Ep. 203 – Werewolves of London

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Okay, I'm recording.

Nice.

And we're recording.

Nick, how many burpees can you do?

What do you mean, how many?

Do you do sets?

No, I mean, I just do you do them like continuously.

Do you do for like five minutes and then rest, and then five minutes or whatever?

You gotta turn your mic down.

Yeah, we can hear.

Hello?

You're way too loud.

Your headphones, bitch.

I think we can hear him.

Can you hear his echo, too?

Or is that coming from you, Nick?

No, it's not coming from me.

I cannot get hard.

Check, check.

Is that quieter?

Today.

Yeah, there's the echo again.

Maybe it is a little bit now.

Yeah, it's gone.

Well, psychic's here.

But it's very faint.

It's not like the other echo shit.

It's like...

Yeah, no, it should be fine, though.

I hear it from somebody's headphones, I think.

No, it should be fine, though.

Noise.

Yeah.

Yeah,

you just keep doing them.

There's no like operation.

You just keep doing them until you're expecting it.

It's like saying, yeah, how many jumping jacks can you do?

I have no fucking idea.

Well, you could do sets of burpees.

You could do like 20, like five sets of 20 or something, right?

Are you about to be a burpees guy, Adam?

I have been for a couple days.

Yeah.

I mean, for a while, I was doing, like, for time, like, 100 burpees.

Damn, I look cute, dude.

The light is nice.

I guess I should announce it publicly so people understand why I'm salty.

How about what?

How about your car keys?

That I lost my car keys, and I never locked my fucking car.

And the one time I locked my car, the car keys are just fucking gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's brutal, brother.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It fucking sucks.

I lose shit like that all the time.

I never lose anything.

I don't lose shit.

So this is why this is like fucking driving me nuts.

Welcome.

It doesn't make any fucking sense, dude.

And I know.

What am I going to do?

Just get fucking angry?

Yeah.

You just get angry.

You're just going to be angry for like a whole day.

And then you're going to be like, dude, I'm just fine.

It doesn't even matter.

Who cares?

Then you're going to get angry.

I'm going to get fucking angry.

Something like losing car keys is literally worse than like a breakup or something.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, because then it's like there's a more visceral annoyance about yeah, right, because it's like, you know, I

like I could be, I can't be like, well, you know, I mean, me and the car keys tried.

Like, I did everything I could to keep those fucking keys, and I'm not going to feel bad about myself because it's just like, it doesn't make any fucking sense.

Yeah, the keys were down, were a down bitch, dude.

Always there for you, and you fucked it up.

Yeah.

You cheated on the cues it doesn't make any sense they're in the bottom of my i still have my wallet i still have every they're in the bottom of my fucking pocket i know it sucks it's horrible

fuck yeah maybe they're down a storm drain dude that's it has to be that because i retraced my steps it has to be that they somehow came out of the bottom of my pocket and went into a fucking storm drain.

And they should have a service where you can hire someone to and you beat them to death.

Yeah, if they don't find them.

If your bare hands to deal with things like this.

I guess that's what being like a cruel slave owner was.

Yeah, essentially.

Yeah, you could raise and beat them to death.

I don't know where my cummerbund is.

It's my best fucking cummerbund.

Jeremiah, where are you going?

Not again.

The $30,000 a piece.

It's just a cumber bond.

It's about the principle.

It's not about the cumberbon.

It's not about...

Look.

I don't want them thinking I can lose stuff and no one dies.

Can you just have some

empathy for me, please?

I'm in a tough place.

Yeah, dude.

You think you could beat a man to death with your bare hands?

Depends what state the man is in.

Okay.

Let's say another, for you, Adam, let's say another stronger man has knocked him woozy.

Uh-huh.

And you've been.

Well, I fight, I fight by Israeli army rules.

Krav Maga, cheating.

Scratches.

Scratches.

Female pokes.

Female style.

Yeah.

Eye pokes, spitting.

Spitting.

Begging.

Begging.

Begging.

Surrendering and then being like, and then punching them in the cock.

Surrendering

life.

Exactly.

Yeah.

No honor.

If you have no honor, then you can beat a man stronger than you.

Just like, mop, mop, mop.

I feel like it would hurt to beat someone to death.

Just your hands.

Yeah.

Let alone feeling their life leaving their body would feel bad for me.

I wonder if I could strangle.

How long does that take?

Like two minutes?

You couldn't strangle.

Nick could do it with his grip strength training.

That's true.

Nick has been training to strangle.

I just want my car keys back.

They're gone, dude.

I just want them back.

Make peace.

Make peace.

I tried that car key.

You didn't leave them in the car keys.

I have no idea.

You need to be like a Prince of Persia to get into a fucking car with that coat hanger.

You look it up online.

WikiHow is just some anime guy that did one shot, gets it.

No way.

If that anime guy was real, not happening.

No, dude.

Fuck that anime guy.

Serbian guy in a track suit.

Maybe he can do it.

Absolutely.

Fuck.

I look up YouTube videos to try.

I tried to fucking break into my apartment's

coin laundry because I wanted to do laundry for free.

Yeah.

And I couldn't.

Couldn't do it.

Really?

Something about me feels like I could do that.

When I was a teenager, I got into

a couple of different vending machines.

Really?

Yeah.

Ooh, that's awesome.

Yeah.

There was one, like, there used to be

Pepsi machines that used to be able to just reach up in and pull.

You just like have to snake your hand around the flap and you can get in the back and pull one out.

And then there was another one I remember

being able to use one of the you know, like the twist things for like uh blinds,

yeah, sure.

Through like an empty bolt hole in the top to just like push fucking, it was with the pigtail ones, like the corkscrew ones, yes, and so you could just you could rake it in there and just push fucking snacks out into the bin.

That's huge.

Where were these, where were these, um, where were these machines?

It's at a grocery store that I worked at, yeah.

At work.

Yeah.

You could have probably easily much more easily stolen snacks from that grocery store.

I mean, why I wouldn't.

That's what I ended up getting fired for is for

stealing, but it's just out of like one of the coolers.

Yeah, dude.

It's hard not to steal from grocery stores now.

Just a little fucking snack one.

And by the way, you should be allowed to steal whatever you want while you're shopping if you're going to shop later.

That's my process.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, you know, like the Whole Foods stealing section.

Yeah, dude.

Absolutely.

It's part of the store.

Yeah.

My favorite thing is the olive, olive, the free olive berry nuts.

I love those olives.

Yeah.

The fucking, I get, first of all, I'm always getting some of those little fucking parmesan.

What are they?

Like Parmesan garlic cashews?

Yeah.

Or garlic salt.

I don't know.

They're fucking.

I'm going for a dried mango slice.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe every time.

Easy money.

Or the hot bar.

Go through, get yourself a little piece of fried fish, have a wing.

How the fuck do you have one wing?

How do you get?

Have a wonton?

How do you get into a fucking car?

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't, there's no way to do it.

I'm looking at a picture now.

It doesn't even make any sense.

Look, here's the interior of the car door.

I wish you could just pay.

Are the tire, is the tire shop around the corner still open?

That's a tire shop, it's not a locksmith.

Yeah, but they know cars.

It's car-related.

Do me a favor.

No.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

As that came out of my mouth, I knew you wouldn't like it.

Do not offer me even the slightest bit of advice.

How about anything related to this issue?

I'll give you sympathy.

That's the most fucking annoying thing.

You lose something, and

people are like, have you tried looking for it?

Have you tried thinking about where it might be?

Yeah, it's just.

Because you retraced your steps.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to fucking kill you.

It's like, did you find it?

Yeah, I found it.

That's why I fucking threw my fucking TV down the stairs.

Yes.

Because I found my keys.

That's why there's 35 holes in the drywall.

That's why my wife is blue.

Maybe you went somewhere and you could ask them if they saw it.

There is never anything good anyone can say, but if they look, I appreciate that.

Yeah.

That's what I want.

Don't say shit to me.

You do the work I am too pissed to do.

Yeah.

You're right.

You got, no.

All you should ever say is, that fucking sucks.

That sucks.

It does really.

That's fucking, yeah.

And then just make, even make a cavalier attempt at looking.

Just look around the room for one second.

Yeah.

I appreciate that so much more than any verbal piece of fucking advice.

Yeah.

And then you go ahead and you retrace your steps and you're like, all right, this is going to do it.

And then you get to the end of the step retracing and you're like, motherfucker, I did the thing.

Yes, dude.

I did.

Now you made me do bullshit for nothing.

Fucking, I had to walk the same thing twice.

Yeah.

For no fucking, no,

no fucking profit.

I didn't even want to go on a fucking walk.

No.

I didn't want to lock my car.

This is what I get for fucking trying to be responsible.

For doing shit you don't want to do, man.

I know.

Never again.

I've learned my lesson.

Don't you ever do anything you want to do?

Don't leave that apartment.

Yeah.

It's too dangerous.

You might lose your keys.

Yeah.

So you're never coming back to New York, huh?

Why do you care?

There's really not a reason to, you know?

I mean, it's

works.

I have to.

I have a dog.

It's wrong of me to.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

I have responsibilities.

A dog.

I have an apartment that I pay rent on.

I have.

You can stop paying rent.

Easy.

Yeah.

