Ep. 151 – Pussy for lobster
rip to the church
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I'm going to take a little break there.
Adam got a little too racist.
Yeah, dude.
For the guests, he was telling us.
He's fucked up, man.
He's telling us some.
He went to the Bernie Sanders Town Hall in Bethlehem.
All blackface, fully in blackface.
Fully in blackface.
He's like, we got too many Chinese popping off the key.
And people are like, aren't you Adam Friedland from the Come Town Podcast?
He's like, nah, dog, I'm a black guy that hates Chinese people
trying to
trying to
sow discord among the yang gang
oh interesting you went as a yang double agent yeah double agent well
I'm working for yeah right much like most sinister Jews I keep it open for the double triple corruption it would be it would be hilarious
to a CNN town hall and then like you know they have all their planted guests and then you just get up in in blackface and be like, excuse me, as a black man,
I was wondering why we commit so many crimes.
And
what kind of laws you would pass to kill people like me who just love doing crimes.
And carrying guns often, by the way, that they can't find afterwards.
What are we going to do about this disappearing gun problem that blacks have?
As a black man, I'm worried that we're getting too good at hiding our firearms, which we're illegally allowed to have in Obama's America.
I'm afraid we're drawing too much suspicion to good cops with our disappearing guns.
Yeah, dude, that was fucked up that you did that, Adam.
Yeah, Garfield Lasagna, who is a welfare collector from Toledo, Ohio.
How are you doing, Garfield Lasagna?
Do you remember that?
L apostrophe Z-A-N-Y-A.
Do you remember that video?
Who's that
Just on the Chiron.
Garfield.
L apostrophe.
Garfield.
How you doing?
I'm currently employed as a man who collects welfare.
As you know, I live in the projects
with a BMW.
I got a BMW Escalade.
Satellite TV.
And I have a microwave as well.
I have a microwave and I live off candy.
I get to eat nothing but candy all day long, which proves how nice I have it.
Welfare candy.
That I have the same food that you can purchase in a for-profit prison, which I will probably end up in sooner rather than later.
I want to know why I'm not paying my fair share of taxes,
why I don't do any of my work, why I'm so lazy.
Can you answer that, Mr.
Bernie Sanders?
Well, I'll tell you, Mr.
Lasagna,
I think it's a uh uh uh real shame that Amazon is also doing the things that you're doing.
We ain't talking about Amazon right now.
We're talking about Amazon.
Listen here, brother cousin.
Y'all, you leave the job, creatos out of it.
The bread bear and blackface just drunk.
You're the moderate.
I was just wondering
why colored fellas like myself
hate going to work
so dang much,
Mr.
Bernie Sanders?
And what do you plan to do to deal with the guys like me who are probably part of the Muslim Brotherhood?
Hi, yeah,
my name is Turtis Lesheshawan.
I was just wondering
as a Black Lives Matter member,
I can't wait to kill police officers.
And I want to know why I'm posed to go to damn college.
This is the third clearly in black face man you've asked questions.
You've brought the last questions here.
I don't understand why there's so many African Americans here whose lips extend all the way up to the nose.
It seems to be painted onto their face.
We're going to have to take a break here.
There's a fire alarm that goes off, and the fucking sprinklers go off.
Lou Dobbs
stumbling in with his feet bound and a geisha outfit on.
I also have a question.
Why did we get to home here and go Harvard?
Why did we go Harvard?
That's a very good question.
Mrs.
Ling Ling, was it?
Yeah.
God damn.
Shouts out to Bernie the God, though.
Yeah.
Sucking off Fox News out there.
I'll tell you, here we are at the Bethlehem Steel Stacks.
And, you know, a lot of people used to work here, and they can't anymore because I'm gay.
What?
Oh,
sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean the last part.
That's just what is always constantly running through my head.
I get confused and I think I'm gay
sometimes.
Who amongst us has not considered himself to be a homosexual from time to time?
Every single member of this country has had gay thoughts.
Every single person in this country has had gay thoughts.
It It is natural.
What is unnatural is these corporations paying no federal tax.
No get federal taxes.
Look, I made $570,000 last year because I filmed a sex tape
with David Hasselhoff.
And it was a very good sex tape.
Maybe you should look it up.
And if there's anyone that thinks I should apologize for sodomizing,
doing a Baywatch porn parody and sodomizing David Hasselhoff, I'm not going to do it.
Maybe you should get Donald Trump up here and ask him why he had sex with David Hasselhoff.
Woo!
Yeah!
Woo!
Brittany!
Woo!
Yes, yes, ma'am.
That is correct.
That is correct, ma'am.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Bernard, dude, when's motherfucking when's a finger-popping joe gonna be in the race, officially?
I just wanted to ask you a question.
Yeah, my name is Pontiac Bonneville.
I wanted to know why.
Why
the damn sneakers ain't free?
I believe you are the same man who claimed to be Garfield Lasagna from earlier, but wearing a hat now.
Why come they ain't let the brothers kill the president?
That's who I want to know.
Do you remember Shane Obama when they did that video?
Shit, we are up here trying to kill motherfucking Donald Trump.
The police says we could.
They did that video where that white kid dressed up like a pimp and then went to Acorn.
That credit letting.
And they were like, we fucking got him.
But it was that fucking
white boy just wearing a mink coat.
Yeah.
Who's like basically doing
blackfish?
I mean, they basically have tried to do that in terms of like gotcha.
What's the gotcha?
What is Acorn about?
I think he was trying to say that he wanted to get a loan for his hose or something.
I forgot.
I actually have, I don't even remember.
Oh, so the joke is that when you do an obvious prank,
the bank tells you to fuck off.
No, what is Acorn?
They weren't.
It's like a community lending thing.
Oh, what?
Maybe I'm.
I don't even know.
Oh, and the Acorn costume.
All I remember is that the guy dressed up like a pimp.
That's good shit, man.
But in the most obvious Halloween costume.
That was a big Halloween costume.
The purple ass pink or the purple ass pimp uniform.
Oh, yeah.
The big hat.
You can't do that anymore with this PC culture, can you, guys?
Yeah, because you're a camera.
You can't do a pimps and hoes parties.
Klama.
Cosmo Klama.
Oh, yeah.
Klama did ruin it.
Yeah.
This is all.
Yeah,
how are you doing, Mr.
Bernie Sanders?
I just want to say Kramer was right.
And for starters, Kramer was right.
And secondly, I love rape.
And everyone who looks like me does.
I love raping white women.
These are very peculiar questions.
I don't exactly understand what we are covering here today.
Yeah, how you doing?
I was wondering if I...
My name is KB Toys.
I live off scratch off lottery tickets.
I was wondering,
is you going to let the brothers beat their dick in the library?
What are you going to pass in Laws saying the brothers can beat their dick in the library?
Well, we are certainly going to fund public projects like libraries.
Folks, you saw these questions asked here.
We are not making these people up.
This is Obama's America.
Donald Trump's been president for years now.
These are the people who live in Obama's America.
I wish, dude.
Yeah, my name's Suitcase Car Wash.
I was wondering,
when is there going to be a law that says everybody gets gold teeth?
I try to have a
shiny smile.
You know what I'm saying?
What is your question?
Why come they got gold teeth on the money?
Oh, fuck.
Yep.
That's a little political take, a little satire for you guys.
Uh-huh.
It's Fox News putting people in black face to ask questions.
Yep.
Yeah.
That's our packet.
How are you doing?
I'm a middle-class black man that's never experienced any kind of racism at all in these towns.
Who's had it easy and has only profited off of affirmative action?
In fact, I find that the real racists are black people.
And
I just want to say that white people are cool.
The dick's dick's big.
They could have danced.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck, man.
What was it?
Yeah, I was.
I have a tattoo of John McCain on
my back.
Nah, John McCain's not cool, is he?
They like John McCain.
Do they?
Yeah.
Even though Trump hit him up, dude.
Fox News loves John McCain.
Still?
Yeah.
I thought they're Trump's guys.
No, John McJohn.
I mean, some of them are, but like, John McCain is like the
Republican.
I don't think any more for those folks.
Well, he's dead.
Yeah, he's dead.
No, he got cucked, dude.
Yeah, he's a cuck.
No, everybody loves John McCain.
Trump cucked him.
Trump fucked Cindy.
And then she called the police on a mixed-race mother and child
for child sex trafficking.
Dick had her so good.
Dick had her making up a
sex trafficking.
You know, I heard that Donald Trump actually came in John McCain's mask for his fighter jet
back in in the day.
