Ep. 147 – rest in power
RIP to a real one
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Transcript
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I'm fucking gay.
And you knew you were gay then.
Girls were girls and men were men.
Mister, we could use a man like Richard Spencer again.
Suck my dick and eat my ass.
Call me gay and beat me up.
Put me in a dress and beat me up.
Oh, I'm fucking gay.
Gay family.
Gay family.
In front of a live studio audience.
Come on, Pop.
You can't say that being gay is
normal and being a pedophile isn't.
What is it which you
back in my day, two fellas could go into a bathroom, do a little dance under the stall, and have gay sex with each other, go home to their wives.
Wasn't that enough?
Now you got to rape kids in the middle of the McDonald's.
Gay family.
It's all in the family 20, 30.
Up there.
Come on, Bob.
I'm using my universal basic income money to buy child pornography.
What's wrong with that?
People used to be ashamed of the fact that nobody works anymore.
Look at me.
I torture myself about it.
Well, I download gay pornography in private.
Secretly, I do it.
You used to have to draw your own child pornography back in my day.
Child porn used to be drawing.
No one needed real child porn.
It could just be Sonic the Hedgehog raping Elmo.
Now they look at real child porn.
Ah, fuck.
Those were the days.
My dick was small.
People still had dicks.
They didn't forcibly remove them at birth.
Now everyone's got a smooth paint down there.
Everybody's like a Kindle.
Damn, that would stink.
Yeah.
No genitalia.
Would it just be everybody would strap on each other's ass post-gender society?
Whoever can afford the strap on.
For some reason, 2% of the population still owns 98% of the dildos.
Damn, that would be fucked up.
People are unsafely putting, you know, the distribution of their ass and
cucumbers and shit.
Check.
Check, check, check, oh.
Check.
Are we all on?
Yeah, we're on.
We're good.
I just want to make sure before we got too far into it.
You're going back through all in the family?
I mean, I put a lot of money.
How many seasons are there?
I don't know.
I think
eight, nine,
six?
Did they have like thirty sea episode seasons and shit like that?
I think there's six seasons.
But like, don't they do like a wild amount of easy season?
Like Seinfeld, like 28 ups or something?
Maybe.
Cheers had a wild amount of Eps per season.
It used to be like 22 episode orders for a season.
That's how shows were.
Back.
Those were the days.
Now,
those words are gay.
You ought to suck my dick.
You ought to.
Well,
so, folks, but I guess more information is coming out now.
It turns out the Ethiopian
plane crashed
because of
somebody plugging in their
Samsung Galaxy S8.
Is that what happened?
Uh-huh.
That's what I heard.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Those guys should have known better.
You can't bring that on a plane.
Also,
update, I hear Bam is out of the loony bin.
Oh, he's doing better.
Yeah.
Vinny texted me to let me know.
He's like, hey, man, just want to let you know.
Bam texted me and he said that
he's doing all right.
So just to let everyone else know that.
Vinny's coming back on the show.
Vinny's ready for his redemption episode.
What's he going to say?
Oh, I don't know.
He's going to get his bits ready.
He better come with the heat.
Otherwise, he's going to get slammed.
By the king.
By the king.
What if Vinny just goes back on and torches your ass at him?
Me?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let him do
a little bit of
recon.
Get some fact-finding.
You know?
I'll let Vinny come back prepared.
He wasn't ready to hop into the dojo with me just off the couch.
We need to get Gene back.
As soon as he launches a new
business,
we have to help the man get on his feet.
You know?
What do you think his next business is going going to be?
Elvis' go-karts?
I would go to Elvis' Go-Karts Center.
Fellas, this is the Elvis Go-Kart Center.
We've been in business over 40 years.
I thought you could just say that.
It's got the three things people love.
Go-karts.
Italian.
Italian.
And then.
And then Mario.
It's got everything everybody loves.
I'm Italian.
I'm from New York.
And I'm Super Mario.
That would be so good if you just started doing Mario.
Well, he does Blues Brothers.
He does Elvis.
When we brought up Andrew Dice Clay, he's like, I did his act once.
Well, we should help him branch out into the next thing.
He should be doing Bruno Mars.
Yeah.
She didn't happily does Bruno Mars.
24-karat magic in the air tonight.
Folks, there's 24-karat magic in the air tonight.
I'm Italian, and I'm Bruno Mars.
I got everything.
Everything the girls want.
Damn, I want a vid of him fucking.
Yeah.
Back in the day, though.
You want to see Gene have sex?
Have sex with like a beehive hair, dude?
I think we all had that same thought.
Yeah, that was.
That was the first thing that came to mind.
When I'm talking about the Ramada, I want to see this guy have sex.
But back in the day, though, like,
what is the matter with you, meathead?
Can't you just make fun of the guy in a racist way?
You gotta think about him having sex.
You're not even gay.
I know.
Oh, come on.
Come on, Archie.
Just Archie with like big breast implants.
Yeah, Archie with this beautiful blonde hair.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
You did you all you did back in my day was you got the top surgery and you tried to look as good as you could in a sundress.
Now everything is hormones, this and injections, and posting pictures of yourself with all over the subrecords.
Oh, I look cute today.
I had to get a job.
The only daily affirmation I needed was the sound of the punch card going through my time sheet.
Is that what the that'd be cool if that's what like the 1970s trans people were like?
The ones with like, you know, triangle tits and stuff.
True pioneers, man.
You had to go to like Sweden and get your get a job style.
Huh?
To get a job style.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Suck my dick and eat my ass.
Who was the first trans person?
Probably that governor of New York.
Yeah, th there's a painting of him.
What?
There's a g go a cousin of Queen Anne or something.
Ed Totten.
Yeah, he's probably the first trans person.
Wait, there's a governor that was trans?
You know this.
There was like a British governor.
I absolutely know this.
There's a picture of him that just looks like a lady.
And it was like, you know, the Baron George, the something.
Yeah.
And it was like the Queen's cousin who she just sent over to be that governor of New York.
Get his geeks just absolutely blown out.
His yeeks, yeah.
Trans governor.
The trans governor, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Buddhum bum ba dum.
Ba dum bum ba dum.
Where did my cock go?
My vagina is a C120
supercomputer hole.
It is a learning vagina.
Ba dum bum bum bum.
What did you boys get up to this weekend, huh?
I can't remember.
I never remember.
I don't know where I am or what I've done or been doing.
Yeah, I'm trying.
I can't even think.
Yeah.
I saw Blake and Jake.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Really up to it.
I saw Jake last week.
Yeah, I guess Jake's
podcast host, Die.
Oh, yeah, damn.
Brick off.
R.I.P.
Good dude.
Wild, wild week in podcasting.
Yeah.
Did you?
I've never met him.
Yeah, he's a good dude.
You've never met him?
No, I never met him once.
Yeah.
Because he's really nice.
He's there now with the blue guy and the elephant and John McCain.
No, John McCain's son.
He's like Indian heaven or whatever.
Oh, Indian heaven.
Oh, yeah.
The eight-arm guy.
Yeah, the eight-armed guy.
The Jaiha guy.
The sea elephant.
He's up in there in a band with the elephant and
the guy who can play six guitars at once.
Yeah.
And the cantina.
Yeah, the big butter, the big spider.
Yeah, all the musicians in the cantina scene were Indian gods.
I made that joke last night.
Did you?
Yeah, to Jake.
Did I copy it?
No, you didn't copy it.
You weren't there, but it didn't get anything last night, so I didn't repeat it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, deserved more.
Just in case.
I think probably he was sad about his friend dying.
Yeah, I think that was fun.
No, no,
he was also making fun of it.
We were all laughing about it.
Oh, that's cool.
I'm glad to hear that.
