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Yeah.
Welcome to another episode of Adam Copies.
And today, Adam copied losing money, gambling on security.
I didn't lose quite as much as you.
Yeah, because you copied me in a...
That's traditional.
You can never be like the winner.
The original.
You're copying shittier than Nick.
No matter if it's jokes or if it's losing
hundreds of thousands of dollars.
I'm sure I've told this story on the podcast.
For me, it was $1,100, and it hurts.
My friend got the Men in Black soundtrack in like fourth grade, and then I got it also, and he just stopped talking to me for like six months.
For having it?
Yeah, forget.
He's like, I got it first.
You copied me.
Unbelievable.
What if you wanted to listen to it at home?
Yeah.
And it's mostly garbage.
Yeah.
What is the.
I can't think of a single one.
I can remember the Wild, Wild West song.
Yeah, that's why I walked.
It's all Stevie Wonder samples, but about aliens.
Oh, okay.
Cool.
That's awesome.
In theory, it sounds alright.
The We Are the Men in Black song.
Oh, we are.
Space Jam had a good soundtrack.
I believe I can fly on that.
Everybody, fuck me in my gay ass.
I'm ready to get fucked in my motherfucking gay.
Oh.
And fuck me in my mouth.
I'm a gay guy.
Where's my sound?
Alright.
I need my phone here.
I'll be right back.
Oh, shit.
You got an I Can't Find My Phone type shit.
Oh, fuck.
It feels like I'm in fucking altar boy again, dude.
Yeah, it feels like you're about to get.
No,
Greek, see, Greek priests don't fuck their kids because
they're asleep.
Because they're drunk.
Well, yes, but they have wives.
They get pussy.
Greek priests get pussy.
Whereas fucking Catholics, Catholics are so cheap they don't want to pay for, you know, pay for kids and shit.
What are you doing?
The wire was tangled up, so so now I can sit upright more comfortably.
Yeah.
Dude, I'm loving the incense, bro.
Yeah, I know.
I'm thinking I'm about to steal.
The move when you were an altar boy was because they cut in Greek Orthodoxy, you get square little pieces of holy bread.
That means they throw the crusts away.
But if you're around, brother, I ate so many crusts of holy bread.
As long as I can remember, I always wanted to be a wise guy.
Wow.
What a racket.
They'd throw away the crusts, so me and Paulie would go behind and eat them all.
And when you do, you dip that bitch in a little bit of that wine.
It's so good.
The first time I saw Robert De Niro's character, I thought, that's the fattest guy I've ever seen.
Everybody wanted to be him.
He weighed 450 pounds.
They had to create a custom Cadillac
rascal scooter for him to get around it.
It costs $380,000.
He made all the money stealing Panera bread.
See, that's the other thing.
Panera bread, my brothers worked there, they throw a lot away.
So if you worked, you know how many fucking cinnamon toast crunch bagels
and fucking loaves, those fucking Asiago loaves and shit.
My youth was spent with a lot of free bread.
Yeah.
I've done plenty of stealing food, but it was just not even cutting corners, just straight up stealing.
Nah, dude, there's no honor in that.
There was an Aubon Pond on my college campus that was just straight up free.
When we were in the joint, Pauly was able to take whatever he wanted out of the garbage.
We were living like kings.
Good fellas, but they're just hobos.
Yeah.
Good fellas, by the way, never throw good fellas on when you're just like...
I threw it on when I to eat before I had, before I left for Baltimore two weeks ago or whatever.
For your last supper.
It was my last supper.
Yeah, my last supper.
And, which is really good.
I had a fucking steak.
I made a steak.
I made a baked potato.
And with the marinade, it was fucking good.
But that's old, dude.
Anyway, I can still have a fucking steak and baked potato.
I did go, regardless, never throw Goodfellas on because that shit will fucking suck you the fuck.
It's so good.
It's weird.
The last time I watched it, I was like disappointed by it.
And I hadn't seen it.
I mean, I would watch it when I was like 15.
Like, probably 15 years old was the last time I saw it.
Interesting.
And then I would watch it like every week.
Yeah.
From in between like 13 and 15, I would watch it every week.
It's time to watch Goodfellas.
Yeah.
It's time to watch it.
Maybe there's something to you burning it out because I've seen it maybe, you know, Casino, on the other hand, I can still watch whenever.
It's so cool.
Casino is a fucking masterpiece.
And actually, when I was in my late teens and started buying DVDs, I bought Casino and Not Goodfellas.
And I would watch, so I've seen Casino more than I've seen Goodfellas.
Interesting.
Wow.
I would say they're equal.
You know, I used to watch all the time was Casino and True Romance.
The bangers.
Bangers on bangers.
True Romance fucking rocks cocky.
I used to love that movie so much.
I wanted to get pussy from a fucking prostitute, or one time, a gently used prostitute so bad.
You want to go see a kung fu movie?
You want to get pie and see a kung fu just.
Yeah, by the way, that's just Tarantino getting no pussy, writing a movie about what if a hot girl wanted to fuck me.
The fucking Elvis guy.
Oh, God, no.
You were a freaking prostitute?
Yeah, he loves Elvis.
That character has Downs in it.
You want to come back to my place and see my collection of transitional sunglasses?
Dude, speaking of Down syndrome, I saw
you talking.
No, I saw something that did make me literally.
It's funny that this made me think of Nick immediately.
I was at Best Buy buying a Fitbit.
Okay.
I'm tracking tracking my steps, hitting my 10,000 steps.
And it was the first time I'd been to a big store like that.
I think probably since the pandemic.
I mean, I've been grocery shopping.
But I'm masked up and I'm waiting for them to retrieve my Fitbit.
I bought online.
And a man with Down syndrome or some kind of mental handicap goes up to the register with...
I'm going to say like $50 worth of Reese's pieces and
like, I think, nerd's rope.
And he's explaining to the...
So already I'm fucking smiling, right?
Thank God for the mask.
Yeah, yeah, and that's charming, it's beautiful.
It's like, wow.
Now, with he had a mask on, presumably, how do you know the eyes?
But he could have been a Chinese guy.
You need the rest of the face.
You can see the squat.
Also, he was wearing sweatpants and women's
song flip-flops.
If Shane Gillis,
if Shane Gillis had a mask on,
and he's like, Yeah, just I want to reach
you.
Let me get all the recent pieces.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, all right.
Sure.
But I will say there was also something to this man's movements, and he also was, he looked grown, and he had a chaperone with him.
So all of these things sort of clued me in.
Did I ever tell that story about working on the...
Well, go ahead, continue.
Well, so he, so then I'm like, well, that, you know, that's cute.
