Ep. 150 – sick day

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Every time I go to get

my haircut, they end up fucking my ass.

They fuck me and my ass every time I go.

Oh, yeah, hit that record.

We got a new guy, dude.

No, I already started.

Oh, really?

Every time we go, I go to the haircut.

Why is it that when I get my hair cut, I leave and my ass is fucked?

They say they have to put their scissors in my ass.

Man, why is this?

Salute to the gullible African man getting, I guess, raped at the barber shop every time.

Yeah, something like that.

Once again,

I hate to have to bring this up again,

but

if I'm going to keep getting messages about it from you fucking idiots.

Oh, no.

The bonobo's chimps thing.

Listen, it sounds like people are standing up.

But bonobo is not a chimp, or it is a chimp.

I think it's different.

We're having a conversation about the great apes.

Right.

The great apes is a family.

So, in terms of taxes.

Fast and furious.

Yes.

They are a family.

They are a family.

It's true.

Actually,

we'll use Fast and the Furious as an example.

Okay, great.

Right?

Let's hear it out.

They're all ludicrous.

Yeah.

No, I mean, no, no.

It's basically

what?

Yeah, if you say, if you were to say there's seven Fast and Furious movies, one, two, three, four, five.

Oh, I was going to say

that's the only thing.

If you said, no, you say there's seven different Fast and Furious movies, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and Tokyo Drift.

And it's like, well, Tokyo Drift is three.

Okay.

Okay.

You know, I mean, it doesn't quite work.

Right.

But what I'm saying is,

we were talking about the great apes.

And

I said

there's four outside of humans.

You're looking at gorillas, chimps, Vin Diesel's gorillas.

Gorillas, chimps, and orangutans.

That's three.

Those are three outside of humans.

Oh, okay.

So, four including humans.

Yes.

But those are four genera under the family

of great apes.

Now, underneath the genus,

there's orangutans.

There's three different extant species of orangutans.

There's two species of gorilla with like four or five different subspecies.

And then under chimpanzee, there's also several subspecies.

So bonobos.

One of which is a bonobo.

Bonobos and common chimpanzees, yes, are different species.

But if you're talking about the great apes and you say chimps,

you're referring in the general to the genera of pan, which is chimps.

yeah okay so to say

well when to say bonobos are chimps is one million percent accurate and if you disagree with that you're a fucking asshole yeah i don't know if i agree nick i'm gonna say that all right

bonobos i've i've really not been

enjoying your your your attitude since the chelsea clinton thing what what since the chelsea

i'm not bullying you i'm not being mean to you i'm not shitting on a joke you made no you've been very nice.

So what are you doing for some positivity?

You're saying I don't agree with that.

You're saying I don't agree with that.

Oh, come on.

You know that I was just doing that as a light rib.

And I'm not standing for it.

You know what?

A light rib?

I'm not standing for it.

Come on.

There's a gentle ribbon.

There's a gentle rib.

New rules.

No more ribs.

I'm sick.

No ribs.

I've been at home massaging my gums all day long.

Because I know you had serious gum procedures.

I'm a veteran.

I know.

I'm a military veteran.

Nick has been doing this, spitting this through the wire the last week and a half.

We haven't even mentioned that.

I hurt my gums spitting at Arabs.

I hurt my gums breaking up the boy dances and

warlords do.

I go stand outside the Ground Zero Mosque and I spit at Arabs.

It's a type of veteran.

You can't tell me it isn't.

I'm not going to stand here and have people tell me I don't deserve discounts at the movie theater.

That's true.

I don't have a military ID, ma'am.

We have a war on terror.

We're all combatants.

It's a stateless enemy and I'm a stateless hero.

I'm

the Army of One.

Ever hear that?

My ID number?

My ID number is one.

Yeah, exactly.

I have a sword.

My military ID?

Does this count?

And then I start, yeah, just

waving that sword around the movie theater until they let me into Captain Marvel.

If you find a lava monster, I will slay it, ma'am.

Yeah.

I'm just loudly booing Captain Marvel.

For being a woman, for being a dumb man.

He hates me, Captain S.

Marvel.

Boo.

Fucking boo.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm a veteran.

I don't remember seeing any girls in my army.

There weren't any girl captains in my army.

And I don't want there to be either.

Salute.

Salute to the veterans.

Thank you for your service, Dick.

Thank you.

You know what?

I'm coming around on that chimpanobo thing.

Chimpanobo?

The chimpanobo.

Nick, if your gums hurt, I actually have a small

device that you can rub on this.

What's a small...

How small?

Huh?

How small are we talking?

I guess teeny tiny.

It's not small.

It's a teeny tiny device, right?

I actually now think about it.

It's small.

It's a wee device.

Compared to other medical devices, like an MRI machine.

That's pretty big.

That's really big.

But compared to something, let's say, randomly, like a human penis, it's big.

I can't wait till I have the money to get an MRI every single day.

Oh, yeah.

MRI.

Yeah, just to be as healthy as possible every day getting x-rays and CAT skins.

Yeah, I'm going to sleep in one of those

all day long.

Yeah, making sure nothing's fucking up in these organs.

Yes, just constantly having x-rays going through my body, monitoring myself in real time.

I just have a machine hooked up to my head.

A suit that's

made out of radiation that just is constantly monitoring me for any kind of problem.

You can have an app that goes to your phone.

That would be great.

I'm just wearing 600 pounds worth of equipment, gear, resume.

The whole time, a slight buzz happening.

Yeah.

These things are cool because they're scary.

They scare kids.

MRI machines?

Yeah.

They're scary for adults, too.

Yeah.

Don't like them at all.

Have you had one?

I've had one, yeah.

You had an MRI?

Yeah, they said my brain was fucked up.

Oh, did they?

Yeah, no, I had an MRI.

For what?

When I was having stomach issues.

Oh, because you had a tummy ache.

Didn't your dad think you said that or something?

Adam had a tummy ache, so he had to get it.

They gave me an MRI for AIDS.

He had to get $40,000 worth of medical testing.

Yeah.

It's covered.

What do I pay insurance for?

My parents took me to Cedar Sinai, the most Jewish hospital in the,

you know, it was six and a half hour drive.

but there's a mezuzah on every door so it made us feel safe

get us a Jew what's a mezuzza it's like to ward off bad spirits it's uh so the Nazis know where the Jews are

it's actually uh just no soliciting in here

yeah

I know what Chinese food menus I know where I get my Chinese food we already have I'm not into it we already have a place that we like we have our favorite place.

We have a favorite place.

They come quick and they don't expect a tip.

They've learned over the years.

They've learned.

Every time you don't tip.

Who told you about tipping?

I thought we had disagreed.

I was under the impression you weren't familiar with.

Now I have to question the authenticity of the Chinese food itself.

It's true.

Just how Chinese are you?

Fuck damn.

God damn.

I've had a couple MRIs, shoulder and for my foot.

Yeah.

The shoulder one was brutal, dude.

I was packed in that motherfucker like a little fat sausage.

It's hilarious.

It sucked.

Did they have to slam it against a countertop to get you out?

They tipped it up.

Yeah, they tipped it upside down and hit the top.

My parents actually gave me an MRI for being gay.

They wanted to see the inside the brain.

Yeah.

And your asshole.

To see if they're in an asshole.

Yeah.

To see if they could see any.

They gave your asshole a fucking.

Fuck.

I always blank on this word.

What?

What?

What's the sonic?

No, what did they do to a pregnant lady?

Epidural.

No, no, no.

With the belly, they rubbed.

Ultrasonic.

Yeah, they gave your asshole an ultra.

Sonic.

Sonic.

Sonogram.

Sonogram.

Yeah, they said there was gel in there.

I love that.

That's actually something that turns me on sexually, is the gel on a pregnant stomach.

No joke?

You just got a heart cynogram, right?

Huh?

You got a heart central.

I did.

They did that shit to me.

Yeah?

