Ep. 184 – new gear

Check, check, my penis is level, level, small.

Alright, it should be recording now.

And if it isn't, oh boy, that's gonna be a pain in the ass in an hour

when we go to...

How do I sound?

Do I sound better now?

You sound good.

Yeah.

Can you make my voice sound a little manlier?

No.

No, there's no way to do that.

There should be the technology.

Wait, hold on.

Nick's trying it, but the machine is smoking

and vibrating.

That's real.

It's smoking cigarettes and telling you you to shut up.

How do I sound?

Do I sound good?

You sound normal.

You sound normal.

Nice.

But

people were complaining when you were doing it that I was too quiet.

What?

I think that's because you would move your mouth.

No, I was trying to silence him.

You were trying to silence me.

Yeah, right.

He was trying to take his voice away from him.

I would never.

You're trying to silence his story.

I would absolutely never try to.

Anyways, we got new gear, so we can do this.

I'm used to that noise.

No, you're not.

No, you're not, bitch.

Yeah.

No, you're not.

We spent $6,000.

We need a wrong.

We need a wrong.

And a buzz.

You're addicted to it.

Silence!

I got that one.

That was fun.

Oh, I like that.

The money sound.

Why do you like it, Adam?

Because Because it reminds me of my favorite thing, money.

Money.

What about what we need is the

beep, beep, beep.

Yeah.

The money counting.

That's good.

I like that.

We need the Scarface style.

So this is what the podcast is now.

Yeah, we're going to be doing a lot of stuff.

It's going to be

a lot of

soundpad style comedy.

I love it.

We got to get the Arnold, the fucking Arnold.

From Ebombs World.

The classic.

The classic.

FK sex, you idiot.

Just prank calling.

Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Just prank calling your teacher.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Now I'm too loud.

I'm sorry if.

Am I quiet?

I feel quiet.

I feel quiet.

But maybe it's because I'm wearing headphones.

Yeah.

I mean, I feel quiet.

Everybody feels quiet.

But we can do this.

How's that?

Is that better?

Turn the headphones up.

Oh, yeah.

Turn my headphones up.

I still feel.

Oh, wait, maybe.

Yeah, there you go.

Turn my headphones up.

Do you feel better now?

You still sound louder than us.

That's fine.

It's fine.

It doesn't matter.

Is that better?

You're the star, Nick.

No, I'm just trying to figure out.

No, you're the star.

Everyone wrote in and they said, please buy more gear and figure out how to use it.

On the podcast.

It is

figure it out on your own.

It's so funny because, like, everyone's, I mean, it is like the I like people like the show.

I like the criticism like Nick makes fun of the people that he hates because they remind him of themselves and it's like yes, but also you and you're doing that right now.

Yeah.

And we're all the same guy.

That's right.

And because like I didn't like this only has four headphone outputs, but you can put six microphones in it.

Oh.

So I wanted to they make a thing.

A splitter?

A s not a splitter because it's got to be powered otherwise the signal like

you know volume will drop off and everyone's like, I'm too quiet.

But like a thing with different, but you know, it's so people can adjust their own volume or whatever if they want.

And then they want to make one for four.

But if you want one with six outputs for headphones, you need to get something that's like rack-sized, which is like it adds way too much fucking equipment.

Of course.

Without, you know, because already you're losing portability.

So I just wanted something that's got like a four output.

So I posted on Twitter.

I was like, anybody that knows audio stuff, help me out.

Not a single person, not a single person that replied.

Really?

Yeah, I talked to like 15 different people, and then like half of them are like, oh, here's what you need.

And it's like, this is so far beyond even what I add.

It's not even close to being the right thing.

I'm on my school's podcast team.

Dude, that, oh my gosh, the R/slash podcast.

That's how I got there.

It's because I was looking for like a solution to this problem.

You were on the boards.

I was on

the websites.

The freaking message boards, dude.

Yeah, and I went on there to

How's that sound?

Better?

Yeah, it sounds good, dude.

Yeah.

Just turn everybody's headphones up.

Turn us the fuck up.

Turn me the fuck up, you motherfucker.

Maybe that's the answer, is just louder headphones.

Yeah, have you guys at home thought of getting louder headphones?

Yeah.

You fucking broke ass bitches.

Coppers.

People talk.

They're like, I have to turn the volume up whenever I go to listen to the podcast.

It's like, okay.

Oh, sorry.

You had to press a button.

Fuck you.

Suck our fucking hogs.

Yeah, that's why the phone has volume control idiot you some things are quieter than a bitch and yeah our shit's quiet it's because it's subtle it's subtle man it's like

it's like you know like the kind of jazz they listen to at princeton that's right you know what i'm saying

math jazz oh yeah i can't i can't wait for it to be the 20s dude i'm gonna finally get into jazz i made this joke when we've done first of all we talked about getting sucked off by flappers yeah i made the joke probably actually a decade ago before it was even close to the show.

Oh, you made the joke 10 years ago.

And then I brought it up again.

I'm supposed to know that.

I brought it up again.

We've made the joke on the show.

I remember saying I never head from a flapper.

I remember that.

The joke never had.

I just said I wanted to get in a jazz finalist.

The joke never had a home in stand-up because it's fucking dumb.

Yeah, it's a throwaway for a podcast.

Silence!

That really does hurt my feelings.

Oh, fuck.

The silence button is is good, dude.

All right.

Well, what do you want me to say?

Well, I won't get into jazz.

Thank you, thanks.

Thank you, Maestro.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

We could do one for you, too.

Yeah, dude.

There's no way to do it while we're already doing the podcast.

Oh, okay.

We'll do it later.

Actually, I could, because this thing is so versatile, I could pause the recording.

Nah, don't worry.

We can record it real quick, come back, and then I could throw you on the sound panel.

I appreciate that.

You can do a silence, bro.

We'll do do it next time my dad just called me and i texted him i said i'm recording silence

and he said he said say hi to he said say hi to rasputin for me oh wow because he thinks nick looks like raspin with his beard

he's trying to do a burn he's trying to burn the boy yeah whatever raspin's dick is in a museum that's true he does have a big ass dick so i mean it was maybe it wasn't a burn maybe it was a compliment i'm gonna have my regular dick put in a museum just a little ass ass dick in a museum.

It's just a regular dick.

Why is this guy's dick in a museum?

They're like, I don't know.

That's what he wanted.

He paid for it.

Yeah, he paid for it.

Every rich person.

He paid billions of dollars.

Every rich person.

Instead of wanting a bench, he just

said he would run the entire museum, but we had to put his dick next to a bunch of Picasso.

Yeah, that's going to be me, dude.

The Halkis collection.

Sounds like only women laughing, really.

Oh, man.

I don't like that.

That's like a nightmare of me being naked and then a room full of women laughing at me or something.

That sound when Adam's penis comes out.