That's awesome.
Good for him.
He's living.
He's fucking living.
Yeah.
And then he starts explaining to the cashier that he got a $50 Best Buy gift card, and this is what he wanted to use it on.
So that to me is, that's double.
That's awesome.
That fucking rock.
That's the most intelligent.
What the fuck is he going to get?
Like a tenth of a microwave?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Video game, something?
They don't play video games.
They don't?
No, of course not.
Not even like immense
intellectuals.
Nick is tapping his head, by the way, everyone.
Nick is arching his eyebrow and tapping his head as if to denote.
I would love to have intelligence.
I would love to watch a retarded guy play Death Stranded.
Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
He would get so pissed.
Because
I mean, I got pissed.
I'm a genius.
Me, too.
I had no idea what was going on.
Yeah.
I don't get what those video game studios, like, how much goodwill do you think you have with people?
Yeah.
That you think I'm going to fucking invest upfront attention to this story.
It's crazy.
I don't get a gun until like 40 hours into the game when the rain came and it's.
Okay, well, this is going directly into garbage.
Fucking video games.
See, I know.
It sucks.
They could probably play some Legos, a Star Wars.
Sure, Legos, Indiana Jones.
Lego Indiana Jones is a masterpiece.
It's a good game.
It's one of the rare instances when a derivative or
an adapted name
is better than the original.
You know what?
I'm willing to agree with you because I did not like Indiana Jones that much.
I didn't either.
And I've tried to, like that in Lord of the Rings as an adult.
Well, I guess I was an adult when Lord of the Rings came out.
But I tried to, like, I'm like, because you know what?
It would be nice to do drugs and sit and watch Lord of the Rings and be like, fuck yeah.
Absolutely.
Whatever this gay is shit.
Yeah, yeah.
I've never seen those movies.
They suck.
They look fucking boring.
They're fucking boring, dude.
They boring.
Give me the fight scenes.
Cut the fight scenes into 40 minutes.
You can wait at the end.
If they were good.
And a couple quick magic fights.
If they were good, they were good by accident.
Because fucking like Peter Jackson made that Hobbit movie.
Right.
Shot the whole thing in like 60 frames per second, which is one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time it looked like shit it looks like absolute soap opera it looks like absolute fucking dog shit and it's such like just shoot one scene maybe just see what it looks like look at it and be like is this cinematic yeah or is this incredibly fucking distracting and it we like we should not do this i've never seen it so that looks it looks like like hd smoothing type shit weird i mean like like it's just fucking like movie game dolls sacheting around a tiny house they should shoot vampires It looks like daytime television, actually.
Yeah.
Honestly, they should shoot vampires like that.
Vampires?
Because you glide.
I'm watching.
Anyway, let me finish my story here.
And this sounds just going to sound like I was making this up, but
I see the guy, like, as he's talking and as he's about to be handed his candy, he's fidgeting with his pocket.
And then I'm like, what the fuck is going on here?
Truly, just such a hard dick.
His dick was so fucking hard for the candy, for the candy, dude.
I mean, what is the other explanation?
The person checking him out is an old lady.
I don't think he was horny for her.
He's with like his mom or sister or something.
And
honestly, and just, and he is wearing gray sweatpants and a huge, just big ass
Down syndrome hard on like a huge dick.
He had a huge dick and he was trying to hide it.
And I was just like, and I'm just like, I'm like, thank God for this mask.
Because I would have been like, I'm just like, oh,
I'm just taking a, I have to take a lap because I'm just like, losing.
I mean, this dick is hard as shit.
Like, the hard, I'm not joking.
I don't know if my dick has ever been that hard in my life.
It's funny because it's like you think, like, pointing up, dude.
It's like up.
Not out.
Parents that deal with a kid with Down syndrome, they look tired, and you're like, oh, they must be such a burden to have to take care of them.
They're like, no, I've just been worn out from laughing.
I'm all laughed out.
I'm fucking by 3 p.m.
I'm like, I've been weeping for hours
just because he, you know, he like I went to make a sandwich.
There's a dick print in the peanut butter.
He fucked the peanut butter, which you would think would be, you know, it's like, thank God the dog died last year.
Otherwise, I'd have to call up the vet
and get in the medic.
Run a rape kit.
Oh, man.
It'd be funny if they did rape kits for
dogs.
Yeah.
Check for other dogs, or I think people raped him.
He was a little quiet there.
Is that better?
Yeah, I think he
sounded good either way.
Yeah, dude, it was fucking awesome.
That guy rocks.
He was so, he was awesome.
He rocked.
Absolutely.
It was properly masked up.
You know,
a good citizen.
Why put him in his sweatpants?
I don't know.
You think that's an answer?
Because you're struggling with the pants, getting them on them all.
And I'm not sure.
They were like, they were.
I mean, mean, I think he's capable of putting his pants on.
It's also very funny.
They were thin and gray.
They were specifically the kind of pants if you want your penis to look good style.
If you wanted your penis to look good, you would wear these sweatpants.
It's very funny also to imagine the guy that was like, yeah,
I'm going to give Tina's son a $50 gift card to Best Buy
for his birthday.
Isn't it funny?
Because you can't just get him a card.
Yeah.
You know?
Right.
I mean, you could.
You're saying you can or you can't.
You can get him a card and not even put anything in there.
Nah, you got to get a present.
And then you look at the drawing.
Leave it up to the sister to make up what the words say inside.
You just scribble.
And then send it.
That's it.
Yeah, you write in cursive.
If you can read, Joseph, if you can read this without assistance, I will give you $4 million.
Just going up to your
stepsister.
This card sucks.
Your stepsister.
Tina and handing her a card for her retarded son, being like, sorry, it's kind of last minute.
Yeah.
And then it's just scribble in the card.
card, and then it's like, What are you just gonna read it?
This is what you got,
my son is a card that you
didn't have time to come up.
I didn't, what am I gonna say to him?
What the fuck?
It doesn't make a difference anyway, it doesn't.
So, you got you want me thinking up three sentences?
He's sitting right there, like he's a fucking retard.
The fuck am I gonna write in the card?
Yeah,
clear understanding everything you say, 100% knowing what's going on.
He's got a job at the same place you work,
you both
work and fucking like pay less.
He's at the same level, totally.
He's he's a lot, you're like barely outselling.
Yeah, he's in the front of the store, you're in the back.
He's like, he doesn't understand inventory.
That's the difference between you two.
Plus, I get pussy.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not here getting my dick hard for candy and that's probably
them.
Yeah.
Tina thinks she's so special with her fancy retard boy.
Oh, this one can read.
Congrats, Tina.
You fucking bitches.
