Ep. 197 – Jerkules

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Chuck, Chuck, you are now about to witness the power of having gay sex.

Have we started?

Yeah.

Oh, I had a good start for this episode ready.

Let's hear it.

Can you smell

what Mike Bloomberg

is cooking?

Why Mike Bloomberg?

I like that one.

Because he won the Samoa.

Oh, that's right.

Can you smell la la la la la la?

Yep.

Shouts out to Mike Bloomberg winning a Samoa.

And it was actually a pretty good investment because apparently he's going to save $5 billion in taxes.

Well, hold on.

Bernie's not out of it.

If Bernie doesn't win.

But what if he got it?

If he drops half a billion to save $5 billion.

People keep talking about, oh, well, he spent $700 million and blew it.

Like, what a loser.

But he has $800 trillion.

Yeah, he's got a lot of

money.

He spends $800 million a year on cum to eat.

It's true.

That is true.

His cum autismal cum.

No, he gets bottom of the barrel.

He gets tricked

because he doesn't know.

It's just the packaging.

It's just nice.

Yeah.

It's like that pasta sauce Classico that I used to think was good, but it was only because

the label made it look like authentic.

The label always made me think it reminded me of like a jigsaw puzzle.

What, Classico?

Classico, yeah.

Is that that the one in the see-through in the glass container i don't know i don't know why or what that means really but anytime i saw it i was i was always like fuck i should do a jigsaw puzzle is that the one that's really is that the one that's never got is that the one that's yellow and red no it's got like all kind of an old timey almost it looks old timey and like like a like crack like when you go to a shitty italian restaurant and they have like fake marble wallpaper yeah it looks like it was from minona's house you know that kind of vibe yeah oh yeah but it's actually was crappy pasta yeah this stuff does i think that's what what you call your grandmother in Italian.

Maimona.

No no.

No, no.

Maimona.

Ba-da-ba-da-bum.

No, no, no, no.

What?

Mai Minona.

I just wanna fuck with my

fucking mom.

Corona.

Oh, okay.

I was doing it like an Italian guy one time.

Corona.

Weird Al tweeted that he's not gonna do it.

Baba, bada, baba ba ba baba.

I corona.

I've got corona.

Hey, everybody.

It is Italian.

I thought it's so it's now Italians and the chin and the Chinese basically

equally.

Two of my favorite cuisine.

Did we do a thing about Weird Al Yankovic being an Arabic guy?

No.

No.

No, but we could do it.

Weird Al Yankovic.

Weird Al Yankovic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah, that's good.

I was thinking, did we do this?

So this is because we now it's Super Wednesday.

Super Wednesday.

This is the big wrap-up show.

Yeah, last

night was the boys being angry.

We were sad.

We thought Bernie was getting his pussy floundered, and he didn't.

I was mostly tired.

Yeah, I was mostly a sleepy boy, ready for

bedtime.

We forgot what day it was.

Just mad that I couldn't do that Charlie Rose thing.

Did you study Charlie Rose today?

Huh?

Did you study Charlie Rose?

He can't because of

the timelines.

The timeline.

So we literally.

The coming ends of next week because

that episode has to be with a Bluetooth read.

Oh, yeah.

We don't have one next week?

I don't think so.

It's like two weeks from now.

That's awesome.

It's really going to drive some people absolutely insane.

No, I like this.

I like the movie.

I like playing with time and space.

There are a lot of great movies like

Max Flash Forward.

Honestly, this month.

Good news, you have something to look forward to in the future.

This month is going to be our memento.

What if we have just been recording backwards the entire time?

We haven't.

The first episode was our last.

We haven't.

We haven't.

We haven't done it.

We haven't done it.

That sounds really stupid, even as a joke.

It sounds like a really stupid thing to say.

No, it was okay, Adam.

It was a standard kid.

Psych.

Psych.

Psycho wasn't stupid?

No, it was.

No, I was saying psyched would stop.

On my thing.

Oh, I thought you were saying

psych on your thing.

No, no.

I mean what I say.

You mean mean what you said to me.

I mean everything that I say, I mean.

There's no irony.

Somebody recently accused me of ironic racism, and I was like, ironic?

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Wait, so they're getting corona in Europe now?

Yeah.

That's fucked up.

I'm about to go to Ireland, dude.

Yeah, you're probably going to have, we might have to cancel the Australia tour if this shit gets worse.

We'll see.

Why?

Because of the travel bans and and stuff.

You're going to be stuck in London?

You're going to be stuck in the business.

By the way, it comes

stuck in Laundridge.

Probably the U.S.

military is going to have to airlift you back.

A very big plane.

No, no, a regular plane.

One of those big burgers.

I take regular planes all the time.

One of those, you know, those are the ones.

You've been on a lot of regular planes with me.

They have to seat the ball.

We took a pretty small one from Boston to New York.

That's a really small one.

We have to take ratchet straps.

No, we don't.

To be fair, they did have to do.

You get like special applications.

Whatever you said, no.

Whatever you're about to say no.

You see the airport and we got to board early.

No.

That was

very nice.

Welcome, Delta Sky Club members, members of active duty military, and anyone who is very fat.

It was nice to see you.

There's also our guest today.

Oh, yeah, when my foot was broken.

Yeah, we got to have done this today.

Yeah, that was fun.

We got to skip TSA every single time.

You guys just wheeled in front of the line.

We still had to go through the scanner.

Yeah, we should just pretend my foot is fucked up every time.

I think that's a great idea.

That's better than,

what do you call it?

The background check.

People are like, hey, Steve, do you like the window or the aisle?

And he's like, what do you mean, or?

Because they make him buy three ass.

He says three seats for his ass.

No, I get it.

I think everybody got it.

Yeah.

Yep.

So, yes, like I said, I hope I don't get corona in Dublin or London.

But this week, tomorrow, please buy tickets to see me in Phoenix at the Stand Up Live tomorrow on Thursday and Friday, Tucson at 191 tool.

They say I had a coronavirus.

Yep.

I can't know.

I cannot kiss my girlfriend because I had a coronavirus.

Oh, no.

So, damn, am I going to get this shit in Dublin?

Yeah.

Do they have it in Ireland?

Here's what I'm saying.

When I was in Japan, apparently they had these like

infrared sensors.

So when we were like passing through a corridor into customs, they were like, you know, like those like guns where you can like measure how hot something is.

Yeah.

They were like scanning people's heads to see if you were coming into the country country with a fever, right?

Dude, that would have been my balls are hot masks, dude.

Yeah, they look cute.

They do.

Kawaii.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, just dressed up in the mask, dancing to the Wii menu music.

I would rather them not be wearing a mask.

Yeah.

To see their little mouths.

No, I think all women should wear that.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm Wahhabeast.

I think you should only see the eyes.

Is that what Wahhabist is?

Yeah.

I'm Saudi Arabia.

Wahhabi.

Wahhabi Lobby.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, basically the same if you think about it.

Yeah, Wahhabi.

Wahhabi.

Wahabi.

Wahhabi Bobby's World.

And that's the show, folks.

Wahabi Bobby's World.

Hobby Bobby's World by Oh, Bobby, don't you know?

Starring Come Look at My Pussy.

That show fucking sucked.

I think we've talked about this.

I liked it.

Did you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't remember a single point of it.

Yeah.

I remember him riding his fucking tricerator.

That's just the intro to the show.

That's just.

That's what you remember from the show, is the intro to the show, and nothing else.

The mom, the mom, being like, oh, Bobby.

Yeah.

I've got a big pussy, Bobby.

Howie Mandel.

