Ep. 143 – Empire

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Have a good time.

We're getting it started.

Yeah, you didn't put that on.

No.

Put what on?

Oh, Adam.

Adam was dropping some in-bombs.

Some in bombs.

It's so cute when Adam says the N-word.

What do you mean?

I don't see it.

You curtsy.

Yeah.

You're like, thank you.

Did I do good, Daddy?

I look over my shoulder three times.

Yep.

Here we are, folks.

Now, this news is desperately hanging.

I know, I got to drop the Jussie stuff.

It's all over the place now.

I know.

I feel like I'm harping, but it's like, it's all over the place.

You were ahead of the curve, to give you credit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was the one that literally broke the case.

Yeah, it was you.

I broke it.

Nick, even before any of the information had come in, he was calling CPD every day.

Yeah, somebody was like,

somebody was like, a gay black man.

I'm like, fake.

It's not.

Gay black Jewish man.

All right, I forgot.

I don't even even know if he's actually.

He's a quadruple threat.

He's a singer, actor, Jewish, black, gay.

That's five.

Yeah.

Is he five three?

Is he actually Jewish?

He's basically a cartoon.

His dad's Jewish.

Is he?

Yeah.

Is Smollett Jewish?

Smollett is a Jewish last name.

Congratulations, Dad.

Apparently, another hoax perpetrated.

Another media hoax.

Yeah.

Really, the Jews have gotten the full pass on this one.

And I just want to say thanks to the media

that we have.

I wonder why that's being underreported.

I wonder what's going on there.

I want to shout out Jeff.

It would be so funny if we get to the end of the Mueller report or whatever.

It finally comes out, and it's Trump's last day in office after finishing two glorious terms.

And we finally get to evidence, and then it's like, it's just 90% Israel.

Yeah.

And then Democrats have to be like, ah, well.

It wouldn't surprise me.

What's this thing over here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It wouldn't surprise me.

Like, Bibi was furious about the Iran deal, and Trump said he would cancel it.

Yeah.

You know?

That's Bibi's deal.

How long?

I feel like I'm not interesting that

I'm not escaping the case.

I'm not saying that.

It's like corruption charges that keep coming up.

I'm not saying that as

a crazy off-the-wall hypothetical.

I mean, literally, when that happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And there's like people, there's a like people just pretend not to care anymore.

Well, it won't matter.

They'll just keep saying, oh, the Russians got to Mueller.

They'll be like,

it looks like Mueller's a bot.

Looks like he's an anti-Semitic bot.

I love that.

Yeah, they're going to say he's, yes, it's Russia being anti-Semitic.

I saw a couple of tweets where there was like,

just keep in mind that there are definitely Russian bots out there that are trying to further the divide between people and using this Jeff C.

Smollett story to do something.

Incredible.

So just figure out where you want to be on that one.

Incredible.

Yeah.

And it's like, oh, yeah, we shouldn't talk about it anymore.

Yeah.

Oh, good point.

That's a great point.

You talked about endlessly

weeks.

Now everybody else needs to shout out.

Well, because of Russian people.

Because of Russia.

What a bunch of fucking morons, man.

It's crazy.

I'm stupid as shit, and those people are stupider than me.

I got called a Russian bot a million times when that Chelsea Clinton

Adam is just a fake.

Oh, hell yeah.

I'm a psion.

Well, you are.

Yeah.

Shit, what if the Clintons?

A Zionist Psyop.

Dude, what if the Clintons poisoned Ernest?

They did.

What, 30 years ago?

That's been on the way out for a while.

Nah, dude.

But when did it happen?

When did it finally go?

He's like Mo Green, not Moe Green.

Who's the other guy?

The other Jewish guy in the Godfather?

That Michael wants killed.

Is it the guy from Spin City?

No, man.

The Jewish guy from Spin City.

Richard Kind.

Richard Kind.

No, it's not Richard Kind.

How did that guy become an actor?

Salute to him.

Is this the room with the auditions?

I wonder how, nigga.

I love this character.

The most Jewish man you've ever seen in your life in the entertainment industry.

It's just the room where they're doing the auditions.

I was looking for the bandroom.

My uncle sent me here.

That guy is holy.

I came from the other bathroom.

There was no place to have diarrhea.

Yeah.

There was only a renewal.

Yeah.

No, he is funny as shit.

They're like, sir, you're going to have to find a stage name because Keichenstein is not.

It's a little bit.

Shmuley is a little bit more.

Schmooly Keikenstein,

Richard Kynes.

That sounds good.

Dick Kuykenstein.

He was awesome in

the Home Brothers movie.

Yeah, I was about to say, in a serious man, he was placed the schizophrenic brother.

Serious Man rocked my cop.

That movie fucked me up.

Every once in a while, I see a really good movie, and I'm like, oh, right.

Yeah.

Movies can move.

You can watch good movies.

You can watch good ones.

Although, I got to say.

There's literally thousands of good movies that you haven't seen yet.

Should I be going back and watching?

I'm probably going to go watch Elite of Battle Angel pretty soon.

What's that?

That looks pretty tight.

What is it?

From what I can surmise, it's a sex doll that comes to life, but is good at killing people.

Oh, it's a girl with like, she's like big

anime eyes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kind of like an infantilized

sex child that also kills.

Okay, cool.

Sounds pretty cool.

Yeah, that that is that Spielberg, or am I just confusing that with Ready Play?

Richard Kynes also completely in Clifford, the greatest comedy of all time.

We have to re-watch it sometimes.

I've never seen it.

I haven't seen it in like three or four years.

It's such a funny movie.

Let's do the re-watch.

Yeah.

Let's do a Clifford pod.

But Stefan wanted to stand over here,

just act like a normal boy for once.

That's the best scene.

Yeah, that is the best scene.

You can't even do it.

Nice.

Martin Short is the goat, man.

I love that guy.

He's really funny.

Yeah.

Canadian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They make the funniest people.

They have some.

They've had a really good run.

That is true.

Yeah.

Him, Norm.

Nathan.

Nathan, that's true.

No one's Rogan.

There's some funny people.

I mean, no one's funny.

I just, that's the thing I've noticed.

Yeah, yeah.

I watched Stephen Colbert the other night, and I was like, what is this?

Yeah, I mean, yes, the late night shit's such a funny thing.

Fucking tragedy.

Stephen Colbert looks like he's about to cry.

I know.

And the Colbert report is one of the best things of all time.

That shows hilarious.

And then you watch Late Night.

It's funny as a show.

Good evening,

everybody.

This is egregious and it has to stop.

Woo!

It's like Trump replies.

It is like Trump replies to the show.

That's what it is.

It's fucking brutal.

Well, they've all become that.

I mean, not Smith Meyers.

To Jimmy Fallon's credit, I guess.

This show's too dumb.

Yeah, he's too drunk.

I do like that.

I mean, it is kind of just a sweet justice that like fucking liberal boomers, like, hopefully they're having heart attacks and dying while Trump is in office.

This is how the world is ending for them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is good.

You're right.

Yeah, that is the one silver lining.

I mean, yeah, some bad shit.

There's a guy that drove a Volkswagen once in 1968.

We saved the world.

Right.

He got a hand job in one of those vans.

Right.

Yeah.

We were at the hand.

I had long hair.

I had a sex with a woman who had crabs.

You know?

I mean, I know, I understand what the brothers

were going through.

Like, I knew a couple of slick daddy-os back in the day.

I even winked at a Vietnamese girl once.

Just those guys trying to dap up your one black friend?

Just those dads.

Oh, Tyrode, cool on out.

The dad from Get Out is like the best example.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm glad all those guys are hopefully dying with Trump in office.

That is true.

That look of fear in Stephen Colbert's eyes makes it all worth it.

But ultimately, those people will be fine.

What do you mean?

Like, their lives aren't bad.

Their lives are great.

Yeah.

They have the

toil that we experience.

Unlike us.

The proletariat.

The podcasting minds.

Day in and day out.

Saying things like, I sucked my dad's ball for chocolate syrup, yummy, yummy, yummy, which is a bit I'm working on.

Yeah, dude, our lives are fucking tough as shit.

It's tough as shit, dude.

We have to wait 25 years for them to release

a Super Nintendo that's got multiple games already on the console.

This is something we've been asking for since we were four.

Literally, I have been, yes.

And

it's not even all the games.

No, it's barely that many games.

That's the only thing our generation wanted, was all the games for Super Nintendo, and you can't even fucking do that.

They released like a small PlayStation that has like 20 games on it.

Yeah, they've been doing that with all the old consoles.

Yeah, I'm waiting on.

I can't wait for one of the new avatars coming out so that I can call them gay and bad.

The new avatar movie?

Didn't he say he's going to do like seven more movies?

Yeah, they were going to do them all concurrently.

Huh?

M.

Night Shyamala?

No, not that Airbender.

Avatar.

Avatar, the

blue.

I never saw the first one.

The blue monkey guys

have tail pussies and shit.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.

One of the worst movies of all time.

But there's probably like 35 minutes in there that would be cool to see.

I told you why I never saw it.

It would be cool if you went if you're Dick of Smokey.

they you know if like elon musk develops some kind of like deep space deep space exploration vessel you know they can like transmit video back in real time and it but it travels light speeds and it goes to a far-off like distant galaxy and we finally find whatever that fucking planet's called what is it called in the movie the i don't know i don't know but the thing they're looking for is called unobtainium so they find this ungayest shit of all time and that the spaceship lands The spaceship lands.

And then they're going around like this.

Savi pussy.

This planet, yeah, this Navi planet.

And like they're sending video back to Earth.

And they're like, we're amazed at all this flora and fauna.

And then finally, you see one of these majestic creatures, these like centaur people,

just in a galaxy far, far away.

And then just on its knees underneath the

body, the torso of one of these things is Ian Fidance sucking its guy.

What?

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's going on?

Yeah, don't

be funny about this.

Hey, what's that?

A Cameron?

You're all gaining camera.

Hey, hey, don't show that to anybody, though.

Like, how did Ian get there?

How did having strange thirst for cock brought him 18 galaxies away?

Technically, not gay sex.

Yeah, technically, it is not.

It ain't gay technically.

I'm not full gay technically.

Aliens, man.

Come on.

It's not like blowing a dude.

Seven sad dick.