That bitch is always going on.
Talking about it.
Oh, if he weren't retarded, he would be a genius.
I got, if you're going to have a retard, this is the best retard.
This is the one to have.
This is the one to have.
I wish they could cure it just so I could see how dumb that fucking boy would be.
Go up maybe two points.
Shit, I got half a mind to find the cure myself.
I'm about the flowers for Algernon on this motherfucker.
I could do it.
I could say I can't.
Say I can't fucking do it.
And that guy just like learns chemistry to make a cure for Down syndrome.
Still working at payloads out of spite, he cures Down syndrome.
What would the cure be?
You add a little bit, you take a little chromosome away?
Well, it's definitely not nerd's rope.
It's not nerd's rope.
We've got
a lot of anecdotal evidence to back that up.
Yeah.
Although maybe there hasn't been, you know, scientific,
full clinical trials.
If you went in to every cell, and chopped up, chopped out a little bit of the chromosome.
That is a very sweet story.
I'm incredibly endeared by it.
It was so cute.
Because the first part is you never see a dick that hard, and you're like, awesome.
Initially, I didn't want to laugh at it because it's like, yeah, let him get the fucking can.
Oh, no, but it's like, it's pure joy.
It's like, where's this going?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally.
The hard-ass dick is where it really
went into Disney movie territory.
God, there was a.
I was
hard.
Otherwise, I would have had a crisis of conscience.
Yeah.
Schlegel used to have a bit about, because he would volunteer with the Special Olympics.
And he was just talking about, I wish I remember the bit, but he's just talking about
what at the end, like they, I think maybe he worked with them and they got their paychecks and every day they just wanted to go to 7-Eleven and just get like a fucking jug of like chocolate milk.
And he's just like, they are living.
They're happier than you'll ever be in your life.
They have the diets of of like Glass Weggs.
And they eat like Highlanders.
No.
It's just like all fried chicken and fucking macadamia nut cookies.
Respect.
Big, big, big respect.
Yeah.
Dude, it was nice being in fucking Baltimore.
Yeah.
Back with the back in back to my roots, dude.
Did you eat anything
nice?
Not really.
No, yeah.
There's nothing to eat.
No.
I went on a little journey, a health and wellness excursion.
Yeah.
But I basically ate salmon and chicken thighs.
Broccoli.
I went to a restaurant the other night and got like a salmon summer green bowl salad.
Okay.
Blew my mind.
It was good.
Because I've been fucking living on
bullshit.
Making the shit.
Soilent.
Yeah, just the awful food that I made.
And you're fucking
fucking, you know, you get one of the bags of pulled rotisserie chicken from Costco.
Open that bad boy up, let it sit in the fridge maybe a month past the sell-by date.
It's cooked.
It's already cooked.
It's already cooked, but now it's dried out, you know, very rubbery.
Yep.
So you mash it.
Absolutely not.
Salad dressing.
Mash chicken and salsa with a side of peanut butter.
Now, time to make fun of retarded people.
To the tune of
hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It doesn't make any sense.
Why would anyone listen to it?
Let alone pay for it.
Wow.
Yeah, man.
I hit the fish market up.
But yeah, I don't know.
I accidentally got into Japanese shit while I was gone.
Accidentally?
Yeah, not on purpose.
I know.
You don't have a lot of respect for those people.
I do.
I absolutely do.
But
I got into Japanese shit non-anime division.
Let me be very short.
Oh, movies.
Books and music.
You're reading Japanese books?
Well, my friend had some Murakami books.
Okay.
And I read a couple of those, which were straight.
They were very pleasant, but the books that I read, it seems the whole point of the books is a guy gets frenzone, but he still wants you to know he gets pussy.
That's the whole vibe.
he does he's like it's a guy that loves a mentally ill woman she doesn't want to him and he's sad but he gets pussy from other girls but he's he's just trying to get on on that crazy pussy he want it's a guy who's he's a guy who clearly murakami has been rejected by like a lot of girls with bpd that's the whole that's the whole vibe that's a artist kind of thing but i will say Very pleasant reads.
There's one where Japanese people go to Greece.
Love that.
Oh, there's the answer.
That's the end.
A couple.
You were looking for books where people go to Greece.
No, I didn't wasn't.
What do I care?
And you're like a chink.
First of all, we'll take a look.
First of all,
the Japanese are famous tourists.
Yeah.
I've seen since my youth.
And maybe when I was seven, I was like, what the fuck is this?
The first time I saw Japanese people with their fucking cameras and shit at the fucking Parthenon.
You know,
it's weird.
I guess I never saw a Japanese tourist.
I just remember that stereotype from the movie Gremlins 2, where the Japanese guy is always like, oh, take a picture.
I will say take a picture.
Oh, take a picture.
Classic.
I can't win.
Take a picture.
I will say that is.
I want to be the producer that was like, you know, like they've like Gremlins 2 was done.
They're like, yeah,
let's put a Japanese guy in here that's stereotype.
I don't remember his role, but I will say there's Japanese people.
There might be one scene.
And
that is the only thing I remember from Gremlins 2.
Is that the one where you're like, there's a Japanese guy that's got like cameras hanging off his neck?
And I remember as a kid being like, someone explained to me, they're like, they love taking pictures.
It's a joke about Japanese people.
Right, right.
Is Gremlins 2 where they go to the mall?
Yeah, it's like a TV.
It's a mall.
I don't remember.
Yeah.
The very
big guy is back.
I barely remember Gremlins one.
Yeah, I just remember Magwai never turns into a gremlin, right?
I remember the
good one.
He stays pure and good.
I remember the black one.
The ghetto gremlins.
Yeah.
Spike?
No, wasn't it like Gremlins in the Hood or something?
Oh, that's Leprechaun.
Leprechaun, okay.
Sorry.
I saw the original.
You used those franchises.
Yeah.
I saw the original.
They're very different, first of all, I don't know.
They're kind of the same thing.
Not even.
I don't know.
They're scary movies about little malls.
They're not, first of all.
One is a pure horror comedy leprechaun.
The second is more heartwarming.
It's about a boy and his fucking...
It's about a boy and his little baby that he never wants to get pussy.
I think gremlins is an allegory for getting pussy.
You turn into a gremlin once you get a little drop of pussy juice on your tongue after midnight.
You know, you can also
give the gremlins smokable CBD.
Really?
Yeah, from cushydreams.com.
You could also give them to kids legally.
You can give cushy dreams to kids.
I'm going to say that.
If you want a high-quality CBD product that you can smoke up your fucking nephew, whether he has a mental disability or not.
You can smoke up your hard-up, you know, your hard dick.
