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Just hurry up, Adam, so we can have lunch.
Did you format it?
Yes, I format it.
All right, Adam's going to the little girl's room.
He's going to the...
He's going, actually, he's going to examine his own pussy.
Yeah.
He's going to step over it.
He's going to step over a mirror to look at his own pussy for the first time.
He's spreading it open with his fingers.
He has to go dilate.
He got the surgery.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
I wonder if we're going to...
Now that Biden's president, we're going to have some...
Because I really feel bad for trans people
getting the hole made.
Why do you say that?
So, I mean, it's not there yet.
You don't think so?
No, you got to keep a thing.
You got to keep like a fucking.
Everyone?
I thought that was in the back in the past.
No.
You got to sleep with it.
You got to sleep with a cucumber in your back.
Yeah, it'll seal up like a gauged out ear.
wow yeah but at certain point the the pussy stays doesn't it no why don't they do it like you do a
it's a it's a woo your body's like like constantly in a state of like something's wrong yeah but if you what if you just there's got to be ways to stop that from happening yeah sleeping with a dildo in every single night
it'll also like it'll start growing hair on the inside sometimes
what if you put a pocket pussy in the hole you'll see like that there's like like forums where people describe like, what do I do about the smell?
Everyone in my office is complaining.
And it's like, well, I guess maybe you should like microwave bananas or something.
You'd be like, oh, it's my lunch.
Bananas.
Yeah.
Why bananas?
Because it's a strong smell.
Bananas are a strong smell.
It does smell like pussy.
You should microwave finish.
Neither does
their vagina.
That's the problem.
Maybe it does.
Maybe.
Can you imagine if we're experiencing having a really stinky stinky-like cis woman's, her pussy just stunk up in office?
I feel like I know a couple.
I've experienced that before.
That's got to suck to be in an office and there's like somebody who's like
cheapo surgery pussy is just making, yeah, like just
making the place reek.
You're like, look, I'm on the team.
I'm happy for you.
You're closing the door to the HR manager's office every day being like, this has to stop.
Yeah.
Why did Claudia have to go to Mexico to get this gender reassignment?
If only we had put pussies on the fucking on the healthcare plan, why didn't we all give
GoFundMe, which we thought was annoying?
They're just like in their office, like typing away or whatever, and like somebody's coming by and like caulking the door.
They're like, what are you doing?
I'm like,
they say that the door is making too much noise.
So they want to put a silicone
around the the door, Jesse.
He's wearing a hazmat suit.
Okay, sounds good.
I'll just get back to typing now.
I got to believe this.
Is a keyboard just being smashed into pieces?
Oh, man.
I'm typing a letter.
Poor lady.
Now, let me ask you this.
It's a really shitty lot in life.
How far...
don't say it's shitty, okay?
Don't put it in the bushes.
It's difficult.
Well, now you're looking down on somebody.
I'm not saying they get,
but you know, everywhere they go, Mexican guys are walking under their doors.
When they get out, they have to call them because they're going to get it.
You just got to laugh at them.
How far do you think the pussy surgery is?
I just got to think that I think your information is outdated.
I think Biden is putting about 60% of the budget into making
bills.
You should be out of dildo in there, and it didn't
seal up on you.
That's how they used to do it: you go and you get a dildo, you go down to a dildo store, and you say,
Let me get an extra wide one because I got a long weekend, I'm not going to be able to bring my dildo with me.
And stretch it out, maybe
you know, the size of a tennis ball, you're good till good through Memorial Day weekend.
That's what we used to do.
In the Delaware days, me and Bo, we'd stretch out my friend Eric.
He got a pussy.
And we'd stretch it out the size of a volleyball, leave on Friday.
We'd be down on the shore till Monday.
Rehoboth.
Rehoboth.
We'd go down to Rehoboth.
He'd meet guys.
He'd have two or three of them fuck him at the same time.
So Eric was a man, but had a pussy.
Yeah.
Eric was a man, and he had a pussy.
He was friends with.
It used to be every guy I had a pussy.
He's so so tricky to do.
I can do like one or two words,
and then I lose.
You got the cadence down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The corn pop video is just a good reference point.
I see the pattern with which he speaks.
I was practicing.
When he says, not a joke.
He likes, he has a long sentence, then he has a short sentence.
So you've been studying him.
I was practicing.
I was practicing him last night, and I got just the word victory I can do.
Okay.
Here.
A victory.
That's good.
That's good.
yeah that's good that one was uh that's as close as i got that's pretty good a victory a victory
a victory shouts out to joe dude my man was getting his longest turnout in a presidential election
yeah because he like he sort of aped obama's cadence a bit yeah totally eight years with him because he did such a but it's it's like it's very slight and you can go into obama land it's like it's combining obama and like a mid-Atlantic guy.
Right.
But not a hard, not a full-on man.
He doesn't do the full O,
just a pinch, and then he's also got kind of like an old person accent.
Of course.
He's very tricky.
Obama's got a little bit more baritone in there.
Jim Carrey.
I watched like a second of Jim Carrey's.
It's not horrible.
I thought it wasn't terrible.
It's hard to do Biden.
Yeah, but we'll find a good Biden guy one of these days.
They have eight white guys on SNL.
One of them can't do fucking.
I feel bad for people.
Victory.
That's really good.
That's as close as anyone's ever getting to.
That's really good, man.
A victory.
Damn, the stocks in the Trump comedy
industry are crashing.
A president that unites rather than divides.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
Rather than divides.
But that's a little southern.
Divide is a little southern.
It's not divide.
It's divides.
Divides.
Divides.
I don't know.
I watched a movie.
That's how he says it.
I watched the first half hour of a movie where Robert Duvall plays
an insane lawyer.
You gotta suck the dick down slow.
It was a weird movie.
You gotta get the dick hard and then you suck it down slow.
It was John Travolta played a fucking ambulance chasing guy.
And it was like him, Tony Shaloub, and
the guy from Boogie Nights whose wife cucks him so he fucking.
William H.
Macy.
Yes, William H.
Macy.
They were like lawyers together, and then some kids got cancer.
It was a fucking weird movie.
That sounds like a good law firm.
Not all the kids have cancer, only the ones that are slow.
It used to be everybody got cancer, and then we come around, and now it's only the retarded kids are getting cancer because they're slow.
I was watching, he's in Gone in 60 Seconds.
He plays like the old guy,
McCarthy, or whatever.
Hell yeah.
Really?
I got to see that movie.
Dude, it's so bad.
I can't wait.
It's really bad.
And they put on Lowrider, and Nicholas Cage is like, not yet.
And it just gets to like the buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
And he's like,
okay, let's roll.
Fuck you, dude.
Dude, that's crazy.
We all watched Nick.
I watched The Rock.
I watched Snake Eyes and then Port of Call.
I've been on a little Nick run recently.
Every movie should have him and Robert Duvall in it.
Well, I watched The Rock because I wanted to see some Sean.
You don't understand.
It's not just The President's men.
It's all of them.
It's all of the president's men.
The president has got men, and there's all of them.
It's not just one or two or three.
It's talking about every single one of the men that the president has.
There's our Willie is not free, and we're going to free him.
We're going to take there's a whale and we're going to free him.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, he was the trainer, wasn't he?
There's a whale I want to let
out of here.
You're right.
You can't let him go because he lives in the zoo.
Well, a whale belongs here in the zoo.
And if he gets out, won't know what to do with himself.
He'll try and go down there and fuck them all.
The whale will?
Yeah, I don't know.
The whale will try and get pussy from everyone.
Used to be, a whale couldn't get fucked.
Me and rap Barack Obama, we had a conversation where I said I,
fuck.
It's hard to go from Duvall to Biden.
He's close.
Because there's a little overlap.
Yeah, there's overlap with everybody.