Yeah, he he was.

Howie Mandel can probably suck my dick now that I think about it.

Being a live-action person in a cartoon world was something that blew my mind as a kid.

Like, Roger Rabbit blew my mind.

Wasn't there another?

There's another guy who did that.

Space Jam.

Space Jam.

Now that's a good movie.

Yeah.

Do you guys ever have the binder?

The Space Jam Binder?

The Trapper Keeper?

No, I didn't.

No, The Binder.

Was there a Binder for it?

The zips around.

Trapper Keeper was like.

Didn't have the the zip.

You knew I was coming in strong with the.

I didn't know what Trapper Keepers were ever.

I still don't know.

Yeah, they're basically

a brand of binder that had like an in the A Velcro.

It had like a Velcro like thing that you flapped over.

No.

Yes, it did.

To like close it.

Not necessarily.

I was always ashamed of myself because I would break the rings on the binder immediately.

Yeah, basically.

It would be like misaligned and fucked up and all that.

No, I hated the key.

Was the shit was jagged.

There's like glue and saliva all over everything, just blood everywhere.

I'm like, I don't know how to.

I'm not sorry.

God damn.

I was a throw everything in the binder in like week two.

Yeah.

I fucking fell apart.

One of my classic moves throughout school was always like when they come around to collect the homework.

I'm like,

oh, dude.

Sitting here somewhere.

Yes.

But every day.

Because every day I'm like, I know I did it.

I did it.

I remember the point.

I did it for sure.

You can just mark down that I did it if you want.

And I'll tell you: one of these days, I'm going to get through this thing.

And we're going to get to the bottom of this.

But go ahead and just write down that.

Yeah, just go ahead and mark me down as having done it.

Just go ahead and.

Oh, you won't?

Okay.

Okay, no problem.

No problem.

I'll just fail out of high school in five years.

Yeah.

No, I'll just continue to be a complete piece of shit

until

probably about 2024.

Yep.

Is that when you're going to turn it around?

Oh, yeah.

What's chapter two going to be?

I won't be dead.

Oh, okay.

You'll die.

You won't, like, at all.

You won't reach.

Oh, I thought you said it was

shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, you're right.

I'm taking that one of the graves.

Oh, okay.

Cool.

Cradle.

I thought you were going to turn it around 2024.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Become a family.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, I will not be doing that.

I do not think so.

Oh, fuck.

Here's, um,

here's another one I was wondering.

Have we ever done

Bernard Brothers?

And it's a black guy named Bernard Brothers.

And he loves Bernie.

Yeah, that's good.

Have we done that?

You like Elizabeth Juan?

You better get your slut pussy check for

sand.

Bitch, you been to the beach recently?

Yeah, he he is.

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

You put it full of sand.

Let me tell y'all why I love universal health care because you can get a free screening to get sand out your push.

To get all the sand out your pussy.

This bitch, she misunderstood.

They said hourglass.

They're talking about the figure.

You ain't supposed to crack an hourglass out of it.

She's trying to tell time with a person.

Bitch, it's time to shut up.

That's what time is.

It's time to endorse Bernie.

It's time to endorse Bernie.

Bernard Brothers.

And my name is Bernard Brothers.

My name is Bernard Brothers.

You listening to the Bernard Brothers podcast.

The ultimate Bernie bro, Bernard Brothers.

I think that's pretty much what Sean King has been tweeting.

Is that so?

Yeah, he's in big trouble.

What's his whole thing?

I don't know, but

he's back in the fold, dude.

I don't care what he is.

He is back in the middle.

I don't care any of the dumb shit he said over the years.

He's a homie.

He's down.

Yeah, he's

riding for Bernie.

He's got my personal badge of you can call yourself black.

Look, Sean,

I'm giving you me.

I'm giving you permission now to call yourself black.

You didn't have it before, but now you've earned it.

Yes.

You know who else is?

You know who else is

Big De Blasio, dude?

He's all in, dude.

He's riding hard, dude.

Shouts out to Bill.

He's in the mix for Bernard.

Another guy that's a fake race.

Yep.

Yeah, he's a German.

Yeah, his real name is like William Hyman or something.

I can't remember how many names.

Some weird

rules.

He gave himself the name.

And he's like, nah, I'm just saying, whatever me.

I'm fucking Billy.

You know what I mean?

Come on.

I'm just fucking saying.

I'm Billy the Beak.

Nah, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying.

Billy the Beak de Blasio.

Hey, the Bluzi Blas.

Just making up and kind of fake there.

Nah, you know, it's like,

you know, just, you just, you call yourself something.

Who gives a shit?

The Blasio, it means the Blazer.

Yeah.

They call me fucking out here smoking.

Because I love weed.

Hey, Bill DiBlasio, Icky Jimmy the Italian.

Jimmy the Italian guy.

You know, Jimmy Italiano.

Jimmy, yeah, right.

Hey, Jimmy Mayor Michael Macaroni.

Hey, no, my real name's Patrick

Lannerhee.

Yeah, but

my name's Patrick Donegal, but I go by fucking

by craft macaroni and cheese Liano.

Yeah.

So you get to be Italian, Bill.

And I guess you're giving Sean King permission to be black.

Sean King's allowed to be black.

So he's not black?

Or he isn't?

He is?

People doubt he is.

He looks white.

His parents are white.

The story is his mom cheated on his dad with a black guy.

That rocks.

And that's his story.

That's pretty cool.

He's like, nah, my mom got some extra.

My mom got cream pie by black guy on the side.

And his dad's like, real happy about your career, Sean.

Things sound like they're going real well.

That's cool that you're just blowing vape smoke in my cat's face.

I didn't want to blow it in your faces.

While she's trying to sleep.

Literally directly into the animal.

No, you just woke her up.

That was rude.

That's fucked up.

I didn't mean to blow out her.

She's just a cat.

She's just blowing in the opposite direction.

She's just a defenseless animal.

She's just a cat.

Listen, I understand what it's like to take care of a beast.

I do it myself.

Yeah, your pussy.

No, that's not true.

Your beast.

Ever hungry.

No, my dog.

I'm a master of beasts.

Never satiated, always thirsting for semen.

Your pussy.

No, I'm not talking about my pussy, which doesn't exist.

I'm talking about my dog, who's a beast, and i'm a master of beasts no you're not yes i am first of all the beast master is a guy in a loincloth in the jungle well that's what i wear when i'm at home man that show sucked yeah it was really bad really fucking stupid it was a movie wasn't it well it was a tv show too and then it would be like you know the villagers would be like is there anyone that can talk to ants and they'd be like yeah i got you i mean yeah the beast master yeah he's like hey can you guys stop eating the town was it a different guy huh it wasn't arnold

what in the tv show yeah no it was fucking.

It was probably Lorenzo Llamas' cousin.

Yeah, it was like the production value of like Hercules or Xena, but it had none of the magic.

Yeah, Xena was Xena was good.

Hercules was okay.

Not as good as Xena.

Xena was tight because it had a lesbian.

Xena was a spin-off.

But Xena was just a more fun show.

It was.

Yeah.

I don't remember much of Hercules.

See, I was just, I loved mythology.

I was a little

Greek fat boy.

I appreciate your call.

Because Because Hercules' whole shit is he's just strong.

So, you know, it's kind of like formulae.

Well, no, that his mom got raped by a god.

She didn't get raped.

She gave up the pussy.

Okay, but that we're not half god.

I'm talking about the show and the problems with the show, and you're now saying no, and then you want to let everyone know that you know the story of Hercules.

