Ep. 181 – The Joker Laureate Of the Dirtbag Left
its me
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It's my paninas.
My paninas.
I'm a fucking gay dick.
My paninas.
It's like
my penis face.
You can't mock my penis face.
My, my, my penis face, my, my penis face.
And it's like, I only suck three dicks, I only suck three dicks.
Adam was trying out being gay, And then he wrote that song afterwards.
Did you do that for real?
Adam?
My penis face is what?
Like a face that I make when I'm orgasming?
Penis phase.
Phase.
Oh, okay.
All right, now it makes sense.
Come on, man.
Those words sound so gay.
My penis phase.
Yeah.
I was gay.
I was gay for like a second.
I sucked three guys.
Their penis.
It tasted weird.
I wish I did that.
We still got time.
I feel like it's like you understand life better if you're gay for like a month.
Yeah.
Maybe I'll do it now.
Why don't you do it?
Should I get Pokemon's sword?
Yes.
And she
haven't played.
What is that?
Does Pikachu have a little sword?
I haven't played either of them since I was literally nine or ten.
I've never played Pokemon for sure.
We're not talking about you or what you've done.
I'm sick, man.
Please.
You never played Pokemon.
i bring up the cards i bring up a topic because they bring up a topic and he goes oh i've never done that i'm saying oh i guess we're done discussing it then
we can talk about say that we were done discussing it i just contributed that i've never played i can't believe not today satan
i don't feel good
i'm sorry dude what's wrong i'm sick i told you I told you.
Did your ass hurt?
Talk about Pokemon.
Continue.
I wasn't trying to cut you off.
No, you already did.
No, shut up.
Continue.
Continue your Pokemon talk.
I don't even want to talk about Pokemon.
Let's talk about Pokemon.
Okay.
Sword and Shield does sound cool as long as Pikachu has a sword and a shield.
If it's Pokemon, but they also have swords, hell yeah.
Yeah, I want Pokemon gun and bull.
Yes, just call my duty on guns and roses.
I would love that.
You're getting head from strippers.
I would honestly play like every bit every game if it was also pokemon garage band pokemon yeah but it's the same exact game but you just see little pikachus with guitars i mean i bought luigi's mansion that would be really cool i got home and i it literally did not open it and i probably won't what is is it like a level based game like mario worlds
mario worlds like super mario worlds it's what like that luigi's mansion or is it like you play party games what is it i know what it is i've never played it dude dude why are you mister i haven't played video video games today.
I told you what I played.
Sports game game game game game.
I'm too cool to play video games.
I played Donkey Kong Country, Tony Hawks Pro Skater.
Donkey Kong is not a sports game.
That is sports.
He's trying to beat Neo-Courtsky.
I'm too cool to play.
By the way, everyone, if you didn't know, I'm too cool to play video games.
Carter is claiming you were never gay.
Yeah.
You're over here trying to prove you're not gay and that you don't play video games.
I feel like if I was five years younger, I would have sucked the dick in college.
I feel like the cutoff was like gay was still bad when I was in college.
Yeah.
If you were around right now, you would absolutely be gay, like, for the for the clown.
Oh, if I was Gen Z?
Yeah.
100%.
You'd be sucked.
Just kind of like just being gay.
Oh,
so much worse.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Being gay to be cool is the gayest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Being gay to get pussy, dude.
I would be gay to get pussy.
If in high school, they were like, you just have to be gay for like three months and you'll get like that is the premise of the movie.
Is it?
Yeah, it's a Matthew 3 to Tango.
Wait, so he's gay for the clout?
No.
For pussy.
So like,
like, Dylan McDermott, I guess, is going out of town and his fucking girlfriend is.
I forget who his girlfriend is, but he's friends with Matthew Perry.
And he's like, hey, can you do me a favor?
Can you look after my girlfriend while I'm gone or something?
And then he's, you know, he's like, yeah, oh, oh, yeah.
No problem, man.
Yeah, of course.
Totally.
Why?
Because he thinks he's gay.
He thinks he's gay, yeah.
And then he's like, like, I'm not, they think I'm gay, you know, or whatever.
And then he's like having like sleepovers with women, and then he's like, I'm gonna pretend to be gay to fuck these girls.
That's a good does he get pussy at the end?
I think so.
Yeah, he like, like, you know, because like he's taking like baths with the guy's girlfriend, and like, which, by the way, and like cleaning her pussy like a cat would.
That is good.
Like a gay cat would.
And then she's like, thank God you're not straight and you're my
like husband's gay co-worker who can literally for some reason just who can have any other closer friends to ask to do this.
Right, exactly.
But also, why would he need to do this?
Pushing my pussy with his cock.
You would really clean your pussy out.
It's cove.
As gay cows.
As if I get all the way up in those guts and blow a fat load.
Speaking about a man's ass, of course.
Of course.
I'll be holding my nose like this.
Holding my nose.
Because my pussy stinks.
He's got a magazine called Gay Porn Magazine while he's fucking her, right?
So she sees the cover, but inside is straight as porn.
So true.
So she's, yeah, he's got
a smaller pornography inside the gay porn.
Wait, I don't know.
This is a textbook, Trey.
I don't understand the premise of someone asking someone else to watch their girlfriend.
Exactly.
I mean, I'm probably completely miserable.
Yeah, there's probably some actual, you know, still contrived, but less stupid than that reason.
All right.
Three to Tango is a 1999 Australian-American romantic comedy directed by Damon Santo Stefano.
That's three different cultures with very gay names.
Yeah, my name is Damon Santo Stefano.
Yeah, my dad was black, and my mom was Italian, and my other dad was Spanish.
I got two dads.
That's what Three of Tango is.
Three to Tango, yeah.
Growing up is, you you know, my Spanish dad, they thought he was gay.
Because, you know,
he would dance.
He did salsa dancing.
And he was running up to my mom.
My mom's Italian ass.
Hell yeah.
Wow.
