Ep. 235 - For immediate release

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Your ring, your way.

We're just gonna go spoilers.

We're going

to go.

It's like Nick and I saw Phantom Thread.

Do not spoil Phantom Thread.

We needed to see it.

We did.

I'm about to watch it.

I'm not spoiling the movie, but there was like an NPR New York City, New York City audience, and then the forced laughter in the theater was just the two of us were looking at each other.

Was it funny?

I thought it was he was

at the end of the movie, there's a punchline.

You realize the entire thing has been building up to a punchline.

Don't even

close to spoilers.

And then Nick and I started laughing, and then everyone else in the theater was silent.

New York biddy.

Yeah, he likes the abuse.

It's about abuse.

It's about people that

conflict is not.

I've heard enough.

I might have to switch out.

Do I sound like I got a weird sound?

I'm not wearing cans, so I don't know.

Do I sound

whatever.

Fuck it.

Fuck it, dude.

Maybe next time.

On the next one, we get fixed in.

Luckily, we brought a separate cable.

We're already 56 seconds in, man.

I know we're going to stop and start over.

over.

No, I would just swap the cable.

I would be so pissed if we had to restart.

We had to lose that.

I would absolutely lose it.

We were just talking about that.

I would start breaking stuff.

Let me just make sure that we have

November 5th.

Oh.

What a beautiful day it is today.

Yeah.

What's the date, Nick?

Of the episode?

That it is today.

Wink, wink.

We're really doing

our pre-show.

No, I just need to have the copy in front of me before.

Oh, so this is a regular episode, not a premium?

This is a regular episode.

Stop letting people into the workshop.

Exactly.

The workshop of the mind.

This is our two-sentence conversation we usually have before.

I'm trying.

You've got to be a professional, Adam.

Dude, everyone knows that I'm the professional in the group.

No, absolutely not.

That's what they call me.

Professional dancer.

That's right.

No, they call me the Leonardo.

You're a Providencer.

You suck off a gaga for morning.

It's funny to imagine the studio being like, well, we like the script, but you can't call it Leon the pedophile.

Unprofessional.

People, yeah.

How about the professional?

We'll split the difference.

Yeah, and it's their problem if they say that that little girl is hot.

Yep, that's on.

Even though we dress her up like

a dollar,

this is my wife, my baby wife.

This is my baby wife.

She's my wife who is also a baby.

And now I have to kill, I have to kill the bad guy because my wife demands that I kill for her.

That's the same guy that did the fifth element, correct?

Yeah, Luke Beatson.

Do we are Luke Beats on?

I would love that on the lineup this week.

I watched it

a couple months ago.

And it's another movie that's clear a pedophile wrote it.

This time it's a woman, she's in

a lady's body, but she's got the brain of a child.

She's a reed.

She's trying to learn English.

Well, she's

smarter, faster, and faster.

She's growing up.

This guy is everything he does.

He should be able to go to jail off of those two movies alone.

They're two movies about excusing being a penny.

Stop trying to ruin Jacking off to her in the bandages.

I've made the piece hot before, but it's just, it's so funny that first scene in the movie where they reconstruct her from like that alien's arm.

And then like the general of the space army is like sees her in the tube, and he's like,

I'm going to have to take some pictures.

It's like, we're supposed to believe this, like, 70-year-old man has just never seen a naked woman before.

That his dick even gets hard.

Yeah, because it's a PG-13 movie.

Yeah, so it's like,

in my opinion, that is peak Tucker.

Oh, Tucker crushes it.

Intergalactic, gay space army.

Tucker absolutely crushes it, bro.

Ruby Rhodes.

Yeah.

A gay intergalactic radio host.

And I love that the show, their show, was just done while walking.

That was, you remember that part?

I haven't seen it in years, but it was like an Aaron Sorkin-themed MTV show.

Walk with me, baby.

Oh, like they go down hallways.

I had to come all the way to space to be gay.

Tell me, what are you doing here?

Are you Chinese or blue?

What are you like, an Indian blue bitch?

Are there white versions of the blue bitch?

On your planet, do they got white blue bitches and you're the Indian type of blue bitch

shouts out to Chris Tucker you're like the the Kamala type of blue bitch on in blue world yes what are the white what are the white people are they green

what do they call white people where you're from

shouts out to Ruby Rose

and Chris Ruby Rose is the lady that's who's that she's like hot but she has short hair and they're like she's she's a fucking genderqueer icon.

Because she has a short haircut?

Yeah, I mean, she tapes her titties up, and she's in, I think she was in oranges and you black.

But

if somebody's hot as shit, they don't get points for being brave, I think.

Uh-huh.

In my opinion.

Just because you call the show the L word doesn't mean I'm not going to jack off.

It's actually the J word.

Ruby Rose.

Jacking off.

Yeah, that's the brother.

Huh?

Ruby Rhode is the character.

No, no, Ruby Rose.

Oh, I was talking about someone else.

Someone who's hot.

A hot lesbian.

Or I don't know if she's or she's bi or if she's even, or maybe they're they, I think.

If I had to guess, she's they strike me as a they.

They're a hot.

The bad guy in Fifth Element is named John Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg.

It's Gary Oldman, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Where are the stars?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he does a southern.

Oh, yeah, but he's working for evil aliens that are destroying everything.

He's partnered with them, I think.

But they just

like, usually, that's like the double cross that they tell them, oh, you're going to be safe.

But this movie, they're just like, oh, yeah, no, we're also going to kill you, but you have to do what we say.

And Gary Obama's like, yes, I'm gay.

Yeah.

And he has the hair to the side.

He has the alt-right haircut.

He does have alt-right haircut.

With a plastic thing on his head.

Damn, I want to see that movie.

I love that movie.

Father Vito Cornelius, General Monroe,

Diva

Plavagoot, Plava Plavago.

Doesn't Bruce Willis try and rape her, too?

Yeah.

Hurmila Javivich?

Yeah.

He holds her down and fucks her, and then he goes, you pique, motherfucker.

That rape was actually a Christmas movie.

Dude, this director needs to go to fucking prison.

He's just French, dude.

It's legal there.

Is it?

Can you be?

Stop being so Western.

Sorry, dude.

Stop being so American.

I'm fucking uptight.

You'd think my Greek roots I would be, you know.

Yeah, I know.

But see, what I'm

covering for the crimes of your people.

The thing is, I come from a culture where it's got to be a boy you tune in mathematics.

Honorable, yeah.

But you stop when he's a man or he's gay.

Not like a slutty girl.

Not a slutty girl.

You'll hear this stuff.

So the song from the fifth element that the blue bitch sings, it's impossible to sing, actually.

They do like computer-generated tones that humans can't make.

Interesting.

But the closest they got was an Albanian.

No.

Wow.

This movie sucks, I'm decided.

Invamula.

