Ep. 148 – Jussie Mueller Extravaganza

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No code needed.

No, no, go ahead, Say.

No, come on.

All right.

That's fine.

We're talking about arugula, everyone.

We all like it.

In other countries, it's called Rocket.

Did you know?

In the UK, they call it Rocket.

Aboogula.

That's cool.

How about that?

Oogalaboogula.

It's a cooler name.

I wonder who that's for.

What?

Who that kind of lettuce is for?

Oogalabugala?

Arugala Bugala?

You guys remember that bitch?

That's racist.

I don't know.

I thought you were being silly.

Yeah, one of these guys having a salad over here.

What's in it?

Arugala Boogala?

Remember that bitch.

Where we got a couple of guys having an arugal aboogala salad over here?

I'm not even sure who that's racist towards.

I don't know.

It's like a concept.

It's like there's like a.

It's an amorphous.

There's a guy walking past a construction site, and some black guys are eating their salad for lunch.

Oh, okay.

And there he goes, he goes, hey, get a load of this.

What are these guys eating for lunch?

A boogle a boogle of salad?

He's just elbowing one of those Bangladeshi police officers.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Can you please help me find pants that fit?

Why are they all in

fucking dirt clothes?

It looks like a child, dude.

Yeah, it's really strange.

A little boy playing policeman.

And the hats are big, too.

I think that the police tailor is like a big prankster.

I think that he's like, he's like, I'm going to make these.

Take this, you fucking Indian.

Yeah, I don't think he's like South Asian.

The tailor of Panama.

Yeah.

Are meter maids cops in New York?

They seem like they're not.

None of those people seem like real cops to me.

I think they're cops.

Yeah.

There's no distinction.

They seem soft.

It seems like.

Do they have guns?

It's always like traditionally an old lady cop job.

Yeah, or like a frail, like fresh off-the-boat.

What I want is meter maids, and it's a cop that's like, sir, if you're gonna park there, you gotta let me beat you off.

Well, fine, but I'm in a rush.

That's how the system is set up.

If that's how President Andrew Yang wants it, so be it.

But I'm in a rush, so please kiss my neck while you do it.

President Andrew Yang is like, in addition to anime body piros, somebody sounds like that.

Avarable for everybody.

Everybody gets an anime body piro.

Wait, he really talks like that?

Yeah, learn English, Yang.

But he will also be introducing beta maids instead of the police.

Everyone says the police are racist.

But what if the police only job was to beat off your penis?

That way, when you get in trouble, an ugly woman beats you off.

And it's punitive because no one believes in the psychological trauma that happens to men when they're taken advantage of by an ugly woman.

That way it's laughable.

And it also has a built-in way of correcting the issue of sexual assault and how it's not treated fairly based on gender.

So Yang's idea is to just rape men more.

So you use ugly female cops to rape white men.

Yeah.

And this is part of my genius computer guy strategy to fix the country.

Yeah.

And then everyone has to be like,

I guess he has a point.

I guess this

is one weird Chinese guy that's figured out everything.

He's developed a system that works for everybody.

I love how you're using that classic Yang upstate New York accent.

Yeah.

Oh, listen.

I'll take that for you.

That's where he's from.

Where is he from?

I think he's from like Rochester.

Going up in Rochester.

Oh, so you were joking also, Adam.

He doesn't sound like

a sound.

Of course he's

from Taiwan.

But yeah,

he's running for president.

He had to have been born in Canada.

I was born and raised in Sierra.

That is a good point.

He has to be over 34.

Well, he doesn't have to be raised here.

He needs to be born here.

He could have been born here and taken sh fucking back into the world.

Born in Canada, right?

He could also be pulling a beto or work and just choose it to sound like that.

That's true.

No one's going to stop.

You know, that'd be less cultural appropriation than Beto.

Yeah, because that's that's

culture.

I want to run as ding-dong mullen.

I don't know.

Oh, fuck.

Just like,

yeah, you know, down in Texas, we have an expression: it's

a fool who wants IP in your Coca-Cola.

When they look back on the past, they are going to say, We know who are these, who are these Japanese scum that passed this Donald Trump plan?

We don't want to be like those nimp scum.

I don't know what the Chinese version is.

Pendejo, isn't that, does that mean?

I don't know.

You think of fatty?

You think of

Cabron.

No, Cabron and Cabron and Maricone are like the two different things.

Maricone is Maricon.

So is Cabron.

It's like Cabron is like

regional, right?

Yeah.

I think in Mexico and maybe one other country, it means like pimp.

Cabron.

Because it means the top faggot.

Whoa, I'm that, dude.

I'm a Cabron, dude.

Yeah, I'm the top.

The other one is an insult everywhere.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Call me Stavros Cabron Halkius, dude.

Cabron Papi.

That's me, dude.

I'm rebranding.

Yeah, I wonder how Andrew Yang would fix the toilets, the bathrooms.

Oh, yeah.

We'd all get toe-to-speak.

When do you think

We don't know.

When you say the toilets, do you mean the trans people going to the toilet?

Yeah, I thought you meant like the Asian-style bidets.

Oh, that'll be awesome.

No, I just mean like

how you would solve the bathroom issue.

What would be the Andrew Yang take on abortion?

What's the thing that fixes it for everybody?

You harvest the stem cells for somebody else.

One child policy, probably.

What?

The one child policy?

No, that's not it either.

It's some kind of synthesis between the one-child policy and then also stem cells.

Only people who have cancer are allowed to no.

What, you like eugenics?

Well, population control.

There's like there's an intersection between negative population growth, which is necessary.

Negative is necessary?

Negative population growth.

Oh, because the world has too many people.

Yeah.

Okay.

Negative population growth, which is necessary.

Access, safe access to abortions that also doesn't

piss off religious people and satisfies what

free you get a free Xbox or PlayStation for life with free PSN, whatever, but you have to get sterilized.

Or Xbox Live.

Or Xbox Live.

Oh, you get a sterile.

And then that way we stop it at the end of, we stop it at the point of.

But what do women want?

Because women don't game.

They want abortions.

It's like there has to be some kind of purse.

Yeah.

They have to sign a piece of paper saying that they go to hell.

One free purse.

A really good purse?

A Birken bag.

No, you get, yeah, big Birkin bags.

How about this?

Women have to sign a document that says, I promise I will go to hell.

Oh, that's good.

A binding agreement.

A binding agreement that says, I promise I will go to hell.

If you get an abortion,

that's good.

Everyone's happy.

The church is happy because they're like, all right, fine, you get it.

I promise I will not argue with St.

Peter.

I will go directly to hell.

Not Pasco.

Yeah.

That seems to work.

That seems fair.

The man Scott Free is off.

The Dang Yang did it again.

Dang Yang, baby.

You're right.

You're right.

Gamers, that's right, Adam, because most people would have signed up.

How about the Andrew Yang twins?

And it's like, hey, baby, let me whisper in you.

Oh, that's right.

You got $1,000 for a Jang baby.

Boom, boom, boom.

Wait till you see my tiny tick.

Wait till I see my tip.

Does he have any other signature policies?

No, he's just the Universal Basic.

Going on Rogan, that's kind of a policy.

Yeah, how come he's the guy that got to go on Rogan?

I don't know.

Instead of Jake Flores, put Bernie.

They should have let Jake.

Why shouldn't...

Jake was promised.

Joe Rogan promised Jake that he could do it.

He tweeted a lot about that.

Yeah, Joe Rogan promised him.

He sent him a certified letter that said, Mr.

Jake Flores, I promise you.

One invitation.

That you are, this is an invitation to be redeemed at the Joe Rogan show

anytime, whenever you want.

And then guess what happens?

That capitalist pig dog

didn't honor his customer coupon that had not expired.

I won't Bernie on Rogan, dude, or Elizabeth Warren getting high, doing fucking whimpy.

How about like a kid

ever disagreed with a guest?

How about a kid that gives his mom everyone convinces him?

How about a child that gives his mom or a a dad like a one-free hug and kiss coupon for like Father's Day or something?

But then the father gets his wallet stolen, and then a guy finds it, the coupon,

and the court rules that

kiss his penis.

Yeah, well, the child still owes the kiss because it's like you can't discriminate.

Of course.

And it was your fault for

legal tender.

If I lose a dollar, whoever picks it up, that's their dollar.

I'm sorry, your son is going to have to hug and kiss man.

If he has the coupon.

Yeah, I mean, there's no expiration date on here.

This is a legally binding contract.

That's right.

Yeah, you need

a small print.

Kissing, kissing, crying in court, kissing this and hugging this pedophile who's

redeeming the coupon.

I like that, dude.

You better hope there's no massage involved.

One free massage for mom on Mother's Day.

A foot rub.

Did you ever do a coupon book for your mom?

I think so.

Oh, my goodness.

A coupon book?

Yeah.

No, never.

That's what you mean.

For her birthday.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I was like the thing I'm describing.

I'm not describing.

I thought I just, for whatever reason, I imagined you taking the Value City,

taking the Value City coupon book, putting it in wrapping paper, and giving it to your mom as a present.

I wasn't that good of a son.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on.