No, what I'm saying is his superpower

feat of strength.

What was his first feat of strength, Adam?

I don't know.

It's your history.

Well, don't talk like you know shit.

He pushed the heavy thing.

No.

No.

Idiot.

What is it?

He killed the snake that his little, his other, his jealous brother put in the crib.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I remember that.

No, you didn't episode.

You don't remember anything.

I don't remember that.

No.

That's why I was pissed when the movie came out, which is good.

It holds up.

It's a fun movie.

The cartoon cartoon.

The animated one.

You got pissed at it?

But at the time I was pissed because I was now that I've have some distance from Mathagues.

I remember as a kid, I didn't like that they put the Nambla logo on their cheeks.

I thought that was weird.

The pedophile symbol on the characters' faces.

Did they all do that?

Did they do that?

Was that one of those secret Disney things?

No, that's just what I remember as a kid, and I remember about...

Why did you know what an ambla was?

Yeah, I didn't know what that shit was.

Because, look, Dan, I bet you.

Nick was being careful.

I've been on this shit since the get-go.

That is true.

No, they don't have it.

I was wrong.

I thought I just now remembered that from seeing it because I never saw that fucking movie.

It's a good movie.

Did you?

It's fun.

It's a good movie.

movie.

Who is the girl

friend?

Danny DeVito.

What was he?

He was like.

What the fuck?

Danny the Eat Hole.

Yeah, Danny the Eat Hole.

He loves to eat pussy.

Hey, come here.

Give me your pussy.

He's a burnout.

That's my DeVito.

I need pussy.

Was he a dragon?

No, dragon was.

No, he was half man.

Or he was.

Oh, one of the with the goat legs?

Yeah, a pan.

is his name Pan?

Yeah, yeah, I don't know what those guys are called.

A cherub?

No, no, no, a cherub.

What are they called?

A cherub is a little baby, a little baby angel.

What are they called?

Um, puck satyr, puck is one of them, satyr, right?

Uh, is that what they're called?

A satyr with the goat legs, yeah, goat pants, and he's horny,

yeah.

You could play one of those.

That's exactly what I'm fucking born for.

I can see your career going that way, yes.

Um, One of class of lustful drunken woodland gods.

A man with a horse's ears and tail.

Oh, wait, no.

Is that right?

Yeah, he was a satyr.

Satyr Danny DeVito.

Yup.

Oh.

Yeah, dude, that's exactly who I am.

I'm Danny DeVito.

This is me.

I mean, come on.

Oh, my God.

That's you exactly.

Look, Nick, it's me.

You should go to a Comic-Con, is that?

I should.

Little pig guy.

He's not a pig, dude.

He just happens to be fat, but he's half a goat.

He's a goat.

He's not a pretty much.

He's a goat, man.

But he's not a pig.

I'm not a pig guy.

I mean, he might as well be a pig.

You're not saving yourself much dignity by saying, I'm this guy.

But to be clear, he's not a pig.

No.

He's just a three-foot-tall,

half-goat, obese, bald.

With horns.

Yeah, with horns.

But he's cool.

Is he?

Yeah.

Because he's horny.

He's horny and he trains Hercules.

Oh, he's like an

expert in combat.

Yeah.

Exactly.

That's what you want to do.

You want to help some guy.

A strong man.

Well, I want to coach people, yeah.

That'd be nice.

I would love that.

But just one guy in particular.

No, he coached a lot of heroes.

Who you love.

I don't love him.

He didn't love him.

He didn't fuck him.

I'll tell you that.

I'm looking at the pictures from the movie, and I've never seen it, but it looks like no, you're not.

First of all, you're not looking at them.

You're looking at something else.

No.

Fuck.

Yeah, I'm looking at them.

Here.

So the bad guy from the movie is Adam.

The bad guy is

the Jewish character.

Played by Hades.

By James Woods.

He's got the same teeth and lips as Adam, and Adam makes that face all the time.

It kind of looks like James Woods.

I don't have triangle teeth.

You have little triangle teeth.

No, I don't, Nick.

And you make that face.

Look, imagine this guy saying, saying, Wood are you, a big Woodrow Wilson fan?

Okay, nice callback.

I was experiencing jet lag when I sat down

for the record.

Yeah, that's Adam is constantly making that face.

What kind of face?

My face isn't that long.

You make that face all the time.

What kind of face?

It's not that long.

I will give you that.

You're right.

That face, it actually kind of does look like James Woods.

It does.

I think they do that.

Once they cast a guy, they make his face.

They got him before they.

You know, Chris Farley was was supposed to be Shrek, but he died?

Yeah, it's the Shrek curse.

Yeah, can you imagine how much better of a movie that would have been?

I know.

If it was him instead of the guy from Smash Mouth.

Mike like, I guess Mike Meyer ended up casting it.

It was him after Smash Mouth.

All right, Peter Farley, dude.

Why couldn't it have been the guy from Smash Mouth instead?

I know.

Yeah.

I really would do that trade, which is fucked up to that guy's family.

You know there's a curse on I think it they say it's a Confederacy of Dunce's curse.

Everyone that's been cast in like a movie adaptation has died.

Really?

Maybe I'm making this up.

But I think it was him, John Candy, fucking

Belushi,

someone else.

Confederacy of Dunce.

I've never read that book, but it seems like.

You could play that guy.

But it seems, are you trying to kill me now, dude?

No, I'm not saying, I'm not trying to kill you, but that the

character.

The book that people pretend is funny.

Yeah, there's a lot of shit.

It's pretty funny.

Seems pretty good.

Fucking Catch 22.

I remember I read it when I was like, I don't know, 20 or something.

It's not as funny as Confederacy Adobe.

It's not funny at all.

Is that a book about the amount of you trying to, the amount of dicks you're trying to catch in your ass?

Are you asking me or Adam?

Either one.

Well, you're going to have to clarify for it.

No.

Either one.

Seems like you both are interested in answering.

You throwing that out to the room, I guess?

Yeah, to the room.

To the room.

Okay.

Well, I'll let you take that one, Nick.

Oh, you want me to answer on your behalf?

The answer is.

The answer is no, no, no, no, no.

Moving on.

Moving on.

It's on the record.

No, I never said that.

I never said that.

Just never said that.

Well, it's on the record, and we're moving on.

I'm so slick.

Just fucking moving on.

You've been outmaneuvered with fucking

back.

Okay, deaf.

What are those called?

Huh?

Ah, fuck.

Hold on.

I'm trying to remember a word.

4D chess.

No, no, no.

Let him think.

Just can you for once let him think?

Parliamentary procedure.

Parliamentary procedure.

Roberts rules.

That's what happened.

Home rule.

Home clause.

I think is what they say.

Yeah.

Home clause.

And then the guy says, I'll speak on his behalf.

Yes, I do want to catch 22

dicks in my ass.

I'm going to take dicks in my ass.

Listen, Nick, you're Sarah.

Battle and war.

Just remember that.

Yeah.

Once again, you've won won another battle.

Perhaps a long string of battles.

Yeah.

Perhaps an undefeated record in the battles.

Yeah, the war.

You've had one or two.

Yeah, no, you've had a couple.

Thank you.

Who said no country for no pussy for gay name?

That was me.

Well, I guess you're right.

You got Zero.

Yep.

Now check the logs here.

Anyway, what were we talking about now?

No, I didn't get you one time.

No.

Yes, I did.

I just remembered what it was.

What was it?

It was when you were

when you were calling me Cool Adam.

And you were like, just get me back.

Just call me gay Nick.

And I said, no, you just avoided falling into a trap.