Invamula?

Yeah.

Okay, you know what?

Invamula is some pussy.

I'm trying to get.

I'm in the mood for the

mood.

I'm in the moolah for the movie.

In the mood for pussy by

the music.

No, do a joke with the name.

Don't just let people know you know the name of the movie.

Know who directs.

I me.

That was gay.

And especially when it's long cock way.

Without even thinking first.

It's good for pussy.

But long hard wide?

Long hard wide.

It's good.

You got a lot of ways.

Yeah, but you know what?

It didn't.

And why?

Because you wanted people to know.

Listen, guys, you know that guy's name.

You gotta keep me honest.

You gotta keep me honest.

This might be our earliest episode of Carlos.

It's funny because

your inability to help yourself with that and stealing jokes.

It's kind of like what we're talking about with

food.

Yeah.

But this has been stealing food.

All three of us have a specific sickness.

No, that's not my sickness.

And you were, me and Nick have real problems with food and we're addicted to it in a way.

I've fully accepted that I have like just a straight-up eating disorder for sure.

As I do,

you are.

First of all, who said anything about obese?

Okay,

we're talking about eating disorder.

Because I'm not obese at all.

I'm in much better shape than you are.

Everyone knows that my addiction

is

trusting

people I love.

That is actually literally true.

You're a fucking sucker.

But also, you're addicted to stealing.

You know what?

My problem is

proving that you know little facts.

That is truly the worst thing in the world.

And you do it.

And you have never,

in the years that we've known each other, you've never tried to i've been working through it in therapy i don't think you have

i don't think you have the impulse that a jewish person has to say oh he's jewish like if sammy davis jr comes up yep that is literally something that i've deliberately tried to work through in my life all right it is obnoxious and horrible i would just say and the tidbit thing is like that's weird because i just don't want to so i don't want to eat an entire pizza if i have if i just fuck up and have one garlic knot listen we all have our crosses to bear yeah and then it's like, all right, well, let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Let's get the show going.

Let's eat a whole damn pizza.

Let's eat the entire pizza.

Hey, and after you finish the pizza, you're like, anybody go for some wings?

Why don't we order some wings?

Just pretending like someone else at the party ate the pizza.

I guess we all ate the pizza.

Yeah.

It's literally like Ian drinking hand sanitizer on a bus and then waking up.

jacking off his soft dick, eating a prostitute's ass.

It feels so good, though, to just fucking just go off the rails.

Oh, when you go off the rails, the day you go off the rails is the best day of all time.

It's the next day where your head is just swollen with sodium.

You just have diarrhea.

You feel hungover, but from food.

I went through my cousin's birthday and I felt like my ribs were separating.

My cousin's girlfriend was like, that's what pregnant women say.

Dude, my stomach gets so fucking like bloated and hard.

It's like literally, it's like that episode of King of the Hill where Khan, it's the hot dog eating contest and it's the ring of fat that stops your stomach from expanding.

Yeah, my stomach bumps up against the ring of fat very often.

Yeah, I was actually thinking about Kobayashi last night

or whenever that was.

Yeah, how does he do it with a six-pack?

Exactly.

Khan was talking about.

Yeah, I mean, it's just, yeah, there's no ring of fat to stop him.

I look wild after a night of like overeating.

Distended belly, probably.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I look, I look insane.

He looks some all

on the top.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why do starving kids have that?

Because I believe the

because everything else is so emaciated that the stomach just kind of like pops out.

No, I think it actually does swell with something about edema or something.

Oh, shit, really, dude.

Yeah, that's fucked up, dude.

That picture of that vulture waiting on that kid is one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen in my life.

Every will see.

Birds are cool.

No, fuck birds.

Absolutely.

They're dinosaurs, dude i honestly i would fucking kill every bird if i if it was up to me i'm not a fan except hummingbirds they're cute and they're little and shit i don't like i won't say every bird but most birds i guess we can keep chickens alive and kill them in the factories which is what they deserve every bird should be treated like factory farmed birds yeah

that'd be that'd be cool in sesame street as big birds just in a cage and gordon's like pulling eggs out of his ass

he's being forced to keep making eggs, bitch.

Big bird's like, I just want to teach you alphabet.

Yeah, well, how about I got some letters for you right here?

F-A-G.

Yep, that's you.

And then they're like, whoa, whoa, don't be fucking homophobic, Gordon.

We're just treating him like this because he's a bird, not because he's gay.

Then we'd have to put Burt and Ernie in cages as well.

You know, it'd be really funny, like, just because kids wouldn't even get it.

If I worked for Sesame Street, I would definitely, I would spend every day of my life trying to get it into this show or a scene where like you know Elmo's with like a kid or something like okay Galoria, let's go see Gordon, you know, and they're like hey Gordon and Gordon's there with like

The letter and

then the letter and like I'm really sorry Gordon and Gordon's like don't worry about it man.

Just fucking don't you know, and then Elmo's like what's going on Gordon?

What are you guys talking about?

And Gordon's like, it's nothing Elmo.

It's not a big deal.

We're cool

between me and N.

Yeah so what are you guys learning today shapes and then it's just that's it

I'm gonna say you would not be able to get that in yeah

I would that's just my hunch is they would not allow it well I would say like well maybe just Gordon has a difficult relationship with the letter N and Elmo's like what why are you and the letter N mad at each other Gordon and he's like because people have history Elmo

we didn't all just suddenly appear right when you were born.

There's a context to everything that's based in identity.

I think the more detail I'm getting, the less I believe you'd be able to see.

No, I think it's kind of a nuanced conversation that needs to be connected to

playing on Sesame Street.

Yeah, children need to confront difficulties.

I think they shoot Sesame Street in Queens, actually.

So

we should just start...

waiting for it up in full camo

yes or we show up let me write for the show we show up dressed to snuffle up i came all the way to queens from brooklyn from country tom brooklyn

why don't we just show up dressed as the muppets yeah and sneak in that way just dress up as elmo and be like oh i'm here for work yeah i want to uh i'm looking for gordon i got an idea for an episode i'm trying to fetch him

wait who's gordon gordon was the black guy on sesame street when i was a kid oh that guy yeah gordon still around i remember that guy now that you say it Was he a grown-up?

Yeah, he was a grown-up.

Yeah.

He was a grown man that hung out with babies.

Fucking loser.

Puppet.

Fuck Gordon.

Was Gordon like Afro-Latino?

Wasn't there?

Or was there just a straight-up Latino guy on there?

I don't remember at all.

Were you not a Sesame Street?

Played by Roscoe.

Of course, I was, dude.

And don't you dare say I was a Barney guy because that shit was gay, dude.

I was a Barney guy.

Dude, I was a Barney guy, too.

I was mainly a Sesame Street guy.

Remember being mad at him?

Oh, he's still on Sesame Street.