You well, first cutting out the good ones for himself.

Cutting out the ones he wanted.

He's beautiful in the end.

Why are all these mini golf coupons gone?

Good for one hug, I'm sorry, but it says good for one hug and kiss right here, sir.

Just knocking on your door, Pedophil.

You can't hug and kiss my son.

If I have to get the police involved, I will.

Is this not his handwriting?

Daddy, who is it?

Just go inside, Billy.

Just get back inside.

All right, Billy, put on your scuba suit.

All right, we need you protected.

The hug and kiss will be on the customer's terms.

Put on the onesie and zip it all the way up, Billy.

Local pedophile was arrested for counterfeiting and redeeming free hug and kiss certificates with local children.

The press and they go to his house.

Just some guy.

I like that even better.

As a pedophile going to a guy's house or whatever and showing the coupon to the dad, and the dad just like looking at it through his reading glasses and be like,

I don't know.

I mean, I guess it's, yeah, this looks like one of his.

Honey, get out of here.

Okay, well.

You're going to learn about promising things to people.

He has the certificate.

So

it looks exactly like the one you gave me on my birthday last year.

You're going to learn how much a man's word means.

Well, he said he was going to call the police.

Do you want to go to jail?

Yep.

Or do you want to come out here and spend 12 minutes with this man in his shit?

Do you want to come out here and hug and kiss this man for the coupon?

Take the coupon back.

And that's how my dad told me.

Honey, this is your QR code on here.

Okay?

We scanned it.

Your name comes up.

That's so funny.

Yeah, it is funny, Adam.

Thanks.

Sorry for the compliment.

Oh, by the way,

man, what's up, Faggot?

Yeah, what's up, Faggot?

Whoa, bones.

Geez, man.

Elmer Fudd goes home to his husband.

That was hate speech.

Fuck, I keep.

You're a white.

I shouldn't try to be on the

other Republicans were mean to me.

I thought if I just acted like them, they would accept me, even though I'm gay.

But one of the rabbits called me a faggot.

I say, I say, where's that rabbit?

That's his husband.

He's very funny.

You show me the guy who called you a fag.

He's fucking a giant chicken.

Giant chicken goes and fucks up bugs for doing a hate speech on his gay husband, Elmer Funt.

Listen, listen.

I said, listen here, son.

I'll show you a faggot if you want to see one.

Listen here, son.

Yep, foghorn punitively raping bugs for doing hate speech.

Baghorn, leghorn.

There it is.

Count it up.

Fag horny leg horny.

Oh, I just want to say thank you to everyone at Chicago, Milwaukee, and Eau Claire.

The shows were great.

Yeah,

it was really nice.

Admittedly, I was very scared to go out on the road without my boys alone, solo cell, but I had Racine there.

I had Racine.

Racine's got an illegal pistol on him at all times.

Macho and Randy.

He's a concealed carrier.

In case he gets made.

I bought a laser motor.

I got my fucking expensive battery stuck in there.

Wow.

That's stupid of you, David.

Yeah, well, it's upsetting.

Well, thanks again to everyone.

You're right, yeah.

I was doing my thing.

And come see us this weekend.

Come see us this weekend in DC.

We have less than 100 tickets left, standing room to both shows.

To both shows, 8 p.m.

and a podcast at 10 p.m.

The Pound Off is the name of the venue.

It's the Black Cat.

The Black Hat.

Nick's been sending people to a gay sex club in D.C.

called the Pound Off.

Yeah, go to Club Apex.

Nick will be doing a special midnight show there by Day.

That's a special club in DC, right?

Apex?

There was that, and then there was the gay sports bar on U Street.

Oh, yeah, Nelly's.

Nelly's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They trick you with the sports, and then they try to fuck you.

Just the fellas.

Yeah, dude.

I remember I was just trying to watch a Ravens game.

Next thing I know, I'm sucking off four guys.

Yeah.

I remember me.

What a sinister, queer

at Soho

on P Street.

Well, P Street.

Yeah, and having a cigarette outside, and there was that fireside grill or something across the street.

I can't remember the name of it, like the fireplace grill or something.

It was like a barhouse tavern?

Maybe that was it.

And these two gay guys came outside, and one of them's like, you know, like quickly walking down the street.

They were having a fight, and the other one goes, he goes, Fine, go back to him.

He's just going to treat you like a slut.

That's all you are, is a fucking slut.

And I was like 17 at the time, so this is the first time I heard a man just

call another man a whore and a slut.

Tell me, that's the funniest thing about it.

I was like, damn, that's hilarious.

He's just going to fuck your ass in your mouth.

He's just going to treat you like a slut.

They got the same problems we do.

Yeah.

It is funny that you guys are just like, a lot of the just some of them are just cunts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of them are not homophobic.

But the ones that are women.

I'm so misogynist.

Not homophobic.

I don't have a problem with gay guys, but the ones that are the girls and the gays.

Oh, my God.

I don't know about those ones.

Just going to Nelly's, talking to all the tops.

A lot of the

fellas.

A lot of the gay guys in DC are like bitching fishnets.

Hey, get out of here.

This is supposed to be for guys.

A lot of the DuPont Circle gays in DC were like John Cena Marine Jarhead looking at them.

Really?

They were like jacked.

And how did you find that out?

Because I used to live in that area.

But you used to.

I used to fuck them.

Yeah.

I used to train with them.

Get fucked by them.

Yeah.

They called it training.

The slut of R Street.

Come out of the R of R Street.

R and 14th.

And Mike would be there with his hip hitching.

You're going to dox my old address.

His hand, you know, like on his hip or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's like, I'm just looking for the sailors in the ports for

fleet week?

Fleet week or something.

Well, yeah, I like nodding.

And then they'd rape him or something.

That's the end of Adam.

You guys know how calling someone gay goes.

That old tale.

That old classic tale of Colin Similar gay.

Adam buying his own prison uniform and sagging the pants on the street.

Just letting everyone know.

Just with every color handkerchief, every bandana possible tied together.

I remember my old apartment complex, like

with the maintenance guy, he had been in and out of prison or whatever.

But one time he was like, he's like, I forget what he was talking about, but he's like, they make you pull your fucking pocket inside out, you know, pull a pocket out like that, and then they make you hold on to it.

So now you're going to carry around.

You have to

hold their pocket like that because now you're somebody's bitch.

And you have, you have, they have, they use you for whatever they want.

And it was like, what are you doing right now?

We're like, you're at work.

Yeah.

I remember on like the sink is fucking dripping.

Can you please fix it?

Could you please, yeah,

just go install the ceiling fan in 318?

Tell us about what your boyfriend would do.

On those Maury scared straight episodes where they take kids to prisons, the guys would like take their pockets out and they'd be like, now hold my, hold my pocket.

But like, that's how you scare kids from going to jail.

Don't get raped.

Don't get raped.

I mean, I guess it works.

Did you know there was like an eight?

Did we already talk about this?

Let's put it

scared.

Oh, yeah, but just real quick, prison would not work if there wasn't the specter of rape happening.

I don't know about that, man.

You don't get to see your family.

You sleep in a shitty little bed.

Your life and career is put on hold for X amount of years.

What if your career is being a criminal?

I mean, like, if you're.

As a child, I thought, like, yeah, I'm going to be a bank robber, and then I guess I'll go to prison for 10 years, which is my

seven-year-old understanding of prison is I just roll up cigarettes in my sleeve and whittle with a bunch of other guys that play harmonica.

And it's like, that sounds great.

I mean, a place where if like prison was, if you take the rape out of it, it's just lifting weights and arguing about the TV.

That's basically my life.

No, as it is,

I have, I have literally.

So you think,

you take the rape away.

I'll even take the violent assaults.

I don't give a shit about the fights.

You take away rape from prison.

I have zero fear of prison.

Free health.

That is not true.

It's 100% true.

I want to go to prison.

I would not give.

If they were like 15 years, I'd be like, ah, fuck it.

15 years is so long.

Yeah, but I'm to not be able to move around.

You would

just get your TV.

You don't get this big ass TV.

You don't get a big ass TV.

You don't get the game.

That's not true, dude.

You do get the game.

You just got this stack of Blu-rays from Criserian, dude.

What are you going to do?

You don't get to eat lamb chops?

You don't get to get pussy for 15 years.

I mean, come on, bro.

You can't get pussy, though.

No, he's saying you can't get prisoners.

I get to get out of prison.

I'm like jacked as shit.

I got cool swastika tattoos all over my body

that you got for free, too.

You don't really have to pay for it.

Yeah, you just get free swastika.

I'm in a gang.

Yeah.

I got a cool rockabilly haircut.

All right.

That's a good point.

Yeah.

You're right.

Rape is essential to the criminal.

I would get so much reading done.

I'd read every fucking book in that library.

I'd come out smarter.

Mm-hmm.

Smarter, more racist.

Yeah.

Jacked.

Yeah.

That's all society needs.

I'd go Muslim.

Would you?

I think so.

You got a Muslim boyfriend?

You got a Muslim boyfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you guys click?

Well, there's no rape.

Does that mean it would be all consensual gay sex?