So you just didn't like that one?
What's that?
You just didn't like that.
I don't think people heard me.
I think maybe I was crushing so hard for you.
It would have gotten gotten more if the room was paying attention.
Yeah.
So my problem is I often step on bits by crushing too hard.
That's a big problem in comedy.
You crush yourself.
Yeah.
I'm just a crusher.
Dr.
Beverly Crusher.
Sometimes I wish I had a first name like Beverly.
Yeah, you could be Beverly.
You could be Beverly Wallman.
Yeah, yeah.
How are you doing?
My name is Beverly.
Was that Crusher's real name in Star Trek?
Yeah, Beverly.
Yeah, Beverly Beverly Crusher.
That's not real.
What do you mean that's not real?
I've seen probably like 100 episodes of the Next Generation.
I never knew his name was Beverly.
It's Beverly Crusher.
Well, I don't know what.
Okay, okay.
Picard calls her Beverly to her face constantly.
Beverly.
It's implied that they used to fuck, I think, too.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Were there any flashbacks where Picard had hair?
No.
Even when Patrick Stewart was young, he didn't have hair.
What?
That's how you know he's a pedophile.
That's not true.
Yeah, sure.
What was his brother's name?
Patrick Stewart.
Yeah, there's like an episode where Luke John.
Whenever he goes to Earth, he gets like real French.
Like he starts, he wears like scarves and purple.
He's like, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, yeah.
He's just eating nothing but pralines.
He's like a British guy on the fucking spaceship.
But when he goes to Earth, he becomes like a French jagger.
I like smelly pussies.
Damn.
I'm feeling like maybe like a ham and cheese croissant or something.
They imply that Picard used to fuck Crusher.
Yeah.
Or they were like close friends or something.
They're always like winking at each other.
Does he fuck at all in the show?
Yeah, he had a relationship.
He also, like, it's just implied.
Chatner fucked every alien.
Well, no, he doesn't really.
Shatner, I think, only fucks like once or twice.
He kissed the black girl.
That was fucked the green aliens.
But yeah, Picard has all these, like, it's, it's, I think it's also implied that he fucked Whoopi Goldberg's character.
Oh, yeah.
Gyno or whatever her name was.
Hell fucking.
Gyno.
Yeah, no, she was like the god of titties or something.
Nice.
Yeah, that dumb hat.
I remember being a little kid and seeing Whoopi Goldberg's character on Star Trek and thinking, like, do black women just dress like that?
With that hair?
Yeah, well, I thought it was like, no, with like the big disc hat.
I don't know what she looked like on Star Trek.
You don't remember?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was such a funny cast.
Did you see enough black people in
Montgomery County?
Yeah, but I mean, it's like the future.
Oh, I see.
I see.
No, I mean, it's like, don't, don't like, it's like, this is what, this is just what they think black women are.
Right, right, right.
They evolved.
That's their evolve.
That's their rattitat.
Redatoui?
No.
Whoopi.
Here, hold on.
Whoopi.
Riot you.
Riot you.
Stop the black women speak of you.
Oh, I saw the Dola's all documentary this weekend.
Oh, yeah.
Do you ever see her tits?
I really wanted to
be like,
she's innocent.
You know.
Of what?
She makes it hard.
She makes it really hard.
Here we go.
At the end, she changes her name to like Malika Africa Diallo or something.
Some crazy shit.
It's Gainan, not Gyno.
Same shit.
No, but here, look.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a weird look.
That's not the future at all.
That looks
real.
That looks like a Cobra.
Yeah.
Like a blue Cobra.
How long was she in the show?
She was like a guest character that would show up.
But they would, she would, like, her and like Picard would like.
She was on a different ship?
You know, they would like wink at each other.
No, she wasn't on a different ship.
She's like an alien or something.
She would come from Africa.
From the planet of Africa.
Whoopi Goldberg has a strange-ass career.
Like, what was the first shit she did that really made her pop off?
Sister Act's good as shit.
Well, her stand-up.
No, she didn't do stand-up.
She was like mom's maybe in like a one-woman play.
She wasn't a stand-up?
I don't think she ever really was.
Dude, I can't remember anything anymore.
I remember, like, the other day, somebody was saying that
Will Smith is, like, doing stand-up now.
And I was like, didn't he do stand-up prior to that?
Apparently not.
That's what I thought.
I thought he was a rapper and a stand-up comedian.
No.
Did you also think that he was a comedian?
I think.
This is some Berenstain bear shit.
It definitely is.
It's like I...
Like, remember that he was specifically a stand-up comedian and a rapper when I was a little kid.
I was like, that's cool.
Yes.
Maybe it's just I thought he was a comedian and a rapper.
Yeah, no, but I think that's what it is because I thought the same shit.
And then I was like, wait a second.
I had no memory of him ever actually doing standards.
Oh, yeah, I saw that.
But it felt like he did.
And you know what's funny, dude?
It's like you see someone who's actually talented do stand-up for the first time, and he's just like, crushed.
Huh?
No, he sucked.
Nah.
I saw a clip.
It was pretty good.
None of it was funny.
But it's like, that guy's like a famous guy.
It's just like people that are next-level talented for real.
Like, Jim Carrey wasn't a good stand-up, but it was like, that guy's like talented as shit.
My impression of the Will Smith stand-up video is he looked nervous.
He like it wasn't funny.
I mean, I don't know.
I saw it.
I saw the clip I saw was him, like, Jaden's in my house, and I'm like, Can I get on the track?
And he's like, Oh, I'm like, What you mean, oh?
You know, and it's like, not yeah, I guess I don't remember what clip.
I just saw the video of him with like I enjoyed him, dude.
Yeah, I just I was smiling with my friend Will, dude.
Yeah, you know, it was nice seeing him out.
No, it was good to see him.
I mean, I like Will Smith, so it's nice to see him do something that he wanted to do.
Right.
I have no, like, I don't respect stand-up comedy.
In fact, I think it's pretty funny to see comedians get upset about Will Smith doing comedy.
Right.
Like, oh, great.
Celebrities just think my art is something they can just do whenever.
It's like, don't you work at Panera?
Yeah, yeah, you don't do anything.
You've been doing this for, what, three and a half years?
Also, it's like, it's one thing to be like Screech or like Jeremy Piven, but it's like
I would go, I would love to be in the room while Will Smith talks for an hour.
Of course.
He's so famous.
He's so cool.
I don't give a fuck what he does.
It's different than
literally, you know, just a broke-ass, like, being mad at Stormy Daniels.
Than Horny Daniels.
Yeah.
That's what I call her.
Dude, that's fucked up.
Yeah, Stormy Daniels really triggered a lot of female comics out there,
which makes her part of the team.
That's right.
She makes her honorary.
Ruby Goldberg just said sepsis.
I thought you just said that when there's shit in your bloodstream?
Yeah, you get turds in your blood.
Shit.
What did she do?
Eat turds?
She's been eating too many turds on her view.
I think she possibly had a recto-vaginal fistula.
Just a wild guess.
All right.
So when you heard it here first.
Her asshole split open into her pussy.
Yes.
And she shit into her own pussy.
Yeah.
And got sepsis.
Oh, hold on.
So here's what happened.
I had pneumonia and I developed sepsis.
Oh, interesting.
Okay.
Okay.
But you can't rule out that.
I mean, that's a convenient cover-up.
What's it called?
What's it called?
The
deductive diagnosis or whatever.
How doctors, they start with the most common thing and they work their way down.
Yeah.
You know, so you're like, first, like, if you're like, I have a stomachache, you're like, it's probably just gas.
And they're like, no, it's really bad.
And seven months later, they're like, oh, whoops, you have cancer.
But it's too late to do anything now.
