Ep. 232 – the end of politics

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Breaking election news.

You're gay if you voted.

No!

The polls show that you

100% of voters

in 100% of precincts are homosexual men.

Turns out you're a fucking loser, and this country sucks.

I'm fucking.

We just found this out yesterday.

Anyways, we pushed this one so we could

provide the last election, I guess.

We detailed results.

We did it right after the election.

I guess we were mad or something.

I don't remember.

Yeah, I think so.

Similar times.

Yeah.

I mean, I was 28 years old, so that was the last year of.

I was only 41.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You were 28?

No.

I'm 27.

27.

27.

I don't know, something like that.

The same fucking

shit.

Almost.

27 is the end of being young.

28 is the beginning beginning of being old.

Where'd you read that?

Doesn't it feel that way?

Sisterhood of the traveler.

Doesn't it feel that way?

The sisterhood of

the black guy they all pass around.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They run a train.

That would be awesome.

I would love to be passed around.

I would love to be for the whole team.

You know the way rappers say a woman is for the team?

Like superhead?

Like superhead?

I would love to be for the team.

You want to be tried out by a group of women.

I would love that, dude.

Just to be a bitch.

Like a bachelorette party.

They rent the cabin.

I get a small bedroom.

We all have pancakes together.

They all suck my dick.

I eat their pussies for a long time until my jaw hurts.

See, every woman I have sex with, I tell them afterwards, now, I could kill you at any point.

Your life belongs to me.

And I'm choosing not to have you.

Only after you have sex with them.

Yes.

Okay.

And I give them a ring that glows when I need a favor.

And it's not necessarily sexual.

They only know each other because one will say to the other,

the sun is shining.

And then the other responds, the ice is slippery.

I've never had sex, but I imagine if I did.

Right, right.

That would be the thing that kind of

move.

That's smart, dude.

Yeah.

I like that idea.

And let every woman know that you've used them.

They are no more good.

My sex move is

following women around and then

entrapping them into a grand scheme of mutual favors among a network of

children of the night.

That's awesome, bro.

Yeah.

The shadows.

Yeah.

They all get little fucking nicknames.

Well, I'm the shadow.

You're the shadow.

Oh, okay.

Well, anyway, that's Nick's thing.

My thing, if you're a group of, if you're, let's say, three to four, three to seven women, whatever, and all of you sort of want to fuck me and you're having some kind of girls' weekend, let me know.

I'm also willing to financially pitch in.

We can split it.

That's the thing, as a groupie, as someone who's going to get tried out, I'm actually,

you don't have to pay for my stuff.

I'll pay my own way.

I just want to get fucked by all, you know, six or seven friends at a time.

So, anyway, and that's the kind of America that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have made possible for ourselves.

Sleepy, Sleepy Joe.

Sleepy Joe.

Shout out.

Yeah, I didn't watch any of this shit.

I got fucking stoned and watched it.

Oh, I watched it all.

And Rick and Morty.

I put it on in the background while working out, getting a little exercise in.

And

I forget what I was watching.

It was because you use Apple TV.

It just like it's like, click here, it just gets it for you, which is nice.

So I don't know if it was ABC, but they're talking about how Trump did way better with black men than

Hispanic men, too.

Oh, he nailed it with them.

I forget who they had on ABC, but

he's all but saying the fucking N-word.

Where he's like, well, Trump's message of get money i'm gonna get mine that resonates with these people and it's like

you better hope no one pulls that clip i mean that's like one of the most racist things i've seen on tv yeah

you see donald trump he's has hoes the problem is is that they're boo

when he projects a certain type of values

as we all know uh black men are incapable of understanding anything other than money and other than money and buying and selling pushes and so when i when i as a man on television, try to think about what could possess a black man to vote for the racist orange badman, it must be that he is a

insert whatever slur you want.

Yeah, sure.

That's pretty good.

One thing I saw was that apparently Hispanic people came out big for big Mr.

Trump in Miami.

No, not just in Miami.

Well, Hispanic men came out more than they think it's because he called Joe Biden a socialist.

And there's no way that's it.

Yeah, no.

That's what they said about Venezuelan Caribbean.

If that's the case, then why the fuck would any of them vote for Bernie Sanders?

The Cubans, maybe, but not like the Regency.

I don't know if he did well with Cubans.

He definitely did.

The fuck?

He won Florida.

Oh, no, no.

I mean, Trump.

Yeah, no, he did.

I mean, Trump definitely did.

But Bernie did well with Hispanics in Nevada.

He did well with Mexican-Americans.

They're all the same.

They responded to Biden's message of it's time to get tacos

and let's take a nap.

And a despacito.

That's basically what that guy said.

Sleepy Joe?

A lot of Hispanics are voting for Donald Trump, and the only thing I could imagine is that he looks like

a big pile of

what's it?

I don't even.

I can't even think of a fucking orange Spanish.

Is that orange Spanish?

Whatever.

Arania.

Aranya.

Whatever.

Swing and a miss.

I think that's enough.

Fucking Spanish.

Oh, that's not good enough.

I don't remember Spanish, unfortunately.

What about Spanish foods?

Flan, he looks kind of like he looks like an arrozcom pollo.

Aros con penis.

The message of take a nap under a tree while drunk.

Yeah.

It resonates with

when he posted that taco bowl from Trump Tower, the Mexicans loved it.

They ate it up.

So yeah, I guess fucking, I guess Joe,

you sleepy-ass Joe's going to win.

The fix is in.

The Democrats kind of got their pussies waxed everywhere else.

At 4 a.m.

last night, it looked like Donald Trump was going to be re-elected.

See, that's why I fucking slept in the bed.

And then we all went to bed

before, I mean, earlier or then, and then woke up, and Joe Biden, apparently in the middle of the night, had become the president.

Nice.

Yeah, but I mean, now Democrats are just, they got, they lost, they're not the worst case scenario

McConnell has

now

just this laptop Senate investigation after Senate investigation of this fucking

shit

all of the shit whose only crime is getting

all the shit Hunter did by the way

was legalized last night

you can go to half the states in the country and get your dick sucked by a crack smoking eight-year-old

from what I understand Hunter's Law is what they call that you get pussy from any child as long as they're addicted to crack.

