dry out the leaves and you chew on it.

There's a couple of different strains.

And if you go to get superleaf.com, I'm sure they explain it to you.

They sent me a bunch of the bags.

And

I'll be quite honest with you, I kind of just mixed it all together.

I consolidated all of it.

And then

you drink it, and

it makes you chill the fuck out.

You love to chill out.

And they have some of the highest quality shit.

in the whole goddamn universe okay finely milled handled with care

they got fucking

weigh in heat.

I had not actually been a Kratom guy prior to that.

I got it, and

every woman I know was like, that stuff's bad.

Which means it's good.

And I tried it, and I think it's good.

If a woman says it's bad, it's good.

Well, I think the women were getting the garbage stuff.

Exactly.

They don't know about cool shit like Super Speciosa.

As guys, we're always the first on the scene.

That's so fucking true.

First on the scene of a crime.

So true.

All culture filters down from straight white men who are drug addicts.

Absolutely correct.

We invented everything.

Fucking rock and roll,

Reservoir Dogs,

Grand Theft Auto.

Oh, my dick.

My dick is fucking hard.

Grand Theft Auto IV.

Fucking gay, ayy, ayy.

Lamborghinis.

That's us, for sure.

Lamborghinis is us.

World War II Facts.

Bagpipes.

Boondock Saints.

These were all things guys, brave men, explorers of the mind, invented while fucked up on Kratom from getsuperleaf.com.

They got they lab test their shit.

The movie Men of Honor, that's something that belongs to, that's our culture.

That's male culture.

That's male stuff.

Let's see a woman have honor.

What else?

Training Day?

The movie Training Day.

There's a scene where Ethan Hawke eats Kratom.

He gets tricked into eating Kratom by Denzel Washington.

And then Denzel Washington famously tries to

convince Latinos,

Latino culture, that he was in the heights diddling one of

the children.

Right.

And then they find.

And then not only does he not, but they actually find him to be cool because he's done Kratom.

Dude, that movie's awesome it's the it's one of the best movies go to get superleaf.com and use promo code training day

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3.5 ounces or however whatever the bag

yeah it comes in a bag of the dirt yes it does which is i prefer kind of the dirt actually you know what they because they've had capsules too and the capsules are nice because you just keep popping them pop them right in what i would really like is if they had peanut MMs.

That would be awesome.

But they met me in the middle, they heard my complaints, and they said, how about we give you a free copy of the movie Training Day?

Yes.

With every order.

And you do that.

You go there, use promo code ComeTown, and you can download Training Day.

Or

take the Kratom and then just stare at a wall and remember the movie Training Day.

Which is just as good.

Which is just as good because Kratom.

You know what, if not better.

Kratom is one of those stare at the wall wall and feel heavy and kind of nauseous supplements.

Which is the kind that is perfect for me to get out of bed and face this disgusting fucking world that

nobody wants to live in.

Of course.

Ex unless you have super s super leaf.

Super leaf.

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That makes life worth living, folks.

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Are you an aging millennial?

New aches and pains?

Kratom is great for pain relief.

That's the thing.

If you hurt your back, pull a muscle muscle from all that fucking.

Which I do.

I have done.

Yeah.

I've never hurt my.

I got a Charlie horse in my ass one time that made me come inside of somebody.

And Kratom helps with that.

So your friend Charlie Horse

was in your ass?

Yes.

No.

And I assume that.

Because a guy's cock was in your ass, you came in another guy's ass that you were fucking?

I certainly hope people don't call the Moontower Comedy Festival and demand to see the video of me getting fucked in the ass by Charlie Horse.

Charlie Horse fucked Nick in the ass.

Yeah.

That would drive me insane if people trolled me in such a way.

If you're only masturbating.

Nick's friend Charlie Horse fucked him in the ass so good he busted another man's ass.

The human centipede.

You were the lucky Pierre.

Yeah.