Yeah, that's why we start with split your pussy open into your ass.
Mrs.
Goldberg, I believe you have erectovaginal fistula.
Is Is Mr.
Goldberg here to process your intake papers in case you die in surgery?
Now, Mr.
Goldberg, when we sew up her pussy, how tight would you like it?
Oh, boy, my wife is so sick.
She's got a rectovaginal fistula.
If you get your pussy torn up by a baby,
do you get to, do they sew it up?
Yeah, they sew it back.
But do they give you a smaller pussy if you want one?
Oh, yeah, they give you you a cute little small little pussy they trim the lips down a little bit they make it look fresh does the baby gnaw on the lips on the way out i'm at a corner
there's no dick lips i think it'd be cool if i had like cool wings that's what we're being forced uh
force cold lips no i mean at the base
oh the base you know so like your balls flare up like a round the dick what's that reptile that had that they're that's what i'm talking about yeah what what's the name of that a boss lizard no
the boss of the desert it's not called the boss lizard.
Boss of the plains, baby.
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Folks, you may have noticed that our reads are a lot of fun.
We're going to be serious and dedicate this one to our good friend over at Pod Damn America who passed away.
This advertisement is dedicated to him.
Something he would love.
He would love to have an advertisement dedicated to you.
Yeah, yeah.
He'd love advertising for a gambling company.
It's a ragat buddy.
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He loved commercials.
He loved commercials.
One of his favorites.
That guy never mind.
He loved people being defrauded out of their money.
Not defrauded.
I mean, hey, play to bet, bet to win, play to win.
Except, bet to play.
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They've been in business over 20 years.
They started in East Berlin.
That's right.
Probably socialist of that's on the other side of the wall.
Yeah, where the only way you're getting out is in a box.
That's a real kind of socialist highlight, dude.
Gang, gang, for real.
You know, we're tatted up.
We're fucking gambling on things on the side.com.
And,
you know, if you say communism is bad, guess we got a fucking knife, a big knife that we're going to slide.
Swing
it out of it.
Yeah, and then we're going to slowly slide it up your rectum so it cuts through the middle of your body.
A machete.
A machete, yeah.
Do you think you could beat up Danny Trejo, Adam?
What's that?
Do I think I could beat him up?
Yeah.
Yeah,
he's got a gay little chest tattoo.
I can beat him up.
Yeah.
I like that he got the logo from a bag of chips.
She's my girlfriend, man.
She's from the chips.
Yeah, dude.
I love my bitch, my chips, bitch.
He's friends with Brandon Wardell.
Of course, I can beat him up.
Yeah, yeah.
Bethysi.com is Beth.
He's out for Harambe, man.
For 20 years, paying out winners.
They got an easy-to-use mobile playing interface.
VR headset.
That's right.
I could put mine on.
I walk out in the traffic and I say, hit me, motherfucker.
I'm gambling.
That's right.
I'm looking at stuff on my VR mobile playing interface.
Illegally, if you get hit?
Why is that even in here?
I don't understand why that's in the copy.
What?
Easy-to-use mobile playing interface.
Because that's what it is, brother.
That's what it is.
People are like, what do you mean, app?
What the fuck does app mean?
Yeah, they could have just said that.
Oh, you mean a mobile playing interface?
That's right, brother.
A term that no one uses.
Yeah, but doesn't it sound cool?
I guess.
Well, that's the thing.
It's all about playing.
I just want my eyes modified so that it does that targeting thing where it identifies it.
Would you get both eyes or just one?
One.
I would get one.
Yeah, one red.
Yeah, one red.
A Kano style.
Yeah, Kano style.
Oh, hell yeah.
Metal arms.
That would rock.
Jack's.
Jack's style.
Yeah.
Metal arms, red eye.
Titties like Chun Lee.
Eyes like that.
His legs replaced with big tire tractors, wheels.
Like
tractor trailer.
You know, like fucking the guy from Twisted Metal, the black eye.
Yeah.
Axel.
He's a black man that's part car.
Hell yeah.
Take that one.
Part black man, part car.
Just Just picture.
An allegory for Detroit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he goes around screaming Motown songs.
Crucified on some wheels.
Just walk away, Rudy.
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They got two different types of shit.
Yeah.
Wait, those are two different.
There's no different bullet points.
Yep.
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So imagine this.
You're in the game.
That means if you're playing for the Denver Broncos, you're allowed to bet on the outcome of the game.
That's right.
And let that define your actions.
You can swing it.
You can even, yeah.
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Look, we only do this podcast so we can help guys like you make money.
That's right.
We're all about the independent business owners and the spirit of commerce.
That's right.
The spirit of commerce.
I love small business for a while.
That's actually the name of my yacht.
The spirit of commerce.
The spirit of the business industry.
It's my 120-foot yacht.
Respect.
And I go out on Lake Superior.
It's white people only out there.
That's right.
That's my big problem when I take my yacht out.
Most of the coastal areas are a little too big.
They're a little too big, but on Lake Superior.
When you're on beautiful city, Lake White Superior.
And here's what we're going to be betting on this week.
Take Huchecho over
Maldonado.
Huchecho over
Maldonado.
That's a good one.
Huchecho, two knives, DeSantos over
Enrique, the bathroom boy, Maldonado.
I guess it's March Madness.
So you got any bracket busters?
Yeah, Yeah, I got some bracket busters.
Why don't you vote on Beto O'Rourke landing the 900?
Beto O'Rourke has to land the 900, and if he doesn't do it, everybody who listens to the show gets $200.
Yeah, and they get to fucking come on his show.
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I would say take the Mississippi State Bulldogs.
There should be an Equifax for like minorities.
You know what I mean?
Like a trans union for trans people.
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Let's start the show.
It's Come Town.
That's it.
Your hosts, Nick Mullen
And Stavros Halkis,
Mr.
Have Gay Sex himself, Stavros Have Gay Sex, Halkis, Mr.
Yeah, Stavros Haley.
Ha ha, Pit Bull, Mr.
Have Gay Sex, Mrs.
Dale,
Mr.
Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum,
Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum.
What's the song that has that bum bum bum sound?
Pretty much every song.
No, you know the one.
There's a specific pit bull song where it goes.
Bum, bum, bum, bum.
Should we all move to Norway?
We like to party.
That guy that's running for president, Pete Buttgig.
Buttgate?
Yeah, butt gig.
I would love if somebody got caught in gay sex.
He called it Buttgate.
He's gay.
They're calling it Buttgate.
The senator got his cheeks absolutely blown out.
He's gay, but apparently someone said that he learned Norwegian so he could read books.
Damn.
What a squirrel fight.
What a fucking get
the fuck out of here, bro.
This video is...
This guy is squaring off with an old man.
A fight video?
Hey, man, calm the fuck down, bro.
This guy looks like he has Down syndrome is squaring off with a...
a 70-year-old.
Hell yes.
At the gym?
Remember when that mentally challenged gentleman slapped the shit out of a woman on the train?
No.
Remember that video?
That's one of the best videos of all time.
Oh, yeah.
That black
white girl and that black dude.
Was he mentally?
Oh, there was like a white girl mouthing off on the J-train, and a black guy just smacked the life out of her.
No, I don't think that guy was.
That guy rocked.
Ripped out of her.
Yes.
What happened?
Did the old guy get fucked up?
A homeless dude in D.C.,
A homeless dude in D.C.
one time said
to another dude, I'll smack the black out of you.
I can never forget that.
Yeah, because you hate that kind of black-on-black crime.
Yeah, I said, come on, guys, we need to get the community together.
We have to stop killing us.
Okay.
Adam, you're back in the gym.
Why don't you tell us about that?
Back in the gym, like I was saying to you, I did see a trans
man there who was just insanely brawlic.