They're not V.

They're not even human.

You can't say that it's gay.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, by the way, real quick, plug, me and Ian this Friday in two days will be in Delaware at Bootless Stageworks.

Buy your tickets now, please, and maybe he'll suck your dick.

Also, watch my Comedy Central little spot.

It just popped off.

Ian will be sucking dick.

Ian will suck your dick.

If you buy a ticket and you DM me, I'll make sure Ian sucks your dick.

Delaware dick sucker tour.

Ian Fidaz.

Stavros Halkias.

Both of them suck dick.

I will not be sucking dick.

But she just also does it.

You just,

but I love it.

I'm not fucking dying.

Yeah.

What'd you say about Ian?

Yeah.

Just with the...

Where's the bathroom?

Fucking CB radio attached to their chest and the antenna coming off the head.

This guy's not sucking dick.

Let's get out of here, boys.

Antenna scraping against the ceiling as they walk out.

Hey, if those motherfuckers buy tickets, listen, Ian has to suck their dicks.

Don't worry, guys.

If any truckers come, Ian will suck your dick.

I will say, though, the Navi, I don't believe driving tough.

It's Pandora.

I don't believe that.

Pandora.

You're right.

Oh, my God.

I never even saw that movie.

That is.

I've told this story on the podcast before, but

yeah, just I went to see it, and it was one of those theater's where they let you order beer.

Right.

And I passed out.

Was it 3D?

Yes, it was.

Yeah, I didn't go.

My friend with one eye went to go see it in 3D.

Incredible.

I knew.

He's like, this isn't work.

I'm not even no shit.

He's like, everything's double vision.

I don't get why.

This shit's mad blurry, bro.

That one of the worst.

It's like Giovanni Robisi playing fake golf and just talking about stealing the unobtainium.

It's like it was a movie.

Yeah, yeah.

He plays like an evil, like, I don't know, a pawn of an evil corporation.

It's Pocahontas.

I mean, we've talked about it.

Gioanne eat penis.

I never saw it because

I was dating this girl and I knew I was.

I was going to suck your dick, man.

Come on.

Will you mean it?

He's really sad about how much he wants to.

It's not even like a horny thing.

It's like he desperately wants to.

He wanted to suck your dick.

I was dating this girl, and I knew I wanted to break up with her, and I didn't want to spend $55 on two IMAX tickets.

Of course.

So I was like too cheap to pocket

So he fucking waited until she left him.

She left me.

No, a different girl.

No, I know the timeline.

I know the timer.

Yeah, I fucked her, actually.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah, it wasn't.

Yeah, we fucked her.

Whoever it was, we fucked her.

In the theater.

In the theater.

My little brother was there, too.

He watched the movie with me, and he fucked her also.

In fact, everyone in this movie.

My ginger ex-girlfriend.

Yep.

My little brother Nick.

She's such a bitch.

Fucked her pussy.

That was a great bonding experience for me and my brother because we went into it like, because there was so much hype.

This is going to be awesome.

And we were just, it quickly turned into this is the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen in my life.

I've said this before, but my dad was one of like the whatever percentage of people in society that got depressed after seeing it because he wanted to live on the alien planet.

Your dad's a fucking loser, dude.

Yeah, he was like sad.

He was sad for like two months.

Yeah.

You just walk in on your dad with blue face paint on.

He's growing his hair out.

He's got a tail coming out of his asshole.

Just dragging a bag.

Blues the door at him.

Poor guy.

He's been like trampled over the door.

Knocky doo-doo cock of lugabaga.

One of the fucking fake languages.

I'm learning the V.

Cocky Labodaboo.

No, there was like a phenomena.

There was a phenomena of like a documented phenomena of people getting depressed after seeing that movie because they wanted to look at the movie.

No, I think that was just marketing for the movie.

No, I think it's just

that fucking like James Cameron fed that phenomenon.

James Cameron.

There were articles that came out afterwards that were like people are sad.

How did they document it, motherfucker?

Because the American Psychiatric Association.

It was fucking

marketing cameras.

They were not by James Cameron to make people think the movie was so good that people wanted to live on that planet.

The movie sucks, Adam.

Have you ever heard him speak?

I really don't.

Because I wanted to, man.

I was like, I wanted to love it.

I was ready for just some bullshit, immersive, sentimental garbage.

Exactly.

Like, I needed that at that moment, and it didn't do it.

It was fucking I was so mad, but it was so bad, it was, it did scratch an itch for me.

When that guy's like knife fighting the Navy and the mech, it was like, what the fuck is this?

Dude, the team like a ride?

The tails.

That's how they feel like you're at Disneyland and you're doing like a VR.

That was your biggest complaint with the movie.

No, you're saying this is like this is everyone's complaint.

They flow their tails.

No, stop.

The tails.

No, can we all guys?

Shut up.

What I'm saying is, there's supposed to be this big touching scene where they're like kissing and then they start tail fucking each other.

So what did you want to see?

Them have set?

Like

mounting?

Just kiss and that's over.

And now we're supposed to like, they're literally fucking, it's like watching someone's cock go into a pussy during a sentimental ass moment.

Just seeing cunt juice all over the place.

No thanks.

No, you're saying no thanks to witnessing sex, guys.

Not during like a

one time.

Not during a fucking like sunset where it's like, I I love you, I love you too.

And then you just fucking hear someone go,

I like it.

You're put off by the mere suggestion of any kind of emotional connection with regards to sex.

No, I'm just talking about.

Disgusting.

It was weird to have this sentimental moment and then this bizarre tail fucking scene is supposed to be like

cute and nice.

I do kind of think that maybe that's James Cameron jacked off.

Yes.

There was a weird energy behind it.

Like that's what he secretly wants.

Can you bust

inside my ass?

Can you bust in me?

I think I've mentioned this before, but

I watched his like acceptance speech for Titan.

Can you bust?

Can you see me?

Inside my fucking ass.

I am gay for you.

This is those two lions.

All right, not bad.

I think we got it, guys.

Elton.

Elton, you're a bad guy.

I'm gay players.

Please show us a movie for children.

One take.

This little Elton A.

Can you bust inside my ass?

Can you bust in

me?

Can you bust

inside my fucking ass

and fuck me and my ass.

Humbuumbawet.

Just African bullshit.

It's all gibberish.

Sima weda.

Simba de wanera.

My nuts I'm gay.

Fucking gay.

Simba, one day you can fuck all of this.

But see that?

Where are those guys guys who having sex with others?

Don't ever do that.

Don't go in there that night.

Simba, not ever do that.

Don't do that kind of shit.

There's a bunch of gay ass lions.

Hyenas, dude.

No, but that's the gay lions.

That's where the gay lions are getting their asses fucked.

Don't ever go to, yeah.

The hyenas sucking each other's dicks.

This is immoral.

I love cock and not pussy.

Oh, like, was it Paul Ryan said this is the dawn of a new Republican era or whatever, and then all those like retarded Twitter liberals are posting pictures of the Lion King?

And it's like, well, we lost the election.

Time to revert to watching baby movies in our paranoid cave.

Why were they posting Lion King memes?

When Scar is like, oh, he says this is the dawn of a new king.

I don't know what the fuck Scar says, but they're like, this is exactly like Scar from Lion King.

I don't get that shit, man.

It's like, it's always like Lion King.

It's either Disney or Harry Potter shit.

It's the fucking gayest shit.

Or Game of Thrones.

Well, it's because they're babies.

Yeah.

It's because they're dumb babies and not me.

Not you.

Me neither.

The most mature man in America.

That's true.

Whereas what I like to do is take pictures of basketball players and describe, do memes about one of them being my dick and one of them being something else.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that what you did recently?

That's comatic me thinks.

That's kind of my thing.

Because I'm a grown man.

I'm just going to search Twitter for Methinks.

Methinks is a great one.

Don't just protest too much.

Methinks.

Methinks is guaranteed the most trash tweets.

I am fucking gay.

I love

Sir Elton John.

His music.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

He wears a wig, right?

Oh, you think he's bald?

Because he's bald.

He's definitely bald.

In the 70s, he was bald.

Oh, I suppose he was.

And then he got sort of like a

bold cut.

Yeah.

No, being gay makes your hair grow back.

Really?

Really?

Yes.

Was that you riding a horse to a man's house?

That's me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nay, girl.

I need your energy to give me that man's house back.

Stop it to ride a horse to a man's house to have sexism.

Oh, really?

Please, homie.

That's me sucking dick, dude.

I think the British are coming, dude.

I think the British.

Dude, I got

high.

I think the horse is high.

I rarely got high or get high, but I did like a year ago, and I was just cracking myself up walking around going, I think the British.

I think the British are coming.

I've smoked pot.

I've tried gay sex.

I've tried gay sex.

I've I've tried.

You mean to tell me that a bunch of guys who were able to have a real friendship with each other had time

to fight a whole war?

I think it would have gone something like this.

Wait, gay sex makes your hair grow back?

No, I wouldn't want a high horseman.

I think the British are busting.

I think the British are coming in each other's asses, man.

Can't you fall fall

inside my

little nuts?

We're not even in like third grade anymore at this show.

We're like literally kindergarten at this point.

Not me.

Kindergarten's gonna hottest.

Yeah, maybe you're in kindergarten.

Because you and Stop are both high schoolers.

Bitch.

You're the kindergartner we hang out with.

Yeah, yeah.

Because we're cool.

We have a five-year-old friend.

We're 16.

And we hang out with a five-year-old.

Seniors in high school, dude.

It's now our turn to be cool.

Let's go hang out with the third graders.

What's up, little fucking homos?

Yeah, you guys are fucking losers, unlike us.

We're cool because we're 18.

We got our permits.

No, you can't see your mommy.

Your mom's dead.

Your mom's mom got put out on a a fucking stroll.

Bitcher and some ducats for the fucking camera.

Yeah, we're pipping out your mom.

Her mom comes downstairs.

Who are you?

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Don't tell my mom.

I'm sorry.

My mom doesn't like it when I leave the house.

Ken, you saw us.

Stop, have you watched Abducted in Plain Sight yet?

No.

It's the best.

I'm sure about it.

Nick, you saw it, right?

Yeah.

It's pretty fucking insane.

It's about this pedophile that wants to fuck his neighbor's daughter.

Oh, damn.