It's called the English language.
Oh, no, there's not overlap.
What's the overlap between Robert Duvall and Michael Jackson?
There's a lot.
Yeah.
Well, they're Eskimo brothers.
Oh, yeah, they both got pussies.
Yeah, they're both from Presley.
What's her name?
It doesn't matter if your color is black or white.
You can't be any kind of color.
You can always be my baby.
That's not an awesome thing.
I can't do that.
You don't want to be a color.
You can always be my baby.
It doesn't matter if you're black or white.
Oh, I thought always be my baby.
Yeah, she also says that.
In a different one.
I'm trying to have sex for the first time.
The American people have spoken and they want to let me have sex
for the first time.
damn, dude.
I would, I am sexually attracted to Dr.
Jill, though.
I think she looks good.
I'm trying to get top mala from Kamala.
The first Italian.
Oh, yeah, you saw that picture of Kamala?
Absolutely, with her titties at it.
Who is she with Montel?
Montel.
Did Montel get pussy from the vice?
I don't think so.
I don't believe so.
With his glaucoma?
He doesn't have glaucoma.
He has some kind of muscular dystrophy, I think.
No, I thought
he's a weed advocate because of his glaucoma.
I believe he has some kind of body issue.
Dude, she looks so hot in that Montel Williams.
I should petition the government to fill the cabinet with only people I can sort of do impressions of.
That would be awesome.
Just for the sake of the show.
Yeah.
Like, who else?
Secretary of Labor,
Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Yeah.
Who put his dick in my ass?
We got Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
And he's going to be in charge of the jobs.
Secretary of the Interior, Jeff Goldblum.
And the interior is inside of his ass.
Inside of an eye.
Or a woman's.
Well, there's a department and no one knows what it is.
The interior, interior of what?
Your mind, your ass.
And we can go in there and make fun videos.
You can laugh, you can dance, you can sing.
I mean, I've got corny ideas, but
you'll think of something much better.
Oh, fuck, dude.
And out of the Department of Education, we got
Shakira.
I guess.
Sure.
Yeah.
Why the fuck not?
Housing and urban development.
She sounds like meatwad.
Yeah.
Shouts out to meatwad.
Yeah, he's got a back on the throat.
I like the idea of using whole episodes of the show to just work out one impression, getting kind of close and then getting drifting further and further apart.
No jokes, just the workshops.
That's what you guys are not paying for.
This is a free one.
Well, also, too, it's like most of the people that listen to the show, they're really funny, and they're going to have a future in comedy.
Well, especially the best ones that listen,
the ones we like to hear from the most.
They're all going to be successful comedians.
It's just they got to just keep getting drunk and DMing people about wanting to get into comedy.
Obviously, it's because of Corona.
Obviously, that's why
otherwise they'd be on Comedy Central.
We have no idea what we're talking about.
No.
You definitely.
It's the audience.
So a workshop kind of show.
And in fact, yeah, it would be good because then they can actually tell us their opinions.
Oh, they could just be shaking with rage seeing us miss after miss.
But we'll get some constructive feedback.
Yeah, we could get some notes.
I love the notes.
Oh, baby, running for my house.
You make my pussy go fast.
We wanted to see a show with Shakira.
Oh, yeah.
From the grave.
Yeah.
Who do you think I'm doing?
Oh, I thought that was Regis.
Oh, yeah, we went to see Shakira.
And I tell you, I thought she was black.
When we get there, she's maybe Italian.
It's just like the old days.
Back when the Italians were apes.
When I had to pretend I wasn't half Albanian.
Fucking
rest in piss.
Yeah, that's what I say.
To that fucking
scum.
That Balkan scum.
Although, R.I.P.
to the prince.
Alex Trebek.
He was Albanian?
No.
I'm mad that we did that riff about him after Sean Connery died and then he died.
And then he died.
Yeah.
Because that's going on.
It probably really hurt his feelings.
Oh, it hasn't gone up yet?
No.
Oh, that's hilarious.
Or maybe it has.
I have no idea.
We should make an official statement.
I have no idea what episodes you're.
Yeah, there's a computer that's deciding at random which episodes are going up.
We don't even, what we did was me, Nick, and Adam all talked for 10 hours separately, and an algorithm puts these together.
Now,
it's pretty nice.
We don't know what that is.
It's kind of a walk ever.
Yeah, so they got an algorithm.
Is that it?
Yeah, that's all right.
That's how you'd say, that's how you'd say.
Algorithm.
That's how you'd say algorithm.
The algorithm is good.
Yeah, you slurred it.
You know what it is?
He's almost completely, every instant, he's so close to just falling into being a dementia old guy.
Yeah.
And he's clawing back the beginnings of the words.
It's where it's like,
they got to find a perfect Biden.
Perfect, perfect.
There you go.
go
perfect victory perfect victory
joe we want joe algorithm perfect victory see that's the computer talking yeah that was a computer
we're doing a selling it is so funny i'm gonna find do biden word by word you should i'll get there i believe in you biden hunter
Hunter
I don't think he says the name in public.
He says my beautiful
son.
My beautiful son.
That was great.
He smokes crack.
Beautiful was great.
My beautiful son.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful son.
Kamala.
Vagina.
Kamala.
Kamala, doesn't it?
Kamala, vagina.
Vagina.
Is it Kamala?
Is it Kamala?
Oh, okay.
You fucking.
Presidential.
Presidential.
Presidential.
It's going to be so funny when she loses presidential because she has no swag despite being hot.
She loses to Don Jr.
I'm going to refill my coffee coffee here.
Go for it, man.
Go for it.
Isn't the coffee right there?
It's right across the table.
Yeah, we're working with a nice big cup, one of those boxes of Dunkin' donuts.
Nick let me off for the day.
He said, don't worry about it.
He sweets.
Don't worry, coffee, bitch.
We're going to make, we've got some dunk, a big box of jew.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
You fine piece of.
I miss working in an office that just catered things that didn't need to be catered.
Had a big fucking thing of Dunkin'.
Granola bars.
had a fucking espresso machine had cereal i just used to eat so much of
shouts out to fucking
shouts out to the old child porn child porn international yeah i remember i was i used to go to that office and some like fucking black lady when i was in the kitchen she's like excuse me do you work here
yeah yeah because you oh i'm sorry is this cereal coming out of your paycheck i know you have to like make sure that i'm she went on to have an affair with the boss i believe yeah that makes sense yeah that dude there was something about her, and you could tell she was going to do something.
No, there wasn't.
There was something, you could see it in her eyes, or maybe the area around it.
Her skin, I think, is what
it was in her skin.
Maybe it wasn't her.
They say, I don't have enough melanin to be black.
Well, I'll tell you, black is, it's not about the color of your skin palette, it's about whether or not you're going to use a certain word.
And I promise I will use the word every day that I'm present.
Not in public.
I'll wake up and I'll say it with a soft A
to my wife,
John.
What's her name?
Dr.
Jill.
Dr.
Phil.
My wife from the Dr.
Phil show.
Come over here and suck my penis, Joe.
Well, and I look over, a big joke in our house is I look over at my wife and I say, you are not the father, just like her from her TV show.
Now, why wouldn't you give me a head, Joe?
That's Dr.
Phil.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
Thank you.
Dr.
Phil tried to do like a Maury thing, and he would bring on like black couples, and he'd be like, Why are you not paying child support?
He's like,
we're married to each other.
And he's like, You got to stop being a deadbeat father and take care of your kids.
I'm a professor.
Yeah, but it's just.
I don't even know how we got on this show.
We're not sure.
You just answer now.
Well, I have the results right here.
Results for what?
And it's just
like that drawing of the racist cartoon, the black guy with the cell phone,
where all the words are like Gabba Gabba Big Sloane.
I don't know that one.