Nice.
And Nick said that it's because when you're on HRT testosterone, you're basically on steroids.
Should we go on steroids?
Well, we have to become men.
Yeah, you would have, you should have enough testosterone in your body that you're not being upstaged by.
No.
Adam's getting that show stolen from him at the gym.
That gentleman, listen, everyone's stealing the show from me, but that gentleman in particular was just like insanely popular.
How do you know he was
that trans woman goes up to that sort of thing?
Goes all to Adam, and they're like, I just want to say,
I'm swearing you were years ago and through a lot of hormone therapy.
Just hang in there, sister.
The mustache is already almost coming in.
I'm nearly.
You are passing.
Don't let anyone tell you you're not passing.
That's true.
I appreciate that.
You are passing.
I appreciate the pep talk.
And I'm here for you.
You are a man.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'm 32 years old nearly, and I'm still transitioning into becoming a man.
But yeah,
I appreciate the positive.
Yeah, you guys finally almost grow mustaches.
Yeah, me and Sauv.
It's taken about a year.
Yeah.
Meanwhile, I feel good.
Mine is so perfectly curated.
I have a beautiful mustache.
You do look.
I just gave Arthur that mustache.
You're playing the Arthur.
He's playing the Arthur the Aardvark video game.
Yeah, and the Arthur.
on his home PC.
Adam's into gaming now, so he's got Rita Rabbit going.
And if he spells a nine-school blaster, he's gonna give Arthur a fucking hat.
I love Math Blaster because he's like fucking just nutting all over a girl's face.
He's like, oh, two plus six.
The updated version.
The updated version of Math Blaster.
Every fucking question you get right is another stroke of your knock.
Just some woman on her knees.
Hell yeah.
Damn.
Should we create that?
Yeah.
Teach them little kids how to learn and how to do math.
I'm trying to get some pussy from Mavis Beacon.
I'll tell you what.
I'm trying to get some head from a black lady in a business suit.
Yeah.
Mavis Beacon.
Is that who Mavis Beacon was?
She was a professional black woman.
I think so.
Is that the chief from
Siller Vibes?
Yeah.
Carmen San Diego.
Oh, yeah.
Where in the world
is Carmen?
I guess that's supposed to be like Kamala Harris
is the chief from where detectives.
I bet you Kamala Harris back in the day could absolutely get a little piece of dick pie.
Yeah, I mean, she's still like
I would smash
to show that I'm an ally.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, let's see.
Kamala Harris Young.
See what we got here.
She's probably pretty sloppy.
She's probably a bitch, dude.
She's silly.
You like that, don't you?
I kind of do, yeah.
Yeah, Adam's been bad.
Actually, yeah, I would smash right now.
I have no problem.
Tell me I'm going to jail, Kamala.
Adam's been a bad boy.
Tell me you have to go to school, otherwise, I'll be able to send him to school, so lock me up and fuck my ass, Kamala.
Yeah.
Adam's a naughty boy from Bad Boy Town.
He's going to get locked up.
Oh, fuck.
Locked up brawl.
Locked up, bro.
Kamala?
I would smash Kirk.
Did she go to Howard?
I don't know.
I think she did.
I would also smash Amy Klobuchar.
Hell yeah, dude.
That fucking dumb bitch.
She was saying she's going to be mean to Putin.
Amy Knob.
She's like, it's good that I was...
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Amy Knob gets hard.
That's right.
She's got a little cock under that fucking skirt.
Yeah.
And it'll fucking shit.
Now, I talked to some girl.
I was with a group of men discussing politics.
Of course, as you like to do.
And we were discussing Bernie.
In an intellectual salon.
We were discussing Bernie and some woman comes up and she goes, I'm voting for Amy Klobuchar.
And I fucking, I just like, I took my hand, I put my palm right underneath her chin, and I just
rammed her head through the drywall.
Do you know what you did to her?
Right.
Right in the sinked it right between the studs.
And she didn't even press charge.
Well, I did it in a way so that her chin went back first.
So that's just the top of her dome smashed into the drywall.
And when she tries to get out, her chin comes forward and she gets stuck.
So she's just standing there with her head stuck in the wall, and then we all had sex with her.
Wow.
Really?
Yeah.
Everyone of those.
So I don't know much about Amy Klobuchar, but that's what it makes me think of when I hear her name.
It's kind of like a storyhold, but only your head is on the other side.
It was just me and a couple of Bernie bros hanging out, and then a woman coming up and saying, I'm voting for Amy Klobuchar, and then just the sound of sheetrock shattering, and then my sexual gratification afterwards.
Yeah, me and my fellas all high-fiving as we come.
Yeah, the other thing about Bernie Brothers is that's what socialism is.
Yeah, that's what democratic socialism is.
We all call each other brother, like kind of like Muslim black people do.
Like, so brother Nick, and like, yeah, brother Stav.
Yep.
It does really feel good to talk like a Muslim black person.
Yeah, brother.
I'm a brother of Mujilan and the Bernie Brothers.
The Bernie Brothers.
And the Bernard Brothers.
Hey, brother of Mujalan.
The Bernard Brigade.
Smash this bitch's head through the drywall.
Just clop at y'all's bitch's head through the drywall.
That's what it's called.
Brother of Mujalan.
We got some Bernie brother in the dupe.
Some Bernie business.
That's what we call
handling female detractors.
Yeah.
Dude, I'm ready to go full Bernie Bros.
I know I said it before, but
if that's how it's going to be,
if I'm going to hear nothing about how harassing Bernie bros bros are, then
you better believe I'm going to do some harassing.
You'll get a little bit of my money's worth.
Yeah, if I'm already in trouble for it,
I cannot wait.
I'm outside of Sadie Doyle's house with a sniper rifle.
Just a little bit of a hole.
Every time she loses your point, every time she loses her ass, just in the middle of her forehead,
I've got a big megaphone on a sniper rifle tripod.
Hey, Sadie, what is that?
Boo, bitch!
From across the street.
Excuse me, boo.
What is that, a zid on your forehead?
That's a laser.
This message brought to you by Bernie Sanders.
You're a dumb bitch.
This message is paid for by Bernie Sanders.
Bernie Sanders entirely supports this.
This is where you're $37.
I'm going to fucking do hate speech at women and then be like, ad paid for by the Bernie Sanders campaign.
By Bernie Sanders, and I proved this message.
Bernie Sanders, it's your job to find
sponsored content.
Go on Twitter, find any woman talking about Hillary Clinton, and then send her videos of you deadlifting.
You got something to say now, bitch.
And that's how we're going to win this election.
Don't even like, don't even, don't even argue with her.
She shouldn't even know why you're doing it.
What's up, bitch?
You got something to say to me?
Because I'm from LA.
I'm from Texas, man.
I'm Beto.
I'm from, yeah.
My name is Beto, and I'm from East L.A.
You're from Texas.
Yeah, that's what I thought East L.A.
was.
Hey, I'm Beto.
My name is.
My name is Robert O'Donovan, Patrick, Leahy,
O'Connell.
Fuck Bobby.
Doherty.
Fuck Bobby O'Rourke.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't fuck with him anymore, dude.
Did you fuck with him?
I mean, it was cool when he was running against Ted Cruz's bitch-ass.
And he didn't even win.
No.
He didn't even win.
I don't like losers.
This guy couldn't even beat Ted Cruz.
I beat Ted Cruz so easily.
He did?
You should have seen our bet.
That's the thing.
They're going to think that he can attack Trump.
He's going to spend the entire time talking about Ted Cruz and what a loser Ted Cruz.
It's going to be awesome.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, this guy lost to Ted Cruz.
Have you seen him?
McCride when I said his wife was a rat.
He already went in on Joe Biden.