So he starts fucking the mom.

What?

To ingratiate himself with shit.

And then he makes the dad jack him off.

Yeah, and then he makes

it so that the dad is so ashamed that he

starts pedophile and molest his daughter because he's so embarrassed.

He's so embarrassed because he's like, he's like, I'm just,

I really got a bust.

Can you please just beat me off?

And he's like, man, I masturbate it.

The dad's like,

I did.

something I'm still ashamed of.

He starts crying.

This old man starts crying.

Like, how was it?

this?

What?

Because they're Mormons, dude.

They're so dumb.

Yeah.

They're like dumb Mormons.

He's like,

he fucks both the parents, and then the parents like, trust him.

So he goes on vacation with him.

And then he starts abducting the daughter and raping her.

And then they keep dropping charges.

And they drop the charges every time.

And he just continues.

They're like, what?

Yeah.

That doesn't sound.

That's.

I don't even know how to respond to that, dude.

Yeah.

Who was this guy?

He was some.

I guess he was also a Mormon they like met in church.

Wait, that was you?

It was me and the family's you.

Yes.

No.

I'm sorry you had to find out.

Are you serious?

You fucked me, a woman's

fucked your dad.

I jacked you off.

I did.

Yeah, I fucked my daughter.

Yes.

We fucked your dad, and he was like, all right, you can fuck my son, but just don't tell anyone.

What?

So, was he like some sex?

Like, was this guy the most charming guy of all time?

What is going on?

How does so?

They met this guy.

And also, the guy knows he's fucking his wife, and he's like, all right, tight.

Let me just go.

I don't know if he knew that he was fucking his wife.

Also, how do you just get talked into jacking a guy off?

They went for a ride, and he said, I'm

incredibly sexually frustrated because my wife isn't giving me any pussy.

And then he exposed his erection.

He said, Can you please just masturbate me?

Because I need relief.

This guy's gay, right?

The dad?

He has to.

No, he's a pedophile, but pedophiles are.

No, I mean, the other guy.

The dad?

Oh, the dad's gay.

No, yeah.

He has to be.

He's, yeah.

Or he's just confused.

No.

He's just the most confused culture.

You're a straight guy.

If someone has, if you're taking a fucking car ride with somebody and he pulls his cock out and he's like, hey, Adam, will you jack me off?

He was so sheltered and Mormon, he didn't even know what being gay was.

You know what being gay is, man.

You know

jacking another man's cock is gay.

What the fuck?

It is, it is the

funniest episode.

That is fucking insane.

Yeah.

Because like all of these true crime documentaries are just made for women to fap to because they're like, oh my god, like,

oh, I'm,

you know, they like just have these like sort of rape fantasies.

Yeah, I was saying with the Ted Bundy thing, it's like all these women, they're like fucking in love with them, and it's like, it's not that women don't want to be raped, it's just you got to murder them afterwards, and then they won't be mad about it.

I'm not wrong.

You got look, raping women, pretty fucking wrong, but if you murder them afterwards, other women are like, who's that guy?

Right.

It cancels out and then

somehow.

Yes.

Yes.

It's like, because raping a woman without murdering her is like, let's go to a really nice restaurant.

And they're like, okay.

And then you're like, do you want to split the bill?

And they're like, are you fucking kidding me?

No, they want the whole experience.

They want the whole thing.

I see.

Women like to be whined and

murdered.

And

your theory is that women want to be raped and murdered.

Well, I use the terms whined and dying.

Right, yes.

Which one's the whining?

The raping.

The dining is the murder.

Okay.

Interesting.

I would disagree personally with that theory.

Well, I like what you're doing.

The best way to set it is by not asking any women.

Dasha did say when she was at women's college, literally every girl in the dorm was just watching SVU all the time.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

For sure.

But girls are obsessed with fucking torture porn.

I think a lot of people have like rape fantasies and shit.

Like

they want you to fucking rough them up and shit.

I don't know.

That's a way everyone fucks now.

Everyone wants to get like choked and shit.

It's true.

Yeah, people like it.

Like it

a kinky or something.

They really do.

Maybe it's just being just fucking in New York or whatever.

But it's like everyone wants to get choked and like tied up and shit.

Right?

Wasn't there a point where you were learning how to fucking tie knots and shit at him?

Weren't you like fucking women that like

you were like the girl that said she was hanging rope?

She said her ex was a sex nerd.

Yeah.

I always thought that shit was so lame.

Oh, yeah.

Whenever a woman's like, maybe I can get into costumes.

It's like, maybe you can just shut up.

I'm not going to do a play.

I know, dude.

I know.

I have to learn fucking Boy Scout shit, like, like fucking

little knots and stuff.

Yeah, you need your badge.

I'll beat the shit out of you if you want.

Yeah.

I had to go to the hardware.

If you want me to, I'm just not going to do a character while I do it.

The worst part is like, you're like prepared.

All the preparation takes like an hour and a half.

And you're just looking at a naked woman.

You want to fuck the entire time.

I want to bunch.

And you're like, can I just have sex all day?

There's no better feeling than just blowing right past a safe work.

You know,

it's like when you make a yellow.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like you're making great time.

She's like, oh, peanuts, peanuts.

And you're just fucking wailing on her face.

Right, right.

There's just blood everywhere.

Yes.

Oh, I thought you said something else.

It is interesting.

Again, I would again,

like with your wine and dine theory, I'm gonna disagree with this one.

I gotta disagree too.

But hey, man, this is about healthy debate.

It's just

about this is the view for God.

I'm whoopee.

No, you're Nick finding two different ways to come out.

Is a lot of women want to be punched in the face beyond the safe wire.

If they don't want to admit that, then you, you know, don't play the game.

I'm Joy Behar because I'm a Jewish man in a red wig.

Now, my question is this:

Did we have bagels this morning?

Were they brought here?

Does anyone know?

Does anyone know if they were brought here?

Joy, we're on air.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all I have to contribute.

And I'm Megan McCain because I have big-ass juicy titties.

Yeah, and your dad's titties.

My dad's, I wish my, yeah.

Or professor

to be dead.

Joy Behar never has any information.

No, she rules.

They're like, they're like,

they're like,

she rocks.

Should Amazon come to New York?

This is a big question.

I mean, it'll bring 25,000 jobs.

Like, yeah, but those jobs displace

a lot of the people that were already there.

These aren't jobs for the people that are living in Queens.

These are people coming in from elsewhere.

And it's like, well, you know, I mean, like

they can work in the projects and maybe help these people out.

And Joy Behar is like, just let me ask you this.

What is Amazon?

Okay, what is Amazon?

What are we talking about?

Is that like the internet?

Okay, so what's the internet?

Yeah.

So they're bringing the internet to Queens now.

And she's wearing like nine pairs of reading glasses.

Queens, that's different than New York City.

That's just different.

Joy, you're from here.

Joy, you've lived here your entire life.

What is alive?

What do you mean by live?

What is being alive?

Yeah.

Coming up next, Terry Shaivo.

Joy.

Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy.

Joy, that was.

Look, I'll admit it.

I bought Blackface years ago.

Joy, you've got to do it.

No one has.

I'll say it.

I have done blackface.

So does that mean Amazon can't open a factory?

They're not bringing a factory here, Joy.

It's an office building.

No, literally, and they were doing,

we're having a conversation about

the jobs it's going to bring here.

And she's like, yeah, but what about

you'd say the not high-paying jobs?

What about all the packing and folding?

She said Amazon.

It's not aware.

Amazon was going to spend 15 years building

a $50 million facility

to have just poor people pack and fold things.

They already have warehouses everywhere.

Everywhere.

Oh, fuck.

Shout out to Joy.

What was Joy's career before?

But what about

the people who have to put the grease in the conveyor belts?

What about those guys?

Joy does stand-up?

There was a gay guy in my office when I first started doing stand-up who was like, he's like, yeah, he's like, me and my partner love stand-up.

We saw Joy Behar at the Improv last week.

She's our favorite comedian.

That's incredible.

I feel like if I was a gay guy, I'd refer to the other gay guy as my wife all the time.

Yeah.

Much to his chagrin.

Mm-hmm.

Probably.

We're partners.

Shut up, bitch.

This is my wife.

You know?

That would be a cool move.

Yeah.

Yeah, that probably is the kind of gay guy you would be.

But then that guy would fuck your ass.

No, no.

Your wife would fuck your ass.

I would be the Bert in that situation.

No, you'd be Ernie all day.

No.

Yes.

No, I'm definitely Bert.

You're Ernie, bitch.

You ever see this?

What?

That put that video on.

What's that?

Oh, Nick's just showing me Dash's titty.

No, come on.

I'm not Josh.

It hasn't popped out yet.

Yeah.

But, I mean, we are watching.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

There's a...

Stop having seen it.

Look, it's not.

Stop should see this.

We didn't go to the bird.

You didn't make enough.

I I mean, she does not care, but

you know, she's on Mr.

Skin.

That's true.

Pull up, Nick.

Pull up, Mr.

Skin.

She should check out this.

Mr.

Skin, Adam's girlfriend.

Mr.

Skin slash Adam Friedland's girlfriend.

Oh, God.

Oh, could you go into the archives to his other girlfriends, too?

Yeah.

Girlfriends in the past.

Why isn't there a Mrs.

Skin?

You know what I'm saying?

So true.

Yeah, Mr.

Skin is the one that's collecting all the pics

for his wife.

Yeah, she's horny.

She's the real power in that colour.

Is there Mrs.

Skin and it's Guy's Cox?

Like Playgirl magazine?

Well, there's plenty of movies now where you see Cock,

so why don't they have that?

I don't know.

I think there's far more time.

I want to make a website called Mr.

Shin, and I just document Chinese people that have been in movies.

It's like, can anyone identify this?

And it's like, clearly Sandro.

It's like, does anyone know who this Chinese

sideways is?

It's just like major motion pictures that everyone knows who is in.

Welcome to the Mr.

Shin.

We document the conspiracy of like, why is all these, who is this one person that's been in so many movies?

Have you ever noticed that this one character has been in almost every movie released since the king and I?

That's not even that.

How many Asian people are in like big movies?

Well, the best was that they just didn't let them.

It's like fucking breakfast at Tiffany's.

Yeah, Mickey Roo, Mickey Room.

