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Your ring, your way.
Check.
You gotta wait a second after you hit record, and then you hit play.
Nice.
You wait until the record turns red, and then you hit play.
Welcome to listen.
This is listen up with Sergi and Mr.
Pussykov.
This is you are uh you are listening to the Mediterranean podcast.
You are listening to the worst part of the world podcast.
I am going to get me some pussy, man.
This is this is a podcast produced by the cultures that only had seas.
They were not exposed to the beautiful atl the the life-giving Atlantic,
the ocean that created culture.
Beautiful, man.
And
it's
an inverse
component, the Pacific, which creates culture, but it's sort of a mirror image of the Atlantic one.
I disagree.
What do you mean?
I think.
You're wrong.
No, I disagree.
You're wrong.
Welcome to Come Town.
Welcome to Come Town.
Welcome to Cometown.
The show that never ends.
This is the show that never ends until unless we get some absurd amount of money unless and then I will
buy a giant garage and go on this
and use it to make one like a killdozer like that guy
and then go to war with the state
this is the show that never ends until we have a reasonable amount of money to fund a war against the government that's right I would love to take up arms against the government with my brethren.
What would the first target of your war be?
What's the most unjust part of the federal government to you?
I don't know.
Really, she's not even part of the government.
This is our last episode before the election.
Really?
Yep.
Oh, we got shit.
We got the weekends episode, but we were ready to record it.
We already recorded that.
This is the last one before the election.
This is our last one.
And Comtown officially endorses
Michael Bouble.
No, everyone voted the Nobel Prize in singing.
Everyone voted in Frank Penis.
Yeah.
I don't know.
There's a couple of things that kind of swung me in the Biden direction recently.
Okay, I'm listening.
Let's hear it.
One, using Amtrak.
Right.
He loves Amtrak.
Loves the trains.
Oh, yep.
We should have known.
Two, Donald Trump is trying to defund Amtrak.
Uh-oh.
For real?
Yeah.
Fuck that, dude.
Biden wants to expand.
You know what I want to do?
Now he's gone too far.
Completely defund the post office and replace the post office with Amtrak.
Imagine a train bringing mail to everyone's house.
Just lay down tracks on the sidewalk.
Everywhere.
Every single street.
And people are
thinking, like, isn't that dangerous?
What about kids splaying out on the street?
Fuck them.
Fuck that.
Fuck choo-choo them.
We're trying to radically expand.
You can take an Amtrak everywhere.
You're telling me those kids won't be excited when the mail train comes?
Amtrak has its problems, but if anything, it needs even more money.
Yes.
And what we need to do is
any governor or state or local level government that gets in Amtrak's way, immediately everyone in that executive office is executed.
Yep.
By train.
They get tied up and thrown on the tracks like a silent movie.
Larry Hogan wants to complain about bag left trains.
You know, we're just cutting up his habits.
We're going to have to get away by his fat little fucking neck pussy.
We're putting his little watermelon head in a hippo's mouth.
That's right.
And crushing it.
We're going to be like, hey, Larry, guess what?
You get cancer again.
Yeah.
Nice try.
Good luck going two for two, bitch.
Nice job sounding like a cartoon pig that sells sausages at a gas station.
He will name.
You know what he did?
You know
how he's voting for president?
He literally rode in Ronald Ray.
Yeah.
What a gay lord.
What a fucking loser.
I want to have diarrhea in his mouth.
Yeah.
I think he wants to run.
You're a bitch, Larry.
He thinks he wants to run for a while.
He thinks that he, Larry, fat Larry Hogan, can be president.
No chance.
But
it's the fatal flaw of not understanding that the rest of the country hates Maryland.
Right.
They either don't know about Maryland or
you're absolutely correct.
Maryland is the worst state.
It produces the shittiest people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Across the board.
I don't know.
I know two fine gentlemen from Maryland.
Well, that's true.
Look, Stobb's from Greece, and I'm from the internet.
That's true.
That is true.
I'm an immigrant.
I'm half from,
I'm not from Maryland.
I am from Greek Maryland.
I am neuro-atypical.
That's right.
Yeah.
That's true.
Because you go to North Maryland, they're fucking brutal.
You like fucking, you know.
D.C.
suburbs.
D.C.
suburbs, horrible.
Yeah.
The whole state is different.
Fezda sucks.
The whole state is Eastern Shore.
Eastern Shore sucks.
Dick.
One of the worst beaches.
It's fine because it's like that's what we have, but objectively, it sucks.
You have that beach with the horses.
Acadeague Island.
The thing is.
Acadeague Island is cool.
The state's liberal in most part.
The middle of it.
The middle cut, up 95.
That's all liberal.
Yeah, Baltimore.
But
there's none of the fun aspects of being a liberal.
We're like California, where they're like, let's all smoke weed.
Everybody smokes weed.
Everyone's chill.
It's like, let's be liberal, but then also be uptight fucking assholes.
You know?
And get stabbed.
Right.
You can get crack.
Okay.
In most places.
But that's not, it's not like
the peace you love, crack.
You know what I mean?
Come on, share the pipe.
How's the crack these days?
I have, well, I will say, unfortunately, Greektown, they seem to have be to be, no pun intended, cracking down.
Oh, no.
And it seems harder to get crack in my neighborhood than it was when I was a teenager.
I was told that the drugs are bad right now because of the the COVID, they shut down borders or whatever.
Get it out of the way.
If you want to get crack, you can check it out at come.town.
I'm now selling crack.
You can also go to Snobby t-shirts.
Where I'm also selling crack, you can also go to patreon.com/slash come town
to buy crack for us.
That's true.
I'm selling like a CBD-style crack.
I'll say this: the amount of messages I get of like people that want to be on the show, but they want to be on the show in the way that people used to be on, like, Opie and Anthony, where it's like, I can come on, dude.
You can slip me drugs and staple my balls.
It's like, I don't want to do it.
I don't want to hurt you.
I'll bring my retarded brother on, dude.
We'll get him horny.
Like, I'm just dying.
Like, I'm just dying, dude, like, conduct medieval torture on somebody.
You can come in and put a pyramid into my anus.
You can fucking
slowly spread my anus open using chains and a chair with a pyramid in the seat.
Wow.
Pretty brutal.
That would be fucking awesome, bro.
That's what the Proud Boys do.
You have to name cereals, right?
You just name cereals while they beat up the phone.
Yeah, they whack your body with...
I think like socks with padlocks in it or something.
What?
The Proud Boys do that?
Those motherfuckers just want to be in the skull and bones so bad.
Sorry, bitch.
You'll never have as much sauce as
you can.
the guys in the skull and bones aren't even in the skull and bones.
No, apparently those guys
have that name.
I'm sorry.
It's cool.
You're a bunch of fags.
You could be the Dead Poets Society.
You are not going to be the fucking Skull and Bones.
It's such a cool name.
It is funny.
It's one of the coolest names.
Well, what those guys get.
The Bart Simpson Club of being the guy from the Rage Against the Machine album that set himself on fire.
That's right.
That's my secret society.