If you're only masturbating and you develop a wrist injury and you need a little extra push to get to come town,

super speciosis kratom will get you there.

You can come easy and hard with kratom.

Kratom is the secret supplement that influencers don't want you to know about.

No, sir.

Why are they hoarding it for themselves?

Kratom is a great pre-workout supplement.

What new things can you do at the gym now that you take kratom and have all this extra energy?

Kratom helps you write jokes.

Oh, yeah.

You guys can probably tell we took a lot of Kratom before this episode.

Yeah.

It's a super leaf.

Its cousin coffee is just brown water.

And as you know, brown means bad.

Right.

I'm not going to go.

Kratom is like a lost family member that was recently discovered on 23andMe and now is only now getting the credit it rightfully deserves.

Kratom comes in tea, powder, and capsules that you can put anywhere in your pocket, in your backpack, in your suitcase.

In your pussy.

It's very funny to imagine somebody still using a suitcase.

I kind of want one.

A suitcase?

What do you mean, suitcase?

Like a big old.

Briefcase?

No, like a big fucking, like a.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Instead of like a roller bag.

Well, you consider that a suitcase, too, though.

What would you call that?

A roller bag.

No, it's a suitcase.

It's a roly suitcase.

Is that what you call them?

I think so.

Yeah.

If I Google the word fucking suitcase right now, I bet you those fuckers come up.

Probably.

I just, instantly in my mind, I imagine like the big

handle that you carry, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like a square, like a bigger briefcase.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

See, you search, you Google search suitcase, they all have fucking wheels.

Yeah, I guess I just call that like luggage or

yeah.

Now they can see all the stuff.

I call them a dick.

well you know I mean I think outside of the box is somebody that uses relief yep that's kratom kratom from super specios is 100% all natural

there's not any of that fucking bullshit Nestle

you know fucking

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yeah

luggage

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Promo code Come Town.

This time it's listed as two words, so you're going to have to try both.

Try both, you fucking pricks.

But you can always go to get superleaf.com slash come town, and I think it'll apply it automatically.

Yep.

And if it doesn't,

please do not call the Moon Tower Comedy Festival and ask them if I won the little dick contest and I I got fucked in my ass by

Charlie Horse.

That's a good way to pretend you're not gay.

Say, oh, yeah,

I got Charlie Horse in my ass all the time.

Yeah.

You would need a boyfriend named Charlie Horse.

Yeah.

And you can be like,

I got a Charlie Horse in my ass and my mouth

and my hands.

What were we just talking about before that?

Before we were talking about the Kragon story.

Oh, we were talking about a Puerto Rican

in the Heights movie.

Yep.

Yeah, that was pretty.

Oh, no.

Dominican Republic.

Yeah,

I hope you're going to see it.

The Rocky Horror Latino show.

That's right.

That was good for me.

I put some fungo in my ass.

I'm a transsexual, trans-Panamanian fucking guy.

Yep.

Yeah.

Oh, yep.

Oh, what are some other musicals?

Wicked?

Phantom of the opera.

Wicked, a musical?

Yeah, I don't know what Wicked's about.

I think

the witch from Snow White.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's not.

It's about the Wicked Witch of the West.

There we go.

If she had had a penis.

She had a bigger pussy.

She had a big one.

She had big tits and a big pussy.

She got crushed by her house and then her dick curled up.

Her dick curled up.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

Damn, I would fuck a green bitch with big tits and a green penis.

Honestly, dude,

I don't care.

You know,

I'm thinking about it, and it's like, if that green bitch was banging,

even though she had the fucked up face.

Oh, yeah.

In fact, I might like it.

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying.

Wicked Witch of the West.

Yeah, let's Google image green witch

You look at her and she looks like, you know, she's like,

oh, my dad does some finance shit.

I don't even know what it is.

Right.

And so to make up for it, I'm just like sucking dick and I go to Tish.

