Ep. 183 – pilgrims and indians

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Your ring, your way.

Fuck.

God damn it.

Check.

Yeah, I should get a long

record like that.

Yeah, dude, because I need to recline, dude.

So I guess we got two big things that neither of us can talk about.

Yeah, my dick and my balls.

Yeah, huge things.

There's something we can talk about.

What do you guys think about this?

This

thing I can talk about.

What?

I was disrespected this weekend.

Oh, yeah.

absolutely disrespected this weekend.

Outside of a club, outside of a nightclub.

You were in a club?

I went to a club.

Why?

Players and twinks.

I went to Twinks and Players.

My idea for a business is

basically it's for like, you know, the low-tier players, but we invite little skimp-ass white dudes also.

So then

they can mug on

the twinks and feel better about themselves instead instead of losing all the pussy to Debo.

Oh, that's good.

So is the idea that they would fuck the Twinks or that they would be.

Oh, no, no.

It's not a gay club.

It's not gay.

Guys like Adam go there to strike out.

I see, man.

And the black man.

If the other guys feel better.

But in exchange, Adam drinks free.

Now, are there any women?

You drink free if you win the smallest dick competition.

That's good.

And you get half of your $70 cover back.

That's awesome.

That's cool.

I like that idea.

I got Death Stranding, and I like the menu so much, I don't think I'm going to play it.

It is.

It's really pretty.

Yeah.

I wonder if there's some music that goes along with this.

Let's get some some Slan Bianch going.

I love Slan Beyance.

Slob non-Bianche.

Slab nombian.

Slambiance.

Anyway, I was outside of a a nightclub.

What literally, what were you doing there?

I went out to a club with friends.

Like for fun.

To be a single person going to a club.

To a dance club.

I wish I had fun.

You know?

I took ketamine.

'Cause I hear that's what they're doing.

Who's the crew?

Like, Like, what are these just?

I went out with, I'm not going to name the names.

You're going to make fun of me.

Oh, Shlomo.

I went with Ari and Ezra.

Ephraim and

Menachem.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Did you guys get a nice?

The two of them are leaving.

I said, there were these two girls we were dancing with.

I said, I'm going to stay and keep dancing with these ladies, right?

But I'll walk you out.

Wait a second.

There's three of you and there's two women.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Two girls we know, kind of, whatever.

But I said,

I want to keep dancing.

I want to keep parting.

I'll walk you guys out.

And I'll smoke a cig outside.

And I'll say goodbye.

I'll say goodbye, and then I'll go back into

this hellhole club that I'm in that I'm pretending is fun.

Where is this?

And what neighborhood?

It's in like East Williamsburg.

Okay.

So I have a cigarette.

You're in an abandoned warehouse, basically.

Kind of a warehouse situation.

I have an unlit cigarette, no lighter.

I see a gentleman, a Mayo-ass, cracker-ass, soy boy-ass gentleman

and his East Asian girlfriend on the side, and he is smoking a cigarette.

Listen, listen.

Okay, listen.

So

I have my unlit cigarette.

I approached him.

I said,

sorry to interrupt.

Gong.

Babe, let's get out of here.

I approached him.

I said, yeah, this place sucks.

He's just fucking wall.

Yeah, this place sucks.

He's just talking that way.

Yeah, no, so I approached him.

I said, hey, sorry to interrupt.

Could I get a light?

I showed them I had a cigarette, of course, but you're not.

I'm not looking for a cig.

You just need to light it up.

Just a light.

And he turns to me.

He's like,

sorry, I don't have a lighter, buddy.

And I was like, oh, okay, well, um could i just light my cig off off of your cigarette and he looks at me and goes that won't be happening oh my god so i so i stood there and i was like i was just frozen i was just shocked yeah i was just like what

i was like what what i'm sorry i'm sorry dude i'm not even mad but i just i just would love to know

i would love to know the rationale behind you saying no Yeah, you cannot light a cigarette off of my cigarette.

And he turns to to me, he says, this conversation is over.

Oh, my God.

You got to fuck that guy up, dude.

I'm going to have to punch it.

So then me and so Ari and

just saying he's friends with, you know who.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A certain

Baristasa.

Baristasisa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, no.

Wait, I don't know.

Okay, so anyway, so Baristisa.

So I'm like, so I'm like, all right, fuck this guy.

You know, there's some other people smoke a cigarette.

But we're laughing.

We're like dying laughing because it's such a.

a mad.

I'm laughing.

I'm like, this is so weird.

Why?

Why did he do that?

What if

the cool move, like when go back to your car and then come back with a gun?

No,

that taser thing that Garth has in Wayne's.

You should have kicked the cigarette out of his mouth.

So I said, so I said, okay, so we're laughing.

And then, like, we're standing in a circle.

I'm like, what could it have been?

Yeah.

Maybe he was getting in an argument with this girl, right?

Maybe he was like, yo, he's just like, I'm not,

I can't do this right now.

You know, maybe

you know, maybe he thinks I'm someone else.

Maybe it was a classic state

case of mistaken identity.

Maybe he thinks you're Adam Friedland from the racist podcast.

Maybe, and then I said that, and then my friend was like, you're delusional.

No one fucking cares about that.

Yeah.

And then

his girlfriend walks up to us.

We were about like 20 feet away.

We were all kind of laughing.

Somebody nailed a here.

Yes, and like within three blocks, yes.

Of what people do care where we are, basically.

I guess.

Maybe we weren't far from here.

Yeah.

And she walks up and she said, she's like, do you guys really want to know what it was?

And I was like, yeah.

Asian girlfriend?

Yeah.

She was.

Okay, say it again.

She said, do you really want to know what it was?

And so I said,

I said, yes, yes, please.

We're all like, we're all trying to figure out what it was.

I would love to know.

And she said, it was your conduct.

And I was like, what are we in the military right now?

She said, your conduct on the dance floor.

And I said,

your conduct.

And I said, would you have your cock out?

I said, what?

What do you mean?

She said, you guys walked in the club.

You were pushing everyone around.

You were ruining everyone's night.

And I was like, I'm like, I think you're thinking of different people because I was standing in the back because I do not like to be touched by people on drugs.

I like to have a little bit of a buffer zone in space around me.

I don't like being in the middle of the dance floor.

It makes me uncomfortable.

And I suffer from claustrophobia.

You three out of the way.

She said, I don't know.

She's like, I don't owe you white men anything.

While her white boyfriend was standing on the bottom of the game,

unbelievable.

And so I was there to do the song.

I would have lit her up.

I mean, to say, I don't owe you white men anything.

She said, I don't owe you white men anything.

Because your fucking annoying boyfriend wouldn't light your cigarette because you were pushing people on a fucking dance floor.

So I said to her, I said, Do you think there is a possibility that you're thinking of someone else?

It was dark in there.

You could have been lie of someone else.

You couldn't dress like me.

You clearly can't tell the difference between white and black men.

And then she turned to us and she said, The only way I keep answering your questions is if you pay me.

Oh, my.

And then she walks away.

And then her boyfriend takes out another cigarette and lights it.

And he says, Have a good night, boys.

And then they get in an Uber.

Jesus Christ.

And hilariously, you were kind of owned by them.

No, well, sir, you got right.

You're really owned by two of the worst fucking biggest.

How do we get owned?

I mean, I was just trying to ask them.

You didn't get fire.

And then you, you're like, and then after they owned you, you went back for a second helping.