No, and then I said, no,

that would mean that you were regular Nick, but in reality, you are gay Nick.

Oh, that's good.

That is good.

I did get him, and he tried to set up a trap, and I avoided it.

That's good, man.

Congrats.

Who's got a charger?

I got to plug my show.

I forgot about that happening.

I don't want to do the show anymore.

We'll just record.

We'll do it.

No, Nick, you're very funny.

No.

You're very good at.

I forgot about

it.

I'm mad now.

You're good at.

I don't want to do that.

Just give him a second.

Come on, man.

Just give him a second.

Okay, cool off, dude.

I'm just going to look at pictures from Hercules for a minute here.

Look up some porn of Megara, dude.

Who's Megara?

She's the girl in it.

Imagine changing the first letter of her name.

All right.

To an end.

I will not imagine that.

Just imagine.

I'm not imagining.

Just change.

Wait, hold on.

I found her.

Is this her?

No.

Okay.

Was she in the movie?

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

I see what you're doing.

Why can't she be the love interest?

There's a Greek chorus.

If I was half man, half God,

and I could lift a house over my head, you better believe it would be nothing but chocolate BBWs.

That's the only kind of woman that could

please you.

Right.

Because you can throw them against a wall and they weigh what, 700 pounds?

Bounce right back.

Yeah.

This other.

So you think Hercules is about Lizzo, that type of shit.

Oh, yeah, of course.

I'm just saying, if I were Hercules,

that would be my kind of shit.

You need a lot more woman.

Right.

You know?

Yeah.

What I'm supposed to fuck somebody that weighs 115 pounds?

That's a good breakdown in half.

Yeah, kill them.

That's true.

Yeah.

You don't think so.

Truly, you need more cushion for the pushing.

She's like, pull pull my hair, and then it's just a naked skull with the skin and scalp ripped off of it.

And you're like, my bad.

Fuck.

Had a little of mice and men moment here in the bedroom.

Once again, murdered another woman trying to have sex.

That's true.

I never considered how hard Hercules' penis was.

That rocks at Lenny snapped that woman's neck.

You know how fucking hard that is to do?

Yeah, he must have been strong.

Yeah.

That's why they shouldn't have picked

that guy who played him, Malkovich.

Should have been someone stronger than him, yeah.

Like the rock, should have been the rock, dude.

Yeah, you should have picked or the big show, or the big show, he's even bigger.

Andre included on emails by accident, and they think you're some other guy.

Yeah, there's another Adam.

Never happens to me.

Stop Ross Halkis.

The only guy I know with that name is my grandfather.

I had a chain email here from a woman named Manuela Bircher.

It says Project Peanut Lift.

Oh, I got a peanut you can lift, Manuela.

Purchasing, can you please provide a PO for the below?

Sun Belt Rentals, job name Project Peanut, scope 19-foot scissors, slim one week.

You got to respond, dude.

Yeah, reply all thank you.

And then somebody named Michelle Ziegler is giving the P.O.

number.

So I'm going to reply to this.

What are you going to say?

I don't know.

I'll figure it out.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nice.

How about just, how about the classic, hey guys?

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys,

that's pretty good.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Not bad, dude.

Not bad.

What have you guys been up to?

Yeah, how are you guys doing?

You should just be like, I don't actually, in my records, and then whatever Michelle said, say the opposite.

What is grewnow.us?

Let's take a look at this company.

Let's check it out.

Greenow.us.

Grew, what is this fucking the minions movie?

Specialty contracting built on values.

That doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't, yeah.

I guess it doesn't.

What if you just...

HVAC, plumbing, process piping.

What if you just live in this other Nick Mullen skin and just start all over again?

Just run your own contracting.

Just go down there.

Just go down there.

Kill Bob the Builder outfit on.

Fuck his wife.

It's me.

And they're like, you look different.

I'm like, no, I don't.

And they're like, oh, okay.

Check my ID.

It says Nick Mullen.

Yep, it's me.

Back from my vacation in New York City.

I got a driver's license.

It was great.

I went to the M ⁇ M store.

I brought MMs back for everybody.

And they're like, Nick seems different, but he brought us MMs.

It's just like a fire.

All the equipment's on fire.

Can I have my whole salary in it for

the money up front?

Where's my office again?

Hey, sorry.

I'm a little out of it today.

Yeah.

Where's my office?

Tell me where I live.

Trouble getting back in the saddle.

Which one of you is my wife?

I'm still figuring out

what exactly this company is.

On some fucking madmen shit.

Yeah.

So he's spoil it for me.

I've only seen the first six episodes.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I know that he ate somebody in Korea and stole their identity.

A guy named Dickie.

Yeah.

No, his name is Dickie.

Oh, yeah.

His name's Dickie.

Yeah.

Let me...

Why don't you do the voice?

But what is he saying?

I haven't seen it, so I don't know.

I don't know.

I ate a man in Korea.

Oh, sorry.

I shouldn't have tried an impression.

Why?

Because I get nervous.

Hey, chill, Adam.

So everything's going to be okay, man.

Take a deep breath.

In Korea.

Okay, there you go.

Korea.

Why would you eat a dog when you can eat a man?

When you can take a human being's life for dinner.

Something like that.

Yeah.

I was going to say something about like suck my dicky.

Yeah.

Because that's his name.

Yeah.

No, I'm not done.

I'm Suck My Dicky.

My first name is Suck.

My middle name is My, and my last name is Dickie.

You can call me Suck My Dicky.

And everyone will call me that.

You can call me Suck.

Suck Dickie for sure.

You can call me Suck My Dickie.

Good old Suck Dickie.

If you like Suck Dickie, you can go to Blue Chew.

If you want to get your Dickie suckied,

listen up, guys.

And not have it be limp for a change.

Dick Don't Work?

Check out Blue Chew.com, you dickless bastard.

Guess what, you dickless bastard.

You fucking homo.

We got something for you.

If you like sex, you'll like Blue Chew.com.

Oh, yeah.

Blue Chew offers men and ladies, but just men, a performance enhancement.

I suppose some ladies.

I suppose a woman could take the pill and see what happens.

Yep.

Well, some women have cocks.

Some women have

a hard time.

We're living in the future.

Don't forget.

If you have a penis, which is just a number.

If you have a penis, you have a dick pill.

If you have a penis.

If science cocking it, you have a dick pill.

Yeah, like doing regional atmosphere.

Yeah, science current.

If you have a phone, you have a lawyer.

Duh, Adam.

Yeah, you don't know science current fucking ammo.

I don't know.

I'm from the American Southwest.

Oh, are you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Growing up, putting sombreros on,

cutting a little hole in the brim.

That's right.

That's what Orthodox Jews did.

Yeah.

Well, he would sit in the town fountain.

Okay.

And people would

describe himself as, disguise himself as the fountain.

And it's customary in the Arizona desert to...

That's from Nevada.

It's the same.

Shit.

It's similar.

Yeah, it is similar.

Arizona is a state, but the desert is called the Arizona Desert.

It's called the Arizona Desert.

It's called the Mojave Desert.

I don't know about that.

I don't know about that, man.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Anyways, he'd dress up like a fountain, and everybody, they would come and piss and come in the fountain.

Yep.

And you know how they'd get their dicks hard?

With

com a southwest treat.

Which you don't.

Sort of the San Francisco treat of the American Southwest is Blue Chew.com.

It's their rice-arony.

You don't really need to get your dick hard to piss on someone.

Or to come on, to come.

That's how I piss, dude.

That's why it takes me so much.

You piss hard.

I piss hard.

