Ep. 198 – Losing Track

And

we're back.

We took a little

siesta.

We all nap together.

California King, would it be comfortable for us to all nap in there?

I might get a king bed, dude.

I've never

deserved it.

You have a full right now?

Yeah.

Oh, you got to go queen at least.

I have a fool right now, but I want to figure out a situation where I get a queen.

Well, that bedroom's huge.

Huge.

And it's like,

maybe it's the time of my life where,

you know,

it's like

I took a year off from blowing money on dumb shit.

And we're back.

And we're back.

When I say I took a year off, I mean I did not.

Yeah.

You took maybe two weeks.

A couple weeks.

Two weeks right around the street card, though.

Mm-hmm.

Nah, it's time to do it.

It's very hard not to buy dumb shit.

That's the whole point of our life.

Whenever you want something, you get it.

As soon as the Patreon went over like $2,000, I was like, I'm going to keep working on the truck.

I'm not going to touch any of this money.

All of it's going to be saved.

And then the first time I got like seamless.

I mean, something now that I don't even consider.

It's not even an extra patent I am.

Right.

Like fucking toilet paper that has words on the label.

The first time I did that.

Oh, dude.

It was like.

When you get the comfy shit.

Yeah.

You can't go.

The most expensive one at a store.

The first time you purchase that toilet paper.

Within three months, you're like, yeah, right.

I'm going to buy silverware at Target.

Sure.

No thanks, Val.

I need stamped brass forks.

Dude, I just watched a movie you guys did not like, but I watched King of Gangs of New York again.

And I want to live the way the fucking the Shemmerhorns live, dude.

The Irish?

No, the uptown rich people.

Skirmerhorns.

Skirmerhorns.

Yeah.

The way the wasn't the train named after them?

Yeah.

The station.

Yeah, the stop.

Hoyd Street.

Hoyt Skirmerhorn.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude, they had some fun.

I don't even remember that part of the movie.

They just fuck up.

They just go there for a second.

Stop was watching The Nick, and he just told him that.

I watch Gangs of New York because Bill the Butcher is there.

It's Gangs of New York, and it's just Home Alone 2.

And it's the old man.

No, I like his story.

turtle, the turtle dove old man.

I like his mother.

This must be the bad guy.

Yeah, and I understand this must be the skirmish.

This must be a name I've heard.

Was that movie historically?

I think it was.

Was Bill the Butcher a guy?

Yeah.

That's what's cool about it.

You're learning history, man.

Yeah, but it's all they just took names and then fucking moved them all around.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, it's still cool.

Bill the Butcher wasn't actually Daniel Day-Lewis.

Are you fucking serious?

Yeah, it was a different guy.

That was a different guy.

Yeah, named Bill the Butcher.

Yeah, Daniel De-Lewis.

Daniel De-Lewis is an actor, though, he was.

Well, that's interesting.

Look how quickly the cat ran over to be pet by me as soon as it saw

it saw an opportunity to be pet by the master.

Right.

It won't happen.

You don't understand the power I have over this beast.

Hey, Catty Boy.

No, don't.

You've discovered the secret in calling her catty boy.

Hey, Catty Boys.

Rup, Rup.

Are you speaking Greek?

Is that how they talk to cats?

You guys share equal social status

with women with the homosexuals who live down by the docks.

With the rent boys,

those guys have earned a place to pay

to just put ropes in their ass down by the docks and then

move their hips and pull up the ferry boats

making knots in their colon by moving their hips around

the hands on their hips.

Yeah.

Oh, there you go.

Come here, bitch.

No, no, that means that she's warming up.

Yeah.

She rubs her side against.

That's what Adam does.

I rub my side against.

He starts rubbing his nose against

20-year-old women, and he goes, have you ever heard of Wong Kar Wai?

It's a Chinese filmmaker that's on Criterion.

That's pretty cool.

Adam definitely had it.

I'm not answering that question because then Nick would be like, you can't resist

But even in saying that you're impossible

I'm ahead of you

that's what it is

he's still trying to show people that he knows something I don't know who wants to be

the way you would get him

tell me yeah

well I don't even trust this advice

Continue.

I think you should trust it.

It's too late.

There's already too much uh there's too much pulled out of the lake.

Okay, well not that I wanted the advice, but thank you on the long car why, but you get him by, you have to just get some piece of information wrong.

Let it slide.

Yeah, you let it slide.

You can't let him think that you're doing it on purpose.

Yeah.

Because then at that point, he wouldn't be able to.

Yes.

He would have no choice.

If I said he was a Korean filmmaker.

Right.

That made a couple of movies that Adam liked.

Look at him.

Fidgeting.

I'm not fidgeting.

That's Adam hitting his jewel against the phone case.

Yeah.

Am I wrong, though?

Adam, am I wrong?

What's that?

I wasn't listening.

Oh.

That's my new strategy.

No, that would have gotten you.

Listening even worse.

Yeah.

Juan Carway, huh?

Yeah.

Juan Carlos.

Juan Carlos.

Juan Carlos.

He's called in the time for a nap.

What's Juan Carway's cinema like?

The 4 Loco Express.

The 4 Loco Express, that's cool.

Or I guess what would it be?

The Chimichanga Express?

Yeah, that's better.

Why is it with the Wanton Express?

Got him.

I wasn't flexing.

I wasn't flexing.

Got him.

Ladies and gentlemen.

We got him.

We got him.

The Sean King Express.

Now we're doing that meme.

What meme?

Don't they use that song?

What song?

Remember that 4th of July we had a couple years ago where you thought like 10 people were going to come to your apartment and then we had to eat like 10 people.

Oh yeah, me, you and Peter Mooth were just eating fucking.

But Mooth wasn't there for the first half.

We just ended up

going to Mooth's apartment to take pictures of your penis on the roof.

Prior to that, it was just me and you eating like just a bunch of sausage.

We got like 40 sausages and I had a little ass grill.

The little grill grill out on the patio that barely held anything.

Was it a fire escape?

No, it's a patio.

No, it was a real patient.

Oh, your fire escapes are for girls.

That's who you have to do.

You get to smoke cigarettes with their feet perched up.

Yeah.

They're like, I just had

last night.

I'm going out the barcade to get raped.

I don't know that that's necessarily.

Yeah.

I don't know that that's necessary.

The conversation

is in a pool to get raped.

No, they're not saying that.

And me and my rapists are

going to Kellogg diner to share a black and white cookie.

I don't believe

that's what's going on in Fire Escape.

Take the L-train out to Rape Central.

My favorite place in the world.

And you would think that they wouldn't go there because of the name.

It's pretty dumb of them.

It's a girl who weighs 80 pounds and is covered in bed bug bites.

Oh, fuck.

Goddamn, bed bugs are really.

Her legs look like Stav's arms.

Beautiful.

No,

lustrous.

Whatever the cigarette burns are.

I have a couple bug bites that got infected while I was in Greece.

But the thing is, that's part of my beauty.

Our imperfections are what make us beautiful, Nick.

And that's what you don't seem to understand.

The Greeks understood classical beauty.

That's true.

You jacked with a little ass.

Your people would actually completely disagree with you.

Oh, wow.

He is your own personality.

The ancients would, but look at beautiful Greek civilization right now.

Yeah, it's not, that doesn't exist.

Come on.

Of course it exists.

You get a coffee and you chill with your boys for like five hours.