It's an old racist dude.
It was a picture they had.
It was to say you'd go online, go on 4chan, and you'd see the picture.
There's a guy with a big, yeah, big nose and lips.
Oh, I see.
That genre.
Is it similar to the racist Jewish one where it's the guy with a really big nose clasping his hands?
Yeah, they're.
I think
that one's been around.
This one.
Oh, wow, that's very racist.
That's quite racist.
It looks like that one's from an age where cell phones exist.
The moneylender one is, I think that's
centuries.
Sure.
I think that's from maybe the early 20th century.
I don't know.
It had a modern flair to it.
You think so?
Yeah, I think this is from Mad Magazine.
Back when they were so kooky.
What the fuck?
So Mad Magazine has nothing to do with Mad TV?
I mean, it's the same brand.
But there's a current
brands.
I love, which I love, something that I love.
Let me take a look here.
I'm really excited about
because she dreams.
Oh, don't tell me the fuck about it.
You know, what I could not stop thinking about today is
smokable CBD.
Oh, yeah.
It's really
high quality CBD.
Yeah, it's really been on my mind lately.
Yeah.
I really can't.
I'm so excited about.
And me too, by the way.
I'm at the same level as you.
Yeah, but I've been feeling that way, too.
Oh, about
Smoke Will Flower.
California.
California and Oregon.
Yeah.
Lab.
And Lab.
My favorite part is that it's lab.
A lot of people have Georgia on their mind.
A lot of people have Georgia on their mind for racist reasons.
Victory.
A victory.
A victory.
Joe.
How long are you smoke some CBD out of my ass?
Georgia.
Georgia.
Georgia.
Georgia.
Sounds a little drunk.
It's good.
You need a little piece of that.
No, he doesn't drink, dude.
It's his stutter.
Yeah, it's his stutter.
It's his stutter.
He got mad at his boys for getting drunk at his bachelor party.
Are you fucking serious?
Yeah, he's a herb.
What?
He's not, yeah.
In like the drinks.
60s, yeah.
Did he ever do drugs?
Well, I don't think he likes them getting too
throat.
That's why Hunter was.
Cussed James is one of the best.
That's why Hunter was.
Cussed Dreams is one of the best ways to...
When I smoke it, I feel...
They say there's no drugs now, but I get so fucked up.
I can't read.
I can't think.
Dude, I'm just twisted.
Really?
I get absolutely twisted off smoke.
I'm a little bit cool CBD from Cushy Dreams.
Fuck.
Chill out, dude.
Whoa, damn.
I'm on a different planet right now.
Yeah, dude, we can see it.
I can't even fucking...
I can't, I can't even probably get a job without it.
Put your balls back into your onesie.
I probably can't even get a job without some kind of form being filled out by the steak.
So, yeah.
Wait, let's...
The joke is that...
Cushy Dreams makes you so good it makes you retarded.
No, it's that a retarded guy is smoking CBD and pretending to be high and serious.
No, no, yeah, no, I'm not retarded.
I'm I'm high
No, it's sweet.
No, I'm just high off fucking weed.
And everyone's like, this is actually high-quality cushy dreams.
It does no THC in it.
I'm just high.
Bucket A, B, C.
That's all I got.
I can't.
You lost me on that one.
It's because of the guns.
It's a mess up of guns.
Because if he smoked, you know, if he smoked full power weed, then it's like then he would be, you know,
come all the way back around to Elon Musk.
That's right, that's right.
The smartest man.
That's what Flowers of Algernon is about.
A fucking retarded guy who smokes weed.
I actually have Down syndrome.
And I smoked so much weed that I went past being retarded all the way to being
a millionaire genius.
Is he a genius?
No.
Oh, right.
He's incredibly smart.
Well, I don't know if he's
stupid, but.
Hey, I'm smarter than him.
Yeah.
Elon.
I'm smarter than that guy.
That guy that's life is much better than mine.
I certainly am not just figuring out a way to construct an alternate reality in which I'm doing better than him.
Hey, man.
I honestly, his life sounds worse than mine, honestly.
In terms of all the work you'd have to do.
We come here, we barely do any bullshit.
We barely work.
Yeah, my job doesn't end, dude.
I like take the files.
I go through every syllable.
That's true.
I listen to the Biden impression over and over again.
I mean, a lot of people, they really don't, they think I don't work at all.
You sit in your apartment for hours saying the word victory over and over again.
A victory.
And see, and take to get yourself to that.
Was that you or Biden?
That was me.
Wow.
That's awesome.
That sounded like Biden.
And it fell apart after that.
But
that was the best one.
A victory.
That's really good.
Yeah.
And you know, a victory.
You know, it would be a really big victory.
It's not close when I do it now.
I don't know what it is.
There's something.
You had it in the ether.
A victory.
Pretty good.
Better?
Yeah.
A victory.
A victory.
Too much, old man, the last one.
A victory.
It's good.
A victory.
Am I there?
Yeah.
You know, it would be a really big.
Smokeable flour.
That's right.
You know, it would be a really big victory.
Would be to go to cushydreams.com.
I'm going going to read
the ingredients to this shit.
K-U-S-H-Ydreams.com.
Put in the promo code COMETOWN and get 20% off your first order or any order.
Maybe first.
The point is, if you want to smoke your CBD,
smoke your
CBD because you can.
Victory.
And that's a really big victory.
A victory.
Victory.
A victory.
Where the fuck is the copy?
Here we go.
All right.
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I love that joke.
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I'm not a baby.
I'm not a fucking little bitch.
I want to smoke my CBD.
The primary talking points
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Which you want to ban.
And feels like high-quality marijuana.
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CBD content is up to 20%,
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Sale is noticeable on her beautiful flower.
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cabinet.
Cabinet Secretary of State Urban Affairs.
Utah.
Do not get you high.
Housing and urban development.
Robin Williams' black preacher character.
Independent lab testing.
So that's Nick Nalty.
Nice.
Independent lab testing shows a compliance and purity.
It's going to California and fucking Oregon.
Each plant is hand selected by a group of
a whole bunch of
scientists
cannabis flower experts.
Yeah, I was trying to dial in Nulty, too.
That's good.
The other night.
Bouncing back and forth between Nulty and North.
Nulty and Biden?
Because you do.
Nulty gives you a little bit of rasp.
Get you in the Biden zone.
I was his lawyer.
I defended him after he
fucked me in the ass.
Oh, you defended him against yourself that's cape the cape fear where he okay yeah he was uh i was a public defender of sanda's case but i was also the victim he fucked me in my ass wow wait is that what happens in cape fear yeah yes yeah uh counselor you were supposed to present represent me counselor And just because I fucked you in the ass.
He was both the victim and the attorney.
What was I supposed to do?
He fucked me in the ass.
That's not how the law works.
Wouldn't he?
Wouldn't they resist the
That's exactly what happened.
Nick Nolty is, yeah, what's his name?
Robert De Niro rapes a girl, and Nick Nolty
is his public defender, and he suppresses evidence that the girl was promiscuous
because, like, you know, he beat him up, or she beat the girl up so bad.
So Max Cady does 15 years in jail, and then he gets out, and he wants revenge on the prosecutor because he spent his time in the jail.
But he did rape her, didn't he?
Yeah, he did.
Oh, so who cares?
Yeah.
And Nick Nolty,
I mean, he just didn't do his job right.
I see.
So then Robert Ze Niro goes to jail for 30 years.
How can I fight you?
Practicing his
smoke CBD weed you.
Yeah.
He practices the southern accent for 30 years and reads books and he gets troll-ups, right?
I got three lines: private reserve, ultra premium, and a premium.
That's awesome.
Every can size is
three and a half grams.
You're gonna make nitrogen sealed out of the sea.
no, fuck it.