I didn't know that.
And that's what caused him to crash.
That's why it crashed.
Yeah, is that he was like,
10-4, Ghost Maverick, I'm going to take.
What the fuck?
A toolkit.
There was something.
I think Donald Trump's cum is in my plane mask.
Donald, tricky Donald, put his cum in my jet mask.
What do you think Don was doing when Jamaica was in Vietnam?
Was he just raping
so much pussy?
Yeah.
Yeah, he was getting pussy like a smart person.
Because he said what he had to do.
He's about going to war like a loser.
Oh, I would have gotten out of that shit.
Hell yeah.
My nuts are too heavy to go to war.
I would have had my rabbi write a letter.
Yeah.
He's too Jew.
He's too Jewish.
Yeah, Stav got four-inched from the military.
That's right.
They filed a four-inch on him.
That's right.
Sorry, sir.
Your dick is too small to go to war.
If the Japanese see it, fold,
they already think they're the best race.
That's the only thing we have over there.
It's a cunning trick because those four-inch guys are now fucking those big dick soldiers' wives.
That's right.
Right?
Oh, dude.
So it's a certain amount of people.
I would have been here.
I would have been here fucking every GI's bitch, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
Yep.
I would have been...
Yeah, but you know that's not how
the big dick guys stayed in America.
The small dick guys are like, I have to go kill people.
Yeah, they have to serve their country.
Yeah.
And he goes to your country.
Yeah, that's true.
I would have been the umpire in a league of their own.
Gotten Rosie that way.
Yeah.
Gotten sucked off by Rosie.
Rosie.
Gotten sucked off by Madonna.
Rosie again.
Gina Gershon.
Back to Rosie.
Back to Rosie for that fucking ample pussy.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
We get tired of those.
I'll be an information broker.
A North African information broker.
That's my thing.
In World War II?
Yeah, sitting in a cafe in Morocco and be like, yeah, I know a little bit about this Hitler guy.
Wearing a sarsaparilla?
Yeah, white suit, panama hat.
Yes, sir.
A classic.
Yes, sir.
You got an ape feeding me dates.
I would have been on the dog.
A little rhesus monkey that runs around and steals coins from people and brings them to me.
And I go, thank you, Adam.
You'd name your monkey Adam?
What did you just say?
What?
What did you just say?
I thought you said you'd have a monkey.
Sorry, I think you're hallucinating.
I don't hear the monkey say anything.
No,
he said you named your monkey Adam, but it sounded like the young man.
I don't think so.
So if you want to edit that.
I didn't say that.
It sounds a lot like it.
I would be on the docks during the war.
We got it baked in.
I think.
Even on the docks?
Yeah,
I would be
boosting morale for
the seamen.
Whatever they keep doing.
But really, what I would be doing is spying on the unions and then ratting them out to the government.
Nice.
That's what Meyer Lansky did during the war.
Who's Meyer Lansky?
He was like,
Go Green was based on
Godfather?
Okay, keep talking.
I'm interested.
The way the gangs worked in New York back in the day was in the 1800s, they were all Irish guys.
Right.
And then the Italians and Jews came over, and the Irish were like, oh, well, we'll just start an even bigger gang called the Police Department.
And then they all became cops.
Salute.
Yeah, and then the Italian and Jews were like, The Italians are like, Yo, we'll be the ones that boss people around, and you can count all the money.
And then that's where it was.
And then everyone but the Italians got out of it.
They were like, Nah, this is cool.
Yeah, we're gonna keep doing crime.
I was laughing earlier about like, so you didn't like Notre Dame or burned Notre Dame.
Yeah.
It burned down.
The gay ass little church everyone sat about.
Yeah.
Fuck that church.
Well, it burned.
What's your take?
What's your...
Fuck it.
I don't care.
Yeah.
It's a gay-ass church.
Yeah.
Why?
I don't give a fuck that it burned down.
It's historic, dude.
Whatever, dude.
There's other churches.
They invented flying buttresses.
What's that?
It's like the way they break the wall.
They got a drone that has butt cheeks, flying butt cheeks.
No.
What, Notre Dame had some kind of architecture that you like?
Well, it was like historically significant.
Who cares, dude?
Fuck that shit.
I mean, it's not even burned down.
It's like one-third of the roof and the spire.
It'll be all right.
Anyways, I was laughing earlier about it.
So it burned down because it's like they were doing renovations or whatever, and it's just imagining just the like
just fucking Staten Island General Contracting Company that had that contract.
They're like, Yeah, we cut a couple of corners.
You know, you got to make money on the back end.
What a buddy.
You know,
you want to keep your building fancy.
You know, maybe spend a little bit more cash.
Well, now they can put an even cooler fucking spire on it.
I do not know why
we let the Scaparelli's general contractor
fix the church.
Why we do this again?
They fuck us in our ass.
Just a bunch of fucking stucco.
Yeah.
Just a shitty ass.
Are you glad it burned down because of colonialism?
Yeah, dude.
Like, I give a fuck about that.
Yeah, dude, Sava's just like,
always always trying to talk about Syria.
Always trying to talk about Yemen.
You know, the real problems.
Not some fucking Mayo-ass cracker ass building.
Dude, no one would have known about that shit if it wasn't for that fucking Disney cartoon.
And I guess before Tarzan.
It was a book.
Yeah.
I believe.
For real, though.
Aren't there like a bunch of fucking shit?
Is that Victor Hugo?
Yeah, I think so.
Hugo?
What else is it?
Is it Hugo or Hugo?
I think people say Hugo.
Do they?
I don't know.
I don't know how to pronounce it.
Did you write the Count of Monte Cristo?
Is Jules Verne's name Jules Verne?
Yeah, Leonardo Caprio, dude.
Slam.
Do you say Jules Verne is Jules Verne, or is it something different?
Yeah, like Uls Vernia.
I don't, I don't, I never give it.
What did Hugo?
What else did Hugo write?
No.
That's a good one.
Was that?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
No, like.
No, Count of Monte Cristo was Alexander Dumas.
Dumas, yeah.
Dumas.
But that one, you do say, like, Dumas.
That was
that was the three Musketeers, it was Alexander Dumas.
Victor Hugo was Les Miz.
What's the one with the guys in an iron mask?
That was Jerry Bruckheimer.
Yeah.
No, no.
Isn't that Count of Monte Cristo?
That was Nicholas Sparks.
That was the man of the Iron Mask.
The man in the Iron Mask was the one with the guy in the Iron Master.
That's not Count of Monte Cristo.
Oh,
that's right.
I thought that.
What about the cask of a Montellato?
I confused those
five minutes minutes ago.
The cask of a montelado, where you put a motherfucker, your enemy, in the motherfucking basement, wall his ass up, say goodbye, bitch.
I'm about to fuck your bitch.
Yeah, it is Victor Hugo.
He wrote Hunchback and Notre Dame.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What else did he write?
Was he a one-hit wonder?
No, Lameiz.
Lame is and Hunchback and Notre Dame.
Oh, shit.
That's a nice twosome right there.
Wait, is Hunchback and Notre Dame a fucking musical?
No,
that was later.
They made a musical out of that, brother.
One of my favorite songs.
One of my favorite songs from the movie is when the hunchback tries to get through the alphabet.
Every time he gets to F, they beat the shit out of him because he's confused.
I was sitting around the house by myself laughing about teaching an immigrant the alphabet song, but you teach him all the wrong letters.
So he's like,
I-M-G-A-Y-I-S U-C-K-D-I-C.
Yeah, it's the same letters, but
he doesn't know even though it's the same exact alphabet.
Yeah, isn't it basically the same?
It's the same
you'd have to find like a Chinese guy, dude,
who has no idea what the letters are.
I-L-O-V-E-D-I-C-K-S-U-C-K-I-N-G-D-I-C-K-I-A-M-G-K-K-Y.
Mr.
Lee, that's not the alphabet.
Mr.
Lee, someone's led you astray.
He said it's a gym test.
We have to write the alphabet, the American alphabet, and he wrote, I love sucking dick.
Yeah, he's just writing it down.
He's just like,
he's
singing the song.
Everyone in the class is looking at him like.
Well, that's something you can bet on at Bet the SI.
Oh, yeah.
Bet the SI, figure out what the alphabet is.
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You know?
A lot of people don't know.
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Yeah, I'm good over here.
Two years ago, you could have.
I was just checking something we said earlier.
What were you checking?
About if Alexander Dumas also did Counter Monte Cristo.
Did he?