You cat call a Serbian nurse

who's there.

You're an old man trying to get your dick sucked by your nurse.

Hello, nurse.

Yeah, you say stuff like that, but in Greek.

You know, you shoot, you throw rocks at.

It'd be funny to start saying that to women.

Just going around wearing a propeller beanie.

Yeah.

Be like, hello, nurse.

That's like a 1940s Puah kind of thing.

And they stop, then they give you, they put a camera in your face to do a stop harassment thing.

And you're like, I'm disabled.

Yeah.

And they're like, what's how so?

And you're like, I have Wuhan.

People get really mad if you call it Wuhan.

I've gone retarded from Wuhan.

From the unchecked Wuhan virus hath made my chromosomes more.

It's COVID-19.

Corona.

What's the single

thing?

What's the cool guy opinion this week that it's not a big deal at all or that it's a very big deal?

I think people are starting to think it's a big deal.

Yeah, so that's the new cool guy take on coronavirus.

I'm still not scared, and maybe I should be, but I don't care.

Yeah, who gives a shit, right?

I'm trying to get it like

anything else.

Yeah, just show.

I was telling you, here's the perfect thing.

We get it in Australia.

Yeah.

Cancel all the shows, but we're hanging out on

Briz Vegas.

We're hanging out we get quarantined that hotel

kick everybody else out that hotel rock we use the pool no one else can use it because we're sick we get heroin no I don't want to do heroin I want to I want to have like what do we have like a burger over there

like Chinese food no the food in Bris Vegas was dog shit no Saab and I had a nice burger I remember I went to the burger was good across the street from that was a shockingly good burger it was a pretty good burger you know what I think I we that was the last place we went that was where we We were there.

Yeah.

That was okay.

But fucking, I went up the street awful.

I'll say this.

Where do we have Chinese?

I had lunch

twice in Brisbane the entire time I was there.

So two restaurants.

Out of that, 50% failure rate.

So I will say, as an entire city, the food is failed.

After two lunches?

Yeah.

No, we went and got lunch at some place that had like sliders or something.

It was fucking like revolting

to the extent that I couldn't even have more than like one bite.

because you go places and the food sucks it was really good in Sydney and Melbourne of course yeah and we will be there at what when is it in April in April Cometown.events damn come to events hopefully as well I can't wait till these shows over and it's just a pleasant memory what shit the tour oh yeah all the touring coming up

and then it's summer you don't want to do it you just want it to be a memory yeah I mean I don't want to I'm the opposite I like doing it and I hate when it's I don't like thinking about it when it's over really Yeah.

I love being on the road.

Although I had a bunch of fun this last go run.

I guess I enjoy thinking about it, but I miss it.

Oh, I'll be in fucking London and Dublin.

Come see me then, motherfuckers.

I'm at the fucking Sugar Club in Dublin.

Blondon?

No, Dublin.

That's what it is.

Where you take a shit?

Take a shit at the top of Ireland.

You take a shit while walking around London.

Oh, that's good.

Nice classical Blundin.

I'm going to get them, dude.

I'm going to to prank them, dude, with a blundin.

I'm doing a blundin', right?

You got to do a GoPro video.

I'm going to do a Blundin right there.

Go to the Piccadilly circuit.

The top ass stores are shooting or something.

I'm going to go in front of those guys.

The guys with the fuzzy hats.

Wait a minute.

Somebody's calling Donna Blundin.

Boy.

One of the Yanks.

What are you one of the Yanks?

Donna Blundin again.

That's me.

This is for fucking Princess Diana.

And then I shit all over Buckingham Palace.

You know how that happened.

She was in the car and she's like, you know what would be funny if we all did blundins right now.

She deserved it.

And they did it and the driver's like, the smell, miss.

Oh, the smell.

It's making me crash into a wall.

I'll have to crash into a wall to get rid of a smell from multiple royal blundings.

That's right.

And it was at that moment that Queen Elizabeth put her sniper rifle away because she realized the blundin'

was going to be a little bit of a dirty,

and she didn't even have to get her hands dirty.

She was laying down in a fucking pink dress with a fucking sniper rifle, aimed at fucking Muhammad, whatever the guy's name was.

Dodi Al-Fayed.

Dodi Al-Fayed.

Wow, I wonder.

I'll just look.

That one was beautiful because you could argue that the Chinese filmmaker we were talking about, that was too much to get Adam cleanly, but that was clean.

Well, you said you saying a guy's name was clean.

Yeah, what did Nick say?

You get something wrong.

His name was.

And you have to believe it.

And who are you going to believe more?

Me, who constantly gets things wrong and doesn't give a fuck?

Like me.

Or Nick.

Loki.

Well, see, Nick, Nick is

a trickster.

And I'm Thor.

Nick is the pussy.

He's strong, handsome.

He gets pussy.

No, you're

Thor.

The eternal prankster.

Tricking him into raping.

She loves you.

Do it.

And then I'm just, I'm dancing in the back of the courtroom.

And only you can see me.

This is me and a bunch of fairies dancing around the courtroom.

Like a fucking purple leothard.

Yeah, just prancing around.

Nobody can see me.

Except the defendant.

She loved you.

You believed me.

You believed me.

I wouldn't lie.

Off to the woods.

Anyway, that's me with antlers.

March 29th, I'm in Dublin.

And March 31st through the 4th, I'm at the Soho Theater doing Dublins all over the blundins all over this motherfucker.

Buy tickets right now, please.

I will be there.

I don't think, you know, whatever.

I got a really cheap flight through Italy.

It's going to be awesome.

Oh, shit.

I'm kidding.

I'm doing direct.

Yeah, there's all these fucking deals.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude, I'm going to finally see Vatican City.

Oh, dude.

Actually, you should go to Israel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To see Israel.

Have you been?

Oh, yeah.

Birthright.

Yeah.

How many times have you been?

I'm planning a trip.

I'm going to China.

I'm doing that.

That's back on now.

I'm not scared of the virus.

And then I'm going to go see Israel.

Because I feel like it's

finally time to squash the beef.

Yeah.

Between you and the country, Israel.

So I'm going on a handshaking and face-kissing tour of China.

And then napkin-eating tour of China.

And then I'm visiting Israel.

Yep, yeah, to do a

kind of a money sneezing.

A piece.

That's how we do it, dude.

Wow, it's a

message.

Just factories full of Chinese people

sneezing on gels.

Yeah,

it'd be funny to just set up the paperwork

to start a Chinese birthright tour company now.

This week.

Just look at it.

Israel's like, why are you?

What is the reason for doing these?

Like, I just think Chinese people should be able to.

They should see the West Virginia.

What about all the Chinese Jews, dude?

Yeah, you never think about them.

The Chinese diaspora.

You know?

Oh, yeah.

They're just,

they're squinting from their allergies.

Oh, so they're actually, they're so Jewish.

They're just allergic.

They're squinting so hard.

They became Chinese.

They're just allergic to the other Chinese people who are ethnically cats.

Interesting.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah, that's a good plan.

My favorite part of my culture is our food

on Christmas.

Right?

Sounds like a good one.

We do enjoy our own food

on Christmas.

Yes.

Which is

Chinese food.

Our people.

Jews did go off with that one.

That's a great Christmas.

Thank you, Starbros.

I love that Christmas.

Chinese in a movie?

Come on.

What's better than that?

