Ep. 227 – Vote Him Out

This is Bethany Frankel from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

Here's my summer tip: don't overthink your dogs' meals.

My pups love just fresh from just food for dogs, complete, balanced, fresh, shelf-stable meals that go everywhere from New York City to weekends in the Hamptons.

I mean, you can have real food ready to go for your pup anywhere.

No cooler, no hassle, just grab and go.

I've seen the difference.

Healthier coats, more energy, tails wagging at mealtime.

Biggie and smalls love it, it, and I'm all about stuff that just makes sense when life is busy.

Go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50% off your first order right now.

No code needed.

At Coldwater Creek, we take a thoughtful approach to design, giving attention to what matters most to you.

From quality fabrics to the fits you love to artful details that captivate.

Coldwater Creek caters to your wardrobe in every season, for every occasion, and in every size.

We create comfortable, confident styles with endless versatility that reflect the life you live.

Discover why Coldwater Creek is the sought-after choice in women's clothing.

For new seasonal looks, shopcoldwatercreek.com.

Feel my dick in your ass.

We should be good to go here.

Feel my penis in your budget.

We're playing a dangerous game here, playing it fast and loose with it.

Fast and loose with it.

SD card files.

So you might not ever even hear this episode.

We just recorded a banger.

Oh, it was really good.

And we need to make sure that we and every time we do that, we lose it because we're dumbasses.

Yeah.

But this time, we took some precautions.

Yeah, we offloaded it, saved it on the SD card, anyways.

Maybe this, maybe this will disappear.

Nah, it'll be fine.

Nah, it will be good.

It'll be sexually fine.

It'll be good, Amagiga.

Because we didn't format it, right?

Feel my the size of my dick.

Feel my penis with your budget.

Ray Charles would actually feel women's penises to see

how big their cocks were.

That's right.

He would be like, oh, you.

May I please.

What am I in the fucking guitar seat here?

You're sitting in a guitar.

I'm sitting

on multiple guitars.

I mean, what the hell is this?

What is this?

Guitar center?

Is this guitar center over here?

You know it's not because Adam's not trying to talk you down on the price of that guitar.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

It's fucking telly.

It's got six.

I get paid $10 an hour, so can I please go home?

That guy was so annoyed.

I will never let him go.

It costs $200 to get Jonathan Frakes to say...

And how about the story about the Jewish guy at Guitar Center?

He's on cameo.

Is he?

Yeah, I thought about doing it, but then I...

It just, I was too lazy to click a couple.

It was like, click here to sign up.

And then I did.

And then my phone was like, Do you want to switch to the app?

I'm like, you know what?

Fuck you.

You know what, dude?

I'm going to go back to laying nude on the floor of my bedroom that I've thrown all the furniture out of and have no plans to replace.

I do love that.

Look, you're I like your new setup now.

You're fucking living like a samurai.

I am.

Sparse.

He's doing tea ceremonies alone.

The no pussy zone.

Oh, that's right.

I pull my dick out and then I put a bandana on and I open the window and the bandana or the it blows in the wind yep like snake and then with my own dick i shove it into my ass like a ritual japanese suicide

you're committing straight seppuku yeah you're killing your straight pussy thirsting self and now you live as a gay samurai alone yeah a homonin a homonin

roaming the countryside trying to suck guys off what color is the bathroom at the mcdonald's in here for sure

He had Sean Bean sweating.

Yeah.

I don't remember what the color of the bathroom is, but I promise I'm gay.

Pull it out.

Show me a penis.

Show me a penis.

Show me your penis.

Show me your penis.

Let me see your penis now.

What color is a black man's penis?

It's purple.

He was a trick question.

He was light-skinned.

There's different color.

They got all different kind of colors.

Yeah.

He got a mocha.

Yeah.

Only some of them have cocks that look like the lips.

You think if Robert De Nier was gay, he'd like to fuck black men?

Because

he likes to fuck black women.

Do you think there's some kind of question?

It would be funny if he was gay just to hear what the president would have to say about him.

Yep.

You got this guy.

He's playing a mobster.

Meanwhile, he's sucking cock.

He's in his dressing room.

And he's got this is true.

They're on the set of goodfellas.

They had to stop filming because he's in his trailer and he's getting fucked in his dressing room.

This is true, folks.

We've just

al-Qaeda has just blown up the Freedom Tower.

He's like, Robinson Hero.

This guy was sucking so much.

And they used to shoot on film.

Thousands and thousands of dollars.

Every time they have to say cut, thousands of dollars they're wasting.

So this guy, and look, that's your choice.

That's your life.

Those are your choices to make.

They're like, are you going to react to the terrorist attack?

3,000 people died.

And he's down on his knees.

That's a disgusting question.

It's a disgusting question.

You're a disgusting person.

You should be fired and killed.

And Robert De Niro, he would suck the cum out of it.

This is true.

I'm not, I know, it sounds bad.

I'm not making this up.

I'm not making it up, folks.

He would keep the cum in his mouth, and they'd say he would spit it all over the craft services table.

I don't mean come on.

That's for working people.

Now, for me, that's too much.

It's for working people.

You know, the Democrats, they say they care about working people.

Here's Robert De Niro spinning cum all over the Capri South.

An electrician's got to come by.

He doesn't even have health insurance.

He can barely figure out the straw on the fucking thing.

And then he's got a bunch of cum in his face from Robert De Niro throwing Boffin up again.

Because Robert De Niro is gay.

A second plane sent the towers.

Undoubtedly one of the darkest moments in American history.

We go live now to the president, who's still talking about Robert De Niro being gay on a set of casinos.

Sad day in American history.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah.

But

I do wonder if there's some kind of mathematics.

Like, if you'd like to fuck Asian women, if you became gay, would you?

I don't know.

What's do you fuck Asian men?

Do you fuck

I don't know.

Hispanic?

Well, it's called the devil's prism for a reason.

You know, if you were

a straight man that wanted to fuck Asian women and you became gay,

then you would want to fuck little boys.

Oh, interesting.

In the gay community, children are the equivalent of Asian.

So you're going to put.

So you consider

the subset.

It's the devil's prism.

No, I'm telling you.

This is

Billy Bush.

It's true.

Billy Bush, she interviewed Robert Denounc and Robert Denounter was saying to him,

I used to like Asian women.

I tried out being gay.

Now I fuck children.

And it's 100% true.

You tell me.

You tell me, Anderson Cooper.

Okay, Mr.

President, we have to discuss the terrorist attack that's being committed in New York City.

Al-Qaeda is claiming responsibility.

50,000 people are dead.

They detonated a hydrogen bomb in the middle of Manhattan.

And 8.3 million Americans perished last night.

And they're saying that our projected GDP puts us on par with Koala Lampool.

We have now descended to third world country status.

I actually am out of, CNN is going out of business.

Good.

You should go out of business.

These lies you're telling about me when you should be reporting on Robin De Niro having gay sex.

Joe Pesci almost killed himself.

Last year, this is true.

Last year,

CNN did 862 million negative stories about me.

We added it up.

We had somebody, we got somebody from the Office of Accountability in the post office, something like that.

They added it up 832 trillion times.

There was a negative story about me.

One story about Robert De Niro having gay sex with a margin of error of one.

That's not fair.

It's not fair.

It's not fair.

Oh, yeah.

That is correct.

Well, the election's coming up.

19 million Americans are dead.

The average household income is now $3 a year.

People are trying to mutant.

500 electoral votes.

Donald Trump is down 800 million points in the polls.

So it looks like it's going to be an easy win for Joe Biden.

Well, it's election night, and Donald Trump won 100% of the votes.

Not a single person voted for it.

And we go live now

to poll

exiting voters and see what they think.

We're here in, I don't know,

Wisconsin.

Who gives a shit?

Well, you know,

I voted for Barack Obama.

You know, we liked him.

I mean, I thought, you know, maybe it's time for,

you know, what was he, Spanish or something?

I thought that was good.

