Ep. 167 – Two Shootings?!?

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Ooh, ooh.

Hello, everyone.

What the fuck is up with your bitch asses?

Yeah.

To the audience, that, and then also to the motherfuckers in the room?

Uh,

nothing.

Nothing?

Just trying to stay cool.

Yeah.

You are laying in ice cubes.

It's hot out.

A kiddie pool full of ice cubes.

We can see your penis.

Yep.

It's even smaller than I remember.

Yeah.

From the last time.

Isn't it, Adam?

Maybe you've just gotten much fatter.

Maybe your eyeballs are

fatter.

No, eyes can't get fatter.

Thank you very much.

Your insatiable appetite for cock, there'd never be one big enough.

No, that's not true.

It's two different types of hunger.

Cock and food hunger.

No.

Not that I have cock hunger, to be clear.

But I've heard.

That's how you understand the subtle nuances

and the difference between the two.

No.

I've had it described to to me in beautiful language.

I'm friends with gay poets.

You're friends with gay poets.

Oh.

My only poet poetry friends are street poets.

Oh, yeah.

Rosettes are red, violets are blue.

I want to suck your cock and look your balls, too.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Yeah, I was talking about you, actually, when I said I have gay poet friends.

Yeah.

I'm a gay poet.

My name's

Lord Bot B.

I run.

Lord Bot B.I.?

Well, Lord Byron, but I know Lord Byron.

But B.I.

Abi.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

Wasn't he?

Bisexual?

Yeah, all poets are gay.

Yeah.

I feel like Lord Byron, from my understanding of the Greek Revolution of 1821, he went to Greece and got so much pussy and sucked so much good dick that he used some of his personal fortune to help us

dethrone the Turkish dogs

that had us under their domain.

That's why he got his bag from poetry.

I think he was rich.

His name's Lord, right?

No, you just get lordship if you're.

If your poems are gay enough?

If you get knighted.

No, you're a sir if you get knighted.

What?

Yes.

You're right, Adam.

You got Nick's ass.

No, Lord is like, I think it's landed gentry.

Yeah, so that's rich.

No, not necessarily.

Dude, if you had land.

It just means you own land.

You can become a duke in England now by buying a fucking one meter by one meter parcel in the UK.

Everyone's a duke.

There's websites you can go to to just get dukeship.

How much does that cost?

I want to be Duke Stavros.

500 bucks.

Dude, if that costs 500 bucks, I'm doing it today.

I want to be Duke Halkis, so fucking him.

Yeah, landed gentry.

Stavros Halkis, sucking Tits Palace.

That's what I'm going to call my fucking.

That's what I'm going to call my palace.

And I'm going to have it.

What's a good place

in England?

A good place in England?

Where there's good pussy?

You know, probably there's good pussy.

Not Manchester, right?

Aren't they all like fucking steel workers?

Manchester's tight, dude.

Don't they all have like dusty pussies?

They all do acid and rave.

Really?

I don't want that.

That's not my scene.

Is Wales in England?

I want Catherine Zeta Jones pussy.

I don't think lives there anymore.

Yeah, but there's got to be girls that look like her.

That you're like, whoa, you're Welsh, but you look like you're fucking from the woman.

I think most women in Wales look like sheep.

They look fat and red.

Yeah, there's got to be a way.

You can have like you can become a priest and it's just

online.

I'm pretty sure you could just buy

a chance.

I mean, if that's not already a business,

I would just be doing that.

I would buy up a bunch of land in England and becoming a dude.

But do you have to get some

royal recognition?

What you do is you buy weight.

You know, you get like a quop of.

Yes, and then you flip it.

Then you flip it.

You flip the crop.

Yeah.

Great squap of land.

Yeah,

we setting players up as dukes.

I got a co-op of some Britain.

And we're slicing that shit up, cutting it up, bringing it to the hood, man.

We might not have aspirations here, but in England, I'm a duke.

That's right.

That would be awesome, dude.

Get your Idris Elba on.

We should do that, man.

Start a charity where we get at-risk youth, we make them Dukes and Duchesses.

And then what happens?

Then we teach them how to rap like Skepta.

Oh, man.

That's a great idea.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Damn, I can't freestyle, let alone freestyle like me.

Me got the gun.

Yeah, here we go.

Become the Duke or Duchess.

You found it.

I am.

$734.

Get the fuck out of here.

On Sealand, which I guess is an island.

So it's the Principality of Sealand.

Oh, dude, get Mermaid Pussy?

Principality of...

I'm going to start Atlantis from my fucking dukeship in Sealand.

It's a micro-nation off

the coast of Sealand.

Well, not for me.

This looks like it's

off Norway or some shit.

Norway?

Yeah.

But the Principality of Sealand, commonly known as Sealand, is a micro-nation that claims Ruff's Tower.

Oh, it's its own nation.

So I'd be the Duke of Sealand.

It was built as an anti-aircraft gun platform by the British during World War II.

Oh, that's cool.

So I can fuck, if any terrorists are up to no good, I got the strap.

Off the coast of Norway.

Someone calls me.

Yeah.

If Trump's like, yo, they got Arabs or whoever.

Not necessarily Arabs, but.

So the claim that Sealand is an independent sovereign state is based on an interpretation of a 1968 decision in English court, which was held that Rough's Tower was in international waters, thus outside the jurisdiction of domestic courts.

So it became an independent nation because it was just like some rock where they kept a gun.

And then after the war, they're like, I guess we don't really own this, so it's like it's your own country, and for $730, you can become a Duke of Sealand.

Dude, I'm in.

And then people have to call you Your Grace.

Oh, my God.

Do they have to do that anywhere you go or just in Sealand?

I want to be at the UN.

Yeah, no, Sealand ambassador.

You can go to the UN.

I mean, they gave you this certificate.

Oh, dude.

How big is Sealand?

Well, it's the size of a gun.

What kind of gun?

A desert eagle?

Yeah, I would imagine.

Just a big hand.

It's a pretty big gun.

Just mean.

How to become a Duke or Duchess.

If you think you deserve our highest-ranking title in Sealand or searching for an extremely unique gift for someone special, gift?

The Duke or Duchess title is perfect.

Exclusive gift.

Ordering your title pack is quick and simple.

Anyone could set up this website.

Yeah, that's true.

This is like

some guy that's got like a Kinko's.

Oh, man.

I'm looking at a picture of Sealand right now.

It's hilarious.

How big is it?

Look at it.

Oh, my God.

It's just a little port.

That fuck that, dude.

It's a.

I want to build a little fucking castle.

If I'm going to be a duke, I want to have a little castle.

I want to get my dick sucked by milkmaidens and shit.

It's basically.

as is my right

i'm instead i'm reinstituting prima nocta on my on my plot of land

damn dude now i'm now i'm getting excited duke is a noble who resides over a duchy and holds

his holds the highest hereditary title

i'll tell you that much uh

who was that like red head red haired kind of chubby bitch that was a that was famous for being okay well here's here's for the uk okay so first you choose between seated or non-seated officers.

Sarah Ferguson.

Then you purchase your new presumed title from us.

We'll seamlessly handle all the legalities in return.

You'll receive a beautifully presented document pack along with all the details you need to start using and enjoying your new title immediately.

Do you get land?

Hi, thanks very much.

My mother loved her new Duchess title.

What?

Can you imagine how much of a bitch mom is?

Just your fucking

like, and now you'll call me Duchess.

I want one for my dog, too.

This is one of those of those dumb bitches that watches the royal wedding.

Like, wakes up at 4 a.m.

Is it cheaper if you just want to be a duchy?

