Ep. 195 – Coomberg

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Your ring, your way.

I thought we were already going.

Oh, no, I but I didn't want to.

Oh, then if you want that information out there, it's okay.

That you were looking up nudes of Woe Vicki, who are.

Well, let's check and see how old she is.

Let's check that first.

Let's get that one over here.

Okay, yeah, she's 19.

In the zone, legal.

Bad news, bitch.

Lil B retweeted her, and I got to thinking, I wonder what her dates look like.

Anyway,

hello, everyone.

Welcome to Come Town.

This is great.

Somebody commented on one of my Instagram posts and it has nothing to do with the post itself.

It just says Auschwitz Theme Park, 6 million flags.

Nice.

Just 21 minutes ago.

And then 19 minutes ago, they tweeted,

commented, Auschwitz Theme Park, 6 million flags.

Fucking loser.

Just to make sure.

Yep.

Oh, no.

Just in case you didn't see it.

Dude, I like this part of the show now where I just go through Instagram comments

and pick one guy and be like, wow, great post, man.

Nice job, you fucking idiot.

Nice job, ass.

Ass face.

Yeah, ass.

We were talking about that, like how white guys used to not know how to curse at people.

You f freaking ass shit.

And then that evolved into that horrible internet way of cussing.

Yeah.

Douche nozzle and shit like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Ugh.

Boo.

Yeah, that's the thing that's embarrassing the most about I'm I'm glad I'm off Twitter, but

because you know the people you don't just you don't agree with are easy to just sort of write off sure the people you do agree with who do embarrassing things are there's a lot of them I've tried because I've tried to say I've tried to like say to a couple of people but you know during Iowa everyone's like they're gonna rat fuck him and it's like okay Maybe one or two guys can say that.

Yeah, we can't all say it.

That's the that's the most annoying part about fucking Twitter is everyone s talks exactly.

The second someone says something kind of funny,

now everyone is the something doer rat fuck is as dumb as like piss baby ass clown yeah and and and it's a little better i tried to float it by friends i'm like is everyone saying rat fuck now and they're like it's that accurately describes what's happening he looks like a rat i'm like all right okay oh that's a problem never mind sorry sorry yeah it has nothing to do it's you don't have to make it political it's about language yeah like i all i'm doing is saying hey man your shoes are untied yeah absolutely that's it We don't all have to say it.

You don't need to be a piss baby garbage fire.

A literal dumpster cum human.

Why does everyone say something is the blank

doer or whatever?

The what?

You know, when people, everyone on Twitter calls themselves the

something doer or something.

You know what I mean?

Like

the pizza eater has logged on.

Yeah.

Well, it's, yeah, it's all just.

Because that shit used to be, it it was

not funny at a certain point, but it was like an accoutrement to being sure to being funny in other ways.

Yes, yes, and then like media people got on Twitter and then they just figured out the like tonality and aesthetic of all of that.

Yes, and then they repeat things.

It's all repeating.

It's all repeating.

It's like, you know, just retweeting an article and being like, you love to see it.

Yeah.

Normal day.

He's having a normal one.

Fucking losers.

That's the fucking worst part about the internet, man.

It's just like everyone just thinks

doing the thing somebody that is funny did six years ago makes you funny.

Well, they're not.

They're just using the language that's sort of like, you know, when people who are actually like the people that are funny are funny for other reasons.

Of course.

Not because they said words that way.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

No, I'm not shitting on the originators of the thing.

The originators who have now been

silence.

There we go.

Yeah, you get all the originators banned.

R.I.P.

to Prospector.

R.I.P.

to the boy.

That was a guy you thought killed himself.

Yeah.

But now he's actually just banned.

Now he's banned and he's probably going to kill himself.

And I don't care anyway.

I already got it out of my system.

I already cared once.

Sort of a boy who cried, wolf.

Of course.

That's what you get, Prospector.

You're welcome to join us here in my living room.

I tore the blinds off the walls.

So

we got beautiful sun coming in.

I don't know how to fix it.

There's sun, there's filters, there's Volvo parts everywhere.

I was in beautiful San Diego all weekend.

San Diego.

San Jichelco.

San Giago.

I love to live here in San Jichelco.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude, it's crazy.

So, So, yeah, my uncle passed away, and I went to his like memorial center,

and he was a

house painter, so I guess he had boys that were like, you know, like day laborers, yeah, like day laborers, basically, absolutely literally, yeah.

And some guy spoke at the memorial, and somebody else had to like read his thing for him, and it was like a story about like when they got chased by bees.

Hell yes, dude!

And I'm like, this is I made this up, yeah, I made this guy up, and they came and they were steaming, And there were too many pointy bees.

And

they were too spooky for me, the pointy bees.

I was like, this is unreal.

You're just laughing.

You have to turn into tears.

Yeah.

You have to pretend you're crying.

Somebody's like, are you okay?

I'm like, yes, I'm just racist.

It's just,

I'm just laughing so racistly.

They just turned to tears.

Yeah.

It's so funny seeing extended family, too.

They're like, what have you been up to?

I'm like, ah, nothing.

I'm still

failing.

I'm still an alcoholic.

Don't look up anything about me.

Whatever you do, don't look me up.

I am drunk.

Yeah.

And I live in a little box in Chinatown.

I'm a pedophile, actually.

Yep.

It's illegal to look me up.

I'm on the sex offender registry.

If you look me up, you'll find evidence from my trial, which will then also implicate you.

It will implicate you.

You will be on a watch list.

Just Googling my name downloads child pornography so don't even do it yeah yes

don't look me up

oh your daughter's you're going to medical school

we can talk about that instead

oh fuck yeah yeah i loved i loved overhearing my mom tell one of her best friends when they were catching up uh i just heard her on the phone and she was just like it's yes everything is going very good stavro and his friends have a radio show that a lot of people listen to.

And then I just took a beat and she was like,

it's called Kamatown.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, somebody literally, I was like, my mom's second cousin or whatever, was like,

what's your podcast called?

And I just said, don't worry about it.

Shut up, bitch.

It's just

not worth it, dude.

Yeah, Yeah, absolutely not.

Yeah.

Ah, what are you going to do?

Damn.

Did you get to do any surfing?

No.

I didn't.

The rental car plays upgraded me to like a Charger RT, though.

Oh, nice.

That was fun.

Just fucking speeding.

Just

getting into accidents.

Yeah.

Running over pedestrians.

Yeah.

I'm kind of like an accident guy.

Yeah.