This is Adam's nightmare.

No.

No.

It's normal.

It's normal.

No, it isn't.

It's not normal.

Your dick is small.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, so we're just going to have robots.

We're going to automate the entire show.

I can't wait, dude.

I can't wait.

We're going to record all different kinds of setups.

That's fun.

We should have fun.

And then have an algorithm control the show.

And it's just like, I'm pissed off.

You mean to tell me that Iranian guy, child porn, museum

just has like 12 different kinds of my laughs.

Yeah.

Then Adam being like, I thought it would be funny if Iranian guy, child porn, museum,

I just said that.

Dude, that would be an awesome show that I would listen to.

Yeah, and it's called Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Because you got to always go with the copyright violations.

Of course.

Did they ever show

detectives?

Her pussy?

Well, yeah, not exactly her pussy, but her shape, her physique.

Because I bet she was hot.

She had a red.

I mean, she was already hot with the whole.

I bet she had a good piece of it.

Her shit was already hot, dude.

I bet she had good pussy under that red.

Carmen San Diego is one of those girls that was like, I'm dating a 65-year-old when she was 19.

Yeah.

Because

she's an old soul.

Yeah, he restores Stutz Bearcats in his barn.

My 65-year-old boyfriend, he's a professor at the community college.

And he's taking me on a date to Nice.

Damn, I'm trying to look at her right now.

She's fire, dude.

She was hot on the computer game.

She was was hot on the TV show.

They had a TV show?

It was like a game show for kids.

Carmen San Diego.

Yeah.

Yeah, the computer game.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they got her all in cartoon.

Let me look up Carmen San Diego porn.

Oh, okay.

It's still mostly computers that they've rendered to be sucking dick and shit.

I was kind of hoping.

Ooh, okay.

Fuck.

Yeah, this is good stuff.

I was hoping for a real person.

For example, one time I saw

a Gilligan's Island pornography with

Gianna Michaels as Ginger.

And

let's just say I beat off to that.

Let's just say I masturbated today.

I cranked my little prick.

If you catch my drift.

She was always like one of the hardest working

pornography.

Who?

Carmen Sandiego?

Carmen Sandiego.

Gianna Michaels.

Yeah.

G.

Armin Sandy Michaels.

Gianna Sandy Marcus.

Sandy Michaels.

Yeah, is that what her name is?

Yeah.

As you're jacking off, you're getting her name wrong to own her.

Yeah, that is her name.

Gotcha.

That is her face.

She just had gusto, you know?

Absolutely, dude.

Yeah.

And some big-ass, bouncy-ass titties.

And a big old, big old dumper.

Absolutely.

A big old pooper.

Yeah.

That I'd love her to just take a crap all of them.

You stole that.

Did I steal it?

I went to Kiana Michaels to take a shit off of him.

I saw that on a Pornhub comic.

I can assure you that was definitely on a Pornhub comic.

I almost stole that one.

Yeah.

Silence!

Okay.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah, boys.

So, how was Thanksgiving for everybody, man?

It was good.

I think.

No drama.

Thanksgiving is a perfect time for some sexual healing with the family.

I fucked my parents.

My name's Marcus, and I love Thanksgiving and incest.

There's two things I love.

It's cutting up that bird and cutting up my sister.

You guys are going to make fun of me for saying this, but incest is definitely up next.

Incest is on next.

You sure it isn't pedophilia?

No, I think incest is next.

In what sense?

You think people are going to start fucking.

Yeah, I think people are going to start coming out as incestual.

The advocates.

Just hot bitches based on how

stepbrother and stepfather is like the top search.

It's not incest, bro.

You're not blood related.

No, but why are people watching that?

Because they're not blood related?

Because of the technicality?

No, I feel

like I can

ethically jack off to that because these people are definitely step siblings.

The only things left are

bestiality, incest, and pedophilia.

I just watched.

I think incest is up next.

I watched Who Took Johnny last night.

Yeah.

About some kid in fucking Iowa.

Yeah.

Which, you know, honestly, the Midwest kind of deserves to have that happen to them.

Now that I think about it.

Child rape.

All the

Epstein stuff.

It's like, as long as they're abducting children from the Midwest,

I don't really have a problem with that.

You know what I'm saying?

Coastal elite Nick Molly.

You know, yeah.

He has his pinky raised as he's holding his microphone.

You know, it's like you're saying, oh, well, Bill Clinton, he's got a private island he's raping children on.

It's like, yeah, but it's some fucking

boy from Iowa.

Come on.

What the fucking corn farmer?

Right.

Who the hell cares about him?

Yeah, dude.

What the hell was he going to do?

Get into craft beer?

Yeah.

That would be his entire life.

That's best case scenario.

That would be a best case scenario.

Craft beer guy.

He's a guy that's like, yeah, I actually know what hops are.

Seven more types of beer than Budweiser and Miller.

I'm actually a beer guy.

I'm in the Game of Thrones and beer,

and my entire state is a giant lens crafters.

And it's like, well, yeah, maybe, maybe, yeah,

we should be feeding

because you know, they feed the rest of the country, and part of the food that's needed is children.

Children's child ass, yeah.

In a way, they're they're really America's real farmers.

You know what I mean?

The babies that get fucked.

Especially

the breadbasket of America.

I eat nothing but Chinese food, so none of my food,

I don't need the Midwest for that.

True.

I need it to satisfy my elites' cravings for boys so that they give me the health care that I need in a very slow, incremental way.

Look, I'm not, it's not my first choice, but if we have to let Bill Clinton and his recently back-to-life friend Jeffrey Epstein molest boys from Iowa so that we can just get the legislation on the table.

Yeah.

You know.

you don't even want to pass.

You just want it on the table.

I just want it on the table because that's how it's a process.

Sure.

A thousand.

You crack some eggs to make an omelette.

Yeah.

Thousands of boys from Des Moines need to be abducted on the paper route.

Just so maybe in 25 years we can talk about

me getting like

some kind of deal on aspirin.

So you get elective sex changes every six months.

Yeah.

Wait, what do you mean elective sex changes as opposed to mandatory sex change?

No, he's just emphasizing the fact that they're elective.

I guess in your

flex, right?

Yeah.

As a flex.

Well, I would get wheels, like the black dude from Twisted Metal.

That would be so sick.

Axle.

That'd be awesome.

Okay.

Look how they're all just like scary cars.

And one guy's like, I'm black.

I'm black, black, and I have wheels on my face.

I'm going to call this black man.

I would change my balls for wheels.

Yeah.

And that way, I could just roll into pussy.

Like, imagine me on my belly, hands-free, but with my balls, the wheel, and my dick is coming out.

Yeah, and it could do the thrusting for you.

Exactly.

Yeah, like I would have it, like a car.

You would have an armor car, so I would just go back and forth instead of having a thrust in my head.

The laziest way.