But, you know, I mean, a lot of people,

they're, you know, I don't know how you feel about Donald Trump, but he is the president, you know.

And if I'm going to vote for somebody, I figure voting for president, and one of them is the president.

So,

I mean, that seems to be, you know, that makes a lot of sense to me.

Yeah, for me, it was Robert De Nero being gay that kind of swung me in the right direction.

I didn't like that he said that, but, you know, you look into it, and it's actually true.

You know, initially, I was pretty mad at the president, but then there's another clip that they don't show you on CNN.

They played it on Fox News, and we go live to the clip now.

Not only is he gay, but they found this out.

His real name is William Wilhelm.

He's not even a tie.

He made it up.

He made it up in college when he started reading Carl Muggs.

He thought, oh, if I had an Italian-sounding name, I'd be able to be in gangster movies even though I'm a cock-sucking homosexual.

Mr.

President, you're not answering my question.

Okay.

Okay, Mr.

President.

There's now been a 35th plane.

They're down to flying plane.

They've run out of buildings and they've flown a plane into the Barton Springs pool in Austin, Texas.

The Royal Farms Arena in Baltimore City has been destroyed.

This is why everyone needs to have their own private plane.

I fly private all the time.

This is never going to be an issue for me.

And I do it, and what do they say?

The climate.

Oh, he's starting the climate.

What is that?

It's invisible.

The air.

Now that's how bad they think I am.

That I I can hurt the air.

You can't even see it.

Fucks, these are sick people.

Meanwhile, Robin De Niro, he's burping and farting cum.

What's his carbon footprint?

Do you know how many chemicals it takes to clean up cum?

How do you measure his carbon footprint?

What size women's shoe do you measure his carbon footprint?

Answer me that, Anderson Cooper.

You know, De Niro is actually only a quarter Italian?

Yeah.

Is that true?

It's fucked up, dude.

Mr.

President, I should inform you, outside of my responsibilities as a journalist, to never put myself into the story, but I am, in fact, a homosexual.

Ew!

Don't say that about yourself, Anderson.

I understand we've had our differences, but I think very highly of you.

I think you're a good guy.

Don't, don't, don't, you don't need to throw yourself under the bus just because I'm here.

I appreciate what you're doing.

No, No, I'm a gay man.

No, you're a good, you're a good, good.

You're a good guy.

You're a good guy.

And that's why I'm here to unite people.

We're going to bring everybody together.

You should think highly of yourself, Anderson.

Look, you made it all the way to the the top of the T V.

You're the king of the T V.

You're the guy on the T V.

You're all the way up here in T V City.

And where's Robino?

Down on his knees on F on Fifth Avenue.

He's sucking some guy's cock on Fifth Avenue.

damn.

We think the turning point

tonight on front line, how Donald Trump swept the election in 2020.

We initially thought giving Anderson Cooper a 17-hour interview with the president immediately following the worst terrorist attack in the history of the United States would hurt him.

But apparently he's made out of Teflon.

There's literally nothing the president can do that will be perceived as bad by the American people.

And that's partially our fault.

What if he got his dick sucked on camera?

Trump?

Yeah.

Would that help or hurt him?

Tonight on Frontline.

I don't see that hurting.

Whatever.

Then it's like a disclaimer.

Due to threats to our funding, Frontline has lost editorial control of the show, which will now be handled by some woman that Donald Trump met at a car wash.

Robert De Niro.

Gay and not Italian.

Tonight on front line,

we look into the star of Casino's cock-sucking exploits back in his Ulster Scott days on Fifth Avenue.

Gay and not Italian.

Issue one.

It's just Dexter Filkins being like, oh, are you sure you don't want to just ask me about Iraq?

They're like, no, just say so.

Just call Robert De Niro gay.

Just say he's gay.

We need to just ride out this administration.

Once it's over, we'll go back.

He's got four more years.

Four more years.

We'll do 35 episodes on Robert De Niro and how Eugene Carroll has schizophrenia.

We're doing all of his political enemy attack shows.

We're just going to get it out of the way, and then we can start

to keep going back.

We can do another 100 episodes on how ISIS is either doing good or bad.

Frontline kind of fell off for like a period.

Dude, I don't know.

I never watched Frontline anymore.

Frontline rocks.

Yeah.

Frontline's great.

The one on Putin is really good.

But then they had like

a bad thing.

There's a million on ISIS, I feel.

The one I saw in ISIS.

Wait, is it a weekly show?

I don't know.

No, they do one once every six weeks or two.

It's a documentary series.

Oh, okay, I see.

They're pretty good.

You learn a lot.

Interesting.

Never seen shit.

You should watch the Firestone one.

You probably like that one.

What's Firestone?

The tire company?

Yeah, Firestone, they had a rubber plantation in Liberia.

Oh, shit.

That's where they were chopping people's hands off and shit.

Yeah, they were like fucking.

They basically

funded this guy, Charles Taylor's, like,

death squad.

Yeah.

No.

He was out there just fucking genociding motherfuckers.

Yeah.

Fuck, that would suck.

Tonight on frontline, did Robert De Niro fund Charles Taylor's genocidal campaign?

Yes, he did.

And he sucked his cock.

And he's gay, and he's not.

Dude, I burned my fucking thumb grilling.

Yeah.

I was getting a swavlaki out of this shit,

and

I touched the wood where it was right off the grill, and I heard my fucking thumb meat sizzle.

Does that shit ever happen to you?

Yeah, it's just the moisture on your finger.

Dude, it was fucked up.

No, it looks.

And it smelled probably too.

Yeah, and it tasted so good.

Your thumb?

Have you ever tasted human, like, perfectly charred human flesh?

You have a taste for human flesh.

I do now, dude.

I'm like a fucking bear that ate a woman.

Another bear?

Oh, yeah.

Then you can't.

It was fucked up.

I don't like hearing my own fucking skin go tss.

I think that is a good conclusion to your life: is that you just eat yourself.

Slowly barbecue.

eat a little barbecue.

You don't eat other stuff.

You just like the best.

Like Homer has a donut head.

Yeah, and he can't stop eating his own head.

I used to draw a donut head Homer all the time when I was a kid.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

I was obsessed with drawing Homer with it.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Donut Head Homer rocked.

And also Taurus.

Also,

Homer in the chocolate city.

Yeah.

Would the Germans take over the plant?

Of course, Mr.

Simpson.

After all, we are from the land of chocolate.

Yeah, I'm sorry, you were saying something about chocolate.

That was 10 minutes ago.

God damn, I would love to be in a land of chocolate.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, so anyway, we got to fucking plan our Puerto Rico vacation, dude.

Oh, yeah, we've made a big decision about the show, guys.

We're going to winter in Puerto Rico.

We're going to be snowbirds, like old Jewish people going to a warmer weather climate.

We should just get a fucking mansion, dude.

Living single.

In a 90s kind of world.

Living single.

That would be cool.

Sucking pussy.

We're sucking penis.

We're sucking penis.

Rob's like a penis.

Tonight's episode of In Living Single has been purchased.

In Living Single.

It's been purchased by...

Donald Trump, the distribution rights, and has been edited

to reflect the official positions of the White House.

We're going to get black people on board.

We're going to put episodes of Living Single.

You say you get the black boat.

You tell them Robert DeNuro, he's actually a cocksucker.

Because the blacks, they're like me.

They don't like gays.

They don't like it.

You know, everybody's saying I'm stuck in the past.

These guys.

Go to a barbershop.

You ever talk to a black guy?

The thing's coming out of his mouth.

It's like it's 1880.

He's talking about I can't wait to get a telephone.

I can't wait to try out one of these telephones.

I can't wait to order something from the CSC.

So true, Mr.

President.

The way they talk, it's like it's 1830.

It's N-word this, N-word that.

It's like, pal, one of them's going to hear you.

You got to say it quieter.

You got to be quiet.

You got to do it.

You can't say that word.

I say it in the dressing room at Bergman Goodorf.

Bergdorf Goodman?

Yeah, whatever the fuck that place is called.