I love getting into accidents.

You know, the funniest thing that probably happened when we were gone was that that lady was playing that Pete Butt speaking of the the rat fucker himself.

You see that lady pretending to be Nigerian?

Was that true though?

I don't because I got people were like

people were like she was pretending to be Nigerian and then they the receipts on that were fucking like one tweet where the Nigerian guy said this is Liz.

Yeah.

And he would just always talk about how I mean it is possible he's just a horny Nigerian who just wants to fuck this lady.

Yeah.

But it is funny to think about just some dumb bitch pretending to be a Nigerian man to be pro-Pete Button.

It is funny.

Yeah.

Because

I can't wait to vote for Pete Booty.

I love that he is gay.

I love that he is getting wrapped in his ass.

That is why I am voting for him.

Yeah.

It would be awesome if she was like, look, we have

an audio recording of him, and it's just her doing the voice.

I am not Lisa.

She's doing text to the speech to text for all of those tweets.

My name is Lizadudo

Monke Smitala.

My name is Lizace.

Damn, dude.

Why African, though?

Like, who's like...

It doesn't make any sense.

Who's on the fence?

they're like, that's what I mean.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's like pretending to be a POC is one thing, right?

But pretending to be a straight-up, just Nigerian person, it doesn't make any sense.

Oh, but

American black people like Bernie?

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to get even blacker people to like Peter.

The darkest on earth.

We see you, you're American blacks, and we raise you African

straight from the source.

I raise you some of the Blafrican brothers

as a Blafrikan.

Either, that's what's so great about it.

It's either way.

It makes no sense.

Either

they're pretending to be a fucking Nigerian guy, or there is a Nigerian guy.

Am I good on this?

I think so.

Oh, wow.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

I knew there was a reason I got 10-foot cords.

Nick is making coffee right now.

He's in his kitchen.

Yeah, this rules.

He's got donut shop regular K-cups.

A lot of people don't know this, but

when we're doing the podcast, I'm often multitasking.

i'm writing love letters yeah to my wife who's at war

i can't wait until we have that where the bitch has to go to war yeah the man gets to stay home with his penis that's right stay home make a make a softball league even though the mlb already exists i want to get to a world where uh a like a man's cock is treated like a newborn baby

you know yeah where they're respected as much as an infant so the titanic is sinking and they're like get the night get the prettiest cocks on board first.

On the road, yeah, and they're like, what a beautiful cock, beautiful penis.

Oh,

Captain!

That little naval whistle.

I'm going to get one of those and start cat calling women with it.

Not a bad plan.

Yeah.

If it's a fat lady, you get a tugboat whistle.

Yeah, damn.

I want those on the soundboard.

This is going to turn into the whistle podcast.

Those are different than the tugboat.

Yeah, hold on.

Naval whistle.

Yeah, no, take your time, bro.

Yeah, there's the one that was like they would use on Star Trek also.

I don't remember that.

I'm not that big of a whistle guy.

Yeah.

Because I was always jealous I couldn't whistle with my fingers.

I've done it maybe twice in my life.

I will explain to you the four required seats, dude.

That must be used in all of these.

It's a video of some fat guy dressed in the full naval uniform.

He He looks like Captain Crunch.

Captain Lunch.

Third is a warbling sound, similar to what a canary would make.

Okay.

And we'll explain later.

This guy's also five foot one, maybe.

The last one is a trill.

Standing in a field and

you're scoring

an R sound or fluttering your tongue on the roof of your mouth.

Hurry up, motherfucker.

Make a whistle.

What?

The first sound

starting by holding the boatswain's call in the proper manner

is the low pitch.

I am in a clinched position.

I'll explain those later.

Sounds like this.

Okay.

The next one is the high pitch.

Still holding it in a low form.

I don't know.

That one sucked.

The third is

something like a canary by actuating your finger.

I'm interested in this one.

This one better be.

This guy sucks.

This guy fucking stinks, dude.

Fuck this guy.

What's his name?

Let's put him on blast.

What?

Dan Maker.

Dan Maker.

Why don't you maker my cockhard and suck it, you fucking piece of shit?

Or it can suck.

There's no art to the way he whistles.

Yeah.

And the last is the trill, as we explained, forming an R.

Suttering your cock on the roof of your mouth.

No, no, no, canceled.

Bullshit.

Why don't you head back to Tiny Jim's uniform depot and get fucked in your ass by the salesman?

Yeah.

Go return that uniform.

Why don't you go back and get fucked in the ass by the guy who sold it to you?

Yeah, they're great or whatever the fuck that guy says.

Yeah.

Why don't you get fucked by Tony the Tiger, who's moonlighting as a uniform salesman for petite fat men?

Yeah, bitch.

Yeah, here we go.

Okay.

This is the Star Trek one.

Okay.

Yeah, that's good.

That's much.

That's better for sure.

Jim Maker can suck my dick.

Yeah, that's the Star Trek whistle.

This is driving the cat nuts.

Yeah, the cat is fucking.

I like that one.

Yeah, I love that.

Which Star Trek?

The original.

My boy out there.

Yeah.

They got.

My boy

Bill Shatner.

Yeah.

Who's now selling on TV?

He's a spokesman for

sleep apnea machine cleaners.

And

I trusted him so much, I almost purchased it.

But I went with a different kind because what he was advertising uses ozone to clean things.

And from what I understand, that's part of what's fucking up the ozone layer.

No, the ozone is what it's good that we have ozone.

So should I buy a cleaner that has ozone in it?

Yeah, you want to make as much ozone as possible.

You got to make as much ozone as possible.

Yeah, no, you want the ozone layer.

Actually, you can make your own ozone at home.

How?

Through electrolysis.

No, I mean it.

Wait, is it electrolysis?

Isn't that when you make ozone anytime you burn air, like anytime there's static electricity that creates ozone?

If I'm remembering eighth-grade science correctly, I don't think you're right, but so should we be rubbing our fucking feet on carpets and shit and making sparks?

Be petting the cat backwards.

Is that how we save the fucking ozone layer?

Ozone creation.

Ozone is produced naturally in the stratosphere when highly energetic solar radiation strikes molecules of oxygen and O2 and causes the two atoms to split apart in a process called photolysis.

If a freed atom collides with another O2, it joins up forming ozone O3, which, yeah, that's what I said.

No, it isn't.

It's close to it.

You said, no, you didn't say that.

I did.

No, bitch.

Ozone creation electrolysis.

So O3, huh?

That's three of them bitches, and oxygen is O2.