Piss hard.

Piss hard.

You don't know that townsman's answer.

Piss hard.

Piss hard.

But won't you suck the bones of my penis?

Suck all the piss out of me.

The online physician consult is free.

They got online doctors.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They really do.

Goodbye, Adam.

I guess he's leaving.

Fucking piece of shit.

Yeah, he doesn't need it.

He only wants to stay for the part that is not work.

Literally, for the only part we're paid for.

The only thing that sort of resembles work, he's like, oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

The online physician constantly.

Well, all that talk about those guys jacking off on him got him hard.

I got him.

He's in there jacking off on him.

Yeah, he's in there stealing my Bluetooth pills to get hard so he can piss.

Yeah.

Wow, that was quick, Adam.

Sorry, I'm allergic to this cat, and it's just been fucking me.

It would be very funny to be just completely hard at a urinal next to some guy.

They could just see, yeah, you're standing out, so your cock is fully showing.

I have a

only your head is covered by the urinal, but the like hard shaft is out.

I have a memory

that would be very funny.

Yeah, so you could also use Bluetooth for that.

Yeah, just

clearing your throat over and over again.

Yeah, this is it.

Normal.

I was at,

we took my grandparents to the strip when they were visiting Vegas once when I was a kid.

And I saw a guy jacking off into a urinal at the Paris Hotel Casino.

That's awesome.

And it was kind of a traumatic experience.

Did you get horny?

You're going to say, you know, I was molested by him.

Did you get horny?

No, I didn't get horny.

And he was molested by him.

And it turns out he was molested.

Good news.

We're back with our guest, Adam Friedland's Molesta, who wrote the book Molesting Adam Friedland, available at Barnes and Noble this week.

Thank you for joining us.

Tell us, did you, in fact, molest Adam in the Paris Hilton Hotel?

No, it was just the Paris.

The Paris Hilton.

They have the one-third scale replica of the hotel.

The Paris Hilton Hotel in Las Vegas, Arizona.

It's not Arizona.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

That day, that fateful day in where we all know factually as the Arizona desert,

where I was the most prolific molester.

Of Adam specifically.

Of Adam specifically.

I was moles.

My move would be to use the urinal hard.

And he could not.

He was entranced.

Yeah.

Once he set his eyes on a hard penis, he couldn't look away.

I'm right.

You are very gay.

You are very sleepy.

You are very gay.

I wonder how easy it is to hypnotize a Mexican guy.

I think it's...

They're like, you're getting sleepy.

I know.

No, just...

You're getting sleepy.

But

I was already sleepy.

That's a really good question, man.

Yeah.

Hold on.

I can keep going with this guy.

Yeah.

Why don't you?

You know, we got some business, though.

We got business here.

Bluechew.com.

If you're a sleepy Mexican, check out Blue Chew.com.

Who's Cock is soft?

Who's Cock is soft?

It's hard.

Check out Blue Chew.com.

It can be taken on a full or empty stomach.

And it's cheaper than the other two, Viagra and Cialis, because you don't have to go to a doctor.

Yep.

Cut out the fucking middleman.

No more middleman.

Okay.

They offer...

a performance enhancement.

I have no idea where.

They're chewable.

They got the same

active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis.

It only takes a few minutes to connect with a Blue Chew.com affiliated physician.

If you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.

No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at a pharmacy like some kind of Soviet peasant.

That's right.

Waiting for your rationing.

That's a

rationing of dick pills.

We live in America, man.

The siege of Stalingrad.

You know, they're all waiting for their, they have to get their dicks hard to make more Russian people.

Yep.

Because what was it?

78% of their population died?

Yeah, in World War II.

It was much worse than what happened.

Much worse than what happened.

But you don't hear that much whining about it.

They didn't get their own country in the Middle East.

Just because they're soulless.

They kind of just stuck around their own place.

Well, they did get their own country.

They have their own country.

It's called Russia.

It's Israel.

Huh?

No, no, I meant the Russians.

But all Israelis are just Russians or Eastern Europeans.

That's not true.

They have a rich culture that

goes all the way back to 19th century Russia.

Israel.com.

So anyway, yeah.

Anyway, ships directly.israel.com.israel.il.

All of the pills come with tracking devices.

Discrete packaging.

They read your mind and make sure that you don't harbor any negative opinions

about

the state of Israel.

And then it's on your administration.

What's his deal?

So

he just keeps breaking the law and becoming president.

They keep having elections.

He becomes president every two weeks.

Well, they can't form a coalition, so they keep having to have more

elections.

Because his dick is too soft.

Because they have like a pillar.

But if that's the case,

you should go to bluechew.com.

You should go.

They get prescribed online by a doctor, and they're made here in the USA.

You know, so you don't have to BDS.

If you're a BDS guy, good news.

Good news.

Bluechew.com is BDS approved.

That's right.

Because they're made right here in the USA by a fucking Union guy.

Big Pill Factory.

Hey, I'm on my fucking break over here.

What if it was PP Nets on Yahoo and he pisses on Palestinians hard?

He's a hard pisser.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

So I think I'm just throwing that out.

That's true.

Very good.

Thanks, Nick.

Yeah.

Do you want to do any more with that?

You'd like do more, like an impression of him.

Yeah, maybe impression of him or he's selling Blue Chew.

Yeah, wrap up the read.

Wrap up the read as PP Netanyahu.

Don't forget, we have a, you go to Blue Chew.

Here's what you tell the audience.

You got a great deal for him.

They visit Blue Chew.com.

I've got a great deal for you.

And they, oh, let me tell you everything.

You remember it, and then you do it.

I'll try it.

Your own version.

It doesn't have to be verbatim, but no, I want to hit all the notes.

I'm telling you now.

You got to say, here's a great deal for you guys.

It's important that you emphasize great deal and use your voice for that part.

I've got a great deal for you because it sounds authentic when you say it.

Like a BB nuts on your house.

Like, you know,

think of the notes that only sound.

I'm saying just leave it up to interpretation.

Visit bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code Come Town.

Just pay $5 shipping.

That's B-L-U-E-Chu.com.

Promo code Come Town.

Now hit it.

Take it away.

Get your first order of Blue Chew

when you put in the code.

All right.

I mean, Nick hit it already.

I don't need to do it as.

Do the fucking character.

Do it as PP Netanyahu.

Hi, I'm PP Netanyahu.

Sell it.

Hi, I'm PP Netanyahu.

Just fucking sell it, man.

Just fucking sell the character, man.

Sell me this dick pill.

Sell me this dick pill.

Sell it to me.

Sell me this dick pill.

I'm PSH and I'm lecturing.

Hi, I'm Prime Minister PP Peep.

Ha ha!

Awful fucking job.

Okay, hi, hi.

Come on.

Hi, I'm Prime Minister PP Netanyahu of Israel.

Sounds like your voice, man.

Hi, I'm PP Netanyahu of Israel.

And I'm here to sell you.

It's Teva Pharmaceuticals,

Israeli-made dick pills.

I mean, you made the USA dick pills.

At the end of the day, it's still an ad.

Okay, so I'm here to tell you about Blue Chew.

You get a promo if you put in Come Town.

Once again, it's B-L-U-E-Chu.com.

You say you had a great deal.

And I got a great deal, and it is a great deal.

Okay, all right.

You need a lot of work, man.

All right.

You need a lot of work.

I'll think it's over.

You pig fuck.

I'll think it over.

What was what's

which movie is that from?

What, Pig Fuck?

Yeah.

That's from the Master.

Oh, I've never seen The Full Master.

It's really good.