That shit rules.

That is one of the funniest things.

The King and I,

it is just so clearly.

The movie isn't like an overt comedy.

No.

You know?

Yes.

It would be like if you went to go see fucking,

I don't know,

fucking.

I don't know.

I'm trying to think of a comparable movie.

Yeah, something.

Maybe he went to go see Mona Lisa Smile, and then for whatever reason, there was like a white guy pretending to be Indian.

That sounds a good thing.

How are you doing, Mrs.

Mona Lisa?

Just bobbing his hand.

What's Mona Lisa Smile?

I don't know.

Just like a fucking movie for girls where it's like, oh, okay.

She's a bitch, but

she wants it all.

She wants it all, but she's a bitch.

And then she meets a cute boy.

Yeah, and then she becomes less of a bitch or something through the power of getting her pussy rubbed.

And something, so there's some kind of like something falters in their relationship.

I guess, right?

But they fix it at the end.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

That's a good one.

Sounds like a good movie to me.

Do you see her tits?

Whoever it is?

Julia

fucking

Styles.

That's not Julia Claire.

That's not who's in Mona Lisa Smile.

No, because

I was thinking Claire Daines.

Because I mix up.

No, the actress in Mona Lisa Smile is in

A Woman You've Done Shows in Brooklyn.

No, man.

Claire Daines and Julia Stiles, I get mixed up, which I think is fair.

Julia Claire?

It's Julia.

It's not Julia Roberts.

It's what's Sandra Bullard.

No, isn't it Julia Stiles?

Or Claire Danes?

Julia Stiles,

The Last Day.

Yeah, it is Julia Roberts.

Oh, it is.

Julia Roberts.

Oh.

Maybe I'm thinking of a different movie.

Damn, 34%?

Yeah, Catherine Watson is a recent UCLA graduate hired to teach art history at the prestigious all-female Wellesley College in 1953, determined to confront the outdated mores of society.

I hate mores, dude.

And the institution that they're doing.

Were there ever good mores?

Are there ever up-to-date mores?

Catherine inspires her traditional students, including Betty, Kirsten Dunce, and Joan, Julia Styles.

Thank you.

To challenge their.

I was on to something.

All right, well, Kirsten Dunst is also also the same person as

Julia Claire.

That's the reason I was confused.

Okay.

Well, no, sort of.

Because Claire Dane.

Because I said the name Julia.

No, man.

Julia

thought of a completely different person.

Julia Styles and Claire Daines are a lot alike.

And they, and you mix, you combine their name, and it makes up a name of a woman.

Oh, yeah.

Don't we have ads?

Yeah, yeah.

Do we have ads?

Well,

oh, yeah, we do.

But not for another three minutes.

No.

Oh, okay.

Can you suck?

You know what?

Why don't you let me handle

it?

Because we usually do it in the first 15.

Well, we only got one today.

Oh, okay.

One ad for every inch of penis that you have.

Mm-hmm.

You heard it, folks.

Nick agreed.

He has a one-inch dick.

That got him.

Doesn't mean I don't have other inches.

Yes, it does.

One total.

There's a guy in this movie called Hugh Dancy.

Yeah, I remember that guy.

Fucking all the girls.

He was like,

no, he was like one of those.

He was like...

Hugh Michael Horace Dancy.

He was like a Hugh Horace Dancy.

He was like a Hugh Grant style.

He's like a gay, okay.

You know who the guys are.

You know, gay guys.

You want to kiss guys.

Let's go back to laughing at his name.

Wait, I know who that is.

No, no, I mean,

can we, can you at least let us enjoy how gay his name is for two more minutes, man?

No, no, no, here we make it better because he's like

he rolls his criminal profile, Will Graham, Thomas Novicek in the stage play Venus, and as Adam Rocky in the film Adam.

So that's why.

That's why you know.

Adam saw his name in the title of the video.

I know all his eyes glossed over.

He started drooling.

He was like, me,

me.

I know all Adam stuff.

What other Adam stuff?

Dude, Adam Morrison, Charlotte Bobcats,

and Zaga University.

The film follows the relationship between a young man named Adam

with Asperger's.

He's about to cry to bed.

Wait, the movie's about a guy named Adam?

Yeah, who's retarded?

He has Asperger's in.

Oh, it's slightly retarded.

Just a touch of.

Yeah,

a pinch of retardation.

Just a hint.

Yeah, well, it looks like your daughter was born with sugar, spice, and a little too much of everything nice.

Fuck, she's retarded.

Everything nice, and then some stuff that's not that nice, also.

And And a little bit of ice.

She's got water on the brain.

Well, it seems that

did I already do the joke on the show about not watching the 700 Club anymore?

Because when I found out Pat Robertson hadn't fucked 700 women, yeah, you did.

I thought about that again the other day.

That's good.

How many women do you think Pat Robertson has fucked?

Three or four.

698.

He pitched the show in 1978.

Assuming he was like, he's like, look, I'm going to

tell you, fellas, I've fucked 693 women.

Just let me call it the 700 club.

They're like, I don't know, Pat.

I mean, it is a lie, and that goes against the church.

Jesus never rounds off.

Jesus doesn't, why not just be honest and call it the 693 Club?

It's like, you're saying you don't think I will fuck another woman in the entire run of the show.

Like, I'm sure you'll fuck one or two, but you would still be in the 693 club.

That's still the same.

You're still in the club.

They don't kick you out if you fuck them up.

Oh, that's true.

That is a valid point.

I just think 700 has

a better ring to it.

Well, we don't want to deceive people.

We're trying to get people to like Jesus Christ.

You don't start off with a lie and claim you fucked 700 women if you've only fucked 693.

If you're willing to lie about seven of them, what stops you from lying about 700 of them, Paul?

Where does the lie stop?

Where does it stop?

We're just trying to get as much pussy as possible in the name of the Lord

and teach people they can do the same by making empty gestures towards charities.

What?

Did he do some shit?

Did he like rape some people?

Pat?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you don't get to 700 on easy terms.

You don't say may I every time.

That's true.

You make a 700-egg omelet.

You're going to fucking break a few eggs.

Yeah, it's like when you consider that Bill Cosby probably had sex with thousands of women, 54 rapes is like,

who even cared?

Do you really think?

Just going to once again disagree with you on that point.

You can disagree on betthesi.com.

Bet, who's more right about rape this episode?

Is it Neko or Stavana?

Are they going to bring back those breakaway pants?

What happened to those?

Those are coming back.

Are they coming back?

They were too easy to rip off of people.

That's true.

Pants people.

Yeah.

Just rip some people.

That was awesome.

Rip someone's pants completely.

Epic pants because there were no more pants left.

Yeah, yeah.

That shit awesome.

Yeah, that was awesome.

And that's kind of what happens at betdsi.com when they pull your pants off.

You don't go with Stav's picks.

That's right.

That have always been right.

Just the most crucial picks in the podcasting game.

You go with Stav, and he'll fucking really hook it up for you.

Dude, I will.

What do we got this week?

Well, first of all, let me say this.

Tell some stuff.

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I'm a fucking idiot.

Yeah, I'm a fucking moron.

Yeah, they're like, that's okay.

That's actually not our fault.

We're glad you called in and we can make you feel better about being so fucking stupid.

And then I get mad again.

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Yeah, I get even by betting against the

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This is for in-game wagering?

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Let's start the show.

Let's start the the show.

Doggies.

Dude, saying all that dumb shit makes me want to replay fucking GoldenEye.

My God.

It's sitting right there.

Really?

In that box.

I got a note.

I got it for 64?

Yeah, I've had it.

Oh, you've had it.

Dicky GoldenEye, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm really liking that at it.

Huh?

What?

In real life, too?

Take the horse and stop riding his bag.

I'm riding my gay horse to suck dick, dude.

The dick sucking Express.

That shit was so much fun, dude.

That shit was funny.

Sucking GoldenEye?

Yeah, playing GoldenEye.

I was a PlayStation kid.

I would only have it on on Switchovers, and then I'd just get killed.

Yeah.

Playing it.

You didn't play as odd job.

And then I'd play as odd job, and they'd be like, You fucking cheating, Jew, and like, whatever.

You would play as odd job.

Do you recall that?

I didn't know that it was cheating.

Yeah, that makes absolute sense that you would be an odd job.

I always played with a sexual.

It's a smaller hitbox.

Is that what they're doing?

Yeah, he's harder to hit.

Yeah, well, it's a cheap piece of shit.

Well, it's a handicap against me not having the system and not playing.

No, no, I'm just absolutely.

I would always play as I think that guy that interrogates

Bond

when he's arrested in Russia.

The guy that's like, Victory!

What was it?

With the pen.

Yo, you know what was a great?

No, not Boris.

Boris, yeah.

Yeah.

Not Boris, the other guy.

The fucking, like, the inspector that arrests and interrogates Bond for a second.

I don't remember.

You don't remember GoldenEye?

I really don't.

That's one of like the top five movies.

My favorite Bond game.

It's a great movie.

And this is some off-brand shit.

It might be the best Bond movie now that I think about it.

The first Daniel Craig one was tight.

Yeah, Casino Royale.

That was great.

Is that the first one?

Moonraker is pretty tight, too.

About the Nazi that wants to make a white race on the moon.

Are there any perfect white movies?

Were any of the Pierce Brosnan ones good?

I like the Golden Express.

I started this off saying that Golden Eye.

Pierce Brosnan was in GoldenEye.

We've been talking about GoldenEye for.

And then the pun at the end about how he likes a tight squeeze or something.

Yeah.

Which I didn't.

I've always enjoyed a squeeze.

Dude, she is so fucking hot.

Fomka Jen?

She's fine.

She was so fucking hot.

She's really hot.

Hallie.

Hallie in her prime was a Bond girl, too.

She was looking good as hell.

Yeah.

Well, weren't there like seven of them in that movie?

I don't remember.

They had a challenge.

Seven chicks.

Yeah.

And the Hallie Berry one.

That's what.

That's.

Was The World Is Not Enough?

Maybe.

That's the Aston Marie.

I remember the one with Denise Richards, where her name is Christmas.

Yeah.

And he says Christmas only comes.

I guess Christmas comes.

Is that World Is Not Enough?

There's what are the there's Tomorrow Never Dies.

World is Not Enough.