Non-seated single title is $237 US.

But that's not real.

I want land, bro.

I want to fucking spit in my serfs' faces if they don't bring me enough radishes.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, let me see how much the seated titles are.

Yeah.

Seated means I get land, right?

I have no idea.

I guess it means you get a seated British Parliament?

Yes, dude.

That would be awesome.

I'm going to be in there.

I'm going to be like, yo, fucking vote for the boy, dude.

Vote for my boy Jizza, dude.

Okay, so I want to be an Earl.

So let me look up how much it costs to be an Earl.

Earl's for bitches, dude.

Duke is worth it.

Is Earl above Duke?

If it is, that's bullshit.

Earl is above Duke.

Earl is...

Okay, it's just a bad thing.

You know, two guys named Earl, one guy's named Duke.

Duke is going to be cooler.

Duke is a black guy with a camera show.

I'm going to have a show called My Title is Earl.

And I go around demanding to speak to the manager.

Whenever you get fish and chips.

Earl titles, non-seated.

They're also $237.

Oh, that's not bad.

Yeah.

Fuck that, dude.

Being an Earl is fucking stupid.

You want to be a Duke.

Duke sounds.

Again, what's a female Earl?

An Earless?

Arless?

Yes.

Is it an Arless?

Yes, that's that show.

They treated...

Okay, a single-seated title is $1,210.

That's not bad.

These titles come with land, so instead of just being Lord Smith, you'd be Lord Smith of Westminster.

Oh, yes,

yeah, fuck yes.

So I'm gonna be Lord Stavros of Westminster and then go to Westminster, Maryland.

Can I be Darth Vader?

I want to be a Darth Vader.

I want my shit to say Darth.

How much does it cost to be a Sith Lord?

Fucking stupid country.

Dude, if you get land, that's awesome.

But it's probably like such a little parcel.

Sucks.

But yeah, it's land on sealand, right?

It's not.

No, man, that's England.

Aren't you paying attention?

Oh, no.

I thought we were still talking about Sealand.

Oh, fuck Sealand.

Sealand can suck my hard-ass dick, actually.

Unless I get the whole country to myself.

Oh, this is awesome.

Can I add the title to my documents?

Yes, you can change your driver's license, passport, credit cards, and bank accounts to show you a a new effective title.

Oh, yes, dude.

I'm going to have to do it all in one fell swoop then.

I'm going to be Duke Stavros Vel Halkius.

I'm going to make all the changes in one swoop.

Yeah.

Do you sell the title of Laird?

No, we do not.

For the simple reason that Laird itself is not a title, but rather a descriptive word that simply means landlord.

Oh.

There's people that come here.

This is in the frequently asked question.

People are like, how can I be a Laird?

I've never even heard of Laird, and that shit definitely.

That's worse than Earl for sure.

Laird just means landowner.

I'm a Laird of Baltimore, dude.

Laird Stavros of fucking Greektown.

You ready, are that shit?

That's true.

Of Greektown.

Laird Stavros of fucking.

I almost said the street.

It sounds kind of British.

Suck my fucking dick, I am gay.

I have a list.

Now I'm looking at a list of tiny countries.

Adams Penisville.

Republic of Montana.

Adams Penis

Vania.

Adams Little Ass Dick.

Dick Dickitania.

Why don't you talk to him?

Nick's Balls.

Okay.

Okay.

Nick's Balls.

Nick's Ballsistan.

Were all those are the ones that I've said?

The opposite of Stob's Dick Sha?

Everyone knows you have a child's penis.

That's not a child.

It's not a child's pen.

I mean, a big child.

Well, it's a child.

A large child's penis.

Yeah, with a medically tight foreskin.

Yeah, exactly.

My foreskin is that of a child's.

My penis is that of a man's.

Right.

Yeah.

So it's kind of tough in that regard.

Oh, fuck.

It's $1,800 to be a lord of the manor.

$18?

It's going up?

Yeah, I'm going to be lord of Darth fuck.

And I'm putting in boats.

And if you don't do it,

I'm calling the queen.

Dude, $18 for...

do you get land?

You get like, well, you get like it's like a foot, a square foot of land.

Yeah, well, I can fucking build on that, dude.

And then declare war on the other motherfucker.

What would you put on it?

Like a big totem pole or something?

You would build a giant golf tee and then you put a house on top.

Exactly.

Oh, okay.

A huge platform.

A giant platform that goes down and then it goes down eight miles into the ground for structural integrity.

Because you have air rights and mining rights.

Yes, I would need mining rights.

English law was invented before.

It was written before flight.

So there's no such thing as air rights in English law.

So if you can structurally find a way to take a one-foot by one-foot piece of land and build on top of that and cover the entirety of England.

Oh,

Sky England is my.

That's my fucking country, dude.

I'm the lord of Sky England.

That's actually what the movie Sky Commander in the World of Tomorrow is.

Yeah.

Sky Captain.

Yeah.

Sky Master and Commander of Tomorrow,

starring Russell Crowe and Angelina Jolie.

Yep.

Absolutely correct.

Yeah.

But Angelina Jolie from Gia, where her tits are out.

Yeah, I used to jack off the

lesbians.

From Girl Interfucked.

Oh, okay.

We've all heard of Girl Interrupted.

How about Girl Interfucked?

Yeah,

she's crazy pushes.

She's got, yeah.

Imagine how great it would be to drag your dick through that mental hospital.

Just spend a week going on a tour of the medicine game.

That's right.

The broken toys.

How about a movie called One Fucked All of the Cuckoo's Nest?

And it's a mental institution for women.

That's awesome.

And then Jack Nicholson's like, These pussies are the tightest, craziest pussy I've ever seen.

Yeah, astrology's real.

Just put my dick in your ass, Chief.

Just put my dick in your ass.

It's a Native American woman.

Jesus, what do we got?

Elizabeth Warren over here.

You talk, Elizabeth.

They got real.

Where's your famous talking?

You always love doing, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Warren in the mental institution after Trump debates her once.

And then she's committed.

Oh, you think he'd own her that hard?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

I tell you, what I'd really love to happen to Pocahontas here is a little John Smith action.

You know, I don't know.

That's what they say.

They say she fucked all of the explorers.

I loved all those articles about Elizabeth Warren that were like, stop fucking saying she knows too much about politics.

Who's saying that?

No one.

Literally, no one.

That was like a dumb take for a while.

It's like, of course, men are criticizing her for being too qualified.

It's like,

no one's saying that.

She's got good ass policy.

Somebody

there was a neutral commentary that she was wonkish.

Yeah, which she is.

Well, a couple.

She's an expert.

Like a month ago, Bernie was like, yeah, I get it.

People want a woman to be the president.

And then the headline was like, Bernie Sanders says people only support Elizabeth Warren because of her pussy.

I know, dude.

They really fuck with my man Bernard.

They really try and

take my man's name out of their head.

Well, the good news is that Donald Trump will win the election no matter what.

None of these people will win.

He will be president again.

And there's nothing you can do to stop it.

I think you probably

might not be, but he probably will.

No, he's going to be president.

I mean, that's my.

Maybe Beato's bitch ass can drop out now and say, because of the gun violence.

He cussed because of the gun violence.

He could be like, I got to be back in the Senate.

Just use it as use it, baby.

Well, he's not in the Senate.

He lost.

Right.

I mean, he's going to run against him.

That would be awesome if he just was like, I'm a bitch.

I got my dick sucked handily by Pete Buttigedge.

He became the like boring-ass white guy.

He really rocked when Beto was like, Yeah, me and my wife both are descendants of slave owners.