You know, and I love my mom's.
I want to kiss her.
I want to kill her.
I want to kiss her because I'm still Italian.
A third of me wants to fuck her.
Dev Campbell and Dylan McDermott.
And he directed Bring It On, too.
Okay.
Santo Stefano was performing stand-up comedy in his hometown of Boston during his teens.
While attending NYU film school, he began working professionally as a director, creating award-winning.
So much of this podcast now is just reading Wikipedia pages.
It's fun.
It's great, dude.
Yeah.
The point is, we can get it to fully just be Wikipedia.
If we get a text-to-speech, I mean, that's all Dan Carlin's hardcore history is.
I've never listened to it, but I imagine he just
talks like this.
No, he reads a lot of documents.
I have a document about having gay sex.
I haven't listened to like two.
Did the Romans do it?
I've never seen gay sex.
I started the World War I.
I listened to the one about the
Roman Empire.
It was like an eight-hour podcast, and I listened to the whole thing during one time.
Adam listened to the one about the Blowman Empire.
Really?
Yeah.
It's when they were gay for the clout.
It's a cool empire that I want to be a part of.
It's an empire that's.
I bet you people were fucking kids for the clout.
And I bet you people right now, elites, fuck kids for the clout.
There's some of them that didn't want to fuck children, maybe Bill Gates.
Yeah, it's like when you have to rape a woman to get into a gang, Bill Gates definitely fucked a kid, like every like all those guys on that plane fuck kids.
But like, one of them probably didn't want to, but he had to, or else Bill Clinton would have been like, What are you gay?
He didn't want his boys to think he's gay.
This motherfucker's gay, y'all.
He's not even fucking children.
He's not even having sex with kids.
Yo, Bill Gates is gay.
Dad.
Jeff, come over here.
Look at Bill Gates.
He can't even get hard looking at this child's pussy.
Dad, it's me, Adam.
I really want to go to Little St.
James Island.
I want to take my roller backpack on it.
Jeffrey Epstein's plane.
Everybody who's not fucking kids is gay.
Having sex because rules.
I love this.
I love the way it feels to get pussy from a child.
From a child.
Getting a child's pussy.
Now you're cooking the gas.
Yeah, dude.
3-2-Tango.
Yeah, so what was the reason Matthew Broderick had to look at...
So it's Matthew Perry, not Matthew Broderick.
But it would have been Matthew Broderick if this was happening in the 80s.
Yeah.
To be clear.
Oh, yeah.
You know what?
I rewatched this within the last six years, and now it's all coming back to me.
Yes.
And it's all coming.
Oliver Platt
and what's his name are architects, of course.
So because they're partners, they refer to each other as partners.
And Dylan McDermott's the high-dollar client whose office is this tacky, like, Buddhist temple, like, bullshit.
That's a rich guy move.
And he's like,
he's like, you know, he's like, Oscar's gay.
I need you to keep an eye on my girlfriend while I go out of town.
He's like, I want a gay guy to keep, you know.
But why does he need someone to keep an eye on that?
No, that's a normal thing.
You got to get a gay guy to watch your girlfriend.
Yeah.
It'd be funny if his girlfriend was a 12-year-old.
That would make more sense.
You fuck grown men, right?
No boys or girls.
I need you to watch my children.
I need you to watch my girlfriend.
Bill Gates, I want to make sure you don't fuck my girlfriend.
Who's a true star?
I'm not fucking my ass.
You can fuck my girlfriend, but not my ass.
You can fuck on my ass.
You can fuck on my girlfriend.
If I could fuck on your ass.
If I could.
So good to hear.
What happens at the end, dude?
Tell everybody.
0-3 to Tango.
I don't know.
He falls in love with the bitch, and then
I don't know.
They start dating, and then there's like
someone else you don't think is gay turns out to be gay.
It came out in that video.
Oh, so Matthew Perry has to get fucked.
To prove he's gay, he has to suck a guy's cow.
I don't know if she tries to set him up with like her gay friend who is like falls in love with him.
I don't know.
That's funny.
It would be sucks.
A much better one with Matthew Perry is Fools Rush In.
Yeah, I've seen that one.
I've never seen that one.
That was on HBO James.
Adam had the Fools Rush In video game for both Sega Saturn and I did, yeah.
It's true.
You had to play it on both.
It was an RPG.
He was like, Dad, the graphics are different.
I need it for both systems.
Well, I'm going to have to go have gay sex to earn enough money to buy it.
Whoopsie.
Looks like someone has to go have gay sex for money again.
Oh, geez, I don't like doing it, but anything is just video games.
You go into Adam's room, it's every system ever made.
Japanese imports, a full arcade
in their house anything for my boy anything for Adam I guess he's a good man
he did it he made a lot of sacrifices for his family my dad dude we had a Pac-Man machine and every my famous time like a full machine yes my dad like like the tabletop one or no the full like arcade one because my I don't know my dad like redid some bar and they just gave it to him and we were it was the first time like his children were like oh my god this rules this is the best thing that's ever happened.
And my dad just gave it to one of his friends.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, your dad redid some bar, and as payment, they gave him a package.
I think that was part of the payment.
My dad is a horrible business.
I know, I was about to say, it's like, oh, yeah, no wonder you're poor.
Yeah, yeah,
no, he would get fleeced constantly.
Yeah, one time he finished a whole job, he finished like these windows, and it was like some kind of special weather-proofing wood that was like thinner than it usually looks.
And the guy was like, Ah,
I don't, I don't like how it looks.
Can you just do it all over again with different wood?
And my dad should have been like, no, this is wood.
Well, you paid me twice.
But he just redid it.
And he just complained.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I remember.
I remember that was because I was working with him that summer, and I was like, oh, wait, my dad's a fucking coward.
Like, I was like, I was like 13.
I was like, and by the way, the guy who made him redo it was just some fucking pussy
Greek fucking diner guy who I would, if it was up to me, I would would have slapped him around.