Opening presents and having the love of Jesus in your heart.

Being with your family.

No, fuck my family.

Fuck Jesus.

And hugging your family and knowing that one day Jesus will return and we will walk with him while everyone else perishes for Muhan.

Dude,

some fucking freaks are going to isolate that and what you just said and just play it over and over to themselves.

What, on Christmas?

No, just be like, yeah,

Nick's religious like me.

Nick believes in God like I do.

I think those people are done.

Are the internet Christians?

Internet Catholics.

Catholics, yeah.

No, the people that think I agree with them.

Oh, the racists.

Or anybody.

Yeah, I think you're a free agent at this point.

Yeah, they've settled down.

Yeah, you're Leon the professional.

Oh, really?

You're hired, gone.

You're going to fuck a child like Leon in the unedited cut of this.

That's why I brought it up.

I was thinking about something, though.

I did see a video where a guy confronts his pedophile,

his childhood molester.

Damn.

But the pedophile is a black dude, which is so weird because, you know, that's a rarity.

You know, that's like a, that's a, that's like a holographic pedophile.

I don't think it's shiny.

Some of our most high-profile pedophiles.

I mean, on tape.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You know, you weren't seeing those guys on Tocatch a Predator.

Sure.

Yeah.

Even the industry even got them out.

But anyway.

It was before diversity.

They're like, we need some women pedophiles.

There's too many white guys pedophiles.

Or you watch the video and then it's like, you know, he's a pedophile, but as a black guy, he's still way cooler than all of us.

Than the guy, right?

You know, it's like, you molested me, man.

Or whatever.

And he's like, nah, come on.

Come on.

Come on, play.

Come on, playboy.

No.

Nah, I ain't trying, man.

Nah, chill with all that.

Nah.

That's nasty.

Damn.

Who was the guy?

Who was the guy confronting him?

Yeah.

Meanwhile, I'm on a plane.

Someone's like, I think

you're in my seat.

And I'm like,

are you sure?

I think you're in my seat, and you're playing that video about a pedophile without headphones.

I'm watching.

Sorry.

Was it a white guy that got molested?

No, it was another gentleman of.

Oh, okay.

Another black guy.

Yeah.

Another gentleman of being black.

If we catch Madrid.

I do, yeah.

I caught it.

He was an African-American gentleman.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

So, in a situation where you confront your molester,

really, shouldn't you just beat.

If you can't beat the fuck out of them, why even bother?

I don't know.

Maybe it reclaims your agent.

It's a viral video.

Oh, yeah, you put it on a video.

I mean, yeah, let's get the video out of here.

If you had gotten molested.

Well, the guy's threatening him, and he's like, you know, I'm going to see you later or something.

So I'm sure he would.

Who the molester?

No, the victim.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

The special victim.

I think you should get.

I think you should get.

That's what they're called.

Special victims.

Yes, they are.

That's what they make.

That's why when a woman says...

Wow, what if a retarded guy gets raped?

When a woman says they're extra special.

Is it double special?

Oh, I was sexually assaulted.

I say, oh, I didn't realize you were a special victim.

And they're like, why are you saying it?

It's supposed to make you feel better.

Why are you smiling at the end of that sentence?

Like, I'm thinking about something.

Something about SSO.

You see it every single one order.

It was another, it was something from earlier that somebody said.

I'm sorry that I thought of it right when you mentioned your assault.

But it has nothing to do with that.

It was something about

Cookie Monster.

I was remembering something funny from Sesame.

Cookie Monster ate a bunch of cookies.

He ate a bunch of cookies.

Someone told him not to, and he was like, oh, no problem.

Anyways, that's why I'm smiling.

Just remembered a classic sketch from Sesame.

Oh, some sketch comedy.

Yeah.

And we were in a golden era.

I'm thinking.

Yeah, I was laughing when you mentioned your assault because I was remembering the show Whose Line Is It Anyways?

Colin Mockriy.

I remember Colin Mockri pretending to be gay.

Yeah, I remember Wayne Brady pretending a big piece of foam was the thing it was shaped like.

Yeah.

Wow, it's a giant magnet.

Oh,

a giant

C-shaped piece of foam is a telephone.

Wow.

Classic.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was thinking about Colin Mockri having

the other guy's arms behind in front of him with his arms behind his audience.

Yeah,

that was always a really funny one.

It got kind of,

I don't think you could do that one in a post-MeToo world.

Can you think of someone's cock is way too close to your ass?

I don't think.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with being a woman's arms in this day.

You wouldn't want to feel her tits on your back?

See, in my case,

I would do it the other way.

The audience would be the arms or the.

No,

the audience is definitely the arms.

Oh, okay.

Well, in that case, I'd let a woman.

Feel some fucking tits on your shoulder blades.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

One of my favorite situations, in fact.

And they replaced, but like Greg Proops OS said for a while.

He was one of the

weird hosting items.

It was Drew Carey.

Drew Carey hosted it initially.

No, but it was like a black lady who wasn't even like

what's her name, Aisha Taylor?

Liz Thigpen.

Who's that?

The chief from Where in the World Is Garment San Diego.

Yeah.

Who's a black woman?

Detectives!

Your sketch prompt is this.

That's a crazy poll.

What, Liz Thigpen?

The black cop from Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Well, it's TV show hosts.

It's a black woman that's either her or Oprah.

Those are the only two that have been.

No, it was.

I want to say Aisha Tyler, Taylor.

Yeah.

She's hot.

She's hot.

She was in that Kanye West video.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She was also on Friends.

When people bitch it, there's nothing amount of Black women that host TV shows, I'm like, excuse me, what about Liz Thigpen?

You want to shut up now?

Yeah.

Damn, she is hot as fuck.

Who's lying?

Aisha Taylor, who's lying?

Yep.

Yes.

She hosted it, which is weird.

Did she do improv?

I didn't know she was a comedian.

Aisha Tyler is an American actress comedian.

Sorry, it's Lynn Thigpen.

Lynn.

Lynn Thigpen.

Is she hot?

She was a cartoon.

I don't know.

Oh, Aisha Tyler also was the voice of Lana in Archer.

And I wanted to fuck that cartoon.

That's a hot cartoon.

I think we can all agree on that.

I never watched that.

Come on.

Honestly, a lot of the cartoons in

Archer were fuckable.

They made them pretty fucking hot.

Even the lady, the BBW, they drew her with very round tits, which is nice.

Okay,

Lynn Thigpen, take it away.

Take it away, boys.

Is it starting?

It's I think it's just images.

Oh, yeah, I remember her.

What the hell is this, dude?

YouTube is so weird, dude.

I told you,

I found there was like a tribute video to...

She's a Tony Award winner.

Best Featured Actress in a Play, An American Daughter.

Yeah.

Very good.

Very good for me.

I like the subcategory of tribute videos on YouTube.

Like slideshows that people made on iMovie.

I remember someone made one for Robin Williams after he killed himself.

Sets

a Tupac song.

I think Life Goes Off.

Lynn Thickping joins me now.

You'll recognize her for her television.

She got her start

on Broadway.

Charlie Rose.

And 10 types of what she received at Tony nominate.

Lynn, great job on the show tonight.

I was wondering if you wanted to come to my hotel room.

I can show you

a video the color purple.

It doesn't matter.

Just come up to my hotel room.

I wanted to introduce you to the Sabian machine.