Yeah.

Your dad is the vice president.

I mean, basically, Trump served his purpose.

He gave them a 6-3 on the court, and they held the Senate.

And they're probably in the midterms going to get the House back.

Who's saying my man Trump's not coming back like fucking Grover Cleveland, though?

Oh, four years later.

Whatever the fuck it was.

I think it's, yeah, it's Garfield Cleveland.

It's Garfield.

Garfield Cleveland.

Yeah.

Grover's from Sarah.

The lasagna party.

Yeah.

I like like the sound of the lasagna party.

Dude, Trump's coming back with a hard-ass dick in four years to run, which might be funny.

He might just fuck up the Republicans, but

whatever, man.

This shit is gay.

Did you know that Martin Lawrence shared a Come Town clip on his Facebook page?

Shut up.

Yeah.

That's huge.

Shut up.

Are you lying to me?

I'm serious.

Colin told me.

What was the clip?

He's like, this guy is gay, and it's used

talking about your life.

Martin, he said that about me?

Yeah.

I'm a huge fan.

He's like, this guy is

what we call, in the Federale community, a gay guy.

Oh, my God.

Come on, man.

I got so excited that Martin Lawrence has heard Come Town.

No, he did.

It was like us talking about that

stand-up bit where he has

either a sock or a rag in his crotch.

Yes.

He pulls it out and wipes his hair.

Yes, yes, yes.

Then it goes to that, and then it cuts cuts to him doing it.

Oh, that rocks.

Yeah.

Salute.

I couldn't see it because I'm still banned from Facebook.

Yeah, I'm not on Facebook Marketplace.

I just got back on Facebook because I've been perusing Facebook Marketplace.

For what?

For cocktails.

There is gold on Facebook Marketplace.

I didn't know they had cocked.

No, shut up.

I'm not looking.

It's actually, you can't get cock.

I looked.

But, no, there's great stuff out there.

Like what?

If you need a car, you should get it on Facebook Marketplace.

They got furniture?

Furniture, Yeah, it's Craigslist has actually become like

Well ever since you couldn't get pussy on Craigslist Yeah, Craigslist

is now fancier than Facebook Marketplace you got to find people selling like dishwear sets and be like how much for one of the forks

and then

They're like I don't you know, I don't know yeah, and then you're like oh, you're in Astoria.

Okay,

I'm in Princeton.

I can I can be there in two and a half hours.

Right.

I'm driving up.

I'm getting in the car.

I'm driving a wink wink.

I'm already in the vehicle.

So we're going to figure this out one way or the other.

I'm going to turn my shit up here.

One way or another,

I will get some butts.

Seven inches shoved all the way up my ass.

Getting fucked in church.

Fab in church.

Seven inches.

The one thing that is kind of nice.

That's what my dick was seven inches, mate.

That'd be awesome.

I can't believe you'd let me get fucked in the ass.

Dad, chill out.

Oh, he's getting fucked in the ass.

Yeah, I don't know.

Eric, you're staying late at the church to get fucked in the ass?

You know my dad has Alzheimer's.

And that's now I got to make that everybody's probably.

That's all I remember.

That mom was a bitch.

Fucking horrible.

She was the real Skyler.

Yeah.

You'd be cool as is a seventh heaven breaking bad mashup where Eric Campbell finds out that he has cancer, so he becomes a Satanist.

Wow.

He stops being Christian.

He starts a medal, a satanic metal.

Well, he becomes, he's like,

I gave you everything, and you gave me fucking melanoma that I had to get removed from my ankle.

Yeah.

And I had to spend

$30 on a copay to get melanoma removed from my ankle.

Fuck you, God.

Seventh heaven.

Now that fucking hell.

Who's God?

He's just in seventh hell.

The seventh circle.

And he's like, now I worship Satan and the governor of the town they live in, which

that town has a governor.

He stops by and he's like, listen, I heard you're doing something a little different with your church.

I'm up for re-election and I need some power to help me.

So

we're going to team up.

You, me, and Jesse Pinkman, who's now

one of your altar boys, who was very promising, but he was molested so much that he got into making child pornography.

And Eric Campbell's like, you help me.

We team up.

I know the science.

And you

something else.

You know the science.

You have the premise, the other side of the

premise of breaking bad.

And Jesse knew the trade.

Jesse was a dealer.

Yes, so I'm the one.

I'll fuck the kids.

And you sell the child party.

You sell the child part to Jesse.

That works.

And then they work their way up the Democratic Party.

Whoa.

Yeah, and so he's like, you know, he's making all this fucking money on the side, selling child slaves to Hillary Clinton,

Hunter Biden, and all these guys.

Sure.

And the wife is like, Eric, you're supposed to be praying.

You know, dad has Alzheimer's.

Right.

You know, my dad.

He's got Alzheimer's.

Yep.

Exactly.

I'm about to forget my fucking dick in your mouth.

Shut up.

I'm the one who knocks

that pussy loose.

I'm the one who.

There's two.

There's two sets of footprints on the beach.

And then it's in, you know, he has to go into the southwest and deal with, like,

Danny Trejo for some reason.

Or whoever the Hispanic is.

Gustavo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, what does Gustavo run?

He just makes like the little Eucharist crackers.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's Gustavo?

Gus Fring.

Gus Fring.

Oh, nice.

The chicken king.

Yeah.

Who had a boyfriend that he made meth with or something.

Oh, he was gay.

Is that the backstory?

I don't think he was gay.

I just think he was.

He tucked his shirt in.

You haven't seen Breaking Bad?

No, we said this two episodes ago.

I forget what

I don't listen, dude.

You know,

but conversations with your friend, you don't fucking remember?

Everything you say to me off mic, I remember.

He's thinking about pictures of himself that he's seen.

He's having fond memories of pictures of himself that he's seen.

And then occasionally a joke you say will seep into his subconscious, and then his brain will go, remember to repeat that verbatim two days later.

Four days later.