It's going to be awesome.
Yeah.
Trump did?
Yeah.
What did he say?
He called him a very low IQ individual.
Yeah, he's right.
He's not wrong.
Absolutely.
He's a bad pussy as good as me.
What a disgrace this guy is.
God damn.
Yeah.
He said that there's something wrong with.
He said,
I saw that video of Beto.
He was just moving his hand so much.
Have you ever seen someone move his hand somewhere?
Really?
Yeah.
That's what he got him for.
he's like i think there's something wrong with him i think he's got i think he's got something wrong
with it
well he's gonna start
he's just like slowly he's trying to get them to do the like he's beto as parkinson's thing yeah which maybe he does oh like how maybe something happened when he was driving drunk all those times yeah he got something you know he messed up his brain and all of his drunk driving incidents you know which i i heard he only did so he could seem more hispanic
he just wanted to seem like more of a mexican Mexican, so he would drive drunk all the time around Texas.
I cannot believe Famous Robert, dude.
Yeah.
That is fucking.
That'd be like if you were just like, I'm Nicola.
Yeah.
But he's like, he went to like prep school on the East Coast.
Like, he's just as much.
He's like George Bush.
George Bush.
He's like putting on a pretty
worse than Dolezal.
Yeah.
Rachel Dolezal has more of a claim to blackness than Beto Our Work does to being Hispanic.
Dude, I agree.
That's insane that he just made it up.
When did it start?
When did that shit start?
I guess it was a nickname when he was a kid.
When he was a kid, yeah.
Whatever, man.
Fuck off.
Fuck off, Robert.
Yeah.
But it's like, you know, to the same extent that Bam is a nickname.
Yeah.
You know, that doesn't mean that he's,
you know, I don't know.
Retarded?
Yeah.
Yeah, Bam would be.
The kid.
Bam is a cooler nickname.
Is it?
Is it Adam?
Is it a cooler nickname?
Yeah, Bam.
It's cool.
What would you like your nickname to be, Adam?
I've already got plenty of nicknames.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like what?
Cheese of the South.
Mr.
Steelier joke?
Yeah.
Mr.
Suck Your Dick.
Mr.
Suck Your Dick.
Mr.
Suck Your Dick.
The Winds of the Trans River Jordan.
So they call them the Winds.
The Winds?
The Winds?
Yeah, the Winds.
Because you're always blowing the Trans.
The Trans Women.
Trans Women Jordan.
Trans Word.
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Welcome back.
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We look at pictures of people's penises and they call them retarded.
Hello, this is all things considered, and everyone's here has a pulling out their cock.
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Down syndrome, usually the strongest in this category.
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I get hard, but very impressive to me.
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Michael,
you said that you saw a similar thing at the Pebble Beach Retard Show last year.
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I don't know if it was the heat, but all the humidity that built up in the fragile ex-kid's crotch,
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Yeah, chew it and fuck.
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Klobuchar is tired.
Yeah, Klobuchar, that pussy.
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Yeah, I'm continental.
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Then you put your soft dick in your shit-filled asshole.
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And then you take a blue chew and you wait an hour, how long approximately for it to act.
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Why don't they just call it Miami?
Why the fuck do they have to fuck with it and call it Miami?
Miami.
What do you mean?
That's that's how Cuban people say it.
Do they have an I sound?
But it's not their country.
Do they have an I sound?
Yeah, but it's a Spanish word, no?
I don't know.
It's a fucking American word.
It's the name of our state.
So they shouldn't be a sound.
It's not
a city.
My time.
What does Miami mean?
Is it some Indian shit, probably?
No, it doesn't.
It's like an English word.
Is it?
No.
What does it mean?
I bet you Miami, dude.
It's just the name of the fucking place.
My money's on it's some kind of Indian shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, like a seminal word?
Yeah, like a Hari Kondabolu sort of thing.
I don't know.
No, no, no.
The cool kind with arrows and shit.
Yeah.
It's with scarecrows.
Buffaloes.
Scarecrow Indians?
That's right.
You know, it's crazy that the Indians could never develop society or culture because they didn't come up with scarecrows.
The birds would eat all their food.
That's why they always had to keep moving.
They couldn't do agriculture.
I did not know that.
I don't think I know it either.
I just chose something.
I did not know that fact.
I think I read it in school.
Worrying about the natives.
There were definitely natives that had farms, right?
Maize.
Come on, bro.
Blaze.
Maize, yeah.
The Indians call it blaze.
Oh, they smoke a corn cob?
Yeah.
The whole shit.
Did people say that?
Did the Indians call it blaze?
No, that's all you, brother.
Yeah.
Yeah, you made that.
That was like a joke for people that weren't funny to be like, or as the Indians call it maze.
It really was.
I used to say that.
Starting from like third grade.
I remember.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck that was.
How is that a joke, though?
I don't know.
People would say, people who weren't funny
would say, or as the Indians call it maze.
I mean, it's like a sort of like an essay thing.
I think it might even be from The Simpsons.
But I think it was like an essay thing like Webster's Dictionary defines.
Yes.
But that one's still a funny joke because I do that one still.
But the maze one is not funny.
Okay, so that's right.
Woo!
Smartest motherfucker on the planet.
Naami was the original name for Lake Okeechobee.
And then the river that ran off
chokinami.
Like Smasher Club charger.
Keep going.
Keep reading me.
Keep reading me.
Wait, wait, this is fucked up.
The original Okechobe name, the current name Okeechobee is derived from the
Hitachi word.
Oh, from the
vibrator.
That company also makes other things.
You know, they didn't intend that to be a vibrator.
It was literally back to back massager.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want to tell the story?
And then horse.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
What else happened with my mother?
You tell your story.
Excuse me.
What else happened with my husband?
Hold on here.
Adam.
You got a regular Amy Klobuchar over here.
So it's named after the Miami River, which I guess runs into Miami, and which was, I guess, originally named after the original name of Lake Okeechobee.
And that's how.
But it was like with Y's and a bunch of different I's and stuff.
You know what's crazy?
Jamaica, the island, and Jamaica Queens, not related in the slightest in terms of the naming.
Really?
Yeah.
How?
How's that?
They're just completely
different etymology.
Are they spelled the same?
Spelled exactly the same.
What is one?
Hamica?
The Jamaica Queens one is like some Native American bullshit, and the other one's like, you know, I don't know.
Really?
Yeah, they're just not, they're not similar.
That's wild.
Yeah, or not like based on the same.
That's fucked up.
I know.
Do Jamaicans live there in Queens?
I don't know.
I mean, I just remember thinking
about it.
I remember.
I always thought the Jamaica Queens.
I'm like, that's funny.
That like there's like, oh, this is the black where the black people live.
This is Jamaica play.
They call this Africa Brooklyn.
I
got Stobby's movie corner recommendation.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
Cool.
It was 10 years ago.
And I like that.
Yeah.
I guess it was okay.
No, it was good.
And also, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Yeah, thanks.
Really good.
Good record, dude.
It was fucking good, dude.
I did not know.
I was not better than the Hurt Locker.
Yeah.
Well, here's what happened.
I came home from a poker game Saturday to my home in my homestead in Baltimore.
My little brother George
was working on some.
He likes to work on paintings late late at night and watch movies while he's doing it.
And he just had the hurt locker going, and I just got sucked the fuck in.
It was
Chastain.
We talk about this all the time.
How about the turd locker?
Yes, I would.
She wasn't in the hurt locker.
Who's the main girl?
You're thinking of fucking.
Oh, the hurt locker is the bomb one.
I'm thinking of Zero Dark Pocket.
Did the Bomb one?
Yeah, I used to call it Zero Dark People.
And it's a movie where they kill all of them.
