Ep. 144 – my girl

I was sipping my latte when my friend gasped.

Her phone had just alerted her to a data breach.

Again, that's when I told her about Cape.

It's not just another app, it's a mobile carrier built to protect your privacy.

No name, no address, no data collected.

Cape offers premium nationwide service for $99 a month.

First month, just $30.

Use code CAPE33 and get 33% off your first six months.

She signed up that afternoon.

And now, no more gasps.

Go to Cape.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

I cannot wait for you to check out my pen.

Hey, bitch.

Bitch, look at my cock.

Hey, bitch, why don't you check out my bows?

Why don't you check out my bows?

Let's go to Blockbuster and maybe check out my movie called My Balls and Bit.

That's right.

Mr.

and Mrs.

Melestrios, your son,

told one of the girls at school to go to Blockbuster, I quote, go to Blockbuster and check out a movie called His Balls.

How does he even know about Blockbuster?

He's been gone.

This is a period piece, Adam.

Oh.

This was in the 90s.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, are you on the writing staff?

I thought I was.

We're introducing a new segment

for Adam where he reads us the weather for the week.

Yep, I got that under.

What do we have, Adam?

What's the weather coming up?

Adam's weather corner.

Uh, all right, so we got an exciting week of weather coming up in the New York area.

Uh-huh.

Um we got Thursday forty-one degrees.

Dude.

Oh, wow.

Are you kidding?

Friday, forty-one degrees.

Again?

Saturday, forty-two degrees with a little snowflake symbol.

Uh-oh.

Wait, is it supposed to snow though?

The the the fucking sign on the road said winter weather today

and tomorrow.

I think it's I think it might

I would love a nice snow day

yeah nice day off work yeah

just make a chili all goddamn day

I cannot wait for a fucking snow day I'm making a chili dude I love chili I love crafting a chili overnight

slow roasting the meats although you know what I'll probably do chicken chili because I'm I am I'm watching my chicken.

That's right.

I'm signed up on MyFitnessPal.

Keeping it under 2,000 calories.

Yep.

You got an Apple Watch to track your.

I don't.

Track your mouth.

I don't believe in exercise.

Abs are made in the kitchen, Adam.

Everyone knows that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I agree.

So I will not be exercising ever as a result.

That's what I take from that saying, abs are made in the kitchen.

You got to eat as much as possible.

You have to eat it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because the stronger my stomach.

You know how fucking distended my stomach gets?

That's like, that's maxing out on a rep is when you fill your stomach completely,

but then you have to empty it, which most people don't do.

And that's taking a very big shit.

Well, that's the most Adam's weather form.

Yeah,

I enjoyed just getting the opportunity to do the weather.

It's been a lifelong dream of mine.

It's been a big part of the show.

I did always like when a radio show had a guy who was the newsman.

And ostensibly, he was not to talk the rest of the time, but he would always chime in.

And then every once in a while, he would say the stories of the day.

Yeah.

What do you talk?

Give me a shot.

Like, for example, a classic example for big Baltimore heads, Baltimore morning radio heads, is Josh Spiegel.

Okay.

Who has survived many incarnations of that morning show

as the news guy.

All right, Josh.

Yeah, yeah, he goes to the.

What's going on in the news?

I think he started even before whatever Mickey, whatever the show was.

Whatever the show Mickey was.

Yeah, even before Mickey and Amelia, I think Spiegel popped up.

I don't remember anything prior to Mickey and Amelia.

Because when I was a kid, I would listen

exclusively to HFS.

That was like the.

Did you guys get Howard Stern in Baltimore?

No.

He wasn't on any stage.

No, I don't think so, dude.

Yeah, no, the only way I knew of Howard Stern was from the movie Private Bar.

Exactly, which I never saw.

Me neither.

And then that show that was.

We got it on the rock stations.

Yes, yes.

Of course.

We've talked about this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I definitely feed off to the censored Sibian rides.

Which is crazy if they censored shit, but they still just showed bitches on a Sibian coming.

Because really the face is.

Yeah, that's all you need.

The fuck.

Yeah, Morning Radio, we were left to the locals.

That's why I spent a lot of time with the junkies.

Yeah.

You know, you remember those guys?

They would say donkey.

They would call people donkeys, and they would say hearting or hurting or some fucking bullshit.

I don't remember that.

I barely remember HFS.

I remember morning.

I remember

Johnny Riggs was the HFS DJ.

It's so funny how you just become a guy that's 30.

We're all officially 30 now.

Yeah, I know.

The baby, me, has finally turned club.

But like reminiscing on.

I remember I used to listen to some radio station in Austin and it would come on and I'd like be on my commute to work and like the one of the guys from Butthole Surfers was the DJ.

Whoa.

My man cashed in, got the corporate job.

Yeah, and I remember like numerous times he would find a way to bring up that he was in Butthole Surfers.

And maybe that was a one-off.

I just remember hearing that and being like, wow, this is what the Butthole Surfers guy.

I mean, I guess it could be worse.

It could be working at a radio shack.

It could be Blake.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, no, Johnny Riggs got caught with a bunch of child pornography.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, there's always scandals with those guys.

There's another guy, I think, Stash.

Every day.

Yeah, every day.

He wasn't a child pornography guy, but he liked that's how he got the name Stash,

and you could go either way with that.

It could be mustache or it could be a stash of child pornography, yeah,

yeah, but yeah, he was we're jerking off the child pornography.

What up, you're listening to me, every cache on the morning

cachet?

Because I've got a secret

secret storage facility under my bed that's filled with pictures that go back to the 1970s.

Grown men, accountants, lawyers, I got them as children jerking on.

Right.

So if the child in a child pornography is now an adult, legal baby, then it's legal.

Your honor, this man has a mustache and a family now.

I should be fine looking at pictures of his uncle sucking him off.

If we find out that those kids in those pictures ended up being Trump supporters,

thank you wearing a MAGA hat.

Yeah, maybe you deserve it.

You deserve to be

rather negatively abuses a child than me chatting off.

Spread that MAGA hole.

I've been watching a lot of Ellen Page videos,

and she's really convinced me.

Oh, dude.

Listen,

we've said it many times, or maybe we haven't, but we'll pay good money for videos of the boys in Covington getting raped.

Yeah.

If you have a video of

his face one way or the other, Ellen Page right now is

by having him be have an adult have sex with him.

That's right.

Against his will.

Yeah.

Still smiling, fucking, what's his name?

Joker Man or some shit.

Yeah, Joker Man.

It's something stupid.

Oh, Slender Man.

Yeah.

Slender Man?

Yeah, Nick's Slender Man.

It's a dumb name.

What is the Slender Man?

It's like a tween thing.

They're like

12-year-olds believe in like a skinny man that lives.

Yeah, that kills you with his fingers or something.

Oh, I guess we should say, uh, I'm ready to get my Bernie bro shit fired back up.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, you're a girl out there, you don't like Bernie Sanders?

Guess who's gonna hold you down and rape you?

Me,

the burn dog.

Yep, I'm gonna be.

We did get a letter from Bernie.

It's like Hogwarts.

Please stop telling people that you're gonna rape them on my behalf.

Yeah, if I see a woman running her mouth about Bernie, I'll just fucking

redden her.

I'll say this right now.

I'm going to do as much as I possibly can to not pay attention to this election.

I probably won't vote, but

Come Town gives a full-throated endorsement, a full, deep-throated endorsement

of Bernie Sanders.

Absolutely.

We do not like his policies.

We don't know what they are.

He seems to be the candidate that stays in the middle of the morning.

Look, I'm a one-issue voter.

There's one thing I like.

And he's made it clear

what he's only care.

He only cares about white men.

I mean, he said numerous times, there's no such thing as the black working class.

They do not exist.

He said that.

He said that verbatim.

I don't care about these people.

I mean, and like, you know, Hillary Voters proved in 2016 that there's no such thing as minorities that embrace any kind of socialist policies, that these are things that only white guys.

Only rich white guys care about.

Rich white men.

Yeah.

And like, that really appeals to me.

The fact that there's that there's zero, you know, people like AOC are Russian plants, obviously.

100% real.

Yes.

And just fake.

She's also a white man.

She's a white man.

She's a white man.

Wearing a titty costume.

They got, yeah.

Oh, and let me tell you, they got their money's worth on the titty part of that.

As a woman, I can tell you, looking at AOC, there's no way that that woman has better breasts than me.

That's not a real woman.

There's no way anyone has juicier tits than me.

A woman that votes for Hillary.

A woman

fucking

relief pitcher's haircut.