I want to get Andrew Yang on the podcast.

We probably on our podcast?

Yeah.

I think it's possible.

He's Rogan.

Yeah, yeah.

And we're like, we're just as big.

Yeah, we have basically the same.

Maybe a little bit bigger.

We're bigger than Rogan, yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

But we're more Yang's audience.

Are we?

Oh, yeah.

Alt-right guys.

We could get the Yang gang.

I bet you 95% of the people that listen to this podcast.

Is it alt-right guys?

I thought it's.

I don't fully dislike him.

Everybody hates him just because, like,

a lot of his

universal UBI shit is like, it seems like it's just a way to gut entitlement programs.

And then I guess he's.

Oh, would there be no entitlement programs under UBI?

He said some things, and

he leans more in that direction when he was he did like Rubin report and then on Rogan he kind of said a couple of things that were like

you know if you give people the option of like uh a thousand dollars or or you know uh you know your food stamps obviously they're going to choose a thousand dollars so he wants to do it on some nixon shit of just give them money don't do like you know

have programs yeah and he's like honestly it's better for the economy and it's like yeah because people will spend like additional income but like you want to make sure that they have food and health care.

Yeah.

It's also like, I don't even understand.

Does he support universal health care?

I don't know if it's clear.

Yeah.

I don't even know how the fuck you value that because he's talking about if you already get like a thousand dollars worth or five hundred dollars a month in benefits, but I don't know how you like value

health care.

I don't know.

I don't know specifically.

Honestly, I stopped.

How many Zans do you get a month under that plan?

For a thousand bucks?

Street value?

No.

From the pharmacy.

That's how you value it.

How much Adderall and Xanis you can get?

The only two reasons to use healthcare,

uppers and downers.

Yeah.

We streamline it.

Some of you remember when Adderall

put me down.

Exactly.

The sorority diet.

That's right.

It's also dumb because everyone gets the money.

So it's like...

Even rich people.

Well, yeah, if you're an upper-middle-class person, you get the $1,000.

And it's like, those people will be able to spend the money.

They probably won't.

They'll probably just put it in a savings.

Yeah, they'll put it in, yeah,

yeah.

I mean, and then, like, well, that people make that argument about health care.

It's like, why should rich people get free health care?

And it's like, which is so sweet.

If you want to have something that's that's completely different.

I mean, it's not extra money, it's health care.

Right.

It's like you wouldn't make that argument about, like, well, why do rich people get the fire department?

Well, he, his

UBI, put extra money that can be used in many different ways when it gets put back into the economy.

But it's still an entitlement program, a UBI, no?

Yeah, but but it's the difference in how the money functions.

What about universal basic inches?

If you give somebody doesn't need it an additional $12,000 a month and like that immediately goes or $12,000 a year and that like immediately just goes into like interest-bearing savings account.

I mean it's like free money.

So why not put it in like high-risk investments or you know, it's just like extra money whereas poor people immediately have to spend that money on like yeah going to getting shoes and whatever those well, not even shoes.

It's like if it is like gutting those programs, food and like the colours.

Then it goes on those essentials or into those essentials or whatever, and it's effectively like nullified any benefits they get.

Meanwhile, people that like do already have wealth are able to turn that $12,000 into even more money for themselves in a way that doesn't benefit the economy.

Right.

I mean, marginally by like, you know, investing in companies or whatever, and it helps their growth, but not in the same way that like, you know, if you give poor people $1,000 on top of, like, like the Bush stimulus,

where it was just an additional check rather than less withholding, that money went back into the economy, but it's not like at the expense of like, hey, if you want this $600 check, you lose your food stamps.

You know, you still have all the basic needs met.

And then if you have additional disposable income or whatever,

then you can spend that on

just

a TV or whatever the fuck you want on top of that.

And that is good for the economy.

Yeah.

Universal bitch insurance.

And if you're not getting pussy,

you can file a claim to hire a prostitute.

And they have to pay for it.

No, well, yes,

you have a deductible.

You have a deductible, but you would reach it pretty quickly.

Yeah.

Because you're constantly trying to get pussy.

What do you guys think about that?

It's not a bad idea.

Thank you.

But I don't know.

I mean, I feel like people hate Andrew Yang, and I don't get why.

Yeah, I couldn't believe that.

Yang Yang stuff has died down.

I was shocked he was like in the debates.

I guess they're letting everyone in the debates, but he's actually polling better than all those random fucking shitty, like that dickhead that looks like

beans from even Stevens.

Who's the bald guy?

Oh, John Delaney.

Yeah, isn't he from Maryland?

Yeah, that's how much of a loser he is.

And I don't know who the fuck that guy is.

And I was sort of, when I was younger, kind of into politics.

I even was like in the Maryland.

He's still a hella rich.

Oh, is he?

Yeah.

I think he's

on Amazon.

Yeah.

He must be from Howard County or some bullshit.

Yang pulls like the same.

Like, he's up by Jillabrand and shit.

He's got.

He's at what, like, 2% or something?

Yeah, 102%.

Yeah.

Who's that other guy with like the gray hair that I've also, that Bernie said that put his nuts in his mouth?

Where's like a wrote the bill or whatever?

Who's that guy?

Oh, yeah.

They're all like the same.

Who the fuck are they?

Tim Ryan.

Why are they still in the?

Tim Ryan looks like a serial killer.

He's got like the BTK killer's eyes.

Michael Bennett, who just sounds like fucking Cameron doing an impression of Sloan's father in Ferris Viewers Day off.

My daughter will be outside at 3 p.m.

Michael Bennett.

What's the principal's name?

Listen, Jeffrey Jones, famous pedophile, Jeffrey Jones.

Oh, I just watched the Deadwood movie.

They brought him back, but they didn't give him any dialogue.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's hilarious.

You can see him in the background.

He's a convicted pedophile.

Yeah, he's a convicted pedophile.

He was making his own child porn.

Oh, man, yeah.

But Ferris

will be in school at 10 a.m.

That movie is so much funnier when you know that Jeffrey Jones is a pedophile that took eyes on you.

Oh, it makes it even better.

It was like,

I'm going to get my hands on him.

Wait a second.

Was he in other shit?

Is he that famous guy?

He's a redhead guy.

He was the principal in Ferris Bueller's.

That guy?

Yeah, he was in Deadwood.

Oh, the guy that got fat and shit and had a little mustache and bald and shit.

I guess he was fat.

Oh,

he played the newspaper guy in Deadwood.

Yeah, that's the guy I'm thinking of.

Oh, that sucks, dude.

But David Milch has enough respect for his product to bring him back for the movie.

You couldn't find another fat guy that looks like it.

It's so funny to have the pedophile back but not give him any lines.

Yeah.

Or he says like one-off things, but he doesn't have any dialogue.

Oh, my God.

That's, yeah, that is definitely, that definitely heightens the movie where he's chasing a high school boy.

Oh, yeah, fair school.

Yeah.

Damn.

And again, not that it's good to, you know, that's a tough pedophile, though, too.

Wait, hold on.

Can I be the lord of Come Town?

Is there a Come Town?

Can you select what you're a Lord of?

The land.

That doesn't sound right.

If so, I'm Estavros, Lord of Pussy Shire.

Yeah.

What do you guys think of Pussy Shire?

Well, I can buy it for you before you get a chance to, and then it's already your title.

Do not buy Lord of Pussy Shire.

No, I mean, I can title you as Lord of Small Dick.

No, no, no, you can't.

Yes, I can.

No, I will reject it legally.

You don't even know where the word is left to lead to.