Yeah, the Hurt Locker is with that Jeremy Renner.
Yeah, it was really funny.
They did 9-11.
So we did 911 million.
Both of those are Catherine Bigelow, though.
Yeah, Crushed Charger Hidden Dragon and Senaka.
She made
Catherine Bigelow.
Actually, there's another movie, Rekko, Strange Days, which is Catherine Bigelow movie from 95.
Strange Days, starring Adam Freeman.
They did 9-11.
No.
So he did gay 9-11.
No.
That's not what it's about.
He's got a shovel into two two guys' dicks.
He shoved the entire Twin Towers up his ass.
That's not how 9.
Gay 9-11, starring Adam.
They hit it with a plane.
Yeah, but you did gay 9-11.
Are you even listening to the bit, Adam?
They thought they were flying a plane into the Twin Towers, but it was actually his ass.
They flew the plane into my ass?
No, they flew your ass into the plane, into the towers, bro.
He did both of those things.
The plane went into my ass, and then the one man who could do both of those things.
Gay Adam stars as gay 9-11, but also the planes.
And he's gay, too.
The character and the man.
He's the planes,
the buildings, the terrorists, and the victims, but the gay version of all of them.
It's like the clumps.
Adam plays them all in.
Well, yeah, I'm a versatile performer.
Adam also exists as a concept.
Conceptually, he is the act of being gay in the film.
The concept of being gay.
This summer.
Gay 9-11.
Gay Adam 9 gay 11.
Well, anyway, Strange Day is a sick, and you guys should watch it.
It's on HP
right now.
It's about
like
the drug of the future.
Like, people are called wireheads, and they put this like contraption on their brains, and then it's like full, it's like full VR.
It's gay.
No, it's not good.
Pass.
You're wrong.
You're wrong.
It's fucking sass.
But they can't stop describing it.
Yo, Crouching Tiger is much, much more epic than I thought.
Like a literal epic than I thought it was going to be.
What does that mean?
It's like very sweeping.
The Crouching Tiger is Adam, and the hidden dragon is the HIV virus in the penis that he's crouching over.
It's got like big-ass.
Can one man get HIV from a Chinese ninja?
The answer is yes.
They're not ninjas this summer.
Adams, gay Adam gets AIDS
from Chinese people.
Crouching tiger, hidden dragon.
This is just a reboot.
I remember I saw that movie in theater as one of the first times I ever smoked weed.
Whoa, dude.
Yeah.
That's cool.
It was tight.
Yeah.
I saw that.
And I also saw on 420, I saw the Scorpion King starring The Raw.
Hell yeah, dude.
And everyone in the theater was laughing.
I think everyone was stoned.
We were all laughing at it.
Like, how bad of a movie it was.
That was the worst CGI of all time.
It was really bad.
Yeah.
I think they made a Scorpion King, too, like, direct-to-DVD.
Nice.
Wasn't Stiffler in that?
Stiffler?
Was he in the Scorpion King?
I thought he was.
I don't know.
Maybe.
But maybe I'm just...
It was a spin-off of the mummy.
Yes.
Doesn't The Rock appear in The Mummy?
As the Scorpion King?
Yeah, in The Mummy 3.
And then he's in the...
I was going to sit down and re-watch all those movies.
Just to have something to do before I die.
Just to have another thing.
Just another day in my life.
The only thing you have to finish.
Yeah.
You're like, well, I guess I probably only have like 4,000 of these days left
until I die.
Literally die.
But here's what I'll be using it on.
Not even, probably.
What is that?
What is the math on that?
So 365 is a year.
365, and then how many years?
Nah,
you got more than 4,000.
That's more than 4,000, yeah.
No, it's 11 years.
You're going to live longer than 11 years.
We will see.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is pretty gay to think about mortality.
When one man doesn't wipe his ass,
somebody on this plane's got shit in his ass
and holds an entire plane hostage.
I can't breathe.
Nobody can fucking breathe in air.
Oh, have you guys ever taken like a really wild shit on an airplane bathroom?
Like almost every flat.
He's like the guy on a plane that's like, and he's gonna say it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, no.
Yeah.
It's a.
G.
It's like phone booth.
He's going to say the N-word, I think.
Oh, that's what it was.
Man.
Yeah, so those are my recommendations.
You guys should see Strange Days.
No.
See Herdlocker and Crouching Tiger.
Everyone's seen those movies.
Literally, everyone's seen those movies.
What movies that babies see?
What if Adam's Dick was a day
and then they called it Strange this summer?
What do you think of that, Adam?
A strange dick could be big, but it's not in the skate.
We all know that it isn't.
That adjective could be used for
size twists.
It was large.
It was so strange how large it is, is that it's gay.
You can't have a gay penis.
That's how gay dick is.
That's what somebody
on site
know.
The doctor said, Your son's going to be gay.
They said, how do you know?
And he He said, Just look at his dick.
And then your dad was like, I guess he's right.
Fun this summer.
My son's got a gay dick.
One man, one gay son.
Strange penis.
A cop, a retired cop who was good at his job.
Now, in retirement, he has one last task to deal with his two gay sons.
Seattle
coming out of retirement to do one last job,
deal with his two gay sons.
Niles, have you seen my Crocs
this summer
Frasier?
That'd be a great trailer to cut.
Just take out the laugh track.
Four friends.
One Jewish comedian.
Another racist.
Probably Italian, but we'll call him Jewish anyways, neighbor.
George Elaine.
So, God, my dick.
I gotta say, dude.
I'm mad at sitcoms for giving fat boys unrealistic expectations to live up to.
What are you talking about?
Well, because George Slade.
George Slade pussy, King of Queens.
He gets yeah, but that's more of a New York thing than a fat guy thing.
Yeah.
Because there's hot girls here.
I'm in New York.
I'm in New York now, man.
Yeah, and you overachieve all the time.
Why is that unrealistic?
It's probably, it's very similar to your life.
It's pretty much the most realistic
picture of what was going to happen other than the fact that you're unemployed most of the time or working for the Yankees.
That is true.
Other than that, everything else is working.
No, but they were.
Yeah, Adam's basically Jerry Seinfeld.
No, I'm not.
You're Kramer.
No, I'm not funny.
I'm sort of Kramer.
I would say, you know, with the racial outbursts and
my schemes.
I am Kramer, I am.
You're Kramer.
I'm definitely George.
I mean, there's no discussion there.
I guess Adam's also Elaine.
I think I'm more George spiritually.
No, no, no.
Yes, I am.
No, you want to be the coolest one.
You're the least funny and the one that has to be the center of attention.
Yeah.
That's not true.
It is true.
George is a nebish and I'm telling you, it's true.
He's not the coolest one.
Adam, we talked about this, and it's true.
He's a cherry.
That's more Jerry, Adam.
That's more Peterson than Stav is
laying your friend Jerry.
Yes, yeah, you're bitch.
I'm George.
Who are you kidding?
I'm George.
You're not even Jewish.
Oh, God.
George isn't Jewish, bitch.
Yes, he is.
No.
Spiritually, he is Jewish.
That's how I am.
What?
I'm Costanza.
How about I'm putty?
Yeah.
How about I just get to be petty?
Lane is putty.
I went under your car to have gay sex.
Lane, need your keys.
So I go into your car and have gay sex.
Woo!
Yeah, putty.
Putty, gay putty.
This summer.
This summer.
The guy from the tick.
Remember.
Remember that.
Remember a lane
boyfriend.
I saw that.
He's gay.
He's gay now.
And the other characters called Elaine, but legally it has nothing to do with the design felt.
It just happens to also be Elaine.
Elaine.
Me and my voiceover friend guy are going to go into the bathroom for a second.
But the twist is I have gay sex.
Yes.
