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Okay.
Sorry about that, folks.
Adam was just letting us know that he uh
he just pissed
his pants.
I peed my pants.
I have a like a sensory return to again my youth when I'm here.
Yeah.
That sucks, dude.
What do you think it was?
I remember this time that my dad watched me get beat up by girls at the swimming pool.
Nice.
Did that really happen?
It did happen once, yeah.
We used to live in an apartment complex.
We lived in an apartment complex and they had a pool there and a bunch of.
Hell yeah.
I mean, I don't want to make a class judgment, but white trash girls were throwing me in the pool.
Damn, damn.
And
he was just sitting there watching it.
I missed this story.
So, this was two weeks ago, and a bunch of six-year-olds.
Yeah, they were the whole family went to the pool.
They were
like seniors in high school, and I was like in sixth grade.
But yes, I was being bullied by women.
Actually, actually, what happened is this happened last week, and they were four years old.
No, this didn't happen last week.
There's a shutdown order.
We wouldn't be at the pool.
We're responsible citizens.
Yeah, but they have testing.
Yeah, you're wearing a shirt.
Yeah, dude.
I had to go to the house.
I'm wearing a shirt.
I only literally brought like three shirts because I thought I was going to be here for a week.
Why would he be asking you that question, Adam?
What?
Why would he stop wearing a shirt?
I thought Nick meant I'm wearing a collared shirt.
Yes.
I've been shirtless every time we've done this.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm self-centered.
I'm on edge because we've exposed the fact that you were recently beat up by children and you called them.
It wasn't recent.
It was when I was a kid.
I think at that point we were probably also
in that socioeconomic bracket, but whatever.
I keep forgetting to refill my pipe before we start this shit.
Dude, I'm annoyed.
You got the pipe.
I got the green juice going.
I got a green pipe.
It is a really nice color green.
That's my favorite color.
Yeah, dark.
This is why I started smoking a pipe again because I saw this pipe and I was like, fuck, I got to have that.
That's a good one.
Hunter green.
Anybody that's never been to a tobacconist,
go there because it's like a style of customer service that hasn't existed for like 100 years.
Yes.
A guy in a fucking...
it's a yeah, it's a guy in a suit and a hat though also that just can't wait to make you a gentleman.
You know, like what's what Stanley Tucci does as a gay man for women.
Yes.
These guys are like, you know, they're all Andres, but not a not a hint of like, you know, trying,
none of that.
They're neutered sexually.
They're not trying to make you cool.
They're trying to make you a gentleman.
A gentleman.
And there's their class.
They're classic men.
Jidenta style.
They're kind of Jidenta style, but there's no flourish to it.
You know, I mean, there's absolutely nothing
swagless.
Yeah, they're like
Albert, I guess.
Like fucking,
you know.
Albert, who?
Can we pick out
a pipe, Master Wine?
Alfred.
Oh, Alfred.
Alfred.
Yes, they're there to serve.
Yeah, and they're so excited that somebody wants to get into pipes, you know?
Because it's like how.
Oh, if you're under 60 years old and you go in there, dude, they're fucking thrilled.
Yeah.
I went in there one time and there was a guy, or well, it was this time to get get this thing, and there was a guy just staring at the window complaining about immigrants smoking a cigar.
Oh, yeah.
Those are places that's that's that's the kind of place you're getting there.
It's a safe space.
Have you been to?
I watched, there's like a bunch of cigar lounges in Bedstead.
I didn't, I tried to watch a.
There's one of them.
There's one on
Tompkins.
It's on Tompkins.
Yeah.
I went there once to watch a Sunday night football game because I didn't have TV.
And it was pretty fun hanging out with those guys.
They had some good opinions.
Yeah, I'm sure they appreciated you being there, too.
Yeah.
Taking pictures of them.
I didn't take pictures of Lash kept going.
I respected the space.
You were like, whoops.
Nick literally looks like that cartoon.
Joshua and Benjamin.
He looks like that cartoon.
Joshua and Benjamin, you have to see.
Especially with the beard.
You have to see these
I saw the other day.
No.
Trying to enjoy their life.
I saw a bunch of.
I was with
two non-Jews, one of whom was actually black, but actually.
Now you're counting.
Yes, I was.
Now you have a quota.
No, I was, you know, it's not my space.
It still tastes nice.
I got you.
I got you, brother.
It still tastes nice, even though there's no, you know, I can't get any.
Maybe I should start smoking cigars, dude.
Dude, you should get a pipe.
It's different.
It's a much different taste.
It's a lot nicer.
Yeah.
I might, dude, because I haven't smoked weed and I'm getting fucking bored.
I want to start doing drugs.
I haven't drank.
I haven't smoked weed.
I tried doing weed on Ford Smoke
and I can't handle it anymore.
It's pathetic.
Yeah.
You're just getting higher.
Pathetic.
Getting hungry.
No, I had an edible at night and then I was just alone in bed being like, everyone in your life hates you.
You're a terrible person.
Yeah.
Damn.
You'll never see your friends again.
It opens your mind to the truth.
Yeah, no lies detected.
Open my third eye.
You see, God's truth is
God spoke to me.
How come no one ever says that with the bad trips?
That's true.
You're right.
Well, yeah, I had a great trip.
I met God.
It's like, yeah, I had a really bad one.
I met God, and he confirmed that I'm just a fucking narcissist doing drugs.
Well, I'm a piece of shit.
No one will love me.
My dick is small.
Having early teenage experiences with drugs up until age 40.
I used to be so good at weed, man.
Yeah.
I really.
Back in my day, I used to be great at it.
I just completely lost it.
Yeah.
I can't.
I think, I don't know.
If I start smoking weed, it's really game over because I'm barely doing anything right now anyway.
If I smoke weed, it's just going to be like
just watching four movies.
I tried a couple months ago.
I tried to get back into it.
I bought a bong at Chelsea Market.
Salud.
Yeah, yeah.
I bought a bong, but it's just, I can't, it's just, I get too faded, man.
I can't do that.
That's a weird Chelsea Market purchase.
I know.
I thought it was funny that they had a bong store.
Chelsea Market's where you go to get like a fuck Trump bamboo steamer.
Yes, it is.
Yes, yes.
Or to have a meeting at Google.
Oh, right.
A nano in the cafeteria.
Nancy Pelosi oven mitt for a baby.
Yes, absolutely.
You're going to trust the market.
You can get that.
My friend was telling me, he, my friend, in D.C., Foodie was telling me a couple months ago when he had a kid, they have a baby store in D.C.
that's just like she persisted onesies.
Hell yeah.
I mean, DC is nasty.
D.C.
is the absolute fucking worst for that.
Dude, absolutely.
Have you been to DC since Trump won?
Walking around.
Yeah, it's, I mean, that city was already like pushing it.
And now it's like fucking completely over the edge.
When I saw the DTLR became a soul cycle that was
you street you street took a big hit that day brother yeah dude I mean I remember there was like there was some store like one of those like apothecary fucking mason jar light bulb stores in pet in Petworth and this was already I don't know what eight years ago it must have been 2012 yeah and they got in early and they they had stuff their Edison bulbs yeah they had stuff that like you know shirts like for babies that say I am Petworth Oh my gosh!
Like, literally, that you are older than the gentrification in this fucking neighborhood.
I am the child of my grandfather, did buy my dad a house in a neighborhood that black people used to live in up until 10 years ago.
You can still smell the exhaust fumes from the U-Haul from the black family that had to move to PG County.
It could not be any less you,
you stupid fucking baby.
I would love to just tell that baby.
Fuck that baby off.
Give that baby my
excuse.
You're ignoring its dad.
You're like, fuck you.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
How dare you?