Yeah, you gotta have someone lean on him, give him a talking stick.
I just watched this movie, this Hitchcock movie called Marnie.
Yeah, we haven't seen it.
I would love a Pac-Man machine.
Wait, listen, but he's an amateur zoologist.
Yeah, I haven't seen it.
And he uses.
Yeah, I haven't seen that movie.
I'm trying to cut you off by saying I haven't seen Pokemon.
Honestly, if we can go back to Michael Marie.
Fuck off, Nick.
You're so sensitive, bro.
I'm sick for starters.
Second of all, I would like to be gay.
I want to hear what Adam has to say about Marnie, please.
Please stop cutting my friend Adam off, Nick.
Thank you.
Even though he is gay.
But I love him.
Even though I wish I was gay.
We've established as gay.
It's not that I am gay, it's that I aspire to be gay.
What happens in Marnie?
So he's like.
He's about the dog, right?
No, Sean Connery's a businessman.
Oh, Sean Connery.
Is he bald?
No, he's got hair.
It's like James Bonner.
It's in the 60s.
Well, he was bald during James Bonner.
He was bald then, man.
That was
a bad thing.
He looked sick, though.
He's pulling the Adam move, Toupe.
Don't worry.
Don't you dare say that on the air.
It would be so funny.
And I was the only one that knew.
I didn't even know.
No.
Got a beautiful head of hair.
That would make me.
You should get a Ralph Siferotto.
I'm really in about it.
Dude, honestly,
when I get a tooth.
It's a fucking horse tone.
When I get a tooth, I'm just also going to get a fucking toupee.
What are people going to say?
But get this, get the Ralphie.
Get the Siferotta.
Red hair.
Yeah, yeah.
Just a red bowl cut.
That was the best part of that.
When his fucking parent finally had a great crazy thing, he's like, holy shit.
And he's like, what, you knew?
Yeah.
He's like, yeah, of course.
Yeah, of course I knew.
I thought the best part was when Janice was fucking him in the ass with a gun.
That was.
Wait.
Now she fucks him in the ass with a dildo and she's holding a gun.
And she's holding a gun too.
That's right.
That's right.
Sick.
No, yeah, she wasn't fucking him with a gun.
I'm going to put you out on the street.
Tell me you're my little hoard.
My little hoor.
Can you imagine?
Believe it, she want to put a fucking dildo in my ass.
So, what happens in fucking
Marley and me?
So he's like a businessman, and then like this chick starts working for him, and he like knows she like runs
a bunch of scams, like stealing from different businesses and change your hair color and her name, you know, so no one can catch her.
Yeah, anyway, so he like
she steals from his safe, and then he entraps her and makes her get married to him, and he uses his skills at zoology to tame a bitch.
Really?
He treats her like an animal?
He's like reading books.
She's like, zoology, does that mean
you understand human nature as well?
He's like, well, one could say that's how I drew him.
He's reading books about the female criminal mind and stuff.
That's fucking awesome, dude.
It's actually a really good movie, but it's incredible that
women were still considered animals in 1965 or whatever.
Sean Connery talks about how you should be able to slap a woman.
You've seen that, of course.
Classic.
What a legend, dude.
Barbara Walton.
Now,
the last time we spoke, you said that you raped a child with Bill Clinton.
Yes, yes, and I should buy that.
To be cool.
I did it to be cool.
Having sex with children is something that Bill loves.
I wasn't gay.
Take it back.
You're hurting Hillary.
You're not allowed to say that ever.
You see Elizabeth Warren saying
somebody asked her about
getting rid of ICE, and she's like, We absolutely need ice.
I cannot believe how
dumbass is.
It's so early for that bitch to go that hard.
She's mad buttted to just gay asses, and I mean that in, you know, literally as a yes.
Well, you don't know if his ass is gay, it might be his dick dick in his mouth, probably, at least.
Anyway,
I don't think he's he's fake, gay, bro.
I don't think he's real at all.
I think, like,
I've never seen
more of, like, clearly a CIA employee.
Oh, yeah.
I want to see him in Chaston.
Nothing.
There is nothing.
He's fucking American psycho, dude.
He truly is.
He went to the troops for the clout, dude.
Yeah.
He's definitely gay for the clout.
He's absolutely gay for the clout.
That's a perfect example.
That's Adam's Hero.
That's who I went to.
But basically, that bitch is like mad that Buddha Jig is just now sucking off every billionaire for money.
And she's like, oh,
I want to be a centrist also.
Well, she was like, they asked her if billionaires should exist exist because billionaire said they shouldn't.
She's like, if you work hard, you should be able to spend the money on toys.
When I grew up in the TP, we only had
a boomerang.
We had a boomerang and a peace pipe.
And everyone would come by and say,
there goes low
cheekbone Liz.
She's got them dick-sucking cheekbones.
Like, Liz, what do you say, Liz?
Anyway, Anyway, time for some maize.
He just pulls out a whole ear of corn.
They said they used to call me DSCB Liz.
I would go around the T V and I'd suck those days.
They said, What makes the red man red?
I'll tell you what.
Getting your fucking totem poles
slopped
off by every color of the wind.
DCCB Liz.
Uh, the question was about cap and trade.
Oh, we were talking about cap and trade.
Oh, fuck.
Yep.
That was the thing.
I remember cap and trade being in the news, and I'm like, I don't know what that means.
I still don't.
Every time I look it up, I'm like, it has something to do with oil.
I have no idea.
And it was like such a big issue.
Cap.
What if, hmm.
What if it's about capping?
What do you think on capping?
All I know is no cap, like the way black people say things.
That's what I mean.
Yeah.
I'm not.
I'm against.
The only one that doesn't cap is Bernie for sure.
Yeah.
Buttage is all cap.
Yeah, I don't know.
It has something to do with oil.
I thought it was like
emissions or something with energy policy.
I have no idea, though.
Yeah, energy.
I mean, it's like a way to
use some regulation to use less
something.