We've seen him on Sesame Street since 1962.

Damn, he's a ledger.

Let me see his picture.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that guy.

I don't remember.

I don't.

There's a Latino guy on it, too, isn't there?

I showed my penis to a child.

I should have taken a shit before that.

I showed my penis to a child on my truck drive.

Oh, God, yeah.

Can't believe we left that one out.

Dude, it just started happening when I was the second I was not thinking,

it just took over.

Oh, hold on.

1974 to 2018 is how long Gordon was on the show.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

He's in retirement.

You think he, like, hated Sesame Street the way we hate the podcast?

He's like, I got to go deal with these fucking kids again.

No, because kids don't know

how to fucking send pizzas to your house.

Do people do that?

Oh, yeah.

That's got to be dangerous for you.

It's fine because I listen, if they were prepaid, I would see that as a form of respect

But it's always have you ever have you have you bought any of no I never have you've never been tempted well can I be honest they usually send bullshit like

dominoes honestly if I were the CEO of dominoes and like I would just start doing that to people like pick neighborhoods where you like get the data figure out who's fat and be like oh no somebody ordered this I guess just send the drivers out it's terrorizing San Antonio yeah yeah because somebody's gonna buy them and then they're gonna think of it it's It's free marketing.

Or you know what they could do?

Say, look,

I'll give it to you for half price.

And then it's free.

And then you're covering your costs.

Yeah.

More people will do it and then they have a taste for dominoes.

That was the classic Tom Green bit.

The price cutter's pizza where he'd follow around the delivery guy.

Oh, yeah, that was really good.

You know what I would do?

I would cap the phones of Papa John's and then take orders

at all my local dominoes locations and then see where, try to get the pizzas to them first, same order, but from the dominoes menu.

Get cash and be like, no, I guess you ordered dominoes.

Then be like, weird, I didn't think.

And then just steal all of their customers.

That's what I would do.

If I was a CEO of

Espionage.

If I was a CEO of Domino's.

Regardless of the fact that Mozilla is doing a CEO by credit card, probably.

Yeah.

Well, I would make it illegal to pay by credit card.

Okay, so you would lobby the government.

You're only allowed to buy pizza non-prepaid cash only.

Cash only and cash on the barrel.

You have to get a barrel.

You have to have a barrel.

And then, but you would make it legal to tap

competitors' phones.

Yes.

I got a question.

How did anyone get so poor that they had to just wear garbage spenders in a barrel?

Like, no one ever did that.

I don't think that was so poor.

I think that was the Irish being so drunk.

Was that an Irish thing?

Yeah.

The Irish got so drunk they had to live in a barrel of pussies.

I sold all my clothes.

This is my life now.

I sold all my clothes and now I have to live in a barrel.

It's saving me so much time.

My wife's mad at me because nine of our children died last week.

We only got 15 left.

Dude, how blown out were those Irish pussies in the early 1900s?

They said that there would be a great future for us in Brooklyn, but it's nothing but me beating my wife and living in this burrow.

Did they even have

the

thread that sews up pussies after the babies are born back then?

The husband's stitch.

Did they even have that?

They probably did, I guess.

They were doing surgery.

If it's after the Civil War, yeah.

I mean, that's when they're going to be able to do that.

Yeah, that's when field surgery really

took off.

Yeah.

I'm just thinking, damn.

He was on Sanford and Son at the same time as Sesame Street.

Oh, hell yeah.

My man was getting paid.

Al Robinson.

He was played Gordon Robinson.

These are the names of his characters.

This is funny because you go from the 70s to the present day.

You want to see if the names get more Afrocentric.

His first role was Willie.

The second one was Gordon Robinson.

Al Robinson.

Tyrone.

Uh-oh.

Lieutenant Connors, Bodyguard, Gordon Robinson, Marcus Brutus, Adrian.

I guess he was Greek for two years.

Marcus.

Maybe he was in Marcus ain't Greek, bro.

Maybe he was.

Or Roman.

Yeah.

Gordon Robinson.

Captain Wollinger.

Malcolm.

Captain Rouston.

Gordon Robinson.

Sir Eddie Eiler's partner, Gordon Robinson.

Judge, Gordon Robinson.

Pops, Gordon Robinson.

Gordon Robinson.

Mr.

Mason, narrator, Mr.

Cameron.

So my theory holds up.

Train waiter, Jojo, boss,

officer Oscar Racco,

Mike Stanton, Jerome Howard, Bryant Davis,

Dr.

Grady.

I guess

he's gone.

Yeah, I thought it'd be funny if the names stoop were like Willie, Africa Bombada, yeah, and then you get further into his career and it's like fucking

Chicken Tika

Misambo.

Jesus Christ.

He's not even

never mind.

I'm not gonna say what that would make more sense for.

Yeah,

I sucked a penis.

What was it?

He put a gun.

He put a gun into my head and made me suck his dick.

I am sad.

I got raped.

I hate it.

I hate being raped.

He put a gun up through my head and made me suck as dick.

He spread my eyes and then fucked me inside of my my ass.

I hate it

getting raped.

This is fucking annoying.

So

we have to do reads.

And usually I just keep a timer on my phone or whatever, but I tried setting up the iPad.

And the iPad keeps shutting off.

You can fix that in settings.

In settings?

I don't know about any of that stuff, partner.

Display, brightness.

Listen, I don't know anything about settings.

I'm more of a,

you know, about characters, about dialogue.

Of course.

You know.

no, sir.

It's the settings on your phone.

Plot-driven.

Plot points.

I don't, like, I wrote a story.

I'll write a story sometimes.

You know, it could be a Western.

We're talking 1870.

Yeah.

You know, in the middle of Yuma County.

Yes.

Or a space opera.

Doesn't matter.

You could cast this.

The characters are the same.

The characters are the same.

No, sir.

Just go to settings on your phone

then.

To see, just the brightness needs to go up.

But

I didn't even get pussy until I was 27 years old.

Would you believe that?

I might call up Apple support later.

The problem is, they have all your information now.

You used to be able to prank call a customer service department.

Well, I guess you still can.

It's just you can't get really past.

Like, if you pretend to be old, you can get past their asking for your name.

Right.

And they're like, I don't know, I don't know.

They get and they're like, sir, your name, please.

Wow, that's a good question.

But what's really important is this, is the keys,

because there's keys for your house,

and that's not the same as the one on the computer.

It's not the same one, is it?

What about this thing with a key chain here?

Do I click on that?

Do I hit delete?

No, sir.

What do I do?

I deleted it.

I deleted everything.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what.

If you want to delete your dicks and ability.

if you want to delete your soft dick,

you can

delete some blue chew pills.

Delete them.

They're delectable, actually.

They are.

They taste really good.

They taste really good.

They're good.

They're basically candy.

I eat them alone all the time just because it's like, well,

I kind of want a Smarty or something.

