Ep. 180 – all cylinders

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And we're and we're gay, and we're off.

Tech, tech, tech, tech.

Good check, tech, one, check, tick.

You see tech tech.

Tech tech.

Can you tell me where it is?

Fuck, I had a better word.

Testing one five six.

If you see my penis.

Testing.

If you see my penis, that's what it was.

Testing one three B.

Testing one cookie.

Just do this for an hour, man.

Who fucking cares?

We could funnel some money money into a non-profit where we teach retarded people how to podcast

i mean i've had that mental image of the guys that drive-through thing going good morning vietnam it's just a line of cars backed up for 15 miles just 15 miles jesus christ

yeah you know a lot of people wanted they just want the new popeye's chicken sandwich Lord, if they got that retarded boy doing a good morning Vietnam again when the new sandwich coming out.

15 15 miles.

Haven't waited for the DC from Baltimore.

I'm the next town over.

I'm trying to go to the Popeyes three times over from here to get my spicy chicken Popeye sandwich because I've been done seeing the commercial.

It's back.

I've been done seeing the commercials.

Okay, to interrupt this character.

Adam, you have a review of the Popeyes chicken sandwich.

I tried it today.

How did you feel?

I thought it was normal.

Wow.

I haven't had it yet.

But I didn't have it in the the shop.

You know what I mean?

You'd have it fresh.

Like fresh.

I got it delivered, but it came pretty quickly.

It was under 15 minutes.

Did you get fries with it?

I got Cajun fries.

The Cajun fries go off.

Of course.

I love them.

And you know what?

I had some Cajun fries left over.

I ate them like four hours later.

Still tastes

some of the most reheatable fries in the industry.

Really?

It's true.

McDonald's fries suck

after like 20 minutes.

McDonald's, you have to eat like as it's coming off the griddle.

Immediately.

As it's coming off off the griddle.

A hot McDonald's fry, though.

Great.

If you get backed up on some good morning, Vietnam stuff,

you know, you're fucked.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I waited for my food for 30 minutes.

There was a guy who kept saying, good morning, Vietnam, into the headset.

Good morning, Vietnam.

That's right.

Very good, Eric.

That's very good.

That is correct, Eric.

Good job, Eric.

People are mad.

There's a helicopter outside.

Apparently, the cars are backed up for 15 miles into the town over.

They refuse to take him off, though.

15 miles makes me think about 15 minutes of paradise.

Remember that game?

Hey, folks, we're here in Hanoi.

Oh, that's true.

He's becoming Robin Williams.

Yeah, he's just very good.

What if it's a story?

It's the only thing he's good at.

What if that's Robin Williams coming back?

He's like a savant.

No, he's haunting a retarded.

From Saigon to Hanoi.

Oh.

The Hanoi.

And the Hanoi.

Remember that guy?

The Noid?

Pizza Pizza, Lil Caesar.

I wonder

what happened to Lil Bruno.

You got Lil Caesar.

What happened to Lil Bruno?

Brutus?

Little Brutus.

Little Brutus.

Little Brutus.

Little Brutus.

Yeah, now they call it something like that.

Good morning, Beta.

We're back.

I see a lot of women that look like Robin Woods, like old women.

Yeah.

Do you find that phenomenon?

Yeah, that's your type.

No.

That's a type of your

camera.

I don't see them in terms of

women that look like Robin Williams.

I've been having a lot of time.

I've been taking Robin Williams ladies.

I've gotten ladies of the genie on.

Taking them against Sangria, dude.

Stops dating three women that look like Mrs.

Delphire.

Mrs.

Delfire had some big ass titties, dude.

Yeah, but they were fake, dude.

You know, they're not as good as the real thing.

I wouldn't fuck Mrs.

Delphire, but I'd fuck a lady lady that looks like Mrs.

Delphire, I guess.

Come on, bro.

No, you wouldn't.

A young version?

What does a young version look like?

It's a man dressed up like an old police.

If Mrs.

Delfire was a woman, right?

An old bitch with big, she was kind of shapely because her shit was fake, right?

Now you extrapolate that.

Aesthetics.

Harvey Fire.

Robin Williams tries to get his kid back, so instead of pretending to be an old British lady, he pretends to be an old black lady.

And the movie's called Mrs.

Shoutfire.

Okay.

She's like, first of all, I'm going to be loud.

I'll come from old school.

I got to be honest, if somebody pitched that to Robin Williams at the right time,

100%.

Of course it would.

In Blackface.

Yeah, with a cameo by Billy Crystal

as the jazz man.

For whatever reason, there's like the audience applauds when he first comes on screen.

Sitcom.

There's no, yeah, there's no audience for the rest of the world.

There's no audience.

But Billy Crystal shows up in Blackface.

Woo!

Hell yeah.

He just stands there smiling.

The Kelly Bundy treatment.

Waiting for them to to finish

cheering for him.

Waving.

That would be awesome.

That would be an awesome flourish in a movie.

Like Tarantino, not unlike Lenton Tarantino.

What do you mean?

Yeah.

He would do, he does.

He writes the N-word.

Yeah.

And then he goes,

the first thing Billy Crystal says, he goes, you know, he waits for them to come down.

He's like, sorry, I'm late.

I'm black.

Then the audience laughs.

I'm like, good to see you, Billy.

Yeah, Billy.

Nice, nice, penis, Billy.

Very good.

Very good.

Very good penis.

That's right.

Bullseye.

Annihilated that bit.

Annihilated.

Very good.

Very good, penis, Billy.

Very good, Penis, Billy.

Hey, man, thank you.

What did he do?

Sammy Davis Jr.

Oh, yeah, sure.

What would he do?

Hi, Hi, it's me, Simon Davis Jr.

Thanks for noticing my penis.

Thanks for looking at my penis, folks.

I don't even know.

I have no idea.

Nice penis, Billy.

Very good penis, Sammy.

Oh,

let's get it hard.

These kids are sitting there screaming.

Is he in the blackface sucking?

Trying to win you back from your slut mother.

She's a slut.

That's a fun word, isn't it?

Slut?

Because you can hear the dicks going in her pussy when you say it.

Slut, slut.

Slut, slut.

You're gonna hear him hitting the back.

That's what it sounds like, doesn't it, Billy?

Nice, penis.

Penis, Billy.

Does it sound like that, Ben?

Doesn't it sound like that, Billy?

Back me up on this one.

My kids are here.

You're gonna back me up in front of my kids.

Dad, we know it's you.

He's talking in his regular voice.

You're doing your daddy.

As a fat black lady.

You're just wearing a black lady clothes.

Mrs.

Shotfire pulled her dick out and was complimenting Billy Crystal's dick.

Mrs.

Shotfire, Jessica said something very strange to me.

First of all, do you know Billy Crystal?

Do you know Billy Crystal?

Because my ex-husband, Robin Williams, was good friends with him.

And I'm always worried that he's going to try and use a disguise to sneak

back into our lives.

Oh, hell yeah.

So this is like kind of a curb your enthusiasm style show

or movie.

I mean, I could have sworn it was you, Robin, but I'm pretty sure that he killed himself a couple years ago.

Mrs.

Shaftfire, I have to be honest with you.

I really thought

if somebody told me that you were Robin in disguise, just doing blackface so you could compliment Billy Crystal's penis, I would believe them.

But luckily, I know you

committed suicide.

Oh, that's he did.

He committed.

So you must be Mrs.

Shaofi.

Yeah, that's a weird coincidence.

Isn't that crazy?

The week after he killed himself, get that penis in there, Billy.

Billy,

show my children your penis.

It's the bottom of the ninth.

Everybody's out.

Billy's penis is up.

Am I going to suck it or am I going to fuck it?

It's the World Series of Billy's Penis.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wow.

Damn.

Salute to Sally Fields getting her cheeks clapped by fucking James Bond, dude.

Oh, yeah.

He plays the other men.

Yeah, Pierce Brazen.

I always thought it was weird when his son catches him peeing in the Mrs.

Doubtfire clothes, and he's peeing standing up.

And his son's like, all like.

Isn't that the reveal his son knows?