Pig fuck.

He like loses it.

It's some guy that's like criticizing him.

The scene where Amy Adams jacks him off in the bathroom.

Ooh.

Are her tits out?

Yeah.

Really?

Are they?

I think she's in a nice.

She's beating him off.

She's beating him off.

That's awesome.

That rocks, dude.

It's pretty cool.

I would love to get jacked off by Amy Adams.

Yeah, she's cool.

He was great.

I just re-watched that scene he's in in Heart 8.

Which one?

He's just in one scene at the casino.

He's playing craps.

Oh, yeah.

That's due a re-watch for me.

I've only seen it like twice.

It's the first one, right?

The first one, what?

The first PTA.

Or I guess he made a Dirk Diggler story, like short.

I have no idea.

But I've never seen that.

Chronology.

I think it's the first one.

I don't know.

I couldn't tell you.

Couldn't tell you, touch.

Couldn't tell you.

I'm just

Mickey Macaroni over here.

Ah, fuck my ass.

Hey.

Oh.

Hey, do me a favor, pal.

Why don't you come fuck me in my ass?

Hey, butterbucco.

Come over here, suck me on the fucking dick.

Hey.

Pal, you're fucking me in my ass over here.

Come on.

Hey, but

what the fake?

Come on.

You're fucking me in the ass.

You're bending me over and you're nothing in my fucking ass.

You're fucking pulling my cheeks apart and you're filling me full of goo over here.

Whoa, you fucking hit me raw.

The way I like it.

Mamma Mia, you fucking

making me your bitch over.

Oh fuck, it hurts so bad.

I feel beautiful.

I feel like a beautiful

natural woman.

You're making me feel like a princess over here.

I'm your fucking whore right now.

Oh, pal.

In this moment, I've surrendered to you completely and totally.

Yeah.

And they're like, I'm sorry.

He's like, is there any way I could just give you two bucks for the coffee?

You're like, no, it's $270.

Whoa.

Oh, mama, I mean,

you're fucking me in my ass.

Oh, he just filled my ass up again.

You're fucking splitting me in half over here.

You're fucking making me making my legs shake.

You fuck my boy pussy so hard.

I can't even.

Yeah.

I'm squirting out of my cock and my ass is.

I'm having trouble.

My prostate feels like it's going to pop.

You're cream pieing the cum out of my asshole.

You're making me assalute take a shot of it in a little shot glass.

You're biting the back of my neck and twisting my nipples off over.

You're fucking whispering, I love you, over my ear.

Come on.

You're telling me you see a future for the two of us.

Yeah, man.

Maybe move to Vermont, adopt a couple kids.

Come on.

You fucking whore.

I got a teeth cleaning today, boys.

I feel like I'm going to go.

You already went?

I got to go back.

I had to cancel.

I went this moment too.

Yeah, because I had to cancel because I got coronavirus a couple weeks ago.

Wait, what?

I think I might have had coronavirus.

What do you mean?

No.

Well, you know, I had that weird thing where I was throwing up all that bile.

It's just a flu.

All right.

Well.

And it was flu season, you know.

Yeah, but it's also coronavirus season.

That's That's true.

No, it wasn't over here.

Yeah, it wasn't here yet.

I know, but they're saying there's all these people that have mild cases.

What if, like, we all have coronavirus and most of us aren't pussies?

That's what I'm saying.

That's why I'm not scared.

This is another thing where it's like we're letting the weakest people in the world dictate the

emotional landscape.

You know, that's true.

Like, why are we scared of it?

I don't get it.

Because people can die from it.

Well, that's a that sucks.

Old people.

Old people might die of coronavirus instead of their melanomas.

They're supposed to die in other horrific ways.

I mean, I would be sad if my grandma died.

I must have it.

I would.

If your grandma died.

I don't know.

I'd be sad for you.

But she's nice.

What do you mean you'd be sad for him?

Well, the stop would be going through a hard time.

But what do you mean you'd be sad for him?

I'd empathize.

You're going to have to break.

Well, he doesn't know that word.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So basically, when your friend is having a tough time.

Shut up.

All right.

dude that fucking quiet that fucking turbo toothbrush they use that shit that goes

yeah that shit rocks dude just that noise i can i'm like i'm in pain no i mean that that the toothbrushing part is good the other part where they goes

and has the tiny thing that stabs your shit oh that sucks the scraper sucks i don't mind being stabbed it's just like my gum line my teeth are all rotted out at the gum line and i know what you need to do is all in that, but they like to, when I had cavities there, they were like, Does this hurt?

I'm like, it's excruciating.

Yeah, that hurts horrifically.

Yeah.

What you need to do is get a deep clean is when they fucking numb your shit and then like

it had to be scaled and plain.

They fucking numb my shit and pulled my gums back.

Yes, they did the same shit.

And then afterwards, they showed it to me, and it looks, I mean, like, my gums were purple and bleeding, like, everywhere.

Yeah, but they should give you antibacterial.

Yeah, there's a mouthwash I used for two weeks, and they cleaned my shit up because my gums were fucked up.

Yeah, my breath was fucked up.

My gums were like, like, they were round.

Yeah, dude.

They were red.

That was the shit that was happening to me.

I would touch them and they would just bleed.

Me too.

Yeah.

But my doctor was hot and had like lip implants.

And they were like, what's going on?

And I'm like, I'm an artist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't get high as shit and fall asleep eating Ben and Jerry's every day.

Every day I should brush my teeth.

Yeah.

Every literally every single day.

A 30-year-old recently, quote-unquote, get into diet soda.

That may have something to do with it.

But yeah, my dentist was so hot that I did not want to ask for pain meds.

Because if I did, she would think I was a bitch and she wouldn't fuck me.

Dude, I did a I told him, man, I did that, like, group on for a whitening.

And the whitening thing, first of all, I don't even need a whitening.

You know, it's like, what?

Who cares?

Right, who gives a shit?

Yeah.

But it came free with the cleaning.

So I was like, all right, I'll do it.

They do not tell you that that shit is going to be fucking like, it's the worst pain in the world.

Damn, for real?

You can whiten it?

Well, because they put this shit on your teeth and they put a light on it.

And it's like, you have to do three 15-minute sessions in a row.

And then, like, seven minutes in, you'll just get like nerve pain in one tooth.

It's like a fucking legal.

And you're like, oh, fuck, what was that?

And it'll go away.

And you're like, all right.

They're like, yeah, that'll happen.

And then it's like...

Then another minute later, it's like another one.

And then you're like, oh, fuck.

And then it'll just go like across an entire row of teeth.

And then it's like excruciating.

That's awful.

And I did one 150-minute session, and I'm like, I don't, I'm like, does it any like they're like, we'll see how much whiter it got.

And they bring the chart out and they're like, yeah, your shit's already like as white as it's.

I mean, it can go maybe a shade or two lighter.

Yeah.

But it's fine where it is.

Yeah.

I was like, then why the fuck are you doing this?

Because you got the group on.

Well, I got the group on.

I'm like, yeah, I don't want to fucking do.

I mean, it's like not worth it to me.

Like, I wouldn't get it.

I wouldn't, I barely get my fucking hair cut.

If I went to, if it hurt to get my hair cut,

I wouldn't do it.

Right.

You know, I got you.

Yeah, no, it was.

But then it continues hurting for another 24 hours.

I remember that.

It'll just, you'll, out of nowhere, you'll get like fucking like, you know.

We did an episode where you were like, ah, every like two minutes.

It's from the ultraviolet light.

It's stuff.

I don't know what the fuck it is, but that's, that technology isn't there.