He also did.
And Three Musketeers.
Yeah.
Two books.
We can count on that at betthesi.com, the premier counting website.
Oh, dude.
You want to count to seven.
You want to count to twelve.
Four.
Yeah.
110.
A lot of our listeners don't haven't learned counting.
Not yet.
They're learning counting.
That's where the alphabet.
If you don't know the alphabet, the one Nick just did, that's the alphabet.
So do that.
Say that to people.
People complain about the alphabet episodes, but there are.
I'd I'd say 65 to 70% of our listeners don't know the alphabet episode.
That is true.
This is sort of like an offshoot of Sesame Street.
Absolutely.
Sesame 2 Street.
Where Elmo got fucked.
Elmo got raped.
In a trash.
Yeah, Oscar the Grouch.
Guess what's on the bottom of that trash can?
Harvey Weinstein's dick.
They're like trying to force Oscar's head down with the lid of the trash can.
That's right to suck that little fucking.
He's like, I can't stop.
It's too late.
It already happened once.
Now I think it's a net positive for my career.
Almost doesn't like this hellish existence.
Anyways, you can bet on BetDSI.com.
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They got an award-winning mobile
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Not an app, we've learned.
It's not an app.
It's just a movie.
Their mobile website is award-winning.
Yeah.
Why would they need an app?
How the fuck don't they have
they didn't win an award either?
I've just been saying that.
I guess I was.
I never looked at the copy until last week.
Yeah, apparently
they don't have an app at all, which is fuck apps.
Well, I mean, yeah, I guess.
There's a lot of websites where, like, I never use the Patreon app.
I just use the fuck, I use Safari on my phone, you know, because it's better to just use that.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of things don't have apps.
Yeah, you need apps.
I'm trying to do that.
That's why they won all those awards.
Yep.
You know, there's too many apps.
You go in the app store, and it's like just
Chinese kids pumping out apps thinking this is going to be the next one.
Yeah, it's a new game where you shine flashlight at dog.
There is a lot of games where either the I get a lot of Instagram ads where it's like it looks like Family Guy, but they're cavemen.
You guys ever get those ads?
No.
Maybe those are targeted.
I think the algorithm just figured out something about your brain.
Just wanting to get away from it.
This guy's definitely one of those Simpsons caveman kind of fellas.
That's our demo.
Yeah, my favorite is the one where it's like, you won't last five minutes playing this game without coming.
Is it because I'm bad at it?
I don't.
Right.
Why won't I last...
Does the game suck?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're making it seem like this game sucks.
It does suck.
Yeah.
Easy-to-use mobile playing interface, play when you get paid.
They offer odds on pretty much everything else, too, even though we haven't mentioned anything yet.
No, that's my favorite part of the copy.
This is a copy.
Bet the SI has been in business over 20 years paying winners.
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Bet the SI offers odds on pretty much everything else, too.
I mean, I guess you can assume that.
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You know, how many black people are going to be at the Fox News Town Hall event?
Reality TV, pretty much everything.
Bet the SI is a great mobile app.
Oh, I guess they do have an app.
Whoa.
Yeah, the surprise twist is you keep reading the copy, and they're just...
Oh, they have an app.
You know what?
Last week, the first time I read the copy, I only went two talking points in.
This time I've gone four, and now it turns out they do have an app.
Whoa.
If we find out that they've won awards, I'm going to be.
This is going to be fucked up.
This is going to be great.
They have a great mobile app, easy to use from anywhere.
We did know that.
Remember that part?
That's why we said it.
Shut up.
That's why we've been saying it for weeks.
Come on.
Come on, man.
You're right.
You're right.
Come on.
Give it a sec.
Just relax.
Chilled.
Will you relax?
I'm chilled.
You're getting all worked up.
I'm chillaxed.
You're worked up, dude.
You're about to start staying.
You have some tasty vibes.
You're about to start stating racist stuff.
I know.
Yeah, dude.
Don't make us start the episode over again.
You don't have to do it again, dude.
We did 45 minutes of classic stuff.
It's just a word.
Adams.
You should have given them a startup.
We're going to have a quote-unquote sneezing.
Kept blaming him on his allergies.
Well, I'm allergic to the cat.
The cat makes me say the word.
Yeah, you said you were allergic to cats, referring to guys who play jazz music.
Oh, yeah, those kind of couple
older gentlemen.
The old brothers.
They offer live in-game wagering.
You can make plays throughout the entire game and event.
I love a play.
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What's the smart money doing?
Smart plays.
Smart plays?
That's a bad play, Leo.
You bet against the Warriors.
Jeez, Tommy.
I don't even know what the odds are.
And you know what?
Smart Money's probably to bet on the Nuggets.
I haven't looked at the odds.
They're going to beat the Spurs.
Spurs are up game one.
I think that game's tonight.
So yeah, you would won't hear it.
What is today?
I don't know.
Today is Tuesday.
Tomorrow the episode comes up.
Gotcha.
So maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong.
But you know what?
Bet on the fucking Bucs to win the whole goddamn thing.
Fuck the Warriors.
They just dropped a stunner to the clips.
I would have to lit on the Warriors in the next game because they're not going to fuck up after
the 31-point lead.
But exactly.
There won't be.
People, I think, credibly think the Spurs can win the Nugget, the Nugget series.
No one thinks the Clippers are going to win that series.
Yeah.
If anything, the lines are going to go the other way, I would think.
What do I know?
I just have a nice hard dick.
I hope I live to see the Chinese invade and just erase all of our culture.
Except Bass.
It would be good.
No, everything.
No more podcasts, nothing.
There's no games, nothing.
Because it would be nice to get to the end of your life and you're like, oh, it's all meaningless.
Yeah.
I know it is, but to have something that makes it feel real.
Right.
By being imprisoned by the Chinese.
This is a constant trope that you bring up a lot.
I don't know.
You can't wait to be imprisoned by the Chinese.
I think about it pretty often.
Bet.
Will the Chinese be our new overlords?
Yeah.
Using promo code.
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Why did we only have to go to Harvard?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Six foot seven.
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Let's start the show.
Let's start it.
Yeah.
Okay.
But it's
under dasi.
Under the sea.
Every time I go to see your breasts, you do not show me why.
I want to pinch her breasts.
As a lobster, there's one thing I want to do: it's to pinch Ariel.
I want to pinch her nipples.
Flounder, please.
Please help me pinch her nipples.
I want to so bad.
Little mermaid, fucking Sebastian.
Definitely, that's definitely.
That definitely has to exist.
Do you think his dick is huge?
Him putting his claw in her pussy and and just opening her.
Or is she just using her whole.
Yeah, is she just putting the whole lobster in her pussy, do you think?
Or do you think he's drawn with a dick the size of his body?
I don't know.
Sebastian sex.
I'm wondering what this.
Adam, what do you think?
How do you think the sex is?
How is Sebastian folks?
He kind of looks like Anthony Coomey, though.
He does, actually.
Oh, wow.
No, it makes that face.
Definitely.
Yeah.
I guess he is kind of like a rapist lobster.
In a way.
In a metaph metaphorically speaking.
Yeah, metaph metaph
yeah.
Metaph damn.
Yeah, I mean
anything for them fucking?
I think that he would probably put his claw into her pussy and then open it up, sort of like to en enlarge the hole.
Why not put his tail in there and flap around a little bit?
Oh, lobster tail.
Well, he is a lobster, which means that he's probably really into Jordan B.
Peterson.
Mm-hmm.
So
he's probably into.
Because doesn't Jordan Peterson talk about lobsters?
I don't know.
He's probably into more traditional forms of sex, like
quiet fucking.
Oh, yeah, nothing like a quiet fuck, dude.
Missionary quiet.
Do you ever go to a silent disco, a silent rave?
Well, I do silent disco for sex.
That's what I mean.
I put me, two headphones.
Me and my sexual partner are you wearing this noise-canceling headphones?
Somebody combined Nigel Thornberry and Ursula.
Oh, I hate that.
That sucks.
It's terrible.
Yeah.
Under my balls.
Under my balls.
I have a rash under my little balls head.
I can't wait to fuck Ariana.
You're not going to get the fucker.
Sebastian.
I want it.
You're a lobster.
The only thing I want is to fuck a pussy.
What would you even do with mermaid pussy?
Shut up, bitch.
Oh, here's a good one.
Shut up.
You are a gift faggot.
Hey, man.
You are a gift.
Don't make me go to HR again.
You are a gift faggot.
I am the lobster who fucks.