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

I got all gelled up by some Middle Eastern woman.

Me too.

I love that gel.

It was a hot young doctor, dude.

You ever jack up the dog?

I was like, damn.

I'm sorry, my chest is so strong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You gotta use a lot of gel, huh?

I was like, sorry, my titties are so lucky.

She's like, sir, my husband watches me at work all day.

He's a baby.t.

He makes sure that this doesn't happen.

He's at home.

He's in his cab.

Watching him.

What?

What?

What?

Barking orders to the camera.

What is this happening?

What?

No.

Mom was a young doctor, and I think she wanted to fuck me.

Yeah.

She was like, wow, this 30-year-old man that's making sure he's not, his heart isn't too fat.

He's making a change in life.

Yeah.

That gives me hope for my future.

It's cool that you have an enlarged heart.

I don't.

It's bad to have an enlarged heart.

I thought you had an enlarged heart.

No.

Oh, I thought you had heard.

Just an enlarged belly.

I thought I had like, maybe I had like a...

I don't know.

I don't remember what the fuck it was, but I don't have.

My shit's normal, according to the cardiologist.

I think what happened is I got worked.

First of all, fuck Zoc Doc.

I've been using that shit, but they have a lot of bullshit-ass doctors on it.

That seems like an Israeli company.

Well, don't you just...

Yeah, it does sound Israeli.

Israelis come up with the shittiest names for businesses.

We open a car rental place.

It's called Zoom, Zoom, Zip

Business

Super Good Time.

What the fuck is this?

There is a ZipZap rental.

They came up with Waze.

That's Israeli.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Sounds Israeli.

So do I have to BDS it and not use it?

No, you can't get around it because Google bought it.

So they use the Waze technology on Google Maps anyway.

Fuck, dude.

You got to to BDS your way back into that shitty apple.

Rand McNally?

No, that.

You ever use randmcnally.com?

They have an app?

Nah, but back in the old days, I used to print out directions on Rand McNally.

You didn't use MapQuest like a normal person?

No.

It'd be cool if the Holocaust happened now and the train driver was using Waze

to fit.

I know that's not how trains work.

Yeah, they're on a track.

Yeah, they're on a track.

It's like, ah, but just trying to

avoid traffic.

There's a cop at the corner.

Better slow down.

I hate these fucking peaks, man.

Your boy Beebe was saying he's going to fucking just snatch up Palestine.

Didn't he say that shit?

He said, snatch up the parts that we've stolen.

Not the whole thing, but just the parts we've stolen.

Gotcha, gotcha.

And by we, I mean they, not me at all.

Yeah, you said you.

No, I said we.

Listen, you went to birthright?

You're part of it, dude.

I know.

You got sucked off by that race.

I got sucked off in the Golan Heights, too.

Like, annexed that.

Birth wrong.

They're putting up a memorial to where you got sucked off by a Russian prostitute.

I busted on some titties in the Golan Heights.

I respect.

And then I wrote Donald Trump a letter.

Dear President Trump,

as a lad, I busted on this girl, Rebecca's titties.

Oh, a girl your age, not just a prostitute?

No, a young woman my age.

You did get sucked off by that Russian woman with braces.

I did.

I got a condom blow job when I was 19 from what, in retrospect, was a sex slave.

But I didn't know the political ramifications.

I thought it was just a Russian woman living in Israel.

You were just doing it.

Voluntarily working at a strip club called Pussycat.

You were just doing your job.

You were just doing it.

I thought she was a volunteer.

Yeah, I was just following orders, exactly.

The banality of evil.

Yes, that was my Nuremberg moment.

Getting your dick back.

Yo, honestly,

if those were the orders I got,

she had braces and she had a necklace that said sex on it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Which really turns me hot.

And I honestly think like four and a half sucks with a condom on.

Still busted.

How old were you?

Hammered drunk.

Wow.

Yeah, that's how horny I was.

Wow.

Can you imagine the level of horny?

I mean, that's a condom blowjob is one of the straightforward.

That's a vibrating, like, adolescent penis.

That's like an angry bow.

40.

A buzzing cock with a with a fucking like like raincoat on

that's wild, dude.

First of all, anyway.

He also let me touch her

just incredibly hard breasts.

Nice.

Not her pussy, though?

Almost as if some sort of doctor put rocks in her breasts.

Like bowls.

Sandbags or no?

No, there was no give to them.

They were so hard.

Interesting.

Damn.

The Palestinian child touches him and he just gets shot to death by the other.

Yeah, throwing her titties around.

Hmm.

Damn, dude.

Have you ever gotten sucked off with a condom at a different time in your life?

That's ridiculous.

No,

only when it was in a professional

setting.

Exchange of goods and services.

Then he immediately had to go get an MRI.

And then I think I have AIDS.

I think I got AIDS.

I think I got AIDS from that lady.

I used to use a dental dam for kissing.

I need another MRI.

Nick, have you ever gotten a condom blowjob?

Never in my life.

Me neither.

That's insane.

I've never had sex one.

Listen, that was a business woman.

Sorry, some of us have been at war since 9-11.

We haven't had time to

fraternize with the locals?

Yeah.

We haven't had any fucking shore leave.

When you're in the army of one,

it's just constantly spitting at Arabs.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

Yeah, where he's climbing the tower.

That fucking Arabs.

You can just hang out at ground zero and spit at Arabs.

Accelerate your life.

If you have flat feet.

Yeah.

If you get four aft, maybe you can just hang out at ground zero and have

Hakluges and Arabs.

I like the idea of not just Ground Zero,

but like a guy going to just a different Muslim country just that had nothing to do with it.

Going to Morocco and spitting on them.

Indonesia.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They don't even look the same, Indonesians.

Oh, yeah.

Just

like.

It's like, what are all these Chinese people doing at a mosque?

Just like

Chinese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ong Bok, dude.

Ong Bok, that's a good-ass movie, or is that Thailand?

I mean, it's Thailand, but it's a good-ass movie, yeah, that's for sure.

I think this guy just had an Ong Bok transplant

is that like a cock transplant?

I think so, yeah.

Okay,

yeah, my girlfriend just had an operation, she can only have certain things.

I said, Yeah, what

kind of operation did she have?

A sex change operation,

Yeah, would she get a

her cock chopped off?

Vaginoplasty?

What'd they do?

Cut her penis off and turn it into a facsimile vagina made out of pieces of her asshole?

Oh, here's a little.

Pieces of her asshole.

How much asshole is there, man?

What does her asshole look like now, then?

Well, I remember learning in elementary school that if you stretched out the human small intestine, it would wrap around the world four times.

So they cut the asshole off and then...

If we just sacrificed one man, we could make enough vaginas for every trans person in the world.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

What was that number four times around the world?

Yeah, I remember learning that.

The small intestine?

Yeah.

You ever learned that?

Not really.

Yep.

Doesn't sound right to me.

Yeah, me either.

But I remember learning it.

Well, then let's kill a guy, chop up his ass cheeks,

and then see if we can make some pussies.

Nobody wants to know how the pussy is made.

You know, you all got.

Everybody wants a piece of the pussy.

Nobody wants to see it.

No,

no one wants to see it churned down.

Nobody knows how it's made.

Somebody has, there's a comic that has a story about

fucking some girl on the road.

And then the entire time they were like, this is not a vagina.

Oh, it was a reconstructed vagina?

Well, it was a constructed vagina.

Oh, yeah, constructed.

Well, or reconstructed.

Some of them are.

Oh, here's the little bit of a picture.

If you go to Thailand, apparently they do a good job.

It's like when you're in a bank that used to be a pizza hut.

You're like, I don't know if I should be putting my money in there.

This doesn't seem like a legitimate oven.

I feel like an oven.

I don't know.

I should trust these guys.

Can't you get like a column or something?

They're still wearing the uniform.

Just change the fucking pointy roof.

Yeah.

Apparently, if you're looking for a good, fresh, new puss, Thailand, you get a great deal.