Yeah, you could have loving relationships, just no race.

The majority of the sex happening in prison is consensual.

The vast majority of it is

consensual.

If you look at the statistics, I mean,

by and large, Nick just wants a place to be gay and racist.

That's all he's saying.

No, I mean,

for the most part, it's

just supposed to lift weights and be gay somewhere.

Be in love.

Wait, real quick, though.

You can bet on whether or not...

Okay, yeah.

Go to a website called betthesi.com and take bets on whether or not rape actually exists in prison.

If all those guys are gay and wanted it.

If he didn't want to be held down by nine guys and sodomized, maybe he shouldn't have walked around like that.

Absolutely.

You know, why did he accept those cigarettes on his his first day there?

True.

You know, there's a lot of people.

Bet on why he did that.

You can bet on why he did it at betthesi.com.

That's B-E-T-D-S-I dot C

O M.

The name of the website is BetTheSI.

Why?

Because it's spelled B-E-T-D-S-I dot com.

And you might be asking yourself, what is this website?

Well, it's a gambling website.

And what is it?

Well, it's a website.

And what is that?

Something on the internet.

And it's a game.

It's a place you can gamble.

And it's betesi.com.

And it pays out winners.

And we're back to the show.

And 24-hour customer support.

We're streamlining.

Should we at least say no?

Live

advertisers that we're doing this new thing where we're trying to do the reads as fast as possible.

Oh, no, both.

Auctioneer stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

But betsi.com is a gamer.

We're back to the show.

But we will.

It's called Subliminal Messaging.

In that 45 seconds, we will mention prison rape.

Yeah.

To be clear.

It won't stop being problematic.

Yeah.

What I start doing is I go,

I'm now placing the ads in the middle of the n-word.

So me

betthesi gir.com is the new premier

bet the si sports gambling website gur.com this is going to make them stop i think you found it no it's not because people this is what people have been waiting for years to hear it

and i mean i'm not going to promise you an ad-free use of the n-word oh i see yeah oh this is because you you want to hear the n-word?

You got to do it.

You're listening to the word.

Yeah, you can't skip.

I'm now advertising within the N-word.

It is a mid-N-word sale of an ad breed.

And it costs $50,000.

Bet the SISI

award-winning customer service.

Promo code.

Bet the SI.com.

They've been in business over 20 years paying out winners and taking money from losers.

Yeah, you fucking loses

you losers who don't use betthesi.com where you can become a winner.

Because the real losers are the people not gambling.

Not gambling.

Not gambling.

You fucking niggas.

It's like Wayne Gretzky

always said, you get none of the pussy you don't try to just take for yourself.

Wayne Gretzky's famous quote.

Who are the losers?

The guys

who don't take pussies.

Take all the pussy they want.

You can bet on Wayne Gretzky at the SI.com.

They offer wagers on famous hockey games such as the Gretzky Final.

You can bet on Alames, yeah.

And reality, too, all sorts of reality TV.

Politics.

Yeah, politics.

Who's The Bachelor?

What is The Bachelor?

Gamble now about it.

Can you see The Bachelor's cock?

Can you see it through his pants?

Because he's wearing linens and it's wet.

This should have like the bachelor, and it's that mansion, all the women competing.

But then there's a gay guy that just watches from outside.

And if one of the women accidentally leaves the door open, he runs in and sucks the bachelor's dick.

And then the women have to peel them off.

And

the woman that leaves the door open and lets the gay guy suck off the bachelor gets kicked off the show.

That's fair.

So

that's how eliminations happen?

Yeah.

So every time someone gets eliminated, the guy has gotten sucked off at least once.

And it's called Mark Ripley's The Bachelor.

Damn, dude.

That's my version of it that you can bet.

You got Ripley on board, huh?

I don't know.

I was thinking.

Believe it or not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's who Mark Ripley?

Yeah, yeah.

I think so.

Yeah, cool.

Yeah.

Believe it or not, this man is very gay.

I've believed everything he's ever told me.

Well, you can believe that BetTSI.com has been in a business over 20 years paying out winners.

They got 24-7 customer service,

you know,

that they're open all the time.

That's right.

Christmas, New Year's.

Yeah.

Call them up, complain.

Poor them.

They got an award-winning, easy-to-use mobile app, mobile playing interface.

So you can bet on the go, you know, when you're walking out on your family.

I think we've done that one before.

You know, they they got

you get pussy you can have?

You got they got pussy you can have Gretzky style, Gretzky style pussy.

Bet the aesthetic on the website promo code 120.

Promo code come120.

And let me pull up.

I always forget this fucking bullshit, dude.

You'd think I'd be able to get it.

It's the thing about

casinos.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Up front.

You're going to be in the sports book, which is where we like to gamble.

We like that part.

We know that part.

You off the live in-game wager, and that's it.

Yeah, yeah, live in-game rage ring, so you can make plays throughout the entire games and event.

So you make sure he uses promo code CUM120.

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Let's start the show.

Bow went there to the beam winner and it'll come down.

Louis Gay Gomez presents the Louis Jay Gomez comedy special.

I'll tell you what, Louis didn't do wrong because he should have fucking raped those women.

Great.

Get doing

a white guy with dreadlocks in the audience, just shaking his head and smiling.

The amount of dudes that were like, can I go to selfie?

Like at the shows, and then they take their phone out and their lock screen is the Legion of Skanks logo.

Salute.

Salute.

I thought it happened once.

No, no, there's nothing.

My god.

You're not.

It was every single one.

All of them had it.

That is true, Adam.

There's no way that was more than two people.

It might have been three.

No, dude, it was one at two.

It might have been three.

At least two.

And you're lying about it being two, two, and now you're saying it might have been three.

Yeah, yeah, it might have been three.

That's remarkable.

That's a lot.

For a crowd of five people, that's a lot.

We got huge crowds at these shows.

I will say, salute to the listen, as hilarious, as much as we got a face tattoo.

The LOS bros come out, dude.

Thank you for coming.

Yeah, they come out.

You did not meet the face tattoo, guys.

No, I didn't meet him.

But I'm hoping to meet him this summer.

He looks like you.

Does he?

Yeah.

Really?

He's ugly too?

I think he's an HIV victim.

Why do they call that AIDS victims?

It's like you did it to yourself, motherfucker.

All right, man.

No, I mean, come on.

All right.

No, I hey,

no, I'm just saying over here.

If I'm just saying, it's just, I don't

come back, guys.

Need to take more prep.

No, let's talk about that.

All I'm saying is that they did it to themselves.

I can't.

Did you see Prepa?

Call me a racist for that?

The fifth case of HIV contraction

for someone taking prep happened.

Oh, I got to get out of here real quick.

Well, it doesn't work on fat guys.

Yeah, you got to take double the prep.

Let's argue about it.

Does it really not work?

That's crazy.

Apparently, they said that it's, yeah, the fifth case is just.

Wow, it sounds like a real panic at the disco.

Vegas, baby.

Band of myself.

Now we know what the name of the band meant.

It's about finding out prep doesn't work.

Damn, I can't think of a panic of the disco song.

I'm closing the

oh no, I'm in the bathroom, and I just found out my medicine doesn't work,

and I just sucked off 35, guys.

You know, because there's a guy out there.

Prep came out in like day one.

He's like, just bust in every hole.

Just fuck me.

Just look, I'm going to, here, look, I got paper cuts coming.

Fuck all my paper cuts.

You like my eye sockets.

Here, I'll pull my lower eyelid out, make a little fountain for you to nut in so we can be sure that the cum is in my bloodstream.

Don't worry, I'm on prep, baby.

Pause me up.

And then you get later, they're like, yeah.

So, about that prep.

Turns out you can't get cum fountain.

Yeah, as long as you didn't do the cum eye fountain,

as long as you didn't make the eye drop.

I specifically asked my doctor if if I could.

That guy's at work just reading that fucking, reading that article on his phone.

Everyone's like, What's wrong?

Terrence is like, Nothing.

Like, are you crying?

And he's like, I hope so.

I hope I'm just crying.

Is it coming out of his eyes a year later?

I hope I'm just, those are just tears.

Damn, dude.

Sorry.

Sorry to those guys that got AIDS, dude.

That sucks.

You got AIDS?

That sucks.

That shit sucks, dude.

That fucking sucks.

Sorry, bro.

Well, at least they'll have...

They'll get heavy paid, you'd think.

Yeah.

Right?

They just got to fucking drop the...

Yeah.

Drop some dollars.

They probably take that pill in there like King Congress got shit on me.

And then they got...

You live the Magic Johnson lifestyle from now on.

Yeah.

Well, he got rid of his shit.

No, he's got it.

No, he's done.

What do you mean?

He's HIV-free.

That's not, it's undetectable.

Yeah, he had sex with you.

He went to Africa and had sex with a bunch of virgins.

Yeah.

Infantry.

I mean, it's, yeah, like, the wheel doctor told me.

I mean, I'm not, like, super into homeopathic stuff, but that's the one that works.

There is.

Yeah.

I cut out gluten, and I've been going to Africa to have sex with virgins.

Untraceable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's just, well, I'm untraceable.

I've never felt better.