No, but it says fucking shit out of your fucking piece of shit.
It's like mostly what that movie is.
And then he's cheating on his wife, too.
Oh, nice.
And then, so Robert De Niro rapes the woman that he's cheating on his wife and bites off a piece of her face.
What the fuck?
Yeah, it's pretty.
I wouldn't say it's badass.
I would say it's
gonna find out I was having an affair.
Oh, so that's a perfect crime.
He doesn't go to the goddamn.
Who's the wife in that?
It's Jane Fonda.
That sounds right.
How many movies was she in?
I know her mostly as doing exercise.
All dogs go to heaven.
All dogs go to heaven.
And being like anti-Vietnam.
That's her two claims to fame.
Someone told me a very perfect crime recently.
Hit me with that.
It's like a kind of a dorm room prank, right?
But yeah, hold on.
Oh, yeah, promo code.
Yeah, we focusing on doing our goddamn job?
I thought we did that.
We didn't do it.
We didn't finish a fucking job.
We didn't finish a fucking job.
Every pre-roll is one gram.
Just pay the fucking promo.
Just say the code.
I'm trying to find it.
Promo code COMTOWN for 20%.
That's right.
CushyDreams.com.
All right, cash.
Relax!
Anytime hybrid.
I do fuck with, I honestly do literally fuck with cushy drinks.
I do be smoking that CBD I like the hustle
I got you I'm actually fucked up on weed is not I I can I speak fine
a victory
algorithm what's the perfect crime Adam?
Oh uh it's kind of like a dorm room prank you piss in a cookie sheet
like and then you freeze it
and then you slide it underneath someone's door.
That is pretty good.
And then it melts into a puddle.
I wouldn't say it's a perfect crime because you get caught still.
Well, you can't get caught because you didn't open the door.
You know.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, it's like that riddle where someone kills themselves with an icicle, right?
But then it melts.
Or someone stabs someone with an icicle.
I remember one, there was one day.
I didn't know that riddle.
Me and Dana were hanging out like
this was 10 years ago, probably.
And I was just like brutally hung over.
Hell yeah.
And just like her
apartment at the time, they had some like sunroom.
I forget
it was a nice day.
Just like I couldn't move.
Right.
And then just eating croissants in the sunroom.
And I guess she started looking up riddles on her phone.
I don't know where that came from.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But one of them was:
what's a crime you can get arrested for attempting but not completing or committing?
Suicide, right?
Well, that was the answer, but someone had responded, killing every police officer.
That's really good.
This is a much better answer.
Yeah, that's a much better answer.
Wait, you can't get arrested for attempting suicide.
Yeah, you can.
What?
No, you can't.
Adam has riddles memorized, just in case.
Stay capitals are riddles.
Stay capitals, let's go.
The little stinker personality kit.
It's the worst kind of person to be.
Yeah, we agree.
But how would you get arrested for committing social media?
I'm going to do that.
I'm going to put a book together called The Little Stinker Personality Kit.
Oh, I have so much to contribute to
Capital.
Yeah.
I have so much to contribute.
The Adam book.
I watched
Bright Lights Big City the other night.
What's that about?
That guy reminds me of you, Adam.
Michael J.
Fox, his character.
Yeah.
What's Bright Lights Big City about?
It's about a guy that's kind of like a loser.
He's just doing cocaine all the time and lives in New York, and he's got a bunch of cool friends.
Oh, that's.
how big is his dick?
But it's like really small.
He's dating a model and she leaves him.
Oh, that is like man.
And then he can't deal with it.
Is that really the movie?
Yeah.
And he fancies himself a writer, but he doesn't write it.
He's illiterate.
He never gets any writing done.
Sounds pretty much like.
He never gets any writing done.
He just sits in his apartment and then goes out and does cocaine.
That sounds pretty good.
That sounds good.
And then at the end of the movie, he gets drunk and embarrasses himself, and then just like while still fucked up, cruises along the west side and pretends like there's some voiceover indicating that his writer's block is gone.
But the things he's saying are like incredibly trite and bad and
really just terrible writing.
This is Michael J.
Fox.
Yeah, it's probably the worst writing in the movie.
It's like that closing
internal monologue of Michael John Fox.
It's supposed to be bad?
While he eats Brett?
No.
It's supposed to have someone.
It's yet another triumphant movie.
It's
yet another self-centered kind of boomer movie.
Yeah.
But there's like a slight self-awareness.
I mean, it's tragic.
You know, so it's not like Big Chill where you don't really give a shit about that guy who died.
Yeah.
I saw The Pope of Greenwich Village, which is a pretty funny movie.
It's pretty, like, it seems like.
Hey, everybody, it's me, the Pope.
It's here I come.
You're a saint.
You're a saint.
Angel wings for everybody.
We're all going to wear a wing
and fuck each other in the ass.
That sounds like heavenly.
Welcome to Vatican 3.
It's Mickey Rourke before his...
What did he do?
Get plastic surgery?
Yeah, a lot.
Dude, he was like a...
He was so cute.
He was a cute guy.
Yeah, he was handsome.
And his voice was like...
His voice was really like kind of high-pitched.
He's a totally different guy.
Yeah, his voice was
It really fucked me up seeing him.
Yeah, and Diner, he's really cute.
He's really cute.
And he has like a really like soft, like higher-pitched voice.
But the Pope of Greenwich Village is...
So the guy,
what is it?
Eric Roberts, you guys know that movie?
Yeah, Julie Roberts' brother.
Is that really your brother?
Yeah.
The guy who played the mobster in the Dark Knight?
Yeah.
So he's young as fuck, and they gave him like a jerry curl to look Italian.
Cool.
And Mickey Rourke also plays Italian.
But the movie makes no sense because they act like mobsters, but they're just fucking unemployed, you know, dagos.
Well, I'll tell you what they can do is they can put on a pair of Mac Weldon underwear.
Oh, really?
They can go ahead and put on a pair of Mac Walden underwear.
Underwear.
Yeah, underwear.
Underwear.
Underwear.
You used to wear underwear on the outside of your pants, and they called it overalls.
And it was big and blue and made out of jeans.
And then they got rid of that because it was racist.
Interesting.
And they said it was racist.
Mark, I wrote the 1994 crumb bell on the inside of a pair of dungarees
and shit.
Back then, we didn't have pens.
You had to write everything in your pants.
You had to let a turd poke out of your asshole and write
just a little bit like a mechanical pencil.
They used to call me Scrolling Joe Crazy Pants because I had an asshole like a mechanical pencil.
Basically, you'd put a cock in my mouth and click down a couple of notches.
The turd would come out of my ass.
So the cock would push the turd out for your good visual.
We all remember the game you'd play, take a mechanical pencil, you press it out all the way, you put it on your arm and hold the eraser, pretend like you were doing drugs.
But the difference was, I was doing drugs for real.
I was in third grade shooting dope.
Oh, really?
I was the first guy.
I took it from the Chinese.
It was opium back.
I was the first guy in Delaware
in Scranton.
In Scranton, Delaware,
doing Chinese opium.
Now, let me ask you: why was it a cock?
Why didn't you put like a popsicle
in a opium?
Opium.
Opium.
Interesting.
Opium.
What does he sound like?
So, why is he so elusive?
So, Joe, when you were shitting in your pants,
where is Joe?
When you were shitting in in your pants, did you have special underwear?
You'll get it, buddy.
Why can't you fucking do this?
No, stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
It's God.
It's because you're gay.
No, that's not it.
Yes, dude.
What's up?
What's up?
Mac Weldon underwear is the only underwear that you can wear
all the way to the bank.
All the way to the bank.
You can't get all the way to the bank.
A pair of
underwear you can wear all the way to the bank.
Yes, sir.
This is going to be the next four years of this podcast.
All right.