These bras, you know, they're complaining about our man Bernie Sanders, right?

And then they just talk about how tired they are.

Yeah.

Because that's really the goal is that we want to get them all sleepy.

Tuckered out.

Tuckered out.

So that's the glass ceiling intact.

So that they can't smash through the glass ceiling.

We're just trying to make every woman in this country.

Glass ceiling, how about this?

Why don't we start working with with glass floors, right?

Women to the top positions in business.

You put a glass floor in there, we can see their pussies.

I love that.

From the bailout.

Okay.

I like that.

We got boss bitch up there barking rules and everybody.

Guess what?

I can see your pussy.

I'm looking at your labia.

I can see your entire vagina.

Yep.

And asshole.

And we're beating off that.

We'd like to invite every Hillary supporter to one of those cruises with a glass-bottom boat, and we will be scuba diving

in shark coffee office.

Dressed like street sharks.

I got roller skates on.

I'm drowning.

You can watch the bubbles are leaving my body as I beat off.

And I'm like, trip,

bitch.

Trip, maid, blue bitch.

Bring it.

Bernie, bitch.

Honestly, I hope that like Kamala and all these fucking losers drop out and Hillary gets back in there.

Yep.

And we could just play it out again.

Hillary versus Bernie.

It's going to be awesome.

I kind of miss it.

It was those were no, isn't

Biden about to get in the mix?

Which is awesome.

Yeah.

I love every picture of Biden feeling titties and shit.

Yeah, he's like, there's so many pictures of him molesting people constantly.

Well, it's just so funny.

It's like, because then if it's Biden, it's not even like a fucking white guy thing anymore with Bernie.

It's just, they they just have like some pathological hatred of bernie sanders

which can only be one of two things it's like you don't you think socialism is bad yeah or you're an anti-semite those are like the only two options left yeah because biden's old as fuck right and his son

raised brain cancer so he's got like got a weak mind he's got those bad genes yeah bad genes he passed them on yeah that's right I mean, yeah, Biden is truly a piece of it.

I like that.

Everybody talks about what a hero John McCain is and how tough he was for going to a PDOW camp.

And then he's like, I have a headache.

I can't do my job anymore.

My head hurts.

Wow.

Right.

Wow.

My head hurts too much to beat Senator.

Oh, really?

Yeah, grow the fuck up, you fucking bitch.

Dude, how old is he and he's still not grown up?

Yep.

Well, yeah, he's dead.

Yeah, he's dead.

I'm glad.

Hey, rest in peace.

All right, Pete.

To a soldier.

To a fucking

real soldier.

A S-O-U-L.

A real no-limit.

As you know, 85% of our listeners are first responders.

What was that pop?

I don't know, some stupid shit.

85%.

Those numbers.

85%.

Number one, there's a way to track that.

And number analytics

are 85%.

As you know, 85% of our listeners are military first responders.

I think he said, yeah, he said military or first responders.

That's such a ridiculous claim.

I know.

I love it.

But, yeah, I can't wait for politics, man.

I'm about to get my.

I want Corey Booker.

Does Corey Booker really fuck

guys?

No, no, no.

Oh, yeah, probably.

Yeah, he's gay.

But he was rumored to date that hot-ass woman with the big-ass titties.

Who, Aaron Rodgers?

No, no, no, no, no.

Who are you talking about?

Oh, fuck.

She's got like a big mouth, big teeth.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Rosaria Dawson.

Rosaria Dawson.

Yeah, yeah.

She was dating Eric Andres, dude.

Yeah.

Rosaria Dawson.

She's so hot.

I saw a picture of her like a year ago.

Maybe it was like two years ago or whatever.

And I was just like looking at it.

And like, I guess I haven't seen Rosaria Dawson since she was in like Rent, maybe.

Yeah.

And

she was in Rent?

Introduced to her in Spike Lee's 25th Hour.

I was introduced to her, I don't remember where, but I was very well introduced to to her in the stills from Alexander, where you can see her titties.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

Oh, yeah, brother.

With Colin Farrell?

Oh, yeah.

And Greeks were real mad because they made Alexander sort of gay.

He was gay.

He was definitely gay.

But I think he just sucked and fucked everyone.

Yeah, we're all gay as shit.

Wait, what were you saying?

You saw a picture of her a year ago and she looked good, Nick?

Oh, no.

I just, like...

Quietly remarked, like, oh, she's gotten old.

She's not hot anymore.

No, she's no, she's hot.

Well, I just said that.

It was a bad picture or whatever.

Have you ever,

you know, that monologue from 25th Hour where the guys.

I don't think you're going to be able to do it.

Yeah, yeah, no, go ahead.

The monologue from.

He was clearly speaking.

No, no, it's all right.

You said and.

It's not going anywhere.

He was just saying how he thought she was ugly and then he realized she's still hot.

Well, that's a 25th thing.

No, no, that's not where it was going.

But you go ahead.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

No, never mind.

I don't care to tell the story.

Well, you go to your thing.

Did you go back to your thing?

Hold on.

I'm trying to find this thing somebody sent.

It's not a picture.

Okay, well.

It's not a a picture.

I'm trying to find this Ellen Page article.

What's that guy's name?

Is it Elijah?

Elijah Dushku?

No.

Elijah Wood?

No, from Twitter.

Microsoft Incel.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Is he, did he get banned again?

He's banned for posting child pornography.

You're having

yet another.

Eli, you got to stop doing that, my man.

Eli, yeah, Eli.

Did he get banned?

Mike Shane.

Yeah, he always is.

One of our famous famous pedophile fan.

As you know, 85.

Shout out to Pedophile Eli for sending me this article.

At Microsoft Incel.

At Microsoft Incel.

He is a pedophile.

Aka Pedophile Eli.

I think his ad is different.

Well, whatever it is, find the guy who he used to be at Microsoft Incel.

That guy, whatever he is now, he's a pedophile.

Oh, I also want to say shout out to the cumboy

who gave me

acid on my birthday.

You really came through in the clutch.

I kept making.

Shout out to the guy that gave Stavass on his birthday.

That juicy butthole felt so good on my cock.

He wanted me to say that one of his friends.

That was a cool move by Eldis to have his birthday party at a crowded bar, so everyone thought he was cool.

Oh, so it's like,

oh, all these people are here to see Eldis.

Yeah, they were.

They weren't.

No one was there.

Eldis was the bell of the ball.

That was a great plug.

Hey, that was a fun time.

Eldis' debut.

We looked cute.

His spring debut.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck.

Where the fuck is it?

I want to.

He also wanted me to say one of his friends was gay.

Yeah, they all want that.

But you can't give them what they want.

I do, though.

Because then they keep coming back.

No, he came through in the fucking clutch, dude.

That's why I don't give homeless people money.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Because then they're just going to keep coming back saying, ooh, can I, you know, can I have more money?

Can I hang out with you and your girlfriend?

Oh, yeah.

Has that happened to you?

Yeah.

And did you hang out with the homeless guy?

Give a bum a dollar.

And what what else do you make them do?

What do you mean?

For the money.

Well, obviously you have to make them do

a little dance.

Sort of a tap dancing routine.

Oh, Sam is a is a fag, I would like to say.

Yeah, Sam.

Sam who.

That's just what the guy who gave me acid told me to say.

Oh.

That's your payment.

Saying Sam.

Susan's got a pedophile mic?

Yeah, pedophile Jimmy.

All our fans.

No, 85% of our fans are first responder, pedophile.

USMC pedophile, first responder.

85% of our fans are military first graders.

They're either tier one operators or six years old.

Oh, fuck.

Should we fucking enlist?

Yeah.

I'll enlist, dude.

Dude, I just watched Sicario.

What's the oldest?

You just watched Sicario?

Sicario.

And I was like, damn, maybe I should be on a fucking illegal ass fucking black ops squad.

Dude, I would love to.

I would love to be fucking Josh Brawlin in that movie.

Dude, he rules.

Just a complete CEA?

Yeah, 100%.

DEA or CIA?

CIA.

They're CIA?

Well, no, it's about an FBI agent.

FX broadcast caught in a task force.

Now, see,

you don't really know too much about the intelligence community.

Oh, I know.

I'm just a stupid person.

You would not.

I know all about intelligence.

I know a lot about the day of the science.

How funny is that that the FBI goes around calling themselves the intelligence committee?

That does rule, actually.

I never considered that.

We're part of a program called SNOE.

It stands for the smartest

snow program.

Snow protocol.

Smartest,

anyways, you know what it's doing.

On earth.

Yeah, we were all pretty fucked up when we came up with that one.