Wow.

That's good to know.

That's pretty cheap, huh?

You just fly over.

How much does that set you back?

Well, you gotta I mean, it's tricky because there's a flight.

And you have to go to a village and build a school for the girls to watch it.

And then

you have to get them

while they're on their way to the school.

Nice thing about Africa.

Yeah, nice thing about Africa is the school doesn't really need to be much more than a pile of cow shit with some leaves on top of it.

Right.

So you get like

books.

Yeah, you just hollow out the middle, and then you put a picture of like a smiling bumblebee on the wall.

There you go.

That's a school.

It says, don't bug me, I'm reading.

Yeah, one of those kind of things.

And then, ironically,

they do get bugged.

They bug you up.

Wow, interesting.

So you get like a cherry.

It's just because bees aren't bugs.

They're arachnids.

You would know that if you went to school.

No, they're not, dude.

Spiders are arachnids.

If you fucking had learned anything in spiders, bitch, that's one of the few things I know.

Excuse me, who do you think knows more about this?

You, some fat moron, or a bug.

A guy who owns several institutions in Africa.

What you own them too?

Well, yeah, I set up the schools.

Oh, I didn't know they were profitable.

Gay for pay.

Oh,

you get them to pay.

How about a guy that doesn't understand what gay for pay means and it's Friday and everyone's getting paychecks?

And he's like, oh boy, I am gay for pay.

I can't wait to get my paycheck.

I'm simply.

He thinks he has to suck off the guy giving out the checks.

Well, that's back to being gay for pay.

No, no, no.

He's already earned the money by doing work, but he also just sucks off the guy just literally handing out the pay.

Yeah, but it's also like that's not him.

That's not him misunderstanding what gay for pay means.

Yes, it is.

Gay for pay is

having gay sex for your money.

Because he thinks he has to have gay sex to get the money.

So he is still thinking that he has to do gay shit for his pay.

No, but I see what Stop's saying.

I see what Stav's saying if you're gay after you get paid.

It's not like I'll give you 20 bucks to be gay.

It's like, well, that's why I hate having to deal with Greek people.

No, it's.

It has to get into this metatextual argument where he deliberately misinterprets.

This is a Socratic kind of

Socratic.

Socratic.

This is a, yeah, this is a philosophy.

Gay for pay is philosophers.

I'll give you $40, you suck me off, right?

This guy thinks he gets paid for his job.

Right.

and then he goes gay because when he's paid well wow i guess gay for pay i have to suck dick to get my money that i'm already that i already earned no no no then you lost me there okay i was with you until then well what did you think i was saying that he gets paid and he's so happy he just got paid oh no

the semantic distinction is between the definition of pay or like or what what you mean by pay is pay money that you're already owed because you earned it or is pay right he's being gay for free so the substantive difference is between like is just

exists solely in the word pay in this instance.

Yes, gay we can all agree with.

Well, what is gay?

Gay and then also for.

Both gay and for, like the operator and like the action are both like understood here.

Oh, although.

So is the pay like pay is money that is generated by the gay action?

Exactly.

That's that's that's what I'm saying.

I'm not

saying or maybe Saba saying that he gets his paycheck at work for being a fucking computer programmer or something, right?

No, he's getting paid not for being gay.

No, but he thinks

he's getting

to be so excited that he's become gay.

Right.

He thinks he has to also be gay, though.

No, then that's gay for pay.

That's classic gay for pay.

No, then that's yeah, that's gay for pay.

That's classic gay for pay.

It's like if you had to go to HR to pick up your paycheck, you wouldn't say that you're being paid the walk to HR.

That's just where your paycheck is.

Right.

Right.

But he would be gay to get it.

He thinks you have to be gay to get it.

Once again, we've broken these people's minds.

Broken their brains.

No, I get up to just wrinkle my blinds, huh?

No,

I just wanted to close the window a little bit.

Why, dude?

Fuck, I should have said it there.

I'm running hot.

I've been running hot.

You want to switch spots?

It's nah, we're in the middle of the show.

I mean, we keep doing the show.

We have long microphones.

No, mine's short.

I got a new character for the show.

Manic Pixie black guy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, damn, slick.

I'm trying to go on an adventure with your office space-looking ass, man.

What you doing, man?

Why are you so wound up?

Man, you're 36 years old.

You're still a young man.

Stuffy as shit.

Come paint my toenails.

They all different colors.

Wow,

he's so manic, that black guy.

Do you want to go to a Donna at 4 a.m.?

No, not the one in town.

Let's rent a car and go to one six times over.

Wow.

I'm bringing my ukulele.

I got an even smaller ukulele, too.

It's for my dog.

What's my dog's name?

He doesn't have a name.

And he's actually a cat.

Damn, that's you, dude.

That last part is you.

You're a manic.

No, I may not have a cat.

Well, he hasn't named him.

Well, the cat is, in my opinion, too beautiful for a name.

The cat is really gorgeous.

It's a beautiful cat.

What about something like Astrid?

That's stupid as shit.

You fucking moron.

You stupid asshole.

I've been watching Game of Thrones.

I've only met fat Mexican girls named Asshole.

Really?

Yeah.

I was thinking it's like some British bitch's name.

Maybe.

Yeah.

How about Game of Phones?

And it's a bunch of like Pakistani men that love cell phone accessories.

That's right.

Yeah.

Like belt clips,

Bluetooth.

Like, baby Johnny, I cannot wait to have a

new belt clip to wear.

Welcome to Game of Phones.

It's like HBO's latest project is Smash Hit.

Real neutral phone store.

Would they just be in a phone store?

They're nowhere.

Literally.

They're sitting on, yeah,

on like a couch at a production company.

They didn't even bother getting a set.

Wow, it's real low buds.

Yeah, tape Indian men.

Talking about how much they love phones.

Yeah, I was laughing too, imagine an Indian guy the other day who's just

like waving to his postal worker that's a male woman, you know, and he's smiling and he's like, Mama, please let me fuck onto you.

Hello, please.

And he does it every day.

That's pretty cool.

And she can't hear him, so she's like, hello.

Oh, okay.

He's on the other side of the window.

Is he old?

No, he's an Indian, so he's a millionaire.

So the driveway is very long.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so this man is rich and still trying to sexually.

Oh, yeah, he's Indian, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty.

Are there gay Indian

guys like that?

No.

No, there hasn't been one.

No.

Yeah.

But then I mean, oh, they're constantly trying to fuck men.

Oh, like horny, gay Indian guys.

Yeah, horny, gay Indian guys.

Or is just being gay take care of that problem?

Well, yeah, you just get to fuck if you want to fuck that bad.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know if they're like, you know,

desirable in the community.

Interesting.

Are there Indian chasers in the gay community?

I'm sure there are.

They're guys that are like, I need a Pakistani

fans of the South Asian.

Sri Lankan.

Sri Lankan little brown cock and ass.

Yeah, maybe.

I assume there are.

I guess so.

They're big on fetishization in the community.

The homosexuals.

The homosexuals.

Yeah.

Not us straights.

No.

We have no fetishes.

Not me.

I mean, is liking big-ass titties a fetish?

No, right?

No, the best.

Is that cross-dressing in India if you put the dot on?

Oh, that's that's real low.

I think it's pretty cool to be an Indian trans guy.

You're like, I feel like a woman, and I'm done.

I finished doing

transition, and I finished transitioning.

And now I have transitioned completely.

He's like, it's like those Reddits for trans people or whatever, where they show their transition or whatever it is.

Six months on HRC.

And then the next picture he's just got.

The same exact picture.

Two months

Same under armor polo.

That's good.

Yeah, yep.

And you can bet on that at bluechew.com.

Oh, yeah.

Blue Chew's back, huh?

I got to say, I love you.

I love Blue Chew as a customer.

Not only do we advertise, but we use.

We use.

In fact, I use it so frequently, I run out of the medicine before the new one comes.

And I start frantically emailing the customer service department and punching holes in the wall because I am addicted to these pills.

Nick, I remember one time literally took one when he was not going to have sex.

I believe his girlfriend was out of town, and he just decided, I'm going to take one just for the, for the

sake of it.

Yeah, yeah.

It feels good while gaming.

Yeah.

Get that

nitrous oxide in your blood.

Is that what it puts in your blood?

I think so.

Is that NAS?

Yeah.

It said no explode shit.

Hell yeah, dude.

NAS.

NAS?

You know, it would be great.

To be honest with you, I have absolutely no idea how it works at all.

I would just assume it does something.

Like, yeah, it helps blood flow, lowers your blood pressure, which is good for the gym.

It's good for everything.

I take it

to solve a lot of self-diagnosed stuff.

It tastes good.

That's the thing I like most is it does taste like food.

It does taste good.

Does it help general circulation or like your hands and feet warmer?

I have cold hands and feet.

No, I don't know.

You should take a picture.

You can't find out.

That is true.

What Nick said is true.

It's also a big problem, is that you're just a big old man.

That is just had circulation issues.

What Nick actually said about you being a pussy.

In fact, I'm looking at the fine print on Blue Chew's website.

Oh, no.

No, you're not.