Trying to get closer.
I feel like I finally know how to do Trump now that he's almost gone.
Wow, dude.
Trump wasn't an easy one.
He is.
He's very easy.
People thought
he's hard to get
at the 11th hour.
At the 11th hour, there there was one guy that did a really good one that
you know plenty of guys there's plenty of guys that do imperfect
impression but i for whatever reason i could never do him
yeah i guess there are a couple there's a i couldn't do it tony guy he's difficult he's very tricky for me it wasn't easy
but that's like more like younger trump i feel like
There's like an old guy element to his voice.
Look, the thing is, when you put the underwear in your pussy and in your asshole it feels awesome you gotta put the underwear on your fucking pussy
yeah just just go ahead and put the underwear in your pussy
ah hell just go ahead and put it just ball it up put it in your pussy you'll feel fresher than a daisy we guarantee that's the mac welding guarantee either good for wearing they're also good for keeping your pussy dry or if you're trans and you don't have a dildo handy you could ball up a pair of Mac Weldons, put them in your new pussy, keep it nice and open.
They're antimicrobial.
They're antimicrobial, so they're not going to smell bad.
No one's going to caulk your office if you have Mac Weldon stuffed up your new pussy.
Their silver line of underwear is antimicrobial.
And that's free silver, too.
And if times are tough, you can fucking melt the underwear down and get the silver and sell that.
Yeah,
silver is the new standard.
When I got HIV, I knew I had to get special underwear and make sure that
I didn't transmit the virus to any of the women I was having unprotected sex with.
Charlie.
I didn't know Mac Weldon was going to stop AIDS from spreading.
Tiger blood.
We're not positive about that, but it's a good chance that Mac Weldon stops AIDS.
Not sure.
That's not one of the selling points, but
probably.
How about me, Indian Guy?
I'm one of the boss births
is Indian Guy
all the way from
downtown India
coming at you all the way live.
What do you think of Mac Weldon's?
I cannot wait to wear it with my pair of sandals.
The pair of sandals.
So, just underwear and a pair of sandals.
Oh my god, I can't wait to wear it to the doctor's office.
Wow.
Do I can't wait to
be in the Apple commercial?
My name is Brazid and I learned English.
Brazid.
Jeff Goldman.
I learned all my English.
So Brajit, the Indian guy that talks with
Prisheut.
Prisheet.
I
can't wait to shop English of mine.
They believe in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.
That's awesome.
Your experience, how easy it was.
How great a product is.
Mac World and is the most comfortable underwear, success underwear position swear fans underwear.
Wow.
They want you to be comfortable, so if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it, and they'll still refund you.
No questions asked.
Hell yeah.
Not only does it look good, it performs well too.
It's good for working out, going to work, going on dates, just everyday life.
Getting pussy.
Personal experience must include the host's personal experience with the product.
For example, what did you buy?
How easy was it to use a website?
Which project is your favorite and why?
What kind of activities did you do while wearing your new Mac Walden clothing?
Let me stop you there.
Nick got his ass fucked while wearing the hood.
He was wearing them, though.
That's not fucking true.
It's a fucking lie.
Yes, it is.
Nick, Nicholas Pentaliano.
Yeah, Joey Underpants here.
Joey Underpants Liano.
Joey Underpants Leano.
That's good.
You know, growing up in Newark, everybody was gay.
Uh-huh.
You had to wear a scarf down the corner to get to have gay sex with guys.
Really?
I watched some interview with him.
You sent me that, though.
It was about the
talking about the Matrix, and he's like, you know, I didn't understand the movie at all.
Just had no idea what was going on.
Oh, you sent me another one.
First of all, he dresses hysterical now.
All actors do.
He's like a backwards Kangol guy, no?
No, he's gone to the the next level.
He's wearing like weird bowlers and like
purple steampunk.
Sort of, yeah.
I'll tell you what, I went to MacWalton because they, and I got the, I just wear their, like, their daily jerseys.
They got nice underwear, though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was looking.
Yeah, Nick's wearing them right now.
His cock looks huge.
Hey, wait a second.
He's taking them off.
His dick is.
You can't even see it.
So there's so many about MacWell.
It's barely a dick now.
But hold on.
He's putting them back on.
Massive.
Wow.
Juicy.
My ass is drooling thinking about that thing.
So that's the kind of thing.
And we're so nice, it starves gay now.
And if that isn't a personal experience testimonial,
I don't know what is.
If you've never heard of something,
if you've
was it Brando?
Yeah, you have to, yes.
Did you watch that Connie Chung interview?
I thought that was a bit of a shot.
Did you watch your mouth
speaking?
Damn, he got your ass.
Marlon Brando got your ass.
I was about to say something.
We should do that, Jerry.
I'm trying to share my personal experience.
We should do that in between us.
For 20% off your first order, visit Macworld.com and enter promo code ComeTown20.
I love it.
I love that.
ComeTown20.
Yeah, if you don't like the underwear, you can complain and they'll refund you.
You can keep the underwear.
No question.
I might go fucking buy some underwear.
I was nice, dude.
Honestly, I've been trying to get more, but
they've like, I guess, had some kind of stock shortage thing.
I was looking for new sweatpants, and I went on a list of best sweatpants, and Mac Weldon's consistently on all of those lists.
Wow.
I have to say.
You hear that, folks?
Yeah.
Don't listen to me.
Listen to Jennifer.
So you weren't looking for a dress to wear?
No, I wasn't looking for a dress.
I was looking for a dress.
It was a gift.
It was for a gift.
Wow.
It was for a gift.
so you're getting sweatpants for somebody, but you were looking for dresses for yourself.
He was looking for a dress to wear to the bathroom.
Yep.
Getting all doled up to go to the bathroom.
Adam putting on lipstick, doing his nails.
You should have seen it.
You should have seen it.
It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
You know how he is.
He goes in there and he kisses guys.
He kisses guys.
You should see the way he kisses him.
What is Cosby drum?
I don't know.
I'm so far gone.
Victory.
Victory.
So, yeah, go
promo code Comtown20.
Victory.
Honestly, you're right.
That sounds like straight up Joe Biden.
Yeah.
But yeah, the Pope of Greenwich Village.
First of all,
Eric Roberts...
His plays it so over the top, it's hilarious.
But also, Mickey Rourg is just a deadbeat, unemployed Italian man.
I'll be right right back.
That's fine.
I'm talking about the Pope of Grange Village.
Well, we'll continue.
Have you seen the Pope of Grange Village?
No, I haven't.
So he's just a fucking, he has no job.
He's got a kid already that he doesn't pay for.
He's in debt.
He says he claims that he has two shy locks to feed, which I don't know exactly what that means.
I think it's a money lender.
I think exactly.
He owes money.
So he's got two shies to feed.
But yeah, Eric Roberts is like his fucking cousin who always who gets him fired and always fucks his life up oh he's a bad cousin yeah Paulie
and
and
who made it I don't know it's a fun movie but
it's kind of fucking stupid but it was a fun watch but anyway he's he gets Daryl Hanna pregnant oh and a hot piece of ace if I do say so myself and she's like he gets fired and she's like why don't we just I could pick up some extra shifts you could get a job as a waiter he's like I'm not gonna be be no fucking waiter.
He's like, what the fuck do I look like being a fucking waiter?
And she leaves him and he hits her and then she leaves him.
And
he basically chooses this woman who loves him and is willing to do anything.
He chooses to instead just hang around Greenwich Village with his stupid fucking
cousin who almost gets them killed by and have to fight the mafia.
He has to like fight a mob boss instead of just having an honest life with a hot-ass woman.
And it basically reads like anti-Italian propaganda.
Like it reads, he's supposed to be sympathetic, but he's just a real big piece of shit.
But I guess that is the Italian way.