You can email me at agentjohnson at snoe.fbi.gov.

The intelligence community.

The intelligence community.

Yeah, it's a beautiful day here in the intelligence community.

Half of them are just like trying to,

you know, pretend to be the little girls in chat rooms, right?

So they can

hard-working pedophiles.

Is that

pedophile Eli?

They arrest a lot of retarded Muslims

and send them to Gitmo.

Mostly Gitmo is like just a puzzle room.

Mostly it's just like blocks.

Didn't they sort of harass some Muslim guys after 9-11 that were like straight up

65 IQ?

Yeah.

They tricked a guy into like fake doing a terrorist attack.

And then they arrested him for doing a terrorist attack.

That's actually a pretty football move.

I got to salute that move, honestly.

No, there was a handful of them that were like

borderline entrapment.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But I don't know if any of them have been like determined to be entrapment by the courts.

No, they got away with it all.

Yeah.

That's whatever.

It's a fucked-up world.

After watching Sicario, I realized it's a fucked-up world out there.

Yeah.

Who's the good guys?

Who's the bad guys?

Who's the bad guys?

The ending of Sicario is great, though.

It really fucked up.

That he's just some other fucking

drug dealer or whatever.

And then he's just getting revenge.

He's a hitman who wants revenge.

CIA is like, yeah, we can use this to our man.

Yeah, that's fine.

I can't wait for this.

I haven't seen the second one.

It's out on it.

I heard it's bad.

It's been out for a year.

The day of the Soldado.

It's not bad, Adam.

Shut the fuck up.

I heard the second one.

Shut the fuck up.

I didn't see it.

I didn't see it.

Don't say it's bad.

I said I heard it's bad.

Well, you're fucking bringing negative energy into this fucking podcast.

I could go into every movie thinking it's bad, and then I could be pleasantly surprised.

No.

Apparently, they had to remove the want to see meter from the new Captain Marvel movie.

Oh, yeah, because everyone's mad it's a woman.

Well,

from what I've read, is that they're mad that she has bad feet.

Really?

Yeah, just gross looking.

Does Bree

has bad feet?

According to what I've heard.

Brie, if you're out there, I'll suck your toes.

Dasha hates her.

Why?

She hates her.

Why?

Apparently, she's a big cunt.

So, what?

This bitch is just going to be named after cheese?

Bree, yeah.

That is a good point.

She had a big, like, anti-groping

thing thing under Me Too against sound guys that put on your like actresses' laugh mics.

Shut up.

She's like, yeah, they graze.

They graze.

Hey, that's part of the job, baby.

That's one of the perks of the gig.

She had another thing about getting hit on by a TSA agent, like a tweet or something.

She's like,

you're just shitting on peasants.

Dude, so many of the guys at MSG would cut my nuts, and I didn't say anything.

I am the voice of the peasants.

Yeah.

Me and Bernard.

Yeah, that's another thing that those dumb bitches do.

They call him Bernard Sanders.

Like, that's supposed to be a fucking insult.

Yeah.

Sounds cool.

He sounds black.

Yeah, it's like calling Barack Obama Barry.

Yeah, that sounds tight.

Yeah.

Barry Obama sounds like he plays a business.

How about we start calling Barry Weiss Barack Weiss?

Barack Hussein Weiss.

Yeah,

I saw a dumb tweet from

somebody that was like about Bobby Jindahl or whatever.

It's like, all the people that get mad about Barack Hussein Obama are probably going to be pretty pleased about pre-yush Bobby Jindal or whatever.

It's like.

You understand the point of the Barack Hussein Obama thing is that it sounds like Saddam Hussein.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It sounds like

it's a foreign name.

Fucking idiot.

It's like, whatever dumb point you're trying to make, you just expose your own racism.

I know.

That was so funny when they thought he was the future of the Republican Party and then he opened his mouth and he just sounded like

he sounded like Kenneth from 30 right now.

He really does.

He sounds like a man that's never gotten pussy in a day in his life.

Hi, how's it going?

Imagine how poorly Bobby Jindal fucks, dude.

He's so little and skinny.

Yeah.

He's probably got bad dick game.

Yeah.

He's got a high-pitched voice.

You don't want to hear that motherfucker whispering in your ear.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

You know he wore suits to school, to high school.

100%.

He was the suit kid.

With a clear roller back.

You know what would be a cool combo?

Suit kid, but also a kid who pulls his pants all the way down.

That would be awesome.

Who fully removes his suit to become naked?

Yeah, he puts it on a hanger and takes a piss at a urinal.

His butt has naked.

That would be good.

Miles, why are they laughing at you?

Did you take your suit off again?

No.

Yes, he did.

It gets wrinkly.

I wanted to get wrinkles before speech, the big speech tournament.

The big speech tournament.

That guy's in speech, dude.

Is he?

Of course he is.

Did you see this article about how

Bill Hicks is canceled?

Yeah, that's all.

Yeah, I sense it.

It really makes sense

to cancel him.

But if you read the article, it's weird.

It's the Guardian interviewing like open micers in London.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then they don't even make a point about how he's misogynist.

It's like, yeah, he does yelling and stuff.

It's like toxic.

Yeah, they actually were way like it's the way like this is pretty good.

Yeah.

He says some stuff that doesn't hold

because yelling is like rape.

Yeah.

If you think about it.

If you really think about it, it's almost like he's right in you.

He writes his voice.

It's almost right.

He's betting you over and putting a gun in your pussy.

If you really think about it.

That is sick.

Yeah, that already is ruled.

And especially to drop it on the 25th anniversary of his death.

I know.

No, that was awesome.

That's sick.

Drag him.

Yeah.

No, it's great, dude.

I want more of this shit.

I want it to get to a point where it's like,

every comedian except Nanette is bad.

I don't even want it to be Nanette is good.

I want We Hate Everybody But Nanette.

Dead or alive.

Yeah.

Nanette's coming through with the follow-up, dude, apparently.

She got Nanette too?

Nanette too.

It's called like Fred or something.

It's called Turtles in Time.

Secret of the University.

Hell yeah, dude.

Teenage Nanette Ninja Turtles.

His name's something Michelangelo, he was raped.

Donatello, he was also raped.

Leonardo is the one that's a little bit more chill, but he was also raped.

Teenage Nanette, Ninja Turtles.

Teenage Nanette, Ninja Turtles.

Teenage Nanet, Ninja Turtles.

Turtles.

I was raped.

Turtle power.

Turtle being raped.

Yo, you think Splinter raped the turtles, dude?

Did he?

Child molested them.

Splinter was a Japanese man trapped in a rat's box.

Yeah, yeah.

Because of sorcery or something.

Or was it comicals?

No, no, no.

Splinter.

And I didn't watch.

I mean, I watched the the show.

You know what?

You remember the movie?

He was the pet of a samurai.

Oh, yes.

And then he trained.

He watched him and did all the movies.

Shredder.

Yeah, Shredder killed his master or whatever.

And then he became big from Slime.

Remember the movie starts with a little rat?

I really do.

Now that you're talking about it,

that is cute.

I literally seeing it exactly like

a little cage, and he's doing

my mascot.

Yeah.

Who's the hockey mask guy?

What hockey?

Oh, Casey Jones.

Casey Jones.

Yeah.

And he gets some pussy off April.

Played by Greek actor.

That's right.

Elias, what's his name?

I don't know.

I don't know, but it's a point of pride.

Yeah.

A great point of pride for the community.

He's one of the top five.

Well, it was funny because it's like he did that movie.

And I think right after that, he went completely bald.

Yeah.

And it was like, well, that's the end of you.

Yeah, it really was.

And it literally was.

He was a fucking activist.

That's why Billy Zayn is a genius.

100%.

Because he started going slightly bald and he just shaved his head completely.

He's like, Yeah, give me a wig.

Wigs, I'm hot.

Just put a wig on me.

I'm beautiful.

Give me a wig.

Yeah, just let me wear wigs.

Should I just get a wig?

Yeah.

You should.

A Billy Zayn wig.

People are going to be like, is that Billie Zane?

After I do John Wink for Halloween, I'm going to do Billy Zayn.

Honestly, Titanic would make way more sense if someone who looked like you played the husband.

That's true.

It's like he's a rich guy.

Why is she cheating?

He's hands-on and smart.

He's bringing her on vacation.

I mean,

I've made this point before.

Yeah.

You know, I mean,

some fucking, some fucking guy from the city.

Well, I don't get how an also hot guy, but a different style of hot guy would make sense then.

You know what I mean?

That's greedy of her.

Because she's a shit lib, that's why.