Or is it just a broader side?

Yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah.

So, yeah, no.

During the electrolysis of water, ozone is generated at the anode, and the hydrogen gas is produced at the cathode.

So through electrolysis, you will create ozone.

I did know that it was a byproduct of electrolysis.

Electrolysis is the shit you'd use.

Don't they do that to like

when a when like a lady has varicose veins, don't they do that on her body?

They use it to titan a pussy out.

Titan

they have a prodding rat, a prodding gesture, a prod, yeah, a little like Charles's prod.

It wouldn't be great to just shame women for having loose pussies, but just start going into Michael Winslow sound effect.

Yep, just put it in, you're like, damn, I don't feel shit.

You get your shit

leaving.

She's already out of the apartment.

You're like, boom, boom, ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

boop boop bo-dum-bum.

You're a busy shit.

Guess you got.

You're busy too loose.

She's out the front window.

She's down the block.

See, bye.

Bye.

What are you up to next week?

Yeah, I'll see you again.

Let's get Thai food.

I'm just looking at the neighbor across the street.

Yeah, I fucked her.

I fucked her, but her pussy was big.

Her pussy was big.

You ever watched that show, Tool Tom?

what are you doing do you want to play red dead redemption with me

sir come down here right now

you're under arrest for being the worst member of the neighborhood

do you want to hang out yeah they're calling it autistic gentrification

and it's pissing everyone off

It's a new type of gentrification in which mental retards are moving into the neighborhood.

Yeah, this used to be a family-owned dry cleaner.

Now it's just four game stops next to each other.

It's a Funko Land,

an illegally operated Funko Land where you can get into arguments about the true color of Sonic's arms.

Yes, it's nothing but all those gay-ass little board game stores that have very complicated board games that only fat men with ponytails play.

Because I tried to get it because board games look nice under a coffee table or a bookshelf.

And I bought Pandemic and Betrayal on House, whatever.

And I will never, ever play those.

Yeah.

It will never happen once.

No, absolutely not.

Catan, I can do here and there.

Catan, yeah, every once in a while, but even that, it's like.

Yeah, it took some coaxing to get me into Catan.

Absolutely.

I was too busy playing real games like Modern Warfare.

That's right.

Or

mind games.

Yeah, mind games with bitches.

Yeah, see,

I don't need no trivial pursuit when I'm emotionally manipulating a bitch.

I'm a woman who cares for me.

Into

cutting herself.

Prove you love me, bitch.

Yeah, that's it.

Bitch, let me see them on.

I call them Tally Marks.

Let me count how many I love yous.

One, I love you.

Two, I love you.

Damn, my favorite part of Tally Marks was fucking doing that diagonal that represents the fifth one.

Nothing felt as good as that.

I love that like a businessman.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Done with the five, bitch.

Done.

Five, done.

Getting the five done felt so good, dude.

It reminds me of playing darts.

Yep.

I just like, yeah, I honestly felt like I was doing business

when I got the five.

Yeah.

I had some other shit that was like uniquely like fat autism kids that

I forgot about that fuck I couldn't

that I wish I I could remember because I wanted I wanted to bring it up.

Damn, it's all right, bro.

It'll come up, but it was on the level of like being afraid of Pac Sun.

Yeah, oh, yeah,

yep, being afraid of that store, being so afraid of it, just seeing the mannequins and being like, fuck, fuck, and then being so happy when, like, some Quicksilver randomly made it to like Marshalls.

You're like, thank God,

I can buy this is on my turf.

I don't have to go into Pac-Sun to buy it.

Yeah, they made fat

shirts.

They're wearing Puka Shells like a choker.

Dude, I was so happy when I found an XL Quicksilver.

I was like, thank God, dude.

I don't have to go in there.

Yeah.

Or like a wallet that was Velcro that had a slot for a wallet chain.

You're like, fuck, what am I going to put in here?

My membership to being gay.

That card?

My blockbuster card, bro.

My blockbuster card.

My pride and joy.

Did you ever have one of the gold blockbuster cards?

Never did.

Never could say that I did.

I think I had one when I was like 17.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

What is that?

What did that denote?

Nothing.

I can't remember.

I think maybe it was like.

You get a free video every month or something?

No, it was like maybe before they did completely ending rental fees, there was like, you know, I don't even remember.

I just remember I had a different color.

It might not even have been gold.

It could have been like silver or something.

Yeah.

But

it was special.

Of course.

I had a special Blockbuster.

It was better than everybody else.

Didn't you work at Blockbuster?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I was talking about that with Adam the other day because we were talking about how you haven't seen any movie ever.

And it's so funny that you worked at Blockbuster.

I worked at Blockbuster for a summer and I ran up Martin Scorsese movies, basically.

Oh, okay.

I watched King of Comedy.

Because, like, that's the thing.

I had such...

My parents were not culturally American at all.

Yeah.

Like, all this shit, I missed out on so much shit that just everybody else did and knew about.

I had no idea.

Yeah.

If it wasn't just on TV that I could find myself.

And my mom was like, really nervous about us becoming like bad kids.

Yeah.

So we weren't allowed to watch anything cool.

Yeah.

No rated R movies, no nothing.

Oh, really?

Yeah, no.

I watched a lot of like, dude, the funniest when there was like kids who couldn't see PG-13 movies until they were 13.

I was like, damn, does your like mom hold your penis when you go to the bathroom also?

Mom, I gotta go.

Yeah, I'm 12 and a half, but

my mom has to come over to hold my penis in the bathroom so I don't piss on myself.

Yeah, I've ruined a lot of my pajama bottoms, so she just kind of took it upon herself to hold my penis.

Yeah, I honestly was not allowed to watch most shit, but I did see King of Comedy.

I saw, um,

what else did I see that summer?

I just watched Goodfellas Again.

If I was an Asian guy, I'd have a special called the Ching of Comedy.

The Ching of Comedy?

Mm-hmm.

It's not bad.

It isn't bad.

You get away with it.

I'm kind of shocked Ken Jong hasn't done that.

He had a special that was Faux Footlet.

I didn't watch, but I'm sure it was probably bad.

Yeah.

Damn, I gotta take a SHIT.

What?

From that bagel, dude?

Yeah.

Let me get this coffee going.

Yeah, get that coffee going, dude.

And

while everyone is here, why don't you come see me this weekend in DC?

I'll be at the DC Draft House starting tomorrow, Thursday the 20th through the 22nd.

And then two weeks from now, I'll be at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix on the 5th, March 5th.