The trailer guy is now part of the movie.
Also having gay sex.
Gay sex with putty.
Yeah, feels pretty good.
Always makes me come.
I would love to smash Elaine's cheeks.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love her.
Mm-hmm.
Well, then you should be happy or Jerry because Jerry got to fuck Elaine.
Too bad I never did, as Julie.
He should have gotten pack with her.
That used to frustrate me as a gay little boy.
Why doesn't he get back with Elaine?
Yeah.
She's so charming.
Maybe the pussy was trash.
Yeah.
It could have been a lot of fun.
I remember watching.
I see the way she danced as a kid.
Well, I watched Will and Grace as a kid.
I'm like, I don't understand it.
Why don't Will and Jack have sex?
They're both homosexual.
I thought that too.
We all know that every
game is just to have gay sex with whatever man they are.
If you you leave them in a room is that written into the show that they fucked like once no i'm like why aren't they just always implied yeah it's not implied they never did yeah i remember also thinking as a little kid that deborah messing's character made them gay by being flat chested
yeah that was not like me being mean that was like my thought
yeah you're lying she had big old cans they were what about what about karen she had big titties karen who oh yeah but her voice was annoying yeah but her's titty she talked like a baby
I literally jacked off the episodes of Will and Grace when you could just sort of see parts of her kids.
And they would cut to Jack kissing his baby.
Doing gay stuff, and you're like, oh, no, I can't.
Oops.
Oopsie days.
Oops, rewinding this part.
Jack,
living out loud, you know.
Didn't mean to do that.
Your mom's like, Stavros, why are you doing this in the living room?
Like, it's an accident.
I don't know.
Oh, yeah, it's your mom's birthday.
Happy birthday, Big B.
But I went down to celebrate it this week.
It's my dad's birthday.
Really?
This week.
Did you kiss her?
Yeah.
Mouth?
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
What?
I fucked her.
Are you serious about this?
I kissed her first.
When?
Before you were born, during that year and a half that you were in a moment.
When you were a baby?
Yeah.
I fucked you.
At 18 months old, you fucked my mom?
Yeah.
A fun movie.
Before we all invent time machines and we go back in time trying to fuck each other's moms.
Yeah.
You always go
the day before, and then we just sort of fuck up history and like Hitler's back and then 9-11's a million.
But at least I fucked your mom.
Or did you?
Because I've gone back before that and prevented the mom fucking, but also making time to go fuck your mom.
And then it turns out you're both my sons.
But it's too late because we've already gone past beyond that history and we've formed a secret alliance
to double team your mom.
With the Nazis.
Too bad.
With the Third Reich.
Yeah, well, that's your grandma, you fucking weirdos.
Because I fucked your moms.
No, you can't.
And made you.
You fucked our moms in some timeline, but we used the time machine to go beyond.
Honestly, like,
legitimately, like,
I wouldn't give a fuck if you just absolutely fucked the shit out of my grandma.
I'll give you a shit.
The Tube Pog of Commogenes.
I'll give you the...
Was that
you gave me
that nickname when I was gone?
The Tube Hog of Cape Town.
Damn, Esther.
My grandma's name was Esther.
Both of my grandma's names were Esther.
Shut the fuck up.
I swear, you always got to one-up me, huh?
Are you serious?
Both of my parents.
Wait a second.
Both your grandma's named Esther and one of your grandmas named Esther.
Esther.
Yep.
The three
Esther podcasts.
Jean.
Jean.
Jean.
She was a man.
Yeah, she was a man.
She was a man happily.
Damn.
I had Olga and Vespina.
Oh, yeah.
That's basically Esther.
Vespina is like Esther.
No.
Yeah, Esther now?
Esther?
Vespina.
Oh, Despina?
Like,
in American, it's Despina.
Yeah.
And then there were girls named Despina.
Of course, we called them Despinas.
Yeah, Despinas.
Yeah.
Dat Pinas.
Damn.
I didn't think it was a bag.
It was a good look for you.
Yeah, man.
It's kind of
become one
podcasting in all blue.
Like literally anybody looks like shit sitting on that thing.
It's just sort of designed.
That looks crazy.
you know, it's the same color.
I look cute.
So, the Dole is all documentary.
She's like kind of stating her case and like talking about her childhood.
You decided to go throw that baseball around.
The weather's getting nice, huh?
I know, dude.
We got to go to the park right after this.
I got shit to do.
I got to get my taxes ready for Patrick on Thursday.
You know, it's too late for that already.
He doesn't have a business.
I don't have a business.
You don't have a business.
I have to make a business.
They fuck my shit up.
Really?
Didn't they?
Well, there's just minor things in there.
Like, my address is wrong, but then not only is it wrong, it's spelled wrong, also damn yeah that's gay
uh but they're good i mean they like they do a good job in terms of like saving money they definitely do but like
the problem i have is like i can't ever get any like clear answer on anything yeah i ask a question i'm treated like an asshole for asking for clarification yeah or you have to like call or like go in yeah like i've gotten clarification like that but it is a thing yeah but you know the the accountants make it do magic and that's what's important.
That's right.
Yeah, I'm hoping.
They make the pussy talk.
I'm hoping my man, my man.
Yeah, my accountant makes the pussy talk back, does some magic on me.
Elaine, I saw this thing online.
I want to use your pussy like a puppet.
Well, it's going to require you have a recto-vaginal fistula.
Yeah, it's a Whoopee Goldberg thing.
She did it in one of her movies.
Yeah, Patrick Swayze cut a hole in her asshole, then he would would use her pussy to talk to his wife.
No, I've seen the movie.
It's a different movie.
No, Elaine, it's no, there's Ghost, and then there's this other one with the pussy puppet.
Anyways, I want to do that to you.
Oh, fuck.
That's how you tie it all together.
I can't believe I didn't know.
That's called Theme.
I can't believe I didn't know her name was Beverly Crescent.
Why?
I don't don't know.
I cool you down.
Try to cut up my couch with you.
I was just pushing it.
Yeah.
There was like a wrinkle.
I wonder if you could.
Push this dick into your ass deeper.
Yeah.
Deeper.
Anyway, sorry.
This Dole is all documentary.
Wait, let me just say this.
You must push it deeper.
It's not coming up.
Maybe next seven.
What happened?
So, like, she's like stating her case.
You kind of like, you're like, oh man, maybe, you know, race is a social construct.
Like, if someone could become a woman, why can't they become black?
You know?
Yeah.
And then, like, she's saying her case.
And then at the end of the documentary, they just go through black, like, interviewing black people about it.
And they're like, oh, hell fucking no.
They're like, they're so mad.
They get so pissed off.
And one of them is this black girl doing like a deaf poetry jam.
And her poem is about like, and if I ever see Rachel Dolazal, I'm going to punch her in the fucking face.
She's going to be black and blue.
And it is so.
I used to talk like that on the show all the time.
If I do my dead poetry, Jennifer.
Nobody thinks you're the woke one anymore.
I'm definitely not the woke one.
I'm definitely.
This is no longer a woke show.
This is a Bernie Pro show, dude.
This is a Bernie-Pilled show.
Yeah.
We're Bernie-Pills.
We want universal health care, but also universal slurs.
Universal basic income.
Everyone gets exactly.
We all share money, we all share the N-word.
Yeah, universal basic income.
Because basically,
come
2020 I'm
saying the N-word
at the inauguration.
Yeah, I'm what you call a universal basic bitch dude.
Hell yeah.
I want all that shit.
It'd be sweet if like we get UBI or whatever and it's like $200,000 a year for everyone.
That would rock.
And it doesn't raise the price of anything.
Yeah.
You could just game.
You know?
And people are like, who's going to pay for this?
And it's like, our children.