They have good pussies over there?

They have medical tourism for plastic pussies.

That's a little Adam's deal corner.

I'm going to Ukraine and getting fucking

like

bicep injections.

Oh, that guy?

The guy looks like Popeye?

Yeah, I'm doing that shit, dude.

Nah, dude.

I just show up and I got like 37-inch forearms.

Is this saline?

Be like, yeah,

it's my arm.

That guy looks hilarious.

It looks like someone put titties in his arms.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm strong.

My apologies for being insanely strong.

I didn't mean to intimidate you.

I'm sorry.

My strong arms.

I'm sorry, you weaklings with your arms that don't look like fucking C-cups.

Yeah.

Are scared.

Adam, how did you find out about pussies being on discount?

Oh, I've been, you know, I've just J.D.

Power and Associates.

We've been comparison shopping a little bit.

Now, that seems funny to me because it seems like Thailand, from the videos that I've seen,

Jade Off Powers and Associates.

Say it again, Nick?

Jade Off Powers and Associates.

Yep.

They said this is the best truck of the year.

Who did?

I don't know.

Some guy that beats off in the front.

If you have the name J.D.

Power, people just listen to you.

Yep.

That's some guy that's like, yeah, I made these little caliper awards.

just hand out to

what are they for?

Like the Dodge Durango?

Yep.

Who's ever got the the best Dodge Durango to beat off in?

J.D.

Powers.

J.D.

Jadolph Powers.

Yeah, Jadolph Powers.

Jadolf Powers.

JD Power is an American-based global marketing information services

company founded by James David Power 3.

3?

It seems like we should go.

But I would go by 3.

JD3?

JD3.

JD3 is cool.

JDP3.

JDP3?

J Power3?

Name's Power3.

That's what I call my dick.

Yeah.

Power 3.

Board in the school.

Okay.

Let's see.

JD Power to Six.

That sounds fake.

That sounds like he just made a zine about businesses.

He did.

He went to college, and then he just started saying, like, this shit's cool.

Initially, the associates in the firm's title were his own wife and children.

So, yeah, this is a great piece.

That's incredible.

Respected J.D.

Power for finessing the whole world.

Get this, though.

In 1972, the company drew national attention when his bitch discovered a design flaw in certain Mazda automobiles.

Is that what the Wikipedia article says?

Yeah, so I guess it's the cunt that he was married to is actually responsible for the success of the company.

Oh, wow, good for her.

So, this man who achieved so much, it was actually a fluke because this dumb broad.

I guess, like, just accidentally.

Interesting.

What was the design flaw?

I don't know.

Who cares?

What what she did?

Who cares about her?

Yeah, fuck her.

We're talking about this great man.

This great man, JD Power 3.

Power 3.

Yeah, this guy's hilarious.

He just had a cool name.

This guy rules.

And then it's his wife.

Honey.

This is in 1968, back when everyone was Don Draper.

He's like, I'm not getting the job.

I'm going to have my bitch look at blueprints.

I love that it says associates, too.

Can you imagine?

It's just his boy.

His associates were literally his wife and children.

Yeah, Adam wasn't listening when I said that part.

Come on, man.

Their only job

is to take part in this conversation.

I'm here.

I'm here.

It was a bad text, guys.

Said you're dick small.

Yeah, no, this guy's JD Power rules.

This guy's life is off.

He never did shit.

His wife did one thing.

She only figured out one thing.

And then from there, I was like, all right, let's listen to them.

Yeah.

He served four years as a line officer above the Coast Guard Icebreaker, USCGC, Eastwind, in the Arctic and Antarctic.

There's no war over there.

That's a troop.

That's still a troop.

Dude, there's no war.

I'll go to Antarctica right now and I'll have sex with some penguins.

I'll thank him for his service.

He was an icebreaker.

So his job was to go create.

To make global warming.

He was just fucking spraying his hair down with extra fucking sprays.

He was setting off fucking gasoline fires.

Yeah.

What is an icebreaker?

You just move a ship

open.

They go up to the North Pole and they're like, so.

So where are you from?

Yeah.

That's.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just step on it.

Sorry.

Sorry.

But wait, there are ships that like.

Of course we should know where it's going at, and we're comedians.

Let him say the first one and then riff off it, man.

Icebreakers.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Icebreakers are ships that go up into the Arctic.

I was really wondering.

They break up the ice.

Why do they have to break up the ice?

You're right.

I was just wondering about the ships, dude.

Nick probably knows about those things.

Nick's one of my smartest friends.

I just wanted to get his take on something that I didn't know about.

I don't know.

Presumably, so other ships can fucking go through, like, submarines can go through that shit.

I don't know.

But a submarine could go under the ice.

Not always.

What if it's thick-ass ice, bro?

Oh, it goes all the way to the bottom?

Yeah, dude.

Damn, fish are frozen out there.

That's how you get fish sticks.

They complain about fucking global warming, and then there's ice that you can't even have a submarine go underneath.

Well, not anymore.

These videos are cool.

The submarines coming through the ice.

That is cool.

Surprise, faggot.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's like when my dick pops out of my pajama pants.

Here comes Mr.

Submarine doing some cool shit.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

That's the first time I ever knew what an erection was.

I was wearing pajama pants and watching Mad TV with my family.

Oh, nice.

And my dad turned around and he saw that I had a boner coming out of my pajama pants.

You're waiting, wait, you're you're yeah, I was like in flesh, third or fourth grade.

Your cock flesh was exposed.

No underwear, pajama pants.

And then my dad just shouted, Joanne, he's got an erection.

Then they rushed to the hospital to get an MRI.

And then they got an MRI.

Oh my God.

Something's wrong with my boy.

No, sir, his penis is just that small.

He's got a very small growth still protruding.

It's still soft, but it looks hard.

They're like, no, that's as big as it's going to get.

That wasn't as big as it was going to get.

Just for the record, for anyone that's listening and thinks Nick may be doing a funny bid, my dick has grown since third grade.

No, it hasn't.

Yes, it has.

How much?

Not a lot.

How big is your dick, Adam?

Soft?

No.

Hard.

Either way.

You want to know both?

Yeah, give me both measurements.

Soft?

13.5 inches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, it is.

It's coiled around my leg.

Hard?

2.5.

My dick's probably like three inches soft.

That's a big, soft dick, dude.

That's huge.

Three inches soft.

Maybe then two.

Three is not big.

My dick is nothing soft.

My dick goes into my body like a turtle.

Hard, it's phenomenal, fantastic.

I give it a round of applause.

And my dick is probably, like I said,

a thirsty 5.75 when it's hard.

That's right, SmackDown.

What we're told is the average for

American male people.

One vein running through it, curving to the left and coming up just slightly.

Uncircumcised.

Am I picking up a picture here?

Oh shit, are you all right, bro?

Yeah, no.

Shit, your heart is

sick right now.

Yeah, I'm not fake.

And your heart is sick, too?

My heart always hurts.

I think I got

that thing Italians get agita.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, agita.

I don't know, but yeah, no, I just get like sharp chest pain.

That's fake.

That's something they created because they eat so much lasagna and shit.

So

what Italians have is a heart disease.

So I hope you don't have that.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, we know Nick's got a disease of the heart.

Yeah.

Well, I guess they do go under the ice.

Icebreakers or submarines?

Submarines.

I would think, I mean, I don't know shit about submarines, but I wouldn't do that because it's like, well, what if you need to come up for air?

Because everybody's got to hold

their breath.

Yeah, no, everyone's got to breathe.

And they breathe.

One guy's got really big lungs and breathes into everyone else's breath.

The guy looks at the periscope and goes, all right, everybody.

And then they all just have to hold their breath down there.

You ever see that movie, Kelsey Grammar?

Shut up.

What do you mean, shut up?

Now you're going back to mean?

Well, yeah.

A little bit.

That's fine.

People like that.