Easy, peasy, lemon squeeze.

You stop right now.

I have a...

I have.

Yeah, you know.

Well, I'll go into your house.

I'll take you.

I don't necessarily.

I'm not here because I want.

And then I'll.

Yeah.

You fled.

I didn't.

You fled because you were scared of coronavirus.

Because you thought your life was more valuable than anyone you might get sick on the way out.

I left before the shutdown order.

Days before.

I don't believe that to be the case.

People are keep leaving, though.

People are leaving later and later in the fucking program.

It's fucked up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although.

But I didn't even know.

Like, I felt like I started freaking out.

Like, because I got here and two days later, New York shut down.

And I was like,

I'm just never going to.

I heard you signed a lease on an an apartment in Vegas.

I signed a lease in an apartment in the West Village.

I got a great deal.

In the corners of Gay and

Gay Alley and whatever.

Pussy.

There are streets there.

Christopher and Gay Street.

I believe that's where I'm living at now.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

No, I'll be back, dude.

You're living at the Tropicana Hotel in Las Vegas.

That's not what's going on right now.

Yeah, you are.

You're hitting the fucking.

Are casinos open?

Casinos are closed for

four weeks.

The strip is dark.

Wow.

It's crazy.

I actually want to go down there one night and check it out.

Yeah.

It sounds pretty nuts.

Hell yeah.

Nick, are you studying how to break a lock?

I'm seeing if there's any option available.

You can go ahead and continue your conversation.

It's not.

Dude, I just, I fucking saw.

Speaking of Vegas, I just watched Conair, dude.

I look at something for two seconds and you're legendary.

One of the best movies of all fucking time, dude.

Dude, I think they imploded a casino, The Dunes, and they incorporated that into the movie as like the casino getting destroyed.

That was actually, they were imploding the casino to build a new casino.

Oh, yeah.

Interesting little

Las Vegas.

Las Vegas tidbit.

Yeah.

I got tons of them.

I like the Vegas aspect because it felt like the movie was over.

And that he lands safely, his family's there, and then he's he's like, I'm going to fucking chase Cyrus the virus on a motorcycle.

Yeah, so badass.

Very good.

Poe, what's his name?

Great character.

Who the

Nicholas?

Pepito?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, the main guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's his last name?

Poe what?

I don't know.

Cameron Poe.

Cameron Poe.

Yeah.

Cameron Poe.

He fucking rocks, dude.

What an honorable man.

I really love that Steve Buscemi character.

Great character.

It's yeah, it's interesting how he doesn't kill that child.

He's because he's so scary.

He's a genius.

The first time we see that, it's so scary.

What I love is there's two geniuses in the movie.

There's two genius characters who are two smart the genius criminals.

Yes.

Cyrus the virus.

Cyrus the fucking virus.

I love when John Malkovich is on top of the plane giving that like gay speech to hardened criminals.

He's like, boys,

in the annals of American crime, doth we find

such

rap scallion fellows, you know, and they're like, yeah, that's me.

That's me, dog, a rap scallion.

Yeah, just like Nazis and fucking

military Black Panthers and shit like that.

And then don't forget the one prisoner

from Drama Camp as the head of the

head of the crew.

Who's done it all?

Yeah.

Murder, extortion.

Whatever, dude.

Yeah, why is he so smart?

I don't get it.

I don't know.

But Malkovich rocks, though.

Yeah, I guess.

He's crushing it, is that dumbass character?

Yeah.

Well, he is an actor.

Yeah, I know.

It's awesome when guys get it's not like you can be an actor and you show up to make the movie and you're like God this is gay

that happens all the time you just like look at the camera and be like by the way I know this movie's a piece of shit sucks yeah

Mal what's his face who's the who's the other guy there's a bunch of guys in it but who's

the cop from High Fidelity?

John Cusack.

John Cusack, John Lithgow, Steve Buscemi.

Lithgow's not in it.

John Lithgow is in the movie.

Yes, he is.

He plays

the FBI agent.

John Lithgow's not in this movie.

Who's the other FBI?

There's some guy with a little scrunched-up face who's like, nah, you're gay.

Yeah.

I'm not going to listen to some gay guy.

Yeah, that's the guy from.

He's got a cool car.

No,

he's from fucking Dad 70 show.

The dad from that 70s.

No.

You're conflating.

That's not John Lithgow, but he has John Lithgow vibes.

He's not in this movie either, bro.

Red?

Red is not in a 70s show?

He's not in it.

I haven't seen it.

I literally saw it in the theaters

with my grandmother and my father.

I think it was

eight years old.

Dude, that's a Bruckheimer joint, dude.

That's the first Bruckheimer without, what's his face?

Without your boy Donnie Simpson.

Yeah, Cole Meany is in it, but that's not home.

Cole Meany, that's the guy.

He's the guy that's like, you're gay, John Cusack.

Yeah, but

there's somebody that's in the place of either Lithgau or the dad from

that 70 show who is in RoboCop.

That's what I'm thinking of.

RoboCop.

Red is in RoboCop.

Yes.

And then, but then who is?

There's somebody else that's like

not just Qsack, but then somebody else that's a government guy.

Yeah, I don't know his name, though.

Who cares?

QSAC's wearing sandals.

That's pretty funny.

And I also love that the guy just has diabetes.

There's so many awesome parts.

Nicholas Cage slaps the gay guy.

I told you guys, I told you, right?

When I was in the theaters, the gay guy starts putting on a wig and a dress, and my dad just turns like full voice and says, that's a very sick man.

Yeah, dude.

He's pretty tight.

Yeah.

That's honestly what I'm doing.

I remember, I think my mom went to go see The Bird Cage.

And we were all like, boo.

Yeah.

It turns out that's a great movie, too.

Your dad was crying.

He was like, oh, I want to see this movie.

I love,

I'm glad I'm not watching The Birdcage.

Did you, What age were you allowed to watch Rated R?

I don't think I ever.

I'm still not allowed, dude.

I'm breaking the rules every time I watch Rated R movies.

You're breaking your mother's heart.

My mom doesn't want me.

My mom let me watch The Godfather with her.

But my mom wasn't aware of most things.

But the shit she was aware of, I couldn't watch any of.

I feel like I was allowed to watch Rated R pretty early on, but my eyes got covered up for sex, but never for violence.

Yeah.

Says a lot about society, doesn't it, Adam?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, that's why I think I kind of don't

desire violence because I was desensitized.

But I desire violence.

I don't desire pussy.

Yeah.

Because

anytime you saw a sex scene, your dad's hands were over your eyes.

Exactly.

And I was trying to peek through the fingers.

Yeah.

Do you make a girl hold?

Do you make a girl cover your eyes?

When you feel like you?

Do I, yes.

Well, my eyes are usually incredibly

tightly closed.

Yeah.

And then I say, don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

Don't look at me.

I'm ugly.

Don't look at me.

I'm ugly.

I'm so ugly.

Don't fuck me.

Dude.

I never like to have any thoughts in my head during sex.

I like to just be busting nuts without

even considering what's going on.

That's the point, dude.

Oh, nice.

The pipe.

The pipe.

I got to calm down.

Yeah, you have to chill, brother.

It's a little fucking pipe tobacco.

Nick's just got a chisha.

What flavor you got going on, Nick?

It's not cheesecake, dude.

It's not fucking...

It's not fucking...

No, you get like cherry-flavored pipe tobacco.

No.

Like a hickory, maybe?

Maybe hickory.

Nice, man.

How you feeling?

You feeling good?

You look like a fucking sea captain, brother.

Yeah, you really do right now.

Well, it takes like, you know, know, you smoke the whole pipe, it takes like 15 minutes.

You're jealous.

And then you kind of get like a body high.

I'm about to go buy some black and malls.

I'm trying to go buy some black and malls to calm down.

Yeah, it's not like smoked weed.

It's not like cigarettes.

But

yeah, I don't know what the flavor is.

I just go to the

I have bought three bags of tobacco in my life, and it takes like four years to smoke each one.

Yeah, I'm thinking when I get back to New York, we get into hookah, All of us.

What do you mean?

Like for a visit?

No, not for a visit.

When I go home, I guess you can come visit.

It's our home, though.

Your home, man.

Your home.

This isn't where I live.

I have my couches.

You can have my couch if you want, bro.

Whenever you want, man.

And yeah, there's plenty of hookah places in Astoria.

We'll go out for hookah on your visit if that's what you want to do.

We'll say, yeah, you know that guy Adam who like does our podcast who lives in Vegas?

He's coming to visit, I guess.

No.

He wants to see what happens.

Yeah, we'll have a big party.

People will be excited to see you.

They'll be like, wow, we never thought you were.

I mean, we knew you were a coward, but to flee the city

about you.

And then we'll all have drinks.

It'll be fun, dude.

All right.

We'll have that party, but it'll be a lie because I'll be home again.

No, it won't be.

Dude, I was thinking about it.

I was like,

okay, stand-ups canceled.

Then I'm like, who cares, dude?

Fuck this.

When the world opens up again, dude, I'm just, we'll podcast like this.

I'll go to the gym.

Yeah.

I'll fall asleep early.

Who needs to be out late at night doing?

I've been getting up at like 7:30.

I'm going to turn my whole life around by quitting comedy, dude.