I will reject it legally.

I will see you in the fucking Queen's Court.

You can't reject it.

I will duel.

We'll fucking duel over it, dude.

I've already done it.

It's done, Stav.

I'm sorry.

I'm not the Lord of Small Dick.

Moses.

There's nothing we could do to stop him.

Stop Rose.

Do not do that.

Halcius.

I'm not.

No.

Small dick.

Do not spend $700 to make me the Lord of Dick Moses.

$1,800.

It's $1,800?

It's nothing.

Nothing.

That's so good.

Enter their address $39.

What's your address?

I don't know.

I don't have an address.

I think I have it in my phone.

No, Adam.

It's $200.

um

no choose your title lord no lord stop lord of stop

doing this

i don't want to be the lord of small dickville man no it'd be funny dude no i want to be the lord of pussy shire no if you had like uh you know letterhead and stuff that said so

that's not i want to be the lord of lord of small dickville

the reason we make the money we do is to buy to do things like this We need to make a coat of arms, too.

I'm not making a coat of arms.

Well, we'll make you a fancy.

Officially knighting you as the Lord of Small Dickville.

Nick's gotten really funny.

Not Small Dickville.

At least make it something that sounds British.

It's going to be funnier.

Small Dickington or something.

If it's not even, you don't even get the benefit of it being funny.

Come on, man.

It doesn't even get to be funny.

It's British sounding.

I guess there's just a place called Small Dickville where Stav is the Lord.

Goddamn.

Choose your title.

Lord of the Manor.

Full name, Stav race hockey.

His play Small Dickville.

Never been given a real update.

A real act of generosity.

Check out.

Damn, I'm really about to spend $1,800 on this.

Please do not do that.

Just do the $200 one.

Just legally.

Just

do the $200 one and give $1,600 to Cherry or something, man.

You can still make me legally the lords of Small dick can't you have to buy a ceded title to have the name do it in sea ville or whatever the fuck sea land

yeah you you only pretending to care about the charity so that you don't become the lord of small dick no man your official title as recognized by the king of england

that's fine because i love the queen so fuck that yeah

I would love I'm gonna do that later.

I'm gonna start doing that to all my enemies.

What's up?

Making them the lords of things?

Going bankrupt.

Making your enemies the lords of Come Fast Town.

I've turned them all into British nobility.

The ultimate revenge.

Of gay name places.

I like signing my enemies up for email lists.

Oh, yeah?

Like what?

Like, you know, if you're at Chili's and they have an iPad on the table,

you just sign them up for the Chili's to go email.

I always use Eldis.

That's such a sick prank.

That's what I do.

That's so sick.

It was awesome at first when you first realized you could sign up people for like gaysex.com.

Yeah, of course.

Damn.

It's great.

You can get somebody else's birth certificate and social security card like pretty easily.

They don't like the fucking government barely checks to

really?

Yeah.

When you get a replacement social security card on the website, there's a couple states they don't let you do it in, but they're like, are you sure you need this?

Most of the time you don't need to present presented knowing your social security card is more important or whatever.

And it's like, I think they tell you that because, like, I mean, you do need some information.

You know, you need like

an address.

You need their social security number.

And then like maybe a mother's maiden name.

There's a little bit more information you need for the birth certificate.

But if you can get that information from somebody, which is not hard to like fish out from them.

Totally.

You know.

Methodically over some time.

Not even time, dude.

I mean, it's not hard to get people's fucking like information.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Especially, you know, the angle you do is you just pretend to be like into astrology and shit like that.

Oh, true.

You like do your star charts.

You're like, okay, well, where's your mom born?

Yeah.

That kind of stuff.

Where were you born?

What time?

Yeah.

What's your social security number?

Yeah, you can get all of their shit, you know, and then like that's there's no, like to get the birth certificate and the social security number, you don't really need to do much verification on the internet past having that information.

It's not like you need to go in or show yourself

the hospital was.

You don't need to, yes, you do need to know the hospital, but like you can can get that.

Like, again, you can.

You can do some digging.

You can get that information.

I don't know what hot.

Do you know what hospital you were born at?

Yes, I do.

You know the name?

Yes.

St.

John's.

No, Adam, don't tell people.

This is what I mean.

This is what I mean by it's very easy to get this information.

Damn it.

This is how fucking stupid people are.

Eat that motherfucker.

I cannot believe that shit worked.

God damn it.

Nah, dude, you get the fucking birth certificate, the social security card, then you go get, then you, then you all, all you have to do is go get a fucking, like, passport photo.

Well, you need to know their social security number.

You can get that information.

That's pretty easy now.

I know your social security number.

I know you're a social security number.

People who work together.

Yeah, but there's always, you know, that's fraud.

We would take you to the cleaners, pal.

Yeah, would you?

Yeah.

Yeah, too late when I'm on fucking little St.

James Island relaxing with my fucking crew of apes.

I've turned it into an ape island now.

Jeffrey Epstein's Island has been taken over by an irony pedophile

and his band of chimps.

The temple has been replaced with a pizza restaurant called Child Porn Pizza.

And inside.

All the waiters are naked little boys.

Inside is an 18-monitor gaming rig setup.

It's just, I like the aesthetics of being an elite pedophile.

But I don't actually.

I just want to walk the walk.

I just want to talk the talk.

I don't want to walk.

You're post-sex pedophile.

Yeah.

He just likes the aesthetic of being rich, you know?

Being rich.

It's like that song A-Rab Money, but it's Pedophile Money.

I'm on Epstein's Island.

We got boys for days.

I got that pedophile money.

We got Prince Andrew and Clinton in the back room, Dirk getting head from a child and an infant.

She says she's only 13.

Call me Jeffrey Epstein.

Dude, I love it.

Oh, my bitch is 13.

Call me Jeffrey Epstein.

Anyways, if you guys like wearing underwear.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah, do you?

Adam, one, you tell me what kind of underwear you wear.

I only wear one kind of underwear.

Girls' underwear from

the water.

I wear a guy's underwear.

You'll love Mac underwear.

Yo, sorry.

Never mind.

You'll love Blue Chew.

You love wearing Blue Chew.

You'll love wearing Blue Chew.

Do you like a hard-ass dick in your underwear?

Do you love wearing Blue Chew pills in your mouth?

I love underwear.

Look, Adam wears girl underwear, and that's how he gets hard.

But for the rest of us, we need pills.

We need pills.

We need pills.

Because we're either unhealthy or closeted homosexuals or both.

Yeah.

Adam puts on his mom's clothes.

Yeah.

Yep.

Or any old woman.

Her clothes, just her scent.

Her perfume.

You wear Chanel number, whatever the fuck?

Number nine.

Number 69.

Number 69.

Yeah, if you motherfuckers have a problem getting hard, like we do, with our fucked up little dicks.

With your dick is fucked up.

If you like sex, you'll love bluechew.com.

I remember...

Personally, I use it for beating off.

I use it for beating off for having sex for my cock looking big in my jeans.

I get it hard and just tape it to my leg.

Yeah, I like to ride the train hard.

No,

I like to wear

those very thin pants.

Could you get in trouble for indecent exposure if you just have a massive boner inside your pants?

If you have sneak-through pants.

No, you can.

If you're wearing basketball shorts and you're walking around with your dick hard, you'll get arrested.

Really?

That's fine.

What if it's not your fault?

It doesn't matter.

We've criminalized men's bodies.

That's so true.

That's the thing.

Women are like.

Can you think of one law that regulates men's bodies in the way women's are?

It's like, yeah, try to walk around hard in basketball shorts.