No, yeah, I did.

With

what's her name?

Holly?

Down Periscope.

Yeah, that bitch,

Holly, isn't it?

Holly Hunter?

No, not Holly Hunter.

Megan Holly?

Karen Holly.

I know there was a Holly in the body.

She's the bitch from Dumb and Dumber.

Oh, yeah.

She's hot.

Yeah, and they put her in, like, a slut outfit.

Hell yeah.

They shrink her clothes in Down Periscope.

Respect.

As a prank.

Oh, is that like their

and she just has to wear those clothes for the rest of the movie?

Yeah.

I love that shit, dude.

When movies find plot ways to just show more titties.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I liked when movies are brave enough to shrink bitches

close.

Not like today, when you can't even fucking say anything.

Yeah, now they have to be the fucking captain of Marvel.

Fucking I couldn't even.

My biggest problem with Captain Marvel, I couldn't see her pussy at all.

Yeah, exactly.

And she didn't, you know what my biggest problem was?

Yeah, she didn't serve in the IDF.

Hell yeah.

Like that fucking guy.

Yeah, like Gal Gadot.

Gal Gadot.

Every female superhero should do a tour in the IDF.

Absolutely.

To know what it's like to be a real-life hero.

How about a character, Gal Gadathead?

Yep, she's Indian?

Yeah.

Why would she be Indian?

What if, no,

she's not Indian.

A trained child Palestinian sniper has a

scope on her.

Gal Gadathead.

She gives people head.

What do you mean she's Indian, Adam?

Yeah, she's from the 50s.

Her name is Dot.

Her nickname is Dot.

Her name's Gal Gadathead.

It's Gal Gadat, but she gives people head.

I don't know why you said she's Indian.

Yeah, that's fucked up, Adam.

Why would she be Indian?

No, explain.

Wait a second.

Explain why she would be Indian.

Because Indian people have a bindy sometimes.

But how does that relate to Gal Gadothead?

He said her name, Gal Gadothead.

There's an offensive head.

And the word head.

There's a term that people never use sometimes for salvation.

What term do you use?

Called dot head.

I would never use it.

I never use it.

What?

I wouldn't use it.

We're going around disrespecting the bindy.

Nick, can you please, for the good of our listeners, edit that out?

Put the timestamp down on it.

In fact, we're just going to let people know that if you want to take bets on whether Nick will edit this or not.

You could bet it bet the aside money.

I bet you won't.

I bet you that I won't.

But seriously, could you?

But your bet is that I won't.

But my bet is that I also am betting that I won't.

I bet that you won't.

But I'm betting more money

to win.

What are you putting down?

Me?

Huh?

Yeah.

I'll put down it all.

I'm going all in.

Give me a dollar amount.

On how much money I have?

You're betting that I'm not going to.

Yeah.

How much?

I have about $5,000.

You're putting down $5,000.

I'm putting down $6,000.

My bet's higher.

I win.

I get the $11,000.

That's how betting works.

That's how betting at betthesi.com works.

It's a new approach to betting, wherein you all bet on the same thing, but the guy who bets the most money gets all of it.

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It's never actually worked.

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Let's start the show.

It's time for

what is that song?

Is that the Diamond Dallas Page theme?

No, I don't remember.

Was that DDP?

I think it was.

No, dude.

You know what his sound sound was?

Yoga.

Yoga.

GDP yoga, brother.

What a weird character because his name is Diamond Dallas Page, but he's some guy from Jersey.

Is he?

Yeah.

He's not a fucking wrestler, or he's not a Dallas guy at all?

No, he wasn't a Texas guy.

He's like George W.

Bush.

Damn, imagine the disappointment naming your son Dallas Page and thinking he's going to grow up to be a thick bottom and gay porn.

Juicy thick.

That's why you would name him that, obviously.

Of course.

Have him be like a fat ass twink.

Yeah.

Dallas,

Dallas Page.

Goes cruising for

crackhead dick in downtown New York.

He's hairless, except he's got a nice line of hair in his asshole.

That's his New Jersey father, Anthony Scalamucci.

Anthony Gugliaja Giamba Dugalia.

Yeah, my name's Anthony DeScabamba Jaduglia Babalia Babu.

The Giambaja.

And this is my son, Dallas Page.

My boy's going to grow up to to be a thick-bottomed.

He's going to take a fucking cock like you've never seen him.

He's going to suck dick on video for fucking drugs.

Yeah, I saw that movie Party Monster and I said to myself, that's going to be my son.

That's going to be my fucking boy.

That's going to be my son.

He's going to be a party monster.

He's going to be a fucking party monster.

The fucking monster of the party.

That's you ain't a kid, huh?

Just yelling at a toddler.

I look at an Italian guy red thing party monster.

Party monster.

That sounds fucking awesome.

I can't wait to see this fucking movie.

This guy probably

so much fucking push.

Joey sounds like a movie about guys like us.

It's probably about guys hanging out fucking drinking.

Watching the fucking game.

You know, fucking solo cups and playing beer pong.

It's going to be a fucking awesome movie.

Oh my fucking God.

Oh my God.

Tony.

Oh my god.

I can't wait to watch fucking Potty Monster.

I can't wait to see how fucking much I'm like the guy in the movie.

It's fucking.

What's that about?

Studio 64 or something?

No, it's about gay guys like killing themselves with too much sex.

Yeah, Macaulay Coggin's.

It's gay guys that fuck each other to death.

Yeah, literally.

Yeah.

They fuck each other to death.

They fuck each other to death.

They fuck each other and then one kills the other one.

This movie's gonna be fucking great.

It's gonna be fucking some good shit.

I can't wait to see fucking party monster.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They got

I would try to watch that movie, Party Monster.

It was a bunch of fag bullshit.

Anyways, I got this other movie.

It's pretty good.

It's called Paris is Burning.

But it's about burning up a bunch of queers over there in France.

That's what I need to cleanse my palate after that

mislabeled party monster movie.

It's a hate crime movie.

I'm going to watch all these queers.

Hopefully, it's a bunch of Sicilianos taking a fucking flamethrower in Paris.

Watching something cool happen.

And then he sits and watches the entire thing.

When are they going to Paris?

When are they going to put these fucking guys in Paris and burn them?

This is worse than Party Monster.

Hell yeah, I got this movie, Boys Don't Cry.

I bet it's a couple of Jersey boys like me.

A couple of New Jersey fellas that work on a truck in the tough.

Now they don't ever cry about anything.

Yo, I'm not watching no fucking movies no more.

Fucking movies.

Somehow, only Red Skate movies.

He just doesn't understand.

He just never looks at the back

or the front of the box.

He can't read.

He just doesn't.

He looks at the pictures.

I can't wait for Potty Monster.

He's fucking pussy-getting animals at this party.

I hope it's like fucking a frat movie.

Oh, Oh, yeah, the devil wears prada.

I bet it's about a cool guy who loves Italian clothes.

A fucking New Jersey devil.

A regular New Jersey devil hanging out wearing cool clothes.

What the fuck is this?

Stanley Tucci's a fucking trader.

He's a fucking trader.

By the

way.

Stanley.

Yeah, they got a fucking Italian Stanley dude.

I never heard of him, but

I can't wait to see what he does.

Probably fucks his young broad and a fucking old broad at the same time.

I'm trying to think of other gay movies.

I know,

call me by your name.

Moonlight.

Yeah.

None of them really work.

No.

Yeah, Moonlight would be like, watch that movie Moonlight.

It was exactly what I expected.

Exactly what I thought it would be.

They put it right there in the title.

Right there in the title.

You know, a full moon.

Maybe I think they'd straight, but Moonlight?

A bunch of queens out in the moon

holding each other's hand when it's dark outside.

Broke back mountain.

Sounds pretty gay.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

I don't know about Burke Backman.

What is that?

That is a wrestling.

I thought it was Don Mountain.

That's Jimi Hendrix.

Oh, who used to be?