Didn't somebody say they had audio of him saying it while he was on the apprentice?

Um, yeah.

Well, he had a good reason to say it.

Oh, he was kicking Omarosa off.

Yeah.

What happened to Omarosa?

She was in the administration, and then I think she

tried to switch, switch up and snitch on him or something.

It didn't work?

I don't think so.

She's fucking Teflon Dung.

She didn't get, yeah, I'm sure she was adopted by the resistance for two days.

It's going to be so funny when he wins.

God, I hope he doesn't.

But he probably will.

It's going to be so funny.

Tomorrow night's the debate.

Uh-uh, for real?

Yeah.

Tomorrow night's debate won.

We should have saved the fight.

Are you serious?

We should have saved.

Film on Dick and Yohan.

That's going to be a fucking battle for our hearts.

That's awesome, dude.

Honestly,

it's going to degenerate into just name-calling.

No, no, Trump's whole thing right now is that.

They're probably going to physically.

You know what?

Here's how Joe Biden wins wins the election.

He beats him up.

Like, buck on him.

Because Donald Trump will back down.

No, I think and Joe Biden does have that energy.

He really does.

He wouldn't get in a fight.

Yeah, he's not going to be able to do it.

What if Joe Biden was just like kicks his ass?

Like, heads in his face and he's like, do something?

That would be awesome.

No, I mean, I really, now that I said that, he would win the election easily.

If he just fucking got in Donald Trump's face and said, do something.

No one's tried that yet.

Honestly, it should have been.

It should have been.

Joe Biden should just be like, he's like, listen, Jack, listen.

It's also like, what do we have to lose?

Culturally, politically?

Oh, no.

It's already a super embarrassment.

That's what people are tuning in for, anyways.

There's no chance we're getting like health insurance out.

No.

That's not even going to be discussed.

Yeah,

absolutely.

All we can hope for is that it's slightly.

Donald Trump's going to bring a sample of Joe Biden's son's brain cancer on stage.

No, no, no.

Donald Trump's whole thing right now is that he is demanding Joe Biden take a drug test because he's a drug addict.

He keeps tweeting about how he's like, Joe Biden is a drug addict.

Look, I know this.

Given Robert De Niro, they've been doing poppers.

They've been doing poppers.

It's a drug.

It's only gay people are allowed to take it.

How is that fair?

They got a drug that only gay people are allowed to do.

And they say they want equality.

Well, how come here's where we were, 1950?

You know, some people say this is an equal.

Other people say, well, maybe there's a couple more things we could change.

Okay, okay, go ahead.

Change a couple of things.

But then they go way too far.

They've gone too far.

Now, gay people have special jobs.

Their own drugs.

They got special jobs.

Prep papers.

Meanwhile, I'm in the White House and I'm shooting heroin with my daughter.

I'm having my beautiful daughter shoot heroin into the last vein in my penis.

I had to go to thailand to get new veins put into my penis

so i could shoot heroin into my penis before the debates

it's i mean trump's definitely on at her all though right that's they say he snorts at her all but i don't buy it dude yeah i think that he's just a weird guy you don't think he's on at a roll the one thing i have heard is that he's really intensely pseudo-fed

pseudo-fed is kind of funny what if he's into blue chew take it away no he's probably if he was into blue chew then he would be in a fucking beautiful place because i let me tell you this much i'm into blue chew and i have a fucked up little penis

now when i take a couple fucking blue chews and look they come in six milligrams they come in i want to say maybe even they do a 15 milligram or a 12 or something like that

Here's the thing, they tell you to take one.

You could take as many as you want to make your dick even harder.

One will make it hard.

Two will make it real hard.

Three will make it throbbing hard.

You'll have a pretty bad headache the whole time.

Yeah, for a couple days on.

But your dick will stay hard.

Because the doctors of Blue Chew say is that it's either fucking, it's the same exact shit as Viagra.

It's the same exact shit as fucking Sialis.

But this time it's in a candy form.

And I don't know about you, but eating candy at them makes...

I'm already halfway to fucking hard.

Exactly.

They're kind of like sweet tarts or smarties.

They make it in a flavor that any child would adore.

Exactly.

You can give it to a child and its little cock will get hard.

It reminds me of going to my local candy shop and the old man there giving me some blue raspberry style candies

that just made my dick

hard.

Insanely hard.

He's like, why don't you?

I have even better candies in the back room.

And then he takes you back there, he locks the door, and then you wake up 20 minutes later, you're eating a hot dog on a park bench and you're confused how you got there.

Mm-hmm.

Here's the thing about our president.

I don't think that he would use a blue chew.

I think that he would go in soft and just tell the woman that his husband.

And his dick is hard, yeah.

Isn't that what What's your face said?

That he kind of slid his

little ass dick.

He didn't have that big a dick and it was semi-soft and he slid it in there with a lot of pubes.

Who knows?

Stormy said that?

Stormy said that.

Well, that's, you know, I trust her.

Anyway, you go to bluechew.com.

You fucking talk.

You don't have to go to the doctor and say, doctor, please, my dick is soft.

Which I did have.

I tried to ask my doctor in Baltimore when I was like 22 years old for dick pills.

At the time, I was lying and just wanted to get my dick even harder.

And he gave me some samples because he was Italian and he fucking, his name was Vincenzo and he rolls like that.

You don't have to do that though.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

You go right online, you fucking have an online consultation

and you say, look how fucking lit my cock is.

They ask the last girl you fucked.

They text her, was his dick hard?

She'll say no.

You get her to say no.

And then they mail you some fucking sedatophil or tadatalophil.

I can't get enough of these fucking Mandarin oranges.

Yeah, well, I'm glad I got them.

Yeah, you've been today.

We've been hanging out.

You've had what, four of Adam's oranges?

I've had like nine.

You're going to have some wet shit.

I'll tell you what.

I can't shit anymore.

Nick's ass is already leaking.

I can smell it from here.

I can't.

My shit don't work.

I need Blue Chew for my ass.

They also rolling that product, man.

They're working on Blue Chew for the ass.

My name is B.B.

King.

You may know me.

You may know me as

the mascot of Blue Chew.

Blue, Blue.

Blue, Blue King.

Blue Blue King.

Blue Chew, Blue Chew King.

Blue, Blue Chew.

They should get Buchos, Buchos, Gali, and then Blue Chew, Blue Chew, Gali.

Well, that's what B.B.

King's first.

Did you say the promo code?

No.

If you like sex.

If you like sex, you'll like Blue Chew.com.

You'll love Blue Chew.

The same generic ingredients as Viagra and Seattle, etc.

Yeah, Saladina Defil and Tadala.

I mean, come on with the fucking names.

Yeah, just what about what happened to Earl?

Tadick to La Hard Phil.

Steve.

Phil Dick Lafille.

Phil Dick Lafil.

Uncle Phil Dick.

Uncle Phil's Dick.

Uncle Phil was gay.

Philip?

What was the bachelor's name?

Jeffrey.

The Bachelors.

The Bachelor.

The Butlers.

Look, I got.

Look.

You don't understand.

I need to just let my mind.

I'm sorry, man.

Go for it.

Just go in your flow, dude.

He's got a flow out there.

Nick is levitating and his eyes are rolling in the back of his head.

He's got his legs crisscrossed applesauce.

I gotta fucking

get another plane to see my way through this.

This all right.

We're with you, buddy.

A lot of people listen to the show don't know that I go to bed at 7 p.m.

now and wake up at 3 a.m.

He's on a new schedule.

He's on the Mark Wahlberg schedule.

By no choice of my own.

It just happens like that now.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

He wakes up screaming, he prays, works out.

And then he starts.

So go to bluechew.com, promo code COMETOWN.

Promo Promo code Pinice.

Promote code Pinice.

Promo code Gary Panice.

They're going to send it to you in discreet packaging.

Yeah,

this is actor Gary Panice.

What is he saying?

That is what Gary Panice sounds like.

Gary Panice.

Scary Pinice.