What's that club?
The Bart Simpson Club of the guy who set himself on fire for Rage Against the Machine.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yep.
Those who their forces
took my dick and fuck pussy.
That guy was a real ass dude of the week, for sure.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
You know what?
I like that song because I can relate to that.
Because I said that to my mom.
I wonder if anybody else, when I feel like I listen to that and I feel like he's speaking directly to me.
Directly to me.
It's like he took the words out of my mouth, dude.
Yep.
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
I've never
heard it expressed
so succinctly
in such
precise and prosodic terms.
Yeah, you know what, man?
You know what?
I'm going to go ahead and say it.
Yeah.
Suck my dick, government.
The government is fucking gay.
The bank can suck my motherfucking dick, and the government can just eat my fucking ass.
And I will shit into the bank's mouth.
Jim Apple, you can suck my fucking cock.
Rage Against the Machine.
That sounds awesome.
I would love that.
Get a rap, rap, rock, group.
We should start a rap rock.
Remember slavery?
That was fucked up.
But guess what?
It's still going on.
It's called fucking debit accounts with a feed.
Fuck you, bank.
Suck my dick.
Yeah, I'm going to say this.
I liked the audio slave better.
Oh,
that's pretty brutal, dude.
I remember because I used to love Rage Against Machine.
Yeah, for sure.
I was a huge Rage Against the Machine fan.
And then
Chris Cornell's vocals are too fucking slow.
When Renegades of Funk came out, it was just an album of covers.
It was like, what the f just, why did you even release this?
Yeah.
It pissed me off.
Sorry, man.
And then they broke up immediately after.
Yep, and then Audio Slave.
Yeah.
How suck on your dick?
It's kind of an offensive.
It's sort of a slap in the face to Rage Against the Machine.
Yeah, that's who it's offensive.
Yeah, it's like, oh, yeah,
we got most of the guys from Rage Against the Machine and Chris Cornell, and we're starting a band called The Music Boop.
And that's mainly why Rage Against Machine broke up because we pitched the idea of a side project to Zach Du La Roca.
And he's like, I've spent my entire life trying to
free black people through skateboarding and
being white.
Yeah, through, yeah.
You have no idea that I've perfected an idea of black liberation via Skechers commercials.
And you're destroying it by teaming up with Chris Cornell and forming a band called Audio Slave.
It is weird, but I will say some bangers on there.
Yeah.
And I further
my ass and mouth.
I'll folk on your ass.
I come
But I'm straight.
So
you were like,
God, God Smack.
God Smack.
I can't remember what.
I was doing some podcast, and they had fucking that I stand alone song, like either as intro music or something.
It had to be
Lewis was just so getting so into it.
I'm like, this is the most, I'm like, this is the most Lewis moment.
He loves it.
God smack.
He was like, just, ah, stand alone.
That's so funny.
He's getting pumped
to go to a custody trial.
Yeah,
I miss Lewis, but it's like, I don't want to do any more podcasting other than this show.
It's the only context, which I've never, like, I've maybe I've hung, I've quote unquote hung out with Lewis.
The first time I ever met Lewis, we hung out.
Yeah.
And then after the since then, it's just been we were doing blow in the bathroom at the old stand.
That sounds fun.
yeah because we weren't even friends he was like hey uh do you want to do some cocaine
i was like yeah sure yeah
and we became pals but yeah i haven't like you know yeah nobody initiates anything other than bobby yeah bobby the initiator bobby that's what they call him
he certainly is the initiator that's what they call him back in boston oh yeah yeah they call him the initiator
because you know it could be a bunch of guys in the room and nobody wants to say it and then bobby would come in and be like fellas let's just suck each other's cocks, right?
Let's just get down to business and suck each other's cocks.
You're always initiating.
I wasn't going to say it, but since you brought it up,
I mean, it sounds fucking gay, but if, you know, you're in the sick one,
what do I do?
You know, I'm not trying to.
Jason Statham movie, The Initiator.
The Initiator.
It's a guy who makes everyone have gay sex with him.
I'll kidnap Chinese people.
I'm just going to throw it out there.
What if we put Chinese people in boxes?
And I put them in.
I got a Chinese guy in the trunk of my BMW.
And I'm taking him to a transporter.
That's the point of the movie.
I transport things.
But then there's a surprise twist.
Is that the movie's also about transporters meaning cargo boxes?
That's been filled with Chinese people.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Oh, by the way, I do karate.
I'll do karate.
And I do karate in the movie.
And I'm gay.
And also, I'm fucking gay.
Oh, yeah, one more thing.
One more thing.
One more thing, I get buggered in the ass.
It's one of the bad guys that's a candle, brother.
I put all four of the candle holders in my ass.
I take it from a breaker's wrists in my ass.
Yeah, hell yeah.
There's not enough putting things in your ass for defensive purposes in movies.
Who invited this guy to be part of the Fast and the Furious?
Fast and Furious 7 here, Barack Obama.
A lot of people thought it was Dwayne Johnson in the movie, but I guess that's not coming out today.
I thought you were doing Dwayne.
I was trying to.
Sometimes you end up somewhere else.
You can.
You can.
You can't just be Dwayne Rock Johnson.
Sometimes you got to be Barack Obama.
Barack Obama.
Let me be clear.
Let me be clear.
My dick cannot get hard.
It can't get hard.
It's very small.
Also, I'm the transporter.
I'm the transporter.
I've got it.
Back Air Force One, we had a bunch of Chinese people.
Chock full of Chinese people.
You turn them into slaves.
I'm gay.
I don't know what they were doing back there.
Okay.
And my name is.
What was the premise of the transporter also?
That they were.
What were they doing with those Chinese people?
I've never seen it.
You haven't?
No.
Yeah.
I mean, he's like, he has to, he's a driver and he transports things.
I thought it was like
a lot of people.
One time he looks in the trunk and it's a Chinese girl.
And then she's like, My family happy in the kidnapped.
And he's like,
What?
What do you mean, your family?
I didn't think you people had families.
I thought you came out of eggs.
like a termite or some kind of ant.
I thought you was like bees, procreated.
So it's like
they told us in school they explained the birds and the bees, and birds are horse, and bees are Chinese people.
At least that was my understanding.
I was too busy doing karate to focus on my studies.
I'm sorry, what was the birds of the bees?
The bees,
cocks, it's the conversation about sex.
I know, but how the fuck does that even make sense?
Well, I think it's just a euphemism.
But what do the birds?
What do you tell a kid?
I've never had that conversation.
It's the birds have sex to have kids, and bees have sex to have kids.
Although, I don't know if you have a kid.
I thought the bees fucked the birds.
I'm never going to tell my kid about sex.
If they ask, I'll be like, you're never going to get fucked up.
Fucking loser, shut up.
Like, let me tell you right now, you will never get any pussy.
Don't even worry about it.
Dude, you just fucking quit.
Just take up a hobby, get good at posting.
You want to come out here in the garage?
I'll teach you a martial art I've been kind of working on the last 10-15 years.
Yeah.
That's how I got your mom to leave.