Someone used to come out of the mountain.

Maybe that was right off on a mountain.

Well, that's what we should do.

We should do our famous Cometown WrestleMania recap, guys.

Yeah, you got fucking

attitude era.

Okay, guys, here comes the big WrestleMania recap.

Who gives a shit?

Stop pretending like you care.

You're 36.

From what I could gather off of Twitter, a hot woman with red hair won or something.

Tawny Katan.

And she calls herself the man.

So I don't know if that means she's trans, but

they have a transfer.

I don't know.

But I would like to say that.

Bustlebrainia.

Bustlebrainia?

Yeah.

Because you're busting from getting ready.

You're busting.

I don't think much has changed since we used to watch wrestling except Hunter Hurst Helmsley is now with A, them.

Yeah, yeah.

Hunter Bustle.

He's like, if you get my fucking pronouns wrong, brother, brother.

Don't call me he, brother.

Brother, if you if you call me he,

the black guy won the belt, and everyone was like, like, pretend like that was like a did they fuck the boss's daughter, baby.

Did black guys not get to win the belt?

Is it the first time the black guy won the belt?

This time?

I'm just a black guy.

These are the two things I saw on Twitter.

What about the shit?

T, dude?

I don't know.

Did he ever win?

The guy that wrote The Sting directed Down Periscope.

Yeah, there you go.

It's a good movie.

Is it?

I used to like it.

What, you like Down Periscope?

I used to love that shit.

That shit was always on HBO during the day.

I've never seen it.

Yo, your cat is giving me some wild eyes right now.

She's trying to fuck.

What the fuck are you looking at?

Cat's a killer.

She sees me.

I am too killer, dude.

I love a little prey.

Yeah.

Cats are cool because they're apex predators.

Yep.

Dogs are fucking lame.

No,

dogs are cool.

No, dogs are lame.

Nah, dude.

Shut up.

Dogs give you love.

Love, I see.

Yeah, that's because you need it.

Yeah, love is nice, dude.

We all need love.

Nah, that's a weakness.

No.

The only thing I need is to continue my war on terror.

Oh, another big news, Nick.

Listen, I'd love to get your take on it, but the song that's burning up the charts right now is

Lil Lil Nasak's Old Town Road remix featuring

Billy Billy Ray Cyrus.

I don't know any of the words you just said.

I just wanted to get your take.

That was like fucking 15 words of nonsense.

There's a rap song or a rap slash curve.

I just wanted to get your take.

Where a guy raps about being on the Old Town Road, and he got Billy Ray Cyrus to be on it.

From Achy Breaky Heart.

Billy Gay Cyrus.

Next topic.

Moving on.

Thank you, dude.

Thank you.

Knocked it out of the park.

Thank you.

Without even trying.

He's done it again.

Yo, I used to love Achy Breaky Heart as a kid.

That was after Alpha.

It was my

coach's favorite.

Ikey Breaky ass.

First grade.

Did they make you line dance?

Coach G used to make us line dance.

Yeah, we like

what's Coach G's favorite song?

And then he hit his fucking boombox.

It was like, bang, dang, dang, dang, name, dang, bang, dang.

My ass breaks all the time.

Coach G used to make us line dance to

Did he ever fuck you?

Listen, I wasn't lucky enough to have sex with him, but he had sex with a lot of cute friends of mine.

I looked at the, like, line dancing is just dancing for people who don't know how to dance.

Right.

It's like they had to create a handicapped version of land dance.

It's dancing for people who like the rules.

Is it?

They don't like the rules.

You follow the rules of the line.

They can't dance.

There's no artistry to it.

That's the thing.

That's the thing about it.

Unlike Nick, who is a beautiful freestyle dancer.

Oh, yeah, a magnificent dancer.

That's why he's at the gym all the time.

That's the thing about black culture is that they were the first people, black people were the first people to not follow the rules when they danced.

That's when B-boying started.

You hear that?

Break dancing.

You hear that, everyone?

Everyone says that racist thing about Indians.

Now he's saying black people can't follow rules.

No, they were the first to break the rules.

And within breaking the rules, that's where true creativity, artistic creativity, happens.

It's fucked up that you're racist.

And the first online dancer.

Please think about everything.

you're saying.

This is all in Adams' 1952 essay, The Rule-Breaking Negro.

He's cool and he flaps his lips at the policeman,

strutting his way through the urban landscape.

He doesn't answer to anybody.

Listen,

recently emancipated and without question, not facing a single degree of discrimination at this point.

Now, fully unique.

Without any kind of oppression facing him whatsoever, the 1952 cool rule-breaking Negroes answers only to himself.

What is it about these beasts that they can't control themselves?

Me and Bill Buckley.

Just phylum under the great apes.

Once again,

bonobo is different from black people.

Adam wants to say this.

No, not me.

Don't misattribute that.

You've read my essay.

Yeah.

On the rule-breaking

It was 1952.

Essay from Harper's Bazaar.

No, it was in the National Review.

What was that racist essay that Rudyard Kipling wrote?

The White Man's Burton.

The White Man's Burton, yeah.

My man wrote The Jungle Book and some shit that was like...

Well, the book version of the jungle book is...

Is that racist too?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Because all, like, Baloo, Shir Khan, those are all people in the book.

Wait, really?

They're not animals?

No, they're yeah,

they're people.

Oh.

Black people.

Yeah.

I gotcha.

I made another book.

I think they're Indians.

Now that I think about the cartoon's probably more racist than the book is.

Probably.

Well, I don't know.

I've never

read the book nor seen the movie.

Heart of Darkness had some racist shit in it, too, that I remember.

I don't think it's racist to say that Africa.

That Uganda is the heart of darkness.

What's racist?

I literally still remember a thing where I think they called a black guy that was like reading or driving a boat or something, like that looked like a dog in

pants.

Was he compared to

African

Black Africa?

That's like

all literature.

The dark continent?

I made the point before, but all literature is like just, you know, even now you write a book and page one is the N-word and calling something gay.

That's true.

That's why I remember.

That's just our book.

That's the book we're working on, actually.

Yeah, I mean, there's books that are just the N-word right out of the gate.

And then fucking the New York Review of Books is like, wow, this is

really representative of, you know, the zeitgeist.

The intellectual zeitgeist.

I mean, if it's a black guy.

Are you laughing about the Down syndrome guy that loves public intellectuals?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Mikey really wants to be a public intellectual.

I like Noam Chomsky

and

Norman Mayor

and Thomas Sewell.

Yeah, he just, no ideological distinction.

Yeah, yeah.

He likes Norman Miller and Gorvidal.

Well, we got him a bunch of turtlenecks last year for his birthday, but of course he quickly stretched them all out.

He's got a strong neck.

We actually turned the basement into his own talk show.

Yeah.

He has his own roundtable

municipal policy discussion show that he runs down there.

It's nice.

It's a nice little living room setup.

They've changed the direction of the stop signs down on 8th Street.

And a lot of people are recognizing the racial undertones of that decision.

Michael, what do you have to say about him?

It's just a bunch of stuff.

Very good, Michael.

Very, very good.

Very interesting point.

Well, we had to take him to the hospital because he burned himself on his imaginary tea.

We're still not sure how he did it, but he's covered in third-degree burns from spilling an imaginary cup of coffee all all over himself.

Oh, shit.

That is a great guy.

It is.

Yep.

Respect to him.

Damn, you are stuffed as a bitch, huh?

We got sick, Nick.

That sucks, bro.

We got thick stop.

Sick Nick.

I'm thick as hell.

And 32-year-old Adam.

Is it your birthday today?

No, it's in Wednesday.

Wednesday.

So it is today, when the show comes out.

It's today when the show comes out.

Everyone, wish Adam a happy birthday on the internet.

32 years old.

Feels great.

What have you done for your birthday?

What have I done?

We had a nice little party that ended up in the emergency room.

Oh, yeah.

Too much.