Damn, how the fuck did it take us so long to get to Gary Panice?

I think we've said it before.

He's a Hollywood Republican.

Yeah, my name's Gary Panice.

I'm here for Bluetooth.com.

I was wondering if any of the people listening.

You listeners at home might have a penis.

It doesn't work.

What does Gary Sinise sound like?

Something like that.

Yeah.

I don't think.

I have literally no, I can't even, I can't even visualize his voice.

I can visualize his face, but not his voice.

I remember when I was a kid, and I saw that Lieutenant Daniel.

Wait, do we have sex?

Oh, yeah, it's promo code come.

Oh, is Gary Sinees, Lieutenant Dan?

Gary Sinise here.

When I was a kid, I was like, how is he doing that?

He doesn't have legs.

Gary Penice.

He didn't have a penis.

It's very confusing.

When they made me cut my legs off to play the retarded guy, Forrest Gump.

I don't know if he was retarded.

That movie was all about different kinds of retards.

Hence, the box of chocolate speech.

You got a mental retard, a racial retard, and then a body retard.

Okay.

I think Bubba was also.

Jenny was a gender retard.

That's true.

A woman is?

I can buy into that.

And then everybody gets aged, and the moral of the story is don't fuck your disabled kid's principal just to trick him into.

That's right.

I mean, how sweet is it?

The only benefit of being retarded is that you don't have to go to school.

And the ping-pong, too.

And then your mom

uses her pussy to make you do homework.

Fucked up.

That's a bad.

Yeah.

That's a shitty mom.

I would fuck Sally Fields, though.

Yeah.

To let the kid into school?

Fuck you, dude.

You know, I fucked Sally Phoebus.

Gary, just stick to the

copy.

Can you stop doing a jacknell singing pressure?

It's not my fault.

I don't know what I said.

Why the hell would you hire Gary Sinise to do VO for your commercial?

For your cockpill commercial.

For your Blue Chew.com commercial.

Promo code ComeTown.

Promo code Come Town.

Get 20%.

What is it?

20% off your first one?

20% off.

If promo code ComeTown doesn't work, try ComeTown 20.

It's one of the two.

It's probably one of those.

And my phone died before we started the show, so I don't have the copy in front of me.

I can't guarantee what the promo code is, but it's either a Come Town or Come Town 20.

Gary Penice.

I'm Gary Penice.

May your penis get hard.

I also want to say, real quick, this weekend, live long and let your penis get hard.

Let your penis get hard.

Mr.

Spock, do that thing with your hand and say the thing about my my cock.

Live long and let your penis get hard.

Yes.

Thank you.

I love it.

You did it again.

I love it so much.

Come see me this weekend in Philadelphia.

I'm at the punchline in Philly.

Get that one off early.

Five shows Thursday, Friday, Saturdays, not Sunday.

So that, and then I'm in Worcester Saturday.

Worcester.

Worcester, Mass.

And

yeah, that's it.

Keep getting your dick hard.

Also, Soul Joel's tent in Roysford PA later.

And then Magoobies on Halloween weekend.

Very nice.

But

bring the blue shoe.

Bring your dick.

Make your dick hard.

Who was asking him to do in the act out Nick?

Who was asking Spock to say that?

Captain Kerr.

Captain Kerr.

Mr.

Spock, put your hand in my ass.

Spread your fingers.

Do a V.

Do that V thing in my ass.

Mr.

Spock, meet me on the bridge and do the V thing in my ass.

This newness is brand new territory for this show.

If you're just tuning in,

we've never done anything like it.

Is this still funny?

Oh, yeah, dude.

The V thing?

It's still funny for me.

Do the V thing in my ass?

Come on, dude.

That's very funny.

I think the show is finally funny to me.

It's funny to me.

It's never been funny to me before, but the idea of spending years

instead of Garfield and Francis Garfield and his boyfriends.

The cat's just

like Monday.

You're like, what's wrong with Monday?

And then it's 20 minutes of the cat being violently fucked by a bunch of guys and you're like, oh.

Poor cat.

And it happened on

Monday.

Yeah, it was.

That's why I hate it.

John comes down and he's like, Garfield, it's Monday.

No, no.

And he's like, where?

And then the speech bubble, oh, great.

John's friends are coming.

I'm not.

Just fucking giving a sarcastic smirk.

Hurry up, fellas.

Robert Sneaker walks in.

I brought lasagna for everybody because I'm Italian.

He fucked a cat.

He did.

Anderson.

It was a cat named Garfield.

He didn't know.

He was president, John Harbuckle.

They would all get together.

Everybody, everybody.

Robert DeNeuri would drink.

John Harbuckle.

John Harbuckle and Robert DeNari would spit roast a big orange tabby.

Because in that speaking, the gay community, orange cats are like they're Asian women.

That's what it is to them.

Okay, Mr.

President, 20 minutes ago you said it was children.

Look, Anderson, I don't tell you how to live your life.

You're quite literally doing exactly that right now.

I don't make the rules.

I just play by them, Anderson.

I don't make the rules.

I mean, that is my job.

As president, I come up with all the rules.

I decide what they're going to be.

I think it would be really funny if the Democrats found some big fat guy to accuse that Amy Barrett woman of rape.

He's like, when I was in high school, she took advantage of me.

We have to act like he's brave.

Right.

And then there's just like in the Senate being like,

how did it make you feel?

She sucked my dick.

She sucked my little dick.

We got an idea of the hippocampus is Amy laughing at my tiny penis as she sucked it in front of the entire football team.

And they all laughed and said, there's fat-titted baby Dick Eric getting his dick sucked by slut Amy.

We got to start doing what happened to Believe All Women.

What happened to Believe?

What happened to Believing Fictitis?

Nobody believes Eric Custard.

Nobody believes Mr.

Eric Custard when he says that Amy raped him.

Why did they believe Christine Blasey Ford?

We got to start Jacob Wall-style hijink.

Exposés.

Yeah, but for the left.

Is is Jacob Wall trying to be a gigolo now?

No, he's on OnlyFans, but he just shows himself shirtless.

He never shows cock.

I don't think he shows cock.

What about in like briefs?

You can see the outlook.

That kid rules, dude.

Every idea he comes up with fails immediately.

Is he rich or something?

I think his dad's rich or something.

Yeah, he looks like a rich kid.

Who is the bitch that they're about to put on the Supreme Court?

That's Amy Barrett.

She's got two last eyes amy barrett cone she's got up eyes dude yeah she's she's super catholic oh yeah

she's 48 and she was a judge for two years or something are you serious yeah what if somebody sniped her um or what if she raped an obese kid when she was in high school if i was only the right age i would be down for how funny it would be if like they just got christine blazy ford again and she's like amy raped me

wait did he rape me christine blasey ford What did he do?

He like held her down while he was drunk.

He almost raped her, but he didn't.

Oh, damn.

I think his friend was laughing at them or something.

But, yeah.

No, Stav, I think you should run a honey pot operation.

I will, dude.

I'll get her to fuck my ass with a strap on it.

Bad news.

Stav ate all the honey.

God damn it, Stav.

How did you eat metaphorical honey?

I don't know, but

I wanted honey, dude.

I didn't heard the expression arose by any other name.

This was our chance to say something.

You called something honey, and I had to eat it.

I wish my brain worked that way, dude.

We got a bookero

in Hook where they could just think about the food.

Yeah, I remember that.

You know how much of my

movie thinking about like about a movie like Hook that sounds like Hook, the name of it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on, man.

Episode 470.

No.

Not that.

I think we've brought attention to it before, but you do look like the little black kid from Hook.

We're just fat black kids.

With the floppy hat.

We're both fat.

No, you both have a nice.

We have fat cheeks.

Chubby cheeks, a nice smile.

You get excited when you imagine that.

You put those hats on fat black kids again.

Yeah.

That was an awesome.

The little newsy cat.

Floppy newsy.

Yeah.

Awesome.

That was a good look.

Yeah.