I was using it on her.
Yeah, people said she was too mentally ill to ever leave me.
Well,
I called Diane fuck off.
So Vietnamese
style of kickboxing.
The art of dying alone.
Dian fuck off.
Dian fuck you.
Dian fuck off.
Call fuck all the money.
Fuck you, no pay.
Something like that.
There's a lot of different variations.
The point is, you won't be getting any pussy, so you might as well learn how to do a
flying arm bar.
Yeah, how about I just buy you some models?
I'll buy you a flashlight
and I'll get you pornhub premium.
And you can really start beating off.
Yeah.
But forget about that.
Dad, what's that?
What's that?
You want to spend the entire week at grandpa's house?
No?
Okay.
See ya.
Here's the keys.
I'm 13.
Homer Simpson Mullen.
You get in the car right now and drive.
Homer Hunter Biden Simpson Mullen.
You listen to me when I am demanding that that you do something.
Drive to your grandfather's house.
Drive to your grandfather's house and tell him I am drunk.
Tell him you asked what sex is and that I am trashed.
Yeah, you're probably going to have a really gay sex talk, Adam.
With a cat in my anus and the silver spoon.
A little boy, show just.
I'm going to be way too descriptive.
Just like my father father before me.
You're gonna have a daughter, and you're gonna be like, You should have as much sex as you can with Hillary on it, whatever.
And then she's gonna do it, but do it too much.
And then be like, My dad made me a whore.
And you're like, I tried to do the opposite.
Yep.
I tried to use reverse psychology on her because if your dad tells you not to fuck, then you're gonna fuck a bunch of guys.
So I'm gonna be like, hey,
you should be a slut.
And she's gonna fuck so much because
she's gonna get fucked up.
Hey, let the tits, what do they say?
Let the good times roll.
Let the good times roll.
Let the good times roll.
Yeah,
if my son asked me about sex, I'm just going to put that song on
and just close my eyes and slowly shake my head back and forth.
We ask follow-up questions.
Let the good times roll.
Who sings that?
I don't know.
The sucking dicks.
I'd be like, look, ask me later.
I'm on academy.
Beth's such a kind of guy that gets really into bedroom.
Let the good times roll.
Is it the cars?
Yeah, it's like the cars are yellow or something.
One of those.
Not yellow.
I don't know.
Todd Rundgren featuring another guy who
probably didn't get any pussy from music.
The cars, thank you very much.
How about that?
Swish.
That guy, that guy.
That guy gets pussy.
He was the ugly guy with a hot wife.
And I actually fucked his wife, which you like.
Using the Blue Chew.
The petrol.
The pill from the future.
Today.
The dip and dots of dick and
getting your dick hard.
Dick and rocks.
Rock hardcocks.
The dip and dots of rock hardcocks.
When I opened dip and dots here in America, I said if there was only a pill I could take to make my penis hard, I would not have to eat future ice cream.
Well, good news, my friend, because how about this?
Whoop?
Oh my god.
And look at your penis now.
It's still small, but it is erect.
That's right.
We didn't say we're going to make it bigger.
And that's something crucial, guys, because I remember when I first took a couple blue chews, I thought the more I took, the bigger my dick would get.
You know, I made that mistake also.
Mm-hmm.
And it's not, it turns out, no, you will just.
Your dick will get very hard, but you will also have a bad headache.
Yeah, well, that's the thing.
You've got to take them until you have the headache.
Well, that's when you know it works.
Yeah.
Because you get the blood in your head.
You got to blood your dick.
It's like how they tell you to use the faucet when you're a dishwasher.
As everyone who's been on this or listens to the show has been employed as a dishwasher at one point in life, probably.
Right, if not currently.
They tell you to turn the water hot as you can
and then until you turn it hot on your hand until it burns your hand.
You see bone.
Until it burns your hand, then you back it off a little bit.
Right.
And Blue Chew works the same way.
You keep popping those pills until your eyes start to, you see
around the corners, it starts to turn black.
Yes, and you can feel your pulse.
You can really are aware of your pulse.
You can hear your pulse.
And a woman comes over here, like,
you need to snorkel to eat pussy.
Oh, there you are.
Because your capillaries are so fucking...
Yeah.
No, I feel really good.
I feel just,
I know my, I know my, I know, I know my head is red, but just take off my pants and look.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I can't move my joints.
You're just gonna have to ride it.
You're just gonna have to suck my petis.
But look how much it is.
You're just gonna have to suck up my petis because
that's your Bill Cosby.
That's right.
I feel pretty good.
And I said, you know what?
I took the pill, backed off, and I had an extra pill.
I gave it to the lady like a gentleman.
What a dow they're saying that's right.
It's true, folks.
Blue chew has a narcotic effect on the bottom.
That's the thing.
That's what sets Blue Chew apart: it's the only dick pill that also, if a woman takes it, she goes unconscious.
That is not true.
She can't remember the last point first.
The cousin wants to say that.
But it will make your dick hard.
And it's listen.
Hey, Blue Chew, fuck you.
I won't do what you tell me.
Blue Chew, fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.
Blue Chew sounds like a fucking bank.
That's right.
Sounds like Blue Cross, Blue Shield, the goat.
Bang, a well-banked bank.
I think banks and healthcare, same kind of stuff to me.
Yeah.
Hey, Frank Adbuster's here.
Mm-hmm.
Have you ever considered that banks are fucking the same thing?
Yes.
That's sick.
Yeah.
Join me and Zach De La Roca as we
as we free Chinese people from cargo containers.
That's right.
Put there by Jason Statham.
Jason State.
I'm Jason Statham and welcome to Chinese Aid.
It's my
three-day music festival to help out.
I learned about the Chinese.
China.
learner transport.
And it's sponsored by Bluetooth.
And we're saving up money to get them regular eyes.
We're buying glasses.
We've got to buy glasses and Bluetooth for that.
That's right, Jason.
Liz, let's focus on their cocktails.
If the Chinese take a Bluetooth, do they turn green?
No.
No.
That's rude.
According to colour theory.
That's a rude dress.
If you eat ketchup, do you turn it?
Being rude is part of the British.
Do you eat ketchup?
Do you turn pink if you eat ketchup?
Peach, if you're.
Hmm?
That's what I thought.
Now, show us your penis, Jason.
I went bald from eating popsicles.
If I'm a black guy.
I went bald from eating Chinese food.
I went one time, got General Show's chicken.
Four years later, on the Airfell out.
Wow.
That's fucked up, dude.
Now all I want is a little bit of revenge.
So you're turning their eyes regularly.
So I'm recommending.
You're making their dicks hard?
Blue chew that I've lost.
I've lost my thread here.
To be quite honest with you, I don't remember.
Another.
Well, the one thing to remember is if your dick can't get hard because you're too fat or you're secretly gay or you're just not a very matte.
You have low T,
all three of those problems.
Any of those,
then good news because we, the three of us, know for a fact it solves those problems.
And also, it's unconfirmed, but I'm just looking at my friend Stavros over here in his full head of hair.
That's hard.