They came back to us.

We walked away.

Well, here's the thing, man.

That is.

Now, I don't condone violence, but this is a time where you do have to fight that guy.

That would be the event where there's finally a video that gets me canceled.

Like, you got to say, that's where we have a guy.

I don't know, man.

Or at least you don't let him talk to you that way.

Yeah.

Well, she was talking at the end.

I mean,

the only thing he said was like, no, that won't be happening.

I mean, this conversation is over.

Two things.

And then you just say,

right, you just say.

You don't have to say to you.

Yeah, you should just say, you don't have to be a cunt about it.

Never mind.

Yeah.

And then you walk away.

I start laughing.

The ball's in his court.

And if he wants to say anything, you say, no, you're being a dick.

No, shut up, bitch.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

When they walked back to us, we were like, you guys are ah, like, like, like, uh, Ezra was just like, you guys are assholes.

Like, we were like, fucking, like, we're like, what's your fucking problem right now?

Oh, so robbing Ezra of his.

Shout out to Ezra.

Shout out to Ezra, a young king, a young king, and a cumboy.

Ezra's 12 years old.

No, he is.

He is almost 12 years old.

No, he's 24 years old.

Adam's hanging out with my Jesus.

I'm children

at a fucking dance club.

I was hanging out with my Janzettes.

She's like, listen, you want to know what it really is?

I'm trying to think you're a bad.

I'm trying to reinvent myself.

She's like, you know what?

It really was?

I don't like that you're out here molesting these children on this dance floor.

I can't wait to reinvent myself.

I'm ready for my next big fall.

Oh, yeah.

What do you think it is?

Oh, I don't know.

Something bad will happen.

And then I'm coming back.

We should

be detached.

Your problem right now is being too attached.

Uninvention.

We should reinvent ourselves as ketamine guys.

That's the new drug that I'm evangelizing.

You can be a ketamine guy.

How about ebetamine?

I'm on board.

Oh, Nick, we should do it sometime.

I've been feeling better lately.

I finally, honestly, it made me stop feeling depressed.

I finally got all my

shirts are gone, sold.

Yeah, so you got a haircut.

You look good.

I got my haircut.

Your beard's kind of trimmed up?

Yeah, I cleaned it up a bit.

Got the print shop.

I sent those, they had like 40 shirts left.

I mailed them off to the print shop, and they're just going to handle fulfillment from now on.

Beautiful.

You don't have to do shit from now on.

If you're trying to get a shirt, they're the same quality, they just come directly from the print shop.

Bro, Nick won't be touching them anymore.

I might do a thing where it's probably, I wanted to figure out where I could hold inventory.

So, in case people like, because sometimes people are like, can you sign it or whatever?

And I'll do that if they wanted to, but now I don't have a way to do that.

So, like,

but I couldn't figure out a way to hold inventory.

Nah, that's too many steps, brother.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, it is nice to have.

If I could set it up so that I only had to fulfill like 20 orders a day, then I would do it.

But like, this fucking like 450 orders going in overnight, yeah, it's too much.

Speaking of ordering things, the Stoppy Baby 2020 calendar is coming out.

Hopefully, by the time you have listened to this, pre-orders

pre-orders will be up hopefully by Thanksgiving.

Although,

I may be out of business.

Shopify payments put all my money on hold.

They're like, we have to do a standard review.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

Do you have any slurs in your shirts?

I don't think so.

But it's like, you know, I don't know.

I mean, you're always waiting for like one company or another to be like, we're not going to do business with you.

San Francisco can't be associated

with the Richard Gere Museum.

That's why you need to move your shipping operations to fucking Dubai, dude.

Yeah, we got to hit up Peter Thiel and do some like libertarian-style offshore shit.

That's true.

Yeah, have an island for sex with children and printing Richard Gere Museum shirts.

Two for one.

This is by Jeff.

By Little St.

James Island.

Buy Little St.

James Island.

Like, what kind of t-shirts is he making on there?

On that island.

Just call it New Little St.

John.

It's funny if it's been 15 years.

New Little St.

James.

We need to buy property and name it New Little St.

James, dude.

It's a totally different thing.

It's still called Little St.

James, but it's auto-tuned, like T-Paint.

Little St.

James.

We need to buy like one of the.

Do the Acentigue Islands.

Can we buy one of them?

Ast and Tits Islands.

Aston Tits Islands.

Hell yeah.

That's what I would call it if I was going there with me and

some of my friends from

the

contracting company I work for.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a construction manager.

I have been for 15 years, and we're going on our cruise to the Asen Tits.

Over to Ash and Tits Island.

As and Tits Island.

I'm going to get head on one of those wild ponies.

Yeah.

I saw Ford vs.

Ferrari.

Oh, let's get a review.

I took my dad.

Nice.

So dumb.

Perfect dad movie, though, right?

Oh, yeah.

He loved it.

Yeah, I mean, it looks stupid.

Christian Bale's performance, how was it?

It's a story of like Ferrari beats Ford at something.

Ford

beats Ferrari at something Italian.

Ford

some guy from America eats more linguine than the guy in Ferrari.

Ford rapes the Italian.

Yeah, Ford does rape.

Henry Ford goes over to Europe to rape the.

He outrapes the Italians.

The Italians.

Mama Mia.

Right.

We're not sin about the repair fascia anymore.

Something like that.

Yeah, but

it's very like one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen.

I mean, they got a good cast.

It is.

Well, it's definitely fun.

My dad loved it.

I had a good time.

But it's like,

yeah, there's so many.

Like the final scene in the movie.

It's about this Carol Shelby, who's like a

race car driver and designed race cars.

And this English dude that fucking was a race that raced the cars for Carol Shelby.

They get hired by Ford to make a car.

Isn't there a Shelby Mustang or something?

There is.

It's the same guy.

Nice.

So So they get hired by Ford to beat the Italian, to beat Ferrari at LeMond

or whatever.

But there's like, so there's one scene where the English Christian.

Is that the world?

It's like a 100-hour race.

It's 24 hours.

24 hours.

Yeah.

Oh, you had me at Mon.

Yeah.

It's like Laman's class's classes.

Yeah.

Laman's.

What is that?

Where they teach you how to give birth?

Yeah, they touched on it.

What a scam.

They let you stretch your pussy open.

Yeah.

They teach you how to stretch your pops.

They teach you how to kiss your wife on the mouth.

If my wife has a kid, I'm not going to be there.

Tell that bitch, dude.

I'm going to be at home gaming.

My last chance, too.

You didn't know.

Just FaceTime.

The most precious moment of my life, I'm going to waste it to Hosmel.

Yeah, in many ways, the moment your child is born is the worst moment of your life.

Yeah.

Because it ends your gaming life.

Wow, I always thought.

Because people are like, wow, it really changed my life, man.

And it's like, I mean, you have to tell yourself that.

Yeah.

Right?

Right.

Yeah.

No one's going to be honest.

Be like, it honestly is kind of whatever.

I didn't really feel that different, but now I have a lot more responsibilities.

Yeah.

The movie The Wrestler should have been called The Guy Who Was Chill About It.

The Guy Who Was Pretty Chill A Kid.

Yeah.

I love when he's just like, he finally gets his crack at reconnecting.

Like, yeah, I'm going to get my dick sucks into cocaine.

That movie's awesome.

My man, salute.

I saw it.

I know that's the absolute wrong message to take away, but that's how I'm gonna be dude.