Yo, Charlie Rose probably has some incredibly red balls.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very red balls.

She's back on the stage these days starring in the revival of Athol Fugard's play, Muzman and Yana.

I love how you have to do the Charli Rose smile while he's introducing you.

It always cuts to them, and then they're always like...

I think he's doing a pretty good face.

Yeah, it's perfect.

In fact, unfortunately, everyone has to make that face on Charlie Rose while he fucking meanders through your current.

You slightly nod.

You slightly nodded.

The shit-eating grin on your face while Charlie Rose

is like, yeah, author of the pamphlet How Not to Get AIDS in San Francisco and

esteemed

the sexual prowess of my guests tonight.

Needs no introduction as he has molested

you're too kind.

Thank you.

Thank you, Charlie.

Yeah, I have molested.

You're watching Charlie Hose,

and the premise of this show is: I pull my penis out on the show.

Oh, Hose is in.

He's cocky.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice.

I'm Charlie Hose.

Yeah.

Good evening.

I'm Charlie Hose, and my guest tonight is any woman.

Whoever wants to come up from the audience

is the anyone who would like to be sexually assaulted by Charlie Hose.

In this black room that looks like infinity.

It looks like we're in space right now.

Our guest tonight.

Fat pig Amos Schumer.

Author of the book, Pig Comedians, and how...

Stop, don't bite me.

Not while I'm riffing.

Wow, the cat's mad at your friends.

Well,

sexist.

Yeah, yeah.

Tirating.

The cat loves I feel pretty.

I'll guess not as big fat lady idiot.

Girl, idiot and shitty joke Steven piece of shit.

I'm just kidding.

I don't know.

I was doing a bit there.

I don't know.

He was on the ONA subreddit.

Oh, yeah.

Charlie Hose, definitely.

Charlie Hose is a big Patrice O'Neal fan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I actually don't really care about two of them, but the two of them together on that interview when she threw Kurt under the bus, and then also two weeks later, he got me too.

Is I mean, I guess it was probably like a year later, but do you remember that?

No, I just remember the clip of her talking about Kurt on the show.

Yeah, she went on Charlie Rose and threw Kurt under the bus.

Oh, fuck, really?

Yeah, because she had like a book.

She had like a fucking book coming out that week.

So she's like, you know, Kurt, I care about him.

First of all, what the fuck are you doing discussing Kurt Metzger on Charlie Rose?

Like, it's not just some Facebook drama between literally open micers and Kurt.

But, anyways,

oh, yeah, I forgot why that was going on.

Yeah, it was because Kurt Murray.

Aaron,

you know, I don't know, posted something about how you should call the police instead of going to CB management.

His Facebook was popping for a while.

Why did he pop off on Facebook so much?

Because he's a professional comedian and he comments on things.

Because he's like one of the better comedians, if not like top five in New York, especially at the time.

At the time, yeah.

One of the best comedians.

I mean, he's still very funny.

Why not?

Who the fuck cares?

It was his

platform he liked.

Yeah, he liked saying, I mean, you say shit.

You could write longer stuff on there.

I don't really say anything, honestly.

Tim used to be a Facebook guy too.

That's true.

Tim used to.

And the problem isn't

the platform.

I mean,

who cares where he said it?

I guess the, I mean, sometimes the problem is the platform.

I think it's because he's better than Facebook is what I'm saying.

What Sav was saying, I think, is that he was winning Emmys, like writing.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Why are you on Facebook?

Shut up and not say something if it, like, if you feel like it's not.

I just mean Facebook is getting.

Yeah, I'm saying shut up.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying Facebook sucks dick.

Anyways, very funny that Charlie Rose was me too shortly after.

Literally fucking sexually assaulting people.

And Amy Schumer as well.

Is there anything else bad you want to say about Kurt?

What's his name again?

Let me check.

Let me hear Matt's name again.

Sorry.

Rot before I go to do some raping.

I unlock my phone with my cock.

Do you think they have the technology where you can aim your penis?

Yeah, like a dick print technology, like fingerprint technology?

Or the front of your cock?

Do you think dick heads are as different?

Well, it depends what kind of print apparatus you got.

Do you think a dick print would be as different as a thumb print?

Yeah, I think a thumb print is probably more unique.

How many ridges do you have on your penis?

What do you mean, one?

With the helmet?

Do you think you have any ridges the on the top of your cock what are you doing what are you talking about like a klingon's head no you got a wharf on your dick no like if you press your cock would it just look like you pressed your arm what do you mean i have no idea what you're saying if you ink

like it's a thumbprint

if you ink your your dick head and press it down i think it's i got a smooth helmet buddy my thumb i think so too i'm just saying am i missing something my thumb my thumb is uh yeah i guess you're right got a lot of circles.

I guess the finger does have a lot more circles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think the penis is the same.

But maybe there's bumps or something.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe.

We've talked about the asshole before, right?

Like you could with the asshole.

I think, yeah, we looked it up.

There are no two assholes that are the same.

But no one's committing crimes with their assholes, you know?

Yeah, so speak for yourself, pal.

Yeah, my guest tonight is Dr.

Juan Latrobe, inventor of the asshole identification system,

used by the FBI and frequent consultant on the show Law and Order SBU.

Thank you for joining us.

It's a pleasure to be here, Charlie.

Tell us what excites you most about looking at assholes through magnifying glasses, an activity most of us would find disgusting.

I just love science.

I fucking love science.

You see, yeah, you see, Charlie.

It all started when I subscribed to the Facebook group, I fucking love Science.

And also, it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm gay.

And I would like to look at it.

And that's kind of it.

That's kind of my origin story from the whole thing.

That's my superhero origin.

That's kind of my superhero story.

My guest tonight is astrophysicist and black genius, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

And Genius Black Division.

Yeah.

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

My guest tonight is esteemed black genius Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Oh, thank you.

You didn't need to say it that way.

Thanks.

He's just got like just a band-aid over his mustache.

That's never explained.

That's just a throwaway visual joke during the Charlie Rose.

Just like a Hello Kitty band-aid on his mustache.

Over the whole thing?

He's asking.

Over the whole thing.

Because he got Mewtwo'd or something, and so we haven't heard from him in a while.

It's not.

And Charlie's like, it's good to see you again.

You seem to be in high spirits.

You seem to be doing well.

He's got a hell of a pussy eating injury

on his mustache.

The bitch stole my mustache.

Wasn't Charlie Rose going to do a show where it's like he interviews people that got me too'd or something?

No, I think that's a joke you heard someone do at a comedy show.

Like the Me Too zone.

There is no chance that was not just somebody's premise at a show that you were ignoring their set, and then your brain, your stupid brain, convinced you that it was real.

That it was news.

It sounds like, I don't know, that sounds like something like a link.

Maybe the Blaze would do that.

Is that the

what's his name thing?

No, that's the shit that Tomy Lorra was on.

They've been joining us now to talk about a play that is not only about apartheid, but it's also about the relationship between men and women, and we want to explore that.

Welcome.

Thank you.

It's a pleasure.

Tony definitely wants to explore that.

Tell me about this play.

Charlie,

why it is

three characters.

He's so shitty at asking questions.

So you're in a play.

So tell me about it.

Now, explain to us what a character is.

And do plays have directors?

Is it like a movie?

What's the difference between a play and a movie?

Liz Thigpen, five seconds.

Dude, that was his opening question.