The guy's like, fuck off.
He's like, I'm not, this is not between.
This is between me and the baby.
Sir, shut your fucking mouth.
You put the shirt on him because you wanted him to experience this.
Ah, fuck.
That baby's not even going to live to see Petworth.
Like, Like, he's not going to remember Petworth.
That baby's parents are moving out and renting that to fucking
fucking losers and then going to fucking,
I don't know, back to fucking Alexandria.
Chevy Chase.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah,
I was in D.C.
somewhat recently.
I'm trying to, there was a handful of really obnoxious things that I heard and saw.
And it was too much.
It was overwhelming.
Yeah.
Like, I walked past a group of people and they were saying something about, there was like, it's, the opening was there was a yoga instructor and they were like doing something about not assuming people's pronouns and how it was really cool actually.
Like I just like there was all of these things that
were going to do PR for fucking a missile company.
Right, exactly.
Like they're they're they've worked their lobby Twitter account for fucking yeah
supposed to post like how like a fucking their gender, yeah, they're like uh they accept all different gender missiles
I work for a um a a a nonprofit that accuses victims of sexual assault of being Russian bots.
That's what our company does.
Yeah, we're doing it.
God damn, DC sucks so much, Cock.
No, I w I wish there's I mean, there's like fuck Trump stickers everywhere and fucking like just imagine like you're like
you you're doing micro Banksy graffiti in 2020.
Hell yes.
They dude, they just found out about Banksy.
Those people love Banksy.
I saw a really good t-shirt last time I was there, which it was
Rosie the Riveter-looking ass bitch wearing any responsible adult 2020 shirt.
She's just like brutal.
They are definitely the brunch.
If Hillary won.
We'd be a brunch ass motherfucker.
That's the most, if Hillary won, we'd be at brunch right now, ass town.
That's crying at the Javits Center type bitch.
The whole city right now is on one group Zoom meeting having brunch and looking out their window looking for neighbors to call the police on for non-fucking social distancing.
They all cannot wait to send somebody to jail for non-social distancing.
It's a golden age for snitching these days.
It must be nice, Adam.
Do you feel good about that?
No, I haven't snitched once.
I've been doing my part.
All it took was a virus to get anybody even remotely to the left of center to be against the idea of like freedom in its entirety.
Like anything revolving, like people are like, We want liberty, and people are like, Why are you racist?
It's just the entire concept is just gone, and that you should be calling the police on people.
Nobody's even like, I mean, there's people that
understand instinctually that it's wrong, but they're not saying anything.
Yeah.
You know, whereas de Blasio can be like, you should call the police on people violating.
If children are social distancing, not social distancing, you should call the police on them.
And
now reasonable people are in a position where they have to be like, well, he's wrong, but
you should call the police on those children.
Yeah, you can't be fucking snitching, man.
It stops snitching Carmelo Anthony.
You know what I'm saying?
I would never talk to the police.
Never, dude.
Absolutely, I never have.
Have you never?
Have you ever had a conversation with a police officer?
Well, when I got punched in the face that one time, I you spit in his face, you're like, fuck you, pig.
No, it was by a crackhead, but yeah, I just told them I was like, no, someone punching people in the face around here.
No, no, that's what you said to the cop who tried to help you.
Fuck you, pig.
I'll never tell on a fellow brother of Brooklyn, on a fellow brother of Bedstey.
Yeah,
Spread Levitts, the Brooklyn way officer.
Have you ever heard of
the notorious BIG officer?
Live from Bedford Stuyvesant, the livestone.
Dude, I really wanted to get Nick and I those alternate Nets jerseys this year that said Bedsty on them.
You absolutely should.
That would be so funny, just walk into the bodegaway.
Yeah.
Just like a $200 authentic jersey.
Yeah, it's like probably $200.
I just get a 4XL just a dress.
It's Black History Month.
Henna tattooed on my face.
Just going,
hey,
what's up?
Just
wishing everyone a happy Black.
Let me get this 40-ounce Assain Eyes.
And do you have any Kente cloth do-rags?
Yeah, I know it's March, but I'm trying to keep the party going.
The after party.
march is the after party of the Black History Movement.
Yeah, let me get a chopped cheese and a Kente Claude Durag, baby.
March is the hotel lobby.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, no, I stayed here throughout the coronavirus, so I'm allowed to, I'm allowed to do all this stuff.
I didn't leave to earn my stripes.
I moved in right before and I stayed throughout.
Do you think there's people that's going to be buying up fucking parts of Brooklyn or some shit because of this shit?
I wonder if there's going to be like a...
I think probably the real estate dip was like a couple weeks ago to get in there.
You could have gotten something cheap.
But there's always like foreign money coming in.
What about all the like fucking mom and pop stores that are going to close?
That was already happening.
I mean, half the...
Half the bodegas are now that like natural grocer bullshit.
That's true.
Most of them.
But is that a chain or is just a marketing?
You know what this means that I didn't think about?
Sweets for the sweeties is fucking closed, boys.
You know, it's a cool thing.
We never got to go to sweets for
sweets for the sweeties.
And we never got to have a malt to share a malt at Sweets for Sweeties.
A cool thing that they do in New York is like, you know, all those Kennedy fried chicken places.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
So, I mean, it's like a
it's like pretty close to being like a trademark violation of Kentucky fried chicken.
Yeah, hell yeah.
But the intellectual property of
Kennedy Fried Chicken isn't enforced internally.
So it's like this, any black person can just open a business called Kennedy Fried Chicken.
That rocks.
That's awesome because there was a Kennedy fried chicken in East Baltimore that I thought was a chain, but the menu is completely different from anything.
It's just a name any of them can use.
And there was one that changed its name to Obama Fried Chicken.
And
I think it's still Obama Fried Chicken.
Hell yeah, yeah.
I can't wait for
Adam to a guy in that, in like a bedstead jersey to be like, um, oh, why don't you just call it war criminal fried chicken?
Yes.
Just showing up.
Thank you.
Do you know how many people were killed at weddings
by drones, sir?
Have you no awesome?
Yemeni guy does not give a fuck at all.
I love that it's like no standardized menu.
And also what they have on the menus is like pizza, fucking fried chicken, subs, ice cream for some Chinese,
dude.
Yeah, some have egg rolls and Lomain and Ross.
Yeah, apparently there's a good one that's like halal, that's very good.
The one by where Nick lives, the one on fucking in Baltimore was awesome.
They had awesome chicken boxes.
I'm actually now nostalgic for it.
I'm so hungry, dude.
I was just feeling that diet.
Yeah.
I, I, uh,
I,
oh, yeah.
I went ground turkey.
Because, again, I got to eat nothing but like lean protein.
Ground turkey.
It was burnt.
99% lean.
I made a
sacking peanuts.
It's awful.
I made a bolognese a couple of days ago with ground turkey.
It tasted very good.
Yeah, but you probably use like the regular ground turkey that has like that's what like 93% lean or something.
Oh, yeah.
So
even that little bit of fat like makes a world of difference.
Plus all the sauce, you probably put olive oil in there.
Yeah, you put a bunch of shit in there.
I just used rail.
In fact, the best shit for like making breakfast sausages is like a fatty ground turkey.
When I used to make like breakfast patties, I preferred that over pork.
Really?
Yeah.
And it's easy.
It's just a little like what?
Rosemary, fucking black pepper, maybe a little bit of sage.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Red pepper.
Is any ground turkey fatty, though?
Or is even are you talking like the 90-10 shit?
I got the shit that's fucking...
Yeah, like 90-10.
I'm talking like the, like, I have 99% fat-free ground.
Where the fuck do you even buy that?