Yeah, if I get the fuck with the equivalent of Marissa Tomei, mm-hmm.

Marissa.

Matitson ass island

one of the hospitals.

That's what I call her if I was

working at my contracting job.

15 years.

I saw a sneak preview of the wrestler when I lived in DC because I you guys are going to laugh at this.

I used to belong to a Facebook group called I Love Free Movies.

Nice.

And we used to get like way past the synagogue.

You're synagoguing.

My synagogue group.

They all did.

I love free meals.

I love free.

That's kind of like

intra-racial crime.

What's that?

Stealing movies.

Stealing movies.

But you know, it's just, you keep it within the community.

What do you mean, intra-racial?

Like, you should be able to pay for the movie

that are being made by the Jews.

Oh.

Anyway, I went and saw right intro is within the same.

And I got there kind of late and I sat in the front row and then Darren Aronofsky did a QA afterwards and then he walked up to me and he said do I do I know you and then I was like like stammering because I was like like you know 19 years old and like nervous and then he just goes oh you're just a fucking Jew and then he walks up

is that real yeah that's so fucking funny

he's like do I know you were you ever at those parties that what the fuck was that guy's name he's like you're just Jewish Jeffrey Epstein you know Brian was the gay guy Brian Brian Singer Yeah.

Do I know even those pool parties?

My boy Brian Bryce pool parties.

That picture of Kevin Spacey fingering some teen's ass is so funny.

Just rubbing it and biting his ass.

Like a morbidly obese person at the drive-thru at Checkers.

Just rifling through the bag.

You can see it in his eyes.

He just starts eating before he even pulls away.

Hello.

Hi, Kat.

Would you have sex with Kevin Spacey Adam?

For a career?

Yeah, they they would reboot House of Cards and you got to be this role.

I would be Frank Underwood.

You would be Frank Underwood.

I would turn to the camera and say, the plot is set.

Well, they don't know.

Every movie now has been recast with the victims of the perpetrators who originally had the roles.

That'd be hilarious.

That'd be great.

Yep.

I'm trying to think.

So you have Ghost Dad with

the bitch from

Just Shoot Me.

Damn.

Yeah.

Plenty of them.

Honestly, all the Cosby projects.

President E.

Gene Carroll.

Right.

A lot of people think of regime change and they think it's Shakshi.

They think of Shiria and they think of the Shaxual fantasy.

A lot of people think of Bashar al-Ashad and they think about how Shakshi is.

The Sexual Fantasy.

Okay, we'll be back after a break.

We'll be back after a brief break.

We are going to cut to a 45-minute commercial

while we

load Eugene Carroll back into her cage and drop her off at the mental institution.

I had an Uber driver coming back from the airport, and he was like, Where are you from, man?

He was like, This African guy, and I was like, Oh, Baltimore originally.

He's like,

Man, last time I was in Baltimore, I ended up having a kid.

I was like, What?

He's like, Yeah, man, the first time I ever fucked this woman, I got her pregnant.

And he was like, and then guess what?

Two weeks before that, I did the same thing on Long Island.

So this motherfucker, within a two-week straight, he had two children by two women.

He's only fucked once.

And they live, one lives in Long Island, one lives now.

The Baltimore woman moved to Jersey.

And he lives in the Bronx.

And he did not tell,

they don't know about each other.

Those guys have the best lies.

Dude, he was so carefree about it.

I was like, at first, I was like, I'm not hearing him.

Because this Dominican community, I mean, you know him, we're friends with him or whatever, but people were talking about relationships or whatever.

He's like, no, I don't cheat.

He's like, I can't do that.

I can't cheat on somebody.

It's like, why would you commit to be with somebody if you're going to cheat?

And then within the same breath, he admits that he has multiple girlfriends.

And what he does not do is

cheat outside of his six relationship.

He's like, because where I come from in my community,

he's like, you're gay if you're not.

because you're gay.

He's like, that's it's gay.

They call you gay and a faggot if you're not.

You remember in DC, my neighbor upstairs, Jerome?

No.

That guy that lived upstairs?

He was like, this like older guy.

He was in Vietnam.

He was living off his pension.

And like, I'd known him for years.

And like,

I kept finding out new things about him, just like wild things.

While like hugging and kissing.

No, no, no.

So like one day, like one day he's like,

I'm falling asleep.

He's like, what?

He's like, I ever tell you I was a clown.

And

I was like, you were a clown, Jerome?

And he's like, yeah.

He's like, well, get out of Vietnam.

Got a bitch pregnant.

Circus was in town.

This man joined the circus to be a fucking deadbeat dad.

He like joined the circus to be a clown so he wouldn't have to take care of a kid.

Jesus Christ.

You came up with the most racist joke about the Universal Circus in Sick.

It's like, well, these black dudes are trying to to dodge child supports and put on a bunch of clown makeup.

Perfect disguise.

Yeah, someone

found that in the market, dude.

It's cheap clown labor.

They're just trying to run from their life.

Jerome.

You don't pay them fast when you pay normal clowns.

That guy was the best.

He used to just literally hang out with just a crew of 17 to 19 year olds smoking weed all day long.

Wait, how old was he?

He was probably like 68.

Okay, well, this guy is not cool, dude.

What you're describing is a man who's having sex with children.

I don't think he was having sex with them.

I think he just really likes.

You think he was just chilling with 17-year-olds.

I'm pretty sure he was just chilling with them.

That's a funny thing about the children.

I'm pretty sure he had a child's heart.

Epstein probably, until like four years ago, thought he was just a baller.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then the Me Too stuff happened.

He's like, oh, I'm a pedophile.

I thought I was cool.

I thought I was balling.

Because that's why, like, fucking, people talk about Harvey Weinstein with that Ben Affleck quote about, like, yeah, Harvey loves the ladies.

Well, that's what Trump said in that interview about Epstein.

They're like, he loves the girls.

And maybe sometimes

on the younger side.

Pretty young girls, too.

Like, if Donald Trump is saying he likes them on the younger side, Trump would probably fuck 16-year-olds still.

Well, I'll tell you what.

The only way to be cool now is to have lots of money and have a cool wallet.

Oh, I agree with that.

To put the money in.

Or, yeah, it's not having sex with children, to be clear.

It's not having sex with children.

In fact, I would say that that's over the ridge.

The ridge of cool.

It's over the ridge of being cool.

You know that saying that everyone knows

something being over the ridge.

You don't ever want to go over the ridge.

The ridge of being cool.

You know what's

under the ridge is having a ridge wallet.

Having a ridge wallet, which is a ridge company.

They make Ridges.

Where the fuck is that?

Ridged for her pleasure.

Ridged for her pleasure.

That's

his pleasure, yeah.

You can fuck a man's ass with your zipper.

I know.

Adam was just readjusting my zipper.

Mine keeps falling down all the time.

Some woman stopped me in the grocery store and she was like, Sir, your pants are down.

I was like, I'm trying.

Bitch, shut up.

Yeah, I'm trying to get

hard.

I don't know if I want ham or beef.

Boof.

Boof.

Beef.

Yeah, I mean, the thing about the Ridge Wallet that's fucking awesome is that,

you know, you don't have bullshit.

There's no a lot of guys, a lot of fellas out there, they get too much bullshit in their fucking wallet.

You know, Macy's Macy's Day parade tickets, trucking, you know, a couple of receipts from the bathroom,

mints.