And they're on cahoots now?

Well, I don't think that he knows it's his dad.

I think he just thinks Mrs.

Doubtfire is a penis.

No, he knows it's no dad.

Is that how he finds out?

Yeah, of of course.

I know you'd recognize my penis anyway.

No, it's not.

Remember when Uncle Billy would come over?

I have news for you.

That's not Sammy Davis.

I don't want my ex-husband's friends showing my children their penis anymore.

So I haven't restored.

I'm not sure if I got divorced.

You and Billy Crystal would come over.

You, Billy Crystal,

a recut of like.

It's going to be fucking hilarious.

Just recut Mrs.

Diefard so it opens with the scene of him in the dress and his daughter seeing his penis while he's pissing.

And then cuts to Sally Field being like, Robin, I want to divorce.

He was already dressing up like that, bitch.

He cut out all the Harvey Feierstein shit.

Just nothing where he's normal.

No.

And then that movie.

And it cuts to Mrs.

Dief.

her and be like, oh, no.

Oh, no.

She left him because he was doing his

already pretending.

Oh, good heavens, child.

That movie ends and they don't get back together, right?

Yeah.

But they're happy now.

Yeah.

They're happy.

She's happy with her new man.

She's getting her fucking message.

The message of the 90s.

Every movie in the 90s was like, you know, those things will kill you.

And some guy quitting smoking.

Yeah.

Well, you know, like an alien's hunting him.

Right, right, right.

And, you know, it's like, divorce, divorce is the worst thing in the world.

Actually, it's good.

Yeah.

Because

your parents still love you.

You know, as much as people talk about like

white people being overrepresented in media, like the divorce, the divorce obsession.

In the 90s, yeah.

It was insane.

Or the dead parent.

Well, how successful, like, Pearl, I mean, Pearl Jen is a good band, but all of their songs are like, I just found out I have a stepdad.

Now I'm pissed.

And I'm singing about a game

that Eric wasn't actually my dad.

Oh, he didn't realize that wasn't his dad.

My real dad died in Vietnam.

And now I have to drink a beer.

Here I am.

Drinking a beer or two beer.

I heard that

Jack Nicholson found out that his older sister was his mom.

Whoa.

And that's why he's

fucked so much.

He fucks so much, yeah.

Wow.

Because he was so fucked up by that.

Because his mom was

a pussy.

His grandma was his.

His mom was his grandma, I guess.

Because if Freud is right, and I've really looked into his story.

Was that he wanted to fuck his sister?

Well, if his sister's his mom, now he's like, nah, I'd like to fuck hot chicks instead of a mom.

I don't know if his sister was hot.

Or his mom's sister.

She probably was.

Freud's so funny because it's like he developed all this, you know, like a basis for psychoanalysis and a breakdown of like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like, you know, so you can see him as like a scientist, but he was also seeing patients,

right?

And doing bumps, too.

Yeah, and he didn't like an empathetic guy at all.

Like, I can't imagine Freud being your therapist.

Yeah, he would have been probably

just walking out and they're like looking all like crestfallen.

Somebody's like, what's up?

He's like, I don't know.

He just said, you're gay, and then swish.

And he was wiping his nose the whole time.

He's wiping his nose.

He was hitting the back.

He said you want to hit his whole tear.

And then he made a shotgun noise.

Yeah.

Checkmate.

Checkmate.

You secretly want to fuck your gay dude.

That's why you're left-handed.

Oh, yeah.

What did he say?

He didn't like left-handed people or something?

Jack Nicholson was, yes, was brought up believing that his mother was his sister and his grandparents were his parents for 37 years.

Dude, you know, in the 20s or whenever the fuck, I would get sucked off by his mom.

I think it was later than the 20s, but yeah.

How much later?

This motherfucker's old as shit.

He's not 100 years old.

This is like close, bro.

A seven-year-old Jack Nicholson sitting at the dinner table, and there's no dinner served, and his mom's like, or his sister's like, I'm going out on a date.

She's balding.

I'm going to see one of my fellow friends.

If you catch my drift, guy,

there's a couple of hot dogs in the icebox.

Feel free to help yourself.

I'm going to go suck off an entire fleet.

If you catch my drift, I'm going to blow a bunch of sailors.

I'm going to put their dicks in my mouth.

1937, which pretty close to the 20s, by the way.

We don't have any mustard, but if you want to squeeze some of the old cum out of my panties and use that, I'm sure it's pretty sour by now.

So horrified.

So he's like, I guess I got to be an actor.

I got to fuck all shit.

Jeez, Mom, I guess if you want to be a whore, you don't have to be.

You might have to be such a whore to my face.

I'm six.

Wait, so he found out in his 30s?

Yeah, I guess he found out when he was 37, bro.

Wow, that would fuck me up, I guess.

Yeah, what if he jacked off?

I mean, not that he jacked, not that you jack off to your sister.

I don't know.

I don't have a sister, but what if he jacked off to a sister and then he was like, wait, that was my mom?

Yeah, you think that would.

Listen, I'm doing this because I'm trying to get you into that nice new retarded school they have down the street.

But I already go to school and I'm not retarded.

And that guy's the foreman at a steel mill.

Listen, shut up, will ya?

I'm your mother, after all.

Just kidding.

I mean,

you'll figure it out later.

In front of him.

Hell yeah, dude.

Respect.

Respect to that hussy, dude.

That means she got her.

She got raw dogged.

She was hot.

She was all right.

How old was she when she gave birth to him?

I don't know, but it was 1935, 37, 36 when she was fucked.

Oh, yeah.

Who was president?

Hoover.

Hoover.

She got her president.

No, no, it might have been Roosevelt.

FDR, dude.

Yeah.

Franklin Dick Succleo Rook.

Yeah, it was Roosevelt.

My man was getting.

Dude, one time when I went on tour with Wham City, they had some guy open for them that was like just some local guy, old as shit.

And I asked him, it was a horrible show, and he played piano or whatever.

And I asked him

who was president when he got his dick sucked for the first time.

And he said, Truman.

While Truman was president, dude.

Damn, that's so funny.

And he was like alive and kicking, dude.

It awful.

How old was he?

He was an old man.

Yeah, he was old.

He was old as fuck.

But he was still kicking, bro.

Still getting his dick sucked.

Opening for Ben.

That's right.

Opening for Ben and Alan and Robbie, the whole crew and me.

The whole crew.

It's Ben's birthday today.

Happy birthday, Chris.

Shout out to Ben.

Shout out to Ben O'Brien.

That bald fucking slut.

That cute bald motherfucker.

Mr.

Clean.

If you want someone to Mr.

Clean your pussy ladies, holler at Ben O'Brien.

Benfo'Brien on Twitter.

No.

Only if you're a hot woman, talk to him.

If you're a fucking loser, don't bother my friend.

But if you want to get,

he's got big arms and he's got a thicker penis than you'd think.

Why would you think he doesn't have a thick penis?

I don't know.

It's just he doesn't see.

But you know what?

Maybe I should think that.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm not fair to myself.

He's got a penis energy.

You're right.

He's got a nice thick piece.

He's got big Popeye arms.

He's got the face of Justin Long.

He does.

And the head of Telly Saval.

Yes, that's right.

Oh, my God.

So please, for his birthday, give my boy Ben O'Brien a head.

Well, it'll be a late birthday present.

That's true.

Can we get this up tonight?

Yeah, get it up tonight for Ben.

Rush this up so Ben can get his cock fucking absolutely sauteed by some fucking saliva from a whore in L.A.

Or in the surrounding area if you're willing to drive to Los Angeles, I suppose.

The last time I spoke to him, he's got a nice spot, I believe.

No, I'm not going to say the neighborhood, but it's nice.

So that's our birthday shout-out of the day for Ben O'Brien.

Oh, I got a couple more actually.

Go ahead.

Who else?

It's my friend Sawyer's birthday today.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, Ben Orbiter.

Happy birthday to Sawyer.

Happy birthday to Sawyer.

Who else?

who else is what is it?

Scorpio, dude?

Yeah, this is Scorpions.