That it could, doctors,
that's true.
Doctors have not said or denied this, but it does function as a cure to combat male patterns.
That is true.
I have been doing a
licensed, unsubstantial
non-scientific study,
and I have been taking blue chews, and my hair has grown back.
And you can tell I have a beautiful, completely full head of hair.
Yeah.
My hair keeps growing from the Blue Chews.
I have to get it cut.
You also look like you've gained maybe 100 pounds, too.
But it's healthy weight.
Yeah.
It's healthy weight.
Yeah.
It's old man's strength.
It's old man's strength.
Bulk, bulk.
Yeah.
So the important thing is to go to fucking bluechew.com.
Other than the old man's strength is measured in like carrying a box of shit up the stairs once a year.
Yeah.
But you do it with fucking gusto.
Yeah.
You can do that.
You're holding something up.
I feel like, no,
it's handshakes.
Handshakes in hands.
Handshakes in church.
Shoulders.
Where like an old man just crushes you.
Nice, thick, fucking shoulders and a nice fucking thick back.
They still have strong hands.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The rest of them is trash.
To finger pop you with.
Exactly.
But you could still kick them.
Some Some nice fat fucking workmen's hands working their way around and into your ass.
I remember the first time I came to New York to do stand-up.
There was some old guy in a diner afterwards that had been at like whatever bar I did an open like at.
And he's like, hey, come here.
He goes, let me tell you something.
You get older, your hands get bigger, your nose gets bigger, your ears get bigger, your dick gets smaller.
Is that true?
It's like,
okay.
All right, thanks.
That's good, man.
Yeah.
Words of wisdom.
Is that true?
No.
No, it's an old man in a diner and fucking
weird.
I thought that was bigger.
I think it was in Park Slope.
Wow.
That guy lives in Park Slope.
I mean, this was already 40 years ago.
This is back when I was a young man.
It's been kind of a crunchy, hippie place for a while.
So what you want to do, though, and it's important to say this, is go to bluechew.com/slash come town or something and put in the promo code Cometown or Cometown20.
Come Town or Cometown20.
It could be either one of those promo codes.
And you'll get a...
We're not sure.
I think
you'll get first order free, just pay shipping.
Play around with the promo codes until you get up.
Until you get something free.
And then get your roommate to sign up for it.
And then get everyone you know to sign up for it.
Because you want your cock to be hard.
Keep getting those.
If you like sex, you'll love
lucho.com.
The thing is, it's the same active ingredients.
We have to point this out because this isn't some gas station fucking.
the same.
It's not the Chinese goatweed stuff.
Nope.
It's real drugs made by English geniuses.
That's right.
It's made in England.
See, it's made in the Seattle.
It's actually made in the U.S.
Oh, no.
U.S., you fucking.
It's one of the jobs that Trump brought back.
Yeah, that's right.
It's the same shit as Cialis, same thing as Viagra, but the fucking, but without paying those fucking premiums.
And you don't have to go to a doctor and say, doctor, my dick don't walk.
See Alice.
I'd like Alice to see my penis.
That's so fucking true.
Yeah.
Vie agra.
I'd like to vie my agra.
I'd like to ag my vibe, bro.
Yeah.
I'd like to aggravate.
I'd like to via
pussy via my aggression.
My penis.
Yep.
I'd like to grab her
with my cop.
My grab her pussy with her.
When you're a star, you can rape women.
That's what it is.
That is not part of the read.
To be clear, that is Blue Chew.com does not condemn.
It's a quote from the president.
Donald Trump said that.
From the KK president.
Are we supposed to stay silent when he says stuff like that?
Or are we supposed to repeat it?
I'm just saying this is a speak-em-up show, right?
Let's speak up.
Injustices, what are you doing?
I'm on a podcast every week saying defund people.
I'm using our platform.
When history looks back, and this is not a narcissistic thought, this is a very humble,
very, you know,
ethically
ethically pure statement to say that I am going to be on the right side of history.
Yeah, I think so.
You know, people are going to look, they're going to make a statue of me and all the other fat women.
Historians will say that about you.
Yeah.
That is true.
And
I wonder if there's a, there's got to be a guy named Historian.
Yep.
Lattrell Testorian.
Yeah.
You know, there's a guy named Historian
that restocks the mellow yellow at gas station.
Drives a mellow yellow truck.
That would would be awesome.
There's probably like a backpack hip-hop guy named Historian.
That's actually my dick's name.
No, it's not.
My dick's name is Historian.
No, it's not.
Your dick's name is Barbara.
No.
It's got a woman.
It's Mr.
Big.
It's Scrooge McSmall.
No, it's not.
Thank you back.
You can,
first of all,
it's one thing to call it small, but to say Scrooge.
Yeah, Scrooge McMahon.
You're invoking this.
And you have
three tiny balls.
That's why you're always like, yeah, I got two big nuts.
Ha ha.
Oh, no, no, I don't know.
It really is.
It's three small ones.
People say.
Queue, Dewey, and Louie or whatever.
No,
QE Louie in the news.
And they're all the nephews.
My balls are two and they're big and right and bigger than average.
And my dick, though small, is not a Scrooge.
In fact, call my dick generous McSmall.
That's a nice compromise we can all agree on, right?
Can my dick's name please be generous McSmall?
No, there's got to to be a guy named
there's got to be a guy named Historian Generous.
Historian Generous is good.
That is good, but my dick's name is generous.
He's got a little pencil mustache.
Generous Mc almost average.
Shows up at the gym once a week, benches 405 nine times.
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
And then just yells, stay in school, and then leaves and then goes back to his job.
In work boots, completely clothed.
Yeah.
I told you I saw a guy at the gym, like two guys at the gym, but one of them just a wife beater, Dickies, and Tim's, and then he brought a boombox in.
Big respect.
It's like
just recreating jail.
Yeah, this is awesome.
He's about to rape the fucking guy that does the freshens up the towels.
Do you hold his pocket between sets?
No, Adam.
I'm not you.
Got it.
No, no.
From Adam.
From the clock tower.
Doggy.
Come on.
Adam's.
Well, you said he's a bad guy.
You can't just say that when I came up with a burn.
You set him up and he fucking judo flipped you.
Dude, damn, you're so good at that.
You gotta, you left your.
Sniper 3
starring Tom Bellinger as me.
That's right.
That's right.
I rewatched Top Gun the other night.
Nice.
Yeah.
It's bad, right?
Excuse me.
Is it good?
I haven't seen it in like 20 years.
Excuse me.
20 years you saw when you were 10?
Exactly.
Did you just...
I'm sorry, 17.
Excuse the words.
I saw when I was 28 years old.
Excuse me.
Yeah, sorry, Adam.
Someone's trying to get your attention.
Did you just fuck...
What did you say?
Yeah, Mr.
De Niro.
Is that?
No, I don't know.
It's not even clear.
He's clear on the face.
He's doing the frown.
I'm doing
the frown.
He's doing the audio medium.
What about our fucking listeners?
He's doing the squint in the frown.
It's not yet.
That's De Niro.
This is De Niro.