Get the fucking gears stuck in her pussy hair.

What's that?

I said, what it is, so what's up?

That's right.

The army.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

I would love to have big wheels instead of balls.

Johnny genitals.

Johnny Genitalia.

We took Johnny's genitals.

We took Johnny's genitals.

But yeah, one of the guys from the Franklin conspiracy,

one of the child victims,

fucking contacted

the family.

He's like, oh, yeah,

I helped abduct that boy.

Damn.

Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, we brought him to this house in Colorado.

He's like, I can show you.

And they go out to the house in Colorado.

He's like, yeah, here's the dungeon.

And there's like children's names carved into the wall.

Jesus Christ.

And the FBI is like, it wasn't credible evidence.

You know, they said

they never spoke to the guy, Paul, that said, the guy who said, I helped kidnap this kid, they never interviewed him.

They were like, what we did is is we went to Omaha and we spoke to his sister who said that he was probably there at the time.

So

that's nothing more we could do.

We already looked into it.

And with all due respect, let us do our jobs.

Yeah, let us do police work.

We're catching Muslims.

So the story is there was this kid in Iowa who was abducted on his paper route.

And then there was no, this was 1982.

Yeah.

And like, they say it in the documentary, but like, you know, like this, the mother of the kid, she's like, this guy contacted me who's like a professor at fucking,

some sociologist.

He's like, I study like pedophiles or whatever.

And she's like, what's a pedophile?

And then like, no one knew, like, the police chief was like, I don't know what a pedophile is.

What?

Yeah, they just didn't know.

That's how fucking, like, people didn't know, dude.

It was like a thing where like even child pornography was like, you know, it was like somebody that had a collection of like esoteric art would be like, it's pornography, but there's children in it.

Isn't that weird?

You know, and they'd be like, look at this clock I found that goes backwards.

What do you mean they didn't know what pedophiles were?

They just didn't know.

It's because the elites were so good at keeping it secret

back in those days.

They had to get kids from the dawn of I know, but they thought it was a thing that was just like sort of eradicated.

You know, but like, yeah, nobody knew or whatever.

And then that was, you know, John Walsh, his son was beheaded and abducted or whatever, and then he started the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and got that TV show out of it.

That's right.

But

big career come up for him, dude.

Yeah, so the craziest.

Best things happened for his career.

The crazy silver lining.

The craziest part about the documentary is like somebody sent the woman pictures of her son tied up and like bound and gagged as like a 13-year-old

with other pictures of other boys that she found like that was traced to some child pornography website.

So she handed that information over to the FBI and they're like, yeah, we looked into it.

It's from a different case in Florida.

And then, so, like, case closed.

That's not her son.

And then they went and interviewed the detective that, like, you know, supplied them with that information.

He's like, oh, yeah, no, what I told him is these three boys are from the case.

This other one, I never identified the picture.

And it's like the picture that she said is her son.

So, like, they're just like the FBI's like, look, we listen.

Listen, we got some calls.

The boss is all in our asses.

Yeah.

His friends that fuck kids are kinda.

Yeah, it's great too.

This is a scene where they're like, after requesting an interview with the FBI for months, they finally granted us an interview.

Um, but we said we like uh the g w with the caveat, you're not allowed to, you know, if you ask about Johnny Gosh, we're not talking about it or whatever.

And so, the first question the guy asks is, like, what can you tell me about Johnny Gosh?

And they were like, We're not answering that question.

But the guy the FBI sends is like, You've never seen somebody who looks like more of a pedophile,

like one of those guys that can grow like a really thick mustache but has it buzzed all the way down.

But full coverage, not like not doing a cool, slick pencil look,

but just a full coverage Ned Flanders,

you know, high and tight and then wearing like shirt collars that are too tight

just all like bumpy and red yep around

yeah I'm not answering that question sorry not answering that

guy breathing heavily through his nose thinking about boys holes

yeah I like what can I say I like a tight fit

Like a tight mustache, tight collar, tight fit.

Tight fit on my cock.

Tight boy fit.

I'm not answering anymore.

I'm not answering a question.

Sorry, you actually.

I didn't mean to say that last part of it.

I was quoting one of the suspects I'm looking into.

But it's look, you got to get into the criminal's mind in this job.

You know?

Have you seen the movie Black Hat?

That's basically my role here.

Except instead of hacking, it's molesting boys.

Have you seen Cruising?

Yeah.

I haven't seen Cruising.

Stav hasn't seen it.

Someone actually DM'd me and said we should do an episode where we show Stav cruising and we don't tell him what it's about.

I think I know what it's about.

Isn't Al Pacino being gay for gay?

It's literally.

No, it's called Cruising.

Guess what it's about?

No, he's a cop, so he has to be gay to solve him, to find a serious case.

Does he have gay sex?

There's a serial colour.

There's a scene where he's in a gay club and they give him a rag.

I guess it's like how people used to do poppers or whatever.

And he sniffs it and then he starts dancing super hard to the music, and it's incredible, dude.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's funny because, like, the premise of the movie, it's like, it's kind of like a horror movie, I guess, or a drama.

There's a guy going around killing gay guys, so he has to become, he has to go undercover as a gay guy.

But it's like New York in the 19 early 1980s or whatever.

So the reality is scarier than that movie, which is like somebody's like, chief, somebody's going around killing gay guys.

And then they go,

oh, case closed.

Yeah.

And that's the end of the movie.

Right, right, right.

And then they just don't.

And they just let all this.

The cops are like, good.

Yeah, good.

It's fucking hilarious.

It's, what's his name?

It's Friedkin who did the Exorcist.

Freakin'?

He did the Exorcist.

He did Rosemary's Baby.

He did

Silence of the Lambs.

No, no, Rosemary's Baby was Tiny Team's Adventures.

Tiny Team's Adventures.

He did

Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Now you're confusing me.

That's all.

Yeah, he did all those.

Gladiator.

Gladiator.

Silence of the Wolves.

But for the gay club.

For the gay club, they got.

Silence of the Wolves would be a cool movie where there's a guy going around murdering trans people.

Like he's going around killing Buffalo Bills.

I see.

And then they have to consult a brilliant but insane doctor who shoves people up his ass.

And it's the opposite of Silence of the Lambs.

I see.

Dr.

Hannibal rectum.

The opposite of being a cannibal is putting people on your ass.

Yeah.

Dr.

Lecter, what can you tell me about, you know?

He's like, well, Clarice, I had a nice glass, poured a glass of Chianti up my ass.

And then I shoved our good friend Arthur up my ass.

With Papa Beanie.

Yeah.

But they got just him like walking out of

that middle where he escapes in the middle of the movie and he's just a police officer with someone's legs legs coming out of their ass

he just walks out

so he's just walking out with the rest of the police officers

dr.