I know.

Honestly, I don't think spots really matter.

You do.

Like, I'm telling you, you may think that I got the wrong system, but one string of shows a year, yeah.

Be like, yeah, I can still stand on stage for an hour.

Yeah, fuck it.

Yeah, it'd be fun.

I'm not good at this.

I don't know who gives you a story.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who fucking cares?

It'll be, yeah, fuck it.

Let's turn into, let's turn into guys that just make essentially.

It'll be like when wrestlers do stand-up.

We'll be like Mick Foley, dude.

Just telling you guys.

Personalities.

Yeah.

I remember the first time.

You know, I remember the first time Nick did gay Indian Guy.

Yeah.

One, one.

Oh, yeah.

We'll tell stories.

Yeah.

Tell wild and wacky stories.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, the Jewish guy, the Australian retard was my idea.

We knew

we had some gold there.

We knew we were changing history

and then just do 25 minutes of requests.

Did you say Australian Retard was your idea?

No, like I would lie in my storytelling set.

It was not my idea.

Wow, well, that was a sneaky way to just kind of think about it.

Everyone knows it was Stop's idea.

Yeah, I don't even remember us doing that, honestly.

Yeah, me either.

I have no idea.

That was like the same thing.

I think it was episode three.

Yeah.

Or two.

Damn.

Yeah, I thought

Australian retard was from Race Wars.

Who knows?

I thought it was on Kurt Mensker's podcast, but I don't know.

You know, we should be in Australia with Keys.

I can't remember who's in Conair.

We would be in Australia right now.

I was thinking that the other day.

We'd be in Australia for Greek Easter.

We'd be in

Lamb.

We'd be in Sydney, actually.

L R Lamb.

Before the show.

Getting some fucking, getting some head from some fucking

some koalas.

Damn, I really want to go back to that Greek restaurant in Brisbane.

But that'll never

be.

You mean Melbourne?

Yeah, wherever we were.

In Melbourne, yeah.

Where the cheese was on fire?

We can get fucking Saganaki anywhere, dude.

That's a fire cheese.

Fire cheese is Saganaki.

What is it called?

Saganaki.

It's called Fire Cheese.

No, that's what you said it on fire.

Oh, you said it's Sagani.

It's called Saganaki.

Damn, I love that.

The food where they're like, yeah, we fucked up.

You can have it while it's still being fucked up.

I was like, ooh, every time I see it, I'm scared.

Every single time, I'm like, this just could go bad.

I love the idea of being like an alcoholic, where you have to drink those cocktails instead of gets set on fire.

So you're at home, like, just setting drinks on fire.

Just wasting it.

It's just constantly fine.

Drinking the flaming moan, drinking, yeah, drinking flames.

Yeah, dude.

That's a classic episode.

I haven't seen Flaming Mo in forever.

Great app.

Is that shit on Disney Plus?

Is that true?

What?

The Flaming Mo episode of The Simpsons?

The Simpsons?

Specifically, that episode is on Disney Simpsons.

They just have one.

Yeah.

Disney Plus, they don't show tits.

They don't show ass or anything, huh?

What the fuck does the plus stand for?

Yeah, exactly.

Disney minus.

I'm trying to watch Mickey get his dick sucked by Mini, dude.

Yeah.

Ho-ho.

Put my cock in your pull my cock in your ass hole yeah that kind of stuff

pluto's just got huge cans

yes there's the plus should be dvi a deviant art section disney plus should just be deviant art yeah

goofy is definitely packing yeah and his balls hang low like his ears yeah droopy ass balls

Droopy got speaking of Droopy Droopy who's not who's a I think a Looney Tune I believe he got pussy.

Oh, yeah.

I think I remember that as a child.

There was the one joke he just had a hot ass wife.

Droopy dog skates pussy.

Dude, for real, look that up.

I think Droopy had a hot wife or something.

I remember looking at it.

I remember, I specifically remember that cartoon and being like, hell yeah, Droopy, nice, dude.

Like, being six or seven years old.

Yeah, just like the Roger Rabbit experience as well.

Exactly.

I just didn't understand why I wanted to be him so bad.

You wanted to be like, I didn't understand Rabbit?

Yeah, because his wife was the hottest woman of all.

You didn't want to fuck Jessica Rabbit.

Come on.

Come on.

Of course I did.

You wanted to fuck

what character from the movie did he want to fuck?

The main, the bad guy, but instead of his eyes bulging out, it would be his dick.

Okay.

That's one.

I don't remember the movie, honestly, that well.

Yeah, me.

I probably watched it three times in the last six months, and I don't remember.

Really?

Yeah.

They go to Toontown.

Adam wanted to be the mom of the baby who's getting her ass slapped by the baby all the time.

Yeah.

Yes.

He did.

You did.

No, I didn't.

That's not true.

We figured it out.

You're right.

You just wanted that baby to slap you on the ass.

Yeah, we figured it out.

I wanted that New York baby to abuse me.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's...

That's the character you wanted to be.

You wanted to be a sub for a baby.

Yeah, we got to the bottom of that one.

I can't wait till that's my real life when I have my firstborn child.

Just get abused by an infant.

Just being abused by an infant.

Who are you going to have a child with?

Um, probably the next person I have sex with.

Yeah, really,

yeah, why not?

I mean, if this quarantine's taught me anything, you probably will have kids pretty soon, huh, Adam?

When you yeah, then I can't be, then I'll never be alone because you can't smash there.

I cannot smash here, and you're never coming back here.

I've been going, stop it with that, okay?

I've been going to brace you for reality.

I've been trying to, I've been trying to go no no fap, though.

You know, you're not coming back here, right?

Stop.

Nick, I, you know, what's going on.

I have to be here for a period.

Yeah, but I mean, it's just, I mean, come on,

there's reasons, but you're still never coming back.

No one's saying there's not reasons.

You're going to get comfortable, dude.

You're going to get a job at fucking in the video section.

You're going to get a job at Suncoast Video.

Yes.

And you're going to get really into, you know,

fucking DVDs.

Making recommendations.

Recommendations, DVD.

They would have to listen to me.

Have you seen The Tombstone by Jean-Marc Boulogne Deco?

Some bullshit.

Imagine working at Suncoast Video in like 1996.

Yeah.

You're like, wow.

Life could not possibly be worse.

It's 1996.

I'm at Suncoast Video.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Little do those motherfuckers know.

That place was.

I used to love it.

I used to love it, though.

Because I would go in

and I would feel like, damn, this is like a, this is where cine files go.

Yeah, but I mean,

weren't most of them like that weird, like, black subway tile and red neon, which is a very, like,

BDSM club kind of, like, there'd be some.

Yeah, 80s, early 90s.

Because the neon to me denoted class.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Something about it.

I was like, wow.

No, it just motherfuckers.

It felt like sick and degenerate to me.

Nah.

And I was just

only because of the black Subway tile and the neon.

I don't remember the black subway tile.

I remember the neon, and the neon definitely drew, like, to me, it felt compared to like an FYE,

it was much classier.

Yeah, FYE, I thought, was cool because it was like, you know, damn, I'll never know anything about music or have interest.

Yeah.

No, if you look at a Suncoast video, it's all just, it's all black.

I don't know.

Maybe the ceilings are like, there's some kind of like grid thing going on, but it might not be Subway tile.

I just, I just remember being like, damn, dude, I've never heard of these fucking movies.

This is fucking awesome.

Yeah.

And it would be like box sets of shit and like

Jim Carrey movies and shit.

And I was like,

the Jim Carrey box set.

Well, there would be stuff I hadn't heard of, but that was obvious.

It's like a fucking, it's a little toy rhinoceros, and you have to pull the movies out of its ass.

That would be awesome.

It takes 40 minutes to get the DVD.

DVDs.

Just breaking all the DVDs, pulling them out of a rhinoceros ass.

You're like, yeah, it's the collector's edition.

Yep.

Yeah, I got a $300 copy of Ace Ventura 2.

Mm-hmm.

It doesn't work, but you get to pull it out of a rhino's ass.

It comes in a special box.

And then you have to put the rhino in your ass.

Yeah, they were really waiting for Blu-ray to come along when they started doing that.

When DVDs got to that point where they're like,

now they come in Homer's head.

Yes.

You know know what, though?

That worked for me, dude.

I was like, fuck you.

Great.

So it doesn't fit on the shelf.

Oh, no, it sucks.

It's a display item.

You have to keep it on the shelf.

It's not meant to be played.

Yeah.

Yep.

Damn.

Like, buy, like going to F or going to a fucking Suncoast video and seeing like season three of Friends, the box set, just one season and being like, hell yeah.

It would have been nice to get a job at FYE.

And then like day one, just, you know, they put you down the register and the phone rings.

And you're like, I'll get it.

And you're like, fuck you, entertainment.

This is Eric speaking.

And they're like, what are you doing?

You're like, I thought that's what it stood for.

It's fuck you entertainment.

You probably get away with it once.

Yeah.

And then just like thinking you're an idiot.

Yeah, I don't think anyone smart ever worked there, right?

Yeah.

Fuck you entertainment.

This is just

and they're like, oh, I'm sorry.

I just thought I should use the formal full name.

I thought that was the name of the place.