Yeah oh, absolutely.

Yeah.

I wonder who the actress was.

I wonder what she looked like.

Um

probably not that hot, honestly.

Well, time for that classic moment in Cometown where we look up a we both Google something at the same time.

Yeah, actually the witch looks worse than I'm remembering.

Some bitch named Margaret Hamilton.

Ugh.

I'll take it back.

Although, Adina Menzel played her in Wicked, and I would fuck Adina Menzel.

Mila Kunis played her in some bullshit version.

Milakunis is a funny name.

Miss Piggy, I'd fuck Miss Piggy.

Mary J.

Blige, yep.

Nila Kunas.

Yeah.

Milaky posted.

Milaky penis.

Milak penis.

penis me like penis

This is an Indian guy

My name my name is me like penis

penis

Yeah, I take it back the bitch that played Margaret Hamilton could actually not get it

He's a different Margaret Hamilton from MIT from back in the day.

As an American computer scientist, systems engineer, and business.

I think this is, is this who you're looking at?

No, that bitch is hotter than the actress that played the Wicked Witch of the West.

What is the fucking Wizard of Oz?

Who the fuck wrote that shit?

Frances Scott

Dorner.

Yep.

I'm looking it up right now.

It's Frances Scott Dorner.

Oh, yeah, this woman is hideous.

But,

I don't know.

She actually looked better with the fucking nose on.

Yeah.

In that picture, she didn't look that.

Maybe on like a just a sloppy weekend.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, absolutely.

Just a oh, I'm not saying I haven't fucked worst-looking women ever.

Don't get me wrong.

Come on, I know.

I know how the fucking world works, man.

Let me see that pic.

Yeah,

you know, I guess I could fuck her with that little bonnet on.

bonnet.

Feel like I'm fucking the maid.

Like, the way Arnold fucked his ugly maid.

Yeah.

I'd feel like I was bonding with Arnold.

She's really barely hanging on in a lot of these pictures.

Yeah.

Margaret Hamilton,

we're going to have to keep you in the time machine.

Sorry, Margaret Hamilton.

I mean, out of the time machine.

Out of the time machine.

No one's coming back for that weird pussy.

Yeah.

You got to think her pussy was not well maintained.

Dude, I would like, if I had a time machine, I would just, I would immediately go back to biblical times and just come out with a big beard and my staff out of my time machine and be like, God said all the women have to suck my dick.

All the women, if you went biblical times, they'd probably be fucking heinous, though, dude.

Yeah, but

cave bitches.

I would be, I could trick them into thinking I was God.

Did they even know how to suck dick back then?

Of course.

They're probably getting nasty with it.

Yeah, the sodomites, I suppose.

They probably had to have, like, the basis of all religion is that people people were fucking too much and got, like, just wild STDs.

And they're like, we got to make up some kind of rules to stop people from

getting too much pussy.

And I don't want this to happen to other people.

Yeah.

So we got to figure out, we're going to put it on women.

Right, of course.

But we all get one, you know, I don't want to be the one just not.

So we all get one pussy, I guess.

And we can still.

Everyone gets dibs on one pussy.

We can still cheat a little bit.

But they're not allowed to fuck other guys.

They can't even know.

Their hole fills with dick dirt where I can beat my dick down the river.

I take my dick down the river, slap it around the rocks a little bit.

Get all the pussy's residue off it.

I'm clean.

What's she doing with that fucking hole?

That hole, you can't on it.

What are you going to dig the pussy dick dirt out?

No, thanks.

It gets inside you.

Yeah.

It gets in your pussy cavern.

It becomes a pussy wall.

It becomes a part of you.

Maybe once we invent the Bronze Age, I can make a little tool to look up in there and figure out what's going on.

In fact, that's going to be my job.

I've decided that now, as long as we're delegating everything, I'm both the clown and the priest of society, but also the OBGYNs.

That's my role.

I wouldn't want that.