Those African guys that give you the mints and stuff, there's 22 receipts now.

Toothpaste samples.

That's good.

I have I used to keep a lot of that in my wallet.

Yeah, but the ridge wallet, what I like about it, no way to put a condom in there.

So the thing is you have to raw dog if you have to.

You have to raw dog, dude.

And she can't be mad at you.

Do you have a condom?

And you're like, I think that's over the ridge of me.

Yeah, you're not over you're not under the ridge, bitch.

You're over the ridge.

You're over the ridge.

Time to talk to the blade.

talk to the blade if you're over the ridge

anyways

yeah

we the ridge makes everyday goods to a standard you don't see every day that's so fucking true and they help you streamline your life by turning the things you carry like backpacks chargers and wallets into tools for better living

Well, they make backpacks and shit?

Oh, I guess so.

I had no idea.

That's pretty cool.

Our flagship product, The Ridge Wallet, was launched on Kickstarter in 2013 and now sits in the front pockets of over half a million men and women

and gender fluid folks.

Yes.

And then

to all three of our gender fluid listeners.

Now, I bet we got a few.

Who got into fights with the rest of the community?

Yep.

And so they're rebelling by listening to

if you want to be the equivalent of a black Republican, but for gender fluid people, and you're listening to this show.

Yeah, if you want to be that, what's that guy's name?

David Smith?

I don't know.

That sheriff.

David Clark.

David Clark, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you want to be that guy, the gay version of that guy.

Sheriff David Clark?

Sheriff David Clark.

The one who let people die in his prisons?

No, wasn't that the other guy?

Was that Arpeo?

Arpeo.

No, it was David Clark.

Every prison has people dying.

That's true.

I'm looking at their website.

Who was that shit with Arpeo?

They were like, this guy runs the worst jails in America.

And it's like,

what makes him the worst?

He's like, there's even more rape.

Yeah.

The conditions.

He's throwing Viagra in the water.

Yeah, the rich backpacks look pretty sick.

Let me see.

Pretty minimal.

Ooh, fuck.

Can I see them?

They would zip all the way down.

That was fucking good.

I want one of them.

My dick is.

I need a new backpack.

What else they got?

Here you go.

Oh, that is cool.

They got wallets and what else?

They got wallets.

Backpacks.

Knives.

We'd be.

They have body armor so I can do a they have mobile power, you know, so you could charge on the go.

I fuck with that.

Big I always need that.

Phone cases with two metal plates bound together by a durable elastic band.

The ribble bags look nothing like a traditional wallet.

Titanium, carbon fiber, and aluminum options.

Ensure that there is an option for every

dick stays on hard.

Your dick stays on capital H R D

H A R D.

It's like any R D, but for it's like Pharrell with a hard dick and the chi

other guy.

Cause I'm hard.

Everybody suck my dick until my dick isn't hard.

This isn't a Neptune song, but what about?

I wanna make love in this ass.

In this ass.

Busher.

Busher.

I wanna bust come in your ass.

Ridge is a minimal front pocket wallet that's designed to streamline what you carry every every day.

It has 30,000 five-star reviews, and it's better to carry your cash and cards.

I actually do use it all the time.

Nick literally uses it.

I started using it because

I wanted to get a new wallet.

I mean, I told this story last time.

Yeah.

I don't want to look.

Fuck you.

Just buy the fucking wallet.

Just buy the wallet.

You'll never have as many cool credit products as I do.

So

it's a fool's dream.

You'll never be Nick's.

How much debt I've incurred blowing all the money from the show?

Opening lines of credit.

Just waiting.

Just like fucking.

Yeah, buying games that I don't even play.

Blades.

He has a hundred copies of Luigi's Mansion.

I bought every copy of Luigi's Mansion, expecting it to go up in value.

I'm shorting Luigi's Mansion.

There's a lifetime warranty if you love it, and free returns if you don't.

It comes in titanium, carbon fiber, aluminum, and over a dozen different styles and colors.

Wow.

Get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash cometown.

That's ridge.com slash come town and use Come Town for the 10% off your order.

You heard that, folks.

You heard me right.

And if the Ridge people are listening, maybe send over one of them backpacks so we can shut the fuck up.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I could ask them.

To be honest with you, they sent way too many fucking wallets.

Yeah.

Give us a duffel.

Give me a duffel bag.

We'll send you some

duffel these days, but I need a good backpack.

Yeah.

They sent me fucking eight wallets.

And phone cases.

Yeah.

The phone cases are kind of nice.

Yeah.

They are nice.

I want to have sex with you.

You know me, though.

I'm brand.

I will destroy my phone using an Apple phone case.

Oh, really?

That is true.

You do buy every Apple accessory.

Not every Apple accessory, but like if I have the...

Because I ran into it.

Do you found like an Apple printer and shit like that, don't you?

No, I don't.

Yeah, I have a brother printer.

You're a Sony man, too.

Well, the Sony shit, why I did that specifically

with the Entertainment Center stuff, it's like the customer service for all these companies is dog shit.

And it's all these components that connect to each other.

So you call up Sony support if your receiver's broken.

They're like, oh, yeah, no, it's actually the DVD player.

And you'd be like, oh, well, you make that too.

So I guess here's the serial number for that.

They're like, ah.

And then they have to do their job.

Because you can't, it's fucking impossible to warranty anything if it's like any other.

Yeah,

So the one thing that wasn't Sony in the setup was that fucking cable box from

Optimum that did not work when they installed it.

And the guy left without it working.

And I called them up and they're like, yes, it sounds like your receiver's broken.

The box is perfectly fine.

The woman had the audacity to say it's perfectly fine to me.

But it's broken.

Yeah,

your stuff that worked fine is

broken.

And it's the cable box that we just installed that never worked at all ever.

So we're going to need you to be available between the hours of 12 p.m.

to 12 a.m.

No chance.

You have to bring the fucking box back to them.

I had to drive to like Bensonhurst to drop off

the cable box.

Jesus.

And then when I get there, because

they told me they canceled it.

I'm like, so I just dropped this box off and everything.

And they're like, yep.

And I get there, like, okay, well, they didn't cancel it.

So

you still got to pay for this.

I looked at my bill and it was like $350.

Never mind the fact that I've had internet with them for years.

No problem.

Never complained.

Never missed a payment or whatever.

And I was like, maybe I'll get cable news.

Just so I don't have to look at my phone.

Right.

Because then you get sucked into group chats or whatever the fuck you're doing online.

You can't like.

I'm not in a single damn group chat, bro.

I'm envious, man.

I'm not.

It really fucking like.

I don't trust the internet that much.

I think it's like lame to say you have a social media addiction when it's just like that's a that's a thing that's just like pretty basic self-control.

Yeah.

You know, it's not like heroin.

You know what I mean?

It doesn't feel as good.

Yeah.

It's like, yeah, if I stop using Twitter, I'll choke to death in my own vomit in my sleep.

Yeah, I'll go like that.

I'm group text threads.

Nope.

Just the just

good friends.

Yeah, I'm just us, and then I'm the Jews, and then another.

We have a hundred Jews.

Well, you know, you got different kind of Jews.

You got money Jews, book Jews, Twink Jews, Ethiopian Jews, Ethiopian Jews.

You're like, can we hang out?

And And you're like, no, no, no.

Get out of here.

No, come on.

Come on, bro.

The chicks hand.

You know what we meant by Jewish.

We thought, no.