I cannot wait to get pussy.
Every day I sit on this rock and I think about how to get a pussy.
Why don't you just fuck lobsters?
Shut up.
I can't wait to fuck a go.
I just
use my claw to get a pussy.
Here's a cartoon of Ariel fucking her dad, King Triton.
Where's her pussy?
And they both have legs.
That's how they got around it.
But they are under the sea still.
What the fuck?
He was kind of like a jacked-old man.
He was hot, dude.
He really was.
He had great bomb.
Yeah, he was a traditional daddy.
Yeah.
Ursula, big, big, big lesbian.
I want to see King Titan and Tony the Tiger fighting over the top position.
Yes, dude.
A wrestling, a gay sex wrestling match.
Yeah, they have a gay sex wrestling match, and then one of them finally gets top position and fucks the other one.
And then he looks to the crowd and he says, Are you not entertained?
Are you not entertained?
I want to do that to oh yeah.
I cannot wait to get pussy.
May Griffin get fucked up.
Have you ever tried just talking to a girl clown?
Shut to know
that is fucking
I just want to ask her out on a day because I want to fuck her
so but Arielle, how are you good at you?
I wrote a gay ass song to impress
I wrote a gay ass song to impress Arielle about living under the sea
and hopefully she likes my gas song so I can have sex with her pussy
indeed.
I never do.
I wrote a song, it didn't work.
She did not like the song.
I was going to kill every girl lobster in the under the sea.
I have to get a pussy.
If I makes me so mad that I do not get it.
to do it.
Oh shit, PlayStation 5.
What?
It's not coming out this year, though.
When?
Nick, do you know about this?
No, I don't regaming this.
Bro, you're telling me you're not excited for a fifth PlayStation?
Nah, I mean, it's like you gotta wait, because you gotta wait two fucking years after it comes out, and then they're like, oh, here's one with the bigger hard drive.
And, you know,
fucking overheating everything.
You wanna wait until the no, I'm getting it immediately.
What to expect from Sony's next generation?
Ray tracing support and 3D audio.
What the fuck does 3D audio mean?
PS VR and
3 support.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's always surround sound.
But how do you do it if you don't have surround sound?
Nine channels.
You suck my dick, that's how.
What?
Yep, sorry.
What?
I have bad news.
Are you gonna rape Adam?
I'm going to rape Adam.
I cannot wait to rape him to get back at Ariel.
I will show you.
The only way to not be a virgin anymore is you have to rape a virgin.
And that will cure you of being a virgin.
You could just have sex.
I don't know how.
I've never done it.
I do not know if I have a dick.
Because I am a lobster.
I think I lay eggs.
But I want to fuck her.
All I want to do is fuck Ariel, but I can't because I.
Doesn't understand his own body.
Doesn't know me as a cock or a pussy or if he lays eggs
because I think I lay eggs.
But I want a pussy.
But I want it.
I want to fuck her.
But I do not know what to put into her possession.
I don't think I have a dick.
He's not sure.
He's not sure if he has a dick or not.
I cannot see it.
All I can see are my claws.
My my body is made so all I can see is my claws.
I don't know what my body looks like behind my head.
I think I have many legs like a spider.
Is that what it feels like?
But I do not know if I have a deep.
Swim around and look.
Do I have it?
Oh, all I see is a tail.
God damn it.
Do you think I can put a tail in Ariel's pussy?
What are you guys up to?
Oh, Arielle!
Ariel looking very beautiful
today.
Just talking about Kwanzaa.
My favorite holiday, Kwanzaa.
Anyways,
what that pussy do?
Excuse me?
I mean, under the sea?
Do you know my song for you?
He's Jamaican, actually, right?
Yeah, he's not African.
I do not know know if I'm Jamaican or African.
It would be better if he was African.
It would be.
And then it's just African.
It makes no sense at all.
But lobsters are from fucking New England.
That is true.
She'd be like, Ariel.
Ariel
under the sea.
We got to get, you know, what I would love to do is to get a piece of that cold Irish fish pussy.
Some of that, that just very
no elasticity in it,
just thick Irish pussy.
What did you just do?
I just hit the because we don't have the wind guard.
I hit my tooth with the yeah, we're going raw dog.
We've been raw dogging the last few episodes.
Yeah, what happened to the wind guard?
Blue movies, we're going less equipment.
That's right.
Take it
down, yeah.
Yeah.
Kind of acoustic style podcast.
Dylan goes back to acoustic.
Dylan Roof.
Dylan Roof.
He was named after Bob Dylan.
Bob Dylan Roof.
Yeah, it's weird.
If there's one thing I hate, it's these
fucking boots.
Trying to pray.
I got some you can pray to.
It's a Black 19.
And she said, Miss, please don't kill me.
But too late.
I'm racist.
Ah, this fucking beanbag chair, goddammit.
Yeah, I love being racist chair.
You gotta sit on the top of it.
My ass cheeks hurt now, dude.
We could switch for the next epi, but the way I figured out how to sit on the top of the bottom.
Yeah, you have to sit on the top.
Watch the speaker there.
Yeah, the speaker.
You have to sit on the top like you were trying to sit down.
Sit on the top of the beanbag, not in the front of it, because it's going to be a bad thing.
But what about my back?
You sink into it.
You sink into it.
It supports your lower bean.
It molds to your body.
I hate the molds.
Get your ass.
Get up.
And then sit down.
I will will sit up.
Because I want to, not because you told me to, bitch.
No, we're not telling you to.
We're suggesting that you'd be more careful.
Suggest this dick.
How about that, motherfucker?
All right, I'll suggest this dick.
No, suggest this dick.
I've got, you know what?
I can suggest for your dick.
What's that?
It's blue chew.
Oh,
shit.
As you guys know, Stav's dick is small and broken.
No, it's fine.
It's not that small.
Breaking news today from Astoria: there's a man whose dick is small and it's broken.
We go live to this show.
And you know what?
Since I've started walking.
My roommate's dick is really small and it's also broken.
I don't know why this would be on the news, but
yeah, I mean, I can confirm both of those.
Your eldest took a turn.
To what?
I don't know.
I can confirm both of those.
I can say both of those are true.
Yeah, Blue Chew is a dick pill company.
Oh, yeah.
They plump your cock up, brother.
Can I say,
and I will continue to use it for special occasions, but since cycling in the AMs and taking
taking 10,000 steps every day with my little Fitbit,
my cock has been working pretty good.
Damn, that's a good point to bring up during the read.
It's that you no longer need Blue Chew.
It works.
Hey, guys, come down here for Blue Chew.com, a completely unnecessary product that Stop no longer needs.
No, no, he's saying on special occasions.
Well, I'm saying maybe it's because here's the thing: I've gotten to the point where I need to do exercise for my cop to work.
What if I have a busy week?
Here's the thing.
That's what Blue Chew.
If you like sex, you'll like Blue Chew.
I love sex.
Stav is no good at it.
I'm good at it.
He's trash.
I'm good at fucking.
I'm going to order him because I want to groove my girlfriend with a larger peanut.
I don't know if you like.
I'm sick of her being comfortable with my smaller
mostly not even hard peanuts.
I don't know if you like bluechew.com because I have to take the pills to see if I have a dick.
I don't know whether I have a dick or not, but I want to fuck Ariel.
Can a lobster take that?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
If you're an anthropomorphic lobster out there,
I don't know if I can chew things.
Yeah, that's true.
I have to crush them with my claws.
Crush them with your claws and then put them in.
I don't know.
Then I put the dust in my mouth.
The dust in your mouth?
Because I love eating dust.
If you love eating dust and you want to rip Ariel,
you go to bluechew.com.
Yeah, that's consensual sex.
It offers men and lobsters a performance enhancement for the bedroom.
Oh, yeah, you're cocking.
Wouldn't you like to last longer and go extra rounds?
Blue Chew makes the first chewable with the same active ingredients as Viagra and Sialis.
Chewables work faster than pills, up to twice as fast.
Damn.
And you can take Blue Chew on a full or empty stomach.
It's cheaper than those other two.
It only takes a few minutes to fill out a form online.
No doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no wheel liner.
No, none of that fucking bullshit.
It ships directly to the door in discreet packaging.
It ships in a bright orange box.
It says, my thing works normal.
It says, danger, gay man's stuff here.
Danger package.
Gay man's products are being shipped to his house.
The package speaks, actually.
Bluetooth tubles are prescribed online by a doctor and made in the USA by a couple of blue-collar fellows.
Oh, right, that's right.