What's up, man?
Do it like this.
He sucks.
He's doing something different.
No.
Robert De Niro is a completely different guy.
He's not
doing before.
No, it was similar.
No, he's just squinting, but his mouth can't see the fucking.
But his mouth is not going as low.
No, it was a different.
He isn't dropping his jaw.
I re-watched Men of Honor also.
No,
the diving movie.
Which everybody mocks Robert De Niro's southern accent in Cape Fear.
But his southern accent in Men of Honor is so much better.
Damn.
Yeah.
You think you're as good as as me, boy?
You will never be as good as me.
Wait, he's a they die?
Cuba Gooding Jr.
is fighting to become the first black diver navy salvage diver.
Yeah.
And he's in one of those like 400-pound diving.
I saw that movie when I was like fucking 13.
I was like, this is the best movie.
I thought it was good.
That's what it was.
That's what I thought about Boondock Saints.
I was like, damn, that's as good as the Godfather.
When I was 11, I was like, hell yeah.
You thought, yeah.
I was like, Bundak Saints.
I was like, Godfather 1, A, Boondock Saints 1, B.
I'm about to Poond Saints.
Yes.
Yes.
That's us, dude.
We have to get some pussy, Eric.
My thee, my lord, my thee.
We need the Father of the Spirit and the Holy Piece of Spirit.
And the holy shit.
That fucked my ass.
I can't wait to get some pussy.
I can't wait.
We're going to beat up that fat bitch and fuck her pussy.
God, there's another assassin who's the shittiest comedian that Europe has ever produced.
That was funny.
And he's, but he's our daddy.
He's our daddy.
And he's in a cage.
It's Billy.
Billy Donnelly.
Yeah, Billy Donnelly.
Yeah.
I remember, what's his name?
He would just do shit like, can you believe it?
Woollen Defoe's.
I saw a woman's fanny.
Yeah, that was most of his stand-up.
I went into the bathroom, and there's a lady, and she's piecing out about a pussy!
And I said, bitch!
What time is it?
Is it pussy bitch o'clock?
Is that Vandam?
That's good.
Yeah.
No, that's a good bit.
That's so much better than anything he's ever done.
Europe's best comedian.
John Clark Van Dam.
I love that.
It's like, I'm so glad that nobody talks about UK comedy anymore.
It's very bad.
It was always bad.
They were just fucking snobs.
Yeah,
Americans, you know,
stand-up sucks.
You realize we don't have a president, don't you?
We have a queen, but we don't have a president.
And last time I checked,
you don't either.
Fucking bullshit, dude.
You know, like, oh, Bill Hicks found success over there.
It's like, yeah, because it's just an American guy being like, we're stupid.
Not that Bill Hicks was unfunny.
Yeah.
But British people just want to feel like they're fucking smart for consuming the shittiest form of entertainment in the entire world.
Yeah, but
their shows are good.
Their stand-up sucks.
What shows?
What shows.
Yeah, any show would be good if you only did three episodes of it.
Imagine if Seinfeld was 10 episodes.
How good it would be.
All the Alan Parcher stuff, Brass Eye.
Peep shows my favorite episode.
Brass Eye, there's fucking, what, five episodes of it?
Peep show is really fine.
Peep show is my favorite sitcom ever.
It's so funny.
No, that's not true.
I looked at your computer.
No, shut up.
Shut up.
Your favorite sitcom ever.
Collar Pocket
Puppies.
The guys that fucking.
Go to the Care Bear.
Yeah.
It's funny.
Adam's favorite show is James Outrageous.
He watches 22 minutes of gay porn every Thursday at 8 p.m.
It's funny.
It's musty TV.
It's on ABC TV.
Joey and Chandler's spin-off.
The two guys that have sex.
Coming up.
They finally fuck.
They finally fuck.
They're finally having sex with each other.
It's Joey and Chandler.
I remember when
Chandler bent over that fountain.
Yes.
Central Park on that.
I thought they do it on the lazy boys.
So no one told you Joey and Chandler are fucking gay.
Well, jokes on you, they're not, but now they're being paid to fuck.
That's the premise of the show.
The whole show is that they're gay.
They're trying to get a million dollars, and someone told them they'd give a million dollars.
It's the movie Indecent Proposal, but every single episode, and they're always getting pleased.
But this time it's different.
I'm pretty sure this guy's a millionaire.
Just every single episode, Joey's like, Chandler, I know you're not going to believe me, but I met a guy on the train.
Joey, if he says that he wants to watch us have sex for a million dollars, don't forget that this has happened 700 times.
This time it's different.
He's going to pay in Bitcoin.
And then Chandler's like, that is different.
Let's do it.
Let's fucking do it, Joe.
Let's have sex.
And then you see Matt LeBlanc's penis.
But it's a get this.
It's a a prosthetic ass.
So they tape an ass on top of Chandler's ass.
But he can feel the very tip of Joey's cock on his ass.
Oh, I thought you meant Joey's ass was a prosthetic, or Joey's dick was an ass.
No, Joey's dick is real, his real dick.
But Chandler's ass is prosthetic.
But if Joey gets really deep, he can kind of, he feels his dickhead almost getting into his ass.
So that way you fucking
maintain some of the verisimilitude of gay sex.
Yeah, that's true.
It's a really interesting kind of taste.
I hate when they don't have verisimilitude of gay sex.
I need, in my art, there better be verisimilitude of gay sex.
Damn, you know what I want is one of those
country cookie ice cream sandwiches.
Oh, those are good.
I was in a fancy supermarket trying to,
I forgot why, but I was trying to find something.
They had fancy ice cream.
I forget why you're on a date.
Yeah, I was on a date.
Oh, I don't even know why I was in that fancy grocery store.
You could have just said you were there.
I forgot why.
But because you added that, what do you mean you do?
Forget why you were in the grocery store.
You went to buy food.
I was getting food.
What the fuck do you mean?
I forget why I was in the grocery store.
I'd never been in that one.
I forgot why I walked in there.
Because you're on a date.
With a guy.
You let it slip, dude.
You were on a date of the game.
I didn't let anybody slip.
Czech fucking mate.
I didn't let it slip.
You let it slip.
I didn't say that.
You slip.
You let it slip.
You let it slip.
Bro, I was here the whole time.
You deduced that.
You were kind of giving us fucking subconscious clues.
You're like, I was in the grocery store.
I mean, maybe I wasn't.
I don't even remember.
I forget.
Never mind.
I wasn't there, actually.
I changed my mind.
The story took place somewhere else.
So you had to.
Where were you at?
They had an assortment of different fancy ice cream sandwiches, different ice cream and cookie combinations.
and it was very, it was very
incredible.
That's awesome.
We're not talking about you,
we're talking about me wanting an ice cream sandwich.
I'm just saying, like,
yeah, dude, what the fuck?
Excuse me.
If we could just for one second,
think about who's going to be on the right side of history.
Let's let Nick finish, and then you can.
I'm sorry, dude.
It's just reminding me of
the state that I was on.
If I may finish,
I would like an ice cream sandwich.