She's a cut.

Rosie is.

She wants to pander to the working class until it's time to share your door or whatever once the ship sinks.

And then those people can fucking die.

Yeah, Billy, Billy Zayn is pretty much the OG cuck for

the role.

He truly got cucked wildly up and down.

But he lived.

He lived, right?

I love that he stole some poor guy's daughter.

They're like, please, I'm all she has.

Yeah.

Yep.

But it's also like, I don't understand.

That doesn't make any sense because it's like, what do you think?

The rest of the kids are like just not on the boat with their parents.

Right, right, right.

No, they get their moms.

Yeah, but

so, but listen.

Hey.

Hold on.

But now I got.

What's next?

The violin guy is going to

get their own boat or something?

I don't know.

You know, I mean, there's a lot of, there's many different angles you can come into this.

You know what they could have done?

They could have used that Kathy Bates as a flotation device.

Everyone crawls into her pussy.

Yeah.

That's a whale from Pinocchio.

That's a big, big woman.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember the movie where she's naked?

Yeah, because she's also new money, so she's sympathetic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How did she get rich?

Well, I was the first woman to invent camming.

Nobody liked Big Pussy until you put it on the internet.

Yeah, yeah.

Me, I'm a proud, loud, big, fat bitch.

I made all my money being a big bitch.

Kathy Bates, chatterbait, Kathy Bates.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Kathy Bates.

She's just fucking doing the fucking.

What's the Morse code?

But she's tapping it on her pussy.

Sir, there's a huge bitch

about

15 clicks south of here.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

I want to see the where are the movie where what did Billy Zane do with that girl?

Did he raise her as his daughter?

Yeah.

You know, does he wait?

Well, he kind of gives her

like

a trans, and then the sequel to Titanic is There Will Be Blood.

Oh,

interesting.

What else was he guessing?

Ladies and gentlemen, if I say I'm a family man, you will agree.

No, I won't.

Shut up.

Look what they've done to my boy.

Hey, that's him after they cut his dick off to make him trans?

Yeah.

I did that.

Dad, it was my choice.

I actually got a writing job by pitching the trans father as a sketch.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They massacred my boy.

Look how they mascot my boy.

May your first child be a masculine child.

Look how they massacred my boy.

Damn.

You come to me on this, the day of my daughter's transition.

Damn sunny with tits and a pussy.

That would be an aggressive woman.

I don't know that I'd like to have sex with James Conn as a woman.

Yeah.

He is kind of barrel-chested.

You can imagine a pair of tits on there.

I guess.

Kind of like Stormy Daniels.

She does have those.

Yeah.

She has that wide.

She's got kind of a powerful.

A powerful.

Power titty.

Not that good look, honest.

Not that good.

Stormy?

I mean, it doesn't really appeal.

Although, she was the porn star from four-year-old Virgin, wasn't she?

You can count, you can bet on her.

Oh, we're gonna bet on her.

Where are betsi.com?

Hell yeah.

I love betsi.com.

Do you?

Yeah, because they fucking pay out winners, dude.

They pay out winners, dude.

If you're a loser, stay the fuck out of the fuck out.

Get the fuck out of here.

Pedophile Josh or whoever.

As you know,

97% of our listeners

are winners and first responders.

That's right.

And pussy getting winners.

And pussy getting winners.

And they only win at betdsi.com.

That's right.

They got so much good shit, man.

They got a fucking mobile app.

One of the things I like the most about BetDSI.com is that they have a ticket system.

So, you know, you put in $1,000.

Let's say you gamble on something, you win like $6,000.

You don't get some fucking boring $6,000 back.

Nope.

You get $6,000 worth of tickets tokens.

To their cool gift shop where you can get things like vampire teeth.

Yeah, like vampire teeth.

Rings with spiders.

Right.

An inflatable bullet bill from Mario that costs the equivalent of

$75.

Yeah.

I was like, I love when Dave and Buster's fucked up and they added, like, you could just buy the shit in the cage or whatever.

And then you see what they're charging for it.

And it's like, oh, this is.

Because

I remember there there was a pair of night vision goggles at Dave and Buster's when I was a kid, and I was like, man, if I could get those night vision.

And then I just, of course, was imagining myself spying on girls trying to

put on their clothes.

Seeing green titties.

Me going around my neighborhood at like eight years old as a peeping tiger.

That was the fantasy that I had.

If I could be good enough at

time crisis two to spy on those.

Jack off in seventh graders.

And that's that's right.

That's what fucking BetTSI lets you do.

That's what they stand behind for

every

game you win.

You go on BetTheSI.com, you play poker.

I'm assuming it's a poker website.

Yeah.

Exclusively online poker.

Yeah.

Bettheinside.com, the premiere,

they got Monopoly, they got life.

You can flip a coin and take a video of it.

It'd be like heads or tails.

Right.

You take the video of you flipping a coin, you mail it to your friends, and then Betty SI works as some sort of escrow service.

You have your hand like this, yeah, yeah.

You don't, yeah, you have it covered, yeah, so they can't tell.

Yeah,

um, but it just makes me sigh makes me think of that casino thing from the scene from the movie Mafia.

You remember that?

What's that?

When there's like a bunch of people, it's a bunch of people sitting at like a card table or whatever, and the tie above it, it just says, you lose the money or whatever.

The guy puts the money down, and he's like, you lose.

Mafia was good, man.

That movie is hilarious.

My favorite line in that movie is when it's supposed to be like old New York or whatever, and that like WAP immigrant is like, Anthony, come to the duck fights.

And he just holds up a duck that's got boxing gloves on it.

Yeah, I remember that part.

I was like, oh, that's.

Because it's so stupid.

So stupid.

Anyways, unlike this show, we're promoted or sponsored by Betthysi.com.

And Kathy Bates.

And Kathy Bates, the premier sports betting website.

They got 24-7 customer service.

They got an award-winning mobile app.

24-7.

You can use the app and call up their customer service from anywhere in the world.

That's right.

This is the only app that offers this feature.

The only one, dude.

The only one where you can bet on stuff.

Yep.

And they've been in business over 20 years.

What?

Are you fucking shut up?

Think about that.

Are you lying?

1999.

That's a long ass time.

I know.

Back when Tony Hawk was still the king of the fucking king.

When he was king.

When he was king of the president.

When Hawk was king.

I would have bet he would have been president.

I mean, I still would.

I mean, he probably could be president.

If Tony Hawk ran against Trump, do you think he'd win?

Yeah, Tony Hawk would win.

Do you think Eminem would be Trump?

That's like our few.

Yeah, Eminem would for sure be Trump.

That takes a lot of his base, bro.

That's all.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I guess so.

But if he did that gay-ass rap again, maybe Trump would win.

A million noises.

I've got boys in my basement because now I'm doing gay shit with a seven-year-old.

These holes are all over my nuts.

I'm getting old, but who cares?

Because I stay young by fucking a kid.

I'll do a bid for having.

That's oh, that's pretty good, man.

That's his whole thing.

That sounds exactly like it.

That's basically.

No, but it's more like this.

Awfully hot coffee part.

It's a guy from Boston.

No,

I lost it.

I lost it.

I lost it.

Oh, you lost it?

Yeah.

Awfully hot coffee part.

Yeah, it sounds even gayer and from Boston now.

Yeah, I guess that kind of sounded Boston.

Thank you for telling me I did it wrong so you could do that.

Yeah, you know.

Yeah.

Nick did freestyle, which was impressive, honestly.

That was a good freestyle.

And then you just kind of said

the bars that he has already written twice.

Yeah, the first in a bad impression.

Yeah, and then it's impressive.

And the gay guy from Boston.

Which, if you wanted to participate, that's fine.

But to tell me, no,

I did it wrong.

Yeah.

I don't know about it.

You know where you can't go wrong, though?

It's literally impossible to lose.

You can't offer

live in-game wagering.

You know what that is?

Live in-game wagering.

So you're watching the big game, you know?

You guys are.

I'm playing Mario 64.

I'm not watching the game.

I'm recreating my childhood.

Wow.

You know?

That's awesome.

As

a grown child.

Get

my child.

For real?

Bet DSI is a great mobile app that's easy to use from anywhere.

They offer live in-game wagering.

You know what that means?

You're watching the game.

Yeah.

And you can

change your mind.

Yep.

For sure.

You make plays throughout the entire year.

Yeah, which is awesome.

You know, I love that.

Plays.

Like Tom from Miller's Crossing.

That's a name of a play.

It's a bad play, Leo.

We got to go on BetTSI.com.

We got to put down $40 at the Danes having gay sex.