See what happens to you.

See what happens to you, you fucking beast.

See what happens to you, you dumb.

I'm trying to just go to Chuck E.

Cheese,

rock solid.

Wear my hand one shorts.

And beat children at Dance Dance Revolution.

With my dick on hard.

My dick on turbo hard thanks to Blue Chew.

My War Shock mask.

My dick on hard thanks to Blue Chew.

I'm like, you're stuck in here with me.

Sir,

please, you can be here and you can be hard, but you can't threaten the children.

You can't threaten the children while hard playing Dance, Dance, Revolution.

And then I look at the camera and I go, Blue Chew.com.

Yeah, and it's Rorschach and his dick gets hard, and then the bad guy from Watchmen is like, what the fuck?

And then Rorsark's face turns into the Punisher logo.

Oh, cool.

If you dig in my heart,

copyrighted.

Oh.

Is it?

By who?

The troops.

Getting hard with the Punisher mask.

By the police and the troops.

Is the Punisher a decent person?

I fucking pull people over for a living.

That's why I believe in the Punisher.

Because

every time I pull someone over, I know it's a life and death situation.

Oh, yeah.

There's a guy with a taillight out, and I know.

I'm going to kill you.

I remember my posture,

my hands on my hips lessons from

cop school, where they teach me hands on your hips and zip your lips, and that's how you let people know you're a tough guy.

I took body language lessons at my

police academy.

Learned how to posture myself.

Sir, I'm trying to ascertain,

anyways.

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doctors who are the top of their class

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These are army doctors.

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It's guys who went over to Iraq and then they got their dicks punished off

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They're like, I was in the military and now I'm dedicated to building my upper body strength, becoming a jacked wheelchair guy that prescribes dick pills.

Punisher stomach.

I don't know why the Bluetooth thing keeps coming back to the punisher.

I don't know.

I like that mashup.

I love it, dude.

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Can you recommend any Thomas the Tank Engine themed sexual imagery to facilitate?

Because

I thought the blue is a reference to Thomas the Tank Engine.

Which you should.

Yeah.

It's an actual picture.

Yeah,

what if you're like a blood and you got to take the pills?

Oh, I love that.

Yeah.

I miss him.

Yeah, he has to be back on.

I told him if he can get Bam back on,

he's like, I'm working on it.

Bam's going off on Instagram right now.

Yeah.

I already told you, Nikki, you're a slight.

It's just like a nine-paragraph thing about like, you said you were going to be a bitch and then you were a bitch.

You did a bitch to me.

Bluechew.com are affiliated, yeah.

I know.

Knowing person for everyone in that situation.

Oh, yeah, that child.

Oh, yeah.

He had one where he's like, go ahead, take him.

I don't care.

47,000 likes,

89,000 comments.

Yeah, you tell that bitch.

Go ahead, take him.

You're just using him to hurt me.

You're fucking a legend, man.

You're a legend.

More time to get fucked up, man.

Yeah, well, it's always the same guys.

It's like, you know, a guy in a fucking like, like trans world skateboarding trucker hat being like the rest of the crew's cleaned up and the party's over man and you gotta grow up it's time to grow up it's like it's not gonna happen yeah he's fucking he's the howard hughes of skateboarding that's right

he pisses and jars he's worth 50 million dollars he's just is he oh he's got loads of money that's awesome he's it they talk about like oh the rest of the guys they got their shit together it's like well bam's the one that's a fucking like business like he's yeah sponsored by everybody.

He's branded all this shit.

The reason he's like that, he's constantly making money.

Why'd he go on that tour then?

Just for fun?

More money.

Smart move.

Why not?

He probably got some huge guarantee from like Vinny and shit.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm sure he got that money.

Well, I'm sure he did from Vinny.

Like, I don't know.

Well, I'm sure that your dick will stay hard.

No, if you use Blue Check.

Yeah, if you use Blue Chew.com.

No in-person doctor visit, no online something.

It's all online.

Yeah, man.

Blue Chew.

Whatever, dude.

It's fucking dick.

Your dick gets hard.

And there's a doctor

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The code is Blue Chew.

No, that's the product.

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Or you if you're just hard by yourself.

And by partner, I guess they mean another guy.

Women can't take it.

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If a woman takes this pill,

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I envy homosexuals who get to both use Blue Chew.

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That's right.

Let's start the show.

Let's start the fucking show.

Let's have sex.

Let's have gay sex.

Oh, also, please come see me in Boston next weekend, you motherfuckers.

I'm gay, I'm gay.

Thank you to everyone who came to fucking Rochester.

Shouts out to my boy Todd.

I'm in Boston on the 16th and 17th.

I'm in Oakland on the 24th and Seattle the 29th and the 30th.

And I'm gay in Indianapolis on the 28th.

And I think Philly the weekend before.

I might do a little house show to warm up after coming back from Greece.

I'm gay, I'm gay.

Get your tickets to see Starbros.

Go to stavi.biz slash tools.

I am fucking gay.

I also have it on Instagram and Twitter.

I'm gay.

My dick is fucking small.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

Love you, Bono.

Yeah, Bono.

Bono, we love you.

We love you, Bono.

We're the Beatles, and we love you.

I'm going.

We're the girls.

I'm going.

I'm John Lennon.

And I'm gay.

I love Japanese pussy.

Yeah, he actually,

John Hinckley Jr.

said that he shot, it's David Mark Chapman, but he shot John Lennon because he said he was gayer than Jesus.

We're gayer than Jesus.

The Beatles are gayer than Jesus.

We get more coke than Jesus.

You know Jesus was sucking off all the apostles, dude.

You know he sexed everyone into the crew.

That's so funny that he wrote that.

Just like no one around him was like, yeah, you can't call the song women or

call the song what?

You know that john.

Oh women are the something of a boy.

Like no one stopped him.

What if fucking imagine

what if Chapman was like I mean come on

SJW Jesus look through the Bible find me where Jesus is dropping N box

Jesus is you could say the N-word so free in the seventies dude

that's the thing I'm blacker than Jesus yeah it was funny when I would watch network television.

It would be like, you know, Sanford and Sun or whatever when I was a kid.

You would watch movies, and a guy would be like, you know, like he was saying, damn it.

He's bleep out ass.

Dish,

dish, dish rag.

Yeah, yeah.

Suck my dial up.

And then it's like, look, there's the boo.

I mean, they would say it.

They would say it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Which, you know, that's when the word was good.

The word was really good.

They used to think it was good.

Now we think it's bad.

Well, it's historically important.

It's historically.

It was.

Yeah.

It belongs in the library.

That's right.

It's heritage, not hate.

I'm doing a version of Tom Sawyer where it's every other word is taken out but the N-words.

The Rush song?

So it's just,

no, no.

Weren't the people mad with the Tom Sawyer redacted and it's just the N-words.

Just blackout.

Just like blackout marker over everything.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yeah, they replaced it with cousin.

Cousin Jim.

Cousin Jim.

Good to see you, cousin Jim.

Like, wait, this guy's cousins with

why is everybody calling him a cousin?

Yeah.

They replace it with brother money.

Oh, fuck.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm fucking gay.

I'm fucking gay.

One thing Bono did that was good: the red phones.

I had that red razor, dude.

Adam, are you going to go see

Fiddler on the Roof on Ice?

Is it coming to New York?

They have a Fiddler on the Roof that's in Yiddish.

And Fiddler on Ice?

Fiddler on Ice.

I would love to see the Fiddler on Ice.

Yep.

Yeah.

What a

one that's all in Yiddish.

If I was a rich man,

yeah.