If you had your choice between a beautiful, blonde,
you know,
wasp
or to kiss your male cousin on the lip.
It's crazy.
I just went to the bathroom and while I was in there,
you're Mac Weldon.
No, I thought about my book at Dottie.
it just popped into my head.
I started thinking about it.
Really?
The sports betting website.
That's awesome.
I was actually just thinking about that too, and how I would love a good place to continue to bet and win a lot of money.
You see that guy that lost $27,000 betting on the election at mybookie.ag and he like sent the customer service an email demanding a refund because of the election.
Cheating?
Because it was cheating.
That's awesome.
I hope he does not get it.
because that's just a bad beat, and you got to take that, brother.
Yeah, that's funny.
That's actually the first guy I ever heard of in my life losing money on mybookie.8.
Yeah, he's probably pretty much the only person.
It's basically the only person.
Yeah.
Because this is a website that you bet your money and you will always win.
Guaranteed.
You will never lose.
You'll always make money.
You'll always make money.
In the long run, if you're smart, you'll always make money.
Unless you bet
on Donald Trump winning.
That's true.
Which, everybody keeps messaging me.
I can't find the hat.
Adam, did you take the hat back?
No, it's at your house.
Wait, what was it?
Literally not.
What was the
hat?
I'm going to eat that hat.
I said Biden was going to win.
I said Biden will win.
And he said if he does.
That's what you said you would do.
I'll eat my hat.
And then he said he described the hat that he remember.
I remember exactly.
I remember that hat.
Which, Adam, why don't you tell the story about how you got that hat?
How did I I get it?
Oh,
I was a truck PA for an indie film, and someone left it in the truck
when I moved to New York.
Yeah, that's what it was.
What do you think it was?
You didn't take it from your friend from
Norway?
No, I don't know anyone.
Yeah, you did, dude.
You absolutely did.
You told me you did.
You fucking stole that hat from somebody else.
Well,
to be fair, Nick, two wrongs don't make a right.
You don't get to steal from Adam because he stole from some Norwegian poor fucking Mamaluke that trusted Adam.
You stole from your own friend.
But to be fair, Nick, that makes you no better than Adam.
Yeah, you stole from your friend.
You stole from your friend.
From your best friend and husband.
Well, I'm going to eat the hat.
You got to swear to eat.
You're not going to eat the hat.
I would if it was still in my closet.
I don't want to eat the hat.
I want the hat.
That's why I'm going to eat it.
We could share the hat.
That's why I'm eating it.
You got to find a deal that benefits everybody yep that does it everybody benefits me for sure everybody gets a a piece of the hat we're going to cut it up and we're all going to eat it i wonder what kind of odds my bookie is putting on donald trump winning 2024 that would be that's smart money that's a fun hundred bucks to throw down and forget about
a little little uh grover cleveland actions yeah but the thing people don't remember about that election is that uh grover cleveland went up against teddy roosevelt chester a arthur and Chester A.
Arthur was gay.
I thought Teddy Roosevelt split the vote or something.
Or no, wait, that's the other, the fat motherfucker.
I don't know.
Who cares?
Now that Alex Trebek is dead, there's no reason to know.
No reason to know Trivia will never be.
Why don't they give us Jeopardy?
Wait, was Chester gay for real?
One of them was gay.
I thought some guy named Pierce was gay.
Buster A.
Franklin Pierce.
Buster.
Buster A.
Chester.
One of them had like one of his boys in the White House.
Everyone says they fucked him in the ass.
That's awesome.
There is one gay president for sure.
Yeah, Barack O'Connell.
Walt Whitman.
No, he was.
Walt Whitman was a gay president.
He was a pedophile.
No, he was just a pedophile who went to like a fucking cabin and everyone fucking was like, ooh, big fucking deal.
First of all, all of life was living in a fucking cabin.
What I did know is that Trump's the only president to ever be impeached, lose the popular vote, and only serve one term ever.
Nice.
Which, that was awesome.
That makes sense.
Dude, he hit the trifecta, baby.
I mean, that makes you like, imagine fucking up every aspect of becoming president and still being.
Beating Hillary Clinton.
I still did it.
I did it.
She's a cunt.
I don't want to say, I didn't say it.
I didn't say it.
I didn't even say that she was a cunt, but she is.
It's fun seeing he ate better than that.
Hillary ate more shit.
My book.
That's why it is fun.
Mybookie.ag.
My bookie.ag.
What could I say about my bookie.agie?
Without having the copy directly in front of me.
So much, honestly, that it doesn't even
hard to start.
Let me count the ways.
Yes.
Christopher.
Christopher, Mr.
Secretary of State.
You know, your pot eggplant.
I love this guy.
What is he?
Fucking chat.
What are you, Chinese?
Yeah, that's very...
It's funny that you'd say that to me, sitting there knowing full well that you're Chinese.
That's his comeback.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm part black.
Well,
whatever your race is, is actually
Jewish and Chinese.
So maybe you can tell me where your son Clarence is.
So he thinks that Dennis Hopper is Jewish and Chinese.
Oh, I'm black?
Well, you're fucking...
You're a piece of shit is what you are, pal.
Jewish and Chinese,
there's a lot of that combo running around.
Oh, yeah, those guys are coming up heavy right now.
Guys, I'm not worried about the guys.
I mean, those people.
Fucking dude.
Adam hears anything, and he's like, well, guys.
I'm talking.
That is lazy, man.
That is lazy.
Well, you know what?
It's really good.
That is very good.
That's the whole point of the show.
It's very funny.
Sometimes those are the people who are.
Eventually, the lazy.
And that one really
rocked.
funny.
Let's hear more about how I'm lazy.
No, I'm lazier.
Let's hear more about how I'm not doing my job.
You're right, dude.
I'm not pulling my weight.
I'm pulling my weight.
You're right, dude.
I'm definitely dragging the show down.
I'm not dragging the weight overall.
I definitely fucking contribute absolutely nothing to this.
I say, guys, and then you can.
All I ask of you
is once every four years, I take a hat
and then eat it to produce further content for this show.
So, even my act of
parasitic nature is ultimately something beneficial to the group.
From where I'm standing, as a guy who doesn't own the hat in any way, shape, or form, Nick eating the hat is a big boon to me.
That's the national.
So, in some ways, he takes it from Adam to give to me.
And Ringo always kept the time.
Okay, he never beat out of time.
It's time to have gay sex.
It's time to pay attention.
I'm looking at the watch right now.
It's time to pull your dick out.
It's time to pull your dick out.
A lot of people.
What's that line and fucking wrongfully accused?
It's just like the Beatles said.
She loves me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Beatles said it the best.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She loves me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The line where the watch.
It's a new season.
Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.
Yeah.
He's on the Bucs.
He's on the Bucs.
They lost big.
What are they named after?
Dollar Bills?
Oh, that's my favorite team.
Actually, it's short for Buccaneers.
What?
Is there a team called the Dollars?
I don't know if I can like football anymore.
Him being shocked that it's the Buccaneers.
I thought it meant the Dollars.
Yeah, I don't.
You're doing an annoying guy.
It's a Chinese guy.
No, it's a Chinese guy.
He's one of your guys.
Half of the Jewish FBI.
Those guys are coming up.
Fucking
are coming up.
Dennis Hopper in True Romance.
But to my point is, because I'm straight, I'm saying I like that combo of half Jewish, half Chinese girl.
It's hot.
I haven't seen Clarence in years.
Last time I saw him, we were getting low main lots of girls.
Last time Clarence was here, we got low main, and then we ate a couple of pennies.
And I sent him on his way after taking the pennies back.
After taking them out of his shit.
Clarence shows up here three weeks ago, says I need 32 cents.
I got my chopsticks out and pulled them out of my coin purse, handed it over to him.