To be honest with you, that's where I got a job here is because I thought it was more of a fuck you style of entertainment.

Yeah,

you know, you got Metallica here, you got fucking Creed,

oh, yeah, Puddle of Mud.

It's more of a fuck you style, it's a fuck you style.

Oh, yeah, you know, I go to the mall, but I, the stores I go to are more the fuck you style of retail, you know, Suncoast Video, Hot Topic,

Pac Sun, FYE, you know, I'm not going to like Abercrombie and Fitch.

I'm going to all the like just badass stores.

Just the middle finger stores.

Just some of the, yeah, the fuck you pay me sort of thing.

Uh-huh.

Like the place.

I want there to be posters of fucking girls with big tits playing.

Girls with big tits, the place that sells swords and clocks.

I'm trying to.

Oh, you would consider that a fuck you style.

Yeah, I would.

But some of the dark arts fuck you style.

It's like I need to see a guy sell pens next to a thousand dollar chess set

go in there

now what about um a game stop is that a fuck you style no no wait do you still go game stop is the nexus it's where everybody in the mall goes to game stop yeah we're all going it's neutral territory one way or the other

do you remember that where malls used to have like a game stop but then they also had a babbage's or they had like two competing video game stores what's bad i don't remember that at all there was babbage's there was eb games there was Land, there was GameStop.

Eventually, GameStop just bought all of them.

Yeah, there was like three GameStops.

I remember EB.

And there was no difference between them.

The sun never sets on fucking GameStop's Empire.

On the British Empire.

GameStop's going to fucking go out of business because of this thing, which is great.

You think?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, I guess.

It's a real shame, dude.

Yeah.

Well,

where Fat Guys with Ponytail is going to work now.

What a dog shit combo.

I mean, you should be buying games at Best Buy anyways.

How come?

Because it's a bigger store.

You always go to the cooler.

You always go bigger.

Yeah, dude.

Fucking GameStop is for children, dude.

I go to Best Buy where there's a chance I could be buying an oven.

I see.

Yeah,

I don't know if I'm maybe I'm in here for baby shit or maybe

I'm buying my bitch wife something to make me dinner on while she sucks my dick

now am I Well, of course, yes, I will be buying a Nintendo Switch controller.

What?

Yes.

Can I, excuse me, do you have the collectible Kirby Switch carrying case?

Also, I need an oven for my bitch wife.

It's for my bitch wife to fucking make sure you can suck me off while I'm

storing, unstoring my Nintendo Switch,

the Kirby collectible pouch.

So she knows who's bought.

The sales rep has walked away 10 minutes ago.

And she's sucking me off.

Yeah.

She's sucking my coffee.

Yeah.

I'm like, sir,

please leave the Magnolia section.

What the fuck is that?

Oh, welcome to the Magnolia.

They have a couch, dude.

Yeah.

They're like,

this is what your life would be like if you were a millionaire.

Yeah.

They have

a special corner of Best Buy for people who think they're rich.

I like to shop and chillax in luxury.

Yeah.

They should let you.

Is it just the speakers?

They should let you smoke cigars over there.

I guess it was supposed to be like Magnolia was a company that Best Buy bought where they like did, you know, before it was.

It was a home theater company.

Yeah, before they did like, it was called Man Caves.

You would like have all your shit set up by like a guy that's like, you know, you need the TV, but also the speakers.

Of course.

I remember.

Dude, someone getting speakers attached to their TV, that literally didn't mean they were rich to me.

Yeah.

That was like, oh my God, you fucking have your fucking TV plugs into some speakers.

God damn.

When I got an apartment for myself when I was like 20, 21, the first thing I did was put some fucking bookshelf speakers next to the TV.

Hell yeah, dude.

On the floor, those speakers are awesome.

I had a couch that I found like in the garbage.

And I put some, yeah,

I put some speakers next to that TV.

Big respect for that move, dude.

Time for some serious gaming.

And the dream was always to have like, you know, a couple behind.

Surround.

Yeah, surround.

Instead of just front surround or whatever.

Well, you're living the dream right now.

Oh, yeah, dude.

I guess you could say I'm living the dream.

You got what, 7.1?

Yeah.

It's so funny how, like, wow, my dick, point Adam's dick?

How little

the goalpost shifted in the last decade.

On sound equipment?

On everything in my life.

When I was 20, I'm like, man, I just want to

fuck off and joke around with my friends but then also play video games

and i remember being like i know 22 i'm like maybe i should read or do something ever and then yeah i guess i did for a couple years and then no it's right back to like no i oh i never had that i guess i should read i guess you didn't go to college that's the thing i was like i should i should uh

i should i had it right the first time yeah absolutely absolutely did you try did you have like a i'm i want to be an intellectual face?

No.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Stav said you didn't go to college.

Did you do that in college?

I want to be an intellectual.

He said he should read.

I need to read.

Yeah.

He said he should.

Let me parse what Nick was saying.

He should stop getting drunk at 10 a.m.

and playing video games.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what Nick was saying.

I was just asking if you did the opposite at a certain point.

No, I was saying, I was confused as to why he had that impulse, and I realized it's because he dropped out of school at like 16.

Yeah, so probably after doing that for eight years in a row, he was like, Oh, maybe I should read him something.

The reading I did was I read like all of Raymond Chandler.

That's cool.

It wasn't like becoming an intellectual, that's pulpy, huh?

I don't know.

That's

detective stuff.

That was, I have fond memories of reading.

Raymond Chandler, yeah.

What did he write stuff about?

It's like, it's like, go ahead.

Everybody loves Raymond and Chandler.

Wrote a book together.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Oh, why don't we make a book?

I'm already writing a book.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Wow, yeah.

That sounds exactly like both of them.

Not only

perfect, but seamless.

Yeah.

Why don't we write a book?

I'm already writing a book.

It was just your voice.

You're just doing me watching?

You just, you just.

Oh, you.

You barely changed.

Could I be writing a book anymore?

Fuck.

Yeah.

God damn.

I was cold, so I closed my window, but now I'm too hot.

Damn.

I just remember.

What's the weather like?

I just remembered those fucking keys.

No, don't.

It's okay.

Think about it, man.

I'll just go back to thinking about Best Buy.

I've been playing Doom Eternal.

Is it good?

I love it.

How are the metal riffs?

It's fine.

It's fine.

Apparently, the last Doom was much better.

I guess I looked at reviews for Doom Eternal, and it's all people who played the last Doom, and they were like, I can't believe they fucking fucked it up like this.

It's not as good as the last one.

Yeah.

All I've heard is rave reviews.

Yeah.

But maybe it's because everyone's at home and they have nothing better to do.

I really don't understand how the gaming community continues to be so pissed while they spend their entire lives focusing on something that like completely removes any ability.

Like, you don't have any, you do a thing that is completely inconsequential.

Yeah, yes, of course.

That's why.

What do you mean?

It's like the most relaxing thing in the world is just sit and waste years of your life playing video games.

No, because on some level, they recognize that they're doing that, it is a waste.

Yeah.

On some level, they're getting no pussy.

They're probably not mad as part of their job.

Yeah.

So all they have is Doom being awesome.

Yeah.

If it doesn't feel awesome to fucking slice an axe through some fucking demon's head,

what's he gonna do?

Talk to us, get put, you know, suck a titty?

No.

Yeah.

Feel rewarded for doing well at his job?

No.

Never.

Never.

He's skating by.

I just remembered.

I gotta check to see.

I forgot this was like a regular one.

No, this is uh isn't today Sunday?

What's today?

Wednesday.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Yeah.

Damn.

It's wing night, Sam.

It's It's wing night.

You're right.

It's your wing night.

I forgot.

The only day that matters.

Holy shit.

Come on, brother.

I literally thought today was fucking Sunday.

God damn.

Come on, buddy.

It's wing night.

I guess it is wing night.

But I had a rich dinner last night.

There was a pork shoulder on sale, so I had to make one for the boys.

And Pete made macaroni and cheese.

I don't think I can have wings tonight.

What are you going to have?

Salad?

Maybe some rice and beans, something light.

You know?

I just had a smoothie.

Salud.

I salud.

Got a green smoothie in here?

So I guess the answer is yes, it is a regular episode, Nick.

Yeah, well, there's no reeds.

We're good.

Oh, okay.

I check.

My dick is small.

I am gay.

I love having no fucking reeds.

Yeah.

Fuck you, companies.

Guess what?

Suck our dicks.

I can't believe.

You know what, man?

This sucks.

I was in a good mood this morning, too.

Like, ready to go.

That's when it always happens.

I was ready to riff.

And then fucking...

And it's

for trying to be responsible and lock the fucking car.

Well, even if you hadn't locked your car, wouldn't you?

No, because I never take...

I leave the keys inside all the time.

I leave the keys in the car.

No, I leave the keys inside my apartment.

My car keys are separate from my house keys.

Oh,

okay.

I see.

I see.

Yeah.

Damn.

I went out there to lock the car.

And then I went for a walk.

And then I got home.

Brutal.

They're gone.

Car's still there.

No one fucking chased you?

No.

Nobody's fucking...

The wheels are off the car.

It's sitting up on fucking jack stands.

Oh, that's why you don't lock it.

All right, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, instead of locking it, I take the wheels off the car and bring those inside.