A good ass band.

Shout out to the Scorpions.

Shout out to the fucking Scorpions.

I think the second episode in the row they've been mentioned.

Here I am.

Sucking my gosh, dick again.

Oh, yeah.

Shout out to the bad.

Oh, shit.

Diddy, it was Diddy's birthday today.

Ralph Macchio.

Wow, we got a lot.

Oh, shout out to the dog.

Matthew McConaughey.

Des Bryant.

Damn, a lot of good birthdays.

Someone named Yoatzi Castro.

Kathy Griffin.

Oh, boo.

We do not wish her a happy birthday.

Jeff Probes, survivor.

Shout out.

Oh, shout out to the dog that killed that religious scholar.

Bethany Frankl.

Tony Abbotts from Australia.

The head of Isis.

Was it a dog?

Benjamin Gates.

I think that was his name.

No, it was

killed by a dog.

No, no, the Doris Roberts.

The head of Isis.

Doris Roberts' birthday, also.

She's dead?

Whoa, when did Doris die?

Everyone loves Raymond's birthday.

Everybody's pussy sucks Raymond.

Wow.

Hold on, I got a couple more here.

Everybody loves Brain Men.

You just suck everybody's dick.

Ooh, and Laura Bush's birthday.

So happy birthday to Bennett O'Brien, Laura Bush, Jeff Probst.

The fucking pink rose of

Texas.

The pussy rose of Texas.

I watched a lot of Dr.

Quinn Medicine medicine woman the other day.

Oh, dude.

My whole thing is like simulating 1998.

That bitch is hot, dude.

I remember her being really hot.

You stole this from Stav.

Stop said she was hot first.

Thank you.

So we talked about it, and Stav said she was hot, and you said nothing.

And now that it's come up again, you're going to be the one that's going to be a little bit more.

Well, maybe Stav said it is a bad thing.

Speaking of Ben O'Brien's birthday, that is a very good tribute.

That time he did a joke.

And then the next episode, you did the exact same joke.

I

you that was honestly the funniest thing I've ever experienced in my life.

Oh, there's funnier things.

No, having you completely dead.

And I'm not even the guy who's like, you steal, right?

Nick does that to you way more than I do.

Well, I do do it, and I'm not even the guy that does it.

I'm just someone that I'm one of many people that have noticed a trend.

What do you mean, many?

Many people are saying we don't have to bring this back.

Cubby, copy Adam's gag.

Bravo 118, we've got Adam stealing jokes.

That's not

him in our sights.

Come on, guys.

Oh, you're doing a helicopter.

We're a helicopter.

We're zeroed in on Adam, and

we've got him on infrared, and he's hyping up jokes.

He's Googling jokes to steal.

Good jokes.

Yeah.

It's out of personal friends of mine.

No.

Come on, bro.

He's finding jokes to steal on a tactical laptop in Al-Qaeda territory.

I want to get one of those laptops that you you can drop from Heavy Duty.

Yeah.

You're on one of those.

For like construction sites and war zones.

You're on one of those scrolling back to fucking

who's Brian Parisi's the winner from Brian Parisi?

I don't know, man.

I'm just picking a guy we know.

Come on, bro.

I'm sorry.

Who did you want me to say?

Adam's like, yeah, people say I have a very vaginal accent.

That's the only one of Parisi jokes I remember.

What is this?

I have a real vaginal accent.

I'll tell you what, if you want to bet on how many jokes Adam stole this guy.

Come on, bro.

You can bet on it.

It's not even a joke.

I just observed that Dr.

Quinn was hot.

Yeah, well, that counts, man.

It counts.

It doesn't count.

What would be the joke that you would do?

I was like, oh, I just remember she was hot.

Okay, so do a joke about her being hot.

What do you mean, a joke?

So, like, on the show, because I want to see it, I'm testing you.

So, okay, so if you think Megan Fox is hot, and you say it, and then a couple weeks later, I say Megan Fox is hot.

There's a character on the show that would say something funny about Dr.

Quinn.

Say it.

You're putting yourself, you're doing a joke.

Yeah.

I have one locked and loaded, by the way.

I did it over text already.

Yeah, I know.

So we got it.

I remember it.

So we know.

Documented.

So you'd like...

Just use your brain.

Just professional comedian.

I don't get what you're trying to say.

Do a joke about Dr.

Quinn Medicine Woman being hot.

Yeah.

Try one.

Why would you make a joke about that?

Because we're doing a comedy podcast.

Because we're on a riff.

Yeah, but sometimes we remember people that we used to think would do things.

And then we toss out a little riff.

Okay, Dr.

Quinn

medicine pussy.

Okay.

Okay.

That could be one.

Okay.

Take that out.

So there he knows.

They're in the old west, right?

She knows the stuff up.

You rub your, maybe her pussy juice is vapor.

What would you say to Dr.

Quinn Medicine woman?

You'd say, Dr.

Quinn, I have

like a case.

A case of what?

Of the Dr.

Quinn medicine penis.

Oh, come on, man.

What do you mean?

Consumption?

No, that's not a joke.

That's something that happens on the show.

You fucking moral.

So I'm making people literally accurate to the show.

I'm making it accurate to the show.

You're trying to fuck her.

What could be a malady that you need to

trick her into letting you fuck?

Heavy balls?

There, we stole the joke.

No, what joke?

Stop heavy balls joke.

Dr.

Quinn, I got a bad case of heavy balls.

No, you didn't.

Stop it it at all.

My balls are overloaded.

Come on, that's a

fun text.

So you have your drone.

Show me the text.

I mean, it literally says heavy balls.

It's so funny.

This is awesome.

No, they're making up a text.

No, this is unbelievable.

This is so true.

This is hilarious.

When did you say heavy balls?

It was between me and Nick.

Yeah, it was between me.

I haven't even seen the text.

It's on your phone.

But he did it on the show.

He said, you have a case of heavy balls, and you need some Dr.

Quinn medicine pussy.

No, but you got, listen, I'll give you Dr.

Quinn medicine pussy.

Give that to me.

I'll give that to you.

That's fine.

Well, I was just going to say I have a case of consumption because that would have been accurate to the show.

Anyways, you're getting that save

Adam has stolen.

I haven't stolen that.

Are you the type of fan that knows football so well that you refuse anything?

Dr.

Quinn, I have a very bad case of overfilled balls.

Yeah.

Okay, and I said heavy balls.

1049.

You guys text that to each other

off thread Saturday, October 15th.

If you said that on the come time.

I did it the next episode.

He did.

He said it.

No, he said it prior to this, back when we talked about Dr.

Quinn the first time.

He said that she has heavy balls.

He said that Dr.

Quinn, I got a bad case of heavy balls or overfilled balls underneath my balls.

And I said heavy balls.

And so I literally just said that he said

why else would you need

a fan that knows football so well?

Are you the type of fan that knows football so well that you could choose any game and college?

That's the kind of guy I am.

Well, my bookie is a place for you.

See, I would have said my penis has gone inside out and I need it to be sucked back into shape.

That's really good.

See, I wouldn't have gone heavy ball.

Or you could even say there's a tapeworm in my penis and I need it sucked.

Something can be sucked out of your penis.

I'm sort of the Miles Davis of riffing.

So you do a jazz style.

I always have.

No one knows where I'm coming.

I don't follow the rules.

It's about the slurs you don't say.

Yeah, I understand.

It's about the end bombs you don't drink.

If you're doing some paint-by-numbers stuff, it's obvious you would obviously say that.

Well, then, by virtue of that, you're saying Stav does too.

Because it comes out of me like I'm a virtuoso when he says, I just didn't understand what you guys were asking.

Steve's very good at very specific things.

Thank you.

I got a case of heavy balls.

It fits his oeuvre.

Thank you.

It does fit my oeuvre.

Okay, I won't ever say that.

It doesn't fit your Now, let me ask you this: Are you a type of fan of Rene football so well that you can choose any game and call it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my Bookie is the place for you because they let you turn all your sports knowledge into cash in your wallet.

Oh, I love that shit.