Yes, indeed.

Listen, it's not a life I chose.

It's a life that chose me.

Seventh penis.

I'm the one who fucks.

I'm trying to remember other breaking.

What else can we jam into that?

Sometimes this show is like shoveling coal.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

The son who his legs don't work.

He had a retarded retarded son.

He wants to change his name to Flynn Walt Jr.

Oh, yeah.

So that kid's on crutches.

Simon's on crutches.

Simon's on crutches.

But the dad broke his legs for being gay.

What do you do happen?

He's like, I don't want you.

He was walking into the boys' bathroom.

And he's like, okay, dad.

Why did you talk that way?

From sucking hot.

So he was gay.

Yeah, well, that's it.

Eric walked in on him.

Eric walked in.

He's like, why are you using my child pornography tools?

gay to do something even more disgusting?

To be gay by choice instead of sacrificing children to your satanic energy.

There's a big difference.

Yeah.

At home, he doesn't do anything freaky, but on the job,

that's the only source for satanic power.

This is going to be life under a Biden administration.

That's going to be every show.

You're going to have to fuck.

We're going to be...

You're going to have to be Satanist.

They're changing all the shows to be that.

and we're only gonna be able to listen to tupac because it's kamala's favorite and only rapper she knows that's right

those videos are just fucking long

yeah who is your favorite living rapper

tupac

when they asked her about smoking weed yeah you know how i like to get down at the cookout

I don't know if that's exactly what she said.

That's what she said.

No, verbatim.

She's somehow less of a black woman than Hillary Clinton.

Hillary had the hot sauce.

That's true.

I keep a bottle of hot sauce in my pussy.

Sister Hillary.

In Africa, they call her sister Hillary.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

It's so funny that she...

She had to drop out before anyone voted.

She was that shitty being.

She's vice president now.

The last maybe

fun thing.

She could catch this salich.

Maybe the last fun thing that could happen is assuming they wrap up all the court stuff in the next couple of weeks, we could get senior writers, Trump, lame duck drum.

That's true.

Just

maybe he'll go goth.

Maybe he'll go sad.

You know, there are a lot of.

What if he tries to have a big-ass statue of himself built?

Yeah,

that'll be awesome.

He tries to cram in.

He's like an evil ass king.

He tries to cram in all of his plans.

He should spend like a million dollars having a sign put up on top of the White House.

It isn't unfurled until the day he leaves.

It just says Gay Guy Central.

It's like a big Hollywood sign.

Oh, I made one last change.

I hope you like it.

Yeah, he's like, you can have this one seat on Supreme Court back, but this stays.

What the fuck were people doing outside the White House last night, like ready to get into fights?

Were they?

Yeah, there were like two opposing crowds outside the White House.

Really?

And it's like, just go do this shit in your town.

I know.

What the fuck do you think is going to happen?

They're not from D.C.

If they're from D.C., they would be fucking like loser, like, you know, khaki losers or fucking actual people.

They're hill people.

Yeah.

They're not going to fight over Donald Trump.

They wouldn't be fucking.

When Obama won, I was in college and we walked over to the White House to yell and say, fuck you, Bush.

You got to go.

And I saw a bunch of titties that night.

Really?

Chicks were showing their titties.

Did you get anything?

It was maybe the happiest America has ever been.

I wish that was me.

I do too, man.

I hear that story and I think, wow.

I wish that could have been me.

I honestly

seeing breaths at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Honestly,

at 20 years old, it was very cool.

Yeah, my dick was hard when Obama won.

It was very cool.

Did you get any Obama?

That was probably the happiest America has ever been in my life.

Did you get any Obama pussy?

That night?

I think I actually may have.

Wow.

Potentially.

Yes, I did.

But I had a girl that I was.

Oh, doesn't count.

Yeah, it doesn't count.

We didn't meet at Obama.

And none of those girls that were flashing tits sucked you off?

No,

I was too afraid to ask.

Would you have gotten?

Oh, dude.

I didn't have any confidence.

You're never going to get anything unless you ask for it.

Not 20-year-old me.

That was probably my lowest confidence.

I think I had been.

I was in the process of blowing it with a girl when Obama was elected.

I have no idea, which means I was probably drunk.

Yeah, you were definitely drunk.

I remember the night of the inauguration, but I don't remember election night at all.

Election night, we were hammered.

I was at my friend Stevie's house, and our friend Gosta was like, they're about to shoot Obama.

He was like, bang.

He was watching the fucking speech, and he just kept going, bang.

He was trying to like.

Oh, yeah.

This speech was...

Remember in Colorado?

I mean, but yeah, everybody.

He did that mile-high stadium.

It was pretty epic.

Yeah, I mean, he dragged his nuts across.

And then the dream was over.

They really should just bring the apprentice back tomorrow.

Oh, God.

While he's in office.

Can you imagine

in the Opal office?

He should make.

And he will, obviously, because he was president.

He should be enriched to a just disgusting degree.

He should become an overnight.

He's going to cake.

He's going to make so much money.

Like, make $50 billion.

He will, dude.

And then

just buy the state of Wisconsin entirely.

And turn it into

velvet.

Yeah.

There's just velvet everywhere.

I feel like we should all just agree as Americans just to lie to him.

Chloroform Trump.

What he should do is get out, immediately just walk around grabbing women by the pussy.

And then Joe Biden pardons him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To show that it's about the respect for the audience.

To be the same with each other.

You gotta

you know, I mean, today he's going and and he'll he'll he'll grab grab somebody on the you know, but it's it doesn't matter if it's Tom Dick or Harry.

You gotta

when we have we ha thank you for voting for me.

And I'll that is my promise.

Yeah.

And and to the m to the America to the to the end.

They're g they they're get they're getting mad at him for grabbing s grab.

They say he grabbed somebody, but

if you're going around grabbing people, there's going to be a a record of it.

And they're going to have the records, it skips, it scratches.

That's what hip-hop sounds like.

My recollection.

We all remember back in the hip-hop days, a lot of crime.

And was that the best answer, my bill?