It's smarter, it's smart.

It's smart.

You're not going to lose the tires.

You're not going to, exactly.

Show me somebody that's ever lost and misplaced the tires to their car.

They're too big to fucking lose.

Too big to fail.

You know,

that's a common saying about my penis.

They call that the genius mentality.

Too big to fail.

Chapter two of my book.

Leave the keys, take the wheels.

Yep.

Now, you may think, may be thinking, what is this, an idiom?

No, it's a literal.

This is.

It's literally what I suggest you do with your car every time.

I suggest you park your car, you take the wheels off.

Got one of those

wrenches?

Yeah, they can't boot you.

I said, take the windshield wipers off and no tickets.

No tickets.

No tickets.

Smart process.

Where are you going to put that ticket?

I'll tell you where, officer, write up your fucking asshole, you piece of shit.

Yeah, why don't you mail it back to your family in Bangladesh?

Let them see.

Get some stamps out of your big-ass cargo pockets and fucking mail it back to your family.

They do have a lot of Bangladeshi meter maids.

Meter maids aren't cops, right?

They are.

And what, dude, none of the meter maids.

They have an NY in Astoria on their clothes.

None of the meter maids could do any other kind of cop work.

They're all puny bitches.

Put them in vice.

They're going to make every meter maid up that I've ever seen in Astoria.

Yeah.

Well, what's the other cop work?

Shooting people?

Shooting people.

It's pretty rude to make the name meter maid when you could be a guy that does it you know it's pretty emasculating do you want to be to make the name of the job a meter maid do you want to be the meter maid on the show adam

well no i don't want to be a maid it's a girl thing

oh i thought you were saying you wanted you it's not fair that you don't get to no i was saying that it's emasculating you're you're you're jealous that you're jealous that you're not a maid that you don't can't be referred to as a maid yeah i want to be a maid with big old milky tits you can be the podcast maid darth mater right and he said oh big tits big tits he's wearing a little apron drippy milky titties i am your mother he's like no

yeah you have a dick and he's like you have a dick darth gender

darth gender

all right how would that god lady

yeah

darth gender darth gender that's coming that's the next one You think so?

The next Star Wars?

Is that LA Times article that's like, they were the future of Hollywood, but now Corona has put their careers on hold.

And it's like this human interest piece on like the people that were supposed to be millionaires, you know, but now they can't seen that.

Yeah, now they can't make the Indian sketch comedy show that they were supposed to make.

Also, who gives a fuck about any entertainment industry personnel?

Right now, dude.

And that's the thing.

It's like, it just like highlights how.

Nurses are dying.

Those are essential.

Those are essential workers.

Well, there's other shit that was like as pressing.

You know, I mean, there was like the opioid crisis or unemployment.

I mean, there's like plenty of things that, yeah, that, and it's like this kind of highlights that mentality and the absurdity of it, even in regular.

Yeah, I cannot believe somebody wrote that fucking piece.

Yeah.

And imagine agreeing to be like interviewed for that.

Right.

Exactly.

Like, yeah, oh, yeah, no, you're right.

To be

that much of like a tone-deaf narcissist to think that like people are really upset that we're not having like,

you know,

our fucking like a show that nobody's gonna watch.

You've already been here's the other thing, too.

It's like they were supposed to, this was supposed to be, and then they described the show, and it's like, you could just do that, you could just get on Instagram and do that.

It's like, I'm sorry that the infrastructure there isn't there anymore to hand you a fucking career.

You can just build your own audience, like everyone else, the people that are doing ironically, the people who the industry has labeled pieces of shit and doesn't want to work with had to already do this on their own during the era of cancellations.

So maybe you could figure it out now.

You get a fucking podcast, bitch.

Now's the time for it, too.

I mean, it's like people will listen.

I'm sure you can find an audience.

I don't know, though, bro.

I hear that podcast listens are down because people only want to listen to it.

People do it at work when they don't want to do such shit.

Yeah.

I don't fucking want.

The only time I've listened to a podcast is when I'm that's true.

That's true.

The second I stopped like having a day job, I'd never listened to.

I have not listened to a single podcast in quarantine.

Yeah.

I mean, I listen to fucking when I'm cooking, I'll listen to a sports podcast.

The only reason this ever happened is because I got into listening to the smoking tire when I was like working those truck jobs.

And I would just listen

all day long.

I would just listen to podcasts.

I'm like, this seems fun.

Maybe I should have a podcast.

Yeah.

And then it became my income.

And it's like, of course, I wouldn't listen to a podcast.

That's insane.

That's crazy.

It's insanity.

Yeah, there's so much doper shit out there.

Like Con Air.

Con Air, bro.

And what the fuck was Lithgow in?

You know what?

I got to look at what Lithgow was in and see what I'm confusing it for.

I think he definitely played a villain in something cool like this.

No, he's not a villain in the movie that I'm thinking of.

You sure?

Yeah, he's just some fucking government weeb.

All right, let's see.

What else has he done?

Harry and the Hendersons, Third Rock from the Sun.

He was the bad guy in Blowout.

Shrek.

Shrek.

Yeah.

What's Blowout?

It's a movie with John Travolta.

Not familiar.

Brian.

By the way, I love having hair again, dude.

Yeah,

I think it suits you.

I'm not saying that ironically.

I can't wait.

I'm just going to grow my shit out, dude.

It feels nice to just have that shit out.

Actually, and it looks kind of nice with the mustache.

It's kind of vintage.

Yeah, dude.

I'm a vintage motherfucker.

Yeah, vintage Stavros.

Vintage ass stop roast.

Old-fashioned, dude.

He's turning into old, old, old Hollywood back when they were all conservatives.

That's right.

I'm a Republican, and I don't care that I look like absolute dog shit.

Yeah,

glazed and bread-pilled.

Stop.

I am bread-pilled.

Stop's mentality.

I'm going to to start baking breads and shit.

Yeah.

I've got to stand on it.

You're going to get a sourdough starter?

One time.

You should make some.

I want to make a cake.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I've been wanting cake, bro.

That's easy.

I've been eating on a cake for like five days.

Fairly easy to make a cake.

I don't have any of the ingredients, though.

It's hard to get flour right now.

There's a flour.

Maybe it's Cliffhanger is what I'm thinking of.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Yeah.

The Stallone, the Stallone,

that's the Stallone movie, right, where he climbs shit.

Yes, it's the Salone movie.

It's like, I gotta climb up this

hill.

My favorite, my very Salone movie.

You get to the top of the hill,

you go right back down the hill.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah, he wins that.

My favorite is the movie where he's a fucking over the top.

Yeah, the armor driver.

Yeah, you gotta go over the top,

There's a top.

You go over it.

Well, you go over the top,

well, you come right back down.

What about Cobra?

Have you ever seen Cobra?

Yeah, it's a Cobra.

It seems like a cop.

The cop has to go over where the bad guys are, and then you just you take them down

until you take the bad guys down

you take them up or you take them right back you take the bad guys up and then you take them down

shouts out to Cobretti what a good name yeah I wish if I was Italian I would change my name to Cobretti for sure detective snake cabretti

yeah you know what his nickname is uh is it cobra no

Geez, I didn't even think of that.

No, we call him Big Johnny.

Yeah, we called him Big John.

Cobra's good, though.

That's smart.

You're going to do well here on the new Hell Police Department.

Welcome to Hell America.

We named the city Hell Town.

Maybe we wouldn't have so much crime if we changed the name of the city from Hell Town to

from Neo

Hell

to something like, I don't know,

Pleasant Place,

Pleasantville, Pleasant City, No Rapes, America,

No Rape America would be a cool name.

Time to die, pig.

That movie sucks.

Which one?

Cobra?

No, Cobra rules, dude.

He's awesome.

He's just, it's the most fucking.

He wrote it, right?

Cobra is the most Blue Lives Matter ass fantasy I've ever seen in my life, dude.

Yeah.

Cobra's just murdering people and shit.

No one gives a fuck.

What's a lot better than that is Stone Cold.

I used to pair the two.

I would watch Cobra and Stone Cold.

Nice little double feature.

Yeah, and Stone Cold's way more fun.

Wait, Stone Cold, is that Stallone as well?

No, it's Brian Bosworth.

Oh, hell yeah.

The Boss.

That guy rocks.

Yeah, and like Lance Henriksen is the biggest guy.

He's a shitty NFL player.

Lance Henriksen's a bad guy, and they have this weird sexual tension the whole time.

I think at one point he's like, even like, he's like, I want to watch you fuck my wife.

Wait, is that Daniels from The Wire?

Who's Daniels?

Who's Lance Hendrickson?

No, you're thinking of Lance Reddick.

Oh, that's Lanceworth.

That would be hot.

Bosworth and Lance Reddick fucking would be nice, dude.

Little fucking

ebony and ivory.

Lance Henriksen is um you know him he's in a bunch of shit he's bishop an alien

yes

probably his most iconic role yeah yeah that's the one

the only one that comes to mind but he's in a bunch of shit you know who he is he was wasn't he on that show Sentinel you remember Sentinel no not Sentinel Millennium

Didn't see that one either, brother.

Where he was like a cop that was psychic.