Actor Jeremy Chocolate starred 13 movies before passing away at the age of 13.

No.

I love it.

I love seeing that little fucking mischievous grin.

Nick is really enjoying whatever racist thing he's thinking.

Face of Satan.

Just a master of tricks.

Oh, man.

You know, Glenn Close was a pirate in Hook.

Really?

Oh, don't get me started.

Yeah, for real.

For real.

I think she might have even been the guy in the hole or something.

Or she was definitely in a pirate.

You know who else was a pirate?

Really, Hook?

You think you can just fuck me and leave?

We're all children.

Ma'am.

Ma'am, this entire world is filled with children.

If you could just keep your.

Isn't it pirates and children?

So is the whole thing just a uh fucking metaphor for rape child rapists yeah well it's name the it's all named after what was going on at um fucking

michael jackson's house yeah yeah they named it neverland ranch came first i didn't know and then the book and then the movie he was like oh what about a movie where there's a guy who's sort of a child

and uh

And then he gets to go to a fantasy world with different laws.

It's about Michael Jackson's trip to Thailand.

You could be a pirate.

And Native Americans are there, and they don't have it.

There's no kind of authority to investigate or no oversight into what happens in the tribe land.

And there's a group of literal boys that are lost

who

have

nobody to answer to.

Damn, dude.

For real, though, whatever English motherfucker wrote that up.

That's a sick guy, dude.

Didn't Johnny Derrick just play him?

Yeah, there was a movie with Johnny Depp.

That guy's gotta fuck kids.

Captain Fuck Kids.

No, but he knew kids named like Peter and.

We'll go through the Caribbean.

Fine boys.

We'll have sex with the boys.

Sex with the boys.

Imagine guys at home, a nice chacheting while we're doing these voices.

Oh, man.

I was just trying to do Johnny Depp.

I was trying to figure out a Johnny Depp impression the other day.

And I just kept saying like, my mom got fat when she found out Arnie was retarded.

Well, after my dad left and my mom found out Arnie was retarded, she decided

she got fat as shit as soon as Arnie came out retarded.

First couple of times they gave Arnie a math test.

It was clear he was retarded.

And after that, my mom, she just became just fat as fucking.

She got fat.

She got him.

She became a fucking cow.

Fucking bitch.

She got fat as hell.

Yeah, Ani's retarded.

He's so good in that movie.

Who's sucking Gilbert's cock?

That is like one of the only.

Not only, because first of all, so many actors that are talented otherwise have fucked up being retarded.

You mean Leo is so good in that movie?

Leo's a fucking movie.

Leo is amazing in that movie.

Yeah.

That is a fucking.

That is like

one of the best performances of all time.

Yeah, I haven't seen it.

Because it's like, you know, like they get like a hack joke, but the Tropic Thunder thing of like, don't go full retard.

Why that joke's so funny is because it's 100% true.

Everybody that fucking, like, it's incredibly fucking hard to do and have the character play, like, let alone authentic, but even sympathetic.

Right.

And not just like.

Just see the actor doing a bad character.

I did it as a boy.

I Am Sam is fucking disgusting.

I was just watching.

The other sister is disgusting.

Giovanni Rubisi is fine, but he's just playing himself.

You know, I mean, it's like

his range is like.

You can just use your normal voice finely, Giovanni.

What are you talking about?

I don't understand.

The scripts about a guy that rapes a retarded girl?

They're like,

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

So just keep doing that.

And that'll read fine.

That's exactly what we want.

More of this energy is just,

well, what should I do to get into character?

Nothing.

Stay pushed.

The cameras are.

You're forbid about it.

Yeah, yeah.

We're getting a lot of good stuff.

Yeah.

All this is going in.

What should I put on makeup?

No.

Should I dress different?

Yeah.

You're perfect.

Should I turn off all my marching band music?

Not at all.

I wore my dog costume here because all my other clothes are covered in heroin.

I spilled heroin

on all of my other clothes all my other jeans every other pair of clothes I have I spilled heroin on

what's uh what's Giovanni what's Giovanni been in what was big when he was young boiler room Arnie and Arnie and what's eating Gilbert Grape is a fucking great performance I would love to see you know it's a shame that they made peanut butter falcon instead of

Shia just playing a retarded one.

Yeah, they really should have let him

shocking he hasn't Shia

if Shia Shia had made that movie where he plays the retarded person and then he casts a Down syndrome actor as the normal guy,

that would be awesome.

Because that would be.

You couldn't criticize them.

Because Shia would mail it.

Yes.

And it would be the greatest performance of all time.

That would be the greatest piece of acting that anyone has ever produced.

That's right.

And then people will be like, you know, what about on the waterfront?

He'd be like, no.

Bullshit.

What about their movie where Shia LaBeouf was retarded and the retarded guy was normal?

On the waterfront, Marla Brando and

De Niro afterwards are going around sucking each other's cups.

That's what I said.

The best actor of all time is Shia LaBeouf.

Because he did a movie with a retarded guy, you're not even aware of it.

Because Shia is so good at acting.

He's even more retarded.

Even acting with him, he somehow elevates the other guy.

So he extracts

his talent

is so expansive that it crosses over into this other person and embodies him.

Is it possible, Mr.

President, that the man with Down syndrome was just all so talented?

Not a chance.

Don't be ridiculous.

It was all Shia.

It was Shia that did everything.

Shire?

I know he did that he will not divide us thing, but he has the makings of a great Hollywood Republican.

He would be awesome.

He's not, though.

If he was like, if his politics were like reactionary, he would rot.

Just because he's cool?

No, because he's like

a little crazy.

The Hollywood Pokemons are fucking Bruce Willis.

Plinicewood.

Plinice would, of course.

Gary Sinise.

Gary Panice.

Gary Panice.

Who else?

Fucking James Woods.

Oh, that guy, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's not.

Why Shia?

Why is such a

good actor is because the real Shia doesn't exist.

No, there isn't.

No, there's nothing there.

He's insane.

Did you see Honey?

Well, whatever.

I mean, he's just like a very extremely talented person that has layered himself in all of this talent.

No, did you see Honey Boy?

It's a very good movie.

It's very good.

But there is no real Shia there.

Well, it's about the real him.

No, it's still like that.

You know what?

That movie is actually a good thing in Nick's favor here.

What do you mean?

You make a movie like that, you're like, I'm going to make something powerful, but you don't even really give a fuck.

I'm going to make a movie where I play my.

It's an autobiography

or whatever.

I mean, it's like a fictionalized account of his own life, but but even like the real details of his life, he has to insert himself in.

Right.

And, like, because he's just, he's like, like a reflection of himself, and the real self was never there.

Oh, shit.

Hell yeah, brother.

Exactly.

I'm telling you, there's no real.

That's what makes him such a good.

There's an allegory of the cave.

I don't know about that.

I never understood what that meant.

It's like, it's like

Robin Denell.

He's got this cave.

You're afraid of the shadows and too afraid to leave the cave.

But they're not real?

Yeah, they're just shadows on the cave.

What the fuck?

So you're like, you know what?

Those are monsters that are keeping me in the cave, and then you leave the cave, you're like, oh, there were never any monsters.

And what did we say in a different episode?

We were saying the Matrix was that?

Yeah, that's what The Matrix is.

Is that so?

The algorithm cave is about shit you're worried about not being a big deal at all?

Well, just like the things that you're, yeah, I guess so.

The people that you can certainly place a bat on when

you going me?

Yeah.

I decide I'm taking the breeds off.

Take them off.

Take a break, dude.

I don't know the copy.

Listen, I don't know Dick Pill.

Well, you know what I do?

Because I love gambling.

No, gambling.

So

we got what's his name?

D'Angelo Russell?

Russell is on the Raiders.

And

we got some hot picks for you coming up.

And we're placing all of our hot picks on the bottom.

We'll take Marcus LeJackson for 12 over.

on a 15 reception.

Yeah, and the website we're talking about is my what is it?

My bookie?

My bookie.

And it's the best place to place your bets, and it's where we place all of our.