There's a lot of bills.

does they all does they all did they have mistakes you can't it's on tuesday you can't even

what's come back friday you get it's come back friday down a down at ruby tuesday

you come in and you say i'll call you a faggot and if you have a good comeback then you eat pussy for free all night pick any waitress she's yours we'll fucking lather her up with honey barbecue sauce all over her pussy and you can be like a pig in a slop.

That's what they used to say.

When I first came to

Dover, when I ran for biggest dick in Dover,

they didn't even have

Buffalo Wild Wings back then.

You had to go around in your car and find a waitress.

You hold her down and you call your friend on a party line.

Back then you had to crank the telephone and you'd say, bring over the honey barbecue sauce.

I'm trying to eat pussy.

And Biden delivering his victory speech tonight.

A return to normalcy.

Democracy has been restored.

Fascism has been.

Fascism is defeated.

And America is safe for at least another four years.

And we now go back to the president, who's now demonstrating how he would eat the pussy in his hand.

They say, stay away from the sides because the sides is like a crust on a peanut butter jelly sandwich.

You don't remember that.

You'd be a kid and tell your mom, hey, mama, cut off the crust here.

But what happens to the crust?

You feed it to the retarded brother you have in the attic, locked up there.

And it was his genes

that probably caused the Hunter situation.

I love him to death, but

I look at him and I say, Hunter,

you've you've got scooters violence in them.

Uncle Scooter's in.

You've got Uncle Scooter's violence in him.

We used to blow cigar smoke up through the floorboard cracks and drive him nuts.

You hear him up there bashing his head against the joystick.

Biden continuing his victory speech

here tonight.

The best part, the funniest part is how mad Hillary Clinton probably is.

Even fucking Richard

Biden.

Biden

probably safely say that he won at this point.

I mean, who knows?

And

it wasn't a blowout at all.

No, he squeaked by.

And the reason it wasn't, the reason the Democratic Party is in such a bad spot now, and if he had lost, it would have 100% been Hillary Clinton's fault

for running in 2016.

The mess of the Democratic Party was created by Hillary Clinton's insistence on running in 2016.

Despite half of everybody hating her.

And even the people that like her not being thrilled.

But she's a girl boss.

And, you know, she deserved it.

She was owed it.

It was her time.

No, I was thinking.

Which also you can say now is that Donald Trump got more votes than Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, he beat Hillary.

He beat her.

He won the electoral square.

And he also got more votes.

You add up both elections.

It's almost double.

It's more than double what she got.

That's true.

That's going to be his speech.

I beat her again.

If you think about both, if you have two elections, I did two of them.

People voted for me twice as much as Joe Biden did.

If you add him up.

So it'd be the popular vote.

People voted for me twice.

The only people who voted for Joe twice are the ones that forgot they already voted.

That's why they like him.

Sleepy Joe.

He's got a retarded brother, you know.

Scooter.

He kept

scooter.

This is true.

He had him in an attic.

They beat him to death with bricks.

They wanted to get rid of him.

I wouldn't do that with my family.

If I had a retarded brother,

we'd put him in the yard.

Put him in the yard, get him a nice costume to wear.

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Sure.

You know, if only there was something like weed

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But in case that you're still afraid.

Unless you're in like fucking Montana or something.

No, I think Montana, like, it's legal too.

I think it's legal.

No.

I think there were like five states that went for Trump that legalized it.

Man, nice.

Legalize it.

I think everyone's for it.

Maybe I'm wrong about that.

Adam is probably wrong.

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Yeah, and put that in the siphon and see which one of the losers want to pretend that they're high.

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I got a nice little lamp for my living room, so it's real dark in my apartment now.

Nice.

Except for this lamp, and I just got a little bit more.

I got like a moody lamp.

Yeah, I sit there and I smoke my CBD pre-rolls by myself.

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There I am smoking in my office.

And she walks in like a tall glass of...

You used to call it hoo-ha milk.

Remember that?

I do.

That's where the mailman would come by and bring all the milk to everybody,

and he would

bring it to your mom or your aunt, and she would fuck him.

And that's

cock, and she would spit it into the rest of the bottle.

She would hide his cum in the milk so

your dad wouldn't find out.

That's what they call it.

That's the only way to hide it.

That was what they called hoo-ha milk.

And then your dad would come home and he's like, what the fuck is wrong?

Why does this milk taste so bad?

It tastes horrible.

and your mom would say like bubble gum and then a penis and your mom would say nothing

why is it flow what's floating up here

president biden

it's just nice to feel like the president is in control again yeah just as decorum once more yeah just the president of china listening on like a headset and like his eyes just going back and forth Yeah.

Much apologies,

but I do not know what you are saying.

Thanks for the congratulations.

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Did you talk about all the different lines there?

Dude, they got fucking

hustle.

They got energy.

They got dreams.

Yeah, they got relaxed.

They got relaxed.

Adam

smokes with his asshole before he gets absolutely pounded.

He has the bull top that he rents,

who he gets off of Task Grabbit.

Hits his workaround.

He hires hot guys off Task Rabbit.

They blow, yeah, from Ask Grabbit, which is gay Task Grabbit.

And they blow Cushy Dreams relax smoke.

They shotgun into his asshole.

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The good shit, bro.

Every can size three and a half grams, KA an eighth.

They used to call it an eight ball.

And we would get it.

We would go out to the club, and you know, you'd be dressed up like a policeman or a Native American, and you get an eight ball, and you take it into the bathroom.

And this is before, it's not the new bathrooms.

You still had the guys, they were hanging out with guys and girls.

You know,

they didn't have cocks.

Back before our women had cocks.

This is probably the worst Joe Biden impression.

No, it sounds bad.

Sounds just like you, man.

I can't even.

I've never been hard.

They say get hard, and it's what you don't even, you don't even, you don't even have a your penis doesn't even you don't even wipe your penis after you pee.

I wipe my penis.

Donald Trump is saying he goes to the bathroom, he doesn't wipe his penis.

And is that who, is that the kind of

guy?

Yes, yes, you got to wipe your penis.

God,

you know how everybody was like, Donald Trump's going to be good for comedy.