That was the last I saw Clarence.
That music.
So you know, you're part eggplant.
I love this guy.
Way, way,
penis.
Use promo code ComeTown to suck my penis.
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Visit MyBookieOnline today.
That's M-Y-B-O-O-K-I-E.
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Wait, is it mybookie.online now?
No, it's MyBookieOnline.
Oh.
Go online to MyBookie.
Yeah, you can find them.
They definitely owned that Donald Trump supporter.
Oh, yeah.
He got fucking owned.
Big time time owned.
It'll be kind of funny watching the alt-right turn into like resistance libs?
Well, yeah, basically
the screaming woman at the inauguration.
Somebody
photoshopped like a MAGA hat on that woman, and that Ian Miles Chingchong guy retweeted it, and he was like, it's so sad that the right has to photoshop pictures of the left to express their point.
And it's like, yeah, that's because it's like,
it hasn't happened.
We're going to, we'll have that lady.
Of course, dude.
That lady's going to happen.
She's coming.
Yeah.
Although that initial lady was so good.
Even when like you're pissed that he won.
Here's the thing, too.
This is all, it's all just bullshit anyways.
It's not like really about fucking politics for most people.
So just jump ship.
Just pretend like, oh, of course I vote for Biden.
If you're a Trump guy, just pretend you voted for Biden and you wanted him to win.
That's what winners do.
You know who would do that?
Donald Trump.
For sure.
100%.
You want to be more like Trump?
The most Trump thing Trump could do right now is be like, I voted for Biden.
I said he was going to win the Biden.
I told you so.
I was the one saying it.
Of course, I got these people around me.
They say, oh, we got to keep our jobs.
I don't.
I'm rich.
I'm rich.
I'm ready for Trump News Network, dude.
Yeah.
TNN.
It's going to be sick.
I'm ready for him to be a judge on Dancing with the Sars.
Just call the women pigs
you look like an absolute pig
yeah
what's yeah I mean
it I went from feeling like oh Joe Biden if he doesn't get like 90% it's a it's a fail to now thinking that
It's the most logical conclusion in terms of narrative to have
like a mentally enfeebled man beat Donald Trump after these last four years.
To literally have America say, we're going to choose a more retarded guy.
It's very funny.
It's very funny.
I know.
Plus, Kamal, let's not forget.
She's out there.
She's out there with her family.
I'm not the first person to give pussy in this office, and I'm not going to be the last.
That guy, Doug, though.
I may be the first person to make a pussy fart into the microphone,
but I will not be the last.
Yep.
Nope, she put those pussy farts.
And this is for everyone who thought they were going to be here and didn't make it.
And she puts the microphone down towards her pussy.
And then just see a sea of women in blue.
I'm still with her shirts like, yeah.
Because you know, that's my pussy farting.
We're people.
Yes.
Were people in Astoria celebrating Donald Trump's defeat?
Yeah, big time.
They were people out on the streets.
I mean, not as much as Brooklyn, but yeah.
It was popping off, dude.
Even the white ladies here were
stoked.
Oh, yeah.
They were really happy.
I bet you a lot of guys got pussy they didn't deserve on election.
People were taking shots on the street
around the corner from me.
They were very happy about it.
I bet you the pussy was flowing like fucking wine, dude.
Mm-hmm.
But I was feeling a little under the weather.
I didn't get pussy out of respect for our president.
Donald Trump?
I'm not going to fuck until
January 20th.
The movie I I was in came out finally.
It did?
D-O-D?
The beginning and end of my acting career.
No, dude.
You'll get some fun.
You're a good actor.
I don't know about that, but it definitely is fun.
I can see why people like acting.
I guess I can talk about it now that the movie's out.
Yeah.
Because it's like they're not going to, I mean, movie theaters are canceled.
Yeah, that sucks.
It really sucks.
The way the movie you were in is rolled out is very little.
Well, I mean, I'm barely in.
I have like one or two.
Yeah, but you would have have gone to like the premiere and shit.
I did.
It was in Toronto.
I went up to the festival.
The TIFF, yeah.
But it's crazy because, like, you know, oh, it's nice that I can finally talk about this thing.
Because it was really, it was, yeah, it was so much fun.
Because, like, working in production, when you're on the truck or whatever, and everyone's like, yeah, can you lick my asshole?
And you're like, I don't know.
My tongue's still dry from having to get all the dust off the lenses with it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whatever bullshit I had to do.
Which I'm exaggerating it wasn't that bad yeah we can't
can you not can you not double park the truck in a fire lane I'm like
just because I'm some fucking I'm the lowest guy on the ladder huh yeah yeah they're like no I'm a disabled I don't work here I'm a disabled person trying to get into I'm a disabled firefighter I need the hydration but really though yeah when you're like acting and a thing there's everybody just kisses your ass yeah when your talent well yeah because they have well they have they have to call you that it has to be built into your job title that you're good at that your talent
Because, like, the people that are very good at it are such
temperamental fucking psychos that you know.
I know, it is really funny.
Yeah.
They have to, you, like, just like to make sure that you don't have a meltdown and ruin the whole day for everybody.
Right, right, right.
It's like a fucking,
yeah, it's like built in.
Yeah, no, it's like being a baby.
Yeah.
It's like you get to go be a baby for a day.
Totally.
And it's not hard.
Like, it's, it's, it's hard.
It's hard to say words.
Like, it is hard to get good at acting, whatever.
But in terms of physically taxing, like you're just acting some shit out.
I mean, I guess if you're the star or something, that's hard.
But if you just pop in for like a fucking scene, that's awesome, dude.
Yeah, I think it's a pretty cool gig.
Yeah, I really wanted to now after doing that, I was like, man, if I could just be the guy at the beginning of every SVU that's like, I tell you, I'd take the trash out next week.
Yeah.
What the hell is this?
A dead baby?
Hey, Mikey, get over here.
I think this woman's been raped to death in the elevator.
The first one.
Yeah, there's a woman's pussy all ground up in the elevator gears.
Hey, what the hell is this?
I wanted a hot dog, not a guy's cock that got chopped off.
Yeah, let me get a number two with the sausage.
What the fuck is this?
It's a woman's breast flattened out with calm all over it from a suspect.
That's the thing, Elliot.
They went to get a sandwich, and what they got instead was a little girl's pussy.
Someone's going around all the sandwich shops in Staten Island, changing all the sandwiches, the little girl's pussies.
Changing them all.
Somebody done fucked me in my ass.
My fellow Americans, the Moojah Hadeen have fucked me in my ass.
The Muza Hadeen, the Mugah Hadeen fucked me in my ass.
The Mujahideen have fucked me in my ass.
The Mujahideen have fucked me in my ass.
That's honestly my favorite fucking thing ever.
MyBookie.ag promo code ComeTown
for something where they match up to like a thousand bucks or something.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, it changes.
It's pretty cool, man.
It's a good deal.
It changes every time.
It's not the same thing.
Oh, also, I should say the show in Connecticut got canceled.
The show in Connecticut's canceled.
We'll just bang out all the plugs.
Come.town for shirts.
If you want, this podcast, our host, is now doing a little switcheroo.
Sometimes the episode is gone, or the podcast is inaccessible for a week.
Was it a week?
I thought it was like two days.
It was like four days.
But
yeah, because they're good guys.
Like, we do it with Shout Engine, and I like them.
But them is like four people, I think.
Right.
So when, like, big shit like that happens and they're inundated with like messages, there's, you know,
you just have to wait until it gets fixed.
But otherwise, yeah.
Yeah, also, by the way.
Oh, yeah.
No, yeah.
So if you want...
If this show ever goes down again, the Patreon has a whole backlog.
Yep.
Because it was really wild.
People are like, I'm trying to listen to old episodes.
I'm like, what?