It says Adam.

I'm looking at your phone right now.

You're not looking at it.

You're not looking.

Yeah, he is.

I'm looking at him.

He is looking at that Adam.

Let me just say,

Blue Chew said that I'm a pussy.

I mean, we don't know that it's you, but it says Adam, and we can assume.

Oh, it's probably someone else.

Maybe Adam Duritz from the counting crew.

Wait, Nick's zooming in.

I'm zooming in.

It says you're gay.

Adam Friedland.

Must be another Adam.

No, it says Adam Friedland.

There's plenty of Adams in the world.

It says Adam Friedland.

But I'll tell you what, guys.

If you like sex, you'll like Blue Chew.com

because they offer men a performance-enhanced

favorite.

Wow, PEDs, man.

I have confused women I've had sex with after hitting them pre-blue chew and then post.

The phrase, felt like a different dick, has been thrown around.

So that is a great testimony.

It feels good.

That's a tremendous testimony.

Yeah, it's not just for the bedroom, it's also for the bathroom, the living room,

any place you have.

A taxi.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, it's definitely.

Is your flaccid dick bigger on it?

I don't, I can't.

I think so.

I think that has more to do with it.

It feels like it's hanging

in the room.

You think so?

I was in the pool.

It feels like it hangs lower and heftier.

You think so?

Like, when you're pissing, you're like, this is a nice thing.

I'm like, damn, I would suck this if it wasn't mine.

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That's right, bro.

You and me.

You know, if you're a military first responder, you're one of the tough guys that listens to our tough guy podcast.

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You can't eyeball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All your years of karate practice results in nothing

except listening to more time.

Except paying a Brazilian man $7,000 every three months.

This guy that grew up in a fucking favela,

who had to hunt his own food with safety scissors as a child,

is saying, you know what?

You're the tough guy, man.

You listen to your tough guy podcast.

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Directly you're doing discreet packaging.

I love that Brazilian accent.

You're tough like me, man.

How?

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It does work well.

I like it.

I like it.

My cock gets hard as shit.

I like taking drugs.

And I can only speak for the Cialis one, but I feel like it lasts like quite some time.

It's 24 hours, I thought.

But I mean, like, for like a week almost.

Really?

Yeah.

I got to get in there, man.

Mm-hmm.

I feel residual cock hardenings.

Like a kid, like on your way to school.

You get random boners?

You probably do.

I do.

That's cool.

I will get a random midday boner.

Do you remember that on the way to school boner?

Yeah, dude.

I'll tell you, I've been back to wearing because I'm going hard in the gym wearing like compression gear and it

feels so much better.

I I switched

because I stopped depending on

a lump on one of my balls and I'm pretty sure I literally shrunk my balls with either compression shorts or just living off cigarettes.

It's one of the two that did it.

You think you shrunk your balls?

Maybe, yeah, I do think like definitely in the last like seven years.

The skin or the actual

balls have gotten smaller in the last like seven years.

Is that from a like a dependent testosterone, maybe?

I think so.

Your nuts have gotten littler.

Yeah, I've been taking a lot of time.

Yeah, it's low T, dude.

No, dude, your nuts get literally too much of an outfit.

You're not a member of the community.

Your skin hangs longer.

You seen an old man's balls?

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, but that's not from low T.

It's from being old.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've never gotten my shit tested or whatever, but no, I had like a lump, and I had to go to the fucking doctor.

I remember that.

You were

short.

Maybe that broke off.

I stopped wearing like compression shorts after that because I'd wear them all the time.

You wanted your nuts to breathe?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought maybe that was like the issue.

Was it?

What happened to the lump?

I don't know.

I just stopped.

Like with most medical things, I go to the doctor and they're like, oh, I don't know.

We don't know.

And I just stopped worrying about it.

But not cancer.

Yeah, he was like, you know, he's like, unless something changes, don't worry about it.

Yeah.

But anyways, blue shoe, yeah.

That'll help.

Anyway, your cock will get hard.

You will remain cancerous.

And your nuts will be fucking fat.

Mine are fat as shit.

Yeah.

So take that for what it's worth.

You know I have low hangers.

I do.

You have little nuts, but they're dense.

They're not little.

They're little.

They're good, but they hang low.

But they hang low.

Yeah.

Yeah, you see them from behind.

I have seen your nuts from behind.

But that's because you

have like zero

dicks.

Yes, but you have like zero muscle mass on your legs or ass.

Oh, you don't know what I've been doing in the gym recently.

No, it was little marbles.

They're like heavy little marbles.

It was a marble.

You misrepresented them.

They're heavy little marbles.

They're not as nuts are.

Yes, they are.

No, they're not.

Yes, dude.

They're nice clementines.

They're the biggest marble.

They're not clementines.

No.

They're clementines.

They're like those red globe grapes with seeds in them still.

Which ones are those?

Those are the big-ass ones with seeds.

I think they're bigger than that.

They're like the biggest kind of that grape.

Well, thank you.

But they're still grapes.

You said the biggest of that of a big.

The only word I heard was biggest.

That's fine, dude.

I got little nectarine nuts, but like a nectarine is a good size.

Nectarine is huge.

That's too big.

It's a little one, though.

You have big grape nuts.

You say a little nectarine, you say a clementine.

I have a little nectarine, though.

It's sweeter than a clementine.

A nectarine is like the size of an apple.

A nectarine is huge.

A little bit.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm confused.

I'm talking about.

I'm confused that I don't know any of the fruits.

A little nectarine.

Well, my nuts are the size of a little nectarine, and Adam's nuts are the size of a big grape.

No, a nectarine is the size of a small apple.

No.

Well, maybe yes, it is.

I'm the size of a fucking base.

Mine is a below average nectarine.

That's how big my nuts are.

Your nuts aren't that big.

Yeah, you can't say it's the size of something and say, well, it's not the size.

I've seen your nuts in your fucking anteater dick.

I mean, honestly,

it looks like all of your genitals are uncircumcised.

It looks like some sort of car.

It's like you have uncircumcised balls.

Your crotch looks like just a huge pussy.

It's kind of really alarming.

No, it doesn't.

I got two fat little nectarines and a little hand eater.

My dick is small.

I've never said it's not.

I'm on record saying my dick is small.

My dick is like a deposition.

Your honor.

I have never denied the fact that my dick was tiny.

Is it Blue Chew?

Bluechew.com slash come town.

You're kind of a shower, not a grower, though.

Your flaccid dick is decent.

No, it's not.

I've seen it plenty of times.

My dick is much nicer hard, of course, as is everyone's.

No, I think you have above-average flaccid, hard.

No.

Terrible.

No, that's not true.

I have below, I would say, little, little flaccid dick, pretty nice.

Nothing to be ashamed of hard.

That's how I'll put it.

We all love it.

And when I'm on a blue chew,

it jumps up a level, brother.

What do you think?

Extra half inch?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, that's nice.

It's really nice.

An extra half inch is nice.

Yes.

It is nice.

In my experience, it just makes it easier for my dick to stay hard.

I don't think it does anything.

Whoa, okay.

The very beer brags, Nick.

No, it's not.

No, no, I agree with you, but it also makes whatever.

Because my problem is, you know, like I'm fucking, you get like five, ten seconds into it, and you're like, I'm fucking bored.

I want to play video games.

I want to check my phone.

I want to look at my phone.

Bitch.

Bitch.

Bitch, shut up.

I'm on the phone.

Phone, bitch.

That's the guy also talking to a woman he's fucking.

You know, Labrador.

Bitch, I'm on the phone.

Bitch.

I'm on the fucking phone.

Do we have a promo code for Blue Chew?

Yeah, I already did it.

Did you?

You said it already.

But yeah, so we got to talk about

Justin.

We have to apologize.

We're going to talk about Kim Fox's face.

No, we have to apologize.

We do not have to talk about that.

I mean, I'm not going to say anything about it, folks.

I just wanted you to look this way.

No, we don't have to talk about that.

Right ahead.

Call in to the Tucker Carlson show and let them know what you think she looks like.

Do not do that.

Why don't you get on a private phone call with Tucker Carlson and get

whatever you want?

What kind of Tucker Carlson?

You think

an animal?

No.

No, don't ask him that.

What breed of dogs?

There's no way it's not going to be very racist.

I'm trying to think what cartoon she looks like.

I think

it's about Mr.

Boogie.

If you say

not even

something else, we should talk about how sorry we are for smirching apologies, Jussie.

Jussie's name.

Nothing wrong.

Yeah, hold on.

What's his name?

Mr.

Oogie Boogie.

No,

that is not his name.

Mr.

Oogie Boogie.

From Crash Band.

She doesn't.

No, from Nightmare Bend.

Oogabooga from Crash Bandicoot.

Yeah, Oogie Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas is who she looks like.

I know.

I don't know who that is.

Where mouth goes the entire width of her face.

Hmm.

Interesting.

I mean, she has a very interesting face.

That's fine.

You can say that, I suppose.

You can say interesting.

I got five inches.

What do you guys think of that?

Did you see that movie?

I did.

Was it scary?

I got five inches.

And that's counting.