Israel, you know what we meant by Jewish.

That's the new

motto.

Ethiopian Jewish women are some of the hottest chicks.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they're super hot.

I already fucked all of them.

I wish.

I did.

I wish I fucked them.

No, I did.

What are you talking about?

You?

All right.

Well, congrats.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, dude.

I have a weird fucking injury, my right quad.

What happened?

I don't know, dude.

I was just fucking.

I've been out of the gym for like two months.

I was getting it in at the hotel gym, the Hilton Hyatt, or the Hilton downtown.

Fuck, I'm going to go back on the road just to go to Hotel Gyms.

What was his name that you were getting in with?

At the Hotel Gym.

At the gym.

Who's the guy that was there?

I was getting in a workout.

What's up?

My name's Carl Snakes.

Hang out here at the Hilton.

Trying to have sex.

Meet guys.

I actually

just trying to meet some cool fellas down here.

I spent thousands of dollars in the Radisson gym.

I rent the hotel every night just for the gym.

Basically, I'm spending $10,000 a month on hotel rooms.

But I'm in this gym and I'm having I've had sex with three guys over the last five years.

So it's pretty good.

Those are pretty good numbers.

I'm paying for it.

So

that's how I'm going to fuck, dude.

Yeah, I've been out out of the gym for like two months, and like already my back hurts all the time.

My fucking knees hurt.

And it's like, I can either go to the gym and be in one kind of pain or not go and be in a different kind.

Yeah.

There's no.

Ain't that life, buddy?

You know what?

That's life.

That shit sucks.

Like they said in the Joker movie.

Which is

true.

It is due for a rewatch.

That's life.

You know, no one knew that this guy's actually...

His name's Frank Sinatra.

He's a brand new artist.

Before the Joker.

Before the Joker had ever heard of the Jerker.

No one had ever heard of Joaquin Phoenix.

Shut up, guys.

I'm just saying that one song was popularizing the Soprano.

No, no, no.

Oh, yeah, no.

Yeah, we know exactly what you mean.

That's life.

You get your penis suck.

Yeah, I'm feeling better.

I thought, you know what?

Because everybody was like, go to therapy.

And I was like, no.

You still should go to therapy.

You still should go.

Maybe.

Yeah.

But the answer is, you got to bootstrap yourself.

No, it is not.

You You just go to the bottom.

You got to.

Look,

a little man named Jordan Morgan's apartment.

You got to clean your room.

Yeah, clean your room and watch the little mermaid.

I agree, Nick.

I used to think the answer was booze and snizz, and now I know the answer is ketamine.

I've never once seen your...

You're like, oh, my apartment's a mess, and there's like a copy of National Geographic on the chair.

Well, I need something to check.

You're like, I need,

my.

You are messy.

That is true.

Yeah, you're not messy.

And even when you don't have a bitch living with you, you, you still have a bitch's apartment.

No, my apartment's cleaner when a woman doesn't live there.

I know.

But I mean, you also know how to paint it.

You're even cleaner than a woman, is what we're saying.

Like, I'm an idiot, and I like the worst decorating I've done ever is get a paint a picture of Mark Wahlberg that's not just smashed.

It's the glass broke.

I thought it was a good decoration.

Yeah.

I have another thing on my.

I got these, this eucalyptus.

I got a nice decoration.

I have a nice decoration that Nick found on the street after my mom got sick to cheer me up oh yeah which is that poster of like a mansion with like three lane rooms and helicopters and a speedboat a helicopter and it says like

what does it say on it it says like it's like the all the all the money in the world or everybody's got to have goals or something yeah something like that i love that

that is good yeah you're you're not yeah you're not you never have a fucking mess to you

Have you been gaming more?

Is that the answer, Nick?

No, actually, I have stopped gaming.

I stopped gaming.

Well, maybe that could be the answer, too.

No, man, I got to just

book stuff on the road.

If whatever lucky city gets to see the first weekend of me bombing my way through an hour with jokes I don't remember.

Well, who should I subject

to that?

Philly.

Go to Baltimore.

Seattle.

Go.

Go to Baltimore, dude.

Fuck it.

Yeah, I guess I'll.

I could do that.

You get a door deal?

Yeah, Umar, listen, I'm trying to bomb at your show.

I'm going to see Umar this weekend for Thanksgiving.

I'm doing shows.

Actually, come buy tickets to my shows in Baltimore this weekend, Thanksgiving weekend.

You fucking animals.

You don't want to be with your family.

Come see me.

And if you're in Las Vegas,

please come to the Freedland family for a Thanksgiving meal.

You're opening

the family door, the doors of the family home.

We might not be doing turkey this year.

We might be sous-veeding steaks.

That sounds talking about that.

You know what?

We're not

sous-eating steaks before.

What's the difference between them?

I got him a sous vide and fucking shake and bake.

I got him a nothing.

What?

Shake and bake?

They're the same goddamn thing.

I got my dad a sous vide for his birthday last year.

My dad used to make shaken bake for dinner like once a week, and he thought that was like culinary.

He's fucking making pork chops.

He's doing

molecular gastronomy.

Dude, I remember being like so mad when I had shaken bake.

I was like, what the fuck is this?

It's disgusting.

On the bottom, it just like wet.

Yeah.

I mean,

the juicy, crispy, fucking fatty parts, though.

Have you ever used it?

That's pretty good.

I haven't.

I bought one and I've never used it.

Shake and bake would be fun.

It should be shaken fry.

If you shake that, if you bread that and then throw it in the deep fryer for a second, that's probably pretty good.

Yeah, I agree.

I don't know if it would all fall off or whatever, but when you bake the shit, it gets slimy on the bottom.

Yeah, broil it with like Velveeta mac and cheese

and then drinking water out of like plastic cups.

We're having dinner.

I cooked for you.

Dinner's done, everyone.

You're devoted to that.

You're a class dad cooking out of an easy baked oven.

His other classic was just

was just like boiled chicken with like Casey

Masterpiece barbecue sauce.

Yeah,

awful.

Jesus Christ.

Really bad stuff.

God.

Divorce should be illegal.

No, no, he was married to the business.

He composed.

He was married.

Yeah, no, that was everyone.

Because nobody else knew how to cook.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Damn, dude.

You had no nutritional value growing up, dude.

Oh, no, none.

Yeah, a lot of Hebrew national hot dogs.

Oh, dude, me too.

Yeah, Hebrew National Hot Dogs and Nesquick.

They're good hot dogs.

Big hot dogs.

They're the best, dude.

They're the fucking best.

I remember thinking they are the best.

They discovered them.

Me too.

As if there's not four hot dog options.

Me too.

Because all my friends would eat shitty like SKs or the little ones.

Garbage.

Yeah, actually, I.

Hebrew Nationals.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the New Yorker.

It's the New Yorker.

As a fat child, yeah.

No, we were a Costco family, so that's what they sold at Costco's Hebrew Nationals.

We had it all.

Price Club.

Costco at the time was Price Club.

Yeah, it was Price Club.

And Sam's Club was,

fuck, what was it?

Fuck.

What was the Sam's Club?

Sam's Club is owned by Walmart.

Yeah.

It's Sam Walton.

I don't remember Sam's Club being a thing.

I remember when it dropped.

No, Sam's Club.

No, Price Club became Costco.

Or they merged.

My grandfather, when he retired to San Diego after

helping the South African government.

He was a lawyer.