You know, a couple of Staten Island factory guys, kind of guys that worked at the steel stacks.
They're getting your cock hard.
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Thank you, African Sebastian.
Yeah,
I do not like that.
My body is segments.
I wish my segments were different.
Damn, I want lobster now, dude.
Yeah, lobster is so good.
Somebody is trying to eat me.
I hate when this bitch tries to eat me.
I like a buttery-ass lobster roll.
Oh, yeah.
I got something nice and buttery for you, Adam.
If I slathered my cock in butter
and put it in a lobster shell, would you suck it afterwards?
In a lobster shell?
The shell?
So you get a little flavor.
Oh, so I had the acid.
So it has a little bit of lobster flavor.
And then I put butter on it.
Dude, so this is how lobster is made, apparently.
So lobsters have like little caves they live in.
And the female will go to a male lobster's cave and piss in his face.
Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah.
That rocks.
And that's when she knows.
That's when he knows how to push open for business.
How does she get pregnant from that?
Well, that means she's trying to fuck.
Oh, that's like a mating.
Yeah.
She's like, take a whiff.
People do that too, I guess.
This is crazy.
In lobsters, the bladder sits below the brain.
Nice.
With two reservoirs storing copious amounts of urine.
They love to piss.
Located just under their eye stalks.
They're influenced by the skin.
Whoa, for real?
Yeah.
Where their teeth are.
He's connected to two nozzles through which both males and females can squirt pee.
Out of your eyes?
Yeah.
This technique allows their pee to shoot straight out in front of them up to seven body lengths away.
Nice.
That's the equivalent of a teenager being able to pee from the back of a 40-foot school bus and hit the front windshield.
Nice.
Every time you cried, it was pee.
Do you think you'd cry less?
Yeah.
Because you wouldn't want to pee to.
Because it smells bad.
The male starts to let loose his own stream of urine, furiously fanning the fin-like appendages called swimmerettes located under a lobster's tail.
This actually draws her scent inward while flushing a mix of his and her urine out behind him.
And most lobster shelters come out with a back door for quick escapes, mixed aroma of his and her lobster pee wafts outward broadcasting.
The lovers' intentions widely.
Lobsters may do it in dens, but they're far from discreet.
Eventually, the male calms down enough for the female to make her move and enter his den.
She'll stay part-time at first and only allow him to get to first or second base.
What?
Yeah.
These bitches piss in your face and then only let you suck at it for a second.
Sounds like
a certain species we all know about.
These dogs we call human women.
Oh, don't even get me started, these sweet folks.
Fucking whores.
I got some thoughts
on
trying to fucking take down your Bernie Sanders poster.
Go ahead, dig it down, bitch.
See what's behind that Bernie Sanders poster.
Oh, yeah, it's a head-sized fucking hole in the drywall.
I guess that's for my ex-girlfriend.
Oh, I feel like you're a little bit more.
Yeah, you didn't know that.
Yeah.
You didn't know about that, did you?
Amy Klobuchar's head.
Yeah.
A direct threat on the life of Amy Klobuchar.
Yeah, maybe you should put that Bernie Sanders poster back up
or we'll have another use for that hole.
He's storing my collection of European chocolates.
When you leave me.
When you leave me.
And I get fatty shit from eating European chocolates.
My expensive European chocolates.
Do you get fatter after breakups?
I can't remember when you were fat.
Oh, big time.
When I'm set, I just retreat and I get fattish.
Oh, when I'm set, I get ready.
Were you getting fatter when we first met?
Yes.
I was in a feeding, I was in a feeding zone.
A feeder relationship?
No, no, no.
I remember.
It was so funny.
I remember hanging out with you.
I'm like, damn, it's like, I don't think that guy could get any fatter.
Oh, brother, were you wrong?
I don't understand where
how much fatter he.
Because you were probably 100 pounds bigger than you are now, right?
Close, yeah.
Well, not maybe 70.
Not 100.
Yeah.
70, though.
That's a lot, dude.
Legitimately.
And I'm fat now.
Like, imagine 70 more
on this damn frame.
But that was after a breakup.
Yes.
Yeah.
That was after my college girlfriend and I broke up.
I lose weight.
I wish, dude.
A lot of my friends are like.
But I think it's because I like to lift weights and work out while I'm in a relationship.
And if a relationship is.
You get weak.
No, I just stop going to the gym.
Yeah.
And then if I stop going to the gym, I lose weight.
Right.
No, I get fat as fuck.
The second I get sad.
Yeah.
I'm just, I'm hitting the fuck.
I'm hitting Popeyes.
Yeah.
Saying, what's up, boys?
Pop guys.
Yep.
And I have sex with everyone in there.
Everything all right?
Yeah, that headphone wire.
Just,
yeah, dude, I was getting fat as fuck.
Just
taut as hell.
Yeah.
Dude, Popeyes is on fucking Uber Eats.
I know.
Popeyes is on CMOS now.
It's so quick.
They deliver quick to my house.
They get to your.
They ate.
Literally, I delivered.
I ordered it at like 2:30 last week.
It got to my house in maybe 10 minutes.
I'm still just trying to find out if lobsters have dicks.
They do such a good job.
Yeah, well, they say they fuck.
Dude, the female lobster takes its clothes off to have sex.
But the man stays on.
What do you mean its clothes?
It removes the shell off.
Yeah, the shell comes off.
The man stays.
He stays.
Yeah, boots on.
Pants around the knees.
Have the Air Force Ones on for grip.
Better grip.
Oh, yeah.
You know I'm a through-the-zipper kind of lover.
Yeah.
I've told you guys that.
I put on extra clothes.
We don't listen to you when you tell us.
No, I told you.
But we don't listen to you.
I'm naked.
If anything, I'm the opposite.
I'm fully nude girls clothed.
Yeah.
Oh, you like the girl clothes.
Because you're in it for the
shoes.
NM, yep.
Huh?
You're in it for the shoes.
I'm wearing stiletto heels and I'm fully nude.
The gorgeous shoes.
No, I'm honestly.
Someone told me once, I forgot who this was, that they were into luxury porn, where it's like he liked seeing a woman wearing like an expensive ball gown.
That's a game of that.
That's a homosexual, right?
Yeah, for sure.
That's just a game.
Yeah, yeah.
He jacks off.
I want to see her wear a fabulous dress and then take it off and have sex.
Yeah, fuck that.
Or that's like maybe you wanted to fuck your mom when you were a kid and she used to go to rich galas and stuff.
Something like that.
Or if you were molested by a rich woman.
Do you think rich women molest?
All right.
That's for that movie, Great Or that book, Great Expectations.
Belly to belly, they then fan their swimmerettes vigorously as he inserts the first pair of modified swimmerettes called gonopods
into her sperm receptacles.
He's got two cocks.
Each gonopod is a half tube that he squeezes together to form a hollow rod through which the sperm spermatophore is passed.
She hangs there in the hammock of his arms as he completes several thrusting motions.
There is more mutual fanning and urinating, and then he gently rolls back over and sets her down.
Exhausted, she returns to the back of the shelter.
A few days later, she'll move out and another female will move in.
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
That's how it should be.
Damn.
Just to have a bitch come through my
piss on my face.
I take your clothes off.
Let me fuck and then get the fuck out.
Have another woman come on, come over and piss on my face.
I cannot wait for Ariel to piss in my face.
Arielle, you look like you have to go to the bathroom.
Perhaps you would like to piss in my face.
Did you see that?
Have you been watching the new David Attenborough thing on Netflix?
No.
Our planet?
There's this one kind of bird that, in order to fuck, it has to do this choreographed dance with three of its friends.
Hell yes.
He has to have backup dancers.
And then the girls just watching this dance, and all day long they just practice this fucking dance.
And then the girl has to decide whether or not at the end they want to fuck.
And then his three friends just huddle up.
They're like, oh my god, is he going to fuck?
Yeah, how are you doing, Mr.
Bernie Sanders?
My name is Loquacious Valandrelon.
And I was wondering why we love dancing so much.
Why is it that we always got to have a goddamn dance we do?
Anyway, but like,
after all of this,
the dance is over, she's just like, she gives gives like a nod or something, and then he just flies behind her, one pump, done.
Respect.
It's over.
You spend more time with your
boys.
Yeah, months of dance practice with your boys.
Just for one pump.
Does it even feel good to come if you're a lobster?
Does your swimmerette feel like a top of a dickhead?
I don't know.
Who gives a shit?
I don't think most animals have sex for pleasure.