We place all our wagers on mybookie.he.

They pay you fast.

You will win.

If you sign up, you get a bonus.

And they have live in-game wagering.

You can bet on people's favorites.

Up to $1,000 master fucking deposit.

Up to $1,000.

i'm telling you you fucking losing this yep thousand dollars a master's deposit my boogie daddy dude my boogie daddy i'm eating walnuts a thousand dollars no match your deposit i'm eating walnuts but i'm telling you this fucking i only recommend a service of my fans that have been good to me you know what i mean

yeah no bullshit no fucking bullshit i'm on this fucking website betting every day we've never lied every dollar i fucking have

nicks quadrupled his money He's rich as fuck.

I'm rich as fuck, dude.

I bought a wife.

Oh, yeah, straight from Laos.

She's so sick.

My house from Laos.

But that's me pronouncing ho

in a weird way.

She's got

funny and text messages.

I got a text race, me and the CEO.

My bookie got AD.

I'll pull it up now.

Well, two CEOs.

Ha ha ha.

We're not giving any money back.

That's so funny.

Yeah, of course, we're promoted at the show.

You get 50% of all the money you steal from the fans.

Oh, here it is.

Yeah.

Laos.

Well, I guess

it doesn't really work.

It's not that funny either.

It's not as funny as I thought it was.

But the point is, she's got a really nice pussy.

And

he bought it with his winnings.

Yeah, my winnings.

Myboogie.Ag.

Stand by Wireless.

Which is an incredibly legitimate

domain ending.

Yeah.

AG.

AG is what you want.

That's how you know it's good.

It's an anonymous offshore company.

You have to have an anonymous offshore company to even get that domain name.

So you know that it's trustworthy.

But off of what shore, we're not quite sure.

And it doesn't matter.

It's so offshore, it's a country that doesn't even have shores.

They're somewhere in the middle of the ocean on a boat.

And

yeah,

we recommend it to all of our Lakers.

We love it.

You can do betting on fantasy.

We got the NBA freaking finals coming up tonight.

Lakers versus the put your money on the freaking.

As far as that's concerned, put your money on the freaking Lakers.

Yeah, 50%

parlays against the spread.

I love that.

I love that.

That's great.

It sounds cool.

I'm just going to start saying things that they have.

They got a couple points on the thing.

Yeah, you can definitely parlay.

Kind of like a proposition, Joe South parlay.

But you can press, you can bet on the overs and unders.

You can bet on the fucking prop bets.

I have no prop bets.

Who's got the biggest cock?

You know, will we see

Bam Adabio's cock pop out of his shorts?

Or something called LeBron's cock one.

Super spots, right?

Yeah, super contest or something.

I don't know.

How does NBA betting?

Do you have like minus 500 and plus 750?

I don't know what those numbers mean at all.

It means like, I mean,

if they're if those motherfuckers are minus, they're huge.

Minus 500, they're huge underdogs.

Of what?

Or are huge favorites?

Yeah, but why is that?

I mean, it's not like that.

In football, it's like minus seven.

No, no, no.

They're expecting to win by seven.

That's different.

There's two totally different.

All right, whatever.

The point is, go to myboogie.ag myboogie.ag up to a thousand dollars, you'll double your first deposit.

Play, bet, win, get paid, get sexy.

Get a Laotian.

Get some Laotian house.

Bring me all of my Trail Mix.

Make sure you eat promo copy.

It's been sitting behind your fucking Vitamix.

No, it hasn't.

I literally just assembled that TrailMix yesterday, and it hasn't been sitting behind my Vitamix.

Well, I need it to think.

I don't have a cop in front of me because my fucking phone died.

All right.

So I have to be charged by the money.

That is a newly assembled.

I have to eat nine.

I just want to put that on the record, put it on

probably charged by now.

You know me, I'm a voracious eater.

I know.

You had nine clementine.

I'm just going to have to start locking up his snacks.

One thing that's true about me is I'm a voracious eater.

Nick has no respect for my snacks.

And a voracious sucker.

And if you would have asked, I would have said yes.

By all means, my dad.

I'm fired up.

I'm in a fugue right now.

And I love these nuts, and I love my book of John A.

G, and I love my fucking dumb wife from China or wherever.

And if you go to this website,

use promo code Come Town or Come Town 20.

Again, I cannot remember.

One of those.

It's definitely one of those two.

Either Come Town or Come Town 20 and maybe case sensitive.

Go play around.

That's part of the fun.

That's part of the fun of a gamble.

Part of the game is figuring out what the promo code actually is.

That's right.

You can always email their 24-7 customer service.

Some of them are

serving, I think.

Their email is open 24-7.

That's right.

Their email is open 24-7.

They're never rejecting emails.

No.

I ain't telling them, guys,

you call them up on email.

You say, what's promised over combat?

They'll say, I don't fucking fuck you, fucking piece of shit.

So

I'm calling about that guy's Chinese wife.

Can I get...

They're like, we don't know the promo code, but we can show you a picture of that guy's wife's pussy.

How about Al Capono code?

Oh, yeah.

That's good.

And you have syphilis and you're going insane?

And he's like, hey, fucking mom and me.

Oh, where's the fucking cup?

How about fucking 20% off with the Al Capono code, huh?

How about that?

Did you guys even think about that?

I don't think they did.

Did any of you even consider?

Did you, you fucking idiots?

Did you even, did it even cross your mind?

Stupid little fucked-up mindset.

To fucking think of something along the lines of Al Capono code.

They couldn't have done that.

Again, it's Come Town or Come Town 20.

And figure it out.

And Nick can't go to the next phone to get his now fully charged phone.

It's been charging for an hour.

For 44 minutes.

What am I supposed to do?

Just walk away during the day.

Which you've done.

You've done it twice to get

Mandarin orange.

And to eat my drowning.

You've done it for snacks twice in the bathroom once.

I mean, it was mostly to get another Mandarin Orange.

All right, it's fine.

I'm not mad.

I barely pissed.

Although I did so.

Adam admitted that he sleepwalks and he pissed all over his bathroom.

All All right, it's more involved than that.

I thought of me.

Apparently, I got up.

The folks at home will be pleased to know that he has the scent of a cat.

It's a cat's use.

What happened was I got up.

There's a mirror, like a big mirror leaning against the wall in my bedroom.

I thought it was a door.

So I ripped it off the wall.

And then my girlfriend was like, what are you doing?

And I had already pulled down my boxers.

So I had my dick out.

And I was holding a mirror.

And then his girlfriend's like, oh, you also have a penis?

Because I do.

That's rude.

Because I'm the man.

No, that's rude.

That is what happened.

That's rude.

You can bet on it.

You've seen her pussy multiple times.

That is rude of you to say on the show.

I've never seen your pussy.

No.

We've seen your pussy.

I know.

Okay, so your boyfriend.

We've only seen your pussy.

Let me finish.

Okay, so

my boyfriend was multiple times.

All right, so my boyfriend was like, what do you see once?

What are you doing?

And apparently,

in my sleepwalk,

in my sleepwalk, I said, doing the math to make you as not gay as possible.

Stop it.

Well, making sure on the record you have a pussy.

Making it gay.

It's not gay.

You have a pussy.

You're a woman.

You're boy.

You're seeing Mr.

Walton.

There's not a single direction you can take.

Well, you're not gay.

I have a penis.

I'm the one.

You are the one.

I have a penis.

I am not gay.

Well, I am straight and you have a pussy.

I woke up in the middle of the night.

I pulled down my boxes.

That's true, Dr.

Straight.

I thought

that's very true, Dr.

Straight.

All right.

I guess I didn't consider those options.

I'll talk next episode.

Anyway, so and then she was like, What are you doing?

And I said, Apparently I said, It broke.

I put the mirror back.

Adam, tell your girlfriend to shut up.

Who's that girl, Adam?

You told me it was just us boys tonight.

It's me.

Your boyfriend.

Mr.

Phoenix.

No, you keep that.