At the grocery, at the grocery store that just opened up.
Yeah.
I need to get some fucking psyllium husks because I'm shitting like once a week now and it like destroys the toilet every time.
What are we talking?
Just a big fat lump of shit?
Well, it's just like dense and then the toilet won't flush.
Bro, let me tell you, the shits are flowing in this apartment.
Yeah, I wish.
I mean, shits are flowing like a faucet.
I had, I was, so I like, I ate nothing but fucking peppers as like a meal.
You know, to like, I'm like, I'm going to get all my fiber in and force, force something through here.
Nothing.
Smoothies, brother.
That's why I'm drinking these smoothies.
Yeah, the smoothies.
This shit, ooh, Maron.
Moves right through it.
The problem with smoothies is like, you know, you have them, like, then you just blew a whole meal on like a drink.
No, dude, you, like, this shit is literally
a bag of spinach.
I know, but you're not on like a like a calorie deficit.
So, like, that.
Motherfucker, I'm saying this much spinach is like 70 calories.
So you got nothing in there but fucking spinach?
I have like a couple, some frozen berries and literally water.
Yeah, but the berries shit, I mean, that's a little bit more.
I mean, I would say you put an apple in there, some apple juice, or something to fucking sweeten it up.
But just trying to go like green smoothie that's like fucking kale and nothing.
It tastes like shit.
It's disgusting.
It's the only healthy thing I eat
my whole life.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that's the only thing keeping my system flowing during this pandemic is I have one of these disgusting green smoothies every day and I shit out the I also made some fucking burger yesterday was burger night yeah as requested by my roommates and I got in the kitchen and I chefed it up I got to figure out a way to get through the rest of these fucking Kirkland burger patties because I those those are real fatty and I plug them you have those in my house right I plug them in and it's like they're too I can't use them I have to like do half you could fucking break them up with turkey nah what I'm doing is I eat the whole thing because they're frozen so I eat the whole thing
and then I just subtract that fat from the next meal, you know,
just to get through it.
I see you, brother.
Yeah.
I would want some Kirkland power.
Yeah.
I made, what I did was get a mix.
More fiber.
Maybe I could just be drinking more water, too.
But I mean, I'm like, not shitting.
No energy.
Sucks.
Getting lean, bro.
Getting lean for sure.
That's good.
Yeah.
You're going to come out of this like a little butterfly, dude.
Like a sexy little butterfly.
Well, this will probably go on for another 18 months, so I'll probably weigh 10 pounds when it ends.
You're going to be the machinist?
Yeah.
But your cockle, he looks huge.
That's what I hear.
Your dick looks awesome.
Oh, really?
Where have I heard this before?
Have we talked about this?
Are you serious?
I thought you were saying that as a joke.
This has come up literally.
It's come up like five times in the last three months.
Bro, I don't remember anything we talk about ever on this fucking show.
Yeah, me and Neil.
It feels like we just have a conversation.
I don't log our conversations in my head.
Someone is.
Yeah.
That's for damn sure.
That's true.
Well,
yeah, I haven't even, I can't even play Doom Eternal anymore.
I'm just like, I just stare at the low energy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've been getting kind of muscular.
No, you haven't.
I shouldn't have said that.
I shouldn't have said that.
And that you haven't.
Yeah.
You're so full of yourself.
I'm too humble.
I'm too humble.
You do two push-ups and you're like, I look good.
Yeah.
No, that's not true.
I've been doing burpees and pull-ups.
Once a year, you'll pretend like you're going to be able to get it.
And going to the gym and then just lie about what you can bench.
No, I've been doing every day since I've been.
I've been doing a number.
It's always like, yeah, I'm benching like $145.
No,
don't bring it up.
Don't bring that up, Nick.
What a 12-year-old girl should be able to.
There's a picture that Nick has on his phone that he uses.
i haven't brought it that is one of the most unflattering pictures i've ever seen in my life it's pretty impressive i was honestly i gasped when i saw how much of a bitch you look like anytime i was bad
like that anytime we're arguing things get too hot nick can just replace
about the gym like i've only dropped that on you when you specifically try to like make fun of me for going to the gym and it's no i didn't make fun of you you go to the gym too
you're bad at it you're bad at the gym
do we have the same goals?
You just suck dick at it.
It'd be like if I was like, oh, I'm going to take, I'm going to go, I'm going to go, you know, I don't know, the racetrack or something, or like, oh, with your car.
And then I post pictures of you crying at like a go-kart course.
Like, oh, remember that?
Yeah.
You were all.
Remember when you said, I'm getting really into racing, and then you cried because four-year-old girls beat you up?
The shape your body is.
I shouldn't say that I'm one of the most ridiculous things.
Take it back.
I take it back.
I just have never seen someone struggle with that little weight.
And it makes you look worse.
Your body doesn't even look bad normally.
It makes you look truly like
an emaciated woman.
I was not struggling.
I was doing just the bar for form before I put weights on it.
But it does look like I'm bench-pressing just the bar.
I think I put weights on it.
But your form is terrible.
Yes.
The form is what's horrible.
The form was bad.
The form was bad.
And you look
aggrieved.
It looks like you're doing a Joaquin Phoenix make your body look shitty and fucked up in the Joker.
Yeah, like the Joker.
It's like that thing that he does.
That's how you look.
He's really good when he does that.
It's very talented.
He just looks like that.
You watch the Master.
His posture is all fucked up in the Master, too.
And I know he's supposed to be playing a crazy guy, but it's like, I don't think he's...
Well, he's supposed to.
In the Master, I I think he's a guy who got like shell-shocked from the war.
So I think it's supposed to look like he was injured or something.
Does he ever, has he ever been jacked in a movie?
No,
that would be cool.
I don't think so.
Have you seen the movie where he maybe Gladiator kills him?
Everybody's got to have, like,
you know, you wear the little outfit.
Yeah.
Who's crazy?
In Rome, or not Rome, in 300, where everyone had to be jacked.
Like, even the character that's like the mailman.
Yeah, yeah.
He's the guy that's the guy.
This back in Sparta who like is just, you know, he hangs out at the bar.
He's like, Well, we had like a war or something, and he's just got like a six-pack.
He's like, Oh, yeah, I don't know about that.
Even the fucked-up, like, retarded guy that snitches on them has like abs underneath his fucked-up, like, yeah, he's like a strong, but like, it's weird, dude.
Yeah,
Ephialtis.
They named the name for a nightmare, is named after that guy's name.
I'm gonna come out of this looking like Leonidas, though.
No, for real, though.
No,
Leon
needs dick.
Leonidas.
Leonidas.
You're not Leonidas Dick.
I'm Leonidas Dick.
Can I be?
Can you be Leo Needs Dick?
Can I be Leon Negro DiCaprio?
No.
Why not?
Okay, fine.
Yeah.
Oh, I was doing one
song the other day.
Can I do it?
What's that?
You can tell me.
Tell me.
Nick seems like he's enjoying the Leonro DiCaprio.
Well, it reminded me of the song.
Go ahead.
Do the song.
It's
Nick.
Would he do some kind of famous lines from his movies in some way, would you say?
I mean, naturally, that's where that would go.
Okay, so no, let's.
I want to hear that.
That's better than the song.
Naturally, you would say the thing and then walk the bit out to its natural conclusion.
What's the song?
Go ahead.
Hey, we got no.
Now it's like.
We got another 35 minutes here.
All right.
Um, it's a
black guy singing in the dead of night.
That's that's
that's awesome.
I kept saying that.
That's really
black bird.
It's a black guy singing.
Um, well, that's even better than
yeah, that's much better than blackbirds sucking on my dick.
I'm gay,
which was it.