That's one of my favorite songs.

What's that movie?

If I was a bitch man,

if I got the bitches, if I was a bitch man

and I got bitches that suck my fucking little dick if I had breast implants.

Oh, it's a trans guy wanting to be trans.

I thought it's about a guy getting bitches on the roof.

Oh,

that's where he gets.

If I was a bitch man, yeah, well, he fucks on the roof.

Yeah, diddler on the roof.

Diddler on the roof?

That's a pedophile.

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fucking yeah, brother.

brother.

If I had a penis.

I guess a Dayton shooter retweeted me.

Damn it.

Yep, so it's your fault.

Yeah.

Well, he was.

Finding out the Dayton shooter retweeted and followed me, kind of rough.

But finding out he was a leftist kind of makes it okay.

Was he a leftist?

Where did he shoot?

Yeah.

No, the guy who was like, he's like, kill every fascist.

He has all these tweets.

They're not reporting that because it.

What's that?

The Dayton shooter.

Use a Rose emoji?

Yeah, the Dayton Day.

Why was he at the DSA convention?

Because he had to do a shooting.

Because he had to do his shooting.

He had to do a shooting.

He should have been there at the

guy that yelled about.

There was no clapping resolution.

No, he was the guy that yelled about not using gendered language.

That is my favorite.

I was crying laughing.

I was going to throw him over my barrel.

Guys, can we keep the chit chat to a minimum?

And then, if you watch, you can see that

woman stand up.

As soon as guys are set, they're like,

Yeah, yeah.

Getting out of the screen.

Can we not use gendered language for John?

Come on, man.

And then, whoever, like, the person is speaking, it's like, you can tell, like, what have we done?

You know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What has this been?

Oh, we're fucked, dude.

Yeah.

Like, you could say guys and then hurt

their feelings.

I don't know, man.

It's one of the.

It's like, it's one of the funny people that talk about punching Nazis if guys hurt your feelings, right?

Well, Nazis really hurt, yeah, hurt my feelings.

Yeah, exactly.

If I had a pen.

That video is amazing.

It it was so

tough.

It's so rough that there was a real chance for like a vibrant leftist movement after Trump was elected and it just got taken over by people afraid of clapping.

That's right.

Well, what I don't understand is like, shouldn't you be like praising the Dayton shooter if like you are.

Did he shoot fascists?

I think he went to like a country bar or something.

What?

What is what are you talking?

What's the Dayton shooter?

Is that the guy at Walmart?

No, there's nothing.

That was in El Paso, and then, like, 12 hours later, some guy in Ohio shot up a bunch of people.

Oh, are they trying to say that he's Antifa?

I don't know.

It isn't like, well,

Antifa is like a volunteer fire department, you know.

So it's, you know, whoever wants to be.

Yeah.

Oh, but I thought you said the racist guy was a leftist.

The racist was in El Paso.

Yeah.

How many?

Three happened?

Yeah, it's every day.

Damn.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Wait, who did the guy?

Who did the fucking

damn, dude?

There's that many shootings?

That is fucking pretty much.

The shooter wore a mask, bulletproof vest, and hearing protection.

So the hearing protection would indicate that he is the guy from the DSA meeting.

Yeah.

That he is, in fact, the guy who wore

who asked for the chit chat to be cast.

Damn, this shit is wild.

Yeah.

Well, people were saying, like, oh, well, maybe the Dayton shooting was a retaliation to the Ohio one, but it's like, what, like, fucking 10 hours, you got an assault rifle and multiple magazines.

I mean, it would be that easy.

Oh, there was another one in Ohio.

No, this is the one in Dayton, Ohio.

Yeah, that's what, that's what you said.

Oh, retaliation for El Pasix.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hootie-cootie shoot?

Damn,

Oregon District is

closing.

There's a bar.

I don't know, man.

It's kind of hard to get information on this one.

That's why they suspended his Twitter account.

Yeah, which sucks because it's like every follower counts.

I know.

They're really fucking with your ratio.

They are.

Yeah.

Listen, I don't like what he did, but the follow.

What if they have fucking pictures of him and he's just wearing a Richard Gere Museum shirt while he's doing this shit?

Yeah, please don't do that.

Please don't buy my shirts and then you do this.

But please buy my shirts.

Actually, you know what?

The shooter was found wearing a white shirt.

Now that I thought about it, I don't care.

If you're going to buy the shirt, do whatever you want with it.

It ends there.

He's simply a murderer.

This is all over the news.

The shooter was wearing a cometown shirt.

I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.

You mean he bought a shirt?

Thanks.

No, thanks.

Don't need that.

No follow-up questions.

Just so we're on the same page, he purchased a fucking shirt because the shirts are good.

Yeah, yes.

Oh, are you reporting on him wearing a fucking

Nike shirt?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Oh, I guess under armor.

Yeah, I guess racist.

After assault.

After spending all his money on it.

Yeah, it's not the assault rifles that's the problem.

It's the shirt he was wearing, which is printed on.

Next level.

Great shirts.

Premium cotton.

Premium shirts.

I know.

Really good.

Screen printed.

They last forever.

I don't support what he did, but I understand why he opted for this shirt to do it in.

No evidence so far of a biased crime police says.

Sean King, though, was immediately like, authorities are now saying he did it as a white supremacist motivation.

He targeted black people.

And it's like, no, they didn't.

In El Paso?

No, no, the Dayton shooter.

Oh, okay.

We're not talking about El Paso.

El Paso is like

doesn't fit Nick's narrative, El Paso.

Yeah.

It wasn't my narrative.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm talking about it.

My narrative is that Sean King was Sean King, like, immediately said that it was

a white supremacist thing.

I mean, the man was playing the odds.

Yeah.

I mean, he considers himself a journalist.

Oh, yeah.

He's not a journalist, is he?

Yeah.

He is a guy that's trying to get RTs.

Yeah.

Sean King.

Yeah, he's a clout shark, too.

He's a clout chaser.

Classic clout chaser.

Yeah.

Anyways, I want to know more about the bar that he's shot up.

That's true.

Because I think it's funny.

Yeah.

I think there's something funny there.

There probably is something funny.

Dayton kind of sucks.

Wow, a country bar got shot up in.

Oh, oh, here we go, Stop.

In LA.

Authorities also found a shotgun in the shooter's 2007 Toyota Corolla.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

Maybe you have some things you want to answer for.

Dude, no.

First of all, it's a 2011 thing.

I know it's a 2011.

I'm familiar with your vehicle that I've driven more times than you have.

That's not true.

I've driven you.

You've driven it a couple times.

Better than you do.

No.

Your car really.

You're driving it during a mental break on, and I'm pretty sure you fucked something up.

Your car thinks about me when you drive it.

Yeah, we didn't fill up the tank also after that.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

That was really nice.

Yeah, I broke the air conditioner buttons.

Yep.

By pressing them too hard.

That drive back from DC was

ridiculous.

Yeah, just blasting metal.

Yeah, Nick blasting metal, screaming about God.

It is so fucking good.

I wish I was that.

I wish I was dead.

I'd be like, let's just get to Astoria and do the pod.

God damn it.

Let's just get to Astoria.

What a time.

Yeah, and then you're.

We get to yours.

You're wearing a swimsuit because you've run out of underwear.

Oh, yeah.

Damn.

That was

jars of piss.

They took five out of it.

That was a dark time, bro.

We really have been through some things.

And I remember

you've been through.

You know what's great?

It's like, because everyone's like, well, your 20s suck, but then you get into your 30s and it's fine.

And it's like, that's literally what happened.