Too much cup.

Huh?

Happy birthday.

Me too.

It's not necessary.

Me too.

Jake is always doing this for my birthday.

Happy birthday.

We all know that you raped.

Adam was raped, also.

Adam was raped.

Adam rapes.

Yes, he's a rapist.

That's the direction we're going to go with this all.

I was

happy birthday, me too.

Happy birthday, also.

You're a rapist.

I didn't rape.

I was raped at my first birthday.

Happy birthday.

Rapist.

Rapist, Adam.

Happy birthday, me too.

Okay.

How many times have you done it?

Okay.

I never did it.

But at my first birthday, I was raped, so it's my 31st birthday of my Me Too.

Was it two?

Was it three?

Well, yes, on my second birthday I was at five.

Was it six?

Was it seven?

I was pretty much raped at the birthday.

You were raped for your first birthday?

Are you talking about the moil?

When the moil was a birthday, no, that was not a birthday party.

That was just kind of a private gathering my parents put together.

Some of Adam's victims out there, he had to twist it past.

He was just paying it forward.

Yeah.

Which, if I understand that movie correctly,

it's about a child that rapes yeah yeah

i just got this movie pay it forward it's probably about a couple of mafia guys

knocking the vig up

the focus is about doing favors for people who ain't even part of the family ain't even on their fucking uh daughter's burr uh wedding day i like the part where the kid gets stabbed

does he get stabbed yeah that's cool spoiler hey this movie's pretty cool it's called i am sam it's probably about a guy his His name is Sam, and that's the only thing about him.

What the hell is this?

This guy's retarded.

Oh, fuck.

And

dumb is gay.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Just an Italian guy.

Every movie.

It stretches to every movie.

Yeah,

now it's not even the gay thing anymore.

No.

Pick any movie.

And let's see.

The color purple.

They should call this color black.

The fuck is it called that?

The fuck is this bullshit?

The color purple, my ass.

There's not a single drop of purple in the fucking thing.

It's all black, people.

Fucking piece of shit.

I hate this fucking movie.

Nah, fuck this movie.

The green mile.

There's nothing green in it.

Now it's just he literally.

It just turned into literal.

Yeah, yeah.

The fuck is this?

Air Force One.

I thought it was.

Okay, I guess it's what it is.

That's where it takes place.

The people are trying to steal it over here.

Just show me the fucking plane, huh?

Oh, fuck me, man.

Yeah.

Suck my dick.

I am gay now.

Adam, why won't you fuck?

So, emergency room, huh?

Would you like to describe the scene at the emergency room?

My sister got food poisoning.

That sucks, bro.

And then as we were waiting, she was better.

So then we just left.

But we were there for three and a half hours.

There's some colorful characters, maybe?

Oh, yeah.

There's a little Chinese lady with a walker that was just like...

A little Chinese

Who's just walking around telling everyone to eat her pussy

bitch

Really?

Was she talking like that?

Yeah, how old am I?

Oh, just for the record, none of this happened.

I swear to God.

This did not happen at all.

You know what?

I'm not going to.

I don't misheard this Chinese woman.

Speaking Chinese.

And then he's like, wouldn't it be funny if she was saying, eat my pussy?

The police actually.

There's a black guy there throwing bananas at everyone.

There wasn't, but there was an African guy in a gown with his ass out that was like, give me my clothes back.

He said, this is bullshit.

I don't have to stay here.

I want my clothes.

Respect.

They're like, yeah, it's the hospital.

You're not in jail.

You don't have to stay here.

I demand a lawyer.

Sir, you came in here because there was a pair of scissors in your ass.

Yeah, you got a haircut.

You came in here.

You tried to.

You're demanding someone finish your haircut.

Yeah, you

and take the scissors out of your elbows.

We took them out of the scenes.

You cut your hair.

Just going to the emergency room and taking all of his clothes off.

What are you doing?

He's like, I want my hair cut right now.

Finish my haircut.

I said, somebody cut my hair.

Where do you go to get a haircut?

I do not know

what this place is

or what you are supposed to do here.

All I know is I want my haircut and I want my goddamn clothes back.

They're in a pile right next to you.

You took them off.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, that would be nice to get nude, get a haircut while totally nude.

Yeah.

Feel free.

I went to the spa recently.

Yeah.

It was a great experience.

Which spa?

Spa in somewhere in the

it would be nice after a haircut if they would like s slap my dick around with that that uh like the talcum powder oh yeah or the thing where they massage your neck if they put that on your nuts yeah just a nice little what thing you get a neck massage yeah with someone's hands ah they got a little vibrating shit I go to the Japanese dude you want your whole head massaged oh that's nice yeah I just want your dick talcumed up Nick yeah get all the moisture out of it yeah yeah yeah now that it's springtime, I'm fucking sweaty again.

That's true.

How about Talcum in the middle?

And he's always cool.

He's got his nuts.

Sean?

Sean King.

Sean King.

Talcum in

the middle of the big debate online.

Because he likes Bernie, but he's bad takes otherwise.

Interesting.

His beto called Bibi a racist.

That was kind of cool, honestly.

Yeah, but if that's his only position, fuck it.

He's alright.

Yeah, but you could say Bibi's a racist, but what about the rest of Israel and the existence of Israel?

He's sort of saying that, I guess.

No, he's not.

He's just saying that they'd be fine if they didn't have this one guy.

I don't know, man, whatever.

Sorry, I'm hard to get political on your guys' ass.

I mean, it's better than

him than being Hillary.

No, I know.

I mean, it sucks.

I guess he's.

Do people like him?

I guess they do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some bitch-ass MSNBC type of male ass, type of cracking asses.

What were we talking about right before that?

I don't remember.

Pumpkin season.

An African guy who likes clothes.

Talcoming their cock.

Oh, yeah.

One of Eldis' friends, they had an exchange student from China, and he said that you could go to the barbershop and get your dick sucked and your hair cut for $5.

Imagine that barbershop five, and it's in China, and it's like Cedric just having to suck Chinese guys' dicks.

Man, this is not my, I'm not my shit.

You tell tell Virginia, I've never seen any of those movies.

I tell Virginia.

You tell Virginia,

I'm going back to my detailing service.

I think Cedric doesn't like black people.

I wind up fucking, fucking around in China.

I lived in Shreveport my whole life.

Don't speak a damn word of Chinese.

Barbershop 4 ends with me in a...

a container, a shipping container of some sort.

Getting sex traffic.

Yeah,

in the wrong direction.

The post-credits bumper is Jason Statham is somehow responsible for it.

And here I am now.

China.

We're taking you to Chinese.

We've been taking so many Chinese women away.

We need to replace you.

Listen, motherfucker, I'm not Chinese.

I don't care.

Just get in the container.

I'm taking you home.

How many goddamn times do I got to tell you?

I'm from North Carolina.

We're going back to Hong Kong so you can be with your family.

That's the end.

Motherfucker, I'm a 72-year-old African-American man.

I am not a 16-year-old Chinese girl.

I don't know how to make that more clear to you.

Listen, Li Ping.

There's only two things I know.

Karate and Chinese people.

And how to bring Chinese people back to China.

Your father, the ambassador.

Yeah,

that is how barbershop 4 ends.

You're right.

Just

transport it.

And then barbershop five opens up, says you're getting fucking mouth fucked by a Chinese man.

Still complaining about black people.

Motherfucker, that is a bowl haircut.

The fuck are you mad about?

Ain't nobody coming here and want nothing but bowl haircuts.

I told you I went to that Dominican barbershop in Bushwick that had porn playing on like one of those mini

kitchen TVs.

Honestly, one of those nine-inch

mom has it in the kitchen.

I love that shit.

Yeah.

Did you get a good haircut out of that one?

No, the guy did not speak English, and I did not get a good haircut.

Did you kiss him on the lips?

It was $12.

Did you kiss him on the lips?

Did you kiss him?

What's his name?