Hard dick warrior fucking with Down syndrome, getting candy.
Yeah, yeah.
You can give your kid a little shotgun, you know, hit a bomb.
Absolutely.
Shotgunning is definitely.
You don't want to trust them with the Bic Lighters.
The most important thing is that you smoke your CBD because you can.
Because you can.
Which is the slogan.
Which is a very, very good ass slogan.
From
Cushy Dreams and also the slogan of Down syndrome.
Eat your nerves drop.
Who's going to say shit to you?
Spend your $50 best buy gift card.
Because you fucking can, bitch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Freaking, I don't know about you fellas, but I love it.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a story about a guy with Down syndrome that gets like a gift card.
Like some asshole relative gives a retarded, it's a rich relative, he gives a retarded guy a $300 gift card to Best Buy for his birthday.
He's coked out of his mind.
The sister's like, great, thanks.
They take him there.
The retarded guy doesn't know what to spend the money on.
It's the exact right price for Alexa.
And then it's a love story between
the retarded guy and Alexa.
Wow.
He falls in love with Alexa.
It's like a better version of her.
It is a better version of her.
A more likable protagonist.
He's honestly a poor believer.
Herbert requires all of this extra stuff.
And he's like, he's like, Alexa, I love you.
And she's like, it's 73 degrees outside.
And he's like, I'm going to kiss you.
And it's that for maybe 90 minutes.
And he's trying to find Alexa the whole time.
She's invisible.
Get out of there, he says, somewhere.
Get out of the box.
Come out of there.
And then eventually he fucks the
echo speaker.
Yeah, yeah, the echo dog.
And afterwards, how does he relax?
With some high-quality cushion
CBD?
Nerds rope and kooshi drinky drinks.
That's a good dinner.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's also Joaquin Phoenix.
Yeah, oh, for sure.
He would love it.
Absolutely.
Hey, Murray, when you bring me out, can you call me Joker?
Sure thing, Joker.
Anything you want, author.
Now, we have a very special boy here tonight.
Get a load load of this clown.
Get a load of clown.
Here he is in the Amazon Echo aisle at Best Buy trying to have sex with one of the machines.
You know what?
If that's what Murray did.
Murray, you made fun of me on the show, and everybody laughed at him.
I'm sorry, Arthur.
If that's how he actually behaved, then he should die.
If it's a show where you bring retarded people to mock them on TV, I mean, that is kind of what happened.
That's what happened.
He wasn't retarded.
Yeah, it's borderline.
As a society, we have to draw a line somewhere: who's protected and who's not.
The Joker character was a mentally disabled man.
Yeah, he was neuro-atypical.
Because he didn't smoke enough.
Didn't smoke enough kushy dreams.
Didn't smoke enough kochi dreams, which ships legally to all 50 states.
Right.
Join the group of adults who are sick of vapes.
That's such a fucking dumb thing.
Join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies.
smoke their CBD.
I hate vapes.
Join the group that I'm in.
Gentlemen, welcome to the group of adults.
Welcome to the group of adults.
The extraordinary group of adults.
Welcome to.
We got tired of eating gummies and looking like retarded people at best by
how should be a way to smoke.
I'm tired of looking like I have Down syndrome.
It's not my fault I have a permanent erection.
Because I I took too much Viagra during the filming of Entrapment.
Oh, he took Viagra just to be hard?
Just to impress
I was trying to steal Catherine Seta.
Catherine Seda
away from Michael Douglas.
Is he still alive, Sean Connery?
I think so.
He had sex.
Unfortunately.
Is this what you want, Catherine?
You want me and Sean to have sex?
No?
Well, it's too late.
It's too late.
It's too late.
Me and him fucked.
Don't you understand that?
You see what I'm saying?
We met up, and we had sex.
The attention to detail is noticeable.
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Yes.
We had sex.
I fucked his ass.
I fucked Michael Douglas in the ass
while smoking some cushy dreams pre-roll.
Grown in California and Oregon,
the good trouble stuff.
Oh, yeah.
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I don't know.
Actually,
I got back into smoking this shit.
It's nice.
It is legitimately nice.
I love just
blasting coffee in the morning, getting myself really fucking wired, feeling like absolute dog shit, and then fixing it with different drugs.
CBD, high-quality CBD from cookies.
Which dreams?
I used to, when I was in my drinking days,
the fucking that 11 a.m.
the noon switch when you go from too much coffee to when the boozes start a little fucking whiskey and the the fuck the booze and the the the coffee dude the like arm wrestle
yeah absolutely you know yeah you get like 20 minutes where it's awesome.
Where's the best?
Where you found your cocktail.
And then the alcohol starts winning.
Yeah, I had one day I was in
some museum
and I had drank too much coffee and I started drinking beer in the museum cafe.
I respect.
And I started getting a little drunk.
Getting drunk off $11 museum beers?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was like, screw.
This rock.
It's a perfect morning.
I love culture.
I'm a genius.
I'm an intellectual and I'm trashed.
Just going up to women, like, you know, you ever look at this painting?
What's up, bitch?
You ever talk about Picasso?
Ah, the museum.
Get away from it.
At the Natural History Museum, talking about paintings.
Where are the gay ass rocks here?
Ah, in Frank, her diary, I've read it.
Get away.
Marsha, come with us, please.
Sir, do not talk to my daughter.
She's not allowed to have sex with anyone but me.
The only I will have sex with my daughter is part of a lease agreement.
With...
If you want to fuck my daughter, it's 12-month lease on the pussy.
You need first and last month.
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Every machine.
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Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, so the indoor, Indian girl's titty is one of the strains.
It's my favorite strain.
Yeah.
You suck on it.
Indian Gamer Girl Titty.
Yeah.
Indoor Exotic Strains.
It's pretty exotic.
That's me smoking some of that.
I get like 15 emails a day from either Donald Trump or his son.
Really?
Why?
I don't know.
People sign me up for like every single camera.
Oh, that's a good prank.
Yeah.
That'll really get on your nerves.
Well, the rest of them you just mark as spam and then you never get them again.
But you want to get Donald's.
The Donald ones are very funny.
What does he say?
I mean, I got one earlier today because I don't ever.
Actually, what Donald says is to go to CushyDreamsDream K-U-S-H-Y
by Donald Trump.
And use promo code.
You know,
they've got drugs, and then they've got this, and it's like for white people.
It's weed, but it's for white people.
That's right.
And you don't have to, you don't, you know, you're not going to go to jail.
You can do whatever, when you're a star, you can do any drug you want.
Smokable flour, three lines, private reserve, ultra premium, premium.
They come in in eights, whatever.
Yeah, just go to cushydreams.com.