Hannibal rectum

they call him the opposite of Hannibal

doctor opposite

that is yep they're like wow that's pretty silence of the wolves a pretty literal opposite to to eating people I guess technically is putting them in in your ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Basically, my idea for the movie is:

you've all heard of Silence of the Lambs.

Well, we've done plenty of spin-offs, and they've all been failures.

And I think the problem is that you need to hit the notes that were popular with the original movie, but

you got to invert it.

So it's called The Silence of the Wolves.

Yes.

And now it's insane SJW, pardon my language, cunts,

going around getting guys like Buffalo Bill fired.

And this is before he was a murderer.

So we're seeing, it gives him humanity because we're seeing, okay, well, this guy wants to kill bitches, throw them in a hole, wear their clothes, where their skin is closed.

Why are they doing that?

Well, it's because some fucking busybody Chatty Kathy

started talking about he, you know, tried to grab my tits.

on social media and then boom guess who's not working at the discovery channel anymore guess who's no longer a janitor at the Discovery Channel?

Yeah, and also, we're going to have Anthony Hopkins put people in his ass, also.

Anthony Hopkins is coming back.

Gotta get it.

It doesn't make sense that he's Hannibal Elector yet because it's, you know, the past.

It's before the movie.

He's going to be older.

So he's young.

Anthony Hopkins plays a younger version of himself, and he's being inspired to be Hannibal to Cannibal, but because there's a guy named Hannibal Rectum

that's shoving people in his ass.

So, to be clear, Anthony Hopkins plays him too.

Anthony Hopkins plays him too, and he also plays a very young version of himself from the first movie.

You get the de-aging technology for that.

Right.

Just give him a big lollipop.

I thought Clarice, the boy version of Agent Starling, could be played by my friend Mike.

He'd been doing some sketches on YouTube for like six, seven years.

My friend Mike is.

He's got a Twitch channel, but he got kicked off for saying he would split Dora the Explorer like a banana.

He would peel that bitch,

which, you know, obvious.

I'm sure it sounds insane to you.

You know, I mean, A,

you don't even know her age.

B, she's a fucking cartoon.

Those are the two problems he has with it.

So, yeah, silence of the wolves.

So, anyway, silence of the wolves.

No, I don't.

I was waiting for you to give me the money before I wrote the screenplay.

Oh, you want me to work for free?

Okay.

Fuck you.

I'm getting out of here.

Fuck you.

I'm on the phone, bitch.

Fuck you, bitch.

I'm on the fucking phone, bitch.

You owe me money for you hearing that idea.

Yeah,

if you steal my idea, I swear to God.

If I find out that you're doing any kind of sequel or anything with silence in the lamb,

it was my idea to do a fucking sequel.

You came anywhere close to the idea of doing anything silent.

If a movie called Silence comes out, if a movie about lambs comes out, if something with of in the title comes out, if Anthony Hopkins is ever in another movie,

we are going to have capital P problems.

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

And the silence of the wolves.

Yeah, Silence of the Wolves.

That puts a nice cap on it.

That puts a nice bow on it.

Oh, fuck.

That's loud in the phone.

Maybe that is why people are mad about about having to turn up the volume.

Yeah.

I guess we've never listened to the show before.

Honestly, we should get a brown sound

on the soundboard so we can make people shit their pants.

Yeah.

Is that real?

Yeah.

Well,

I can put it.

We can go wild, dude.

Okay.

I can get a whole bunch of stuff.

Is there a brown sound?

So there's a sound that if I listen to, I will shit my pants.

I think it's like a frequency.

It was something the U.S.

Navy was trying back.

The brown sound.

Yeah.

Dude,

that's how rock and roll started.

They basically had that was the 50s, was the last decade of dumb people being allowed to invent things

and somehow use LSD every day.

Yeah, once the information age and the technological technobombojible

revolution happened, you got it.

You couldn't get away, dude.

You can't get away with being like, oh, I'm going to invent this thing because now you have to know how a computer works or programming and stuff.

Yes.

But 100 years ago, you could be like, well,

how about a gun that fires condoms?

Sick.

But what it uh the condoms have AIDS in it.

And it

you know, it gives people AIDS in their dicks.

So I need 80 million dollars,

which is like 90 million dollars in today's money.

Oh, yeah, that's how inflation works.

Just add 10.

Yeah.

Well, 10%.

Yeah.

Ted goes up 10% every hundred years.

So

80, 90 million.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

that's what it was like before technological.

The Navy probably knows that.

Nobody could say that word.

The Navy probably did try and

technological.

Technological.

Technological.

It feels like there should be another syllable in there.

Technomenological.

Technical.

No, that's too many.

That's too many.

I want the C in there.

I want the

Say it weird.

The technologic information age or whatever the fuck.

The technologic

revolution.

Now you're cooking the gas, partner.

Now you're dialing my numbers.

Now you're calling me on the phone.

Beep, beep, beep.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You're playing with my balls.

Oh, yeah.

Now you're putting my balls in your ass and mouth in that order.

Just fucking just ordering a sandwich.

You're chopped.

I mean, like, yeah, let me get some of the, yeah, let me, oh, yeah, the arugula and the red onions.

Now you're sucking my balls.

Oh, you got my balls in your mouth, you fucking.

Yeah, you're sucking on my balls.

What is it?

Manuela?

See?

Yeah.

Yeah, now we're fucking your pussy.

Oh, yeah.

Get that

bacon crumbles.

Yeah, put a little bacon crumbles on there.

We're in the business

of getting my dick sucked and chopped.

Yes.

Yes.

I'll tell you what.

That is correct.

I'll tell you what, brother, if you get, if you tell me what.

If you're going to chop,

you're going to need a wallet.

Oh, yeah.

They don't give you shit for free over there.

You're going to need to have a a wallet to wear.

Uh-huh.

And if you don't get a wallet,

then

you're going to have big problems.

Okay.

You're going to have big problems.

What are you doing to your voice?

I like it.

Hey, listen, if you're deaf, if you're trying to get a wallet,

if you're trying to get a wallet and you're deaf,

you're just deaf out there.

Oh, that's good.

You got it.

You're just deaf.

You're just a deaf motherfucker.

You want a wallet.

You want a wallet?

Where for that ass?

You better get...

Go to RidgeWallet.com.

Go to RidgeWallet.

But it's not for that ass.

It's for that front pocket.

It's for your ass.

It's for deaf motherfuckers trying to get a motherfucking wallet.

I think it could be for people that aren't deaf also.

If you're a regular ass motherfucker.

If you're a regular.

Don't buy this fucking wallet.

Get your hands off the motherfucking wallet.

No, please buy it even if you are a regular Ridge Wallet offers.

Well, I think deaf people are regular too.

Okay.

Ridge wallet, they offer.

You don't have to be political about this, Adam.

Well, I'm just trying to

make the deaf people that are listening to the podcast feel, okay.