So tell us about the play, and it's got characters.

Yeah.

And that show was on for 400 years.

He's so shitty at interviews.

We should fuck his ass up.

Does he live in New York?

Yeah, he probably does.

They should just give his show to me.

That would be cool.

The guy that's done everything but rape.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

All the other crimes.

Yeah.

That's Loki.

The trickster god of public television.

Wife, stranger comes in,

dirt poor, yet there is something elemental about the relationships.

Tell me what attracted you to it and what it says to us.

Basically, the truth is,

even though it follows through in their head, basically,

Booseman.

Yena says, Yena is an embodiment of all existential dilemma.

Who am I?

Where am I?

How did I get here?

Where did I go from here?

What is my life about?

Those questions, as Boozman describes him, who, what, when, where, why,

all your stupid, bloody questions.

Yeah, yeah.

Busman doesn't want to ask those questions.

They're too hard.

But, Liet.

Also, too, like, this, look at the size of this table that he uses.

This is like a dinner table for a family of 18.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's at a conference table in that black.

Should we become friends with Charlie Rose?

No.

Post me too, Charlie Rose?

Just try and teach him about the world.

You know, rehabilitate him.

Have him on the pod.

I mean, yeah.

Ask him if he's.

fucked anyone recently.

Wait, so what did he do?

He raped or he was dangling his nuts out of a kimono.

He emails subordinates to come over to his crib and ask them if they wanted to go swimming.

Just imagine, this is what the world was before Rogan.

Yeah.

Because you'd have to watch Charlie Rose.

Yeah.

It's true.

To listen to an hour of, like, you know, the guy who came up with the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile

tell you what he thinks of Joe Biden.

Because we don't want to admit that we do want things like that.

Yes.

Clearly we do.

Of course.

I would watch that.

I would watch it right now.

Be like, very good to have you here, Mr.

Wienamobile.

Yeah, man.

But

no more Chuck Rose.

Oh, speaking of important figures of history and what they think of Joe Biden, actually, it brings me no pleasure to report.

that Thomas Snacks,

whatever the fuck his last name is.

The fact that they hit the

three-pointer is a Biden supporter.

He gave like a speech when Biden came to visit his college.

Oh, my God.

So that hurts, man.

Maybe he just likes the name corn pop.

That's true.

Those are good.

Corn pops?

Pops, yeah.

They're not good, but they're like

corners.

They're very good dry cereals.

They are good dry cereals.

That's a great point.

Eating them right out of the box.

They're a top eating them out of the box cereal.

With milk, it doesn't make any sense.

No.

Because Because they come stay up.

Yeah, they sort of become like styrofoam that's saturated with liquid when they're fucking in.

But straight out of the box?

You get your hand all sticky.

Well, they have that weird layer of syrup over top of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're a fucking strange cereal, man.

They are.

For psychopaths, really.

Do they still make corn nuts?

Corn nuts I fuck with, actually.

Corn nuts are good.

You You must be out your damn mind.

Boy, you must be out your motherfucking mind.

Boy, you must be out your goddamn mind.

There was a cereal.

Trying to put corn nuts in the cereal bowl.

Come, we're talking about cereal over here.

This boy come in saying, I remember cornnuts.

I remember connuts.

Saying I got my name.

Yo, I remember connuts.

My boyfriend bought them for me.

Is that me being a gay black man?

Yeah, let's see.

This boy came in here talking about look at my baby nuts.

Oh, is that little baby nuts talking about corn nuts?

No, he said corn nuts, but he do got, he do be having baby nuts.

He do be having baby nuts, though.

Just another day of Adam at the barbershop.

Okay, Clarence.

Okay, Clarence.

That's enough, pal.

No, he's a Chinese filmmaker.

Well, I got, I actually.

This man watching Chinese movies.

He be watching Chinese movies.

I actually got one for you guys.

Ammunition accounts for this weekend.

I was in a car.

What do you think it is?

Hanukkah?

And

it was nice.

My friend and his girlfriend were in the front seat.

And this,

ostensibly, a homeless guy came up to his girlfriend.

He's like, I just want to tell you, you're a beautiful woman.

And you, sir, you're a very handsome man.

And I ain't gay or nothing, but you're very handsome.

And she's very beautiful.

And then

he said, What about my friend in the back?

And the homeless guy looked at me and and goes, oh, he's gay.

And then drove off.

And the dude on the corner just shouted at the car.

He goes, Welcome to New York.

That's awesome, dude.

That homeless guy crushed it.

It did really hurt my feelings.

But, you know, I'm used to these kind of things happening on the street.

That's so funny.

Even when he's gone,

oh, he looked like he gay.

Your girlfriend was like, he was saying, you're hot.

I like to think about you guys fucking.

Your friend, he's a fucking homo.

Oh, yeah, that guy sucks, man.

Y'all should let him out the call right now.

He didn't hurt my feelings, but.

And then he said, welcome to New York.

And then he said, welcome to New York.

That's incredible, man.

That's just a little bit of the flavor.

You got

flavor in New York.

The flavor of New York.

The flavor flavor of New York.

Are you wearing dress shoes?

Are you doing that again?

I think, uh, I think I'm

someone

someone bought me a pair of who?

Are we wearing chuckers?

What are those little chuckers?

Your boyfriend James Bond.

Dude, we'll say it.

We'll say it.

Sucking.

I've been blowing out an effeminate man lately.

We'll say it was Sean Connery's.

I've already had sex with every woman on the wall.

I'm tired of having sex with women.

I've fucked too many women, so now I'm blowing out I'm blowing the buck out now I've

ugly Jewish men

raping

I go to the clinic and I see who's gone

it's me James Bond

it's me

James Bond the easiest impression and I

and I go to the clinic and I ask them who's got the lowest lowest testosterone and I fuck him in the ass.

I went into a

James Bond has become very special to me.

I went to a black barber shop.

I was noticing that.

Where's Baby Nuts Konpa?

Where's Baby Nuts?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Baby Nuts.

James Bond, he's looking for you.

Okay, Bob.

Man, yeah.

By the way, James Bond was in here.

He was looking for you.

He's like, James, what's here?

Picks up his purse and runs away.

Which way did he go?

I don't have a purse.

I just keep things in my pocket.

You don't have a pocket sorry.

Good to see you, Clarence.

Yes.

Where's baby nuts?

I hope you boys are having one.

You boys.

You're the man now, darling.

Hopefully, your nephew Marcus finally got his shit together.

Dude, them and James are just boys.

How's Marcus doing?

Is she still on his bullshit?

Is she still about his bollocks?

Anyway, let me go get this nut offering quick.

I've got to blow out that faggot

that faggot corn pop.

Corn nuts.

Yeah, whatever.

Baby nuts.

Who cares?

Baby nuts.

The point is, James Bond is friends with black guys that make fun of you.

And he fucks you in the ass.

Let's not get let's not fucking lose the trees for for the fucking forest or whatever.

Well, the important thing is you notice my new shoes, and I appreciate it.

Yeah.

James Bond, good boyfriend.

James Bond, my boyfriend, got it.

Sucking a man's day.

He just walking out, and he's like, bada, bada, da, da, da.

I look at what it is though.

James Bond knows the song.

Hey, how you doing?

How you doing?

I just meet James Bond.

They have to have a Bollywood movie.

There has to be a Bollywood James Bond.