The Chinese do it or something.
No.
But you can't stop the Chinese.
I mean, that's one of those things like net neutrality where it's like, I understand what net neutrality means.
I don't know, I still don't know whether being for net neutrality means
that
fucking internet service providers can throttle your shit, or if you're against net neutrality.
I think if you're against, because if something's neutral,
you can't, it's not being throttled.
I think you think it should be a public service.
So you think it's, so you're pro-teleutral.
well that's different that's not net neutrality yeah that's nothing to do with that
no i think it's like the internet shouldn't be it should be like a public good that's no communication that's not net neutrality isn't it no an argument i thought it's classifying the the internet as like a public utility a public utility no i think you're but you're saying that we should nationalize internet service i thought that's what it was no no it's just that Comcast can't be like actually yeah, it's about not letting internet service providers discriminate like data because they're mad that people stream everything now so they they're using more internet.
So they're like, fuck that.
If you're streaming, we're gonna charge you more.
Comcast will advertise it's like $80 a month for 400 megabits per second internet.
But then when they don't tell you, is they're like, and we'll throttle it so Netflix doesn't work.
You know, it's like, so yeah, go ahead.
Use that 400 megabits per second to connect to an FTP and like download
NBC will work really well.
Yeah, right, exactly, too.
Yeah, like making people pay more, making the providers pay more for like, you know, faster service on their networks and shit.
Which I guess it's kind of like, it's close to making it like whatever,
a utility, but not really.
I'm sure people for net neutrality also want it to be a public utility.
Yeah, but it would be like, you know, if it was like a utility like water or whatever, it'd be like, you know, so the plumbing in your house can deliver all sorts of liquids, and it's like you really want water and you can only get a drip of water a day, but you can get a shit ton of Sierra Mist because like Pepsi has a fucking agreement
with Comcast or whatever.
That sounds pretty good.
And it's like, well, this, I don't want that.
What about you?
Yeah, you who's sick.
That would be awesome.
If that's what it's like, then I'm against it.
What?
There's such a good drink, dude.
Yeah, I just haven't had one in a long time.
You got to, brother.
You got to get a YouTube.
With a little rum, huh?
There he is.
There you go.
You know what I do want to drink?
Some fucking cider, apple cider with rum in it.
Is that the season right now?
No, we're going into eggnog season.
Fuck eggnog, dude.
You don't like it?
Fuck that creamy bullshit.
I got something nice.
I got something creamy coming from my eggs right here for you, pal, if you like eggnog.
Come.
Could be.
You should drink Stav's Cum just to see what happens.
For the clout.
Yeah, see what happens.
See what happens.
Something cool could happen out of the clout.
Just to see what happens.
Just check it out, man.
You never know what might pop up if you drink that.
It might be pretty cool.
It might be some kind of clout.
I don't know, dude.
I'm getting into being a clout shark.
A clout shark?
Yeah.
A trend-chasing homo.
That's pretty cool.
That's a cool guy to be.
Yeah.
A Brooklyn trend-chasing homo.
I love it.
Yeah.
My name's Christopher.
These dangle earrings and round wire frame.
Yeah.
The dangles are really out there now.
That little beanie that you fold up.
Nissan style.
Caprice Classic tattooed over one of his eyebrows.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Of course, you think that Adam
if you're about the cloud enough to get a bunch of stuff.
Nissan over one eyebrow and Centra over the other.
And then a license plate right across the middle of his face.
Those guys don't know enough about cars to but that's part of it, dude.
That's why it's funny to them.
They don't there's nothing sacred to those
fucking pieces
with fucking people that are getting more pussy than me.
How dare they?
How dare they?
Well, time to play Pokemon Sword and Shield
to feel better.
To feel good.
I bet they.
I wonder about those people that know how to go outside and have conversations.
Talk to each other.
Yeah, because they know how to fuck.
I'll be in my apartment organizing my tools until I die.
I'm going to teach Snorlax how to fucking shoot a bow and arrow.
Yeah, these people respect each other, but look how much respect I get from the gym leaders in this.
How many badges do you have?
I can't wait to be respected as Commander Shepard, as I replay Mass Effect.
Apparently, Ash, I guess the Pokemon TV show is still going.
Yeah.
And Ash just won for the first time.
Yeah.
Ash finally fucks at age 30.
Ash gets pussy.
Yeah.
Oh, wait, that's Zelda.
Adam, did you identify with Misty?
She was the dirty guy because it's the girl on the show.
This is the girl from the show.
Did you?
This is what you identify with.
I didn't watch that show.
I watched Meet the Press.
It's funny.
I watched that.
I was like,
and I always thought there'd be a chance that they'd animate her pussy.
I know exactly what you mean.
You know what I mean?
It's a cartoon, but I'm like, damn, maybe the short story.
This was a sexy cartoon.
Maybe they shot it in a way where they didn't realize her pussy was on camera.
Knowing full well that it's animation.
I didn't want to see pussy, but I did think that about titties legitimately.
I was like, you never know.
You never know what's going to happen.
Maybe they accidentally drew Marge's pussy in that episode where they're running around naked.
A little wardrobe melody.
I'm going to definitely pause to tape it when I know the episode comes on.
And then, like, very slowly with the VCR, go through, like, maybe we'll get a peek.
A peek of her blue,
and I will masturbate to like a shaking image of what I think is a a line.
These Marge Simpsons line pussy.
She's just one line.
Yeah.
She was hot as shit, dude.
She was hot.
Young Marge, dude.
Come on.
Naked.
She let the hair down.
She had a fucking body on her.
Should we all try to check off the Simpsons porn?
See if we like it.
Yeah, we should try.
Different rooms on three.
Let's do it.
One, two, no, different room.
Three.
Different rooms.
Adam's doing it.
Oh, dude.
And I'm looking at his phone, and it's a picture of Mo putting a bottle of beer in his ass.
And his penis is hard, and Adam's drawing himself, sucking off money.