But after,

and he died, his entire,

all of the money that he made his entire life, his two other sons thought that they were day traders and was completely wiped out in the 2009 finance.

Whatever, that's respectable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Risk versus reward.

A lot of people do day trading.

Respect.

It teaches you a lot about life.

Humility.

I don't know if my dad even got any inheritance, but whatever.

Here's the point.

The point is.

He did.

He just spent it on fucking rollerblades.

Yeah,

he

invested in a skate center

and over 40 men.

One day, my dad put on his rollerblades and went to go get cigarettes.

I'm just going to get cigarettes.

Anyway,

there's this old Jew in San Diego named Saul Price.

Love it.

Who went around to a lot of the other old retired Jews and he says, I have an idea for a business.

And he says, It's like you get like five gallons of olive oil and you get, and all the floors are concrete.

And my grandpa was like, Why would you need that much stuff?

And didn't do it.

Shut up.

And if he made the initial investment, I think it was like $10,000.

He would have made, like, it would have been millions of dollars.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you serious?

That's really what the guy's name is who his name was, Price.

Yeah, yeah, Sam Price.

Saul Price.

Price Club was a guy's name, not.

And then Kirkland

was a company Washington state and then Price Club and Costco wait hold on why do you know so much about this because I was thinking about your dad rollerblading yeah because because it's like it's a story about very nice moves Jerome him and his gay friends it's a story about how

very nice your twirl is coming along just like they have all got their dicks in each other's asses and then one of them is we're riding a big wheel in the front and holding his shoulder

uh it's a goodbye adam

No, it's a man of the house.

You love

like a trans person telling their son.

But you're the man of the house.

That's so funny.

No, no.

The reason I know so much about it is because it's a story about how

my family missed out on being billionaires.

Yeah, yeah, being like having tens of millions.

Your family invented Price Club?

No,

the guy that wanted seed money to start it, like, approached my grandpa and

his old South African Jewish friends in San Diego, and they all laughed at him.

And then he became incredibly successful.

Yeah.

It's funny because, like, the Costco business model is like incredibly sustainable.

It's so sustainable.

And they treat their employees.

Isn't it just make your money off the membership and nothing else?

Yeah.

And they just pass off the fucking, you know, wholesale savings.

And the return policy, folks, you can't beat it.

I had a roommate that would fucking like every six months take his Brita water filter, go to Walmart, buy a new one, save the package, put the old one in the package, and then go back to Walmart and return.

It's like it's just not worth the effort.

Yeah, I know.

And he's like, they got a no-questions, asked return policy.

It's like, they probably know what you're doing.

They don't give a fuck.

You said $12, bro.

Right.

How much does a Brita cost?

30 bucks?

I don't even know.

They're cheap.

I don't know.

I drink hours that took you to do.

Well, you drink tap water in New York.

I mean, other places, the water just tastes good.

metallic.

Some cities, I think, like Baltimore water.

Well, that's why you have all these congenital birth defects.

That's why you're bald and your penis doesn't work.

The water is fine.

I'm thinking, I'm much taller than that.

The water is fine.

The water is fine, yeah.

Yo, I'll be drinking this shit every day when I'm not drinking Matt and Dew's.

Yeah.

Which is right.

My mom drank it when she was pregnant with me.

I'm all those people for drinking nothing but Seramiss, and they're actually making a better decision.

Yeah, totally.

it's like the water in Flint's probably been bad since like the 70s, and no one realized

because they're all drinking Faygo.

I saw, did you see that Kyle Kuzma tweet from a couple years ago?

This NBA player that played

Kyle Kuzma, yeah, he said, you know,

Flint still doesn't have clean water, but we give Israel four billion dollars.

Woo!

And then

they found it.

He's a big Bernie guy.

He's a Bernie bro.

He's my favorite.

He's got the best drip in the game.

He dresses so good.

He's cute.

He's so cute.

And he also retweeted a tweet very briefly that had pictures of him and Genie Buss, the hot owner of the Lakers.

Who I think he piped down.

And they were like, and she's like all over him.

And it's like, and the tweet is like, LOL, I think we know the real reason Kyle Kuzma was untouchable in those train talks.

And he retweeted that.

And then someone's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

And he immediately unretweeted.

I think he had to delete that Israel tweet really quickly.

I think the Jews in the Lakers' front office were like, Kyle, you can't be putting this on the timeline.

Kyle, you're wrong about this.

Actually, I think it was maybe from like 2015 or something when he was in college.

When he was a ute?

When he was a ute.

But shout out to Kyle Kuzma.

Shout out to Kyle Kuzma, dude.

Respect to him.

I saw some.

Did you see that John F.

O'Donnell wants to be on the guest list tonight?

Tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

Any comic can come through to the show for for free.

Well, pump mic on the screen.

Yeah, let's not.

Don't say that on the fucking podcast.

I've done one open mic, and I have a gun.

If you know us personally, Adam, if you know us, any friend of ours that's,

we have had to talk, you've had to talk to us, and us have heard you and responded, not just you've listened to us talk.

Yeah, you can't be like what counts as you can.

You can't be running your mouth around town saying, like, oh, yeah, Savros and I are real tight.

One time he bumped me, and it was because we were best friends.

Just at home with the cleaning the gun,

listening to the podcast.

I can't wait to see my friends as a comedian.

You know the funny thing about mental illness

is that it's gay.

I'm gay.

That I'm gay.

You know the funny thing about being gay?

Is everyone expects you to act like you don't?

That actually is pretty good.

Yeah.

Maybe you should open with that tonight, Nick.

And you're returned to the bottom.

The funny thing about being gay is everybody expects you to act like you don't.

What do you get when you cross a gay guy

with,

I don't know, something else?

I don't know, but the answer is.

Listen, I got to.

You get your dick sucked.

You get your dick.

Suck the gunpoint.

The guy holding a gun to someone's head and sucking his dick.

Yeah, the dick sucked Joker.

I just love the visual of a guy.

Not all people are bad, Joker.

Some people are good.

Maybe Robert De Niro sucks his dick.

No, no, no.

The Joker sucks Robert De Niro's dick.

Oh, that's disgusting.

And he's holding the gun up.

Oh, that's a better visual.

That's a better visual.

A guy holding a gun up.

Joker, I don't know about this.

You could easily disarm a man whose mouth

has a penis in it.

Because he's not looking up at you.

No, he's looking up at you.

He's looking up.

I guess so.

I think it would be easier to disarm him.

You remember being a little kid?

That's what makes it so crazy.

You remember?

And think about how easy it would be to disarm someone.

Absolutely.

All the time, I'd be like, well, what I would do is someone.

Pop, pop, pop, pop.

I would do like five karate moves real quick.

In my mind, I'm like, well, I've seen someone else do it, and therefore I can do it.

And even the way I do it.

It would always involve a roundhouse kick.

Not understanding that that doesn't apply to even the most basic shit, like riding a skateboard.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Anytime that's been tested, it's like been a failure.

But I'm like, yeah, I would just do a flip over the car.

Can you do a flip regular without the car?

No.

No, but the car is essential.

But the car is essential.

Well, it's the adrenaline.

The thing is, the problem is I have sleeves on my shirt right now.

If I had that vest that said tough guy with a snake wrapped around the globe on the back,

a denim vest that says tough guys of the world unite.

And a Cobra smoking a cigarette.

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Then, in that case, Cabretti.

God, I love the movie Cobra.

Shit is so awesome.