Again, I think you're really

not thinking about how clean everyone is back.

Like, those pussies were fucked up, dude.

Yeah.

The pubic hair was wild.

They smelled bad.

Somebody else gets to look in them,

if you want to ask me.

It is funny that this is what you'd rather go back to.

I didn't say that.

Yeah,

yeah, she's a particularly unattractive woman.

That's so funny.

They were like, Yeah, we need a witch.

Yeah, you guys find the ugliest bitch you can.

Get just an absolute fucking disaster.

We're gonna pay to green

where it's like trying your best.

There's nothing cute about it.

Yeah.

At least she was alive back then, though, you know.

As opposed to what she get work as an ugly.

Even ugly bitches on TV now have to be hot.

Well, that was funny.

That movie,

what was the last?

What was the Ari Aster movie before?

Inception or

Midsummer.

Ari Aster movie.

I don't know.

Hereditary.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The little girl in Hereditary.

Like casting that and being like, yeah, we need a monster.

We need a fucked up looking bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

She's been in other stuff, hasn't she?

Who?

The Hereditary Girl?

Um.

No.

I think she has been, bro.

Millie Shapiro.

Oh, interesting name.

Damn, that just goes to show you.

Even if you look like that,

she has also played Sally Brown in an off-Broadway production of You're a Good Name, Charlie Brown.

Even if you look like that, as long as you got

the right kind of name.

That'll lie.

You get to sneak on in.

Yeah, I'm not going to say any more,

but you know exactly what you guys can

read between the line.

You guys can draw.

You can connect the dots on the shape.

Maybe it's some kind of star.

There's two triangles intersecting.

we maybe we can't say for sure yeah but perhaps

now i'm looking to track balls oh yeah let's find let's go find uh bitches from uh what i like to call a blast in the past okay how about that a blast in the past and it's brendan frasier he's like golly i made a time machine so i can go rape women from 60 years ago

and he nuts in them And then he meets his son.

His son, who's his great-grandfather, great-grandson or whatever?

Who's the same age as him?

Does he look like him?

Yeah.

And he's like, you raped my mom.

And it's like, well, that was a long time ago.

Well, I had a machine.

It didn't really feel like it.

Yeah.

And he's like, well, in your time, it's only been two weeks.

It's like, yeah, well, that's as long as it took me to feel guilty and get over it.

So maybe when you make your own time machine, son.

Yeah.

Then you can.

You don't get it, pal.

I made the time machine.

I get the pussy.

I'm the time machine.

That was the deal.

Time machine talks, pussy walks.

These are the rules that we came up with.

The rules of time travel.

Time machine talks, pussy walks, pal.

So, see ya would it want to be.

That'd be a great movie.

It would be really good.

Blast in the past.

Blast in the past.

Yeah.

About all the women that I guess you're assaulting.

Or George and the Jungle.

I think, no, I don't know.

Well, hold on, hear me out.

It's about a guy named George, Brandon Frazier, and he invents a time machine.

But the time machine also travels.

It's not just time travel, also goes to different places.

Okay.

So he sets the machine to go to the jungle back in the 1930s or whatever, back before it had been deforestized.

Yep.

And he lives in the current time.

And, you know, you can't really get away with using the N-word now.

Sure.

So he uses a time machine to go to a secluded jungle back in the 1930s.

Because he wants to say it, but in an ethical way.

Well, scream it, yeah, in a jungle.

Back wall.

Does it have to be a jungle?

Well, yeah, that's why it's Georgia and the jungle.

Okay.

So George Coleman.

Can I ask you this?

Why does he want it to be the jungle?

Because that's the name of the movie.

Okay.

Why does he have to do it in the jungle?

Does he have...

My question is, does he have racist motivations for the jungle?

No, he just wants to scream the word something.

And he thinks the jungle is the safest place?

He thinks the jungle in the 1930s during the rise of fascism and Hitler.