Tomorrow Never Dies is about the pussy never sleeps.

It's about like the guy from.

Yeah, Tomorrow Never Dies is the one that's just about Gawker.

Right.

Yeah.

He's like making his own head.

That guy is literally Nick Dennis.

Yeah, yeah.

Just a gay British guy who just loves bad news.

There's nothing, gentlemen, there's nothing more than bad news.

Then we'll leak his brother's gay sex stick.

Mr.

Stryker, load up the video of Hulk Hogan having sex.

Fuck, dude.

Shut up.

I kind of want to watch GoldenEye.

I haven't seen anything.

Golden Eye is fucking sick, dude.

That movie's awesome.

I like James Swan movies.

Even though they're bad.

I mean, yeah, I used to just, I would make soup and I would sit and watch because they had them all on Hulu.

I remember.

Remember how sick Hulu used to be?

It was like every Bond movie and every Criterion.

It was like the the best fucking streaming server.

Now, if you got King of the Hills, you can get Criterion titles on an app called

Kayak.

Canopy.

Canopy.

But you can only rent 10 a month, and like half the time you'll rent them, and then it doesn't play.

And it's like, sorry, this isn't available.

But you can only watch 10 a month?

Yeah.

Oh, I guess I haven't hit my limit, but I've used it a couple of times.

Yeah, yeah.

How much is it a month?

I watched

three days of the Condor last night.

Yeah, you just need a library card.

You need a library card.

Oh, shit.

I got one of them.

New York or New York

Can't be a Queen's library.

Yeah.

They're different.

The fuck.

Are they different library systems, yeah?

That's some little dick shit right there.

Do you have Brooklyn probably?

I think I probably do.

Oh, really?

Well, then, I guess it works with that.

I have a New York public library.

I'm going to give it a shot when I get home.

From when I was a Manhattan

guy.

Yeah.

I watched Three Days of the Condor last night.

It's a pretty cool movie.

Yeah.

I've never seen it before.

Old Robert Redford kidnapping a woman.

Nice.

Does he fuck her?

They fuck.

First night.

First night of the kidnapping.

I mean, he is handsome as you.

Consent.

He gets the consent.

He does get consent.

Probably because of the Stockholm syndrome.

She's so scared.

Well, one day, the Stockholm system can't really

fucking kick in yet.

Syndrome.

Depends how sexy you are.

Robert Redford is sexy.

He's a sexy man.

Yeah.

70s Redford.

Back in the day.

Yeah.

He was a good boy.

Wearing a tweed blazer.

Yeah,

you're fucking you in a tweed blazer.

He's like, old people are so fucking ugly and disgusting that when you see a picture of them before they were old, they're like, wow, you were so handsome.

And it's like, no, you're just used to them being old and disgusting.

Nah, Robert Redford was hot.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not talking about Robert Redford.

He looks good as well.

And old people in general.

Yeah, that's true.

Did you see All Is Lost?

No.

Where he plays the sailboat guy and it's like fucking, he gets like lost on the sailboat and then he just dies.

It's two hours of him just dying and stuff like that.

Whoa, that's fucked up.

That's one of those kind of movies.

Yeah, it's great.

Does he remember shit?

Or is it just him taking place on the boat?

It's just him on the boat.

Oh, so it's like a captain.

There's no reminiscing.

Yeah, the final scene is great.

Oh, sweet.

It looks like he's tried to do everything and he maintains his cool, and eventually he just dies.

But, like,

you know, it looks like he's being rescued, but it's just him dying.

Did you ever see Captain Phillips?

Spoiler.

I did.

That scene where he gets rescued and he realizes

he's been rescued and he starts crying.

I think it's really good acting.

acting.

I know, like, that's a consensus.

That's the consensus is that the last scene is

the only redeemable part of that.

Get off my ship.

Yeah, yeah, he's doing a Boston accent the whole time.

I think it's just sick the way those Navy SEALs kill those black guys.

Yeah, yeah.

Those fucking Somali pirates.

I was in the theater, like, yeah, tier one.

Woo!

Get it done, tier one.

I brought in a Ziploc bag filled with pollution

So I could coal roll the theater.

Tier one, baby.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't just flood the engine.

My car's outside otherwise.

Some guy came into the theater with a bunch of Ziploc bags filled with pollution.

And he kept making a

sound with his mouth while he opened the bags.

Slack smoke.

In a two-gallon zipper.

Those guys are the best.

Coal rollers?

Yeah, guys that's just like, my car does extra pollution.

Don't tell me what to do.

New York Times, hackers in Iran and China have stepped up their attacks in U.S.

businesses and agencies.

Experts say it's because of Trump.

Well, yeah, probably because of the

tariffs.

It's because of Trump.

It's Trump's fault.

Well, Trump did the tariffs.

Because Trump's a little weak motherfucker, dude.

Well, don't side with the other country that's like trying to attack you.

I'm not siding with anyone, but it makes sense that they'd be not happy about tariffs.

Oh, also, is anyone a fucking lawyer that can get me out of some traffic tickets?

How'd you get traffic tickets?

Just fucking driving.

Moving violations?

Some moving violations.

If anyone is a lawyer, please let me know.

Texting and driving, I got caught fucking using GPS on my phone.

And they're like, Yeah, that happens all the time.

It sucks.

I literally wasn't texting.

You get like a little stand.

I got a stand, too.

I was putting it in the fucking stand, and the guy was like, sorry, I don't give a fuck and it's five points on your license for texting and driving it's crazy i was literally using gps i don't i actually don't text and drive i'll use siri i'm one of those motherfuckers and i got the cop said he said literally that he doesn't give a shit he's like oh it was in your hand i don't care you're using gps

fucking assholes yeah how can you and it's always i got caught twice doing that it's five points on your license and then i got and then i and then some guy i think there's something wrong with my um

i think there's something wrong like with my insurance, and it comes up as like my license is expired, but it's not.

I fucking did it.

So yesterday I'm driving home and some guy's like, he, he, before he says anything, he's like, is your license expired?

Didn't ask, didn't tell me what it was pulling me over for.

And I was like, no, I have fucking, no, it's not.

And then it's like, and then he said I fucking ran a stop sign.

It's fucking bull.

And now if I, if that ticket goes through, my shit will get suspended.

Because texting the driving is five points.

It's fucking bullshit.

And running a stop sign, I guess, is three or some shit.

So, yeah, I might be fucked.

So, if anybody wants to help me navigate our criminal justice system that's stacked against the Greek man.

The straight white man.

The straight white man.

Please let me know.

I think cops didn't respect me because I don't have a tooth.

I think that's ableism.

Maybe I got a case.

A civil rights case.

Cops don't respect me because I don't have a foreskin.

Yep.

That did help me out.

I pulled my foreskin out out of somebody.

And there was like, oh, thank God.

Thank God.

So, yeah, if anyone is a fucking

lawyer, please, not a cop, a lawyer.

Please let me know.

Because I might be fucked.

My ass might be getting fucked.

Yeah.

They can, yeah.

If you know a lawyer, they can get it to reduce the parking tickets or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't you know lawyers, Adam?

What the fuck?

I know, I know, not like those kind of lawyers.

What kind of lawyers, man?

Just, you know, soft-palmed Jews.

don't they know anything richard kinds i read kinds of richard kinds my friend told me you may have some traffic tickets is this where the audition is

line

damn looks like my it's squaring up to be a nice day outside

yeah might go to the park you better get that glove out homeboy yeah dude i need to get my

spring's coming up spring is springing pitchers and catchers already reported dude we're like really they did And everyone knows.

Baseball's catching.

I'm not the catcher.

I do not catch.

I don't pitch either.

I'm doing neither of those things.

I'm

not

doing...

I'm whatever the straight thing is.

I'm coaching.

You're hitting the ball, I guess?

I don't know.

Hitting the ball would be like...

I guess...

I'm selling beer.

I'm receiving

the ball.

It's like you're defending the catcher's asshole.

It's like hitting a man's penis with a baseball bat so he doesn't fuck your friend's ass.

That's what being the batter is.

And that's what I do for friendship.

I defend people's asses with baseball bats.

Yeah.

From cocks flying at them.

98 miles an hour.

Randy Johnson.

That's me with a sword genu flecked in front of my friend's asshole.

When Randy Johnson killed the bird, it's still the coolest thing

to ever happen in any sport.

Yeah.

Exploded that motherfucker.

So sick.

He throws so fast, he exploded a bird.

So sick.

Yeah.

That should be a sport.

Bird exploding?

Well, yeah, throwing rocks at birds.

Like in the Olympics.

Imagine showing up to the Olympics being like, oh, my bad.

I thought this was a sport.

Just in the parking lot, just icing pigeons.

The Chinese delegation is like, oh,

China would absolutely be the best at that.

But they're also blood doping, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, they they get disqualified.

They keep eating the birds.

Yeah.

That is true.

I bet you pigeons are high in protein.

Yeah, they serve pigeon in like French fries.

There's a video Michael Rappaport posted of that Chinese woman in like fucking Columbus Park just like kidnapping a pigeon.

Oh my God.

That was fucking incredible.

She was being sneaky about that shit too.

Yeah, they know it's wrong.

I love Michael Rappaport because he just rides with the Jewish wigger thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, it's such an embarrassing way to do it.

Michael, you're 60, and he's like, yo, let's bring it back to the Kumo D.

K.

Obs Wood.

The five pillars of hip-hop.

Yeah, he rocks.

Michael Rappaport and Band Marchera, please come on.

What are the five pillars of hip-hop?

It's MC-ing, B-boying, which is dancing, graffiti.

This is like an original thought you had.

What do you mean, an original thought?

This is something I came up with, yeah.

The fifth pillar of hip-hop is

knowledge,

which is true.

Which was developed by Africa Bombada added it.

Anyways, we should have Petey back on the podcast

to do his bit.

Oh, right.

Turntablism, right?

Doesn't he say turntableism?

Beatboxing?

No, is no, that's not one.

But knowledge was developed by Africa Bombada, who it recently came out.

He's also one of the forefathers of hip-hop.

Recently came out molesting kids

the whole time.

No, but the point Nick is trying to make is that PDF.

Yeah, PD was mostly.

Pee Death was like verbatim making fun of an older guy hanging out, being like, when?