And I said, no, he won't.

Biden will be great for comedy.

Yeah.

This will be the inverse.

Yeah.

And it's bad news for girls.

Oh, no.

They have to comment.

Because they don't know how to do comedy.

Well, the one thing I say that did soothe me while I was, you know, watching all that election stuff and getting anxious was some hard political satire from Sarah Cooper from Netflix.

So that I will say, it was nice to calm me down to see somebody take it to Trump by repeating what he said and not doing that.

Is that the lip sync, girl?

Yeah.

Oh, it looks like high-quality marijuana, by the way.

Yeah, we said that.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

We got that part.

And it's grown in California and Oregon?

Yep.

Yeah.

Well, no, but yeah, that's good.

It's independently lab test.

Oh, yeah.

That's nice.

It's not part of some big conglomerate of labs.

It's its own.

It's a little lab, a mom-and-pop lab you can trust up there fucking shit.

They used to call them, they call them mom-and-pop stores.

They called them poop and pee stores.

I remember that.

They used to.

Because you go in during

in the hard times and the hard knock days, back when you had to squeeze two pennies together to get a piece of pussy.

You go in the poop and pee store, you get a loaf of bread, it comes with a turd.

And you take the turd home and you put it on the mantle above the fireplace and you wait till it dried out and you put candles in it, and that was Hanukkah.

That's how we did Hanukkah in our household.

Joe, you're Catholic.

You never was a cat.

You never had Hanukkah.

Well, we did Hanukkah.

Back then, Catholics were Jews.

Back in those days,

the Catholic church was actually the Jewish church.

And the Jewish church was the bank.

The Jews, back then, those were just guys who had jobs.

And then the Catholics, they all got jobs, and the Jews, they had to leave.

Now they became guys who just missed the bank.

And Then we gave them their own country, so as I understand it.

So, well, they say, oh, Joe,

you better, we got to tell you something now.

The Jews got their own country.

So you're going to need to start a church for yourself.

Everybody's going to have their own church inside their house, I promise.

Everybody gets

their own church.

But talking about

Donald Trump's going to get rid of preexisting conditions, we're going to put a tiny church in everybody's house with little figurines, and it opens up, and you can see here's the steeple, and here's all the people.

And you can do it on your hands.

And that would be the church.

And you could do it on your...

Everybody's got two hands that can make a tiny church.

Make a tiny church.

And we're going to make the tiny church open it up.

Here's all the people.

Here's the people.

In a similar way, what's the other one where you do that, and it's a little baby's dick?

It's a pussy.

No, no, no.

Where you put your two hands together?

It's the baby.

Yeah,

here's the baby.

Here's the diaper.

Oh, yeah, that one.

Somebody did that to me when I was like...

I remember my parents, we went to...

It was something where you listen to a sales pitch for a time share and you get like free tickets to Bush Gardens.

Right, hell yeah.

So we went and did that, and they just put like the children in the room for an entire day while your parents have to like pretend to be interested in a timeshare or whatever.

And there was some kid there that did the baby penis thing, right?

And I was like, sir, that is one of the funniest things.

Oh, dude.

When I first got to that, when I was like, oh my fucking put her there.

It was also,

I was probably like in kindergarten or first grade.

And this was like a like somebody in like third or fourth grade.

Immature.

So I was like, this is a grown man.

This is an adult male

wising me up to the world.

Dude, what was the rhyme, though?

I'm forgetting it.

He just said, here's the baby, here's the diaper.

Open the diaper.

Maybe that was a little bit.

Made like a piss noise.

He was pissing all over.

Pissing all over.

I remember there being a piss noise.

Yeah.

That's funny.

I was like, ha ha ha.

I'm not a baby.

I'm not a baby.

A lot of people think I'm a baby because I wear a diaper.

Just because you wear a diaper doesn't mean you're...

Look, there's a lot of different kinds of babies.

Sometimes you say baby and you mean a pretty girl.

You see a pretty girl and you say, there's a baby right there.

And we go live to the president.

And the president now is addressing the nation.

The respect.

Can't wait to watch the speech.

He's got to get all those kids from the pool from the corn pop video.

Get him back there.

It's so funny how bored those kids look in that video.

It would be funny wearing little kid bikinis.

It would be funny if he's sworn in and there's like a second like the coronavirus sees it's becomes a seasonal virus and then next year it kills like six million Americans.

That would be good.

And people are like, well, at least he's not a fascist.

At least we don't have a fascist president.

That's fascism.

Yeah, it turns out having no strategy was actually the best strategy for the virus.

It kept it down.

Joe, damn.

Joe's strategy killed everyone.

Everyone with a big penis, that is.

Yeah, and then we will be left.

We come out of this.

And in the land of the small penis.

How about this?

The three orange mans.

Is that it's

an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things.

I did know that, yeah.

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You remember the song Lowrider and about the car?

It goes up and down like an elevator.

And I always, I remember I used to say, elevator,

well, how come you got elevators and you got elephants?

But

they ain't the same, and that's why you never judge a book by its cover.

Thank you, Mr.

Biden.

Thank you, Mr.

Biden.

Thank you, Mr.

Biden.

And that's the folksy wisdom that people.

I would love to.

I remember going to see Thomas Edison kill an elephant.

And everybody was trying to smooch it.

They put big old,

they got fire hydrant paint, and they put lipstick on the elephant, and we all tried to have sex with it.

They shaved the elephant's pussy.

They put

back.

We got the whole stickball team together and we

back then they didn't have duct tape so we used twine to

tile our cocks together so it would reach the walls of the elephant's pussy.

And we all went down to downtown New York

and came all the way from Delaware.

Back then you used to walk to New York from Delaware.

By the time we got there, which was very difficult because you have to keep in mind we tied our dicks together.

All our cocks were tied together.

We did that.

We did that in Delaware.

And then we marched all the way to New York.

By the time we got there, Edison had already killed the thing.

Oh, the pussy had been fucked.

And I don't know, maybe this expression is lost to time, but you can't fuck a dead elephant.

It turns out you can, though.

It was actually the lesson we learned from the future.