They are a lot like Smarties.

Yeah.

And you could probably give them to a kid and he wouldn't even notice.

Damn, I miss Smarties now.

I was never a Smarties guy.

I wasn't a Smarties guy, but you'd get them on Halloween and you'd finish eating the good candy, and then there'd be a thing of Smarties, and be like, you know what?

Like, fuck it.

Smarties was the top tier of the second choice candy.

Yeah.

Well, what's that tier?

Build it out for me.

Candies.

Minor League candies.

What are the minor league candies?

Smarties, Milky Ways.

What?

Milky Ways.

Milky Ways.

Not Musky.

Three Musketeers, not Milky Ways.

Three Musketeers also crushes.

Milky Ways.

Milky Ways.

But it's a second tier candy.

You don't fuck with Milky Ways?

Here's the thing.

Oh, my God.

If you put Three Musketeers in the top tier, then they're dog shit.

I mean, you wouldn't, it's a discrete thing.

That's a good thing to make the top tier.

Because here's Three Musketeers lives in the territory of Three Musketeers, Snickers, Milky Way.

Right.

That's at the bottom.

Yeah.

Right.

And then

second to that, I'm a Milky Way.

The Canadian league of that world is Baby Roost and Payday.

That's who lives in that world.

How much can you have a big business?

100 grand bar lives in the territory.

100 grand's good.

They're good.

I'm just saying they're playing in different leagues.

100 grand is what.

It's a side.

I think I have no problem bumping 100 grand up to.

You know what?

You're right.

It's a Euro.

It's from a different league, but it can play with them.

Of course.

It's a ladder.

We have exposition games where we're eating all the candy.

That's right.

But I would go 100 grand and baby Ruth over a Milky Way.

Shut the fuck up.

Anything.

100 grand.

I need a crunch.

No, baby Ruth can suck my fucking dick.

Anyways, Blue Chew tastes like Smarty's.

Yeah, and it's a pill that gets your dick hard.

Hardy.

Wow.

Okay.

You know what?

My penis, it sucks.

I'll be honest with you, you know, when I, when we, when I first, when I, when I, the first time I had sex, not only was my dick bent,

but it was small, it was small and it was soft.

And it's not, I explained to the girl, she's screaming, she's crying, I'm holding her down.

I'm telling her, I'm holding her down.

I'm telling her.

Not bent.

It's the only that one side of it works.

Let me fuck you sideways.

We're going to, Jesus.

Then it'll be straight.

God, Jesus Christ.

It's like, you know, you deal with these fucking brats.

These fucking hers.

And they

gotta.

I don't know.

Are we doing a Chicago?

Yes.

We're making fun of people from Chicago.

Anyway, my dick is shaft.

Yeah, I got a deep dish style penis.

It's bent sideways.

Everybody in Chicago.

That's the thing.

It's a Chicago thing.

I don't know what it is.

Everybody else, they got straight dicks.

It It goes down and then it goes out.

My dick, it kind of hooks around in a weird way.

It's like a fucking.

And you can use it to serve deep dish.

It's like a warped piece of lumber.

You know?

It's garbage.

Anywhere else, it's garbage.

I'm gay.

Yeah, I'm gay, too.

That's the other thing.

There's a lot of people.

It's a Chicago.

It's a Chicago.

You know, in New York, you get a New York style of pizza, and that's real flat.

And we don't like that here.

What we like is being bent over and getting fucked with a gundor.

That's what you call a real

New York Chicago.

They call it a New York Chicago.

That's a Lou Malnati style.

They call it a Chicago style New York City.

And that's where you get put down on your knees, your partner takes a blue chew, and his dick gets hard.

And then he puts a nine millimeter in your mouth and makes you suck on it.

That's right.

While the blue chew kicks in.

At that point, you know, you already got a lot of saliva built up in your mouth from sucking on a gun, and you're ready ready to suck hocks Chicago style.

And you wake up, you're blood, you're crying, and you maybe check out an improv comedy.

They call that a Chicago typewriter.

You know what that is?

What's that?

It's a typewriter where you write all your gay secrets on it and put it away in a little drawer where your mom can't find it.

Chicago style.

You know, because you're sharing a

houses.

A Chicago bungalow.

Yeah.

You know, I've lived in a Chicago-style bungalow with my mom since 1973.

And when I was 13, I picked up a Chicago typewriter.

Right.

You know, which a lot of people, yeah, you just write gay secrets out.

And you tuck it away.

For years, they kept it in a drawer, but one of my stepdads found it while he was looking for pornography.

I had to bludgeon him to death with the baseball bat.

Yeah, well, he took me out into the garage.

And

he stapled my butt cheeks closed.

And he said, the only way anything's getting in here is if they got one of those little things you pretended was a monster, right?

Yeah, those jaw things.

The little monster toys.

The fang.

Good luck finding one of those in Chicago.

The only thing we have here, pal, is dildos.

That's all we sell is dildo pizza.

Back then, of course, the only topping on a deep dish pizza was a big sloppy dildo, all greased up with ass juice and cub.

Right.

But the point is, when you're getting fucked Chicago style, you want blue chicken.

Make sure your partner's got blue chicken is cack.

Because it's the same generic ingredients as Viagra and Seattle's.

Chicago style.

They call that deep dish dick pills.

The pills are thicker.

You know, it's the same milligram dosage,

but you can use them as earplugs so you don't have to listen to the sound of your son being sodomized upstairs by your partner.

You know, you got to do a lot of things.

Chicago rents are going up.

Everybody's moving to Chicago because of coronavirus.

Right.

I heard that.

And so, just to be clear, you have to prostitute your son

because of that.

Your son has to get fully informed.

You got to run a room out in your house and your son.

Your son is being molested up there.

So you're going to have to make yourself a little bit more.

That's why you need a deep style of blue shirts.

A deep bush style dick pill.

You get it right here in Chicago.

Put it in your ears or in your mouth.

You make it.

You can make a dick hard.

You plug it.

You put it in your ear, and it works in your ear too.

Yeah.

That's how they call that taking dick pills Chicago style.

You shove it in your ear and then it's a slow burn because everybody in Chicago, they've got a bent dick, so you really only need half the pills to get the good side of your dick hard.

Oh, yeah.

They call it the south side.

The south side gets hard and then the top stays limp.

So the whole thing curves back around.

Interesting.

And then your dick is more.

It's kind of the opposite, where the south side is good on your dick.

In Chicago, Chicago, everybody's.

In the city, the south side's good.

It loops back and points at you, and you walk around with your pants down.

You go, you talking to me, pal?

Or you, hey, you were talking to me?

Yeah.

Right.

Because that's, and the dick points at you.

Right.

And they can't do that in New York.

That's why you got to have, you know, De Niro.

He's got the little gun in the movie.