Jesus, Tom.

There's no way of knowing that.

Listen,

I'm going to ask Steve Bascemi to marry me.

You don't want to do that, Leo.

Why?

He's such a sweet girl.

Is he in that movie?

Is he only in one scene?

He's literally only in one scene.

Yeah.

Pretty cool.

I rewatched him.

Jesus, Tom, we're just talking.

Pretty cool.

Why is Dean going to find out about that?

Yeah, I love that movie.

The movie is great.

I love it almost as much as I love betsi.com.

That's right.

So let's get through this here.

What are we going to be betting on this week, folks?

Well,

tonight, if you're listening to this today, I'm perusing the games.

You know, Clippers at Jazz?

The Clippers are getting nine and a half points.

They still want to make the playoffs.

What are the Clippers?

It's named after like haircut place?

I think a shitty little boat.

Oh, okay.

I thought that was weird.

Yeah.

Oh, Great Clips.

Yeah, like a haircut team.

A haircut there, I think, was like $3.

What?

I think it was the cheapest haircut.

There's supercuts, there's clippers.

Great Clips was cheaper.

Great Clips.

I used to go to Haircuttery.

Yes.

Haircuttery.

But my barbershop was the haircuttery behind the Roy Rogers across from Lake Forest Mall.

There you go.

And now we're painting a picture.

Yes, which I did not.

I thought that Roy Rogers was gone.

It's still there?

It's still there.

Because somebody called me out on it.

They're like, it's still there.

And I go.

Really?

Yeah.

I went and saw my dad, and it's still there.

Wow.

Yeah.

Did you get a roast beef Sammy?

No, I guess I just stopped going to Roy Rogers.

Yeah, probably.

That's what happened.

I think it was a haircuttery was in the front of East Point Mall, the entrance by McDonald's.

And McDonald's is no longer there.

And by Aladdin's arcade, that's no longer there.

It'd be interesting if the McDonald's is still there.

It's not a weird thing with haircuts.

I don't think it is, but you know what is still there?

The Brass Hen, which is a Chinese fried chicken spot.

So check it out at East Point Mall.

We're also sponsored by East Point Mall.

Yeah.

East Point Mall in conjunction with Bethesda.com.

They're the same company.

So when you sign up, make sure you use promo code COME120 so they know we sent you.

When you sign up, you've got some options.

You can just play and cash out.

You can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you played at the tables.

It's got a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.

So if you're going going to be in the sports book, which is where we like to gamble, we love gambling there.

If you use promo code Come120, up to $1,000, they're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which would turn $1,000 into $1,600 to play with.

Hell yeah.

So, if you like playing with shit, you know what I'm talking about?

Like my dick and balls.

Quit playing with your penis.

You kids got us.

All right.

So, once again, that's bet thesi.com, come on20.

Let's start the show.

Bow, wow, bam, bow, bow, bow, wow.

I'm gay.

bow.

All right.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

What are you doing?

Is that like ACDC or something?

I think what it was, I wasn't really thinking.

You know what I wanted to do?

Now that I have the ability to make shirts and get them, I tried to learn screen printing when I was like 20.

Uh-huh.

And I couldn't do it.

I just kept fucking it up with some like cheap fucking screen printing kit my roommate had.

But I want to make

shirts that uh it's like the ACDC logo, but it's ABDL for adult baby diaper lovers.

That's good, yeah, I would watch that.

I'll wear that

shirt.

I would wear it, yeah,

I'm gonna make uh

I'm gonna make Bernie t-shirts, sell them online, give all the money to Trump.

What?

Or battered women,

no, dude.

What's worse

who

are more harmful to society?

Yeah, you know it'd be great if Bernie Sanders like completely copied Hillary Clinton's 2016 campaign and won.

That would actually be so he's like, I'm here with Beyoncé and Cedar Rapids

and we're chilling.

It just works.

Yeah.

Just Bernie with Cardi B and the fucking city girls.

Well, Ellen, I will tell you, I've been doing the nay nay lately.

Most recently, I've been

involving myself in the nay nay.

That would rock my cock.

It would be, listen,

I bet you could get more people to be like, to vote for Bernie if they were like, imagine how mad it would make Hillary.

That's how you fucking get

center like Republicans.

What do you mean?

Oh, like, as a troll.

Think about how much

crooked.

Yeah.

Crooked gut.

She would hate it more than Trump winning.

For real.

I bet Hillary would rather Trump winning

than Bernie winning.

It'll be interesting to see.

Because I would like a rehash of the 2016 election.

Like, I want Hillary to run to see how many people who vote for Hillary do not vote for Bernie in the general election.

Yes.

When it's like the stakes are even higher this time because of the increase in.

They won't.

They won't.

They'll be like,

it would probably be like a horrific number.

Probably like 45% of the time.

Everything that they fucking accused Bernie Sanders people of doing,

they will actually do and worse.

Right.

Well, in 2008,

like more Hillary people voted for McCain than Bernie people.

25% of them.

Of course, they did.

25% of them went to McCain because they didn't want to support Shakespeare.

And then they sleep.

Like, Hillary was like, fucking.

She was the one that started all the fucking birther shit.

Dumb bitch, dude.

Fuck Hillary.

God damn.

I hope she comes back, though.

That would rule, dude.

That would be hilarious.

I would love it if, and then they, like, somehow we get rid of the Electoral College at the same time that we get rid of presidential term limits.

They think that that's like a good move.

And then that's when Trump starts winning

the popular vote.

Yeah.

And then it's every

four years Hillary loses to Donald Trump

over and over and over again

until the Chinese invade.

I'm enlisting in the fucking Red Army, dude.

Yeah.

When that shit happens.

The Bread Army?

The Bread Army.

Yeah.

Let me get.

I'm fucking General Sourdough and that motherfucker, dude.

I'm fucking.

I'm a five-star Chabada general when that shit happens.

Damn, now I'm thinking about the Bread Army for real.

Yeah.

The Bread Army would be cool.

I want to eat a big loaf.

Fuck, dude.

A big loaf of Bread Army.

I'm trying to think of Bread Army puns, and I'm getting stuck here.

Okay, let's see here.

Um

what kind of dough we have to start with different kinds of dough or different kinds of stuff?

Didn't we fall into this trap a year and a half ago?

We did it with uh bands.

That's right, that's right.

Yeah, I was wondering why Pantera bread kept coming up.

Because I'm like, well, there's panzer tanks, and that doesn't really fit.

But why do I keep thinking of Panera and Pantera?

Yeah,

that's why.

That's why.

Bread Zeppelin.

Because this is one of the critical failures of my career.

It was

falling short with Bre Zeppelin

and Kazi Osborne.

Oh, that's good.

Kazzi, the second one.

But a bit of a stretch, because I think we went from Pantera to Kazi Osborne.

And it was like, well, if we did Panera, but Panera Bread in and of itself was kind of a stretch.

We don't have to relitigate the Bret Zeppelin.

All right, let's get to work.

I kind of want to just listen to that episode though.

Yeah, can we play it on one of our mics?

You want to do a clips ep

sometime?

Yeah, we should, honestly.

We should Mystery Science Theater our own show and be like, oh, yeah, that was funny.

Oh.

Instead of Taoism, it's Doeism.

Oh, you're thinking of Chinese bread stuff.

Well, yeah, because it's Red Army and then Bread Army.

But I mean, you could do any kind of military shit.

Yeah.

You know, the options are wide open with this one, and we're failing here.

Yeah.

Colonel, so that's you could be like uh

oh fuck um the chrysantinistas that's that's yeah

chrysantinistas it's pretty good yeah

um

hmm

um uh

bagayonet yeah

oh but yeah like a bayonet yep

pumper nickel back oh that's a band that's not yeah you're just doing it again that not only that that was probably some something someone else said on the Bread episode.

Maybe.

Yeah, it's very possible.

The odds are.

I'm not calling you out for you.

I don't know.

But odds are.

If I was a bet DSI-ing man, I would say.

Well, we can bet on that.

We can listen back.

Let's listen to the whole Bread episode.

I love it.

I can't.

I would love to just do a come-town clip show.

But just we're doing it on our own.

But to really produce it well, where it's like, man, we've had so much fun.

Remember that time

Put it in there and then it just cuts back to us laughing.

That would be great.

That would be great.

I would love to do The Dream is an episode entirely in Mandarin Chinese.

You know?

We could do it.

Probably.

I mean, I would have to write an hour of Mandarin Chinese.

Do we know any Mandarin Chinese people that can help us?

No, we don't.

What about your old roommates?

They would not help.