Yeah.

That summer sucked, but now that I'm old,

I don't care about anything.

Yep, it's great.

Like, I get creepy voicemails.

I had another person being like, Hey, oh, I have a theory on that creepy voicemail.

I don't care.

There's like this other person hit me up, and they're like, Hey, like, this is gonna sound weird, but I got this, like, like, I like, I feel like you're in danger or something.

They're like, I got this really like weird overwhelm.

This person I don't even know, and uh, it's like, yeah, maybe I'll just be killed.

Who cares?

Yeah, who cares?

Yeah, you might be killed, but I think that I think I know who did that voicemail.

Why?

I think that's Longmont.

No, it's John McAfee.

No, it's Longmont.

It's John McAfee.

Are you sure?

Yeah, listen to it.

We gotta get him on the phone.

Because I know Longmont is like doing a show now for a Longmont potion castle.

Yeah.

Oh, those guys.

I think that they were like asking for people's numbers or something and someone might have passed your number along.

That's illegal, dude.

First Amendment.

Triple double chip.

Why would what would be the point of that?

Because they they want to prank people that have following.

Yeah.

Like my friend.

Oh, it's viral marketing.

My friend said that

he's like.

So you're saying I have to kill the guy from Longmont?

You don't have to kill him.

No, dude.

Someone probably gave your number to him.

Adam, that's Adam.

That's a dumb theory.

Adam.

My theory is that it's John McAfee.

Yeah.

I think it's Longmont Potion Castle.

I mean, it sounds like John McAfee.

It sounds like Longmont Potion Castle.

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

Longmont Potion Castle guy kind of sounds like the guy that did Garfield's voice.

John Ernest or Lorenzo Music.

What?

You know the guy's name that did Garfield now?

What's his name?

Lorenzo Musak?

Lorenzo Music.

Music?

That's a great name.

Yeah, Lorenzo Music.

Here, let's see.

His name is Lorenzo.

His last name is Music.

Yeah, that's his name.

Lorenzo Music.

Respect.

There you go.

Here's an interview with him.

I didn't really prepare.

I read some of the Garfield books.

There were three at the time.

And I just realized that I understand this

cat, and I am this cat.

What does he look like?

And he became semi-famous as Carlton wrote his drunken doormail.

Music's done a lot of things, but he's never played a cat.

They started laughing.

I was just, it's one of those things.

I love the fuck that way.

He's introduced.

Yeah, he sounds like that.

It's either Lorenzo music or John.

It's Lorenzo music.

It's either Lorenzo music or John

Those are good-ass guesses, brother.

Yeah.

I think it's LPC, dude.

No, it's not, dude.

I think it is.

Where did that come from?

Who told you that?

Whose theory is that?

It's my theory, but Jonah hit me up a couple

weeks ago.

Immediately.

That does sound like him, dude.

It's John McConnell.

Can you get him on the podcast?

Yeah, I actually just texted him again the other day.

Let's go.

Let's go down to North Carolina.

He was like, he's like,

I think he did that drone video of Little St.

James Island.

Oh, that was him.

Yeah, I've heard from other people that he's like, I don't know.

He's always, he's just doing weird shit.

He's like a hard guy to get into it.

That rules.

He's always on weird research coming up.

But he agreed to do the show.

I texted him in January and he was like, yeah, he's like, I can come on.

But he wanted to Skype in.

And I was like, nah, I kind of want to do it in person.

So I was going to fly down.

Go to the Outer Banks?

Yeah.

Well, I wasn't going to dox him on the show.

I mean, I'm sure people know where he lives.

People know where he lives.

But you like to, you like to, you understand, his life is in danger.

Because of the drone video?

Because of, because, yeah, because this is a guy, there's good and dark forces.

Uh-huh.

And John's, John's one of the good ones.

He's the warrior, a crusader for the light.

Yeah.

And the battlefield of Bitcoin billionaires, there's the pedophiles, and then there's guys like John.

The guys who shit in a hammock or whatever?

John will probably have me killed because he doesn't, that's why he left that voicemail.

personally he left me a voicemail and a number I don't know to let you know to let me know yeah he could have you killed at any moment yeah oh it wasn't your regular number no no that kills my that kills my longmont potion oh nice dude because someone dumbass someone asked me if I could give your guys numbers for that what for his new show the fuck want you can't just give out people's numbers and I didn't do it yeah good yeah

but I am a fan who asked you that why are people talking to you?

You're not approachable.

Jonas is immigration.

Well, yes, this is caused by immigration.

That's a great answer and backlash against it.

How old are you?

73.

He looks great.

He's got bleached tits.

I love his titty tats.

He's got like tribals on his tits.

He's getting that ex-prostitute pussy, dude, his wife.

That man rules, dude.

Yeah, I love John Macker.

Captain Sabahoe to the extreme.

Yeah.

But also probably getting pussy on the sneak.

What happened to viruses?

He fucking

viruses?

Mac if he stopped them all.

Does that shit ever happen to you when you're jacking off?

I don't have an antivirus on my camera.

Does that shit ever happen to you when you're jacking off?

You get like weird pop-ups that are like

meet other guys.

No, no, no.

That's probably you.

Because you like gay porn, you might like.

No, that.

No, that's what happens to you.

No, I was saying you get that.

That doesn't happen to me.

That happens to you.

That doesn't happen happen to me.

That happens to you.

What happens to me is like it'll something it'll like freeze you out of it.

It's like it makes you like agree to something.

And then you have to like click out and like exit.

Or

does my phone have a virus?

That sounds like a virus.

Fuck.

I've been jacking off too much.

What do you jack off to on your phone?

Ex-hamster?

I'm an ex-videos guy.

Ex-Videos?

Which I fought for a long time.

I used to be a Spank Wire guy back in the college.

I like the little guy, you know.

I'm never a pornhub guy.

Yeah.

It's like too corporate for me, dude.

I think it's one guy that owns all of them.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Even xnxx.com?

I used to use that one in college.

Yeah.

X-Video seems a little more like, you know,

a little more the Wild West.

A little bit more with DIY.

A little more with DIY, yeah.

Absolutely.

But they got some of the

big names.

Sure, you can find the big names, of course.

You can find the big names, you can find the small names.

X Hamster is another one I dabbled with, but never really.

X Hamster is a good video quality.

The thing I like about X Videos is you can scroll over and get that little preview.

Dude, I used to love Chexmix, and now it's just bullshit.

The regular kind or the dessert kind?

The regular kind.

The regular kind of sucks my dick, dude.

When I was a kid, I was like, what?

Because I didn't know about Chex Mix.

The first time they I was having like sixth grade, I was like, this is fucking this.

Oh, what is this?

What is it?

It's pretzel sticks.

There's bacon shit.

They have to put a description on the back with all the different kinds of stuff in it.

Because it's 19 different fucking snacks at once.

It's a mix.

It's for a party.

You tried it recently?

I just don't like the nuts.

Over time, throughout my life, it stopped having an effect.

Yeah.

Like love.

Isn't that the truth, brother?

Well, what about Muddy Howard, though?

Checks, Muddy Buddies?

Yeah, that shit rocks.

Well, you know, if you put chocolate on the checks,

you're allowed to say muddy buddies.

Are you?

I'm talking about a snack.

I don't know what you think it means.

I'm not on the DA, we just

muddy buddies.

No DL shit happening.

Fight each other in the ass as money buddies.

Does that mean on the DL?

We're just muddy buddies.

You know,

Folks.

I just wanna suck your little dick.

Cause I'm gay.

Damn, what place is this on the screensaver?