Right.

Remember that?

That was sort of a reference to Chicago.

Right.

How everybody, when he pulls, when he whips a gun out of his sleeve, that was Scorsese saying, I've been to Chicago.

I've seen what their cocks look like.

You know, Okay.

I even mean that.

We all know about the cock situation in Chicago.

The way their cocks point back at it.

So, anyways, you want a couple of Chicago dish style blue chew pills.

Same generic ingredients as Vienna.

Sadalophil and Sedana and the Sadiana.

Sildenafil.

And guess what?

You don't got to go to no fucking doctor.

Sildenophil reminds me of my friend Phil Sedena.

Oh, great guy.

Good guy, that guy.

Chicago guy.

Chicago guy.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's weird.

You know what?

I knew that because I knew him from Chicago and we grew up there together, but I never put it together that he was a Chicago guy.

I never left.

Plus, his cock looks exactly like you described.

I've been living on Beaker Street in Chicago my entire life.

Northside.

They got that?

Sure.

Every street is just streets from New York, but you take a letter out.

I lived in, yeah, Beaker and

Houston Street.

Houston.

Between

Beaker and Houston.

And Mulberry.

Yeah.

Over there on Mulberry Street.

Mulberry.

Yeah, no, I was living there for a long time.

And now

it's the wrong city.

Whoops, there you go.

You don't pay attention for a second.

You end up somewhere completely different.

End up in a different place.

The point is, Philadelphia, it's like Chicago, but nobody's gay.

But none of of that weird, gay Midwestern stuff.

And you don't got to go to no gay doctor.

You do it all online.

Yeah, New York or Chicago

or Philly.

I don't really know where we are anymore.

They got thin crust pizza in New York.

In Chicago, they got deep dish.

And in Philly, they got whites-only pizza.

Do you mean white pizza?

Yes,

right?

That's what that means.

Yeah, whatever.

I guess it's got

a cream type of cheese also.

Yeah, we got cream cheese.

That's our type of shit.

So now go, now

you could do it from your home in Philadelphia.

You can go to.

Blue Chew.com.

All right.

Give me a second here.

Let me get back to, we got to get back to talking about Blue Chew.

We going back.

Are we doing Philly or are we doing Chicago?

I can't tell the fuck the difference.

I can't do Chicago anymore.

I think it's lost.

I don't know what the fuck happened there.

But something changed and now

the fuck.

Now we are not capable of it.

Now I can't.

I hit my limit with that fucking city.

It doesn't help the Chicago.

It doesn't help the Philadelphia speakers.

You know what I think?

With the problems.

Slip into it, no problem.

The problem is that you tried to do Chicago and you've ruined it for me.

Well,

if you were actually good at the voice, it wouldn't matter what out the fuck I was doing.

Excuse me, I am actually good at the voice.

Okay, well, then why the fuck ain't you been able to do it yourself?

Because you started talking and you was doing it pretty good.

I slipped one time.

Yeah, and that's right.

One time.

And I went right back, but you had to go to Chicago.

You had to go to Philadelphia.

We're on a tandem bicycle here, and you fat-footed those pedals backwards.

I did it one fucking time.

And you ruined the whole thing.

Bicycle fell over.

Now we look like a couple of fags on the side of the road with our bicycle falling over.

That's a funny mental image.

There's two gay guys on a tandem bicycle that's just in a gutter.

Yeah.

And they're like, help us!

Police!

Help us!

Somebody call the police!

Our bicycle fell over!

Our tandem bicycle

tandem bicycle with dildos in the seat?

Of course.

And then

one of those Skyrider banners flying behind it that says bluechew.com.

That's right.

Which is a great website.

If you like sex, you'll like it.

Yeah, bluechew.com.

You go to Air Street.

Go over to Air Code Come Town.

Go to promo code Come Town and you get a

free

intro

James Con and Thief.

You say, what do you got?

Dick Pills?

You got a chink?

You got a Jew chink kid?

Well, take that.

Right.

Well, why don't we just do the promo code?

It's a highly emotional scene.

It's a great scene.

First of all, I'm quoting one of the

things.

I know.

Maybe after the action.

How about instead it's Jack Nicholson at the beginning of the department?

No.

No.

That would be a Boston.

The thing, guys, Chicago don't realize.

Okay.

Go to Blue Chew.com, use promo code COMETOWN.

That's the thing Chicagoans don't realize.

I don't want to be your product in my environment.

I want my environment to be free of.

Yep, right, right, right.

Guys from Chicago.

Chicago.

We've to get the beep back on the board.

Oh, we do need the beep for sure.

Get the beep back on here.

All right, beepchew.com.

Go to bluechew.com, promo code Come Town.

Get your first order free or free shipping or something.

Yeah, they call me Beth.

The point is, you want your dick hard.

Billy Beep.

Billy Beat Boys.

Billy Beep Bois.

Billy Beat Boys.

Yeah, they got

Bibois.

A couple of Beat Boys down there.

Yeah, they call them Beat Boys because they, well, I'm not going to explain it.

You know why they call them Beat Boys.

Bluechew.com, promo code Cometown or Cometown20.

Blue Chew.

Where is the ball?

Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, chew, blue chew.

And let's start.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the show.

Blue chew.com.

Bounce, bounce.

Bounce, bounce, bam, bounce.

I'm gay.

They said, suck us the dick, you're the piano man.

Suck me the dick, I'm the piano man.

I fucked a man inside his ass and it felt really good.

Now why I'm sad?

Because it turns out that I am a gay guy.

That I'm fucking gay.

Yeah, I don't know anything about the settings.

I'm more of a

plot.

I'm more of a plat guy.

I do the plat.

I've never really cast anything that is dependent on a setting.

You know,

it's more about it's more about cool shots.

You know,

like putting Bobby De Niro somewhere where you look at him and you say, now there's a guy that not only fucks, but he does crimes.

He does crimes, and I can see his balls.

You know, I remember the original draft of Heat.

I just wrote the word fuck down on a piece of paper.

And I thought, where is he?

He's in Chicago, Michael Mann.

That's where he's from.

Oh, he is?

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

For real?

I think Thief was his.

First or one of his first movies.

Oh, I had no idea.

Adam's not sure of that.

You can hear the fear in his voice.

And And then he became

the possibility of

being wrong about the movie.

I've been wrong so many times.

Yeah, but you wouldn't score points with the other Juices.

No, but I did do it in the voice of me trying to be right, which set myself up for failure.

It's a character you do.

Adam trying to be right.

Yeah, David Mammet.

David Mammet's like first draft of something, just being the word fuck.

And then I wrote down fuck on the piece of paper.

Oh, that's who I meant.

Mammet, not Michael Mann.

Both of them are Chicago guys.

Mammot's from Chicago?

Yeah.