Ridgewallet.com offers wallets, shirts, hoodies, guns, pussy pockets, pussy pockets.

Yeah,

instead of, yeah, everybody's talking about pocket pussies.

How about pussy pockets?

Pussy pockets, dude.

Where you just, they go into your regular pockets in your coat.

Yeah.

And then you got a little pussy in there.

You got a pussy in your pocket.

Did you just go to a nice restaurant and excuse yourself and go into the coat room?

And there's just the lining.

Yeah, just like the whole closet shaking.

People are like, what's going on in there?

And it's like, that guy's, he went to ridgewallet.com.

You pull a pussy pocket.

You pull your phone out of your pussy pocket.

It's dripping wet.

Oh, yeah, because they're always wet.

Oh, yeah.

They love that.

Because

I keep them wet.

I can't wait to have sex for

the first time ever.

So, yeah, they got wallets, they got pussies,

they got backpacks.

Backpacks.

Yeah, the backpacks are slick.

They're pretty slick.

I saw them.

Let me tell you.

They want to send one of them over.

Let me tell you guys: if you guys listen to this show, you know this story already.

I need a new backpack.

You know, my wallet got overstuffed with my Cabela's card.

That's right.

My Ricky's ammunition card.

My Johnny's guns for veterans.

My first responder card.

Oh, yeah.

My 9-11 Museum honorary.

My coasters from the 9-11 Museum.

That's right.

Friends of the 9-11 Molly.

Entire set of 9-11 coasters.

Yeah.

My piece of my body armor from Iraq.

That's right.

Which is also just another condom.

That's what I call my tactical body armor.

Move tactical gear.

When you're doing a deep insertion into some fallouge.

Falluge pooge.

You need tactical body armor.

Anyways, my old wallet got fucked up.

And it was one of those big, you know, big time

stuff.

What kind of wallet you got?

I have a Ridge Wallet phone case.

Oh, there you go.

You could also do that.

You put your cards in.

You put your cards in.

I like my saddle leather phone case, so I'm going to stick with that.

I'm going to keep that.

But the Ridge Wallet reminds you of riding

horses.

Silence!

Anyways.

The Ridge.

My Ridge Wallet.

going.

Just being good.

Just continue.

Just being good.

You don't have to laugh that hard, Silence.

That's what that is.

The silence is so good.

It is really funny.

The silence drop is so good.

God damn, dude, that's awesome.

Anyway, so

my old wallet got fucked up.

Yep.

And I needed a new one.

And Ridge just happened to come by.

That's right.

You know, why don't you

need to come all the time.

And so they sent us the wallets.

And then they gave us fucking wallets.

And they gave us wallets.

And then you were there.

You guys were there.

I opened it.

And what did I say?

This sucks.

It sucks.

Yes.

There's no way.

They're hard and metal.

Yeah.

And then you use them for

0.5 seconds.

I used it for a half day and I was hooked.

It's fucking, it's the size of a credit card, so it like frees up.

So much space in your pockets.

Well, yeah.

I mean, it's like I used to have to use it.

I had a wallet pocket.

That was it.

Now I got a fucking wallet.

Now Nick sometimes he puts them in his under his nuts.

He puts them in his

pussy market.

Like a chipmunk would.

I hide my wallet in between my dick and my nuts.

And then what you do is you take your money, you roll it up, right?

And then you pull your dick between your balls to hold it tight and you jam it in your ass.

I love that.

I love that.

A little fucking cock hammock.

That's the hide your Ridge wallet.

That's the Ridge V2.

Yes, they're selling that.

They're selling pulling your cock into your ass.

It's a PDF.

A PDF that tells you how to do that.

I think it's explains how to do that.

I heard you're still in beta.

Oh, shit.

No, I'm in alpha, bro.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong, bitch.

That's the one I want.

I want wrong, bitch.

Wrong.

The Ridge makes everyday goods to a standard you don't see every day.

We help you streamline your life by turning the things you carry, like backpacks, charges, and wallets, into tools for better living.

Our flagship product, Origin Wallet, launched on Kickstarter in 2013.

It's now sits in the front pockets of over half a million men and women.

Even women.

That's the population of Africa.

Half a million?

Yeah.

I think it's

like maybe a thousand or two thousand more than that.

I'm sorry, the the popula the pants population.

The pants.

No.

The ones that they have pants.

Most of them.

I would say the vast majority of pants.

You're being pretty plain fast and loose the definition of pants, as far as what I've seen.

Well, it's just you have

how much research have you done on this?

Your cock and ball shoved into a gourd doesn't really count as pants, I don't think.

Folks, that's their president

of Africa.

To be clear,

I want the real-time song of it.

Just cut the real-time.

Yeah, folks, that's their president in Africa.

Let's see here.

Yeah, it's nice.

There's two.

So they got either titanium, carbon fiber, or aluminum.

I use the carbon fiber one.

I like it.

I like it.

I'm sure the other ones are fine.

I'm just not.

Some people have a metal allergy.

You know, Blake has that?

Really?

Blake.

He's allergic to metal?

And he found out because he got so fat that his gut hung over his belt.

And

where his belt was sitting, while his gut was sitting on the belt, it rotted away into the flesh.

Oh, and he had a necrotic wound.

He was just doing too much cracking to realize.

Ridge is approved by the FDA to prevent that from happening

by being carbon fiber.

That's true.

So if you're Blake, if you're Blake, if you've got Blake,

gun virus with a fat ass

stomach.

It's medically approved by the federal government licensed they promise that oh yeah it's a cure it's a cure to be cancer or whatever whatever you're talking about yeah it's funny that's the one thing i think you can get that's not like a copyright thing if you say that on a show what it's lights out for you data product can cure cancer

because the government doesn't they're not like yeah we don't know what jokes are right

Well, we'll teach them, dude, we'll teach them.

We'll fucking represent ourselves.

They got a Secretary Secretary of Defense.

Why not Secretary of Jokes?

Adam likes the backpack.

He imagines him going to a school and being like, you know,

sitting in with the students.

No, no.

It's not for that.

It's like, yeah, it's for going on international trips.

I'm here for

business, but like a business.

I'm trying to find girls

who are emotionally mature.

I'm looking for an emotionally mature 20-year-old girl.

I'm looking for girls with the same, the same-sized pussy for my dick.

I'm at this kindergarten.

The ridge is a minimum.

A lot of 20-year-olds are just as

Adam.

Original front pocket wallet.

This is my kindergarten.

Streamline what you carry everybody.

Pussies are the right size.

I would only hook up with someone that's over 18 in kindergarten.

There's a lifetime warranty

if you love it, and free returns if you don't.

Yep.

It comes in gaitanium, carbon fiber.

It does a dozen different styles and colors.

So, but low, you oh no.

Go to ridge.com/slash come town.