Okay.
Well, we can go to this fancy supermarket.
I'm not finished.
Okay.
I would like an ice cream sandwich very much.
Now I'm finished.
I would like to go.
Now you can tell a different story about your life and not copy mine.
So, what flavors did they have?
Don't ask them about the flavors.
Ask me about what I want.
I know what you want.
Don't tell me.
But I could specify.
Okay, what kind of fucking ice cream do you have?
The bluebell.
Bluebell country cookie.
Yeah, bluebell country cookie.
That's good, man.
That's a good one.
A little south of the border, choco taco, action.
Now we're talking.
Adam.
What kind of flavors did they have?
They had like an oatmeal raisin cookie.
That's what you start with?
No, but that was like one of.
But it was like, it wasn't the typical.
I'm sorry, Nick.
I'm sorry, dude.
All right, sorry.
I really fucked up.
He started with oatmeal raisin.
Oatmeal raisin is good as like, you know what?
I haven't had a shitty cookie in a while.
No, you say that third or fourth.
You say that third or fourth.
Yeah, it's not bad.
You open up with the fucking good ones, motherfucker.
They had two chocolate cookies with a peanut butter ice cream.
Okay, now we're talking.
That's what I wanted to hear.
Mybookie.ag.
And we're back with the show.
And then we're back with the show.
We're back to show.
And we're back.
So if you want to bet on which one of your friends knows what a good fucking flavor of ice cream is.
I'm sorry, bro.
I fucked up.
You can go to mybookie.ag.
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You can go to mypenus.penis.
My penis.ass.
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You can suck my ass.
And it's a new season.
Antonio.
Antonio is actually on the Buccaneers now.
He just got signed.
Satchel Page is on the.
Odell Beckham blew out his fucking ACL.
Yeah, that's sad.
Watch it.
Like what?
He said the N-word.
Did he?
I said the name of the leagues that Satchel Page was in.
No, I don't think so.
That was the name of it.
What was the context you just dropped?
just it was like a weird four-year slip that was fucking that was so good it really was it was because it was like egregious
it was really awesome it was so fucking inexcusable
can you imagine if that happened at a live show that would have been the i would you could you would have been able to hear a pin drop no i know because i would have been losing my
yeah it would have been silent except for me cackling loudest i wouldn't have been able to process what happened i've never said anything of the sort anyway mybookie.ag mybookie.ag is one of these cool-ass websites that ends in.ag
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Oh, all of us love this website.
We love it.
And furthermore, have heard really good things about it.
I love the layout, the fonts.
I bet, I've bet, and I've won over $17,000.
I've definitely even visited the website.
I've clicked on it,
either on a phone or a laptop.
Even when there's a hyperlink in my email.
If there's one thing that's true, I've definitely at least visited the website once.
I think so.
I have not actually visited the website.
I've never looked at the website once in my life.
Yeah, but it's good.
You can bet on how many fantasy points people have.
Prop bets.
They're prop bets.
There's this super spreaders.
Super spreaders.
In-game wagering.
Squares and deals.
It's time to to play the squares.
Bruce Valange.
What do you got up there?
Oh, it's a boy's ass.
I'm eating a boy's ass.
Bruce Valange seems like he would suck someone's dick.
He looks a lot like Michael Moore.
Yeah, he says Wario.
Yeah.
Anyway.
What the fuck did he do, anyways?
I don't know.
You wrote jokes for award shows.
No.
That's his first job.
I think that's what he's known for.
How the fuck did he get fame?
That's a good point.
I think that's what he's known for.
He doesn't do stand-up.
He's known for Hollywood Squares and.
What do you mean he's known for writing jokes for award shows?
I think that's
just a guy in the room, and then people are like, it's so funny how stupid you look and how loud and gay you are.
Yeah.
But people are like, it can't be his only job.
He's had to write it.
People are not going to believe how gay you are.
Can you imagine if you would just stop?
If we had done all this fucking 15 years ago, 20 years ago, you would have ended up just on Hollywood Squares.
That would have been fun.
I used to love Hollywood Squares.
Did you?
I honestly did.
I always hated that show.
Because I just, it was on after school.
Anyway, go to fucking my bookie or whatever the fuck.
Myboogie.aja used promo code Cometown or Cometown20.
I'm pretty sure it's Cometown, though.
I think, yeah, probably.
If you guys want to look up that copy, we're trying this new thing where we don't look at the copy at all.
I think we have it memorized.
Which seems lazy.
But it's not lazy.
It keeps us in the moment.
It keeps you in the flow.
Yeah, when I read the copy.
I learned that from Terrence Howard.
Yes.
Terrence Howard's like, I never look at the script.
I always think about, what if this character had a much bigger dick?
And that's how I that's why I like acting is because it lets me pretend like somebody that's got a big dick.
Yeah, dude.
That's why I like acting too.
Yeah.
That would be cool.
Sometimes I just beat off and everything's the same, but my dick is one inch bigger.
Yeah.
I love it when your dick gets bigger, when it gets hard.
Mine specifically?
No, mine.
It's just you, you know.
You said it to me, dude.
You know, like when your dick gets harder.
Anyway, whatever.
They have prop bets.
They have fucking
in-game wagering.
You can bet on the movie Grandma's Boy.
You can bet on how
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The Madison.
God damn it.
I used to love grandma's weed.
I still love it.
You know,
that's the funniest thing you've ever said that has been said on this show.
I smoke this.
Was that on the show?
Was it?
I think you said it.
I don't know if it was on the show.
When I smoke this weed,
it makes me feel
like a grandma's boy.
Fuck dude.
Salute.
Salute to Al Pacino getting high and say he's making him feel like a grandma's boy.
I don't know why that's the only way I can picture Al Pacino smoking weed.
It's him just looking at a joint and reflecting.
And thinking about the movie Grandma's Boy.
When I smoke this weed,
it makes me feel like a grandma's boy.
It's a funny movie.
It's funny.
It's funny, huh?
I can't do Pacino at all.
Yeah, you nailed it, dude.
Yeah.
Anyway, so buybookie.ag, promo code Cometown, Cometown20.
I'm trying to do Cuomo because he's similar.
They get, what do they get?
They get some.
You can go to the website.
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Another thing to do is go online, find the video of the guy just walking along the rocks near the lighthouse.
And then he stumbles on two
Middle Eastern men sucking each other's skin.
Yeah, that's
a fucking classic.
I love that video.
That is a fucking
like Alexandria and Egypt?
Yeah, they're just somewhere.
There's an ocean.
They're on the Black Sea, I guess, or just some fucking place.
Respect.
And
the guy's getting his dick sucked with his hands up.
Does he have a really small dick, or is it...
I think he's hard.
Or is he not hard?
Yeah, that's my question.
I don't remember anything about his cock.
I can't get out of my head.
What I can't get out of my head is they're like...
Hello, man!
Hello, man!
Music playing.
You guys saw that video, the Philly guy, getting it.
Which
they should pair that video with the
retarded guy fucking the car.
The retarded guy fucking the car.