The three guys from Chicago are Michael Mann, David Mammet, and Shell Silverstein.

Yeah.

Shell Silverstein from Chicago.

Yeah.

Chicago.

I fucking love Shell Silverstein.

Jim and John Belushi.

That was my guy as a little kid.

I used to love those books.

Yeah.

And he looks like he fucks.

I didn't see a picture of him until pretty late in life.

Yeah, you know, I grew up in Chicago, Southside, and that's why most of my movies they deal with, you know, guys saying fuck.

And the idea of,

you know,

like,

what if you're trying to get some pussy?

Right.

Right.

But the gang, they need you to do one more crime.

You know,

really, what you want is pussy.

What you want is pussy, but you also don't want to be enslaved by the pussy.

Right.

You've got to put work in between a pussy and you.

And really,

it's chiefly concerned with the idea that freedom is sort of like not only not possible

as a state of being, but it's impossible as even an abstraction that you can comprehend because these men don't even know what they're trying to escape to.

It's certainly not pussy.

It's being shot to death by Al Pacino

in an airfield.

And while that bullet presses into Robert De Niro's heart, the audience can't help but think, you know, he's probably thinking about sucking.

Oh, really?

He's probably thinking about what he really wants the entire time.

So the whole movie's about being gay.

It's about blowing Val Kilmer's third.

Tugging on his little ponytail while you suck his cock.

Yeah, I don't know if that's

true.

It's not how I saw it.

Hey, listen, when I invited you on to do the DVD commentary,

I didn't say you get to, you're just here to say yes.

Okay, Bobby?

I didn't see him as a gay guy.

I didn't see him.

I didn't see him that way.

When I do this with Marty, Marty usually holds my hand and we touch each other's penis.

But the character's not gay.

The character's character's not gay.

I'm gay with mine.

The character.

Robin.

I love the fool.

You're watching Heat.

I'm doing it.

I'm making little looks of money.

I'm director Michael Mann, and this is Robin Williams.

He'll be doing the commentary on the show.

It wasn't in the film at all, but.

Oh, that little goatee.

It makes you wonder if it's held on with calm.

That's very funny, Robin.

You know, I always wanted to do heat with Robin, and I wanted him to play all the characters.

The original idea was that it was going to be a comedy.

And, you know, the big joke is that we never get to see these men having sex with each other.

But with test audiences, they didn't really get it.

They didn't see it as a comedy.

They thought it was, yeah, it was too nuanced.

It was too much of a heist movie.

They thought it was really about the bank robbery rather than this idea that these five guys are gay with each other and

they never have that,

you know, moment in the hallway where they bump into each other and all the papers go scatter and they pick it up and they, you know, one hand falls on the other.

Yeah.

They realize

a meat cute.

Their hidden desires

realize.

So they have to be bank robbers.

And that's, you know, I thought if we reshot the whole thing

with Robin Williams playing all the stuff.

It must have been expensive.

But he's, you know, Mrs.

Doubtfire, he was busy with that, but he actually made all of his own clothes and costumes.

When I met Robin in the uh Motel Six off Sephorveda and and uh uh you know down down in Inglewood um we used to meet up there every Thursday.

You know, we would tell our wives, respective wives, we had a business meeting.

And me and Robin would show up and he'd be dressed as Mrs.

Doubtfire and I'd bend him over and fuck him in the Motel Six.

I said, you know what would be great if what we could do is re-shoot heat shot for shot but with you playing all the characters and then release that as a director's cut.

But the studio said we don't have another 40 million bucks.

We don't really have the money to reshoot the whole thing.

A lot of people think heat, the name, is about the heat, the police, but

it's really about the hottest kind of stuff.

It's about the heat emanating off a man's asshole.

That hot gay sex.

Yeah, well, that's what always interested me about gay sex.

It wasn't the

temperance.

It wasn't the act itself.

When you do it without lube, the friction that's built up in an ass, and

eventually, of course, you ejaculate.

Hopefully not too early, right?

Hopefully it's, you know, you have time to savor the act.

Is that when you finally pull your penis out of a man's ass and you're completely hard, you know, because this is, you know, it's not the wife you've been.

This is the best type of sex.

You're fucking Robin Williams dressed up like a British grandma in a Motel 6 in Inglewood.

So, you know,

you're harder than you've ever been in your life.

And it pulls out, and you can see some of

the inside of the rectum come out a little bit.

And the heat that builds up, it reminds me both literally and metaphorically of the Big Bang.

And it makes me think, well, God was probably,

you know, if God exists or whatever your conception of God is, is a guy going out,

you know,

he's out on the bareback exchange.

He's fucking dry.

He's fucking dry.

And he's in the clubs.

And he's on drugs.

And he's getting AIDS in the clubs.

He's fucking dry and hot.

And that's why, you know,

evangelicals will say that God sent AIDS.

And, you know, it's like, well, is this even really a punishment?

Right.

You know, because

they got the wrong idea when they think about it because AIDS actually makes the sex even hotter.

It's like having a gun to your head.

Right, right, right, right.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that the

emergence of the HIV virus coincides exactly with gun control laws in the United States.

So true.

Because there was never room to really have the conversation about who's affected most by gun legislation.

And that is, of course, bareback exchange gay guys who love shoving guns in each other's faces.

Oh, would you look at that?

The heat is over.

The movie's over.

Well, hope you guys enjoyed the commentary.

Ooh, see you later.

We're going to go up here.

Thanks for joining me, right now.

Ooh, leave the light on for me.

Leave the light on.

Leave your dick on.

Leave the money on the dresser.

Cash on the barrel.

Cash on the barrel.

Can I go back to New York now?

Okay, I guess we're always through.

Yeah, Bobby really didn't take to Chicago.

There's a difference between the culture of Chicago and New York

that Bobby really didn't seem to compliment.

I love Chicago.

You guys are just a couple of homos.

Yeah.

There's nothing to do with Chicago.

No, I just, I don't know if I want to get HIV.

I don't understand why that's necessary for my character.

You can track the HIV virus.

It's not even part of the story.

David wanted us all to get HIV, and only Val Kilmer agreed.

Yeah.

Of course, we brought David Mammet in for just some suggestions.

The thing he pressed hardest on is all the characters should have HIV.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what.

All the characters should get HIV.

And you know what else all the characters should get?

Is Manscaped.

Is their cock shit?

Their penises.

Groom.

There's nothing in here.

I should have printed this shit out.

Yeah, well, you know,

the good thing is

we know the product so well.

So, this is no, we do, but also they like this is the copy for the winter.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

Brace yourselves.

Winter is coming.

Oh, man, do I miss Game of Thrones?

No.

What the writers of Game of Thrones didn't want to tell you is that Bran was actually in a wheelchair because he didn't trim his balls with landscape.

That's pretty good.

Poor guy thought it was okay to trim his balls with a traditional razor or a haircut.