People used to say that all the time.

That's where it came from, because we did.

and boy were people mad

oh man just eight fucking eight little newsies with their dicks tied together going to town on a fucking elephant yeah just orphan biden

came all the way from scranton hey you joe biden the guy with the retard brother in the attic

yeah that's me

Listen, we're all gonna tie our dicks together and go fuck an elephant up in Brooklyn.

You squazz, or what?

Listen, Flip Top.

Either you tie your cock to mine with this twine, or you're a freaking queer.

I experienced bullying myself that day.

So I know what it's, I know how it feels to be,

you know, get your dick tied to

getting your dick tied and stuck inside an elephant.

Getting your dick tied to juice balls and stuck inside an elephant.

Trans, trans bathroom kids saying that they getting they're being suicide bullied in class, and I know that because I've got my dick stuck in an elephant,

they had to cut the elephant's pussy open with the jaws of life.

Those were new at the time.

Back then, it was an actual shark.

And guess how they got the shark to bite?

That's right.

We had to fuck the shark.

We had to fuck the shark.

Somebody else had to fuck the shark.

It was a fuck economy.

And that's what we're bringing back: the fuck economy.

The sex workers.

It's a sex pop.

It's sex workers.

The Biden administration will be

the most

for the only fans.

And we are going to show our pussies.

And join me here in a prayer for every pussy.

Another thing you can do is you can buy a Ridge Wallet.

Oh, wow.

That's the other thing is

everybody's got.

You've got to put all your money in it, but then you forget it.

And then where's your wallet go?

It's a great point.

I'm always forgetting my money.

You know where the, you know, when you lose the copy and you can't find

the copy for Ridge Wallet because you didn't put it in the folder.

It's been a while since we've done a read and it's been a while and you don't have the PDF.

I'm really happy to have them back, though.

PDF pussy dick.

Fuck.

That's what I thought.

Is that what it is?

Important points.

This video is brought to you by the Ridge Wallet.

It's light, sleek, and industrial.

It doesn't fold or awkwardly bulge.

You know what?

Fuck it.

I use it.

That's right.

It's a Sennis one.

And it really is.

You know, because Lewis does this shit.

He's like, I really use this, bro.

This knife that's an alarm clock, whatever it is, right, right, right, right, right.

But I remember, because

I did like Legion of Skanks or whatever, and he had one of these.

And I was like, that's the gayest.

But it takes like maybe like two or three days to get used to.

Yeah.

Yeah, because it's a front pocket wallet.

It's not the traditional back pocket.

That's not the fucking point.

That's not the point.

Well, no, you're used to having a copy.

No, but you're used to sitting on a copy.

What do you mean?

I'm having an honest moment with the copy.

And you're trying to fake it.

Your butt is used to sitting down.

I have never, even with a traditional wallet, put it in my back pocket.

Never.

How about that?

Maybe you do when you're out in the park after 18.

To make your ass look fatter.

Does anyone want to steal my cash?

I'm trying to get my cash.

I hope no one takes my cash.

I hope the Central Park 5 doesn't

put a stone across the back of my head and rape me.

Well, I put the Central Park 5, but I'm hoping for a Central Park 8 and a half.

I'm looking for a Central Park 8 and 3 quarter.

8 and 3 quarters.

Just leaving

a trail of pennies

that leads directly into my ass.

No, I wouldn't do that.

Yeah, so the reason it takes a little bit to get used to is because it looks fucking weird.

It's like two little fucking

slats of metal.

With an elastic.

Because they gave us a couple, and I got the carbon fiber one, and I think I gave the aluminum and steel ones to

lessers.

Wasn't that us?

Yes.

I never got one.

So maybe just you.

I think I gave it.

Well,

they don't make big fat guy wallets.

I don't want to fucking.

There's not enough room in here for

I don't even have a wallet.

So thank you very much.

What do you have?

I have a little fucking case on my

individual.

Whatever Nick's about to say, I don't care if you can.

All of his bills he bakes into fortune cookies.

So anytime he has to spend...

Carry around a big bag.

He gets a little treat.

Something costs $100.

I have to eat 100 fortune cookies before buying it.

And don't be like Stavros.

Get the ridge one.

It's true.

It's a weight loss program.

I love this thing.

It came with a screwdriver that's like in case you need to tighten it.

But I've had it for like fucking two years, and I've never needed to tighten.

I don't know what the fuck is it.

And I will

literally does use it.

If you're a dumbass, it stretches out the elastic because you're like, I don't know where my cards are.

Maybe that's a problem.

I'm good.

You can use it with one hand.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

And you can push the cards out.

A lot of people listen to it.

You're jacking off and getting your card out.

I have Parkinson's disease.

Nick's shaking something fierce.

I have muscular dystrophy.

And even I, as a disabled person,

have no trouble using this thing.

Yeah.

But it would be funny if I was like a paraplegic.

Yeah.

We were doing the show.

If you were in a wheelchair?

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

That would be a good trump card for you to get in complete trouble and then just bust out the eventually in a wheelchair.

I was like, I don't know why it made me laugh so hard, but just imagining using one of those motorized wheelchairs.

Just it, that's it?

Just because, yeah, but just like,

I can't, because it's such a dumb, obvious bit, but like, just being like, oh, I'm just, I'm tired.

The ones where you have to control with your mouth, yeah, just like fucking, but like the same posture as Stephen Hawking, yeah, and people being like, What's your disease?

I'm like, I'm just, I'm just warming up, wipe it out, I'm fucking tired.

It's been a long day, it's been a long day, and I want to get a fucking bath.

I want to get a fucking sponge.

I'm trying to get a tongue bath for Matai.

Didn't Stephen Hawking get his get jacked off by the lady that was changing his diaper?

Yeah, he faked

the Stephen Hawking's disease so he could have a lady that changes his diaper.

I swear to God, I heard he fucked you with the lady.

I saw it on a YouTube.

This guy that does Stevie Wonder isn't blind.

Marisol, did you know that the center of the universe is my asshole?

If you lick it, you'll experience the knowledge of God.