Which is, look, there's only two things I know about: sports and Nazi Germany.

And now I'm making money off both.

Wait a second.

On mybookie.com?

No, just the sports stuff.

I'm betting there.

And then with the Nazi information,

I'm

training people online.

I'm doing web seminars to teach a man how to be better

or more tactical.

Absolutely.

They weren't tactical enough, if you ask me.

Yeah, they were.

They were highly tactical.

You out of your fucking mind?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

This is awesome for my bookshelf.

They're getting the first half of the read is us calling them stealing.

The second half is Nick's fucking defending Nazis.

I'm defending their tactics.

I didn't think they were that tactical.

They were very tactical.

No.

We can pick this up after the read is

after this natural conversation.

They were wearing like Hugo Boss suits.

They could have worn more cargo pockets.

Look, you know what?

I'm just saying.

They could have been more tactical.

What could be more tactical than just exterminating?

I don't know.

Let's not ask that question.

Do you think that's a tactic?

I mean, no one else came up with it.

Is any tactic

that in the past?

Yeah.

So you could have a bad tactic, and that would be tactical.

It's still tactical.

It is tactical.

It is tactical.

Okay, if that's your definition, then I concede the point.

The Nazis were tactical.

Well, my bookie is a place for you because they let you turn all your sports knowledge into cash in your wallet.

Between football season, NBA, and the start of college basketball season, it's time to get off the sideline and get in on the action with my bookie.

That's right, Nick.

You guys tired of being on the sidelines?

Sick of it.

I hate that shit.

Maybe you're tired of being in jail because you're doing illegal gambling out on the street.

That's playing going up.

Dominoes.

Going stoop by stoop in East New York saying, you guys trying to do some dice?

They put a gun in your face, don't they?

Trust me, I've been out there.

Oh, yeah.

I've tried to make a little extra scratch with a handful of dice and going around bad neighborhoods.

Trying to...

What do you say, fellas?

Running a game of dice?

Just wearing a pinstripe suit.

Just getting the shit absolutely kicked out of you.

Yeah.

What do you say, fellas?

Not even robbed.

Just at a principal beating the shit out of you.

Look, man, we can't have you thinking you're safe around here.

We can't have you walking around here.

Wearing a pinstripe suit with yourself.

Keep your money.

Yeah, yeah, but

we are going to fuck your ass up.

Between football season and NBA and the start of college, we already did that one.

Yep.

If you're the kind of guy who likes to bet a little to win a lot, try a parlay.

Me?

That's stopped, dude.

I love.

We call him parlay.

They call him parlay.

SK, stop.

Absolutely.

He's parlaying.

He's an SK hot dog.

I'm wearing you up.

What's that?

They plump when you cook them.

That's ballparks, you're a bad boy.

Sometime here for plump hot dogs.

SK are the official

most disgusting hot dog.

SK is the trash.

Yeah, they're the Glenn Burney hot dogs.

It's a Maryland hot dog.

And I don't like the way you said Maryland, by the way.

The disdain in your fucking voice.

I was just saying the name of the.

What's your fucking fucking hot dog from Vegas, bitch?

The Nevada hot dog?

Yeah.

LM?

What the fuck is that?

It's just a type of hot dog.

Ladies mucus.

Ladies mucus.

Yeah, it's made from yeast infection.

Fucking, that sucks.

That's how dumb women are, dude.

They can be killed by bread.

Their fucking pussy makes bread and then they die.

Can you imagine that?

You die from a yeast.

If your penis made a type of snack, you would live forever.

Did I tell you?

It's going to become a perpetual motion machine.

You're going to start a bakery.

Eldis literally got a yeast infection on his penis.

From

not showering?

I don't know, man.

He's raw dogs.

He's got thighs like a woman, so it's just like it made the same thing.

She couldn't breathe.

I got a yeast infection on my penis at mybookie.ag.

Eldis here for mybookie.ag.

Shut up.

So, yeah, man.

For existence, if you like a couple of the big favorites this week, parlays, like parlay S.K.

Stavros would do, are perfect because they let you bet multiple games together for a much bigger payout.

Yeah, it's like playing a lottery where you pick multiple numbers.

Yeah.

And then you can win more money, dude.

Yeah.

No, when I go play lottery, sometimes I just try and turn in the card with the number nine selected.

And they're like, no, you got to pick all the numbers.

I was like, bitch, I'm going to do what I ask.

I'm going to do me.

I'm going to do.

Nine is going to be.

And I'm wobbling in the liquor store and then my pants fall down.

I'm like, nobody's going to tell me who I is.

Fresh after getting the shit kicked out of you outside.

Trying to play dice.

Try to play dice in my pinstrepe suit.

I have a concussion.

I'm trying to play nine at the lottery.

I'm making the money back, baby.

I'm on my I'm putting the D to my house on nine.

You guys are cool, man.

If you're tired of watching games from the couch with nothing to gain,

I hate not gaining shit.

No, iBookie wants you to take your mind off every

game.

It would be better if you didn't endorse the website because I don't think a lot of the fans like you or your ideas.

I think I'm becoming actually very popular amongst the fans.

Actually, I think slowly but surely.

I think it would be better if only

the guys endorse it.

Only the fellas doors.

It's nothing against you, Janice.

I know so much more about Jane.

What was his name?

Yeah, but I know so much more about.

I know so much more about gambling and marketing and.ag websites.

I love.ag.

And you know what?

I could know more about sports than you very easily.

It's just I don't care to because I'm too busy thinking about how tactical the Nazis are.

I have to split my knowledge between sports and sports.

That's all right.

Again,

we don't really have to talk about this point.

I think we could just talk about the advantages of using my book.

If you join now.

I'm going to start referring to the Holy Roman Empire Empire as the Second Reich and fucking Rome as the First Reich.

No, don't.

Why?

I mean, I think it's fair.

Yeah, I mean, I don't fuck with the Romans because they did jack our shit, dude.

The First Reich.

Whatever you want to call them, that's fine.

Yeah.

Fuck them, dude.

They copied your name.

They did copy.

And they just changed the names.

What the fuck, dude?

I kind of like that, honestly.

Zeus is a better name than fucking whatever.

It's funny because people are like,

people get mad at colonialism.

They go in and they get everyone to be Christian, right?

And that's wrong.

But then, okay, well, what if they go in and they just take your religion and make change the names?

People get mad at that, too.

It's like there's no way to go in and rape and murder an entire civilization without people getting upset about it.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Why?

I agree.

Do you call the planets their Greek names?

Yeah, dude, of course.

Yannis.

Huh?

Yannis.

Yannis?

That's Saturn.

Right?

No, that's Zeus.

No, Jupiter is Zeus.

Oh, what's Saturn?

Yannis.

Saturn is...

Yanis.

No, that's not Greek.

Neptune is Poseidon.

That's right.

Pluto is a dog.

The Greeks didn't know about Pluto.

Oh, Mars was

Aries.

Whatever, who cares?

Just shooting a bunch of people.

If you want to join now, my bookie will match your deposit halfway all the way up to $1,000.

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Oh, yeah.

You need to have a more little base.

You got to have

Jack Nicholson.

Hey, it's Jack Nicholson's mom here.

Fannie Mae Nicholson here for mybookie.ag

if you're a sucking dick to put your son through high school

of public high school.

Listen, Jack, sometimes it just feels good.

I can't help but that I get to do what I love for a living.

Maybe one day you will too.

Maybe one day they'll pay you to act like a faggot and cry all the time.

Can you imagine such a job?

Maybe they'll find some way to record it for posterity.

Like a photograph, but it moves and makes noise.

That would be cool, yeah.

Well,

off to have sex with man

at mybookie.h

you heard it here first, folks.

Promo code come town.

Jack Nicholson's mother.

They changed the uh

November 6th, maybe.

Justin, the current 100% sign-up offer to a 50% sign-up bonus.

Yeah, that they said that was in the copy.

Oh, okay.

But there's a grace period extended till November 11th to allow any listeners who sign up with that time frame to still receive the 100% match.

Wow, do it by then, guys.

Do it freaking quick, mate.