Well, I just thought it's funny if the Beatles sang that about a black, a black guy.
Why couldn't it be black guy sucking on my dick?
I'm gay.
Think about that, Adam.
Think about adding adding a new twist to an old familiar.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
So I guess we can change it to black guys sucking on my dick.
I'm gay.
There you go.
Sing it.
Sing it with conviction.
Black guys sucking on my dick.
I'm gay.
You think it'd be ethically wrong
for me to go ride the
East River ferry right now for no reason?
Is it going?
Yeah.
And they're tearing up ferry, they're tearing it up.
They're tearing it up on the river?
Really?
No one's on there, though, because it's like, you know, I love taking on that ferry.
That's literally what I ripped Ian for, but this time it's about something I enjoy and not riding a bicycle around.
Taking that ferry is
like a nice mini cruise in the middle of your day.
Yeah.
And you get to go.
It's very pleasant.
Would you pick it up at Brooklyn Heights?
What?
Would you pick it up at Brooklyn Heights?
Yeah, Dombox.
Or Williamson.
Dumbo, I guess, is the big.
Tumbo, yeah.
Yeah.
I would, I don't know, man.
That's a whole thing.
It's a whole adventure.
That's a nice date.
You walk around Brooklyn Bridge Park, then you take the ferry.
It's a
classic New York City date.
Economical as well.
What's that?
The ferry's free.
The ferry is no, I think it's $2.75.
Oh.
Nice.
Yeah.
I spend on a bitch, dude.
You'll open up the coffers for some.
I'll open up the wallet for a bitch.
$5.50?
For a nice little boat ride for the two of us?
Yep.
That's just one way, though.
Yep.
That is true.
If I was cheap, I'd take the Staten Island fairy, which is true.
Damn, dude.
The fucking fairy.
The Feradouch.
Who you call it?
Black guys, Sakana.
Black Boss, Sakanama.
Decam gay.
You know?
And honestly, that's a beautiful portrayal of interracial of modern love.
Why do you jewel off-cam, Adam?
I feel like
embarrassed of what it looks like.
Yeah.
I think it probably looks kind of lame.
Yes, it does.
But, you know, I'm trying to protect my image.
Warches and all.
At this point, my image is all you have left.
Unvarnished.
Varnished.
What's the word?
Who cares?
I'm never leaving my house again.
What's the deal with
so?
Kim Jong-un
is not going to die?
But they were saying he was.
They were saying he's brain dead, I thought.
What happened there?
He's not, right?
Yeah, no.
Apparently, people lie about it.
Now they've got something in common with
our freaking leader.
You know?
Thank you.
You ever see the way Tom does that kind of like this chicken move?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know.
When he's got a real good one.
Yeah.
When he's got a real good one, he wants to punctuate.
Yeah,
he's vibrating for the energy.
He's just charging up, baby.
He's just going super Saiyan.
Yeah.
Brain dead.
I love when he gets like he goes like a little bit too far.
You know, oh, it's all
yeah.
Just it always goes like morbid.
It's always about how he wants someone to die.
Yeah, like when he said that he wanted someone to die.
Oh, yeah, that was so mean.
Yeah, that was awesome.
And then you told on him.
No, I didn't.
I didn't tell on him.
I made a joke about how he shouldn't be harassing this day and name.
You started a mass report campaign against Tom.
Yeah, I said
I had sent it to some of the women from the Me Too.
Nobody snitched.
Alyssa Milano reposted it, said we need to ban Tom.
I respect anyone that wishes me death.
Well, I'll tell you.
So Tom can stay.
I was trying to stand up for stop.
I'll tell you what.
And I appreciate that.
If you like the Me Too movement, you'll love Blue Chew.com.
Hell yeah.
That's right.
I think that's what it says says here yeah because poppy if you there's never been anything bad that's happened if you like sex you'll love blue chew.com but you're good with the with the pipe to emphasize the point yeah because of i've destroyed my circulation by just smoking a pipe all day long
i now need penis enhancement pills for the bedroom
oh yeah
yeah oh yeah poppy bedroom but you can take them it It says enhancement for the bedroom, but you can take this shit in your car.
You can, yeah.
In a bar bathroom when you're unexpectedly about to get pussy.
Yeah.
And now you're nervous because you're like, shit, is the pill going to kick in on time?
You guys have to move.
See, that's the move.
You can get it.
You can spend the whole Uber ride kind of stroking your cock a little bit to see if it's working.
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Chiales.
I love that they put that on Italians, the Viagra and Chiales.
No,
on Italian.
It's like, yeah, it's like, you've been in the Viagra and a Chiales.
You're right.
They do sound pretty Italian.
They do sound Italian.
Wants their dick harder than an Italian.
Yeah, I mean, they both sound like they would be Hyundai's if they weren't dick pills.
That's true.
Yeah.
The Hyundai Viagra.
Yeah, they both sound like great car models.
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Yeah.
How fucked up is your cock?
Which, did that happen?
I mean, I guess I kind of just, I didn't ever give them feedback.
I kind of just.
I think we were grandfathered in during the Wild West days where you just fucking clicked a button and a bunch of dick pills came into your fucking
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Yeah,
I came in later.
Thank God I did.
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Oh, yeah.
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I just panicked because I thought it was May for a second, but it's April still.
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Here's the deal for you guys.
Dude, reading sucks now.
I fucking hate it.
Oh, yeah.
I can't.
Dude, every night I read for like, I'm like, I'm going to read.
And I read for four minutes and I go to sleep.
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My brain hurts every time I read.
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But here's the thing.
And look, they said, you know, we're not just fucking, we're not just admen.
We're customers.
Yeah.
I got that shit in.
You got to know that.
In the bathroom.
But Dr.
Fauci.
Fauci.
Yeah.
Who has been 100% correct on this thing the whole time, has said that it is okay to get pussy.
He said.
Wait, for real?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's they.
I told you, I second and third hand.
I think I heard him say that.
Is that serious?
Yeah, they said, Be careful with assy.
Yeah, they were like, No, that was the New York thing.
But they said, Look, I know people, you know, it's got to suck to be somebody that wasn't fucking at all, and then quarantine started, and it was like three days, and people are like, Oh my god, I haven't fucked it all.
And to be the guy that's like,
Yeah, that's a long time.
That stinks.
That sounds like a long time.
I'm personally going crazy over it.
Yeah, I don't even know.
I mean, it's like, I guess I'll just play video games for a decade.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway.
I'm just going to stay here with my parents.
Yeah, they said you can fuck.
So if you're not, you should go to Blue Chew, order some.
And also, too, if you get the prescription now,
you're stocking up.
And then when the quarantine ends, guess who you can take two, three pills at a time?
I can't wait.
My cock is going to get so large.
Just rock star.
Rockstar car wash your way through the fucking unemployment line.
You know,
just going, how are you doing, ladies?
You ever hear of an erection?
You just take a dick pill in front of a woman you're trying to fuck with this man.
Hey, listen, bitch.
We'll need this for later, bitch.
Whoa, me too.
What is this?
2016, it's the apocalypse.
Why don't you come suck my cock?
I paid for the pills.
Haven't you heard, bitch?
Me too's old news.
Joey Biden's the Democratic nominee.
Yeah.
Everybody's getting pussy anyway, they want it.
Yeah.
Come here, let me smell you, you dumb bitch.
Did that tweet from the New York Times?
It was like...
Oh, my God, dude.
Like,
there's no evidence that he did anything other than fucking what people said.
Touching, sniffing, other than the well-sorted.
I didn't see it.
What is it?
There were full accounts of him touching.
Well, how about you don't worry about it?