And then I'll be at 191 Tool or 191 Tool

in Tucson.

So buy your motherfucking tickets and see me, and then I'm going to be in fucking...

You're going back to Arizona?

Yeah.

Weren't you just there?

Dude, that's what I thought.

And then it's been a fucking year and a half.

I thought you were just in Phoenix or something.

No.

Or Tucson.

No, no, that's coming up.

I was in Tucson in Phoenix a year and a half ago.

Damn.

Yeah, I um I'm gonna go do shows out there.

Yeah, dude, you should.

I did pretty good numbers in Phoenix.

I love the desert.

I'm not I don't like the desert.

It's too scary.

It's too scary?

It's not for the fat and the supple.

Yeah.

It'll dry me out, dude.

Yeah, I uh I like to be somewhere with moisture.

I should plug my dates too.

I guess I'm in I'm in Nashville and Louisville and then Cincinnati and Indianapolis and Milwaukee and Chicago.

And that's all at the end of March.

And if you go to Bands in Town,

there's a website called Bands in Town.

Yes, you got to search my name.

Or it's something like that.

All right, we're almost there.

I don't know, man.

I used to have a website, but then it got fucked up by the print shop.

Just get another website, bro.

I guess I should.

My Nick MyMullen.tour bands.

Or something.

Bands will make her dance.

Bands.

Bands.

Bands will make her dance.

Yeah, bands in town.

And then you search my.

Oh, here we go.

Bandsintown.com slash Nick Mullen.

Oh, that's good.

321, Nashville.

322, Louisville.

323, Cincinnati.

324, Indianapolis.

325, Chicago.

26, Milwaukee.

Ooh, this man's on the road, bitch.

27, Chicago, 28, Chicago.

So, end of March, there's a tour.

We got two guys from Chicago.

Two hard dick savages.

I'm holding down to open up, and then I do 10 10 minutes of crowd work and then Q ⁇ A for 30 minutes.

Yep, no, that's true.

Adam is gay.

Next question.

Yeah, next question.

Yep.

No, that's

what was I thinking when I called him a bug?

You know,

I couldn't tell you.

I kind of think about the artistic process.

Yeah, the go there.

Apparently, I think that the all most of the shows are are fine, but Louisville show, the numbers are abysmal.

No, that'll pick up.

I did good numbers in Louisville.

Sure, but I just got to plug it.

Yeah.

So people know.

Bandsintown.com slash Nick Mullen.

I don't think you've said Louisville once.

If you want shirts,

yeah, I haven't.

I haven't really paid attention to.

Go to stoppy.bysmas tour.

I don't know if you're taking me seriously when I said I have not prepared at all for this, but if that's the effort I'm putting into plugging the dates, waiting to see what happens when I go do the dates.

If you're ready for just what could be described as a disaster,

but I will be on stage for an hour.

That we can guarantee.

I can guarantee you I will be on stage for now.

Feet will be on a stage for a whole hour.

I'm just saying.

Will he check his phone?

I've written one joke this year, and it's not even...

I was trying to think about like you're trying to do like some kind of derailment thing about like

how hard it is to raise a girl, you know, and how hard women have it because it's like you've got to raise him to

you, still want them to be nice, right?

They have their society expects them to be nice, but then they can't be too nice because then if they're too nice to, you know, boys in school, a retarded kid's gonna ask them to prom.

Right.

You do have to that's the there's a line you have to walk.

And, you know, you can't be the bitch telling a retard they they're not gonna take her to prom.

Of course.

You're not gonna, you know?

Absolutely.

Because it's gonna be uh it's gonna be live streamed.

People are gonna see that.

Yes.

And, you know, I'm not saying anybody deserves to be raped, but the girl that broke a retard's heart.

Yeah, no, I think you got something there.

Let me get her a little mini skirt one-way ticket to Pakistan and show her what a real retard can do.

You know what I mean?

What unchecked Pakistani retardation

is the havoc it can be.

That's why it's hard to raise a girl.

I think you got something there.

Yeah, I ran it by one person.

They're like, yeah, just don't do stand-up.

I would just quit, man.

I would just not do stand-up anymore.

I would say that you've ruined your brain with broadcasting.

I have a thing that I want to do

that I don't know what the context would be, but it's just

like

a couple's counseling.

It's like a therapist, and it's like a married couple's talking, and it's like two guys.

And like 15 minutes into them talking, he's just like, all right, well,

let me stop you right there.

I think the first problem is that you're both a couple of fellas.

If you boys just went out and got a little pussy, maybe all your problems get solved.

So, the premise is the existence of Christian

conversion therapy.

Yeah, basically.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess that is just conversion therapy.

What if something that exists and definitely already is real was real?

Was real, but like, I guess a little more polite.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I like boys.

Well, yeah, there's no context.

Just like helping them, but the whole time, you know, they're like, well, when we go to, you know, they're they're like, you know, do you guys express your feelings to each other?

Because it seems like you're stuck in this kind of almost Mexican standoff where you don't want to be the one who is expressing something for fear of rejection.

And that mutual fear of rejection kind of builds in this negative feedback loop.

I mean, do you

tell each other that you love each other, you care for each other?

And you're like, well, when we're making love, and then he's like, oh,

the fuck?

Come on, pal.

List.

Ugh.

I thought I was helping two friends get along.

Oh, God.

Making love.

In your ass.

All right.

I'll take you on, but just no one gets fucked in the ass.

You're not allowed to say that shit to me ever.

Oh, I like that.

He sticks with it.

He's like, all right, well, you know, I'm a professional.

Yeah.

And have you seen that movie, The Irishman?

I've been feeling more of like an Irishman vibe lately.

So I'll do, I'll answer your questions and help you.

But you can never, ever say that to me.

It's a line from the movie.

No, it isn't, actually.

No, we've seen that movie plenty, and that's not.

You're not allowed to watch the movie.

It's actually a pretty gay movie, it's a battle love triangle with three men.

Yeah, Jimmy Holly.

And that's when he just hits them.

That's when he loses it.

Yeah.

Don't you ever say Bobby De Niro is gay.

He has a spray bottle.

He just sprays.

Stop it.

Yeah.

And that's how bad their insurance is.

Bobby the Niki.

they have to stick with him.

Bobby the nice guy.

Oh, I like that.

Hey, who's this?

Bobby the nice guy?

Hey, it's me, Bobby D, the nice guy.

Bobby the nice guy.

You talking to me?