That's funny.

That's funny.

Winter is coming.

So, if you don't want to have a cock so hairy that you become wheelchair-bound,

get manscaped.

The fucking best motherfucking cocktail.

It is nice because I just kind of accepted that, you know,

you're going to cut your dick and balls.

Yeah, it's going to be a you were doing it with a straight razor and just nicking things.

I was using a katana.

Yeah.

A rusty katana.

I still maintain that that probably is the best way to do it.

Sure.

It's just I don't have the skills.

And let's face it, I'm an American.

That's why I use an American-made.

Let's see if that was

American-made man.

But American soul.

American-branded.

Yeah.

American thought of.

That's what's more important.

At this point now, having your shit made in China by slave labor is more, quote-unquote, American-made.

That's true.

I trust it more.

Yeah, of course.

It makes me feel more American knowing that some Chinese person's life life was my enemy.

Yeah.

My ideological enemy.

Right, right.

That guy in the factory.

That's your enemy.

Yeah.

Because that's all we have with China is the trade war.

The sense of superiority.

Yeah, why would you want an American made?

You don't want some fucking guy in America having a shit job.

You want a Chinese guy having a shit job and the American guy at home shaving his balls, living on welfare.

That's right.

That's right.

That's the dream.

That's the dream.

And

you can achieve that.

You can achieve dick razor communism.

Right.

By going to manscape.com.

Manscaped.com and pick up the new lawnmower 3.0 trimmer.

It's beautiful.

And it comes with little Hispanic guys that landscaping.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

I work for a Manscaping Company.

I do a Manscaping.

They work really hard.

They hire me a Manscaped and I have to shade their balls.

And I use a Lanomore 3.0.

Yes.

It's great.

It's quiet.

It's waterproof.

The battery lasts.

It has a lot of fucking time.

It's got a light so you can shave your cock in the complete darkness.

If you're in that blackout side,

advanced skin-safe technology to reduce nicks and cuts even has a light to help you close shave down there.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's quite good.

It's like you already said that.

Right.

It's like I didn't even...

You need to read it.

Yeah.

The weed whacker, ear and nose hair trimmer, can help you whack those nasty weeds in your delicate holes.

Oh, I got a delicate hole for you, pal.

Yeah,

you got to clean your ear out before you put the dick pills in there.

That's right.

Chicago, we got to.

You can hear your son.

Chicago, guys, your real...

Your son getting molested for shelter.

Too much hair, you can hear your son.

Yeah.

I was taking my son to a Cubs game and he got molested in the bathroom.

I couldn't hear it because I had too much hair in my ears.

Interesting.

And after that, I started using the weed whacker.

Now, the damage is done.

That boy's skydive.

Right.

So might as well put him out on the street, get a little rent money.

You know, I mean, it's like your best case scenario, he ends up as a director.

Some kind of director of heist movies.

Worst case scenario, he ends up as a New Yorker.

Geez.

It's weird that there's not more of a rivalry between Chicago and New York.

No, we don't.

Is there even a fucking rivalry?

mean, there isn't at all.

Isn't it one of those rivalries that only goes one way?

Yeah, yeah.

Like Baltimore and D.C., like, we don't like D.C.

No, no one in D.C.

gives a fuck about Baltimore.

No, no one's like, but we're like, fuck D.C.

Yeah, same way Chicago.

It's like, look, whatever.

You're cute.

You're in the middle of the fucking country.

You're the best city there, but come on, suck my fucking ball.

New York, dude.

The performance package includes a crop preserver, so deodorant for your balls to protect against chafing.

Also, there are crop revive or ball toner will keep your boys fresh fresh at all times.

Yep.

If you're wondering why I talk like this, it's because I've gone deaf from using the wrong kind of ear hair trimmer.

That's right.

That's before I got the Manscaped one.

The fucking weed whacker.

And you know what?

It doesn't say in here, but I'm assuming you can also use it on your asshole.

I'm going to say, don't use it on your asshole.

Don't try to use it on your asshole.

Have smelly feet.

The manscaped help with their foot dust.

I'm sorry, but this is all just disgusting to me.

thanks for the sponsorship

this is disgusting what's disgusting keeping a keeping a nice fucking group i don't have any of these problems you don't have i don't smell i don't have body hair i do have long noses there's no way you don't smell i don't smell i that is a for the one of the craziest ideas you just like your own brand i've lived with lots of people no one's ever complained because you fucking shower doesn't mean you don't smell i don't smell how smelly feet manscape can help you with with their foot dust or foot deodorant made to fight odors of the dirtiest feet.

Want to smell good everywhere?

Good because the refined cologne by Manscape is clean and fresh scent designed for the refined gentleman.

Yep.

So if you were a tuxedo, you got it.

I was laughing the other day about wearing a tuxedo to somebody's funeral.

You're like, yeah, I mean, I thought it was a black tie.

I thought you had to wear a suit.

Just take dress for like prom.

On top of everything,

throwing in the shed travel bag to carry your goods.

It's a nice bag.

The bag is nice.

I'm using it right now.

All the creature mods are nice.

Love it.

It's nice.

And I like the subscription model.

You know, I mean, if you're the kind of person who keeps their shit together or whatever, you know, like my skin under my beard bleeds normally.

Yeah.

And I'm constantly just bleeding and chafed.

I don't, I have

to have mental illness.

Yes.

So for me, as a mentally ill guy, if I wanted to convert to being

a guy who maintains himself, this is the way I do it.

Don't be like Nick.

I do a whole branded package through Manscape.

I get 20% off in free shipping with the code Come Town or Come Town 20 at Manscape.

Do you guys remember?

It's XXX and the copy.

It's probably Cometown.

It's probably Come Town.

It could be Come Town Twenty.

Tribe.

It's Come Town Twenty.

Remember w what w the first time we got advertisers the uh I think it was, I don't remember what the company was, but the promo code was Nick Mullen Podcast.

That's so funny.

They didn't want to say Come Town.

Well, the biggest win for us was when,

yes, it is Come Town 20.

Come Town 20?

Let me just double check here.

It's one of those fucking two.

You're smart people.

You guys are smart.

You can want clean-shaven cocks.

You'll fucking.

You listen to smart podcasts.

it's important that we get the right okay here's come town 20.

all right

come town 20 yeah come town will not work it is deactivated come town 20 is the proper promo code so use come town 20 to get 20 off your first order and get your dick shaven and so nicely yeah and they got the shears 2.0 package stuff have you tried the shears i've tried the shears clip my nails looks nice yeah britney shears

That's what they should have called her when she shaved her head.

Shaved her head.

Yeah, you know, I was never attracted to women, but when I saw Brittany here's

Shears with the shaved head, I wanted to see her.

I wanted to at least get my dick sucked out if I couldn't see her.