And he could see the way people do murders remember that was a thing for a while like there's all this dumb shit clairvoyant people forget that fact-checking didn't exist until like 2003 so there'd just be tv shows where like the fbi's top psychics and you were like yeah of course the fbi they got psychics that work there and you know jamie lee uh what's your face no

not curtis

People are saying that they can't get the link on Patreon right now.

Jamie P.

Turtis.

Yeah, Jamie P.

Turtis.

She had big fat.

Instead of titch, she had just fat turtles coming out of her chest.

Jamie P.

Turtis.

Yeah, there aren't that many people in the thing, but yeah, I got.

I'm getting messages that people can't get in.

That it's not on Patreon.

But there are people in here, so whatever.

It'll go off there.

Yeah,

I'm looking at the

thing now, and it's just not saving.

And I don't know why.

The the video?

Yeah, well, um Patreon got stuck like

fuck.

Yeah, it just got stuck like save like saving.

Oh.

That's weird.

Yeah.

Well

that's gay.

Here you go.

That's pretty gay.

No, no, this should work.

No, just delete it and remake it.

There we go.

Okay, now it works.

Nice.

Well, good thing we didn't really say anything funny up until this point.

Yeah.

We had, you know, there's a lot of really good riffs.

There's the one about

Chandler and Raymond that I did, of course.

Famously.

I thought that was a dunk.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

Oh,

I just want to have sex with the girl.

We should probably do some extra time then.

I did Legion of Skanks the other night.

It's crazy that it's just a two-hour show.

Just keep going.

I had fun doing Matt and Shane, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those guys are good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Two-hour show, I guess it's just like, fuck it, we're just going to go, just fill up the time.

I respect that.

It's kind of what we do, but for an hour.

Yeah.

Kind of our ethos, but half as much time.

You want to see if we can hit two hours?

Not particularly.

No?

You don't want, you got stuff you got to do?

I have to piss.

You can go piss.

I'll go piss.

If I get a snack, I can do it.

Oh, you could do it.

You could carry the show for another hour.

Yeah, why not?

Do it, do some Jewish-style comedy.

Go ahead.

What do you got?

Damn, how do I fucking get into it?

Well, I guess because it's published now.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, I see the number going up.

Patreon got stuck, saving the link.

And

I just clicked through to the live stream instead of checking to make sure that Patreon worked.

But

if you're just joining us now,

my car keys are gone and I'm furious.

Nick has been pissed for the last 40 minutes, 45 minutes,

and livid.

And here are the key details.

I never locked my car.

Today I locked my car to be responsible and then proceeded to immediately lose my keys on a mile-long walk.

Yep, that's tough.

Now I'm thinking about it again.

I'd calm down.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

You're hot, dude.

Why don't we find the guy with the exact same car as you, rob him, take those keys?

Because that's not how keys work.

Oh, you know how keys work, Adam?

Yes, they do.

Well, yeah,

the key only works with one car.

What do we got?

Mr.

Key Genius?

I don't think that the same model of car.

Oh, what do we got?

The genius of keys.

Yep.

Yeah, they call me the master of keys.

Yeah.

If you

find the exact same year-making model of a car,

probably going to work.

Especially an old car.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean that.

Yeah.

Old cars, I think, did work that way.

No, I mean, maybe there's a way

through the wiring harness to

trip the relay for the door unlock for the central locking.

If I just attach it directly to the battery, maybe, but I don't fucking

have a lot of stuff.

People steal cars all the time, bro.

Well,

I don't know.

I mean, the way the doors are set up, there's no way into the lock mechanism from that side of the window goes down.

You just can't, you can't get a coat hanger in there.

So I don't know.

I really have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do.

If anybody knows how to steal cars.

If anybody knows how to steal cars.

This is also too a thing.

I've never once practiced, and it requires like some kind of finesse that I'm not going to develop.

I'm going to end up just destroying the fucking door and punching holes in it and shatter.

Yeah.

I'm not going to.

What if you sawed a fucking metal ass box

around the lock, got in that way?

What if I took a sawzall and cut a hole through the door?

Yeah.

And then just taped it over.

Great suggestion and then what if i what if i just completely destroyed the car

it could be a little hole and then you

i don't know don't locksmiths do something where they like

jam the door open or some shit they have like you could put what i could do is i could get a bike i have an inner tube for a bike And I could wedge that into the door frame and then pump that shit up, just fold it up a bunch on itself, pump that up, maybe get some space in there drop like a um like a either like a shoelace or a piece of string with a slip knot on it and then pop the door lock that way there we go slipknot but i already you know cool i made a slim gym out of a ruler that i cut with aviation snips couldn't get it that way couldn't get it with the fucking coat hanger

so yeah it's got to be bike pump time dude i try that but i mean it's all just guessing as to like what may work i mean doesn't it feel good, though, to be a criminal?

No, it would feel better just have my fucking car keys back.

Yeah, it does.

That sucks.

Yeah, it's pretty gay to lose your keys, mate.

What's the worst thing you've ever lost, Adam?

My dignity.

That's true.

That is true.

You can retrace your steps never coming back.

Never coming back.

Did you retrace your steps?

I tried.

very few men could walk a walk a mile in in these in these uh in these loubotons penny loafers yeah

which you keep

you keep the pennies in your pocket just to be safe yep it's a jewish style of shoe did they really have pennies in the loafers is that how they got their name yeah you put pennies in them

that's what penny loafers are you buy them and then you put the penny in them I had no idea yeah

what do you think they call them then is there like a little slot for them yeah there's a slot.

Nice.

Just for one cent.

Anytime you need one of them.

You've never seen penny loafers?

I can't say that I exactly know what they look like off the top of my head.

Yeah, there's a little slot that you put a penny in.

Nice.

That's pretty cool.

Back in the days where you're.

Yeah, it's really cool stuff.

Yeah, here we go.

Here, copy image.

We'll send this right over to you.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, we'll post that to you.

You can take a look.

I appreciate that.

How do I?

Why don't you go ahead and take a look at

these loafers here and see if you like them?

Oh, yeah, right there.

Yeah.

Nice.

That's cool.

I guess we should look up and see what the fuck Magnolia is at Best Buy.

Yeah, why don't we figure that out?

Yeah, we should.

I'm going to lean back and I'm going to hold my mic now.

We need to get to the bottom of this.

Let's find out what Magnolia is.

Magnolia Premium Audio and Video.

Did we talk about Magnolia the fucking movie last time?

Here we go.

Solved.

What is Magnolia Home Theater on the Best Buy support forum?

Let's find out.

I'm on pins and needles.

How do I give my dad head?

I want to.

No, they were never bought out.

I guess.

Wait, hold on.

It's a partnership?

No,

it was its own thing.

And then

Best Buy.

Buy, originally introduced to select the Best Buy stores in 2004.

Magnolia Home Theater is unique.

And now they're just, they look like dog shit now.

You go in there and the cup holder's ripped out by a homeless person.

There's a bunch of TVs stacked on top of each other.

You're like, please, I just want to remember life before the recession for a minute.

I just want to know what it was like.

I want to know.

The first year of George W.

Bush's term.

The first term.

Yeah, the first couple of years.

Before those fucking towers.

George W.

Bush, before 9-11 the best america ever got yeah i loved it well i was working at suncoast video me and my boy possibilities were endless me and my boy ralph smoking weed talking about the matrix

maybe hit up maybe hit up onie and get some uh yeah get some pretzel bites dip them in cheese

these are healthy

These are healthy.

They're bites.

You guys have

hot dog.

They're small because

they're healthy because they're small.

It's a pretzel.

That's what adults eat.

It's not candy, so it's healthy for you.

It's not sweet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm eating healthy.

I'm on a diet.

Yeah, I'm on a diet.

I'm having pretzel bites and I'm going to Orange Julius for a smoothie.

For a juice.

It helps my body.

It's healthy for you.

I had a Beyond Burger last night.

Gotta say.

Not bad.

No, they're not that good.

You've had them?

I I thought they were going to be great.

The way people talk about them shits, it's like, whoa, they're the best ones of all time.

Suck, dick.

I mean, the texture is pretty good.

I had a fucking, there's a veggie burger in Cleveland at the Green Something Something

across the street from Hilarity's.

It's the best veggie burger I've ever had in my life, dude.

Really?

You got to go there.

The Green Something Tavern.

Yeah.

Wait, I don't know what they do.

They got a bean.

We all went there, didn't we?

That barbecue place?

Remember, we went to that barbecue place across from Hilarity's?

No, Sav was in the hotel, icing his foot.

So it was me and you.

We went to the

two of us went, yeah.

Yeah, and that guy was like,

that guy was like, the barbecue here is awesome.

It's Cleveland style.

He could say it was Cleveland style.

Cleveland style barbecue.

So we're like, what?

So, yeah, I was like, what is Cleveland-style barbecue?

He's like, well, we got pulled pork, brisket.

I was like, that's just.

It's not.

Yeah.

We got Cleveland-style sauces.

Yeah, that place sucked.

Yeah, it was fun.

It was fine, but it wasn't Cleveland-style.

Cleveland-style, brother.

Yeah, yeah, Cleveland.

That was kind of sad.

That one street where they're like trying to bring back downtown.

Whereas there was once a great city there.

Every city does that, and then they pretend that they invented jazz.