Otherwise,

you're losing free money.

But you're going to win every bet, dude.

That's the biggest thing.

Especially if you listen to soft soft called Ravens Overpatience.

I did.

Well done, my friend.

I really did.

Them fucking dirty birds.

Yo, fuck Tom Brady, yo.

Tom Brady's fucking gay, yo.

You could say the guy sucks Dick Furlin.

Thank you, Jack Nicholson's mother.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yo, bring that stanky old pussy over here, yo.

I'm trying to get head from Jack Nicholson's mother, yo.

Yeah, my pussy also smokes cigarettes.

Yo, was you the fucking joker?

I love that.

I just imagine Jack Nicholson's head head on a fucking shapely woman, dude.

Can't we all just get along?

Yo,

say the M-word from the party while I fuck you.

That's my favorite part of any movie.

Yeah.

When they say the M-word.

That's the thing my son doesn't realize.

Yo, I love when

bitches say gratuitous M-words, yo.

That shit gets my fucking penis horde.

The Knights of Columbus were true Giddies, real headbusters.

And I fucked every one of them.

Back in the old days, we had the church.

I wonder if to say I

sucked off everybody

who went to church ever.

Who's ever been to church?

Where do you think Jack Nicholson was conceived?

Somewhere in the Midwest.

At a sock hop?

No, he's from the East Coast.

Yeah.

But like, what was it?

Do you think it was a bed?

Do You think she got fucked in a car?

Yeah, back when these old-timey beds were just that weird metal frame.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Crib.

Squeaks.

Brand new.

Wallpaper room.

Did it.

Yep.

Did it.

She was wearing her dress still, probably.

Keep doing that, dude.

Did it, dude?

What it is, ho.

What's up?

Kenna.

Say it.

Say it.

I'm not going to say it.

Say the word.

Say it.

Say it.

Can a brother.

A brother

get some cut.

That is the radio editor of that song.

It's hilarious.

What is that?

I know we've talked about it.

Some cut rules.

It's like, what it is, girl?

What's going on?

You look nice today.

Can a guy hold your hand pretty, please?

Yeah, can we get married and not even have sex then?

Can we go to church every day?

Didn't.

Yeah.

Some cut.

What a great song.

He's at Trillville.

Trillville.

Featuring Lil Scrappy.

That is Kareact.

What it is, so.

What's up?

Fuck.

What else we got on the freaking doquetto?

My fucking mouth hurts, bro.

I hope my fucking tooth heals up nice, dude.

When do you get the tooth?

Three months from now.

I can't wait.

Yeah.

Are you going to want to fuck?

Mm-hmm.

Adam's getting his penis put in

at the same time.

They just put it in the screen.

They put the screw in his vagina.

They had to put the screw in there that has to heal.

Yeah, it's going to take a long time because his vagina has a seven and a half inch diameter.

That's a lot.

So they have to keep caulking it in.

It's a gauge negative 17.

It's going to take a while to get it to close up.

But it's worth it, man.

His body keeps rejecting the screw.

Only a dick in here, please.

Yeah, what they did was, is they melted down some nickels and then made the screw out of that, and then it's now it's finally, it's right, yeah.

Finally, there's something about the

making sense.

Come on, it's actually the doctor's saying it's the fastest that wound has ever healed.

He's never seen anything like it.

It almost closed up around me.

I called him up and I was like, hi, I'm Adam's co-worker, and I wanted to have information on his medical stuff.

How is pussy surgery?

How good his pussy screw is healing?

I'm really not supposed to do this, but he's got a big fat vagina.

It's not healing too good.

You said you're also a doctor?

No, I didn't.

No.

Oh, okay.

Oh, well, whatever.

He's kind of annoying, honestly.

Who cares?

Yeah, I don't really like him.

That fucking sucks.

Imagine your doctor being like, oh, that guy fucking softs, dude.

That guy is such a fat.

A doctor wouldn't say that.

You know they think some guys suck that they see.

Yeah, but they wouldn't suck.

I hate being a doctor.

You got to seal up this face, pussy.

Dude, I thought it was all going to be

awesome pussy.

I thought I was going to suck clits.

Sucking all clits.

Just like what would a molested child think a gynecologist does?

I thought I was going to be sucking all all clicks and

playing fucking tic-tac-toe in my mouth with them motherfucking titties.

Why are you doing that voice, Doctor?

Which has changed a lot since the beginning of this voice.

I'm so high.

Dude,

I'm down a K-hole right now.

I'm sucking up all the gases in the operating.

I got everybody's files, and I'm calling up their boys, and I'm just ripping on them.

I got the gas going.

I'm calling up.

Look, this man, Eric, has he come in?

Because his dick doesn't get hard.

And I'm, I called up this frat

and I told everybody, your boy Eric's got a dick sucks.

Yeah, what I do is I call everybody's emergency contact.

Fuck, dude, I'm so fucked up.

I'm so fucked up off it.

What is this?

Nick Sox,

Nasox?

What is this shit?

The fuck is

Well, anyway, thanks, man.

Thanks for telling me about Adam's big pussy.

What the fuck are all these?

Like, I gotta take off, though.

What the fuck are all these canisters?

Why do we even need any of this shit, dude?

Next time I do surgery, I'm just gonna

check.

All right, well, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna be the bartender

and switch him up, dude, like James Bond would.

Nice, nice.

Yeah, yep.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yo, tell Adam.

What?

He's got cancer.

I was so fucked up.

I couldn't stop laughing.

And he was like, what?

I was like, nothing, nothing, nothing.

But maybe you can tell him because he's your boy.

Yeah, I tried, but I couldn't keep a straight face.

I was laughing too hard.

I was so fucked up off gas.

I couldn't tell him.

I couldn't tell.

Because

they get pissed if you're fucking laughing at people.

I told some bitch she had titty cancer, and I'm like, I'm sorry, I mean breast cancer.

I'm like, you gotta there I go again, calling it titty cancer.

I mean, you gotta understand.

I'm like,

I'm fucked up.

Yeah, it was a long weekend.

We got all new gas in

trying out all the gas.

All right, See ya, doc.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I had a doc.

Shout out to my old doctor who just let me get Adderall without even really needing it.

I'm about to go back to him.

He wasn't quite that guy, but he was pretty close.

He was a pusher, man.

He's a pusher, man.

I'm your mama.

I'm your daddy.

I'm that boob in the animal.

What's your go?

What's your I believe those are the ladies.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah, they are.

Are they?

Yeah, that's the weird.

I'm your daddy on that boob in the alley.

Want some coke, want some weed?

I'm your boob when in need.

I'm a boob man.

No, that's not

that one.

I'm sure.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Just move on up.

Boop, boop.

Move on

That's what Curtis Mayfield is.

I used to love Curtis Mayfield.

I guess I still do.

Yeah, he rocks.

Curtis Mayfield's great.

Suck on up.

Just suck on it.

My whole penis.

Don't be a gay boo.

Don't be gay.

Suck my whole penis.

Don't be gay about it.

Did you see the Bronx today?

There was like a, you know, the welcome to the Bronx sign.

I was getting myself with like, welcome to the Bronx.

I'm not fucking gay.

I just mean welcome, like in a casual sense.

I'm not fucking gay.

I just mean like a friend or whatever.

Listen, don't fucking look at me.

Oh, fuck, dude.

I'm going to go back to J.B.

Spumoni's or whatever the fuck it's called.

Oh, yeah.

LMB Spumoni Gardens.

You know what?

I'll say the name when I think of it.

Adam.

In Gravesone.

That's in Brooklyn, though.

It is.

That's correct.

That is crazy.

That's pretty good.

I took my cousin there when he was in town.

Welcome to the jungle.

Oh, yeah.

The owner of the store called me and told me.

No, the owner got murdered in like a mob hit.

No, the new owner.

What do you mean?

Oh, I guess they have a new one.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

My name's Lucille De Stefan Ganglio.

I'm the new owner, and I'm friends with Adam's doctor.

Yeah, I was going to ask you, did you happen to see two really gay Jewish guys come in?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

You know what?