Just go to k-ushydreams.com.
Make sure you don't go to cushydreams.com because that is child pornography.
It's fat eight-year-olds.
Yeah, and we didn't send you there.
Yeah, that's, you got to, they should probably, they should have checked.
They should have bought that one.
They should have made sure because C-U-S-H-Y is morbidly obese six and seven-year-olds,
you know, going
getting taken to town.
I see.
Wow.
That's gross, huh?
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Smoke your CBD because you because you fucking can.
Yeah, that shit is, it's nice.
I know.
I've been off,
I haven't even fucking had caffeine
and I haven't smoked weed, but I think I'm going to dabble with the CBD train.
I got a fucking Fitbit that tracks my sleep, and I don't get very good sleep, it turns out.
Yeah,
I'm back on the CBD train, I suppose.
I don't know.
I'll dabble.
Maybe I'll start smoking weed again.
I need to find a way to take a ride on my fantastic penis.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But so I read more comic books, and then I also have been getting into some fucking Japanese, like
some piano-type music.
I was getting into instrumentals, and I came across a guy named Shijio Sakito.
That guy's got bangers, dude.
Sean McCartney recommended or Sean McCarthy.
Who's Sean McCartney?
From the Beatles.
From the Beatles, right?
The Irish Beatles.
Yeah, the Irish invasion back in the 60s.
Come on, girl, I want to get you pregnant, and I can't do anything about it.
I want to hit, I want to punch your face.
I want to work as an electrician and knock you up 30 times.
I want to make it I want to destroy your body with children before you're 30.
Recommended?
Sean?
Yes, this book, The Godfather of the Kremlin, that's fucking wild.
Oh, interesting.
Have you read it at it?
No.
Oh, you just said it.
Mario Puzzo.
You just said it knowingly.
I thought you were going to say The Godfather.
No.
And then I would have been like...
I honestly might read The Godfather.
Yeah, yeah.
I heard the book's not very good, but I've not read it.
You know, Michael Corleo was supposed to be a big blonde guy.
Wow.
And fucking Al Pacino's a little ass fucking dark.
Wait, what do you mean he was supposed to be be a big blonde?
Like in the books, he's a big blonde walk.
Wow.
Like Dolph Lundgren.
Like, you've seen those big blonde Italians.
Dolph Lundgren just being like...
That's kind of a northern.
I'm actually going back home to join my family's business.
Yeah.
She's just doing karate.
There should have been more karate than Godfather.
Yeah, I was in the army for a while.
I learned karate.
You know, during the war, I went over and I did karate against him.
They needed a guy to do karate.
To do karate.
Chris Rwalkin might have been the right age, huh?
To play him?
Yeah, I just, I can't do young Pacino.
I can't do pre-screaming Pacino.
Of course.
Screaming Pacino is too good, too easy.
But young Pacino, he's subtle.
Everybody wants me to do karate.
That's not even good either.
No, no, no.
That's just screaming.
It's fine, dude.
It's enough.
It's enough.
Give the fucking piggies their slop.
How about this?
Yeah,
there it is.
There's a fresh lady.
Michael Douglas Corleone.
That's good.
Yes.
Wow.
We'll do one impression.
Michael Douglas Corleone, how did it take us so long to get here?
You come to me.
Wow.
My daughter's wife.
You don't even suck my dinner.
You don't even have the cursing and sock my thing.
I was wondering maybe we could uh
put your penis in my mind.
See ya.
See ya Donegal Blumo.
They come into my shop every day and they fuck me in my ass.
Every morning.
It's fucking, fucking, fucking and they leave me, and I'm filled with cough.
Have you tried calling the police?
The police don't care about sexual assault.
They only care about making sure Wall Street is something
they are here to protect the private property, not Italian as a whole.
To be honest with you, no, I didn't even bother calling because I saw a thing on Instagram that said don't.
My whole sexual history will go on track.
I used to be a slat at Donegal de Bloom.
I shouldn't have been wearing
a little
tattoo suit you could see on my balls.
Yes, I was on the sickener in
Gold Bloom's.
Come here asking for a favor, and you're wearing a gimp costume.
You've got on a thong.
You're wearing asshole as pants.
The top says, please rape me.
These are the only clothes I could afford
to come over from Italy.
Because of my family,
we come here and we don't have any money.
That would be genius.
I'll tell you what I do.
I'll lease you new clothes
for 780%
interest back.
Don't goblum, thank you.
But if you don't have the money, guess who's being turned out?
We're going to take you to a whore house and then you'll be raped all day long every day.
And I'll sell you to the boo, the boo, because
it's not a good mafia movie unless they say the
movie.
Yeah, you have to put in the script.
I'm reading this they should do it in like a completely throwaway manner.
Yeah.
Like just a scene like just insert a scene.
Insert a scene in The Good Fellas where fucking Rayliota comes downstairs and then the toast is burned and he's like, what the hell is this?
Boop toast?
Just goes right back.
You got it.
It goes right back to the completely there's no reason for it.
No reason for the scene.
Yeah, yeah.
What the hell is this?
Boop toast.
Yeah.
He wakes up, he gets a call from Robert De Niro.
He's like, all right, I'm coming right away.
It seems like he's going to get into his car, but no.
We take a stop to the kitchen where he picks up the toast.
There's a little toast in the car.
And then it cuts to him eating.
And then it cuts to him getting coffee with Robert De Niro in a different location.
He's going to a food place.
Yeah, yeah.
He's getting breakfast.
He's going to a diner.
Yes, that's right.
Oh, fucked it.
God damn.
I have an opinion.
You have an opinion.
Please, Donna Godbloomer, I have an opinion.
Maybe we could do some illegal online gambling.
Okay.
At mybookie.ag the premiere illegal sports book.
Sounds legal to me.
Totally unauthorized.
Primas, totally.
I love that.
There was like a thing with strategy guys: is that like fucking Nintendo is going to be like, fucking, don't tell people how to beat the game.
Do not tell them how to cheat at a game they already bought.
It's unauthorized.
Absolutely.
Completely unauthorized.
You're fucked up.
You're going to go to jail.
You're going to have sex with God
in prison.
This might make you gay.
Beating Zelda might make you gay.
You might become a girl.
You're a good.
They're going to turn you into a girl.
I saw a walk past this story the other day.
They just had on the window, it's like, transition with style.
It's like, are you joking?
No, I'm serious.
God damn.
Oh, yeah.
I've seen women's
preying on people that are already struggling through transition.
Well, the thing is, is like...
Get ready to be a woman.
You're going to be sold all this shit.
Well, what other point is there?
I guess that's what I'm saying.