It's an Easter egg.

Yeah, yeah, next episode.

It's an Easter egg.

You might want to pay attention to the term Mr.

Penny.

Anyway, and then apparently I found the real door, and then I woke up in the morning, and the bathroom was just covered in piss on walls, on the floor, everywhere.

Wait, hold on.

I just had a mental image of Jack Skellington going into that clearing in the forest.

There's all the different trees, but then there's one that's just like with a hole for his cock.

He's just standing there with his hands on his hips, getting his dick sucked through the tree

for like 12 hours.

And then it's just him running back to the Halloween village, like, guys.

You gotta see this fucking thing.

They're like, does it bite off your dick?

And he's like, no, it doesn't bite off your dick.

It sucks it.

And they're like, well, how's that scary?

They're like, maybe on the other side of the tree is a man.

And he's like, no, I'm pretty sure it's a hot girl on the other side of the tree.

Maybe it's a hot girl that becomes a man.

And then you're actually gay.

Ooh, spooky scary, you're actually gay.

And he's like, I guess they'll never understand.

It's called getting your dicks up before Christmas.

Getting your dicks up before Christmas.

There it is.

Swish.

Getting your dicks up the morning, basically.

It's a kid's movie.

That's awesome.

That's a very good one, man.

Respect.

We are fucking gay.

We are fucking gay.

Nick is losing.

This is the happiest I've ever seen

in my life.

18 months.

I tell you, man, I'm like,

I'm juiced up on Trail Mix.

You got to get a new thing of Trail Mix every FCC.

I got to build him Trail Mix.

That's a home-assembled Trail Mix.

I don't know why playing the hits feels so good today.

You know, sometimes it's about just dialing it.

Sometimes you're reeling in the ears.

Sometimes you've got to give a shit.

Get a thing fucked up.

I guess they'll never understand the magic of a Glory Hole.

Of putting your penis in a hole.

Just these stupid Halloween assholes will never appreciate the magic.

They'll never know what it's like.

Maybe it's just the mental image of Jack Skellington, like his pants still unfastened, running through the snow in the woods back to Halloween town.

Everyone, I've got great news.

What is it, Jack?

Is it a dead baby that got fucked through one of its eye sockets?

No.

God damn it, even for Halloween.

That's a little much.

I mean,

God fuck, dude.

Couldn't have been like a pumpkin or something.

Oh, my bad.

Yeah.

Well, your girlfriend is, you know, a Frankenstein that gets fucked by her dad.

Touche.

That's a good point.

Touche.

Very true.

That's in the space.

But the pussy is wild.

The pussy is, it's got a zipper on it.

If the pussy is too big, you can zip it down a little bit.

Jack, you're back.

I thought maybe we could fuck in the tower.

I'm a little sucked dry, Sally.

These bones are dry tonight.

In fact, I've chafed my penis bone.

I'll tell everyone about it at the next town meeting.

Jack, there's only 300 more days till the next Halloween, and you've been getting your dick sucked in the woods.

Mr.

Mayor, if you could just please understand,

it's more than about just getting your dick sucked.

There's a hole, and you don't know who's on the other side of it.

How's that better than just getting your dick sucked?

You already have a pretty hot girlfriend, Jack.

It's the spirit of Christmas or something.

That is the spirit of Christmas.

Getting your dick sucked before Christmas.

Yeah, we kidnapped Santa Claus.

Why?

Oh, I I guess we kind of forgot what movie we're in.

That's fine.

Why don't we put our dicks in his mouth?

Mr.

Boogie Woogie kidnapped Santa.

Oh, I'm filled with cum.

I never saw that movie.

What?

That's a fucking classic, dude.

I look too scary.

I was at a group chat.

I can't remember where it was.

It might have even have been on that fucking fucking subreddit.

Somebody added me to a group chat on the subreddit.

Oh, when you were on the Reddit?

Yeah, somebody talked.

Somebody, it's still one of the funniest things I've heard in the last five years.

But they were like, yeah, there was a kid in my middle school that wore all this Nightmare Before Christmas shit.

He was obsessed with Nightmare Before Christmas.

Then we found out that he hadn't even seen it because his mom thought it was too scary.

Oh my God.

That's unbelievable.

Can we just kick the shirt?

Pretending to have seen a nightmare.

A poser for Nightmare Before Christmas.

That's so gay.

God.

That's rough.

Yeah.

He was trying to get some fucking some proto-goth pussy.

Getting your dick sucked before Christmas.

That's what all the kids in

the gay straight alliance in my high school would wear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That and like Invaders in.

Of course, striped,

a lot of striped long-sleeve shirts.

Yeah, under, yeah, under like a black t-shirt, a striped, black and white, striped shirt.

There'd be like a black girl with like

perm with their like straight down.

Yeah, a black girl that's into Screamo with like

lugs.

Yes,

earlobe plugs.

Those kids looked like they were having a good time.

The best time, dude.

In hindsight, they were ahead of the curve.

They knew who they were from the jump.

The only character I enjoyed doing on the show was the preacher that got really into the Joker.

Yeah, that was good.

I had to point out that he understands it's very similar to his nightmare before Christmas face.

Now, friends, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, how is this any different from your Jack Skellington era?

And I hear you on that.

But the Joker represents

so different.

That's very funny.

My can't get hot.

I am gay now.

So I guess this will be the day after the debate.

But I hope everyone enjoyed it.

Hopefully Joey B came through, fucking

fist fought Donald Trump.

I would be so mad if that happens and then this episode goes up after.

No, but we're time-stamping it.

It is Yom Kippur right now.

It is Monday, Yom Kippur.

And the debate is tomorrow night.

We shall see, sirs.

We shall see what happens.

You've been getting into saying sir.

Yeah, I'm bringing it back.

You say sir a lot on text.

Yeah, I think it's nice to say it to your friends.

You heard a black kid.

Instead of dude.

I hate to hear a black kid say that.

I gotta be honest, Adam, I hate it.

You hate when I say it.

I hate it.

It seems like it's all right.

Listen, I don't want.

Okay, I feel like I was saying bro too much, and now I'm saying sir a little bit more.

I don't know.

It seems like my sir.

You went to the bodega.

It looks sarcastic.

Why would I hear a black kid say my sir?

I have no idea.

It is the opposite of what they would say.

I have no idea, but that's what happened.

There was a bodega, there was all right.

You have one.

There was

a couple of kids on the way to school.

No, as a matter of fact, I've run out of those kind of ideas because I'm not taking public transit anymore.

And so, therefore, I cannot copy what black kids are saying and wearing.

That's a good point.

He's got because I'm too afraid because of the coronavirus to ride the train.

Counterpoint, you're gay.

All right, you're sustained, counselor.

Yeah, no,

that's bullshit.

That was your vote.

Yana, I'd like to file a motion to call it.

Oh, no.

Jana, I'd like to summarily file a motion to call

approach the bench.

No, well, you can't.

Come on.

Sustained.

I would like it stricken from the record that the defense is a straight man.

I don't believe that that's founded.

This is not part of stained.

We also filed prior to today's hearing

a motion to suppress his identity.

The only thing suppressed is

the other counselor.

Shut up.

The other counselor.

Objection.

You're gay.

It's not your turn.

I have the

counselor Nick.

I have the gavel.

Okay, now we're on Lord of the Flies.

The speaking conch.

Your Honor, I would ask you to use your tiny hammer to silence the other guy.

Your Honor, may I approach your big chair thing?

Yes,

no, I just forget a lot of the law stuff.

That's why I have, I'm just a good, I'm a good, I'm a slick talker.

You know, that's why they have me, I do the closing arguments.

They come

removed from the bar.

I've been disbarred for 10 years.

I was disbarred probably 15 years ago on account of my reckless driving in my Cadillac, El Dorado Biaritz,

which I drive.

It's just what I like to call slightly toasty, where I have 13 brandies and then I smoke a blunt.

I drive around the great town of Jackson, Mississippi.

I go for a little toasty ride in my El Dorado Biaritz.