That's got to be made.

Yeah,

that's how Bollywood movies.

That's got to be the first one.

Can you imagine a more James Bond, like a culture that appreciates James Bond more?

Yeah, he goes around to have sex with baby girls.

The only thing that's missing is James Bond would need a best friend that he holds hands with.

There would have to be like a 008 that just like they kiss each other on the cheek and make TikTok videos together

where one of them's like sandal falls off while they're walking and the other one kisses the sole and puts it back on the other one's foot and then it cuts to slow motion.

Yeah, they love slow motion TikToks.

Well, they both look at the camera.

Yeah.

And like hair wind blows their hair back.

It's all blown out.

That's the number one song on the ring.

Smash.

Yeah, you think our levels are bad.

Listen to anything.

Listen to Indian TikToks.

Yeah.

That's a cool song.

That's a cool.

I like that genre where it's like girls singing hi.

I went to the Statue of Liberty this weekend.

Oh, yeah.

And there were a ton of to try and fit it all in your ass?

No, I went with James Wand.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

And there's a ton of Indian guys taking fit pics in front of

the statue of Liberty.

The statue.

And just trying to fuck the statue.

It's just too.

Do they have it?

Does she have it pussy?

I can see.

Just trying to look up the skirt.

Yeah, up the toga.

He's just raising his hand during the tour when you're inside.

He's like, Does this count us having sex?

The tour guide's like, I don't.

Sure.

Yes.

And then you just see the wet spot appear on his pants.

He's like, yes.

I've done it.

Finally.

Squads.

I love that it's that much jizzed that it makes a whole wet spot.

He's just.

He's furiously.

Yes.

He's never jizzed until then.

He's never busted once.

First bust, yeah.

Rambo first bust.

The great thing is just to see a squad of 10, 12 deep, and everyone's just taking turns.

The same exact pose, the same exact position.

Yep.

But

everyone and his boy, their boys are all hyping each other up.

Of course.

It seems actually kind of not bad.

That's community as well.

Respect to them.

But yeah, it is pretty sick.

That's my review of the Statue of Liberty.

The Smash of Liberty.

The Smash Matthew.

Smash Mash Matthew of Liberty.

The Smash Matthew of Liberty.

Yep.

Yeah, and on the tablet it says, somebody once told me.

Somebody once showed me their cock, and then I sucked it.

I didn't know until then I was gay.

Well, the one I was doing the other day with Smash Mountain was, and I've done it before, but, you know, might as well be sucking a cock.

that one's so clean dude yeah yeah that was beautiful

the lesser

might as well be sucking

that's good dude oh i had i had one that's not really a song it's but it's instead of the mandalorian it's uh the gay sex dorian

and it's a man named dorian

does he has gay sex does he wear the helmet

Yeah, he could.

He's got the spaceship and everything.

I guess.

I was thinking it's just like a regular black guy named Dorian.

Alright, yeah.

The gay sex Dorian.

That checks out, I guess.

And maybe he adopts a baby Yoda or something.

Yeah.

And he sees it, and he sucks guys off to keep it safe.

I didn't really run the whole numbers on it, but I think there's something there.

Yeah, I think that the.

Might as well be sucking on them.

Gok.

Fuck, dude, I'm hungry.

Should I get tacos?

Yeah, I'm going to get tacos before there's.

Ooh, chat.

Chacos.

I can word Dorito Chaco.

You know what I'm looking at?

Burrito.

Why does that make burrito?

You know, they have choco taco, but maybe choco burrito.

Choco burrito.

Can you imagine soft waiting in lunch?

Mexico choco burrito.

Mexican stop.

Dude, honestly, you guys say choco burrito, and I'm fucking so.

It's like my penis is so sleepy.

I have the sleepiest penis in Mexico.

You don't get horror.

Yeah.

You never get hard.

He's so sleepy.

He's like a little sleepy baby.

That is true.

This is Mexican style.

My dick is like a little sleepy baby.

It's cute, you know.

Everybody wants to play with it.

Everybody wants to put it in their pussy just like a baby.

Do you think that's a fetish?

You wanting to put a baby in your pussy?

Yes.

Women will turn.

Everything is a fetish woman because they don't have sex normally.

They have sex with their brains.

We have sex sex with our cocks.

You know, they come with their minds.

Is that so?

I have sex with my fists.

Interesting.

I have sex, yeah.

I have sex with my dick's son all the time.

She's explaining it, I think, with my fists.

Yeah.

Yeah, I fuck fistually.

Bow.

Bow, bow.

Bow, bitch.

Yeah.

I'm just fucking treating that pussy.

Treating that pussy like a speed bag.

It'd be interesting to be into like just punching someone in the face.

As a sexual thing?

Yeah, and then trying to like float that as like something that you need to do.

Right.

You feel like slapping somebody around or whatever.

Yeah.

You know?

I think that's definitely a thing that happens.

But it's all, well, it is, but it's always like receptive.

It's always some dumb girl that's like can you slap?

And you're like, whatever, fine.

Yeah.

But to be a guy that's like, listen, I really just need to choke you in the face.

I need you in the face.

I need to give you black eyes.

Yeah.

That's the only way it works for me.

Yeah.

yeah.

I don't want to fuck you unless I punch you in the fucking head two times

before.

And if you're if you're saying that, you're being you're kink shaming, you're just pulling sock and bobbers out of your bag.

She's like, What is that?

Yeah, dude.

She just walks in, sees you training on the heavy bag.

Pop, pop, pop.

Oh, sorry, I was jerking off.

This is what I need.

You fucking

fetish.

Yeah, I guess.

They're definitely guys like might as well be sucking on some some cock.

I feel like those people just rape.

You know?

It's like Max Cady and

Cape Fear.

Never seen it.

Damn.

I might, well, I won't, but it would be nice to take drugs and re-watch the Cape Fear remake.

The remake is with Robert De Niro?

1990.

It's Robert De Niro, Nick Malty.

It's a shot-for-shot remake.

What was the first one?

We've talked about this with you before.

Who's the first one?

The first one is called The Cape Fear as well.

It's also called Cape Fear.

Robert Mitchum.

What's his name?

Does he do the

Gregory Peck?

Okay.

Gregory, give me a little peck on the cheek.

And then suck my little paw.

John Karwai was from Hong Kong, by the way.

You were waiting for that.

You thought that would be a big, funny moment at the end of the podcast.

But guess what?

We still got nine minutes.

Ooh.

See, dude, you don't know how to time shit.

I should have waited nine minutes.

Might as well.

Dude, if you waited nine minutes and

if you said it at the end of the podcast, that would have been good.

Might as well be busting in my ass.

Might as well be sucking on some cock.

It ain't no joke.

I love to suck on fucking penis.

I'm a guy who sucks on.

I wish I knew the rest of the song.

I don't remember the rest of the song.

I don't remember that fucking might as well be sucking on something.

Yeah, that's all you need, brother.

That's all you need, brother.

You know what else I watched part of?

Goodwill Hunting.

It's a good-ass movie.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

The best part of my day is walking up those fucking steps, and I think maybe you're not going to be here today.

Maybe you'll be gone.

Just with the gayest movie of all time.

The relationship between those characters is worse than the relationship between any two Indian men on TikTok.

When I was a little kid,

I had a crush on Mini Driver, though.

You had a crush on Matt Damon.

No, it was all.