Yeah, those are two special moments.
But have that
because it's also an Arab retarded guy.
Yes, it is.
Could I go there and just be there like fucking just in the middle of the ship?
Oh, no.
Maybe.
Just mumbling.
Yeah.
That's what their music sounds.
Yeah, it sounds good.
I'm just going to start making those YouTube videos for bodega guys.
Yes.
Just my two-hour YouTube series.
Oh, yeah.
They're always shaking a finger.
Yeah, and it's always like an 11-year-old at 4 a.m.
that's just watching that.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Damn, bro.
We just watched Ronald.
I went to my old bodega
in the old neighborhood.
Well, it's the only place that sells loose cigarettes.
No, it's the same neighborhood.
It's just the one.
Yeah, the old five blocks away neighborhood.
I don't know what happened to those guys, but like
every single one of them, every guy that works there has gained 100 pounds.
They're sad now?
They're all like one.
There was one guy that was already kind of fat who is now
just massive.
The guy used to work the grill sometimes?
No, he never worked the grill.
Maybe he did.
I don't know.
I just remember the one skinny guy that would work the front, the main guy.
Yeah, that guy, I'd never see him anymore.
I don't know what happened to him.
He's a nice guy.
Brock.
He's a good guy.
I like that guy.
Yeah.
It's the other guy.
Yeah.
He's all got fat.
Yeah.
There was the younger one, and now he's like probably, I don't know, 20 or something.
And then he's been replaced by an even younger one.
Nice.
Yeah, they don't sell Lucy's around here.
You can can get Lucy's at fucking the one right by me.
I don't smoke, though.
I don't be smoking no Lucy's.
Did you see the video of the Philly guy getting fired on the construction site?
I did, and it was very good.
And thank you.
A couple people sent it to me, but it did feel a little staged.
Can someone explain?
Yeah, I think it was fake.
It's about the daughter who's a whore.
Yeah, that's an old video.
I think it was fake, or is it real?
Stripper.
It's fake.
But that's it's A, it's fake, and B, it's old.
And look at it.
It's fake, it's gay, and first.
We're here with live election coverage, which I would like to say before anyone, it's fake, it's gay, and we're first.
And first, by the way.
CNN, first.
And also, what we're covering is fake and gay.
Fake.
I love that.
The president's just, he goes around.
Like, his commenting on the media is how you would comment on YouTube.
It's fake.
It's gay.
Also, I saw it first.
I'm the first person.
I knew about it.
Look, who else is still here in 2020?
It's true.
He's the only president.
I'm the only man.
Like this comment,
if you're still listening to this.
It will be funny to see what the fuck.
He's probably just going to start a little TV channel and be on the air all the time.
He's going to win the election and be president for four more years.
If he loses, what do you think he does?
I don't know.
If he loses, he'll have a TV.
If he loses, I will eat my hat
on the show.
All right.
Which hat?
Which is, I've always wanted to make.
I'm kind of hoping he loses now so that I can be one of the guys that had to eat the hat.
But not the, not that, that,
not the Irish Little Music.
Yeah, I will.
I'll eat the one that's.
No, I've said it.
It's my bet.
I've already made the bet.
That is my hat.
I won't.
I've borrowed for four years.
I'm eating it.
I'm going to eat it.
Oh, you don't eat my hat.
Well, then you better vote for the president.
You better hope Donald Trump doesn't lose, or your hat's getting eaten, pal.
All right, that's true.
You can go ahead and check me.
Eat my hat.
Oh, fuck, dude.
I can't wait to eat that hat.
That's not you.
I'm glad.
This is what you call winning in the cash flow business.
This is where you set yourself up for success.
Let me tell you something, folks.
You're listening out there.
You want to become a winner?
Yes.
You want to become a winner.
You want to win.
Do you want to win?
Or do you want to be a pussy?
You want to be gay.
You want to be a pessimist
six.
Do you want to get ficked?
Do you want to get ficked in your ass?
Fuck me.
Feck me.
You want to get ficked in your ass.
If you want to get ficked in your ass, what you do is you make a bet.
It's a simple bet.
It's a bet that if the president loses,
you have to eat somebody's cock.
I bet, yes, I know.
You never say who's cock.
cocky.h.
This asshole.
Oh, god damn it.
This fucking asshole shout out a company.
This fucking idiot.
He's been advertised for years.
It was better off when you just blurted out the advertisement.
I never did that.
At least that wouldn't have cost us money.
I'm trying to make that though.
Yeah.
Bet Giz S I
Yeah.
This is where I wouldn't go.
Is what I was trying to say.
Met me and I.
Met now people will
forget the name.
Yeah.
Genius.
Myboogie.ag.
You know, when I invented sparkling water in 1987.
Is that true?
Yes.
Wow.
I invented it.
Me, Michael Dunn.
That's awesome, Mike.
In my ass.
I put regular water in my ass.
And it came out sparkling out.
I
sprayed it all over the wall at the Oscars.
Yep.
And they were like, what is this?
And I was like, it's Topo Chico.
That's how they make Topo Chico.
And that's the story of Topo Chico.
That's why it's important for you to vote.
So true.
I'm Michael Douglas, and I'm begging you to vote for my boyfriend, Michael Bloomberg.
He's doing videos now where he's like, you have to vote for Biden.
It's like, you were the Bloomberg guy.
I thought his dad was the Bloomberg guy.
No, it was him.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, he won an Academy Award.
Michael Blue.
For Black Rain.
For Wall Street.
For Wall Street.
That's right.
And Black Rain.
What's Black Rain about?
And for one flew over the Cookers?
You're reading something wrong.
You're reading something.
He wasn't enough.
You dumb.
You stupid.
Nurse, I was wondering if we could put the baseball game on.
Yes, I'm going to put Danny DeFito in my ass.
So, what do you want to do, Chief?
You want to put the ball in my ass?
Go ahead, do it.
You want to make love, Chief?
Go ahead, strap me down to a bed.
Let's make love.
Hey, leave him alone, will you?
Nurse, I was thinking maybe me and you could make love.
Not now, Murphy.
Not now, McMurphy.
So he's in jail for fucking a child?
In the movie, yes.
And then
the way he gets out of it is by pretending he's retarded?
When you get that 15-year-old beaver up in your face.
What a wild ass character.
God damn, boy, you're almost as big as I ever saw.
What are you, like a Chinese or something?
You some kind of turbo Chinese?
He can't hear you.
He's deaf.
I got something you can hear.
It's my ass.
It's the sound of my ass.
You guys remember when Michael Jackson?
The sound of my cheeks getting clapped.
When Michael Jackson played that big guy in the mental side on The Simpsons.
And they deleted that episode from Hulu.
Why?
Because he fucked kids?
Yeah.
That's fucked up, man.
Because Woke Inc.
But Matt Graning, we.
Sing of the damn PC.
Matt Graning is a child.
He's a pedophile.
He's on the island.
It doesn't matter.
None of this is about principles or what's right or wrong.
Fuck, dude.
It's about keeping your nose clean and inventing quiby instead of coming up with new good TV shows.