Mo doing a solo
drawing,
printing out a picture of Priscilla's morning and then drawing his cell phone, having gay sex with Mo.
Just yeah,
Adam sitting in a computer chair with his pants around his ankles, drawing, going,
damn.
I can't wait to be done with this drawing so I can jack off
Taking lessons for like six months to learn how to draw.
Yeah.
That would be awesome.
I'm going to start doing going to nude model classes in sweatpants.
Pop a couple of blue chews in the forehand.
And you're like, nah, I just love drawing.
I'm going to love the craft.
I'm getting excited about painting for the last time.
Fucking bitch.
Yeah, but you didn't even,
you brought a composition notebook and a pic.
Yeah, this is how I draw.
Okay, you guys are being fucked up dude i paid the fee like everybody else actually no you didn't you still owe us for the last four classes well i'm i'm requesting student aid you tried to you tried to to bring in a uh a pac-man machine with with chain marks around the center
oh fuck do we have any ads
or any
Yeah, conversations that we'd like to have.
What time is it?
About some goods and stuff.
About halfway through.
Yeah, I guess there's a conversation we can have
in a couple of minutes.
Okay,
I love that.
I'm thinking of a conversation.
I love having conversations about stuff I love.
They hold me down and fucked up.
They hold me down and fuck me.
I get fucked in my ass.
I'm the guy that gets fucked in his ass.
I'm the guy that gets fucked in his ass.
Rock and roll music hit the scene in 1957
and the world would never be the same.
That's right.
We're gay.
We're gay.
Leaving again.
You making a cup of tea, Adam?
I have to drink some water.
Damn, you got that dry throat?
Yeah.
If I get sick, I'm going to be mad.
Yeah, I'm going to be mad, especially considering you're going through your like, can I touch your kettle?
And can I touch this and that?
You're in here.
You got to touch everything.
Getting fucking germs.
dude, you better not give me germs.
Dude, if I get germs,
I'll try not to.
If I get fucking germs,
I'm sorry, I'm serious.
I won't give you germs.
No, I don't think you will, man.
You better make up for it by doing good riffs.
I'm gonna riff.
You had to come here.
I'm gonna take you small.
I haven't had since because I am gay.
Let's get some good ones going, Adam.
Say something funny.
I would love to have a comedy podcast.
They have a huge podcast.
Something that like comics come on, like newer comics come on, and they're like, oh, this will make, like, have a Rogan or something.
And you bring like a guy that's been doing comedy like three years.
He's real excited.
You start the show, and you're like, okay, say something funny.
Yeah, they're nervous.
They're just hoping to fit into the flow.
Yeah, you're like, can you?
All right, say something funny.
Okay, we've got our guest here.
His name is looking at his phone.
Jim.
Jim.
People say he's funny, so go ahead, Jim.
Yeah, yeah, say it.
Go, go.
Oh, am I playing Jim?
And then they say the funniest thing in the world, and it's like crushing with everyone.
You're like, oh,
we've the tape is fucked up.
We're getting at it.
We got to start again.
No,
they just.
Didn't get that.
They just do it.
Doing your job better.
Everyone loves them.
Yeah.
No, the machine is.
Yeah, man.
I can see you just saying boop, boop, boop, in your mouth.
We're in the same room.
Yeah, same room.
Machines don't make that noise.
There's no machine.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
That would be awesome, dude.
Let's keep bringing new comics on this show until we can finally stop doing it.
Yeah.
It's like Excalibur.
It would be like Excalibur.
I would love.
They got to pull the riff about fucking your dad out of our asses.
Yeah.
And then they can have the show.
Right.
I would love to
wear underwear.
Yeah, dude, me too.
I would love to.
What would you love to do, Adam?
I'd love to.
Is there a reason you're dressed head to toe in green today?
It's kind of like I'm wearing the sweat, the kind of athletic sweatpants that I own, and the hoodie that's clean right now.
It is, that's a dirty hoodie.
It's pretty dirty.
But the other hoodie had boogers all over it.
This one has some boogers.
I was really sick in the other one yesterday.
I'm on a two-hoodie rotation right now.
I got to add a third to my hoodie.
I need some more hoodies, too.
But underwear more than hoodies.
underwear for sure actually they do I think they do have hoodies or crew necks yeah we're talking about Mac weldon Mac weldon that's right if you're just joining us we're talking about I'd like to have somebody that starts in the middle
let's see what they're into in the middle of the podcast this time hi folks if you're just joining us on the 700 club we're talking about mac weldon underwear i pat robertson despite being 185 years old have never lost my ability to poop and pee in the fucking toilet because I've prayed to God to keep my cockette
to bring me underwear that holds my penis in a way where it doesn't get loose.
The number one cause of incontinence is having is your sloppy dick gets all loose
in old age.
I hate it
as you get older, the penis hole expands, so true, and eventually it becomes like a tunnel to your bladder, and you'll just dump piss
leak piss out.
And Mac weld underwear prevents that.
Stops that from happening.
MacWaldon, basically, the guys at Mac Weldon, they got tired of their loose pink.
Their cocks just dripping piss.
Leaking all the time.
And if you're like me, you think, oh, well, I'll tuck it into my ass the way it's fissed up, and it creates a reverse siphon and perpetual motion.
That's right.
But when that happens,
sometimes you suck too much shit out of your own ass.
You suck it in, and it goes into your balls.
It goes into your balls.
And MacWald and Underwear is designed so you you don't get shit inside your balls
because
it's tight enough.
It keeps your penis hole tight.
Mac Weldon Underwear may not keep your penis hole tight.
You may still get shit inside of your balls.
Mac Weldon guarantees that you will not shit into your own balls.
Mac Weldon is not going to keep your shit into your own balls.
Yep.
But yeah, dude, so if that's the kind of shit you're worried about, get Mac Weldon underwear.
Get Mac Weldon.
They come in a nice.
I got a nice Hunter Green pair.