To our faces, like,

I think I wasn't on it.

It wasn't on the show.

This was something Petey said to us.

Oh, that's funny.

Maybe we had him on and had him repeat it.

I don't know.

No, I know.

It's just very funny.

We were like, yeah, I think we were out there.

I remember what it was.

We were making fun of a particular guy, bro.

And yeah, Petey was like, Yeah, you always see those old guys that are like, Yeah.

Listen up, son.

There's the five pillars of him.

Listen up, playboy.

Turntableism.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Turntableism.

Thinking about Petey saying it is so much funnier than Adam saying, yeah, yeah.

Than Adam repeating it without.

When did Petey say it?

Come on.

No, he didn't.

Tell me when he said it.

I mean, you just said, I remember exactly when.

And now it's like, no, I remember saying it with you when we were making fun of one particular old Jewish wigger.

Yeah, with

Petey was there.

Petey saying, I can imagine so crisply turntableism coming out of Petey's mouth.

Yeah.

There's no way.

Turntableism, B-boying.

You're forgetting about B-boying.

Yeah, no, he's like, he's like, the movies, he goes, all right, listen up.

There are five pillars of hip-hop.

He goes, graffiti.

Turntabling.

Yes, yes, dude.

No,

I 100% remember this happening.

Was it at the creek, even?

I don't know, but it was definitely Petey that fucking said

the five pillars of hip-hop thing and specifically making fun of like older Jewish wiggers.

I believe we were.

I'm past the point now where I would like call you out if you had like stolen this from TV or like an established comic, but Petey is like

our friend who deserves more respect than

do his fucking bits on the show.

I'm sure he's a member and doesn't give a fuck, but it is.

I agree with Nick.

We should have Petey back on.

Yeah, we should.

I'm texting him right now.

Don't.

Why?

What is this display?

I want to know.

Because I think you.

Yeah.

Hello, Petey.

This is your friend Adam.

I'm just wondering when you

explain the five pillars of hip-hop to us.

It was a special evening.

Oh, fuck.

What should I have for dinner later?

I'm trying to keep it clean.

Eric B.

Rock him.

I'm going to go to Costco, buy some fucking eggs and greens.

Yeah, I should eat some before heading to the

Los Jimas.

Is that what it is in Spanish?

Los Jimas.

Hymnacio.

Hymnacio.

Is it himcio?

I think it is.

I love that.

The gymnasium.

Shirami.

Hymnacio.

Hymnacio.

I was downstairs.

Another thing the Mexicans have stolen from the Greeks.

It's true.

The Greeks came up with the gym.

And queso fresco.

No, they got queso fresco.

That's all them.

The Greek quesadilla.

We don't have quesadillas.

We don't really melt cheese in our culture.

Yeah?

We don't.

Dude, what do you do?

Fuck it?

No.

What do you guys do?

You guys.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, you ever have that.

Shut up.

You fuck.

I forget what it's called, but it's like

juiced.

It's like Scandinavian cheese bread.

It's like similar to halloumi.

No.

Let me see if I can find it.

Halumi, you fucking grill.

Halumi is you fry, bro.

This shit you fry.

It's like Saganaki is that fried on fire cheese.

You ever have that shit?

Yeah, we had it in Melbourne.

Yes, yes, fuck.

That shit was so good.

That restaurant was so good, dude.

Yeah, really good.

Shouts out to the stalactites.

Yeah.

No joke, the best Greek food I've had outside of Greece, better than...

And I live in Astoria.

I love it.

I ride for it.

Melbourne fucking

was better.

Shouts out to Stalactites.

If you live in Melbourne, go have Greek food there.

What do we want?

Petey just texted me.

He said he didn't say it.

He did.

He just doesn't remember, dude.

He doesn't give a fuck.

Yeah, Lipa.

Pete's the kind of guy who is so funny, consistently comes up with things.

This shit, Lipa Giusto bread cheese.

No, I've never heard of it.

Finished squeaky cheese.

No.

It's, I don't know, traditionally made from a cow's bee stings.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Do they mean literally bee stings?

Yeah.

Bovine colostrum and sprayed.

Colostrum, her first milk is the first form of milk produced by the mammary glands of mammals.

Oh, like fresh titty milk.

Fresh titty milk.

Interesting.

Rich milk from a cow that is recently calved.

Reindeer, even goat milk can be used.

Okay.

Damn.

I'm trying to drink reindeer milk.

Maybe I'll grow those antlers.

Get some reindeer pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then drink its milk after you impregnate it.

Yeah.

Man, I want those antlers so bad.

I guess now I understand that, like, the depression after watching Avatar.

It's the depression I felt after imagining.

That was a movie about guys with antlers.

Imagining a version of me living in the woods with antlers.

Yep.

Eating berries.

I watched that Pine Barons episode of Sopranos again the other day, where Chris is like, fuck it, I'm going to eat these berries.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those fucking WAPs, they were there like seven hours, and they're like, fuck it, I'm going to eat these berries.

They're fucking poisonous.

I don't give a shit.

At least I'm not going to die hungry.

When fucking, like, Tony has to go find them and Bobby shows up wearing that, wearing like full camo.

That's right.

Yeah.

Well, he's a hunter.

Yeah, Bobby, Bobby is a hunter.

When does

Macola ever kill anybody?

He does.

In that episode, after they get in a fight at the lake house, he makes Bobby pop his cherry as like a means of retribution for kicking Tony's ass.

Wow.

They get in that fight when they're drunk.

When he's like,

until they're in the boardwalk, and he's like, Tone, that's my wife.

That's right.

He's like, Jane is sucking the cash.

You're in my children.

That's the a mother of my children.

And then he makes them go to Montreal to kill that,

to kill some guy that's late on his child support because they're doing a drug deal.

Montreal.

Yeah, anyways, this Lipa Giusto shit is fucking good.

Where'd you have it?

They sell it at like Whole Foods or like

if you go to like a like a wine and cheese shop, I've like found it in those places.

Okay.

But yeah, you cut it like in the basically like saltine-sized slices, and then you fry it in a pan.

Okay.

And you serve it with like raspberry preserve.

That sounds fucking good.

It's good as shit.

It tastes like a bit, like a very rich buttermilk pancake.

Oh, fuck.

Now you're speaking my language.

Yeah, it's somewhere in between cheese and like buttermilk pancake.

That's great.

Is it salty?

It's a little bit salty, sweet.

Yeah.

It's good.

When's the last time you guys had breakfast for dinner?

Every day.

All the time.

Really?

You make eggs sometimes?

Me and Stav actually have the same diet.

I just have a better metabolism

on account of being athletic.

You make omelette for dinner?

All the time.

So not.

I'm actually a better athlete.

No, you're not.

I have worse metabolism, but

actually, I have more quick twitch muscle poverty.

That's what I used to think.

You have more Nesquick muscle power.

Oh, no, I don't.

How's that for quick twitch?

Yeah, your brain is better, but my beautiful body.

Your brain is a muscle.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

It's an organ.

Everything is a muscle.

No.

No, it isn't.

I have no bones.

What did you say, Adam?

That's more than like eating ice cream for dinner.

When I was a kid, I was like, I'm going to have fucking pancakes and eggs for dinner every night.

We've made Adam's special dinner again

just for him.

The special boy.

I never got a choice.

Who gets his special dinner?

I never got a choice.

Every night.

Bless you.

Damn.

God bless you.

God bless you.

God bless you, everybody.

Having eggs, though, as a kid just means you're poor for dinner.

Or your parents are neglectful.

Oh, my God.

It goes both ways.

Or you go to IHOP and you can have breakfast for dinner.

We almost never went to IHOP.

Yeah, I didn't.

The first time I went to IHOP, I think I was like 19 years old.

Yeah, exactly.

I went with comedians, and I remember that was like, I was like, I love this lifestyle.

Yeah, right.

Go to an open mic and then, you know, be like, why are there two Gs in the N-word?

And my other like, white male friends laugh.

Yeah.

And then we would go to IHOP and be like, We're going to make it.

Yeah.

We're all going to make it.

It's like, yes, can I get the banana French Toast Supreme?

Which I earned by being a comedian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to go in high school, like, we'd get high and stuff and go to IHOP.

That was like the mood.

Damn nice, dude.

Bad guys.

That's so cool.

We'd smoke reefer.

Are you serious?

We'd smoke bong and then go.

Oh, it got so hot.

We'd rip bong.

And then we'd ask girls if they wanted to do shotguns, and they'd say no.

Yeah.

So you did it with each other.

So we did it with each other.

Vegas, also.

We used to go out into the middle of the desert and play

Vegas style.

That is actually cool.

I'm sure I can do that.

I was obsessed with the desert when I was a little kid.

Really?

Yeah, I always imagined.

It scared me.

I always imagined that I would move

to Nevada.

I would want to.

Really?

Yeah, I was obsessed with the desert.

I was always worried about Mirages because of cartoons.

Quicksand.

Yeah, quicksand and Mirage.

Quicksand, yeah.

I was worried that I was.

No, I thought they kept aliens out there.

I was like, I thought the desert was off.

We used to do that all the time because Vegas is like close to Area 51, so we'd all make up that we saw a UFO.

Dude, I saw a fucking UFO the other day.

It was probably from Area 51.

That was crazy.

That was all like one plane, like one test plane.

Yeah.

Whatever led up to the SR-71, they would just test that plane.

People are like, oh, that's aliens.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure it is, man.

What?

Fucking.

Did the government even fucking say that?

I mean, years later, but like it was like a military secret.

Fucking cheap.

It was a spy plane.

It was cheap.

Yeah, you motherfuckers believe that shit, huh?

What are you saying?

One plane, huh?

Fucking aliens.

How many planes?

Fucking aliens, bro.

Yeah,

they have like a Navy

in some kind of one of those

liquid states.

Yep.

Yes, exactly.

And they're like, their anatomy is very similar to ours.

But if you look closely, it looks like its penis has been sucked off.

And

there's actually mustache hairs around it.

There's terrible smelling mustache hairs around it.

And what looks like the sleeves from a Judas priest t-shirt

have been left.

Have been jammed into its ass.

Probably quickly removed in an act of passionate gay space set.

It's not technically gay.

And Ian pipes up after that.

How did this man get in here?

Hey, no, I'm just saying.