This is probably the nicest weather I've seen in my entire life.
Yeah, if you were on the East Coast and you messaged us about it being down, go outside.
I mean, times are tough, bro.
You got to change your shit around.
Your whole life is fucked up.
Dude,
we went with, me and Adam went with Will and Matt, and I guess I got it worse than the rest of them, but I was
dreading what kind of pain I'd be in and just fucking.
I was sore from catch.
That's awesome.
That's hilarious.
I think I got like elbow tendinitis from throwing a baseball like fucking 15 times.
Home run derby.
Yeah.
I was literally.
Yeah, swinging the bat.
Anytime I would check swing, having to stop the motion.
Oh, yeah.
It just like in my fucking elbow, my shoulder, my hip.
Shoulder.
Yeah.
It was a killer.
And it's weird because it's like, you know, you have this memory of like the muscle memory from when you're like a child of like doing these things.
And also, too, just how like demoralizing it is to make contact with the ball and hit it as far as you did when you were eight years old.
Just shallow left feeling.
Yeah, right.
A little blooper.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it just feels like a home run.
I love the sound of the crack.
Yeah.
I'm horrible at swinging a bat, dude.
I never did.
I was scared of baseball.
And it was an American-ass sport, so I never really put it.
My parents put me in baseball.
Put the peanuts and cracker jack.
They put me in because they thought it was the more American sport and it's the less athletic sport.
I wish I went into soccer.
Well, that's what makes it more American, is it's for everybody.
It's a game for fat guys.
It's for fat guys.
You could be fat, pretty bad.
You could be a fat guy and play baseball.
Remember David Wells?
Of course.
Everybody.
Everybody.
Legend.
That's it.
Everybody.
Pretty good.
That's it.
Pretty good.
Everybody.
Everybody.
Everybody in the club getting tipsy.
Everybody in the club getting tipsy.
Yes.
We'll get it.
Oh, also, I want to say
by the time this comes out.
We'll get it.
Yeah, we'll get it together.
I'm part of it.
I'm part of this.
By the time this comes out,
2021 calendar should be out.
Definitely get that.
Gustavi Baby 2021s.
I went to the studio.
I hired an artist to fucking whip some shit up.
We got some nice stuff going.
You're going to love it.
So, yeah.
Do you have all the holidays on all the calendar squares?
We got the major holidays.
You have have israel independence absolutely not certainly not um and do you see trump unfollowed israel that's awesome yeah that's so sick i love him i love him too
so check that out and um hopefully i'll be in uh bananas comedy club in december or in atlantic city no no not go bananas just bananas it and and that's bananas at hasburg heights december yeah we want to name it go bananas but that was already taken so we just went with bananas
And also Atlantic City Comic Club.
Hopefully there is no...
My dream was always to have a club called Bananas, Go Bananas.
Go Bananas.
There had to be a banana theme.
It had to be banana.
Because what we're trying to do is trick the blacks into coming in.
All right.
There it is.
So anyway,
name it bananas and
trick black people into going in.
No, stop.
No, stop.
Stop it.
Cut his mic.
That's what.
Everything was segregated, and I was one of the the first people that said, let's call everything bananas and help the economy.
To reintegrate, yeah.
And I apologize.
The shows in Connecticut got canceled.
There were some weird restrictions, and it just made sense not to do shows in a
casino in Connecticut.
So hopefully I can go back when Corona's, now that Joe Biden is solving coronavirus, hopefully, I guarantee you, once it's safe, I will be doing a tour everywhere.
I can't wait.
Also, we're pushing up on the deadline to order shirts to come dot town.
town if you want them before the holidays just to be safe you should give yourself like two to three weeks for them to ship the order because if you catch them in between like um prints
then right it's gonna get you might get your ass cheeks you might get your cheeks clapped oh also i'm gonna be auctioning my cheeks clapped i'm gonna be auctioning off some uh some paintings before the holidays as well i'll get them framed to make them look nice nice dude and it's all going to charity the
A guy's name, Charity.
Yeah, it's her.
No, it's a stripper.
A guy?
No, it's a pot stripper named Charity.
It's her brother.
Come on, man.
It's a brother's name.
A girl named Charity's Brother.
St.
Jude's.
It's going to St.
Jude.
St.
Jude's Penis Hospital.
1% of it will be.
It's very funny that there's only one Jewish saint, and he's the one that's always asking for extra change.
For kids, though.
For sick kids.
The hospital is for sick kids.
They put on clown noses and make the sick kids feel like they're not going to take it.
Jude is the patron sanctum asking for maybe rounding up the dollar maybe to $200.
It's $2.78.
Why not?
Just give me 12 more cents.
For the kids.
And for their incredibly well-compensated executive staff.
It's for the kids.
It's for the kids.
I used to have, before movies would start, if you showed up, like 30.
I don't know why I've done that in my life.
Sure.
to,
like, sometimes, I don't know, maybe it was my dad's fault.
I don't know.
My mom would do that.
We would get there pretty early.
My mom would do it too.
My mom used to do that with like
the airport.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Where it's like we'd have to fly somewhere and she'd be like seven hours early.
15 hours before the flight, you know, and then you're just sitting there fucking pissed.
I hated that shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, and then she wouldn't let you buy anything because it was marked up prices.
Of course not.
I mean, nobody should buy anything in the airport.
You should shoplift from LaGuardia.
Yep.
I stole it.
LaGuardia, LaGuardia is asking for it.
It's so easy.
LaGuardia is walking through an alley with a mini skirt on.
Okay.
I'm telling you.
LaGuardia should not have been wearing it.
I think I'm lost.
I think these con bars are lost in this alley.
Putting a cash register all the way over by the magazines.
It's 50 feet away.
That's right.
I usually just eat one while I'm waiting.
That's smart.
Yeah, I just breezed past the register and I was like, I didn't want to buy this, but it touched my penis by accident.
So
I feel weird putting it back on the shelf.
So I'm just going to throw it away out there.
I'm going to throw it away out there.
I'm just throwing this out because it touched my penis as I was walking past.
It would be wrong for anyone else.
I don't.
I was worried a kid might get my penis germs in his mouth.
Yeah, I'll keep it down.
All right.
See you later.
Yeah, I'm going to Orlando.
It's my first time in Orlando.
What's up, man?
Yeah, no, I just saw your fucking Marlins hat.
I thought maybe you were also going to Orlando.
Yeah, my penis touched this kind bar.
Yeah, no, it's first time flying.
I'm pretty excited.
I'm pretty excited, dude.
Before this, I've only ever been in a truck.
Yeah, the only other type of thing I've been in is a truck, I guess, in an elevator one time.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I was just I was I yeah, I was looking at your hat and I walked past and my penis grazed uh
my penis grazed all the parfait cups.
Yeah, it's you know, sometimes it's um
'cause I I I like using this the hole when I pee, but a lot of times I forget to put my penis back in.
Especially if it's one of those bathrooms where uh they say employees must wash hands.
It's confusing.
Yeah, because you know, I mean, which is it's weird that, you know, you're only supposed to wash your hands if you have a job, but I'm
actually working at I've been working at
what's a funny place for that guy to work at?
Boston Market.
Yeah, I got a job there.
I start when I get back from I got I I'm going on a trip to Orlando to celebrate.
I start next week, but I got a credit card and I'm I max it out.
Always wanted to see Disney.
Yeah, because I just really wanted my childhood dream was always to ride in an airplane and I didn't know where else to know at Disneyland's fucking gay, but I figured if there was a package and stuff, so it was like $15,000
to stay at Disney World.
To stay in the castle.
To stay in the castle and you get to fuck Cinderella from
what I've heard on Red Eat.
It's a website.
All right.
Time for lunch, folks.
Which button do I press?
The red.
The red button.
See?
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