Yeah, fuck them.
Yeah.
Fuck them.
I'm not having kids.
Your dumbass kids are paying for it.
Your dumb.
Yeah.
I still think something's going to come out about Andrew Yang, and it's going to be very funny.
What do you mean, something?
I don't know.
He's just such an unknown entity.
There has to be something that's very funny in his past.
He's an unknown entity.
It turns out he was the Virginia tech shooter.
Something like that.
He just killed another Asian kid kid and left the body in his dorm.
They're like, yep, that's him.
Bring the family in to identify the body, and they're like, I guess it's him.
I don't know how the fuck we know.
It's Mexican.
It's all the same to us.
Yes,
we're not Asian.
We're those Mexican people that look Asian.
Yeah.
Chino.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Yang, but Yang, it's not like he's well known.
I feel like it's only on the internet, right?
Yeah, well, he did Rogan.
He blew up from it
online.
A lot of the Pepe guys.
I can't wait to blow up.
Oh, I want to say this is my last time to say my dates on the show before I go to the Midwest this weekend, so I just wanted to say them proper because I feel like
this isn't going up, but by then, this is going up on Wednesday, yeah.
But by that time, it's too late.
Yeah, so I'm going out with Mike.
Come on, guys.
Importantly, March 30th, we'll be in D.C.
as a black cat.
I'll be in D.C.
We're doing a stand-up.
We're doing an 8 p.m.
stand-up show, a 10 p.m.
live podcast, two different shows.
So get your tickets to one or both.
They will be completely different shows.
I mean, it'll still be us the whole time, though.
So Friday night, I'm at North Bar in Chicago.
It's only about 100 tickets left for both shows, so please buy those.
Fuck.
We're close to selling out.
God damn it.
Did you get channels?
Did you have snookers on your news tracks all over my fucking brown beautiful show?
Okay, so Friday night on the 22nd
March, I am at the back of the market.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and there was just blood pouring out of my nose.
This is profusely bleak.
That happens to me all the time.
Yeah.
Since I was a kid.
Not even from all the drugs.
All right, so I am at North Barn, Chicago, this Friday, two date,
two times.
Nice.
You can look on the website for that.
On Saturday night in Milwaukee at Puddler's Hall.
And then we are in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, which I understand is about an hour from Minneapolis on Sunday the 24th at the Plus.
And then Mike will be in Minneapolis on Monday night.
I will be back in New York.
Check out Adam at the Diddler's Pocket, April 22nd.
And
headlining the ball pit at the Eau Claire McDonald's.
I will say that
Mike Racine is our buddy.
You've heard him on the show.
He's a fabulous stand-up comic.
You guys will really enjoy it.
That's right.
So March 30th.
March 30th, D.C.
Cometown Live for the Black Cat two-time.
I'm trying to put together a West Coast thing.
Yeah, hell yeah.
I talked to that San Diego guy, and then I got another thing in the Bay Area, and then Portland.
Nice.
I might do a little
early summer run.
What are you doing in the Yay?
Huh?
What are you doing in the Yay area?
I don't know.
I'm still going back and forth to the guy.
Nice.
Yeah.
That'd be fun.
That would be fun, dude.
West Coast.
Portland was fun.
You should do Seattle and Portland.
Well, what I want to do is rent a car, do San Diego, L.A.,
just drive up the PCH.
That would be tight.
It would be tight, dude.
PCH is great.
The pussy cheese.
Wayne.
You've got to borrow your car to go on a gay sex trip up the PCH.
Putty's child.
Have you ever done it?
Did you do it when you were in California, the PCH?
No.
It's called Putty's Come Hour.
You should go to Big Sir.
Going up the PCH, Puddy's Come Hour.
You should go to Big Sir and do Acid.
Why don't you let me live my own life?
I'm saying, why don't you let me just be
drop a little tabby?
Tabby my wings.
Drop a little tabby at Big Sir.
Go to Joshua Tree, press a gun to my temple
and fucking say, what a beautiful world.
Listen to it click.
Yeah.
And then it put hail tape link.
Click, click, suck.
Say, wow, the gun.
Sun,
I have a second lease on life.
Suck, suck, dick.
Suck, suck.
I wonder if like gun store owners, they recognize guys that come in that want to kill themselves and they have special guns that jam.
That would be a gun store owner with a heart of gold.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Well, then you can sell him a second gun, though.
Yeah.
It's just smart business.
It's just a savvy business decision.
Yeah.
Sell him on the jams.
He comes back.
Mm-hmm.
Then, you know, you sell him two guns to kill himself.
What about one with one of those flags that comes out?
It's like 3D chess.
Like, the other day I was explaining to someone someone that the only reason I make fun of retarded people is to guarantee that I have a retarded kid.
Because I care.
I love them so much.
I love them so much.
They're being eradicated from this world through the vicious act of abortion.
Which you are fully against.
Which I, which I...
In every circumstance.
Which, yes.
Yeah, niggas trad cat.
Only because.
Only because of that powerful testimony.
That boy.
That man.
Oh, yeah.
I guess he's a man.
That's right.
Who was recently actually covered on NPR?
I don't know if you guys know.
Oh, he had his own.
On Nice Being.
He had his own.
He had his own
special.
I don't know.
He was at the show.
Yeah.
It is funny, though, because you would watch it and you would think that I did actually not even consider the fact that they are happier than regular people.
Oh, yeah.
And when he said that, it was like, oh, I guess they probably deserve life more than most people.
Easily.
Because really, the only thing that matters is
whether you enjoy your life or not.
Yeah.
The rest of it's bullshit.
100%.
And if they're having a good time.
Yeah, they're having the best time.
Which, and
good moods are contagious.
Drinking chocolate milk and shit.
Right, exactly.
We should all hope that we could be having people with Down syndrome.
Like, here's the thing.
If everyone had Down syndrome, it would probably throw the world into a pretty significant disarray for a while.
But we're still much smarter than chimps.
Right.
You know?
Yeah, we'd have little nice, we'd have really nice grass huts.
You know, would we have
complete indoors?
Probably not.
If they can automate the candy manufacturing, I think we should like just willingly accept a few months.
Everyone gets $1,000 a month from Andrew Yang.
Well, he would also.
You have full automation of candy.
Andrew Yang would be
on the syndrome.
I think
your son's going to probably be more likely to be gay than retarded.
Why?
Because, you know, of all that you make, you know, a lot of gay sex parody songs, jokes, you know.
That's, you know, if you want to guarantee your son.
Well, why has it got to be both?
Why can't it be both?
Probably both.
You're right.
That's the happiest kind of guy.
Well, your kid's probably going to be disabled, because Dosh is irradiated.
From Chernobyl.
From Chernobyl.
Yeah, that's true.
I think about that a lot.
Yeah.
Maybe my kid will be like the fucking Charles Xavier mutant.
Yeah, maybe he'll have a be strong.
Yeah, strong, kick my ass.
Probably not.
Hold you down.
Probably like missing a nasal bridge.
Left lip.
Come on.
That's not how I feel.
Flippers.
Daja came out alright.
Yeah, but she was the first one.
Oh, I guess.
She's
laying dormant in her eggs.
Yeah, her irradiated eggs.
Her pussy glows in the dark.
Can you play like
Adam's like, where is it?
I can't find.
Where is it?
Oh, there it is.
Oh, there it is.
I've came already.
I'm already done having sex.
His pants are still on.
I've finished having sex.
Do you want to get like hazmat suits or whatever and then like go paintballing in Chernobyl when we're in Europe?
Yeah.
We're not going to Europe.
Oh, we might not.
Yeah, we're not.
If we go.
Yes.
All right.
Have you ever gone paintballing before?
Let's end the show.
Bye.
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