I think it's all rape.
Nah, but the woman's pissing in faces and stuff.
That's why Asians are superior.
They don't have sex for pleasure.
Yeah, they do, dude.
No, I've seen some pornography.
It's social
for them.
Social?
It's evolutionary.
Yeah, it's because of an evolutionary imperative.
Nah, dude.
I bet you some Chinese women want to get fucked.
I've thought that before.
It's so funny how they tell you when you grow up, you're like, well, rape isn't about sex, it's about power.
And then you get older and you find out that sex isn't about sex, it's about power.
That's true.
That there's no such thing as sex.
It's all just power.
No,
I like the bust, dude.
Yeah, for power.
It's about
power.
It's so good
over your former self that wasn't able to fuck.
Oh, that's an interesting idea.
Yeah.
That is true, but sometimes I just want to get a little cum shooting out of my balls.
Yeah.
Because it feels nice.
It tingles at the top of my cock.
Are you familiar?
No, I got a bloodlust.
The thing I want is to murder people, and unfortunately, you're not allowed to do that in society.
Damn.
And that's what you think of as having sex?
No, I mean, not as having sex, but I think, you know, like a lot of people have that drive probably.
To kill?
To kill, yeah.
I don't want to kill.
You don't want to like stalk and hunt people?
I mean, maybe there's some enemies I'd like to beat the shit out of.
No, not enemies.
I mean, you know, you mean random people.
Yeah, you just pick a guy and follow him around and figure out where he works.
And then one day when,
you know, he tells his family he's going to, you know, stop by the fucking hobby lobby on the way home.
Right.
No one ever hears from him.
He never makes it back.
You remember that he screwed little holes in his head and using an oil funnel to pour ho boiling water on his brain.
While he's still alive?
While he's still alive, yeah.
Yeah, just normal stuff like that.
Yeah, that kind of stuff.
Guy stuff.
Everybody has that kind of impulse.
All guys, too.
Yeah.
You know, it's a good fellow.
It's a guy guy stuff.
For sure.
Guy talk.
Yeah, you put his skull in your fucking man cave afterwards.
Before the feminists came along, we were allowed to do stuff like that.
Absolutely, dude.
I'm so tired of them ruining that type of shit.
They're like, okay, Mr.
Yang, the question was about universal details.
I'm not really sure what that tandem was.
If could you explain more than $1,000 a month?
Damn, what are you guys going to use your $1,000 a month for when President Yang gets elected?
Dude, fuck, you know what?
Fuck it.
I'm voting for him.
Nice.
I know he wants to make it illegal to report on anything, but.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
What am I going to use this for?
Yeah, what are you going to use your thousand for?
Probably start getting a gumad, set her up in a separate apartment.
That's right.
You're about to be a married man.
You gotta think about your gumad now.
It's a gumar.
It's a gumar.
I think we're in a South Italian, you know how they fuck up words.
Yeah, but they fuck it up by saying gumar.
The Italian word is like gumari.
Oh, really?
Yeah, it's like c-o-m.
It's like capicoloni.
C-o-m-a-r-e, yeah.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Gumar.
Gumar.
But the R can sound like a D.
No, you just said it wrong.
Guma.
I think you just go guma.
I think it's gumat.
No, I don't know.
Anyway, you need a guma.
Yeah, I'll use my yang bucks to set her up.
She'll obviously have a pill problem.
Kumar
sounding off on face
gumar.
Gumar.
There's a term for a maid man's mistress.
So Adam was saying it wrong.
He's incorrect.
What I was saying in the Jewish accent, the Jewish Italian accent.
You said the wrong word incorrectly.
I said the right word
in the Jewish
form of that right word.
Open it up to be
fucking affairs
and the couple hundred thousand people listening right now.
I was trying to just have some intimate talk with my boys, but you just want to
bring up, like, honestly, like 47 downloads an episode.
Yeah, dude.
47?
Yeah, there's only
I thought it was more than.
No, there's only like 35 people around.
Who's listening?
My mom.
Yeah, Nick's mom has a bunch of people.
Nick's mom,
her boss at work.
Your mom.
My mom's all listening.
Our moms and Dasha.
My mom's like, Dasha's soft listening.
The boys are so funny when they say sleds.
Dasha listens to find out what jokes you took from her.
That's not true, dude.
She steals jokes from me on her gay ass podcast the entire time.
Is there any more burrito left?
I threw it out.
What?
You threw out the fucking burrito.
Are you out of your mind?
No, I finished.
I maybe had one by
the biggest fucking
history.
It was the soggy.
burrito.
We were witnessing the end of the podcast.
It was one of those burritos that has a leak at the bottom.
I love a leaky bite.
The last
flavor.
That's flavor.
It was a soggy bite.
And their friendship will never be the same.
Are you kidding me?
I didn't mean to, dude.
I'm sorry.
I thought it was garbage.
I didn't think that it was you.
And it was in that moment that the falling out was set in stone.
I cannot believe this, Adam.
Adam and Stavros would never recover.
It's been a late night.
I took the train here so I could get some steps in on my way back.
I'm running low on fuel.
I needed that bike to carry me through the over the finish line.
You want the president coffee?
It would be the last step he ever took.
Wait, is Adam going to kill me?
No, I don't know.
No, I'm going to do that pouring water through your ear thing that Nick was talking about.
My brain is impenetrable.
It's too fucking smart for me.
You know what I mean?
It would be cool to be a serial killer that kidnaps guys and then surgically gives them Shrek ears and then releases them back to his family.
That's not even a serial killer.
You tattoo someone's entire body green, give them Shrek ears, rape them for six weeks.
Okay, then just send them back to the.
Well, you got to do something that severely traumatizes them.
And they're like, my husband finally came back.
Do you think it's funny to just be a break?
He's Shrek and he won't talk to anybody.
You think you have to rape them?
Well, I think it's something where, yeah, he doesn't want to talk to you.
You have to have a rape.
Yeah, yeah.
What's funny is the idea of a man that just looks like Shrek and he won't talk to anybody.
And they're like, honey, where were you?
I don't want to talk about Shrek.
Just leave me alone.
Fuck you, bitch.
He was missing for four weeks and then he came back and he was shrek
and he was upset i think you don't have to rape him i think you just make him shrek you just have to do his old body green and then like dock his ears a certain way so he has little shrek ears his ears go up doesn't shrek have like a like that's kind of the ideal woman is like a girl that's super hot but then she has like shrek ears or something that's fucked up interesting she's like so no guy no other guy ever had sex with me because of this one thing this one flaw that you can see past right Yeah.
But definitely no other guy.
Damn it.
Would you fuck a
Vulcan bitch?
100%.
Hell yeah.
What the fuck kind of question is that?
I prefer the point of yours.
Anna's kind of Vulcan-looking.
She looks a little Vulcan-like.
She looks kind of more like Leonard Nimoy than
I'd fuck Leonard Nimoy.
I'd fuck Leonard.
He was hot back in the day, dude.
How about
almost anything?
Leonard P.
Boy.
And he's like, live long and let me drink your piss.
Yes,
I'm Leonard P-Boy.
That is correct.
I'm Leonard P-Boy, and if there's one thing I enjoy, it's drinking piss.
I think I like that.
What does he call Kirk?
Does he call him James or whatever?
Captain.
Captain James.
Captain James.
Jimmy Boy, if there's one thing I want to do, it's drink your piss.
Do Vulcans only have
pussy once every decade or something on farm?
It's too logical for pussy.
Every seven years they fuck.
And if they don't fuck, they go crazy.
They go nuts, dude.
oh yeah because i remember on voyager to tuvak yeah
the black the black cliff no he was named
his name was two vocals no vocal yeah
um
yeah the other one was
i was gonna do a biggie smalls yeah yeah yeah trying to think of something that was uh
not the obvious one that's okay man that's all right what happened to tuvak though let me hey you can't come up with classic bits like pretending to be sebastian wanting to fuck Ariel for seven minutes.
That was all the time.
I do not know if my penis is real.
I want to jam my little flappers.
I have, I think I have, I reached down there to see, and I think I have two different penises.
And I do not know which one to use.
I got horny at Ariel and then I sneezed a bunch of piss.
What happened to Tuvac, dude?
He raped Jerry Ryan.
Yeah,
he gets real horny, and you have to send him in the holodeck to bust.
Oh, hell yeah.
Does he get to choose who he fucks?
In the holodeck, because it's not real anyway.
Voyager Tuvac ponfar.
Let's see.