You know, next time you have one of these I didn't see it thoughts,
you just go, yeah, totally.
I'll tell you.
Because what would have happened if you did see it?
You would have said something cool about it?
Probably.
Maybe.
There's a chance I would have.
You would have said something.
Yeah, I would have come in with a cool take.
I'm just kidding.
Bluechew.com, promo code ComeTown.
Promo code Joe Biden.
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Oh, fuck, dude.
I'd like to slip him a couple of Blue Chews.
Oh, that would be awesome.
He seems like, even if he's senile, he seems virile still.
But that's the thing.
Imagine him with cockpills.
Yeah.
What kind of fucking hijinks he would get up to?
What kind of 80s-style senator-type behavior he would get up to?
Some like teen sex comedy style shit.
Porkies.
Drilling holes in a girl's locker room wall.
Would it be worth it to re-watch Porky's this afternoon?
There's all this shit that I want to do.
I don't know if it's that I remember, that I think, like, oh, that would be fun.
And what I'm just remembering is when I enjoyed weed as a teenager,
yes, 100%.
You do get to see, what's her name, Kim Cottral's Hooters.
If I were to smoke weed now, I would stare at the fucking wall and do nothing.
What I've been doing is that I would do is I would justify having one serving of seaweed snacks and then end up eating like 15 packages of them.
That's true.
That would absolutely happen.
It does.
It's fine.
It's seaweed.
I would completely blow my diet, but then on bullshit.
Oh, not even anything you're doing.
Not something I enjoy.
I wouldn't eat
fucking like nine bags of rice cakes.
Yes, dude.
Horrible.
Just not really, just sort of slightly wincing every time.
Yeah.
Dude, I do.
That's all you got.
Exactly.
When you have like compulsive behavior and you start going off the rails with something, you're like, fuck it.
I don't care.
Fuck it.
Let it go.
Yeah.
You just like, no matter what, you just can't stop.
Oh, I had a nice little run last night, dude.
I was almost almost home-free, just noticing like, let me have some a little sweet on the way out, but we didn't have any dessert.
Yeah, I literally was just fucking eating cereals.
I was just like, Yeah, peanut butter in the cereal, mixing it up, an entire bag.
Dude, I can eat like I think at one time I ate an entire barrel of those honey-braided, like twist pretzels, yeah, because I was like, I'm gonna let myself have one.
Yeah, and then I had three, and it was like, Well,
guess I learned, guess I learned my lesson.
So much for trying
time to sit here and over the course of two and a half hours eat 15 000 calories worth of yes
i barely like i mean that's barely i love them don't get me wrong the honey the honey twisted ones yeah i've never had those they're not they're not barrel eat worthy brother I don't know.
I love them.
The honey braided twists.
We got different tastes.
That's true.
That's the thing.
It's like, if you were an alcoholic, you would be one of these fucking
whiskey or scotch-tasting kind of guys.
You're not like a fucking 30 cores light sort of dudes.
Yeah, that's probably true.
Yeah, see, these are just
fine.
I'm looking at them.
They're good, but they're not.
Oh, you had to pull them up?
I had to pull them up to make sure I had the right one.
Jamie, let's get that on the screen.
Can we get that on the screen?
Let me remember what these look like.
Just not enough flavoring for for me though you know what i like too first of all two greatest snack brands snyder's and utz
uts i can definitely go with you there yeah utz is good i don't know that i can follow you all the way on snyder the snyder's rectangular box hard sourdough pretzels the big respect on that the big fuckers great 100 yeah you're not gonna hear a fucking peep out of me about that and also the i just don't see the versatility of the snyder's brand but go ahead yeah they have like pretzel bites that are covered in like yes like honey Honey barbecue.
That I am so in.
And they have a buffalo situation now, too.
They had like a weird like onion one also.
Those are unbelievable.
I remember I had a bag of those and my dumb bitch stepmom when I was like 15 was trying to tell me that I couldn't eat them in the apartment because she was allergic to onions or something.
And I was like, you're just trying to find any way.
To
just shit on my life.
This is the one thing I'm enjoying, baby.
The smallest thing away from me.
A bag of pretzels I bought at the gas station, dusted with something that's probably going to give me
testicular cancer.
It's going to make it so I can't have a family of my own.
So I will also be relegated to the world of step-parenting, like you.
If only you had had that to tell her right then, that would have really shut her bitch ass up, dude.
But fuck.
You know, whatever.
This would be a bad time to get testicular cancer.
Not that there's ever a good time.
Yeah.
I feel like we don't.
I don't know anyone that's had ball cancer.
I won my one of my friends won ball nate.
Yeah.
He had it.
Damn, you don't know anything.
It's like that means they snip the shit off.
Who?
You know what that means.
Then I'm going to get it.
You.
But I think it's early 20s, you get it.
It's like the young man's cancer.
To your right.
If there's no gay guy, it's you.
What do I hear?
I think I hear your tiny balls filling with tiny.
They're not.
That's the only thing that might save you is how small your balls are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's not enough surface area for the cancer.
This
row is too microscopic.
It's very nice to grow any other cell.
Yeah.
I thought I had to.
I had testicular cancer a couple of years ago, but I'm pretty sure it was coronavirus.
Yeah.
Didn't your nut keep getting twisted or something?
Me?
Me?
No, I had like a cyst on one of my nuts that I thought was a tumor.
Yeah.
And I went to the doctor and they they were like, yeah, it's just a cyst.
Did they suck it to check?
No, it was a Chinese doctor who just like, his equipment was like, there was like
doctor's office machines just jammed into the room and then like a bucket of magnum condoms.
And he was like, okay, you know, pull your pants down and let me take a look.
You know, he's like one of those like New York Chinese guys.
Yep.
And he's like, he's like, okay, yeah, I can definitely feel it.
Let me look at me right here.
It's a cyst, okay.
You know, if it fucking gives you problems in the future, maybe you come back.
We'll do ultrasound, but for this, it's assist.
Don't worry.
He's like, Okay, let me check your prostate real quick.
Just by feeling it around?
Yeah, he just was like, It's fine.
Dude, the Chinese rock.
If I was gonna, that's why it must be okay to like, you know, because I figure over there, you work in a factory for 10 years and you're 27.
They're like, Yeah, you have every type of cancer.
But
the doctor's probably like, hey, sorry, Slick, but hey, don't worry.
Fuck it.
That's life.
And then you're like, yeah, I guess that is life.
It is life.
You go to the factory.
Yeah, you just fucking
be 12 hours a day, six days a week.
Just be a Chinese guy.
It's amazing they don't have country music.
In China?
Yeah, they do.
They have like their country music is that bing bong
fucked up Chinese guitar.
That I do know that we've talked about.
Yeah.
Because I love talking about that.
Bang bong.
This is going to be the clip that gets us canceled.
What?
That's what what I'm saying.
Yeah.
No, it definitely sounds like that.
Just a
Chinese guy named Johnny Cash only.
He's a
Chinese country
musician.
I hurt myself today.
What was he doing?
Refusing a black person service.
Yeah,
I guess.
You know what I mean?
Rushing him out of his store or something like that.
I mean, it could, you know.
And instead of pickup trucks, I got rickshaws.
That's why.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
I'm not too.
That's definitely true.
I'm not too proud to.
That'd be funny if you were a Chinese, Chinese incel trying to do, like, run people over, but you drive a rickshaw.
Yes, that's true.
Trying to do like a truck attack with a rickshaw.
It's just a funny image.
You would just get hit immediately.
Yeah, you would just
instead of Garth Brooks, it's uh
Barth.
Uh,
you just swaps off the light.
Oh, I see, I see, yes.
Okay, okay, you got it.