How much RIP queby?
Every time I see the amount of money,
they lost it.
It just makes me smile.
Who's in a Couple Billy?
Yeah.
Jeffrey Katzenberg's dumbass.
Yes, you tell him, go off.
Yes, Jeff.
I didn't listen to me when I saw you at the meeting for Jews.
From one guy with a hysterically Jewish name to another, Adam Friedland says, fuck Jeffrey Katzenberg.
My last name wasn't Jewish.
They want to kiss.
Friedland isn't Jewish.
No, it's a town in Austria.
They want to kiss each other.
Back me up here.
That's a Jewish accent.
No, it was changed when we immigrated.
Shut the fuck up.
Whatever you say.
We're Landau.
I think is our real last name.
Whatever you say.
Oh, so you're like Michael Corleone?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Psych, but gay.
When they went from Lithuania to Cape Town, I think it became Friedland.
But it's Landau.
Well, they're both Jewish names, man.
No, Friedland.
There's a Rue Friedland in Paris.
I don't know.
It's one of Napoleon's great victories.
No, it isn't.
Yeah, it was a place called Friedland.
He lost there.
No, he won.
Nope.
I just checked.
It's a place called Friedland.
It's actually a Chinese name.
It is.
It's a gay guy, gay, nice.
No, it isn't.
It's a name for a gay guy.
Bruce Valange is six-time from two.
Oh, he was the head writer for the Oscars.
Okay, that's what I said.
No, you said he was a writer.
Well, I think for a while, I mean, he probably worked his way up.
Shut up.
God.
Valanch's career in the entertainment industry began with writing features for the Chicago Tribune.
I hate Los Angeles.
Just
imagine that.
Just, I mean, because I mean, it sounds like a nice life, but just being some guy that lives in Los Angeles and, like, writes for the Oscars.
He became friends with
the middle of the middle.
He became friends with Bette Midler, and he wrote comedy material for Midler's Broadway show, Clams on the Half Shell.
And co-wrote Divine Madness for her.
Valanch Valencia is a co-writer for the Donnie and Marie Show.
1978's negatively received Star Wars holiday.
Have you ever seen that?
It's very funny.
And the short-lived Brady Bunch Variety Hour.
He went on to write jokes for Lily Tomlin, Billy Crystal, Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell, Paul Reiser, Elizabeth Taylor, Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith, and Robin Williams.
It's pretty good.
Ooh, I'm fat, and I love Suckin Cobb.
I'm gay.
I'm gay.
I'm fat.
Oh, I have the same hair as a dog.
Great jokes, Bruce.
These are going over real well.
The jokes are killing night after night, Bruce.
You've done it again.
Oh, that's just a little something for me.
Yeah.
Interesting.
I'd like to hear one joke he ever wrote.
I'm sure they're good.
Is he funny on squares?
No.
He's just very funny.
He was not very funny, if I recall correctly.
People would go crazy for him, though.
The studio would go gaga.
They would go ape shit for him.
The way I'm hoping you're going to go gaga and ape shit for me at Magoobi's Joke House
this weekend.
Halloween weekend.
I'm back there.
Back where it all started.
Eating candy.
I was
in 2011, Magoobi's new comedian of the year.
I come back triumphantly triumphantly nine years later.
Stavres is doing a let's see how much candy I can eat on stage challenge.
We're going to do that challenge.
All the proceeds go to charity.
And then I also.
Charity's a stripper.
Whoa.
Classic closer.
Classic.
The one time I worked, Magoobi's.
Yes.
God damn, that week sucked.
That was hysterical stuff.
The audiences were fine, but I mean, good lord.
Another version of that I hear a lot is United Negro College Fund.
And somebody will be like, well, I got, if it's a black guy, he'll be like, well, I got a son.
He got to go to college.
I've heard that one.
All proceeds.
That's pretty good.
It's better than charity.
Yeah.
Anyway, I'm also going to go to fucking Mohegan's Sun November 20th and 21st.
And then I'm also going to go to fucking Bananas and Hasbrook Heights.
And maybe, I think even Atlantic City.
So anyway, go to stabby.biz.
We should go to AC.
AC on a Thursday.
We should go.
We should go.
You want to come?
Yeah.
If any of you
would like to buy me a big industrial space or a garage in Gowanus, I would really appreciate it.
What about Red Hook?
That's too expensive, dude.
Don't be greedy.
Is it more expensive?
Is it more expensive than Gowanus?
Slightly.
Very slightly.
It would be closer to the Defonte Sandwiches.
Yeah, well,
you're just thinking about you.
You want to go to your little
apothecary to buy knitting equipment.
That's true.
I'm thinking about Gowanus, next to a place that sells rusted bath fixtures.
Have you seen that business?
And Gowanus is just like underneath the bridge.
No, I haven't.
It's like underneath the BQE.
There's a lot of shitty
bikes.
Well, it's just like a fenced-off area of just toilets
that are just left out to rot.
And then it's like all these signs that are like, monitored by camera.
Yeah.
Keep your fucking mitts off my goddamn toilets.
Yeah.
I found a Twitter account for Bruce Valange that hasn't been active since 2011.
Kit is with one of his fucking
years old, I molested my coach.
And that was his last tweet?
No, I mean, he has a couple other ones.
Bruce Valange is getting drunk, remembering being molested.
No, he even.
Yeah, that's the joke.
It's also his last tweet.
And then what we're doing is imagining Bruce Valange.
Yeah, I know.
His mental statement.
I get it.
I get it.
I get it.
And we're doing that without the interruption of him.
No, he, but he said that.
But what he said is.
You're right.
Hit us with another one, Adam.
Wondering how I got overlooked for the Victoria Secret Fashion Show again.
Jesus Christ.
Hell yeah, Bruce.
My man who became a millionaire doing shit like that.
Anything goes this afternoon?
Wearing all my ancient swag from Reno Sweeney.
Oh, that doesn't say
any more.
He's not really tweeting a jokes.
Go to come.town to buy me a garage and go on this.
Yes, go there.
Kustabi.biz, adam.littlepenis.gay.ag.
It would truly make me happy.
Look, let's be honest.
I'm never going to have a family.
Right.
You know, but I can at least have a garage.
Yes, sir.
The person is.
We have a place we could visit you at the garage.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you wouldn't.
I mean, I know you wouldn't.
I'd be afraid of the girl.
I wouldn't expect a garage.
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
Of course not.
Why not?
Because the show's ruined our friendship.
No, but if I was in the neighborhood, I'd stop by the garage.
We used to be friends before the show, and then we did this, and you'd say things like, but the tweet says, and then you just have to
be even about derailing the joke.
We had a nice derailing nature, which is anti-train.
I know.
I know.
Um, we we the linear, but we're going on a trip next week, probably.
Shut the fuck up, dude.
What there's no laptop, okay.
We might go on a trip.
No, we're not.
We're not going on a trip.
Shut up.
Okay.
See you, you little fuckers.
Have a nice life.
Let's go.
Let's go, Biden.
Let's go, uh, Trump.
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