You know?

Yeah, I wanted to do a whitening before I got my tooth, you know?

Get everything a shade lighter before the news.

No, you just got to pull Deshaun Patton and just save up and get veneers.

I don't want veneers.

I'm going to get new eyeballs.

No, you're not.

Yeah, it's a couple of baby blues.

No.

We'll see if she looks soulless now.

Just all stitches and shit.

It's all fucked up.

It's just some dead guy's eyes.

Just wedges into my face.

You would look weird as shit with blue eyes.

Yeah, I would.

Probably what?

Worse or less trustworthy?

Probably.

Interesting.

Sometimes when you get people together, someone with dark features that has like randomly blue eyes, like the Bondagut,

you would look weird with blue eyes.

I have like blue-green eyes.

No one's ever looked at you.

No one gives a shit.

No, people tell me I have a lot of black.

You don't have full eyes all the time.

You don't have blue-green eyes.

Yes, I do.

What you're saying I have brown eyes.

Take it back.

Seriously.

Take it fucking back.

Yeah, they're like green-brown.

Green-brown?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of a diarrhea color.

You fuck right off.

That's sort of like a baby's shit.

That is bullshit.

That is bullshit.

Like a baby's diaper.

We've got a couple of baby diaper eyes over here.

This is the first time Adam's actually been hurt.

Yeah, I am hurt.

I have gorgeous eyes.

No, it's because he's in love with himself, though.

I'm not initializing myself.

No.

If you insult him.

You don't have the kind of eyes, though, that like...

No, I don't have crystal blue eyes.

That are striking.

Yeah.

Like in a way that someone's like, whoa, what the fuck?

Those eyes are too much.

My dad has black hair and blue eyes.

That could be, you know, that can, I suppose that can work out.

I just mean, I don't know.

Maybe because I just know you.

Like, if you had blue-ass eyes.

Because your eyes are dark.

Why don't you just get color contacts?

Because I don't actually give a shit.

Or maybe like,

because I don't really care because this started off as me cutting someone's eyes out and putting them in my head.

Why don't you get like Wes Borland from Limbiscuit?

The black, like, just get black.

The only thing I would do is, I told you, if I lose an eye, I'll get a little eight ball.

Yeah.

I think that would be sick.

That's a good tight.

That would be tight.

An eight ball with crosshairs over it.

Yeah.

And then people are like, what's that?

I'm like, you got to kill the eight ball.

Oh, what?

I'm like, I'm part of Native American.

And then they stop talking to me.

Yeah, that's smart.

Just in a bar.

Just go back to drinking.

Yeah.

What's that about?

You got to to kill the eight ball.

You got to kill the eight ball.

Where's that other?

It's a Native American.

I'm a partner.

It's a saying for the Chippewa.

Yeah.

You know the Chippewa.

I'm the Chippendale Indian.

I'm a Chip Chipperson Indian.

What's that?

That's just like a guy.

It's like a retarded guy that.

Jim Norton does.

He spun it off.

He spun it off.

There's a podcast.

He's a podcast.

To be honest with you, I have no idea what it is.

I've never listened to him.

Yeah.

Fuck.

I've wanted to shout out.

There was a fat guy that made a three-pointer.

And I wanted to shout him out as a member of the community.

What, in the NBA?

No, at Jackson State University, I believe.

I want to get his name correct.

His nickname was Snacks.

Thomas Snacks Lee.

Salute to you.

for shooting a three-pointer at the Jackson State game.

His nickname should be Sarah.

Thomas Sarawi.

Well, apparently, when he was new, I read a whole article about him.

He's the team's manager.

And they let him on the team.

And it was the last game at Senior Night.

And they let him shoot three three-pointers and he swished it.

And the way he ingratiated himself to the team was by bringing snacks to the locker room when he first got there.

So they all

fat.

He had snacks.

He provided snacks.

Yes.

You remember there was a fat quarterback for Kentucky?

What's your homepage?

Is it Fudge Report?

The Fudge stories like this?

No, I follow

a lot of basketball pages, though, and Snacks was all over basketball.

He did spiral for his three-pointer.

He did.

And he swished it, by the way.

Is Sacks developmentally disabled?

No, he's

obese.

Because a lot of the time they let

the retarded guy

play in the last game of the season.

This is like that, but with a very fat man.

And so all those, listen, all those developmentally disabled guys, they get a big story and everybody shouts them out.

But what about the regular

when you're fat as shit?

No one ever talks about

it.

He's very, he's quite a fat man.

You do if you're a fat woman.

But yeah, fat guys really don't.

So I just wanted to take this moment and say kudos to you, Thomas Snacks.

Salute.

Salud, my friend.

Do you remember when kudos came out?

I don't, actually.

Were they like granola bars?

They were chocolate.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're pretty good.

Yes, yes, I do.

Yeah.

Fuck those.

I like those.

Yeah, they were rich at the OG.

They kind of got murked by the Chewy Corporation.

Yeah, but kudos were new at one point.

Yep.

And I remember because I forget where I was.

I think in like a pool or something.

Yes, that's exactly where you would have a kudos.

Well, Z104, defunct radio station,

had something set up where they were like.

Z1043?

Was Z104?

I can't remember at all.

It was like like the top.

I never listened.

140.

I remember.

Yeah.

I don't.

I remember it sucked.

Yeah.

It was like just share and stuff.

Yes.

My,

I'm pretty sure closeted homosexual roommate in college

blasted it on our way when we to our internship.

Yeah.

But they had something set up where there was.

Maybe he's not homosexual, but he's there's something going on that he's hiding.

You could spin a wheel, like a pinwheel.

Yes.

And then one of the prizes was, I won three kudos.

Hell yeah.

And I was like, this is fucking.

And they're granola bars, so they're healthy.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It was just big-ass chocolate chips in them.

I love kudos, dude.

Dude.

That little blip in time when all of society considered granola bars with chocolate all over them.

Holy shit.

I mean, nobody knew what the fuck was healthy until like four years ago.

Yeah.

You've been just pounding Arizona iced teas and eating chocolate chips.

Yeah.

Getting the green tea when you pointed to the tea.

Yeah, right.

You're pointing to the little guy hiking on a cliff bar being like, yeah,

it's exercise.

This is what you would eat if you were on a mountain.

It's fuel.

Yeah.

Give me fuel, give me fire, give me cliff bars that I desire.

Yeah.

Cliff bars are good as shit, dude.

They are.

They're mad good.

I like the white chocolate macadamia.

I might hit up Costco after this.

I got to get more coconut water.

Respects.

You and the broken broken.

Are you on the electrolytes?

Electrolytes?

No, but I'll tell you this.

Here's a fun secret for you guys.

If I'm going to the gym, which

I had a six-month hiatus, but I'm back in the gym now.

Nice.

Most people,

I mean, it's kind of like, I don't know if it's universal, but the optimum nutrition way is sort of the

best tasting.

The good shit.

And this is not a breed.

By the way, there's no affiliation.

It's literally personal opinion.

But you get the, I think that's the double rich chocolate.

I don't know.

I just buy it on Amazon.

But if you mix it with coconut water.

Oh, yes.

You told me this.

It fucking tastes exactly like Yoohoo.

I'm so curious about this.

Yeah.

I'm going to do this with

your muscles.

Right.

And I had the ratio figured out.

It was like 200 milliliters to 10 grams.

10 grams of the whey protein to every 200 milliliters.

How much is 10 grams?

Two scoops?

No, it's like a half a scoop.

Half a scoop.

It's like not even a full half scoop.