That one's kind of a connect the dots problem, right?
It works for Brooks and Dunn, also.
Yeah, sort of, I guess, sort of Dooks and Brun?
Nope, don't know, uh, Gooks and
well,
yeah,
that's true.
Mm-hmm.
Damn.
Johnny Cash Only is good though, man.
No, we'll
keep talking.
Okay, let's throw some more out.
Kenny Lodgers?
What are we doing now?
Are we naming
Chinese country singers?
Country singers.
yeah i'd like the approach of johnny cash only more than just kind of yeah because it's like a chinese the chat the chats the chat's got to be going wild right now oh yeah
those idiots they're so mad that they can't
sorry you'll never know bitch yeah sorry you're not we're not going to see your idea i don't care if you came up with it first
we'll we'll arrive on it five minutes later and do it wrong you'll be like i was the one that said it
That's got to be infuriating.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
I sucked my own penis
because I'm gay and Chinese.
That's kind of the song he would do.
You'd think it'd be a voice, but no, he sounds just like Johnny Cash.
But he lets you know he's Chinese.
That's my spin on the whole thing.
I suck dick.
What's that bitch's name?
Ball.
Big ass titty.
Huh?
Love me.
What's her name?
Who?
I can't remember.
A lady with Dolly Parton.
Dolly Parton.
So you can't remember her name and then you also don't have a thing to pair her with.
You got to start with the name.
I don't know if I was saying.
Yeah.
Oh, give me one of the names so I can not have an idea for it.
Yeah.
It wasn't like, let me see if this fit.
Oh, here it is.
It's oh, just the country people.
I'm trying to remember
country people's names, and then you got to build off the name.
I got Kenny Lodgers.
That's
that's half point.
Nope.
All right.
So I just said no.
What about John Prawn?
So John Prawn.
John Prawn?
Because I feel like Chinese people call shrimps prawns more than the average person.
Sure.
Yeah.
Sure.
That guy was pretty good.
I never knew him at all, and then he died.
And very sad, dude.
His shit, his shit was popping off.
Some good-ass songs in there.
He's got a weird, fucked-up, cheeky face.
Oh, Misoly.
Maybe Miso Sally pardon.
Yeah.
Miso Sally part.
Yeah.
Damn, Nick.
Virtuoso.
All right.
Tears in my eyes.
And the next one.
Bravo.
Moving on.
Moving on to the next one.
So just to reiterate, though, Kim Jong-un is not dead.
People are lying.
Yeah, Kim Jong-un.
No.
Good.
Thank God he's alive.
That's what I say.
Him in his animal crossing looking ass body.
He does look cute.
What is that?
Adorable.
What's an animal-crossing-looking body?
I don't know.
I've never even played Animal Crossing, but he's, you know, portly, but in a kind of cute way.
I thought they were like
anteaters and raccoons and stuff.
I think there's people in it.
I think it's people from what I can tell on the screenshot.
But I haven't played because I'm sure that women have ruined it, you know.
Hmm.
So true.
It's the girl video game of quarantine.
And you won't play it?
I don't have any systems here.
So you're even lower than the girl gamers is what you're saying.
Yeah, it's true.
who you malign who I don't by the way.
I want to play Animal Crossing, but I can't find one of my Joy-Cons
It would suck it would suck to date one of those female streamers
What female twitch streamer?
Oh, yeah, yeah, because you're just coming into the bedroom and she's on just showing her breast to
she's showing her breasts to all these mouth breathers your enemies
your mortal enemies
They're They're trying to unseat you with every fucking
donation.
Yeah, we're giving her coins or something.
I don't even know how it works.
It would suck to date a woman that publicly sexualizes herself.
Puts all of her shit on display.
Yeah,
I could see how that would be
humiliating.
That would be hard.
Yeah, it would suck to date a dumb bitch.
You know what I found out?
Dennis Quaid.
Listen, we got some competition.
Dennis Quaid has a podcast now.
Oh, my God.
What are we going to do?
Dennis Quaid has a podcast.
I don't know.
It would be better if it was Randy Quaid had a podcast.
I think it's called the Denison.
The Dennison?
That's a cool name.
That's a cool name.
That's what I'm saying, dude.
That's up there with the Chinese, the Chinese country singers.
Yes.
Yeah.
What about?
Go ahead.
What do you got?
No, I mean it.
Go ahead.
Fuck.
If it was like Wayland and then Chinese Jennings.
I like that, actually.
That's good.
That is a good one.
Weylin Chinese.
When you have a good one, you got to put it in the chat.
But it's like W-E-I-L-I-N.
Weylin.
That's much better.
No, Adam, believe in yourself.
Wayland, Chinese Jennings is good.
It's worse than if it was Chinese Whalen Jennings.
It's got to be worse.
Putting Chinese in the middle makes it even worse.
Yeah, so I've been keeping up on who's what our competition is.
Dennis Quaid, the Denaissance is a problem.
And also, listen to this.
Michael Imperioli and Steve Sharipa have a fucking Sopranos podcast.
Two guys from the Sopranos have a Sopranos podcast.
Wow, they must have so much access.
Dude, I haven't listened to it yet, but I'm going to.
Yeah, it sounds great.
I haven't listened to a podcast since the quarantine, but
damn, I wish I had fucking said that Chinese country singer thing because now I'm just going to have those like yeah, I'm still thinking
just bouncing around in my head all day.
Is that what your brain sounds like?
Yeah, boop, boop, bootlegger.
R2D2 kind of
boop boop boop boop boy.
That sounds calming, actually.
Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boo, kind of like
Fuck, I should replay Sonic Adventure 2.
I wonder how much it costs to have a crazy taxi machine delivered to my apartment.
All day, baby.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Ain't nothing wrong with getting a slice of pussy.
No, sir.
Getting a little peep.
Warm it up.
Getting a taste.
A little taste.
Save you hold you over for the whole thing.
Yeah.
Ain't nothing wrong with chopping a bitch's pubic hair off or putting in their pussy, dipping it, and then saving it for later.
Slice.
Great wall, Confucius, Confucius.
Great Wall, Confucius, Merle Haggard.
Okay.
Great Wall.
That's more of what's going on in my head.
Yeah.
Genghis Khan, Great Wall, Merle Haggard.
Tiananmen Square.
Tiananmen Square, Merle Haggard.
Montgomery
Montgomery Jennings.
Trace Adkins.
Hong Kong.
Trace Adkins.
Karate.
Kung Fu.
Shaolin.
Shaolin Jennings.
Shaolin Jennings.
That's really good.
That's really good.
Shaolin Jennings.
There he is.
That's good.
That's very good.
Beijing Jennings works a little bit
better.
I like Shaolin.
Wu Han.
Wu Han.
Lou.
Lou Han.
Lou.
Gotta be Lou Han.
It's gotta be Lou Han.
Reed.
Lu Han.
Lou.
Is it a dream?
Lou.
Graham Parsons.
Bat.
Bat Soup.
Bat.
Keith.
Keith Urban.
Keith Urban.
Keith me.
Oh, fuck.
I don't know that many country guys, man.
It's just funny me completely.
Let's see here.
Chopsticks and Dunn.
Okay.
Okay.
Chopsticks and Dunn.
Brooks and Dunn.
Yeah.
It's
You can do better with Brooks and Dunn, I feel like.
All right, I've got to look up Most Famous Country Musicians because
that's the real problem.
You need to start with the names.
That's what I was saying.
Yeah, but you do that on your own.
You don't say.
Well, I forgot our name.
Oh, what about Willie Nelson?
There's got to be some for Willie.
Chili.
Chili oil Nelson.
No.