Yeah, they might.

There might be.

I bet you we know a person.

I'm sure they don't remember me either.

Yeah.

Well, how many white people do you think they've lived with?

I don't know.

You're probably.

They definitely remember you.

You're probably the foremost honky in their lives.

You think they would forget about you ever?

Those people don't have memories, do you?

What's going on?

They're always moving forward.

It's a bread army, huh?

Oh,

let's get back to that.

Oh, Commandos.

Yeah.

Commandos.

Easy money.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, don't say easy money because no one said it.

Right.

I'm saying good.

We're getting rolling.

It's see, you don't have to take it all as a.

I'm saying good.

It's a positive that we're getting the easy money.

That's how you start.

SEAL TEAM SIX GRAIN.

Okay.

Like a six grain.

I don't know.

Okay.

I don't know.

Okay, that one.

All right.

PETA,

you know, what do we do with PETA?

PETA.

People, people for the

PI.

Yeah, but

they're economic or they're environmental terrorists.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

We're really stretching.

No.

The already.

No, we're being creative.

Let's see.

It's so funny how many TV shows, like, this is like what work is during the day.

Yeah, that's true.

Is doing this kind of shit and actually maybe making $4,000 a week to do it.

Yeah.

Actually, making

before midnight or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

Do they still have that show on TV?

No.

But you can't keep old Chrissy down.

He's back.

He's working on the battle.

How about Glass?

And it's a show where Chris Hardwick is just eaten by rats.

It's a bunch of, he's at the bottom of the cage, and he's like, Star Trek the next generation.

You know, I don't know.

Right.

Batman, Garfield, you know,

the Joker Renaissance Festival.

He's slowly consumed by the rats.

Like T2.

No, he's just throwing out references to nerd bullshit.

Yeah, nerd bullshit.

Well, he sinks into the pile of rats like the Terminator.

Oh, that's cool.

And he's like, look at me, sinking into the pile of rats like the Terminator.

Because that's also a reference that he would make.

That is true.

You know, because there's zero difference between me and Chris Hardwicke.

Yeah.

You say you treat women the same.

We're both billionaires.

You don't play mind games with your girlfriend.

Yeah.

Like Chris Hardwick.

Oh, he does, dude.

He does big games.

Every night I force my wife to play a trivial pursuit with me.

And she loses.

You better be careful, man.

You're going to get called out for that.

She's just got bruises all over her face, and the blood is trickling down from her nose.

And she's like, You memorized all of the cards already.

I'm like, Is it my fault that you didn't

from my gaming chair?

It's you

and your wife alone, and you're beating her and you're a real person

and physically beating her

because I've memorized all of the cards,

just spending four hours doing that.

A husband.

Under God.

God wouldn't have a problem.

Crust.

Were you going to say crust?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I don't know for what.

Crust coal from True Detective.

Yeah.

Well, he's kind of like the Army.

Tom is a piece of flatbread.

Oh, flatbread.

Nice.

That's right.

Crushed coal.

And scene.

And I just imagine we ran across the stage like a horrible improv jam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's a new scene.

Yeah, weren't we joking about going to like the WID or whatever at the source, and then everything is like, oh, I'm gay, and I'm sucking your gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Going to some improv jam, and we're like an indie troop, and we're just like,

pretending to suck each other off every scene.

Like, uh-uh.

Oh, we're gay, guys.

We're homos.

We're homos with each other.

And just running across and starting a new one and clapping it.

We're at the gay sex museum.

They're talking,

I'm a caveman.

I'm gay sex.

Me liking me.

I'm gay sex.

Caveman.

Then a million years later, oh, I say, governor, the colonies would be even better if we were to buttfuck each other.

One of the worst things in the world is when they do, like someone's playing piano and they make up like musicals.

Have you ever seen that?

Like when they were singing improv?

Oh my god, it's brutal.

No, that sounds horrible.

Yeah, it is fucking horrible to do improv.

I hate performance.

I hate

comedy.

I hate music.

Oh, speaking of performance that Nick's going to hate, we're going to be in D.C.

on March 30th.

We're doing a live stand-up show at the Black Cat.

We're coming back.

We're doing a live stand-up show, the early show, and then the late show will be a live podcast.

So come see both shows.

It's going to be fun.

It's part of the DC Underground Comedy Festival.

Those tickets are on sale now.

Some of you already bought some.

Please go buy them and we'll tweet about it and all this other shit too.

And actually, I believe, my friend Adam, do you have some things to plug?

Yeah.

You live in Chicago and Milwaukee and Auckland with Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

Hell yeah.

With Racine.

Major markets.

Major markets.

The major markets first.

Dude, I'm hitting all the big cities like Eau Claire.

Oh, how about the E Claire force?

Euclid.

Eauclair, Wisconsin.

We Claire born.

Ea Claire Bourne.

There we go.

Yes.

There we go.

Yeah, yeah.

It's more of a dessert, but we will take whatever we want.

Sure, yeah.

It's bread with custard in it.

But that counts.

I do forget.

March 22nd, Chicago, 23rd,

Milwaukee, 24th, August.

You're a little road dog that weekend before D.C.

And then, yeah, and then we have Funny Moms the next night.

Next night, and then March 30th, like we said, and then showing weekends.

We'll be out with Mike Gracine, who's a very talented, much more talented stand-up comedian.

Italiented.

Italiented.

And

I'll post all the retarded.

I'll post the links links on Twitter.

Special breaducation.

Okay.

Yeah.

Your son's got

Dones syndrome.

Yeah.

Well, the doctor said my brain is made out of dough.

I'm sorry, but

your son's brain is made out of uncooked dough.

Oh my God, what does that mean?

Well, he's just retarded, huh?

You can tell what it means.

You know, you hung out with him.

Yeah, that's

right.

You've seen him try to navigate the refrigerator.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah.

Damn.

Chawatism.

Chocta chaw.

Choctaw cha.

Choctaw.

What's chalk autism?

I didn't check, but did anyone call Nathan Phillips shitting bull.

No, that's good, though.

It is good because he's a liar.

Yeah.

What I have said, what I've always said, is that I have never stepped foot in South Vietnam.

They just said, cut that.

I'm a Vietnam vet.

This guy just telling his lies like a crazy old guy, and then he had to get on TV.

It's really not his fault.

Yeah.

I mean, it's the fucking media's fault.

Yeah.

How many fucking dumb motherfuckers claim to be?

Of course, he's just some like drunk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

He seems like a pretty chill guy.

Yeah.

Nathan.

Yeah,

if it weren't for all that bullshit, he's like a guy that you would just take with a grain of salt.

Yeah, you'd be like, oh, I'm sure.

Oh, you shot a grenade launcher at Ho Chi Minh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Like, that's cool, man.

Yeah, that would be a cool guy to hang out with at the bar and just listen to his bullshit and all that.

Yeah, yeah.

You could spend a couple hours just kind of leading him on and

seeing how much you could get him to do.

Oh, and then what happened?

Buy him a fucking sandwich,

make him suck your dick.

What?

Yeah, this episode kind of peaked with big bitch Kathy Beats.

Oh, me, I made all my money being a big bitch.

That's why they got me here on the boat because I made all my big bitch money, and now I'm the big bitch on the boat.

The big bitch of the West.

Don't you see her pussy or something and fucking about shit?

You don't see her pussy.

You see her tits.

You see her big old old tits.

You can't get her bush.

You get tits and bush.

You get bush?

Yeah, it's full frontal.

Really?

That's disgusting.

I remember people being mad about that shit, too.

They're like, I'm not trying to fucking see that shit.

Just that an old lady was naked in a movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you see that shit.

Oh, no.

I mean, I'm upset.

He's whatever.

I mean, kimono is nice.

Pull up Rosario Dawson's stuff.

Does Sam B do full frontal in her show?

Yeah, her pussy's out every single day.

You can see her pussy when she's like.

I went to go talk to real working class people.

She finds like.

Did you see that segment?

No.

She went to like Pittsburgh to meet up with

the black women that represent the real working class.

Who are they?

I don't know.

They're like nurses and stuff.

She's like, yeah, coal miners don't exist.

What?

Yeah.

I gotta say, Rosaria Dawson is so fucking hot.

She's amazing.

Yeah.

God.

Shout out to Rosario.

Did you see the front line on Black Lungs?

Jesus Christ.

You have to watch Alexander.

It's insane.

I don't know.

They changed something with the way mining works or produces all this silica dust.

So now miners just get black lung.

I mean, it's like worse now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that shit sucks, dude.

Poor miners, dude.