You wanted Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to stuff you full?

No.

To get you airtight.

Adam's just going around smiling, imagining himself at Harvard being raped by construction workers.

Well, because my parents would be proud of you.

Dad's like, why are you smiling?

I know that smile.

I hate it.

You had it on your face after we saw Gladiator.

You told me what you wanted him to do to you.

I'm not taking you to any more movies.

No more movies.

We're only seeing stuff.

It's only pornography now.

Only lesbians.

There'll be no cocks.

I know that smile.

That's the getting raped smile.

That's the smile you have when you're fantasizing about being raped.

at a dairy queen.

There's other families around.

You can forget going to Ninja Turtle's Secrets of the Ooze.

You know,

but you don't leave because they're there for his ice cream.

Yeah.

He's not taking it.

He's taking himself to get ice cream.

Well, he's worked up.

He says,

you're lucky I'm about to have ice cream.

I'd really lose it on you.

I can't wait to watch them turn the blizzard upside down.

That really gets me going.

It's cool.

It defies logic.

The spoon's just hanging there.

Might as well be so again on Man's Cock.

Good show!

Do it again.

I said, do it again.

Oh, sir.

We're only supposed to do it once.

Dad.

Hey, Lenny.

Yeah, somebody killed themselves again.

Dad, why'd you kill that guy?

Somebody I was thinking about getting raped by him.

I worked at Dairy Queen, and occasionally you would get people to do that fucking.

You're supposed to turn it upside down bullshit.

Oh, really?

They like demand that of you?

Yeah, they're like, aren't you supposed to turn it upside down?

People suck.

And you'd be like, fuck you.

No, I would just pretend like I didn't know what they were talking about.

Like, I've never heard that.

Yeah,

which would completely piss them off.

Well, the people that owned that franchise were two Chinese brothers, so it's like there was no way to tattle on that.

That's awesome.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember this story.

Yeah, yeah.

They had a special name for you.

Yeah, well,

yeah, I guess it was my name, but in Mandarin Chinese, you hear the N-word all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's like their filler word.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

But yeah, you know, because they add a Chinese accent, they'll add an A to the end of any consonant.

So they'll be like, Nika.

Nika, you laugh a word.

It's very funny.

Yeah, as a child.

I mean, why are you hearing hearing that as a teenager, is there any way you're not laughing every time?

Well, it's one of those things where it's too funny to laugh at.

You know, it's just kind of like, oh, this would be a funny story.

Yeah.

Because I understand what's happening.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah, you know, that's his accent.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I probably would have been smiling.

Might as well be busting in my ass.

Yeah, how does the rest of that song go?

It's like a half-rap.

Suck my dick off.

Please suck my bonnet.

Please suck my BNS.

Please suck my BNS.

Please suck my dick.

Please suck my ass and fuck my mouth.

Because I'm gay.

Because I'm gay, baby.

Yeah, that's how it goes.

Go check out genius.com.

Formerly Rap Genius.

Yeah,

now it's for everything.

Yeah.

Why did that happen?

Well, because Neil deGrasse Titans and Patton did the name Rap Genius for himself.

Good evening.

With us today is Black Rap

my guest tonight is esteemed Black Rap Genius Neil deGrasse Tyson.

And of course, as always, my faithful co-host, my Sabian sex machine.

It's just covered in shit.

It's just like the guest is smiling while the dildo is swinging around,

just little pieces of shit getting stuck to their face.

Like the Instagram freckle filter while they smile, waiting for Jarlu to finish talking.

Doing the intro.

His belabored intro of his esteemed guest.

McLamore.

My guest tonight, McLamore.

My next guest, McLamore,

will also be putting things in his ass.

Larry King is still working, though, right?

My man's out there doing international

internet show.

That's pretty cool, man.

He's a pimp.

He loves what he does, bro.

Yeah.

He's what?

All these people that are like, I have to work.

I can never retire, bro.

That will never be me.

I hate working.

I think, well, he just got divorced from his like.

That bitch soaked him.

Soaked him for all he was wearing.

He was just trying to get more food.

Oh, hell yeah.

He's really hard to do in a touch, bro.

His voice is so.

Is that the Charlie Ross theme?

Thank you for joining us.

Welcome to the broadcast.

Boy, we have a terrific show for you tonight.

Naturalists.

What's up, but you make fun of him doing gay shit so much that when you just hear him trying to do his job,

I just can't stop thinking of him introducing his sex toys.

My guest tonight is a teddy bear I had as a child that I attached a strap-on dildo to, and I fuck myself in the ass with it every night.

Mr.

Snuggum's welcome.

He just cuts through

the shitty-looking bear with matted fur with a strap on.

He's completely abused.

He hasn't an eye.

Well, but the strap on, he is fucking Charlie Rose, though.

And then it's just a still shot of the bear for like 30 seconds.

Yeah, Charlie's like, ha ha.

Yeah.

Silence.

Now that's great.

That is.

That's delightful to hear, Mr.

Snuggles.

Author and poet Diane Ackerman is here.

She has done some wonderful work that somehow bridges art and science, and we'll talk about that.

But first, does the end of the Cold War and the triumph of democracy mean the end of history?

Francis Fukuyama, former State Department official and political scientist,

says yes, and his essay on the subject in the national interest caused a storm of controversy in 1989.

Now he has expanded his ideas into a book entitled The End of History and the Last Man.

And once again, he is making headlines, and I'm pleased to welcome him to our broadcast to talk about it this evening.

Welcome.

Thank you very much.

Pleasure to have you here.

If there's ever been a provocative title, I know you could see this, but take a look at this.

The end of history and the last man.

I mean, if nothing else, you want to know why is history ending and what does it mean for me?

He's the worst, dude.

That's what a middle schooler would ask.

I know.

He's like, he's got that fucking like, didn't read the book, time to do the book before it vibes.

Yeah, because he's talking so much.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, the end of history, now, naturally, I think we're all thinking it, of course.

Yeah, the last samurai, I mean, even the title itself, it makes you want to say, what's going on with this movie?

What is a samurai?

How many of them were there before

we reached the last one?

Who is the last one?

Is he last?

There's another guy.

Is there another guy coming afterwards?

Does it leave open the possibility of a sequel?

Our guest tonight is Tom Cruise.

Tell us, are you named after cruise ships?

Oh, I thought for a second that he thought The Last Samurai was Francis Fukuyama's book.

I thought he thought it was a

The Last Samurai, I mean The Last History.

Actually, my book is called The End of History and The Last Man.

That's what I meant.

He just keeps asking him questions about Tom Cruise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, what was Tom Cruise like to work with?

And something that interests me, the scene in which Tom Cruise develops a love affair and a marriage with one of your native women.

Did you find yourself tintillated or perhaps offended by

such a depiction of what we call sort of a vanilla wafer situation?

Well, for the eighth time, Charlie, I've never seen the movie, and that is not what the book is about.

The book's about.

Let me ask you this: have you ever seen the movie Kazam?

You ask me, have you seen other movies?

What are your thoughts on a man the size of Shaquille O'Neal being able to fit entirely into a boombox?

I understand the premise is that he's magical in the film, but even in such a magical world, I don't understand how a genie of that size could live inside of a boombox.

No, I have not.

Very well, very good.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Oh, man.

Damn, they're going to think that this was the Charlie Rose episode.

Oh, right.

There's another one coming, isn't there?