And they bring me in for closing arguments because I'm smooth and velvety.

But I don't know none of that law shit anymore.

I done drank the law right out my head, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I don't even know what we're here for right now.

But I see a man sitting right there,

and they said he did what?

What's it say?

What's the charge?

15 counts of possession of child pornography.

How the fuck are you going to have 15 counts of child pornography?

How you going to just have 15 counts?

You just crushing

it.

Oh, yeah.

My man said, what?

15 counts.

By the time you're done adding it up, the girl's 75 years old.

That's just big defense.

Could the members of the jury stop clapping and whoop-whooping?

Yeah.

Please show some decorum.

All right.

Where did he show some dick suckum?

Just Matthew McConaughey loses that kid.

To the drunk.

To the drunk guy that crushes with black club comedy.

Yeah.

Look at my man laughing.

The Mariana Rivera of Jackson, Mississippi.

Absolute closer.

The Sandman.

Now, if you excuse me, I've got some getting trash to do in my El Dorado Biaritz.

Oh, fuck.

Was that a real style of El Dorado?

Yeah.

Are you saying BRX?

Because Biaritz is a surf town in

France, I believe.

Shut the fuck up, dude.

You don't know about surfing.

I'm just planning my next life after the show.

You're not a surfer, dude.

You're not afraid of that.

Yeah, but I'm going to move to a small surf town.

No, you're not.

I'm not deciding between a couple right now.

What are the other options?

Puerto Escondito, Mexico.

How about Puerto Your Dick and my Hasacito?

Okay, that's...

Come on.

Puerto Your Dick.

You're inviting me to have sex agents.

She's inside my azo sito.

Puerto Morino.

You're

inviting me in the middle of the morning.

Alright.

Yes.

Yeah, I just want to find a small surfing.

Where did he go?

Oh, no, it's inside of my age or sito.

I got fucked in my aesito.

Where did he go?

Oh, no, it's in my ajacito.

Delicious.

Very good.

Somehow trick Joe Biden into thinking those are the words.

Well, my favorite songs is

actually assholes eto.

It's where'd the dick go.

And it's in my asses.

Look, you got kids.

They're growing up inside different ways.

Inside 15 different you got you got a guy driving down the street saying that he's he's looking for a job.

Well the jobs they're looking they're coming up

every which way from Sunday

Suck my peehos.

Sock my asshole.

Biden should tell Trump he's acting a little gay.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Donald Trump.

Listen, Jack.

Losing Jack, if you're from Scranton, from my town.

That's what a gay guy says.

Is he from Scranton?

Yeah, he's from Scranton.

That's what he says, but is he from Delaware?

Yeah, he's the president.

Oh, that's the same place.

We really shouldn't have a president.

We should have a general secretary.

Okay.

I think we should have a general.

It should be Debbie Wasserman Schultz as the general peacemaker.

The general secretary.

Let's bring that chick back.

Fuck that bitch.

She set my man Bernie up.

Stop throwing shells on her.

Don't tell me what to do.

Get the shells out of your fucking house.

We've done two episodes today, and we're getting into silly season right now.

We're throwing shells, we're calling each other home sexual.

This is the good part of the vacation.

Vacation, all I ever want when we take the pranking too far.

You put sand in Adam's contact.

No, no, honestly, I was mad.

There was a in Sydney, Australia, I was like, I was mad at Nick.

What did I do?

You were pranking too hard.

Yeah, it does go too far.

It was like, come on, bro.

I can't even open my mouth without you being like, faggot.

That's pain and I was like it's day four but I'm like it's day four of this yeah just crushing him with the car seat what was that yeah yeah

I'm like I don't know how it works pushing me into things in Japan stomping on his feet in the train well that was funny because he started it but that was hilarious because no don't lie on me you were trying to fucking hook my ankle

well that was funny it was funny because you

man I was doing a sand there was a lot of there was pranking going back and forth no but what I'm saying is you kicked a hornet's nest, and I was like, all right, you got to be on the road with me for a month.

Here's what I'm saying, though, is Adam thought wrongly that Nick would respect Japanese code of ethics.

So

he hooked your foot right before we got on the train, thinking once we're on the train, you're going to respect how orderly Japanese is.

Yeah, because you're supposed to be respected on the train.

We know that.

We know that.

We know the rules.

Nick was out for blood, and he started stomping on your feet.

And every Japanese person was horrified.

There was a homeless guy on his knees on a cushion, masturbating into a bento box, and he was like, I could not believe you.

These people have no respect.

I remember there was one time I was on an escalator, and I was like leaning over to shove my ass in someone's face.

Yes.

And there was a Japanese, like an elderly Japanese woman right behind us who was furious.

So fucking mad.

They're just disrespecting these people

Putting your ass in the people's.

Yeah, but like, you know, what's she doing?

On her way to buy a hentai or something?

I don't give a shit.

Yeah, this pedophile old ass.

This old pedophile bitch.

I mean, she's going to buy some hentai.

She could have been getting tea, but I, you know, she probably was buying a gift for her.

You can't spell hentai without tea.

That's true.

That's true.

You know, you go.

Just the one letter, though.

It is funny to imagine them over there, like, sitting cross-legged on the floor watching hentai.

I'm sure that.

Well, no, they probably just go to the rental place and jack off to it.

Yeah.

That one place that wouldn't let us in, remember?

Yeah.

When was that?

You weren't there.

You weren't there.

We went to the porn.

So you went out, you left town with your girlfriend.

You made us all go to Tokyo and then secretly planned a separate trip to Toronto.

We went away for one night.

Quiet.

This whole Tokyo was just.

We were there for eight years.

Mr.

Schmock, put your hand.

Make the V thing in my ass.

I don't have to defend that anymore.

All right, that's going to do it for us, folks.

Mr.

Spock, do that V shit.

Put the V in the shit.

Do that shit.

Mr.

Spock.

Do the live long thing.

Do the V and prosper V shit.

Mr.

Spock, put your hand in my ass and do the V.

Spread my ass a little bit with the V thing.

Anything for you, Captain?

Whatever you say, Captain.

Go to Stavi.biz.

Come see me on tour this October.

We're in Philly this weekend.

As a Vulcan, I don't see a reason not to do homosexual acts because it's just bodies.

I had a guy.

I had a bisexual guy try to make that argument.

He's like, it's just bodies.

It's just pleasure.

What the fuck does it matter?

It's like, yeah, it doesn't give me pleasure.

Well, it's like, okay, well, then have sex with your mother.

Got him, dude.

I did.

Now he's not gay.

Now he's straight.

This is back in

my Christian days.

He's straight, and he's been fucking his mom.

Back when I go door to door, fixing people.

Debating people into shit.

Like, are you a Jehovah's Witness?

No.

Actually, I'm a Judeo-Christian logician.

And a disclaimer.

All right.

All right.

Bye, folks.

That skateboarding guy is now asking people for money.

Tony Hall.

The TikTok guy that lip syncs to.

What are you talking about?

The Mexican guy on the skateboard that's the show.

All right, bye, guys.

Take care.

This one?

Yeah, the record.

Travel insurance sounds boring.

Until you need it, Insure My Trip makes it easy.

Compare top-rated plans, get expert help, and travel with confidence.

Whether it's a last-minute trip or a bucket-list adventure, we've got your back with unbiased guidance and smart tech.

No pressure, just peace of mind.

And if you're not sure what you need, our licensed agents are here to help.

No bots, just real humans.

Be prepared, not paranoid.

Visit insuremytrip.com and travel like a pro.

InsuremyTrip.com.

My phone just buzzed.

Another data breach alert.

It was a reminder that VPNs and encrypted apps can't fix what's broken at the network level.

That's where CAPE comes in.

CAPE is a secure mobile carrier built with privacy as its foundation.

It doesn't collect names, addresses, or personal data, so it can't sell what it never stores.

Use the code CAPE33OF to get the first month of premium nationwide service for just $30 and 33% off the first six months.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.