Oh, like
chili oil
chili oil
chili chili chili chili chili
uh
dump dumpling
jiao long bow
yeah
dumpling
low main
low main mao
reba mcintire
yeah
Oh, instead of Alan Jackson, you could do Alan Bat Bat Soup.
Okay.
Bat Bat.
I guess.
Um
Shania Twain.
Shania Twain.
Okay, that's something.
If he wasn't China, well,
there's a Muslim
teeth or bamboo.
Yes, thank you.
That's okay.
Instead of Shania Twain, it's bamboo.
China Twin.
Oh, so just write it with China.
Just with China.
Should China twain?
China twain.
That's good.
That would also be an awesome black lady's name is China.
Should China.
I went to school with a couple.
Let's see here.
How about instant Hank Williams?
It's just Ching Williams.
I guess, yeah, I guess it fulfills the prompt
for the
for the assignment
Dwight Gook.
Dwight Gook.
Instead of Luke Combs, it's just Gook Combs.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, no, we got this.
Now we're letting it.
The Dixie Chinks.
Okay.
How about we just take it back to the classics?
Maybe I put a little bit too much chili oil on this one and overnight.
I think probably that's what you did.
Yeah.
The Dixie Chinks is probably that's where that beaks for me.
Yeah, that's probably the best one wordplay-wise.
Yeah.
For what the assignment was.
It's very good.
How about Glenn Campbell Glenn Ross?
That's good.
That's not Chinese.
It's very good.
But he's on tour in China.
Okay.
And he's forgotten how to play guitar, and the only thing he can remember is Alec Baldwin's monologue
from Glenn Gary.
He's just singing the monologue.
Yeah.
How are y'all doing tonight?
Put that coffee down, Faggot.
You just got the guitar.
You think coffee is for closers?
Yeah, he's just got the guitar.
Oh, he's singing this the speech, Glenn.
He's singing.
Glenn Campbell, Glenn Ross.
He's like, Where am I?
China?
No, you don't say.
Oh,
here's one that's more PG.
Kenny chestnut sauce.
That's Kenny Chestnuts.
Kenny water chestnuts.
Yeah, that's Kenny.
Kenny water chestnuts.
Yeah, I thought about that one earlier, but it doesn't fit.
Yeah, that shit don't work, pal.
The Glen Campbell peppers.
They use that.
They don't really use bell peppers in their country.
Yeah, sometimes.
Dude, look at this.
Yeah, in a kung pao chicken, there's bell pepper.
I don't know.
And peanut.
Peanut, yeah, for sure.
But there's also more Thai, I would say.
Damn, there are so many shitty country musicians.
Johnny Cashew Chicken.
What the fuck is this?
The Florida, Georgia line?
Do you know that?
Oh, yeah, dude.
I know them.
This is awful.
They have a song called
Cruise.
It's kind of a
slapper.
Yeah.
If you ask me.
Yeah.
Their songs they cover.
It's about going to men's restrooms.
Really?
No.
Oh, that would be funny.
No.
Some country song about, yeah, that would be awesome.
The Florida, Georgia Line is a very bad name for a music artist.
Well, that's where they are, dude.
They're a North Panhandle, Florida.
Panhandle situation.
Is that the Panhandle?
Florida, Georgia line.
I'm assuming that's the border between those two states.
Oh, fuck.
No, isn't the Panhandle Alabama and Florida?
How about instead of Chris Christophe's vote?
It's boys pissed, boys pissed off or something.
All right, yeah.
Yeah, I like that one.
That one's really good.
That's my favorite.
Yeah.
Boys piss, boys, piss, person.
How about just like one of those rap, rock, country groups called Panda Express?
Yeah.
That one works.
Panda, there was some panda fucked.
How about instead of Dwight Yoakum?
It's Drink Yoakum.
Drink your like Yoakum.
Yo come.
Isn't that the guy from Slingblade?
It is the guy from Slingblade.
Yeah.
He's also in Panic Room.
Oh, I thought that was the character's name.
No, no,
he's a country musician.
Slingblade.
But I thought it was like a nickname.
Well, he plays the dad.
You thought the name of the character in the movie was Dwight Yoakum.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
Because we've talked about it before, and I thought you guys were saying Dwight Yoakum.
No, nickname.
He talks about how he likes Dwight Yoakum's character in Slingbait because he's always getting the band back together.
Just to make this clear, you thought the character Slingblades...
No one calls him Slingblade in the movie.
I've never heard the movie.
I've never seen the movie.
Oh, okay.
So it was just, I just assumed the guy's name was Dwight Yoakum and that Slingblade was his nickname.
Oh, yeah.
No, I don't think they...
Healy Bob Thornton is the name of the name.
Slingblade is not the character's nickname at all, even.
There's not a character named Slingblade in the movie.
Oh.
It's not a guy.
It's not the main guy's not Slingblade.
No.
His name is not Slingblade.
His name is Carl something.
It's like Carl.
Let me look it up.
Oh, what the fuck?
I thought that was like a cool nickname for a murder.
Yeah, Carl Childers is the name of the character, but they repeatedly refer to him as Carl.
His name is Carl.
He doesn't have a nickname.
They don't call him Slingblade.
I've never seen it yet.
I assumed his nickname was Slingblade, and the guy's name was Dwight Yoakum.
You have to admit, Dwight Yoakum is a retarded guy's sounding name.
I think it's a cool sounding name, personally.
Damn, no, I want to re-watch Slingblade.
If you've never seen Slingblade, you should watch it.
I haven't seen it in like 15 years.
It is such a good movie.
We almost watched it.
I think my roommate was like, It's dark.
It is dark.
But
I don't know what year that was that came out, maybe 97, but it was like...
Something like that, yeah.
There was like a couple of years that just like sucked,
you know,
for movies.
And that one was like a highlight.
Billy Bob, right?
Billy Bob getting it in?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That year was Slingblade.
Siri pull-up Slingblade.
Siri pull-up Slingblade.
96.
Nice.
Yeah, I remember that just that era of movies just makes me think about like, do you remember when Hollywood's fucking big cause was ending the death penalty?
Yeah.
That was the thing.
That was like, that was, that that was like, as me as a little kid, I thought celebrities, like, you know, because they've always talked about things, so I thought that they could do stuff, you know.
Right.
I didn't know the difference between somebody who was rich and somebody who was famous and somebody who was the president.
You know what I mean?
It was just like, of course,
yeah.
They're all the presidents.
And, and the biggest issues at the time when I was a kid were the death penalty and then
the Titanic sinking.
That was a huge problem.
Yeah.
That was the big problem in the 90s.
There were two things that based on like award shows, celebrities seem to care about.
And then nothing happened with the death penalty.
They didn't change shit.
I guess the Oklahoma bombing happened, and then they were like, oh, never mind.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Terrorism and mass shootings ticked up.
And they were like, oh, I guess we do want to kill some people.
And then they kind of gave up on it.
But that was.
And then we had Rwanda was bugged for a while because of Hotel Rwanda.
Yeah, but the celebrities don't give a shit about things like that.
They never fucking care.
Oh, as a cause.
What?
Yeah, they don't care.
Every award show, something comes up.
And I feel like Rwanda or just like genocide.
Or what Darfur.
Darfur is like where that kind of started, but that was like a one-off.
Darfur is.
I mean, Bosnia was like a fucking big deal.
And like celebrity, again, literally, James Cameron's whole fucking speech was about like,
can we have a moment of silence silence for the victims of the Titanic?
As like bombs were dropping.
Dude,
that speech is hilarious because he's full-blown autistic.
Yeah.
And at the end of the speech, he's like, and to close things off, and he's like, I'm the king of the world.
And then it bombs.
Bombs in the room.
That's right.