It's, you know, it's not gay.

What are you doing later?

I'm just kidding, you fucking asshole.

I'm just fucking kidding, ass.

Yeah, things have been really bad lately, man.

I fucking love you, man.

Yeah, he's great.

He fucking rules.

Come see us.

Just somehow 80 light years away.

Yep.

His thirst for long-ass bluecock is that severe.

Right.

It's never been explained how he got out there.

And I never want to know either.

Yeah.

Could you breathe on the that planet?

Don't they have the little things?

I don't remember.

Wasn't that the whole point of the avatars?

Is they put your brain in one of those creatures?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like an avatar.

Yeah.

Yeah, but like a week.

But is that just an avatar?

But is that just because it's cool to have one of those big-ass bodies or is it because of the human?

I think you actually can't exist on that planet.

Because don't they come through with like machine guns and shit or space guns and shit?

I never saw it.

Turns out I got H.I.

Navy.

Does anybody else have have that?

That's good.

Yo, who's going to another planet to have gay sex?

Where my buzz light queers at?

Fuck.

Salute to gay ass Ian.

Gay astronaut.

The famous Eldon Johns song, Gay Astronaut.

I'm a gay guy.

I'm going to

To have gay sex.

I'm a gay ass man.

Gay ass man.

I suck cocket man.

I suck cocket man.

Sucking on a dick because I'm gay.

Yes, if you want to see gay Ian in Delaware with me tomorrow Friday, come suck this dick.

Oh, fuck.

Should I buy an elliptical elliptical for my home?

Where are you going to put it?

I don't know.

My room.

How are you going to fit an elliptical in your room?

I'm going to turn it into a home gym, dude.

I'm telling you, Bowflex, dude.

Should I get a Bowflex?

Yeah.

Get a huge Bowflex that just breaks through the walls anytime you flex it.

Yeah.

Make a couple of

adjustments.

I'm double strong.

I'm lifting the weights and I'm busting the walls.

They still sell the Bowflex?

I'm sure they do.

Do you remember the Chuck Norris Total Gym?

Yeah.

Yes.

There was one ad for the Total Gym that had, like, I think Wesley Snipes.

He's like, as soon as I got the Total Gym, I threw out all my exercise equipment.

It's like, like you're lunching.

Just millions of dollars.

I had a home gym.

Yeah.

And I constructed it.

I threw it out.

Dude, I would love.

Have you ever seen Mark Wahlberg's home gym?

Insane.

I believe it.

Yeah.

There's like a whole boxing ring in there.

God damn.

Where is it?

In his garage or something?

No, no.

It's in like a whole fucking wing of the house, probably.

Oh, yeah, he's very rich.

Yeah, he can scratch up that speaker cat.

You love scratching.

It's part of your feline nature.

You know, I'm a dog.

You're not a dog.

I'm a dog.

No, you're not, dude.

You're actually.

You're like a ferret, honestly.

Yeah, kind of.

You're more like a hairless cat.

Hairless cat.

Yeah.

That's true.

I'm still just like coughing all the time.

There's nothing to spit up, even.

It just likes making the noise.

Yeah, that's true.

That is what you are.

Yeah.

No, man.

I'm a dolphin.

Sounds like a morbidly obese iguana.

No, I'm a fucking bulldog, dude.

No, you have no bulldog guana.

I'm a fat little bullhuan.

You're not resilient.

I am resilient.

No, you're not.

Uh-huh.

Bulldogs don't need like constant luxury and comfort.

They don't need it, but they like it.

No, they're just.

What about the French kind, dude?

They're workhorses.

I am a workhorse.

You are absolutely not a workhorse.

100%.

By any means.

You're a pug, if anything.

No, I'm not a big.

No, you're way more of a pug than a bulldog.

Whatever, dude.

You have breathing problems.

Bulldogs have breathing problems.

You are fucking

an atrocity in terms of genetic engineering.

But I'm curious.

So are bulldogs.

So are bulldogs.

Thank you.

No, Bulldogs actually used to fight bulls.

They used to,

but now they're like,

they can still do it.

I watched bulldogs.

They get hit by a fucking F-150 doing 35, and it was fine.

Like, they're not...

You did?

Yeah.

When?

One of my neighbors

in Austin.

We were were hanging out on the porch.

They had this little bulldog, and it got fucking creamed by a car.

That's what I am.

No, you weren't.

You're a hating ass.

You're a little bit walking.

And you're a hating ass.

No, I'm just being accurate here.

You're a French poodle, dude.

No.

Yes, you are.

Adam is a hairless cat.

You're a pug.

I am a man with antlers.

No, you're a French poodle.

I'm a different person.

You're French a gay little poodle?

Or the Italian greyhound?

That's what you are.

Fast.

Fastest dog in the world.

The Italian greyhound?

All muscle, dude.

No, that's a little gay.

Nail dog.

You're right, dude.

I'm whip it.

No, no, it's too skinny.

That's what I am, actually.

No, you're not.

You're a hairless cat.

we finished i'm not a hairless cat done you fucking dumb bitch you are not a dog even i'm a damn bulldog you're a pug i'm a whip

i'm gonna whip it with that disease where they get too strong no that's not a real disease yes you don't have it i have it and it's yes hold on french poodle i'm a rhodesian ridgeback because i'm from southern africa you're not from there man you're not from there not a toy poodle I'm not a poodle.

You are a poodle?

I'm absolutely not a poodle, dude.

Yes, you are, dude.

Because poodles are gay, but smart.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm giving you a compliment.

I'm giving you a compliment.

Yeah, fucking.

It's a compliment.

Just take the compliment, bro.

Yeah.

That is true.

We've talked about this before.

Here's me.

Here's me.

There's no chance.

That's me.

How are you going to say

that I am not a bulldog?

Oh, no.

I think I'm actually a beagle.

Come on, man.

I'm a beagle because I know I give shortened versions.

That's me again.

That's me.

That is so so not you.

I've never seen a dog be less you than that.

That was absolutely me.

I'm a beagle.

Here, God, that's me on my way to work.

No.

Dude, this is me if I've ever seen me.

That's not you.

Come on, you hater.

That's absolutely not you.

Bulldogs are weak and they die young.

I think that's actually like stuff.

They like die at like six.

Yeah, dude.

There we go.

Here's Stop.

Isn't that Stop?

Let me see.

No, that's not me.

That's you.

That's a different kind of fat guy.

You're a fatter version of the men in black.

Here comes, yeah, here comes Stop.

No.

There he is.

That guy's cool, but that's not me.

That's absolutely you.

No.

It's just a big fat pug.

I'm a fucking inverted penis.

And my penis is not inverted.

Here's Stop again, trying to figure out how to sit on the couch.

He can't do it.

Hey, those guys are pretty good.

I'm not mad at them, honestly, but they're just not me.

Literally, your posture right now.

Look at this.

He's trying to say that's not him.

It's not me.

I'm a bigger dog than that, dude.

No.

Look, I got nothing against the proud pug race of dogs.

You're a morbidly obese pug.

But I am a.

That guy's cute as shit.

That is.

Usually they're pretty ugly, but that is an adorable peacock.

You know what Nick is?

A peacock.

No.

I don't mind being a peacock.

Yeah.

They're majestic.

If we're doing birds now?

You're flashy.

Okay.

And then.

what?

You can't even fly.

And now we're in the bird category.

Can peacocks fly?

Yeah, they can.

Which one are you in a second?

After I figure out what you're talking about.

Oh, there are plenty of Jewish-looking birds.

Yeah, that's not going to be a thing.

They're the most Jewish-looking.

Stav is literally none of the birds.

Maybe a chicken.

No, Stav.

Stav is a factory farm chicken.

Shitting out eggs all day.

His beak

removed by the KFC corporation.

Stav is a woman.

His beak fell out eating his own wing.

Oh, damn, I would like to eat my own wing.

Yeah.

Damn, chicken wings are delicious.

Fat chicken.

Yeah,

these are both stop right there.

Damn, that's stop.

That's you.

What kind of bird is Adam?

I guess maybe like a hairless

birds have.

Ooh, owls, good.

No, owls.

I'm an owl.

I'm a great horned owl.

No, you're not.

And you're an owl.

You're not an owl.

I'm a great horned owl.

As long as we're doing birds.

I already decided.

No, you're a peacock, and you walk in the room.

You're like, look at me.

Look at these feathers.

You're gay.

You have feathers.

They make cool noises.

Peacocks?

Yeah.

Have you ever seen one in person?

They're terrifying.

Yeah.

They are weird.

They're so weak.

They're all over fucking Los Angeles.

They're scary.

They're all over L.A.

Here's me also.

You are a monkey.

Yeah, this hairless chimp.

I get to be that guy, too.

Damn, dude.

Yeah.

Look at that definition.

I know.

They're so ripped.

I'm a fucking ostrich, actually.

Yeah.

Are we doing types of monkeys?

Uncle Fat, the morbidly.

Oh, I love that guy.

That's an awesome monkey.

I am him.

No, no, no.

I'll show you exactly who you are, dude.

I know.

I'm Uncle Fat.

Fuck.

There's a picture.

We'll find you in a second.

This guy.

No.

Yeah, this is.

My face isn't that flat.

This is such good podcast content.

Looking at pictures and saying, this is you.

This is stop.

Damn, he's so fat.

Let me see.

He's a fat orangutan?

No, man, that's not me.

He's got nuts on his forehead.

He's just confused.

What the fuck is that thing?

That's you.

This shit is ugly.

It's just like an Irish ape, I guess.

Nick's a baboon.

I'm not a baboon.

Yeah, you are.

You fling your shit at people.

Yeah.

You got a little red ass.

You're very rude.

Yeah, yeah, man.

Slap car doors and stuff.

People are inside.

They're so rude.

Yeah.

Are they?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're from Mandrill.

No.

Here's Stav again.

I don't know why this guy is.

What is that thing?

Is that from Star Wars?

Yeah, it's the guy that plays keyboards and Java's bands.

I love that it's like a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

They listen to jazz.

And then, like, Jabba the Hutt basically has his own Rupert Pupkin late-night show.

He does, yeah, you're right.

He's doing bits.

Yeah, yeah, he's just doing his monologue.

My first guest is,

yeah, that blue guy is Kevin Eubanks.