That's ridge.com/slash slash Come Town.

Use promo code Come Town, and you get 10% off with free worldwide shipping and returns.

Wow.

So check them out.

Worldwide, motherfuckers.

World turds.

Worldwide, you fucking pieces of shit.

Eric Turd.

New rules.

New rules.

Starve his gay.

What?

Yeah, that's the...

Fuck.

Silence!

Is that one of Bill Maher's new rules that I'm gay?

He said it last week on the show.

People weren't sending that to you?

No.

A bunch of people sent it to me.

I got a real good laugh out of that.

It might have been the first time I ever laughed at Bill, you know?

What the hell?

Because he made me gay now?

New rules.

Stop is gay now.

Fuck.

What if he had that power?

He could just say you're gay.

Yeah,

his rules are legally binding.

Fuck, dude.

I'm sleepy as a bitch.

Yeah, me too, dude.

We're in the process of being snowed in here.

I know.

It just started snowing hard.

I got to go see Bob tonight.

I got to go trudge through this.

Yeah, I got two spots tonight.

It's going to suck my dick.

You've got to be feeling like Edward

Scissor hands.

Oh, whoa, misdirection.

Yeah.

Is Edward Snowden getting pussy?

Where is he?

In Russia.

In the embassy.

Yeah, he had a girlfriend that, like, he's in the

Ecuadorian embassy?

He brought all of that shit, dude.

Can you imagine?

There's never been a more ride-or-die bitch in the history.

Imagine you have, like, you're dating some nerd for stability.

Yeah.

And then he's like, honey, I've got bad news.

And they're like, oh, you didn't get accepted to Jeopardy?

He's like, no.

I'm being called a traitor by the president.

And we have to flee and find political asylum.

Oh, she went with him?

No, he didn't even tell her he was leaving.

Yeah.

I think he just dipped.

Adam read all this on GirlfriendNews.com.

No, I saw it.

I saw the

Adam reading.

What are guys with girlfriends?

I saw Glenn.

I don't want a girlfriend like that.

I got to read GirlfriendNews.com.com.

Well, how else am I going to learn about girlfriends?

Fuck learning, dude.

You're 30.

You don't learn shit anymore.

Learning is over.

It's all about being

stuck in your ways.

I've learned plenty.

I've learned my shit.

Not only am I stuck in my ways, I'm getting worse.

I've learned plenty of shit.

I promise you.

It's me.

This is me, except even more reactionary.

And now I shoplift.

Even though you have enough money for anything.

I know.

Now I shoplift, and I'm curmudgeonly.

Sometimes I steal at the airport out of principal.

I used to do it all the time.

All the time.

I love doing it.

There's a certain place.

There's a certain part of LaGuardia that I steal from constantly, almost every time I'm there.

And every time I I do the whole like whoa where's the cash where's the cash register always I pretend like I'm looking around looking around I put on a play

I guess I'm good yeah I'm ready in case anybody stops me I'm like oh

I didn't even and then you're just in the security office and there's another guy that's like fucking like yeah

like gesturing like where is the cash register I don't know where and then he's in there too that is really like a perfect crime like you get on a plane you fly away you know Yeah, come find me and fucking find me.

And it's New York, so it's nothing but like professional actors getting caught when they're in the security office, like knowing that not only do they get caught stealing, but they're bad at acting.

That is the ultimate fucking failure for them.

That's why we've never been caught because we're beautiful actors, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, acting just comes naturally.

My thing is

I pretend I'm looking for the cash register, and they're like, sir, you're going to pay for that?

I'm like, I don't know where my mom is.

I don't know what kind of accent that is.

I don't know where my mom went.

Can you just commit for hours?

Yeah, right.

They're like, you're here alone.

You have a passport.

You're headed to Geneva

alone.

I'm pretty sure you're not returning.

Give us the $7

and stop protection for this voice.

You're stealing Foreign Affairs magazine.

I look at it for the

puzzle in there.

I thought it said

Cookies magazine.

Cookies magazine.

Oh, yeah.

Your Honor, my client was looking for Cookies magazine

seven months.

I've just been in jail the whole time.

But listen, if they let me out of jail, they're going to follow me.

They're going to know I'm not retarded.

So I'm going to stay in here

and continue to get brutally raped and taken advantage of

taken advantage of

like

yeah somebody's like uh yeah hey scooter you want uh you want some ice cream i got an ice cream calling for you like oh boy i guess i had to lick the ice cream again

yeah we keep raping this man who we tend to be retarded he thinks we don't know

he was just trying to steal a fur in a fair is magazine.

Yeah.

And it's like, I actually, then it's like my redemption story: I teach the other inmates how to pretend to be retarded so that they can get off, but then they're all immediately executed by the state.

So a bunch of black guys like,

I didn't know I was raping that woman.

They're like, son, we've got a place for you.

We've got a big fancy chair for you.

No, no, it's the we flip this switch and it makes you smarter.

They send computers into your brain.

There's no reason to be scared.

Sit there in that big chair and we're going to hook your brain up to the computers.

Okay.

Oh, that's so sad.

Yeah, well, that's how they do it.

That is Texas, dude.

Texas style.

That's why Nick got arrested in Texas in that story.

He was stealing from the Austin International Airport.

Yeah, the Austin International.

Direct flights from Austin to London.

The gentleman's commute.

The cowboy gentleman's

offering non-stop service 17 times a day.

From Austin to Heathrow directly.

Austin, Texas, to London.

London, Britain.

17 times a day.

I got a flight out of Austin.

It was expensive as shit.

For the James Bonds.

They always have to connect in Dallas.

It sucks.

Yeah.

Damn, it's snowing heavy out there.

It's snowing pretty heavy.

God damn it.

I got to go to fucking therapy.

I got to go see a 78-year-old man mumble his songs.

My dang is mom.

He's not even.

Apparently, there are.

I'm fucking gangsta.

I text my friend.

And my dank is mom.

This one goes out to Adam.

Somebody said you're a fucking loser.

No, that's not true.

Oh, my God.

If he said that, it would hurt my feelings.

adam friendlins somebody told me your story i'd have to say you sound like a loser to me this is the story of the faggot man

the gayest man

i've ever seen

what a beautiful you are what i pop i text i text my friend because he saw an earlier show on this run and he said he's like dude bob is back.

He's trying to sing again.

Because he's been mumbling like the last 10 years at concerts.

He's just been mumbling all the songs.

He's like, dude, he's singing again.

And he plays guitar on two songs.

Wow.

And I got so hyped.

How old is this motherfucker?

78.

Wow.

Bernie age.

I guess Bernie age.

Yeah, exactly.

If I'm going.

Come on.

You can't make fun of me.

Talk, right?

You got me, dude.

I got you, dude.

You got me.

It's just like voting for Bernie.

It's just as brave and bold.