That is so funny.
And that's where you would say, we were kings of the world.
Yeah, we were
Negro DiCaprio.
If that had been
beautiful.
If that had been allowed somewhere,
given the light of day.
Yeah.
Well, no, but we had Black Guy singing in the dead of night.
Oh, yeah.
That classic.
I thought that was pretty good.
Who could forget, man?
I thought it was pretty good.
Fuck.
Black guys shucking on my dick.
I'm gay.
I wish I could sing, dude.
It's probably better better if it was black girl singing because girl sounds like bird, kind of.
It has a same accent or whatever.
No, dude, it was perfect.
Okay.
Don't try.
Don't try and rework perfection, brother.
Thank you.
I appreciate you saying that, dude.
I wish I could sing.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too, dude.
I wish I could sing.
That would be awesome.
I would just be singing all the time.
That wouldn't be me too.
Yeah.
I wouldn't be doing this.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I'd be like, like, let me get it.
I'd be at Subway.
An extra sweet onion, chicken teriyaki sauce.
And put more of the sweet onion sauce on there.
They're like, I'm like, what do you mean?
It's $15.75.
Didn't you hear my song?
I should get it for free.
It should be free if you can sing.
If you can sing, it should be free.
And can I get some pussy, please?
That's what the gig economy is, dude.
After this clears up, and we're all working in the gig economy, if you can bring your talent, if you can trade your talent for that's what I'm saying.
A lot of these, like, you know, some it's like Burning Man.
It's gonna be like Burning Man.
I don't want to say younger comics because most of them are my age or older, but you know, people that are relatively new to the business, 10-15 years in, and
things aren't really working out.
It's like, why don't if you just try bringing your talent to the people directly,
just show up, go to the grocery store, go
into Prédomange and say, you know, you're like, hmm.
So I like fuck like six guys this week,
having a normal one.
And then
get a job at the bottom.
They're like, oh, it's $8.75.
And you're like, no, I'm trading my art.
I'm bartering with my art.
I'm about to observe how guys don't have more than one set of bed sheets.
Yeah.
And it should get me a free baguette.
I should be able to.
Can I eat out of the garbage, please?
May I please just let me eat out of the garbage?
I want to see some of those.
I'm not homeless.
I'm not mentally ill.
I'm hungry.
And I and I got declined for an OnlyFans account.
Please let me eat.
If there's an old acai bowl, I might be able to lick
an acai quinoa bowl that I could perhaps eat out of the garbage.
I would be much obliged to you.
Damn.
Yeah,
maybe I maybe we should become farmers, dude.
Yeah, grow our own grow our own crops.
I mean, that's
that's part of the whole compound dream, man, is you get a big plot of land and you get, I mean, it's a it's a compound, you know?
Yep.
You bring people that have skills, shared resources, nobody owns anything, you know, mandatory
mandatory fucking gun ownership for everybody that lives on the fucking thing.
Yeah, for starters, you will have a firearm and you will know how to use it.
All right,
and disputes are settled by the blade
by the way of the blade.
Damn, I'm pissed they don't call the guy sling blade in the movie, yeah.
But that's you know,
sling blade, you get it, you get you pool your resources, everybody gets a big, big fucking thing, and I'm sure it would fall apart, it would be a disaster, you know, as it's always been, absolutely, as it literally is never working because every system fails because people are terrible, you know.
But
that's the dream.
You see, I didn't think of it as a lot of people being there.
I thought of it as like, you know, you and your family.
No, no, it's no, you got it.
It's a compact.
You gotta, you can make a new family now.
I see.
Based on ideology.
A sex cult.
You could say that.
You're in the middle of it.
You know who is kind of a piece of ass?
Who?
David Koresh.
He was a handsome guy.
Yeah, look it up.
I'm about to.
I'm about to.
I always thought he was ugly, and then I watched that documentary, and I was like, he's kind of charismatic and good-looking.
I was almost about to join the.
Yeah, he's a good-looking guy.
He's not the hottest guy.
There's some pictures where he looks good.
Stop.
You look 10 years younger with the hair growner.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, you actually.
I got to say, it's not a bad look.
It doesn't look bad.
Yeah, well, we're going to let it run, and I'm going to get this bald ponytail, boys.
Yeah.
Stop is kind of right about how he has hair, but he keeps it short.
I gotta fucking.
I'm sorry for saying you were lying.
I gotta shave my head or do something or cut my hair.
Yeah, if you shave your head, you look like a straight-up white man.
Our hairlines look pretty similar.
You gotta start cutting your shape.
Well, I can't.
I mean, I guess I could.
I cut my own hair for years, so I probably still have the skill set, I guess.
Maybe I'll take a stab at it and see if I can do it.
It's too fucking long.
You should give yourself dumb little haircuts.
Yeah.
You should give yourself a bob.
Yeah.
I'm going to go back to the bob, dude.
Thanks.
Pretty soon.
Turf banks.
That would be so awesome.
Look like Twiggy, dude.
She looked like that old British bitch Twiggy.
The big eyes.
The fashion model?
Yeah.
There we go.
That's a good look.
Should we get seen haircuts?
Like a, you know,
kind of like a 70s sort of.
No, it's seen, dude.
No, I like that.
Yeah.
That's a great look with the beard.
How you you doing, brother?
Oh, yeah.
Welcome to the compound.
Welcome to the compound, brother.
Welcome to the compound, brother.
Much love to you.
Here's your mandatory firearm.
Join me on the shooting range.
You're so good to go, bro.
You've got it down.
Yeah.
Adam, you look fucked up.
You don't look good.
You look like shit.
What are you talking about?
You look like Velma from fucking Scooby-Doo right now.
No, dude.
I look like
almost famous.
Then you push the hair back from here.
You look like a lady that works at the bank, too.
I look like I drive the bus.
You look like you should try to get a bunch of people.
Stop playing on that.
Nick looks like I'm on my brain.
Stop playing on that.
Nick looks like I'm on my brain.
Stop playing on that.
What you doing is you playing on that.
Stop playing on that.
It looks like your doo-op group just got fucking taken by you.
Are you playing on it?
Do you play on that at your home?
You play on that at your home?
Well, then, don't play on it here.
Quit playing on that.
God damn, that's a great look.
Don't be playing on that.
Nick, you should grow your nails out and look like that.
Fuck, dude.
That's beautiful.
You look like you're from someone's office.
Stop playing on that.
If I have to come back there, it slice out.
Holy fuck, that's a good-ass look.
You look good, dude.
Thanks, man.
Massive respect for that look.
You look like Mary J.
Blige.
Yeah, that's the bit.
That's good stuff, man.
Yeah.
All right.
Well,
make some lunch here because I am,
folks.
Thanks for listening.
I'm doing an advice show on Twitch.
If you want to tune in on Fridays at 6, Go to twitch.tv slash stopvi baby and
there's a phone.
There's a number you can call and I will solve all your problems as a genius that I am.
But that's pretty much it for me.
Maybe I should get some kind of project going.
You know?
Yeah, dude, I've just, the way I stop,
the way that the only thing that's gotten me from not wanting to kill myself 24-7 is I just plan some activity every day and I just do it and then I go to bed.
Maybe I'll start a YouTube account called Jay Leno's Garage and I'll just go and start touching people's cars and making videos of them on the street and pretend like they're my car.
I like that.
Getting yelled at at the end of every single one of them.
I'm sorry, sir.
You're on my new hidden camera show, Jay Leno's Garage.
Get the fuck off my fucking beamer.
Hey, stop touching my car, man.
Michael, I'm sorry.
All right.
Well,
yeah.
Okay, good night.
Bye, folks.
Bye, folks.
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