I mean, it's not like they, like, isn't the whole idea that they can go shop at any store?
Yeah.
But there's like a genderless store in Manhattan.
Do you see that place?
No.
It's like
no gender fashion.
Yeah, but they still just sell shirts and shorts and fucking.
Yeah, it's all the same clothes.
There's just no sign that says women's.
It's branded as you could be a guy or a girl.
Which is every clothes.
Which is all the clothes, right?
It's a new species.
That's also what fucking Burlington Coat Factory is like.
And Antonio Brown is on the Raiders.
Yes.
No, but fucking Hollywood brand is on the fucking Ravens.
I'll tell you that much.
Take it away, boys.
Well, I.
Oh, yes.
The Oakland Raider or the Las Vegas Raiders are a 2-0.
Congratulations.
Congratulations for the hometown prize.
Adam is actually up $4,000 because he bet on the Las Vegas Raiders.
I bet the house on the Raiders.
Meeting the Saints.
He took the money line.
We beat him in Monday night football, and I'm fucking rich.
Let me tell you something, guys.
Mybookie.ag what a website.
It's an awesome website.
It's a website.
It's on an app or an app or whatever it is.
Well, whatever it is.
It's a great gambling destination.
And what we like about it is how easy it is to put money into it, to bet, to wager.
Right.
Whether that's NFL games, we've got the NBA final, we've got the Western Conference and Eastern Conference finals going on right now.
We're going to have the finals coming up.
No matter what it is you want to bet on.
Yeah.
Myboogie.ag has that.
You can really bet with style there.
I like to load it up, put on a white tuxedo, bow tie, eye patch, like I'm a guy facing off against James Bond.
Absolutely.
Right?
Yep, because that's how I went.
You put green felt on your dinner table.
Exactly.
And you pretend you're playing poker.
And then I put my cell phone down and I bet the house.
You bet the house.
And I always win.
That's the thing about mybookie.ag.
You're guaranteed to win every bet you place.
You always win, and up to $1,000 will match your deposit.
That's right.
Which is, that's a win for me.
That's a win.
I would only recommend the service to my listeners.
It's It's been good to me.
That's why my bookie is always the right color.
You bet, you win, they pay.
They pay, motherfucker.
They pay.
We're not going to pay.
Aren't you familiar with how casinos and gambling works?
You pay, you win, they pay.
That's how it works.
Have you ever heard of somebody's life being ruined by gambling?
Never once.
It is a terrible industry to get into.
It doesn't make any sense for them.
Because they're just giving.
They're losing money.
But guess what?
They've got the most rewarding player perks in the business.
This is true.
They actually suck your dick.
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And don't forget to use promo.
That's not our bookie.
Oh, K-I-E.
K-I-K-E.
Yeah, why'd you put it on my bookie?
I guess so.
Wait, can you back up one second?
I'm sorry.
It's
M-Y-C-O-O-N-K-I-K-E.
No, it's not.
Now I guess that's not.
That's definitely wrong.
Sorry.
These are all slip of the tongues.
It's all, you know, because Come Town is in there.
I'm jumping.
I have dyslexia.
There's no K in Come Town.
It's M-Y-B-O-O.
There's a C in Come Town, and when I read it.
Not A Town, my brain, because I'm always like, I process information.
I know that, dude.
There's a C in Come Town, and
now it's just C-O-O-N.
It's goes to the.
No, no, no.
Stop spelling that.
Stop, you know.
What do you think?
That's the first time that's ever happened.
But Spike Lee says it all the time.
Don't spell it.
Don't say it.
See, now
you're admitting that you're thinking the word.
It's not a dyslexic.
Because Adam's wearing a hat.
Spike Lee's not wearing headphones.
He's not wearing a hat.
He's wearing headphones.
At one point in the last week or so, I remember seeing him wearing a hat.
That's not true.
And Spike Lee wears hats.
I was thinking of Spike Lee.
A lot of people wear hats.
There are words that Spike Lee uses.
He doesn't even even particularly say it that often.
I don't know.
Is that like just a trademark word?
Spikely has used it once or twice while I'm describing somebody.
Publicly.
Adam has worn hats.
I'm reading an ad.
It's just, it kind of comes together.
And we know that it is worth it.
Just for the record.
It is a gross syllable standard that society allows Spikely to say that word, but you're not allowed to say that word words.
I will not go that far.
Or even I do not agree with that.
Well, that was your idea.
And I think we should kind of move past, end the read and, you know, just move past the lane.
I don't think Jay-Z should get his own lane on the highway.
How about that?
That's what, you know, you were talking about double stand-ups.
That's true.
Now, I agree with you.
I would love to do just an awful stand-up side and be like, I don't think Jay-Z should get his own lane on the highway.
Just keep waiting for people to laugh.
And if they do laugh, be like, also, I should be able to scream.
But if he can say it.
If he can say it.
He's just fucking speeding, driving willy-nilly, saying the word word laugh.
I can't.
I'm sitting here in traffic.
I got more of a need for it.
I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic while this fuck boop, he's dropping.
That is how
first setup.
He calls him that.
That's a quarantine.
The comedy clubs are back.
Get him back out there.
My bookie online today.
That's my bookie.
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Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love
you.
That's good, man.
I love the idea of a switcheroo.
You think it's going to just be like a dog shit bit, and it's actually horrifically obscene.
So racist.
Yeah.
So racist.
That's actually.
I did that with Matt Stoval at Oven Mike one time.
I didn't have the courage to do it, so I wrote him a set basically that was just like the fucking hackiest jokes.
Yeah.
It was like four minutes of the hackiest jokes we could write, and then just like a horrific thing at the end about, like, I was helping my son with his homework, just like super clean, like Apple shit about, like, helping his son with his homework or whatever.
And then I'm helping with history, and they're doing a World War II segment, and they got pictures from the camps in there.
And it's like, I mean, folks, can we talk about this?
Like,
Jesus Christ, those Jews had small dicks.
I don't know.
That's just something I'm thinking about.
I'll see you later.
That's awesome.
Went up and did it.
It's so hard.
People were all confused.
Because it was like the first part of the set.
He was talking about how his wife just had twins.
Yeah.
He's like, these fucking Jews.
Yeah, bro.
And their little ass Holocaust dicks.
Yeah, it's funny.
And now that I think about it again, I enjoyed it a lot.
That's good.
Yeah, no one knew what was going on.
I mean, no one was paying attention.
Right.
You know, it was just this, like, let's just, instead of working on our acts,
instead of becoming better comedians, let's just waste our time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Four hours.
We waste our time.
Might be one of the only mics for a couple days.
Yeah.
Let's not work on anything.