There was a kiss.

And you kissed him in your dating now.

What was his name?

Diablo.

You kissed him.

The two of you kissed, and then you had sex.

You had sex.

The two of them kissed each other, and then they became

sex partners together.

Let me ask you this: we've got Ricky here.

How old are you, Ricky?

I'm six.

Ricky, what do you know about homosexuals?

They're bad, Mr.

Cosby.

Oh!

Always said that they're bad.

They're going to hell.

They're what?

Oh,

damn.

Free bill.

I was worried when my sister was

sick the other night that she got Spanish flied.

Yeah.

That was one of the things I was considering.

You know, that shit is fucking poison.

What?

Spanish flies is aphrodisiac.

It's a fucking like neurotoxin.

Yeah, it makes you pass out.

I thought it was Ruthie.

It was sick.

Oh.

I thought it was like an aphrodisiac.

No, that's what Tacostri was given.

No, no.

Oh.

I thought it was like a, like, when people.

It was a cocky mushroom.

Because I had to look it up.

I was like, what the fuck is Spanish fly?

I thought it was something you buy in like a gas station.

It was like, you know,

like one of those boner pieces.

Yeah, you know, like chocolate or something.

Oysters.

People say oysters are an aphrodisiac.

Yeah.

Dude, this cat really is trying to eat me right now, dude.

It's a killer.

Killer.

She's a little fucking juicy morsel.

She's flicking her little tail, staring at you.

Oh, you pet the cat, and then you fuck the cat, and it's ass and it's supposed to be a cat.

I fucked the cat, Mr.

Cosby.

You got to gay sex with a cat.

He should have his own show called Bill Cosby.

It says the most fucked up thing.

The most fucked up thing.

Kids say a bunch of fucked up shit.

Oh,

wild sorts.

I just don't think six million is a reasonable number, Mr.

Cosby.

He said the Holocaust didn't happen.

You heard him say it, folks.

These Holocaust revisionists

have been.

Where are the graves?

Where ain't it?

There's not any graves.

You can't find a single one of them.

All they have is the museum.

Seems like there's more museums than Jews either.

If there were anybody's gonna pull off a big conspiracy like that, it's probably the people that control the media media and entertainment.

Exactly.

Hold on, I'm getting a call from my agent.

He said he dropped me and now I'm being accused of rape

by fifty seven women

and says we're never entering this episode of kids say the darndest things

and that's how it happened.

You're listening to the hotep podcast,

you're listening to Cedric the Entertainer's Hotep Podcast, broadcasting live from Guangzhou Province,

and that's the thing, man.

They set them up like that.

You gotta finish.

What is he, Vietnamese now?

Yeah, yeah.

If only Bill Cosby hadn't tried to buy NBC, man.

Fuck don't you?

Is that Vietnamese?

I don't know.

There's probably language like that.

Probably.

There's people out there just, you know,

casually being like,

that's Vietnamese.

Dude, chill.

Chill out, bro.

Chill out, man.

That's aggressive.

Stop having your language be like that.

I can see why English is the most popular language in the world.

It's chill, bro.

It's very chill.

It's not chill at all.

It probably has nothing to do with anything else.

Nope.

It's probably

people

in far-off countries away from England just heard English from the distance and they were like, let's speak that.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They just heard it.

They were like, hey, guys,

they saw them sailing some English.

Hey, come over here.

Come over here.

You can have all of our spices.

Some stuff and some pussy.

They didn't want them to come.

They didn't want the English to come.

Take our spices and pussy.

Take our spices and pussy.

Yeah.

I want a flag with the don't tread on me snake, but it says take our spices and pussy.

And that's how the British got everything.

Take our spices and pussy.

Come over here, guys.

Plenty of pussy.

This is actually the original.

This is the actual flag, the original flag of Canada.

It's a snake that says, please tread on me, take our spices and pussy.

It's a little snake wearing a headdress.

It says, take our spices.

That's true.

Oh, fuck.

No, man.

Guys, people used English to oppress the world,

enslave the world, rape the world, steal all their resources.

No chance.

Polkadon country.

Fuck them.

No, you guys don't know the real history behind this.

What history?

Behind the English language.

Carlin Zinn.

i'm reading i forget i forget who i was talking to the other day but

like dan carlin's hard r history came up again and it was a girl and she was like she was like wait for real

we were like yeah dan carlin has two podcasts

she was like no way

She's like, yeah, you should check it out.

It's the same exact one, but he says the N-word random.

It's the same guy, and he uses

the hard R N-words.

Isn't that crazy?

Because you know he drops a soft A every once in a while on the regular one.

Yeah, sometimes he messes up.

Yeah.

Well, that's the rule, right?

Is that all people can use soft A, but only black people can use hard R?

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think why don't you drop a couple right now?

What?

Why don't you say some of them?

You already said one slur on the show.

It's on my birthday.

What slur?

It is your birthday, that's true.

Yeah, we did wish you a very nice happy birthday.

You guys didn't sing that.

You said that I was a rapist in your birthday song.

But we also said happy birthday.

You fucking accused me of doing one of the worst crimes a person can do.

What, faking a hate crime?

That is pretty terrible.

Trying to start a race war by faking a hate crime.

The worst crime of all

to get revenge on the Mueller report.

To revenge it.

Oh, fuck.

What's going on with that stuff?

Is it good?

Mueller report?

I'm not even kissing my girlfriend until I see the full thing.

Me too, dude.

I got to see the full unredacted Mueller report.

It'd be great if they release it and it's 3,000 pages.

Like, Trump's bad.

Orange Cheeto, bad guy.

We don't like him.

Oh, this guy's a real piece of work.

It's just ridiculous.

This is just Michael Ian Black's tweets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That That would be pretty funny, huh?

It would be good.

Yeah.

That would be good.

Oh,

what do you got there?

Yeah, no collusions.

Did you hear what he said?

It's a witch hunt.

Rigged witch hunt.

It's a rigged witch hunt.

Harvey Weinstein was a really influential guy.

I got to blow my nose again.

You got to blow your nose, bro.

Damn, Nick, you're sick, Christian.

We should go get some spicy food after this or something.

Spicy food is.

It clears out your sinuses.

Yeah, but it fucks up your stomach.

Yeah, if you got a weak ass little bitch-ass stomach.

Come on, man.

What?

You know Nick's stomach isn't like

he's not like a.

Oh, you're accusing me?

He doesn't have a Punjabi-style stomach.

Yeah.

He's got a weak Irish stomach.

We all know that.

That's true.

It's only supposed to eat potatoes and shit.

And blood sausage.

What are you talking about, my stomach?

You're a weak Irish stomach.

Oh, yeah.

I was saying we should get some spicy foods to clear out your sinuses.

I used, actually, actually, it was up until like this year, I had no problem with spicy food.

Yeah, I mean, people used to do that joke about, like, you know, oh, yeah, I ate an Indian food last night.

Now I'm shitting it all out.

Right.

It's worse on the way out than it is on the way in.

I never understood that.

I'm like, you don't have taste buds in your ass.

What are you talking about?

I do.

That's why I love getting fucked in the ass so much.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I love the taste of cock.

Yeah, that's why I'm scared.

That's why I put lollipops in my ass.

I was the most popular guy in prison because I'd smuggle Jolly Ranchers in there.

They call me El Piñata.

But isn't that because it burns on the bottom?

They call me Piñata, bro.

Piñata.

Because I got a bunch of candy hidden in my ass.

I'm the most popular papachuco in prison.

I get jumped by everyone and the candy flies out of my ass.

Queso wero, brother.

I got a fucking candy.

I got so much candy in my ass, it's like a birthday party in here.

It's like a birthday.

I'm turning the whole jail into a fucking birthday party.

That's the piñata.

Nobody's going to fuck because it's see, look, man, that's the thing, man.

I'm 5'1, 78 pounds.

You know, I'm coming in here.

I know they're going to try and ask sex with me.