I want a holodeck to get pussy from anyone I want, dude, but it's not real.
Look at him.
Look at him just going horny.
Yeah, dude, he is horny.
He's just like having horny brains.
He's like clenching his teeth.
Yeah, no, he's like going nuts.
He just has to bust.
And he's like sweating.
Respect.
Yeah.
Does he get pussy?
Yeah, he's look here.
This bitch is having to beat him off.
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah.
That rules, dude.
That's sad.
He doesn't have a girlfriend.
He has to fucking.
Do their pussies and cocks look different?
Who?
The Vulcans.
Who?
The Vulcans, Cocks, and Pussies.
What are we talking about?
Do they look different when they fuck?
But what.
Oh,
hmm.
I don't know.
The obvious joke is ribbed or ridges, you know, that kind of stuff.
But I'm saying, do the aliens that look mostly human have different cocks and pussies?
It would stand to reason that they would.
I think.
Because what else makes us different if not our genitalia?
Because then you'd think you'd have way more different kinds of mixed alien things, but right.
Because the cocks and pussies are different, you can't really do that.
That's a good question.
It's the way, like, a lion and a tiger can have a a l a liger, but it can't but it can't bust a liger, right?
It's like a mule.
A mule, a mule can be made, but it can't fuck.
Or it can fuck, but it can't reproduce, which is cruel.
What if it wants to be a mother?
Yeah,
you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
So that's just kind of a question I have about
Does he have
people?
I mean, I know the whole thing is here in the turbo lift.
What happened?
The alien simply stared at me as if scrutinizing my appearance.
What did you do?
I returned to my quarters.
Did the alien follow you?
He did.
Hell yes.
And then
he watched me.
Doing what?
Getting dressed.
Getting dressed?
Yes.
I don't suppose I should ask why you were undressed.
I would prefer that you didn't.
What the fuck?
Wait, he's he's sus?
Maybe he's gay, dude.
That's cool.
He was doing suspic I have no idea what
I don't know the context of that.
I don't remember that episode.
You've seen every DS9, every Voyager, every TNG?
No, not even close.
What percentage would you say?
Of all three combined, how much of all of those shows, maybe like 40%?
That's a shit ton.
That's a lot of it, but yeah, there's no way I've seen it.
Have you seen all of Next Generation?
A decent amount.
I've seen like probably 80.
How many seasons and shit is that shit?
So much.
Yeah, something like that.
Interesting.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Without that last little little bite of burrito, I don't think I can make it.
I'm sorry, dude.
I don't know what
I don't know.
Through life.
Through life.
I got 15 minutes before I die, dude.
I'll suck your dick.
I'm nutrient deficient.
I'll suck your dick.
You have to suck my dick, but then spit my jizz in my mouth because I need nutrients.
How does busting help me if I don't drink the cum for sustenance?
Why can't I just give you my cum?
I'm not with that gay shit, dude.
You're not with it?
I'm not with the gay shit.
You sucking my dick and spitting my cum in my face would be my own.
It wouldn't be gay.
It's my cum.
And I'm not, you know, you would be getting it out for me as a friend.
But if I drink your cum, come on, dude.
How could I look I could look my mother in the eye after that?
I cannot wait to get my ass fucked.
I cannot wait to get my fist pissed on by Eric.
Geez, Sebastian, do you want to go back to working on the song?
Shut up, Faggot.
Shut your yellow faggot ass up.
Bitch,
you are a little boy.
You are a little bitch boy.
I'm a grown man with at least two penises.
I used to be self-conscious, but then I found out that I have not.
I thought I had zero dicks, but it turns out I have at least two dicks, two special ones, and the other is made to attract peace.
Does flounder have do fishes have cocks?
No, right?
They do.
They're eggs.
They like to spray their cum.
Yeah.
Horseshoes that are horse.
Seahorses.
And then Sebastian.
Got it.
Horseshoes.
Sebastian's just like walking
into the cave.
We're so dumb.
Sebastian's walking into the cave, and he's like, Ariel, good news, I have written a new song for you.
And she's just fucking flounder.
And he's like, what if
what is this?
He has a faggot.
She's like, I'm sorry, Sebastian, but he's also a fish.
My lower half is fish, so it makes sense that I would fuck him.
Yeah, literally, no one else in this community is other than my dad, and I can't fuck him.
So, Flounder's the only person that makes me
go down on But why would you do this?
I have two penises.
I went I did I had to look it up in a book to find
Do you know how hard it was for me to learn how to read
when my brain is made out of peace?
To
read a book to find out that I have two penises that drink your peace.
Her father just staring at him blankly.
Get out of here, you fucking bitch.
Yeah.
Sorry, Sebastian.
Looks like you're the one that's gagged.
You are still a fucker.
Why did I clap these little pussy cheeks?
Tell me why I clapped Ariel's pussy like that.
I hate being under the seat.
No, this is rash.
This is rash.
This is the most restaurant thing that's ever happened to me.
Pussy for lobsters.
Why do not I get a pussy?
That's right.
That is correct.
Yeah, they should do the live action.
When they do the live action remake
with real lobsters.
It should be a subplot.
Yeah.
That shit is so dumb, dude.
Why the fuck is it all like?
Dumbo and actual animals.
I know.
It looks weird, dude.
Yeah, it looks bad.
It looks bad.
It's better as cartoon.
Eldis' dumbass is excited to see the Lion King.
He's like, I just want to see Lions talk.
I'm like,
what do you mean, man?
Who gives a fuck?
He's like,
it looks cool.
I want to see Lions.
That was probably my favorite Disney movie when I was a kid, though.
Yeah, but it's like, just watch the fucking cartoon.
It's good.
Still good.
This is that African wise ape in The Lion King.
Rafigi.
That baboon.
Yeah, Rafiki.
He was pretty chill.
Yeah.
Yeah, and he knew karate at the end.
Yeah.
Asante Sana Squash Bernadette.
Is that what he says?
Asante Sana Squash Bernadette?
I don't know.
That was like such a 90s thing, too.
It's like, let's write a song called Hakuna Matata, and we'll go to some of these mud villages villages and listen to some of their words, and we'll actually get some of them to play their coconut instruments in this multi-fucking million-dollar movie.
Compensate them probably pretty poorly.
That's what Paul Simon did for Graceland.
Yeah.
Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, Lady Smith, Blackman Bazo.
Now, isn't the Lion King, though, isn't it just some anime shit they stole?
There's like a white lion.
The Lion King wasn't anime.
It was a Pokemon, actually.
No, no, no.
There was a real fucking
best.
Nardo the Lionel.
I took a bunch of yoga classes to suck my own dick.
Suck my dick.
I am gay.
I am gay.
I don't know if I can.
Man, that one really writes itself.
It's so good.
The Pokemon song is the best, bro.
It's the best one.
And each time it can be just a little different and still just as nice.
It just feels just as good coming off the tongue.
There's so many things you could be the very best at.
There's so many different fucked up things you could be the best at.
I want to be the very best at accusing women of rape,
of denying the Holocaust.
It is fake.
There's no way it happened.
Six million is way too much.
They all lie, we know the truth.
You can't trust Jews.
Not a one.
Not a single one.
Even the one you think are friends.
Ask yourself, would they be friends with you if they stood nothing together?
Fuck the Jews.
Kids, what are you watching?
Pokemon?
Oh, okay, yeah.
I think it's fine.
They're like bugs or something.
That was my favorite part of the Lion King was when he learned he didn't have to eat,
he could just eat bugs.
Oh, right.
He didn't kill anything.
He didn't have to be killed, basically.
Well, no, he just ate bugs.
Yeah, but for a lion that's slimy yet satisfying.
Yeah, for a lion that's.
Wait, he never killed at any point?
He never ate it.
He didn't have to kill a wildebeest or anything because he just ate bugs with his boys.
What about Nala, though?
Did she kill?
I think that actually, in real life, the girls are the killers.
They just feed the guys.
The king of the jungle just stands back and gets cock sucked.
Gets his cock sucked.
Eventually he has to fight sometimes.
Sometimes he has to fight another dude lion.
A scar, if you will.
They are such cool looking animals.
They look so cool.
The mane is so sick.
Lions are fucking awesome.
Yeah.
The mane is definitely just like to look cool.
It's so tight that the Romans
get pussy.
We're like, let's kill all of these.
Let's capture all of these and kill them.
Why do they do that?
Make slaves fight them.
There used to be lions everywhere.
They went up like all the way up to like
southern Italy.
Really?
They were fucking all over the place.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
They're the king.