Are you reading the racist Yelp reviews for businesses?

No.

Oh, I guess someone's doing that, is you?

Oh, God.

Looks like racist reviews on black-owned businesses.

Someone's doing that and saving the name Adam for me.

Let me use it.

Are they using his picture?

It's a picture of you, and it's got your name next to it, man.

You got to take that down, Adam.

Adam, you shouldn't be doing that stuff.

I hate my life.

I got five inches.

Yeah, it was an entertaining movie.

I had some scary screws.

There were some scary parts, yeah.

I liked it, but I don't want to say that.

I don't want to talk spoilers.

No, the other one was so good, so good, yeah, but it was good, but there were some problems.

I got a movie rec, uh, dragged across concrete, the new uh, Craig Zoller movie, who did Bone Tomahawk and uh,

Vince Vaughn, so block 99?

Yeah, uh,

Mel Gibson play, it is, the movie is straight up right-wing, and Mel Gibson plays a racist cop, really, and it rocks

in Dragged Across Concrete.

Damn, yeah, but it's it's awesome.

Okay, there's like a scene scene where they're like, what happened to men?

They're like sitting at a diner, and Vince Vaughn's like, Vince Vaughn's in it too?

Yeah, they're like,

he was in his last one, though, right?

He was in the last one.

Now he's Vince Vaughn's back.

Because I think Vince Vaughn is also right-wing, too.

Yeah, he is.

He's a Hollywood Republican.

Oh, so it was.

You mean the messaging is right-wing?

Yeah, I mean, it's like.

How the fuck is his name Vince Vaughan?

It's a cool name.

That's like the name you give the police when you're like flying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

uh my name uh sean schunz it's probably is it a hollywood name sean shoots is his name probably

vince vinjo is his name vince von von vonatello did it get shortened to vaughan at ellis island vince von titts

this is a dutch

oh

dutch titty family yeah there's this evening dutch do have heavy milk bags yeah do they i think so let's go to the phones let's figure it out it's been a while since we've looked at people keeping our phones during your recording.

I kept my phone away from me because I'd look at it too much during the show.

Hold on, shut up.

I'm trying to grow.

Shut up, I'm looking at Dutch titties.

Me and Stop are being straight right now.

Well,

while you're looking it up, there's a scene where they're like, What happened to men?

And then Vince Vaughan, like, he's silent for a second.

He goes, It all started when they started saying, We're pregnant.

No,

really?

Yeah, I'm looking at these tits.

They're pretty good, but nothing particularly Dutch-looking.

What country has the biggest titties?

We've already asked this question.

But I will say the ones that are big are nice.

Britain, maybe?

Yeah.

I think that's what you said last time.

Because they're heavy, heavy, like bangers and mash titties.

I guess.

I got five inches.

That's what I'm completely.

Right?

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

What?

Ooh.

British.

Kirby newcomer Stephanie Austin of Busty Britain.

I like her titties are pressed up against the glass there.

Should I go to China?

I don't know.

Arguing with people.

They would.

Homer argues with that bird.

That'd be fun.

China seems so stressful, dude.

I don't want to.

I know you love that type of shit.

You love the anarchy.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

I'm a son of it, dude.

That's right.

You're an adopted son of.

You're a biker.

Everybody who knows me.

I've been laughing about doing like if I just became like just some meltdown boomer, like I got into like motorcycles, like wearing Sons of Anarchy stuff, and I'm always talking about Vietnam.

Yeah.

Just like the, but my brothers laid down on the line.

Some retarded, like,

you know, you should do that.

Just a, yeah, just a boomer guy.

Trump's got like a crew, bikers for Trump.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bikers on.

And they're all those kind of guys.

Can you imagine such a place?

Like Rikers?

Which island's worse?

Staten or Rikers?

Dude, chill out.

Chill out.

One's the worst one in New York.

Stop!

I'm stopping.

I was joking.

You're being fucked up right now.

It was messing up.

You were messing up.

That's right.

It's just messed up.

I didn't mean it.

It's okay.

Does New York City have like an isle of retards?

They do.

Is there a place where they like send all the retards?

Yeah.

Didn't they used to have one?

Yeah, it's called.

Was Roosevelt Island once an aisle of retards?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

You're thinking of Roosevelt Island.

Is that where they sent?

That's where they sent Franklin Delano Roosevelt's retarded brother.

He was the kid.

His retarded legs.

Yeah, yeah.

How about Hoosevelt?

He's a slut.

Franklin Delano Hoosevelt, and he's got a velvet penis.

Damn, that's tight.

That would be awesome, dude.

Would you would it get would it smell really bad or would he wash it all the time?

Um uh what?

Was Velvet Cock smell bad?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe.

That shit would be immaculate.

Would it be antimicrobial?

Anti-myhobial.

Myhobial.

I'm trying to think of something else to talk about.

What about the time you gave that guy a head?

That didn't happen.

What's going on in the news?

Stop looking at my phone, dude.

Let's be surprised.

What's going on in the news?

The biggest news in the world that Trump's innocent and he's going to get

Russia, dude.

Huh?

The Mueller report.

What's that?

Well, basically, this guy, Mueller, who?

Mueller, like Ferris Bueller, yeah, like Ferris Bueller.

Fucking funniest thing.

So the New York Times, you know, they do that, like, your daily briefing or whatever.

This is how fucking gay the New York Times is.

So it's like the daily briefing, it just,

you know, the Attorney General, blah, blah, blah.

It's like going over the Mueller report shit.

And it says, the special counsel, now that his report has been fired,

Mr.

Mueller is poised to return to civilian life as a figure of mystery and fascination.

What?

It's like

a regular Don Juan DeMarco.

Everybody at the New York Times should kill themselves.

Everyone, even the people that just do coding and stuff?

Yes.

Everyone.

Everyone.

Not just the journalists?

Everyone who reads the New York Times.

Like the janitor.

Maybe there's some nice guys.

Even the janitors.

The guy, the janitor doing math down in the basement.

Oh, the math genius.

Yeah.

But he's just a janitor, so no one would expect it.

It's so funny that that movie changed the way people look at janitors forever.

I don't think that guy might be a genius and it's like, no,

he's bringing little girls into his utility closet.

That's exactly what you thought he was.

Right.

Like, wow, I wonder if that guy's a math genius.

Just

admiring some man, but really he's just a pedophile.

Yeah, that movie's a

janitor propaganda.

Yeah.

Yeah, the big janitor lobby fucking finance.

Trying to make us trying to make us respect them.

Fuck that.

For cleaning.

Clean up.

Who the fuck solved this math problem?

Which one of you fucking faggots solved my math problem?

I had my board down here, and I didn't want anybody touching my fucking board and putting the answer on my fucking board, and one of you faggots touched my math problem.

An even more Boston version of a little hunting problem.

I don't know if the professor's not a problem.

Which one of you fucking faggots touched my fucking math problem?

All Harvard professors sound that way.

You want to come in to Harvard?

You got to fight me.

You're going to come to Harvard?

You got to fight me.

And you better not touch my fucking math problems.

You fucking faggot.

Which one of you pussies will come down here and fight me?

Take a fucking swing kid.

Solve this fucking math problem.

It's 9 a.m.

I'm fucking drunk.

I'm fucking hot.

I'm hot and I'm fucking hot.

I'm fucking hot and I'm fucking drunk.

I'm hot as shit.

Yeah, so anyway, Trump's gonna get re-elected.

Thank you.

Thank you, Rachel Rado.

I have to go back to Mexico.

It's like, that's right, motherfucker.

Get out.

I'm sorry.

They're making you leave.

Yeah, it's pretty fucked up, if you ask me.

Oh, yeah, he's getting rid of Obamacare.

Yeah.

I mean, Obamacare does suck dick.

Yeah,

like not having it sucked.

It was really cool that I was out of payment.

I don't know, dude.

This is my first time paying for this shit.

It's fucking horrible.

It's terrible.

It costs so much money, and it covers nothing.

I think I'm just going to get nothing.

Yeah.

I don't get co-pay.

It's nice that I paid until I spend $4,000.

I paid $2,000.

I paid like $2,200 in like doctor visits this year because I paid out of pocket.

That is way more worth it than getting health.

And then I, on top of that, was penalized about $3,400.

Oh, then it's probably worth getting a healthy.

No.

No, it's still not.

It's still not worth it.

It's still not.

I pay like $650 a month.

Yeah, me too.

I pay $700, dude.

And I don't get shit for nothing.

And I'm supposed to get my fucking sleep apnea machine, get your boy briefly at night.

The motherfuckers are taking like two to three.

I called the company.

They're like, oh, it'll take two to three weeks to approve it.

It's like, for what, bitch?

I went to the damn doctor.

Yeah, get rid of that whole industry.

I know.

Bernie.

Bernie.

Fuck those guys.

Bernie Jandars.

Bernie.

I cannot wait to be mad at Bernie Jandars.

Fuck, dude.

Yeah, this shit sucks.

Yeah.

I'm going to cure all my maladies with fucking

witch hazel and shit like that.

Yeah.

Crystals?

Crystals.

I'm going to put a fucking rose quartz in my pussy.