We took a picture of them because it was so funny.

Put them on the wall.

And they're like, oh, did they eat something?

Like, did they win a challenge?

No.

In fact, I showed my doctor because I thought it was so funny.

And he was like, you're not going to fucking believe that.

That guy has the biggest pussy I've ever seen in my life.

I've been putting screws up that guy's ass

for years.

We put a hardware store's son through fucking college buying different types of screws.

Fucking

try and stuff his hole up.

Yeah, we're the reason for Home Depot's success because we had to buy so many screws

oh fuck i'm sorry you're right i shouldn't say that about your cousin it's not that he's

yeah it's that the average on average you just give it to me but that's how gay you are if you call the average of you and a regular guy is still two of the gayest guys you've ever seen star it out of this man yeah you went by name dude do they uh do they make special funnel special pills for your oh yeah for um penis.

Yeah, dude.

For what?

Yes.

Yes.

Do they make special pills for your penis?

Oh, dude, do they ever?

And I need it because I've been pretty depressed.

I haven't been really, you know, I had this tooth.

I don't have the circulation.

I haven't been getting my steps.

You got divorced.

I got divorced.

So my penis is dipping.

I was on a very nice streak of having a hard-ass dick.

Freestyle.

Free solo.

Free solo.

Yeah.

But now my dick has really seen some better.

I don't know.

Maybe maybe it's emotional.

I'm not sure exactly what it is.

The point is, though, thank God for Blue Chew.fucking calm because I pump my fucking failed cock full of meds to the point where it's nice, thick, and hard, and it's able to fuck, you know,

whoever's around.

There's nothing I love more than Blue Chew.com.

No.

It's the one type of candy that I'm allowed to have.

Why would that be the one?

It's nice that it is a candy.

It tastes great.

It does taste great.

It's got kind of a blueberry kind of vibe.

Can I bum a couple, actually?

I got to re-up soon.

I don't know where they are.

I mean, I don't know where anything in this apartment is.

I stopped taking them because I was going to, you know, I went crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because the dick was too good.

Well, it's like I fucked up and I subscribed to the one where they send you like a bunch.

Yeah.

And then I just had this like stockpile of dick pills.

And then I unsubscribed from it because it's like, well, now I have enough to have enough for the next 10 years.

Yeah, basically.

Yeah.

Yeah, because there's one option where you can sign up for like you get like 90 pills every 10 days.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

Yeah.

Yeah, because I was like, give me the max.

Sure.

Yeah.

But you only get every lifestyle.

Uh-huh.

My lifestyle.

They can fucking take pills and fucking pills.

That's my dicks, bro.

I'm too sad to fuck.

Yeah.

My body is sending me signals that I shouldn't be fucking.

I should take some time.

Anyway,

the nice thing is that if you don't consent, they don't work.

Exactly.

That's so true.

Now, the nice thing is, though, with Blue Chew, you do get to override what your body is telling you and get your dick on double hard no matter what.

So

get those fucking sad cocks pumped full of this shit.

It's basically, it's the same exact shit as Viagra or fucking Sialis.

It's Tadalum motherfucker, Tadalafil, and some other film.

Salidinophil.

Let me tell you this, though.

If you like sex, you like Bluetooth.com.

Dude, if you don't like sex, get the fuck out of here.

Beat it, you fucking.

Turn this podcast off.

Turn this podcast off.

This is for fucking films.

This is a sex-liking.

This is a guy and a gal.

Instead of a Blue Chew, put a gun in your hand.

Chew on some fucking iron.

Chew on the barrel of a fucking 45.

Maybe you can borrow one of my antique Nazi memories.

No, no.

If you don't have, you got to bring up the Nazi.

If you don't have that.

Come on, man.

I could have it.

You could, but you do not, and you should not.

Yeah.

With my Nazi swords.

No, you don't have any of those.

They have swords?

Yeah, of course.

Every army has decorative.

Militaries still carry, you still got to sign the sword.

Oh, yeah.

I guess in that few the proud the marines, he's got like a sword.

Bum, bum.

Do you know?

You remember that ad?

Well, the old one where the sword's ever made it.

No, no, no, no.

When the sword's ever made it, he flips the sword up.

I used to always try to do that, but my wrist wasn't dexterous enough.

Do you know how he holds the sword right up to his shoulder with his arm straight down?

Yeah, everyone can do that.

I can't.

No, try to do that right now.

Get a tube.

I'm doing it right now.

Use Nick's vacuum cleaner.

Try it right now.

No.

Because my dick is too hard.

Wasn't you something else that sucks?

What's that?

Got his ass.

Got him.

That wasn't.

That wasn't that good.

Excuse me?

It was all right.

It was fun.

It was great.

Hell yes, dude.

I love doing this show.

Yeah.

It's the only thing that you're doing.

This has been a very fun one.

It's been a fun one, dude.

That was good.

There were some claims made against me.

Pretending to be a doctor that's high on gas.

That was fun, man.

And then ending this and immediately going right back to Modern Warfare.

Hell yeah.

And then I'm going to go get a fucking sandwich.

Working on my car for.

Where are you getting a sandwich?

Probably right here.

No, that's gay.

I got a fucking spot, or otherwise, I would fucking get a little food.

Yeah.

We got to finish that Jean-Claude movie, dude.

The quest?

I had to go home and take my fucking pills, but I'm trying to watch that shit soon.

Yeah.

Always be ready.

That's what he says.

He beats up a bunch of guys in the beach.

He was.

Yeah, always be ready.

So, anyway, you know, you know,

hey, Papa, why don't you come here and suck my ass?

Why don't you come here and try to use my pussy like that?

Why don't you have a birthday party in my pussy?

What is this guy saying?

What?

What's the problem, old man?

Like, every John Claude movie, there's somebody that's like, What are you going to do?

Beat me up with your 5'11, 195-pound frame and 4% by

KMA.

Oh,

who's this guy?

You think you're tough just because you're already wearing kickboxing clothes?

Maybe you should mind your own business.

Yeah.

Well,

we're a gang dressed like the village people.

Sure, we're zero and 982 with weird loners who hang out at bars by themselves.

But this time, we're not going to all get sodomized with a pool stick by someone from Europe.

Oh, that makes it even better.

And you know what will allow you to beat a pussy up as if you were Jean-Claude?

Craig, let's get out of here.

Remember the other guy with the ponytail that had a speech impediment?

He's like, Yeah, that guy.

Same guys.

That guy was different.

No, it was Steven Seagal.

Yeah, Bluechew.com, though.

Yeah, Bluechew.com is for if your penis is small and doesn't work.

Bluechew.com is a new website for guys with small penises that don't work.

Honestly, it is.

If you're a fucking loser, Bluechew.com gives you the first cheerful

guys with Big Dick.

Didn't we hear from we have some big dick pals that

they use it to make?

They have reached out and they've used it also.

So any kind of dick, you can use this.

The smallest, so the small only losers are allowed.

Yeah, from Adam to Stav.

Small to big.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Small to, you know, respectable.

Shut up.

It really is just cruel that your dick doesn't get fatter also.

I know, bro.

It's fucked up.

I should get girth maybe not length I can see that it's not length length doesn't make sense of course but a little girth around the edges girth makes one million it makes so much sense it's really just even the underside there should be a part of your cock that fills up with fat it really and you know what that stems the thinner i get yes the thinner i get the fatter like i get a thicker dick when i'm absolutely when i'm real thin or when i've lost a lot of weight perspective though no no no it's my circulation is better and

even just a little bit of exercise makes my cock better Yeah, that's why I have a

thick dude.

No, you know, you don't.

Yes, I do, because I'm thin.

Do you want me to call your doctor?

Come on, dude.

Don't call me.

We got him on speed.

That guy's dude.

I didn't even hang up.

I've been here the whole time, bro.

I've been here the whole time.

I'm calling the board.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's got

a very thin, flat dick.

It looks like one of those smashed-up pennies you get on the turnpike.

Come on, man.

That would be the funniest dick to have.

Yeah, no, I was going to prescribe him Viagra, but I couldn't stop laughing at his face.