He's got one.

They're like, all right, we can send one guy back to the 30s.

That's the thing is

he stole the time machine technology.

So that it was being developed to

go back in time and stop Hitler and the Holocaust.

But it drops you off.

It has to go to a secluded place in the jungle because it will fuck up the time thread.

Right, of course.

If there's any evidence of you, like, you can't just show up in Berlin, people are going to be like, oh, time travel is real.

Right.

You're like, yeah, I have to kill or stop Hitler.

Right.

Because then,

you know, Hitler was planning for that.

A lot of people don't know the Nazis.

Their number one thing was like, somebody's going to come back in time and try to stop this.

So that was actually a lot of people now they get into this thing about like, oh, did the Russians actually win World War II?

No.

It was

Nazi Germany was so worn down by internal time traveler battles that they didn't have the the effort to

really engage on the Western front.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

So, okay, so George.

George has to, he steals the time machine, and he goes, he just gets in it, and it takes him to a jungle in the 1930s, and he doesn't understand why he's there, because he actually never learned about the Holocaust.

He was too busy wanting to say the N-word.

Yeah, I mean, he's a simple guy with simple pleasures.

And so he's like, well, I guess they sent me back here to scream the N-word in the jungle.

And he's doing that, and then you don't explore.

It's like, Good good Lord, sir, what?

The devil are you doing?

And he's like, I

I don't know.

I got in this thing, I think it's a time machine.

I'm from the year twenty twenty-one, and you're not allowed to say the N-word in the future.

And I stole this time machine from Harvard,

uh or like Jewish Harvard or whatever.

And uh'cause in the future, Harvard, all the school, they stop pretending.

Yeah.

And they're like, now

society will name its kings.

And so things are named like Jewish Harvard or Jeffrey Epstein, Microsoft.

Yeah.

Because Bill wanted to honor his dead friend.

Yeah.

He left his wife to have sex with Jeffrey Epstein.

Whoa, for real.

That's why they got divorced is because Bill Clinton or Bill Gates.

Bill Gates and Bill Clinton were having satanic gay sex.

Triple gay sex with Jeffrey Epstein.

Yeah.

And then once that ended, he was like, well, there's no point in pretending to be married anymore.

Anyways, what was the other dumb thing I was walking through?

George and the Jungle.

George and the Jungle.

And the British guy, you know, and he's like, well, who are you?

And he's like, well, I'm Lord Sherlock Holmes.

Is it George Sherlock Holmes or

Sherlock Holmes?

Well, I'm Captain Sherlock Holmes.

Because you're Sherlock Holmes, though.

Well, I'm Captain Sherlock Holmes.

Well, I'm Sherlock Holmes.

Hey, I'm Sherlock Holmes.

Well, I'm Captain Sherlock Holmes.

And he's like, aren't you that guy that beat his wife, Amber Heard?

And he's like, ah, a fellow time traveler.

Oh, wait, so this is Johnny Depp.

And he's hiding out.

Trying to escape.

He's hiding out in the 30s.

And he's like, just

a little thing about the time travel, you're not supposed to tell people the time traveling.

It's okay with me because I'm also from the future.

Right.

And I stole the time machine from Jewish UCLA.

And they all go back to the 30s because they're supposed to stop Hitler.

They've completely programmed it to stop the Holocaust.

Yeah, but the kid just drops you in this jungle, which I've been using to pretend to be my character, Captain Sherlock Holmes.

And you're clearly here to just scream the N-word.

But together, we can team up.

And this is where you actually get a story out of the thing.

I love that.

We can team up to combine our interests, and you can say the N-word, but in like a pirate character.

Right.

And so then he becomes Blackbeard, the N-word saying pirate of the jungle.

Wow.

Yeah.

And so are they going to stop Hitler or are they just chilling out?

No, neither of them really have any particular interest in stopping Hitler because they saw what happened to UCLA and Harvard.