All right?

I look like Joe C.

Joe C.

All right, bro.

R.I.P.

to a legend.

I'm wearing the largest size they got at Oshkosh.

I'm still swimming in these clothes.

You know?

And that's why I said I'm trying to not get my ass, my poo, what's my culo, my kulo, my kulo, uh,

rape chucho.

So I'm like, you know,

why don't I tell people my name's a pinata?

And I filled my ass with candy.

Because everybody guys, everybody's going to get mad at the guy that fucks all the candy.

Right, that's true.

That's, you know, that fucks it up for everyone.

But I, hey, man, I'm going around like doing little break dances, that acting like a little vending machine.

I'm sitting out fucking Tootsie Rolls and Airheads in the middle of the of the recreation area

and they're like, Man, Josie's cool as shit.

I'm like, No, I I was trying to go by the piñata, but you know, whatever, they can call me Josie if they want, as long as they don't rape me, as long as I'm not getting getting rep rapa pupa

rapo.

And as long as these repistas

these repa pistas stay away from me, Rapatistas.

It's a good name, dude.

The piñata.

It's a five-foot-one Mexican guy that's got a bunch of candy shovels.

All in his colon.

Just feel.

Yeah, I'm ordering.

How do they keep getting candy in there?

I'm the warden.

Yeah, right.

God damn it, we gotta stop this guy.

Yep.

That'd be fun.

A movie like Animal House, but it's about a prison gang.

Aryan Brotherhood.

Look at me.

I'm the human zit.

And he just shits cum all over

his mouth is full of humans.

Look at me, I'm a human, I'm a human zit.

And he just, yeah,

all over some guy's face.

Mouth full of cum arts come in the cafeteria.

Yeah,

there's some like 19-year-old kid that got caught with like

marijuana and he's just nervously trying to take a shower, and they're all like watching him as he takes his clothes off.

A woo guy.

Yeah, yeah.

animal gang

animal gang raped that 19 year old boy

rape around the clock tonight

yeah

what's great what's gregory marmillard's deal he's like a in the area brotherhood gregory marmelard i say we're gonna going to become the finest group of gang robbers.

Oh, that guy.

Yeah, Gregory.

The rich guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gregory Marlard.

That's his name?

Gregory Marmillard?

Gregory Marmillard.

That's a fucking awesome name.

I know.

The actor or the Marmillard?

Greg Marmillard is

the rich guy in Animal House.

I think.

Or it's Revenge of the Nerds.

I can't remember.

All I know is.

Oh, wait,

I remember as a kid, people like those movies.

I'm like, well, I'm not going to college.

This will never.

No thanks.

you didn't want to go to parties?

No.

The socializing aspect?

No, fuck that.

More school, and it's optional.

They don't even have to go to school.

They get to rock out at parties.

Yeah, I don't know.

And their house is messy, too.

Damn, that's so wild.

I don't.

Yeah, I guess I always assumed I was like, we lost the fucking bar.

Right?

Marmalard.

Remy says that at some point.

Who says that?

Bouceceme is like standing outside and he's like, we lost the bar.

And then he downs that thing of Jack Daniels.

Oh, Oh, I don't know.

I just remember seeing Tits and you.

Bushemi?

No, it's not Buscemi.

Yeah, the other one.

The dead guy.

Belushi.

Belushi.

Wow.

Is Steve Buscemi the third Belushi brother?

Yeah.

He was just so ashamed of Jim that he wanted to change his last name.

That's a good take, man.

Thanks, brother.

What are they?

Some sort of Armenian type?

They're Albanian.

Oh, sorry.

Sounds like Albanians are the superior of the two.

Don't even dare say that shit.

Eldest, the Buscemi brothers.

Those are three of the funniest people I know.

Liza Dushku.

Liza Dushku.

Dushku?

She's hot.

She's hilarious, too.

Yeah, they got some good guys, honestly.

But, fuck them.

We got Telly Savalis.

Kojak.

You got Uncle Jesse.

We got Uncle Jesse.

We got Jennifer Aniston.

No one wants to talk about that.

Her name's like

Anastinopoulos or some shit like that.

Jennifer Anus Stain.

Anus Stain.

Anus Stain.

She just get her asshole bleached.

Yep.

Unveil my spec script for friends, in which Rachel has to get her asshole bleached.

They're like, you understand the character's name is Rachel, right?

So no one told you life was fucking something.

Handing in a spec script to an agent, and I've written the lyrics to the theme song.

It takes up four pages.

I don't know.

I know this is supposed to be like 22 pages, but I figured it was commercials and shit.

You have to put like maybe this would be.

Yeah, this would be like a

PSA or like a breaking news thing.

So there's going to be extra time in between.

But basically, in this one, Rachel goes and gets her asshole bleached, but but the doctor's horny so

he keeps coming and is doctor

bleaching your ass

a fundamental misunderstanding of every part of

the doctor keeps coming and he gets some cum on her ass and then when she's fucking Ross later he's like what the what the hell is this fucking cum she's like I wanted to get my

my asshole bleached for you as a surprise because

the doctor was horny

And then

we find out that really it was because there was a video of Joey from one of his acting gigs on the TV while he was doing the asshole bleaching.

And the doctor's like, Ross, I didn't come on Rachel's ass.

It was because I'm gay.

And there's this guy, Joey, on TV.

Yeah.

Who's gay?

But the doctor's name is Dr.

Beverly something.

And so he's like.

It turns out Dr.

Beverly was just coming because of Joey.

Then Joey's like, Chandler, this is hot chick Beverly or whatever.

And they think

it's a chick.

Yeah, he thinks it's a girl.

So Joey's.

That's a classic story.

Joey and Chandler are sitting in the living room

mutually masturbating to the idea of a female doctor.

They're leather chairs.

And then

Jennifer comes in, and

they're like, you know, she walks in.

She's like, did Ross tell you what happened?

And they're like, yeah, we're both masturbating to that female female doctor.

And she's like, female?

And then it's a tight shot on Joey.

And it's like,

next, coming up on Seinfeld.

Coming up on Fraser.

I love that the doctor.

I just imagine the doctor.

Rachel's ass knocking on the door to explain.

Oh, by the way, Ross.

It's not that I wanted to fuck Rachel.

Like, he knows Ross.

Ross confronts him.

He's like, you came on my girlfriend's ass.

You let he just knocked on the door.

No, no.

Ross is like, I'm going to go see this fucking doctor.

So

Ross shows up to the doctor's office and he has to borrow a leather jacket from Joey to look tough.

He's like, I'm worried I'm not going to be tough enough.

So Ross shows up.

And he's wearing all Joey's leather stuff.

Leather pants, leather jackets.

So he's got a leather jacket on, no pants, because Joey didn't have any, a little leather hat.

And he shows up completely nude under otherwise.

And the doctor is like, what's going on?

He's like, you came on my girlfriend's ass, and that's rape.

And he's like, it's not.

I'm gay.

You can't tell anyone.

Obviously, you know, he's like, I'm gay.

And then, you know, so then later, Ross is like, the doctor's gay.

They're like, the doctor's not gay.

It's like, and then, but, I don't know, a cameo from Jack from Will and Dice.

He's like, gay people only tell other gay people that they're gay.

And then Ross realizes that the doctor thinks he's gay because he showed up wearing a leather daddy outfit.

Well, that might not work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because he just wants to look tough.

But he looks like a leather daddy.

Anyways, that's my spec script.

That's a classic mix-up.

That's a classic mix-up.

That's my spec script for friends.

I hate that when you try to look tough.

The big Hollywood hunters.

I love it, dude.

Yeah.

I love that shit.

Well,

folks, I got to tend to my nose here.

And then go get my laundry before

the fucking shit closes.

That's right.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

Starting in May, we're going to be doing funny moms every Monday except the first Monday of the month.

So come out to that.

And we're there on the 22nd.

All right.

Goodbye, everybody.

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