Well, that would match my sweats.
Yeah, well, that's why I thought about it when you, because you look like a big pair of fucking underwear.
Beautiful Mac Weldon.
I want to go for
camouflage.
Yeah.
Are you?
You want to get into camo?
That would be something.
I can take you camo shopping.
I know a guy.
I want to get one of those bush things.
I got a guy
if you want.
I got my own Mac Weldon of camouflage.
Yep.
He's like a guy that sells it out of a garage.
Mac Weldon also offers camo underwear for any of our sneakier friends.
Do they?
That
like to be on the prowl when it comes to girls.
When I'm out on the prowl.
What he means by that is having consensual sex with them.
But in a sneaker.
To be clear.
But tactically.
But it's still consensual.
Stoppable force.
They don't know you're in the room.
Well, but they are consenting.
Whatever the situation is.
Stop quoting Yoda for rape.
You must use force, Luke.
Do or do not, there is no try.
There is no try to get pussy, baby.
Anyway,
they got him.
And
the good thing is, if you have gotten consensual pussy and you're worried that maybe you haven't showered and your dick stinks,
Mac Weldon has antimicrobial silver silver that makes your cock smell like roses.
I would just buy it for the coin value of that silver.
That's true.
The other thing is, as the markets fluctuate, you might just want to get that silver line anyway.
You invest in silver when gold goes down,
and then silver goes up, and then when silver goes down, bronze, of course, goes up.
Of course.
We all know that.
And that is how the stock market works.
So.
What else is going on?
If you get one and you don't like it.
Yeah, listen, you don't like it.
You have a fucking small cock or some shit.
Because that's the thing.
It's for guys with nice, meaty cocks.
It's also for
girls, too.
Don't let our small dick fans.
Well, because they have girls' underwear too, so you get that.
Oh, yeah.
You can wear women's underwear, which fits better for you because you're gay.
Got him.
Got it.
Got him.
Yeah.
They actually started developing underwear for small dick guys, and they realized, oh, this is just women's underwear.
So now they sell that too.
They sell all kinds of underwear for all different bodies.
Because at the end of the day, what they are is body positive.
Mm-hmm.
That's so true.
It's a body-positive type of
situation, atmosphere
over there.
It's the kind of place where you go to the bathroom.
Oh, yeah.
You can really shit and piss in there.
You guys got to talk for a second while I find it.
So, yeah, I love to wear the underwear and just get pussy in it.
What do you like to do?
Oh, you like to get pussy in the battery.
I like to get pussy in it.
I pull my cock through the hole or I just pull them down.
I like to
go to the grocery store.
Yeah, I like to go to the bodega in the underwear.
I like to go to the gym in the underwear.
Sure.
They help my lifts.
They help my lifts.
Absolutely.
That's the thing that people don't tell you is that you lift more.
When Adam gets in the gym and he's benching 85 pounds, one rep.
One rep.
Maximum screaming.
Bar shaking his olive oil noodle arms waving back and forth.
People are like, that's the gayest guy I've ever seen.
They're like, wait a minute.
Wait a second.
Look at his waistband.
Are those a Mac Weldon underwear?
Yeah.
Wow, that guy probably fucks way more than I do.
And then
I'm like, hey, man, is that because of the underwear?
And he's like, no, it's because I'm on my friend's podcast.
It's because I'm the third Mike on a cum podcast.
but that podcast
sponsorship deal with this with underwear
exactly so that's why the podcast is successful because
they're gonna be like oh my god you listen to come town yeah i wasn't going to you until i found out and then i'm like actually
sense of humor actually i'm the founder of come town and most popular and they're like cool and they're like here's our pussies and they spread
just rip them open they put both fists in there, and then they just
sounds like a fucking, like,
when you flush a toilet on an airplane.
Just a hungry cavern.
Just a hungry, cavernous hole.
That'll whip the Mac Weldons right off.
Just rip your pants off.
Yeah.
So if that's the kind of pussy you want to get,
go to where?
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
What?
Nothing.
Oh, you have to leave?
No, we got that New York Times update just on the phone.
You probably got it, too.
No, I'm sorry.
I don't have.
We're in the middle of something, Adam.
Well, we can talk about it after we end our discussion about McWells.
I'm waiting, and I don't have any notifications.
Oh, never mind now.
Trump's not the president anymore.
What do you mean, Trump signed the president?
He quit, dude.
He did.
Shut up.
Yeah.
I mean, that would be crazy if that were the same thing.
No, it didn't happen.
Some guy said some shit.
All right, man.
Well, can we finish the president?
Yeah, let's continue.
Let's continue.
Sorry.
So if you want that kind of pussy that's like an airplane bathroom.
Oh, I would love it.
Their frustration.
This is from the fellows themselves.
Their frustration was real.
And their Eureka moment happened in a department retailer aisle full of brands that dominated our top drawer.
The difficulty of going and finding adult men's underwear at Macy's, and you're walking home and
it's like, this is Thomas the Tank Engine on it.
What the hell is it?
Is it for me?
I wish I could just do this online.
What the hell is Macy's problem?
We realized consistent fit and quality became the game roulette.
So we decided to take matters in our own hands.
Started from scratch, enter our own fabric, made a design process, meticulous, something about the fit.
World-class customer experience.
I love it.
World-class.
You know, it's like riding on a fucking Zeppelin.
You know, fucking Hindenburg.
You're there.
You got the nicest underwear in the world.
All right.
You're eating off a silver platter, surrounded by swastikas.
It was back when all the world's best boxers were white guys.
Yep.
You know,
maybe one Italian.
Yeah.
And you're wearing, people are like, what is that underwear?
And you said it's Mac Weldon.
And they're like, what a time to be alive.
1930.
The greatest year.
The greatest year to be a German.
Oh, they were killing it 38.
Yeah.
They were having fun.
I really think it was the Hindenburg was what lost World War II for them.
Yeah, that was so embarrassing.