I wanted to just pop that fucking bald head right up my ass.

I wanted to fucking jam her in there like a doorknob.

You know, just have her get her stuck in there and then run around waving my ass around like a peacock.

Just fucking windmilling her whole body with my ass.

So, yeah.

Twerk off the side of a yacht.

Oh, yes, sir.

Ruin everybody's spring break.

Damn.

I hope Brittany's okay.

No, she's not.

I know, dude.

Her fucking dad or something's got her locked up.

Yeah, she lives in a conservatory now or something.

Yeah, she's in a

conservative ship or something.

I got something you can conserve, Adam.

What is that?

Your fucking words.

Okay.

I'll give you a mouth.

I'll try to conserve survive.

I'll take that to heart.

I'll take that to heart.

I love when it's not gay and it's just purely disrespectful.

Because I was thinking Nick was going to say you're a cock.

I appreciate it, actually.

Well, if you did, you would listen to his advice.

Yeah.

No, I never will.

Oh, my hard ass dick is killing me.

Yeah.

And nobody should listen to that.

I want to get

my penis sucked.

Don't do anything

that I did, include the joke formats.

Especially the joke formats, and keep them out of any of our DMs.

I don't know.

Occasionally, there'll be one.

Somebody, like one, probably one out of 90, there'll be somebody that's got a seller.

Don't even give them that.

Don't do that, man.

They're going to shoot their shot at us.

I don't care.

They're going to do it anyways.

But every once in a while, somebody will do one.

I'm like, all right.

And I'll let them know.

Yeah.

I'll be like, okay.

Respect.

He's a benevolent king.

Not that I'm the authority on it.

That's the problem: people don't understand.

It involves between you and your friends.

Exactly.

And there's a lot of people that don't have friends.

Right.

There's a lot of lonely people.

You're missing a fundamental element.

That's the whole point.

You should work on the friends first.

It's not that the jokes themselves are funny.

It's that we hate comedy.

And we are stupid in the way you're only supposed to be stupid with your friends.

Exactly.

That's right.

I'm not even good at comedy, but I'm good at the friends part.

Yes.

Right?

That's how I've worked my way up to this point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll agree.

You're better at the friends part than comedy without throwing any value.

Oh, I'm a great friend.

Without throwing any value judgment.

I'm a great friend.

I'm a great lover.

You're not.

I don't think that's probably you.

No, I don't think it's true either.

I think you're fine, probably, if I I had to guess how you fuck.

Because you know why?

You don't have that much to prove.

Yeah.

No, I mean, I think you and I basically have the same basic

grift, which is that we just make it sound like it's going to be really bad.

Don't let me in.

I don't make it sound like it's going to be bad.

I make it sound like it's really small.

I say my dick is bad.

But I'm good at

really small and the sex is bad.

And then if it's just a D minus, then it feels like a win for the little.

I can't help myself.

I have Mediterranean passion in me.

Uh-huh.

That's true.

You fuck beautifully.

You're an olive-skinned sex guy.

I'm supposed to be on a beach getting tan, getting my dick sucked by tourists.

Oh, Trump conceded, I guess.

Oh, for real?

He did?

It's gonna be so funny when this comes out in December, whenever the fuck it does.

My hard ass digging.

Oh, no, he didn't.

Oh, well.

I will remember

you.

Jingle Jangle on Netflix.

This This looks gay.

You know what I just remember

some Christmas movie?

When he was doing

he was there was he was doing Christmas calls to kids.

Oh, I guess it's a black Christmas movie.

Who's in it?

I can't remember which one's

no, I mean, it's not Jordan Peel.

It's

Jordan Peterson.

Keegan.

The other guy.

Michael Keegan.

Keegan, Michael Keegan.

Keegan, Michael Keegan.

Yes, him.

He's good.

I like him.

Yeah, him and then I guess dude the fucking substitute feature on Mad TV

trending topics on very funny when it first came out was all

nice soft landing yeah sure handle lunch they had that uh they had a good sketch on mad TV the two of them Key and Peel were like two

two like guys like squaring up to each other and then getting gayer and gayer with one another.

It was very funny.

Big respect.

Very physical.

Big kinetic.

Those fellas.

No, I was just remembering when Trump was calling kids with marginalized.

They were exactly the one you're going to say.

Are you still a believer in Santa?

And he's like, you're seven?

I mean, it's kind of borderline at this point.

He was like, are you still a believer in Santa?

Because it's seven years old, it's marginal, right?

It's marginal.

You know, she grow the fuck up.

Funniest president ever.

Yeah, pretty funny.

We'll never, they'll never take that from him.

Five, four,

three,

two,

one.

And that's the episode.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

I did press it.

The record button.

Okay, yeah, but I don't know what that does.

So that could have been a disaster.

I don't know.

Yeah,

it's this one.

I know which one it is.

Are we cruising?

I just wanted to make sure.

Because we can keep going.

Okay.

I thought it would be funny to stop the show after doing the countdown.

What did I just do, though?

What button did I press?

This one.

Luckily, it didn't didn't do anything.

Okay.

Just to be safe, we should.

I don't know

the difference between the record and the play button.

I should fucking look at the manual for this sake because I've had it now a year, and I'm just going to keep deleting episodes.

I'll never be good at fucking anything.

Hey, come on, man.

I mean, doing the show, fine.

But that was always what made me laugh about comedy.

You'd see guys on stage who have been doing comedy since 1993.

And they'd be like, So, what?

They call it a fire house because firemen live there, but they don't call it a police set, you know, and then the quarter drop out of the mic, and then they'll fumble with it for like fucking 10 minutes.

They have no idea how to reassemble the only tool and job involved in your job.

It is one plug.

They just don't know how to do a stool and a mic.

Most of them don't know how to use a mic stand.

Yep.

Yeah.

Amount of mic stands I've just broken mid-set

and then been like, okay, well, this is.

Oh, a mic stand is impossible.

It literally took until this year for me to understand how to use any of that.

A mic stand is like an internal combustion engine.

I mean, that's engineering right there.

I love the simple one.

You just do the twist.

The twist one is the classic.

The twist one is the best one.

Yeah.

And that's a cool part of the movie.

We don't need the bend to lower the microphone.

It feels great.

Yeah.

That's actually one of the benefits of being short is the power move of lowering the microphone.

It is a powerful move.

A lot of people think it might be emasculating, but it's not.

When you fucking, you got that like little wrist action, you slam that shit down, and you're like, let's get to work.

Because it looks like you're assembling a pool queue.

And you're about to like, ah, sure, pal, I could play a couple of games.

I don't know much.

I've never played pool before in my life.

I'm just a fag from Chicago.

I'm just a Chicago-style director.

Know anything about shooting pool or even what money is or how to gamble?

I've never done anything like that in my life.

I'm gay.

All right, later.

That's it.

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