And they're not hearing that for another two weeks.

Oh, I love that.

I love that one I already dropped.

Nope.

No.

No.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

This is awesome.

Stay tuned.

We're fucking with you, little piggies.

Actually, maybe this is like, we're like doing a preview for what's to come.

Yeah.

We should

keep talking about Charlie Rose on every episode.

It's very fun.

It is.

I did not realize how shitty he was at at interview oh yeah no we could do a spin-off like charlie rose podcast where we just take an episode of charlie rose and then just

just go in and out that would be great i mean that would be great this might be

yeah i mean fuck it

why not you know

tomorrow baby yeah we're gonna do live commentary on a charlie rose episode unfortunately we do not have a guest tonight because last week i got very excited off cocaine and in the break room i demanded to meet mr Coffey himself

and I would not accept no for an answer when they told me that was just the name of the machine

and so

in lieu of a guest I will be from memory reciting the script to the movie Blue Streak

starring Martin Lawrence and Owen Wilson oh is that Owen Wilson it's Luke Wilson

and a very charismatic Dave Chappelle of course and a very charismatic black entertainer.

A black young guy.

Davis Chappelle.

Davis Chappelle.

Oh, fuck.

Who, fuck?

Yeah, imagine if Charlie Rose had never put on a suit.

Just some fucking idiot.

What would he be doing?

He'd be a fucking dummy.

He'd be barely holding his money.

He'd be managing the photo lab at CVS.

Everyone that worked for him would want to kill them.

Yeah.

He'd be in fucking Richmond, Virginia, doing one-hour photo processing.

Sometimes you look at the pictures, you can see naked ones.

Yeah.

I go through each and every one of them myself.

That would happen, right?

People would get busted for like...

The last man.

Let me talk about what you meant.

We have seen in the last several years

extraordinary cataclysmic events.

The Cold War, we saw what happened with the wall being torn down, a visible evidence of the end of the Cold War, War, in a sense.

And we see democracy struggling in the Soviet Union and in all of the former, in the former Soviet Union and a lot of other places.

Tell me what you mean by the end of history.

Well, sure, it's a very reasonable question

since so much has been happening in the world.

But, you know, my sense of history or my definition of history is different from the commonplace one.

You know, most people think of history as just a sequence of events what fills the newspapers or the television screens every night but i have a very special sense of history which is to say history with a capital h that is to say the long-term evolution of all human societies as they move from primitive agricultural tribal ones ball ring sounds gay yeah so tell me now your name is francis but you're some kind of chinaman have you been to uh dare queen

explain to me how the blizzard turns upside down and they get the spoon just stuck right in how do they do that?

Is that part of why the history?

Why history is ending?

I was wondering, is it the end of history or the end of my penis going into your ass?

I'm just kidding, of course.

Just a joke.

Yeah.

I'm Charlie.

Trying to lighten the mood per se as

one is wont to do.

Whatever, just bullshit.

What do you say?

He goes, We have visible evidence of the Cold War ending, so to speak.

Yeah, dude.

Trying to hit that word limit.

Yeah, we've noticed, we've seen a lot of cataclysmic events, such as the Cold War and everything that happened with that.

And

that

whole thing with the door that was popped that was kind of going on in that sense.

The wall thing, we all heard about that stuff.

And we know what happened there.

No need to even read that.

The James Bond films, of course.

Which also have something to do with,

I don't know if those come up in the book or not, but

there's a large theme in the James Bond film, which by the way.

I love watching movies

as an aside.

I would like to say, you look like our job.

You remind me of odd jobs.

Do you get that a lot?

Genesse qui, of an odd job vibe, if you will, or perhaps

an essence, an odd Jobian essence.

A Jobian.

Our next guest is an Arjobian academic.

An Arjobian academic.

Every agent person he calls Archubian.

Our next guest

is a renowned cellist.

Very good.

Very good.

And amazing.

Even more impressive

when you consider

it a piece of bamboo and the blood of your forebear.

What's his name, dude?

Yo-yo ma.

Yo-yo ma.

Yeah, she's called him Yao Yeoming.

Yao Yao Ming.

A lot of people are wondering this, the cello, is it just a giant violin?

And does that make it harder to play?

Is the general rule the bigger the violin?

The bigger is it that that's what they say.

We have a saying in the south: it's uh the bigger the violin, the harder the notes are to play.

That's true, and generally that's idiomatic, and it refers to uh uh making a fat woman come.

But do you find that to be true yourself?

Just musically speaking.

Musically change.

Yeah, I guess this is the Charlie Rhodes episode now.

Damn, there's another one coming, folks.

We don't know when it's dropping,

but you can drop my dick into your ass.

Hey, I tell you what, if you want to,

Stav already plugged his dates, but if you want to see me.

Go see Nick.

My shit is not canceled because of the coronavirus.

If you want to see me, I am in Louisville, Nashville, Chicago, Milwaukee, Indianapolis, some other fucking place.

If you go to bandsintown.com/slash NickMullen, you can buy tickets now.

Please buy them.

Don't be afraid of the virus.

If I die, you're dying with me.

That's the rule.

That's the combination goes down with you.

Especially Adam.

He'll be buried alive in my sarcophagus.

Yes, like King Tut.

No, I'll be at the

afterlife interrupting you.

No, I'll be at

him.

We're going to surgically add cat ears to his head and have him buried.

I'll be at your funeral reading fake letters that you wrote to me that I wrote myself.

Oh, that would be cool.

That would be funny, actually.

Yeah, go see Nick.

Come see us.

We got Funny Moms Monday, next Monday.

We're doing a St.

Patrick's Day Fat Tuesdays, the only one in March, March 17th, next week.

Come out to that.

If you guys want to do it year-round, if you want to do it.

March 17th, I'll be doing it.

St.

Patrick's Day.

I'll be there.

I'll do it.

Cool.

I look that they have Irish people-only shows at the stand now.

Do they?

Yeah.

They've done multiple of them.

They have like Irish Culture Night or something.

And they just book any comedian whose like name is Irish or they're a drunk.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

They're like, we have Karen Feehan hosting Irish Night.

Yeah.

And it's like, why?

Because she has nine DUIs.

Exactly.

DUI night.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe we should book Feehan for St.

Patrick's Day.

You should.

Yeah.

If she's not in the hospital.

Yeah.

Well, we're going to book Karen too.

So the lineup is Adam, Nick, and Karen.

And it's going to be a benefit for Irish retards.

All the money goes to having Karen's eyelids put back on her face after she face plants.

We're going to do

the first

thrown out of playwrights.

That's right.

We're doing the first ever preemptive goal.

Just kidding.

Yeah.

Sorry

if Karen finds, because we're friends, but not that close.

She'll be fine.

She'll be fine.

She'll be fine.

They'll get those eyelids back on yeah um so yeah that'll be the that's the show stopby.biz slash tour dublin in london coming up please buy those tickets so i'm not embarrassed across the fucking pond and uh

adam.comtown.events for

australia got some shit in market yeah stavros great show my girlfriend adam told me about

hey james

good to see you he was giving me a blundiness that's where you get your dick socks while walking around london shitting yourself.

That's when you're shit in his mouth.

In London.

In London.

All right.

See you guys.

From Blunden with Look.

Now you can say your little thing is a Chinese.

Walker-wise from Hong Kong.

Cool.

It's too late.

You're in.