No, because Bernie wasn't doing drugs, he was shooting hoops.

While Bob Dylan was saying the N-word, by the way, in his songs, cancel him.

He said it in the hurricane.

Cancel him.

Literally, no difference between Bob Dylan and Amanda Palmer.

That's right.

But

the same artist.

No, that's not true at all, dude.

There's literally no difference between Jeffrey Epstein and fucking Lucy K.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had this really shitty idea.

Wow, that's a good character.

Yeah, thanks.

I suck the penis on a hurricane.

Oh,

I love that.

That's pretty loud.

It is loud, but welcome to the zone.

Get in the zone.

The gay sex zone.

The gay hog zone.

You're supposed to listen to this podcast at fucking 11, bitch.

At 11?

Yeah.

11 a.m.

Turning it up to 11, dude.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Like that movie.

Spinal Tap.

About spinal crap.

Yeah.

Everything about that?

I like that.

The shitting and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Same movie, but this shit.

I've got to go to the bathroom.

This one goes in my ass.

I was telling somebody the other day that I've only seen the British Sopranos.

It was way better.

We got only Gobblegoo

in the arsa, love.

Well, I've been watching this show called Tony.

Is Bob Hoskins's Tony Soprano?

That'd be a great show.

East London Sopranos.

Yeah, I'd love that.

I've been watching this show.

Do they have any Italians?

My family's been in Jersey.

They do have Italians.

My family's been in Jersey for 400 years.

Oh, yeah.

Running the garbage lorries.

Yeah, that guy, Armando Yannucci.

That's an Italian-ass name.

He's Scottish Italian.

Yeah.

I've been watching the show Top Boy, which is The Wire, but London.

Okay.

Just so I can steal British black people's slang and not get caught.

Like what?

I feel like if I say American black people's slang, then...

It's just Adam with a little moleskin.

There's no jokes written in it.

It's just things he's heard black people say.

Well, if they're British.

Yeah, categorized in terms of black nationalities.

They call it Triton.

My friend Bobby told me he had this roommate that was like a kind of an Adam type of guy.

What do you mean, an Adam type?

And they were moving, and he found the guy's notebook, and he opened it up, and it was just like, there was an actual page in there that said, cool things Bobby has said to repeat.

Brilliant.

And it was a list of just like things that Bobby had said.

I would not do

Adam would soak.

He would never put it in writing.

He would give the man some credit.

I would not have a paper trail.

He got it in his head.

He would repeat them to his therapist and be like, should I say these things?

And his therapist would be like, I think you should do whatever makes you feel like you.

And Adam will be like,

My therapist said the coolest thing to me.

My therapist said I should have gay sex.

He said the realest thing to me.

He said that everything I feel is correct.

And

every impulse I've ever had is the correct impulse to have gay.

He's given me plenty of criticisms.

Yeah.

Has he told you to kiss guys yet?

No, he hasn't told me to kiss guys.

Let me get your therapist's phone number because I have a button he might be interested in.

Oh, once again, Nick.

Silence!

Shitting on therapy.

How are you going to give him the button?

I don't know.

I'll buy him the equipment.

Listen, I know you help people with words.

I help them with money and gifts.

That's right.

I'm showering them with gifts.

Yells, silence at your parents.

Silence.

Silence.

Speaking of therapy, my roommate started watching that show in Treatment, which is a show about therapy.

And it kind of sucked, I gotta be honest.

Yeah, it's not that good.

I thought it was gonna be a good idea.

It's actually based on an Israeli show.

Well, there you go.

And in the Israeli version, a fighter pilot accidentally bombs like a school.

Whoa.

And he has to go to therapy to do it.

Oh, so the Israeli show was just propaganda spread over healing

operation to policy.

This propaganda to say that it was an accident.

That's so funny.

I'm going to tell them that.

I can't wait.

Yeah.

Yeah, that shit was kind of fun.

Top boy is pretty sick, though.

Top boy.

Yeah.

What's some good slang you've stolen?

They say they call drugs food.

Food is cool.

They're like, we need food for the streets.

He's like, we got dark, we got light.

That's what they call, I guess, Coke and heroin.

Nice.

Food for the streets.

Is Skepta in it?

No, but there's like a lot of grime music that plays that's pretty sick that I should Shazam while I watch it.

Of course.

And then tell people I found it on my own.

Yeah, man.

You suck.

I'm joking, dude.

I only did that once.

Look at Bob Dylan.

Yeah, there's a guy

named Adam, and he does, he watches a British show.

No, I joked.

Shazam

lyrics.

Drake produces.

Shazam, this, you fucking asshole.

And Adam's just Shazamming and he's like, what Bob Dylan's song is this?

Everyone's singing along.

They all know the lyrics.

They handed out the lyrics to everyone.

It's under every seat except for mine.

Everyone's like, Adam's an asshole with their lighters up.

He's a fucking loser.

And we

remember the way the girls sang.

This is a.

In the summer of love,

whatever.

Bullshit songs.

Yeah, that's not.

What's the best Bob Dylan?

What's the best one?

Yeah, like, what's a good one?

I don't know.

I mean, there are so many to choose from.

You're only only allowed to be into Bob Dylan from the age of like 14 to 16.

No, that's not true, dude.

There's so much different Bob Dylan.

I think at that age, you're into the folk stuff.

I think as you get more mature, you get more into the rock stuff.

And then you get into the Christian stuff.

And that's being a man.

He is Christian stuff?

Being a man is getting into the Christian stuff.

Yeah, dude.

The three Christian albums.

Being a man is all about doing the same exact things you did at 14 years old.

Playing Luigi's Mansion.

Yeah.

Sucking a penis

from a guy named Bane.

Luigi's Mansion is a disappointment.

I'll be honest with you.

It's not as fun as Odyssey.

Odyssey was everything's got to be a disappointment.

I thought that new Donk City show was kind of cool.

That's like a very small part of the game.

Well, that's the only part of it.

All it takes is moments, dude.

You just got to remember certain moments to make you happy.

That's true.

It doesn't have to be the whole game.

That's all that memories are, man.

Just moments.

Just moments, brother.

And we're filling in narrative to make them into stories.

Don't you dare talk like Bob Dylan about my actual thoughts.

Listen, brother.

Do not

try and make my profound thoughts sound gay.

Memories are just lies, brother.

What is your point then, that Bob Dylan is as dumb as Stob, but not as funny?

No.

Wow, great job.

The guy you're paying to go see.

That's right.

And a less funny version of Danny.

You and I went to go see fucking Paul Simon together.

It's cool to see old men play music.

I like Paul Simon, I like to play with him.

I like Bob Dylan.

Paul Simon is better than Bob Dylan.

I like them both.

Sorry.

So fucking suit him.

Fuck you.

Yeah, I went to see Tool last week.

See, that's a band from

the 90s.

Are they the ones that age-appropriate?