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Kumtown.

Kumitown.

Let's redo Bloodsport.

Instead of Kumite, it's Kumi Town.

Yeah.

Yeah, hey, sounds good.

Why don't you fuck my mouth?

Fucking man the mouth, part of the big guy, cowboy.

My name's Frank Dukes.

I came to this competition to get enough money to bring my father back to life.

Okay, well, registrations are right there.

I'm trying to get the win the $300.

I'm the corpse of my father.

My adopted Japanese father, I want to bring him back to life.

And the only way to do that is if I win the $300.

Say it!

Kumite.

Kumite.

Oh, fuck, dude.

What kind of sandwich?

Did you do the promo code and stuff?

Yeah, motherfucker.

Okay, sorry.

I just wanted to make sure.

Were you zoning out, bro?

No.

I was listening.

Were you zoning out, bro?

I was zoned, dude.

I was zoned.

Black hole sun.

Won't you come

inside my

black hole sun?

Fill me up.

I'm fucking gay.

Feel me up.

Fucking gay.

Feel me up.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm fucking gay.

Damn.

I've got to figure out what I'm doing for dinner.

Some kind of snack.

What are you going to get, bro?

Let's talk dinner, dude.

I don't know.

Well, I still have all that bulgogi shit

marinating in the fucking crop.

You still got a marinade in.

Well, I didn't know what to do with it.

I didn't have time to cook it.

Fuck.

I thought you were going to cook it up.

Oh, well, I had to cook some of it.

I mean, I got like fucking

I got like three pounds of beef.

Also, I did the move where you get the roast and then you take it to the butcher and then have them slice it on that fucking

thing.

Incredible respect for that move.

Yeah.

You should get one for the house.

Yeah.

No.

How much would that cost?

I would definitely get one.

Any like

industrial equipment shit, that's just got to cost like fucking $900.

That's not that bad.

On the low end.

Oh, fucking blend.

We have $1,000 blenders.

You know what you should?

You know what you should?

Whatever they are.

I don't fucking do it.

It's like one of those Hobart dough mixers.

It's like one of those stand mixers, except it's probably seven times the size.

It's like a kitchen.

Like the size of a TV.

Oh, wow.

I'm not a baker, bro, but slicing meats thin, that's my shit.

I like them extra thin.

Yeah, like you.

Would you give yourself a little sample like you're at the daily counter?

Of course, I would.

Are you out of your mind?

Is this thin enough for Moldavras?

And I would run around real quick and I would

hold it up to the light to make sure.

No, I would have a mannequin hand.

Oh, nice.

That I can hold it in that room.

I got that shit sliced real thin.

It was good as fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That soaks up all the juice.

$900 is pretty reasonable, dude.

Yeah, I got to get a new Vitamix container.

I've got the cups,

which are great.

Stays unclean.

I got to get the cups.

Don't take it, don't tell him.

Don't worry about it.

Make sure Adam does it fine.

I'm not going to let him know about it.

You just said it.

We'll be right back.

No, don't worry.

We're just talking about something else.

We'll be right back after these quick messages.

Are you gay?

Is your name Adam?

Well, you'll luck.

Not getting the Vitamix.

Not getting the Vitamix.

And we're back.

That was a good commercial.

Wasn't that a good commercial?

I love Super Bowl commercials.

I think that was in Super Bowl commercial.

That was a real commercial.

And flying over the stadium now is a man

saying, Jane, will you marry me?

Adam is gay.

Progressive insurance.

We're here at the Super Bowl, sponsored by Adam's Not Allowed to Get The Vitamix Cups.

Very funny.

America's number one company.

America's

leading employer.

How would you work at that?

How would you even get a

profitable

Buffett has moved 96% of his portfolio?

Well, he's an idiot.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

He sucks in business.

I fucking hate him, dude.

He's a fucking leader.

I hate him.

He's scum.

He's scum of the earth.

He's the worst of all of them.

Really?

The fucking worst of the ball?

I hate all of them, dude.

He gets a pass because he's like my psycho.

Because he says he's going to give his money away.

Well, that and everybody.

And he bought this.

He didn't buy a new house.

Every Midwestern fucking retard buys into that shit because he confirms something they think of themselves, which is like, we got values.

I say thank you.

And I say, please, and thank you.

And I've never sneezed.

And it's like, it's all about value investing.

Meanwhile, he's like, you know,

like investing,

increasing his position.

Yeah, trailer parks, increasing his position in Coca-Cola while they're fucking murdering him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he was doing, like, you know, I mean, I've bitched about it before, but

he bought a shit ton more like Delta stock or like a couple of people.

I thought it was Boeing, no.

No, he doesn't hold any Boeing, but he bought more airline stock right before that Boeing accident happened.

And then Warren Buffett was like, there's, you know,

a lot of good people over there working around the clock to make sure this isn't an issue.

And I don't know if you followed the coverage on it, but more and more it comes out that like Boeing just sat on this.

Yeah.

They waited until there's people that were like, we cannot, these planes are fucking gonna kill somebody, and they fucking just sat on it, of course, until there was two, two

huge fucking two is wild, yeah.

Like, let's let it after one, they're like, let's let it ride, yeah,

yeah, he can suck my hard penis, honestly.

Yeah, yeah, Ward Buffett.

I'm not saying anything, but it would be cool if maybe a Navajo

tribe

did a little something

rode through on some wild horses.

Yeah.

Hopefully, that's vague enough.

It's not a direct threat or a suggestion of anything.

No, if anything, it's pretty racist.

It could be seen as just an insult to Native Americans.

So it's the perfect cover for telling him to kill Warren Buffett.

A couple of Navajo savages on some wild horses.

Riding bareback, if you know what I mean.

They rape him also.

They cream pie him and kill him.

That would be funny, honestly.

Let's be honest.

Yeah.

From a pure comedy perspective and not a wanting it to happen perspective.

He's not the worst.

Warren Buff is getting his own.

Hey, everybody, be me here doing the can crush for Adolph Hitler.

Oh.

Does he like Hitler?

No.

He's a Trump guy, though, right?

He's a Trump guy.

That's cool.

In 2012, everyone's like, oh, BB, do a can crush for me.

I love BB.

And then in 2016, they're like, fucking Nazi retard.

You fucking racist retard.

He just likes the cult of personality.

He does.

He likes Obama.

Oh, hell yeah.

See?

He went Obama to Trump, which I think is very telling.

That's a great.

Hey, BB, this is Barack Obama asking for a can crush.

What if that happened?

That would be incredible.

People would be like, but this video proves that Obama is lit.

Swerve.

No, Obama's doing like fucking BuzzFeed videos about healthcare and shit.

Dude, that daily show Hillary Clinton thing is so fucking annoying.

It really is, man.

It is.

It's really.

It's like no one is, like, they are straight.

I'm going to get away with murdering Epstein.

Yeah.

And, like, the thing is, I bet you when we talk to, like, when we go,

if you talk to regular ass motherfuckers, they probably don't think he was murdered, dude.

They probably believe this shit.

Like, Biden is, like, winning.

You know what I mean?

Those people think.

I don't think Biden's winning anymore.

But what I'm saying is, like, even if he's not, 20% or whatever people polled think Biden should be, and you know, whatever.

Those motherfuckers don't think Epstein was killed.

You know what I'm saying?

Do you see that?

See that guy on Fox News with the

military dog guy?

That guy rocked.

It's funny what it's funny the coalition that Epstein being murdered has brought together, dude.

Just a bunch of fucking.

It's honestly, it's beautiful to see it, you know?

Us and guys with thin blue line,

stickers and shit like that.

Yeah.

They all know it.

Dude, that video was so good.

The guy with the dog.

Something.

Yeah.

Somebody did something.

I don't know.

Yeah.

That's so true.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah, I saw that.

No, I know that.

I saw that video.

Yeah, you know, yeah, no, I know, yeah.

Yeah, no, I was saying the other day about that.

Oh, stop.

You're poisoning yourself.

I had to do it for the fans.