They were all over North Africa.
Yeah, fucking the Romans just destroyed them.
Wow.
Yeah.
Fuck Romans, dude.
Stealing our shit.
Greeks, that is.
And then also killing the lions, dude.
That's fucked up.
Lions in southern Italy?
Yeah.
A
fucking lion.
Roar.
Hey, Roar,
Rar
something.
You know?
Oh.
I'm fucking a gay and a lion over here.
Sucking the dick.
Yeah.
Sucking the dick.
What are you fucking gay?
Get that shit out of here.
What the fuck is this gay shit?
Oh, come on.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is this gay shit?
No, I've never heard of this gay shit.
What the fuck is this gay shit?
Pokemon.
Pokemon.
Pokemon.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, I'm getting kind of tired here.
Me too.
A full hour of podcasting, boys, really takes it out.
Jobs are hard.
Yeah, I don't know.
I was just trying to think of more Notre Dame's name.
Takes
my take is that it's the Muslims.
Come on, folks.
We all know who it was.
It's the terrorist.
It was Alano Muslim.
What was it for real, though?
Some guy just burned it down.
It was some fucking French construction worker who was probably smoking a cigarette while having sex with his 14-year-old mistress.
Exactly.
He was probably raping a child and
he was a little bit more.
Smoking his second pack of the morning.
Our castle burned down.
Now
I've got bad news.
My castle bad.
Remember,
I had guest sex in the castle.
Dude, fuck France.
Yeah, France could suck these little fucking nut arena.
Yeah, I was sad about the church burning down until I found out it was in France.
Yep.
Dude, Catholic and French, that's like double pedophile.
That is, that's true.
But it's at least the French are sensual pedophiles.
Yeah, the French aren't pedophiles.
Yeah, they make love to children.
Open up a bottle of wine, watch Babar with them.
Dude, I love Babar.
And then fuck the rest.
My sheets, when I was a kid, and my blanket was
covered in cum, man.
It wasn't covered in calm.
It was bad.
He's like, Papa, Papa.
Papa, can you introduce me to a young African boy?
Oh, I had sex fighting like Adam.
Babar, because he was a prince and he was African.
Did your parents treat you like a prince?
Were you a little princess?
No, they were
cool.
Oh, yeah, they were cool.
I bet.
I bet you were getting beaten all the time, dude.
Just kept in a ton of people.
I used to
catch a couple of beaten.
I used to stray upside the heads.
Yeah,
I used to get smacked upside.
I would beat you if you were my son.
Every day I had to come home and look at that face.
Damn, I would fucking would just wail on you in the garage and go drink myself to sleep.
If I was your son, yeah, if I had to come home to that fucking face,
like actually,
actually.
April 22nd.
Damn!
April 22nd, or as I like to call it,
Easter Monday.
Belt off, just going to town.
Your mother's not even attempting to stop me.
My mom slapped me across the face one time.
Damn, dude.
Yeah, because I laughed at her.
For wearing her underwear?
Yeah, of course.
I was like, I just want to make sure it fits.
I don't want it to be.
For putting on her dress in your middle school graduation?
Come on.
You know, I didn't do that.
I don't know.
I'm asking.
I showed you guys pictures.
She used to sneak in your mom's room and dress up in her clothes out.
No, I didn't.
Admit it.
Be honest.
I did.
My dad did have this like.
So you did do it.
No, you did.
Okay.
All right.
It's fine.
No, I used to put on like
I used to put on like my dad's like 70s shit that he had around.
Because I was really into disco, like fifth grade.
I thought disco.
That is literally literally gayer than wearing I thought disco was really funny no I thought it was funny I mean
your mom's clothes I thought that was like how kids knew they were gay because of the movie Hearts of Atlantis where the kid just wearing him so in Hearts and Atlantis isn't that trans more likely so in Hearts in Atlantis the
Anthony Hopkins is like a man that rents a room upstairs and like the kid who lives downstairs is getting bullied for being gay for something I don't know but Anthony Hopkins is like a psychic or something.
So like he confronts the bullies and he's like, go ahead, Matthew.
Continue bullying him.
And then you run home and put on your mommy's clothes.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
What?
How do you know about that?
And it's just like a grown man bullying a child for being gay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Clearly, this is the kid with more problems.
The kid that's getting bullied is just kind of a fucking bitch.
Well, I didn't know we talked about.
I don't know, right?
No.
I think you did.
I'm sure I did.
I don't know.
I don't remember anything.
We were talking about Adam putting on his mom's clothes.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Adam told the story about wearing his mom's clothes.
And he said, that reminds me of that movie, Hearts of Atlantis, which is based on you.
It was based on you when you had a house guest.
You were with the bully and the kid.
So you had sex with Anthony Hopkins.
And you also.
Did you really have sex with Anthony Hopkins?
You know, he's not a good actor.
It's so funny that he's like...
It's because he sounds like he's knighted for acting.
He was good in Thor Ragnarok.
He was good in the
Yeah, he's good in that movie, but I mean, it's like he's not really doing much.
The character is so fucking compelling to begin with.
It's like, what acting do you really need to do?
He's a guy that eats people.
It's like,
you know how
shitty of an actor you'd have to be
to make the guy who eats people a boring character.
Here's another fact about him.
He's a psychiatrist from Baltimore.
Hell yeah.
If you told you that, yeah, that's who the character is, would you expect that out of, or like, like, think that of Anthony Hopkins?
No, maybe he's one of those guys that's so smart that he talks like he's British.
He talks like he's gay.
He talks like he's gay.
Frazier.
Yeah, like Frazier.
I mean, but then when they put him in fucking Nixon, he's atrocious in it.
I haven't seen it.
He's really bad in that movie.
The fucking
Oliver Stone movie.
Oh, wow.
Oh, yeah.
He doesn't even put on makeup or anything, right?
He wears fake teeth and continues to speak with a British accent.
That rocks.
I tell you, they're my enemies, so I can't stand them.
It's awful.
Respect.
Yeah.
Overrated.
The funniest fan or something.
Overfucking rated.
Never mind.
Go ahead, say it.
No, because it was related to something you were saying before, and now it's just.
And now you've waited your turn.
I didn't wait my turn.
You sat there and thought about mommy's clothes.
Putting on mommy's clothes and slutting around the living room before everyone else gets home from church.
No, we weren't church going, folks.
Yeah, your parents would pretend to go, so you'd have time alone to dress up in clothes.
It's time for you.
Let him get out of the system.
He just wants to do it.
Just let him do it once.
I did it as a boy, and I'm
not sure.
I used to do it as a boy, and now I
spread HIV to the entire family.
Can you be born with HIV if your parents have it?
Yes.
That's how you got it, Addie.
You know, that's how they called me.
Yeah.
Anyways, what were you saying?
No, nothing.
No, say it.
Come on.
It's too late.
April 22nd, as we call it Eastern Monday.
Actually, I'm changing my mind.
I'm changing your mind.
Don't say it.
April 22nd, we got Funny Moms, as it's known in the Judeo-Christian tradition.
Easter Monday, which comes after, I guess, Easter Sunday.
I didn't know Easter Monday was a thing.
It's also Earth Day.
Oh, shit.
So those were...
Well, that's not the real real Easter.
That's when stupid-ass fucking white Jesus died.
Next week, Greek slash black Jesus.
Black, Greek Jesus.
He dies the next week.
So that's the real Easter.
And I'm probably going to go home and maybe eat some lamb and hang out with my family.
And I might get a tooth that week.
Hell yeah.
We got to fucking.
But yeah, come to that.
We got some pals from D.C.
coming up to do the show.
The next one?
Yeah, they texted me.
Who's coming?
Benji.
Oh, nice.
Denise Taylor.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Denise.
I didn't send her back.
Okay, great.
Yeah, and a couple other people.
Did you book other people?
I think I did.
Fuck, did we book too many people?
How many people?
Who did you book?
Two.
I think we should be all right.
Okay, well, here's the deal, motherfuckers.
That's it for the fucking show today.
See you at fucking funny moms and Canada, a little teaser.
We might have, we might be coming up.
Canada in June, a couple cities.
Maybe, who knows?
who knows baby boys and girls so maybe hopefully we see you and we're also working on a uk tour and then hopefully the rest of america later uh this year but anyway come suck us come us goodbye i cannot wait i cannot wait to have sex with arial it seems everyone gets a tip these days deliver food get a tip drive around town get a tip serve a drink get a tip but here's one tip that can help you find a higher paying career.
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