Yeah, it's one of the funniest movies of all time.

It's the most alt-right movie.

Just a cop who just gets to kill whoever he wants.

That in death.

The best thing in the movie is when he just smashes into that guy's car while parallel parking outside of his own house.

The guy's like, come on, man, what the fuck?

And he just rips the dude's shirt.

And I love that his name is Cabretti.

That's an Italian Cobra.

That's why the movie is called Cobra.

The Italian Cobra.

Yeah, that's why the movie is cold.

Yeah, there's a grocery store robbery, and all of just the regular cops are there, but a detective shows up for some reason to kill everyone in the grocery store.

And he just wears his own shit.

He's just like leather.

You're welcome.

You fuck welcome.

Yeah, that was evil Stallone, dude.

Yeah.

We got to watch more of that Steven Seagal TV show.

Absolutely, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got to get back in the weed, back on the road, back in the weed.

Now we're talking.

Back in the watch.

Dude, I just bought a bong.

I'm just talking.

Yeah.

I just bought a bong at 32 years old.

What did you buy?

It's a higher standard.

I love it.

Honestly, I was like, I was in the ethical bong.

I was in the, you know that?

Let's do the show tonight.

I'll do your show tomorrow.

Get the week of bombing out of the way.

Get it out of the way.

Smoke some bomb.

And after Thanksgiving or whatever, we'll do Boys' Night here.

I love it.

Bong.

Bong.

Yeah.

This sounds awesome.

Steven Seagal TV show.

Yep.

Hell yeah.

Dude, I'm down.

And we will not be recording or streaming it.

Absolutely.

I'm sick.

We're not.

We'll

just be having fun.

Here's the thing.

We will actually be enjoying ourselves.

Yeah, you don't have to think about you pieces of shit.

Instead of doing this, a return job that we have to do.

Real friendship.

It doesn't make any money.

I'm sick of pens and oils.

I want to return to flowers and glass, dude.

I want to return to my roots.

I'm loving oil, man.

I got to be honest.

I got to go back to flour, dude.

I'm a hippie.

How about this?

You reboot Hanukkah, but it's weed oil that lasts forever.

I like that.

I like that.

You got high with your parents.

It's called a Heineken.

Heineka, dude.

Yes.

Happy Heineka to all my Heinekes out there.

No,

no,

but it's the cue.

Yeah, I get it.

No, I see what you were doing.

It's the cue one that's okay to say.

It was not okay to say.

The play is under review.

The play is under review.

The play is under review?

New York says it's okay.

We're overruled on this one.

We're overruled.

Damn.

Heineka is really it, though, dude.

That's a good.

We got to make that.

Number 1488?

No.

Dropping, dropping, dropping.

The N-I-Q-Q-A-A-A.

Number.

Personal number.

Not that number, a different number.

Number 1488.

No, no, no, no.

Not that number.

For those of you listening that love that number, Nick didn't mean it.

I didn't.

You're right, I didn't mean it.

He meant it in a joke.

In a joking way?

These are jokes, guys.

And if you can't handle jokes, you can turn this off.

Oh, right?

Yeah.

If you could go into your sandwich.

You can turn this off and you can turn this on.

And I'm pointing to my cock.

I was in line behind a birthday party at the movie theater or whatever.

And some like 10-year-old girl was like, I was born on September 9th, 2009.

So when I turned 9, it was like, oh, my God, or whatever.

And I was like,

Why are you allowed to speak in public?

I mean, this is like more annoying than a baby that's just screaming and crying.

A little kid, when they first want to, like, learn facts and text.

They say things and they have mannerisms.

They're like, you know, blah.

And I guess it's like, you know, when I was a kid.

Because you forget that, like, you were a kid and you had whatever fucking mannerisms.

You were being a gay ass little kid.

You were being a gay ass little kid, but in the parlance of

the times.

I was such a gay ass little kid.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like to see a nine-year-old saying dead ass or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

You love disco, Adam?

Everybody,

I was into disco.

Disco is great.

I was not into discovery.

They tried to reboot it in the 90s, so don't

during the disco.

Yeah, it was during the 90s.

That 70s show, and then there was like, there was definitely an effort to reboot like the 70s.

I mean, an Austin Powers, Austin Powers, kind of like hippie-dumbled pieces of shit.

Interesting.

Yeah, I used to do little shows, little reviews for my family.

And the end of that

ended.

I was a pretty gay little kid.

That came to a hard end when they rebooted Mod Squad in 1999.

And it failed.

Yeah.

They did Giovanni Rubisi in it.

I don't remember who else.

The original Mod Squad

was the actress got married to Quincy Jones, and it was Rashida Jones' mom, and she is by far one of the hottest women of all time.

How about Rashida My Pants?

I think you've actually, you've said that every time we've said Rashida Jones.

Who's Rashida My Pants?

Do you have a bathroom, Rashida My Pants?

Rashida Ma Pench.

What was the guy you were doing that was like the guy who

got caught watching child pornography?

I touched my penny.

Ronnie and guy being interrogated by detectives because he got caught with child pornography.

He's like,

yes, I look at pictures,

but very brief.

I look at picture very brief.

I touch my penis like that.

Just one second.

One second.

Maybe one, two times.

Maybe just

like that.

Nothing to

very brief.

I touch my pinner.

They're like, okay.

Very brief.

Very brief.

I touch my pinner.

Very brief.

I touch my pinnacle.

I look one to second picture.

I look picture one two seconds, maybe.

Come on, cop, let me off.

Let me off.

I barely looked at the child pornography.

Yeah, I got another double parking ticket.

And like, the ticket was already on the car, and I saw the guy

and I was like, Can you?

Never mind.

I mean, it's like it's just so not worth it to even

because they love to be like, There's nothing I can do.

Oh, yeah,

like, well, then write everyone else a ticket also.

No, I'm not like that.

I did fantasize about like following him up the block and then walking out in front of his car and then suing the city for a million dollars.

I'd be like, oh, yeah, well, whoops.

Yeah, we'll show you.

If you want to be Mr.

Rules, I'll show you the rules what happens when you break my legs and I'm permanently in a wheelchair.

Yeah, imagine getting police brutality by a meter, man.

Yeah.

When I willingly get run over by your car so I can collect

for the people.

That's right.

And I probably people who did

legitimately double park because I didn't want to drive around the block looking for a parking space.

I actually had a had a like a pretty small penis.

Penis?

Penis.

I got it for a penny.

Indian Indian parking cop that hooked me up that hooked me up yeah because there's an app you can get for for metered parking

so my friend and I were going to lunch and he's like oh I got this app I'll just pay for the for the parking on my app and he actually paid for his car and not my car so I got a ticket and we saw the guy riding the ticket and he was like he's like all right he's like he's like um you see that guy walk into the car behind you

he's like I'm gonna ask him for his ticket that he had on his dashboard for parking.

And then you just send the ticket in with that ticket and say that the guy didn't see my, like, parking, that he didn't see that I paid for parking, and you'll get off the ticket.

Wow.

So I got.

Not that much of a hookup.

It's a very nice thing that he did.

It wasn't fire.

That was just fraud.

It wasn't fraud.

He told me how to fraud.

That's a hookup.

And then that guy got fired.

Now he can't feed his family.

No, he didn't get fired.

Do you feel bad about that?