Oh, yeah.

Keep that shit tight, dude.

Do some fucking Kegels.

Healing crystals.

I am needing my healing crystal.

Hey, everyone.

BB here.

Just want to let you know.

I've got a healing crystal in my ass.

Is he into that?

He is now.

Hey, everyone.

Poor guy.

Salute, BB.

Yeah, what an idiot.

What a dumbass.

Hey, that guy's a real idiot.

Yeah, I checked out that BB guy.

He seems like a real fucking little bozo.

Real fucking moron.

This guy seems really stupid.

He sounds dumb as shit.

Fuck him.

Fuck BB.

Fuck that guy.

Fucking idiot.

Fucking stupid piece of shit.

Why are you fucking talking like this, buddy?

Talk normal.

I'm praying.

I don't know what to do.

I'm doing a can crush video for Adolf Hitler.

Yeah, I don't mind the retardation, but the racism really gets me.

As a member of Antifa, I can't wait until some fucking mentally retarded guy in a wheelchair does something so fascist as to say America is good so I can fucking finally act out my fantasy in which I'm a tough guy and I can beat up that retarded person with black block.

We're doing black block where I can pretend to be a black man.

Yeah, if they do blackface.

Antifa is just, they're guys that want to do blackface, but

they get as close as they can.

Confused guy joining.

He's like, hey, what the fuck?

Yeah.

No, what do you guys use the scarves?

Just use paint.

Yeah.

What is that, dude?

It looks good.

I don't know, but I'm eating it.

Is that a sandwich?

Yeah, it's a sandwich for guys only.

I'm a guy.

No, you're not.

What kind of sandwich is that?

Is it an Italian?

Can I have a big fat fucking lady?

No, I'm not.

I'm a big fat guy.

Yes.

A big fat titted lady.

I wish I had big fat titties.

If I was a girl, I bet I would have.

No, I would have little titties.

You would have the same size tits you have now.

You'd be one of those dumb bitches that's like, because you know, my boobs are so big.

No, your boobs are wide, bitch.

Yeah,

that's a tough draw to be fat and not have big titties.

Oh, yeah, that's rough.

I'm sorry to those gals out there, but

you're really

big titties.

All of her friends getting your positive reinforcements.

Like the first bad guy from Super Mario 64.

The mustache bomb on top of the mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

little cone square titties.

Nah, I think we're just going to head out.

I don't think we should hang out as a group.

Me and Stacey are just going to go.

We got a thing.

We got to go.

Yeah, no, I know we were all hanging out, but like,

you know, we're going to go.

I'm tired.

She's tired.

Look, we're going to go fuck.

I'm sorry there's no one to fuck you.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

But up, but up, but

That game was amazing.

Then one of the hammer bros comes and fucks her.

Yeah,

throws a boomerang in her pussy.

I'm just glad you're gaming now, Adam.

I'm so glad that I'm slowly turning you into me.

Yeah, I'm like,

it smells good, dude.

It's good, dude.

Yeah, I'm less virile, like game.

I'm depressed.

Your balls are getting smaller.

You're feeling full nick.

Yeah.

Your balls are getting smaller.

Your balls are shrinking at an alarming rate.

Unlike mine, they remind you

juicy.

Yeah.

I'm

flat brimmed caps to the sides i'm all cock

oh that's a good part you're right my balls do upstage my cock quite a bit yeah me too yeah but again you have

shut up you have a little fucking i don't have grape nuts

yes you do

yeah i'm trying to be like i'm trying to have like a like a bodybuilder's physique you know what i'm talking about no cock

as a boomer what i'm interested in is like like a 60 year old man going into a gym, going into Planet Fitness with his free personal trainer session,

just riding his motorcycle with tricycle and fucking training wheels on it, and then wearing his sons of anarchy vest and

like gym shorts into the gym.

He's like, Yeah, what I'm, I'm really, I'm more interested in having like a bodybuilder's fasu

because he can't even stand up straight.

He's just got that like soft knee posture.

Oh, fuck, where he bent backwards.

He's standing forward.

His knees are always hyperextended somehow.

Yeah, that reading glasses posture.

Or looking at the newspaper with reading glasses.

Shoulder slump knees.

When I was younger, I had more of a bodybuilder's physique.

Now I'm just, I'm trying to stay functional.

And then, you know, the personal trainer has to bring him over to like the Nautilus fucking chest press machine, and he can only bench like the first lowest weight settings.

Like,

now I was younger, I was was benching maybe five, six hundred pounds.

Tray's like, right, right, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, they don't have free weights there, right?

Planet Fitness?

No, yeah, they

don't have like a bench press.

Oh, they have a Smith machine.

Yeah, they have a Smith machine.

They have free weights, but they go up to like 80.

How about Prison Planet Fitness?

That would be a cool place to go.

Yeah, that British guy.

Yeah.

Imagine how little my cock is.

Alex Jones is the same, right?

Like World Wars.

Alex Jones.

Yeah, no, but Micro World Wars and Prison Planet are like the same.

It's all the same shit, right?

I don't fucking know.

Prison Planet's that big.

Globalists and the retards.

Globalists like Hillary Clinton and retards like BB are teaming up.

Why do they want to crush cans?

Because they're trying to convince you that climate change is real.

It's fucking not.

Pussy.

Yo, why do

a bunch of Sandy Hook people are committing suicide?

Yeah,

he acted pretty out of pocket about the kids.

Well, I'm a Sandy Hooker killing themselves, and I think the real thing we need to discuss is

I think it's about time we just admit that we owe that shooter an apology.

Okay.

So

we're going to fucking kill themselves anyway.

Oh, I see.

Was he wrong?

Yeah, I was still

the parent.

It took me a while to get there, and I didn't do it effectively.

He killed the kids.

But,

you know, hey.

Swing and it was a check.

It was a check swing.

It wasn't even a swing and a miss.

It was just a check.

It was more of a

demonstrating the task.

It didn't go around, though.

Still ball.

Let's go to the first base umpire.

He's safe.

Ball nine.

And

it's Georgie Christmas.

George Christmas.

Strike ass.

Strike ass.

Strike ass two.

Home run out of the park.

I'm being told it was a foul ball.

Oh, sorry.

And

it was a girl.

A girl.

I was looking for my phone again.

Does anyone have a charger?

If anyone has a charger, please come up here.

Yeah, you can come up to the booth.

I'm at 5% right now.

Fucking sucks.

I'm messaging this gal on Grinder.

On Grinder.

It's a girl.

If you want to send me your Nintendo Switch friend code,

this game's pretty boring.

I'm actually playing the Twilight Wizard as we speak.

You guys ever go to Ikinari Steak?

No, this is good, dude.

Is it Japanese?

It's Japanese, but they got them here, too.

Just a no-frill steak spot.

Yeah, we didn't mean it's Japanese, but they got them here, too.

I think it's Total.

They do like Wagner.

I guess Kobe, Wag U.

It's like a fast cash steak thing.

I like fast cash, dude.

Man, I'm on them today.

Yeah.

I just misinterpret everything.

I guess it's like

it's necessary for doing bits, but like you said it's Japanese, but they got them here, too.

I thought the implication was that they don't have Japanese food in New York.

Oh, yeah.

Like, there was some law against it.

Yeah, well, there is.

After Pearl Harbor.

Yeah, Bloomberg got rid of the big

cups and the Japanese.

Good for them, dude.

Now I'm laughing in my head about, like, you know, the famous picture of that sailor coming back from World War Two with his kissing the girl.

But it's like him just sucking some guy's dick's ass that way.

The greatest generation.

Someone, please, please fire that one up for us.

If you can,

please.

Remember, we wanted to do that sketch about going through your grandfather's old war pics?

And it's just like black and white photos of him.

Which literally came because I was looking at gay porn from the 1900s.

I was looking at vintage gay porn.

I was like, how funny it would be if somebody's going through their grandpa's war chest.

He left this to me after he died.

The thing, does it, isn't it?

Antiques Road Show, or Matt D.

V used to do that business.

Antiques Roadshow, though.

Oh, really?

Yeah, people are like, I remember there was one that was like, this is my grandma's chandelier or a candelabra.

And they were like, oh, okay.

Well, what this was for is they would put it in the window, and this was a prostitute's candle.

And it would signal to like, no, no, no, my grandmother was a seamstress.

Like, nope, no, this is a whore's candle.

Let them know that they were open for business for Chinese rail workers to come in and have sex with them.

That's good shit, baby.

Yeah.

An opium whore.

Yeah, I want to reboot Mad TV.

I actually wrote down a couple of sketch ideas.

I had one that you shoot it like a

like

a documentary, you know, like one of those like, what?

What do you say?

Gay sex.

What are you thinking?

That you're gay to the stuff.

No, what is this?

What is that?

I was like, yeah, gay.

Gay or not?

No, what is this?

Well,

do you have to go or something?

No, he, nothing.

What?

He checked the time and I was like, what, you know, I wanted an indication of where we were at, just to know.

Do you have to go?

No.

No,

it was just an academic

question.

I have nothing to do.

Let's go do another hour.

I have something to do soon, but I'm fine right now.