That looks cool.

Scotland.

I don't know.

Is it Scotland?

California or some shit.

That's pretty cool, dude.

Looks like you can hop down those little

Cabo Suck Dickas.

Cabo Suck Dickas, dude.

Hey, brother.

Yeah, for whatever reason, I guess today's a street sweeping day on the other side of the street, but nobody moved their car.

Is it a holiday?

I don't know.

It could be a holiday.

Jewish?

I don't think it's a holiday.

You get off for every bullshit Jewish holiday.

Yeah.

Well, you don't have alternate sign for Jewish holidays, so that's one good thing.

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

Because Jews can't turn their cars.

New York public schools get off for like obscure Jewish holidays.

There's a little black ribbon on the Google, so maybe it's shooting day.

Ah, shooting day.

I think it is shooting day.

I forgot.

Maybe it's mass shooting day.

Damn, dude.

Let's snatch people's guns, dude.

It's going to be us.

No, we're going to look.

Hold on.

People are going to want to hear this.

This is the parking holidays.

What is it?

New Year, Memorial Day, Independence.

It's not Memorial Day, is it?

No.

No.

Memorial's Day is like in a couple weeks, I think.

It's so.

New Year's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day.

Your holiday owners of hardest time staying in your full-time seven days, no staying in Major City Spend Manage Regulation.

I'm Googling what holiday is it?

Alternate side street parking.

Other holidays.

Rule applicable to other holidays, suspends the restrictions.

It's National Underwear Day.

Include Martin Luther King birthday, Lincoln's President's Day, Good Friday, Ash Wednesday, Purim, Passover.

Purim.

Aid Al-Fatir, Adul Fatir, Rosh Hashanah, and All Saints Day.

Heritage Day in Alberta is today.

It's also a civic holiday in Canada.

Is it Aid?

Is it Aid Mubarak?

It is not Aid Mubarak.

It's New Brunswick Day.

Some kind of Canadian shit's going on.

Terry Fox Day.

Who the fuck is that?

Looks like a bitch.

There's a statue of him.

Oh, never mind.

He had a tumor or something.

No, it was the 4th of June.

Oh, shit.

This man.

This man ran a long-ass race with his knee all fucked up or something.

Is it Rosh Hashanah?

Salute to Terry Fox, some Canadian little bitch.

The fuck is Rosh Hashanah, dude?

It's the New Year.

Fucking stupid.

No, it's Passover.

No.

No, Passover is when they were getting ready to fucking wet up my man Christ.

It's called Passover.

Passover is the day you make plans.

When they left Egypt, Passover is the day where you make plans to fucking get at Jesus, dude.

When they were like, that's not what happened.

Yes, it is.

They maintain that Passover is New Year's and Rosh Hashanah is some other bullshit.

No.

Passover is when they made some treacherous plans.

and they freed that one guy.

Who's the murderer you guys freed instead of Jesus?

You know the story.

That's not Passover.

But you know, who is it, though?

The murderer they freed?

It's funny that you chose to make Hanukkah the big one, and it's just about some dumbass.

No, they didn't choose.

Hanukkah was not chosen to be the big one.

It just became a big one because it's near Christmas.

Yeah.

It's kind of a bullshit.

It's copying, you mean?

Well, my parents said that it was American to do Hanukkah, so they'd like write me one check on the first day and then not celebrate it up.

And they never got extra checks.

The guy was like $25.

They didn't give me more checks.

Barabbas.

Barabbas.

That's a cool name.

Oh, from A-Team.

Yep, A-T.

Yep.

B.A.

Barabbas.

They freed Mr.

T instead of Jesus.

I put it a fool

that doesn't believe that Christ was a false prophet.

The Messiah is coming, and we're going to wait around for him.

And that's why you're not allowed to use electricity on Saturdays.

He was a seed.

I know you're not using the refrigerator on Saturday.

You got to let your meat hang outside in the hot weather.

That's why we're going to cure the meat out here in the hot weather.

Put a bunch of salt on it, cook it on the radiator.

I got, we're going to put, you got to get your Shabbos boy to cook your meat for you.

We're gonna grill up these steaks.

We're gonna grill up these steaks on the shabbis on my El Dorado frame.

It's got a 500 in it.

Were the shooters insules?

Huh?

Probably.

Maybe were they?

Were you?

I don't know.

Were you the shooter?

Are you the shooter?

Got him.

Yeah.

You know, that's not true.

That's the sound of you shooting.

I've never had sex.

I've never had sex.

How about a guy who's like an incel and he's like shooting up a mall?

And then there's some girl that's like, that's so cool.

You know, and he's like, really?

And she's like, yeah, what's your name?

And he's like, I finally found someone.

And then he kisses her right as the SWAT team comes in.

Wow, that's a romantic.

The SWAT team's like, well, we're going to give you a two days vacation.

Nicholas Barclays publisher is like, I guess.

That's That's what the next one is.

For the Times, something for the appropriate for the Times.

The Bullet by Nicholas Sparks.

I'm just a country boy that wants to shoot up a movie theater.

I don't know about all this, but I'm just an incel country boy.

Lonely incels.

And I'm a city girl.

I'm just going to wait for the right girl to come along.

I'm a city girl, and I've had sex with a million guys.

I love shopping.

And I love shopping and having sex.

I'm going to have sex with a shooter bad boy.

He's like, why can't you?

Maybe if we could just have met before I did the shooting.

And my dad has a lot of Mexican friends.

The irony is, Michael, I wouldn't have fucked you if you didn't shoot him.

I just want to fuck you right now in this Charlotte Ruse.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you in this Charlotte Ruse.

20 minutes in a Charlotte Ruse.

Yeah.

Yeah, time go down.

Fucking

Punisher.

Finally, I get to be the punisher.

The SWAT team guy that just wanted to be the punisher.

Damn, dude.

I love it when a plan fucks my ass.

I love it when a man fucks my ass.

The gay team.

We're going to get you help.

That's probably my favorite bit of all time.

Get in the van, brother.

We're going to get you the help you need.

For the tent cities.

Get in, brothers, brothers, Vincent, raping them.

Showering them.

Nightmare is over.

We're going to get you some help.

It's all over, brother.

We're going to take care of you.

Bumming up, bumming up

streams.

The gay team.

Damn.

All right.

Well, folks.

Folks, if you come to Funny Moms next week.

Come to Funny Moms.

Come to Fat Tuesdays every Tuesday.

See me in LA at the the lodge room on the 29th of August.

Come downtown with new shirts, restocking left and right, and get them all there.

I'm going to figure out how to sell tickets to live events through that.

Maybe Funny Moms tickets.

You can get there.

You can check the schedule.

Look, I got big plans.

I know that I'm a G Suite subscriber.

Get that newsletter.

Is that a Google project?

That's a Google product.

No, it's Gay Suite.

It's Gay Suite.

Do you remember Google Reader?

Google Reader?

Yeah.

No.

Of course not.

Some baby computer program that Adam used to do.

Sounds burned out of reader.

Is it for babies?

It's for babies.

That's why Adam had it.

It was kind of like

a thing where people could.

I used it.

I was on it with a group of friends, and then people would be a bad guy.

A bunch of guys, a bunch of strangers.

A bunch of guys you never met in real life.

They were guys, but they were just my friends.

Yeah, I bet you were friendly with them.

Check out Come.

I bet you were real friendly with them.

Come.town.

We're restocking soon.

Stopby.biz slash tour.

I just ordered 1,200 shirts.

My man, buy them shits.

Oh, my mom's calling me.

All right, all right, talk to that bitch.

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