No, I'm just saying you shouldn't

rape girls.

You shouldn't know what you're doing.

I'm just saying who a nice guy is.

Yeah, no, I'm just saying, Queen, you look beautiful today.

No, I'm just saying, it was a really good post, Queen.

No, it was a good post.

Hey, it's me, Donnie Simpanero.

Hey, hey, how you doing, Donnie?

How you doing?

Normalized dating sex workers.

Hey, hey, you know what?

It's a woman's choice.

Literally, what are you going to do?

You're going to fucking tell a woman what she can do with her body

and post, baby.

Post it up.

I love Queen.

Yeah.

Give me your only fans, Queen.

Everybody was there.

Frankie the tanky, Tommy Simpanero.

Mikey, college sports guy that pretends to be a leftist, but occasionally he lets his true colors show.

He's deeply pro-police.

Day them Frankie was there.

Yeah.

Hey, my name's Antonio de Lemonado.

Hey, I'm fucking genderqueer over here.

Hey, genderqueer.

Sometimes I put on a, a shirt.

I look like a guy short, but every once in a while I put on a skirt.

What's wrong with that?

I had one that was like, that was like

something.

I wish I could remember.

It was like an Italian name that sounded trans.

It was pretty good.

I was thinking about it while driving that charger around.

Hell yeah, dude.

Just, yeah.

The absolute power in a charger.

Just cutting people off.

I'm fucking, I'm sad.

I'm grieving.

I'm on my way to the bathroom.

Damn, what if I just threw up in the middle of the podcast?

That's the next step for the show.

Just on the mic, just vomiting all over myself.

Just keep going.

How about a Chinese version of Star Wars?

A Chinese version, Job of the Hut.

He's like, you know, he speaks the same.

And then Han Seoul was like, I guess I don't speak Chinese.

Yep.

I don't know.

Something like that.

There we go.

What would he look?

Maybe he has one of those triangle hats or is that Vietnamese?

I don't know.

What the?

You know, I never really understood that thing with Jabba.

So fucking, Han Solo owes him a bunch of money.

Yes.

And he can't pay it back.

So Jabba just wants to turn him into a statue.

Did he?

Doesn't he want him dead?

No, he freezes him in carbonate.

But that's because they're going to pay for him.

Darth Vader and shit is going to pay for him.

Oh, Darth.

Oh, they want him?

I think so.

Oh, okay.

I don't remember.

Why does Darth Vader want him?

What is Darth Vader after in those movies?

He wants to get Princess Leia's pussy.

He wants to fuck his own daughter and suck his son's dick, I think.

I guess.

I don't know what he's after.

I guess he's trying to kill Luke because he's a Jedi.

Yeah, he's trying to kill him or convince him to join the dark side.

Yeah, join the dark side.

That's what it is.

Yes.

I still don't understand the plot of the movie.

So no one has the force anymore.

Everyone used to have it, and now no one has it.

No, everyone didn't used to have it.

A few guys had it.

There's a lot of guys that had it.

A lot of guys used to have it.

Back in the olden times.

But now it's just some dumb bitch whose grandfather was Hitler.

Yeah.

That's the best part about the New Star Wars spoiler alert, everyone, is that basically

the moral is like...

Does Rey turn out to be somebody's daughter?

Yeah, she turns out to be the emperor's granddaughter out of nowhere, Emperor Palpatine.

It makes no fucking sense.

That's gay.

And he's dead, but they're like, he's actually not dead.

The movie starts and they're like, by the way, he's he's not dead.

He's been actually just, he was gone for a little bit.

He got thrown into the engine.

Yeah, he's like,

and then they make up like some planet that he's been hiding out on.

That's some secret Sith planet.

It makes no fucking sense.

But again, I just saw it on Mushrooms and it was good.

And the best part was a monkey that repairs Kylo Ren's helmet.

That's pretty fucking funny.

Yeah.

And this little guy, Babu Frick, who rocks.

And

the characters I liked were the ones in Rogue One, those Chinese guys.

Yes.

Those are the best.

Those Chinese guys were awesome.

They were like, you know, like, what are you trying to do in the galaxy?

Like, I have no idea.

This movie's gay.

Yeah, this shit sucks.

We're just trying to go to work.

Yeah.

We're just trying to cash a Disney paycheck.

I'm just trying to get our.

We don't care.

I'm trying to get SAG health insurance.

Because you can always go wrong.

I feel like anytime they put a native New Zealander in a movie, it's a mistake.

Interesting.

Why do you say that?

They always bring that Maori bullshit into every movie.

That is true.

Even in space.

They're doing the dance.

They're doing a haka.

It's like, all right.

You can't just be a regular guy who happens to be from New Zealand.

Exactly.

You got to fucking put that New Zealand stink on everything.

I totally know what you mean, though.

George Lucas is like, can we pause for a second?

We got all the representation stuff out, but the puppets.

So we really don't need you doing the Haka.

I've done it all.

We've already done it.

There's a pterodactyl that's supposed to be from fucking Tasmania.

We don't really need you showing off your face tattoos if you could stop rubbing the makeup off and take the bone out of your nose.

He's just wearing the lightsaber through a hole in his nose.

My name is Taku Tuku Tuku.

This is no, your name's Eric.

Well, in this, your name is Eric.

Your name is Eric.

You're acting.

That was the other funny thing is that they had like a like the John Boyga's character who but John Boyga rocks by the way.

He's just been trolling Star Wars fans on Twitter.

Yeah, my character fucks Ray.

That guy fucking rules.

But that's how he literally said, it's not about who kisses, but who lays the pipe first.

Yeah, I love it, dude.

Just implying his character fucked Ray off-screen.

It's not in the movie at all.

He's just like, yeah, I fucked her.

And People getting so mad.

I'm just so upset about how disrespectful it is to your fucking dumb character.

I just love it because it's like the people who are in the movie, because it's like Star Wars fans make the mistake of thinking that the Star Wars actors are like Star Trek actors where you sign your soul to the devil when you become a Star Trek actor.

Right, right.

It's like this is you.

Not only your typecast, but now you have to like be a part of it.

Every dumbass convention.

There's no room for a guy that just is in Star Trek and then is like, yeah, that shit's gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where you can be like that with Star Wars, especially the newer ones because they're like, it's just like it makes you so famous.

That's what you're doing.

There's that famous clip of Harrison Ford in some interview.

Oh my God.

I love it.

Did you shoot Greedo first?

Or did Greedo shoot you first?

I uh I don't

care.