I didn't say his badge number.

i didn't say his badge number but it was six three we're like i want your fucking badge number

i want your fucking gun and your badge give me your gun

i you could we could probably take them there's some meter maids i've seen a story that i bet i could fuck up oh you can fuck all of them up that's where they put the the scrawniest weakest ones yeah i was looking to see like what you could do to to beat a parallel parking ticket and i saw some post online where like some guy's like yeah i was uh

I just went like my wife was taking our kids out of the fucking car and bringing them upstairs and the cop pulled up and wrote a ticket.

And I was like, come on, my wife says, taking our kids, like, upstairs or whatever.

This is like NYPD.

And he's like, and the cop, she said she wanted to teach me a lesson.

But then I look at it and she forgot to fill out the time.

So can I dispute this?

And people are like, yeah, absolutely.

They'll throw that out right away.

So I guess that cop learned a lesson.

Yeah, you fucking bitch.

I love it when cops learn a lesson.

I honestly do.

They don't force.

They almost never do.

And then sometimes when they do, it always goes the opposite way.

Like if one cop gets got,

now all of a sudden we gotta fucking, you know, all wear like a stripe or whatever the fuck.

Did you see that picture someone posted online of a decal in a car, which was Mickey Mouse Disney ears with the Blue Lives Matter stripe?

Incredible.

Honestly, I hate Blue Lives Matter shit, but I would buy that and put that on my car.

You got to, bro.

You know, it's such a good mashup.

Because you want, yeah, you want the cops to know you're you want to trick the cops.

I want them to know that I have Disney Plus and I respect their authority.

Respect the cops.

I think it's good that Disney is removing baby Yoda gifts.

I love authority.

Where the fuck is Baby Yoda from?

I thought they were done.

It's from the Mandingo.

The Mandingo Lori.

What is that?

It's a show on Disney Plus.

It's like a Star Wars TV show.

I got an email though.

It's like, you've been charged for Apple TV Plus.

It's like, there's no chance that I signed up for that.

I think it comes with Apple TV.

I think if you don't, you have to opt out of it.

If you click on it, it automatically uses it.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I did it.

I looked on it, and I checked to see.

It doesn't come with Apple TV.

It's like five bucks a month.

Dude, the fucking Steve Carell show, it looks so fucking horrible.

What is that?

All of the shows on Marvel.

Everything on Apple TV looks like fucking hot shit.

I know.

It's so funny.

He's playing Matt Lauer, I guess.

It's called Morning Show.

And there's just like a clip where he's just like, I didn't rape anyone.

Where he has a button under his desk to lock his door.

It's just a newsroom about rape.

Basically, yeah.

The Matt Lauer allegation was, I mean, obviously terrible raped someone, but the James Bond aspect of locking a door with a button under your desk, kind of cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Actually, I think it was a lot of people.

Wasn't that incorrect?

Wasn't that not like.

Oh, that didn't happen?

Yeah, I think that was just from like whatever insane

executive had that office prior to him, like back in like the 30s or whatever.

I don't know, because I looked into it because I'm like, that's crazy.

Yeah, the button.

Yeah, right.

You really hung on to the button.

But I mean, if it worked, did he use it?

Yeah, and I think it prevented people from coming in, not going out.

Yeah, I mean, still.

Well, that would still, you know,

it still helps rape.

It would still help a rape.

And didn't he rape someone in like Russia or something?

Matt Lauer?

Yeah, that's

I'm sure he raped people.

I just don't want the door and the button pushing.

Nick doesn't like the tech being criticized.

Yeah, I mean, well, let me put it this way.

I would love a button under my desk that does anything.

It would be cool.

It would be cool.

It would be cool.

I worked at

this place called the Lower Colorado River Authority.

And I attempted there, and I replaced

the

fucking receptionist in some big department.

They have like five million employees.

I replace a receptionist in this one building.

And they're like, there's, you know, people come in, you you greet them, whatever.

There's a button under the desk, don't press it, it calls security.

And the amount of times I press that button,

probably I was there a week and a half, I probably pressed it five times.

Well, you quit or got fired.

Uh, no,

the attempt thing ran out.

Do you understand how impressive it is that Trump hasn't lifted the red phone?

It's been in his office the entire time.

What is that one called?

The Clowns?

No, it calls the

Barnes-the nuclear missiles, but it doesn't automatically launch them, right?

I think you should.

I I spent the whole morning on the phone with the missiles.

They're doing great.

I just think it shows restraint.

Good for the team.

Does he have a big button that he can launch nukes, or he has to tell people?

I think he needs to know the codes or something.

How do you launch nukes?

Just on a computer?

You pick up the phone.

Yeah, I think it works.

You send a button on a computer?

You send it

nuke to 6862.

I don't know.

According to all the submarine movies,

there's like two guys.

There's the captain and then some other guy,

the master of the boat.

Yeah, whatever.

There's the master.

The Navy has weird ranks.

Yeah.

And the Army's like lieutenant and private or whatever.

And the Navy's like specialist

or something.

Chief Master of

Pleasure.

Top of the bottoms.

Is that what you want to be, Adam?

Petty.

Well, yeah, I would want to be a bottom from the top.

So you're a bottom, but you're fucking someone in the ass?

What does bottom from the top mean?

Well, it's when

you're the bottom, but

you're actually.

Wouldn't that make more sense to call it top from the bottom?

Yeah, no, no, no, topping from the bottom.

That's what I meant.

Yeah, you're right.

Bottoming from the top is how you have sex with women.

Even if

you're having sex with them, you are being fucked somehow.

That is true.

It's mostly consensual.

I think that's a good idea.

Have you ever been raped at him?

Under the letter of the law?

Have you for real?

I mean, one time I remember a girl I was dating, like, I didn't want to fuck her.

Anyone

was incredibly intoxicated, yeah.

Damn.

But I'm not, like, traumatized by it.

Yeah, I know.

I was like kind of annoyed for like a day, but I was like, damn, that's whatever.

Yeah.

And they were like, it's kind of annoying.

I woke up.

And I woke up the next morning, and their eyes were wide open, staring at me, and they were stroking my hair.

And they were saying, thank you so much for last night.

And I said, what do you mean, last night?

Yeah.

And it's like, you checked your ass.

I remember.

And then I checked my ass.

It was full to the brim with cum.

With lady cum.

With girl cum.

The girl squirted into your ass.

She squirted all up in my ass.

And yeah.

That sounds hot.

Well, listen, everyone, come see me on the road.

I'm in Houston.

Listen, this weekend, Thanksgiving weekend, at Joe Squared, Friday and Saturday, and then Houston, December 13th.

Also, please come to Fat Tuesdays every freaking Monday, or every Tuesday, what the fuck.

Every Tuesday, December, we got great lineups.

They've been very fun shows.

Come to Funny Moms on the 9th and the 16th, right, Adam?

Yeah, I think we're going to do two Funny Moms this month, and then we're off for Christmas, New Year's, and then we'll be back in 2020.

2020, baby.

The year of the election of Bernie Sanders.

That's right, dude.

And then I will be, I will be hopefully these fucking calendars will come out.

And

go to what is it, come.town?

Come.town for t-shirts.

Yes, the 9th and the 16th for Funny Moms next month.

Hope you can make it.

We'll try to make some

big boy lineups to send the year off with a bang.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe, maybe some surprises.

Maybe the return of Mr.

Louis C.K.

to the stage.

I think so.

All right.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Bye.

Bye.

Suffs.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be hosted winner best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner best book.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

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