Nah, there's something weird about Rosaria Dawson.

What?

What are you talking about, dude?

Look at this pic is fucking hot.

It's fine.

Look at this shit, dude.

Do you remember the movie Kids?

She was in that, too, right?

I don't know.

She kind of...

She's got like.

She seems like she's wearing a human skin.

No.

You know what I mean?

What are you talking about now?

She looks like some kind of like sexy alien.

No, not like a shapeshifter or something.

I don't give a fuck.

She was Bernie.

She can shape-shift her pussy on top of my nuts as far as I'm concerned

if she shape-shifted into a man while I was fucking her I wouldn't be thrilled

but how about a mutant whose power is he's a shape-shitter and he can like shit out play-doh shapes that wouldn't be good

little star asshole that's the thing I didn't get about X-Men is these are just supposed to be like genetic variations and it's like what qualifies what's a mutant and what isn't.

Right, yeah, exactly.

Didn't you have great questions about

the guy with a really small dick being in the Xavier Academy?

And he's like, small dick guy.

We didn't have the heart to tell him.

It's not a superpower.

He's like, can I come on this mission, guys?

They're like, I.

Why don't you hang back?

Maybe someone with a very little pussy come

into the school and need to be fucked.

And then Magneto is like, the only way you can rescue Wolverine is if someone fucks this child without killing it.

They're like, fuck.

What are the odds?

How the fuck did we not?

God damn it.

Poor swallow.

And beast, like, let me try.

They're like, no, beast.

They're like, you lose.

I'm sorry, Professor.

I thought maybe I could do it.

He's just got infant blood all over his crop.

Shouts out to Frasier being beast in the last one that Brett Ratner directed.

Yeah.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

I fucking love Fraser, dude.

I fucking love Kelsey Grammar.

Me too, man.

He's such a natural talent.

Dude, it's crazy

how well this Ed Buck thing is staying out of the news.

What's Ed Buck thing?

Ed Buck, the Democratic donor that murdered two gay blacks.

Yeah, what the fuck?

But I mean, it's like, like, there's a lot of things where it's like, how about this?

It's like with all this whataboutism, and the media doesn't want to be, like,

probably participate in like this whataboutism.

But like, he's murdered two black, gay black guys.

Yes.

Yeah.

And he's like, and it's like.

And like, one is like, okay, I guess with a good enough lawyer, there's not enough evidence.

You could say it was an accident.

But like three weeks later, the exact same shit happened.

And it's like, you have to, you have to fucking talk.

He's like, yeah, he's a huge donor or whatever.

Yeah.

Well, I'm surprised.

I think that

it seems like the Epstein thing is looping back around on the guy.

Well, it's because of the

folks at the Miami Herald who will probably all commit suicide in the next year.

Acosta.

What's his name?

Acosta.

I don't know the names of the journalists, the Miami Herald.

No, no, no.

And

the Secretary of Labor Day.

Yeah, but

that's not who's doing

Jersey.

If you listen to what I said, I know I heard that.

The Miami Herald had those

long expose, and then they've been reporting on it ever since then.

Yeah.

So you think

they're going to get got?

Well, what they found was like the deal,

like

the there was some it's pretty insane.

There was someone now the labor secretary.

There was some like

Playboy model or whatever in Argentina

that announced that she had evidence of a pedophile ring or whatever and stuff like started because she was like this like call girl for elites basically right and claimed she had like evidence of of a pedophile ring and like posed on social media she's like I'm not gonna kill myself I'm not gonna die of a drug overdose she's like I have hard evidence of this and then she died of a drug overdose oh my god yeah and then like the media was posting pictures of her like naked body trying to shame her afterwards that's insane yeah what are the pictures where the yay how big are her tits tits?

Does she look good?

Well, she was already a nudress.

A lady of the titty.

I would have to do some more research.

A lady of the titty.

You know what?

Most of these stories don't really apply.

I'm really that interested, but this one I'm going to do a little more research on.

Look how nice this cat is.

Yeah, your new cat is really nice.

Yeah.

Ernest Jr.

Ernesta.

Ernest.

No, I'm not going to name the cat.

Ernesta.

I don't think.

I like it better if the cat doesn't have a name.

It's my hunting companion.

Cats never learn their name.

It was nice.

There's no reason for them to have a name.

I was having like a big spring cleaning day.

I was like cleaning the kitchen and shit and doing the dishes, and she's like found a cockroach to kill.

Hell yeah.

So

it was helping clean.

Yeah, good for her, man.

Yeah, it's a good cat.

You got a big futuristic litter box for her now?

Yeah.

And

she respects you as an alpha master,

like a dom

a daddy dom.

No, Adam, I don't fuck my pets like you do.

I'm just saying videos on the internet.

I'm just saying I don't have sex with my name.

I'm not just saying that.

That's how you get a lot of people.

You do pull her nipples.

You pull on your dog's nipples all the time.

You have a pet has to respect you.

When no one else is around, so it's not a bit.

I don't pull on my dog's nipples when no one else is.

You do, dude.

Be honest.

Be honest.

Don't pull on it.

But it's not sexual.

Have you done it before?

It's just like in a tactile, it's like fun to play with.

Whatever.

Perlong ass.

Just like a pedophile defending himself.

Your Honor, I'm not attracted to a child's pussy.

It's just

interesting to me because

it's the same as a regular pussy, but it's so small.

I have a vaginal fixation.

I enjoy the tactile, and I appreciate the tactile difference

because it's a pussy, but it's small.

And the boy's penis, it's like a regular-sized penis, but smaller.

It's littler.

As you'll notice, I also collect miniatures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That, you know what?

If you want to establish yourself as a guy who's only in it because of the size, you've got to start collecting dollhouses and shit.

You've got to start collecting

little dioramas.

That will not play.

I think it might incorporate.

You got a shot at least.

I don't know.

There was a small...

Yeah, miniatures and that kind of shit.

Yeah.

Like a kind of mar won.

Welcome to Marwan.

Connor, it's not because they don't know any better.

It's because they're tiny.

It's not my fault society couldn't create miniature people.

Yep.

Like miniature horses.

Oh, I guess you could fuck midgets.

Well, there was that article trying to to like that guy whose airtight theory.

That guy whose son with autism was like downloading a bunch of child porn.

And like, you know, he's like,

there should be a way for my autistic son to download child porn, you know, or whatever.

And it just turns out he's a pedophile.

Well, it's like, if you're, if, like, I don't know, I don't know what conclusion you're supposed to draw from that.

The setup for that, his, he was trying to.

It was like an autistic teenager that got arrested for downloading like a bunch of child pornography.

And their defense was that he was autistic?

well that he's autistic and like you know the autistic kids are like you know they don't they're not they're not they don't have proper social skills so they don't get that it's like wrong and they're like you know babies in the head

of the kids getting fucked yeah i i don't remember but no the answer was no that's so yeah and it's like

like i i if if like if that's because i guess it's a thing that happens like somewhat regularly and it's like well then you're just gonna have to keep them off the internet yeah yeah yeah it's not yeah it'd be like well it'd be like well he just keeps fucking kids.

It's like, well, he's retarded.

So, yeah, he just going to a fucking playpen and just raping children.

It's like, well,

come on, give him a pass.

I guess you're going to have to create another computer for those kinds of kids that doesn't actually connect to the internet.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

The way you would get your little brother to play PlayStation when it wasn't their turn,

give him a keyboard and something that's not hooked up to anything.

That's the same three pictures over and over again.

You'll never know.

Yeah.

What's your take, Adam?

I think that if you're retarded, you should be allowed to be a pedophile.

Is that what we're talking about?

That's a fair take.

Honestly, thank you for bringing

opposing view.

Yeah.

I kind of zoned out there.

That's Bernie.

That's Bernie Sanders platform.

Listen, if you're a retarded,

we should create a system where you could download child pornography.

Makes sense to me.

Only 1% of retarded people are pedophiles,

but they download 99% of the child pornography.

Hell yeah.

There could be a national child pornography registry.

You know, and it's like what do you mean?

It's like 10 videos that you just lend out.

So there's no new child pornography being created.

But the guys that want to get

jacking off so they're not raping children.

That could be an elegant.

After a while, you've seen all ten videos, you know.

You throw some Snapchat filters on there.

Some puppy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Probably right now.

But okay, how about this?

You seize all the child pornography, right?

So that's a lot.

Okay?

And you rotate

different so it's like for a month there's 10 videos

and that's where you get that month and then they go back in the vault and then you release another 10 videos and so with all the child pornography that already exists you dole it out

and you sort of you know

and it's like and that way they're satiated and they get new releases every once in a while and no children are getting fucked right yeah that's pretty good Would you like pay residuals to the kids that were in those videos?