I uh

I'll never give a shit about

this is some of the gayest shit ever made.

Uh, you're gay.

Shut the fuck up, you fucking dude.

Oh, suck my dick.

Suck my dick, you little homo.

Just take a shot at that guy's fucking dead face.

You're gay.

Shouts out to fucking yeah, it was awesome.

And at the end, John Boyga, they like, he has force powers, I guess.

And then, but yeah, they tease that he's gonna like fuck Ray or whatever.

And then they just like make up like uh

they just they just find another black, there's just like a black lady.

They're like, oh yeah, John Boyga will be staying with the black woman.

And he does, even though he has force powers, it's only the two rich families that get to actually be Jedis.

You just get to be a guy with the fucking force, and you get to fuck.

I mean, the lady was hot as shit.

She was hotter than Ray.

The black lady?

Yeah.

Although, I would also fuck Ray.

Don't get it twisted.

John Boy RD.

John Boy R.

D.

Boy, John Boy Ardiga.

Yo, what's up, man?

My name is John Boy Ardiga.

He's me, John Boy Ardiga.

It's me, John Boy Ardiga.

Yeah, I don't know.

Have you seen Attack the Block?

People say that's good.

That's basically

how he got into Star Wars.

No.

but I'm tired of British people that are good at acting.

Okay, I like it.

Because they all have the same story.

They're like international celebrities, and they were in one movie called like

Tough Guy Shire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Grumpy Shire.

It's about the 15th Street boys

have an Earl from an orphanage, and they do each other's tattoos and steal car parts.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Just those fucking, like, bleak, washed-out, you know, British working-class movies.

Kind of like Peaky Blinders.

Yeah, I guess that kind of shit.

But, you know, they're all in one of those, and then

they're the then they're in X-Men.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, that's how it goes.

You make one good movie, and then you just get to be fucking famous.

Yeah, they're all like, but they're all like spoiled British children.

Yeah, that have been to like acting academies.

Yeah, the Royal Academy of Acting.

What a name for a school.

I know.

There's a school in New York called the Professional Children's School.

Can you imagine how much of a bitch you'd have to be to go there?

None of you sloppy little children.

Mom, Dad, I want to go to the professional school.

Professional children.

I want to be better than those kids.

I'm better than them.

I'm a professional child.

That suck.

Professional child?

Yeah.

Is that a cover to rape kids?

I hope so.

Because if it's not, that's fucked up.

Yeah.

Is that how you say it?

Like, look, I'm not fucking any.

These are professional children.

They know what they signed up for.

These kids are pros, dude.

This is Jeffrey Epstein's defense.

She was a pro.

She was a pro child.

What does he sound like?

Shouts out to fucking the pedophile billionaires staying in the presidential race.

Big Mike.

Little Mike Bloomberg.

Yeah.

I love that dude.

Just another rich pedophile.

Yeah.

Is he a pedophile?

He was on the logs.

Oh, was he?

Oh, yeah.

Mike Koonberg.

That's what they call him.

Coomb?

Yeah, they call him out on the planes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because he loves a coom.

What's coom?

It's come, but it's how they say that

that, okay, computer or

not, what is it?

Thanks computer.

What's the name of the guys that did the moms video with MD?

You know that line.

The Sam Hyde

like I can't wait to coom.

Oh, oh, moms.

The one where they have all those old bitches.

That was a good video.

It's one of the funniest videos of all time.

It's pretty good.

One of the greatest lines of all time.

Maybe I'm just so cool I want to die.

There's never been a funny.

That was probably ad-libbed.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Most of that show is probably ad-libbed, I feel like.

Yeah.

One of the funniest things anyone's ever.

And I'm putting that up there with Mark Twain.

Oh, yeah.

Sam Cleb is funny guy, dude.

I love when people.

Maybe I'm just so cool I want to die.

Um,

yeah, Bloomie was out there having sex with children on that island.

Kuhnberg.

David Blaine.

David Blaine.

Bill Gates.

Yeah.

Surprise, you're 18.

Surprise.

Now you're 17 again.

Now you're 14 again.

14, but nine out of ten.

Mm-hmm.

What's Blaine up to?

Didn't he get didn't somebody say he raped them also?

All magicians rape.

For sure.

There's not a single magician that doesn't have blood on his hands.

Or his penis.

Yeah.

I mean, you got to think of gay ones.

What is the mental profile of from a young age, somebody that wants to go into tricking people?

You know, the biggest trick of all is sex without consent.

Yeah.

A lot of kids are interested in magic until they find out it's fake.

You know?

That is true.

And then you find out it's fake and you're like, oh, fuck this.

Yeah, fuck that.

I wanted powers.

But these guys are like, it's better that it's fake.

I'm a normal man,

and I'll learn how to fucking deceive people.

And I'll be doing Razzle Dazzle until before they realize it, my dick is in their mouth.

Yeah, I mean, I remember learning how to do this one:

thumb,

the thumb thing, thumb, pretend it's your fingertip, pretend you're pulling your finger off.

That's a good one.

And I remember doing that in first grade, and this Korean kid looked behind my head and figured out how I did it.

And I was like, You fucking piece of shit.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

No!

Just tearing everything off the walls.

You're a fucking beast.

Go back to fucking Korea.

Just being one of those kids and then having the school being like, he has emotional problems.

The problem with his emotions.

That's what they call it.

Back in the day, he's got an emotional disability.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, those kids were the funniest.

The ones that, oh, yeah.

Just freak out at the bottom.

Freak out, dude.

And then fucking, like, smash things in the classroom, like throwing graduated syllabus at the walls and fucking, like, trying to break the teacher's computer.

Absolutely.

We had a kid like that who would fucking get on all fours and crawl around and act and be like, oh, oh.

This is fucking little white trash kid named Mark.

He would just like break everything.

Like they literally, he was not retarded, but they put him in the retarded class for like four months.

He's kicking the pencil sharpener off the wall.

Yes, yeah, he literally like broke mugs and like threw shit against the wall.

Yeah, he was awesome.

He's got a child now.

His man is animal.

You know what I mean?

He would literally get on all fours and just hoot and holler like a monkey.

Well, I was jealous of those kids because they represented freedom to me.

Yes.

You know, what you could be.

What you could be if you were just missing that, whatever the regulator is.

The governor.

We're regulators.

We make it so that we don't act retarded.

You can't be some geek off the street.

What's that?

The regulators?

Yeah,

the beginning part of the

that song?

Yeah.

Let's get some vibes going.