Let's just fucking
do one for us.
And by us, I mean me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You just peer pressuring Stovewell, who's definitely trying to work on his act.
Yeah.
While you did something.
yeah i don't know man uh all right yeah sounds good yeah sounds good man all right shouts out to stouve good a good guy right there matt stove he was one of my first like comedy buddies yeah me and him used to hang out shouts out to the high the the good old high tops man samson mccormick keith the comedian
yeah yeah lawrence owens keith yeah
keith just started using his real name which i don't know i just know him as keith the comedian i think i know him but yeah i don't know him as keith the comedian yeah me him and samson used to hit mics and nice back in probably what like 2005 wow yeah god damn nobody knew who obama was the bush years no idea how bad things would get i remember i i remember i remember one guy he did a bit in 08 about the iowa caucuses and he was like and hillary's gonna win the cock ass
i mean why is it called the cock ass she's getting some cock in her ass
i was just like that's pretty funny and elders was with me at this open mic, and we're just applauding.
Which open mic?
It was a fucking, it was at Irwin's open mic.
He went the cock-ass direction, not the cock kissed or no,
EJ's landing, bro.
It was this old guy, I don't remember, Martin something.
Just awesome.
Just an old white man.
Did a couple open mics for like two months.
Yeah, but he's seared into my memories
for cock ass.
And he did that, by the way, every time I saw him.
He did cock ass.
Two months later.
Respect that.
what an embarrassing thing to have done comedy.
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
Hey, I'm going back.
I'm fucking, I don't even know, dude.
Honestly,
nature gave us an out.
And part of me's like, take it.
Don't do stand-up ever again.
But I don't know, man.
Well, it's funny because, like, I feel like
if everyone just waited until everything was done and then they reopened the clubs, whoever has the capital to reopen the clubs, then it could survive.
But they're going to push the outdoor show thing.
Then it's going to happen.
And
people are going to hate it because comedy is just going to be associated with these dog shit outdoor shows.
And then
it'll be the outdoor shows that kill it.
And it's like,
what's that quote about Nixon?
The recipe is worse than the dessert.
Exactly.
Yep.
And some ingredients
with the pudding is worse than the frosty.
The details taste better than the recipe.
That famous quote.
Oh, yeah.
Damn.
Shouts out to fucking Dick Nixon.
The devil is in my penis.
My penis can't get hard.
I must be sucked.
My cock has to get sucked.
God damn it.
I just want my.
That's like, what if there's just a shit ton of tapes?
If Nixon had like a laptop, if they had that back in the 70s.
And he's like, well,
what do I want to beat off today?
What am I going to jack my dick to?
This afternoon, Chester.
He's an incredibly paranoid man.
So he recorded himself master-based.
Is the door locked?
Make sure the door is locked.
It's time I look at
pornography on my laptop.
I'm going to look at pornography.
Here I go.
Put a pen in my ass.
www.cu sh y d r e a m s
dot c o n
No.
Not to be confused with
C-U-S-H-Y D-R-E-A-M-S dot C-O-M because that's child pornography.
This is a different website.
It's not child pornography.
And it's racist.
It's racist pornography.
Racist pornography.
What was Mrs.
Nixon looking like?
Oh, she was fire.
She was.
Actually, I will take this back.
I actually don't think Nixon fucked.
He was was a Quaker, but he wasn't cool.
Like, he was a Quaker, but he wasn't chill.
You know how hard that is?
You don't fight, you don't do shit.
Although, wait, he was a Quaker, he's out there bombing Laos and shit.
Well, that was the Jew that made him do it.
That's true.
You LaOcean boy, ain't you?
I gotta rewatch King of the Hill.
You do, it's on Hulu, bro.
Yeah, fucking fly through that bitch.
I know your kind.
Oh, you lay ocean boy.
You a Laosan boy.
Yeah, Yeah.
Shouts out to Cotton.
Damn.
Cotton's wife could get it.
That cartoon.
Yeah.
I would love to fuck Cotton's wife.
I would love to fuck Luann, obviously.
I sell gay sex and gay sex accessories.
What?
And what accessories do I sell?
He asked,
I was just watching an episode where they put him in the All-Asian Country Club because Kyger wouldn't visit unless they had one non-Asian.
And
to test the
the Asian guy about whether he actually wanted to be friends he asked him what and what accessories do I sell and he could not come up with it oh my gosh he couldn't remember he couldn't remember
I sell pussy and pussy accessories
I would love
to get pussy it was a little indie in summer today it was really nice out has it been cold here the last couple of years yeah oh really like broke out it's fall damn right away I missed that shit.
It was kind of, it wasn't, it was kind of hot down there.
I was thinking about doing my yearly track suit purchase.
What do you think?
What do you go?
I don't know.
You should go Juicy Couture of Alour.
Yeah.
Like a Jewish girl in 2003.
Yeah.
Don't try and take that off of Jews.
That's what nobody was cracking those shits back then.
Well, I just remember them,
you know, with the Uggs.
Of course.
The bad attitudes.
I was back home
visiting my dad.
and
he's like, what do you want to watch?
And we were on HBO.
I said, let's watch Bill Maher.
Let's see what that's all about.
It's so funny what that is now.
What's he up to?
He's just so fucking defeated.
Really?
Yeah,
his monologue was great.
It was great watching it with my dad, but he was just like,
yeah, because the fires, they say it's not safe to go outside for sensitive groups.
So that excludes millennials.
Oh, my fucking God.
And my dad just turns to me and goes, that's quite right.
That's quite right.
Millennials are like 67 years.
Millennials are old.
We're 31.
We're not even the old.
We're not the older.
Millennials are in their 40s.
Yeah.
No.
God.
It's like once something makes it to those mothers, like once a certain group knows what, like, woke has been dead for years because everyone knows it.
Gen Xers are all dead.
They all died in 9-11.
Yeah.
They were all in the towers.
Yeah, from AIDS.
Yep.
And from moshing.
Yeah.
They love moshing.
Yeah, they invent, they got it too into moshing.
They love moshing and then what else?
Jean jackets.
Moshing and joshing.
Moshing and joshing.
That was Kevin Smith's first movie.
That's true.
So a couple of guys go to they're on their way to a Pantera concert, and they're in the van.
And they're, you know, like having really just, really cool conversations.
Like,
you know,
like
Indiana Jones.
How come we never see the museum?
Where's the museum?
Is he even
a fucking archaeologist?
He's a professor, but we never see him teaching a class.
Yeah, what college?
And the other guy's like,
he's teaching a class in the first scene.
Yeah, it's like immediately.
That's where they get him from.
That's where they start.
That's the music.