Layla is Andy Richter.

Shout out to Kevin Eubanks again.

Was he ever in a band?

Yes, he was.

What band?

He was in the Beatles.

No.

Yes, he was.

Shut up.

I know he's done his own stuff.

The Beatles stole everything from a black man.

Hmm.

Kevin Eubanks band.

Where's that movie coming out?

He was a brothers dude.

Yeah, an Indian guy.

Yeah, it's like, what if everyone in the world forgot who the Beatles were and then some guy just gets to write all their songs?

That's a movie?

Yep.

Whose idea was that?

I don't know.

It's not a bad idea.

That everyone forgets the Beatles?

Yeah, everyone forgets the Beatles, and then one Indian guy is like, I've written all of their songs.

And then he gets famous and talked like that at all.

Well, I mean, yeah, he doesn't talk like that, but he looks like that, and it's a podcast.

You're right.

What am I supposed to do?

I'm trying to help the people at home.

You're right.

Look, here's Stav again.

Well, that guy's cool looking.

I like him.

It's just, this is just, oh, man.

Look at this.

That's Eldis.

Droopy McCool.

I've never even seen this Star Wars character.

He's like a dick and a pussy.

Yeah.

But he's morbidly obese and he wears shorts.

Yeah, why is he even clothed?

He's playing clarinet?

He's playing clarinet.

Yeah.

Did you know that Kevin Eubanks has taught at Rutgers University?

Damn.

And also the shout out to the Garden Stage.

The Banth School of Fine Arts in Canada.

The badass motherfucker.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

I think he just released his own albums.

Kevin Eubanks.

Yeah, he's never in a band.

How about Kevin YouTube?

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

His first album, Guitarist, was released in 1983.

Great now.

Sick of the Emperor.

I know.

I'm going to fucking pull that up.

Yeah.

what is this movie?

So, it's a guy, he's the only one that remembers the Beatles.

Yeah, something happens.

I don't remember.

I mean, it's gotta hurt.

Everyone remembers the Beatles at the end, or he's been in a coma the whole time.

I don't know.

It would be sick if there's never any kind of development beyond that.

And then he gets to fuck every girl in the world, and then the movie ends.

That would actually rule.

Yeah.

Here's the most.

Here's.

I actually, I found that the trailer for that because I was creeping on some

Kevin Eubanks

called Timeline.

Sick.

Go off, Kev.

This is kind of going off, honestly.

It's like Quincy Jones.

This is like.

Ooh, ooh.

East-West Time.

It's a pussy in your Lincoln.

Yeah.

This is fingering someone in a Kangal music.

Anyway, sorry.

I was just wanting to hear the dulcet tunes of Kevin Eubanks.

I am gay.

Damn, I'm sleepy.

Time for a nap, Nicholas.

Is it time for a nap?

I don't know.

Maybe.

What time did you wake up today?

I don't know, like 9.30, 10 o'clock.

Crack of dawn.

Yeah.

Early as shit.

I love waking up early.

I was going to go to bed early last night.

Then Seinfeld started playing.

Yeah.

And then Futurama started playing.

Wow.

And then Mulan started playing.

Wow.

So I went from going to bed at 10.

Three best movies I've ever done.

Like children's movies constantly.

I don't do it constantly.

Yeah, you're always like, oh, I watched Hercules and fucking Elmo ghost to the pit.

That was like

Ghost of the Pit.

That sounds like a good movie.

Number one, that sounds interesting.

Just me.

Doing acid.

Watching fucking

Bert Nerni learn the alphabet.

I don't know, man.

I was flipping around, and Mulan was on, and it was the

couple good songs in there.

You know what I'm saying?

Let's get down to that.

That one was plenty.

Hold on, I'm going to fucking change the channel when

it's business penis

to defeat

or to drink all his calm.

To drink all to drink his calm

Elton John

another

smashing success of Disney,

It's time to suck a man's penis.

Like that dumb spear thing.

So we can drink his gum.

And then like the fat guy, those two gay guys that are like the sidekicks in Milan.

Like, come on, we're trying to have gay sex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trying to keep up.

There's like a little Chinese fat guy.

Is that right?

No, he's a big fan of the child.

There's a big Chinese fat guy.

Then there's a little tough guy.

He's a little sort of.

Yeah, the Italian Chinese guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

it doesn't really make it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, we got to stop these freaking huns.

We want these huns out of our goddamn neighborhood.

Let's suck on a penis.

Suck a man's penis

so we can drink.

What's up?

What's up, baby girl?

You're the gayest man I've ever seen.

And I can bet when I fuck you.

What is it?

So, like, it's Little Mermaid, and instead of Under the Sea, it's getting HIV.

Okay.

Getting HIV.

Nothing feels better than when we're together.

Getting HIV.

Rotten John does it again.

Suck on my dick and please fuck my ass.

I am a gay guy.

I want.

I want

HIV.

Suck on your dick and fuck my asshole.

Eat my ass.

I am fucking gay.

I am gay.

I am gay.

I am gay.

I am gay.

Does Elton Jonathan's piano?

A bunch of Disney executives like quietly nodding their head and smiling.

Sir Elton.

Thank you, Elton.

Sir Elton, this is great music.

We love the tunes.

The music is great, Elton.

Richard Kynes, just like, this is going to be great for children.

They're like, why is he here?

He's like, I'm actually in control of everything.

I'm the guy behind all of it.

I'm the president of Judaism.

It would be so funny if I think I would write that way to write in Richard Kynes as Prime Minister of Israel.

Let's do it.

I support his candidacy.

Yeah, I mean, he should be on the flag.

Just replace the star of tape with a picture of his headshot.

Sucking my dick and fucking my asshole.

Licking my balls beat because I am gay.

Yeah, we're having a good time.

Sucking my dick.

What's another Disney song?

Kakuna Mikatado.

Didn't we do the best Princesses last episode?

We did.

Yeah,

we're just becoming BuzzFeed

on the next one, right?

I don't remember.

I guess it's on the next one.

I'm too stupid to remember.

We recorded some out of order.

Little peek behind the curtain, you little bitches.

Sucking my penis because I am gay.

Please fuck my ass.

Please fuck my ass because I am gay.

And I am horny for less.

Circle of life.

It's sucking off guys.

Sucking off guys

just because I'm gay.

Yeah, I don't remember

any other songs.

Said A Whole New World.

It's my whole needs.

Oh, yeah.

What does it need?

Girls, but it's trans girls.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

My whole needs, girls.

Please fuck my ass girls.

You're fat clips.

Please spread my ass cheeks.

Yeah.

And put your dick

inside of my ass because I am gay.

I'm fucking your asshole.

Well, the song Be Prepared from The Lion King, the Scar.

It's just about prep.

Yeah, it's just about prep.

I don't remember that song.

Be prepared

for barebacking

for rough gay sex.

Fucking never had over it.

Remember this, the big fat guy that recorded

Over the Rainbow?

Yeah.

Israel Kamakua.

My mom used to cry when I was a little kid because of how fat he was.

She's like, that sweet man is so fat.

My dick is small.

That's a good one.

I've never fucked a woman.

Oh, well, I already texted the group, but can you suck with all the colors of my dick?

Oh, yeah.

That's good.

That one was getting me good the other day.

Can you suck with all the the colors of my dick?

What song is that?

Colors of the wind.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Pocahontas.

Pocahontas.

I remember that one.

Can you paint the inside of my ass with cards?

Can you fuck me in the ass?

You promised.

Can you suck with all the colors of my dick?

That's a good one.

We're just in the zone right now, boys.

You've got a friend in me.

This is some come town gold you've got a friend in me you've got a friend

you've given me a chance

you gave me age of me

you've got a friend in me is basically that's already done i think yeah well i mean all of these songs were just designed to trick children into being gay listen to the gay agenda

yeah

um

sucking my dick

i mean it's it is funny that like it's an entire generation raised on disney stuff and then half of them are like, we're girls.

What are the numbers on people that are true?

It's not that many.

I don't know.

If you're in

53%,

even in the Italian neighborhoods.

Right.

I don't know.

I go around town and it's like, you know, I'll see a guy getting his mail on Tuesday and then Thursday.

It's like, oh, I guess that's Mrs.

John now.

Yeah.

No, it's most people.

It's most people who trans.

I think, yeah, it's most people who are trans.

Okay.

If we're being honest with ourselves.

51%.

If we're telling the truth.

Please tell the truth.

Please don't lie to me.

Suck my dick.

Suck my dick.

I am

gay.

I am gay.

I

fuck ass.

Please fuck my ass.

Suck your dick.

That was an early one.

That was back when

we first moved to New York.

We go around doing.

Ah, beautiful times.

What's up, Cat?

What are you looking at like that?

I'm trying to think of Disney songs still.

I can't literally remember anything.

I don't remember anymore.

I know Mulan.

Oh, never had a friend like me, Robin Williams.

What's that one?

Never had a friend drink pee.

I don't remember.

Never had a friend like this, the genie song.

Never had a friend like me.

I don't remember that.

Yeah.

The genie song.

Does that allow him to talk in sort of black?

Yeah.

Black scent.

What's up, brothers?

Cool, cats.

Yeah, he does do Black Scent in that song.

Yeah.

Come to think of it.

Is that where they got Will Smith?

Yeah, because Genie was supposed to be black the whole time.

Yeah.

Until I think Joe asked.

Probably they should redo Aladdin and use nothing but Arabs that barely speak English.

If you want to talk about representation, that would be completely fair.

Right.

And Scar, or not Scar, what's his name?

Jafar.

Right.

And to win over the princess, Aladdin rapes her.

No, no, no.

the princess's dad per the dating customs

but my understanding of what the original story was

yeah in the original book in the original book Aladdin

by but Disney's Aladdin yeah which was written by

Hans Christian and Sir Muhammad himself

I believe yeah I believe that is the Quran right yeah the Quranic tale of Aladdin It's just a story about the Quran about...

And there's a parrot that sounds like Gilbert Godfrey.

And he's got a little monkey that dresses the same as him.

And they steal things in the bazaar.

That sounds good.

That sounds good and very hood.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, we should go.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to take a nap here.

I'm going to go to Costco.

The gym.

All right, boys.

Bye.

We did it again.

Goodbye, everyone.

Come see me in Delaware this weekend.

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