The actors, yeah.

I guess if you knew, yeah, should we be like paying attention to this Cohen testimony while doing the show?

I know, like, I really haven't watched any of it.

I think it's happening right now, it's been happening all day, yeah.

He said that, he said that Trump said that Donald Jr.

is like dumb.

That's so awesome.

He's like, by the way,

he shit all over his son.

That's so funny to have that, like, on the congressional.

Also, he submitted the check that he wrote to reimburse him for the Stormy Daniels payoff, which he wrote after he became president.

Yeah,

that rocks.

I'm pretty sure.

I haven't seen any of it, though, today.

I feel like

do you think anything's gonna happen?

I feel like this shit happens every day now.

I mean, it might, maybe it'll hurt.

I don't fucking know.

I really don't know.

Look at this.

Well, what's important is that there's a lot of silence on the podcast.

I think that's.

I'm looking at Rosaria Dawson fakes now because I've looked at all the real ones.

Yeah.

See if you can find a picture of her dress.

This is not bad.

Sub-Zero for Mortal Kombat.

That's not bad.

Oh.

Let me see.

I mean, I think she would be hot, but only if she was...

Sub-Zero.

Those aren't what her titties look like.

Sub-zero.

Yeah, I want her to freeze and shatter my dick.

Would you like that?

Just looking down at your face.

I mean, that would be cool.

Going, beating.

Gatality.

Why didn't they have gatalities?

That'd be pretty tight, huh?

That would be good.

He's fucking my ass.

And you're immortal, so you'll have to live with the trauma forever.

You don't even get the release of death.

Oh, these are really good now.

These are the ones that are just like, I love the fakes where it's like hardcore pornography and like a picture of them like different lighting from like the red carpet.

Just like full makeup.

Yeah.

That would be a cool, you know, know, Kathy Bates from Titanic would be a cool wrestling persona.

The unsinkable.

The unsinkable woman.

The unsinkable bitch woman.

Just coming down the fucking tribe walk with her arms waving around.

I'm a big bitch.

I'm a big 1910s bitch.

Has there ever been like a big, fat female wrestler?

There's one right now.

I mean, she's not fat, but she's like bigger than the rest of them that are hot as shit.

And she like wears a one-time.

Do you watch wrestling?

No, I don't watch it, but I'll, you know, I have friends that watch.

I pop in every once in a while.

And I pay attention to the divas because, like I said, that's one of the first ways I was jacking off.

So

they're wrestling, and they just slap her tits against.

I would love to be wrestled.

I would love to get teased.

And here come the wrestlers.

The Burl Bride Brestling Federation.

Yeah.

Apparently, the big bitch injures all the other little ones.

Because she's so powerful.

She's so powerful.

Does she fight guys?

I don't believe so.

China, I guess, was big, but she wasn't fat.

Yeah, she was like

muscular, had that big old clit.

Yeah.

Got her pussy worked over by the sky again.

Getting too fucked by X-Pac too hard.

No.

Yeah.

X-Pac gave her the Bronco Buster till she died.

And he Bronco-busted her with his dick in her mouth.

And then she suffocated.

What if Bernie did suck it?

Do you think that would bring the toxic masculinity levels up an extra notch?

That's going to do it for this week.

Are we done?

Yep.

Hey, a bunch of people DM'd me and shit about if you're a lawyer, could you actually email me at stav at stavi.biz S-T-A-V

at st-av-v-v-y dot B-I-Z?

I do legitimately need legal assistance.

For what?

I got fucking moving violations.

They might suspend my license.

Why don't you just pay them?

Because you still get points on your shit.

Yeah, but didn't you do it?

No.

So I'm being framed by the law.

What happened?

That's for me and my lawyer to discuss, Nick.

But what moving violations?

No, texting while driving?

Handheld electronic device.

I'm being framed for that.

So I was watching porn.

Do you need a lawyer for that?

Why don't you just go fucking talk to a judge or like a traffic court magistrate or whatever?

That's not a real thing.

Yeah, they do.

Well,

in New York, they don't have like that.

There's an entirely separate court system for fucking traffic violations.

Yeah.

So you have to go see the count of moving violations.

Yeah, you could do a big wig.

You could get creative.

Well, you have to make an appointment, but then they pick you up in a chariot and then

they take you to the estate.

Oh, really?

Yeah, then you go up to the count's house and the door shuts behind you by itself.

Oh, no, you look around scared.

Vercom.

Oh, he's a vampire.

Oh, he lives there alone.

See, I would rather.

I would like you to stay the month.

Would you stay with the count for a month, Sug?

Yeah.

Would it get my

license?

Stop writing letters home.

My dearest eldest,

how I miss thee.

I cannot wait to come home to your loving embrace.

Just kidding.

I wish I could kiss you and we were married right now.

Psych.

Psych.

I listen to the children of the night.

Damn, what happens in that movie?

In Dracula?

Yeah.

You don't know the story of Dracula?

Who's the guy writing the letters?

That's

Keanu.

She said, like it was Keanu.

Does Keanu get out alive?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Eventually, yeah.

Nice.

yeah, then, yeah, I'll do that.

Yeah, he doesn't, you guys are lying, no, he becomes a vampire.

I'm trying to figure out who Van Helmy is when you go to court.

You should wear a judge's wig, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, so the judge thinks you're like one of them, yeah.

So, the judge is like, oh, I didn't know you were in the brotherhood, the fraternity,

just going to court dressed like a fucking British judge, powdered wig, roses.

He's like, What are you doing?

It's like, this is just how my personal, my personal style.

That's how you ingratiate yourself with the judge.

He's like, I'm culturally a judge.

I'm not

identifying.

Practice judge.

But I'm culturally.

I'm one of you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That could probably work.

I like that idea.

It would be nice to dress up like a trans person and go to court, and the judge is like,

you know, like, I'm sorry, but these violations.

Excuse me, I'm not done talking yet.

And then it's like federal judge lit up for trying to talk over a trans

that doesn't work though remember that big big ass lady big ass the blonde one she's like yelling and a judge yeah it went viral of course it wouldn't work yeah i'm trying to get these tickets figured out man what tickets the ones we're talking about what big ass blonde lady or you know why don't you just threaten the kait

i just show into the courtroom and i lift up my fucking waistband and i have a gun in there.

I'm like,

who's gotta take a nap, motherfucker?

Oh, one more thing, though, Your Honor.

What do you think of this?

I bet somebody that, like, misunderstands the waistlifting thing up and they don't have a gun.

They just think that that's like a sign of aggression

to show people their belly.

What now, motherfucker?

You're like, what?

That's weird.

You're less hairy than I thought you'd be.

You're just your belly.

Do you know also the have you seen that movie Dead Man on Campus?

Yeah.

So you get straight A's if your roommate dies.

Yeah.

That's like a well-known rule at every college.

Of course, every college that's well-known.

Yeah.

So if Eldis dies, oh, really?

Yeah.

I get out of these tickets.

You could.

Well, what about Shudd?

Can I kill Shud?

Definitely kill Shud.

I don't want to kill Shudd, but I can't kill Eldis.

I mean, I like Shud a lot, too.

I love Shudd, but he's Barack Obama.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he's gay and he's Barack Obama, and he's got to go.

All right.

Well,

that's also the legal.

We covered a lot.

We had Adam's Weather Corner.

The legal corner.

Thanks for letting me do that.

And we talked about Kathy Griffin or whatever being a big bitch.

And again, I'll be in.

That's funny.

I'll be in Chicago the 22nd.

Well, me, I'm the big bitch on the boat.

I made all my money being a big bitch.

Milwaukee the 23rd.

Au Claire, Eau Claire the 24th.

And I'll be posting links to that on

the 30th.

Come suck all three of us off in D.C.

later.

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

Here's my summer tip.

Don't overthink your dog's meals.

My pups love just fresh from just food for dogs, complete, balanced, fresh, shelf-stable meals that go everywhere from New York City to weekends in the Hamptons.

I mean, you can have real food ready to go for your pup anywhere.

No cooler, no hassle, just grab and go.

I've seen the difference.

Healthier coats, more energy, tails wagging at mealtime.

Biggie and smalls love it, and I'm all about stuff that just makes sense when life is busy.

Go to justfoodfordogs.com and get 50% off your first order right now.

No code needed.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the U.S.

Explore solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom piece that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewels behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our Union Street Showroom or explore the range at colonjewelery.com.

Your ring, your way.