What about the sketch ideas?

Let's go through the sketches.

There's one

where

my dick gets sucked.

I told you guys that the last time.

So it's a couple in bed, and

it's like, okay, good night, honey.

I love you.

And then

they think they hear something or whatever.

And then the guy immediately picks a woman up.

He's like, rape her instead.

Rape her, take her or leave me.

You know, and then it turns out to be nothing.

He's like, I'm sorry.

It was a long day at work.

I tried to go back to sleep.

And then, you know, again, he's like, rape her and fuck her in the mouth.

You can rape her if I please.

And he's like, pulling her pants and clothes off and shoving her towards the door.

That's like kind of a mad TV kind of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, the one I said, Day Laborers, but it shot like Muppet Babies where the contractor's legs just go by in the frame.

Okay.

But then here's the one.

It's like a

medical documentary, you know, like one of those like,

you know, like specials on like, but it's an old black man that keeps being hospitalized because he can't stop thinking about pussy.

He's like, man, it's the only thing I can think about.

I'm thinking about it right now.

And he's like crying in his family's area with him.

He's like, it's just all day long.

You know, we wake up.

He thinks about pussy.

He's just thinking about pussy.

You know, we have to get his clothes dressed because he's just, you know, just shots of him like waking up in the morning, like, pussy, pussy,

pussy, pussy,

bring me my pussy, boy.

Yeah, you get it.

That's, that's all that is.

Yeah.

Do you find yourself like an old man just looking at pornography, but not intending to jack off?

No, I imagine myself wearing all sorts of stupid Irish hats and walking with bad posture with a border collie through a field just waiting to die quietly.

That's going to be my twilight years.

No, I mean, do you currently do that?

I feel like I'm transitioning a little bit into how old men just like

look at titties, but don't actually aren't trying to fuck at the moment.

Oh, I want to get into that.

Yeah, I don't.

I don't, I rarely look at porn at all anymore.

Yeah.

I'll just, if something pops up, I see a titty on Twitter, I'll just follow that for a while.

Maybe I should go do one of those T titties.

Like an Instagram hole.

How crazy would that be if I had to start taking their like, oh, yeah, you just produce zero.

You have to have hormones.

Yeah, yeah.

literally choosing.

Then I start T replacement, and then suddenly I'm six feet tall.

Yeah.

No, you're not going to bro.

That's not going to.

Well, you have muscles on the bottom of your feet.

Yeah, that would be really funny, nigga.

That'd be tight.

Just work out your feet constantly because you think it'll make you tight.

Well, I already have the discipline from the gym.

So if I got on fucking TRT and, I mean, imagine the weights I could lift.

Wow.

I would just ride my Harley-Davidson all the way to the Planet of Fitness and be like, yeah, I got my T-Joe back.

I'm back for that bodybuilder physique that we discussed during my free training session.

By the way, I've changed, I've taken so many hormones that I legally qualify as a different gender now.

I've been able to get another ID and Social Security number, so I will take a second free training session now as an adult male instead of a prepubescent woman.

That would be nice, dude.

Yeah.

That would be sick.

They call me the hammer.

The claw.

The claw hammer.

The pussy claw.

What's that type of retardation?

That's how I.

Donald Trump, he grabs pussy one way.

I grab it like I'm getting a prize out of the machine.

You know, from above.

And effectively, from above.

The bitch.

Slipping through your fingers.

Yeah, just a little bit.

Yeah, right.

That's why they call me the pussy claw.

Dude, is that man fuck all the time?

No, he's actually.

I've only seen him fuck once.

It would be funny to have like a like a balcony apartment, like somewhere like above like a busy street or whatever.

And you like,

you know, I mean, obviously you would get arrested, but if you just tried to lasso

women from the street, from your balcony,

you know, like a top hat on

and then, you know, just throwing it at them.

And they're like, excuse me.

You're like, shut up.

Shut up.

You just go back there.

This big Showtime at the Apollo canes.

Just grab women off the street and drag them up to your apartment.

Lift their skirts up.

Maybe a Spider-Man costume.

The other Spider-Man.

The Spider-Man,

if powers were real and it's just a guy that's half Spider and he's using a web to pull women

and trap them and have sex with them.

Yeah, yeah.

Setting up a big web outside of the women's locker room.

Oh.

I thought you were going to say that he like he shoots down and then he tries to do the upside-down kiss.

Yeah, I I understand.

That's not Spider-Man.

That's spider-man.

Yeah, yeah.

Half Spider-Man.

A man that's a spider.

Yeah, I get it.

Eight legs.

One dick.

One dick.

Spiders have a dick.

How many dicks?

Just one dick doesn't make you gay.

I only took just one single dick.

And now they're saying that I am gay.

But I think we can all agree that doesn't make you gay.

Well, George, good news.

The song is a smash hit.

It's number one, but we're getting a lot of fan mail that says it does, in fact, make you gay.

God damn it.

And then maybe not, I guess, some guys, but definitely you.

Yeah, you if you were in college, maybe.

You see if you are gay.

Turns out you are gay.

I'm not gay, but you are.

Who sings that song?

You.

No, that's.

No, there's a professional singer.

No, that's you.

No, there's a radio.

Well, he said George, who's dude?

Oh my god, it's fucking you.

I just looked it up.

It says, You're the guy who wrote

I'm gay.

George Michael.

It is.

It's not George Michael.

That song is absolutely not.

Yeah, it's George Michael.

It's wham, dude.

It's not wham.

You are gay.

You suck my dick.

I won't.

I just want to suck my dad.

Wait, how's the fucking actual song?

You little dick.

You are gay.

Just won't

song.

Suck my dick.

I just wanna fuck you and suck your dick.

I am gay.

And my dick is small.

I just wanna fuck you as I'm gay.

Yo, what?

Who the fuck?

Alright, are you looking it up or are you just saying?

Oh, no.

I don't have my phone.

Alright, no, I'm not looking it up.

Just

I won't waste one single.

What the fuck are the lyrics?

I won't waste my little day.

No, you're fucking it up.

That's the big version.

The real version.

All right, now this is infuriating.

Because I'm getting.

Is it Brian Adams?

I don't know.

Adam, look it up.

I don't have my

dad.

Look it up.

Can you look it up, please, Adam, for once in my life?

Can you please look it up?

Can you please just fucking

die?

Please just fucking look it up.

Yeah, my dick is small.

Can you please just fucking look it up?

There should be a Shazam for like humming.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

You should hum on my dick.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Go

on my dick.

Someone told me once that it feels better to eat puss for the girl if you're like making noises while you're eating her pussy.

Because the vibrations.

And then I think I was one time doing that and asked to stop.

Really?

Yes.

Asked to stop humming.

What was his name?

It was a girl's pussy.

Yeah, right.

What do you mean?

Was it a girl's pussy?

Or was it a man's ass?

You never eat a pussy and you're like,

you don't do didgeridoo noises?

Didgeridoo?

No.

Okay.

Come on.

Guess I'm gay.

All right.

Well, I think we're never going to figure out what this song is.

What the fuck is that song?

I don't know.

What is it?

Just one kiss or just one breath?

Just one dick.

I don't know.

Inside your ass.

Psych a couple more dicks than that.

Huh?

I don't know what the song is, man.

Everybody's got a little cock.

everybody's got a little cock

you see this tweet from the Empire Writers account where they posted a screenshot of the CNN prosecutors drop all charges against Jesse and Empire Writers wrote a See Y'all Wednesday with a wink face.

What?

Yeah, hashtag Empire.

Hashtag.

They like, you know, because they were like, well, we stand by Jesse or whatever.

Oh,

yeah.

So they're acting like.

I thought he got fired by Fox.

No.

No, all of his friends believe him or whatever.

But then it's like, now

none of them are going to be like, yeah, arrest those Nigerian guys.

Because it's like they know he lied.

Right.

It just doesn't matter.

I'm not convinced.

All right.

You're not convinced?

No way.

Of what?

It's got to go deeper, dude.

Oh, yeah.

What do you mean?

You think it's a conspiracy?

Well, think about it.

Chicago.

Obama.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

George Sora.

Malik Obama.

It was probably.

Two Nigerian guys.

I know Malik.

Malik.

Barack had to cover up Malik's malicious plan.

Because Malik is actually.

He is MAGA.

He's MAGA.

So maybe those Nigerians

can be black and MAGA.

Wow.

Okay.

Maybe it's Malik.

Of course, we know he's Kenyan.

That is a different country.

That is true.

That is a different country.

But you know what?

Similar vibe.

Very similar.

Similar vibe.

Your Honor, he had a similar vibe.

Nick, you're not listening to our conspiracy theories here, but I think we're on to something.

What's that?

I don't know.

I forget.

That is Malik Obama's doing.

Malik.

Chicago.

Chicago.

Michelle Obama.

Trans.

Muscle.

She's trans.

Oh, she has muscle.

Remember, people used to say she was trans?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They did.

She's jacked.

I'm going to take a piss, guys.

Gardener.

We should end the episode if you're just going to leave.

All right.

right.

Goodbye.

We'll see you on Saturday night in D.C.