That was the most fucked up thing they did.
That was really damaging to the club.
Stop, is that hard for you to watch?
Yes, it is.
Ezzaman shapes very similarly to the Hindenburg.
It's very difficult for me to see one of my own go down in such a fiery fashion.
She's slowly trying to park.
Just erupting.
Yeah.
Mac Weldon is better than whatever you're wearing right now.
Mac Weldon is a premium men's essential brand that believes in smart design and premium fabrics.
Oh, yeah.
They engineered it themselves.
The fact.
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Me neither.
First of all, I don't even know where you get fabric.
I guess it's a sheep menu.
You go to mood from that show
Designer with Tim Gunn.
You go to Mood Fabrics.
But anyway,
Fashion Runway.
Runway.
Yep.
Smash and Runway.
Smash and Runway.
That's what I'm trying to watch.
So if you want to get these fucking underwears.
They smart design premium fabrics.
Underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies.
What the fuck is an undershirt?
It's like a white shirt you wear under like a dress shirt.
It's a shirt.
A t-shirt.
I don't wear anything under a dress shirt.
I typically don't either.
Yeah.
Really?
Sometimes a wife beater.
Every once in a while I'll wear something
to prevent, to shield it.
From what?
From sweat.
Oh, well, if that's a problem, they have a silver line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial.
Wow.
This kind of shit they put in sponges.
I love sponges.
They eliminate odor.
And MacWalton wants you to be comfortable.
So if they don't like your first pair, you can keep it, and they will still refund you.
No questions asked.
Not only does MacWaldon's underwear, sock shirts look good they perform well too it's good for working out going to work going out on dates just everyday life
um
20 off your first order visit macweldon.com and then our promo code come town20 and checkout that's real money right there it's a fuck it's real money it's real money bitch which is real money you don't like the underwear you call them up you tell them hey listen
i got shit in my balls I got my balls are absolutely
in my ball sack.
Oh, I'm pretty sure it's what?
What is the problem?
That would suck, just thinking about it.
Yeah, that's why you got to get Mac welding underwear.
That's why you got to get Mac Weldon underwear.
And they'll fund you your money if you don't like it.
And if there's something else you want to spend your money on, why not make it our Patreon?
You like these kind of riffs?
Basically,
talking about putting shit in your nuts.
I like this.
Well, go to patreon.com/slash Cometown and pay us more money than we already have.
You get an extra episode every week, plus, you have access to all of the back archive of every single past movie.
Yep.
And the
Blu-ray rips of every James Bond movie.
Yeah, we do have.
Yeah,
the entirety of the Bang Bus catalog.
And 4K ripped archives.
And the reality kings.
Oh, yeah.
I love those kings.
And also, come see me
at the stress factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut on the 21st.
Hilarious.
In Atlanta on the 23rd,
Nashville, the 24th, and then Baltimore, 29th, 30th, and then Houston on the 13th of December.
And then Fat Tuesdays, every mother fucking Tuesday.
What a bad name for a comedy club, the Stress Factory.
I know.
Where should we go to have a good time?
A nice, relaxing time.
Chill out.
Forget about our worries.
Let's go to Trauma Zone.
Yeah.
Oh, look, they opened a new comedy club.
The Holocaust Museum Comedy Club.
Hopefully this is better than that stress factory place.
Anyway, I mean, Auschwitz looks like a stress factory.
It was.
It's got smokestacks.
You can't imagine what a stress factory was.
It would be funny to be like a dumbass that lived in whatever town Auschwitz was in.
Yeah.
In Poland?
Yeah, in Poland.
And, like, you know, people are like, this war is crazy.
And you're like, oh, yeah, I don't really pay attention to politics stuff.
You're like, just.
I'm kind of in the middle.
I'm a moderate.
Politics is gay, bro.
Politics stuff.
You know, it's like, it's
everybody's.
And then you're like just driving past Auschwitz every day to work.
And you're like, I wonder what they make in that factory.
It seems like it's always
humming.
Always got shit going on.
And those workers look fucking tired.
Dude, those guys don't make shit, bro.
This guy got, I wonder, you know.
They look broke as hell.
Yeah.
They're like, Blue Zoe, help me.
You got to talk to your union rap, bro.
Unionize.
This is your own fault for joining a non-union shop.
Yeah, that's what you get.
I'm a teenager,
bro.
You could be a train driver like me.
I am getting paid.
The work is non-stop.
Yeah.
And I'm getting paid handsomely.
They're like, just open the boxcar door.
It's like, dog, I don't touch any of the cargo.
Union rules.
I don't even know what's in the fucking cargo.
I drive it.
They don't even know.
My job is to press the go button on the train.
Motherfucker steers itself.
$370 an hour.
Six months of vacation.
And I'm racist.
That's the way unions used to be.
All-inclusive rules.
That used to be.
You worry busted your ass at a factory working 22 hours a week
for the modern day equivalent of $480 an hour.
Buy a house for $20.
That's right.
Six bedroom house, 19-car garage.
And you get to call $11.
Whatever you want.
They kick them off the bus if you want.
You had fucking you you had you had authority
on the bus.
Oh, fuck.
oh dude you know what i saw on twitter that earnest right the guy who plays earnest
r.ip
he fucked freddie mercury when he was young wow and earnest was by
wow doesn't that rule
he fucked freddie mercury yeah dude and he was hot i saw a picture when he was young young earnest what's his name something earnest goes gay
earnest sucks dick
yeah what's that guy's name jim varney jim varney yes Jim Varney, he was a fucking, he was a babe, dude.
That man was sexy.
I watched.
And he fucked a man.
I watched a Parallax View
the other night.
He did it for the club.
No, I don't think so.
No one knows.
And
yeah, it's weird.
Young Warren Beatty kind of looks like a combination of Tim Robbins and Joe Biden.
Jim Biden was kind of hot when he was young.
Like, Joe Biden's like 92.
He's still hot.