He's like, yeah, but why don't we see it?
And he's like, what are you talking about?
I just said that we see it.
And he's like, my girlfriend sucks.
He sucks about 100 guys.
He was edgier in the beginning.
They were all black.
He was racist.
Sorry, I'm just pissed off.
I can't remember the details of that movie because I'm mad about my girlfriend sucking too many cops.
You understand.
So what's your dude?
Your name is like Dante or something?
That's fucking weird.
I guess people have weird names.
I saw him at an airport in LaGuardia.
Kevin Smith.
How's he looking, man?
He's looking
thin, actually.
He lost weight.
But with, honestly, he's got a little bit of the neck, though.
It used to be fat guy neck going on.
The turkey neck.
And if he can't get rid of it, then what chance do I have?
No, we're going to get rid of it.
You have to stay fat.
You're going to look like Roger Ebert.
Dude, no.
Roger Ebert had no fucking jaw.
Yeah, that's what he's going to look like.
Why?
From not being fat?
No, from your multiple mouth surgery?
I'm not going to get mouth surgery.
You already got one.
I did.
Stavros has a tooth, by the way, guys.
I don't know if we've acknowledged this yet, but you're looking incredibly handsome.
I didn't know.
Thanks, bro.
I didn't really realize how bad of a look it was.
Yeah, it's a pretty funny look.
You're a fucking Adonis now.
Dude, thank you for saying that.
I'm quite impressed with the job they did.
I didn't even notice your tooth was missing, to be honest with you.
I saw the Instagram post and people talking about it, and I was like,
Wallace is news to me.
I had no idea.
You didn't know I didn't have a tooth this whole the last two years.
Yeah, I had a tooth.
You had no idea.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess when you're so attracted to a person, you probably just smelled my pheromones and were under a trance.
I'm a nosmic.
I can't smell pheromones.
It's a nosmic.
That's why I'm.
Sounds like a kind of like a Jewish guy from Persia.
It's when you can't smell.
No, it isn't.
Yeah, it is.
You can't smell?
It's a nosemic.
It's an Irish nose?
No, the root of the word, it's
A means not.
No.
No.
Nas is Greek for nose.
No, it isn't.
Yeah, it is.
Methi means nose in Greek.
And mick is the way you add things to words to make them mean stuff.
That's true.
Yeah.
Mithi is Greek for nose, dude.
It's not NAS.
I don't think you know what you're talking about.
I'm going to challenge him now.
I'm gonna go.
Why don't you challenge his fucking prick?
Yeah, why don't you challenge this fucking prick a deal?
He's gonna use a lifeline.
He's calling his sister who's got a retarded son with a giant penis.
Hey, Tina, it's Mike.
Hey, what's up?
We don't have much time here, so I'm gonna get through it.
A retarded person's penis is A, 13 inches long, B, 15 inches long, C, two and a half feet feet long.
Or D, they don't have penises.
Okay, I'll see you at Uncle Steve's funeral, Dave.
Come on, Tim.
I'm on the show.
I'm about to win $50.
I need you to answer that.
Please, this guy that I'm down to my last lifeline.
This black guy that sounds like Regis is going to give me $50
if I know the answer to this question.
This is my last lifeline.
I've used all of them.
It's the first question.
The $50, he can get him more nerdrope.
I don't give a shit.
Just help me out here.
Pull it out.
Oh, you ran out of time.
I'm sorry.
I'm just, yeah, this is really stressful for me because I've seen his penis,
but I've never measured it.
And I'm trying to think, you know, the dog's mouth is probably,
you know, it's like, what?
Am I allowed to, can I use my phone and look up the size
of a skippy jar?
How much, how much the depth of a skippy jar?
No, you can't.
Can someone from the audience yell it out like price is right?
Nobody do that.
Nobody do it.
In fact, I think that was already one of the lifelines.
I think that's that's kind of how the show is structured.
There was an ask the audience,
and we had to sort the kinks out of that because some guy would always vote the N-word
somehow.
He figured out how to hack it.
Never fucking
1% said the N-word.
And then you cut to the audience and you're like, wait, it's anonymous.
So we don't know who's doing it.
There's one guy that just looks like Jake Dastardly.
He's twirling a mustache.
He's got a monocle.
It wasn't me.
I said Pluto.
Dude, when the audience got it wrong, that was so fucked up.
I was one of the people that said Pluto.
Certainly not the end.
Okay, why are you looking over your cape?
Why are you holding a cape in front of your mouth?
Because I have coronavirus.
You guys ever have any clothes from the Regis Collection?
No.
Bro,
I loved the shiny shoes.
I had a Donald Trump tie.
Nah, dude, it was all about the Regis collection.
I had the shiny shit, dude.
I was looking gorgeous at fucking St.
Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church.
I also had a Jerry Garcia tie I got from my dad.
Yeah.
That's a pretty Jewish thing to do.
I don't know.
My dad wasn't even a deadhead.
Oh, wait, your dad made the tie?
His dad was a tie maker.
No, he bought it at Macy's.
His dad was a cobbler and a tie maker.
No, he wasn't.
He would make pies and shoes and ties.
Pies and ties.
It's called pies and ties.
And people are like, yeah, do you have like cobbler?
He's like, actually,
that's just the name.
I sell shoes.
I also sell shoes.
I hate cobbler.
And we don't actually make pies and we don't make ties.
It's only shoes.
Like, okay, well, I guess I'll leave then.
Pies and ties, shoes.
How's business, Adam Sr.?
Not good, Margaret.
Seems everybody wants pies and ties these days.
Nobody's buying a pair of shoes in this economy.
Have you thought about changing the name of the store?
Why don't you suck my fucking kid?
My coffee.
Get the fucking, get out of here.
Go back to your
purse kiosk
in the mall where my store is.
That's true.
My parents both worked at the mall growing up.
No, that's just another lady.
No.
That's Margaret.
That's my mother, Margaret.
Your real mother.
Oh, no.
Hidden from you because she outshone your father in business.
That's right.
Acumen.
She was selling pies.
She sold cell phone cases.
Bedazzled cell phone cases.
Well, if you want shirts, folks, you can check out
dot town.
Also, I'm in Philadelphia next weekend.
I'm starting to.
Fucking shows are back, baby.
I'm going to be at the Philly Punchline October 1st
through
Thursday to fucking Saturday.
I'm going to be after that in Worcester, Massachusetts on the 10th.
And then I'm doing Soul Joel's show in Redding, Pennsylvania.
And then Halloween weekend, good old motherfucking Magoobi's joke house, baby.
So go to stopby.biz slash tour.
I'm going to be touring, and then I'm also selling shirts.
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