We're regulators.

Regulators.

We've had sex.

We've had sex.

Where's you?

Where am I?

Oh, am I?

Here we go.

We're regulators.

Very cool.

Damn.

Welcome to the mind palace of Getting Pussy.

Welcome to Having Sex.

Having Sex the Podcast.

Having gay sex.

And we're having gay sex.

Gay sex.

We should just see the whole podcast.

We only got 15 minutes left.

We might as well do the rest of the show like this.

Just like this.

If your number ends in 71888, please report to the left directly to the showers.

That'd be tight if I should say laughter on loudspeakers.

That would probably fuck you up.

We've instituted a new policy to bring levity to the lives of the prisoners.

There will be a clown laughing

on the loudspeakers.

It's not so bad to get genocided.

It's your fault that you're in here.

Shouldn't have been a Jew.

This is what you get for owning the banks.

I'm gay.

Welcome to Auschwitz.

Welcome to Auschwitz.

You are fucking gay.

Good

morning,

Auschwitz.

We're coming at you live from the East Prison Wing.

It's me, DJ Robin.

DJ Robin.

DJ Robin Williams.

From Auschwitz.

Good morning,

Auschwitz.

It's another cloudy day.

Who can tell?

Is that just smoke from the towers?

Seems like it.

The towers.

Hmm.

He's running out of gingerbread.

Robin Williams hitting a roadblock.

All DJing and Algebra.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

The ovens.

How come you never.

Makes me feel like the gingerbread man over here.

Running around.

You're not going to catch me.

I guess I already did.

Maybe if I was a little bit sweeter, not enough spice

like a girl would have.

Girls.

Hey, you got any girls in here?

Maybe that'll lighten the place up.

They got their own camp.

What's next?

Letting them vote?

Okay, it's time for my lunch break.

Vietnam.

R.I.P., man.

Yeah.

Gone too soon.

That would have been a great gig for him.

DJ

concentration camp.

Yeah, in charge of the radio

at Auschwitz.

It's funny how it's almost been 100 years since the Holocaust, and it's still so funny.

Yes.

Absolutely.

That's the big takeaway.

Yeah.

I would say still funny, not just recently, pretty funny.

Because things weren't funny back then.

The funniest thing they had was loony tunes.

That was, I mean, some of that.

It was like, what if a dog wanted to fuck?

Yeah.

What if a dog wanted to have sex with a woman at a nightclub?

Yeah, it was a wolf, man.

Come on.

Oh.

It's a type of dog.

You're right.

You're right.

I'm going to take that back.

Whatever happened to the stop cat calling movement?

Did they realize that that was just completely racist?

Yeah.

I think they realized it was a part.

They were stifling Latinx culture.

They were stifling black and Latina.

They were silencing brown bodies.

So they stopped with the stop cat calling culture.

What are you looking at?

Come on, man.

It's only two of us.

No, I'm trying to look up the

cat.

What is it called?

I was trying to remember the name.

What is it?

Ho Hollaback.

Was that what it was called?

That is definitely racist if it was called Hollaback.

Yeah, it was called Hollaback.

Cat Caller.

I ain't no hollaback girl.

Yeah.

Hollabacks.

I don't want to suck off a man because I'm gay.

My dick is fucking fucking small, but I am a fucking gay guy.

Yeah, cuz this is that was hollow back was the one where they had that woman walk around for ten hours.

Oh, yeah, I remember her she's pretty hot.

Yeah, well, I fucked her.

I actually did before you.

I actually did.

I actually did, and I didn't have to say anything.

Wearing a I get this in my recommended videos all the time.

Certified goon Judge Joe Brown gets cussed the hell out.

That video is

always in.

Yeah, somebody's acknowledging you for being beautiful.

You should say thank you.

This video was so goddamn funny.

Yeah.

Because they shot it.

This is clearly like

fucking near Astor Place or something.

Or like, it looks like maybe Tribe.

I can't identify it, but it's like people are like, they only did it in black areas.

It's like, no.

Yeah.

You can see in the video, there's everybody.

Okay.

Yeah.

A little fucking truth, trutherism here.

Mm-hmm.

It was a

party.

Well, what'd you go there for?

Gamble?

That's none of your business.

Oh, yes, it is.

That'll be a $500 assessment for impertinence.

Now, you want to get cute with me?

You want to tell me the truth?

You're being real cute.

That's another $100 assessment.

Come on.

I suggest you stop before I bust you badly, son.

But don't disappoint your mother.

Oh, you want to be like that?

Bring the witness in.

Yeah, bring a witness.

Imagine going on TV to go to small claims court and ending up in jail.

Yeah, I'm glad they recommended this to me.

This is great.

I want to see what the witness has to say.

Now.

Swear the witness in, please, Madam Sonia, if you would.

Yes, Your Honor.

Okay, stay quiet.

Damn.

Thank you.

Young man, please state your full name for the record.

William Winston.

Are you acquainted with the two individuals to your left?

Yes, sir.

Are you acquainted with the young man on the far left?

Yes, sir.

Where do you know him from?

Linwood.

All right, now, are you familiar with the subject matter of this proceeding?

Yes, sir.

Now, do you have anything to add to this?

I was in the car with him.

Who's him?

Brandon.

When we left the motorcycle club.

Where were you guys?

I believe it's like Bredondo.

Okay, what's the name of the club?

The Red Break.

The Motorcycle Club.

Yes, sir.

Go ahead.

When we left the motorcycle club, I got in the car with Antonio.

All right.

I left, we got in the car, we left.

I asked him if he could take me home.

I stopped, and then

I asked Brandon if he can take me home.

So Brandon was going to take me to my house.

So, I got out the car with Antonio.

When I jumped in the car with Brandon, he was driving real fast, speeding.

All right, get to the part where he tells Joe Brown to fuck off.

I think it already happened, bro.

Is that it?

It better be not just be the rest of this fucking trial.

I think it literally is.

I want to see this guy get lit up by Joe Brown.

I have no clue.

Because you're lying.

I'm not lying about anything.

John, you're lying.

You're lying.

You're lying.

You think the no trial breaks.

You're not trying to rip this out.

You won't be walking too far without a warrant for your arrest.

There's also an ongoing investigation going on.

This is about people clapping.

Like you're in the middle of the morning.

Send that man to prison, Joe Brown.

Right, for perjuring in small claims.

We love getting people in jail for dumb bullshit.

Damn.

Judge Scream.

Judge J uh Judge Joe

Pussy Brown.