But that's, I mean, for every 10 grams, it's 200 milliliters of coconut water.

So if you put 30 in there, then it's 600.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I put a little whisk in there, spin it up

with my hands.

And it tastes like Yoohoo.

And it tastes just like Yuho.

You mean you're saying just.

Exactly like Yoohoo.

Yoohoo.

Like

in a fucking taste test, you would not be able to decide.

We should do it all day.

I wouldn't exaggerate.

We should do the on-air taste test.

I'm not one of these fucking like, you know, it tastes just like, you know,

it just kind of tastes like it.

You're on some retarded diet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because when I diet, I go insane with it, and it's like everything should taste bad.

It's punishment.

You're reducing yourself to being an animal in a cage,

the cage of your mind and body.

I really want to just transition into having one of those podcasts.

Yeah.

You know,

my guests are a guy that goes around pretending to be a Navy SEAL.

You know.

He's just like, have you ever thought about doing karate but to yourself?

I wake up every morning and I imagine kicking my own ass.

I look in the mirror and I just think about just

kicking my ass with karate.

You piece of shit.

And that's the mentality you need to be in to start your day.

Just screaming into the mirror.

But I'm telling you, man, that Yu-Hoo tip.

Let's do a live taste test.

Let's see if I can

next week, a Monday, we're going to do it.

Oh, I'm out of coconut water.

Well, you'll go to Costco this weekend, and then Monday we'll have our Yoo-Hoo

challenge.

Do they still make Yoohoo?

Yes.

Yeah.

What are you retarded?

I don't see it.

What are you immediately?

What do you mean you don't see it?

Where do you see it?

Do you go into Bodegas?

You know what's fucking gay?

I don't see that.

They changed the Orangina bottle now to look like.

They never needed to.

They kept it the same.

They were a sexy bottle.

They kept it the same way for so long that it became an iconic

fucking brand.

Curvaceous.

And then as soon as people were like, you know what's cool?

The Orangina bottle, they were like, let's go fucking crazy.

What does it look like now?

It looks stupid.

It looks like everything else.

That sucks.

That's plastic.

It's not glass anymore.

It's not that glass Hershey kiss shape.

I used to love oranges.

Dude, and you felt classy drinking.

Yeah, you felt like a French friend.

When I was a little kid, going to the beer store with my dad and getting my orangina was like a fucking highlight of the day.

Absolutely.

Every morning, he's getting

drive me to school.

Yeah.

He's getting a little swerving.

Swerving.

Give me fuel.

Suck my penis.

Let me suck onto your penis.

You know what I love about the beer store, too is the little blimps.

What do you mean?

The inflatable

blood light on them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, those were awesome.

Well, they're supposed to be like, I was like, man, I can't wait until I'm a grown-up and I'm drinking this.

And I'm drinking this.

Oh, yeah, and I'm here all the time as well.

I hope I get this disease from my father.

And the good news is, we all do.

Yep.

We all get the same problems.

Yep.

As hard as we try to be different,

we just ultimately become that.

Give me fuel, suck my penis, let me suck onto your penis.

Just changing the lyrics of that in conflict.

People are like, what?

This isn't trash, whoever the fuck.

It's a Metallica.

Yeah.

Give me fuel, give me penis.

Let me suck onto your penis.

This isn't Metallica.

Fuck, I'm about to go to JFK.

I already feel myself making a slutty airport decision.

What are you going to get?

I don't know.

It depends.

Isn't that always a fun moment where you're like in your area and you're like, how much time do I have?

What's around?

You feel like you get, it's like a scavenger hunt for the best meal possible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do laps and I'm just satisfied with all the options.

And I like going to LaGuardia because they have that whole stealing area.

I love the stealing area.

Yeah.

They put in self, because it used to be there was a counter that was like so far away from all the shit that it was like, please just steal whatever you want.

And now they put in self-checkout, which is like, just let it

stop.

Well, what I've taken to doing is

while I wait for like a sandwich or something there, I eat two kind bars.

Yeah.

Just while waiting.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

You just have your whole meal in the area.

You can, in that little buffet

that's attended to by like one Bangladeshi woman.

Oh, yeah.

In the Jet Blues area.

The food hall.

No.

They have one in the Jet Blue zone.

No, you don't know what we're talking about.

It's before you get to either terminal.

It's like before C and D.

Yeah, you're right.

C and D.

Oh, it looks like it's Delta Terminal 2.

Yep.

It's between the two Delta terminals.

Yeah.

I think one other.

Somebody else.

But I see.

I'm excited about JFK because I know LaGuardia.

I know what I'm getting there.

The JFK sucks.

JFK sucks.

Really?

JFK is a garbage airport.

It's not as bad as it's extremely fucking big.

But it's the Delta.

It takes like an hour to get through security.

Yeah, but I think Delta is in the international terminal.

They have their own dedicated terminal, and then they also, like,

most times when I take Delta from JFK, it's the same thing.

But the last time I took Delta from JFK, the food situation was good, I remember.

Oh, I don't know.

But I don't remember specifically why I thought that.

Anyway, anyway.

Hopefully, there's a Chick-fil-A.

Do they have those in airports?

Oh, yeah.

Are you kidding me?

I haven't seen one.

You don't fly enough, brother.

I haven't seen one in JFK.

I've been road dogging it this last year, and believe me, they're in there.

Well, I guess more in the south, I guess.

Give me a few.

Let me see your penis.

I'm fucking up.

They also, in the south,

they always have that burrito place, that southern burrito place, Moe's.

Southern burritos, yeah.

Look how fat snacks is, dude.

Oh, he's mad fat.

He's fat as shit.

Let me see him.

He rules, dude.

The crowd was chanting, Snacks, Snacks, Snacks, Snacks.

Let me see how fat this guy is.

Oh, yeah.

That man is fat, bro.

He looks thinner than you.

No.

Stop.

What number is he?

90?

35.

Yeah.

They should have given him a number of five.

I mean, he literally looks.

No, he's stuffed into his uniform.

Okay.

Yeah, but I mean, if you had those clothes on.

I would look similar, yes.

But not fatter.

Yeah.

Shouts out to snacks.

That looks really fun.

I wish I hit a three.

Me too.

I had a couple layups in middle school.

All right, well, I gotta catch this flight.

All right, have a good trip.

Thank you for listening, everyone.

Bernie

can still win.

Fuck Lee's because of Warren.

Well, who knows?

Let's see what she does soon.

But yeah, probably fine.

Keep supporting Bernard.

Fuck Joe Biden.

I want the World War II so bad.

I'm again into Indian TikTok.

I guess we'll say that's good.

Yeah, we got a lot of episodes to do.

Come to we have Funny Moms

on the 9th.

On the 9th.

Go to stabby.biz slash tour to see me.

Again, tomorrow, Phoenix.

And then Friday, Tucson.

And then I'm in

Dublin at the Sugar Club on the 29th.

And I'm at the Soho Theater in in London the 31st of March through the 4th of April.

I don't give a fuck about this fucking disease.

If I'm going to get it, I'm going to get it eating fish and chips.

So I'm going to be there.

Having a chance.

And then we're going to Australia.

Cometown.events.

Come town.events.

For all of the shows.

Coronavirus, I'm going to die like Arthur.

That'd be pretty tough.

You keep wanting to die like Arthur.

But Arthur dies heroically.

I am a hero to many.

You're fucking Micah.

You're just some hating-ass bitch.

Wow, dude.

He called you Micah.

Yeah, Yeah, you're Micah.

All right, Adam's Micah.

Goodbye, everybody.

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