It's been a while, dude.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's a tough one, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah, no, that's what that's why I was saying.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

No, that's a

yeah.

I want to do this bit until Adam joins and then stop.

I'm not going to.

I've played this game before.

Oh, have you?

Checkmate.

Check.

Suck.

Checkmate.

My eyes are burning.

Checkmate.

The cat is wrecking me right now.

Really?

Yeah, I think I might get rid of the cat.

What are you going to do with it?

Just throw it outside.

I don't know.

Who gives a shit?

That's a good ass point, bro.

Just toss this motherfucker out the window one day and be like, where's the cat?

Yeah, I don't know.

What cat?

What are you talking about?

It's just waiting outside.

I'm still feeding it.

It just lives outside.

Are you you kissing it?

Yeah.

Come here.

Oh, yeah.

Came right through the master.

Of course, the cat loves me.

Cats.

She withholds that easy.

I don't withhold affection.

There you go.

Grab that motherfucker.

That's how the mother grabs it.

Get back up there.

Come on.

Lay on daddy's penis.

Yeah.

Look, the cat's hugging me.

Look, it's hugging me.

Look, the cat's hugging me.

Michael, let it go.

It's hugging me back.

It's hugging me back, everyone.

Michael, please

let Mrs.

Feierstein's cat go, please.

Just

I need this job, Michael.

I shouldn't have born you.

Security guards got an elfy drag gun and fucking pointed at him.

I'm sorry, Deborah.

We really liked your resume, and we could really use a house cleaner, but your son, Michael, I mean,

in other circumstances, if he hadn't have killed our cat,

we could have made an exception, but, you know, what's he going to do next?

Is he going to be here the entire time you're cleaning?

Because so far he's made more of a mess than you think.

Driving back home.

Mom, are you mad at me?

No, Michael.

I'm not mad at you.

She just fucking of mice and men's in.

Now stay in the car.

We're going to leave it in the garage.

We're going to let it run for a while and play your favorite songs.

We're going to put on the raffi tape.

I want you to listen to Raffy.

We're just going to sit here for a while.

And just take a nice little nap for the family.

We're going to sit here and listen to Raffi.

Who's Raffi?

The wheels on the bus.

Bake the Beluga, dude.

I didn't know.

You don't remember.

Casting her down syndrome, her adult Down syndrome, son, because he ruined yet another job application by hugging a cat.

Look, mom, he's hugging me back.

Oh, fuck my cheeks.

Let me see your pussy.

Let me fuck your ass.

Let me see your pussy.

Let me see your ass.

Sucking chicken eating ass.

Having gay sex at Stonewall.

Oh,

what a day.

Oh, fuck.

All right.

Unprotected sex before raids.

That really was a golden era dude the late 1970s

leather daddy getting fucked

Neon clubs in ecstasy

My dick is small

Hey folks, I want to let you know if you're listening to this right now today

Go to the stress factory in New Brunswick and then come see me do stand-up there Wednesday the 6th, which is today I think

How about nude Bunswick?

Nude Bunswick?

Yeah, you blow your bare ass out when the cops put you over.

I thought this was nude Bunswick.

I love that.

I'm going to do that on the train.

I thought this was Nude Bunswick, brother.

Yeah, you got me going by.

Sorry, I was looking for my phone.

I was looking for my phone.

Sorry, my phone fell under the seat.

My pants done come down when I went and looked for it.

But, you know, I'll pick them back up, but I'm getting off in like non-stops.

I'll put them back up when I'm in the house.

Yeah, no, I'll pick them up, but I'm finna get off in an hour and a half.

Yeah, I'm going to be going in Philly, basically.

Yeah, I'm basically getting off in Philly.

I'm basically getting off in Philly, basically Richmond, Virginia.

So I'm just going to

just keep my pants down.

This is the next stop.

This is the story.

No, I mean, my next stop is my shit, so I mean, my pants get down.

You know, I mean, look, hey, look, my penis is in between my legs.

My legs is sitting next to each other.

Unless you're looking over my shit, you ain't seeing my fucking penis.

So if somebody wants to complain,

maybe they should stop looking at my fucking penis.

He's hard as shit the whole time.

Completely torqued.

Barely poking up.

Between the legs.

Yeah.

Yeah, you just see the curvature of the head pop over

the thigh, wink at you.

How do you know it's not my phone?

It might be my phone.

I was looking for it earlier, as I said.

Yeah, come to Nude Bunswick on Wednesday, the 6th or Lafayette, Louisiana, the 11th, the 8th.

I'm sorry.

New Orleans, the 9th.

Fuck it.

Let me speak to the air marshal then.

Show me the air marshal's.

Did he got a gun?

Can you put it in my mouth?

I'm not speaking.

Are you a police officer?

Then fuck off.

Unless you were ready to show me, I request a uniformed officer.

Unless you're ready to request a uniformed officer, I don't have to pay for these fucking pretzels either.

No, they're not fucking complicated.

Put your penis away, sir.

Please.

Yeah, I'm getting off soon.

I'm getting, my next stop's my stop, so I'll put my penis away right around that time.

He just keeps putting his hand on the girl next to him, Ty.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought it was my fucking penis.

I'm sorry.

I thought that was my penis.

My bad.

We can switch, though, if you want to put your hand on my penis.

They just drag him out fucking like that Cambodian doctor with his dick fucking hitting everyone on the knees on the way out.

Yeah.

Let me go.

This is my stop anyways.

Good.

Just let me out.

Let me go.

Let me go.

Call it square.

This is my fucking stop.

We'll call it square.

I'm good.

We're still in JFK.

We're still in JFK.

We're having a left.

He immediately pulls his cock out the second he fucking sits down.

Just audibly excessive.

Like, not even in the air, dude.

He just got his cock.

Sweatpants pulled to his ankles.

Eagles like beanie on the little snowball on top.

Respect to that, man.

Yeah, just red mutton chops.

Oh, yes.

Hell yes, babe.

That guy, yep.

Red mutton chops equals beanie with the what is that?

What is this called?

Like a palm palm.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

Yeah, palm.

Little poof.

Yeah.

Wearing some shitty flannel with a classic rock shirt underneath it.

Air Force ones.

Just filthy Air Force ones.

Ah, fuck.

All right, folks.

Well,

see me at the Stress Factory in Connecticut on the 21st, Atlanta the 23rd, Nashville the 24th, Baltimore the 29th and 30th, and then Houston on the 3rd, motherfucking teenth.

Stavi.biz slash tour.

Like I said, Lafayette, New Orleans, Stress Factory this week.

Come out to those.

And then come out to Funny Moms on the 11th, Veterans Day.

Yeah, all the money's going to

first responders, the troops, guys, the fucking guys that got hit over in Iraq.

And then on the 12th, and every Tuesday after that at 8 p.m., come to Fat Tuesdays at the stand.

We're starting back up again.

Took a little break.

We'll be in the main room.

Very good lineup for that motherfucker.

Got Sam Murill, Mark Norman,

Jess Curson, some other folks.

Come on through and come get your little fucking prick of door sucked.

Stavi.biz slash tour for all that shit.

Gay.sex for Adam's personal website and email.

And my dick is small.nick Mullen.

That's not my buddy.

Slash small penis for Nick's stuff.

Alright, I'm gonna go get a sandwich, everyone.

Maybe some kind of bowl, actually, because I can't really bite down on hard bread.

I just thought of that.

Fuck.

You can't get a bowl from the deli.

I know, I'm fucked.

Maybe I'll just have like a fucking yoga.

Yeah, maybe you should eat a penis.

What?

Are you fucking kidding me, dude?

Serious.

I'm going fucking home.

I'm going home.

Fuck y'all.

I ain't crying, by the way.

Oh, damn.

I'll just remember I got butter, uh, butter-tasty crumpets at home.

Butter scotch crumpets.

Butter scotch crumpets at home.

Oh, my God.

Never mind.

Come on, fuck y'all.

Y'all gay.

Y'all gay.

I'm going to take my little ass dick home.

Fuck y'all.

Y'all gay.

All right, everybody.

Fuck y'all.

Y'all Y'all gay.

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