You see that video of him speaking at an event, and he's completely backwards, he's just facing the screen talking.
That's awesome.
I mean, I don't know how you fucked that up.
It's a stage, there's like clearly an audience in front of you.
Oh, yeah, young Bourne Beatty could absolutely serve.
I mean, old Bourne Beatty, too.
But young man.
That guy aged like a fine one.
He's young, this motherfucker.
Yeah, he's incredible.
Below my pussy.
Clyde era.
Yep.
I saw The Gyrishman.
Don't talk about it.
I haven't seen it.
Well, I won't ruin any of those three and a half beautiful hours.
Please don't.
Yeah.
It was really long.
Honestly, it was ruined by the fact that I needed to piss the last, like, I'd say 90.
That's why I'm seeing it in my house on Thanksgiving.
But I would not be able to not look at my phone.
That's why I saw it in the theater.
Did you already make a
Jamaican accent joke about it?
Like the IRE
man on Twitter.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I figured that would be your move.
Thanks, bro.
Yeah, I want to see it, dude.
Yeah, it's
don't.
Nope.
Nothing about it.
You don't want to know?
I don't even want.
I don't want to even.
Did you see Don do that tweet about the Irishman?
Yeah, it was very funny.
What do you say?
What do you say?
I don't know.
His letterbox is really funny.
Yeah,
puts the wrong actors in movies.
That's good.
What's my man up to?
He's like some Canadian guy?
He's just some guy in Toronto, I think.
Nice.
He's one of the funniest.
Shouts out to Don.
Hope you're getting slobbed off.
What I will say is at the IFC Center,
I saw the 240 screening on a Thursday.
Hell yeah.
So it was every single old Upper West Side.
Just Jew Central.
And we were like waiting in line, Will and I, and like
in front of us in line was this guy and his wife.
And all he was doing for an hour and a half was just complaining about Trump.
And as if they don't live together to his wife.
They don't share a life together.
Yeah, and he was just like, and he's an illegitimate president, and the transcript is fake.
And it's just like,
they only speak to each other in Maddow, of course.
And
then also, we got, there was an old, an old man fell down the stairs at the IFC
in front of that kind of shit.
With a cane.
Just him like all getting all onto the top step.
He topples.
I thought he was like dead or broken hip or something.
Then a bunch of people helped him up
and he just turned to the rest of the theater and he was just like, I just want to see the movie.
And they like administered first aid, like the guys that worked there because he didn't want to leave and go to the hospital because he wanted to see the new Marty.
God damn.
It was sick, dude.
Damn.
Being around my people is awesome, man.
The fucking Houdin.
Yeah.
They're disgusting.
Everyone's got a cold.
Everyone's sniffling.
Everyone has germs.
Damn.
Seeing a movie, a good-ass movie when you're that old is probably so good.
That probably is
that would be your favorite thing.
That's all I want to do when I'm old.
Go to the cinema.
Yeah, dude.
When your cock doesn't work, you're free of the tyranny of trying to get pussy.
You could just watch fucking TV and eat and die.
Hang out with your friends at Duncan.
I can't wait.
I can't wait, dude.
I can't wait either.
I just want to die and get my pussy sucked.
What are you guys doing for Fucksgiving?
I still haven't bought my ticket.
I'd probably see my family.
Nice.
What's the spread looking like?
We do it all right now, but now my dad has to do it all.
Yeah.
It's not as good.
Get it catered.
Yeah, I don't know.
You should get a fucking Popeyes fried turkey.
Do they fry a full turkey turkey?
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
I tried the sandwich again.
Try to give him another chance.
You know what it is?
It's like with fast food, you gotta catch a good one.
Yeah, I suppose.
Shut said it was pretty good.
I think if you're like at the right Popeyes franchise location.
And you don't think you were at the right one?
I was at the one in Bedford-Stuyves and it was not.
What's the problem there?
It was not as I don't know.
Their standards might have might have been lower.
You know, when you catch a good McDonald's?
Yeah, absolutely.
It could happen to McDonald's yesterday.
Did you catch a good one?
What do you mean?
You know, occasionally you're like, this is a, I'm at a good McDonald's right now.
They got like a fucking, there's like a fat lesbian.
There's a fat lesbian manager that's just absolutely
so strict.
Task manager.
She's beating retarded managers.
Like all the ones I go to now, everything's automated.
That's true.
They hire 15 black women to scream the numbers out, and then everything else is robots.
They're like, we haven't figured out a way to make robots scream.
Once we teach these robots.
7-5-2!
That's the first time you've said that now.
Hello!
349, your order.
It's like, okay,
that was the first call.
The automated one is dangerous when you're fat.
You go, your shit.
It's ready already.
Shit, here.
Your shit already fucking done.
There you go.
Bye.
Oh, you're talking about the touch screen.
The touch screen is a problem because when you're fat as shit, and especially when I'm going to McDonald's, I'm usually high as shit.
Well, they designed them so that homeless people can't kill or have sex with them.
So the screen's got like a fucking four and a half inch bulletproof fucking glass on it.
So you press, you have to fucking like
jam your goddamn finger on the fucking screen just to get to register anything.
And it's like, just let the homeless people destroy them.
Of course.
I would rather be convenience than fucking walk out of the store because it's like, I don't want to fucking like, you know, literally have to go like put a fucking finger splint on afterwards.
Yeah.
I've hurt myself all the time.
I'm always covered in cuts.
Don't want to get me angry.
I will fuck up and hurt myself.
Do you remember that tweet a couple months ago with that fat lady?
I will smear blood all over your fucking machine.
This is New York City.
If you think I'm not the kind of guy that will lose his patience,
take a shit and harm myself and shit everywhere.
Harm myself and shit outside.
Shit in your shit on the floor in the store.
So even the homeless guys are like, man, you don't even live outside.
I mean, not when we last resort for us.
When we do it as cultural.
Boys.
I like using those machines because they don't misgender me.
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