Nice, very good.

I did not know that.

Well, there is only one way to find out.

Do not wipe the Sazon off your lips before you do it.

I knew somebody that could do Stephen Hawking perfectly.

That's not one you need to do perfect.

But he could do the robot.

He just go, I am gay.

Sure, but I mean, it does add something to it.

Sure.

Yeah.

You're not worse off doing it perfect.

Every impression you don't know starts or ends at meatwad.

This is projection.

No.

It's absolutely not.

You were doing Whoopi Goldberg as Meat Wad just the other day.

I'm not good.

I've never claimed to be a voice guy.

Yeah.

But Bill Cosby ends up as meatwad.

I'm more of a voice hobbyist.

I'm not a voice guy.

You're closer to voice guy than I am.

I don't do voices.

Maybe.

You could if you...

You know what's stopping you from being a voice guy?

Fear.

No.

Cowardice.

I'm too old to be afraid.

No, you don't want to be known as a.

Because you're you're a better comedian than voice guy.

You don't want to be known as a voice guy and fail at it.

You know,

they say that people who are afraid are actually fucking...

They got a bunch of shit in their brain.

Are you serious?

Is that what the old guys at Ridgewall would say?

That's me,

Christopher Maloney.

Not only can I not get the impression I don't know any of the people's names.

Anybody recognize this character?

He's the guy from, I think he was in the firm.

I think he was one of the guys in the firm.

Woo!

Yeah!

Just looking at some woman you're going to try and fuck after the show, ma'am.

Maybe you can recall some sperm out of my penis.

If you catch my drift,

yeah.

You should be able to to fuck girls after the show.

I remember when we would come out here, we were like rock stars, politicians.

Yeah.

You could fuck girls after the show.

You know, Biden was getting so much pussy.

Yeah.

When I lived in Austin, there was a guy that was like, Do we really do have to finish the ridge?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's the code?

And it's a beautiful product with a beautiful phone case.

No, straight up.

But other products.

I do, right?

Phone cases.

Here, hold on.

They make

ridge.com/slash come town

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They gave us our own website.

Ridge.com.

Shut up, dude.

I'm sorry.

Shut up.

Jesus Christ.

You know what?

Come on, Jesus.

Jesus.

Just finish the shut the hell up.

Shut up, man.

Come on, dude.

COVID-19 cases surging nationally.

Wow, sounds like God is a little unhappy about the results of the election.

There's no other way to read that.

It's fucking God, dude.

Fucking piece of shit.

What's the Pope up to now?

It's like every two weeks the Pope's like, it's actually, it's good to get fucked in the ass.

If you get fucked in the ass, you are like God.

Yeah, I don't know.

He seems kind of cool.

I like him.

He's Argentinian, but not a Nazi.

Yeah, he's one of the

good people.

He seems not to be flashy.

He's probably not having gay sex.

Yeah, he doesn't like fancy stuff.

He probably would be straight, but isn't, because he's

asexual.

People used to say that about JP too, that he got pussy before he became a priest.

Which is cool.

Ridge.com slash come town 10% off your order.

I implore you.

Check it out.

Implore.

I implore you.

We implore you to check out the website.

I'm telling you, I love this.

We cannot urge it

in a more strong way.

So just head over there and say, Nick implored you.

Yeah.

Tell him Nick implored me.

Oh, my replacement jump rope is out for delivery.

Wonderful, brother.

I got to start jump roping again.

Okay.

It's really good.

Nick is in a double-dutch team with some neighborhood girls.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, double.

Are you laughing at me laughing at you?

Yeah,

it's reversing the sarcastic laugh.

Yeah.

You guys actually are both on a double dick team, and it's when you suck dick.

You know what I found out today?

You know what I found out today?

What?

Kangaroos have double-pronged penises because kangaroo chicks have double pussies.

That's pretty tight, actually.

I wonder how Adam found that out.

I found it in the hard way.

You used to have to suck a kangaroo's dick just to get on the boat.

What boat, Mr.

President?

We used to take a boat.

If you want to go to England back in the day, you had to go through Australia.

That's true.

You might may think it took 22 years to meet the Queen

from Dover to London.

Dover to Calais.

The cliffs of Dover.

Is that about Delaware?

Yep.

Yeah.

The beautiful cliffs of Dover, Delaware.

This is an appropriate reaction to this boring dog shit election: is to have a boring reaction to it.

Yeah.

But to still see.

Wow.

Election update.

I so give a shit.

I mean, how the fuck does anybody care at this point?

After the last four years,

how could you give a shit about anything?

I kind of

wanted to hold Bernie.

I was hoping Bernie was in the middle of the day.

Oh, yeah, Bernie was in the primary.

If Bernie was in the primary, my dick would be hard.

I'd be watching everything.

Since the South Carolina primary,

I've been checked out.

Dude, I remember when we thought Biden was absolutely toast.

He was so.

Then his bitch-ass won South Carolina, who gives a fuck?

And then

Obama got off the fucking hang glider

with fucking Richard Branson.

He was like, oh, I'm gay.

And they were doing a gay 69 on the hang glider.

Everybody's got them over joke.

Yeah.

And then Pete Butterj was like, okay.

And then fucking Amy Klobuchar was like, I'm a bitch.

Hi.

Yo, what's she doing?

What's

Lob Nabachar could do up?

Her husband got COVID.

Ooh.

But I think he got got through it.

Oh, I guess Anderson Cooper accidentally called Twitter Clitter.

Hell yeah.

Wow.

Dude, he's probably straight.

He's been lying.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, he was lying to get his fucking career ahead.

And now it's proof that he likes pussy.

Let's do some

declaring victory, claiming that fraud was being committed, and making false statements on Clitter,

excuse me, on Twitter, essentially saying that

straight much.

I love the media.

This guy's fucking straight, dude.

But I think what you're saying about Trump, like the people,

I can't get enough of it, dude.

Why don't you hit me more of the...

It was, let me hear some of the news, the hits from the news.

Me?

No.

Love for your phone?

Yeah, whatever.

Okay.