Yeah, exactly.

It's like some fucking like

council member is just some dickhead white guy.

It's like, remember how we came up with how our city was the jazz city it was the jazz city it's like the air force and jazz presents

night yes night time by fucking milwaukee the city nights right dude it was so funny in boston they have they have the house of blues yeah right next to fenway and they have this big like mural for all these black like famous black musicians and it's like

the red sox owner didn't allow a black player on his team until like 30 years after jackie robinson They were the last team to integrate.

They are the most famously racist organization.

And they just have this mural to these fucking black people that this guy would never allow in his ballpark at all.

Right.

They're like, well, this is where you revitalize an industrial area.

Xanarans.

Fucking.

They all do it.

That is so fucking true.

Yeah, you're right.

Baltimore has that.

You know what Jazz and fucking Baltimore?

Cleveland's sad because you can tell that it was like an important city at one point.

Oh, it was important.

Like the buildings are really nice.

In what sense, bro?

What?

How?

How is Cleveland important?

The Erie Canal.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Every city was important in the sense that there was no Cleveland was a major American city for a long time.

I'm not backing down on this.

I mean, it's not the way like Detroit was.

Detroit was like a fucking, like an international city almost.

I think it's similar to Detroit.

It's the post-industrial Midwest.

Nah, Detroit was bigger than Cleveland.

Come on.

I don't know if it was bigger or smaller, but

Detroit was like Chicago.

It'd be like if Chicago turned into a fucking like just nothing.

Cleveland was as good as Baltimore, except Baltimore was better.

Yeah.

Bitch.

The best cities, the best cities in the country ranked.

Number one, Trenton.

Trenton makes the world takes.

Number two.

Dayton, Ohio.

Number two, Stockton, California.

What's Stockton?

That's just some shithole town in Northern California.

Kissimmee, St.

Cloud, Florida.

You just wanted to let everyone know that you know how to say the name of that town.

You look at it.

And do you remember that ad for like, if you're going to Disney, you stay in Kissimmee?

That was the old.

In your head, you were like, ooh, people probably pronounced it wrong, but now I know the right way.

So I'm going to bring it.

I just remember that ad.

It used to play during like Jerry Springer.

We're naming cities, and I'm picking one.

We're naming important cities.

Not even a city.

It's also got Disney World.

It's not even like.

It's a fake city.

We're coming up with economically depressed places that always sucked.

That place probably sucked.

It's like kind of like a middle-of-the-road town that has Disney World.

Yeah.

No, Disney World's in Orlando.

It's next to it's next to Orlando.

Does it fit?

I think it fits because it's like

no, you're trying to bring up again.

All right, you just go

this month.

Just go.

Just go.

Just go.

Did you bring up Kissing Me before?

He did.

I think it's the second time I've brought it up.

He did.

So he can be Kissimmee.

By the way,

he's been fantasizing about an opportunity to correct someone.

That's why he brought up Disney Plus earlier.

No, my thing is saying things wrong.

Maybe I can't

say that.

Do not take my thing away from me.

Maybe someone will say Kissimmee wrong.

And then I could be like, oh,

actually, it's Kissimmee.

That has never happened once.

It happens.

It's literally impossible because

you can't contain yourself.

It happens literally every show.

Because

you can't even wait for the opportunity to correct someone.

You just have to

do this to me in front of my mother, who's watching the show, right?

Yeah.

Who's watching the live stream?

She's watching.

Spanish in the living room on the TV on a Roku watching this right now and clapping every time.

He said, Kissimmi.

He said it right.

That's my fault.

God damn.

That would be so funny if my parents ever watched this.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Please no.

So what else?

Do you want to go back into economically depressed American cities?

Oh,

let me see.

Oh, yeah.

The ironic list of the best cities in the country.

Yeah.

Or most important, rather.

Most important.

Yeah.

As important as Ohio.

There's Cleveland.

I guess Troy, New York.

That's a good one.

Troy is good.

Oh,

Shreve Sport, Louisiana.

Shreveport.

Yep.

Yeah.

Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Scranton does count, I would say.

That counts.

Yep.

That'd be although the office.

Yeah, it'd be a nice tour.

Oh, the office was probably big for their economy.

Trenton, Scranton.

Office tourism?

Schenectady.

Shreve Sport.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Hopping all the way down to Louisiana for that one.

It's kind of all over here, but we're going to do one.

Because Simmi's St.

Cloud, Florida.

No.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Should I fucking do that

thing where you tattoo little dots on your head?

Yes.

So it looks like there's

a weird just take a Sharpie to it and see how that looks.

Wasn't there like a

TV ad in like the 80s or something where that looks good, dude.

It looks full.

Just start

yeah, just dot it.

Just dot that up.

Yeah.

No, stop.

It looks perfect, dude.

That's permanent, dude.

That's on your

record.

That looks good, dude.

Keep going.

That looks good.

That looks really good.

Yeah, but start with the hairline.

Put the hair, start where you want the hairline to be.

Yeah, you got to go lower.

Lower than that.

No, no, where you're

right by the eyebrows.

You got to go where you're right.

Yeah.

What you do, take your hand and then do this, and then the width of your fingers is where your hairline should start from your eyebrows to there.

I think, yeah, okay,

maybe half an inch above the eyebrow.

Yeah,

yeah, dude.

That's perfect.

You can't even tell.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're looking thick, dude.

We're getting men are becoming so much more beautiful in quarantine.

It's so true.

And the women look like dogs.

They're going to come out of this looking busted.

They look like fucking dogs.

The women are going to have to fuck dogs by the end of this spell.

Let me tell you.

We're going to be so fucking beautiful.

I'm not fucking no chicks.

I'm not having sex with girls ever again.

I'm only fucking my dotted up pot, my partners.

All right?

Me and

my dothead partner are going to fuck.

Dude, honestly, when I do this, that looks good, dude.

Yeah.

From the top.

People are like, is that James Bond?

He's become John Wick, dude.

Yeah, is that James Bond?

The

international debonair man of

government.

In government.

Yeah.

The government servant.

The public servant, James Bond.

How much does James Bond make?

$32,000.

from MI5?

Yeah, not that much.

That would be so fucking annoying to be.

And he's a gambling addict, too.

Do we ever see...

Where's the James Bond?

Do we ever see his house?

No.

Yeah, do they never see where he lives?

Yeah, that's true.

You never see where James Bond lives.

Do you not?

No.

No.

It'd be funny if they eventually show his house and it's just filled with like that bullshit from Target.

your Target home, that would be, yeah, Target Home, and like a fucking like a Wallace and Grommet Funko Pop, yeah, like one of those old, like, uh, Italian liquor posters that girls get after they graduate college in their first apartment, right?

So, like, it's classy,

you frame a framed a Campari poster, yeah, a framed Campari poster from 19.

Campari, a little Campari and soda, Campari soda is a nice, nice summer drink.

Damn,

I've been drinking here.

Have you?

With the old man.

Yeah.

Getting fucking toasted?

Not really.

I've been getting

6 p.m.

whiskey.

Would you say, Adam?

6 p.m.

scotch.

It's a

thing that the men in my family do.

I have to start being a man.

Like tea time?

Yeah.

We have a tea time scotch and then a 6 p.m.

scotch, then an after-dinner scotch.

Or breakfast scotch.

I wish I had a brown sharpie.

That would probably work better with my the color of my hair.

Yeah, that's

that's really the only problem the tone

but

now see these are kind of big though if I got little tiny ones I think it would work

What do you got in your mouth Adam?

I don't know.

It's a piece of cardboard that I found that I've been playing with in my you know how

yeah

I know how you are.

I play I know how you get I got a piss boy so I'll be right back

Did you buy those DVDs Nick

what DVDs?

The ones you sent us from Amazon.

Oh no, I just watched some of that show on YouTube.

Very funny.

What is it?

I don't know just some like fucking AE show that's like

that's just like shitty television actors doing like um

um

like fucking noir detective stuff, but they're all like just like middle-aged fatsos or whatever, being like, Yo, what's the business, chopa?

We're in like dumb costumes, and all the YouTube comments are great because it's just like elderly, autistic people and be like, This is like just miss the show, yeah.

And they're like, This

quality of English has been unheard.

You can't find, you know, what's it called?

Um,

Nero Wolf, and ⁇ E's Nero Wolf.

And it's just a fat detective?

Yeah.

Well, the character is like one of those like

A ⁇ E show.

Yeah, Nero Wolf Mystery

was the A ⁇ E show.

Rex Stout is the other.

I got to piss fucking two.

Shit.

Alright, you can leave me.

I mean, wait for Stop.

Well, yeah, I gotta wait for Stop to come back.

Oh, that's his gaming chair.

This is his bed, his orthopedic bed.

I like his headboard.

It looks like he's like an orphanage or something.

It's nice.

Yeah, I don't know why.

Just go platform, you know, if you're going to have the shittiest bed.

A platform bed.

Yeah, that's what I have.

Just go platform bed.

Yeah.

I've been thinking about getting in

a bed.

I still don't know.

I'll continue to read mattress reviews, and I still have no idea.

They're all over the place.

Oh, yeah, completely.

You get a bed in a box.

You get

a little bit while I was gone.

We were talking about your gaming chair.