You know what?

It's weird.

You never see the Scream Masks in stores anymore.

They used to be you go to CVS or on the holidays, and it's like, I guess I'll be the Scream Mask.

Scream Guy.

Did you have Scream Guy years?

I never had Scream Guy years.

I flirted with having the scary movie with the tongue tongue-out Scream Guy.

You remember that?

It was after they get him high.

Yeah, I mean, I just wanted candy.

The last couple years I went, I remember thinking the last year I went, I just wore like a fucking ski mask

and a hoodie.

I'm like, I'm a criminal.

I'm a fucking bad guy.

I'm a bad guy.

And you were 17?

I'm a bad guy.

No, I think maybe 13, 12, 13 was probably it.

Yeah, there is a time where you realize I can just buy candy.

It's not that expensive.

Right.

There's no reason not to.

Yeah.

No, I never had screen masks in years.

I used to like getting dressed up, dude.

I had a couple nice ones.

Yeah, what did you do?

Fucking one of them.

A pumpkin, a circle.

Pillsbury Doughboy.

Were you?

Yeah.

And it crushed.

Yeah.

It crushed, bro.

I remember.

Would your mom make you a little hat?

I bought a chef's hat, a little chef's hat.

My mom worked at a restaurant.

She just gave me a little chef's hat.

And did you put a pee on it?

Yes.

And then what, a little blue handkerchief?

And then completely naked.

Fully nude.

Walking around the streets of Greektown with my little penis out.

They were like, oh, the Billsbury Doughboy.

No one was alarmed.

Everyone was like, yeah, there he is.

Billsbury Doughboy.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, being naked is so funny.

Yeah.

I hate it, but it is funny.

Being naked with a hat on is awesome.

Just naked, but like you've made a choice to not be naked in other ways, where your dick is out.

Just be on one of those survival shows.

You're completely new, but you got like a Terrence Malik hat on.

Just an Indiana Jones hat.

Don't look at my dick.

Don't look at my penis, you fucking Star Wars.

Don't look at it.

Did you suck Greedo's dick first?

Or did he suck your dick first?

I don't care.

I'm about to rape you.

I'm about to fuck you and your nerd ass.

Harrison Ford starts raping every nerd that annoys him.

Why don't you ask me about Witness?

That's a much better movie.

What's Witness about?

I don't know.

Harrison Ford's Big Bangers, of course, are Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones, the Fugitive,

the Fugitive,

Air Force One, Air Force One, Star Wars,

Blade Runner 2049.

Was that good?

It was fine.

Yeah, it didn't look good.

Yeah, how about AIDS Runner?

Okay.

And then it's like in the future, no one knows who's gay.

You can't tell if you're gay.

It's impossible to tell in the future because everyone is a robot.

Everyone's either gay or straight.

And you can't tell who.

It's impossible to tell.

And every gay guy has AIDS, by the way.

AIDS Runners are guys who have to go around killing people with AIDS before they give it to

so they have to figure out if you're gay.

And there's a bunch of questions.

That's on the screen.

The text on the screen.

There's a bunch of questions.

And then it just cuts right to the guy smoking.

What is it?

Not the Dunning-Kruger.

That's if you think you're good at something and you're not.

The Vilks, what's the name of the test?

I don't fucking remember, dude.

Come on.

You're sitting there.

Wow, I know that.

You're You're walking down the street and you see a penis.

What do you do?

I don't suck it.

Simple, my good man.

I don't suck it.

I don't suck on it.

The guy's looking.

He's salivating.

Yeah.

I don't suck it.

He's watching his eyes dilate.

That's disgusting.

You wake up, you have a nightmare, you're getting fucked in your ass.

What's all over the inside of your pants?

Shit, I scared myself shitlessly.

Shit, it's not calm.

It's definitely not calm.

I've never had sex with a man,

hell yeah.

I'll take that test, dude.

Is there a part where a woman sucks you off?

There is.

That's the ultimate test.

That's swordfish.

They're like, you think you're good at hacking?

Once you try hacking, we're getting your dick sucked.

Also, like, what kind of bad guy move is that?

What happens if he doesn't do the hacking?

And then they're like, well, I guess we kill him.

And then the woman has to be sucked.

So I just had to suck that guy's dick for no reason.

Yeah, it's also he passes, and then it's like, now that bitch is just her co-worker.

You got to see her around the office and be like, so

how's work on?

A lot of new recruits this week.

Did he ever get his dick sucked again?

I don't think so.

The movie sucks.

Yeah, it was horrible.

Doesn't it turn out like John Travolta's the good guy or something or trying to trick the government?

I don't know.

I mean, I barely remember it.

I love movies where the bad guy is actually secretly the good guy.

Yeah, like Titanic.

No, not like that.

That's one where you have to make a case.

I mean, it's baked into the fucking...

No, like A Time to Kill.

I haven't seen that.

But like The King of New York.

In The Time to Kill, fucking Samuel Jackson plays a black guy who murdered two guys that raped his daughter.

Yes.

So he's on trial.

And the whole time you're like, I hope they electrocute this black guy.

And then Matthew McConaughey does a speech at the end where he says to the jury, you know, he describes him raping the daughter.

And then he goes, now I want you to imagine that little girl was white.

And you're like, whoa, I never thought of that.

Whoa, that is fucked up.

Holy shit.

I guess it was bad that they raped her.

And then you're like, surprise, twist ending.

Turns out Samuel Jackson.

Sort of justified, but still deserves the death penalty.

He deserves it, but we feel bad about it.

Yeah, I look at that sub what being a judge is for the most part.

Having not looked into it at all, but you're like, Yeah, you know, you're like, We must uphold the law, and so he will go to jail.

He will go to jail, even though probably those guys did deserve to die

for raping a child, and now he must die, but he has to die.

All right, well, I gotta go take a shit.

Okay, well, thanks for listening, everyone.

Um, stopby.biz/slash tour,

bands in town, yeah, also also slash Nick Mullen.

Come town.merchnow.com if you want shirts.

There's now an unlimited supply because the print shop is just printing on demand.

Smart move, bro.

That's good.

And you don't have to do that shit.

And they can't figure out how to get it to work on my website.

So we have to use their website.

So it's come town.merchnow.com.

Yeah.

All right.

Come to Australia too.

Go to come.

What is it?

Come town.advance.

Come town.advance.

That's right.

We canceled Adelaide, so suck our fucking dicks if you live over there.

But everywhere else, we'll see you soon.

All right, bye.

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