No, I think what you were saying about people being wrong about Trump being good for comedy is absolutely right.

Like, it's going to be nice to not care who the president is anymore.

We can all move on with our lives.

Well, he wasn't good for comedy because he was doing all the bits.

Yeah, Biden was

easy to laugh at.

Yeah.

So is Kamala.

She's fucking lame.

Yeah.

And the difference is you would laugh with Trump.

Yeah.

I think it'd be nice if I was trying to say this earlier, but if we all agreed to lie to Trump that he's still the president, like knocked him out for a day, built White House 2, and then just Truman showed him.

So we could keep watching the show that we've been watching.

So we could, yeah, keep getting some nice fucking yeah dude press conferences put up set up fake set up fake campaign rallies for him see like what bits he's throwing he's doing on the road yeah i'm gonna miss it you know he's dude he's gonna have trump tv he's gonna be around forever dude but his guys like

you know there's something special about how hard they go for he's gonna run for president again the fuck why wouldn't he how old is he 73 who cares it doesn't matter you know he's running again he's gonna live to 100 he loves running dude he loves the road.

Yeah.

You know they're going to fill up fucking arenas for his ass.

Yeah.

What we got to do is get a fucking sniper

and say what's up to the Supreme Court.

You know what I'm saying?

And I won't say anything further.

You want to kill Sonia's Sotomayor?

No, first of all,

Sonia's good with me.

I feel that she's named after Immortal Kombat.

Yeah.

I'm cool with her, but I'm just saying.

What's soda mayor mean in Spanish?

Spicy bread?

Spicy mayonnaise.

I thought so.

It's an aioli.

Yeah.

Her ancestor was back from the village had the spiciest pussies that tasted like mayo.

I'll tell you, I could go for some spicy bread right now.

You got spicy?

What is that?

I don't know.

I'm going to invent it.

Like a cheese stick.

No, I'm going to invent that dish.

It would have to be, it would have to be oil-rich, something like ciabato.

Getting on Tinder and inviting Latinas over to me.

I'm whipping up some Sodomayar tonight

if you wanted to come over and experience your culture.

It does sound good, like you've never experienced it before.

Oh, yeah, that's all.

I'm gonna shove food in your pussy.

I'm gonna put fucking sliced bread with puppetillo, put on

put on this ring in case I need favors,

this ring so I can summon you in the other as part of the shadow organization.

Nick's pussy angels.

Well, Adam, what's new with you?

I heard you made a plan with a friend of ours to go to the batting cages and that friend invited me.

So I just hope it's okay if I come with.

Yeah, certainly.

All right.

I'm acting.

What else is this?

Anyway, I'm busy.

You want to come on Friday?

No, I was telling Nick I'm busy and I can't come anymore.

No, it was someone else you invited?

I'm talking to you.

I'm talking to the batting cages too.

I'm talking to Nick.

Scott was already invited, actually.

I'm talking to Nick, and I'm saying I'm busy, I can't come anymore.

All right, so I'm not about necessarily the batting cages.

He'll know what I mean.

You guys made another plan?

Well, he'll know.

Like, I don't know why the fuck you got a bunch of investors.

Stop

we were going to Cheesecake Factory to split the menu.

Yeah, we're doing the taster menu.

Doing the tasting menu and cheesecake.

I remember.

I rented the whole Cheesecake Factory.

We should get tuxedos and top hats and go to Cheesecake Factory and just be like the entire thing.

Oh,

hand the menu back.

What do you think that would cost?

It's really $350.

It'd be like $2,000.

Then let's do it.

No, it's more than $2,000.

Me and stuff.

What are we going to do?

Get three tuxedos?

Yeah, come on, man.

We can get a third tuxedo.

Then people are going to be like, what are you?

The three tenners?

And then it's going to be embarrassing

rather than the two John Wicks.

John Wick doesn't wear a tux.

He wears a tuxedo.

No, he wears a full tux.

He wears a tux.

Everyone knows that.

He's got tails.

Yeah.

The top hat.

Of an umbrella.

John Wicks.

And he's always doing this with his hands.

That's

really twirly gay.

That's what John Wick does all the time.

This is a

Captain John Wick.

I've seen the movie, dude.

I know all about it.

That's not in the movie.

I've seen, I'm familiar with John Wick.

I've seen it.

I know all about it.

I know all the cool lines.

I know what he dresses like.

You're not going to prove that I haven't seen John Wick because it's Rated R.

So drop it.

So just drop it.

Just drop it.

I'm allowed to see Rated R movies.

And he has seen.

And I have seen.

Not only is he allowed, but even...

And he's not afraid of.

He's not afraid of Rated R mo movie.

I'm not afraid of Rated R movies.

And he would break the rules if he wasn't allowed.

Yeah, if I wasn't allowed, I'd be seeing them anyways.

Radadar isn't scary for you a little bit?

No, not even.

I thought you said it was a little scary.

No, I've never said anything like that.

You kind of alluded to that.

Roller coasters, movies, and stuff.

All the grown-up stuff I do.

Halloween stuff?

Is that scary to you?

No.

No.

Yeah.

No.

All that stuff's cool.

I'm not afraid of it.

I smoke cigarettes too, and I drink beer.

Yeah.

You started SIGs?

Well, when I watch radar movies.

Yeah, when I watch radar movies, I like to get fucked up off SIGs.

I smoke so much SIGs.

Me and my friends are getting messed up off SIGs while watching radar movies.

We're getting buzzed off SIGs.

You used to get fucked up while watching radar movies.

Back then

they called it snuff.

And we would hang out and we'd watch a man get beaten to death with a hammer on 8mm.

And that was a Tuesday.

They called that a Tuesday night special.

It was a guy named Ricky.

He would come by at a little 8-millimeter.

He'd set it up and he'd project it on the side of the auto body shop down in downtown Dover.

And it was a clip of a Chinese guy getting his brain bashed in with a ball peen hammer up in Dorchester.

Oh, so you knew the guy who did it.

And

welcome to America 2021, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, next year is going to be better, guys.

Yeah.

It's only up from here.

And that was the episode of Calm Time.

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