Or am I thinking of Tools?

No, that's Tool.

You should be 10 years old.

Come on, you're out of your fucking mind.

You're Gen X, Nick.

No, there's plenty of.

You're Gen X.

I'm okay, Boomer.

There are plenty of fucking 30-year-olds that listen to Tuol.

TikTok.

I'm okay, Boomer, you're Gen X, and Stav is

Boomer, dude.

Yeah, Stav Gen Z.

I'm going to go.

He's just doing TikTok.

I'm doing TikToks of Doja Cat songs.

Stav's doing those kind of TikToks that are like, seriously, if you're bullying, you're a fucking faggot.

Yep.

And I'm only faggot.

And I'm pointing.

And you point to the different words.

Who's that?

Who's that?

I'm sorry the bullying has been taking place at your school.

Yeah, that was a tight end.

Delaney Walker.

I saw her to bullying

been took him face at school.

I loved that news story so much when they found out that that kid was racist.

Why would you make fun of me for having fucked up face?

And then they're like, we made fun of him because he called us the N-World.

And then it's like, we come from a slightly racist family

for the most part.

I mean, you take it all, the South as a whole and contextualize it with that.

It's kind of a wash

from boy Bill Clinton.

How much money do they make?

They made like $200,000 before they found out he was racist.

You shouldn't bully somebody just for having a friend who has a private island.

Sorry.

You're just hanging out.

Sorry, we're such good friends that we have to go run away to an island together.

I've seen God cyber bullied, bro.

My friend killed himself because somebody stole his Pokemon cards in prison.

That would be awesome.

Dude, it would be awesome.

If they fucking, like, if they got that shit, I mean, they're already like, oh, he killed himself.

It's so ridiculous.

Absurd.

Why not just be like, yeah, somebody stole his Pokemon cards.

It made him really sad.

The cops said that.

At a press conference.

Yeah.

Yeah, actually, yeah.

So we've concluded our reporting.

We were told that Jeffrey Epstein left a note saying somebody stole his Clefairy.

He had a foil charge on it.

He had a shiny charge.

First edition, very rare.

Which are worth $20,000, $25 easily at the CD Game Exchange.

Dude, I remember arguing with my dad that it was a good investment.

I was like, I need these cards because they're going to be worth so much.

Of course.

That's not what I want.

Some of them you can sell for like $20,000.

No.

But like Japanese, like...

holographic.

No, just like a

Pikachu.

Like a misprint?

No, just a regular card.

just the regular cards.

Everybody tore them up in a fit of rage.

Oh, that's right.

Because they're like, these things are worthless.

And then one guy was like, My plan worked perfectly.

And now I own all the Pokemon cards.

And then you get all the Pokémon cards.

You make a fucking on Bokey Monk.

And then you kill your fucking self.

Because somebody stole your Pokémon.

But then you have gay sand.

Adam just crying like

yes

the best music my favorite music dude we're weeping I just I like Bob Dylan

dead ass

I just like Bob Dylan I'm sorry

Dude, when we were in Canada,

we bullied you into not watching the Bob No, I had to go to my room

storming off to your bedroom and then closing the door and then hearing like the

you guys didn't understand.

I'll use the effects pad for that.

You didn't understand.

I didn't cry.

I didn't cry from.

Dad, it's me, Adam.

I didn't cry from.

I didn't cry from the bullying.

I cried from the sounds, the music, the songs.

How long have we been going?

I got to go to therapy.

They said I'm gay.

Oh, wow.

It looks like two of us are in therapy, Nick.

That's right.

Looks like you're outnumbered.

They said I'm both doing this.

Oh, yeah, Nick should go to therapy.

No.

Yes, you should.

Incorrect.

That is the incorrect answer.

Can you just promise us once Luigi's mansion is done, you'll start therapy?

I'm already done with Luigi's Man.

You'll never go to therapy.

I'm just never going to do it.

No, I'm going to go back to the gym first and then.

Honestly, you know, it's like, yeah, sure.

I don't have a problem with therapy, really.

I mean, it's just funny to make fun of you for things.

But,

no, cleaning my apartment, getting my shit together, I feel great.

Doing a stand-up again.

It's like, just

yet, I've never knocked therapy, but there's like basic shit first.

If you went to a therapist and you're like, well, my apartment's trashed.

I'm not taking care of myself.

I'm eating bad.

I'm not doing the only thing.

You don't have to get everything.

You don't have have to get everything perfect, but you saw it.

It was a fucking mess.

Yeah.

It was like I was doing nothing.

Yeah.

Not in the gym.

You don't have to get everything perfect, but you should at least make like a minimal effort of like going to the gym once a week.

Yeah, yeah.

If you're like even doing that or like having some kind of schedule, like, you know, not eating fucking, not eating pizza all day long.

That's been like, you're just sitting out for days on end.

You know, I mean, it's like...

You know, one foot in front of the other.

I mean, obviously there's like chemical reasons for depression or whatever, but it's like you can make minor adjustments to your circumstances to make life more manageable that you don't need to go pay somebody fucking $300 a week.

It's not that much for me.

Yeah.

We all know about your deals.

Yeah.

I told him.

Well, listen, everyone, come

see me at the fucking Houston on the 13th.

And come to Fat Tuesdays every Tuesday at the stand.

And come to Funny Moms next Monday, the 9th, and then the 16th.

And then we're taking the rest of the month off.

We're going to be there the 9th and the 16th.

I think Andy Haynes is on the keep your eyes peeled.

Keep your eyes peeled.

I'm selling calendars.

Go to stabby.biz, and we've got calendars, the 2020 Stavros Halkis calendars.

You're going to love them, folks.

And soon I will be coming to, I'm coming to Chicago at the end of January, Milwaukee, Appleton,

then Rhode Island.

What are you doing in Appleton?

Skyline?

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah, Skyline.

Thursday.

Thursday before Chicago.

That's a good club, right?

And then Hyenas in Dallas on Valentine's Day weekend.

DC Draft House on the 20th, 21st, 22nd.

A lot of shit coming up, folks.

And I think I'm coming to London also.

So

get your fucking titties out in all those places.

And I will have links hopefully up by the time this episode is out.

Keep your eyes peeled on Come.town.

I got new.

The store should be back up sooner rather than later at this point.

Just working on some more of the kinks.

Some of the sexual kinks.

When they think about stores, they're thinking about

the sexual fantasies.

You know, I'll tell you, Anderson, I want to rape you right now.

You're a sexual person.

Okay, we're going to take a break.

Well, thanks for.

I'm raped actor Michael Douglas.

I'm raped actor Michael Douglas.

The Make a Wish Foundation is doing magnificent work with boys and girls who have been raped.

Michael, no.

Nope.

They have cancer.

Oh,

well,

okay.

All right, that's the shit.

Goodbye, everyone.

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