He was telling us about that TV show that he sent us the other day.

Oh, yeah, if you smudge it.

Oh, dude, if I smudge it, it actually looks good for real.

It actually does look good.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

No, that looks like hair.

That looks like hair, bro.

I got thick hair.

You look like Rod Blagoevich right now.

You got a thick mane, brother.

Did Rod get another toupee that's that's white?

Or is that his real hair?

Wait, was it a toupee?

I think that's just his style.

Rob's got a toupee, I thought.

Oh, I thought he just had a sick style.

Oh, yeah, dude.

That looks pretty good.

Yeah, I got hair, bro.

You should dye your hair, dude.

What color should I get?

I'm going through my blonde phase.

I'm a dumb bitch.

Maybe I should get I should die.

I should get I should dye my sides blonde.

Yeah, I think

I should shave them with the center of my head and keep the sides horseshoe style.

Blonde sides blonde, dude.

That's not bad.

Yeah.

Why not go toupee?

Why not go toupee?

Why not?

I might.

I'm open to it.

How do you keep it on?

You glue it?

I think so.

I saw some of the things.

velcro.

There's toupee Instagram I got into the other day.

I was like

a lot of like

very custom dressed up toupee.

That's awesome.

Hair stylists that like make your toupee look like give you that dumb haircut that McIlmore.

They're like, this hairstylist is like changing people's lives.

They last for like, I think you have to get them readjusted every two weeks.

Dude, I'm going.

I'm getting a toupee fucking.

I'm getting a toupee until my hair is long enough for a ponytail.

That's a good look, honestly.

I'm on a ponytail, dude.

But it's good.

How long do you think a ponytail would take?

Like, six months?

I think longer.

I don't think I've gotten a haircut in six months, and it's just like, it's not that long.

Fuck.

Are you serious?

Maybe I could have a small pony at the back, though.

All I need is a small pony at the back, dude.

Yeah, you could.

Oh, you could do that in six months, for sure.

For sure.

What I'm going to start doing is just maybe trimming the top and leaving the sides so the sides keep growing yeah

put like a number two on the top

i think that's sick

dude that's my plan

oh fuck dude

fuck it is wing night isn't it

i was thinking you can't break tradition dude i can't break tradition i have to get we must keep living we can't let this virus change us that's true last wing night we watched the thing that shit rocked.

You should have a, you and your roommates should have

theme nights, fancy dress nights.

What's the theme?

You can do like

CEOs and corporate hose.

You could do one.

Hell yeah, dude.

Do a

pimpson hose.

Yeah.

Do a,

you know, just like something that a fraternity would get in trouble for.

Yeah.

Maybe do a blackface night.

Blackface night.

No pictures.

Everyone puts their phones away so you can't get cancelled.

But everyone knows, you know, everyone that's there knows that we're doing something really naughty.

The best part, all the, remember when, like, there's like six months where every politician kept getting in trouble for blackface?

Remember that guy from Virginia?

Yeah, he's still the governor, I think.

Yeah, he's still the governor.

He was, remember, he was going to moonwalk during it and his wife had to stop him because he was in blackface.

He said he was doing a Michael Jackson competition, which isn't even he was about to moonwalk.

You could have done the white face.

Yeah, you could have just gotten like a wet-looking wig and done Michael Jackson when he was white.

Taped your nose a little bit like small.

People used to fucking love Blackface, dude.

Yeah, it's a major American art form that now we're not allowed to do it.

That's true.

Roger Sterling, remember in Mad Men, he's in Blackface.

They should have a...

If doing cosplay will be seen as rude in the future.

To video game characters who are now real.

Yeah.

They should have to get married to video game characters.

The singularity, and now video game characters are considered real.

And it's offensive to dress like Cloud.

Well, I don't know, though, because it's not offensive to dress like Jay-Z.

You just can't put Blackface on.

I think it's probably not allowed anymore.

Even if you're not doing blackface.

You can dress as Jay-Z if you're not in like

Beyoncé and Jay-Z.

There was some post a couple years ago that was like, wow, my son went to school for Halloween this year as his hero, Malcolm X.

And it didn't require doing any blackface whatsoever.

And it's just like a white kid wearing a suit with glasses on.

And it's like...

No, it's more offensive.

He looks like a nerd.

He doesn't look like Malcolm X.

He has to explain it to everyone.

It's not his hero.

You made him do this.

Yeah.

His hero is a fire truck.

Yeah.

He likes a guy who plays sports.

There's no way a little fucking dumbass white kid loves Malcolm X.

Not when he's four.

Like maybe if he's 11 and a real fucking nerd, sure, but.

Yeah.

They should.

What's the guy that did the baseball and the jazz documentary?

Ken Burns.

They should do a Ken Burns about Blackface.

Yeah.

Letters from, I try, I try,

dear Marge, I tried the most incredible thing the other day.

I greased my face and I appeared to be a Negro.

Yeah, just

that like older black woman historian that they always go to or whatever.

And she's like, well, the shoe polish gives you a tactile appreciation for the experience, but not a spiritual one.

She's pro in this documentary.

Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, it's a kind of objective.

Just Shelby Foot being like, well, not only was Blackface a sign of respect, but

in many ways, one could,

you know, even extrapolate a sense that the blackface actors who may be white were taking a greater risk historically than their African-American counterparts.

And in many ways,

the southern white men who chose to be black made more of a sacrifice

than the real heroes

than

the African-American.

And then it cuts.

Yeah.

African-American.

Yes.

Then the African-American.

You just see his mouth.

Yeah, they do the Conan thing where it's just another person's mouth over it.

African Americans.

Shout out to Dance and the God.

Doing blackface.

Ted Dance used to have a little ponytail.

Do you guys remember that?

Is that your inspo?

That was fucked up.

Mel Gibson had a cool ponytail on Lethal Weapon 3.

So sick.

That's a good look.

And he would just tie it back to make it look like a fucking colour.

They didn't know what to do after 80s mullets.

Everybody drew it.

My aesthetic post-quarantine is going to be Val Kilmer final machine gun fight

in heat, where I'm wearing a suit and I have a very slick back ponytail.

Ponytail suit is a great combo.

Well, I can if I get the machine gun.

You couldn't pull it off.

I could pull it off.

You would look a kindergarten teacher, but a female one.

Wearing a suit, you know.

Oh, well.

You'd look like a lesbian kindergarten teacher.

Point taken.

Damn.

Maybe I should re-watch Time Cop

after this.

Who's in that?

Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Do you remember the video game for that?

Time Cop?

There was an NES game.

No, I don't.

No, you're thinking of Time Crisis.

No, Time Crisis

at the arcade.

I think there was a Time Cop NES game.

I remember.

I'm making a note to watch Time Copy My Cinema.

How about

Time Top?

Time Top.

Yeah.

I have to go into the future to get my penis sucked.

You don't understand.

There is a criminal, and he is in the future.

And if I don't don't go into the future to get my cock sucked,

then he is going to do something real bad.

Very good, Jean-Claude.

Just keep doing the splits.

Keep doing the splits.

Don't worry.

We'll dub your voiceover.

Hey, why don't you come take a look at my face, tough guy?

Hey.

Always be ready.

Always be ready.

He's the worst of all of them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As an actor, for sure.

But a great martial artist.

Oh, the best in that regard.

Yeah.

The only one who could actually fight of all the 80s guys.

It's basically just

Stallone and Schwarzenegger, they're the tops.

And then Van Damme is right underneath, I would say.

Yeah.

Could Dolph fight?

Skull knows Akio.

Segal was, yeah, he was.

I'm just talking in terms of stars, star power.

What about Lundgren?

Lundgren just shot guns?

Lundgren was.

Lundgren was never the star.

Yeah, Lundgren was actually

a real kickboxer.

Yeah.

He's also.

And he was a scientist, too.

Yeah, he's like a genius.

He's really smart in real life.

Yeah, Lundgren's a true badass, I guess.

It just goes to show you it doesn't matter if you're smart.

Yeah.

Well, I think it's time to go watch Time Cop.

Sounds good to me, man.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

I got to have lunch.

Yeah.

It's lunchtime on the West Coast.

I think I'm gonna have leftover lasagna.

Ooh, lasagna.

And then I'm gonna do digest and then do do my burpees.

What do you do?

You jump up.

No, but I don't know.

Who does the push up?

His dad puts him on his shoulder and taps his back.

Yeah, that's what Adam thinks burpees.

He's gonna be a baby, but then also the woman slapped by the baby.

No, I don't No, I ha he needs to film so I can see that I'm doing my form right.

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

Your dad just has a big-ass old-ass camera.

Yeah, just like a.

Joe Benham.

Just from the early 90s.

Yeah, for like family videos from the early 90s.

He's got olive oil in a little misting bottle that he keeps hitting you with.

We edit it together on the computer.

God damn.

It's so funny how little shit gets done.

After talking with you guys for an hour and a half, I'm like, whew.

Well, that was a busy

time to fucking write.

I'm just going to back to being mad about my keys.

I'm already geared down for that.

Oh, man.

I feel like I've done a pretty bad job containing.

Just

how fucking angry I am about.

As a man who has lost so many of his things, I commend you for being just to even talk.

All right.

Well, see you later, folks.

Folks, goodbye.

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