And they're like, well, maybe

he gets another chance.

Yeah, maybe we'll just...

Obviously, Hitler is going to fail anyways.

Right.

What is that?

Go back in time to stop Hitler.

And it's like, stop Hitler from what?

They lost the war.

I think you could say it did a nice amount of damage while losing the war, though.

Like what?

Well, I think you could say the Holocaust.

Yeah, but the Jews won the Holocaust.

I wouldn't say they won.

I wouldn't use the phrase phrase the Jews won.

Well, they won.

The camps got shut down.

Saying to go back in time to stop Hitler.

Okay, so now the premise is we need to invent time travel so no Jew ever dies.

Ever.

That's your argument.

No, I mean, I think there's, I'm driving, I think there's a stark difference between a Jew dying of natural causes and six million being rounded up into camps.

Let me get this straight.

That's to stop Hitler from doing what exactly?

Just the guy at the time travel meeting.

Okay.

Oh, there's no other stuff we could do with it.

That's the thing is to stop a guy that we know failed.

He failed.

But I guess the Twin Towers did go down, but that's not a big deal.

Yeah.

We shouldn't stop that from happening.

Yeah.

Okay, I guess we see who runs everything here.

Yeah, yep.

That makes sense to me.

I'm over here saying we could very easily go get different types of pussy.

We can go see what pussy was like.

No one wants to try and see what 1910s Malaysian pussy was like.

It's all this, like, let's assassinate people and all this fucking evil shit.

The cause of problems that we're in right now.

I'm saying we go back to fucking 1412 and get some like some like some Saxon pussy some Saxon yeah dude I'm trying

English even existed I'm trying to go to the globe theater and sexually assault women on stage and make the audience think it's part of a play

and then I steal off into the night I'm trying to steal off into the night I'm trying look

everyone says people used to be shorter yeah shorter people probably have smaller pussies yeah send me back to ancient Greece let me fuck a little tiny

What if their dicks were small?

What if I have like a.

What if

I go to ancient Greece?

What if I have the biggest dick of all time?

What if in 10,000 BC I'm just a fucking monster?

Yeah, what if I'm

send me back?

I want to be the Peter North of prehistoric fucking send me back there, dude.

What if I'm blowing the biggest loads they've ever seen?

And this is this is how I made it onto the board of Jewish Harvard.

I'm trying to play devil's advocate here.

And how about this?

Okay.

Send me back to fucking ancient Japan.

Yeah.

Now it's a time.

Now I got double the advantage.

Yeah.

If you know what I'm saying.

I want to go, but send me back to 1963.

And I want to see if I can get my penis in one of the frames of the Zapruder.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

That would be awesome.

I would love to.

You know what?

I've changed my mind on the biblical pussy thing, dude.

You were right this whole time.

This was almost like you had the answer, and then we had to solve for it.

Yeah.

We had to prove how you get back to the bus.

Wait, what came around for you?

The fact that your dick is probably much bigger.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

You know?

That would be cool.

As rank as that pussy probably is, it would be cool to have the biggest dick.

Yeah, they had to fuck through sheets.

Yeah.

And you think about who's closest to biblical times?

Probably the Hasids.

No, they're not at all.

Yeah.

No, they're like from the 1800s.

Yeah, but that's closer to biblical times.

Who else is older?

The Amish, maybe?

The Amish and the Hasids are the same thing.

Yeah, you're right.

They're Christian.

They're Christian Hasids and Jewish.

Well, I got to blow my nose again.

So if you want, you can go to come.town.

Buy t-shirts or patreon.com/slash come.

Yeah, go to patreon.com/slash come town.

Go to stopby.biz.

We'll be announcing some tour.

We'll be announcing some new shirts, all the good shit over there.

And go to Rochester this weekend, please.

We could really use you.

It's my first weekend out on the road.

I would love to see as many people there as possible.

Bye, you fuckers.

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